#tagging that for those that want only positivity

[richarlotte]

High Maintenance, High Return. 

I am someone who deeply believes in being the best. I was raised to believe that God is beautiful and loves beauty, and so there is a part of me that strives for beauty in everything I do. I am incredibly high maintenance; I take care of my mind, body, and soul; I strive to treat people beautifully, and I’m incredibly particular about who I allow into my life. For me, part of being high maintenance is protecting my energy and only allowing quality into my life. When it comes to my romantic relationships, I won’t date any man who is insecure about the way I choose to present myself to the world and go about my life. If you are a high maintenance woman in any way, shape, or form, you need to be with someone who understands that. I invest in myself, experience a high return in investments, and I think that coming to the realization that my life was best lived with an understanding that it’s perfectly normal to be high maintenance changed the way I view myself, how I spend my money, and how I invest my time. This is a direct result of how I was raised and it took me a long time to realize that caring for myself isn’t shameful; I should be my first priority. 

Elevate & Influence!

This is something I learned from tagging along to a newly made friend’s JL meetings in NYC. You should be focused on elevating yourself and influencing others to do better. Does this mean that you have to actively take people under your wing and mentor them? No, what I mean is that people should look up to you and be influenced to do better. For example, one of my good friends on campus is incredibly involved in day-to-day life; she’s always doing something out of the ordinary and encouraging us to come along with her. She influenced me to do more, explore more, and try the things that I’m uncomfortable doing. She’s one of those people who will never say no when you ask her if she wants to try something foreign, and knowing her has helped me become more adventurous and open-minded than I could ever imagine. Elevating yourself is always going to be positive; you might not think it possible, but as you elevate yourself, surround yourself with uplifting and inspiring people, and influence others to do the same, your life will slowly improve. 

Richarlotte x

[fight-nights-at-freddys]

i've been seeing a lot of posts recently about the proship community, and their "obsession" with complaining/talking about them, saying stuff like "i miss when fandom was more than just "i ship taboo things and that's my entire personality"", and i think i disagree with a lot of those posts.

the thing with fandom is that it used to be that way, UNTIL antis started policing what you could and couldn't do. it was inevitable that some of us were gonna double down and talk very openly about all the dark stuff we ship. is it totally reactionary? yes. was it without cause? no. this stuff doesn't happen in a vacuum.

but also, like. i feel like y'all (not you reading this post but. the ppl that make those kinds of posts) are missing out on a few very key details, being:

the proship community was started as a reaction to antis in the first place. they are intrinsically linked together, whether we like it or not. being proship is reactive, fork found in kitchen,

all these different terms exists because of antis, not because of proshippers. complain all you want about "x/y is a comship!" or "a/b is a darkship!", because i agree, it doesn't matter! it's all shipping in the end! antis are the ones that actually gaf because to them it matters A LOT if you ship The Bad Thing™,

fandom is what you make of it. if you don't wanna ship taboo things, have at it! do what you want forever, but the need to shame people that like darkships and talk abt it openly on their blogs is odd,

you don't have to tag generic fandom stuff with "proship", you are allowed to exist in the main tags!! you don't have to go searching for positive fandom stuff in the proship tags!!

i think y'all forget this is a blogging site, not just a social media site. i'm here for my *own* enjoyment, entertainment, and sometimes catharsis. if i see an annoying take from an anti, i'm gonna post about it, bc it's *my* blog. yes, we can (and often do) block antis, but that doesn't mean we can't bitch about them. the blocking feature exists for everyone, and if you don't like what those kinds of proshippers talk about, block the individual, not just the tags.

like, i'm sorry to break it to you, but things don't have to be all unicorns-and-rainbows positive all the time. sometimes we wanna bitch and complain, and that's OKAY!

there's nothing wrong with having your "entire personality" being liking darkships! (i have issues w that phrasing btw, bc most of the ppl that talk Like That™ are bait accounts, or it's a side account where they only want to talk about their darkships. point is, them liking taboo ships is def just one facet of their personalities, not their whole personality)

the problem isn't people in this community "killing the vibe", the problem is you letting your vibes be killed by stuff you don't like!

[lovelyshu]

VIDEOGAME LOVER, WE SHOULD * * * WITH EACH OTHER! — with Felix

001 DESCRIPTION — how gaming nights with felix usually are?

002 TAGS — gn!reader, playing genshin, reader has furina, felix is a neuvillette main

003 COMMENTS — oop, random cute scenario I thought of while talking to my friend😊

004 TAGGING — @jisunggy

It's not any news that Felix loves videogames. He's always talking about those with so much passion!

That's probably an extra on why he loves you so much.

When Felix found out you were also in love with games he thought that he probably made something really good to deserve you.

But when you asked him if he wanted to play genshin with you? He kissed you right there.

And that's how you two always found yourselves in this scenario whenever he got time.

You, sitting between his legs with an iPad, while he sat in front of the computer. Both playing genshin impact.

There was an upcoming character to the game that you really wanted, and that's what you were doing with him right now! Farming primogems.

“Do we really need to explore Fontaine? Those puzzles are absolutely impossible!”

“Of course we have. And they're not impossible, you just lack game knowledge.” - was what Felix said while waiting for you to open a new unlocked chest.

“Ugh, those maps keeps getting more boring and annoying to explore. That's why Inazuma is my favorite.”

He only laughed at your comment, continuing to walk with his Neuvilette around the world.

“Felix, Felix, Felix come here, let's take a screenshot!”

He never understood why did you enjoyed taking so many pictures in this game, but it grew on him too.

“Alright, alright. You're using Furina to match my Neuvillette?”

“Yep! Here, just stand and don't move.”

He looked over your shoulder to see you positioning the camera angle in the best way possible, before screenshotting it.

As you looked back at Felix, he smiled, placing a soft peck on your lips.

“I love you so much, have I said that?”

“I think you did. But I love you too.”

[mellosdrawings]

noooo not the n2 ship 😭 omg people can be so weird sob sob you have more drawings of them as adults and frankly why does it even matter?!? it's not even an illegal ship sob (eg. incest or smth else that normally turns heads in fandoms) if you don't like it, don't read it???? (i personally like it tons!)

-🥬

(About this post)

Well, you know, it's the usual Leojami age difference discourse. I just delete those comments anyway, but I'm glad you like the N2 squad :3

I won't develop too much since I don't want this blog to be about discourse (I'm giving my opinions plenty on my sideblog) but here's what I think about these topics:

-I'm vehemently anti-censorship. I don't think something shouldn't ever exist and I will never push for something to be censored, even if it's stuff that makes me uncomfortable. I think warnings about particular contents are great, but in the end it's my responsibility to curate my experience with banning # and blocking people, etc etc. Even illegal stuff should be portrayed. If people can draw/write about murderers and conmen without a fuss, then they can also do that about taboo/illegal sexual topics. Depiction is not endorsement.

-I believe the reader/viewer is the one who injects meaning to art/stories. I'm an artist and all the things I do mean something, but that meaning doesn't prevail over the meaning my viewers inject in my art. I regularly see people "misreading" my comics in the tags, but it doesn't matter. Their interpretation is just as valid as mine, and if they wanna see ships where I didn't mean to draw ships, or if they interpret a scene as negative when I meant for it to be positive, then it's either my role as the content creator to be more explicit/obvious with what I meant, or to simply let my viewers have fun however they want with my stuff. I don't believe in the "there's only one valid interpretation and everybody who thinks otherwise is wrong".

(That's also why I don't really believe in DNI. People you disagree with will interact with your stuff anyway, caring about those things will just anger and tire you for nothing. I try to avoid interacting with people who have DNI that probably include me? But considering "proship" means anything and nothing it's hard to tell whether N2/LeoJami is considered a proship or not.)

Tldr: I'm anti-censorship and I think everybody should make and enjoy the content they want, even if it's topics that are usually frowned upon. Imagination is the one place one should be able to go hogwild without fearing retribution.

[captn-trex]

angel of small death

Howzer x F!Reader / Twi'lek!Reader 

word count: 6.1k / 24k

part one | part two | part three

description: after the rise of the Empire, Howzer finds his position on Ryloth to be precarious at best, but his attention is drawn from his troubles when he finds himself captivated by a new politician’s arrival

warnings/tags: 18+ !!! strangers to lovers, mutual pining, more angst in this part, kinda miscommunication-ish, political thoughts/discussions, mentions of clone rights/autonomy, smut in part three

a/n: a little treat for the technical devotion readers in this one (I'll post the final chapter soon I promise), by way of my clone OCs Oscar and Teddy (the loml)! yeah its never mentioned in TD now that I think about it but they’re from howzer's squad on ryloth so… enjoy my baby boys :)

masterlist | join my taglist

Howzer’s whole body felt stiff, and he was sick of it.

Cham was on a comm call with a delegate from the senate, and things were not going well, but all Howzer could think about was getting back to the barracks and sinking into his bunk, tuning out the world and letting sleep take him. It was well past the time that he should usually have been let off duty, as had been the theme of the past few days.

He just wanted to sleep. He hadn’t slept properly in those few days, and he could feel how much it grieved his body. His eyes threatened to close, and he had to pinch himself in a spot between the pieces of his armour to refrain.

After what felt like hours, Cham finally finished the call, the blue hologram figure disappearing and engulfing the room in darkness. It seemed that Cham hadn’t realised how late it had got, but Howzer certainly had. He just remained quiet until he was dismissed. He didn’t have the energy to discuss anything right now, and he hadn’t been paying much attention to begin with. When he was let out of the building, the slight chill in the air was a welcome feeling, brushing against his skin and soothing some of the irritation he felt.

He wasn't irritated at Cham. In fact, he didn't know exactly what he was so irritated about at all. He knew that it was heightened by his lack of rest, but it didn't soothe it much to know that fact. He stretched his neck out as he walked, tipping it from one side and then the other, cringing when he heard a few pops. He'd never been so sore in his life.

His feet took him towards the barracks without much thought, the rest of his body complying for the knowledge of the semi-comfortable bunk that awaited his return.

Howzer loved Ryloth. He loved its climate, it's landscape, its people. Most of all, he loved this time of day; the sun about to lower beneath the horizon, the gentle breeze ruffling his hair, the way the trees swayed gently and made a noise akin to sighing. He loved the way the planet looked as it wound down for sleep.

He wished that he had more time in his life to appreciate it. He had hoped that it would come after the war, that there could be time spared among the peace, but now he found himself being stretched thin in new and foreign ways. He knew he wouldn't get the chance, maybe ever, and the realisation made his jaw grind.

He thought more about what you had said the other day by the lake, about a bill to give clones rights, potentially getting paid for their work, or having the ability to leave the Imperial army. For the first time, Howzer wondered what it would be like to not be a soldier. If he was in control of his own fate, what would he do?

He would stay on Ryloth, he didn't even have to consider anything else. Maybe he'd make up for lost time, travel the planet and explore, find every untouched corner and bask in the evening light without the weight of a galaxy at war on his shoulders. Maybe he'd have a stall at the market, maybe he'd have a family, and his kids would play in the street, kicking up water in the fountain while he watched with that certain kind of smile that he only saw on the faces of parents.

It was wishful thinking, and that's all it was.

Deep inside, he knew he'd never see the day where he was liberated. He clenched his hands into fists as the anger that had been being nurtured in him all day finally rose up to the surface.

It wasn't fair. He'd given so much to the Republic. He'd given his life, he'd lost men, he'd fought with his bare hands for the people that they were supposed to protect, and all the while, the Senators in their ivory towers were the ones who decided his future, his fate. It wasn't fair and he was tired. He was so tired.

Thinking about it only made his head ache. He supposed that was why nothing would ever change. If the clones were kept in a state where they couldn't afford to think about their place in the galaxy, then they could be forced to serve with very little pushback.

Howzer made it to the barracks, his journey having only having made him even more irritated than he had been when he left the senate bureau. He let out a sigh of frustration, trying to relax before he'd have to deal with the chaos of his brothers. He didn't want to snap at them for something that wasn't their fault.

As he strode towards the door, his attention was caught by the noise of a page turning, and he looked over to see you sat beneath your usual tree, a stylus in hand and working it against the page of your flimsibook. He stopped walking and watched you for a moment.

He hadn't seen you since taking you to the lake that day, and even though he was tired, he was now itching to talk to you again. He couldn't help but think that your company might calm his angered thoughts.

You hadn't noticed him yet, and he debated not bothering you, but he quickly lost that argument with himself when he saw you smile at something you'd written. It was so effortlessly charming that his feet started moving on their own, carrying him over to you. When your head lifted and saw him approaching, however, your smile instantly dropped and you slammed your book shut. Howzer halted, unable to stop the pang of hurt that arose in his chest.

“Sorry” he blurted out, “I didn't mean to disturb you”

He turned on his heel and began to walk away before you called his name.

“I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting you” you said, beckoning him back, “did you need me for something?”

Howzer frowned. He wondered what could have made you think his relationship to you should be so transactional, that he would have to have a reason to talk to you besides wanting to.

“No” he shook his head, “I always see you out here though. What is it you're writing?”

“Uh…” you trailed off before you even began, looking down to your book and then back up to him, “it's… well, I— it's just…”

Howzer lifted a brow at the blush that spread over your lilac skin, “you don't have to tell me”

You looked relieved as soon as he said that, “sorry, it's just… private, I suppose”

“I get it” Howzer nodded, “Well I should—”

“Would you like to sit down?” you asked him, patting the spot beside you with a hopeful smile.

Howzer's heart did a small jump, and he walked back over to where you sat. You collected your robes up on one side, draping them over your knees, allowing him to sit close to you. He tried to hide his smile as he sat down, close enough that his shoulder brushed against yours.

He rested his head on the trunk of the tree as he sat back, his breath leaving him slowly as he felt the last rays of the sun hitting his skin and warming him.

“Everything alright?” you asked.

He hummed an affirmative, “just tired”

“I'm not surprised” you commented, “if you've only just got back”

“Yeah” Howzer breathed out, opening one eye to look at you, “how do you know when I usually get back? You been watching me?”

You laughed at the inquisitive edge to his voice, looking down to your lap as you shrugged, “I see you around, the pauldron makes you stand out”

Howzer smiled and closed his eye again. He could already feel his irritation being quelled. The sound of your laugh, the wry curl of your lips, and the twinkle in your eye taking his mind from his previous worries. Your presence distracted him so easily, so much that he hadn't even realised that he was falling asleep until you were waking him up again.

The sound of your voice calling for him brought him out a dream that he soon after forgot. You were stood above him, your expression a little worried, and he blinked a few times as he came back into consciousness fully.

“You should get to to bed”

“Right, yeah” he muttered, taking his head from the tree trunk.

You held your hands out, palms facing towards the sky that now twinkled with the suns of systems far away. He took them gently, letting you help pull him up from the floor, and once stood he looked down at your gentle smile with a fondness. You were close, almost chest to chest with him, and both of you were yet to let go of each other. Howzer skimmed his thumbs over your knuckles, and then stepped back, dropping your hands.

“Let me walk you back” he said quietly, then lifted his hand to cover his mouth as he yawned.

“I think I'll be walking you back today” you replied amusedly.

Howzer huffed a laugh, his eyes darting to the door of the barracks, “I'm only going over there”

“Well maybe I don't trust you not to fall asleep again before you get there”

When his eyes found yours again, he saw more seriousness written into your expression that he had anticipated. It twisted his stomach.

“I'm fine” he murmured, dragging his eyes away as he felt his cheeks heat with embarrassment.

“Mhm, sure”

He didn't want anyone worrying about him, and especially not you. You had bigger things to worry about, and the thought of you pitying him made him feel sick.

“Really, I'm alright” he insisted, trying to sound sincere.

You sighed, gazing up at him with a little tilt of your head.

“You needn't pretend, Howzer” you said softly, “we're friends, aren't we? I'd like you to be honest with me”

The admission of friendship made him wake up a bit more, his eyes brightening, back straightening him to his full height.

“I will be fine” he spoke honestly, a tired smile accompanying his words.

You offered him a smile in return with a slight shake of your head, “you promise?”

Howzer couldn't help the way his lips curled into a smirk. He held his hand up, all fingers curled into a fist but his fifth one, “pinky promise”

A grin spread across your face, lighting your eyes up as a delighted laugh bubbled up from your chest. You hooked your pinky with his, and Howzer had to bite back his own grin so he didn't look utterly ridiculous.

“Go on” you nodded your head over to the door, “go and rest”

“Yes ma'am” he muttered in a mockingly irritated tone.

Truthfully, your actions were tugging at something deep within him, each word pulling his chest taut. You actually cared about whether or not he was okay, and while it wasn't a grand display of affection, it was more than Howzer had received from another person.

You chuckled slightly, “Goodnight. Captain”

Howzer was wholly unprepared for your next act, and he almost let his knees fold and send him tumbling to the floor when you raised to your toes and planted a soft kiss to his cheek. The shock was evident on his face, and he knew his short breath betrayed him when you rocked back onto your heels and smirked at how flustered he was.

He had never been this affected by the actions of another another person like this. Frankly, he wanted to wipe that smirk right off of your face. In fact, all he could think at that moment was how he wanted to have you unable to even form words, at his mercy so the only sound able to pass your lips was his name. Howzer immediately scolded himself for the flurry of thoughts, all birthed from a simple kiss on the cheek. Maker, he needed to reel it back.

“Goodnight” he breathed out.

You tipped your head to him slightly, and then you were gone.

He watched your figure recede, and let his eyes roam down the back of your robe, a deep green dress that held tight to your torso and hung down past the belt at your hips. You turned to look over your shoulder, and gave him another smirk when you caught him staring.

It was then that he heard whispering coming from behind him, and his head whipped around to spot the culprits. As misfortune would have it, the two most meddlesome troopers under his command were stood in the doorway to the barracks, hissing and elbowing the other to be quiet. Howzer sighed. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation to navigate.

He strode over to the pair of them, and they straightened on instinct, though both of them had an expression that betrayed their intrigue.

“Go on, say what you're going to say” Howzer crossed his arms over his chest, struggling not to laugh himself as the two younger clones glanced to each other.

“Are you two screwi—? OW!” Oscar's prying was cut of by a swift kick to the shin by his brother.

“Sorry sir, we were only interested in knowing your relationship to the lady” Teddy explained less crudely, and a small chuckle left Howzer's lips.

They were quite the pair, and against his better judgement, they were among his favourite brothers. Oscar had a permanent case of head stuck in the gutter, but Teddy was always there to put him in his place, the more sensible of the two. Really, they were two sides of the same coin, both of them every bit as nosey as the other.

“She's a friend, not that it's any of your business” Howzer asserted, pushing past them to enter into the barracks.

“Told you” Oscar barked a laugh, causing Howzer to raise an eyebrow at him.

He turned to Teddy, “what exactly did he tell you?”

“He said that a clone like you wouldn't be able to handle a woman that ‘fine’” Teddy spoke candidly, a grin on his face at getting to rat out his brother.

“Oh, and you could?” Howzer asked the first clone, who admittedly looked a little apologetic until he got the chance to show off his practiced act of bravado.

“Absolutely” Oscar smirked broadly, his hands resting on the back of his head as he leaned back into the wall, “when she's tired of you, send her over to me and I'll show her a good time”

“Please” Teddy rolled his eyes, “you wouldn't know a good time if it socked you in the face”

“Shows what you know” Oscar prodded his brother in the stomach, “being socked in the face isn't a good time”

Howzer knew Oscar was all talk. He had seen his many attempts of hitting on women in their infrequent trips to the bar, and it was some pretty poor work, all clichés and boasting. It was lucky he was good with a Z-6 rotary, because off the battlefield he was sorely lacking. Teddy was a little more of a sensitive soul in comparison to his batchmate, weary of treading on other people's toes — Oscar being the exception.

“That's not—” Teddy sighed, “maker, you're stupid”

“Only as stupid as you, brother”

Oscar let them continue their good natured bickering, laying down on his bunk and letting out a deep sigh. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the galaxy, but Howzer was thankful for it in that moment.

His thoughts quickly dwelled on you. It was almost alarming, how quick his mind travelled there when given the freedom to think about anything. As he unclipped the pieces of his armour and slid beneath the sheet of his bunk, the only thing on his mind was your smirk. That maddening expression had its claws in him, tempting him in a way that he desperately tried not to acknowledge. You had just called him your friend, and you were far above him in the grand scheme of things, he couldn't afford to think like that.

Despite that, the expression burned into his brain, taunting him, begging him to give in, and his brain conjured up lewd images without his permission. He pushed them away, but they still lingered despite his attempts.

Howzer gulped. He was in big trouble.

The next few evenings were among the most relaxing times that Howzer had experienced since the end of the war, however ironic that seemed to him.

He sat with you under the tree, and at first neither of you would speak all that much. You sat opposite him, facing him so that he couldn’t see what you were writing in your flimsibook, only looking up to him periodically. Howzer took that same time to rest, and then as the evening turned to night, the comfortable silence turned to pleasant conversation.

You asked about his opinion on a number of matters, and he was embarrassed to admit to you that many of them were things he had never considered before. You didn't treat him as deficient for it, though, instead you helped him form his opinions in asking more questions.

You were very intelligent, that much was obvious to Howzer now. You seemed to have a vast base of knowledge, and you had a certain way with words that told him you were educated, but it was a lot more than that. You were empathetic, which he felt was a better scale for measuring intelligence, especially after the senate discussions he had listened to over the last few weeks.

None of those senatorial representatives had a single kind bone in their body, and their views seemed plainly misguided and frankly stupid for it. You were the antithesis, and that was probably why he was so drawn to you from the beginning.

It was getting harder to pretend that you had no effect on him, and it seemed like you knew that, that you were trying to make it harder. In every conversation, you seemed more flirty than in the one before, and Howzer was beginning to think he wasn’t imagining it. He couldn't return the advances. He was deathly afraid of reading the situation wrong, and he wouldn't lose the comfort of your friendship just because he got a bit ahead of himself.

When he arrived at the tree one day after being let off duty, and you weren't there, he was more than a little confused. You had been there everyday since arriving on the planet, and for a moment he was stricken with a nasty feeling that something was wrong. He waited beneath the tree for a little while, but it was quickly becoming apparent that you just weren't going to be joining him today.

He thought about where you could possibly be, and it crossed his mind that you may just be at your residence. In spite of the thought, he found his feet carrying him out of the city.

The sun was blinding, just beginning to make it's descent below the horizon and lighting the pathway between the trees of the forest as if directing him to the correct place. This walk had always calmed him, so even if you weren't waiting at the end of it, it wouldn't be in vain.

As he approached the lake, he saw the way your robe was laid out on the floor, as if it had been discarded, and at first his heart jumped to his throat. A few more of your belongings were there, your flimsibook and stylus, jewellery and boots. Luckily, before he could get too worried about what might have happened to you, he heard his name called.

His gaze whipped over to the voice, and his eyes laid upon you, treading water in the shaded part of the lake. He could feel the way his heart jumped, beating faster in his chest at the sight.

“What are you doing?” he asked, stepping towards the edge of the lake.

“Taking a dip” you said simply, “you want to join?”

Howzer paused, giving you a somewhat exasperated look, “I really shouldn't”

“Why not?”

Howzer knew why he shouldn't. It was grossly inappropriate, even being friends with a senate official and spending time with them off duty was most likely frowned upon. This felt different though.

“Well, I, uh— I don't have the right… attire” he tried to reason.

“Neither do I” you shrugged.

Howzer’s mind was reeling. He was trying desperately to keep his thoughts in check, but that taunting smirk was decorating your face, and it was probably his greatest weakness.

“Come on Captain, live dangerously” you called over to him, your voice particularly coquettish.

He watched you carefully, trying to find any indication of your intentions in the way you looked at him. It was strange, you were still so hard to read, but he felt like he could see right through you at the same time. You were toying with him in some way, but he couldn't tell why.

His fingers took the lead, and started unclipping his armour with your eyes following his movements, watching as every piece slid from his body. By the time he was peeling back his blacks, revealing tanned skin that very few people had seen before, he couldn't help but think that the way you were drinking him in was far from innocent. It sent a thrill through him, but he was still weary of his thoughts betraying him.

When he'd stripped down to just his underwear, he waded into the water tentatively. It wasn't freezing, but it certainly wasn't warm, and he couldn't stop the way he shivered. As the bottom of the lake fell away, he swam over, joining you in the shade.

Seeing you up close was electrifying. Maybe it was that he hadn't ever seen you without all of the usual opulence of your senatorial garb, or maybe it was the fact that you were only wearing your underwear, but he relished in seeing this different side to you. You were beautiful, and usually it was acknowledged alongside your prestige, but now it was in spite of the absence.

With any identifying items stripped from you, you were just a person, as he was. Suddenly you didn't seem as terrifying, your gentle smile inviting and natural, and Howzer could feel himself becoming even more entranced by you.

“What brought you here today?” you asked.

“I, uh—” Howzer was having trouble focusing, but he realised that he came looking for you, and something about your expression told him you might know that, “you weren't under the tree, I just wondered where you were”

“Why's that?” you tilted your head to the side a little, feigning innocence.

Howzer bit the inside of his cheek as he watched you for a moment. He wouldn't ordinarily speak the truth, but everything about the situation was clouding his mind.

“I like spending time with you” he said honestly, and your eyebrows raised, “is that a surprise?”

“Not exactly” you spoke thoughtfully, “I just didn't expect you to say so”

“Why’s that” he mocked the tone of your voice, which drew a laugh from you that made his smile grow.

“Well, you're usually very restrained”

Howzer raised a brow, shifting marginally closer to you, “restrained?”

You bit the corner of your lip a little, “guarded, then”

“Hm” Howzer hummed, narrowing his eyes, “well… I am a soldier”

You smirked, “that you are”

Howzer cocked his head to the side, as if to ask what was going on in your mind. He felt that he knew you better now, but you were still such an enigma to him. For all that you were calling him guarded, he could only think of a handful of times where you had completely relaxed around him, and spoke in a way that was discernibly candid.

Before he could ask what you meant, you swam closer to him, a lot closer to him.

“How did you get these?” your tone was softer as you reached out and touched the scar on his chin, and then the one on his cheek, rubbing your thumb across it gently.

Howzer could feel the heat of your body through the water with you being so close to him, and the feel of you caressing his face was just too much to deal with. He couldn't speak, and when you looked into his eyes he had to gulp down the saliva that was pooling in his mouth.

“Explosion” he managed to get out, “shrapnel. There— there was a kid, I—’

He found his words stuck in his throat, your gaze and your touch holding them captive as he became absolutely mesmerised.

“You… what?” you prompted, snapping him from his trance.

“I was protecting the kid… from the blast”

The edges of your lips lifted, your eyes crinkling a little, “that's very honourable, soldier”

The word sounded undeniably affectionate, like a nickname of sorts. You took your hand away from his cheek and swam backwards slightly, and Howzer let out a breath that he hadn't realised he was holding in.

“It's just what any clone would have done” he reasoned, his tone a little flippant as he denied your claim.

“Hm” your gaze was scrutinising as you thinned your eyes at him, “I think you're just being modest”

Howzer chuckled, a slightly nervous sound that didn't suit him, “I don't feel very modest right now”

He had said it quietly, more to himself than anything, but you laughed anyway.

“I can look away, if you want?” you teased, and his cheeks heated as he rolled his eyes, forcing his gaze away. “I'll spare you” you grinned, swimming away towards your discarded clothes.

Howzer tried desperately to pull his eyes away from you as you emerged from the lake, but with the way the water was sliding from your skin, crystal droplets that twinkled in the sun as they followed the contours of your body, he simply couldn't.

Suddenly he was struck by how inappropriate this was. He shouldn't be seeing you like this. If anyone found the two of you like this, unclothed and having been so close to each other — whatever the context — he couldn't be sure what would happen to him.

It was forbidden for clones to form relationships, to give themselves to someone other than the Empire, and the Republic before that. You knew this, Howzer knew you did, you must have. You had campaigned for clone rights within the senate, there was no way you didn't know that it was prohibited to get close to him in that way.

Suddenly nothing made sense anymore.

Either you had never been flirting with him in the first place, which was admittedly fine if not a blow to his pride, or you were a whole lot crueller than he had realised. He didn't truly believe that you were capable of a cruelty such as that. He knew you to be kind, he knew you to be caring, far more caring than any Senator he'd ever met. Though, at the end of the day, you were still a politician. Perhaps it didn't matter that you seemed to be concerned with things such as clone rights or the other changes you sought to make to the Senate, perhaps you were still as removed from the general public that you sought your own desires above everything else.

The idea of that being him, however it had excited him previously, now filled him with disgust.

He dragged himself from the lake, quickly dressing in silence, even as the water made his blacks stick to him uncomfortably. He didn't look over at you, some form of animosity washing over him that he tried to brush away. It felt uncomfortable, he didn't want to feel this way about you. It didn't feel right, it was incongruent with how he truly felt, but that was what made everything so confusing.

“Is everything alright?”

He glanced over to you, your expression conveying concern as you did up the final buttons of your robe. Howzer forced his eyes away as he slipped his pauldron into place, “fine”

The word sounded bitter, and he cringed at the harshness of his tone.

“Are you sure?” you asked, your hand laying on his forearm and stopping his movements.

He looked back up, and the compassion in your eyes only sought to make his head spin with conflicting thoughts.

“You shouldn't have done that” the words fell from his mouth without permission, and the way you receded from him, your expression wounded, he raced to add, “I shouldn't have”

Your brows drew together slightly, “done what?”

An enervated noise escaped him, not really willing to admit his feelings for you, especially if he had entirely misread the situation.

“We can't be… close. It's against the rules, against my… code” he mumbled out, his words not sounding as definitive and confident as he wished.

“Oh” your face fell even further, “right, of course. I apologise”

Howzer’s heart lurched at your hurt expression, knowing that he was the one who had caused it. He watched you gather your things, slipping your jewellery back on and with it your authoritative demeanour and stony politician’s mask, and his heart clenched tighter in his chest. You grabbed your flimsibook and stylus, and before he could speak up again to explain himself, you had given him a curt nod and were walking away.

His hand stretched out as if to grab you and stop your leaving, but you were much too far away for that now. He felt a fool, reaching for something that could never be, and a painful sight of his own making.

The next day was difficult, for everyone.

The dispute between Cham, man of the people, and Senator Taa, decidedly the opposite, had reached its climax. It was at the stage of all out disagreement and discussion had given way to argument. There were raised voices, pointing fingers, flaring nostrils, and it was bordering on name calling. Howzer didn't know how to cope with it.

He was inclined to step in and hold both parties back, even if they were at opposite ends of the large wooden table, but he knew that was well beyond his jurisdiction. Everyone else had joined in, not as outwardly outraged as Cham or as vehement as Ora Free Taa, but more animated nonetheless.

Everyone, except you.

Howzer watched the way your teeth ground together, eyes cold and darting around at the other delegates, and he could tell you were far angrier than he'd ever seen you. He wanted to reach out and offer some kind of support, a natural instinct, but he couldn't do anything of the sort, and besides, you would scarcely look at him.

It hurt, as much as it was necessary.

He knew that he had done the right thing, ending whatever there was between you before it began, and for that, he was proud of his restraint, but with the way you turned your gaze from him at every juncture, it certainly didn't feel like it.

So he watched on, his stomach twisted in guilt and his heart reaching out for you despite it all.

Your lip twitched as one of the other senate officials said something so morally reprehensible about the people of Ryloth and how they were viewed by the new Imperial senate, that Howzer actually let out a tiny gasp. Another official backed them up, and soon almost everyone was giving their two credits, the tone of conversation turning more and more sinister as it was being allowed to breed in the hateful speech that was being spewed.

“Stop!” you suddenly shouted above the racket, leaping up from your seat, a fist clenched and slamming into the table.

The room fell silent, and you breathed heavily for a moment before you spoke up again, your tone vicious and scathing.

“I cannot sit by and listen to this hateful drivel any longer. Ryloth deserves better than this, our people deserve more than all of you as their leaders. Do none of you have hearts? Can you not see that acting this way, choosing to go through with these plans, will only drive our planet further towards poverty, towards insecurity and scarcity, is that really what you want for our people?”

Howzer could feel his heart beating out of his chest. Your sudden display of passion and empathy for your people made his knees feel weak, threatening to bring him to the ground. You commanded the room, all eyes turned to you and hanging on every word. He knew that you cared more than the average Senator, but seeing you showcase it made his admiration grow once more.

“Aren't you just an aide? Why should we listen to you?” one of the other Twi'lek's asked, and you released a humourless laugh that sent a shiver running down Howzer's spine.

“I am a senate representative, sir. Do you know what that means?” you asked facetiously, and Howzer's eyebrow raised, an impressed smirk playing on his lips, “I am above you, and you will listen to me when I tell you that your way of thinking will be the downfall of our people. It's people like you that make me—”

“Stand down representative” the firm voice of Orn Free Taa called, and your head twinged to the side to send him a sharp look.

“Senator, surely we can't allow—”

“We will allow nothing, only I can and will decide what action to take. You have no power here, you're nothing, not while I am around” he spoke fiercely, and you backed down immediately, like a wounded animal at the mercy of its predator.

It was hard to watch, the way you sunk into your chair after being scolded, belittled in front of everyone. Your posture was slumped, your face turned downwards and an embarrassed blush scorching your cheeks. Your eyes snapped up for a moment, just enough to catch Howzer's sympathetic gaze and then to tear them away again.

The session was concluded shortly after, the setting sun quelling any arguments as everyone wished to leave the tense environment and get back to their homes for some peace. As soon as you were dismissed, you sped right past Howzer, storming from the room with a deep frown that made his worry for you grow.

He ran after you once everyone else had filed from the room, speeding through the bureau halls and bursting out into the courtyard. You were halfway across it by the time he caught up to you, calling your name even though it didn't make you slow your hurried pace.

Howzer gently grabbed your wrist, tugging on it inadvertently when you didn't immediately stop. You swivelled around, a thoroughly displeased expression contorting your features. His words failed him, not knowing how to comfort you in that moment.

“I'm so sorry” he said earnestly, “he shouldn't get to treat you like that. You're not nothing, don't let his words hurt you”

“I don't care about that” you scoffed, “it's his actions that hurt me, and the way that none of them actually seem to care about what happens to this planet”

“I know, I know” Howzer nodded, his tone soothing as his thumb brushed over your pulse point, “I'm sorry they won't listen to you”

Your eyes dropped to where his hand still enveloped your wrist, bringing your other hand to cover it for a moment, before you removed yourself from his grip.

“Thank you, then” you gave him a tight smile, and as much as it was strained, he could tell it was genuine.

“Can I walk you back?” he asked quietly, locking eyes with you and finding a reluctant tenderness.

“No” you replied curtly, swallowing anymore words that could have found their way past your lips, “goodnight Captain”

For the second day in a row, Howzer watched you walking away from him, your feet carrying you with the same grace despite your more hurried steps. He felt awful that he had thought so lowly of you the previous day, that he had even entertained the idea that you were as selfish and self-important as the other politicians.

He decided then, stood in the middle of the square, that he hated the sight of you leaving him, and that thought would continue to fester uncomfortably within him for the foreseeable future.

taglist: @darthnihila @cdblake1565 @heidnspeak @mae-lou-ron @burningnerdchild

[suddencolds]

a personal milestone 🥳 + author's note

i finally made it 😭 (there is probably another 10k sitting in my drafts, but i have always tracked word count for this project as a sum of already-published installments)

also a (somewhat long) journal entry below:

—

This has been the main project in my life for almost two years, now (I started writing on 1.26.2023). It's my first proper attempt at a novel, and it's one of my first times ever posting original work anywhere 😭

It's hard to say how I feel now, perhaps because I feel too much.

Where to go from here? I considered dropping the series entirely before I hit the milestone because I was very tired. In a way, I felt like I had said everything I wanted to say. But I think I also love this series a lot more than I can properly verbalize.

To be completely honest, writing this series was so lonely. To work for so long on something that I could not show to nearly anyone irl (not family, not close friends, not peers, not strangers I met who I talked to about art); to spend hundreds of hours on something that I could only ever post to a small subset of people... all of that was very lonely. I'm sure other creatives have felt this way too.

And at the same time, hearing what people on snzblr thought became probably the most potent source of happiness in my life (is that pathetic? Maybe so.) I don't think this project was self-sustaining at all; I think to some extent, I wrote it because I wanted to hear people tell me that they liked it. I realize this is a terrible and unsustainable reason to create art, but that's the truth.

On some level, though, I kept writing because I loved Y+V. They've been at the forefront at my life for almost two years now 😭 I spent a long time teaching myself how to write them, and a lot of the themes & choices in the series are quite personal. Embarrassingly, I still want to talk about Y+V all the time.

When I posted to ask if I could send my unfinished/unpolished WIPs, some people reached out to offer to read them... and then I never sent anything over to anyone. I think a part of me could not get it through my head that people would be willing to read something completely unpolished, because... well, frankly, a lot of my drafts are just pretty unreadable; I typically only post things that I have already cleaned up. More importantly, I felt like sending my drafts to people—even people who had given me explicit permission to send them!—was selfish and troublesome.

On some level, I also felt the same about asking others to brainstorm with me: I felt like I was asking them a favor which I did not know how to pay back. Perhaps this is just another way in which I have been cruel/uncharitable to myself, but I never imagined people enjoying receiving my drafts. I could never convince myself that for those people, giving feedback/discussing ideas might not actually be a chore. I was always scared to make writing less of a lonely process because I could only think about how easy it would be for me to ask too much.

This is probably the most honest I've been about this particular subject 😭 I am not good at gauging what constitutes 'too much.' I feel like I can get carried away when someone expresses interest, so I try to preemptively position myself as someone who does not impinge on others... I think that even outside of this series, I have defaulted to this pattern of trying to give and trying not to ask. In that particular sense, I am perhaps to blame for my own loneliness.

Anyways! Recently, I've gone back to (tentatively) writing after months of not writing. I'm not sure if I will post another installment here (maybe if the drafts are 'good enough', I will?), but it's nice to write without worrying so much that what I am writing needs to be publishable/presentable.

If you have ever left tags/comments on my work, and you are reading this, I am grateful beyond words to you for keeping me company + for making me feel like what I was spending so much time on was a little more meaningful :') I always go back to reread them when I'm in need of encouragement. Thank you sincerely for the happiness. ❤️

[agirlking]

Me laying flowers on YJ’s grave: I’m sorry sudden season 2 death syndrome took you too.

[autisticrosewilson]

You're all fucking wrong about Catholic Jason he wouldn't feel guilt about Jack shit, ESPECIALLY not killing. He would get the All-Blades and be convinced that this is God's go ahead and divine confirmation that he's right about everything and all of his opinions are valid and everyone who opposes his worldview is a moron blinded by idealism and naivete.

[wonder-worker]

Wild how we know that Elizabeth Woodville was officially appointed to royal councils in her own right during her husband’s reign and fortified the Tower of London in preparation of a siege while 8-months pregnant and had forces gathering at Westminster “in the queen’s name” in 1483 – only for NONE of these things to be even included, let alone explored, in the vast majority of scholarship and historical novels involving her.

[chill-vibes-but-rainbow-panic]

Finally back, with a lil more of Chill's Artist Admiration Sketchbook; making fanart for blogs I like :D

@kingspacebar

Accessoires and colours my beloved <3 <3 <3

[joseigamer]

Patalliro! is fascinating to me because of stuff like this. It's unapologetically gay - even within its anime which aired during primetime hours in 1982 - in a way that many later BL manga would never be, like the ones from the early 2000s which would never dare to call their characters actual homosexuals. Patalliro has actually aged quite well in this regard, there's something comforting about how campy it is.

[fujii-draws]

OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

Kuron as Minotaur, Lotor as Icarus, and Shiro as Ship of Theseus. Is this anything??

[gingermintpepper]

I've seen so many interesting and fun greek myth ships over the years both divine and mortal supported by text and just for fun, and yet I fear tonight, I will be throwing my hat into the ring as a propagator of niche greek myth ships because like, no seriously how is Aristaeus/Dionysus not already thing.

[autisticlee]

sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.

but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.

I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.

(continue in tags)

[pocketramblr]

I always found it slightly awkward how media makes siblings or people who see each other as siblings call each other brother/sister all the time as in real life you almost never see people do that with their own siblings (maybe someone out there like that)

In the case of Arkham Shadows I see why they did though because Bruce quite literally tells Harvey he loves him and Harvey says it back. Can't have the audience think Batman is in love with the DA.

They had Bruce pay for his college, pay for his campaign, pay for his surgery, pay for his therapy and had Harvey have him as his best man at his wedding. Wow..... Sugar baby Harvey is real.....

The calling sibling title thing is less common in English than in some other languages for sure- me and a couple of my siblings do it on occasion, but it's for a bit then. More common is when I call one of my close family friends "my sister" or "my nephew" when talking about them to someone else because it's faster and easier to say that than to say "my friend who I've known since she was born and lived with for a few years and consider a little sister" or "child of a close family friend who considers me an aunt" to someone who doesn't know them. Which is a lot of words to say that if they wanted to fully sell me on the brothers thing they should have either had a different bit or should have referred to the other as "my brother" when talking to an unrelated character instead.

But "oh no we have to make Bruce not look gay" has been a problem DC has struggled with more than once for many decades and it basically never works so I guess at least they didn't try to solve it this time by having Bruce pick a lady love over Harvey or cutting the holding hands thing

Because I saw that scrapbook! I know Harvey has been Bruce's sugar baby since he was ten years old! But we can't have Bruce take Harvey's hand and call him the love of his life because ok technically that's Gotham but also because gay. And we can't have Bruce take Harvey's hand and call him his best friend because they're not ten anymore and somehow that seems gay also. So brothers it is, I guess. Even if I think my brothers would bite my finger if I ever tried to pay for everything for them on that scale, guess it's different at billionaire levels