#which may be a product of pda profile things or not. these aren’t the only diagnoses I’d likely fit but they are the ones that explain the

[edge-oftheworld]

I don’t really talk about it much on here because I’m extremely lucky to be able to understand exactly what’s going on in my body, but it’s scary to live for years as someone who Gets Things Done in a way your peers don’t really understand, be putting effort into so many things you care about, and then suddenly lose the ability to do not only that but also basic tasks overnight after a deadline, and bit by bit after many. it’s scary getting really irritable sometimes to the point of violence, just when you were meant to be celebrating the rewards from your hard work, the only impact of the work you did that you can see is that you overdrafted your ability to do anything. including have a basic conversation without getting grumpy or crying. and your body is going to make you pay it back with interest, you already know that, but you don’t know how to start filling yourself back up. you’ve only ever enjoyed being on the grind, hard at work on exciting things.

I don’t know how many of you have been through the kind of burnout that’s years of needing 12hrs of sleep a night but with terrible insomnia, waking up to what feels like a hangover for weeks on end with little relief then rinse and repeat without having a single drink, feeling too sick to eat and needing to exercise to emotionally regulate but being unable to, anxiety that doesn’t come from worry but you’ll pick that up too at some point, dissociating every time you try to do mentally taxing tasks that you’re PAID for so it takes an hour of grounding yourself just to get five minutes worth of productive concentration, falling asleep the minute you feel a little safe by being in the presence of loved ones. but I suspect I’m not the only one.

I’ve had songs for the energetic and angsty times leading up to this. for the exasperated times and the brain fog and the times where all my limited energy is tied up in feeling things. that I need to, need to acknowledge, but it’s overwhelming and I live in a haze for weeks as a result of. songs telling of the kind of youth I wish I had, even when I was sold something else. songs for the months spent as a teenager trying to be there for my friends, worrying for them, distracting me from worrying for myself, trying to cling on to positivity and hope amongst it when I had to choose to make a discipline of always seeing that. I’ve had songs for healing and when healing is harder than expected and songs that have the right level of musical complexity to capture the layers of everything that’s happening in my head, making it sound good, telling me it’s gonna be okay.

I don’t know how I could ever say thank you for this. but I do know that I see parts of myself in the people behind these songs, of course I do, and I worry for them as a result and ache for them because it’s hard enough to feel this way when no one knows me or feels the need to control me or mould me into what they think I should be. I’d do anything to keep them all healthy and happy and all of their loved ones too and I don’t think it’s strange as a fan to take that seriously. I hope we can understand the need to treat them gently, and to while not questioning their privacy and the fact that they’re never going to tell us everything they go through, listen to our intuition when we catch something we relate to and treat what they’ve shared with us or hinted at with the dignity we would if someone we love told us something vulnerable. be kind in our expectations and be intentional in the fan culture we create because it does make its way back to them.

and the same goes with all of you. we’re bonding over the same things. I know a lot of this fandom is in the stage where interpersonal relationships are hard. we don’t mean to be grumpy of frustrated but we are. and I’m sending love to all of you. we can get through this together. it’s what they’ve always longed for isn’t it?

[choosingfreedom-a]

When Levi likes someone, how does he show it?

(heeeey anon, i’m gonna assume that when you say “like,” you mean it in a romantic sense??? so that’s what i’m gonna talk about. but let me know if you meant just in a general friendship sense and i can amend it !!)

this is a great question, but also a slightly difficult question to answer, just bc it’s uh – a rare occurrence haha

to explain that a bit: i hc levi as demiromantic, meaning he doesn’t experience romantic attraction to anyone until he knows them very well. it also tends to come on slowly; his romantic feelings just aren’t all that strong, and it may take him a long time to even recognize them as such. take this, plus the fact that he’s a soldier who has quite a lot to deal with already, and you have a levi who places romance far down on his list of priorities.

but when feelings do arise, his general inclination is – well, to ignore them. or acknowledge them and move on with his life without acting on them. this is mostly because (in canon, at least) he loses enough people already, and it hurts enough already. he fears letting someone get too close to his heart and then losing them. he worries about what that would do to him. it seems a foolish risk to take. and given how emotionally constipated he tends to be anyway, it isn’t all that hard to act as if he feels nothing out of the ordinary.

even so, his affections – and this tends to go for friendship too – manifest in small ways. he’s observant anyway, but he’s very observant when it comes to those he cares for; he notices things, whether it’s a change in mood or a new favorite meal or a product they’re running low on or redness around their eyes that say they’ve been crying. and, driven by the desire to care for them, he may respond in little, often nonverbal ways – they might find a replacement for their broken equipment waiting for them when they get home, or notice the mess they’ve been avoiding has been tidied up, or find an extra mug of their favorite type of tea is on the table at breakfast after a night of little sleep. we all know levi isn’t very good with words, but he shows that he cares through small deeds that draw little attention to themselves.

what he does not do, in canon or in any au, is moon over the object of his affections like a lovestruck teenager. i’m sorry, this is a bit of a diversion, but i’ve seen too many portrayals of certain popular ships that show levi utterly caught up in the character he’s being shipped with, struck dumb by them, suddenly becoming tongue-tied and smitten, and he’s just – not like that? partly because, again, he doesn’t tend to develop romantic feelings until he’s already known someone for a good while, so he doesn’t really develop infatuations, and partly because he’s just...he’s awkward in many of his own ways, but he’s just not the kind of person to act silly around people. if he does feel awkward, he’s more likely to close up, to make jokes that fall flat, or make statements that seem to come from nowhere. he might cover it by being more abrasive than usual, or he might go out of his way to make some kind gesture, only to get irritated when it’s inevitably questioned. he isn’t good at expressing emotions, that part’s true, just -- don’t make the mistake of thinking his personality will suddenly change and he’ll start acting stereotypically love-sick. he won’t. 

anyway!! it’s also going to depend on who it is that he likes, because in many ways, the way he shows it will just be -- an extension of the way he already acts towards them. the thing with levi is that the way he shows affection can, outwardly, appear pretty much the same way you might expect him to show disdain. if he tells hange that they’re a messy, meddling weirdo, it sure sounds like he’s insulting them, but uh -- he’s actually being fond ?? if he tells erwin he’s a pain in the ass, there’s an undercurrent of but you’re worth the trouble that you may not see?? he takes his regular biting, blunt demeanor and turns it into something affectionate by the way in which he means it. (that’s part of the reason he’s so hard to read -- because he comes across the same way, often, whether he’s angry or fond.) so it might actually be quite hard to tell how much he likes someone by the surface way he interacts with them.

but let’s say he does get romantically involved with someone. how does he show it? well, he’s not very pda about it -- he prefers to keep things low-profile. so it manifests in small touches, in little modes of possessiveness, in the settling of a hand on a shoulder or thigh or in sitting closer together than is otherwise socially acceptable. if he likes you, then he also often takes it upon himself to uh, claim your space as his, so he’s likely to just show up uninvited in your room or office or what have you, whether or not you’re there. 

but the most important thing is his loyalty, and his trust. he can’t be with anyone he doesn’t trust, and who doesn’t trust him, but if that bond exists, then expect him to go to the ends of the earth for you.