#suicide awarenes

[vsyrworld]

good thing happen in 2022 : i'm proud to prevent my friend commit suicide , be there for her during her worst, stop self harming herself, and now seeing her mentally growing better each day💗

[selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs]

Self-Aware BSD. World Building. Getting into their world. Part I

Was thinking about writing this installment ever since I published this post.

Important part of my AU - (most of the) characters don't like Reader at first. Some of them hate Reader, some of them were scared of them, some of the characters doesn't care about Reader etc.

So, what would happen, if Guiding Light got into BSD world before characters start liking them?

Part I

When Reader were transported:

Before Characters gain self-awareness

After characters gain self-awareness but before they start feeling their gaze

After characters start feeling their gaze but before time reset

Warning: OOC. Slight spoilers for LN, Anime and Manga, some characters are dangerous to Reader. English is my second language

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If Reader got into BSD World before Characters gain self-awareness

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🐾 Terrible moment to be transported. World, full of faceless figures. World, where characters resemble a moving 3D models, that won't react to you, no matter, what you do. If you are strong enough, you will hold yourself together, until Atsushi gains his self-awareness.

Level of danger: 1/10. Hard for mental health, but no one will attack you.

What's good in your situation:

You have a chance to explore Yokohama.

No problems with supplies.

Characters, when they gain self-awareness, will be friendlier to you. They won't associate you with heavy gaze in the sky.

What's bad in your situation:

You might wait for a long time, before characters gain self-awarenes. Depends, on how close to Cannibalism arc you were isekaied.

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If Reader got into BSD World after characters gain self-awareness but before they start feeling their gaze

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🐾 Tricky one. You can pretend to be a Character, who got self-awareness, but, the chances, that characters will believe you for long are slim. No one saw you before, so, what kind of characters are you, if you have no interaction with any of them? Better tell them the truth about been from the real world.

🐾 Characters are on their guard around you. They aren't sure, if they can trust you.

🐾 While you aren't a Gaze from the sky (for now), you still a person, who knew their secrets.

Tips for interaction:

1. Don't treat them like characters. Don't joke about Chuuya's height, Dazai's suicidal tendencies, Jounou's eyes etc.

2. Never mentioned their likes, dislikes or past. They won't like to be reminded about the fact, that thousands of strangers knew their secrets.

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Level of dangers: Depends on Organization you try to stay with.

___________

Armed Detective Agency: 1/10

Ranpo immediately prove your 'innocence'. Yes, you didn't have any idea that they are self-aware. Yes, you didn't know, how did you get there.

Still, ADA will keep an eye on you. Still, will let you go for walks (with at least one of them accompanying you).

____________

Atsushi Nakajima - On his guard, but won't be too unfriendly. Will hurt you only if you attack someone.

Doppo Kunikida - Man is broken by the fact he is not real. You might try to talk to him, he won't be rude to you, but Katai, Yosano, Fukuzawa and Dazai won't let you got too close to him.

Akiko Yosano - Furious about the fact, that she.is a fictional character. Will look after everything you do. It will take her a long time to open up to you. Won't put you in any kind of danger, tho, and, if you got injured, will treat your wounds.

Junchirou Tanizaki - More concerned about his sister. Neutral towards you at that point. Will destroy you, if you make Naomi cry.

Naomi Tanizaki - Neutral and friendly at the same time. Can feel, that you aren't bad person. Don't be rude to Junchirou.

Kirako Haruno - Don't have any bad feelings towards you. Knew, that you are a simple person, who won't hurt anyone.

Katai Tayama - Buried in work. Protective over Kunikida, don't want you near him.

Kenji Miyazawa - sunshine boy. Will be very friendly and polite. Of course, if you didn't do anything bad to his friends.

Kyouka Izumi - Don't trust you. Ready to strike you, if you give her a reason.

Ranpo Edogawa - pretty chill about you. Knew, that you are a simple person and have no chance against them.

Yukichi Fukuzawa - Insist on you to be near him, so he can stop you, if you became a threat. Still, very respectful towards you.

Dazai Osamu - Hard to read. Will always observe you. Don't give him any reason to suspect you.

In conclusion: Not bad to stay with them. They might not trust you fully, but they won't mistreat you or hurt you.

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Port Mafia: 5/10

You will be a semi-prisoner for them. Won't keep you in cell, but you can't leave HQ.

Will question you about your world, how you get in their world, etc.

Not very friendly towards you. Treat you with cold, distant respect.

____________

Ougai Mori - Respectful towards you. Won't let any sort of disrespect from you. You can ask him if you need anything, he will make sure, that you aren't harmed.

Elise - Neutral and friendly towards you. Can ask you to play with her. Tried to ask you to prank Mori with her. Don't do it, Mori won't be that forgiving.

Chuuya Nakahara - Neutral and unfriendly towards you. Due to his past, don't like people who try to use him. For him, been a fictional character mean that you might see him as a source of entertainment. Still, won't be that hard on you. Just try not to bother him without reason.

Kouyou Ozaki - Doesn't care about you. She is more concerned about Kyouka. Don't badmouth Kyouka in her presence.

Paul Verlaine - Danger! Paul Verlaine is very angry about the fact that he is a fictional character, on top of been an artificial human. Try not to tun into him. While he won't disobey Mori's orders, it doesn't mean he won't create an incident that will leave you injured.

Ryunosuke Akutagawa - Don't care about you. Don't bother him, if you don't want to be hurt.

Ichiyou Higuichi - Respectful towards you, but won't try to make a small talk with you. Don't want to speak to you.

Ryuurou Hirotsu - Neutral towards you. Will keep you company over a cup of tea, if the chance arises.

Gin Akutagawa - Little bit friendlier, than her brother. Won't lay a finger on you. Not against bringing you something nice.

Michizou Tachihara - Try to interrogate you. There is a chance, that he would try to transfer you to the Hunting Dogs base.

Kyuusaku Yumeno - Love and hate you at the same time. You are the embodiment of chaos for them.

Motojirou Kajii - Neutral, but want to know more about your world. Semi-friendly.

In conclusion: The main danger for you is Verlaine. If you keep your distance from him, everything will be fine.

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The Guild: 3/10

Poe was the one, who proved that you aren't dangerous. Guild, as ADA will keep an eye on you. Will let you go for walks.

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Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald - interested in your world. Want to know, if you knew, where The Book is. Won't be angry, that you don't know about it. Keep his distance, but makes sure, that you are comfortable.

Edgar Allan Poe - anxious around you, but, it's because of his personality, not because of you been from real world. Will slowly became friendly towards you.

Herman Melville - very respectful towards you. Doesn't feel any negative emotions towards you.

Howard Phillips Lovecraft - curious about you. Still, won't try too much to strike a conversation with you. Don't bother him when he sleeps.

John Steinbeck - Openly rude towards you. He is missing his family, and think, that you are the reason they disappear. Keep your distance.

Lucy Maud Montgomery - while she doesn't like the fact, that, her past was written as tragic, probably for someone else entertainment, she is friendly towards you. Like to chat with you.

Louisa May Alcott - another one who is shy near you. With time, will open up to you.

Margaret Mitchell - Very cold towards you. Miss her family. Keep your distance.

Mark Twain - friendly one. Doesn't treat you seriously. Doesn't treat anything seriously.

Nathaniel Hawthorne - very dangerous, doesn't matter, if he is under Fyodor's influence or not. See you as a threat to Mitchell.

In conclusion: Come to them only if they are your only option. You have three people who are openly hostile towards you. It's unlikely, that they will hurt you, but, staying with three rude people can take a toil at your mood.

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Rats in the House of the Dead: 0/10 or 8/10

The only way for you to stay with them - to make Fyodor interested in you. Otherwise, they won't be bothered in letting you stay.

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Alexander Pushkin - Doesn't care about you. Too selfish to treat you with respect.

Ivan Goncharov - His feelings towards you depends on Fyodor's feelings. If Fyodor doesn't like you, he will be very aggressive towards you. If Fyodor is neutral towards you, he won't pay attention towards you and won't care about you. If Fyodor sees you as valuable, he will do anything to serve you.

In conclusion: Don't bother to stay with them. But, they are a good way to find Fyodor.

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Decay of the Angel: 5/10, 8/10 or 10/10

If you somehow ran into them, you can exchange some information about your world and about BSD plot for staying with them.

Think twice, about staying with them.

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Fukuchi Ouchi - Think that you are the reason that his plans were destroyed. May seriously hurt you, if he realises, that you are the Reader.

Bram Stoker - Doesn't care about you. You may talk with him about your world, but be careful. Fukuchi won't like it, if he finds out that you are talking with Bram.

Fyodor Dostoevsky - try to make him see you as a valuable source of information. Don't try to give him garbage information. As long as you are valuable, Fyodor will protect you from Fukuchi and Gogol.

Nikolai Gogol - unpredictable. One moment he is trying to be as close to you as he can, next moment planing your murder. Be respectful, don't try to disagree with his opinion. Try to run into his as rare as you can.

Sigma - neutral and worried about you. Won't be rude, but it will take time to convince him that you don't want to use him.

In conclusion: Sigma and Fyodor are the safest option among DOA. Still, DOA is the most dangerous organization to stay with. If you really have to stay with DOA, better search for Fyodor through Rats.

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Hunting Dogs: 2/10

Probably, Tachihara transfer you to Hunting Dogs from Port Mafia.

Hunting Dogs are respectful towards you. Good protectors from Fukuchi.

Fukuchi Ouchi - won't do anything with you. Still, don't like you.

Teruko Okura - was sad, that you were interrogated by Jounou. Nevertheless, don't try to hurt you. Friendly towards you.

Saigaku Jouno - knew, that you have no idea, what happened with them or why are you here. He keeps his distance, can be a little bit sadistic with his words, but not pose any threat towards you.

Tetchou Suehiro - neutral towards you. Treat you as a normal civilian.

In conclusion: Good choice. As long as you don't spill the beans about Fukuchi.

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Government and Others: 0/10

You will be supervised. Still, the worst you will get - house arrest.

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Santouka Taneda - respectful towards you. Makes sure, that you aren't mistreated.

Ango Sakaguchi - very overworked right now. Simply has no power to care about you.

Mizuki Tsujimura - look after you. Very friendly towards you, try to make sure that you are comfortable.

Yukito Ayatsuji - slightly curious about you. See, that you are a normal person. Treat like a normal person.

Mushitarou Oguri - try to keep his distance. Still can't accept the fact he is a fictional character.

Natsume Soseki - won't try to show himself to you. Observing.

In conclusion: Good choice. They aren't dangerous to you. As long as you don't do anything dangerous.

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If Reader got into BSD World after characters start feeling their gaze but before time reset

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🐾 Actually, not that different from previous interactions.

🐾 When you hot into their world, they stop feeling Entity's gaze.

🐾 But they found you instead.

🐾 Despite the fact, that characters would add '2' and '2' and understand, that you are The Entity that was looking at them, they won't be really agressive towards you.

🐾 Will they be more cautious? Yes

🐾 Will they treat you colder? Yes

🐾 Will they kill you on the spot? No

🐾 Will they torture you? No

🐾 Will they embarrass you? Humiliate you? No.

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Level of Danger:

Armed Detective Agency: 3/10. More cautious. More cold. Yosano and Dazai are ruder. Still, you aren't in danger.

Port Mafia: 6/10. Again, characters are less friendly, but not to the point of harming you.

The Guild: 5/10. Steinbeck, Mitchell and Hawthorne are more hostile, but won't try to do anything drastic.

Rats in the House of the Dead: 0/10 or 8/10. As I mentioned, Fyodor Dostoevsky is the one who plays the music during this party. No difference.

Decay of the Angel: 8/10 or 10/10. Fyodor will be the only one who is willing to interact with you. Sigma is afraid of you, Gogol's feelings are complicated, Fukuchi hates you. Will try to imprison you. Still, won't try to search for you. Just stay away.

Hunting Dogs: 3/10. Fukuchi will try to convince others that you aren't human. He won't sucseed, but Hunting Dogs will more careful.

Government and Others: 2/10. Another group, who will be cautious because of possibility of you not been a human. Still, nothing dangerous to your health.

In conclusion: Hard time to be transported into BSD World. Still, not to the point of been terrified.

[ladyinabox]

His final words.. “Thank you.”

This episode of Tomorrow was a very emotional one. A lot of issue were tackled in this episode. I’ve watched this twice but I can still feel all the pain this man had to endure while growing old alone. I hope everyone learn how to appreciate others because we don’t know what their whole story and what they’ve have been gone through. Let’s be kind. :)

[awritersantics]

here i am

flying, defying gravity, 

some things were never meant to be but here i am

thriving, defying destiny, 

forcing the fates to sing off key to make room for me. 

i was built to fall apart right from the start 

but fuck “written in the stars”

i am a piece that can’t be found in anyone else’s puzzle box

but here i am. 

***trigger warning: mention of suicide***

i haven’t been active on this blog (or like, any) for a long time, but today i have a story to share and didn’t really know a better place to go. 

today is my best friend’s birthday. she should be 19. she took her life almost a year ago. 

i was writing a poem for her that was supposed to be a birthday present for her last year, but it wasn’t finished in time and then things started getting really bad with her. i had forgotten about it and i never gave it to her. it was a poem meant to celebrate how far she had come in her battle against mental illness and how proud of her i was. i regret that i never finished it in time. i regret that she never read it. i don’t think it would’ve changed anything if she had, but at least she would’ve seen it. 

so, in honour of her birthday, i decided that i would share it here, unfinished, with all of you. if any of you are struggling with mental illness or addiction, or any of you are on the path to healing and recovery, this poem is for you. my best friend never got to read it, so this poem is for you. i love you. and i’m proud of you. 

[theopaquemind]

Grief in all its Glory

Written: 10/08/2020

Posted 5/01/2021 - 4 years since Brandon’s passing.

Content warning: death, suicide, grief, drugs, addiction, swearing.

I recently came across a website for Australians to speak openly about grief. It was startling. Not what was said on it. But the fact that a website like that now existed. I’d never seen anything so open and frank before. What should be startling is that humans still live in this discomfort of talking about certain sadness's, bereavements, pains and anguish. The most inevitable experience is still faux pas - we all die, but talking about it is not altogether acceptable. Along the journey of life, there are other sadness’s and struggles which, once brewed in scalding waters of unsavoury conversation, now seep in tepid tolerance. For the most part, I refer to this broadly as ‘mental illness’, and while its garnered greater awareness, it is still riddled with stigma and misunderstanding. Similarly, discussions around addiction are typically soaked in the self-aggrandising dogma that this only happens to the lower echelons of society; those plagued by weaknesses that led to their inevitable misfortune. And then the doozy of ‘grief’ – talking about it makes many people uneasy; people hold an expectation that you transcend these melancholy confines in a swift enough fashion that you don’t leave them feeling uncomfortable. Yet, grief is unfortunately something every adult will likely experience at some point. Another scandalous topic is that of suicide, despite it sadly becoming an increasingly more and more common way of dying. Then there is the matter of suicide survivors – the one’s who must continue their life with a chasm formed by the absence and loss. Grief with the awareness that someone chose to die is something very staggering.

One of the things that I find most difficult when talking about mental health is that I am in part supporting a system that I do not have faith in. You can tell people that help is out there, but when it comes down to it, the mental health care system in Australia is wildly ineffective (globally, I daresay, and infinitely worse in many locations; however my experience is significantly with Australia so I’ll refrain from speaking too broadly). Worse, it can be even more detrimental than the ills that plague the human mind.

It is hard trying to get help when you need it. It is harder getting the right help. It is a battle. It is a challenge and sometimes it feels like the world is working against you. That's probably because it is, albeit not always intentionally. This is what happened to my brother, to my family, to me.

I should note that he was a very private person, with a strong distaste for the narcissistic realms of social media. I wholeheartedly acknowledge that I am possibly doing something so deeply against his wishes by speaking openly about him and the situation, but to be blunt, he lost the privilege of secrecy. Others too, may not agree with how I elect to narrate this, but from my perspective, you can’t grow awareness and fuel prevention without the discourse.

I understand that this is in part a unique occurrence that I will expand on, but because of this experience I was exposed to a great deal more stories of a similar nature where the health care system let people down. However, this isn’t an ‘all hope is lost’ memoir. To the contrary.

I have…had an older brother. His name was Brandon. He took his life at the age that I am while writing this - 29. Brandon saw mental health specialists. He did try to get better, although arguably not nearly hard enough. In fact, when I cleared out his room after his passing, I dug through the referrals and prescriptions. There was a blister pack of antidepressants. Without the other appropriate tools to recover, or at least to find a semblance of stability, anti-depressants can only do so much. By this point he had very evidently given up on these little dosages of ‘here-this-will-help-but-may-also-increase-your-risk-of-suicidal-ideation.’ Only one pill was missing. The anti-depressant was not in his toxicology report, although the post-mortem showed many, many other drugs. In clearing his room, I later read his journaling scrawls that he had found drugs that numbed his pain more effectively than anti-depressants. Some of these are ones that Brandon got hooked on due to an overzealous general practitioner. And then another general practitioner. His addiction began with prescription opioids and graduated with drugs acquired from the dark web including heroin and fentanyl, amongst other things. My family and I only found out about this after his passing. 

TOXICOLOGY:

Codeine (free)

Codeine-6-glucuronide

Diazepam

Fentanyl

Mirtazapine

Morphine (free)

Morphine-3-glucuronide

Morphine-6-glucuronide

Nordiazepam

Oxazepam

Paracetamol

Pholcodine

Quetiapine

Temazepam

Tramadol

This part isn't altogether unique. We take suppressants to deal with pain…to deal with life. A hard day at work - have a drink. Can't sleep - have a vali. Can't survive the never-ending and all-encompassing pain - take it all.

The opioid problem in the US is significant and garners a fair amount of attention. It exists here in Australia, too. That is why legislation came into effect to further regulate practitioners from prescribing them. This took place about a year after Brandon’s death. This blanket restriction isn’t an entirely curative solution. There are those that genuinely need these medications for chronic pain who now must jump through hoops to get their treatment. There are those who still have the wherewithal to find a source, even if through illegal means (queue Brandon). This form of paternalistic legislation does not solve the problem at its root – why there is a mental health epidemic; where is society failing that the individual solution appears to be a sturdy dose of numbing or a leap of faith into the dark abyss. Opioids work in a manner of escalation. A dosage that was once satisfying does less and less. So, you need more and more. Price can also become a factor, so you salvage heavier shit for a lower cost.

Brandon wound up in hospital only a few days prior to taking his life. He had collapsed in my father’s kitchen. My dad thought he was losing him right then and there. An ambulance came and he was rushed to hospital. He had 'accidentally' taken too much tramadol. During this incident, the ambulance respondents commented in front of my younger brother on the visible track marks on Brandon's arms. Brandon was released from hospital the following day. Simple as that. My father didn't know that the foreboding premonition of losing Brandon would be the stark reality a few short days later as he tried to perform CPR on his eldest son.

The ambulance workers that saw Brandon's track marks would not have consciously made the choice to neglect a person who clearly needed help. But somehow, he fell through the cracks of a less than fastidious system. In some ways, learning about Brandon's history with prescription drugs was more difficult than his actual suicide. Learning how he had been failed was, and is, harder to come to terms with than the fact that he recognised he had been let down. The thing that came as a shock to Brandon's friends (and subsequently me) was that he did not die of an overdose. He did not take his life in that way. That is something I have battled with. He made a very different sort of deliberate effort in how he left us which I may never understand. That’s suicide though – you often don’t understand and are left wondering so many things.

We won't ever know if the tramadol overdose was intentional or not, but it was explained to me by my older brother as an 'oopsy-daisy' in an email. I was overseas at that time. Ironically, I took one tramadol tablet for my flight back and found the experience horrible and was sluggish for days after. The same day that I had recovered from my singular adventure with tramadol my brother made that irreversible choice.

I was at the pub with friends when Brandon made that fateful choice to dive into that dark void. I had missed calls on my phone from my mother. I called back and didn’t receive an answer. I later found out my younger brother and mother were debating just driving straight to me in order to not have to tell me over the phone. It was my younger brother's birthday that day and I had presumed they were contacting about that. I texted back that I was currently out and tried calling again. ‘Brandon hung himself’, my mum said. I dropped to my knees on the outskirts of the bar and wailed, ‘no’. In a daze I went back to my friends, grabbed my bag mumbling that my brother had killed himself. A friend walked me home. My mother and brother arrived some period of time after. I still don't understand how my mother was capable of driving. She drove us to my dad's house where the suicide had occurred. We weren't permitted near that section of the house and the police referred to it as a 'crime scene'. We sat outside the house as a family, coming in and out of tears and shock.

At one point I had to go to the bathroom and went up around the other side of the house – the side that wasn’t deemed part of the crime scene. Through the glass I saw my brother lying on the cold stone floor with a neck brace on and a sheet pulled midway up his chest. I went to the bathroom and vomited. I stared at my face with mascara smeared everywhere and recognised that while I looked so distraught, that was possibly the most peaceful I'd seen my brother in a long, long time. I took some breaths and went back to my family. I have never really been able to leave my family since that point. I will have panic attacks if I can't reach one of them, thinking that something bad has happened. That is part of the PTSD of losing a loved one in a shocking way.

On my family's healing journey, we attended suicide survivor groups. At these I heard other tales of the health care system having failed them and/or their loved ones. One that stuck with me the most was a suicide in the middle of a hospital ward while under 24/7 suicide watch. On my personal healing journey, I've had several problematic run-ins with the health care system. To name a few:

I had a psychologist tell me that Brandon's choice to take his life in the family home was a sign that he blamed the family. Guilt is such a huge thing that follows a suicide. Psych 101 is alleviating that form of mental anguish for suicide survivors. That mental health practitioner failed at the first hurdle. Despite me having the knowledge that you cannot blame yourself, having someone - who is meant to understand the human mind, with all the complexities of grief and guilt – tell you that you are blamed is a pretty heavy cross to bear. I had found Brandon's parting note. It was on stained paper, written a long while ago. On it he said that he was sorry, but the pain was too much. A psychologist I had sat in a room with for all of 15 minutes told me that he blamed us. A sister riddled with guilt that she didn't save her brother. Brandon said a lot of things, but Brandon did not outright blame us. Still, in most ways, he did not say enough.

Sitting in anger about Brandon's introduction to prescription opioids, I had a different psychologist tell me that I shouldn't make noise because it would cause me more distress, that people can't change and the system won't change so it's best I change my view on things. That was her response to most things. No inclination to think that holding someone accountable for some of Brandon's struggles would have offered me enormous relief. One of his original GPs died two weeks prior to writing this. I honestly felt a sense of liberation but also a sense of loss, primarily because I never got to lambast them. Only last week did I learn that the best avenue would have been to make a complaint via the Health Care Complaints Commission so that this GP would not make the same grave errors. That would have potentially changed a person and a segment of the system, as well as maybe saving others from addiction. But in a system where health care providers would prefer you don't 'rock the boat' it's better you just sit quietly in your grief.

I have struggled with this loss. I wasn't close with Brandon anymore. We had a dysfunctional relationship and I had honestly largely tried ridding my life of him. Subsequently, as mentioned, I felt overwhelmed with guilt. I myself turned to ways to numb this feeling. I drank too much and partied more. I made reckless choices, acted rashly, behaved erratically. A psychiatrist put me onto medication to help me deal with these stages of grief. This is now a medication that I have been unable to get off because of the withdrawal side-effects. The mental health industry prefers a quick-fix solution such as medication. It appears as though they are making effective progress. Brandon's pain was 'effectively' dulled by opioids. My grief was 'effectively' subdued with medication rather than giving me the tools to process the grief and miss my brother in whatever way I needed to. I’ve learned the hard way, but the greatest remedy for some of the most common forms of mental illness doesn’t come in the form of a pill. It is habitually changing the way you think, how you perceive yourself, how you see the world. There are tools and techniques you can learn to make these changes, and these are not measured in milligrams or dosage frequencies. They do not have side effects. Tell a depressed person that one of the potential side effects of their anti-depressant is to experience depression and see how much hope you give that down-trodden soul.

Grief is a peculiar thing. It can come in waves. It can come in so many ways. But something I can definitively say is that you can be stronger than the grief and you can be strong enough to survive, whether the system lapses or not. I am testimony to that.

To mental health generally, in the end, only you can make the best decisions for yourself. That choice is yours. Yes, addiction can make that a whole lot harder, and the crutch can create a cyclic pattern in a self-fulfilling prophecy of defeat. A lot of external factors can impact your choices and make it more challenging to make the right decisions. But you’ve been through harder things. To climb out of those dark places is entirely within you. Sometimes you don’t have great footing to help get you out, be it the health care system, employment strife, financial burden, or friends letting you down. But it doesn’t mean that the required strength isn’t still inside of you. YOU have that strength. YOU have all that within you. You need to see that power in all its glory and grace, and you will see that your situation can, and will change. The first step to that change is what you decide to do.

Yes, I am placing blame on the shoulders of some others besides Brandon, while in a contradictory fashion saying you make your own choices. That’s another thing about grief – you want to assign blame somewhere. So, for clarity, Brandon made his choice and might have made it irrespective of the system. But our broken system sure as hell got him there prematurely, not even seeing 30.

I have shared this because I absolutely know that it is hard. That it is not always easy to get help. That the system is fucked. But that is not enough reason to give up. I sit here in my anger and sadness that the system let both my brother and me down countless times. But it is still not enough reason to give up. You can always be stronger and will get back up. Each. And. Every. Fucking. Time. Some people have said to me that it’s impossible to get better, that they can’t be fixed, that they can’t find help that works. There are many different ways of getting help, and if the ‘traditional’ mechanisms of speaking to a shrink doesn’t float your boat then it doesn’t mean all hope is lost. On the contrary – you’ve found one approach that doesn’t aid you and the process of elimination on your mental health journey should be valued. Knowing what doesn’t help can sincerely lead you to learning what does help.

I have also shared this because this is just a small portion of what losing someone to suicide does. This is the honest truth of what grief looks like. I recognise and admit that I have struggled so much with it. As I said, Brandon and I weren’t even close anymore. This is the pain that I feel from losing a dysfunctional sibling relationship. Do not think that you won’t leave people in agonising pain, no matter your relationship with them.

A further reason why I’ve written this is what I alluded to at the start – these are topics that people don’t like to talk about or hear about. But this is reality. These conversations are fucking triggering and upsetting. Hell, it’s taken a god damn lot of strength for me to write this. However, the more we elect to not talk about what’s wrong with the world, these social maladies will continue under the cloak of secrecy, the guise of accepting the status quo, and within the nonchalant notion that we can’t change things.

The final reason for why I’ve shared this is for my own personal growth and to voice some anger and dissatisfaction. I am so tired of the way the world operates. The abuse of power. The legitimisation of harmful actions in the name of greed. You don’t need to spend $490 (not an exaggeration, this is an actual amount) for 45 minutes at a psychiatrist’ office to ‘get better’. Being told that costly drugs are your only cure isn’t the singular answer. Not banking your hope for a tranquil mind on external sources should be a part of psych 101. It’s a hard fucking slog, and I get to say this from my ivory tower of white privilege. Likewise, my older brother won’t fit the stereotyped bullshit of a lowly sort destined for failure who succumbed to addiction. He wasn’t deprived of finances and destitute; he was extremely intelligent and had potential beyond belief. The ineptitude of the mental health system might fail us privileged ones, but the collateral damage is far greater than just us. Quite often those who are struggling the most do not have the financial stability to even contemplate these forms of ‘solutions’. It is a mental health system supported by greed and the foundations of neoliberalism. If we are forced to adhere to this approach – that the onus is always on the individual to better their personal situation – then use this to your advantage. Say fuck the system, I’ve got this with or without you. I am a strong human and I will carry myself through.

There are some ugly things being put on full display because of Covid19. But there are also some good things that you can't lose sight of. We might feel alone, either physically or mentally, but I promise you that you are not. Please get in touch if you need to talk and I will be there. Sometimes even a stranger can extend a kindness to you that you so desperately needed. This is a huge part of why I always say to be there for the people in your life. There is something so significant that loved ones can provide. Although, this is just the icing on the cake of what a gift your life is. You don’t need this affirmation and support from others because you’ve bloody well got this on your own. Albeit, it sure does help having someone care, so don’t forget that part when you’re given the opportunity to be kind to someone else. We are all part of a thriving organism called society that breathes and glistens on the basis of human connection and the human experience. It reaffirms that we are not alone. You are not alone, even when you feel as though you are.

That voice calling for calm or a cessation to the pain isn’t asking for the dark abyss; it’s asking you to stand up and fight the battle worth fighting. Your life is worth fighting for, even against an invisible enemy.

[blogforbucky]

Hay, stop scrolling for a moment please.

This one goes out to all the people considering suicide. All the rejected, all the tormented, all the bullied and the beaten and the battered. To those who feel they are alone. Who feel like there's nobody who loves them.

You are beautiful, You are handsome, You are worthy, You are loved. And i know this is the point you roll your eyes. Say "Yah sure, whatever" the same way you do every time someone online tells you to "love yourself ^//u//^". How do I know you do that? Cause i do it too. And so did my friend Bucky. So please, tell me your still reading. Cause i wanna tell you about Bucky.

He was a wonderful person. The kind of person that could fix anything with a smile. The kind of person everybody wanted to be close to. But Bucky never knew that about himself. Bucky was extreamly depressed. He scrolled past those "self care" posts with the pink heart background just like you do. He was awake at 3 am looking for a distraction from thinking about all the things he'd done wrong just like you do. He struggled to find himself. Struggled to be himself. Just like you do.

When Bucky died, none of us saw it comming. None of us saw the warning signs. Even those of us who have been suicidal before or have seen others commit it didn't see it comming with him. The signs were there...we just missed it. When he posted "Ravioli Ravioli roster in the bathioli" we laughed. We didn't know the pain behind that joke.

But when he passed so many people were there for him. So many wonderful people. The family had only thought 40 or so people would show up at the funeral. But his friends, his family, all the peopeope he had touched came out and there were more than a hundred of us all sharing how much we loved him. The church was so full his best friend ended up standing along the back wall. That's how many people cared about him.

But when he died, he didn't know that. When he died he thought he was alone in a world that had forsaken him. That's what you think now, isn't it? How dark the world is when your compleatly alone... How dark his world was that day.... it's the same darkness your feeling.

But that darkness lies. That darkness told Bucky that nobody would notice if he was gone. But it lied to him. More than a hundrid people grieve for him.

That darkness lied to him. And it lied to you too. There are so many people who love you. There are so many people who want you here. Even if they don't know to voice it right now. They do love you.

Don't listen to the darkness. What it said is not true. You are beautiful, you are handsome, you are worthy, you do belong, you are loved.

If your looking for a sign tonight let this be it. Let my friend Bucky be your reason to stay another couple of days. Let this be the post that makes you reach out to the friends and family who will miss you dearly when your gone. Let this be the reason you get the help you need. Please, if your considering suicide, call 1 800-273-8255 . Or, call your family or friends, or lovers, or...anyone. because they'll tell you the same thing I would have told Bucky if i got the chance. Those " ^u^ self love" posts are right. You do belong here. You'll be okay. You are beautiful, you are handsome, you do bring joy, you are wanted, you are worthy, and most of all, you are loved.

[lovepeacenslander]

#MentalHealth: 4 out of 10 Jamaicans Have Experienced Mental Instability, Suicide Hotline to be Created

#MentalHealth: 4 out of 10 Jamaicans Have Experienced Mental Instability, Suicide Hotline to be Created

An effective and better-managed suicide hotline, 1-888-NEW-LIFE, is on its way for Jamaicans with suicidal thoughts, Minister of Health Christopher Tufton has said.

Tufton made the announcement yesterday at the World Suicide Prevention Day Seminar at the Jamaica Conference Centre in Kingston. The issue of suicide hotlines being out of service has been debated widely since the Sunday Gleaner revea…

[cobwebsandcaffeine]

We live in a society wherein judging one another has become a norm and then we wonder why so many of us end up killing ourselves. WE LEAVE EACH OTHER NO CHOICE. We give so much of our energy spewing hate, so how about we radiate even a little hope, a little compassion? The world is already cruel enough, let us not make it more easier for one another to give in. There are battles we don't know of that people are fighting and losing against everyday. Can we not add to their struggle anymore? Be a reason for someone to keep fighting. Be a reason for someone to think twice. Be someone's reason. Suicide is horrible and we are ashamed to talk about it but its stigma doesn't and will never make it any less real. LET US MAKE IT HARDER FOR ONE ANOTHER TO LEAVE. — semicolon

[shadow-night]

There are people who care

Crisis/ Suicide prevention hotlines/chats by country

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/?lang=en

https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

If you or a fried/ family member/ acaintance are ever in need of someone to listen know that there are people willing to listen. Asking for help might feel scary or embaressing, but it is a very brave and smart thing to do. If you ask for help you will make someone’s day. If you feel someone does not take you serious, do not think everyone will be like that.

Here are some websites and phone numbers you can call or text, listed by country. If you are afraid of calling you can send mails or chat. You do not have to talk on the phone if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Most of these numbers should be available 24/7. If you cannot reach one of these numbers you can also call emergency services in your country and they can redirect you. There is help worlwide you can contact.

It might also be worth to reach out to online friends.

Some more websites/ information

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

https://www.imalive.org/

PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

DON’T GIVE UP!

[thadawnn]

⚠️⚠️⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⚠️⚠️ 

My name is Donyah and I am not ok, but that is ok.

On November 22, 2019, I was ”voluntarily” admitted to a mental facility for an attempt on my life. I regret nothing. During my stay, it was basically “fake it to make it” in order to get out in the 3 day period. My first day I had a horrible crying spell. I cried the entire day whenever I wasn't sleeping and it was literally about NOTHING. I wasn't scared because I was in a mental facility. I wasn't scared that I'd lose my job. I wasn’t scared about being put out of school. The only thing I feared was that maybe this isn't my rock bottom still. Each day they asked us about 3 times a day if we felt like harming ourselves or others. I wanted to scream yes every time but the only way out was to lie. My peaceful day turned to frustration the more I didn't have info on when I was being discharged. My frustration turned to anger. During this time I had for what seemed like the first time family in my corner and two of my closest friends. My stay wasn't at all bad I actually quite enjoyed it after all the tears and frustration. Reflection time was my time. What's my plan when I get out, what do I think are my triggers, who can I turn to? A lot of these questions were unanswered or still remain unanswered. I've noticed being more transparent in my emotions releases so much bullshit that I feel like this journey to self-realization and awareness could be beneficial to others. 

My name is Donyah, I think about death almost every day, I'm not ok. But that's ok cause one day I will be.

[boldlyscentedarbiter]

The National for February 5, 2019 — Derailment Investigation, Trump's SOTU, Kenney Interview

being suicidal during childhood is much more common than most people realize... it's very upsetting to reflect on

[solidaritystories]

I'm safe. I don't have a plan.

I also don't want to exist anymore.

The pain of the world, this life, this year–it's all just too much.

- Human, 37 y/o

[stewyhosseini-bf]

okay YEAH. All of this.

Kendall truly, in his mind, does see it as a choice which. I mean. The idea of 'I can quit whenever I want' and so on, that's not necessarily specific to him. But there's something else there, too, that you mentioned at the end. That he says he's 'interested in becoming a meth-head', that his family shows him attention, whether positive or negative, when he starts using drugs again. But also how in Austerlitz, he says 'I'm off my nut ... your dreams have come true' to Logan. Or I even have to think of that scene in This Is Not For Tears when Roman compliments him for doing good in front of Congress, and Kendall's answer to that. (he wants, chooses to take on this role). And of course the falling off his floatie thing, blaming the whole thing on having taken something/having been drunk and acting like it had nothing to do with what was going on outside of that. It's like. If he chooses the weakness (taking drugs) he's not actually weak. Because he's actively choosing it, because he could stop anytime. So when he takes drugs and then 'falls off his floatie', that doesn't have to mean anything in his mind, because taking drugs and being weak was a choice, and the rest just an unfortunate, meaningless consequence of that.

But also when he's weak, he can allow himself to be cared for, to an extent. He can even ask for help, or at least admit he's hurting. In Austerlitz he feels betrayed by his family, which is when he starts using again. He not only wants to feel better, but he wants to make bad choices, and maybe for them to see how hurt he is, because he has no other way of voicing that or reaching out. In Prague it's the same thing with Stewy. He 'chooses' to be weak (as a direct consequence of feeling betrayed and hurt and sad. and already feeling powerless and weak after the failed coup, and he spins it in a way where he's yeah. not weak but in his mind choosing to be weak, and thereby it's okay or he doesn't feel as powerless)

It's of course also significant that, after a while, it becomes apparent, that it's (no longer) a choice: In 1x9 already but of course most apparently/significantly in 1x10 where he almost begs Stewy for a straightener and goes to the lenghts he goes to to find what he needs. The irony that it's during this scene, where him having succumbed to the addiction leads him where it has (into a car with a stranger leaving his sister's wedding to get drugs) that he says addiction is a choice he makes when he wants to feel weak, and that he's not addicted anymore, is. well.

Idk. feel like i'm talking in circles but.. lots of interesting thoughts!

I needed to feel weak. what the fuck, btw

[archerofchaos]

So I've been seeing an increase of Aro and Ace -spec exclusionists again. Maybe it's just bad luck on my part. However I would like to add some perspective to the worn out arguments they keep trying to use. Probably will be multiple parts.

1) I'll start of with everyone's favorite : "Aces and Aros are just cishets wanting to seem oppressed"

I don't often see cis het A-specs (who are valid, but I'll get back to that). Aspec terminology isn't the most widespread thing in the world. To find these labels mean you have done some soul searching, and quite a bit of research on the queer community. There are a plethora of homoromantic asexuals/aromantic homosexuals/ m-spec a-specs/ a-specs under the trans umbrella. To say A-specs are cishets wanting to be special is to ignore a variety of identities to further your dislike of a-spec identities.

Cis(gender) het(erosexual) implies that a person is attracted sexually to the opposite gender. Heteroromantic aces are not sexually attracted to their partners. Aromantic heterosexuals are attracted sexually to the opposite sex but not romantically. However this is not them wanting to be "special".

A-specs don't fall into Society's "normal". Generally speaking society expects you to be settle down, have kids, get married. Otherwise you are abnormal, broken, cold-hearted, unhuman. These labels are meant to be away to understand ourselves, find comfort, create community. Just like any other identity that the queer community has came up with.

We face similar oppression and have similar issues as the rest of the community. Corrective rape is a real fear, just like with mlm & wlw. Asexual youth have similar,albeit slightly lower, suicide atempt rates as other queer identifying youth, with higher anxiety and depression rates. (Stats from the Trevor project linked below along with an interesting article from GALOP). We aren't safe from the medical and psychological fields trying to "cure" us.

Honestly, just because part of the community refuses to acknowledge that aspec identities are queer does not mean that CisHetAllos are going to see us as anything but queer and treat us accordingly. If they would have hate crimed the next queer person that came along, I doubt they are going to think "never mind some cranky lesbian (it's not just lesbians but you get the point) on the internet says that asexuality doesn't exist I'll have to wait for the next queer to beat up on."

[imnotasuperhero]

I would lie and say you’re not in my mind.

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Stark!Reader

Type: Angst.

Summary: Reader finds herself alone, with no explanation as to where Wanda went. And life without her was a true nightmare she could only scape with not-so-nice coping mechanisms.

Wordcount: 2644

Warnings: Drug abuse, one suicidal thought and depression.

A/N: This is my submission for @jbbarnesnnoble writing challenge! I’m so sorry for the delay. Life and work got in the middle, leaving me drained to get some actual writing done. You can search this and other works with the tag #JBBNNMHAMChallenge which deals with different types of mental healt, as to raise awarenes about it.

A/N 2: Since it’s inspired in real events, I decided to twist this and give it a happy ending. People need to know there is hope. No matter how hard life becomes, you’ve got this and you shouldn’t suffer alone. Fight your fear and seek for help. I promise, life is worth living.

A huge than you to @marvelfansince08love for enduring her patience with my rants and mini meltdown about this monster. I could never thank you enough for puting up with my dumb ass, boo. I owe you a lot! <3

If you guys want more, I might have a plot for some kind of spin-off for this story. Just let me know. Also, criticism is welcomed.

"Miss Stark," one of the executives called your attention. "Your nose is bleeding."

Automatically, your fingers found your nose and yup, it was happening. Fucking hell.

Excusing yourself, you left the conference room with rapid steps to the closest bathroom, dismissing whoever you crossed on your way. You weren't new to this, after all.

Once you got the bleeding under control, you inspected yourself in the mirror. The reflection staring back at you was nothing like your old self. The circles under the eyes needed much more concealing and your smiles were forced. But at least you picked a black blouse today, which it'll do until you got a chance to go back home and change.

"Are you sure you don't want to go home?" Julia asked sheepishly.

"No. I'm capable of handling the rest of the day," you mumbled as you finished the last touches to your make-up.

"Mr. Stark could find-"

"Mr. Stark will find out shit," you cut your assistant. "This is just a sneeze that caused a vein to pop. Understood?" You could see how the woman in front of you shivered slightly and you almost laugh at it. You've become so pity.

"Y-yes, Miss. Is there anything else I can do?"

"No." You inspected yourself in the mirror once again before walking out. "Go over the rest of my day and make sure you send the informs to Stewart."

Fortunately, the day progressed smoothly with very few bumps. And none of them were about you, so you took it as a victory.

Kicking your high heels after closing the door behind you, you started to strip while walking towards the bathroom. The weekend was finally here, which meant you could wind out and enjoy your own company. After the latest events on Beto's, you made sure to lay low for a while. You didn't need another clingy bitch hanging from you all the time. You were just a gal wanting to have some release. Nothing more, nothing less.

In the middle of your calming bath, the sharp razor you kept for emergencies caught your eyes. 'God, it'd be so easy.' You thought to yourself. Just a little line in the right place would do it. The consuming pain would disappear and you'd be free. Hell, maybe you'd find her again in the afterlife.

Before you could continue the line of thoughts, your phone rang with your dad's personalized ringtone. Something you made sure of for when you were doing not-so-nice activities.

"Hey, dad." You absentmindedly sank deeper in the tub. The bubbly water covering up to under your jaw.

"Hi, Peanut." Tony's voice soothed your damaged soul the littlest bit. "It's been a while. How are you?"

"I'm fine," you answered nonchalantly. Lying has become second nature by now. "Living the life. How are you guys?"

"That's what I called you about. Pepper and I want you to come to spend the weekend here. We barely see you outside work so we thought it'd be nice to take advantage of the long weekend. Pleeeeaaase? With a cherry on top?" He finished in a child's voice and you felt your heart squeeze itself.

Truth was, you were tired of lying all the time. You were tired of faking and saying you were okay when you weren't.

"Okay," you sighed. 

"Yay!" Yup, he was a child. "We'll get your room ready. We'll have your favorite."

You didn't know the exact moment you started crying, your dad going a mile a minute talking about his latest invention and how he'd love for you to help him figure out the last touches.

Hanging up, you finally let out the awaiting sobs. Memories of an easier -and happier- time plaguing your mind, making it harder and harder to breathe. Life without her sucked balls.

After drying yourself and throwing on a fresh pair of pajamas, you quickly fixed your bag for the weekend, knowing fully well you'll wake up with just the right spare time before you had to leave for your dad's.

The next morning, you woke up before your alarm went off, which would be fine if it weren't for Wanda appearing in your dreams. Promises of a better life and reaching milestones together, fanning the painful fire in your heart.

Walking to your stash, you retrieved the white powder, forming three consecutive lines on your nightstand. A small straw between your fingers ready to be used. You wouldn't be able to consume when you were at your dad's, so you better took your chance before it was too late. Odin knew you needed the boost.

Stopping at a random café a few blocks from your home, you quickly got yourself a black coffee and a muffin before hitting the pedal once again, changing the playlist to something more upbeat. 

Soon enough, your mind drifted to the impromptu road trips you'd do with Wanda. Sometimes even a week-long trip. Just the two of you apart from the chaos of your lives. 

Out on the road, it was only laughs, music, and fast food with the occasional make-out sessions. God, if you could, you'd live in the past forever. 

Stepping out of your car, you couldn't help the smile that broke your face. Working in the same place as your dad didn't mean you've got to see him every day. And being honest, you were happy he offered you scape from her curse.

"Hi, dad." You answered once you reached him, returning his hug. And boy, didn't you felt safe in those strong arms. They never failed to soothe you.

After what seemed like hours of walking around your dad's property, you and Pepper came back to the house ready for a refreshing iced tea. But any trace of a nice calming bath dissipated away when you say your dad standing in the middle of the living room, his face stoic.

"What's this?" The quietness of his voice freezing your blood.

"I'm waiting, Y/N." 

You cringed at your dad's voice. The disappointment showing in his eyes made you regret not checking before you grabbed a random bag for this trip.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me this is not what I think it is," he begged, showing you and Pepper the almost empty baggy between his fingers. And you ignored him. He already knew the truth, after all. "Say it," he growled.

"So the bleeding nose-"

"Screw you," you muttered, cutting Pepper mid-sentence.

"Hey! That's no way to talk to her,"

"You know what?" You walked to your dad, looking up to his eyes. "Yes, I'm an addict. Good job, Sherlock. Now you can get rid of me as you did with my mom. After all, you never wanted me in the first place, so why should it matter." You snapped with burning tears in your eyes. "There's no need to keep faking it anymore." You walked away, leaving them mouth agape, trying to process your words.

Plopping down on your bed, you couldn't help the feeling of failure igniting inside you. The tears in your eyes burning your eyes as they appeared, flowing down your cheeks as the sadness and emptiness became just too much to handle.

You didn't remember when was the last time you were genuinely happy. And it sucked that it depended on someone. It sucked and you despised it more than anything. But then again, Wanda was everything you'd need to live in this world. Always positive, with a smile so bright that could light up the darkest room. Her eyes? God, you loved losing yourself in those green orbs of hers in the afterglow. And now you had to live without all these little things that made you happy. All the little moments of joy were gone, tuning you into this sack of bones and flesh, with no expectations for life.

It wasn't till much later that night that you left your room, after ignoring your dad's callings.

Padding your way to the bar, you served yourself a whiskey. The burning on your troat a welcomed feeling. Your mind going back to her, as it was the normalcy since she dusted away, leaving you with thousands of questions and a hole in your heart that you knew well you could never fill again. How could you, when you knew she was it? how could you even try to patch it up, when you knew there was no one else like her?

One whiskey turned into 5 and you didn't know when you started to cry, considering you thought there were no tears left after all these years. But the strong hand on your shoulder made you snap from your pity party, hurriedly drying your tears. Crying was for the weak, and boy were you weak.

"I'm sorry," you drowned the last of your drink before looking up, mustering the best stoic face you could.

"You don't need to fake around me, Peanut. We're family," your dad poured you another drink as he got one himself. 

"Look, what happened with your mother has nothing to do with you." He continued once he sat beside you. "And I would never leave you alone, Y/N. No matter how many headaches you give me." He joked but composed himself when you didn't react to it. "I- Pepper is pregnant. And we really want you in the baby's life. But.. Look, if there was a way to bring her back, I would. In a heartbeat. But Y/N, you have to understand, she wouldn't like this version of you. If not for yourself, do it for us,"

You wanted to speak, you wanted to answer him. But the lump in your throat was too big to swallow and the knife in your heart twisted when you saw your dad's eyes tearing up. And fuck did it hurt. To see him cry -for the first time- pained you like hell. And knowing you were the cause of those tears made you feel like you were the worst person alive. 

"I-," you paused to gather your bearings, but your dad beat you to it.

"I know, Peanut," his arms surrounded you in that way that only him could.

"I promise you," he continued once you broke away. "One day, it will get easier. Those feelings will never fully go away, but it will get easier." He dried your tear-stained cheeks softly. "You are not alone. And she'll always be with you,"

 And despite the grief eating you from the inside, you knew you had to live. For them. For her.

The next few months had been a true rollercoaster. You didn't know the abstinence would affect you so badly. And while others would have it much worse, you couldn't help the change of moods and the few tears you caused to those around you. Not to mention, the significant drop in your moods. But you also knew better. You've kept your word, and you hadn't touched it again. 

Under Natasha's supervision, you got rid of every secret stash you had at both, your apartment and your office, and you deleted the number of your dealer. And even if sometimes it seemed like hell would manifest itself as Nat was your watcher, you couldn't be more glad because, admittedly, the woman had balls and she did knew how to bribe you, to the point that you'd even quit drinking even if it was more of a social addiction, in your case. That, mixed with Natasha's friendship and support -as well as those around you- and the birth of Morgan, your little sister had you believing once more, even if you knew you'd never get to be the same person you once were. 

The little bundle of joy had come to this world with a few rays of sunshine for you, finally opening your eyes and making you realize that there was hope. Even if you never saw her again, life was worth living and you'd live it for her at your best capacity. 

So when Pepper asked you to babysit Morgan for a few days, considering she couldn't bring a 2 months old baby with her, you accepted in a heartbeat.

But as you were awoken by a fussing Morgan, after an eventful night in which you barely slept, you realized this might've not been your brightest idea.

Inhaling deeply, you got up and walked to her room, picking her up from her crib and rocking her as you made your way to the kitchen. Babies were a fucking clock. Which only served to add to your decision of never having kids. 

If you were on the verge of tears most of the time, wishing deeply for her parents to come back so you could have time for yourself, you knew you'd be mental if you had to live through this for the rest of your life.

Your ears catching the front door opening made you stop mid singing, turning around as you walked to the hushed words as you feed a calmed down Morgan just to stop dead in your tracks when you saw her. The only reason you stood still, was the baby in your arms. 

Your eyes scanned the room, looking for a sign that this was just a dream. That the image of your girlfriend was just a projection of your mind, like so many other times before during these 5 years since she disappeared from your arms. But the silence surrounding you all and 8 pairs of eyes inspecting you made you realize that this wasn't a dream.

The cries of Morgan took you all from your reverie and soon, Pepper was by your side, taking the baby from your arms before kissing the top of your head, something she always did whenever you felt unsettled.

"Peanut-"

"Is she real?" You questioned as you scrutinized a fidgety Wanda, who stood by the door, ready to run away if needed.

Natasha could sense your turmoil growing with every single second that passed and soon enough you felt a strong pair of arms supporting you, ready to catch you if you fell.

"She's here, Maliska. We brought her back," she spoke quietly, making sure you understood her words.

The wild thoughts on your mind got you walking towards her. The need to touch her and prove yourself that she was back, got your fingers itching. You could feel the blood running in your ears and you shaking steps as you got closer to who you thought was gone forever, leaving you empty and moving through life like a zombie.

The choke that broke through you when your hand cupped her cheek got you smiling as tears rolled down with every erratic thump of your heart.

"You're here," you whispered, afraid of breaking the spell you've found yourself into. 

But you couldn't stay in that thought for long because an intimately familiar pair of arms surrounded you as Wanda threw yourself at you, hiding her face on the crook of your neck.

Feeling her hot breath against your skin was all you needed to finally give in and hold her with all you had, knowing that she was here; with you.

You didn't know how long you both stood there, holding each other and basking in the calmness that surrounded you. All your previous tormenting thoughts dissipated in that exact moment. Wanda was back and you found the hole in your heart start to fill itself.

"Hi, Printsessa," Wanda murmured against your neck, kissing her way up to your jaw, peppering your face with kisses before she finally kissed your lips. And boy, did your knees trembled.

After 5 long years, the lips you've got used to kissing whenever you pleased were once against yours, igniting all the love and hope and good things you got to feel once upon a time.

You can find the continuation, here (:

Taglist: @summergeezburr @wannabe-fic-reader @natasha-danvers @jumbojamba47 @rooskaya-yelena @sananabdliw @aaron-despair @username23345 @nate-the-dreamer @higherfurther-romanova

[rufamapo]

This is the manhwa version. This doesnt belong to me. I just saw it on mangadex comments. These are huge spoilers guys. BE CAREFUL

JULY FOUND BY CHANCE ENDING SPOILER

SQUID FAIRY:

Continuing from Chapter 22, Squid Fairy and the lady will continue to spend time together and eventually fall in love. However, a princess, the character who is squid fairy's love interest, will appear. He will then spend more and more time with the princess, and less with the lady. Of course, this is against his will, but since its a set role in heads, he can't do as he pleases. The lady will in turn start to get jealous and doubt squid's feelings. She will tell him to stop meeting and interacting with the princess, but of course Squid can't do that even if he wants to because of his role. Then squid and lady will start to grow apart. Then one day, in a fighting scene in tails, squid slashes an assassin, but it turns out this assassin is the lady. While holding her in his arms, the lady dies. Then in the next scene, the lady is seen alive, but can't seem to remember squid.

And that is how squid found out that characters who dies in tails loses their self awareness. That is also why he keeps insisting that nothing will change even if they try.

Squid Also tells Danoh during their conversation that after the comic they're in ends, they'll end up in a dark world, where they'll remain until they are pulled out into another comic again.

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BAEKYUNG:

Wonder why Baekyung is super rude af to Danoh? Well that's because Danoh is similar to Baekyung's mom, a terminally ill patient.

When he was a kid, his mom died due to illness, and during that time, he felt a great deal of pain and loneliness(his dad ain't that great of a support either). Now, not wanting to experience the same pain again, he closed off his heart towards Danoh, and used rudeness as a self defense so he won't develop any feelings for her.

Welp, but in the end, he ended up liking her even more, even in the tails where he is free from his role.

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DOHWA:

Dohwa has the heaviest secret in the entire comic, and it's not even his fault.

During their childhood years, Juda got kidnapped and tortured when her and Dohwa were out playing in the snow. Later, Dohwa found out that she only got kidnapped because the kidnapper thought she was a child of the Lee(dohwa's family) family.

In the past, Dohwa's father operated on Juda's mom, but due to an accident during the surgery, her mother died. Not wanting to accept responsibility, Dohwa's father hid this fact, and made another doctor take blame for the medical malpractice.

Remember in the earlier chapters, Juda's grandmother's death? Welp she was murdered by none other than Dohwa's Dad. Suspicious of her daugther's(Juda's mom) death, grandma investigated around and found out the truth. To silence the grandma, Dohwa's dad killed her on purpose during her surgery, but made it looked like she died in the middle of the surgery due to, uh, natural reason.

Our dear Dohwa, after finding out all these things, couldn't bear the guilt anymore, and commited suicide in tails, resulting in him losing his self awareness.

[P.S. Dohwa's brother(Danoh's doctor) was also an accomplice in Juda's grandma's death.]

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HARU:

Following from chapter 22, Haru isn't responding to Danoh when she calls him "Haruyah!" because he lost his self awareness.

How he lost it? This is why:

Danoh is supposed to get a heart surgery, but because she waited for Baekyung, who failed to show up due to a road accident, her surgery got delayed and unsuccessful. To change this, Haru took Baekyung's place and was the one who got in the accident instead, so that Baekyung can arrive on time and the surgery will be a success. This resulted in Haru getting killed, which made him lose his self awareness.

When Danoh learns of this, she will, as she did back then, make Haru remember. She will continuously look for Haru, greet him, and introduce herself every time. During this time, a very touching scene will happen. Remember that infirmary band aid scene in the previous chapters? Welp, its gonna happen again. Like before, Haru will place a band-aid on Danoh's knees and will say the same words he did as before.

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NEAR THE ENDING:

After our character's find out all about the 'killing your self awarenes" and "dark world" fiasco, soon they start making their choices one by one. Well we already know Dohwa's choice... *sobs*

As for Danoh, she chooses to keep her awareness and remember everything, her reasoning being that she's the only one that remembers everything about her and Haru(now that Haru lost his awareness), and she wants to keep these memories alive. Later on, Haru will get his self awareness back thanks to Danoh's great efforts, and he will also choose to keep his self awareness together with Danoh.

Baekyung also makes his decision, and chooses to remember and keep his awareness despite knowing that Danoh chose Haru. When he was making his decision, he was having a convo with squid fairy. I don't remember much of their conversation, but I do remember squid saying something like self awareness is a "curse they must bear(aka a price to pay for hurting the ones they love)"

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ENDING:

Remember Danoh's surgery during the road accident? Welp it still failed despite Haru's effort. And so, this time, after seeing yet another storyboard, Danoh knew it was gonna be her last.

Danoh wakes up in an ambulance, but before it takes her to the hospital, she gets out and makes a run to find Haru. However, her feet are moving against her will and are going in a different direction, which is towards Baekyung. As she and Baekyung sits on the bench with the snow falling, her last line appears, however she puts her hand on her mouth and willfully stops herself from saying her last line, saying to Baekyung "All I can do now is wait(for Haru to come)." Alas Haru comes, and they exchange their final thank yous and goodbyes, with Haru showing a happy and cheerful face to a dying Danoh. And then beeep Danoh dies. Not long after Haru is trembling and crying. Turns out he kept his compose and didn't dare to show sadness to Danoh so that her last moments of him that she'll remember is a happy one.

After Danoh died, she stayed in the dark world for awhile, then she woke up into a new comic world.

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DANOH:

Danoh is actually the main character of a work the creators made before their debut. Her character is a time traveler that can:

•time travel back and forth between past and present

•can see the future

•has the power to change the future

So that is how she was able to change and delay her death(the creators wanted her to die a long long long time ago, but for some reason, she keeps living). Also, that's why she was able to change minor things in the comic(like the curry incident, her facial expressions, etc.) despite Fairy squid saying she can't.

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EPILOGUE:

At the epilogue, the creators are seen working on two new comics. One, a modern day highschool drama and one a historical drama. The modern drama has Danoh in it while the historical one has Haru in it.

Then the creators are shown chatting, talking about how the two comics are going to be merged into one.

Then after, Danoh is shown to have time traveled to a kind of like Joseon era period, where there......

SHE MEETS HARU!!!!!

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Then at the end, it showed both of them leaning to each other side by side, while looking at the sunset.

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍