#still able to enjoy it but it sucked
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Anyways uh Fun Fact: I saw TMNT Mutant Mayhem and i??? Adored it??? It was also the first time i saw any tmnt content (barring a tmnt Shredder's Revenge gameplay i saw like 4yrs ago) so yeah i just kinda. Decided to maybe get into tmnt a bit. So i'm watching the 2012 series now
(And also maybe brainstorming ideas for my own version of the turtles... hehe oops)
Anyways if u see me start posting abt tmnt you know why
#only issue i have is that the site im using to see the series doesnt have like.the final episodes of each season#so i had to watch a shit quality version on dailymotion loln't#still able to enjoy it but it sucked#also second fun fact!!! appearent mutant mayhem just became the most viewed movie in my country rn#it'll be funny if tmnt becomes another random piece of media that wasnt created here but everyone still loves#like the simpsons. for some reason we here love the simpsons. you cant go 5 mins w/o seeing a simpsons meme#anyways#personal#tmnt#if anyone wants me to post my ramblings for my own version of the turtles??? i would 100%#tmnt 2012#tmnt mutant mayhem
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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guinevere giving her new home much-needed tender, love, & care
#MBTIL#MBTI legacy: G1#INFP gen#ts4#ts4 legacy#okie i'm actually playing the game for once ................... i'm enjoying myself but i still stop to take photos way too often lol#i'm going to queue one post per day okay? okay. kisses :***#i'm not going through my dash because i get sucked into that#one day maybe i will be able to return but i would get super obsessed with keeping up with all of your beautiful posts#so for now i'm going to try and enjoy the game. slowly lol.#hope that's okay <3333
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You’re allowed to enjoy the parts of you that can cause you to struggle btw. You’re allowed to enjoy being autistic. You’re allowed to enjoy having adhd. You’re allowed to enjoy being any type of neurodivergent, really. You’re allowed to appreciate the positive aspects of any disorders you have if there are any. You’re allowed to be happy with not being able-bodied. You’re allowed to enjoy being plural. You’re allowed to enjoy being therian/alterhuman/otherkin. You’re allowed to enjoy the things that change how you experience the world even if they may cause you to struggle. Being different and having struggles doesn’t mean you should hate your differences. These parts of your experience/identity are allowed to be fun btw.
#text post#soda rambles#Not really sure how to tag this as this covers a very wide range of things which are absolutely not all in the same category#but yeah.#I’d rather be AuDHD and fictionkin than neurotypical and “normal”#being different is fun even if it sucks sometimes#I enjoy having a unique perspective on life and I wouldn’t trade it#I WOULD appreciate being able to do things more easily though don’t get me wrong lol#but still not worth losing the good parts
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Spending the weekend with my oldest friend and his wife and they're like, "Yeah we got married last year and got a house and are going to visit Ecuador in a few months and then oops we're also pregnant and having a baby it's due next May haha 😋 so what's new with you??" and I'm just like, "uh... i uhhhhh got a new tattoo? Still fully and pathetically unable to not be single though 🙃"
Kinda want to crawl into a hidden corner and claw my own face off
#life of faye#they're wonderful people and i love them dearly#I'm just ashamed at my own inability to do anything meaningful with my life#my friend even acknowledged that we're probably in different spots in life at least partially due to him having a supportive family network#and me... not having that at all#which is nice to have acknowledged but i still feel like such a trash person in comparison#like i don't want a baby but i want the rest so bad#i want a house#i want a fun and loving partner#someone to travel and enjoy life with#and then them getting pregnant means no more yearly Shakespeare trips 😔#when it felt like we at least had something to catch up on once a year#sucks man#obviously I'm being a selfish asshole because they're great and they're going to be great parents and they're so happy#but old friends with children scare me#they're entering into a section of life that I will never have any part of#and i feel weird and uncomfortable around them after that#so this weekend feels like the last time I'll be able to enjoy my friend's company#very bittersweet
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I miss the days where existing online was a fun thing for ppl with social anxiety to make friends on instead of like Life 2.0 ya know
#sucktacular sucks#this is literally about nothing im just like#so tired. im tired all the time. being online was my lil fun escape place#but now itslike#DID YOU KNOW HORRIBLE THING HAPPENED AND IF YOU ARENT PAYING ATTENTION#YOURE AWFUL AND ALSO THIS OTHER STUFF DONT DO IT BUT YOU#HAVE TO DO THIS THING OR ILL SEND YOU DEATH THREATS#or YOU DID XYZ OR LIKE XYZ THAY MEANS YOURE EVIL AND AWFUL#and its like#i know this stuff existed still back then but also#i just miss making movie maker slide shows#and having funny fake cyber sex in gaia online towns with my friends that i dont#know anything about and will never meet#like i could probably still exist in that closed off little world if i tried harder#but like maaaaann its just rough#i log in and get bombarded with information#i have no money i dont go outside and i want to be left alone except for my friends#i dont want to be anyone and i dont want to do anything#and Yet#my anxiety is on high alert every hour of everyday#anyone else wanna just exist and enjoy stuff or be a hater but it not be A Big Thing#again literally about nothing just like#i have an anxiety disorder and i know existing is already hard#but man online gonna make it hard now too huh#ewie#anyway i do miss my death note mutuals but i cant even socialize with my besties these days#cuz im too anxious and one little trip up and im gonna explode and die frankly#working on it#HOW THE HELL DID WE WIND UP LIKE THIS#AND WHY WERENT WE ABLE... TO SEE THE SIGNS THAT WE MISSED. AND TRY AND TURN THE TABLES
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i am still so weak dude even just using the trackpad on my laptop for a minute or maybe even less to scroll on tumblr was enough to make my arm tingly nd numb
#and it just spreads out through my body i am so oug......#i slept since 1pm yesterday to 6am today i think? and i still feel so tired my brain cant function#i just feel so heavy n like even breathing is taking every ounce of energy i have#i dont even know why it's hitting me so hard right now#usually i only pass out once or twice in a month n i recover pretty quickly but this has been rapid fire n constantly getting worse#i dont even think ill be able to go back to silks this week :(#and that fucking sucks not only because i really enjoy it but also it's the only thing that gets me out of the house#it's the only thing i have to use against my anxiety#i just feel like im stuck getting physically worse n because of that ill be forced to mentally regress from all the work ive put in#at the same im. doing a lot better mentally i think just because i hav my partner n being able to spend time w them just. changes everythin#everything is so much better & feels so much more possible#maybe ill be ok if i have that#it's not the full isolation downward spiral that would usually happen#i still have something 2 push myself for#i still have a bit of a continuous thing going im still not. failing? maybe . i dont know#from the second i go 2 sleep 2 the second i can talk to them again i cam looking forward to it i am buzzing#i just wish my body would allow me to have good things o(-<
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Super heavy vent ahead in the tags
#bird chirps#vent#Talking about political stuff and suicidal ideation#But genuinely I cant anymore with this election. Im fucking terrified#Granted my dad’s a major pessimist and I think he lowkey enjoys others suffering#So his passionate rants about how we have no future and life isnt worth it if Trump wins definitely isnt helping#But holy shit Im actually terrified#Im trying to not crawl into the pit of despair but I really don’t know how life can go on worst case scenario#I cant delay my life four more years minimum for another recession/depression#I cant stay in this house and watch my rights get taken away#Theres just so much shit to be afraid of#And granted I live in a swing state. I think its still a swing state anyway since we tend to vote republican#So the campaigning here gets brutal#But it’s hard to stay positive when it seems like EVERYONE irl is so fucking pro trump#Im just praying theres a silent majority and that isnt the case#But God I cant fucking do this man#Situations where you have little to no control over the outcome are a fucking nightmare#I can vote so at least that’s something. But thats not enough to ease the anxiety#I need the outcome to be GUARENTEED and thats just not gonna happen#So I just sit here as shit gets worse and it’s harder to keep calm#And I dont have a good track record of having Safe Mental Health while in election times#So this just. Really fucking sucks#I hate when I get like this because it feels like such a major step back#And with an event THIS big its hard to push it all away as irrational and a mental health issue#Because my brain goes ‘Well LOGICALLY you WONT be able to go on so this is a correct way to think’#I hate it so fucking much#If Trump wins Ill pick up smoking or something. Fuck it#Deciding on an action like THAT is still less destructive than full on suicide plan#But I just. I cant fucking do this#Can I teleport to 2028 and just pray everythings okay
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Mentally i am shaking my boss (dm) and the people in charge of the company i work with
Mild fit of rage rn, sorry
#cuz like how the fuck am i actually applying the “tips” yall suggest anyway. and still just barely not reaching#the percentage yall fucking ask for after quietly changing it on everyone#NOT TO MENTION YALL DONT TAKE IN ACCOUNT OF THESE STUPID. BROKE HALF THE TIME. ASS MACHINES WE GOTTA STRUGGLE WITH#THAT YALL WONT FUCKING ACTUALLY FIX OR STRAIGHT UO REPLACE#“oh you have to be hitting this percentage as company policy in 90 days or we'll have to let you go”#THEN FUCKING FIX THE DAMN THINGS#MAYBE MAKE IT EASIER TO CONTACT HR?????? OR TO BE ABLE TO ASK ABOUT HELP OR ACCOMMODATIONS???????#cuz I'm stiiiiiill pissed that our employee pages have a fucking tab. FOR HR. BUT IT DOESNT ACTUALLY HAVE A WAY TO CONTACT HR?????#what do you meeeaaan we have to go to the Public webpage to be able to do anything hr related????????#WHY HAVE THAT TAB THERE THEN#ugghhhhh#and the worst part is. i really do enjoy my job actually. its just bullshit with the machines and the harrassment to “be better”#that fucking sucks#and like. i didnt know until a couple months after working with the company that they changed to uph requirement to 75% vs the 65% when#i was hired initially. that was a silent change some of my coworkers didnt know either#and the fuckign print outs they make for orientation still say 65% to my knowledge#cuz they havent updated that shit since like. 2018 or something like that#anyway. ranting over now dhkdhkdhe i just get very heated over this cuz its not something me or my coworkers have any control over#even when we're already doing all the things in the very not helpful tips pdf sent w the reports
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I should probably start doing book reviews on my 130+ pre 1950 (mostly) medical text collection to justify the amount of money I’ve spent on the damn things. But since it’s a hobby and I’m in college to be a technician, not a doctor, I only can confidently analyze the historical context and social trends as I’m super under qualified to point out the actual medical inaccuracies in the texts.
It’s so difficult to find resources in between “simplified 101 for high school students” and “PhD medical journal level of complexity” to actually teach myself because Google is awful and doesn’t work.
If anyone has any resources that’ll let me bridge the gap of this weird medical education pitfall that’s present in most stem fields, I’d be very happy to check them out!
#bones speaks#like. i really enjoy my collection and know EXTREMELY basic medical knowledge#id be a medical doctor if I couldve afforded it but alas.#but because I don’t have that level of education I’m unable to point out a lot of the inaccuracies that aren’t obvious or glaringly in wrong#it kinda sucks that despite finding this such a cool subject I’ll never be able to fully grasp what I enjoy most about this subject-#due to an education barrier. but I’ll still keep collecting anyways.#i get the education barrier is literally there because that’s what taught in pre & post requisite courses in college#so you have to get a college education to learn it. but GOD it sucks for my little obscure hobby
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*takes my last adderall so i can finish all my work in one day*
*finishes one (1) assignment*
*gets distracted and spends the rest of the day hyperfocusing on delicious in dungeon again*
#i rewatched half the anime last night cause i was too tired to do anything else#i even almost got sucked into reading the manga again the other day but forced myself to stop after 1 chapter#def gotta buy hard copies#this is one of if not the only thing i can enjoy multiple times IN SUCCESSION!#actually i was like this with turning red and spiderverse too but#dunmeshi is different.... dunmeshi is special..... my enjoyment of it is more than just the animation or the art.....#ive never felt this particular way about anything but i've always wanted to#in the past my fanart often felt a little forced even tho i liked those things it was hard to get excited about anything#i think dunmeshi is partially responsible for my depression being in remission#literally#the only depression i feel since spring is about financial problems or being lonely#tangible stuff#but it's not the deep internal depression ive felt for most of my life#idk how to explain but like there's layers to depression#the easier kind to heal from is based in identifiable current issues like loneliness or financial troubles or grief or burnout#then theres the kind that comes from complex trauma or i think sometimes its genetic too#i thought that part would only go away once i solved the surface level stuff and could heal thorugh positive experiences to contradict#the pathways my brains formed overtime via trauma#but although ive had a few moments that have helped#i think dunmeshi. moving out of my old apt where i lived with 3 cishet men into an apt with 1 chill roomie. having time over summer to#get used to a self made routine (despite having MANY financial issues and still not being able to spend it how i planned)#all that is mainly what helped!#like for the first time i was getting excited abt stuff!#i still kinda struggle tho with maintaining that excietment#except with dunmeshi!#it's like no matter what my excitement hasn't diminished#thats very comforting#i gotta force myself to engage in more media so i can find more things to love#i have a habit of putting off things i know ill love bc i wanna be ready for it#so that if i do love it ill have the time and energy to get inspired and make fanart
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also sorry for disappearing so much i think i ended up losing all my interests all at once so im in this weird limbo state of trying to keep them while trying desperately to find something new to keep me from spiralling
#august was a weird month#trying to get used to the fact that im working 10am to 6pm everyday#and just so much else going on#im trying to keep up with genshin but i just can't enjoy natlan wholeheartedly#dorman port and the next dain quest wont be released for months so.#i also just get so tired when i get home so i barely feel like watching anything ;;#i Will finish nana before this year ends though#i also think my happiness will increase tenfold whenever skz decide to drop their second skz replay album#not being able to add volcano wsb 12345 maybe and 13 into my regular playlists has been detrimental#i also just feel too tired to even open up any app lmao#like instagram just sucks to use and not even tumblr's doing it for me now#so it'd be the perfect time to start drawing again but i cant even get myself to do anything#even though i have things that are still unfinished#i can't tell if im getting depressed again or what but man i really dont want to go through a repeat of march/april#anyways thats enough of oversharing
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im so bad at separating the art from the artist
#it takes me MONTHS to be able to enjoy their character or the music or whatever they do instead of just seeing what they stand for#i didnt rb any gifs of noah for months and now im getting back into byler and stranger things cuz i miss it but its still so hard for me#i see him and i dont see will i see a zionist and i am just filled with disgust#his face has become a reminder for me to do my daily clicks#and yes i did just obsess over yellowjackets for like 10 months straight but a big reason why i stopped byler posting everyday is bc of him#which sucks cuz i fucking love that ship and i LOVED analyzing it#and im seeing everyone else just byler posting constantly and it makes me feel kinda crazy#like are you just mentally good at separating the art and you dont support him or are you a fucking zionist too#theres so many noah apologists in the byler fandom.....#and blogs i loved too!!!!!#gathering my clips for the s3 gifset rn thats what caused this ramble#theres a solo shot of will that i love and it would be such a good gif but i dont think ill put it in#im turning anons off for a bit#yall were fuckin mean last time i spoke about it i literally almost deactivated
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Just to preface this post I am NOT here to attack anyone for dub vs sub please do not take it that way enjoy anime however you please this is just entirely my personal experience
But idk WHAT it is but i cannot STAND anime dubs like my god they make me want to strangle someone. Idk if its the tone or the lipsync or WHAT but the voices sometimes just do NOT match the characters and I hate it, it makes me want to tear the ears from my scalp I would rather a million high pitched japanese anime girl squeals than whatever dub is it HURTS like- PHYSICALLY HURTS to listen to and i dont know why I’m like this
But props to those who can tolerate dubs y’all are so much stronger than me but i am stickin with my subs
#personal#lifeblogging#negative#ask to tag#i accidentally saw a clip of a scene in one piece i had already seen but it was in dub#and i wanted to immediately erase it from my memory#my boyfriend and like- SO many of my friends watch anime dubbed exclusively#and i love them so much but i literally canNOT#it hurts it hurts it hurts#i hate it i hate it i hate it#i am 98% sure it has to do with my autism#but idk it just-#ALSO ITS LIKE- JUST WITH DUBS#like if the source is in english its fine#BUT THIS ALSO GOES FOR OTHER LANGUAGES#like- if the source is in chinese i still hate the english dub#like- if its a english dub of any kind and the source material is not original in english#it sucks so bad to me and idk why#i used to watch EXCLUSIVELY DUB too!!!#IDK WHAT HAPPENED#but one day- dub just started sounding like nails on a chalkboard to me#and i wish it didnt cause those vas are SO TALENTED and deserve the love#i want to be able to enjoy anime with my boyfriend!!!!#but its so HARD to do that#mild vent
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yeah guys idk I'm just thinking maybe the lightheadedness and desire to sit down about halfway through putting away groceries my whole life might not have just been a reaction to the way my parents were when i was a kid and the accompanying anxiety and sudden flurry of movement, but also possibly maybe i have a Health Thing about this...
#thank god i finally scheduled that doctor's appointment#Jan 15 cannot come quickly enough tbh#like i've streamlined getting shit put away and i hurry as soon as the wooziness starts hitting because i know i'm on borrowed time#and that's when the trauma reaction kicks in of ''i can't stop halfway through i'll be in trouble'' anxiety#because i *enjoy* putting away groceries and organizing the kitchen#i just also can't without a lot of assistance and plenty of spoons and time to prepare myself physically and mentally beforehand#this post brought to you by i had this realization doing the groceries and now i'm having like a lot of thoughts about it#i can't do it all in one go ever and i have never been able to without someone else handling about half of it#no matter how much i get or of what i can only get about half put away before time's up and i gotta sit down#it's why so much of my food was non-perishable when i was on my own#cause i'd get the cold things put away because they *had* to be#and then i couldn't physically do any more - especially if the groceries that week were more cold than non-perishable#but like yeah if i had to stop or take a break in putting away the groceries (despite also having gone to the grocery store#and walked around the whole store and grabbed items AND carried the heavy things into the house because i was the heavy lifter#AND i was in sports and had probably either just done a lot of exercise or was still in recovery from the day before/earlier that day)#i got fussed at for not helping out#so that's fucked up and fuck my mom actually she sucks#ugh
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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