#source john mulaney

[incorrectcuphead]

the devil : cuphead used the hellevator ? i didn’t know he knew how to do that .

[incorrect-tokyodebunker]

MC: I found this bottle in Romeo's room, is this supposed to be whiskey or perfume?

Taiga: [grabs the bottle, downs the whole thing]

Taiga: It's perfume.

[howfrightening]

Trevor: I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her, that is not true!

Trevor: My wife is a bitch and I like her so much!

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Fritz: You know those days when you're like, "This might as well happen."

[uncorrectintamed]

Wen Yuan: I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

[chaoticace2005]

Hazbin Hotel characters as John Mulaney quotes part 3:

(Part 1 2 4)

Vox: I was hoping by now that I would look older. But it didn’t happen. I don’t look older I just look worse, I think. Honestly when I’m walking down the street nobody’s ever like “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Woah! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends.”

Angel: Part of me was like whatever, you know? You know those days when you’re like “this might as well happen.”

Angel and Vaggie about their respective partners: I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That’s not really a joke that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say.

People watching the show: I think eventually everything is going to be okay. But I have no idea what’s gonna happen next.

Niffty: I know now I’m definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

Charlie, about Alastor: We started chanting, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.

Any time literally any character’s backstory or internal issues is revealed: Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that.

[autism-autobot]

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 3*

Erlang Shen: I was over on the bench.

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 4*

Erlang Shen: I was over on the bench!

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 5*

Erlang Shen: I was OVER 👏ON THE👏 BENCH👏!!!!!

[nerdasaurus1200]

Eugene, on a daily basis: This might as well happen. Corona is already so goddamn weird.

[resident-wof-expert]

Tsunami: People constantly ask me and Riptide if we're gonna have kids, and we always say no.

Tsunami: And every time, they're like, "Never? You're never gonna have kids?"

Tsunami: Like, I don't know! 14 years ago, I smoked crack cocaine the night before my college graduation!

Tsunami: Now, I'm afraid to get a flu shot!

Tsunami: Things change!

[incorrecthatchetfield]

Blinky: Is this whisky or perfume?

Nibbly: *grabs the bottle and chugs the liquid* ...It's perfume.

[lesbagel]

existing for the sake of being liked

catalog of unabashed gratitude - ross gay / ugly bitter and true - suzanne rivecca / our bodies and other fine things - natalie wee / faulty - leila chatti / inanotheruniverse.tumblr.com / howelljenkins.tumblr.com / @xoxoabbyxoxox / robin williams and why funny people kill themselves - david wong / john mulaney / body love part 1 - mary lambert / our bodies and other fine things - natalie wee / invisible monsters - chuck palahniuk / stage fright - jenny slate / the last scene of the movie - eleanor hsieh / twofigs.tumblr.com / fun - olivia barton / @killdads / will anybody ever love me? - sufjan stevens

[incorrectvtuberquotes]

"The One Thing You Can't Replace" - Ex-Niji Version

AKA the closest I'll ever get to discourse-posting. But if you have quotes for Mint, Doki and the rest, by all means send them in!

Maid Mint: Another story I heard about myself... This one happened in Nijisanji. We had this boss, Mr. Tazumi, and I had a kouhai who went to our agency, Rosemi Lovelock. She was in Obsydia and I was in LazuLight, so she was a gen behind me.

Mint: So Mr. Tazumi was an asshole. And one weekend, he and his yacht decided to leave town, which you should never do if you're an asshole. And Rosemi decided to throw a party at the HQ - hooray! So everyone around Niji heard about it, and we all got up individually and said:

Quinn Benet: Okay. Let's go over there and destroy the place.

Mint: I walked into this party. Everyone I had ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world! We were drinking like it was the Civil War and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. It was totally unsupervised. We were like dogs without horses - we were running wild.

Mint: I walked down... I walked down to the basement. They had a pool table in the basement.

[Cut to Michi Mochievee, jumping onto the pool table]

Mint: One kid took a running start and threw her body onto the pool table and broke it in half.

[Cut to Kuro, plotting mischief]

Mint: Another kid found out which office was Tazumi's and went upstairs and took a shit on his computer.

Mint: So the party was going great.

[Chat cheers]

Mint: I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a red cup - you've seen movies - and I'm standing there, and I'm starting to black out. And I guess someone said, like...

Sayu: Something, something, managers.

Mint: And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled:

Mint/Pomu: FUCK THE MANAGERS! FUCK THE MANAGERS!

Mint: And everyone else joined in! Three dozen drunk EN children yelling "Fuck. Da. Managers." with the confidence of guys who have, like, already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore - you know, that "I served my nickel! You come and take me!" confidence. But EN children.

Mint: The reason someone had said "something something managers" was because the managers were there. So an Anycolor manager walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement, and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling "Fuck the managers!" in his face! And he was almost impressed! He was like, "Wooooowww..." And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went: "Get the paddywagon!"

Mint: And my friend Matara - who is now a mother, this woman has babies - she grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled:

Matara: SCATTER!!!

Mint: And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Rat-tat-touille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways - we all ran in different directions.

Mint: I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on a washing machine, and I crawled out through a window into the back alley, and now I'm running through the back alley and there was this big chain link fence. And I thought:

Mint/Pomu: I have never climbed a fence that high before!

Mint: And then I woke up at home.

[Chat laughs uproariously]

Mint: On Monday, I went to work, because that's what we did back then. And I'm walking into the collab, and who do I see but Rosemi Lovelock. And she says to me:

Rosemi: Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?

Mint: And I said no. You know, like a liar. And she said:

Rosemi: Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a dump on Tazumi-san's computer. But the worst thing is, someone stole these old antique photos of Tazumi's grandmother. And our bosses are freaking out about it.

Mint: And I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have: "Did I do that?"

[She pauses as chat reacts]

Mint: I figured no, I wouldn't have done that. But I was never sure - until, a year later... Relax!

Mint: I'm playing video games with this kid named Dokibird, that we also went to Nijisanji with. A year later, we've graduated by now. We're playing video games for a couple hours. And then Doki says to me:

Doki: Hey, come here, I wanna show you something.

Mint: And she takes me into her bedroom, and then she takes me into a side room off of her bedroom - never a good thing to have.

Mint: And she shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from Nijisanji parties over the years. And I said: "Why? Why do you do this?"

Mint: And Doki said:

Doki: Because it's the one thing Tazumi can't replace.

[Chat erupts into laughter and cheers]

[ozs-twink-boytoy]

Vic, years later to his therapist: Ok,so back when I was 17, I used to work for this guy called Oz Cobb... go ahead and laugh his name is ridiculous... anyways so he was a mobster serial killer and... oh, I'm sorry, Doctor, did that make you UNCOMFORTABLE? Well, guess what? You're an adult, and he's not even here! So try sitting across him at 17 when he's still got blood on his shoes!

[incorrectjokerout]

Nace,holding an antique bottle:Is this whiskey or perfume?

Jure:*grabs and chugs entire bottle*

Nace:

Jure:It's perfume.

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Soldier: Sometimes Spy asks me "What do you think you're doing?!" but he actually just means "stop". Spy doesn't actually want to hear my thought process...

[incorrect-piltover-quotes]

Ekko: *holding an antique bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume?

Vi: *takes the bottle and chugs the whole thing*

Vi: It's perfume.