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incorrectvtuberquotes · 9 months ago

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"The One Thing You Can't Replace" - Ex-Niji Version

AKA the closest I'll ever get to discourse-posting. But if you have quotes for Mint, Doki and the rest, by all means send them in!

Maid Mint: Another story I heard about myself... This one happened in Nijisanji. We had this boss, Mr. Tazumi, and I had a kouhai who went to our agency, Rosemi Lovelock. She was in Obsydia and I was in LazuLight, so she was a gen behind me.

Mint: So Mr. Tazumi was an asshole. And one weekend, he and his yacht decided to leave town, which you should never do if you're an asshole. And Rosemi decided to throw a party at the HQ - hooray! So everyone around Niji heard about it, and we all got up individually and said:

Quinn Benet: Okay. Let's go over there and destroy the place.

Mint: I walked into this party. Everyone I had ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world! We were drinking like it was the Civil War and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. It was totally unsupervised. We were like dogs without horses - we were running wild.

Mint: I walked down... I walked down to the basement. They had a pool table in the basement.

[Cut to Michi Mochievee, jumping onto the pool table]

Mint: One kid took a running start and threw her body onto the pool table and broke it in half.

[Cut to Kuro, plotting mischief]

Mint: Another kid found out which office was Tazumi's and went upstairs and took a shit on his computer.

Mint: So the party was going great.

[Chat cheers]

Mint: I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a red cup - you've seen movies - and I'm standing there, and I'm starting to black out. And I guess someone said, like...

Sayu: Something, something, managers.

Mint: And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled:

Mint/Pomu: FUCK THE MANAGERS! FUCK THE MANAGERS!

Mint: And everyone else joined in! Three dozen drunk EN children yelling "Fuck. Da. Managers." with the confidence of guys who have, like, already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore - you know, that "I served my nickel! You come and take me!" confidence. But EN children.

Mint: The reason someone had said "something something managers" was because the managers were there. So an Anycolor manager walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement, and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling "Fuck the managers!" in his face! And he was almost impressed! He was like, "Wooooowww..." And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went: "Get the paddywagon!"

Mint: And my friend Matara - who is now a mother, this woman has babies - she grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled:

Matara: SCATTER!!!

Mint: And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Rat-tat-touille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways - we all ran in different directions.

Mint: I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on a washing machine, and I crawled out through a window into the back alley, and now I'm running through the back alley and there was this big chain link fence. And I thought:

Mint/Pomu: I have never climbed a fence that high before!

Mint: And then I woke up at home.

[Chat laughs uproariously]

Mint: On Monday, I went to work, because that's what we did back then. And I'm walking into the collab, and who do I see but Rosemi Lovelock. And she says to me:

Rosemi: Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?

Mint: And I said no. You know, like a liar. And she said:

Rosemi: Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a dump on Tazumi-san's computer. But the worst thing is, someone stole these old antique photos of Tazumi's grandmother. And our bosses are freaking out about it.

Mint: And I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have: "Did I do that?"

[She pauses as chat reacts]

Mint: I figured no, I wouldn't have done that. But I was never sure - until, a year later... Relax!

Mint: I'm playing video games with this kid named Dokibird, that we also went to Nijisanji with. A year later, we've graduated by now. We're playing video games for a couple hours. And then Doki says to me:

Doki: Hey, come here, I wanna show you something.

Mint: And she takes me into her bedroom, and then she takes me into a side room off of her bedroom - never a good thing to have.

Mint: And she shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from Nijisanji parties over the years. And I said: "Why? Why do you do this?"

Mint: And Doki said:

Doki: Because it's the one thing Tazumi can't replace.

[Chat erupts into laughter and cheers]

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celestiaras · 18 days ago

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‧₊˚✧ ❛[ don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree ]❜

ft. ren zotto, fulgur ovid, aster arcadia, elira pendora, enna alouette, rosemi lovelock x gn! reader — nijisanji en

╰₊✧ the time you spend together is more important than any material presents┊1.8k words

contains: fluff!! christmas activities, established relationships, might be a little boring to read but oh well i had fun writing it, no uki because i don’t write for him sorry :(

➤ author's note: merry belated christmas guys!! i feel like the quality of my writing has taken a nosedive and seasonal depression hit me like a truck, but i still enjoy writing and hope you guys still enjoy vtuber fics so i will persist!

━━━ .°˖✧ ren zotto ˚₊ ⊹

“what’s the plant for?” ren asked curiously, tilting his head as he approached you, being careful not to get his horns stuck in any of the decorations hanging from the ceiling.

“it’s mistletoe! you’re supposed to kiss when you’re under it with your crush or partner.”

“why?” everything about this holiday was so strange to him, all of the reds and greens and whites and golds meshed with the smell of pine cones and baked cookies— not to mention the fat jolly man wearing red who essentially stalks each individual person and gives out presents depending if he thought they were naughty or nice. he’s learning new things as they appear to him, but he’s starting to worry he’ll never get it all.

“um… i’m not actually sure… it’s just a tradition we have here on earth,” you explained, holding tightly onto the handle of the stepping stool while making your descent. “i’m sure it has a meaning or reason of some sort— but i’m sure there is one!”

“that’s… strange… but i kinda like it…”

he took a step closer to stand directly under the sprigs of evergreen, looking up at the thin red ribbons attaching to the door frame and little gold flakes making it sparkle, before looking back at you with a mischievous smile, “so are you going to kiss me or what?”

“already?”

“well, what did you put it up for if not to kiss me right now?”

“to tie together all of the decorations, obviously.”

“so you don’t want to kiss me?

you giggled and shook your head, wrapping your arms around his neck and reaching up on your tip-toes to place a gentle kiss on his lips, allowing it to linger for a couple of seconds before finally parting with a smile.

“you call that a kiss?”

“don’t be greedy now.”

━━━ .°˖✧ fulgur ovid ˚₊ ⊹

he took a sip from his old pottery project mug with a contented sigh, tasting the hints of cinnamon melding with hot chocolate on his tongue with the whipped cream sticking to his upper lip. his eyes stared into the crackling fireplace, only allowing his gaze to flicker to you by his side when you reached out to lazily wipe it away with your finger and quickly sucking it off.

“this is nice,” he murmured, stretching his robotic legs under the knitted blanket you recently woven. “we should do this more often.”

there was no feeling in his arms and legs, but he could feel warmth blooming throughout what little bit of human flesh remained as well as his soul. it wasn’t often you two got quality time like this with your conflicting schedules, yet with the christmas spirit in the air infecting the world with its joy, there seemed to be all of the time in the world to spend in the other’s company.

“hm, we really should,” you sighed as you nuzzled your face into his neck, your hands kept nice and toasty with the hot beverage in hand. “i never want to leave, it’s way too cold outside.”

it was true, the harsh winds creeping into your shared home always threatened your skin with constant shivers and the water pipes bursting, but as of now, none of that was a concern. it was just you and him cuddling against the winter frost, sitting in the living room surrounded by decorations and light from the fire. heaven couldn’t be closer if the pearly gates were right in front of his eyes.

“i love you.”

“i love you too, so, so much.”

━━━ .°˖✧ aster arcadia ˚₊ ⊹

it’s always difficult to make a new apartment look lived in, but with christmas right around the corner, you two had a little cheat of a few more weeks to figure out how you wanted to make the home look after the decorations were put away. for now though, you were focusing on putting everything up to make it all look nice and festive: colorful lights were strung along the walls with shiny tinsel, wreaths on every door, stockings hung in the kitchen stuffed with candy canes, and a big plastic pine tree in the center ready to be adorned. it’s excessive, yes, but you both seemed to like the chaotic festive made with the combination of things from your previous respective homes before moving in together.

“are any of these ornaments glass? i don’t want the cat to knock the tree over and break them.”

“no, they aren’t— i made sure for that exact reason, but also they were a lot cheaper—”

he spun around the tree, standing on his toes to reach the higher parts and hook the orbs onto the branches. it was like an intricate dance needing to circle the centerpiece without running into each other or placing too much focus on one area, trying to evenly spread out the love until the boxes were empty and taking a step back to admire the masterpiece.

“do you want to put the star on top?”

“i don’t think i can lift you that high up!”

“i bet i can though!”

“with those puny arms of yours?”

“don’t underestimate a celestial being! i’ve actually been working out!”

“it means you’re powerful, but not necessarily strong— just get a stepping stool!”

━━━ .°˖✧ elira pendora ˚₊ ⊹

the dragon-hybrid girl took a deep breath of the delectable cinnamon cookies resting to sit in the oven before sighing dreamily, feeling her mouth water at the thought of sinking her fangs into them even if she burned her tongue in the process. “are those just about done now?”

“almost…” you kept an eye on their progress while setting the kitchen island with white frosting, rainbow m&ms, and sugar-coated gumdrops, only putting on the mitt to take out the tray and placing it with everything else when finished. “alright, it’s time to decorate!”

“can i just have one little nibble?”

“you can eat the ugly broken ones while we build the house.”

she tried her best to keep a steady hand to squirt the icing on the edges of the gingerbread squares neatly, but some bits of it dripped down the sides which she hastily wiped away with her nail as she hastily tried to construct a building before pouting as it collapsed.

“you need to hold onto it as it dries,” you instructed, taking place behind her and wrapping your arms around her waist to guide her hands on placing everything perfectly, smiling slightly as your pretty girlfriend blushed at the contact. “see, like that!”

“so i have to hold it while you do the fun part?”

“okay, then i’ll hold it while you decorate the gingerbread men.”

after a considerable amount of thought, she smirked at the idea formed in her strange little mind and ran to a cabinet to fish out some bottles of food coloring to mix with the frosting. you watched curiously as she worked some magic at the speed of light, furrowed brows with her tongue sticking out slightly in concentration, working to make the imagined visual come to life.

you didn’t recognize what she was doing at first until she proudly presented her creation to you, making you shake your head and smile at how you didn’t see this coming.

“look! gingerbread yaoi!” she pressed their faces together like a child playing with dolls, making them kiss with a little giggle.

“is that supposed to be ren and akechi?”

“yep!”

you weren’t sure what you were expecting.

━━━ .°˖✧ enna alouette ˚₊ ⊹

“it’s way too cold for this shit,” she swore through chattered teeth.

“one more song and then we’ll go home,” you compromised, “the kids in this neighborhood seem to love you.”

“it’s because they think i’m another kid, but little do they know, i’m actually a grown-ass bi-”

“no swearing! anyways, what’s the next song?”

after some deliberation, you both settled on “oh come, all ye faithful” and began to sing out into the little awaiting crowd whose size was steadily growing throughout the night. the audience of all ages seemed to be amazed by your girlfriend’s voice, how deep and melodic it was in contrast to her youthful appearance as if an angel came down from the heavens to personally bless them with the spirit of christmas herself.

it wasn’t often she was in the mood to do anything social like this, much preferring to spend the holiday alone with friends and loved ones in the heated comfort of her own home, but there was a certain magic in the air that allowed you to persuade her into spending today spreading the holiday cheer.

at least until you noticed her nose had turned bright red from the cold nipping at it for the past hour at some point and a bit runny, causing you to burst out laughing by the time you two had finished singing. enna sniffled and realized what you were smiling at, smacking you on the back with the rolled-up packet of carols as the onlookers laughed along with you.

“i’m sorry! i couldn’t help it, you looked too cute, like rudolph!”

she bit her inner cheek, resisting the urge to swear in front of everyone else and simply smacked you again before returning her attention to them, gracefully accepting their praise and thanks for coming like she wasn’t about to curse up a storm just a few seconds ago.

━━━ .°˖✧ rosemi lovelock ˚₊ ⊹

the pinkette cheered excitedly as she eagerly put on her mittens and wrapped a woolen scarf around her neck, “i can’t remember the last time we had a white christmas!”

“remember to put on your hat, i don’t want your ears to get cold.”

“i’m just so excited!” she practically bolted out of the door to dance around the front lawn with you following suit, falling into the thick snow in a fit of giggles and rapidly moving her limbs to create snow angels. “i don’t even feel the cold with how excited i am!”

“don’t tell me the frost already settled in and numbed your senses.”

“no, it didn’t!”

“god, you’re like a kid on christmas.”

“it is christmas! i’m just not a kid!”

“well, you might as well be.”

rosemi snickered and quickly grabbed a handful of snow, balling it up in her gloved hand and throwing it at the back of your head with shocking accuracy. “can a kid do that?”

“that’s exactly what a kid would do!” you gasped. “i’m going to get you for that!”

“no you won’t!” she laughed, jumping up and running over to hide behind a nearby tree from your oncoming assault.

you two stayed outside until the sun set playing in the snow, creating more snow angels and families of snow people, having snowball fights with some neighborhood kids joining in— the cold never seemed to reach either of you with the constant movement keeping you warm, you could have sworn you might have started sweating at one point.

your girlfriend, on the other hand, had her teeth chattering after foolishly taking off one of the layers of her winter coat and catching a cold in the following days. thankfully though, she’ll be better by the new year as long as she doesn’t drink too much like she did last time.