#sorry again. have no one to vent to
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I was telling my mother about some interesting Symptoms™ I've been having and putting them all together like that. maybe I'm stressed because my body is falling apart. that might be a cause. like
#like oh my god. girl help im having symptoms even doctors dont know what to with#i told her about the last time i saw a dr for one particular health issue and he told me if i were older he'd investigate for cancer#but bc im young he isnt going to bother#and then just sent me on my way without much follow up like 'if it gets worse its probably fine and dont come back'#and she was very concerned#im still not sure how concerned i have to be about it#bc if it was a real medical problem then he wouldve said come back if it gets worse#but also im in pain and bleeding all of the time and as time goes on my body seems to be like getting worse at performing certain tasks#and developing more and worse symptoms#i should maybe get a second opinion on that one but im also right in the middle of testing for my high blood pressure#and also going back forth with gender clinic about surgery#and trying to manage my disabilities#and trying to care for my terminally ill cat#so like i dont have the TIME#or the energy#i DO wish my body could hold it together for like a minute#a breather would be good rn#dogbunni diary log#sorry again. have no one to vent to#i cant bother my parents too much about this bc they worry enough about me as it is and have enough stress in their lives
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please don’t be sad little sprout, you are loved 🌱 🖤
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#🌱Thank you<33🌱#I guess my latest vent art post made some of you guys worried. I'm sorry ;;n;; )#but I'm alright. well.. kind of? Like I haven't done anything to myself kind of alright?#maybe I should explain bit about my situation but at the same time I don't feel comfortable to open up too much#but simply said it's about doing art as a job and mental health#Things haven't been going well but I am getting help for my mental health#This is all what I will say for now about my situation#I apologize again that I made you guys worried#but I do warn that I might post more vent art if I get enough energy to draw#this is just one way how I deal with my emotions#but if you don't like vent art I suggest to block the words vent and vent art#I remember tumblr has this option somewhere??#and uhh.. I don't really know how to end this post but thank you everyone who has been sending support<33#I might not know how to reply to them but I have read them all and I'm very thankful for all the support what you guys have given me🌱#Thank you🌱#ask#anon#me talking
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I can imagine anything guy image: “I can spiral into tears and convince myself I’m the worst person alive over anything”
#it’s soooooo easy#‘hey that thing you said was kind of insensitive’ -> feel awful and apologize immediately ->#try to explain that I’m a flawed human being in hopes that they don’t hate me as much -> realize I’m using it as an excuse -> feel worse ->#want to explain that I feel bad in hopes that it makes my apology sound genuine -> realize if I do I’m starting a pity party ->#Devil on my shoulder says that I SHOULD start a pity party bc then people have to console me even though I’m the one who fucked up ->#realize that if the devil on my shoulder thinks that that some part of me must think that. thinking that is kind of terrible ->#feel like I’m terrible -> start crying -> realize that crying will turn it into a pity party anyway ->#realize that I don’t want to feel like I’m terrible. that I do actually want people to console me -> realize I don’t deserve it ->#admit that I am truly horrible for trying to turn my fuck up into a way to make people comfort me ->#post about it on tumblr to vent (?) -> realize now I’m starting a pity party in front of almost 8k people ->#realize that makes me even worse. -> break down in tears feeling sorry for myself when. again. IM the one who fucked up#repeat at and slight inconvenience or mistake. feel like a piece of shit forever :)#it’s a flawless system. if someone sees me struggling and tries to console me I can redirect that to confirm that I’m a horrible person#try and tell myself that I’m spiraling bc of mental illness -> that’s an excuse ->#excuse = horrible person bc I’m not willing to own up to my mistakes -> return to spiral
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feeling very grateful for the cute barista today who clearly clocked a) my fontaines d.c. tote, and b) the fact i was stuck on a spectacularly bad date, and proceeded to play me an entire playlist of fontaines d.c. and sneak me extra vegan marshmallows with my hot chocolate
#an absolute GEM 💗#we need more people in the world like this#they restored my faith in humanity 🙏#unlike my date#who was… well. i’ve been on worse ones i guess#but he monologued at me for a two and a half hours#and on the rare times i actually managed to get a word in edge ways or voice an opinion#he just twisted it round to suit what he’d been saying#it REALLY annoyed me#the entire thing annoyed me actually#i am so sick and tired of going on dates with straight white men who feel the need to explain everything to you#as if you’re not a person with a mind and experiences of your own#also wtf is the point on going on a date with someone when you aren’t remotely interested in getting to know them???#the man asked me maybe two questions total the entire afternoon#i could write his entire fucking biography#also at the end he said how cool and mysterious i was#and i’m like ????#i’m only mysterious because you’d prefer me to be that than an actual person who you could have had a proper conversation with#*breathes out slowly*#phew okay i was angrier about this than i thought lol#the older i get the less tolerance i have for shit like this 🫠#anyway yeah sorry#vent over 😅#i’m just so annoyed because i have SUCH limited energy atm with my pain and fatigue etc and i just wasted it on him ffs#but then again#the cute barista and the fontaines d.c. and the marshmallows were most definitely not a waste of my energy#they totally saved my day honestly 🙏#fontaines d.c.#lulu posts
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i realize i will most likely never be loved the way i love and that i have always come second, third or fourth even tho i always make time to put people i care about first because i want the people in my life to feel loved in the same way that i so desperately want to be loved. just came to the realization that i will probably never ever get the love i truly want :,)
#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd fp#bpd#actually borderline#bpd vent#bpd shitposting#bpd mood#bpd problems#bpd favorite person#i just want someone to be so in love with me that they couldn’t bare to have me put second#i want to be someone’s first priority.. especially his since he’s mine#but that’ll most likely never happen so :’)#i’m just putting my wishes into the internet because i have no one else to talk to about it.. he’s the only person i regularly talk to#at this point i’ve pushed away so many people that it would be stupid of me to try to renter their life knowing i’ll probably just ghost#again anyways#so if i ghosted you i’m sorry but i most likely won’t come back#just because you don’t deserve what i put people through
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Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again
#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining#once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol#like idk how to be friends#i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely#and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have#actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality#i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again#because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it#pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic#how do i start living again#how does one live anyway#im just in my head all the time#this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness#im so stupid!!!#im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself#im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself#but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go#idk how to be a person anymore#i’m just sad#thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol
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au where yi frees goumang from the collar thing after undergoing character development and she just kills him and hes dead forever. bye bye! we all outta yi. rip bozo
#case files#sorry im having angry goumang thoughts again#she literally deserves to kill him for good.#like yeah yeah yi's character development blah blah. doesn't matter! he still did that shit#ykw if that one person is putting their random ass nine sols 'vents' about how other ppls aus suck in the tags then this can go there too.#nine sols#nine sols goumang
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…��.#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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hi fam !!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#mikey welsh#ahhh omg :( i just fumbled so bad socially#and i just need to like. never speak again i feel.#and i’m trying to comfort myself because like. my friend started talking badly about me#and said i only use her to vent which makes me sad because i didn’t think that was true and i try to do sm for her#i made physics study guides for her ; compliment her when she posts ; and post her on my story a lot and always wave to her and talk to her#and i dunno. it makes me sad to think that but i can’t help it; you know? i just need to be alone sometimes and not speak to anyone#and it isn’t like i don’t wanna be her friend ; of course i do but like. it just hurts my heart she doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore#and it hurts my heart so bad and i dunno what im meant to do. and yesterday i had a party#and i said a bad joke in front of the wrong people and i just. accidentally embarrassed one of my good friends and i feel so bad#and everyone js went quiet and it’s just. i feel awful and need to be like. beheaded.#and i try to comfort myself like oh it’s okay. today is a new day. but today i feel even worse about it and there’s nothing i can do#to fix this; like on one hand THERES NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX MY BLUNDER!!! but on the other hand; there’s nothing i can do and i have left#my imprint in their minds and it’s so bad. i wish i was like. dead or something; yk? like not even weezer can make me feel better and it#sucks so badly . i wish i could just not think anymore and ignore everything in my life. i just hate myself so badly right now ; and i can’t#even be sure that i’m gonna be better cuz i just lack so much social awareness. i wish#i was more socially aware . i just hate when i get too comfortable. i wish i awkwardly sat in the corner and#didn’t speak to anybody the entire night to spare myself from any awkwardness. i hate parties!! i shouldn’t have gone :(#SORRY FOR THR BENT POST I JS NEEDED TO TELL SOMEONE AND LIKE. GET KT OHT YK?#it’s just so. ahhh i hate everything sm rn :( but liek me and the friend joke like that all the time and idk. im just. :( i feel terrible#and i’ve apologized and he said it was okay but embarrassing cuz some ppl looked at him for his reaction#and i dunno. i just feel awful and need to just. focus solely on academics until my brain is fried and i can’t function or something !
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okay that may sound mean but again. I've made IT PRETTY clear I can't donate.
you guys are really starting to piss me off posing as victims.
how do I know? you WOULDN'T ASK SOMEONE WHO'S IN FINANCIAL STRUGGLE FOR A MORAL BARGAIN!
there's a fine line with the audacity.
get tf out of my blog.
just because I support Palestine doesn't mean I'm a door mat and you can use my emotions for personal gain.
kindly fuck off if you're a copy pasta bot acc. I WILL check your account and activity days and all your posts before answering.
and if I see an ask repeated? I'm going to block you. because you don't even take the time to friking READ my blogs first few words.
stop trying to benefit from the suffering of people you two faced scums. 🤬
#vent#sorry#kibda went and said everything without filter there#but like none of these asks have given me much reason to trust them except the lastest one#at LEAST aknowledge my reluctance.#i will also answer your asks to show my distrust from now on.#so you will not be ignored you will be blocked and have your asks listed here#yk. for people to make their own judgement#I don't gate keep#again even with the ones that SEEM trustful#be VERY careful about monetary actions
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i've been freaking starving cuz of stress. this year has not gone well for me so far
#again i feel like i should just quit but. commissions.#and maybe living through spite#aint it wonderful to know that i'm being talked about behind my back with stuff thats either outdated or not explained well or just flat ou#-wrong#like wao i dont like ONE headcanon or worded how i dont like a certain mindset about m/f ships wrong (it was about ships not irl people)#or how i interacted with someone that hasnt been a moot in months. idk.#from this to the anon to a lot of other things i keep thinking that people here hate me#and it turns out im right#so its like. why should i stay? i still wanna stay tho#so yeah. im not doing so hot. i wont be doing so hot for a while. im sorry about that#i've felt like ive been walking on eggshells and the moment i get comfortable again something Happens and i get upset again.#so can i please have a peaceful rest of the week. i can feel my mental and physical health go down the drain#vent
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I need to sleep for 70 hours and then maybe I'll feel not evil again
#Robin processes emotions on main#mghmfph#THE BRAIN GUCK#holy spirit fix me. holy spirit. holy spirit save me#the stupid brain guck man..... I need to move out I need to sleep more I need to. need to be braver#I need to write this new story idea I need to. bury myself in zombie au#my brain's coming up with new ocs and even as I'm doing it I'm going wow these are the ocs of a stressed-out teenager#I'm not a teenager but living with my parents again is making me feel like one I NEED TO MOVE OUT#ANYWAY#everything will be fine I'm just venting#I'm just particularly frustrated with myself today and talking myself through it. I hate feeling selfish. ugh.#I wish I had money for therapy :[#I want to do therapy again. but it's just me my comfort media and the holy spirit against the world right now#also in addition to feeling selfish I'm feeling super isolated#I HAVE NO COMMUNITY no irl community anyway#and living with my parents... makes it. genuinely super hard to try to make community. ugh. again: wish I could move out and get therapy#figure out what I'm DOING figure out people to do it WITH#yeuch that was a lot of gross emotions and thoughts sorry#love you. have a glass of water or something. that's what I'm going to do now#oh also I'm stressed out Today bc parents are having friends over and I don't feel up to it. but I like them. but I just want to sleep#SIGH#okay I'm done for real now
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my agereblr pet peeve is people who add on their own dni banners to other people’s posts
#it’s just rude#like i’m all for curating your own online experience but that’s for YOUR OWN blog and posts#you can’t be just adding that on to other people’s stuff bc you assume that they have the same boundaries as you#<- sorry i’m mad bc someone just did this to one of my posts again and their dni actively contradicts mine#it’s so annoying#will.txt#vent post
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I keep trying to post shit I been drawing lately BUT I CANT. I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO. THE WORMS INSIDE MY HEAD DO NOT APPROVE OF THEM. I CANNOT FUCKING DRAW. PUT ME DOWN. I DONT FEEL THE SILLY IN ME.
#If I had the fucking time to draw at home my life would be sparkles and glitter#I feel like my skills are falling away from my grasp#Bc wdym I was fr cooking before I came back to school and now this junk happens#I’m probably just out of energy from everything that’s been going on in my school#And I think I said som in the tags of one of my latest posts about a new girl in class that’s funny n shi. Well she isn’t.#I’m starting to hate her bc she’s cringe and quirky as hell but not in an actually funny way it’s just annoying#And she’s always cutting me and other people off in irl convos and acting like the goofy main character#While also being so unbelievably stupid like we have to repeat things to her over and over again and it’s just. So much.#I feel bad for being an absolute hater but she’s genuinely becoming more and more insufferable and it’s just her second week here#Idk how my friends put up w her but I look at their faces and I can tell they’re done w her sometimes#It’s not that she’s a bad person she’s just. So cringe. In a bad way. Not in a “let people be cringe” cringe way. Just cringe.#Like I swear she’s an absolute ditz#Or whatever the word is in english#Why am I just hating on this random girl nobody on here knows irl mb but I had to get it out 😭#Ugghhhhhhggg I’m sorry for not posting anything too interesting chat#I know I technically do post quite often but I don’t feel as artistically satisfied with myself as I felt before#oh and I’m also going to try reaching out to some teachers I kinda trust ab how I feel mentally and shi#Maybe they’ll talk to me#i hope they do#I just don’t feel like myself anymore it’s like I’m two entirely different people online and irl#im so much more open online and irl I’m like an actual nobody. Not degradingly I’m seriously just not sociable 😭#But ummm yeah whatevz I guess#vent#vent post#personal rant
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staaaaares off into the void
#officially spiraling again 🙃#bad thoughts everywhere about my inability to be a human and fear of that never changing#everyone around me can make it work can have lives can hold jobs and not want to kill themselves#why can't i lmfoafksjdhfs#um. yeah. idk. i have counselling on tuesday i think so i'm tryin to just hold on til then#but i'm also out of my antidepressants and the pharmacy has gone over the max 72 hrs without an update on my renewal request#had to take half my dose today so i have half for tomorrow too#so i'm probably gonna feel even worse for the next couple days 🙃🙃🙃#gonna look at doing some writing to distract myself + focus on good things#but i promise nothing idk how it's gonna go#and i'll probably be quiet when it comes to dms even though i just started catching up#bc being social just sounds like too much for me to handle today. sorry ;n;#i'll be fine!!!! promise i'm not like. Planning anything. just needed to vent a little#and as always i feel the need to explain my absence from dms bc god forbid someone misunderstand me that's apparently one of my worst fears#and deepest traumas lmaooooooooo... fuck#sorry. SORRY. sorry for the negative crying on the dash i just genuinely don't have anywhere else to spew it until tuesday (':#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.#suicidal ideation cw#personal cw#vent cw#negative cw
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….
okay quick little rant cuz i’ve gone from feeling hurt to now just kinda pissed off.
i’m sure it’s been spurred on by the anxiety of her first christmas with the extended family being out, but my sister has been unnecessarily dismissive of both my feelings and my asexuality today and i’m so over it.
first it was the jabs at lunch- “exie’s an incel” or “well i’m weird/struggle with conversations and *i’ve* never had a problem getting partners”- like fuck right the fuck off?? sorry i don’t connect with people the same way you do. sorry i feel a little jaded because i am constantly never good enough for anyone. sure, she’s probably right in that i just haven’t found the right person i click with but she could’ve just left it at that? instead of insinuating there is something wrong with me or just straight up insulting everyone i’ve ever attempted to date.
and then joking around with her girlfriend this evening and tried to include me in it- “exie did you know condoms are bad for you don’t use them” (this is 100% a joke, they are both safe-sex advocates they were just being shitheads)
and i fired back with “good to know. don’t really want to be in a situation where one would be needed but thanks” cuz like. i am ace and have zero interest in sex. the longer i go and the more I understand my own feelings the less desire i have to ever sleep with anyone ever again.
and my sister just responds with “oh my god just fuck a woman already” and. that’s not the fucking problem here??? i don’t want to fuck anyone!! i don’t give a shit what their gender is!!! sex is off the damn table.
idk. i’m still hurt over the comments from lunch but now i’m just feeling it as anger and frustration.
#exie vents#this was not a quick rant. i lied i’m sorry#but like. i’m actually so angry. and i know i need to have a proper adult convo with her about this#because i do not ever want her to make comments like that again#i was. a little caught off guard by how badly they hurt my feelings but i genuinely cannot stop crying every time i think about it#and i hate that i can’t be left alone. always getting advice or suggestions about finding a partner#maybe i don’t want one! i genuinely don’t feel an urge to be with anyone#i go for the occasional match on hinge. may go on the occasional date. but i do not give. a fuck anymore#i’m happy to live my life alone. i can do whatever i want whenever i want. i am content#<- not content at this moment but overall? i’m good#i never ever think ‘i wish i had someone to share this with’
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