byanyan

[byanyan]

pauses game update download hoping that starting it again will help fix the download speed

update goes from 80% complete to 10%

🙃🙃🙃

[byanyan]

your unreliable narrator fucking bit me

[byanyan]

wholesumvalues

tagged by: @violetgleams ♡♡♡

[byanyan]

byan + text posts (3/??)

[byanyan]

ㅤlost in their own little world, caught up in the powerful feeling of freedom that only racing across the rooftops far above the mundanity of every day life could ever give them, the sound of a voice catches byan by surprise. brought to a screeching halt that very nearly sends them toppling over, they turn in the direction of the disturbance, arms outstretched to maintain their balance and chest heaving. startled though they may be, the compliment of applause still goes straight to their ego, pulling forth a crooked and vaguely cocky grin.

ㅤㅤ"should i be in school? sure, yeah, i prob'ly should be. but i've never really liked doin' what i'm told." chalking the strangeness of his speech up to english probably not being the guy's first language, the teen doesn't bother calling attention to it. rolling a single shoulder in a shrug, a glint of deviousness enters their eyes. "an' if i was runnin' from someone, i sure as hell wouldn't'a bothered stoppin'. 'fact, i prob'ly woulda kicked your ass off the nearest ledge on my way past as a distraction." a joke. ...maybe. pausing, byan takes a moment to give the stranger a once-over, sizing him up. "—why, you wouldn't tell anyone that y'saw me up here, would ya?"

@byanyan

"You're fast as hell!" Ras was enjoying his coffee on this rooftop uninterrupted until the noise of running footfalls caught his attention. He turned in time to see one hell of a jump, and he was quick to his feet, all sharp-toothed grin and golf-claps- about all his hold on his coffee can afford. "Speedy for a little human!" Viks is many things. Subtle is not among them. Even now, trying to pass as one, he sees no need to mind his words. "Shouldn't you be in the schools, or...doing the child labors?" That's one way to ask why they're up here. The Hound takes another ship of his latte (hazelnut, oat milk), dark eyes curious. "Running from someone, or running for the joy of the thing?"

[byanyan]

ㅤany question of whether or not they were simply imagining things was instantly put to rest with the exhaled korean and explosion of tears. it was her, it was actually her. a decade on, belief that they'd ever see each other again long since shattered, and here she fucking was.

a flurry of confusing and conflicted emotions swirled and howled in byan's chest, and the hurricane of hurried apologies that tumbled from ellie's lips at the same time didn't exactly help to clear things up. a sense of betrayal, a feeling of anger concealing a deep despair for having been left behind and abandoned by one of the two people they'd ever believed would never do such a thing to them pulled them one way, tried to convince them they shouldn't even hear him out, that they should show him the door and say good riddance because they didn't need all these long dormant emotions drudged back to the surface so suddenly and unexpectedly. tugging them in the opposite direction, however, was an overwhelming relief and joy to see the person their thoughts still regularly wandered to after all these years, to see her alive and well and looking almost exactly like they remembered. and how often had those thoughts turned to daydreaming of a scene just like this? of crossing paths out of seemingly nowhere, of being able to reconnect and rekindle a friendship that had been so much more than just that? that was the sort of shit that only happened in movies, they'd always told themself. a too good to be true fate kinda bull that made them want to barf when it happened in any piece of media.

and yet, here she fucking was, like a stupid fucking dream come true.

you should be pissed, the cynical and scorned part of their mind snarled. he left you. he left you and couldn't even be bothered to keep you from falling out of touch. byan paid these thoughts little mind though, refused to get caught up in them and thus didn't let themself think about it for so much as a second longer. without warning, without an ounce of care about professionalism, the sole of their boot found the flat surface of the desk as they clambered over it rather than walking around. unable to even wait as long as it would take to get their feet back on the ground, their ass dropped square onto the barrier between the reception area and the waiting room, arms outstretched and wrapping around ellie's shoulders to pull him in against their chest.

ㅤㅤ" what the fuck. "ㅤdisbelief spoken on a breath, the words trembled.ㅤ" what the fuck. "ㅤeyes squeezing shut upon the belated realization that they too had started crying at some point without noticing, they buried their face in elinor's shoulder and pulled their arms even tighter around her. he had had some time to at least slightly prepare for seeing them again; they had been caught completely by surprise and off guard.ㅤ" i thought i'd never see you again. what the fuck. "

ellie had spent years of his life daydreaming about reuniting with byan, tracing the slightly faded but still-there stick-and-poke tattoo on her ankle, or continuing to hoard kuromi merchandise just because it made her think of them. the past few weeks it had driven him to the point of distraction, living in the idea of making everything right. and yet, now he was stood here, and he'd anticipated every emotion: the joy, the guilt, the fear. the fear that they'd grown too far apart, that she'd lost that friendship and reaching out would only hurt worse than parting the first time. she'd considered it all. except what she'd say if it was them.

their voice pulled her gaze away from the flash sheets she'd been admiring, bringing his head forward as byan brought their eyes to hers. and it was byan. talking the way they always had, eyes as expressive and powerful as ever. they'd grown up. they looked well. like they'd got a full night's sleep. they were real, they were here. 

"oh, thank fuck." the words tumbled out in korean and elinor promptly burst into tears. apologies are muffled behind his hands, now covering her entire face to wipe the tears away and pull herself together. apologies for turning up unannounced, apologies for leaving a decade ago, apologies for failing to stay in touch (though that was hardly in either of their control). "i'm making a scene, sorry, i thought coming in after a night shift was a good idea, so i wouldn't psych myself out in case it wasn't you, if i just wanted it too much, but maybe i should have slept." he shook his head, as if that would shake the rambling words out of her head, and as she does, byan's voice registers. it's not fair, perhaps, to assume that there should be a smile. it's not fair of elinor, perhaps, to internalise their shock as rejection. but it's not something he has any control over and it hurts. at least she's better at handling it. preparing his own heart to break on the way in meant it was ready to do just that as ellie wiped at her face again. 

"i was looking into getting a tattoo and i'm working at powell community, just a few blocks away? i didn't know if it was you, none of the pictures on the insta..." ellie trailed off, the feeling of talking far too much taking over, driving him to silence, to not add how badly she'd hoped it was them, but also holding back an offer to leave, if they wanted. 

[byanyan]

ok so i think my spoons have in fact been depleted for the day but i don't have any other plans for the rest of the week, so!!! many opportunities to get some writing done hehe

also, what with all the panic about whether tumblr's gonna last much longer or not... i mean, i'm here 'til the site goes under (or all of u leave and i follow), but i do have a pillowfort where i'll probably end up moving byan if shit truly does go sideways. also got discord which mutuals are free to add me on (i can be the slowest and most inconsistent at replying tho, u've been warned):

[byanyan]

what does your soul look like?

the broken mirror

You are the rebel. You are the one who refused to fit into the box. They broke you because you refused to conform, but they never expected you to turn your shattered pieces into sharp edges aimed for their throats. They will face your pointed fragments and see their own reflection in your ruin. You are a reckoning. You are the threat of a future unsuited for weak minds. How unfortunate it is that your existence is solitary. That you cut everyone who comes close. Maybe one day someone will show you how to be something besides a weapon. Maybe one day they will help you put your pieces back together to see yourself as a person instead of a cause for once.

tagged by: @violetgleams & @saturnmused ty!!! ♡♡♡

[byanyan]

son acquired

[byanyan]

saw a new doctor who like. actually took it a little more seriously and asked questions when i said that i think i'm autistic (and i answered them terribly bc i wasn't prepared and am Terrible at expressing myself the way i need to). but it still boiled down to "even if you are autistic, even if you could pull up a binder of evidence for it, i'm not qualified to diagnose you" and just continuing on with my medication, counselling, and coping tools that i'm trying to develop and use.

still better than the "well you're sitting here communicating with me so even if you are autistic it's clearly not impacting you severely" but still. kinda frustrating in a "i hate the fucking medical system" sort of way lmao,,,

[byanyan]

i spent more time on this than i should have and i'm sorry

[byanyan]

°ㅤ𝙷𝙾𝚆 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙼𝚄𝚂𝙴 𝙲𝙰𝚁𝚁𝚈 𝙴𝙼𝙾𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽 ? please repost , don’t reblog ! bold / italicize what applies accordingly .

『 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 . 』    jaw clenching ,   hands balling into fists ,   teeth grinding,  yelling ,   going nonverbal ,   vocalizations ,   stuttering speech ,   rushed speech ,   slow concise speech ,   rambling ,   quiet ,   arms crossing ,   shaking head ,   curling lip upwards ,   baring teeth ,   tearing up ,   animated ,   expressionless ,   projects ,   internalizes ,   vents ,   withdraws ,   tighter movements ,   passive-aggressive ,   direct ,   physical outbursts ,   verbal outbursts ,   pacing ,   going still ,   anger boils over in the heat of the moment but cools down quickly afterwards ,   anger brews slowly but lingers longer ,   will act out of impulse when angry ,   will stew on their anger and plot revenge ,   holds grudges ,   forgives easily ,   forgives but never forgets

『 𝒋𝒐𝒚 . 』   easy smiles ,   fighting back grins ,   suppressed laughter ,   loud laughter ,   giggles ,   chuckling ,   smirks ,   whole body laughs ,   covers mouth when laughing/giggling ,   throws head back when laughing ,   slaps leg ,   touches people around them when laughing ,   looks down when laughing ,   looks for eye contact when laughing ,   sparkling eyes ,   bubbly happiness ,   quiet subtle happiness ,   obnoxious happiness ,   wants to spread joy ,   quietly savors joy

『 𝒔𝒂𝒅𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 . 』   crying ,   bottling it up ,   seeking distractions ,   wallowing ,   meditating and processing ,   avoidance ,   seeking out comfort ,   withdrawing ,   swallowing thickly ,   talking it out ,   internalizing it ,   sad smiles ,   depression naps ,   using alcohol ,   using drugs ,   seeking out sources of joy ,   fidgets with sentimental item ,   sits in silence ,   broods ,   gets moody ,   wants someone to share the misery ,   tries to hide negative emotions ,   nurtures others to make themselves feel better

『 𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕     /     𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒎𝒆 . 』    blushing ,   looking away ,   rubbing at the back of the head ,   running a hand through hair ,   clearing throat ,   covering the face ,   laughing nervously ,   laughing it off ,   overthinking ,   letting it go ,   self-deprecating humor ,   deflecting ,   getting irritated ,   smiling ,   withdraws ,   crossing arms over the stomach ,   crossing arms over chest ,   hands in pockets ,   shoulders sinking ,   shrugs ,   falling into silence until comfortable again ,   talking a lot to compensate

『 𝒈𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒕 . 』   avoiding eye contact ,   shoulders sinking low ,   head hanging down ,   crying ,   chest aches ,   lashing out ,   internalizing ,   apologizing ,   deflecting ,   communicating ,   withdrawing ,   grand gestures for forgiveness ,   accepting fault easily ,   punishing themselves ,   martyrdom ,   victim complex ,   over-active guilt complex ,   healthy conscience ,   internalizes even after forgiveness ,   seeking redemption ,   moves on easily ,   denial ,   shuts off empathy to cope ,   lack of guilt / conscience ,   sorry they got caught more than caused harm ,   can’t handle knowing they hurt others

『 𝒇𝒆𝒂𝒓     /     𝒂𝒏𝒙𝒊𝒆𝒕𝒚 . 』   trembling ,   crying ,   sarcasm / sass to cope ,   humour to cope ,   rambles ,   going quiet ,   going nonverbal ,   getting angry ,   fidgeting ,   freezing up ,   impatience ,   clenching jaw ,   picking at nails ,   chewing at the lip ,   pulling at clothes ,   adjusting jewelry / clothing / hair ,   b ,   swallowing thickly ,   eyes widening ,   over - reacts ,   under - reacts ,   calm ,   logical ,   panic ,   irrational ,   overthinks ,   carefully analyzes ,   talk to themselves ,   breathing exercises ,   flight ,   fight ,   withdraw ,   fawn

tagged by: @nightingeal ♡♡♡

[byanyan]

doing risky shit because you lowkey wanna die

[byanyan]

ㅤit was a day like any other; sleep through their alarm, spend too long on their makeup even after waking up so late, press a kiss to sol's cheek as they raced past him in their hurry out the door, arrive to work late; rinse, repeat. an oh-so-familiar routine, and yet it was one they'd come to find great comfort in despite their ever-restless spirit.

a day like any other without anything out of the ordinary going on. —or, that was what byan thought as they scrambled out of the break room at the sound of the shop's door opening and a customer's voice, freshly poured cup of coffee in their hand threatening to spill with each of their erratic movements.

ㅤㅤ" 'm here, 'm here— "ㅤwith the receptionist on her break and the sound of their name coming out of the customer's mouth, they might as well be the one to handle this, right? they didn't notice anything at first, free hand running through tousled hair that they hadn't even had a chance to pull back yet as they approached the front desk without so much as paying the newcomer a glance.

ㅤㅤ" you're lookin' for me, s'at what i heard? sorry, i— "ㅤsentence breaking abruptly when, finally, they lifted their head to glance up at the new client, the sight left their mouth hanging open as the words died on their tongue. that face... that face was so strikingly familiar that it was as if someone had sucker punched them square in the gut — their breath was knocked right out of them and all they could do was stare in wide-eyed shock.

they hadn't seen each other since high school, and her face had matured over the years, but they'd recognize him anywhere. there was no mistaking it — not unless they were hallucinating, anyway — there would never be any mistaking it: elinor fucking rhodes. —there was no way this was real, right? she was in korea! there was no fucking way that after all these years, after all the failed attempts to remain in contact, that he was standing there in the tattoo shop. that was some stupid movie shit that was too good to be true, so maybe— maybe it was their mind playing tricks on them? a face similar enough that it triggered all the emotions tied to a lost friend and clouded their perception. right? ...right?

despite the way their brain was backflipping away from all logic in an effort to avoid the obvious truth, a grief which had gone undealt with for years tugged in their chest, louder then any mental gymnastics could ever be. they always had been ruled by their emotions. against their better judgement, almost before they could even stop themself, the name passed through their lips on a voice uncharacteristically meek;

ㅤㅤ" ...ellie? "

🕊️ @byanyan – plotted starter.

never let it be said that elinor doesn't do his research, and she walked past this tattoo parlour almost every day. it looked clean when he glanced in; the reviews were superb; and instagram showed her an art style that filled his heart with a bittersweet nostalgia. it had to be this parlour, he'd decided. it all lined up a little too perfectly for even the most skeptical part of her mind to deny some sort of universal aligning. it had to stop there, though. he didn't know enough about art to assume that byan's style had matured into the tattoos she'd been obsessively investigating for the past two weeks. couldn't know they were in the same city as her now. hopelessly hopeful, the heartbreak of walking in and finding anyone but her old best friend might kill her. 

and anyway, this was just popping in for a chat. so why did every step away from the hospital deepen the pit in ellie's stomach? chill the fuck out, rhodes. you thought yourself into this spiral, think yourself out of it before you throw up. suddenly he wished he'd changed out of his scrubs before walking home, morning sun reflecting off windows, the city more than awake as rush hour slipped away into mid-morning busyness. popping in after a night shift was elinor's plan to take the pressure off, but as she approached, she knew it hadn't worked. his hopes were sky high. he readied his heart to break and pushed the door open. 

"morning!" ellie called into the shop, looking around, eyes far too optimistic for someone simply looking to discuss a tattoo design. oh, why the hell not- "i'm looking for a tattoo artist who goes by the name byan. or might not, actually i don't know. but, if they do, am i in the right place?"

[byanyan]

okay... didn't get as much done as i wanted to, but the sadness is creeping back in so i think... i'm gonna go play some rivals for a bit for a more complete distraction lmao...

counselling tomorrow, but if i get home early enough and have the spoons i might see about actually taking a crack at replying to some drafts. thank you all once again for your immense patience with me, as well as your continued interest in my little freak of a muse. means a lot ♡♡♡

[byanyan]

you look like whatever you're about to do is premeditated and i'm going to have to bail you out in 6 hours-

you look like you...ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ∘ ˚ ( accepting )

ㅤㅤ" maaaaaybe... "ㅤall sing-song-y voice and coy giggles and kicking feet, the crooked, devilish grin set across their features looks wildly out of place with the rest of the energy they're bringing.ㅤ" though, i gotta say, i'm kinda offended that y'think i'm gonna get caught. have a little faith, el! been runnin' from cops in platform boots the size of your head since we were fourteen, i got this shit under control. "

[byanyan]

you look like you need a step-ladder down there (i, venus, am so sorry)

you look like you...ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ∘ ˚ ( accepting )

ㅤwhat the actual fuck. stunned into silence, although only for a moment, they stare at ellie with wide, affronted eyes.

ㅤㅤ" oh really? well you look like you're gonna be needin' some crutches in a minute when i drag your smug ass down t' my level. "