#sometimes I hate being autistic
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iwillstabyou · 7 months ago
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I’m listening to Hozier and I’m feeling emotions I didn’t think even existed
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jainkoa · 1 year ago
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I had a dream last night that I had a group of friends that actually cared about me and then I woke up feeling sad because I know I’ll never ever get to experience that feeling ever again
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t5t · 3 months ago
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im receiving so many asks and it's not a problem but i wish i could offer moral comfort as well. unfortunately the Autism™ makes me terrible at it
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lazycranberrydoodles · 1 year ago
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english translation book 5 baby we are in the ‘people assuming kid form hua cheng is xie lian’s son’ era 🔥🔥🔥 / follow for more hualian silliness
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okay I know this won’t come out worded like how it is in my brain but do any other autistic people suck at like… properly conversing with people? Like, you know what you want to say but it comes out sounding stupid or dragging on and you can FEEL the disinterest, you can FEEL that you are ruining the conversation and they’re getting tired of it and oh no they’re getting bored but you don’t know how to FIX IT so the words just keep flowing till they forcibly shut you off and you end up with a gnawing feeling of misunderstanding and guilt?
or is this just a me thing ahaha
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inkskinned · 9 months ago
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crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.
i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.
in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.
i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.
i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.
plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.
the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.
we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.
i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.
a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.
today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.
loved beyond thinking.
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heartscrypt · 2 years ago
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the softer side of things
(aka i feel like i always make jamil so pissed at azul in my art that i just wanted them to have some silly cutesy moments LOL)
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salemontrial · 7 months ago
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Why the FUCK didn't Sasha apologize to Quinni.
#no im so pissed about that.#dude you don't give an autistic person a meltdown that big over something that hurtful#and just#walk away scot free#last time someone gave me a meltdown that hardcore I cut them off for a month.#that might just be the bpd tho#but still#quinni doesn't seem like the type to just. be chill without an apology and hearing sasha explain herself#and then she makes her her vice??????????#she already acknowledged sasha is only in it for the power trip#sasha didn't even do anything in the investigation she just followed quinni around#which as she should#but she hasn't made up for how she treated quinni AT ALL#in fact she's just gotten MORE of a performative activist#like why the fuck was she such a bitch to missy abt spider#i get it yea. ur friends sometimes have dogshit taste in men but you don't need to make them feel like trash abt it#and the way she was like 'he fetishizes u for being black omg its probably asian girls next omg i dont feel safe'#THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU????????.#also she 100% jumpstarted quinnis identity crisis#with how she was constantly switching between infantilizing her and undermining her autonomy over her own decisions#and treating doing things quinni wanted to do and the specific way she needed to do them as a chore#and then victimizing herself!!!!!!!#like from experience that relationship dynamic IS abusive to autistic people it just is#idk if nt people get it but it's really fucking awful to come from your partner#anyway. until sasha apologizes to both quinni and missy this will continue to be a sasha hate page.#heartbreak high#heartbreak high season 2#quinni gallagher jones#sasha so#missy beckett
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aster-is-confused · 11 months ago
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curious about something
self dx/suspected autism counts in this poll. reblog if you want, it'll help a lot with my very unofficial science lol
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slime-crafters · 5 months ago
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Out of all the people to hate in Pelican Town (cough pierre cough), hating Demetrius seems like a wild choice
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buggbuzz · 21 days ago
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alexithymia is crazy bro. gaslighted my autistic ass into thinking i didnt have to worry abt that shit cause im pretty emotionally intelligent but recently ive been thinking and like. yeah lol i dont get excited over things that are objectively exciting and i dont get upset when something should piss me off, but maybe hours later on i'll get amped up or upset about it. i dont get very emotionally invested in things either. i literally only experience my vague background mood, super strong emotions, and feelings that are congruent with what im thinking. like, my thoughts are angry about something, so i can feel angry about it. but if there's a cognitive dissonance between my thoughts and my emotions, i won't really experience the emotions.
but like the emotions are still there, so wells of resentment can still build up until i explode out of nowhere, or i won't realize i'm romantically attracted to someone but i'll still act very gay without realizing it until later lol (which makes figuring our whether you want to date someone VERY HARD btw😭)
anytime people are excited to see my reaction to something i groan internally because i know im not gonna have a strong emotional reaction to it so i'll have to play it up for their sake cause i know how fun it is to show friends things.
i also realized yesterday that maybe this is the reason i get so easily overwhelmed and stressed by literally so much, even if its not that big of a deal or actually a good thing, cause i don't feel those positive emotions or excitement, but i do very clearly feel the stress about new things to deal with. and so there's no excitement/sadness/anger to counterbalance the stress of "New Things and Uncomfortable Situations" which means i have no motivation to follow through and a lot of motivation to avoid it.
like, if someone was like, "dude your favorite thing is happening in this place!!!" there's a very muffled oh wow that sounds so fun and exciting i would love to see that that i cant even feel at the moment and a very LOUD but then i have to go outside and have everyone staring at me and i have to disrupt my schedule and go to this new place with new things and so i end up with this net result of "that sounds like hell" because the excitement doesn't show up to make it feel like it's worth it
ive also just never been the type to care about holidays or outings which does not help💀
anyways not sure to do with this but i feel like understanding this was the next step to getting more control over my life so 💪💪💪 we will figure it out!
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thetisming · 3 months ago
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i am so so so so so sick of having to see &j hate in it's tag and i am mentally murdering this person i hate this post so much!!!!! sorry that Darren (teenager) and May (barely an adult) were Energetic and Loud and Had Fun and were Kind Of Effeminate. jesus fucking christ. Darren is literally a teenager and May is like in their early 20s. jesus christ. i hate people so much this post is so fucking dumb and stupid and im killing them and everyone and myself and i hate this!!!!!!
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autisticlee · 5 months ago
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no one knows just how hard I work at things. how I have to work 1000000x more than the average person to compensate for being autistic and adhd and probably other things i'm working out with therapist, and having a sort of physical disability i've not received any help or treatment for. everyone assumes I don't try or give up too soon. they think I just started, need more practice. they think I expect everything handed to me immediately with no work or effort and don't acknowledge the multiple years i've put into things. they think I have no right to be upset about still failing to get where I want even after working my entire life to get there, while watching people around me surpass even my meager goals within a fraction of the time and work i've out into the same thing. constantly getting surpassed by everyone around me who seem to barely do any work to get there compared to me. it's all handed to them and falls into their lap so easily. all because they don't have the extra obstacles to overcome and work around that I do. while they go from point A to Z immediately with no major stops in between, I have to go through every single letter and then some, often getting sent back to the start. but it's always *my* fault, according to everyone. it's not the fault of those around me who ignore me, don't support me, don't help me, don't believe in me, etc. it's my fault they don't do those things. because doing the work of 10 people in one isn't enough, just because it's me. and not reaching Z as fast as everyone else means I don't deserve any of the support or help or anything else and means i'm not trying hard enough. it doesn't matter that I *need* to work harder than 100 "normal" people combined to get even half the result! Just because I can't reach what they do means i'm not trying hard enough! ugh.
#it's like they WANT me to give up!#they sure act like i'm not trying to give up/not trying if I mention how hard it is/how i'm upset I cant reach my goals after years of work#if someone tells me to just do the thing/stop giving up/try harder/practice more/it takes time/dont expect it to be handed to you/etc#ONE MORE TIME. im going to fucking lose it. in fact im losing it right now hence the rant im writing!!!!!!!#can someone for once tell me its ok to feel frustrated and they know how hard i work and try and deserve better or something idk#ugh i hate this life. sometimes i hate being neurodivergent because it stops me from doing all the things i want#and no one is willing to help because they blame me and say im not trying hard enough when EXISTING takes more work than they realize!#for fuck sake im losing my mind here. not having any support and not being able to support yourself because none of your needs get met#and you have to try to do life with higher support needs and are denied any support. its so fucking hard. idk what to do#lee rants#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#and probably other things that could be tagged but im exhasuted. writing this was hard and took so much energy to make words happen#words hard. how get across what want to say?????? dont know#but why is it always dismissive comments and no one offering any actual help or support that would benefit me in any way#but everyone else gets so many opportunities and support? i guess if you need extra support you arent worth anything#IM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FEEL BAD. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DISMISSING MY FEELINGS AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT FEELING BAD.#WHAT DO YOU WANT AND EXPECT FROM ME FOR FUCK SAKE. HOW DOES ONE TRY HARDER THAN THEIR BEST!!!#HOW DOES ONE DO SOMETHING THEY PHYSICALLY CANT IF THEY ARENT ALLOWED THE HELP AND SUPPORT REQUIRED?!#HOW DO YOU EXPECT A BIRD TO FLY IF IT WAS BORN WITHOUT WINGS#ok im done
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piplupod · 4 months ago
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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birdricks · 1 year ago
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birdrick withdrawals.
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crabussy · 1 year ago
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everyone in my school loves to scream as louyd as they can on purpose to hurt me just because they can
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