#sometimes I hate being autistic

[iwillstabyou]

I’m listening to Hozier and I’m feeling emotions I didn’t think even existed

[jainkoa]

I had a dream last night that I had a group of friends that actually cared about me and then I woke up feeling sad because I know I’ll never ever get to experience that feeling ever again

[mrslittletall]

I have to run an errand today that should have been done yesterday. My day is RUINED.

[lazycranberrydoodles]

english translation book 5 baby we are in the ‘people assuming kid form hua cheng is xie lian’s son’ era 🔥🔥🔥 / follow for more hualian silliness

[honeysucklethornsandalligtrhorns]

okay I know this won’t come out worded like how it is in my brain but do any other autistic people suck at like… properly conversing with people? Like, you know what you want to say but it comes out sounding stupid or dragging on and you can FEEL the disinterest, you can FEEL that you are ruining the conversation and they’re getting tired of it and oh no they’re getting bored but you don’t know how to FIX IT so the words just keep flowing till they forcibly shut you off and you end up with a gnawing feeling of misunderstanding and guilt?

or is this just a me thing ahaha

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

[cb-writes-stuff]

“You can’t enjoy being neurodivergent/disabled/having X disorder if it makes you suffer so much! How dare you be making jokes about it!!!” Well you see, your bad days only suck a little bit so you don’t appreciate the good days very much. My bad days suck so much worse, so I only appreciate the good days that much more to compensate.

[javierduffy]

but when they're out on that river bank alone, what javier should be loyal to doesn't feel as confusing anymore

[heartscrypt]

the softer side of things

(aka i feel like i always make jamil so pissed at azul in my art that i just wanted them to have some silly cutesy moments LOL)

[salemontrial]

Why the FUCK didn't Sasha apologize to Quinni.

[slime-crafters]

Out of all the people to hate in Pelican Town (cough pierre cough), hating Demetrius seems like a wild choice

[buggbuzz]

alexithymia is crazy bro. gaslighted my autistic ass into thinking i didnt have to worry abt that shit cause im pretty emotionally intelligent but recently ive been thinking and like. yeah lol i dont get excited over things that are objectively exciting and i dont get upset when something should piss me off, but maybe hours later on i'll get amped up or upset about it. i dont get very emotionally invested in things either. i literally only experience my vague background mood, super strong emotions, and feelings that are congruent with what im thinking. like, my thoughts are angry about something, so i can feel angry about it. but if there's a cognitive dissonance between my thoughts and my emotions, i won't really experience the emotions.

but like the emotions are still there, so wells of resentment can still build up until i explode out of nowhere, or i won't realize i'm romantically attracted to someone but i'll still act very gay without realizing it until later lol (which makes figuring our whether you want to date someone VERY HARD btw😭)

anytime people are excited to see my reaction to something i groan internally because i know im not gonna have a strong emotional reaction to it so i'll have to play it up for their sake cause i know how fun it is to show friends things.

i also realized yesterday that maybe this is the reason i get so easily overwhelmed and stressed by literally so much, even if its not that big of a deal or actually a good thing, cause i don't feel those positive emotions or excitement, but i do very clearly feel the stress about new things to deal with. and so there's no excitement/sadness/anger to counterbalance the stress of "New Things and Uncomfortable Situations" which means i have no motivation to follow through and a lot of motivation to avoid it.

like, if someone was like, "dude your favorite thing is happening in this place!!!" there's a very muffled oh wow that sounds so fun and exciting i would love to see that that i cant even feel at the moment and a very LOUD but then i have to go outside and have everyone staring at me and i have to disrupt my schedule and go to this new place with new things and so i end up with this net result of "that sounds like hell" because the excitement doesn't show up to make it feel like it's worth it

ive also just never been the type to care about holidays or outings which does not help💀

anyways not sure to do with this but i feel like understanding this was the next step to getting more control over my life so 💪💪💪 we will figure it out!

[soviet-siscon]

and now my mum is grumpy at me too, great :(

[justagaymoth]

Sometimes I wish I was nuerotypical and orcompletely allo. I can handle being aspec if I wasn't wired abnormally. I wish I could want friends. I wish I could not get so exhausted in group conversations that after they end I can barely talk. I wish I could read normally because I love reading and stories but sometimes I just can't read and or comprehend. I hate having dyslexia I wish I could be a full time writer but I know that's not possible. I can barely write for a whole hour let alone 8 to 12 hours. I think I could handle being aro if I wasn't aplatonic and autistic. I could be okay with not liking romance IRL if I could love friends and have friends. Every time I try to have a friend I feel guilty because I don't love or like them or I really love them and want to kiss them. I love myself I just wish I could love others like I love myself. I'm so bad at communicating normally. I wish I was normal.

[iwillstabyou]

Ahhhh well if it isn’t my old friend, the crushing feeling of never truly being understood despite your endless attempts to articulate yourself, paying me another visit

[docotokautism]

i am so so so so so sick of having to see &j hate in it's tag and i am mentally murdering this person i hate this post so much!!!!! sorry that Darren (teenager) and May (barely an adult) were Energetic and Loud and Had Fun and were Kind Of Effeminate. jesus fucking christ. Darren is literally a teenager and May is like in their early 20s. jesus christ. i hate people so much this post is so fucking dumb and stupid and im killing them and everyone and myself and i hate this!!!!!!