#sometimes I don’t have the energy for it / I’m not in the headspace to talk

[the-winds-of-destiny-xxx]

.

[winstonsns]

may i request the gang w a reader who has bpd? like, frequent mood swings, etc etc? tysm 💕

the gang with bpd!reader (request)

authors note: bpd stands for borderline personality disorder, in which the person has long patterns of unstable emotions. could last for weeks or even months, basically episodes. i’m not that educated on this subject, so sorry if this is offensive. enjoy 💗

includes ponyboy, johnny, soda, darry, dally, two-bit and steve

word count: 2.1k

warnings: depression, fights, slightly suggestive

PONYBOY CURTIS

you haven’t been in the right headspace for the past few weeks, so your grades started to slip

ponyboy would try and help you do your homework, even doing your homework for you but you wouldn’t have the energy to even try

but then, you had a test and you tried real hard to get a good grade, studying and stressing all over it for days

after you took the test and got your grade back, seeing it was an A, you suddenly felt better

at the end of the day, you and pony decided to go back to your house to study

he noticed you were talking more and laughing, so he asked you what happened

you smiled and told him you got a good grade on your test, for the first time in a while

you switched the topic and continued smiling, and pony looked at you with love

he was glad that you were feeling better, and he suspected you’d stay happy for weeks

he sometimes gets confused when you randomly switch but doesn’t say much about it

he’ll ask you about it later but not in the moment, especially if other people are there too

he knows you like it when he reads to you, so when you’re feeling upset, he’ll read to you so maybe you’ll feel better

he doesn’t want you to get frustrated if you’re not included in things, so he’ll always invite you to his track meets and will tell you about all the drama that happens if you don’t know about it

when you’re in a depressive state, he’ll help you plan things and start a routine

he just wants you to feel in control so you know what to do and have a sense of purpose

he also asks soda and darry for advice since they know you’re going through stuff, so occasionally they’ll help you out too

JOHNNY CADE

his parents were yelling at him so he went to your house, he knew his parents wouldn’t care

the only thing he was worried about was the fact that you were still in a depressive state, and he didn’t want you to feel more sad because of what he was going through

so when he knocked on your door and you answered, your eyes lit up and you smiled widely

he was shocked and didn’t know why you were so happy, but smiled back at you

you told him you were happy to see him unannounced, but asked why he came by

he told about what happened, so you invited him in and made cupcakes together

he knows what it’s like to be in a depressive state, so he’ll always try and help you feel in touch with the world

he tried to help you focus on things more and really take in information while paying attention

like focusing on how things move or sound, how strong smells are and how loud things are, how specific tastes are sweet, salty, hot, etc

when you’re happy, he tries to keep you like that by randomly checking up on you to see how you’re doing

he’ll also offer to do things for you like carrying or cleaning things for you

he just wants to make things easier for you, but of course that doesn’t always works

johnny loves you and makes sure you know it, always telling you you’re amazing and beautiful, that he appreciates everything you do, etc

SODAPOP CURTIS

you were at soda’s house, waiting for him to come back from work

you weren’t feeling that great but were trying your best to make him think you were at least feeling ok

when you hear the door opening and a creak, you look over to see soda with a dairy queen bag and two drinks

seeing his smile and the fact that he thought about you enough to bring you food made you switch

you got up from the chair and walked over to him, he put down the food

you put your hands and cradled his face while giving him a long kiss, then tracing your hand down his chest

after the two of you pulled away from the kiss, he looked down at you with a smile and said “glad you’re feeling better, sweetheart”

he’s naturally a very bubbly person and is a romantic at heart, you cannot change my mind

he literally worships the ground you walk on and will do that no matter how you’re feeling

if you’re feeling extra bad and hardly have the energy to get out of bed, he’ll take some days off work to spend more time with you

he just wants you to feel good but doesn’t always know how to handle it

he knows what it’s like to feel unheard, so he checks up on you a lot no matter how you’re feeling

when you’re happy, the two of you will go on cute little dates together

he’ll buy you a pretty necklace for your date and it’s an S for his name

when you’re angry, he’ll always try and calm you down without yelling

you try your best to not yell either since both of you know it doesn’t get you anywhere

DARRY CURTIS

you weren’t feeling that good for the past couple weeks ever since pony and johnny ran away

you stayed at darry’s house for a while, he was worried sick about the two boys

then you heard the phone ring, so you looked at darry, and he motioned you to go answer it

you got up off the counter and into the living room, where the phone was ringing loudly

picking up the phone, you said, “y/n l/n, what do you need?”

the person on the other end asked, “is darry curtis there? his brother and friend are in the hospital.”

your eyes went wide and you felt happy that the boys were back, but scared as to why they were in the hospital

you put the phone down without answering back, and ran to darry to tell him what had happened

he yelled for soda to come down since they had to go see pony and johnny in the hospital

he immediately went out the door and drove you two to the hospital, and you went to the floor where pony and johnny were

when you saw pony sitting on the chair, you smiled widely

darry was happy to see you feeling good again, but was still worried about why pony and johnny where there

he can get really impatient and frustrated with you at times but tries to stay calm because you can’t control how you act sometimes

most of the time, he knows when you’re struggling and tries to help you

so sometimes he’ll schedule an emergency therapy if you’re in a really bad mental state for whatever reason

he really cares about you but doesn’t always have the time or patience to try and reason with you

when you’re happy and feeling good, he’ll take you out to different places

sometimes it’s a restaurant and sometimes it’s just a little activity for you two to do together

he really likes cooking, so he’ll make food for you and will try new recipes

he’ll ask you to help him out with cooking since he knows you like to be a part of things

when you’re feeling sad, he tries to get you out of that mindset as soon as possible

he’ll still include you in hangouts in hope that you’ll feel better

DALLAS WINSTON

you were in one of your episodes, specifically one where you were mad all the time, which lasted for a few weeks

you knew you couldn’t do much about it, but dally would always try to get you out of the pissed off mindset

he always tried to make you feel better, even though most of the time, it wouldn’t do anything

he still wanted you to know he loves you, even if you wouldn’t appreciate it in the moment, you would appreciate it later when you were feeling better

today was your birthday, however, so dally took you out for dinner and actually paid

that got you out of your mad mindset, and he saw the moment you switched over to being happy

seeing that might’ve made him the happiest he’s ever been, knowing that he was the one to get you to switch over

you smiled and apologized for how you acted a few days ago, the two of you got into an argument

he brushed it off and said it was okay, and the two of you continued your dinner

when you were in your depressive episodes, he would help you shower, eat and go on walks since you hardly had the energy to get up

he would bathe you and buy you meals so you could eat

making you go outside at least every few days, the two of you would go on walks since he wanted you to get fresh air

when you were feeling mad, and you would feel that way for weeks, he would mostly stay away even though it was difficult for him

you were feeling happy and told him that if you were being all pissy at him, he should just not talk to you

you didn’t want to ruin your relationship or say something you didn’t mean, so you don’t him not to interact with you at those times

he still would, though, he would do little check ups on you to see if you were feeling okay, or if you wanted anything

if you were happy, he tried to keep you in that state for as long as he could

he thought you would stay happier if he gave you things, a lot of attention, and was overall with you more

it did work for a bit, until you randomly switched over, but he didn’t understand why

he would get impatient and frustrated with you at some points, but always managed to push through since he cared about you so much

TWO-BIT MATTHEWS

feeling bad the past couple weeks, two-bit decided to invite you to hang out with the gang

he just wants you to get some fresh air and to socialize with others, since you hadn’t in a few weeks

all of you were getting milkshakes at a diner and were talking

you drank a bit of your milkshake when two-bit started talking

then he made a joke about someone at another table, and of course everyone laughed, including you

he looked to you and smiled, weirdly proud of himself for getting you to feel better

he’d always try to make jokes even if you weren’t feeling the best

when you aren’t feeling that well, he’ll bring you to the drive-in so you can spend time together and just to try to help you feel better

STEVE RANDLE

the two of you were randomly talking while he was on his break at work, you decided to visit him at the DX

both of you were sitting down in the back, eating burgers and drinking soda

he asked you how school was going for you, and your eyes lit up

you started moving your hands around a lot and kicking your feet, talking about a fun project you were working on with your friends

he listened and continued asking questions in order to lengthen the conversation since you seemed excited

you didn’t think much about how you were down and now you were happy, so you started talking about some drama between a boy and girl in your class

he was normally the one to talk, but enjoyed hearing you talk more than you normally did

when you’re not feeling the best, he’ll bring you into the DX so you can help him fix up cars

it’s just a new thing for you to learn and to hang out with each other

he’s weirdly smart in some ways, so he’ll occasionally help you with history, since he was always into that

when you were feeling really happy, he’d invite you to hang out with the gang

he knew you appreciated it and would invite you whenever he could

(if you can’t tell, i never have ideas for steve so sorry)

authors note: sorry i’m posting this late! i hope you guys enjoyed reading, sorry if this was offensive or really unrealistic. i’m making a chocolate cake so maybe ill show you guys when im done :3💗

[borderlinereminders]

You mentioned in a post a couple days ago that you talk to your best friend every day but in your last post you mentioned that you have a friend that you feel too drained to talk to sometimes and I know this is my own insecurity but how can that be? If I’m the second friend to someone why am I less important?

There are a few reasons for me, anon. And none of them mean my other friend isn’t important to me.

My best friend doesn’t drain me the way most people do. Not even if she’s having a crisis. A lot of that is from being friends for over ten years and knowing so much about each other. But I don’t have to think a lot about everything I say/do with her. I can just be myself. I don’t feel a need to mask, and I don’t feel a need to filter myself. There is a lot of stuff about me and my interests/life that only she knows because a lot of people wouldn’t “get it”. And I’m safe to be myself with her. Even if I’m having bad recovery days. I never worry about feeling judged.

There are times we don’t agree on stuff but we always respect the other’s opinion. I know even if I accidentally say something wrong, she won’t lash out or get angry at me. If she feels a need to discuss it, it’s done in a calm way that is respectful of both our feelings.

She’s also come so far in her healing that there is no pressure on me to answer which helps a lot of the energy draining ironically? I feel more drained if there’s pressure. It’s not to say she never feels insecure, but she is so good at handling it herself sometimes. And if she does need reassurance, she asks me in a really healthy way and I’m more than happy to give it to her.

I think a lot of it is just that while having a safe space is nice, she’s kind of like my safe person?

My other friend is a great person and so compassionate. But she isn’t actively trying to recover, and she has a lot of behaviour she has to work on. This isn’t a moral failing or me thinking she’s a bad person or me judging her at all honestly. It’s just that I need to be in a specific headspace and have enough energy to be willing to engage with someone who I don’t feel cares to help themselves.

I also have other friends that don’t need to recover but we just aren’t as close. I don’t feel I can be myself so much. I feel I need to mask and filter everything I say and that takes active effort which takes energy. With my best friend, I don’t have to put any effort into doing any of that. I can just act around her the exact way I can when I’m alone which makes it easy.

This is about my very specific friendships and I don’t really know that any of it could be helpful to you. But I will say that my other friends are also important to me and I love them. And my love and closeness to my best friend doesn’t take away from any of that.

[thatmexisaurusrex]

🔥🔥🔥, please!

Make Me Write Monday

Nice! For my current WIP, my Buck 1.0/118!Tommy fic, The First Evan! Lol I know I'm only supposed to write three sentences. But I thought fuck it, and I'm going to give a spoiler to something in the fic and I'm writing more than three sentences for this. I'll put it under the read more just in case no one wants to be spoiled. The spoiler is intense and is a plot point that someone actually asked about in the comments of the last chapter 😂 so, you've been warned. Enjoy!

“What do you think is a good ‘I’m sorry for our last fight?’ wine?”

A lot of people randomly asked Tommy things. Tommy wasn’t sure if he just had the face of someone to pour out your soul to or if he had some sort of energy about him, but random strangers tended to ask him things often or began out of the blue conversations with him.

Tommy.

Didn’t particularly like that. He didn’t really like situations where he had to talk to random strangers when all he wanted to do was buy some nice beer for Maddie to celebrate her new place. Alas, such was life. And despite Tommy’s want to not engage in this conversation, Tommy glanced to the side to find the man who asked. He seemed… out of place. Something about him wasn’t quite California.

But.

Hey.

A lot of people moved to Los Angeles. Maybe Tommy was overthinking whatever feeling he was getting from this guy. It was probably nothing.

“Someone I know just moved into a new place and I want to mend some fences,” further explained the man.

“I, uh. I don’t actually know much about wine,” said Tommy, because he found himself drawn into these sorts of conversations even when he didn’t want to be in them, “But, uh. My friend Chimney knows wine pretty well – Chimney?”

Tommy looked around. He knew that Chimney was around here somewhere. Evan and Eddie were in the store too, but Tommy didn’t know if Evan or Eddie knew wine.

Chimney and Eddie popped their heads down the aisle, fancy cheeses and meats in hand. They tossed their charcuterie into the shopping cart as Chimney said, “What do you need, Tommy?”

“Oh. It’s me. Hi,” said the man as he extended a hand, “Jason Bailey. I was just looking for a good ‘I’m sorry wine’. Chimney, was it? And Tommy?”

Tommy.

Reluctantly shook the man’s hand. But then immediately felt the need to say, “I have a boyfriend already, sorry. And Chimney’s kind of – well you’re not with her. But you’re going out on a date soon, right?”

Because.

Maybe Tommy just read the room wrong here. Sometimes Tommy did. He didn’t always pick up what people were putting down for him. It happened enough for Tommy to at least need to clarify.

Chimney beamed at the mention of it.

The date.

“I mean, it’s only a first date. And I don’t want to pressure her or anything. Her last relationship ended pretty badly, so… we’re taking it slow,” gushed Chimney, “But we’ll see how it goes.”

“Eddie’s single, now, though. Recently single,” suggested Tommy.

Eddie laughed.

“No. I am – I’m not in the headspace to date anyone. And I don’t think you’re my type, honestly?” said Eddie apologetically, “Sorry, man.”

“That’s so cute. The date. Not the recent divorce. I’m not – this isn’t me hitting on anyone. I’m actually buying this for my wife. We’re, uh. In a bit of a rough patch. I’m trying to smooth some things over,” explained Jason.

“Didn’t you say the wine was for someone you know who just moved into a new place and you wanted to mend some fences with?” asked Tommy, a little confused.

Jason shrugged.

His eyes.

A little dead when they gazed at Tommy for a moment. Or. Or maybe Tommy was seeing things that weren’t actually happening, because it didn’t look like anyone else noticed that. Maybe Tommy was being hypersensitive because of how this was just giving him flashbacks.

“I did say it was an ‘I’m sorry for our last fight’ wine too,” Jason pointed out.

Something. Felt wrong about this.

It reminded Tommy of his mom. His mom getting presents when she still had a black eye. That apology tour his father always went on after a particularly heated argument of his own making.

And.

No.

Not everyone was like that… right?

“Separated, huh? Yeah. Been there. It’s rough. But sometimes, it’s good to give them the space. To figure themselves out,” said Eddie, a little – a little more at peace with his own divorce, “You can’t hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be with you.”

For a moment, Jason looked like he might break the bottle of wine in his hands. He might just break it on Eddie. And reflexively, Tommy found himself subtly stepping between Eddie and this random man.

Something about his eyes.

Some anger that went away just as fast as it came.

It.

It reminded Tommy of his dad.

Impulsive. Rage at the drop of a hat. A charming smile in public.

Tommy didn’t like this conversation.

Jason’s anger eased as quickly as it came. And Tommy wondered if he had just been seeing things. Reading into things. It wasn’t as if Eddie or Chimney reacted to Jason the same way. Neither of them were feeling that fight or flight response, that panic quickening Tommy’s heartbeat.

“I think she’d like to see me,” Jason said amicably.

And.

Tommy was probably overthinking things, right? He wasn’t sure if Jason noticed what Tommy had done. If that was an overstep on Tommy’s part. If he was just being overprotective over a friend who could most definitely handle himself in a fight and Tommy knew that.

Tommy.

Needed to not be here.

“I’m, uh. I’m not very useful in this conversation, anyway. I’m going to go find where Evan went off to,” said Tommy as he turned the cart around and left the aisle.

Left Eddie and Chimney with Jason.

And he felt terrible doing that. But he really needed to stop talking to that man.

[multiplicity-positivity]

ok so we're the sys from this ( https://www.tumblr.com/multiplicity-positivity/750380505657147392/h3y-so-l1k3-do-you-guys-t4k3-up-r3qu3sts-for?source=share )

do you think we could get some advice on how to boost connection to the headspace and/or communication? we're a proxy sys but we're very like. strung-out, i guess. no worries if not, of course

Hey, so we’ll do our best to answer both of these questions and talk about boosting connection to your system’s headspace, and boosting communication between system members.

When it comes to connecting with your headspace, we’d like to share a couple links that might help -

Our general post on headspaces, what they are, and how to build/maintain one (with some links to further reading):

And this post by @/humanheartharmonia with some advice from their own experience regarding headspaces:

We think this post ^ has some really handy and useful tips to help headmates connect with their headspace and visualize themselves within their headspace a bit better.

And as for boosting communication between system members… our best advice boils down to time, patience, practice, and self care.

Time: Most systems aren’t going to have amazing communication after just a few weeks of getting to know each other. We believe that for almost any system communication can improve, but it’s going to take time to get there. It could take anywhere from a few months to a few decades to get to a point where you can communicate with your headmates in the ways that you want to. So patience is key here.

Patience: Know that you might not be able to communicate perfectly with your headmates at first, and that’s okay. Don’t punish yourself or your system or talk down on anyone if y’all are getting frustrated, if it’s been a while since you’ve heard from each other, or if you’re feeling exhausted from spending too much time focusing on communication. Take breaks. Take deep breaths. Take things one day at a time. You’ll get there one day - don’t give up!

Practice: Try talking and listening to your headmates whenever you have the energy and cognitive bandwidth for it. Think about them, ask them how they’re doing, and just try to chat with them whenever you can. If things are hazy, foggy, or unclear, that’s okay. If you’re able to, we encourage you to just keep trying even when it’s difficult. Not every interaction between headmates will be distinct and crystal clear. Sometimes things get muddled or different headmates seem distant, and that’s okay. But the more your practice today, the easier it will be tomorrow. Practicing communication every day can help y’all build a solid foundation so that, say, one or two years from now, y’all may find that you’re in a much better place and communication comes much more naturally.

Self care: In our own system, communication becomes much more difficult when we are struggling to meet our own physical, mental, and emotional needs. So doing our best to look after our mind and body can really make a huge difference in the quality of our communication. We’ll go ahead and link our self care post here, in case y’all may find yourselves in a similar situation.

This is probably as much as I’m going to be able to say here for now. We could go on and on about internal communication, how to build on it, potential speed bumps or risks, and how it may look differently for different systems. Please don’t be too discouraged if y’all are still struggling with communication after a few weeks of daily practice - remember that communication is a skill just like any other, and it will take time to master.

So sorry if this response is rambly or muddled - we’re not feeling well today. But I do hope this helps you. Good luck with building communication and gaining a better understanding of your headspace in the future.

[target-core]

since you made that post, I’d love to share some of my own personal experience enjoying billford fluff, as survivor of an abusive relationship (though this is absolutely not me speaking for every survivor btw) if you don’t mind!! just because I think it’s an interesting perspective to bring to the table and I don’t want to repeat what the other asks have already said (and you seem curious and I love sharing thoughts about this)

tbob means absolutely everything to me but, in my head, it's already more or less reached the pinnacle of showing the darkest parts of their relationship and, to me, nothing else can fully compete with that. plus, when I'm in fandom spaces, I often use it to unwind and relax, and I just do not have the time or energy to use that space to engage with fictional versions of traumatic events that I have already been through, in excruciating detail. not only because I'm in a headspace where I just can't handle being triggered atm (unlike reading tbob, where I know what to expect and have coping skills already prepared) but also, personally, the concept can seem boring to me sometimes. I've already lived through this and spent years processing the meaning of it. I don't need to see fictional characters I love do the exact same thing repeatedly. especially since my own experience with my own suffering tends to be very mundane and tedious, and that’s part of why it’s miserable (no one ever talks about how boring pain is god .. but that’s a topic for a different conversation that has barely anything to do with this).

but obviously, I still want to engage with fandom spaces, even if I tend to avoid certain aspects of it (not even necessarily by default, it's just a pattern I've noticed with myself). so what can I engage with instead??? well I love these character dearly, devoid of whatever awful things they may or may not have done (looking at you especially bill, you motherfucker). I love their weird and nerdy personalities, I love their relatable backstories, I love how you can explore other themes through them (such as neurodivergency and trauma as a mental condition, rather than as an experience), and I love also how they can actually be really romantic, in a twisted weird way. I mean, merging bodies and minds, calling someone your “muse,” or even just the idea of a demon falling in love with a scientist who’s studying him just feels objectively romantic to me, in a strange and eerie way. not to mention (as I think someone else has said), not all abusive relationships are 100% bad all the time. in fact, that can be why they are so difficult to leave, because when you love someone you want to cling to the good. and I don’t think the good should ever be dismissed or invalidated, no matter how awful the bad is or how much it outweighs the good. plus also, if we’re going back to comparing billford to my own abusive relationship, those two really aren’t a perfect 1:1 comparison. not only because they’re fictional characters living in a world with magic and we aren’t, but also because they’re more like amalgamations of ideas than they are real people. and I love exploring those ideas on their own merits, regardless of the abuse.

so now that I think about it, I don’t even know if “fluff” is an adequate enough descriptor of what I like .. or if it is fluff, it still has some level of darkness or weirdness to it too, even if it’s small. I guess it’s more like I just enjoy the lighter, more whimsical aspects of billford that have more nuance to it .. but also billford is just so inherently incredibly dark that this feels fluffy by comparison. but also that’s literally just my own limited perspective (and I’m not even always consistent with it .. like I said this is just a pattern I’ve noticed with myself). I definitely don’t think it’s the only way to enjoy the ship and I absolutely 10000% get why other people might not feel the same and would want to explore the darker, more abusive aspects to them (technically I also do, just not via fandom). I’m never going to begrudge anyone who wants that and I hope this isn’t interpreted as a dunk on people who do <3333 I just love these stupid characters and their relationship so much and I think talking about this sort of thing is really really fun and interesting

anyways I’ve written probably way too much (and if I don’t stop now then I never will) so if you’ve gotten this far then thank you!! hope you have a wonderful day or night or whatever time it is where you are

Thank you so much for your ask !! :) please don’t apologize for them being too long, I really don’t mind

I have been in abusive relationship(s… lol🥲) myself, and I think with Billford I kind of do the opposite of escapism where I latch onto the darker parts and keep thinking about how it connects to my life over and over and over.. I’m gonna be real, I think the way I engage with them is actually kind of unhealthy LOL but it does make for interesting art and analysis in my head, so I guess it isn’t all that bad..?

I don’t mean to imply their relationship is all darkness. I think there’s levity to be found too… and as you said, abusive relationships aren’t bad all the time. There is genuinely cute stuff that happens between them, even though I tend to view those moments more cynically. I think for those nicer parts, I can’t enjoy them as much *because* I view them so cynically, because I project onto them. It feels too real for me to think of those moments as genuine because it opens up the possibility of a world where things could’ve been better. It’s hard for me to explain, I apologize if I don’t make any sense.

I really really do not want my original post to be viewed as a dunk either. Different interpretations are the spice of life!!! It’s all awesome. I enjoy seeing them in anything. I was more just genuinely curious on why the common interpretation is lighter than what’s presented. I feel like that might’ve not come across as well as I intended, and I’m sorry about that.

Thank you again for your ask!

[silvershiningtarot]

🥰🥹PAC18+ How Do You & Your Crush View Each Other (Short)

💋 take a second to breathe, don’t look at pictures because they are pretty and I got these are on Pinterest. All Free readings are closed. Remember this is general readings take what resonate and take what doesn’t. Reblog and comment on what you like about this reading. 🌺ENJOY IT!!

Pile 1

-It seems that you and your crush 😻 view each other as a good in a sense because with your view on them, they are a great leader, but they’ve been detached from their emotions or they struggle with disharmony. So they need a balance and Vice versa. With the page of pentacles I sense that you are young to them, they view you as someone who is creative, very outgoing is what I’m seeing. I’m sensing that they think of you as confident. You have a hard time understanding your reflection, or vice versa. Because with the page of pentacles you have so much life in you guys or they do. They see you as a person who walks away from any type of situation, it's like they don’t know but you or them move in silence, you don't even notice that they move from people, or a situation. Which is incredible in my opinion. You view them as someone who likes to learn either way so they feel the same way about you, smart, and taking baby steps. Your style and theirs are very similar but it seems like with you they view you as someone who doesn't like negativity, any type of negative energy you move away but in silence. It seems like a silent river runs deep with you two. Look at that!! Walking away with the ten of wands, I sense that taking that burden off you! They sense that for some of you, certain things don't bother you, well not that heavy. Hahaha 😝 amazing!! Either you or them is tall or short but in my opinion I sense that you are short and they are tall for few of you. The most of you I sense that you are tall then your crush and so the fuck what! I think that’s cool. Since I’m short, I prefer my crush to be taller. Didn’t I say that your styles and theirs are a bit similar. You have a bohemian style or you live like a bohemian probably got some color in your house or something. I sense that you live very freely. For some of you. Their hairstyle is like a Mohawk or you do have a Mohawk if you do or they do then rock on!!. I do sense that they have a fancy style, they probably dress all suit and tie or they dress casual but it still looks fancy. Either you or them doesn’t like rejection or got rejected a lot, they see that you’ve been disappointed or went in a wrong direction before. Or vice versa. It seems like they called out your bullshit, I don’t know it’s like when they’ll cursed you out if you fucked up or if you are being childish and vice versa. It seems like for some of you might be having some problem with an ex, you or them might have an ex that’s starting to have issues and they view that from you or vice versa. What did I say? Move in silence, some of you might be bottled up with emotions or they are crying for help. I won’t go any further than that but it seems like you view them as someone who would want to fix the issues, sit down and talk about them. I sense that for some y’all crush is probably a peacemaker. They view you as they see themselves traveling with you, they just wanna unplugged with you. You or them notice that you would want to try again, or some of you might wanna try again with your ex, but in my opinion please don’t! If this ex is starting issues don’t fall back into that trap who disappoints you and that’s goes y’all crush as well. Or they would want to DM you or vice versa. I sense they would want to cry with you or you would want to cry with them, sometimes they might be in a dark negative headspace and you would want to cry with them. They view you as someone who pulls away, or they do pull away quickly. You view them as they have a fast lifestyle either they are famous or they work hard 😓. Or vice versa. They probably work from 10pm to 6am. They see you as masculine like a very dominant or aggressive woman or something you consider to be my love! You view them as they have a strong tone or their voice is deep, maybe that’s what turns you on about them. I know it’s not the question but maybe that’s what you like about them. They know that you are very comfortable with your skin, you don’t care if some of you have scars on your skin or they do or tattoo on their skin they don’t care.

Extra Information: They are probably high on love, they love love or you do. You or them are probably an artist, do painting, music or writing etc. oh yeah your crush probably got long fingers or you do.

Pile 2

-Your crush views you as someone who’s been heartbroken, or probably has a hard time self-reflection as to where you face through a lot of pain or Vice versa. That goes for them as well. When I see the three of swords and the eight of swords then it makes me feel like you or them go through hard times. It’s not your fault at all, I understand that even your crush too. Same thing with the Five of cups, it’s seems like you or them don’t notice the joy 🥲 that you have in your hand and they sees that about you. I don’t know if it's a bit similar to pile 1, if you get a chance to read it might be a little message in there for you. Let me say this real quick, you are attractive to your own sex then your crush is a female or male or whatever is your thang is my lovelies. So maybe your crush views you as someone who’s attractive of course or you like what you like and vice versa. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or anything be proud of it if ain’t then I’m rootin for ya so you can feel proud 🥲 of your sexuality whatever it is!! Be proud and loud!! Anyways back to the reading sorry! You view them as embodying a lot of feminine energy, so they are very feminine that’s awesome. In my opinion if it's a man that’s feminine they are very good with their emotions. In my opinion I feel like it 😂😂. Or they view you as someone who embodies feminine energy!! Either you or them are dealing with some bad siblings drama. That's all I have to say about that. Maybe your crush is taller than you or you are taller than them. Or they are shorter than you or vice versa. I think that they dealt with toxic karmic lovers or vice versa, I ain’t delved into that bad energy! So I think that your crush thinks that you are a boxer punching someone tf out!! Yasss!! If y’all are then bam 💥 fuck yeah!! Or you view them as a boxer, if they are a boxer than guess what they’ll protect you and punch someone the fuck out for you. Maybe they think that you are battling with some tough stuff, again I’m not delved into that either. Or vice versa. They see you as someone who moves in silence, you hide your emotions, you probably pull away from everyone. You think that you are better off alone. In my opinion don’t think that like that or that’s goes for your crush too. I sense that they see that you or them likes to fix the issues, making amends or talk shit out. Yess baby you're a BOSS!! If you like to do that. I sense that for some of you that your crush is very handsome yummy 🤤 they are very good looking no matter if you or their sexuality they good look or Vice versa. You view them as a player, they like to take a woman who’s unavailable just being a playa playa!! No excuse though I don’t like players but if y’all do then ride on! They views a best woman to them, you are their forever ♾️ Woah I felt this intense energy. They notice that you are confident or vice versa. You’ll call out their bullshit and they will call out your bullshit.

Pile 3

🌸 When I saw the Sun card! I was like damn!! They view a person with so much joy, happiness and such a positive attitude and energy too. Vice versa I can see that because that shit brings a lot of enjoyment to me as well. With the ten of pentacles, oh my goodness, they view you, that you are good with kids or good with community or people. I can see that!! You bring them such joy into their life!! I felt the need to say that but it's true! Your crush is older than you or you are older than me and they notice that you know who you are, or vice versa. The king of pentacles, I sense that you know they have money or they know how to invest. They think that you have friends snooping around you or they are sniffing around meaning as where, stalking you, intruders or friends getting involved or vice versa. I sense that you don’t let that shit bother you, if this friend does you don’t pay it no mind for some of you. You think that they are taking performance pills if you know what I mean ladies can’t get up 🤔🤔. They notice that you are very tuned in with your spirit guides, very connected to the 5D dimension. Vice versa with them as well. They are good listeners too. Your crush it’s like for this pile you two of views each other is amazing. It’s such a positive feeling and positive energy. No wonder maybe that your crush dealt with horrible sex or you had better sex or vice versa and you dealt or dealt with horrible sex even though that’s none of their business period. They think that you are probably into BDSM or in that community or vice versa. They think that you are some type of freak baby yass! In a good way though, either they are an air sign your crush can be a Gemini, Libra, or an Aquarius. Well they think that you are communicative or just a chatterbox. Which is awesome. I'm a chatterbox myself. I'm a babbler, so talk away haha 😂. You might think that they are intimidating or don’t like to be messed with or vice versa. They think that you are honest, brave and trustworthy. You know how to set the boundaries. Again with the makeup and breakup if some of y’all dating y’all crush then wooo you have some deep ass passionate sex!! 🥵🥵🥵🥵. Either you or your crush have short hair, they dress fancy or their style is very fancy. Or you do dress all classy and sexy. That's awesome as well, dress however you wanna dress. I sense that either you or crush embody masculine energy or you embody masculine energy they can see that or vice versa. They notice that you have a birthmark or should I say a beauty mark aww 🥰 so cute I think so in my opinion🥰🥰🥰. Or they have a birthmark you notice about them.

Pile 4

❤️ The way you two view each other as like friends, I don’t know how to explain this one because it’s like I’m getting very giggly vibes in a good way. With the King of cups it seems like you are very developed with your emotions or vice versa. With the Chariot I’m seeing it as like you know how to push through it and vice versa but it’s like with this Eight of Swords for each piles makes me feel like you or them or the both of you have a hard time getting through with the self, don’t worry that’s how you get through it. I understand exactly what you go through. With the moon card Rx makes me think that there’s some blockages or fear and they notice that about you or you noticed that about them. I don’t know if some of you are letting your pride or ego get in the way. Please tell that pride or ego to stop!! Because you are in control with your mind, emotions and thoughts as well. I sense there’s some anxiety or fear here. Hmm 🤔 well that is all I have to say about that truly. I think they sense your energy as calm, so gentle and warm!! So warm even I do!! Or maybe that’s your crush energy but when you see them, you feel this calm energy that brings out. They have such light energy. Their energy makes you relax. Maybe some of you or them have an ex lover that’s jealous or just you or them back and again your crush doesn’t pay them no mind. It’s like they don’t give a fuck!! I don’t know. Wow I feel so laid back and chill. I won’t say they give me hippie vibes but more sort of vibes I can’t say but wow 🤩 if this y’all crush please tell him or her or unicorn wassup!! Haha 😂 such a beauty vibe they bring out. When they see you, they are manifesting you into there life. They trust that whatever happens, happens. OMG 😱 I LOVE THIS CRUSH OF Y’ALL . Such an angel 👼 or that can be your energy either way I fucking love it don’t let anyone I mean anyone not even your family or friends or just people period that beautiful energy away from you keep it!!! They see you as you like to party drink cocktails or just enjoy yourself. The way how you see them, they probably live a country life, or they are a barber or a gambler. Either way that cool accept for a gambler I mean I don’t know if you do too.. get your Money!! When they see as their first appearance of you, they fell hard for you is what I’m seeing. They had a crush on you automatically or vice versa. OKAY!! They have a wild side to them, for some of you they don’t care if you are taken by someone else they’ll snatch your ass away. Like I said that’s none of their business if you tell that you had horrible sex before or they did. Or maybe you don’t care if they have a relationship with someone else. Look that’s up to y’all if you wanna do that. To me I don’t like that shit if you have feeling for someone else my advice to you is break up with that person you are with because that’s karma!! For real if you cheat on your person you are with don’t expect that other person to be faithful to you what comes around goes around. I’m sorry that happens that’s a big ass IF!! but anyways for some of you I think that you or them is eyeing on each other. Like they staring at you or vice versa. They horny for you!!! Oh my gosh that’s so lovely. For few of you, you think that they are Mr steal your Girl type person player. Especially with your crush they don’t give a fuck they’ll snatch your ass away. For some of you but for few of you or them with type of relax energy they thinking about you and want you now but they so patient Aww!! I love it so much with their vibe. They make me wanna cry because they are such sweethearts! I love love love them already so much!! Tell me tell me!! Exactly how it goes with your crush if some of you talk to them. Good luck to y’all or that can be your energy again!!

REBLOG AND COMMENT ON WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS READING. If you wanna booked a reading me!! Message Me or have any questions about the this reading..I HOPE YOU ENJOY.! ❤️♾️💋❤️

[mingos]

oof. so… hello.

i know i’m not obligated to explain my absences, but i figured i should anyway because this is actually a long-standing issue i've been dealing with that, god fucking willing, doesn't happen againーbut that is what i told myself three weeks ago before it happened again. basically, because it can sometimes be so common, kinda just want to give a heads up if i ever start acting weird or distant because apparently i've upset some people i didn't mean to.

that stresses me out because, as i've mentioned before, i kind of have this tendency to shut down completely during stressful situations and not speak to anybody, which eventually turns into friends dropping me for a perceived lack of interest (not their fault, my fault). i'm actively trying to break that habit & be okay with vulnerability, so i want to be honest about where i've been and where i could potentially go in the future if this shit happens againーin a few weeks, in a few months, tomorrow... it all just depends, it's not a situation i can control. i'm not trying to ignore people. i just deal with a lot sometimes.

content warnings immediately below the cut but idk maybe just don’t read this if you’re in a bad headspace, or a really good headspace that you don't want ruined. no one should read this, actually. just jump to the last two paragraphs. this is just me explaining i'll hopefully feel okay enough to be back by the weekend.

-

cw: alcoholism; cw: domestic abuse; cw: gen. bad mental health

　i currently live in a dysfunctional situation with an alcoholic & addict family member as the last person in our family yet to distance themselves/cut them off. reason being is they relapse a lot. like, “an average of at least once every 2-4 months since i was 14” a lot. this is a long-standing problem. they’ve been through quite literally every treatment plan imaginable and nothing has stuck.

i do love this person; the majority of the time they're not relapsing, they’re kind & loving. when it’s good, it’s good. but when it’s bad jesus christ… i gotta level with you and say i've feared for my life a couple times.

they become angry & spiteful when drunk and, as of the last few years, physical. mostly when i try to confiscate things i find because i'm "stealing their property" and it’s therefore, to their drunk mind, justifiable. this is a mindset i’m still trying to unlearn because of course i don’t deserve it—taking a wine bottle away from an alcoholic for their own good isn’t justification for them almost suffocating you in an attempt to get it back, or breaking the lock on your bedroom door—but it’s hard to internalize that sometimes when your brain is beaten down, y’know?

when not being guilted into silence so i don’t “ruin their life more” or get threatened with being removed from the house by police, i’ve pretty much exhausted any sympathy or help i get from the rest of my family. half of them either have my # blocked or don’t answer under the weird assumption my family member is going to… use my phone to contact them? which is something that’s never happened before. the other half kind of just shrug because i’m choosing to say here and am an adult with the ability to leave whenever i want, just like they did.

　but i can’t leave—because, like i said, it’s just me now. no one else checks on this person, no one else lives with us, and i’ve already had to call 911 for them multiple times. living with them during a relapse is hell but so is whenever i have to leave the house because if something happens to them or their dog that suddenly becomes my fault. basically, whenever these episodes happen it’s just several days (or weeks) of nonstop stress. but there's nothing else i can really do. i just have to put up with it & ride it out.

-

　things have finally calmed down again; apologies were made, talks were had, we cleaned out their stash together... i finally have some breathing room. kind of. i still have no energy to do anything because i've just been in survival mode the last week (& also sick), so hopefully i can be back to writing by this weekend but i really don't know. i'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen so maybe i'm not out of that mindset just yetーi need to decompress a little before i can feel normal again.

thank you for your patience, and for those who have checked on me & especially those who were understanding it was kind of hard for me to have the energy to talk outside of my one or two comfort people. i miss you all very many and hope nothing more for you all to be loved, warm & safe. love you all very many.

[ariestrxsh]

I’ve been feeling so depressed lately it’s actually affecting me so hard. It’s made me feel a lot more sensitive to people but I still feel numb in a way. Idk how to explain it. It’s like I feel so much but so little at the same time. And I talked to my mom about it want she said she’d try her best to help me but she’s doing absolutely nothing to help me. She’s not even checking up on me. Hell she’s been treating me worse. It hurts so bad because I know the only reason she apologizes to me after fights is because of pity. Because she dosent want me to hurt myself. Even though It’s to a point where hurting myself has no purpose cause it won’t make me feel better inly more guilty because I know everyone will think I’m just doing it for attention. I don’t even know what making me feel this way. I have nothing going on in my life to make me feel like this. I don’t know why i have to go through this. My family dosent even care. No one besides my sister (mainly bc she’s the only one in my family I still keep in contact with after I moved out besides my mom bc she would kill me if I stopped taking to her even tho I hate her) I don’t to be alive anymore but I’m scared to die. Because I have so many dreams I want to live out. I’ve made it to college yes but I haven’t been able to do my dream job. I want to be a pediatrician mainly because I want to help kids who need it. I want to help kids because I’ve never got any help and because they are so innocent and kind. I want to see the kids and their parents happy when they get better. I want to see the kids get better. I haven’t been married. And I haven’t had kids. Having kids is my only goal in life. I want to treat my baby properly. I want them to grow up knowing I’m here and trust me. But i don’t want to be here. I don’t know how much longer I can take. I want to die so so bad but death scares me. And I feel like such a bother when I tell my friends about how I feel and I feel like they’re only pretending to like me. For example today o hung out with my bsf of 12 years. We’ve been friends since we were 7. And the day before we hung out I told her I was feeling depressed and she agreed to hang out with me but the whole time she looked bored and like she wanted to go home. It feels as if everytime I think it’s getting better- I finally have energy to clean, take care of myself, and treat myself and others kindly- it all gets worse. I don’t know what to do because o hate therapy. Talking to someone like that scares me because I had to do it when I was a kid bc my dad was in jail and my mom wanted to get us qualified to see him but it made me so uncomfortable. It feels like the only reason I’m here is because I’m scared to end it. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m pretty sure I’ve talked to you abt this before in private messages but not this deep. I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable :(

This doesn't make me uncomfortable at all. 💖 It makes me feel a little sad, but that's okay. I can handle that. Nothing you could say could really trigger me or put me in a bad headspace, so please don't worry about that.

I've been in a similar position before. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, and I have a history with self-harm, so I can understand where you're coming from and feeling like the only reason you're alive is because you're too scared to die. 🥺 I know there's nothing I can say or do to fix it, but I'm always here for you. Always here to talk.

I went to therapy when I was a kid, and it was helpful for the time being, but I don't think it's necessary for mental health. Sometimes, all you need is connection to other people, and it sounds like you're feeling rather disconnected right now. 💔

I'm sorry you're struggling through this right now, Lynx. I don't know how long you've been wrestling with your mental health, and I know it's so corny when people say this, but it does get better. It'll get worse again from time to time, but it also always gets better.

Life is full of fluctuations, ebbs and flows. Sometimes things are really good, and other times they're bad, and it will be like that as long as you're alive, and I'm not saying that to bum you out, but to be realistic about it. That's the nature of this reality, the yin and the yang, the good and the bad. It all compliments each other so that you can appreciate things when they're good. You wouldn't appreciate them if they were good all the time.

Also, I know this takes time and practice, and it is not going to cure your depression, but you know how when things are really good, you think to yourself, "something's about to go wrong because things are too good." Well, what if you train yourself to have the same outlook when you're feeling sad? "Man, things have been bad for a while now. I just know they're about to start looking up soon."

I hope you don't think I'm being insensitive, but this is how life goes. You're never going to feel 100% happy all of the time. Some things are really going to hurt and suck and rip your heart out, and if you don't like the way things are going now, just wait. They'll change again. Things are always changing.

I know, this could come off some type of way, and I promise I don't mean for it to sound like I'm telling you to just get over it, because I know it isn't that simple, but try to find gratitude for what you do have. If you have your health, if you have enough money to pay your bills, and if you have a roof over your head and clothes to wear, those are things to be grateful for, and gratitude isn't going to magically cure your depression or make it go away, but it does help to temporarily combat it sometimes.

I love you, Lynx. 💖 Please don't make any rash decisions you can't take back.

[br0-k3n-sch00lb01]

@mysteriouslypalecollective heres pt.2!! ^^

Stranger found that Omori’s companions (and, of course, Omori himself) were warming up to him. 

He was spending less and less time in Blackspace, and more time in Headspace.

Most of the time, with Basil and Omori. Those two seemed to like him a lot.

…Well… perhaps Omori not as much. But definitely Basil.

He was weaving a flower crown as he lay on his stomach beside Basil. They were in Neighbor’s Room. Hero, Kel, Aubrey, and Omori were playing a game of cards while Mari watched.

Basil was humming a soft tune under his breath. Stranger found it somewhat comforting.

He was startled, however, when Basil placed a flower crown on his head.

He instantly dematerialized from the shock, and watched the pretty flower crown fall to the ground.

“Ah- my dearest apologies, Basil–” Stranger spluttered as he re-materialized and picked the flower crown back up. He peered at it. Purple hyacinths.

“Don’t worry about it, mistakes happen…!!” Basil said sweetly.

He was too kind for his own good. Stranger glanced at him as he placed the crown back on his head. 

“Hyacinths. Why’d you pick them for this crown, specifically?” Stranger inquired.

“...Aha… no reason. They’re just pretty.” Basil replied.

Stranger tilted his head.

“...You… do know the myth behind them, correct?” He asked.

“Yes. But that shouldn’t distract from their beauty, should it?” 

“...No. I suppose not.” 

They stared at each other for a moment. It was always strange. Like looking into a mirror that wasn’t exactly accurate. Basil was colorful, kind and beautiful. Stranger was just dark, dull, and lifeless.

Why would such a lovely person ever be friends with someone like him?

“Stranger?” Basil said, tapping Stranger’s shoulder and snapping him out of his daze. “You alright?”

Stranger blinked. “Hmm? Oh, yes, I’m fine.” He replied hastily.

“...” Basil didn’t believe him. It was clear on his face. “...If you say so.” 

“Could you two sappy flower boys get over here and help? Kel’s being a BRAT–” Aubrey called.

“NO I’M NOT!! AUBREY’S JUST BEING ALL WHINY-” Kel protested.

“Good god… could you two please just settle down?” Hero said. “I’m tired of you guys fighting.” 

“Sorry, Hero..” Kel and Aubrey said simultaneously. 

Basil rolled his eyes playfully. “Don’t you two ever get tired of arguing? It’s comical how much energy you have for YELLING AT EACH OTHER but when you actually have to run around or something you’re all like, oh nooo, i’m too tired, please don’t make us exercise, Basil!” He teased. 

Hero frowned. “I’m right here, you know…”

Mari laughed. “Oh Hero, don’t take it too personally. You’re not even the person he was talking about, calm down..”

Hero huffed, and Mari ruffled his hair affectionately.

“Ewww!! Stop flirting and being all lovey-dovey!!” Kel cried.

“KEL!! Don’t get in the way of true love, you gremlin!!” Aubrey yelled.

“Oh, shut up…” Omori muttered. “This is SO annoying sometimes…”

Basil smiled, patting his friend’s shoulder. “Awh, cheer up, Omori!! They’re just messing around, like always.” 

Omori rested his chin in his hands. “...tch. I guess you’re right.”

Basil put his hands on his hips. “Hmhmmm, as always~”

Omori whacked Basil’s shoulder lightly. “Oh, quiet, you…”

Basil giggled, holding a hand up to his mouth to hide his smile. Stranger watched them with an eyebrow raised. 

For some inexplicable reason, he felt sort of jealous of Basil.

It’s not like he ever typically felt jealous, so this was odd, but still…

Something about seeing Omori having such fun with Basil instead of him made his heart feel prickly.

[another-dr-another]

no... thats wrong.... god.... - annie

Maeda, narrating - I don’t…

Maeda - …

Maeda - I don’t want to say anything…

Maeda - I just want everything to go away.

~*~

Maeda - …

Hatano - …

//…There’s nothing that can sway Maeda to say words he simply doesn’t have.

Tsurugi - No, that’s wrong!

//Thank god that Maeda isn’t the only person in the trial room. 

Hatano - !

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - Hatano, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to go through this- not only grieving a friends suicide, but having to experience it here.

Tsurugi - You need to get professional help. Your feelings are okay, those can be however they are, but I know that no one would be able to process this without a licensed therapist to help them.

Tsurugi - …And that’s what really sucks- the only people here are teenagers, who are… painfully far from equipped to help you.

Tsurugi - I’m the closest thing we have to a psychologist right now, and I don’t… really think you want to start having weekly sessions with me to discuss your thoughts.

Tsurugi - But…

Tsurugi - Just listen for a minute? I’m really not the resource you should be turning to now… but I can’t let you continue to understand Iranami’s death the way that you are.

Maeda - …

//Maeda’s eyes are wide.

Hatano - …What. Are you going to try and say it wasn’t suicide, now?

Tsurugi - No.

Tsurugi - But it wasn’t your fault.

Hatano - !

Hatano - Who…

Hatano, guard up - Who said anything about that?

Tsurugi - …No one said it in plain terms.

Tsurugi - But you said she couldn’t have killed herself, because she was getting better.

Tsurugi - It’s…

Tsurugi - I haven’t lost anyone to suicide. But, I have had close-up experiences with it- and not, just… like, at work? I mean personally…

Tsurugi - It’s definitely something I’m familiar with. I haven’t been in your exact situation, and even if I had, you can’t ever speak for everyone, but…

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - You tried to help her, right? She came to you, and you thought you took care of things… but she still died.

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi, mumbling - It’s best to get things out of the way…

Tsurugi - Even if you had never known, you’d be asking yourself what you could have done. And the fact that she did come to you, but your actions didn’t get her to stop-

Tsurugi - If she knew you loved her, like you told her you did, then why would she still kill herself?

Hatano - …

Maeda - This… doesn’t sound helpful.

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - You aren’t understanding what she experienced.

Tsurugi - I don’t mean that you weren’t empathetic or compassionate when she came to you about her struggles, I mean that you don’t understand what being suicidal is like.

Tsurugi - And… there were signs. We all missed the signs- I knew what to look out for, and I still just… missed it.

Tsurugi - Maybe later- sometime after the trial, I mean- we can all sit down, and talk about it. 

Tsurugi - It’d do everyone good to know what some of the warning signs are, and what symptoms to look out for…

Tsurugi - And I don’t think we should be letting people be alone. I don’t mean we enact a 24/7 buddy system, I mean… Iranami shouldn’t have been able to isolate herself as much as she did.

Tsurugi - That’s a sign something’s wrong… there’s a difference between being solitary, and not having the energy to be around anyone, or not feeling comfortable, or…

Tsurugi - Well- this isn’t the point.

Tsurugi - Again, later, we can go over some prevention-

Tsurugi - But that requires understanding what it’s like to be in that headspace, and that means you understanding that you…

Tsurugi - Honestly, Hatano- you had nothing to do with Iranami’s choice to kill herself.

Hatano - …

Maeda - Wh- like, Hatano didn’t mean anything to Iranami?

//Tsurugi goes to speak again, but gets interrupted.

Uehara - …Tsu, check it…

Tsurugi - …

//Tsurugi looks surprised, and turns to look at Uehara- who isn’t looking at him. Like the rest of the class, he’s trying to look at anything else, avoiding the conversation at hand. He isn’t giving any sort of explanation for what he meant- but Tsurugi seems to understand.

Tsurugi - …Hatano, Iranami knew you loved her.

Tsurugi - In fact, it’s… inarguable- she loved you too.

Hatano - …I know that.

Hatano - You don’t get it. I know she cared about me- that’s why I know it wasn’t a suicide.

Hatano - Iranami wouldn’t have lied to me. Something else happened to her, because… if she was having a hard time, she’d have been honest with me.

Tsurugi - …I’m sorry, Hatano.

Tsurugi - I don’t think you believe that. I think you’re saying that because you know Iranami didn’t want to hurt you, and she knew that killing herself would upset you.

Tsurugi - But, that’s what I mean to point out. First off, this is what I mean when I say we need to go over why people kill themselves, but-

Tsurugi - Hatano… Iranami tried to apologize. She tried to comfort you, before it happened.

Tsurugi - It’s obvious, to everyone- it’s almost a bit funny… you’re the only one who can’t see it.

Hatano - …

Maeda - …This isn’t the time to be… metaphorical.

Tsurugi - But I’m not, it’s literally true!

Tsurugi - If Hatano turned around, we’d all be able to see- but she can’t, because she doesn’t have eyes on the back of her head!

Tsurugi, quietly - Plus, her hair would be in the way…

Maeda - …Oh my god.

Tomori - ! The ribbon!

Hatano - …

Tsurugi - Mhm…

Tsurugi - It’s… really, it’s painful how obvious it is, in hindsight.

Tsurugi - Iranami did well, though, framing it like she was letting you borrow it- but, giving things away to loved ones is a big sign someone’s… planning their suicide.

Tsurugi - Hatano… Iranami knew that you loved her, and she loved you too- and yes, she still killed herself.

Tsurugi - It’s clear as day that you mattered to her, and she knew that you didn’t want her to die.

Tsurugi - This is how I know that you don’t understand what happened- Iranami not wanting to live does not mean she didn’t love you-

Tsurugi - Again! I think of uh… Golden Gate jumpers, there was one who lived and said that as he started to drop, he suddenly saw all the ways he could’ve changed things-

Tsurugi - Because- that’s what it’s about! Being willing to kill yourself is… 

Tsurugi - It is pure hopelessness. It’s- usually it’s because of months, or years, of things just being… bad.

Tsurugi - I-

Tsurugi - Iranami was so exhausted… I wish… that we could talk to her. That you could be hearing this from her- but trust me, it’s…

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - And all it takes is one bad moment. Iranami might have been getting better! Maybe the conversation did help- she clearly felt comfortable enough with you to go to you!

Tsurugi - But… maybe she just got upset. Maybe one person made one comment, and that was enough to kick her back there- and make that one decision.

Tsurugi - …

Hatano - …

//Maeda glances around. Still, no one seems eager to join the conversation… he meets Kobashikawa’s eye, but Kobashikawa simply holds the connection for a moment, then looks away. Taira is retying her hair, as Tomori wipes away a tear, starting to cry again. Maki looks at her, visibly sympathetic- but Tomori doesn’t see. Ōtori has his arms crossed, staring at his shoes- his position is rather similar to Uehara’s… but Maeda thinks Uehara is looking at Tsurugi’s shoes.

Tsurugi - It’s…

Tsurugi - When you’re suicidal, it isn’t always because you think you’re unloved.

Tsurugi - For… most people, it’s a way to escape a pain that doesn’t look like it’ll ever go away. It feels like the only option.

Tsurugi - You can’t run, and you can’t hide, and you can’t hope for the situation to get better. Maybe there’s things that make you happy, and maybe there’s people you love to see.

Tsurugi - But… there’s moments where they go away. When the person you love has to get on the train and go home. When you’re so upset that those hobbies can’t make things better.

Tsurugi - And it happens for so long, or it’s such a bad circumstance, or it’s so painful, or whatever it is, it’s just so tiring…

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - You’d just… rather sleep. And you don’t really want to wake up.

Hatano - …

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - Some people say… that it’s selfish. 

Tsurugi - I’m not going to advocate for suicide. But… I think it’s important to recognize what it’s like…

Tsurugi - You mentioned Iranami had issues at home- then lost contact with her brother. Odds are, that loss was just… too much.

Tsurugi - She could have taken it as a sign… that she didn’t deserve good things, that she wasn’t prioritized, that no one cared about her;

Tsurugi - That could’ve been the moment she started to believe that things wouldn’t ever get better.

Tsurugi - And… as you start to think about it more, it starts to sound easy.

Tsurugi - Nothing to live for, if things always come back to the pain, and ways that seem quick and painless. Sure, you’d be letting people down-

Tsurugi - But, are you such a big part of their lives? Couldn’t they move on? Couldn’t they understand? Besides, they’ll probably go away too. You can’t keep anything good.

Tsurugi - And, even when things are happy… the sadness comes creeping back in. Sometimes, nothing makes you happy, and everything is gray. And sometimes… you’re just too hurt.

Tsurugi - You’re too scared, or too tired, and it’s too easy- to forget about what makes you happy, and…

Tsurugi - …

//He gestures vaguely, both hands making motions near his head.

Tsurugi - Easy to fall asleep. 

Tsurugi - It isn’t…

Tsurugi - You do it in spite of the people you love. You justify it, maybe, or you try to give an apology- you leave a note, you set something up.

Tsurugi - I don’t…

Tsurugi - …I’m sad Iranami felt that way. And I wish I could have done something for her. But- as someone who’s removed from the situation, who wasn’t too close with her-

Tsurugi - I can’t be mad with her for it. I’m not happy it happened, but… I don’t think she was dramatic for feeling that way. It’s common-

Tsurugi - No one wants to stick around in a place where they’ll just be suffering forever- not when it’s promised they’ll just keep on hurting.

Tsurugi - Things could have gotten better for Iranami- in a different place, I like to think we, as a class, would have helped her, to make sure things improved.

Tsurugi - But, she didn’t have a reason to believe things could change. It’s hard to stay optimistic, and see a way out, when you’re most familiar with… uncontrollable horrors.

Maeda - …

//Maeda feels nauseous. Something burns in his stomach, in his chest- and his eyes hurt with how thick his tears are. Slowly, he sinks to the ground, remaining on his podium, and pressing his head against the cool wood of his stand. 

Maeda - Oh my goddd…

Hatano - …

Hatano - So what.

Hatano - A-Are you happy?

Hatano - Iranami was miserable, and didn’t have anything to be happy for, and I fucked up by not understanding that, and agreeing with it.

Tsurugi - But that’s not what I’m saying.

Tsurugi - I want you to understand how Iranami felt, because I want to understand that-

Tsurugi - Hatano, you could not have saved her with that conversation- she wouldn’t have been expecting you to cure her struggles!

Tsurugi - She had been having a hard time for years! From the sound of it, she was born into a bad situation! 

Tsurugi - Not to mention, I think she probably started to struggle… however long ago her brother left…

Tsurugi - Her feelings weren’t a one-off fluke, and her actions weren’t the result of your response- it wasn’t something she did out of spite, or because she thought you wanted her to.

Tsurugi - Why do you think she confided in you? She wouldn’t have thought that you’d magically fix everything wrong with her life, right that second-

Tsurugi - She wanted someone to know, and… probably, to worry about her. To recognize the struggle she was having, and help her shoulder it-

Tsurugi - She wanted someone to care.

//Maeda stands back up. Uehara is crouching down, hands resting above him on the podium. Tomori has turned to the side, facing Maki, and starting to curl in on herself. Tsurugi, Taira, and Hatano seem to be the only students who aren’t physically removing themselves from the scene, in some way.

Tsurugi - …And you did, Hatano.

Tsurugi - Maybe you didn’t see it as a legitimate concern, maybe you did brush it off as a moment of dramatics-

Tsurugi - But it’s not like you didn’t care about her well-being, it’s that you didn’t realize she was in any danger.

Tsurugi - …And she knew that.

Tsurugi - She knew you so well, Hatano. I think she understood you, and recognized your love for her.

Tsurugi - That’s why she apologized when she was planning to kill herself. She was telling you that she knew you loved her- that was the last thing she wanted to tell you, the thing she had to make sure you knew.

Tsurugi - And that’s what I really care about right now.

Tsurugi - Iranami deserves to be mourned, and we can honor her by making sure no one else takes their own life.

Tsurugi - But in this exact second, you are the first priority, Hatano. The most important thing to me is making sure…

Tsurugi - Not… that you’ll be okay. Because that isn’t going to happen right now.

Tsurugi - But making sure that even as you grieve, as you process, as you hurt- you don’t misconstrue Iranami’s feelings, 

Tsurugi - Because you need to understand that you did everything you could have for her.

Tsurugi - You were never going to save her, and she didn’t want you to fix her every issue.

Tsurugi - The reason why I tried to explain to you Iranami’s feelings, what it feels like to be suicidal, is so you’d understand that your love for her was entirely separate.

Tsurugi - Love… is not the cure. 

Tsurugi - It doesn’t take away the bad things. It doesn’t keep clothes from getting torn up, and it doesn’t make you feel full when you’re hungry.

Tsurugi - You don’t look for medicine when you need to drink some water… I don’t think Iranami was telling you so that you’d take all her pain away.

Tsurugi - I think she told you because of the same reason why we ask to be held when we’re tired, y’know?

Tsurugi - She wanted comfort. 

Tsurugi - Maybe she- listen.

Tsurugi - We can’t know what happened. It’s not something we’ll ever be able to confirm.

Tsurugi - Maybe Iranami was getting better! So many suicidal people do have those nice moments, where things seem like they could get better-

Tsurugi - Then, they have those bad moments, those seconds that throw them a step back-

Tsurugi - And, by the way, that’s so hard to come back from. When you’re already clinging to anything that gets you forward, it’s really difficult to stand back up when something shoves you down.

Tsurugi - And- that’s what could have happened!

Tsurugi - Maybe she planned things out, maybe she’d been looking for a chance for awhile- or, maybe she was doing good for awhile! 

Tsurugi - But then, she has a bad moment, something sets her off, makes her scared again-

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - And the dining hall trip was announced. And she saw a chance to be alone, in a room she’d be locked into, while everyone else would be asleep for hours, and not notice.

Tsurugi - Speaking of- since we know she went there to take her own life… it is possible that she closed the doors on herself, to take away her way out.

Tsurugi - We truly just… can’t know. 

Tsurugi - So instead, let’s look at what we do know- there’s no way to definitively prove every last bit of Iranami’s reasoning, 

Tsurugi - But, we do have some clues, and every piece of evidence we have supports the same conclusion.

Tsurugi - You were something good for Iranami.

Tsurugi - While she was here, you made her happy.

Tsurugi - When she was leaving, she was worried about you.  

Tsurugi - She tied her ribbon into your hair, so you’d remember her, and how she loved you.

Tsurugi - And when she killed herself, she did it because she was tired. Not because she felt unloved, or because she didn’t have things to live for-

Tsurugi - She was just a bit too exhausted to keep fighting on. And it’s sad, and she shouldn’t have felt that way.

Tsurugi - But the fact she did is completely independent of you. You made things better.

Tsurugi - You are always going to wonder what you could have done. You will be eighty years old, fully understanding what I’m saying right now, and a piece of you will still want to solve it.

Tsurugi - This is because you love her. You are grieving because you love her. Everyone knows this. Iranami knew this would happen, I’d think.

Tsurugi - I don’t say this to keep you from asking yourself. You’re trying to figure out how you could have saved her from her fate because you love her. 

Tsurugi - You wanted to keep her safe, and to you, safety meant happiness. 

Tsurugi - I’m not going to tell you to stop finding a way to save her- it’s because you love her that you want things to have happened differently, and there’s no reason for me to go against your love.

Tsurugi - I want you to know, though, that it was never your failure. It wasn’t Iranami’s either-

//His voice shakes, as he starts to cry.

Tsurugi - Iranami was tired. Love wasn’t going to fix that. 

Tsurugi - But god, Hatano- please, for Iranami, understand what she wanted you to know. 

Tsurugi - Your love was enough. It was everything it could have been. It was important to her- you were so important to her.

Tsurugi - Her suicide happened in spite of that love, because love is a band-aid, at the most. She felt safe enough with you to look for comfort, but that does not mean her death was your failure.

Tsurugi -  Iranami felt so loved while she was here. 

Tsurugi - And that’s all you can do! All you can do is love them! Maybe it will help them hang on, but it will not save them from every bad second!

Tsurugi - But it still mattered! It mattered to her so much, that even when she knew she wanted to leave-

Tsurugi - Her love for you was strong, strong enough that even when she did seem to feel rejected, she still only wanted you to know she loved you- 

Tsurugi - And while she was here, when she was so hopeless she wanted her life to be over, your love made her life better.

//Everything is silent.

Hatano - …

Maeda - …

//Everyone is silent.

Tsurugi - …

Taira - …

//…

Tomori - …

Uehara - …

//There’s a soft whine.

Hatano - …

Hatano, crying - …I want Iranami back-

//Hatano falls to the floor. Somehow, it’s a different cry than before. It isn’t the shock of the dining hall, the sound of something deep in Hatano’s core shifting around. 

Taira - …

//It isn’t the sobs she let out when Maeda returned the ribbon, sounding of the ache it sparked in her. And it isn’t the way she sobbed after she found Iranami sporting new stitching, racking her body as her bloody fists shook.

Maeda - …

//Though it is slightly reminiscent of her tears as she insisted Iranami wouldn’t have hurt either herself, nor Hatano, there’s a key difference. It isn’t the volume, the power, the pitch, or the way it shorts and sputters.

Tsurugi - …

//There’s something in it that Maeda recognizes, the way one might know a melody, a rhythm, holding the familiarity of oxidation. When Maeda hears her, he knows how she’s crumpled. Everything outside of her has fallen away, including any will to fight; all that’s left is Hatano’s pain.

Maeda - …It’s over.

//Her grief permeates his core. He sees everything external stripped away. It’s what’s true.

Maeda - …

//Something… nags, and tells him it’s his fault.

Tsurugi - …

Taira - …Have we all found our final answer?

Maeda - !

//Maeda, Tomori, Maki, Kobashikawa, and Ōtori all seem to return to the room. Tsurugi stays focused on Hatano, who’s still on the floor…

Maeda - I think Taira was expecting that, though.

Kobashikawa - …

Ōtori - …

Tomori - …

//No one knows what to say. Hatano’s sobs had subsided, a few seconds before Taira spoke, leaving the courtroom completely silent.

Maeda - “Final answer”...

Maeda - Should… we vote?

Tomori - Well-

Tomori - …We don’t… seem to have a… culprit here… right?

Kobashikawa - …

Ōtori - …At the end of the day, Iranami’s death was a rule violation.

Kobashikawa - Right…

Kobashikawa - But, Monokuma did say we could vote for her case…

Ōtori - Yeah, and Monokuma also lets us vote for innocent people. It’s about our perception of things.

Maki - …

Maki - …If we don’t have a blackened we can prosecute, Monokuma has to tell us.

Maki - There’s no legitimate option we could vote for- it’s lying, to mislead everyone. 

Tomori - …M- Maybe… we can ask it?

Tomori - …

Tomori - If there’s a way for us to end things now… I think we’d all be better off.

Maki - Mm…

Kobashikawa - …

Kobashikawa - If Monokuma does operate strictly off of coded responses, there shouldn’t be a way for it to react as though there was a blackened…

Kobashikawa - Unless, this is because of a lack of a fail-safe, and Monokuma is glitched out because of a death by rule violation happening concurrently with a murder.

Kobashikawa - It’s possible that the reason we didn’t know how the trial would operate until the trial started was because of a short-coming in the code… I think.

Tomori - Ah- do you know about programming, Kobashikawa?

Kobashikawa - Oh- not particularly… all of what I’m saying is speculation, I guess.

Kobashikawa - Half of it was me trying to work things out. Ōtori didn’t really need to translate- I was signing to myself.

Ōtori - …

Maeda - That’s why he wasn’t facing Ōtori…

Tomori - Ah…

Tomori - Really, I guess there’s a lot we don’t understand about Hope’s Peak… we still don’t know how we got here, or how the school got sealed off…

Kobashikawa - …

Taira - …I wonder if Monokuma could recognize Iranami as a blackened? For causing her own death, I mean…

Uehara - …

Uehara - …What?

Maeda - …Welcome back to the conversation.

Taira - It might make a bit of sense. 

Taira - There certainly isn’t any danger in asking- Maki, if you would?

Maeda - …? Why is Maki the person we’ve designated to ask questions…

Maki - …

Maki - Monokuma!

Maki - Iranami died due to a rule violation. Did you lead us to believe she had been murdered because we could prosecute Iranami, calling her the blackened of the case?

Monokuma - …

Maeda - …

Taira - …

Monokuma - The Faculty Of Hopes Peak Academy Does Not Recognize Death Due To Rule Violation As A Murder.

Monokuma - In The Case Of A Participant Violating A Rule, No Participants Will Be Deemed Blackened, As No Murder Has Been Committed.

Maki - …

Maki - That doesn’t confirm if Iranami died due to a rule violation or not…

Ōtori - Lucky, then, that that isn’t something we needed Monokuma to confirm.

Maki - …

Kobashikawa - It’d be nice to have Monokuma acknowledge it.

Ōtori - …

Kobashikawa - …

Maki - So, “blackened” is something specific to murders, but the Monokuma file isn’t?

Monokuma - …

Maeda - …

Monokuma - …

Maeda - …?

Maeda - Is… it going to respond?

Monokuma - …

Monokuma - Due To The Nature Of Iranami Satsuki’s Death, A Monokuma File Was Provided.

Monokuma - …

Monokuma - The Intent Of The Faculty Was To Provide A Monokuma File For Any Deaths Occurring Under Unclear Circumstances, 

Monokuma - Included Examples Being Deaths Due To Murder, Deaths Due To Accidents, And Deaths Due To Rule Violations, In Contrast To Deaths Due To Execution In Compliance With Rule Eleven.

Maeda - Okay, I’m understanding…

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - …Define “accidents”?

Monokuma - Examples Include, But Are Not Limited To; A Student Falling Down The Stairs, A Student Tripping, And A Student Choking, To The Result Of Fatal Injury-

Monokuma - Without Extraneous Intervention Involving Any Separate Students.

Tsurugi - …Okay.

Maki - …

Monokuma - …

Monokuma - The Faculty Is Willing To Adjust This Decision, If Petitioned By The Participants.

Maeda - Wait- really? They’re going to offer us that?

Maki, surprised - …

Taira - …

Maki, suspicious - …

Maki - …In the future… could we only get Monokuma Files for murders?

Monokuma - …

Tomori - I want the same! Please, only give us Monokuma Files if the deceased was murdered!

Kobashikawa - …

Kobashikawa - Are we really so sure we need to worry about this…

//Kobashikawa erases his whiteboard- Maeda isn’t sure who else saw it.

Uehara - …

//Uehara did, at least.

Uehara - It’s about setting up for the future-

Uehara - Like, those career plans! Which were so frustrating.

Uehara - Anyways… con-tin-gen-cy plans…

//Uehara enunciates every sound, throwing off the rhythm of the word- 

Maeda - If… that’s what he needs to do, that’s not an issue- I think it makes sense to have specific words you struggle with, if you learn new languages.

Uehara - I’ll throw my punch in the ring… Monokuma! Do the… thing, with the files…

Uehara - …Yeah.

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - I think you should only do Monokuma files for murder victims, too.

Maeda - …And I agree, as well.

Monokuma - The Majority Of The Participants Are In Agreement.

Monokuma - The Faculty Of Hope’s Peak Academy Has Made Note Of This Change, And It Will Be Effective For All Future Deaths.

Maeda - …Still not confirming anything.

Tomori - …

Tomori - So, it has no bearing on Iranami’s case.

Maki - Mhm.

Maki - …

Maki - At least we’ve made progress, for the future.

//It’s silent.

Maki - …

Maki - And… we really are just… all in agreement?

Maeda - …

//Once again, the courtroom is silent. No one knows what to say.

Tsurugi - …

Kobashikawa - …

Kobashikawa - I guess… we knew, from the start- that one of the cases would never get confirmed by Monokuma.

Kobashikawa - …I suppose it’s a good thing, that we… proved it so definitively.

Taira - …Yes.

Taira - But, we still aren’t done.

Maeda - …!

//Most everyone turns to look at her.

Taira - The point of the class trial is not to solve any random mystery. Half of the issue with Monokuma misleading is that it led to the belief we had a choice in who we’d vote for.

Taira - We still need to execute a blackened- all that’s changed is that we know there’s only one person we can execute.

Taira - No leaving, and no survival, unless we can work out who that person was. We have a second case to solve.

Taira - …Did you all forget?

Hatano - …

Maeda - …

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - …Everyone’s tired.

Tsurugi - There’s no real rule against silence, right? I think…

Tsurugi - Let’s… just take a moment. Pause, and recuperate. Then, we’ll start to discuss what happened to Higa.

Tsurugi - …I think everyone could use a moment to process.

Taira - …

//No one says anything.

Maeda - …

Maeda - I…

Maeda - …

Maeda - …I guess I should start organizing what I know about what happened to Higa.

//Maeda does not grab his E-Handbook. Nothing comes to mind- he can recall what he saw, but… he doesn’t come up with any ideas.

Maeda - …I can’t focus.

Maeda - I… I keep thinking about Iranami- 

Maeda - But… 

//He can’t even tell what it is he’s thinking. Everything is the same- all incoherent, indescribable. Visions set up shop in his head, bloodstained hair covering his eyes, be it braided or loose, and blood he felt in his legs just seconds ago is pounding out of his ears. 

Maeda - …

//Back when she was alive, and she did not want to be. What the world was in her eyes, the ways it ached. The quiet thrum of the sleepover, close friends and connections chattering away as she tied her ribbon into someone else’s hair, the air warm with eleven exhales. A face flush with a table, the quiet lure of sleep, the lull in the lungs. 

Maeda - …

//He sees most of her so clearly. 

Maeda - …

//It’s only one thing that can’t come to him.

Maeda - …

//When asking for himself in her eyes, Maeda can’t figure anything at all.

Hatano - …

Tsurugi - …

//Truly- none of this is coherent. Maeda’s ability to steel himself and evaluate is just… absent. The conclusions he comes to, the thoughts in his head- none of them get to be articulated. All he has is the fleeting feelings, the flickers of something resting between his brain and his cranium. He couldn’t put it into words like this.

Maeda - …Mm…

//Should someone ask him, there’s only one thing he might manage to say. 

Maeda - …

//He’s half convinced that she’s standing at her podium. She’s torn between looking at Hatano, and looking at him.

Taira - …

Monokuma - Students Will Be Granted An Intermission From The Trial.

Maeda - …Huh?

Monokuma - Trial Intermission Will Last For Fifteen Minutes, Beginning At The End Of This Announcement.

Monokuma - During Intermission, Students Are Permitted To Leave Their Podiums And Move Freely About The Trial Room.

Monokuma - Attempts To Leave The Trial Room Will Result In Immediate Execution. Attempts To Interact With The Curtains Located Behind Student’s Podiums Will Result In Immediate Execution.

Monokuma - Students May Petition The Headmaster For Increased Intermission. Standard School Rules Are In Effect.

Maeda - Oh my god-

Monokuma - Intermission Is Included In Class Trials Of Abnormal Length, As Determined By Extenuating Circumstances.

Maeda - …He’s… actually giving us a break.

Monokuma - Please Use This Time To Prepare For The Second Half Of The Class Trial.

//Maeda waits for the catch.

Monokuma - …

Maeda - …

//No one moves an inch.

Tsurugi - …

//He knocks his knuckles rapidly against his podium- then steps backwards off of it’s platform.

Taira - …

//…Nothing happens.

Tsurugi - …Okay.

Tomori - …

//She joins him.

Tomori - …It’s definitely safe.

Tsurugi - Mhm…

Tsurugi - Monokuma? Will you let us know when we’re about to run out of time?

Monokuma - A Warning Will Be Given At The One Minute Mark, And An Additional Countdown Will Begin During The Final Ten Seconds.

Tsurugi - Okay, cool- thank you, uh… at least for that.

Maeda - …

//It’s silent.

Tsurugi - …Anyone want a snack?

TRIAL ~ INTERMISSION! 

~*~

Maeda, narrating - …

Maeda - Oh my god…

Maeda - …

Maeda - I don’t…

Maeda - …I don’t have a clue what I should do.

[Speak With a Student - Taira]

{Stay On Your Podium}

[astral-athame]

Hello! My name is Sapph! Welcome to my RP blog!

This blog is for an indie, witch, OC of mine: Cassia Keller. I'm currently making a more well put together bio page for her (including different verses), but in the mean time, this is where you'll find all the information you need <3

(Last Update: 1/1/2024)

Here are a few things to know (Feel free to read just the bolded stuff if you’re in a hurry, the unbolded just elaborates):

Mun is 25+ and will only rp with those who are 18+! If you aren’t 18+ please don’t interact. I’m just not comfortable with it.

I don’t write much smut, so I apologize if things head that way and I end up dropping the thread without warning (I don’t usually drop threads intentionally, it’s probably just stuck in my drafts until I’m in the headspace to write it, but that day might never come, so I apologize).

I have a separate side blog for nsfw content! I'll might reblog some smutty over there, though in general I prefer to write it on discord. It's not a smut shaming thing and I'll never judge anyone for writing it on their main blog! I just don't feel confident in my smut writing abilities so I like to keep it a bit separate sometimes.

I’m super slow with replies most of the time. Totally feel free to give me a nudge if it’s been a while since I’ve replied. I lose track of stuff so easily and then feel like I’m not allowed to reply to it when I remember it because it’s been a while.

I’m technically semi-selective, but mostly not selective at all. Aside from the rule of only writing with muns who are 18+, I’m actually not particularly selective.

I’ll ship just about anything with just about anyone, but I still reserve the right to not ship with a character, especially on first interaction.

Cassia is bisexual, so I'll ship her with any gender &lt;3

REBLOG KARMA: I try to be respectful and reblog things from the source or from a meme blog or whatever because I understand why people don’t want to be feel like they’re being used as a meme source. If I ever reblog something from you that isn’t a reply, I’m sorry. I try not to let it happen, but sometimes it does.

That said: REBLOG WHATEVER YOU WANT FROM ME. Seriously, it doesn’t bother me at all. You don’t even have to send me a meme to reblog it. Just... go ahead. Reblog it. It’s totally fine by me <3 (Though I would definitely prefer if you sent me a meme when you reblog.)

OOC conversation can be really hard for me. I try and usually I’m fine when it comes to plotting, but I drop the ball a lot or come off as cold a lot because I just don’t have the energy to talk ooc a lot of the time. Please don’t take it personally, it’s just that my social battery is usually at 40% or less in general oTL

If we’re shipping something together and you’ve decided you don’t ship it anymore / don’t want to write it anymore- please just tell me. It'll make life a lot easier on both of us <3

I may add more rules at a later point, but I think these are the most important ones <3

Handy Dandy Navigation Links!

The Icon PSD I Use (PSD by asa-resource!) The Divider I Use (Divider by Saradika!) Ask Memes Replies (every single thing I reply to should be tagged with this!) "About" (random headcanons and things that apply to Cass) "Visage" (pics of Cass's FC- Fiona Palomo) "Aesthetic" (all the pretty things~) "Thoughts" (similar to about, but more directly from Cass's head) "Desires" (just stuff Cass wants- mostly relationship things) "Alt FC" (Cass's original fc) "Wardrobe" (things Cass would wear / probably does wear) "Music" (songs Cass would listen to ) "Skills" (stuff Cass is good at- mostly music and baking things)

Other Blogs! Rogue Multimuse (main) Multimuse (secondary)

[theyilinglaozus]

Happy holidays, everyone! 🍷 🎄 I hope everyone is having an enjoyable and restful holiday season, and that these past few days have been relaxing for all.

Just felt like posting a little update -- I’m likely going to be taking a bit of a backseat from online time for the foreseeable future. Honestly haven’t been in the right headspace for it, especially recently as I feel I haven’t really been delivering on the gif and graphic creating front. It’s okay, it happens, my brain likes to hibernate this time of the year and let the gremlins creep free.

Right at this moment, I’d rather focus my time and energy on enjoying good books and watching dramas as well as discussing them with other people. I’m knee deep in the second season of Alchemy of Souls right now and have a lot of feelings; I feel more comfortable discussing my thoughts through my blog than on spaces where I sometimes feel a bit drowned out (especially now that I feel Twitter is more or less a detriment to social media than a benefit >_>) depending how the episodes I have yet to watch go, don’t be surprised if I post about it a little bit or you see more about it!

I’ve also finally started reading Babel (there’s a whole story attached to why this has taken me so long considering I preordered it back in July but, let’s not worry about how much bookstores can disappoint us!), so I might also pop in to share some thoughts on that at a later point, if anyone is at all interested. If not, I’ll just pop any talk on my Dreamwidth instead.

Wishing all you lovely friends and followers a happy new year!

[magicabout]

I worked at a landscaping company and guess what!

Everything about American landscaping is a scam that places you in a constant cycle of maintenance (that results in either YOU performing the back-breaking labor or paying someone else to do it) all in worship of the monocrop that is bluegrass (which I’m sure is fine within an actual ecosystem. Just. Not planted all on its own).

So many people just accept this as the standard and pay into this idea when it’s bad for the environment (water, pesticides & land usage), bad for the consumer (all that stuff about mulch and weed barrier? frequently needs to be done EVERY. YEAR), and honestly not great looking.

Want to mow or pay to mow several times a week? Want to spend money on pesticides and fungicides and weeding and etc. because your monocrop, by virtue of what it is, is naturally weak to being outcompeted by every other plant (“weeds,” but anything native or invasive better adapted to your climate)? Want to water it sometimes multiple times a day during the summer when you’re already paying other more vital energy costs? What about incidentals, where your yard isn’t shaped enough and you gotta tear up all that grass, bring in other soil and rock and etc. to shape it, then replant all over again? Is your yard hilly or weird-shaped? Congrats! Shaping issues like erosion control require more specialized solutions!

And that’s just the grass, not getting further into the bullshit @headspace-hotel is talking about with those isolated island plant “beds.”

I don’t have a yard of my own to start experimenting, but I’ve been to parks with different environments and I’ve seen “overgrown” gardens and there ARE options so please. I’m begging. Whatever the societal pressure in yard culture to worship grass just. Do something different if you can. You’ll save a lot of time and money in the long term if nothing else.

Imagine if baking bread was a skill any person living independently in their own house needed to have at least a passing familiarity with, so there were endless books, blogs and websites about how to bake bread, but none of them seemed to contain the most basic facts about how bread actually works.

You would go online and find questions like "Help, I put my bread in the oven, and it GOT BIGGER!" and instead of saying anything about bread naturally rises when you put yeast in it, the results would be advertising some kind of $970 device that punches the bread while it's baking so it doesn't rise.

Even the most reliable, factually grounded sources available would have only the barest scraps of information on the particularities of ingredients, such as how different types of flour differ and produce different results, or how yeast affects the flavor profile of bread. Rice flour, barley flour, potato flour and amaranth flour would be just as common as wheat flour, but finding sources that didn't treat them as functionally identical would be near impossible. At the same time, websites and books would list specific brands of flour in bread recipes, often without specifying anything else.

An unreasonable amount of people would be hellbent on doing something like baking a full-sized loaf of bread in under 3 minutes, and would regularly bake bread to charred cinders at 700 degrees in an attempt to accomplish this, but instead of gently telling people that their goal is not realistic, books claiming to be general resources would be framed entirely around the goal of baking bread as fast as possible, with entire chapters devoted to making the charred bread taste like it isn't charred.

Anyway, this is what landscaping is like.

[permanentconundrum]

7/22/24 Both are very Good

6:07pm It was a rough day at work today. I tell about it below, so don’t feel any necessity around reading it. Please put your positive energy into relationships you care for. I believe in you.

5:33pm I left work early today due to mental health - racing thoughts. Sometimes words just form chains in my head and I can’t concentrate. I can’t remember. If you read this, please send positive vibes and prayers. My technique for managing racing thoughts is to do a Headspace meditation but it wasn’t as calming as normal. I think it might have been because I wasn’t in a room with door closed. IDK for sure. It sucks so bad. This was the first time I left early at this job. Probably should have previously. Listening to a melancholy song by Phoebe Bridgers on repeat. Racing thoughts have basically stopped now. Drinking carbonated water now rather than beer and it tastes good. Too much beer this weekend, it’s too easy to drink too much. I’ll be proud if I don’t drink tonight. Every obstacle in life is a slippery slope. IDK what else I could try for racing thoughts at work. Maybe talking to someone but my head feels so jumbled in the moment. I should try talking to someone next time. There were two opportunities today but I felt jumbled. Tourniquet for my sadness. Is that emotional enough? 😭 What else could I try? I could try the Match 3D game. I don’t know if that will work very well. I could find another game. Mental health of a poet. Sometimes my perception overpowers my capacity to complete daily tasks. It’s funny how I can relax away the fucking racing thoughts by laying in bed. Today I wasn’t even listening to anything. Insufferable anxiety. I think fundamentally I need to find a way to calm down and not feel so “on the clock.” That would be a good aim. I don’t know if I’ll write a poem tonight. Maybe I’ll write more here in another post later tonight but I don’t know. At least I’m feeling better and not drinking beer. Both are very good.

[beta-thoughts]

Me and the big C!

No, not that big C. Truth be told it’s perhaps not big enough to warrant it’s own headline. No, I’m talking about Cuckolding.

This might turn into a rather long post but it is what it is and you’ll read if you’re interested I assume. For a bit of context, the significant other in my life that has been mentioned in a post or comment or two - I’ll henceforth refer to Her with Her chosen title, Madame, for reference. The topic of cucking has been brought up between us in the past but more and more recently and again this past weekend. Madame has tasked me with writing a little piece about my view and how I feel and think about it. You see I’m a bit weird in weird ways and sometimes it’s easier for me to write about something first and then She can read it and then we can talk about it further. And a disclaimer - much of this post is going to come across as selfish and only from my perspective and I’m well aware that selfishness isn’t really befitting of my station but my orders are to write about this from my perspective so that’s what I’m, being good and obedient, is going to do.

So cuckolding. I listened to a podcast last week - it was an interview with a cuckquean (I’ll dig up the link if anyone wants it) and she said one thing that really resonated with me. She said she was a submissive first, something else that isn’t relevant here and now second, and a cuckquean third. And I’ve been thinking about that and how it relates to me and my kinks. You see I’ve realized that my kinks are only kinks if they play into my submissiveness. By themselves, a lot of them stop being kinks. I’ll give you an example before diving further into the C-kink. Buttplugs. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a buttslut. So if I shove a plug up my butt it feels nice, I like it. But in itself it doesn’t turn me on. It’s nice in the same way the sun feels nice against my skin, the same way a wonderful meal tickles my tastebuds. It’s pleasurable, but not necessarily a turn-on. Now being told to put the plug in, yes a little bit. Having to ask to take it out, yes that as well. But the plug being there as such - it’s not a ”thing” unless it’s made into a thing, if I’m told it’s a thing and why it’s a thing, if it’s used against me. Then we’re cooking and then it both turns me on and deepens my sense of submission and inferiority which is ultimately my biggest kink and turn-on.

And it’s the same thing with cuckolding. Just the fact that Madame is having sex with someone else with me there/not there, watching/not watching? Can I be happy for Her? Of course. But (and here comes the selfish part if the above wasn’t enough) - does it do anything for me? Nope. I’m not what you might call a stag in the cuckolding lingo. It only becomes a thing if it’s used against me, through humiliation, degradation, ridicule or belittling (in a non-age play way just to be clear). Being ignored could work as well if it feels deliberate. But I need that external verbal or physical stimuli for it to become something that both arouses me and pushes me further into sub headspace where I’m also more easily aroused. I need to have it rubbed in my face, who knows, maybe literally.

And I’m going to keep rambling now because I’m on a roll. I took this train of thought a step further and tried to think of when don’t I need that external stimuli for a kink to become a kink. Bondage and restraint is the first thing that comes to mind. In bondage (Yay rope!) or somehow restrained I can self-feed the energy that pushes me deeper into sub headspace. I don’t need anyone else to do it for me. Same thing with sensory deprivation. And with impact play although not so much during but in the afterglow of endorphins I can also channel that sub energy myself without having it enforced onto me. Maybe things like corner time or being locked away in a cage or a closet or something could have a similar effect as well but I have virtually no experience with that so I don’t know. But I could imagine it could work as it’s a sort of restraint in way. But that’s it I think. I have like a million kinks but most of them only come into play if they feed into submission or are made to feed into submission. So now I’m actually sat here worried I’m a very high maintenance sub which is not at all what I want to be. And in one way I’m not because I’ll still do pretty much anything besides my limits and I’ll (for the mostpart) do them without fuss and to the best of my ability at the time. I don’t brat, I don’t go looking for punishments, I try to be the best I can be. But from the perspective of someone wanting me to get a high (or rather low) from stuff, yeah I think I’m unfortunately rather high maintenance. Which sucks because I hate the idea of making things more difficult. I would like myself to be an instrument with loads of strings that it’s easy and wonderfully delightful for someone to play and create melodies on the go. And I do have a ton of strings, they’re all over the place. But actually playing them with purpose and intent…yeah, I’m afraid that takes more effort than I’d like. 

But back to cuckolding. Sorry, this is like my strings, all over the place. Maybe I’ll cut this up into a couple of separate posts later, would perhaps make more sense. But let’s give a think then to why cuckolding is a kink…when it’s made into a kink in accordance with my extensive rambling above. I think it boils down to three things:

The more people that are above me, the further down I am in the hierarchy and that idea is very appealing. Perhaps I’m even actually poly in a kink setting, the thought has crossed my mind but let’s leave that for another day. So ideally, again from my selfish point of view, I’d like the third (or more) persons to be dominant towards me as well. That reinforces my place and I like that. It’s not a necessity but ideally, yes in some way. I don’t care about the dynamics above me as long as I’m on the bottom or at least close to it.

Someone else is getting what I’m not getting or am allowed/deserve to get. That doesn’t have to be sex but orgasmic pleasure is obviously a very strong statement to drive the point of where my place on the ladder is to it’s extreme.

This ties into the other two I suppose but the sheer humiliation of being less is very obvious in a situation where I’m excluded from an activity two or more other people are engaging in that looks like it’s fun. 

But then back again - the simple act of two people having sex, even if one of them is a Woman I love in itself is not a kink or a turn-on for me. It’s not a limit either, I can be happy for Her and glad She’s getting what She wants. But if I’m to get something out it - I need that external verbal or physical stimuli for it to ”do” something for me.

Jeepers, that’s a lot of words. Apologies for taking up the lion’s share of your evening but also thank you for reading to the end. I’m happy to discuss if anyone wants to - just leave a comment or send an ask or a DM. As you might have gathered…I’m not opposed to writing or chatting about this stuff. Or any stuff.