#will probably delete this eventually because this is honestly a level of Being Perceived that makes me uncomfortable because i feel patheti

[mingos]

oof. so… hello.

i know i’m not obligated to explain my absences, but i figured i should anyway because this is actually a long-standing issue i've been dealing with that, god fucking willing, doesn't happen againーbut that is what i told myself three weeks ago before it happened again. basically, because it can sometimes be so common, kinda just want to give a heads up if i ever start acting weird or distant because apparently i've upset some people i didn't mean to.

that stresses me out because, as i've mentioned before, i kind of have this tendency to shut down completely during stressful situations and not speak to anybody, which eventually turns into friends dropping me for a perceived lack of interest (not their fault, my fault). i'm actively trying to break that habit & be okay with vulnerability, so i want to be honest about where i've been and where i could potentially go in the future if this shit happens againーin a few weeks, in a few months, tomorrow... it all just depends, it's not a situation i can control. i'm not trying to ignore people. i just deal with a lot sometimes.

content warnings immediately below the cut but idk maybe just don’t read this if you’re in a bad headspace, or a really good headspace that you don't want ruined. no one should read this, actually. just jump to the last two paragraphs. this is just me explaining i'll hopefully feel okay enough to be back by the weekend.

-

cw: alcoholism; cw: domestic abuse; cw: gen. bad mental health

　i currently live in a dysfunctional situation with an alcoholic & addict family member as the last person in our family yet to distance themselves/cut them off. reason being is they relapse a lot. like, “an average of at least once every 2-4 months since i was 14” a lot. this is a long-standing problem. they’ve been through quite literally every treatment plan imaginable and nothing has stuck.

i do love this person; the majority of the time they're not relapsing, they’re kind & loving. when it’s good, it’s good. but when it’s bad jesus christ… i gotta level with you and say i've feared for my life a couple times.

they become angry & spiteful when drunk and, as of the last few years, physical. mostly when i try to confiscate things i find because i'm "stealing their property" and it’s therefore, to their drunk mind, justifiable. this is a mindset i’m still trying to unlearn because of course i don’t deserve it—taking a wine bottle away from an alcoholic for their own good isn’t justification for them almost suffocating you in an attempt to get it back, or breaking the lock on your bedroom door—but it’s hard to internalize that sometimes when your brain is beaten down, y’know?

when not being guilted into silence so i don’t “ruin their life more” or get threatened with being removed from the house by police, i’ve pretty much exhausted any sympathy or help i get from the rest of my family. half of them either have my # blocked or don’t answer under the weird assumption my family member is going to… use my phone to contact them? which is something that’s never happened before. the other half kind of just shrug because i’m choosing to say here and am an adult with the ability to leave whenever i want, just like they did.

　but i can’t leave—because, like i said, it’s just me now. no one else checks on this person, no one else lives with us, and i’ve already had to call 911 for them multiple times. living with them during a relapse is hell but so is whenever i have to leave the house because if something happens to them or their dog that suddenly becomes my fault. basically, whenever these episodes happen it’s just several days (or weeks) of nonstop stress. but there's nothing else i can really do. i just have to put up with it & ride it out.

-

　things have finally calmed down again; apologies were made, talks were had, we cleaned out their stash together... i finally have some breathing room. kind of. i still have no energy to do anything because i've just been in survival mode the last week (& also sick), so hopefully i can be back to writing by this weekend but i really don't know. i'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen so maybe i'm not out of that mindset just yetーi need to decompress a little before i can feel normal again.

thank you for your patience, and for those who have checked on me & especially those who were understanding it was kind of hard for me to have the energy to talk outside of my one or two comfort people. i miss you all very many and hope nothing more for you all to be loved, warm & safe. love you all very many.

[bibuckleykinard]

PLEASE TELL ME MORE

Honestly Kayla, finding this in my inbox is the highlight of my week, one of my favourite blogs on here @nilefreemans

I honestly have so many thoughts about bucktommy overall but tommy kinard is such an enigma in many ways and it’s kind of like sudoku where it’s a fun puzzle to play around with headcanons based on intentional and unintentional canon information and i have so many thoughts whenever i see gifs

cause like yeah it’s very easy to just be like yeah i’ve seen pics of lou with earrings but choosing to interpret it as an intentional character element adds so much to tommy’s character

cause yeah ear piercings are way less gendered now but i know i certainly grew up hearing so many gendered rules about who could or couldn’t get their ears pieced and the “gay earring”, and i imagine that would have been so much more amplified for Tommy, just the layers of pressure and closeting he is seemingly under prior to chimney begins— which makes the pierced ears even more interesting because jt means in universe that there was some point in time that tommy felt like he could step out of those confines and take what looks like this tiny little step but in reality is profound for him but only temporarily since we don’t see him wear them even outside of work iirc.

and i’m just fascinated by these little pockets of liberation for characters like tommy —like for ref. I watched spn and one of my favourite fic tropes is Stanford Era Dean where for a brief moment he doesn’t have to be hunter nobody is perceiving him and he gets to just be himself a queer man— which just feels very Tommy

like i don’t have hard or fast ideas and tommy doesn’t seems like the most traditionally impulsive (like buck) but more of a measured impulsivity where maybe he doesn’t seek things out but he’ll eagerly engage when it’s there- i mean see every time chimney has ‘dragged’ him into things/information out of him

So while I could easily see it being a throwaway line of like “oh yeah I forget about em, I got them when I lost a bet” or as a more active rebellious move of like hey I can't do something grander but I can do this and the kind of people who would see this as gay are the people I'm looking to spite right now

But my personal favourite is (again a lot of this is me just wanting an version of the stanford era dean segment of A Thousand Lives fic but Tommy pre-buck) I really enjoyed the idea that Tommy got his ears pieced because he wanted to just sincerely, even more so if in a bitter sweet way it’s in this blip of tommy’s life prior to coming out when he’s out to himself and dating men, going to queer spaces etc. and one of them is some queer man with the patience of a saint who one evening in a moment of calm intimacy probably brushing their hands through tommy’s hair and when noticing his ears ask tommy if he’s ever thought about getting them pierced- and at this window of post army and either pre LAFD entirely or just pre-buck 118- he has just enough courage to say yes and agree to getting them pierced, and like eventually this partner would somehow convince him to do some level of gender bending expression or drag like a Halloween costume (like please can somebody draw Tommy doing rock horror) and then bittersweet it’d probably link back to tommy being just not being ready for or in the right environment to be really fully out and a mutual break out as the other guy looking for a more visible relationship

i really wasn’t expecting this to be this long i had to fully delete a tangent i had about my thoughts on tommy and love actually but that’s for a different post lmao, again really honoured that you enjoyed my rambly tags enough to want to hear more, i wish i wrote fic so i could put these ideas together better but at least it’s there

[grison-in-space]

Oh for sure! It's doing something interesting, honestly—I wrote out and deleted a longer apologetic, but I think basically the most likely thing that's happening is that you have show runners who are asking: how does it change these very close, very committed relationships between two men when you have openly queer people all around them, and the "love that dare not speak its name" is actually pretty chatty in the vicinity? Canonically and textually on the screen, by the end of the first two episodes of S2 (where half the slash pairing shows up), you have at least three openly queer characters, two of whom have gotten major screen time dedicated to their relationships and journeys.

Basically, I see both why you had that reaction (extremely, extremely fair) and why someone might invoke the ship without necessarily completely missing your point. I haven't dug out the reblog yet but it's the kind of thing that could scratch the itch if you're not allergic to an endpoint that fits a more relationship-normative appearance, at least on a surface level. I really think that endpoint piece is the thing that makes or breaks the response to the canon.

Personally, my opinion is that much of what distinguishes the constructed feeling of friendships vs romantic relationships is the quality of feelings at the beginning of a relationship. As such, I'm not bothered by the transformation of a relationship that is perceived externally as non normative into one perceived as romantically normative, which I suspect is the most likely—probably for the best, because that's been the trajectory of my own life for the most part.

The show actually does a lot of playing with gendered storylines and queerness as a baseline, too. In its first season, a major plot unrelated to Buck centers around a straight woman whose husband has recently come out as gay and is gently trying to navigate divorce while she clings, because she's afraid of losing her family. He does come out, divorce does happen, and.... he continues being a major character, visibly chooses to invite her eventual new beau into the family, and then proceeds to spend the next six seasons acting like very close metamor friends with the new guy. This is treated as a highly significant relationship for that new guy, almost as significant as his romantic relationship with the woman involved.

Now, returning our lens to Buddie and the characters in that you have one character (Buck) who abruptly realizes he's bi approximately six years after he's met the other one. You have Eddie, who has never had a romantic plot with a woman on screen in which he's shown being enthusiastic about being with her, and who is heavily implied not to be personally interested in women. You have the success of shows like OFMD that take an intense relationship building between two men and textually queer it, and you have the original show runners of 911 rejoining the show as it's renewed and picked up by a new network.

I genuinely think that the most likely textual interpretation is that the show runners are explicitly interested in telling a story about how and why that very classic slash bait setting might actually be a textually queer romance, but have only recently been able to actually execute the punchline for that story after a number of delays caused by industry strikes, network changes, and other external interventions. This is one reason I am deliberately not getting excited about the potential for a relationship that complicates the cultural construct of romance and commitment: because I think the show runners are trying to tell a different story shaped by a different queer community and interpretation that has a different id.

That said, before the ending of S7 and the way in which Eddie explodes his personal life after Buck starts dating a guy, I could easily see a relationship anarchist interpretation of their relationship in which Eddie has a different answer in terms of what he actually wants. And there's a fairly vibrant fannish tradition invested in exploring those themes, too, as you sometimes get in a megafandom. It's complicated!

eta, having dug out the post:

.......yeah look no you could absolutely fit buddie in your tags there. I get that it's a giant fandom and people are deeply obnoxious, but canon just gave us "I asked my boyfriend to move in right after he discovered that we have the same most significant ex and that I am definitely the himbo she had to go date before fleeing the country, because I am mature and I want him to stay so bad and I can't figure out why everyone always leaves. Anyway he dumped me on the spot and fled. So I show up to my best friends place with beer because he's visibly not coping well and his kid, who I will legally receive custody of if he dies and I routinely take to the zoo and hang out with, has fled the state, and that is clearly also wearing on me so let's go be sad together.

Oh. He's inexplicably wearing only a button down, tighty whiteys, and tube socks, and he's shaved his moustache of sorrow. I'm... you know what, I'm not asking, I'm offering him a beer and we're just going to sit here and drink together in silence."

I cannot express how much of their dynamic is "what... what exactly are you two doing here again?"

hi op which straightforwardly romantic ship made you the angriest to see tagged on ur post

The one that drove me to make another update to the post in exasperation was Buck/Eddie 911, tumblr’s current favorite Slash Ship Du Jour, and I have never watched the show but I have a hard time believing “complex unlabellable closeness” accurately describes a slash ship that apparently Everyone On Tumblr has jumped on.

However the one that made me go “what the fuck dude, no” most was Wincest.

[bigskydreaming]

Like, the thing you guys gotta understand is my loud opinions are far more defense mechanism than they are “I think I am right and nobody else is ever and people should listen to me only.”

Nah. They’re literally just me being as loud and as visible with the stuff that matters the most to me as is possible....because that actually minimizes the flack I catch for y’know...stuff I’m truly passionate about believing.

For example, my online behavior and tendencies in fandom on tumblr specifically....were largely shaped by my experiences in Teen Wolf fandom. Where I started out being as civil as possible wherever possible, and gradually got louder and angrier over time because THAT DIDN’T MATTER. Its why tone policing is bullshit, through and through. Because the real issue was never HOW I was saying what I was saying, it was what I was saying at all.

See, I flat out don’t like the fandom fave Stiles, as he’s portrayed on the show, and never did. Not from day one. He bothered the fuck out of me from the pilot. And this is a very controversial opinion in TW fandom, and was far more so back when I was first becoming ‘known’ in fandom, whatever the fuck that means or is even worth (seriously, its not worth a lot. You guys, stop putting so much weight in the visibility of more ‘well known’ bloggers....that doesn’t directly translate into the influence you think it does, especially when those bloggers are still holding what the majority of a fandom deems ‘unpopular’ opinions).

But back in my early TW days, I wasn’t really ‘known’ at all, for my blog and my opinions on the show. I was better known for my fics, which at the beginning, I was writing and updating fairly quickly. I’ve published somewhere just shy of 100,000 words of TW fanfic....and the vast majority of that was all written in just the first year or two in fandom.

And the thing is, for people who just found me on Ao3 and not on my blog originally....they weren’t as immediately aware of my bias against Stiles. Because I hate bashing ANY characters in fic. Even ones I don’t like, because the point of fanfic for me, is to FIX my personal issues with the source material, improve on the things *I* especially dislike....so even though I dislike Stiles on the show, in my better known TW fics, he was still present, and I was still trying to be as true to his core characterization as possible, WHILE addressing what I considered his core problem areas.

The kicker being.....a LOT of Stiles-fans LIKED my fanfic depiction of Stiles. A lot of S/terek fans included. You look at my TW fics like Where Wild Things Are or Lightning Crashes in particular....you’re gonna find a LOT of comments from self-proclaimed S/terek fans and Stiles stans....and those are just the ones I didn’t delete when I was forced to aggressively moderate my comments when a lot of those same commenters got loud and angry at me.

Which they did see....once they started connecting my Ao3 account to my blog, and my opinions on the show in general, which were starting to be more widespread in fandom due to some better known mutuals. I mean, its not like it was a big secret. My Ao3 pen name for my Teen Wolf fic is bigskydreamin’. It....wasn’t really anything I felt I needed to clarify, lmao.

But once people realized that the very same writer they liked for his take on Stiles very vocally disliked the show’s Stiles because of behaviors and scenes that I quote unquote deemed abusive (which I do, and stand by to this day).....they went fucking APESHIT on me. Like.....I can not even TELL you the extent of the nasty comments, anons, emails and reviews I got from some of the very same people who previously were glowing in their praise of my fics, especially the Stiles scenes.

All because I didn’t like the show’s depiction of certain behaviors and toxic dynamics, and set out to improve these things in my fic while being true to the characterizations....and which they had LIKED....until they realized my take didn’t come from a place of “oh I think Stiles is just the best.”

And then the fateful day came when one of them flat out asked me why I didn’t ship S/terek and if I would ever write S/terek....

And I had the balls to answer honestly. LOL. I wasn’t even insulting or offensive...just blunt. I told the person that I have serious issues with S/terek because of the power dynamics and the way they’re romanticized within fandom and most fics rather than called out and addressed, and I said I would never have any interest in tackling these topics myself in any kind of S/terek fic because my own past with abuse makes the ship just inherently unappealing to me because of how I perceive it, and I feel zero desire to ‘fix’ a thing I wouldn’t want on any level to begin with.

And they went and told all their friends and lol, RIP the rest of my TW years - and this was probably back in like, Year Two of my time in TW fandom. For a more accurate estimate, look for when I lost the will to update my big fics, because like. What was the point? Any positive reaction I got from updates at the time was just drowned out by the hate I got for adding to a story many of them were still reading, judging by the way my hit counts were still pretty steady with what they’d been with previous updates.....but that at the same time, they were heaping all kinds of shit on me for just....having opinions they didn’t like at the same time as I wrote stuff they still DID like.

The juxtaposition of those two things....lol. Man. Its a trip, I’ll tell you that.

And to be honest, the same thing has been happening ever since I started being more involved in Batfandom. You guys know how I reblog a lot of my own posts? That’s not something I used to do like, ever in TW fandom...because all the content I was making then was fresh. But I’ve always been a fan of Dick Grayson even while I was knee deep in TW fandom, so my longtime followers can tell you....I’ve been making these posts about him all along. A lot of my more popular Dick Grayson posts were written years ago, before I started getting active in this fandom....which only really happened over last summer. 

And the difference in TONE in a lot of my posts, is a lot of the ‘tamer’ posts.....which express the exact same viewpoints I have as in my more heated posts.....is because my ‘tamer’ posts were written as one-offs that I just wrote in passing while in a fandom that generally didn’t have any interest in my Batfamily musings....which did not at all stop me from still making those posts from time to time....because I don’t post ANYTHING for the sake of getting notes. Its literally just shit that’s on my mind, that I want to put out there for people to do whatever the hell they feel like doing with them. 

And so most of the posts I reblog, that seem more ‘mild’....its because I wrote them years ago, they got like maybe ten notes at the time, lol, and I’m reblogging them now because I have more of a platform and think they’d still be of interest to fans of that content specifically....but the stark tone difference is because when I wrote THOSE....nobody was jumping on my back the second I hit post to tell me how obviously wrong and stupid I was for not getting this or that or that and having this opinion on this character or just “caring too much about fictional characters.”

Like, you get what you give, people. You throw shit at me, eventually, I’m gonna start throwing shit back, and no, you don’t get to be pissed about that when all the evidence is there that I’m MORE than capable AND willing to have a good time just by myself....and more than happy to have people join in....as long as nobody’s being a douchebag. But if you get your douchebaggery on and start making my life hell....I’m gonna start raising my voice, because that shit fucking sucks.

The sheer vitriol I got for simply stating that I have no interest in writing a S/terek dynamic I see as inherently toxic due to the inherent power imbalances, BECAUSE of my own history as an abuse and rape survivor, which I was frank about.....it blows my mind. People are literally OFFENDED that in response to questions THEY asked me, I said....I do not like this thing, because of how it affects my feelings about my own trauma. 

Like, for years I have gotten monthly hatemail in my asks for spreading toxicity and hate through the TW fandom and ‘hurting real abuse/rape survivors by misleading people and calling S/terek pedophilic and misusing terms like that’....

And the utterly hilarious thing (in that not at all sort of way), is I have never ONCE called S/terek pedophilic, or anyone who ships it a pedophile. Never. Once!

You know why? Its not even because of my own personal view on whether or not that’s an accurate label for that ship....its because IT WASN’T EVEN RELEVANT TO THE SPECIFIC CRITICISMS I’VE ALWAYS FOCUSED ON MAKING.

Like, I literally never even got AROUND to expressing whether or not I thought that was a label that applies to that ship, because I’ve always had plenty of thoughts just purely on the specific power imbalances as I break them down in my view of that pairing....REGARDLESS of what you label those power imbalances. I don’t fucking CARE about the terminology. My concern has never once been what the fuck you call it, so I never made it ABOUT what anyone calls it, and purely focused on why I think it isn’t healthy just in specific terms.....and yes, pulled from my own personal experience and knowledge of abuse to back up why I feel that way, and to clarify why I feel so strongly about it.

But does any of this matter? Nope. Because all people cared about when directing hate my way for my oh so controversial opinions was not what was accurate to my views, but what was effective in discrediting them.

And the same shit is already happening in Batfandom, and its obnoxious, and tired, and yeah, its why I’m already kinda coming out of the gate hot and heavy, because within like....less than two months of me starting to post more regularly about Batfam specific content and getting some followers who have large fandom presences and boosted my posts to a pretty broad fandom circulation....

Its like, welcome to TW fandom, rinse and repeat.

Hardly any of the actual flack I’ve gotten in this fandom so far has anything whatsoever to do with my opinions on the Batfam....its almost all about the fact that I don’t like noncon/pedophilia/incest fics and am critical of the permissive attitude fandom spaces have cultivated around this stuff. And of the fact that I think the culture of false positivity fandom spaces try to enforce at the expense of marginalized fans who try to speak up about their experiences with racism and other forms of oppression and bigotry online, like, is similarly bullshit. Like, the thing people don’t like me for most of all, is that I’m LOUD and OPINIONATED about saying that these things specifically, fucking suck, and here are my own personal experiences that make me feel that way.

And notice the lack of actual argument with my actual posts. Notice how its all about ME....my volume....my ‘irrationality’....my obvious mental health issues (I’ve heard that one a couple times already, lol - no shit, I’m ADHD, have longterm PTSD, and a literal lifetime’s worth of trauma I’m still actively unpacking and sorting through, lol, what the fuck was the revelation in me having mental health issues? I’m not shy about it, and I don’t use it as an excuse for being an asshole.....guess what? I’m an asshole sometimes, and I can absolutely point to when and where I’ve been one. I’m not hiding it, and I’m not hiding behind mental illness).

Plus, y’know there’s my ‘fake wokeness’ because a white man can’t have any possible reasons or experiences that lead to him choosing to prioritize supporting people of color in fandom over other white people while still firmly being motivated by things that are born of his own life and his own lane, and just *gasp* happen to make me care more about certain shit than other white people do, like.....I’m as transparent as I am about my feelings and motivations for a REASON. I’m not UNAWARE of any of this or how I come across.....the thing so many of you don’t get is that none of this is a multiple choice test where you have to circle the right answer and you pass, you’re a good ally or a good influence or a good person.....all of this is just life. Its just us all making choices and everyone else reacting to those choices in whatever the hell way they choose. 

I’m not trying to win any points with anybody.....if I DID care about cultivating my own influence in fandom, I MORE than have the communication skills to couch my most controversial opinions in language that would be more palatable to the MOST influential corners of fandom, draw more people in, be less alienating or distancing to people who have a kneejerk defensive reaction to a lot of the things I say....like, however influential I may or may not be in various fandoms and various fandom circles....I am perfectly aware of how I could say or do things differently to have MORE influence in broader reaching circles....I just fucking hate that kind of game playing. 

I’m the opposite of trying to win points....I just want the people who are around me and who follow me to actually RESPECT me enough to fucking listen to me and what I have to say....because otherwise, how do either of us even benefit? What’s the point? Who’s gaining anything from any interaction?

So yeah. I’m loud, and vocal, and opinionated....I say exactly what’s on my mind and I don’t apologize for it. I’m an asshole to people who are an asshole to me first, and sometimes I fuck up and I’m an asshole to people who don’t deserve it. And if you call me on that and I pull my head out of my ass soon enough to notice in time that you’re right and I owe you an apology, I’ll do that! And if you don’t want to call me on it and choose to take the offense I caused as a reason not to follow me or interact with me any further....that’s perfect valid and understandable too, and absolutely your right! Do what you need to do for you!

But the one thing that will never ever ever win you any points with me and that I just despise more than anything....is the fundamental lack of awareness, and lack of respect for me and what I’ve lived through....that the S/terek readers of mine who started the chain of events that led to me settling on my current approach to interacting with fandoms.

That thing where some people in various fandoms think its perfectly acceptable and reasonable to like some of my fan content....but then get pissed and upset with me because I don’t like all of the same things you do, think all of the things you do, and am judgmental about various ships you might have or fics you might read or write......and then take this out on me.

Nuh uh. Not okay. Never okay. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, I DO NOT SIT THERE AND TAKE THAT SHIT.

Because the thing the people this describes seem incapable or unwilling to grasp is....

For all your talk of “don’t like/don’t read” and telling me and other survivors to take responsibility for curating our own fandom content and experiences and avoiding things that might trigger us....

Even when I TRY and do that to the absolute BEST of my ability.....some of you still get pissed at me and go on the offensive because I don’t want to interact or be around certain content or people who are inspired to create that content....because of what it brings up for me, because of my various past traumas.

Like, that’s what it boils down to, IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. People liking what I have to say, until I say I don’t like something they don’t like and here’s why....and then its open fucking season, because how dare I not want to associate with them because that association is likely to expose me to triggering things they also at the same time expect me to take responsibility for avoiding, so as not to blame anyone else for my exposure to such things.

Can you please maybe understand why that fundamentally DOES NOT FUCKING WORK??

And is not only utterly unreasonable, but offensive to ask of someone who’s just trying to participate in fandom and have a good time and simply STATE when and where relevant, that there are things that impact my ability to have a good time, just as there are things that impact the ability of other fans to enjoy themselves alongside you as well?

Or are we ever going to get around to some people admitting that their fandom experiences have absolutely nothing to do with caring about the ‘community’ people swear up and down exists, and solely prioritize their own personal enjoyment, and FUCK everyone else? (While meanwhile, also being all: but why aren’t they making more of the stuff that I at least was enjoying when they weren’t bitching about not having fun here?’ LOL. Can’t ever forget that part.)

Its just.

You all are fucking exhausting sometimes, I swear. And that doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere, because I have as much right to be here as anyone, and I DO still manage to have a good time a lot of the time in spite of this crap, but that’s never gonna stop me from saying I have a right to have more of a good time and less of a literally triggered time, if any of you might ever care to prioritize that for me as much as you ask me to prioritize your good times for you.

This isn’t me doing anything other than saying....you all are fucking exhausting sometimes, I swear. Because sometimes, I just want to say that. Sometimes, it feels good to say that. And at every time, I have every damn right to say that in any way, shape or form I want to say it, at any volume I want to say it at, because none of this is me yelling at anyone, it is every single one of us sitting safe and comfortable in front of a screen of some kind, reading someone else express themselves and deciding how we want to take that expression and what’s being expressed, and how we want to react or not react in turn.

Like....just...its that fucking simple. That is literally all so much of this fucking ‘discourse’ is. People experiencing life in different ways than other people, and some people wanting to improve their experiences, some people wanting their experiences to stay just the way they are, some people wanting to ignore every experience that doesn’t fit their expectations or desired interactions, and other people just.....idk, just being fucking high, let’s face it, half the shit on this site is just plain weird and I like to assume the best of humanity and just chalk it up to half this site’s user base being high as fuck most of the time they post, LOL. 

*Shrugs* Congrats if you actually read all the way through to the end of this post....like....this is where I reiterate...I have ZERO expectations for this post. I have NO clue how people will react to it, how many or how few people will take it in the way I want it to be taken, especially because *I* don’t even know how I want it to be taken or what I would like to come of it. This is literally just me saying shit that is on my brain in response to my own personal experiences on this site and in this fandom. It is utterly, 100% up to you guys to decide what you do with it from here.

If I have one want for all fandoms, I guess it would just be.....for people to look to their own behavior and motivations and choices and take responsibility for their own shit before projecting onto other people and expecting them to do all of that while still refusing to do any of it themselves.

Too many people keep trying to drive one way on what are supposed to be two-way streets, and being shocked when that repeatedly results in collisions, pileups, accidents and blatant hit and runs.

We all live in a society.

Quit treating other members of that society like they only exist to cater to your existence alone.

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @marvelatmytrash for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely Bee, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

I think I had just turned 22, I was fresh out of undergrad and wanted a way to keep my writing and editing skills sharp while I job hunted.

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I think I’ve only written reader inserts. I usually leave their physical attributes nondescript but I definitely create intense personalities to all my reader inserts. I think I do this because I want my readers to imagine themselves as these strong, kickass females, who are also vulnerable, but have weak spots, the same way all of us do. I put a lot of effort into creating strong female characters that still have flaws, no Mary Sues for me!

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

I love writing Marvel. I pretty much only write Marvel, predominantly Canon because I have so much comic book knowledge, plus I love writing fight scenes.

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

Oh lord, probably Compensation and Consequences, its just a small little one shot that I did as a request but its a Game of Thrones AU. It definitely has some problematic choices in it, I totally shoe horned the sex and attraction into it. Overall it’s just trash.

5) When is your preferred time to write?

I always find myself writing at 1am or onwards. A lot of the time I’ll just knuckle down around 1am and do what I call a writing sprint, where I’ll write all the new parts for whatever stories I’m working on and get them all done in one night, then edit the next day and start queuing them up.

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

This is so embarrassing but I get most inspired by listening to musical soundtracks. There are a couple of my stories that have direct song quotes from Waitress and Heathers. Musicals are so rich and overdramatic, they have always been a big part of my emotional development. So whenever inspiration strikes I have a whole playlist of angst songs or love songs from various musicals that I just play in the background on repeat and I will shamelessly pull lines directly from them.

7) In your Divided series, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

Ooo that’s such a tough one, honestly that whole series is just one of my absolute favorites. But if I had to choose, I think the chase scene in Bucharest. It’s so dynamic and there is so much happening and I honestly watched that scene frame by frame for a week and worked this original character into it step by step.

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

I’ve never changed the story itself. A couple times I’ve changed the formatting at peoples suggestions. I didn’t chunk my paragraphs well when I first started, but someone suggested I break it up more so I did. It’s little changes like that, but I would never change what I write because someone dislikes it. My writing is for me, I’m just sharing it with others for fun.

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

Bucky. Absolutely Bucky. Though I am warming up to Steve. He has such dimension to him, he’s been a favorite of mine ever since I started reading comic books. His story is so sad and in-depth and there has always been room for new details and development in every reboot. He’s such a dynamic character and that makes him such a treat to write.

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

Hahaha I guess Thor, but I actively avoid writing him cause his tone is so hard to get right without over doing it, so I’m not sure if he counts. Tony is tough too, cause you want to be quippy and clever without being over the top, and that’s a very fine line.

11) How did you come up with the title for the Divided series?

I am a big fan of one word titles, maybe I am just on the Disney train with Tangled, Brave, Frozen, etc. I love it when one word can encapsulate what the series is about and also when the word has more weight than just it’s basic meaning. Aftershocks, my first series, is a good example of this. The main character has suffered from shock torture and has a lot of scars and residual issues from it, but Aftershocks is also a psych term sometimes used to refer to the radiating effects of PTSD on the victim and those around them. Divided was the same way, it encapsulated both the theme of Civil War which is the changing and division of Tony and Steve’s relationship and also shows how Bucky and Steve, though still perceived as a unit are Divided now by not only their different experiences but their competition for the same woman.

12) How did you come up with the idea for Divided series?

I’m honestly not entirely sure. I had this basic idea of working a reader into Bucky’s story in Civil War, but the original plan didn’t have Steve involved at all and definitely wasn’t on the level that Divided eventually became. Once I decided that the reader would start with Steve, it immediately raised the stakes of the whole story and this character of The Scorpion began to take shape. After that, the whole thing got pretty easy, she was a fully formed character and a lot of what happened in Divided was just me asking myself what choices this character would make and how the surrounding characters would honestly respond. I try really hard to just develop my characters thoroughly and then let them make honest choices, I think that’s the best way to keep a story real and authentic.

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

Oh yes, my hidden shame, and it haunts me. It’s called Royal Flush, and it currently has 3 parts. It’s a T’Challa fic and a lot of people have found it and liked it and I feel so guilty that it hasn’t gone anywhere in a year. Honestly, this mess up is totally on me. I never draft out my stories, and I know I should, I usually just make it up as I got along and sometimes I just hit a blockade with where it’s going to go. I definitely want to finish that fic, but just have no idea how, so if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, throw them my way!

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

I’m going to say Divided, just because it is one of my favorites and I so deeply love Scorpion as a character. Her struggle in Divided was so hard and I hate to leave her there just heartbroken. I have drafted a couple followups for that story, but after how Infinity War ended, I feel like it would just be cruel to put her through losing Bucky all over again.

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

I am happy to say that there are none that I would do differently. I’m extremely content in how they all ended.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

I mean first and foremost, I have to talk about @imhereforbvcky, she was my first real friend on here. We started talking when I was writing Aftershocks and I eventually convinced her to take a crack at writing herself and she finally did and wrote this incredible fic, I’ll Be Good. It honestly is so amazing! Mee specializes in the fem fatale, she writes these incredible badasses that are all dark and twisty, I honestly don’t know how she makes violence so elegant, but she does.

@denialanderror is another one, her Melodies series is so perfect and lovely, she gets this beautiful vulnerability to Bucky that just attacks my heart. It’s such a wonderful change of pace from the way that I write and I always reread it whenever I need to be reminded of the soft parts in his personhood. I honestly love it so much and recommend it to everyone. Plus she is an amazing friend and such a fun person to send memes back and forth with.

Finally @bitsandbobsandstuff just full on destroyed me as a person with Safe With Me. That story honestly puts everything I’ve ever written to shame, her deep understanding of Bucky as a character is just like nothing else I’ve ever read. It’s such an in-depth story with an incredible slow burn, if you haven’t read it yet, you are missing out.

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

I cringe a little bit with Aftershocks, my first series, but I also see a lot of value in it. Whenever I get stuck or think my writing isn’t good enough, I reread it and remind myself how far I have come as a writer, and that always helps to get me back on track.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Both, sometimes I just have the same song playing on repeat in the background, other times I need complete silence cause the monologue in my head is flowing so quickly. I definitely edit in silence, I cannot hear my tone or catch my mistakes when rereading if I don’t have silence.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

Hahaha I have, I cried while writing a couple parts of Divided, that story is very close to my heart cause the love triangle in it is unfortunately something that happened to me, and I accidentally hurt someone I cared for a lot.

20) Which part of your Divided series fic was the hardest to write?

Hahaha probably the one or two sex scenes I snuck into it hahaha. It was just not a story that really leant itself to smut. Like you’re not going to be running for your life, camping out with fellow teammates and just quietly have a fuck in the dirt. So squeezing those sex scenes in there always felt a bit funny to me, but I think in the long run they both fit and were put in at appropriate times.

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

I probably should make an outline but I always just go with the flow, I honestly have no idea where my stories are going till they get there. But I do reread my story whenever I get stuck so that way I can tie things back in or close up lose ends.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction?

To breakup my paragraphs and use the keep reading button hahaha

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

I am currently feeling that way about a story I just started called Siren’s Soldier, so I paused it for a little bit to see if it was worth continuing but it recently got a bunch of love while I was in Italy so it might be time to come back to it.

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Nothing that I’ve written to be honest. There are a couple of exceptionally problematic stories that have an absurd amount of notes and that bums me out, just because I don’t like seeing those kind of relationships idolized or modeled. To clarify, the issue I have is that these kind of stories have a lot of gas lighting, self harm, non consensual sex, and sometimes even violent relationship dynamics. I work very hard to make sure that my characters model healthy relationship habits and positive communication because we need to stop romanticizing rape and abuse in relationships, so it bugs me when fics that do that are popular.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

I model my readers off of specific parts on my own personality. I essentially take one side of myself and just exacerbate it into a whole character. I am a very independent person and a feminist myself so a lot of my female characters have those similar qualities of independence and confidence. Especially when doing reader inserts, you want to make the character someone that you yourself want to be, your alter ego, someone to escape to. That’s why I’ll let my characters, be selfish or shitty communicators but I’ll never let them get down on themselves, we do enough of that in our real lives, lets not do it in our fantasy lives.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

Hmmm this is a hard one, @imhereforbvcky sent me a very disarming compliment the other day that totally moved me to tears. But most of the ones that really hit me are when people recognize the amount of effort that goes into everything, or when they message me to talk about my story and see all the little easter eggs I’ve tossed into the early chapters. I also live for every reblog you’ve ever done, they always make me feel so loved and valued, I’ve honestly have gone back and reread your reblogs when I’m feeling down on my writing and they always pick me back up. It takes a lot of time to create a world and characters and tie everything together in one neat story and having that recognized always makes my heart sing!

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

I haven’t really gotten a lot of harsh criticism, I’ve gotten bullshit anonymous messages that are just mean, but no real criticism. I’ve gotten constructive criticism but a lot of that has been kind and helpful so I don’t take that personally at all.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

@imhereforbvcky and @denialanderror and I have a group chat on instagram so whenever I’m particularly jazzed about something I drop the premise into that chat and get their feedback but most of my big twists or turns I keep close to my chest so that way they can be a surprise to everyone.

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction? In my real life?

Some people. My best friend knows but she’s never read it. My boyfriend knows and sometimes reads the smut I write and will use it against me in bed. He frequently likes to quote some of my own lines to me, he thinks its funny, I don’t find it as amusing. But he is a lot of my inspiration for writing positive relationship dynamics, we work really hard at having a healthy, communicative relationship and that manifests in my writing frequently.

30) What’s you favorite minor character you’ve written?

I really like Om, this character I wrote for Siren’s Soldier, they are non binary and do not have a set gender identity so that was fun to play with and extrapolate on, especially because their non-binary personality had a lot to do with their power so that was really cool to explore to explore.

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

I generally get really excited when things are free flowing so I guess I spur myself on. I take a lot of joy and pleasure in the things I write and feel my stomach twist when I’m writing suspenseful parts, so a lot of it is just my own enjoyment.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

I’m a sucker for the slow burn, so I love writing the enemies become lovers trope. Usually I don’t actually start them as real enemies, but they never start close or as friends. I’m not a big fan of the falling in love with my best friend trope, as I have a bunch of guy friends that I have never once had an urge to fall in love with haha.

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

Oh god, I honestly can’t. I wish I could. I didn’t start reading fanfic until after Civil War came out and I graduated from college. I remember being in a place where I was just disenchanted with porn but I was super into marvel so I went looking for marvel smut on the internet and found the Bucky smut rabbit hole. I remember reading a lot of different stories and never finding exactly what I wanted and also finding a lot of problematic sexual relationships. At that time I was working as a sex education teacher and I remember thinking that I could write better smut with healthier relationship dynamics, and I did. That’s how it all started.

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Ooooh blimey, this is impossible because I write a combination of all three most times. I guess I would have to say angst, causing it doesn’t get boring so easily. There are so many angst tropes to explore and play with. So yes, definitely angst.

[hellychatterjee]

7 Things To Stop Doing [12/01/19]

Hey guys, it's Helly and welcome back to my YouTube channel in today's video I'm gonna tell you guys about seven things you need to stop doing right now if you want to lead a more happy and productive life so if you are someone who has a lot of bad habits or you want to have a better life keep watching today's video note that I'm a person who has also fallen victim to some of these I have gotten over some of these and I'm still getting over some of these so I am nowhere near perfect but I think as a community these are things that we can really discuss so without any further ado let's get into this video and make sure you're subscribed to my channel so that you know every time I post a new video so the first thing that you should really really stop doing is checking your phone the moment you get up and if you're a millennial I know you do this all the time because guess what I did it all the time as well and then I saw this amazing session by Mel Robbins it made me laugh but it also made me realize how stupid we all are we're ready to consume others crap even before we are vertical and that is such a crazy thought right you have probably never thought about this in the same way as I'm a person whose work is always on the phone and laptop I am someone who always does this but after watching that session I have considerably stopped picking up my phone the first thing in the morning so what I do is I keep my phone either away or if I'm listening to an audio book at night I tell my parents that if they happen to wake up before me just move the phone away from me and since they are Indian parents they love they love they absolutely love taking my phone away from me so I am really grateful to them for doing this for me if you do not have someone to help you in this way I think that you need to have some self-control and not reach out for the phone the first thing in the morning you can use Mel Robbins own rule that is the five-second rule just count till and immediately get up without even looking at the phone in the morning and I know it may sound a bit difficult in the beginning because it's such an addictive thing you know but if you do this for days straight chances are that it will become a habit and you will never ever pick up your phone the first thing in the morning again the second thing that you should really stop doing is doubting yourself I am a power sinn who always doubts ourselves I'm always thinking that I'm not perfect I'm not doing this perfectly this is not turning out the way I wanted to and chances are that you are doing that too and you are also doubting yourself all the time but guess what perfection is something that can never be attained and if you keep delaying projects just because you think you're not perfect yet and you have doubts about yourself and your work chances are that you will never get that work done and never progress in your life so what you should do is do the job do it the way you want to maybe it won't be perfect maybe the person who is examining you or maybe the person who sees that will criticize you and guess what the criticism is going to help you further in life to improve that project and since you improve that project you will get better criticism and eventually perfect that piece of work of that piece of job and I feel that is so important I never wanted to make youtube videos after a one-year span because I thought that my videos were not being as good I was not been watched by as many people as I would want to be watched by even now I am NOT but then that is something that I have to keep striving for and I'm always learning new things I'm always learning new skills of editing how to shoot better whatever your job or creative field is it will be the same with you so keep improvising but never ever doubt yourself and never ever doubt and delay any process in your life the third thing you should stop doing and honestly this is more for me I guess that is giving up easily I think a big problem of our generation is that we give up too easily we don't have patience the moment we want something we want it and if things do not go right we don't perceive here I think this happens the most when we are trying to learn a new skill like calligraphy or singing or dancing we start doing something and we then just stop because it's not being as perfect as we would want it to be we want to dance like amazing dancers but we are always not giving as much effort that we probably should and we give up too easily and that is definitely something we all need to work on so something very simple that I started doing two years ago was meditation but I could just not focus as much as I should have probably to be good at it but right now I am focusing more on meditating and I've been doing it better thanks you guys you gave me a lot of tips in my previous videos and that helped a lot and I think that not giving up this time helped me a lot if there is something that you're doing and you're not getting as much success as you expected you would please perceive you please keep trying to do that as long as you can the speed of every person is different something that I learn in a month may take a year for you something that you may learn the month may take three years for me we are very very different from each other so don't compare yourself with others whatever you're doing keep going at your pace and success will come to you one day or the other let's talk about impulse shopping we have all done it we have always gone somewhere we saw something amazing or something delicious and we immediately put it in our card and checked out well impulse shopping is bad in so many ways first of all it is very very bad for your personal finance and secondly most of the times the things you buy on impulse and not even need it and later you realize that you could have better spent that money on something you actually needed and by the time you realize that it's definitely too late so I feel that you should definitely stop impulse buying if you want to stop impulse buying there are three ways to do it number one always try to trade in cash never use your card as long as it's not an emergency because I feel that when you're shopping using your card you spend a lot more money than you actually would and you probably know this as well but it seems really nice you know because the amount in your bank is definitely a lot more than what you'd probably be able to carry in cash and when you are paying from that account it seems like a very small amount of money but it is a significant amount of money the second way to stop impulse buying is that make a to-do list every time you're going out to shop or going online to shop so that you stick to your list and don't shop for things that are actually not necessarily good and the most effective tip to stop impulse buying is to count the digits in the item that you're buying so if you are buying something worth a hundred rupees on impulse and it is not something that is very necessary for you wait for three days before you actually buy it if you are going to buy something of about a thousand rupees wait for four days before you actually go and buy and most of the times by the time the days pass you either forget about it or you realize that it's actually not needed and that has helped me a lot in reducing my impulse shopping habits when I started making my own money it was very easy to go with the flow and spend all I can especially on books but even that is something that I need to control to a certain level and so should you next will be more of a health tip and that will be having less sugar we always have a lot of sugar and you never know when it is going to affect you as long as you're not really suffering from anything it's really hard to stop eating sugar and it's okay if you do have sugary stuff but try to keep that amount less than  grams of added sugar every day it is a very very easy way to control just stop adding instead of maybe three spoons start adding two spoonfuls and then move to one spoon food and slowly if you reduce these amounts you will see a significant change in your health and your whole body I really feel that if having something sugary makes you very happy then you should definitely go for it but if you want to be healthy you can start at sugar because I think it's a very very easy way to start caring about your health and I think that caring about your health is one of the most important steps in self-love the sixth tip will be to stop spending so much time on social media I know you're watching me on YouTube and that is something you should definitely do but like jokes apart most of the times we look at our social media feed and we realize there are so many people around us who are so perfect there leading perfect lives having perfect food travelling to perfect places which we can probably never afford they are having the perfect lives the perfectly curated lives rather that we aspire for and since I'm a social media person most of my work is related to social media let me tell you that getting a perfect photo takes somewhere between one to three hours and getting a perfect video I won't even talk about that so everything that you're seeing is curated the worst parts of it are always deleted and not for public eye you're only seeing the best sides of it and if you have where to see the behind-the-scenes you will be shocked at the realities social media is definitely something you should be looking at if want inspiration follow the people who inspire you follow the people who guide you follow the people who make you happy but make sure you're not being controlled or manipulated by the type of lives they are living or rather sure that they are living on social media and that is something that you can only do if you limit your time on social media there are so many apps that will help you do this and I'm definitely sure that you're going to be trying a few of them out and letting me know in the comment section below and the last thing that I want you guys to stop doing and something that I have never done in my life and I'm so proud of it that is binge watching binge watching is such a bad habit guys and with Netflix around it has become more common than ever and there are a lot of people who ask me why I don't binge watch series on Netflix or why I don't watch series on Netflix the main reason is that it's very addictive each episode is just about one hour but then if you compile the whole time if you spend that time doing something more productive or even spending time with your family so maybe you're watching a series of ten hours in one day by binge watching just think about how much time you could have invested in something else with that amount of time invested in something more productive you could have done wonders but you wasted the time watching a very entertaining series and I know entertainment is very important but keep in mind that entertainment is something you should resort to when you're taking a break most of the times not as a way of living so stop binge watching right now a very very good way to do this once again will be to limit your screen time using different add is something that can help you considerably in stopping binge watching and I know there are a lot of people who may disagree with me and that's amazing there are so many things that I talked about in today's video and I'm very very open to your thoughts if you disagree let me know in the comment section below I'd love to know what your views are because we are a healthy community guys so let me know in the comment section below about your thoughts on things that you feel that we all should really stop doing because I really believe in having a good life because you get it only once guys so yeah I hope you guys enjoyed today's video and let me know in the comment section below about that give this video a big fat thumbs up if you liked it if you are not subscribed to my channel as yet sure you subscribe because I post new videos every week let me know which video do you want next because I'm totally out of video ideas right now and my exams are coming up ahead so I don't really have the time to think that much so I just want you guys to guide me about what type of video you want to see next because I would love to make whatever you want me to make and till my next video bye bye

[billssefton]

my coworker put pins on my chair, new assistant makes mistakes I have to fix, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker put push pins on my chair

I have a coworker on my team who I work on a lot of projects with, and I think she may be mentally disturbed. She has been targeting me for the past couple of months, and I only caught on a few weeks ago. Basically, she has now has a history of breaking a figurine and leaving it all over my desk, going through my personal papers while I was in the bathroom, going through my coworkers’ and my personal sheets identifying our merit increases, and (yesterday) leaving push pins facing up on my chair in the morning before I came in.

I told my manager about this and she said nothing will probably change but she will document it, anyway. She is a pretty passive manager and does not like getting involved in conflict. She also has a lot going on with her family and health issues, so she is often over-stressed and away from her desk taking calls from doctors/schools/etc.

HR now knows about this problem employee and they claim they are investigating it, and my manager has said many times that she wants this employee fired but she takes no steps to document the employee’s behavior unless I tell her in writing to do so. Do you think it would be best for me to cut my losses, search for a job at another company and take chances elsewhere rather than sticking it out here? What am I supposed to do? This coworker is gradually getting more aggressive.

Your manager sounds like she sucks, unfortunately — not because she has family and health issues distracting her, but because she’s overly passive and not actually managing people. When a manager says she wants to fire someone but doesn’t take the steps to actually address the problem, she’s actually a bigger problem than the should-be-fired employee.

Sometimes with overly passive managers, you can nudge them into action by making it more uncomfortable for them to stay passive — meaning very directly telling her that you are not okay working around someone who is leaving push pins on your chair and insisting that she needs to address the situation. If you are firm enough, she may eventually find it easier to act than to not act.

But given her passivity, you should also go to HR yourself. Make sure they have full info about what’s happened here — that your coworker has intentionally broken your belongings, gone through your personal financial documents, and most importantly, put pins on your chair in an attempt to injure you. Don’t downplay any of this, especially the last part — the fact that she’s escalated to putting pins on your chair is a really big deal, and you have standing to tell them that you need to know what they’re going to do to protect you from someone who’s demonstrated unstable and vindictive behavior. If they’re not taking it seriously, then yeah, at that point I’d question whether this is a good place for you to stay — but talk to them first.

2. New assistant makes tons of mistakes that I have to fix

Our office recently hired a new executive assistant, “Mary,” whose primary job is to schedule events/meetings for our boss and make sure he is on schedule. (The position was empty for several months before Mary was hired, and I filled in during that period so I feel obligated to “show her the ropes.” But, I am only in my early 20s while Mary is in her mid-40s, so I don’t want to be too pushy.)

I like Mary as a person, but she has been making a lot of mistakes: mandatory events are not put on our boss’s calendar, and meetings that I am involved in are accidentally moved or deleted. I don’t know how to address these mistakes with her. Emailing her hasn’t worked (she either doesn’t read my emails or chooses to ignore them), and when I speak with her she smiles and nods but doesn’t actually correct the calendar. Thus far, I’ve been personally ensuring our boss is where he needs to be based on my own calendar, but this is not ideal as it is incredibly time-intensive for me and it means my coworkers don’t always know what meetings are going on.

I can’t simply drop the ball. I am involved in the majority of these meetings, and allowing my boss to miss a meeting/event would ultimately be my fault, not to mention that it would make my boss look bad.

Mary is a really nice person, and I don’t think she is being stubborn or purposefully dismissive. Honestly, I just think that she doesn’t understand the importance of some of these events, and maybe struggles with technology and/or reading comprehension. Going forward, what should I do when I see mistakes on the calendar?

It’s time to talk to your boss! You’ve tried bringing the mistakes to Mary’s attention but that hasn’t worked, so it’s time to let your boss know what’s going on. This isn’t about getting Mary in trouble; this is about alerting your boss to a work-related problem that you don’t have the ability to resolve yourself.

The solution can’t be that you just keep fixing the problem on Mary’s behalf. That’s keeping you away from your own priorities, and at some point you won’t be able to do it (you’ll be sick or busy with something else or on vacation or you’ll just miss it), a meeting will be missed, and your boss will wonder why on earth you didn’t speak up earlier! Your boss almost certainly would want to know this is happening so that he can intervene and get it fixed. Right now, he doesn’t know there’s a problem, so you’re denying him the ability to manage Mary the way he needs to. (I’m assuming here that he’s her boss. If she reports to someone else, that’s the person you should be talking to.)

If you want to give it one last try before you escalate it, you could say this to Mary: “I’ve pointed out a bunch of corrections that need to be made to Bob’s calendar, but those items still aren’t corrected. Are you clear on how to do that or do you need me to show you again?” But given what you’ve described, she may just not be cut out for this job — and the sooner you alert your boss to what’s going on, the easier it will be for him to start figuring out if that’s the case or not. (And who knows, maybe that’s not the case. But this is at the point where someone with authority over her needs to look into what’s going on, and that’s not you.)

3. My coworker keeps inflating her title

I’m a junior/mid-level person (senior enough to manage a handful of people and to be basically trusted to do my own thing, not senior enough to have any real power) in a large organization, and occasionally I’ll come across the situation where someone will be claiming a job title or qualification they do not have.

The most egregious example is someone I work pretty closely with, who has exactly the same job title as I do. I am 100% sure of this fact. Twice now I’ve introduced her to someone else at a social event as “this is Sansa, she’s a research fellow,” and she’s immediately jumped in with “no I’m not a fellow, I’m a lecturer,” followed by a long explanation of how what she does is more prestigious than what I do. (It’s not — and I would know — though she is a few years older than me.)

In the past when people — usually student interns — have done something like this, I’ve very cheerfully said something like “ooh, I didn’t know you had gotten your PhD, congratulations!” (or whatever). That usually causes them to instantly backtrack and apologize. But in Sansa’s case, I would absolutely know if she was promoted, and she hasn’t been, so any “congratulations” would be obviously fake. Do I just let it go and allow her to pretend to be a lecturer? It seems like such a weird thing?

Continue introducing her by her correct title. If she jumps in and claims to have a different title, it’s perfectly reasonable to inquire about that, if it seems surprising to you. It sounds like it would indeed be surprising to you if she had suddenly become a lecturer, so there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Oh! When did your title change?” or whatever other natural response you might have if your mind wasn’t being taken over by the sheer weirdness of her lying about it.

Or, now that it’s happened twice, you could just go to her and say, “Hey, I’ve noticed that when I introduce you as a fellow, you’ve corrected it to lecturer. I want to introduce you correctly, but my understanding is that we’re both fellows and that you’d need to have you PhD and get promoted before you’d be eligible for lecturer.” If she again tries to tell you that what she does is more prestigious than what you do, you can say, “I’m just asking the title. The university still considers you a fellow, right?”

The other option, of course, is to just roll your eyes at her pretension and ignore it. But she’s being so obnoxious in trying to look better than you that there’s nothing wrong with choosing to call it out.

4. My husband’s friend listed me as a reference without my okay

My husband’s best friend, let’s call her Gwen, applied to my place of work. She asked me questions about the job through my husband. At the time, I expressed reservations to my husband about Gwen’s suitability for the position and said I would not be comfortable with her using me as a reference. Obviously, I said she should apply if she thinks she can do the job, but I very clearly drew the line with my husband that I was not to be a reference.

Tonight, I found out Gwen applied for a position at my company and used me as a reference. I suspect my husband never passed on the part of my message in which I said it wasn’t okay (not maliciously, but thinking it was unnecessary). In my world, you ALWAYS ask permission before putting someone down as a reference. I asked her to remove my name from the application, but she cannot at this point.

I’m now very concerned about where this could go, because I do have valid reservations about her ability to do the job. She’s flighty, impatient with perceived lack of intelligence, and doesn’t think things through. She’s also needy and has crippling self-doubt. I have compassion for Gwen’s personal and employment struggles. I really want her to get a job! But, I work in customer service in a detail-specific, heavily regulated industry. The above qualities are red flags in personal relationships (and much of the reason we’re not close), much less professional ones. Also, I don’t know her professional demeanor — which my husband does assure me is much less concerning — as we’ve only ever interacted personally. I feel like I am a wildly inappropriate pick for a reference, even if I HAD given permission.

And now my name is attached to her application. I’m a relatively well-known employee at my office. I network, sit on committees, participate in roundtables, and have trained as a backup associate for two other departments. I’m visible and known for a good standard of work. I do not want recruiters thinking I’ve endorsed Gwen when I have not. Am I totally wrong about it being a courtesy to ask someone to be a reference? And is there anything I can do at this point to make clear to the recruiters that I cannot speak to Gwen’s professional abilities and should not be considered a reference? (I, of course, would keep my personal dynamic with her out of it.)

Yeah, in general you should ask someone before listing them as a reference. But not everyone realizes that’s how you should do it, and so sometimes people don’t. Not asking ahead of time is less about being rude and more about not being savvy — because it’s in candidates’ best interest to ensure the people they want to list are willing to provide a reference and feel they can give a strong one.

That said, simply listing someone as a reference does not convey “this person thinks I’m awesome.” Surprisingly, some people list references who do not think they’re awesome (probably the same people who didn’t bother to check ahead of time). Listing you as a reference just means “this person knows me and can speak about what I’m like,” and that’s it.

If you’re worried about it, you can certainly contact whoever’s managing the hiring for the position and say, “I understand that Gwen Livermore listed me as a reference when she applied for the X position. I’ve never worked with her, and I actually have some reservations about her. I’d be glad to share more if you get to a point where that would be helpful, but I wanted to make it clear she’s not someone I could vouch for.”

5. How can we best accommodate a deaf employee?

We’re in the process of putting an offer out for an interviewee who is deaf. The job would be basically a data entry position so there’s very little interaction beyond the training that would be necessary, so it should be fine in that regard. But I don’t want her to feel lonely or isolated. I learned the alphabet in Girl Scouts and I’ve been watching YouTube videos and using Sign Savvy as a dictionary. I’m going to give it my best shot to not rely on writing everything down for her. But that’s where I’m stuck. I can learn words and phrases (slowly, I’m afraid), but I’m hearing and have no connection with the deaf community. We’re a hearing office and set up as such. What can we do to make this better for her? And if anyone knows anything about deaf culture that would help us avoid faux pas I’d be very grateful for any insight.

P.S. We’ll get her a video phone, of course. And anything we can manage for her we want to do, but we can’t afford a full-time interpreter.

I hope commenters, particularly commenters who are deaf or hard of hearing, will weigh in on this, but my big piece of advice is: Ask her! Ask what she needs to be comfortable at work and if there’s anything you can do to make her day-to-day work life better. And then check in again in a month or so, once she’s had a chance to see more about how your office operates, at which point she may have additional ideas or requests. Anyone with more specific advice?

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my coworker put pins on my chair, new assistant makes mistakes I have to fix, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://www.askamanager.org/2018/04/my-coworker-put-pins-on-my-chair-new-assistant-makes-mistakes-i-have-to-fix-and-more.html