#gorlfriend the biked

[aprilthebiqueen]

Some days you can’t look on the bright side no matter how hard you try. And that’s okay. You can’t always look on the bright side. And when those days happen, I will sit with you in the dark.

[borderlinereminders]

It’s very likely that your loved ones talk nicely about you behind your back.

We so often focus on the negative things that have been said about us behind our backs

But I was laying here with my fiancé talking about how far my best friend has come in her recovery journey and how much I love her, and it occurred to me that my loved ones likely talk about me in a positive light too.

I told him how I admired her and her accomplishments, and how excited I am to see her next weekend, and overall just how much I love having her in my life. I even told him that I felt so lucky to be loved by her because I think she’s so amazing.

Your loved ones likely say nice things about you, root for you, and in general think about you. You exist to them when you aren’t with them.

[traumasurvivors]

I have my blog notifs on for you and it got me wondering if there are any blogs out there that you had notifs on for like other trauma blogs or whatnot?

I don’t actually have any blog notifications on. I actually have my tumblr notifications completely off and my activity feed is set to only see replies or reblogs with comment/tags.

However, I do probably once a week go to my best friend’s blog and back read all the things she’s reblogged in case I missed something. Partially because her and I tag stuff for each other and partially because she’s my best friend and I am genuinely just interested in what makes her go “ooh reblog”.

Sometimes I will see a blog I like on my feed and I’ll click on their blog and go back and read a bit to catch up since I don’t look at my newsfeed often. But even then, I don’t go back super far.

Sorry to disappoint if you were looking for blog recommendations! But I honestly barely notice stuff on tumblr. I usually pop on, queue some posts or I ramble off a bunch of posts, scroll through my activity a bit and poof.

[aprilthebiqueen]

@lechatelierite this was us years ago 

[raskolnikowa]

dam-.... i jus wanna gorlfriend.... n go on picnics with her.... feed her cherries....n hold her hand... n ride bikes .... n wear a nice dress n my hair is long again... n not live home anymore

[decaying-dante]

So I want a gf right. But it's like, logically it would make 0 sense. So, 1 I don't think my parents want me to date. I mean, I'm lucky enough to have a pretty progressive family so I know they wouldn't have any issues with me dating a girl, I just think that they really want me to focus on school n stuff for now. Also if I somehow managed to get a gf idk how I would bring it up to them. 2, which is kinda expanding on 1, I am not legally allowed to drive yet. Therefore, if I managed to get a gf, we would have to be driven to dates. Which tbh, a lot of my friends have p cool older siblings that would b down to drive us, which is less awkward than parents, but still p awkward. Either that or dates would have to be in walking/biking distance. But it's hot in yee yee town. 3. My town is generally pretty conservative. I mean, it's a lot better than some places, but still bad enough I'm worried abt having a gf. I don't think I would get like beat up r anything but I get nervous when my friends are talking too loud abt gay stuff at lunch so actually being out and having a gf would make me really nervous, even if that nervousness is irrational. 4, all of this has been hypothetical!! How do I even acquire a gf! I don't know! There's like a group of queer kids at my school, but that friend group is super duper toxic!! And the other queer group of kids is my friend group and it's like!! How!! Also!! I don't think anybody has ever had a crush on me!! So!! How!! Would I get a gorlfriend!! if no gorls wanna date me!! Anyways it's 3 AM so lonely gay hours have gotta come to an end and sleepy gay hours gotta get rollin.

[aprilthebiqueen]

I see your name pop up on my phone. And just like that, my day is a bit better.

[aprilthebiqueen]

💕

[borderlinereminders]

Hitting a rough patch does not erase all the progress you have made.

I promise.

[borderlinereminders]

I just finished helping with my best friend’s wedding. I spent two different days running around Vancouver area (which is a large city and something I find draining) in a rush. It was exhausting. It was emotional. It was overwhelming at times.

And that’s okay.

My personal share here is that sometimes, it’s normal to inconvenience ourselves and sacrifice for our relationships. I see a lot of posts worded in black and white ways telling us not to do things like that and it’s not that simple.

I faced my anxiety and gave a speech at her wedding because it was important to her. I was shaken even afterwards and it took me time to calm down.

I pushed myself to help her as much as I could even though I was running out of energy. I used spoons and borrowed from other areas of my life to temporarily help her.

I was exhausted interacting with a bunch of new people just to be present at her wedding for several hours and to get help in the preparations.

In each of these situations, I made the choice myself. I wasn’t pressured. It was very safe to say “no” to her. She would have been understanding and not at all upset with me. But I still made the choice to do these things. And it was all worth it. It was all worth it because I love her. And I am so beyond happy I pushed myself. I’m so happy I did it. And I’m so happy that she trusted me to help her. I’m at home now thinking about how happy I am for everything and how it turned out and no part of me regrets any of it.

We’re so often told not to sacrifice for others and that can be true in a lot of cases. But it is normal to give in relationships. It becomes a problem when it’s one-sided or we don’t respect our own boundaries.

She has sacrificed for me, too.

She drove me during a busy traffic time yesterday when she hates that because I was anxious and it helped me for her to bring me where I needed to go.

She’s taken a ferry and time off work to come see me and help me when I needed a ride from a minor surgery because she didn’t want me to have to rely on someone whose presence stressed me out and came with strings attached. (I never even asked her to do this one - I’d told her I had a ride but she knew the emotional consequences for me even though I hadn’t brought it up.)

She’s taken the time to do something for me even though her plate is full and she is overwhelmed because she knew I was so anxious about the thing that needed done.

And even if it hasn’t been easy sometimes, she has weighed the importance and decided that it meant more to her to help me and it was a decision that was hers to make. She made the choice to inconvenience herself. And I’ve done the same.

It is so normal to inconvenience yourself for your loved ones at times. But I also hope this serves as a reminder that it is okay that YOU inconvenience your loved ones sometimes. It’s their decision and if they want to help, then that’s okay and their choice.

Because as someone who was inconvenienced at several times during this week, I made the decision to do it and I am so happy I did. It was worth it to me. She was worth every bit of it and I’d do it all over again and more.

[borderlinereminders]

I post a lot about self-soothing and working on needing reassurance. And while it’s important to do, it doesn’t mean that’s how it always has to be.

I try self soothing first. Sometimes with my best friend, I know my feelings at her aren’t her fault. It’s something small that’s triggered insecurity even though I know it’s not rational. And I try to deal with the feelings myself first. But sometimes I can’t. And it’s okay.

In these cases, I usually go to her. I’ll tell her “I know it’s not rational and it’s not your fault. But I’m having feelings about x, y and z”. If possible, I’ll tell her what I’m looking for (like reassurance).

She’s always very happy to offer me that reassurance. She knows that I’ve come so far and worked hard and if she can reassure me, she’s often happy to in order to make it easier for me.

I’m going to share my most recent example under the read more for a real life example of how I applied this.

But my overall point is that it is absolutely okay to ask for reassurance and sometimes you need to. It’s just important to do it in a healthy way.

A few weeks ago, she was overwhelmed and busy. I offered to watch her dog for her while she was working. I didn’t get a response back because she was thinking about it.

And then I found out someone else was watching her dog.

I felt a lot of confusing emotions. I felt angry. I also felt insecure, like she didn’t trust me. I was frustrated at her and the person now watching her dog. I felt jealous.

I used skills to try and cope with these feelings. I didn’t lash out at her. I tried using logic to suggest alternatives to myself. Perhaps it wasn’t personal that she picked someone else. Maybe it was for logistical reasons. It was probably just easier for her.

I tried to sleep on it, but the feelings were growing. No matter what coping skills I used. Sometimes, the coping skills don’t work to self soothe or talk myself through it.

I was feeling annoyed for small things and I knew that it wasn’t her fault. She hadn’t done something wrong. But I decided to talk to her about it. I didn’t want the feelings growing and causing issues and they weren’t going to sort themselves out.

Here are copy and pastes from our actual conversation :

Me: My explanation for feeling hurt is that **** told me she was taking Storm and I felt hurt because I offered twice and you didn’t respond at all to it. It made me feel like I did something wrong to break your trust. I am really emotionally sensitive right now and I know I’m having an *extremely* heightened emotional reaction to it but I can’t seem to let go of the bad feelings. And I know it’s not your fault. But also it just feels bad and I feel like I need to tell you about these feelings because I can’t let them go on my own. I could really use some reassurance.

Her: That’s so valid.

If context helps you feel less BPD, I was actually trying to figure whether to leave Storm at home or bring her to you but I needed to know my new start time at work with the new schedule before I’d know if I could make the timing work to drop her off with you after the ferry.

Then *** was sad about the breakup with *** and I offered to lend her Storm as an emotional support animal. I know she really struggles with being alone when she is sad. And I decided I could do without my dog temporarily. I can see how it would’ve seemed like I preferred having **** watch Storm.

But your BPD is very valid, I probably would’ve felt the same way under the circumstances. I hope you have a great day and I hope you know I love you. Also that I think you’re great with dogs and would have 100% wanted you to watch Storm this week.

-

( The name of the person watching her dog are blacked out for privacy reasons.) While she didn’t need to share the context, she chose to do that so she could better offer reassurance. I also want to point out that she validated my feelings. My emotional reaction was heightened but she still validated me. She also then offered reassurance for my specific concern (that I wasn’t trusted). She was patient and understanding. I was valid to need reassurance but her reaction to it was super valid and why it felt so safe to seek reassurance from her.

[aprilthebiqueen]

I really am.

Jess Sharp

[borderlinereminders]

I was playing a video game yesterday, and I thought about my cousin and wondered how he was doing because we played games together. We only see each other a few times a year but there was a point when we spent almost every day together and were very close. I thought of him and chuckled at some old memories and hoped he was doing okay.

I was making myself a tea this morning and I thought of my grandma. I remembered how she always said I made the best tea and how she appreciated it. I thought about how much I loved her and how she used to make me food with so much love.

I was doing dishes this morning, and my mind wandered. I thought of my best friend and I knew she’d been having a rough time lately. I hoped she was doing okay and having a much needed sleep in. I thought about how I loved her and was so thankful to have her in my life.

I was scrolling through tumblr and thought of my online friend I hadn’t talked to in weeks. I missed her. I sent her a text.

I was finding something in my closet this morning and saw the dress my aunt gave me. I thought about how amazing she is and how I miss her and can’t wait to see her soon.

I was petting my dog a few minutes ago, and thought about my partner. Work has been hard for him lately and I hoped that he was having the best day he could and I thought about ways I could cheer him up when he came home.

My point here is that I thought of my loved ones. I thought of ones in my daily life, and ones I don’t see much anymore. When things reminded me of them. When I was doing tasks like washing dishes. I thought of them. And I’m sure if you think about it, you think about your loved ones too. What I’m trying to explain to you is that it’s normal and it means your loved ones think of you too.

They may wonder how you’re doing, laugh at old memories, or save a video to show you later because they know you’d enjoy it. You exist to your loved ones and they don’t stop loving you when they aren’t talking to you.

[borderlinereminders]

One thing I’ve heard about my posts about asking for reassurance in healthier ways is that my scripts sound so “stiff” and not like real life. I’ve got this comment a few times. And that’s true for a lot of them. You’re not supposed to use them word for word. You’re supposed to change them for what they mean for you.

Here’s a real life example from today. I’m the “boring treble” (inside joke with my best friend) and I ask for reassurance. (I also want to point out that sometimes I am insecure about her specifically and we’ve talked about those situations. Here’s an example of that situation!)

But you can see in my example that it’s a lot more casual for me in real life! You can see that it’s kind of our thing to call stuff “tragic” and it’s light hearted but also genuine at the same time. And also, even though I asked for reassurance, her response is genuine and did reassure me.

[borderlinereminders]

You mentioned in a post a couple days ago that you talk to your best friend every day but in your last post you mentioned that you have a friend that you feel too drained to talk to sometimes and I know this is my own insecurity but how can that be? If I’m the second friend to someone why am I less important?

There are a few reasons for me, anon. And none of them mean my other friend isn’t important to me.

My best friend doesn’t drain me the way most people do. Not even if she’s having a crisis. A lot of that is from being friends for over ten years and knowing so much about each other. But I don’t have to think a lot about everything I say/do with her. I can just be myself. I don’t feel a need to mask, and I don’t feel a need to filter myself. There is a lot of stuff about me and my interests/life that only she knows because a lot of people wouldn’t “get it”. And I’m safe to be myself with her. Even if I’m having bad recovery days. I never worry about feeling judged.

There are times we don’t agree on stuff but we always respect the other’s opinion. I know even if I accidentally say something wrong, she won’t lash out or get angry at me. If she feels a need to discuss it, it’s done in a calm way that is respectful of both our feelings.

She’s also come so far in her healing that there is no pressure on me to answer which helps a lot of the energy draining ironically? I feel more drained if there’s pressure. It’s not to say she never feels insecure, but she is so good at handling it herself sometimes. And if she does need reassurance, she asks me in a really healthy way and I’m more than happy to give it to her.

I think a lot of it is just that while having a safe space is nice, she’s kind of like my safe person?

My other friend is a great person and so compassionate. But she isn’t actively trying to recover, and she has a lot of behaviour she has to work on. This isn’t a moral failing or me thinking she’s a bad person or me judging her at all honestly. It’s just that I need to be in a specific headspace and have enough energy to be willing to engage with someone who I don’t feel cares to help themselves.

I also have other friends that don’t need to recover but we just aren’t as close. I don’t feel I can be myself so much. I feel I need to mask and filter everything I say and that takes active effort which takes energy. With my best friend, I don’t have to put any effort into doing any of that. I can just act around her the exact way I can when I’m alone which makes it easy.

This is about my very specific friendships and I don’t really know that any of it could be helpful to you. But I will say that my other friends are also important to me and I love them. And my love and closeness to my best friend doesn’t take away from any of that.

[borderlinereminders]

Try not to overthink your accomplishments. Whatever other factors are involved, it’s still an accomplishment. Acknowledge it and move forward.