#something i wrote to myself yesterday

[dinopupdyke]

Life is love. You already know what you want.

And deep down you know how to get there. Listen. Observe. Imagine. Learn as much as you can from your kin, especially the Earth. We are all kin, we are all one whole, we each live our lives in thanks to and in service of the Earth. Remember I love you. Expand your empathy to every earthling, find kinship in all life around you, recognize the life in them as the life in yourself and the life on Earth. You can feel it. Your body remembers. Your cells remember. The Earth and Time remembers where we came from, how we evolved together, that we are all of the same life, of the same Earth. The Earth expects nothing of you. You hold no responsibility except to live. Life can be everything we want it to be. There is no grand reason, no higher purpose, and isn’t that beautiful, to just be alive, to just be to just be to just be. Remember I love you. You wish to rid yourself of the facetious hierarchical power games infecting humanity. You want to return to the ecosystem, to the warm embrace of abundance, to the challenges of scarcity, to be driven by compassion and care first and foremost. To slow down to the pace of the soil, to watch the leaves grow each day, to notice how the sky and the breeze change through the seasons, to get to know the Earth again. To nourish your mind body and soul with the things that best satisfy you and the planet. To work hard each day at your natural proclivities, to watch your knowledge and skills increase, to see your hands begin to wear and age. Life is love. Is our life really different to that of an ant? A monkey? A dog? A flower? A tree? A mushroom? A rock? An atom? A planet? Doesn’t everything seek connections and build relationships with the things around us? Are we not all changed by time? Do we not all wish to live and grow?

[slavhew]

i finally put that "neil newbon as astarion telling you to wake up" audio as my morning alarm and now every day immediately upon waking this flashes into my mind

[pardonmydelays]

when you get this, you can answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your followers :)

hiiii! 🤍 ok, so this is getting super hard cause it's my third ask and i don't really like much about myself (that's why i am giving three things, not five):

i love that i have a vivid imagination and i could seriously create a lot of things if i only wasn't such a lazy piece of shit

i love that despite all the shit i went through i am still full of love - for my friends and family

did i mention that i'm literally the funniest person on earth-

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

Man, it is JOEVER.

[mitamicah]

Ah, now me being extra emotional yesterday makes sense

[prouvaireafterdark]

broke 12k wooooords

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I keep listening to different pieces of music that I love and then my brain comes in all helpful with 'this sounds like great music to die with doesn't it'

[edgydadster]

i'm so mentally tired right now i want to go to sleep for a million years and never wake up

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[rosecoloredknight]

Sometimes life is lonesome. You have all these things you want to say and share to someone, like how you had to comfort your little sister at 3am because she called frantically crying about accidentally running over a turtle, how you helped a 4 year old kid find her parents at a crowded park, or how you made yourself laugh thinking about something funny, yet you have no one; no one to share your thoughts, your rambles, your jokes, your questions.. your life.

Moreover, there are times where you wish you had friends or a friend to go do things with like flying out to a different state to hike, going to a concert or movies with, grocery shopping, walks at the park, and more.

Unfortunately, that's just how life is for some of us.

However, as sad and disheartening it may seem, we shouldn't allow it to dictate our life. We can either dwell on it or give a big inhale and exhale, look up and smile as we choose to make something beautiful of our lives and try to still do things alone while we appreciate our own company and the memories we'll make for ourselves.

And maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to find our own circle of people, or that special someone along the way whom we'd call friends, lover and family.

But even if our life remains a lonely one, I hope we'll still find the courage and joy to make the most of it as we continue to love ourself through the journey.

😊😊😊

[orcelito]

genuinely tho me jumping right into reading volume 9 of trimax and then volume 10 (and then most of the rest of the manga) on the night before i had a presentation at 9:30 am (that was entirely not prepared) was literally one of the most unhinged decisions ive ever made

this is what a hyperfixation does to a person

[seventh-district]

CW: mention of gun violence (in a nightmare. not IRL)

i know for a fact that my period makes me more apt to cry over things because i can have a vivid nightmare about getting randomly gunned down while waiting in line to pick up a pizza then wake up and not shed a tear but when i’m on my period i can have one (1) bad dream about my father yelling at me and i wake up and promptly begin full-on sobbing into my pillow

[salsflore]

just got home from school ～ ate a sandwich to cheer myself up, think i’ll play genshin for a bit and nap ... pulling on shenhe’s banner solves everything

[celibibratty]

one thing i like about the woman, is that she is a chinese woman, but she doesn't remind me of mulan

[rowanhoney]

the universe is testing me rn

[inkskinned]

yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."

i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.

the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.

mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.

later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.

sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.

but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.

i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.

every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.

wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?

the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:

he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.

every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.

mahler's fifth still makes me sick.

give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.

give me back what you took from me.