#some sort of vent
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So… long time we don’t see each other here, huh…?
Warnings: i am going to talk about some topics about suicidal thoughts and… a little bit of self loathing because sadly i am built like that…
First of all, i wanted to thank my most loyal and supportive friends:
@salmonlover955 , @malin5520 , @cabasasa , @cherry-bombs-thingss , @dreamcloud12/@dreamdoll-12 and @terroristis3638…
For… you know… worrying about me and… checking up on me…
I would also like to apologize for making you guys worry about me so much… sometimes i… feel like i don’t deserve any of this kind of… attention…
But nonetheless… I am grateful for that… so… thank y’all, you guys are the best and i know one day (if you aren’t already being recognized) you all will be just like our idols: Jencil and Fluffpillow… talented and amazingly awesome…
With that out of my chest… let’s… talk about… the not so great stuff…
You know? It… was very, very… hard for me to come here and… explain the stuff that is happening on my life…
One because i… felt like if i did… i would be bothering you all with… unnecessary drama that you all clearly are going through worse than me…
And, btw, i may not have said a single reassuring word to any of you when you guys vented… (and i am deeply sorry for that…) but just know that… i am always praying for you all and… sending my best vibes and encouraging energy to all of you… (even though i am not in the best moment of my life mentally myself, haha…)
And two… well, here goes nothing, i guess:
I am currently 21 (still living with my parents, but that’s really not THE problem… the problem is… i just sometimes feel like… a useless lazy ass… that i am an adult (even though i am still trying to process this… let me ya: it’s hard…) and… “technically”… i would be considered a loser because of that… that i am not trying “hard” enough to be truly a “true mature” adult… you guys… get… the idea…) 12 of July of this year i turned 21… (i wanted to make a special headcanon/Fanfic for you all regarding my birthday… but oh well, surprise, surprise… i was too… “lazy” to do it… like i always am…), i have a brother who has Down syndrome (who i worry so much and care about his future… like… simple things like: having a wife (not husband because he only likes women), having independence, having… you know… a life of his own… and… sadly… he’s 6 years older than me and… doesn’t have any of that yet…), i (thankfully) have a “dream job”… like… where i work on they are very inclusive and friendly with me… (but sometimes my traumatized and paranoid self thinks everyone on my workplace are only “nice” to me because i am autistic and secretly, they all hate me… i am not saying that’s the case for everybody… but… I just can’t help myself…) but… they are also very, VERY strict and demand PERFECTION…
I work on a restaurant in Brazil… they are getting very popular around the whole country and… they… sometimes… forget that I am autistic and expect me to act like I am not…
Now, now, I definitely wish them all the prosperity and good luck in the world and I am DEFINITELY not trying to paint them as the “villains” and playing the victim here… (this part i am trying to convince myself that…) because they are also human and i am THE first diagnosed autistic employee working on their restaurant… so of course they are going to… make some mistakes…
Like talking to me very sharply when there’s almost 100 (and this is not a stretch, really, sometimes it’s even MORE than that…) people coming over to our place…
(This was a one time occurrence but… it still haunts me…): when one of the owners “humiliated” me in front of another client… (context: i said very calmly after he told me to check one table if they were served by the waitress/waiter… btw, it was THEIR job to check on the tables… i was the hostess that my only job was to guide others to their table… but i’ve given up a pass because one: he’s my boss and two: i was still on my early stages of learning to work there… but after I’ve told him that they were only waiting for someone else to come so they could order (a very common occurrence), he simply gestured me to come closer and, in front of a friend of his (which is another client), he ranted about how i couldn’t defy him like “that” and that i should just do as he tells me to do… you all may not feel the fear and anxiety that i felt after his “little” rant… but i certainly felt… more explicitly: i felt like shit…)
Hypocrisy… a lot of it… like, my supervisors tell the other employees that we shouldn’t have some small talk with other departments of the restaurant… but ThEy CaN tAlK aLl ThEy WaNt! (Sometimes they even forget they are working and start talking about their life problems to others…)
Or, or! When they tell us to not get late, but guess what? They CAN get late to work! Ain’t that nice? :)
And you may be wondering… “but Mochi! If you’re unhappy there, why don’t you find another job??”
Well… i don’t know if you know this but… here in Brazil… we, as a nation, are suffering from a wave of extreme unemployment…
People younger than me are having a real hard time trying to feed their families… all of us are suffering from the extreme inequality…
And…
Here it comes my dilemma, self loathing and suicidal thoughts: i like my job… i have strong connections with everyone there… they are like a family to me! (Well, don’t really know for sure if they feel the same for me but… i do…) but… sometimes i feel like i am in a more “semi-toxic” family than a true healthy family… but at same time, if i leave… i fear i will disappoint them… disappoint my REAL family… disappoint… basically… everyone… and that i am going to come off as a little ungrateful piece of shit… that after everything they did for me (my workplace family) i left them… and i am simply going to be easily replaced… like i wasn’t even someone but… something…
I daily think about stopping existing, stopping breathing, stopping… living… and just… end it all… but (i don’t know if i should be thankful for that or not but… eh…) i guess i am too much of a coward to end myself… (thanks for my phobia of how i am going to die… i don’t fear dying… I fear how will i die and if that’s going to be painful and scary…)
I… have stopped doing what i most loved doing… writing, reading and drawing… because of my work… first, it was school… now work…
It’s… almost comical really, how i am seen by many as a robot to now serve people and only do that… (and with a BiG sMiLe On My FaCe!)
Even when i get home… i can’t stop thinking about work… when i am with my friends… when i am with my family… it’s always there… haunting me… my mind reminding every single second that i am now an adult and i should just fake it till i make it… but how long? How long till i collapse and let out a desperate scream? A cry for help?
When i am having my few happy moments… i sometimes wish i could rewind them over and over again just so i don’t have to remember that i am seen by many as just another machine to make them richer…
.
.
.
Okay… maybe i should stop trauma dumping on you all and get to the real important stuff…
I promise i will answer every question of you guys on my inbox and… today i am going to make a lot of posts just so i feel like i am not being a useless and bad friend to you guys…
And the fanfic of the Charlie and the chocolate factory is on hiatus… if that wasn’t obvious by my long absence… i really don’t know when i am going to finish that… but i promise, especially for you @cabasasa, that by the end of the year i am going to post the full AU…
And that’s it…
Now back to the normal schedule…
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decomposition!
#mdzs#mdzs fanart#wangxian#wei wuxian#lan wangji#yiling laozu#wei ying#lan zhan#mo dao zu shi#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#jessbye#egg#tw/ gore#GUYS haha lol#just me doing normal things again#i think this is ? vent art of some sorts#but anyways yeah this was fun
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A true and 100% historically accurate account of Hamilton's first meeting with Andre
+ Bonus Lafayette
#No idea what my deal is this week#wahoo#alexander hamilton#john andre#amrev#art tag#now expand the post or these tags wont make sense#excuse me while I use these weird little sketches to vent some wildly complex feelings about American identity#theres something to be said about the way Lafayette and Hamilton express opposing views of humanity#in a way that is deeply connected to both how they view their “americanness”#and also the fact that only one of them was insanely fucking wealthy#theres cynicism born from poverty and a pervasive sense of otherness#vs a sort of naive hopefulness coming from wealth that isolated in an entirely different way#and they're brothers#I don't know what Im cooking but its something#marquis de lafayette#might as well tag him at this point#this was supposed to be a shitpost how did I get here
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i still haven’t really had the time to process my emotions but i really am soooo upset that we didn’t get a funeral …….. like . there are a lot of things i forgive akutami for because of how awful his work schedule must be / how hellish writing is in general but choosing to throw in that last minute mission instead of a funeral to really show grief over gojo’s death is not one of them …… i just don’t really understand it? i’ve always disagreed with the fandom’s ooc allegations and i still do now because nothing the characters did or said this chapter was ooc, but if they aren’t shown grieving beforehand then obviously people are going to feel that gap… :’)
the literal only issue is that what we know must have happened between these chapters wasn’t shown to us. and that just makes me so so sad . we know how many people cared about gojo, yuji tells him that ’none of us could ever forget you’ and maybe that’s akutami’s way of showing that, but since the characters don’t even explicitly mention that he’s dead everything just falls kinda flat … i’m still praying on my knees for an ova chapter / for mappa to add stuff in season 4, but rn i just feel very sad :< the gap of writing quality between 261 and 271 is just really jarring … i liked a lot of things in this chapter. but i just can’t get past the funeral thing …….
#sorry i needed to . vent#😭😭#like as always im a filthy contrarian and i disagree with the fandom on a lot of things#but this chapter really had soooo much wasted potential#that i just dont . understand . like actually#i cant think of a reason why akutami would avoid dealing with gojo’s death properly#Unless he’s planning some sort of . extra thing. i don’t know#like genuinely i really loved the sukuna ending. and i loved all of nobara’s scenes#loved the final page with sukuna’s finger#but . everything else . was just#…. why#pdjdkdjdk#ari noises ✩#jjk leaks#jjk manga spoilers#jjk spoilers
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tw for aphobia and uhh less than consensual sexual experiences :/
shitty little comic i made mostly for the sake of ace awareness and reminding people not to let their partners manipulate them and that it gets better and blah blah blah. but also cause i've waited 5 months to make this god awful chappell roan joke and if i have to trauma dump to make it then so be it
#artists on tumblr#my art :0#asexual#aroace#aromantic asexual#ace week#ace week 2024#asexuality#aspec#acespec#asexual pride#aphobia#amatonormativity#tw#sa vent#sort of?? i feel bad calling it that cause idk if it's all that accurate but for the sake of others' filters y'know#cause regardless of it is or isn't sa i understand that discussions like this could be upsetting for some people and i don't want that :(#tw sa implied#tw sa mention#tw sa#tw sa vent#sa implied
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Just to clarify my thoughts (since I've had a number of people ask me about it) re: Job and cursing God. There's a big difference between cursing God as used in Scripture and how we generally would think of cursing at God today.
Cursing someone, in the Bible, has a lot of depth to it. It's not just saying "screw you " in anger, it's got a sense of forsakenness to it. It's the opposite of a blessing, a removal of blessing. If the blessing is presence, your face shining on the person you're blessing, then a curse is absence. In some translations, Job's wife tells him to "renounce God and die," which I honestly think makes a lot more sense to modern ears.
Job says a lot of unpleasant things to and about God in his anger and grief. So do the Psalmists. A number of the Prophets. So can we. God can take it if we come to him with honest expressions of our emotion, including those not-so-nice ones directed at him. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting mad at God and saying, "How dare you, you bastard" when you suffer unjustly. You can say much worse, I think, without sinning, though I don't feel particularly inclined to give examples. But as long as it's an honest expression of your heart, I think you're doing exactly what prayer is for. You're presenting him your heart with an open hand. He can use that. Opposite of love is not hate but indifference, etc.
Job doesn't renounce God. Neither should we. But I think when you're truly suffering, you're gonna have those feelings toward God either way. He'd rather you address them with him directly than try to avoid them. Cursing at God in the modern sense is actually a great way to keep the relationship strong and not end up cursing/renouncing him in the Biblical sense.
#i did try to draw that distinction in the original post but I didn't really go into detail#mostly bc i was trying to be concise and just focus on how the church talks to sufferers#so here's the long version#pontifications and creations#only thou art holy#also side note: there was someone yesterday who responded to that post with the suggestion that suffering is generally the sufferer's fault#and it got worse from there#just an absolutely rank response that had me immediately blocking that person and googling if there was a way to remove someone's addition#idk to what degree that person is an active member of this broader christian community we've got going on here#but if you see that post (and you'll know it when you see it) please as a favor to me don't interact with it#there were some lovely responses and additions to that post yesterday too#but that one made me mad#idk. to a certain degree i wanted to vent#they're blocked now though so whatever#anyway. I've sort of been percolating on these various thoughts for a few weeks#since i went to a really fluffy women's talk on suffering#and now i kind of want to give my version#I'm far from the greatest sufferer in the world. i am well aware of that#but as I've been sick I've just done So Much Thinking and reading about theodicy and struggle with God that i feel qualified to opine#unlike the giver of that talk#anyway#tag rant over#...for now#theodicy
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Hi. When I use my cane to assist me in something besides walking/standing please don't assume I will be "doing a trick" with it. I take pride and joy in how fucking boring and mundane I choose to make myself to you (abled people), I'm never going to be your entertainment. Stop assuming we exist to make you smile and clap like we're fucking animals at a zoo instead of people in pain. You want interesting? Ask me about tarantulas. The sheer number of instruments I play. Kanien'kehá:ka. My opinions on Frankenstein. My OUtFiT. There are way funner things about me than the stick I'm walking with because my body hurts all over all of the time.
#for real i used my cane to stop this person's Object from rolling away#and they SAID TO ME they expected me to be doing some sort of trick??#like this legit stranger. never seen them before in my life. told me they thought id be doing something fucking practiced maneuver#when all i did was shift my cane like. five inches to the left.#it was fucking rude#cpunk#chronic pain#cripple punk#cane user#mobility aid#disability vent
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The fans: Ugh Sonic was just so preachy. I mean obviously he's supposed to be the good guy, so any uncomfortableness I feel here and any way I feel like Sonic's choices are framed as being why some other people have shitty lives is just bad writing because he is obviously supposed to be right always, but this characterization makes no sense. Isn't he right for the things he did?
Ian Flynn, using Kitsunami to say the (barely even at this point) quiet part even louder: Hey it's almost like ever since the Mr. Tinker event we've been purposely running with the critique of Sonic as being more selfish than he appears. Sonic is upholding a system of Eggman v Sonic that currently benefits him and shuts down talk of how to improve the current system because he likes his own personal enjoyment and he's attached enough to Eggman that he'd rather Eggman pretend to be a good person than be stuck in prison for life. He doesn't even quite practice what he preaches. We are trying to show that the current hero v villain system and Sonic's recklessness currently affects some people poorly and that Sonic isn't a perfect hero.
#fandom wank#sonic the hedgehog#idw sonic comics#idw sonic 2024 annual#2024 sonic annual spoilers#idw somic comic spoilers#idw sonic spoilers#idw 2024 sonic annual spoilers#i just be ramblin#god one of these days I need to commit to the sonic character essay#because you HAVE to be able to see Sonic as a multifaceted character that is surprisingly selfish and a bit self centered despite his image#as a good hero who is always right to understand what the writers for Sonic Prime and Idw Sonic are trying to do#The point is not that Sonic is secretly a bad guy or anything#the point is that we're already primed to assume that anything Sonic does is a good thing because he's a hero and protagonist of what is#considered a 'children's media'#And people who can see those moments in different games or properties times where Sonic isn't being so good as him actually not being so#good of a person are primed to explain it away as flaws of the writing or the genre at that time *because* Sonic's behavior is not said to#be bad or punished in those games#And become we're already primed to assume that Sonic is already the good guy who's making the best choices no matter what‚ it's supposed to#be shocking when the narrative takes a step back and gives a critique of this status quo by showing us the effects of it#But instead of having some sort of eye opening event or being willing to meet the narrative where it's at#99% of the people who post here got uncomfortable and just doubled down‚ saying that because these things are being pointed out and some of#Sonic's actions (that aren't even alien to the games)#are being framed in a not so good light‚ then it must not be purposeful. That it must be bad writing through and through and just bad#Sonic characterization#because for people who claim they want Sonic as a series to be deeper and more thought out they sure start to pearl clutch when they feel#like a property isn't being as shallow as the very same games they think kinda suck#anyways anyways sorry about the rant I'll get back to regularly scheduled posting after this#vent post
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mascot
#this isnt vent dw!!! i dont smoke either i was just kinda going for some sort of vibe#i know its usually played for laughs or like. dark humor whenever ppl draw mascots without their heads and u can see the actor#but i always found it fascinating and a little sobering. ever since i was a kid ive always been hyperaware of ppl in costumes#like. even if i tried to block it out id be thinking the whole time 'its not real. theres a person in that suit who gets paid to do this'#it used to be an uncomfortable nagging feeling but now its like. oh yeah theres someone with a whole life story doing this. idk#i think when i tell ppl im not conscious of my body its like. im not dysphoric or experience dissociation but. at the same time#it feels like my physical body doesnt fully outwardly represent me..?? like some sort of costume#i like to phrase it as being a giant hairless mecha and inside theres a very tiny puppy piloting the damn thing#and the other thing is. when i draw my sona i dont really see it as what i /wish/ i looked like or how i want people to see me#its like being in a costume and just. fucking around with some sort of barrier between myself and others#plus mascots arent allowed to talk and i dont really. engage with other ppl in public spaces that it kinda feels like ad lib#i share a lot abt my life but ironically im also a private person..... i guess it just gives me some sort of control over my identity#my art#myart#my oc#sona#mascot#furry#??? is this furry art????#twinkle#puppysona#edit: had to outline it bc i just realized it looks really weird on dark mode -_-
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Hey my dearies… everything good with you all? I hope so…
Sorry that lately I haven’t been posting much…
You know: trying to get over a slump…
Sometimes it’s really frustrating when you’re one of the few people that make any form of art for a small fandom…
You have no one to talk to about your hyperfixation on certain characters, you have no other artists where you can admire their artworks about said characters… and you don’t see any one other person than yourself doing “x reader” or fanfics for this small fandom…
But today i promise that i’ll make some posts for the Telltown fandom…
I really hope Fluff and Jencil post more about their characters… because we know so, but oh so little about them… (but if you are seeing this post, please, let them take their time: don’t annoy or bother them just because i’m curious… ok?)
And that’s it, i guess, see you all on my next post… bu-bye…
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moonlight sonata and i
#revolutionary girl utena#rgu#shoujo kakumei utena#sku#himemiya anthy#anthy himemiya#anthy#biruesque art#thats right babey more fall out boy inspired stuff!!!!!!#putting heaven iowa on loop for three days straight has done things to my brain#it's just so... it's so... so....#this is kinda like vent art sort of#some more of that coming soon oof
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when you receive a comment on a fic you're already feeling insecure about, just asking if you'll continue asking on another fic... and nothing else :/
I know it can feel frustrating when you're waiting on an update and the author is working on different stuff, but please don't do this
#to me it just feels like you're disappointed in the fic itself#and that might not be the intentions but its hard to discern when there's no other sentiment to the comment#man I don't know#I know I'm sort of sensitive but this just made me feel so sad#i rarely vent about comment-related stuff on here but I just felt so discouraged and needed someplace to put that feeling#at least put questions like this on the fic you're wishing for an update on#or ask... I don't... with some added kindness
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I'm getting back into animating after having to avoid it for a year because of my hand pain, and while I'm really excited about it and about posting to youtube again, I'm also kinda scared to actually post tes animations because it means I'm gonna have to interact with the gamer™ crowd. They can be fun, but also part of the reason I only feel comfortable with posting tes stuff here is because I find half of the fanbase everywhere else stressful and obnoxious to deal with sometimes. For example: my nerevarine is an argonian, and l'm quite proud of his design and like sharing him, but ever time I do on youtube or reddit or twitter I inevitably get the same "hurr durr argonian nerevarine?!? that doesn't make sense" or faux-racist argonian comments that I don't even know what to do with. It's not exclusive to that scenario, but it's like there's always one or two uncomfortable comments under any given tes fanart or post that goes against the standard popular meme interpretations of everything. and I hate dealing with them
#i didnt explain this well but i think some of you know the kind of thing im talking about#mine#vent#not a serious one or anything though#anyway im really happy with the little animation exercise im putting together of stellar (my nerevarine) rn but im thinking i just wont#mention hes a morrowind character when i post it to yt to avoid this sort of stuff#like in my christmas animation from a year ago hes briefly in it as the nerevarine and im still getting nothing-burger comments about it
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i am not ready to get pissed off today but can we not ruin people’s positive fandom experiences. can we not. if someone makes a post saying “i love sophie foster!!!!” can we not go to that post and immediately comment “well i don’t like her”. if someone shares a headcanon and it clashes with yours can we not go to that post and reply “well that headcanon is WRONG because HERE’S WHAT CANON SAYS”. if someone talks about a ship can we not go on that post and start ripping it to shreds. can we not. you are aware that just scrolling past without engaging is an option, right? you know you can tamp down the urge to express your negative opinion where inappropriate, right? make your own damn post!!!! can we not ruin positivity posts for the people that like/made them. can we please not. please.
#none of the examples i cited are actually what i’m pissed about. they’re just examples#if you don’t agree with a post you can do this magical amazing thing called SCROLLING PAST WITHOUT ENGAGING#when posts are all “sokeefe is so cute!!!!” do you see me commenting shit like “actually they’re toxic and they suck”?#no because i have basic fandom decency and have a semblance of self-control. do you think the sokeefers care about my opinion????#the only exception is when the person explicitly says they welcome debate#and usually a post that just says something like “omg who loves biana vacker here?” is not the sort of post that is inviting debate#jfc you all are you not ashamed#sorry for the vent i needed to get that out of my system. saw some responses to a post about a certain character that pissed me off#kotlc#kotlc fandom#keepblr#<- what i wrote this about#someone’s going to ask for the actual details that inspired this but i’m not giving them out publicly. dm me if you want to know
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Why does my brain chooses THE WORST MOMENT to remember about it?? 😭
@olavored i should have listened to you and not have watched it 🤦
But at least thinking about Sun Wukong helps me calm down :'D👍
#sun wukong save me#sun wukong#save me sun wukong#dreams#insomnia#vent art sort of?#jttw wukong#jttw sun wukong#jttw#journey to the west#thinking of monke always helps 👍#i tried listening to the JTTW audio book but it didn't work#so i just thought about it instead while listening to some meditation stuff#if it happens again i'll put the monkey king staff i made on the side of the bed too#is it silly? yes#but i can trick my brain into thinking i have a weapon close by to SMACK evil spooky creature#IF IT WORKS IT WORKS I JUST NEED TO SLEEP#artists on tumblr#art
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as someone with a psychotic disorder, I really dislike "spiritual psychosis" being tossed around as a buzzword
#its uncomfortable to see how people react to it#sort of a vent tbh#vent tag#that exists now!#i wont go deep into my thoughts on it but some things people say make me feel unsafe? i dunno#sorry if this isnt that positive#chem speaks ₊ 𐙚
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