#some sort of vent

[honeymochibubbletea]

So… long time we don’t see each other here, huh…?

Warnings: i am going to talk about some topics about suicidal thoughts and… a little bit of self loathing because sadly i am built like that…

First of all, i wanted to thank my most loyal and supportive friends:

@salmonlover955 , @malin5520 , @cabasasa , @cherry-bombs-thingss , @dreamcloud12/@dreamdoll-12 and @terroristis3638…

For… you know… worrying about me and… checking up on me…

I would also like to apologize for making you guys worry about me so much… sometimes i… feel like i don’t deserve any of this kind of… attention…

But nonetheless… I am grateful for that… so… thank y’all, you guys are the best and i know one day (if you aren’t already being recognized) you all will be just like our idols: Jencil and Fluffpillow… talented and amazingly awesome…

With that out of my chest… let’s… talk about… the not so great stuff…

You know? It… was very, very… hard for me to come here and… explain the stuff that is happening on my life…

One because i… felt like if i did… i would be bothering you all with… unnecessary drama that you all clearly are going through worse than me…

And, btw, i may not have said a single reassuring word to any of you when you guys vented… (and i am deeply sorry for that…) but just know that… i am always praying for you all and… sending my best vibes and encouraging energy to all of you… (even though i am not in the best moment of my life mentally myself, haha…)

And two… well, here goes nothing, i guess:

I am currently 21 (still living with my parents, but that’s really not THE problem… the problem is… i just sometimes feel like… a useless lazy ass… that i am an adult (even though i am still trying to process this… let me ya: it’s hard…) and… “technically”… i would be considered a loser because of that… that i am not trying “hard” enough to be truly a “true mature” adult… you guys… get… the idea…) 12 of July of this year i turned 21… (i wanted to make a special headcanon/Fanfic for you all regarding my birthday… but oh well, surprise, surprise… i was too… “lazy” to do it… like i always am…), i have a brother who has Down syndrome (who i worry so much and care about his future… like… simple things like: having a wife (not husband because he only likes women), having independence, having… you know… a life of his own… and… sadly… he’s 6 years older than me and… doesn’t have any of that yet…), i (thankfully) have a “dream job”… like… where i work on they are very inclusive and friendly with me… (but sometimes my traumatized and paranoid self thinks everyone on my workplace are only “nice” to me because i am autistic and secretly, they all hate me… i am not saying that’s the case for everybody… but… I just can’t help myself…) but… they are also very, VERY strict and demand PERFECTION…

I work on a restaurant in Brazil… they are getting very popular around the whole country and… they… sometimes… forget that I am autistic and expect me to act like I am not…

Now, now, I definitely wish them all the prosperity and good luck in the world and I am DEFINITELY not trying to paint them as the “villains” and playing the victim here… (this part i am trying to convince myself that…) because they are also human and i am THE first diagnosed autistic employee working on their restaurant… so of course they are going to… make some mistakes…

Like talking to me very sharply when there’s almost 100 (and this is not a stretch, really, sometimes it’s even MORE than that…) people coming over to our place…

(This was a one time occurrence but… it still haunts me…): when one of the owners “humiliated” me in front of another client… (context: i said very calmly after he told me to check one table if they were served by the waitress/waiter… btw, it was THEIR job to check on the tables… i was the hostess that my only job was to guide others to their table… but i’ve given up a pass because one: he’s my boss and two: i was still on my early stages of learning to work there… but after I’ve told him that they were only waiting for someone else to come so they could order (a very common occurrence), he simply gestured me to come closer and, in front of a friend of his (which is another client), he ranted about how i couldn’t defy him like “that” and that i should just do as he tells me to do… you all may not feel the fear and anxiety that i felt after his “little” rant… but i certainly felt… more explicitly: i felt like shit…)

Hypocrisy… a lot of it… like, my supervisors tell the other employees that we shouldn’t have some small talk with other departments of the restaurant… but ThEy CaN tAlK aLl ThEy WaNt! (Sometimes they even forget they are working and start talking about their life problems to others…)

Or, or! When they tell us to not get late, but guess what? They CAN get late to work! Ain’t that nice? :)

And you may be wondering… “but Mochi! If you’re unhappy there, why don’t you find another job??”

Well… i don’t know if you know this but… here in Brazil… we, as a nation, are suffering from a wave of extreme unemployment…

People younger than me are having a real hard time trying to feed their families… all of us are suffering from the extreme inequality…

And…

Here it comes my dilemma, self loathing and suicidal thoughts: i like my job… i have strong connections with everyone there… they are like a family to me! (Well, don’t really know for sure if they feel the same for me but… i do…) but… sometimes i feel like i am in a more “semi-toxic” family than a true healthy family… but at same time, if i leave… i fear i will disappoint them… disappoint my REAL family… disappoint… basically… everyone… and that i am going to come off as a little ungrateful piece of shit… that after everything they did for me (my workplace family) i left them… and i am simply going to be easily replaced… like i wasn’t even someone but… something…

I daily think about stopping existing, stopping breathing, stopping… living… and just… end it all… but (i don’t know if i should be thankful for that or not but… eh…) i guess i am too much of a coward to end myself… (thanks for my phobia of how i am going to die… i don’t fear dying… I fear how will i die and if that’s going to be painful and scary…)

I… have stopped doing what i most loved doing… writing, reading and drawing… because of my work… first, it was school… now work…

It’s… almost comical really, how i am seen by many as a robot to now serve people and only do that… (and with a BiG sMiLe On My FaCe!)

Even when i get home… i can’t stop thinking about work… when i am with my friends… when i am with my family… it’s always there… haunting me… my mind reminding every single second that i am now an adult and i should just fake it till i make it… but how long? How long till i collapse and let out a desperate scream? A cry for help?

When i am having my few happy moments… i sometimes wish i could rewind them over and over again just so i don’t have to remember that i am seen by many as just another machine to make them richer…

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.

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Okay… maybe i should stop trauma dumping on you all and get to the real important stuff…

I promise i will answer every question of you guys on my inbox and… today i am going to make a lot of posts just so i feel like i am not being a useless and bad friend to you guys…

And the fanfic of the Charlie and the chocolate factory is on hiatus… if that wasn’t obvious by my long absence… i really don’t know when i am going to finish that… but i promise, especially for you @cabasasa, that by the end of the year i am going to post the full AU…

And that’s it…

Now back to the normal schedule…

[lotuslate]

decomposition!

[oceanwaves-mp3]

i need a humans touch but you don't need me

[queenlucythevaliant]

Just to clarify my thoughts (since I've had a number of people ask me about it) re: Job and cursing God. There's a big difference between cursing God as used in Scripture and how we generally would think of cursing at God today.

Cursing someone, in the Bible, has a lot of depth to it. It's not just saying "screw you " in anger, it's got a sense of forsakenness to it. It's the opposite of a blessing, a removal of blessing. If the blessing is presence, your face shining on the person you're blessing, then a curse is absence. In some translations, Job's wife tells him to "renounce God and die," which I honestly think makes a lot more sense to modern ears.

Job says a lot of unpleasant things to and about God in his anger and grief. So do the Psalmists. A number of the Prophets. So can we. God can take it if we come to him with honest expressions of our emotion, including those not-so-nice ones directed at him. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting mad at God and saying, "How dare you, you bastard" when you suffer unjustly. You can say much worse, I think, without sinning, though I don't feel particularly inclined to give examples. But as long as it's an honest expression of your heart, I think you're doing exactly what prayer is for. You're presenting him your heart with an open hand. He can use that. Opposite of love is not hate but indifference, etc.

Job doesn't renounce God. Neither should we. But I think when you're truly suffering, you're gonna have those feelings toward God either way. He'd rather you address them with him directly than try to avoid them. Cursing at God in the modern sense is actually a great way to keep the relationship strong and not end up cursing/renouncing him in the Biblical sense.

[a-loose-collection-of-ants]

A true and 100% historically accurate account of Hamilton's first meeting with Andre

+ Bonus Lafayette

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

i still haven’t really had the time to process my emotions but i really am soooo upset that we didn’t get a funeral …….. like . there are a lot of things i forgive akutami for because of how awful his work schedule must be / how hellish writing is in general but choosing to throw in that last minute mission instead of a funeral to really show grief over gojo’s death is not one of them …… i just don’t really understand it? i’ve always disagreed with the fandom’s ooc allegations and i still do now because nothing the characters did or said this chapter was ooc, but if they aren’t shown grieving beforehand then obviously people are going to feel that gap… :’)

the literal only issue is that what we know must have happened between these chapters wasn’t shown to us. and that just makes me so so sad . we know how many people cared about gojo, yuji tells him that ’none of us could ever forget you’ and maybe that’s akutami’s way of showing that, but since the characters don’t even explicitly mention that he’s dead everything just falls kinda flat … i’m still praying on my knees for an ova chapter / for mappa to add stuff in season 4, but rn i just feel very sad :< the gap of writing quality between 261 and 271 is just really jarring … i liked a lot of things in this chapter. but i just can’t get past the funeral thing …….

[frankiensteinsmonster]

Hi. When I use my cane to assist me in something besides walking/standing please don't assume I will be "doing a trick" with it. I take pride and joy in how fucking boring and mundane I choose to make myself to you (abled people), I'm never going to be your entertainment. Stop assuming we exist to make you smile and clap like we're fucking animals at a zoo instead of people in pain. You want interesting? Ask me about tarantulas. The sheer number of instruments I play. Kanien'kehá:ka. My opinions on Frankenstein. My OUtFiT. There are way funner things about me than the stick I'm walking with because my body hurts all over all of the time.

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

The fans: Ugh Sonic was just so preachy. I mean obviously he's supposed to be the good guy, so any uncomfortableness I feel here and any way I feel like Sonic's choices are framed as being why some other people have shitty lives is just bad writing because he is obviously supposed to be right always, but this characterization makes no sense. Isn't he right for the things he did?

Ian Flynn, using Kitsunami to say the (barely even at this point) quiet part even louder: Hey it's almost like ever since the Mr. Tinker event we've been purposely running with the critique of Sonic as being more selfish than he appears. Sonic is upholding a system of Eggman v Sonic that currently benefits him and shuts down talk of how to improve the current system because he likes his own personal enjoyment and he's attached enough to Eggman that he'd rather Eggman pretend to be a good person than be stuck in prison for life. He doesn't even quite practice what he preaches. We are trying to show that the current hero v villain system and Sonic's recklessness currently affects some people poorly and that Sonic isn't a perfect hero.

[puppppppppy]

mascot

[biruesque]

moonlight sonata and i

[honeymochibubbletea]

Hey my dearies… everything good with you all? I hope so…

Sorry that lately I haven’t been posting much…

You know: trying to get over a slump…

Sometimes it’s really frustrating when you’re one of the few people that make any form of art for a small fandom…

You have no one to talk to about your hyperfixation on certain characters, you have no other artists where you can admire their artworks about said characters… and you don’t see any one other person than yourself doing “x reader” or fanfics for this small fandom…

But today i promise that i’ll make some posts for the Telltown fandom…

I really hope Fluff and Jencil post more about their characters… because we know so, but oh so little about them… (but if you are seeing this post, please, let them take their time: don’t annoy or bother them just because i’m curious… ok?)

And that’s it, i guess, see you all on my next post… bu-bye…

[outlying-hyppocrate]

So Normal about my characters. yes i gave them their own handwriting styles and made up little dialogues on paper like they were passing notes in class. still Normal by the way

[whentommymetalfie]

when you receive a comment on a fic you're already feeling insecure about, just asking if you'll continue asking on another fic... and nothing else :/

I know it can feel frustrating when you're waiting on an update and the author is working on different stuff, but please don't do this

[wiwpai]

i've been counting months, it's almost eleven since we've talked and showed you affection i'll never have anyone to connect with like we had or the feeling of commitment

getting weaker by the day, pain just pressing

thinking what to do with my life, it's depressing

thinking i'll always be alone, i expect it.

[falmerbrook]

Not to be too corny but the new year has got me thinking and I really appreciate this blog because this is pretty much the only site/community/fandom where I don't stress out over posting every single thing I post, afraid I'll be shit on for... something (my brain is very good at coming up with hypotheticals). I know, I know I'm way too sensitive and i shouldn't care about what others think and the internet isn't real so it doesn't matter etc. etc. but unfortunately I just don't know how to get my brain to work like that. I mean, I'm still too afraid of being cringe to draw/write/yap about everything I'd hypothetically like to, but I've been way more social and open to posting my thoughts on here than I've ever been before, and it's made me more confident online overall. So thank you all for being so welcoming and chill!

[the-way-astray]

i am not ready to get pissed off today but can we not ruin people’s positive fandom experiences. can we not. if someone makes a post saying “i love sophie foster!!!!” can we not go to that post and immediately comment “well i don’t like her”. if someone shares a headcanon and it clashes with yours can we not go to that post and reply “well that headcanon is WRONG because HERE’S WHAT CANON SAYS”. if someone talks about a ship can we not go on that post and start ripping it to shreds. can we not. you are aware that just scrolling past without engaging is an option, right? you know you can tamp down the urge to express your negative opinion where inappropriate, right? make your own damn post!!!! can we not ruin positivity posts for the people that like/made them. can we please not. please.