#someone on strawpage asked me what its like being popular

[mewguca]

sometimes i feel compelled to delete this account

[fagcrush]

im trying to be very nice here but im am NOT good with words. so im very sorry if this sounds mean in any way it is probably the autism or just me being bad at communication.

but.

i think it can be very hard to realize how much attention when you are feeling so low. i used to be in a place like that where i was constantly just wishing for anyone to reach out to me(it wasnt about selfshipping, but still) and i didnt realize that people WERE.

it can also be very hard when you compare yourself to other people who are more popular. honestly you probably get at least 20x the amount of interaction i receive on my blog, and sometimes i even envy you for it! i only have like one mutual i interact with regularly, and its rare when a post of mine gets even 2 or 3 notes. and it can be hard to see someone getting asks so frequently compared to me but still saying that they receieve nothing.

and i dont hold it against you in any way! i know its a silly feeling and i try my best to acknoledge but not act on those feelings of jealously.

but i think maybe you should take a step back and try to not compare yourself to others so frequently?

and i know i personally try to interact with you. i have sent multipule asks on anon, we are mutuals, ive sent you more than one drawing on your strawpage, and if i had more conifdence in myself or i knew more about your fos i would totally send you asks from them!!

but i think you should maybe consider your mental health is coloring how you see things? i know its not your fault. when i was in a much worse space it was so easy to not remember anything good and only focus on the bad. but persepctive can change a lot. i used to be anxious and sad about no one caring about my self ships, but once i realized that even having one mutual care was a huge thing i was so much happier. i think rather than trying to appeal to everyone in the community you could try shifting your focus to building a smaller net of close friends who all hype each other up? message someone! just tell them you want to be friends! encourage their ships! and if you feel like they dont care about you/your ships the same way you do about them, or that they arent putting in as much energy as you are then you should talk to them! people can show support in different ways and diffrent things more or less to different people! so while they may think they are making a huge effort you may not be feeling any of it.

and also maybe consider making a tag on your blog for archival purpses of every times someone sends you an ask supporting you or your ships! that way when you are feeling low and get trapped in the spiral of thinking no one cares about you, you can check the tag and have proof to remind yoursel that people DO care!

anyway. im sorry if any of this seemed like i was trying to tell you what to do. or that i think i know better than you about your own mental health/life/friendships. i was honestly just trying to give advice i thought might help, but if i overstepped a boundry im very sorry!

anyway. just remeber that if nothing else i do care about you. i read all your posts. i like your blog. maybe i should tell you more, but i think you are a cool person!

Im tired af bc I'm still kind waking up so I'll be answering this in chunks. Sorry if that makes it confusing lol

i just. Rn I've gotten a couple things yeah , but it kind of hurts to go to sleep in such a bad state, and wake up to no asks you know? Like. Idk. I was hoping I'd get something while I was asleep but ig it's too much effort or something. Idk. It just feels like when I fall asleep in the worst mood i could be in that someone would reach out.

I haven't been getting much engagement at all the past couple months even when I ask. I can't remember the last time I got an fo letter or anything similar in my inbox. My strawpage is pretty active sometimes, but otherwise it's so rare for someone to send me something. It's hard not to compare when I go through all that, and then check my dash and see someone w a super obscure fo get a letter w out even asking.

It's this in the moment thing that's really bugging me tbh. For 4 days now I've been reblogging a post asking for people to send me stuff bc I'm in a really awful place mentally and can't even figure out why so idk what to do to feel better other than beg for someone to care. I tried being comforting and doing stuff for myself and none of it worked.

I have friends and stuff that I send asks and messages to all the time. I try so hard to reach out to others when they're sad even if I'm not feeling great myself. Maybe I need to start asking off anon more/attaching my url when I do ask on anon but I really do engage w the community a lot and I wish it would pay off.

You're fine though and I appreciate it, it's not less about not getting anything ever (I know I do get stuff and I appreciate it!) and more "in this moment I just really want someone to reach out and give me some care bc holy fuck I haven't felt this depressed in a hot minute"