#some may call me sick.
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updating the good ol' dnd sim
#ts4#ts4 cas#the sims 4#i love not opening this game for months at a time and then going back in for ONE SIM#some may call me sick.#i am#something something check the room size before casting fireball..... he heard none of that#the least wizard looking wizard ever! :)#folas#<3 my babygirl
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pals and other things :D
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc#cat cup#doodles#eye strain#! ! ! they are like terrarium creatures to me hbsfh :3#//my brother reed had the idea for them to have little goats for their wagons and honestly. Yea lfsfhv#//oh so the other two cats are Smokey (or Smokes sometimes (he/him)) and Quarry (she/her) :D#there are about 6 other characters in their group but they are not so important so bfsh#/the dragonflies are fairies!! it's only right imo lol :>#for species i have so far are 1) the cats 2) humans 3) trolls (small guys) 4) fairies and 5) hags#'what's with the hags' technically they're just magical old people and can be of any species but i think it's funny so hfbhs#asked some of my siblings which species they'd like to be and they all deeply considered hag so it was a hit hgshf#OH! i almost forgot about 6) The Beasts#<- they're kinda inspired by whatever those things were in the wizard of oz#genuinely scared me as a child so hbfsh :>#forgot what they were called though!! creepy guys lol <3#/oh there may also be banshees 👍 another thought from reed ehe :3#//oh and i'm using the little drop thingies to represent spirits in this story !#which include ghosts and fairies and banshees and da da da da ykno :>#//yep yep!!#i'm gonna head off rn though..#toooodles toodles [waves handkerchief]#hey i can write handkerchief first try!! sick :D#bye though hbfsv - bye !!
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...😭
#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one#the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all#i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today#as i was absolutely useless today#and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭#a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭#and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional)#i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again#i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again#i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it#i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn#and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now#also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely#and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends#for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations#on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed#i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely#please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby
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This Home of Mine
How had it come to this?, Aviloh asked himself as the argument around him began to get louder. Somehow he had known it would all end horribly one day. He just had hoped it would take a little longer. He only had himself to blame for this, he thought as his eyes fearfully scanned the crowd that was slowly gathering around them.
There at the sidelines stood U‘khaya with a gleeful expression on her face. She knew this would happen, he realised. But A’viloh wasn’t the kind of person to blame her for what happened…
U‘khuba‘s twin sister had always been following the boys around even when they all had still been kids. She had been a brave and stubborn little girl, maybe a little mean sometimes but not more so than her brother. A‘viloh had always thought she was following them because of Khuba - twins being inseparable or something. Never had he imagined the reason would be Laqa instead.
Of course he could have guessed it. Everyone loved Laqa! Apparently Khaya wasn’t an exception in this matter.
That evening - before the argument - A‘viloh had waited for quite some while by the pond. They had always used to hide there when they still had been kids, every time the other boys had stirred trouble or teased the girls.
By now it was one of the spots Laqa and him sometimes used as meeting points when they sneaked out of the settlement together. But today the other Miqo’te had arrived so late, A‘viloh had already started to wonder if something had happened.
“There you are!”, Aviloh said relieved as Laqa finally appeared just when he was about to go searching for him. “I was already worried. Did something happen?”
The blonde Miqo’te made an annoyed face. “Just Khaya happened…”
A’viloh didn’t understand. “Khaya? What’s wrong with her?”
“Everything apparently!”, Laqa exclaimed disgruntled, which made A‘viloh even more confused.
Laqa sighed.
“She waylaid me on my way outside.”, he explained but couldn’t help to look a little angry still. “Started talking some nonsense about how impressed she was about the quarry from our last hunt and how it is a shame that it isn’t me leading the tribe instead of father.”
A’viloh furrowed his brows, still not quite connecting the dots. Laqa grimaced. “Then she threw herself at me and tried to kiss me.”
“She what?”, A‘viloh exclaimed a little louder than intended, with a mix of shock and disbelief on his face.
Laqa raised his hands in a calming manner. “Don’t worry! I of course told her that I am not interested. Like I ever would be anyway! We may be almost the same age but she is still my mother’s sister. What was she even thinking, Vi?”
A‘vi shrugged but couldn’t help to remember something one of Laqa’s sisters had once told him. “Lamana mentioned that Khaya didn’t agree with some of U‘odh‘s opinions. She thought her and Khuba were still mad with him because of their father…”
“That makes no sense! They have no reason for that! It’s not like father threw them all out!”, Laqa said annoyed. “Alone because of mom he wouldn’t have! Anyway, grandpa had been old already, if not father then someone else would sooner or later have challenged him. All of them were always treated equally. Why would they be mad?”
A’viloh gave another shrug and smiled weakly. “Maybe it’s none of that and she really just is a little in love with you… I can’t blame her…”
Laqa lightly glared at him, as if he wanted to say “this isn’t funny”, but couldn’t help to grin himself.
“It’s still absurd!”, he said while shaking his head.
“You think?”, A‘viloh asked and chuckled. “I wouldn’t be surprised if half the village was secretly in love with you.”
Laqa made a sound somewhere between an annoyed huff and a suppressed laugh. Then he stretched out a hand for A‘viloh to take. As A‘viloh did so Laqa pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around him. “Too bad for them that the only one I will ever love is you.”
All too willingly - too carelessly! - A’viloh melted into the other Miqo’te’s embrace. Laqa saying things like this never failed to give him a warm and fuzzy feeling. Just as much as Laqa kissing him always made his heart skip a beat and his mind go silent.
Gently A‘viloh wrapped his arms around the taller Miqo’te’s neck, like an invitation to pull him even closer and deepen their kiss, when suddenly a sound appeared nearby. Their ears, currently slightly drooped, attentively shot up and both Miqo’te instinctively turned to see where the unexpected sound had come from.
Without doubt, there by one of the larger rocks nearby, eyes wide and mouth agape in disbelief, stood a Miqo’te girl with dark hair and bright blue eyes.
Khaya!
This was the exact moment A‘viloh knew he was in trouble.
“Khaya…”, Laqa was the first one to find his voice again. He sounded almost as if he wanted to reassure a shy animal, but it only made the girl unfreeze, whirl around and run away. “No! Khaya, wait!”, Laqa called and ran after her. He probably wanted to explain, wanted to beg her to stay silent, but A‘viloh knew it was too late already.
With his heart hammering against his chest and his thoughts racing he stood there and just watched them go. For a second he wondered what he should do now. But he had nowhere else to go, probably no one else who would defend him apart from Laqa. So slowly he followed back to the settlement, wishing he could just vanish into thin air.
***
“Tell me this isn’t the thruth.”, U‘odh demanded from his son. His voice was still relatively calm but there already was a tone in it, a kind of threatening sound that also reflected on his face.
For a moment the thought crossed A’viloh’s mind, that Laqa could simply have lied. That he simply could have denied everything. Maybe, just maybe, his father would have believed him.
But that wasn’t like Laqa.
“It’s true!”, Laqa admitted and turned his face a little bit to look at A‘viloh, who so far had stood a few steps behind him, trying to stay out of U’odh’s attention. “A‘vi and I are a couple.”
A murmur went through the crowd and somehow even A‘viloh felt surprised to hear him say this so bluntly for everyone to hear. U‘odh laughed, but it lacked any humor. A’viloh already looked very uncomfortable but when the nunh’s sharp eyes landed on him, he almost flinched away and cast his eyes down to the ground.
“That weak little welp?!”, U’odh spat out, speaking to his son but still looking and pointing at A’viloh. “What do you want with him?! He’s good for nothing!”
A’viloh had never quite understood this either. There were so many better people than him and still Laqa had chosen him instead. Carefully A‘viloh glimpsed up at Laqa and could see his whole body tense up against the nunh’s insulting words. Stubbornly Laqa stared into his father’s eyes and growled.
“Don’t you dare to speak of him like that! I don’t care if he can fight or not, he is kind and wonderful and I love him!”
But U‘odh simply shook his head and laughed condescendingly.
“Love?! Don’t be foolish now… you know nothing about love.”
That had been too much for Laqa.
Usually no one dared to speak up against U‘odh no matter how harsh his words sometimes were. But Laqa, in a way just like his father and in another just like his mother, never had known how to back down. The anger about the situation and also about his father didn’t help, so his next words sounded especially blunt and sharp, more so than he probably truly thought.
“More than you! You wouldn’t recognise love if it stood right in front of you! Because you are just a bitter resentful man who doesn’t know how to love!”
Shocked gasps sounded from the crowd and everybody stared at either Laqa or his father, waiting for a reaction. For a few long seconds both remained silent. But while Laqa just stared at the older Miqo’te with a stubborn, unyielding face, the nunh‘s face changed slowly but entirely. All the mockery faded from his face and instead his expression turned to an angry snarl.
A‘viloh knew he would only end up in the crossfire but if he didn’t do something now, they would certainly fight and that was the last thing any of them could want. He didn’t really know what to say but scraped up all his bravery and stepped forward a bit. Trying to divert their attention from each other he spoke up, still quiet but clearly audible against this deadly silence.
“Please stop, I don’t —“
But U’odh wasn’t going to listen to whatever he had to say. Furiously he whirled towards him and stepped closer with wild rage in his eyes.
“No one allowed YOU to speak, you pathetic little weakling! Get out of my sight, you are none of my kin and I never want to see your whiny face again! You are nothing but a parasite and I have suffered your presence here for long enough! Begone! You are no longer welcome here!”
Of course. A‘viloh had expected this but it still hurt to hear these words out loud. He tried not to cry but already looked quite miserable already, even without tears. U’odh however wasn’t done with him yet.
“Oh, how I regret the day I allowed you to stay here! I wish you had just died with the rest of your miserable family!”, the nunh hissed and looked as if he was about to attack A‘viloh with more than just hurtful words.
With tears in his eyes A‘viloh shivered in fear and flinched away. He had never seen U’odh so furious before. But before the man could loose his self-control entirely and really tried to strike at him, Laqa stepped between them and protectively wrapped his arms around A‘viloh.
Instantly everything went silent again. Everyone seemed shocked by what had happened or what U’odh had just said. Even the nunh himself seemed stunned when he saw his son’s disgusted face, staring at him. But U‘odh was not the kind of man to give in or admit his failures. Instead he quietly but sharply said, “Don’t look at me so. My word is final. He is none of our family and I want him gone by tomorrow.”
With a strange mixture of defiance and sadness Laqa looked at his father for a moment, before he spoke.
“In that case I don’t consider you my family any longer either. A place where A‘vi isn’t welcome I cannot call my home. If you send him away, I will go with him!”
Briefly a shadow crossed his face but then U’odh looked entirely unfazed again.
“Where would you even go?”, he asked and shook his head dismissively.
“Anywhere but here...”, Laqa replied coldly and turned to A’viloh. “Let’s go and pack our things.”
All of this had happened so suddenly A’viloh still could not quite believe it. No matter what U’odh had said, for him this place was still his home and the people here the closest thing he had to a family. He didn’t want to leave.
“What? Now?”, he asked and pleadingly looked to Laqa, hoping that there was some way to make everything right after all.
“Yes! I’m sure we can stay with the Flames for one night and tomorrow morning we leave.”
His decision seemed to be final, just as U’odh’s. What was A’viloh supposed to do against that?
Laqa made a point of taking A‘viloh’s hand so everyone could see it and knew to whom his loyalty belonged. Slowly he let his gaze wander over the crowd of curious faces giving them one last chance to speak up but they all remained silent.
With a last disappointed look at his father he turned around and walked away, unconcerned that they all stared at them as they left.
#ffxiv#ff14#final fantasy xiv#final fantasy 14#ffxiv writing#ffxiv screenshots#ff14 screenshots#ffxiv gpose#gpose#Aviloh Tia#Laqa Tia#I'm sorry for writing Avi in distress again...#but I was thinking about writing this for so long now it was only a matter of when instead of if#Besides now me not using the U for Laqa's name tag maybe makes some more sense XD#btw the title is a line of lyrics#I wonder if anyone recognizes it...#probably not though...#Its from a song called Family by Badflower#It may not fit perfectly... maybe its more of a Laqa song... but I think it has good bits for each of their feelings probably...#besides am I the only person wondering if Miqo’te have a rather Targaryen approach to relationships?#once again I feel like I have to say a few defending words about U’odh xD#First it wasn’t the fact of A‘vi being a guy that annoyed him - I think that’s pretty much not an issue in this world#Just the fact that Miqo’te culture seems very survival of the fittest to me#and A‘vi while helping with whatever work there is in the village is just not particularly strong or anything#also I think U‘odh honestly loves all of his children just can’t show it very well due to this whole you have to look strong mentality xD#I also think he at least really loved Laqa’s mother after all I imagine he challenged her father just so he was allowed to be with her…#Tbh I build so much background lore about this whole family in my head it’s absolutely ridiculous xD#Maybe an issue for him not approving Laqa being in love with someone as weak as A’viloh is also Laqa’s mother#I imagine she was a good hunter but also didn’t have a good health and died of some sickness resulting from that which broke his heart#enough rambling of lore I should put into text instead of here 🙈
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i am far more slow now because it is so cold and i would rather be a blanket cocoon than sit at my pc.
#I LOVE WINTER !!!#i despise summer#winter however hates me and i am#feeling sick but not sick but also just#generally very lethargic bc that's how the cold be#i may do a meme / prompt ask call thing tomorrow to try and get some more interactions going but#im eepy#ooc.
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more solo magma doodles. this time featuring fortune, the very original and not-at-all-based-on-anything tiefling paladin i'm going to be playing in a new campaign this summer :]
#martzipan#marzi#fortune#any resemblance to all persons living or dead is purely coincidental and not intended. or whatever#for sure gonna have him keep his hair up. only person besides me who knows fortune's whole deal is my dm#so i gotta keep the rest of my party unaware of my Trick for as long as possible#cannot WAIT to play him. i am going to have so much fun#dm said 'i want some intra-party tension' and i said 'oh that's perfect actually'#i've been wanting to create this character for a little bit. so i had a lot of details planned out already#he was GONNA be an elf but our party already has an elf and i'm a fan of party diversity so. excuse to play a tiefling lmao#he's a tiefling of balthazaar specifically! who specializes in corruption. also he can cast ray of sickness and crown of madness teehee#but don't worry! he's a paladin sworn to the oath of ancients! his life's goal is to beat back the darkness of the world#and to nurture its light instead#though the curse that was placed on him at birth may sometimes get in the way of that...#(he has a modified version of the lucky feat. i call it the wheel of fortune.)#(every luck point i spend gives my dm a luck point to use against me in return. i was the one to suggest this modification)#(completely original character i swear. entirely original and not based on anything at all. the source is me. do not steal)#'mars why are you using magma without any other people' people frighten me. next question
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I made a boo oc!! I'll make more drawings to use them for when I start making "serious" YouTube videos :3
#mayodraws#dont really know what else to tag so#TIME FOR RAMBLING WOOHOO#im thinking of just getting rid of the name Mayo tbh#ive grown sick of it#honestly might just stick to my real name for everything atp#i use it for the entirety of discord now so 💀#i just feel like its not me if its not my actual name#its like its a separate identity of myself even if im the same person you know?#i like feeling that i am me even through a screen i am still me and not some offbrand representation of myself#so hey everyone my name is Hailey :3 feel free to call me that#soon enough ill change all my socials or the ones I actually use to be some form of 'Hailstorm' because it sounds cool imo#and its a nickname my sister gave me so it also means something special to me <3#should I have made a separate post for this? yes#is it too late? also yes#since im in a ramble session i may as well say more on my mind#im in a server for discord and i so badly have been trying to become friends with people there but holy shit even after like 2 months#i still cant gather courage to speak most of the time#hopefully ill open up more soon but man i need to just not be so shy 😭#are you having fun reading through the tags 💀💀#i would be surprised of anyone actually read all if them#if you did i hope you have a wonderful day 👍👍#also Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its Christmas totally#back onto the youtuve thing most of my videos are just shit like “toad screaming” or editing zelda cutscenes but at some point i want to#make scripted videos for nintendo related stuff#i already finished a script for ttyd and i know its not the best script but for being my first its good enough and ill learn along the way#okay im done yapping Happy St Patrick's Day
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trying to draw smth emotional when having flat and shallow emotions yourself fucking sucks
#drew 3 sketches but in the end they didn't make me feel anything beside the sickening emptiness#it's as if you asked someone who's never seen some thing draw this thing#you can never get it right#I'm bad w artistic comparisons or whatever it's called in english#may post them later or not idk I don't feel like posti my drawings now I'm having a massive crisis and idk if I'm ever gonna b over it#I don't fw art school homework#literally forcing art out of yourself feels horrible like ur not a person but a factory#a mechanism without feelings and emotions whose only option is: p.e.r.f.e.c.t.i.o.n#and practice#how can I practice if I can't feel a thing and everything makes me sick everyone makes me sick I want a way out#drawing doesn't save me anymore#doesn't provide a way out#thank you art school#it's not a confort hobbie to relax it's something that makes me fell stressed and sick and worthless#losing passion for the only thing you loved doing is... frustrating at least#smells.like.a.freakshow
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Guess whos potentially working a triple tomorrow?????????
Im going to transform into my final form if this shit keeps up i swear to god.
#summerly talks#im just. gonna have to tell my boss that. effective immediately. i cant work the weekend anymore#sad because its good money#but this is becoming a fucking pattern and if it does i may actually dive into a fission reactor while singing meltdown ;_;#like. i was okay with the double? my coworker called in because her baby was sick#and she promised me if i couldnt get anyone to cover for my am shift tomorrow she would take it#then at like 9pm i get a text saying. she cant. her baby wont let her leave#and i feel selfish because. she has a baby. but i have cats and luckily i was able to drop by today to pick up my sleepover kit#and also make sure minty had food. (fieldie has an auto feeder so hes okay)#and i just. want to go home#the reality is i cant. i cant go. not unless one of the people i texted gets back to me saying theyll come in#and no one has yet. its 11pm. no one will at this point.#im tired im tired im tired#i dont want to end up like i did at my ladt job. giving away entirely too much of me and destroying myself#ive already lost most if not all of my passion for this job#and when i was younger i dreamt of working with disabled people. i burnt too quick and now im a shell of what i was#but this is the only thing im trained for that would allow me to like. keep my home#maybe if or when i move to brisbane i can look into a different job. do an it course idk. something where there's less people skills needed#i better try to get some sleep orz tonights gonna be a bitch of a thing
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actually fuck this job forever 👍
#i got so fucking stressed yesterday that i caused a fucking flare up and now i cant stop throwing up#i called off and . idk. i have to go in to the office today to get paperwork.#im gonna very firmly talk to them about changing my schedule#i hate to do that after literally only one day#but i have several excuses prepared#and hopefully i can just get my scedule changed.#i think . worst case. well worse case they just go damn you suck . leave. and then im just Fucked again for money#cause i never even got enough to pay my shit this monthso i had to borrow some money from my parents#but maybe i can just. drop my first shift. which will leave me with only 10 hours a week#but if they really only have morning shifts erm. this may not work out#i havent gotten morning sickness in a long time but its a known symptom of one of my chronic illnesses#plus the stress obviously bc my first client is very disabled and needs more accomodation than i can provide bc im also disabled#idk guys. its only been one day but this For Real isnt working out how it is rn.#i was reading back over my employee handbook tho and it says employees can quit any time#in the first 60 days wirhout penalty so im hoping that means i can also change shifts without penalty...
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Whoa I'm really sad!!
#im really really sad :) help#my better coping mechanisms have been inaccessible (sex exercise and home cooked food)#im MEGA touch starved and my BPD is convincing me that my regular fwb is Done With Me#were more of a situationship that may be a dead end but we love each other type thing. idk#it was all peaches and cream until winter hit. it wad like this when we were dating too. he shut tf down.#he got super distant and i got super needy and we imploded. its happening again except we arent in an actual relationship#so im not saying anything and neither is he. and thats that.#im supposed to be moving out. lmfao.#the apartment complex is taking its sweet fucking time.#reviewing my application. I shouldve called them today im just sick of my calls going nowhere.#there is no serotonin in my brain. i feel like a loser and i dont like myself.#no one has checked in on me. i feel alone in the world.#i just hope i can go to sleep soon. buy some gifts. clean my room tomorrow.
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According to 6 different serious health/psychology pages I have BPD, do you think that means I should see a therapist?
#i've been thinking about the possibility for a while but never looked up symptoms because i was scared#and now it's starting to get out of hand so i finally did even though i originally didn't want to be officially diagnosed#for various reasons like the stigma in society and my health insurance knowing so all my future doctors will go back to their#'it's only psychological stop being so dramatic you're not actually sick' shit and invalidating me and my health problems in the past#some of them straight up refused to write a sick note for school when i actually had the flu back in 8th grade#so that's one reason why i don't want any mental illnesses to appear in my medical record#plus the cost factor because i'm not sure if the insurance would even cover everything but i might end up paying for it myself#if it means the health insurance won't be informed even if it's probably a lot of money#but in order to get therapy i need to get diagnosed by a professional so once i read into it a bit more i'll figure out how to tell my mom#and see if i'll call this one therapist in my town who apparently treats psychosomatic disorders#i'm sincerely sorry to everybody i've talked to recently (aside from casual fandom chatting) who may have noticed me behaving kinda shitty#advice is greatly appreciated because this hit me like a train and i don't fucking want this. like at all#i thought my switching between depressed and anxious and angry and empty and hyper was just. idk something else but not That#mel talks
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#o boy its been a shit january fr.#i feel so !!!! suffocated n alone#the fact i had to call in bc of the state of my mental health on monday was insane. i've never rly done that#and some people knew so it made it even more stressful having people worry 😭😭😭😭#my colleague did get me chocolate + iced coffee today to cheer me up :')#which was great bc as a result i am Sick and have NO voice and everything aches.#i walked into work yesterday and had to ground myself and do breathing exercises#i am fucking exhausted i slept well but still felt drained mentally n physically#im!!!! not okay!!!! but ill be okay!!!!#i may delete but im just. sad. kermit sad.#change is 😬#i had terrible eye pain last week and i kept telling people it was stress but they didnt believe me!!!#eye pain n cluster headaches n the fact even my meds dont curb this anxiety/depressive episodes !!!!#and my memory has been TERRIBLE like my memory sucks anyway but im talking forgetting things after like 2 secs .#i walk a few steps and i am like ? i forgot what im doing#kye.txt
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Always surprised at how little I mind hearing my own voice on recording. Something something depersonalization probably.
#del gets personal#called in sick bc i dont feel Great but im not sleepy dnough to go back to bed#and the first two chapters of UWTS are ready to be read#so i may as well do some audio tests and maybe a final recording#anyway it feels external to me in a way that means i dont mind hearing it which is fun
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.
#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less#been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive#been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all#but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a#necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin#a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear#can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or#tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people#hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i#the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite#unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and#the time and the money of course dont forget about the money)#and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that#I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak#that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would#that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here#when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either#forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?
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it’s weird bc i’m remembering so many details from my childhood with my grandparents and they often show in my dreams but i can’t remember what happened yesterday or last week
#i've lived in such a bubble since may#i feel like nothing good is ever gonna happen to me#i get sick all the time and i spend most of the time alone#i don't even call my parents THAT often bc believe me i used to call them every day even two or three times#but now when they ask me how i'm doing i'm just like ok bc i don't rly want to tell them how i rly feel#i need to gather some strength for xmas break bc i don't want my parents to see me cry and sleep all day#so i cry and sleep all day every day here#everything feels so bad and unreal
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