#but this is becoming a fucking pattern and if it does i may actually dive into a fission reactor while singing meltdown ;_;

[summerlycoris]

Guess whos potentially working a triple tomorrow?????????

Im going to transform into my final form if this shit keeps up i swear to god.

[thelovelyghostwriter]

Some of my favourite female characters in fiction

This list is not exhaustive and while I do have other characters that I find charming and that I love, I have noted these characters because in my opinion, they have struggled and/or there is a certain analysis to their personalities. 

Please take note that some of the characters are not morally good or have done questionable actions. This is not to discuss or say they are role models, but rather to write up what they represented, their role in the story or simply their personalities. I’m not here to justify the character’s actions.

Remember that a well-written characters do not have to be morally good. 

Also, a lot of them are from memory and the analysis aren’t well-structured. 

Let’s dive in:

1. Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby

Daisy, in my opinion, is incredibly misunderstood and unjustifiably hated among the readers. Her betrayal to Gatsby is indeed vile and it did upset me, I definitely think that she is materialistic, shallow and hurtful.  

“I hope she’ll be a fool—that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

Daisy did shit on Gatsby [trying to avoid spoilers here].  

However, I do like to note that I think part of her materialism and shallowness is because of how women were in the 1920s. They did not have any freedom or agency. To Tom, she seems to be a trophy wife for him to keep; and to Gatsby, he only liked the idea of her, he wasn’t in love with her. To everyone around her, she was an item, a beautiful doll to be possessed, rather than a person. I think that’s why she turned out like that. 

She's materialistic because men around her sees her as an object. Nonetheless, Daisy is still “careless” and hurtful; and I think this stemmed from the life she had led that were a compilation of choices that were made for her. Her betrayal towards Gatsby is what makes her character rather disappointing to most readers. The whiteness in her dress as described in her first appearance? It’s not innocence, but rather a void and jadedness. 

2. Neon Nostrade from Hunter x Hunter

Yet, another girl in our list that loves to be hated by the fandom. Though honestly, most of her haters are Chrollo and Kurapika stans who gets jealous because Chrollo got to hang out with her and Kurapika works under her. Also her repulsive hobby - although this is actually what makes me like her. 

I have addressed this in my other posts before, but let me just copy and paste them (and modify a bit):  Her upbringing and exploitation by her dad makes her materialistic and emotionally detached. This materialism and detachment is manifested in the form of her hobby as a dead body parts collector. But other than that, she’s really a normal girl, just sheltered and spoilt. The money she spends are even from her talent Lovely Ghostwriter, her father will be nothing without her. So I don’t see an issue with her spending them on shopping etc. 

In fact, I would argue that she bathes in materialism to fill the emptiness that she has. Her father is more concerned with her ability and power, she has no friends and is guarded 24/7 by employees.

All the times she threw tantrums and the way she talks… it’s a different speech pattern altogether when she interacts with Chrollo - which may suggest that the whole spoilt attitude is exaggerated to gain attention from a father who is indulgent in terms of material gifts, but not in terms of affection and time for her.

When Eliza cried, she was willing to forgo bidding the auction physically. Yes she did not care about the bodyguards because she is more focused on the living and the present (Eliza) than the dead.

The reason why she didn’t seem fazed when Dalzollene and the others died is because a) they were her bodyguards, it’s their job to put their life on the line to protect her, b) she mentioned to Chrollo that her fortune-telling is for the living, she likes to live in the present and doesn’t believe in the afterlife.

Neon is more focused on who is alive, rather than the dead (which also represented by her hobby of dead body parts collecting). She focuses on the present, unlike her clients who likes to know their future or people who dwell in the past. Kurapika on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He dwells on the past and likes to focus on his dead clan rather than the present times with his friends (which is completely understandable).

Another significance is that her fortune-telling ability is very useful and helpful, she says that she wanted to make people happy with it; but however, it is commercialized and used as a means of power (knowledge of the future = power) by her father and pretty much everyone around her. Just like how she objectifies dead people by collecting their parts, the people around her sees her as a tool due to her fortune-telling abilities, rather than see her as a person. Even Kurapika chose to get employed under her, for his own agenda (he is bound to meet dead body parts collectors at some point). 

She treats people like objects because people see her as one.

Of course, collecting dead body parts is a pretty fucked hobby; but what she represents and her role as a minor character is what makes her an outstanding minor female character in the show. 

Yes. She has traits that are not your typical role model, but neither are other hxh characters. She’s not independent, naive, can’t fight, in need of saving, uncaring at times and spoilt. She is far from so-called “strong female character” that we often look up to. She is a character with bad traits which is a result of being a victim. But that’s what makes me love her as a character in hxh. It reminds us that there are girls out there who has lack of freedom and control over their own fate; and their only way out is through materialism and detaching themselves from people. 

In fact, she might be even relateable to some people more than other female characters because there is vulnerability in her character.

3. Hua Mulan (Mostly the Chinese 2009 film, though the most well-known is the Disney 1998 animated film)

There has been various adaptations for this character, with the Disney Animated version being the most prominent.

However, my favourite one is definitely the Chinese film Hua Mulan: Rise of A Warrior (2009). It portrays the horrors of war and the suffering it brings, nationalism, camaraderie among the army - all while giving us the admirable Mulan climbing up to the ranks of being a war general.

I highly recommend this adaptation. I know the Disney Live Action 2020 version did not receive good reception, and we honestly did not need one because this 2009 Chinese film does the job well (I like their soundtrack though). It's not really well-known because it's a Chinese film (which is hella ironic because Hua Mulan is a Chinese character? Lmao).

"Today we will stain the battlefield with our blood. Behind us is our homeland. If we have to bleed out our last drop of blood, if we have to become bleached bones in this desert, we must defend it to the death! We must let the Rourans know we Wei warriors will never surrender and will never compromise! Soldiers may rebel against me, generals may leave me for dead, but I, Hua Mulan, will never betray my country!"

Generally, I either have an issue with strong female characters because they are just shallow (meaning they are only physically strong, often viewing rudeness, misandry and independence as strength). I like female characters who are so much more to that.

Mulan, in this film, not only showed her badassery in fighting the war for more than a decade, but we also see how much she struggled. Everytime her comrades die, her heart gets broken. Yet she has to learn how to pick herself up and become the leader that they need. She dislikes war, she dislikes the bloodshed; yet she fights for her country.

To me, a strong female character is not just a feminist icon or someone who can fight. In fact, a female character doesn't need to be someone capable of fighting, what makes her strong is to be able to overcome turbulence with determination.

I think this is something that is lacking in recent "strong female characters" - showing us their strength through perseverance.

As for the Disney's counterpart (talking about the 1998 film here), it is less morbid but we also see her trying her best to make her family proud and protect her country. Like the song Reflection and Loyal, Brave and True, she struggles with finding her purpose and her role in her family.

"The greatest gift of honour, is having you for a daughter."

4. Blanche Dubois from A Streetcar Named Desire

It's been years since I had analysed Blanche, but among all the 6 books that I had to study for English Literature, A Streetcar Named Desire has been my absolute favourite.

I think what struck me in this book is not just the style, but Blanche's vulnerability. Her actions are definitely not morally good: she misrepresents things, she lies, she even had sex with an underage student. She's paranoid, mentally unstable and prissy. Which was why, her polar opposite character, Stanley, is so annoyed with her.

After her husband's suicide, we see Blanche relying on the company of men to fill the void of her loneliness and misery. She is also concerned about her beauty fading with age - I find that highly reliable. It sounds incredibly "vain", but beauty does play a part.

Based on Evolutionary and Mating Theories among humans, appearance in women are especially important (also for men but not as much as women). Of course, there are other factors and traits that people find attractive, but Blanche's concern is valid here. She needs to find a husband to escape from her financial troubles; and her age, beauty and chastity plays a huge factor in her search for getting a man in the setting she was in (which was Mitch in this case). Ironically, these are the very traits that she has "lost" and so desperately tries to hide it.

Her ending is truly a devastating and upsetting one. [Will not talk about it due to spoilers]

"I've always depended on the kindness of strangers."

5. Haibara Ai/Shiho Miyano from Detective Conan

Perhaps one of the girls that is a wasted potential. In a series where the characters are mostly flat, she's arguably the most multi-faceted (but somehow I had heard that she no longer has the same complexity as she used to have - it's been a while since I followed this series).

But I remember absolutely loving this character.

Her background story is really unique in the show and one that is embedded within the Black Organisation plotline (why her character was dropped... Forever frustrating for me).

From the moment she was first introduced, we see Conan taking an immediate distrust towards her. A guy who is a detective who had been catching criminals - yet one ex-syndicate member stands before him. The one that actually helped to develop the APTX4869 that changed his life.

Yet, we see that it wasn't entirely within her control. Both her parents were syndicate members and when her sister tries to get both of them to leave, her sister dies.

Ai starts off as seemingly cold, pessimistic and avoidant. But as her arc goes on, the iceberg around her melts. We see her quirky sarcastic replies, her taste for fashion and she genuinely desires to be happy. Her relationship with Conan developed into a beautiful one - to the point where Conan trusts her with anything and they would risk their lives for one another.

Yet, we also empathies with her impending jealousy and heartache. The boy she has fallen for already has someone else. What's more, the girl is genuinely kind and is a splitting image of her sister. After Ran saved her from Vermouth, she quickly warms up to Ran as well.

She's also the key to developing the antidote for Shinichi to be back with Ran - an almost painful metaphor for her to give him away (he never belonged to her in the first place). Yet, she doesn't really stop them from being together (even though in some cases she appears jealous or phrase ShinRan's reunion as a word of caution).

I definitely think she is the most compelling character in Detective Conan because of her character development and the struggles she faces. It's definitely upsetting that her character has been neglected.

“Don’t judge people from the outside. Like any rose has thorns, the more the person appears nice on the outside, the more you should doubt the inside.”

6. Misato Katsuragi from Neon Genesis Evangelion

Who is the best female character in Eva? Asuka or Rei? My answer will always be Misato, Risato is a close second (I wanted to analyse Risato, but I’m trying to keep it to one person per series). Misato is one of the 90s anime babes. She definitely captivated many people’s heart. 

I must say though, I have a soft spot towards female characters who has some sort of daddy issues (why I like Neon Nostrade). It’s been a while since I had watched Eva, but I’m going to try to remember why I like her. 

I think the concept of Hedgehog’s Dilemma has been echoed throughout the series, and all the characters seem to struggle with emotional attachment towards people. I actually like to phrase the Hedgehog Dilemma as “Avoidant-Fearful Attachment Style” - wanting connection with people, yet not being able to do so out of fear of being hurt. 

For Misato, when I initially first watched Eva, I compared her a little to Blanche Dubois in how they cope with loneliness - their sexuality. I remember being confused with her interactions with Shinji, who was half her age. At times, she serves as his guardian/mother figure; but at some moments (I think it was sometimes after Kaji’s death), she tried to seek comfort with Shinji by attempting to initiate sex (which Shinji rejects). I remember coming across a comment somewhere that Shinji and Misato’s relationship is somewhat like Humbert and Dolores (from Lolita) - can’t comment on this as I only read the first chapter of the book. 

It makes me think that she uses sex as a way to cope and the only way she can connect with people (and it’s superficial), which doesn’t work for Shinji because she needs to be her guardian (and ultimately fails to be purely his guardian once she crossed that no-no boundary). 

Another thing to note was her backstory about her dad. There seems to be a dissonance, given that she resented her dad for not spending time with her due to his work, but he ended up sacrificing her life for her. I do think it’s a bit of guilt (because resenting her dad but he saves her - these two contradicts one another). It’s clear that her issues to connect stems from her backstory regarding her father. 

It’s interesting how she compares Kaji to her father. I do think she loves Kaji, but “reminds him too much of her father” (as to put it simply). There is this... stereotype that we find someone similar to our opposite-gender parents, no matter how shitty they were towards us. I believe that it is because we tend to stick to something that is familiar to us, even if those type of people aren’t good for us (I think to break this cycle is to practise self-awareness and know what is good for us). 

Anyway, Misato is a character that I really liked (as all the characters in Eva) because they highlight Hedgehog’s Dilemma that stemmed from their parental issues. Maybe I have not watched a lot of anime, but female characters with issues with their fathers are not as explored deeply as male characters and their parental issues. A lot of times, female characters (especially in shounen) serves as a romantic interest and yes they can have really sad backstory, but not issues towards their father and how it affects their relationship with other people. So far, the only ones I had seen is Mukuro (Yu Yu Hakusho), Misato and Neon Nostrade. 

7. Disney's Cinderella

First of all, she has been a victim of abuse since she was a child. It's not easy for her to escape her predicament. Where can she go? It's not that easy.

Boy. I hate how much people remember Cinderella wrongly and attack her for being "backwards", which is actually factually wrong.

Cinderella always get flack for using the Prince to "escape" her predicament when "she can do it herself".

I say that's bullshit. I actually came across a youtube video: Cinderella Stop Blaming the Victim [please check it out for more in-depth analysis]

Despite all that, she's doesn't internalize it. She knows she doesn't deserve to be treated this way, and she does to a certain degree stand up to them (whenever the cat makes her tasks harder). She knows when to fight back and restrain herself because it might endanger her life.

After years of suffering in this domestic household, she remains kind, compassionate and hopeful. Which is not an easy feat. The problem is, these traits are often seen as feminine and synonymous with being weak. But it is actually, in fact, signs of strength. The mental fortitude she has to remain kind after all she went through is a sign of strength.

The Fairy Godmother only appeared when she was losing hope - take note that she ends up crying because her stepsisters tore her mother’s dress (which is the most disturbing scene in the film). 

Even I had remembered this wrongly - one crucial fact is that... She did not want to go the ball to nab the Prince. That was her stepsisters. Homegirl just wanted to chill. She did not even know she was dancing with the Prince!

When Lady Tremaine locked her up to prevent her from reaching the Prince, it wasn’t the Prince that saved her. She and her animal friends got her out of the room, and proceeded to prove that she was indeed the maiden that had danced with the Prince. Her marrying the Prince was only a fitting end to her because it provides her a home and an escape from an abusive household; however, it was her resilience for holding onto fate and being mentally strong, and her initiatives partially contributed to her happy end. The Prince is more like a passive character. 

I highly think that people tend to brush her traits - e.g. compassion, having fate, being kind is listed as feminine. However, it is far from being weak, which most people would deem it as. But that is definitely not true. 

“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish can come true.”

8. Mikasa Ackerman from Attack on Titan

Mikasa is either a hit or miss among AOT fans. Some people like Mikasa because she is physically strong and her loyalty to Eren is admirable. On the other hand, some people think she’s clingy and her being physically strong makes her a Mary Sue. 

Whether or not you like Mikasa, there is a fact that she is not a Mary Sue. The definition of a Mary Sue is a female character lacking in weakness and seems perfect. 

She is physically strong, yes - I believe that Isayama wanted to distribute traits to the trio. Even Hannes has said it in S1. Armin represents intellect, Eren represents grit and Mikasa represents strength. So her being physically strong makes sense, and Isayama also provided an explanation for it (being an Ackerman). 

However, this does not mean she lacks any weakness. Arguably, her loyalty to Eren is both a liability and her strength. This “weakness” has been highlighted by her dilemma between her loyalty towards Eren and her belief that mass genocide is wrong.

[I won’t go into details about the manga parts that have not been animated as of 2021, can’t spoil it too much]. 

[beesgav]

Finally getting into 09! since the strategy I used last time seemed to work well, I’m gonna be doing it again. Thoughts on my first reading session under the cut!

- whoof... name overload. I recognize some, like Berix, but a lot of these names I have no attachment to. but I also know that’s standard, even though it breaks the somewhat-consistent pattern of introducing characters in groups of six. I’ll get used to it

- The green fellow might be Gresh? He’s the defacto main of 09 until Mata Nui comes along, right? And his friends, maybe Kiina and an ice fellow I don’t remember the name of. I don’t think this comic even gives their names.

- Malum is here too. Is he an antagonist?

- Oh yeah, this is where the purpose behind divvying up the genders the way they did early on really comes to light. It comes off as backwards to have an element purely relegated to one gender, but it at least means that, because of how prevalent water is as an element, there will always be a female character within the main cast. Once you take that qualifier away, though, it’ll wind up sliding back into all-male teams, as you can see with Berix, Tarix, etc. It happened earlier with Vezok, but it’s really overt now.

- I just know I’m going to be mixing up Metus and Malum because of their names. Even worse because I think Metus is, like, an ice guy?

- i know i shouldn’t be but I’m avoiding using the wiki this go-round

- “Well, let’s see,” said Strakk. “You want to send a fully loaded carriage eastward through the Black Spike Mountains, over the Dark Falls and then through Creep Canyon.” what creative names

- I’m also assuming that Glatorian are to Agori as Toa are to Matoran - the same species, but with a different set of skills/abilities. Or is Glatorian more just a job an Agori can take up? Are they the same species at all?

- “The only Glatorian Strakk had ever really gotten along with was Malum, one of the fighters from Vulcanus. Even after he was exiled from his village for trying to kill Strakk in the arena, Strakk still respected him.” Okay I’m starting to like Strakk.

- Gresh is baby

- I’m not even joking they keep calling him “little one”

- I have to wonder, when does this take place in relation the story happening on Aqua Magna? Like, I would assume it’s somewhat concurrent considering what happens later, and I know it doesn’t really matter, but I have to be curious

- I also have to wonder the lifespan of an Agori/Glatorian, since Strakk seems to directly remember the Shattering, but Gresh is too young to

- “Mountain Strikers were birds of prey whose wingspan could be as wide as five feet.“ That’s not... too terribly large. Like, it’s big, but that’s smaller than a Bald Eagle

- it’s kind of, uh... hamfisted that Tarduk is like “Man, if only we could control the elements we’re associated with! That would be really cool”

- Oh dang, the Matoran language! I wonder if it was used by the GBs/Agori prior to the shattering, or if this cave was legitimately used by the Matoran while they still worked on the planet. That’s pretty cool

- “You ran straight into a Scarabax swarm. That was stupid,” Strakk explained. “Then you fell into a Scarabax swarm. That was also stupid. The sand bat was smarter than you.” Strakk is such an asshole I really like him

- Gresh... dives into a river and immediately knocks himself out cold

- Maybe I’m biased but I like Kiina a lot

- It also looks like we’re finally getting our elemental cast together! Gresh, Kiina, Ackar, and Strakk are all names I vaguely recognize as being important. Shame everyone associated with rock/earth is, uh... allied with the Skrall?

- At least Malum knows how he stands with the Vorox, I guess. I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to like or dislike him, considering he’s being put up against both the heroes and villains, but isn’t a totally despicable dude either

- AND NOW THEYRE FIGHTING A ROBOT SCORPION

- Ackar’s fire-head thing looks dumb

- Malum keeps calling people “old man”  - brushing aside the fact that “man” and “woman” are now terms at play here - how young is Malum supposed to read as? He tells Ackar he’s past his prime, but honestly I was envisioning Ackar and Kiina as being, like, a little older than Gresh but a fair amount younger than Strakk, but I guess Ackar is closer to being Strakk’s age?

- also, for some reason, even though I’ve never seen anything other than promotional stuff for HF, I keep mixing Malum with William Furno in my head

- it’s probably because he has, like, a mouth. with teeth. That’s just weird to me

- oh god TLR is going to be so weird

???????

why does he have a cordak blaster

- this comic also talks about him killing the strongest male, which implies there are also female vorax, and probably baby vorax. I know we’re on a different planet now but it’s still weird to think about Bionicle Babies

BERIX’S FACE

- “As a vehicle pilot in the arena, he was just one more Agori fighter in a world dominated by Glatorian.” Okay, so this implies that they are considered separate

- “This is bad. This is very, very bad,” said Raanu. He looked up at Gelu and waved the map. “Do you know what this is?” “Bad?” offered Gelu. Maaaan why am I loving the ice Glatorian the most haha

- “ Now and then, Malum would start ranting about his treatment by the villagers of Vulcanus. Gelu would give Ackar a look that said, “Are we sure about this guy?” but he already knew the answer was “No.” I like all these assholes

- Thornax are just spiky bula berries. Or i guess it’s the other way around?

- The relationships between the villages are interesting- Even though they’d do much better to be united and oppose the Skrall and Bone Hunters together, the villagers are fractured by war and have this delicate and potentially costly system set up. Tuma uses that to his advantage. weakening Tajun in particular because he knows that the other villagers will take advantage of their weakened state, and won’t help them in danger.

- Oop, here’s the traitor mentioned for the first time. In my wiki-browsing, I’m aware it’s someone, but I don’t quite remember who. I have suspicions, but I’m not gonna look it up

- “ Strakk sat down, propping his feet up on the table. Kiina knocked them off with a swipe of her armored hand. “ That’s rude, Strakk

- “Why doesn’t that fill me with confidence?” Strakk muttered. “You just better hope the Bone Hunters don’t fill you with Thornax,” Kiina said, smiling. “And ruin my good looks?” Strakk replied. “They wouldn’t dare.” HNG I LIKE THEM A LOT

- This year is also a lot more explicit in terms of characters dying. Like, sure, there likely were fatalities amid the Bohrok crises and the Rahkshi attacks, but the story never focused on how many Matoran actually died. The only place its gotten to a similar level was in 06, where there were a lot of deaths among the Zamor-controlled Matoran of Voya Nui. This time, however, it’s actually, like, really clear about how often and how many Agori and Glatorian are dying

- Ackar is, like, the perfect candidate for retirony considering he’s getting old and the only other Glatorian of Vulcanus is an insane wastelander, but considering rising star boy Gresh isn’t even of his tribe I have a feeling he’s gonna be sticking around for a while

- awwww I like the idea of the Glatorian gradually becoming more heroic and altruistic, even if it’s edging more towards idealism than cynicism. That kinda stuff feels very Bionicle to me, where times are incredibly tough, but in the end the heroes manage to scrape by and create the groundwork for a better future.

OH FUCK

so I, uh... think I may need to cut it here. This has to be where the movie starts, yeah? The site that I’m using to read these volumes changed, so now I can’t tell how far I actually am into the story since I’m reading off of a webpage and not a PDF now.

My plan is to watch the movie and then pick up here when I’m done, since I’m honestly so excited to watch it. I grew up with STNG and I just found out Jeff Bennett is also in it and I’m PUMPED.

[pla-teau]

WANDAVISION SERIES FINALE THOUGHTS

WHOEVER’S CUTTING ONIONS NEEDS TO S T O P.

hayward | i was one of the many few who really wished death on the man cause he’s just the worst. this man emptied his clip at two children. i’m glad jimmy was able to pull a fast one on this dick and that darcy hit him with the ice cream truck and very happy to see the man being taken away in cuffs.

vision vs. vision | while i would’ve enjoyed seeing them fight it out until one completely lost, it wouldn’t be vision without some philosophic conversation. it’s true vision fashion. he doesn’t fight unless it’s a last resort. he’s logical and can assess other means in which to deter a foe. truly enjoyed the scene and now i’m just curious as to where tf white vision yeeted off to after regaining the memories from hex!vision? some have speculated possibly wakanda since that is the place where he died. twice. i would love to see him possibly interact with shuri since she would’ve appeared in the memory montage that hex!vision provided him with alongside other events from infinity war.

agatha (aka not mephisto) | overall, i loved agatha as a character and i’m glad she wasn’t killed off by the end of the series. i know she was more villainous in the show but i’m glad they somewhat neutralized her even if it was by cruel punishment brought upon by wanda to keep her trapped in westview as a nosy neighbor. it keeps the door open for us to see more interactions between her and wanda. i’m also glad that she was the foe wanda had to go against. i know many (like myself) speculated mephisto would appear and be revealed but i’m happy i was wrong about that. this is the first entry into phase four and to spill out a big bad right away? probably not the best move. i know ant-man 3 is planning on introducing kang the conqueror so i wouldn’t be shocked if mephisto is used as a red herring to distract us from the actual big bad of the phase, kang the conqueror (while still keeping mephisto around obviously for future battles and possibly use him as a big bad down the road).

family is forever | i was sobbing when seeing the hex start shrinking down in the distance outside the boys’ window. i love that wanda and vision made the move to put them to bed as a way of saying goodbye so they wouldn’t have to see them disappear. i hope to see these same boys come back cause i think no matter what your theory was on them, viewers fell in love with them. if planning for young avengers, i cannot wait to see them be a part of it. given that these boys weren’t real and not actually wanda’s children, i think they’ll go the route that they’ll find each other even if not as a blood related family but reincarnations that know that wanda was their mother in one instance and see her as a mother figure (alongside their actual mothers, of course). i just love them and i really wish they stuck around but i know this won’t be the last time we see them!

wanda’s outfit | i love it and i think pays homage to her comic book costume while still fitting the aesthetic of wanda and the mcu. love the attention to detail and the pattern on her headpiece. someone on here also pointed out in a post how it resembles magneto’s suit and it makes me love it more because of that. in conclusion, this is the scarlet witch and she’s hot.

wanda and vision’s farewell | if i was sobbing at billy and tommy’s fate, i was wailing by the time these two started saying goodbye. we learn that the main reason vision was able to be created the way he was by wanda was because of the mind stone. while she is the scarlet witch, she was exposed to and enhanced by the mind stone that ended up becoming vision. like she said, it’s a part of her. he lives on in her and overall, this scene just cemented that these two are meant to be together. they are going to be that power couple in the mcu moving forward, together or apart. we know these two are meant for each other and have so much love for each other and will find their way back always. while they may change, the one thing you can bet your ass on is that they fucking love each other.

ralph bohner | the twist that no one saw coming - peter is ralph. it’s clear that he was being controlled by agatha because the moment monica took off the necklace, he woke up from her spell. a lot of people are swirling around to say that he’s probably woo’s missing person. we don’t know that and it’s something that’s left unconfirmed. while i would’ve enjoyed the reveal to be peter actually being peter from the x-men universe, i’m also happy he isn’t. yes there was a lot of fanfare and hope for this series to introduce the multiverse but in retrospect, it would’ve been too much to throw at us at the beginning of phase four. throwing in the multiverse right away would’ve taken away from the series being about wanda (separate point i’ll get to at the end). do hope to see evan peters in a future mcu project, though!

wanda’s story moving forward | i hope wanda becomes a sort of anti-hero for the future. this does set up her appearance in doctor strange 2 and i can’t wait to see what she does. while agatha said she’s destined to destroy the world and her power exceeds the sorcerer supreme’s, i hope the writers don’t make wanda into this villain that loses her logic because of extreme power. wanda has proven agatha wrong already by acknowledging the error in her ways. when she realized she was hurting the people of westview, she let them go and stopped hurting them. she learned that yes, she is hurting them without knowing so what she has to do is let them go. wanda has learned throughout her years with the avengers the consequences her powers can have on people. we know she’s never been trained by a witch and yes, that makes her dangerous with her chaos magic. the second post credit scene shows us that she’s determined to teach herself even if it’s through the darkhold. in seeing what she’s done and the power she holds, i think wanda will be this gray moral character. she holds a great deal of power, the most powerful being on the planet at the moment, and that can cloud her judgement at times. despite being an avenger, this show has really shown us that wanda is alone. while she was with the avengers, what have they really done? they kept her in check and helped her utilize her powers for good but then when civil war happened, she was detained and treated like a weapon of mass destruction. the avengers are clearly nonexistent and those that are around, haven’t bothered with her. i also hope that this new phase of marvel kinda tears down the original avengers and their actions because while intentions were good, not everything or everyone was perfect and there’s consequences. and i hope those consequences are shown through the main characters of this phase like wanda.

the complaints | while i loved this show so so much, i did have some issues. while i enjoyed that this show fleshed out more of wanda’s past, i’m sad that they didn’t confirm or at least try to make wanda jewish since they completely erased her romani roots from the comics. this goes back to my whole thing with representation which i’ve mentioned before in response to an article. while i love elizabeth olsen’s portrayal and care she has for wanda, a romani actress still should’ve been cast from the beginning. the least they could’ve done was at least make her jewish even if ever so subtly because that is the other half of wanda’s identity, even if it’s been retconned often. if they are never going to confirm her as magneto’s daughter in the mcu, at least honor that aspect of her identity if you’ve erased one major one already. representation matters and i wish they tried to do right by the character since they clearly paid close attention to other aspects of her comic book history and took a deep dive into her mental health. come at me for these thoughts but i’ll stand by them. another is just directed at the press for the show (i’m looking at you paul bettany). while fans went ham on the theories and marvel will do anything to misdirect you, i think there should’ve been a clear up from marvel about bettany’s claims of a big cameo coming in the series when it was about himself. i get you don’t want to spoil the show and the big surprises it may hold for the audience but still. i think there should’ve been someone behind the scenes or bettany’s publicist could’ve kinda told him to stop hinting at a super duper big cameo. yes, fans got carried away but i think when you’re doing press for marvel, it should be somewhat common knowledge that fans are going to analyze and try to figure out wtf is gonna happen. it’s fun theorizing, don’t get me wrong but when it’s gone the way it has for this show, i think it leaves a lot of people unsatisfied. i’ll admit i was being a clown thinking i’d see patrick stewart as professor x again since he’s an actor paul’s never worked with before and would be a huge fan service for the audience like in the mandalorian season finale. tldr; crazy fan theories comes with the territory. my final grievance actually has to do with the set up for monica’s engineer. i was also hoping we’d someone big or someone that could be big in the future, possibly it was a skrull at the end but the tone and way monica talked about it, i think it was underwhelming to see a character that we came not to care too much about.

final thoughts | overall, i loved this show and it was refreshing to see marvel embrace the magical side of their universe as it continues to expand. the cast was amazing. everyone in the cast and crew deserve awards because this really gave us a show about wanda. i think a lot of people lost that (including myself) with all the theorizing; goes back to my complaint about press for the show. it gave us a show that dealt with trauma and grief in a way we haven’t seen before in marvel’s cinematic universe. i’ll admit i didn’t care much for wanda as i did with the others but this show made me care for her a lot more and made me a bigger fan of her and vision’s story. it grounded itself in dealing with wanda’s grief and trauma in a new way while also exploring her character more. so i’m happy that we didn’t get a super big cameo or that the multiverse wasn’t confirmed because then the tone and attention would’ve shifted away from this story being about her. i hope marvel can give us shows like this that make us care about a character’s emotions and feelings rather than just how cool and badass they look in a suit. it was clear that the cast and crew made this with such love and care that had good storytelling and kept us on edge every week. i hope that marvel can show us these types of stories and ranges from characters in future movies as well.

[gamewise]

Osomatsu-kun Hachamecha Gekijou Review

(Author’s warning: the following game contains racially insensitive stereotypes. They are not present in these screencaps, and are not the effect of the game’s relatively low score. The game is a product of its time not just on a technical level, but on a cultural level. If you choose to read this review, massive spoiler alert: this is just not a good game, no matter how you slice it.)

In Japan, the Mega Drive debuted in October of 1988 with a whopping two titles available at launch; Space Harrier 2, and Super Thunder Blade. It wouldn’t take long for the humble 16-bit console to get its third title, a licensed game based on the Osomatsu-Kun manga which was about to get a new anime adaptation thanks to its popularity coming back. So you’re probably thinking this is a cheap cash-in title designed to promote the new anime, and I would like to say you’re right, but... actually, no, you’re right. Osomatsu-Kun Hachamecha Gekijou (Little Osomatsu: Nonsensical Theater) is a cheap cash-in that does more harm than good for the Mega Drive.

Before we dive into this game, let’s talk about Osomatsu-Kun itself. Osomatsu-Kun was a hugely popular manga about a group of trouble making sextuplets, who just so happen to all look the same. The manga ran for a whopping seven years back in the 60′s, receiving an anime adaptation at the peak of its popularity in 1966. In 1988, Studio Pierrot would bring forth a new anime adaptation that would see the sextuplets as side characters, with characters Iyami and Chibita, and their misadventures becoming more of the main focus. So seeing the side characters get thrust into the spotlight because they become popular is definitely nothing new, especially when the original manga did the same! So now that we have a new anime adaptation on the way, what are we getting for our video game cash in?

Well... just look at it. I know Japan is notorious for making some pretty surreal stuff, but Osomatsu-Kun Hachamecha Gekijou takes the fucking cake. You play as the oldest of the six brothers, and go on a quest to... uh, you know, I don’t think this game really has much of a story to it. You go through three different stages trying to get from point A to point B while you, armed with a slingshot, take out enemies based on other characters in Osomatsu-Kun, a lot of them being Chibita. And yes, you heard right, this game is only 3 stages long, so it should be quick and easy, right? Well... sit down, this game pads itself out in the worst possible way, and it managed to piss me off.

As you progress through a level, you may think it’s as simple as reaching the end of a stage... it’s not. Remember the infamous maze level in the Japanese Super Mario Bros. 2, or the one in Transformers Comvoy no Nazo? Well, there is a specific route you’re expected to take in this game, and it’s not clear. You’ll play this game going from point A to point B, but once you reach a certain point, the screen will just stop allowing you to move forward. You’ll see yourself before a pit, and think it’s instant death. In this game, it’s not death, it just leads you to a different part of the level. However, the path you need to take is cryptic as hell, and you’ll never know if you’re going the right way. The only way to find out is to take out the correct sub boss. When you do, you’ll see an intermission bumper like you would for anime, and you’ll ask yourself “Wait, am I just going through the first level again?” The answer is partially yes, because remember that point where the screen wouldn’t let you advance? Well, now you will see a platform show up that can take you to a new part of the level, but now you need to find a new path to get to point B. All of this is designed to pad the game’s extraordinarily short length. By short, I mean that if you know your way through all three levels, you can finish this game in about 15 minutes.

(Thank you to the person who put this shit together)

I’d be able to forgive the maze-like structure if the game was any fun to play, but as it stands, this is a painfully generic floaty platformer. By floaty I mean Osomatsu himself defies gravity by being able to float in the air for an extended period of time with his jump. It’s nice to be able to control his jump mid-air, but the weightlessness will more than likely mess up your precision platforming, or you’ll get interrupted by the mere touch of your enemies. Yes, when you take damage, you get stun-locked, and instead of just falling to the ground, you are stun locked mid-air. I could forgive it, but this game is once again, a 30 frames per second game, and almost feels like it’s been slowed-down intentionally. Another issue I take with this game is the difficulty, it’s way too easy. All enemy projectiles can be destroyed with your slingshot, and there’s enough distance between you and the enemy to have a pattern figured out easily. I guess the idea was because your slingshot has such a short range of attack, it would balance things out, but it really doesn’t. You’ll have plenty of lives and health to go up against the boss and sub boss as the game gets fairly generous with health powerups. There are also shops where you can buy some items to guide you with the ribbons you’re collecting along the way, but before you can access that you get the option of playing mini-games to gamble them away. I’d just skip these and go straight to the shop, it’s not like you need these power-ups that much anyway, you can beat this game without them.

On the visual side... this was the worst the Mega Drive had in 1988. Sure, it’s colorful, and the sprites evoke the spirit of the original manga, but this looks like a hold over from the Master System/Mark III, it just doesn’t impress me. Aesthetically, the game is fine for the most part, but eventually you’ll run into a few racial stereotypes for your enemies, and boy are they horribly insensitive. Even knowing this, I pressed on with the game, because I wanted to see if I could take something positive out of it and look past those enemy sprites, and about the only thing I find entertaining is Iyami being all the bosses. So aside from a few bad sprites, I find the graphics were more focused on aesthetics and functionality than pushing technical limitations early. Audio wise this game is just plain awful. There’s an old saying among video game music fans that only Japan could use the Mega Drive’s unique sound setup correctly, but if that’s the case, they’ve never listened to this game’s music. It’s obnoxiously loud, the sound effects are super scratchy, it feels too much like an assault on my ears compared to the sound effects on something like Curse, or even Taz-Mania. Nothing against the compositions themselves, I found two songs to be catchy, but otherwise, nothing stood out for the right reasons. Definitely not a keeper.

At the end of the day, Osomatsu-Kun Hachamecha Gekijou is shovelware of the highest honor. Even if you can endure the game’s painfully easy difficulty, and frustrating level layouts, you are left with a feeling of emptiness by the time you reach the end. This game will not so much break you, but it will leave you feeling empty and depressed as you say to yourself, “that’s it?” I certainly felt empty after playing this. Like I just lost about 20 minutes of my life, and I’ll never get it back. Is there much worse on the Mega Drive? Yes, but considering it was 1988, the console had nowhere to go from here but UP. I wouldn’t even think of recommending this today, even as a curiosity. This is one of those cases where I can say avoid at all costs

Positives

+ Aesthetics mimic the source material perfectly

+ Controls respond

+ The game’s translated subtitle “Nonsensical Theater” perfectly describes everything

Negatives

- Unnecessarily pads its length thanks to a cryptic maze structure

- Unacceptably short

- Insults your skill by being piss easy

- Racial stereotyping may be enough to turn you away

- Designed to cash in on Osomatsu-Kun’s returning popularity in the 80′s

- The game’s translated subtitle “Nonsensical theater” perfectly describes everything

- Audio will hurt your ears

- Unless you need to complete an actual Mega Drive collection... skip it.

- While taking screenshots, I somehow managed to unlock the game’s framerate, indicating that this game was deliberately programmed in assembly to play at 30 frames per second. The floaty mechanics actually handled better under 60 fps, no fucking joke. Do you believe this shit? 

Overall: 2/10

[heartlessconviction]

Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory. Pleasantly surprised however not worth £60

So I’ve beaten Melody of Memory and I’ll be the first to say, it surprises me just how fun this game is. I am not fond of Rhythm games to begin with and as you may already know I am exceedingly critical when it pertains to the KH series as a whole. I think most of the games are flawed in a game design and mechanical standpoint. And I’ll be bold enough to say the series has been getting progressively worse since KH2FM dropped in 2007. Re:Mind redeemed KH3 somewhat yet we are 11 patches in and Guard is still fucking broken so you be the judge there.  There really isn’t much I can say since the gameplay really doesn’t have any level of depth towards it, you hit the notes on time with the beat essentially. You have a melee attack which is placed onto the 2 bumpers and one face button, you need all 3 since at some point you will need to hit notes simultaneously. The most depth you will get is in the Gliding and avoiding attacks, upon the track some heartless will try to hit you and by jumping over these it counts as a beat in any given song, you will also need to utilize the jump since certain heartless can only be hit whilst in the air. At parts in a song you will also need to glide and manouver your character into green notes, but the same basic rule of thumb applies here.  Later in the game you will come across deep dives and boss fights, which force you to also use the analogue stick to hit notes, but at the end of the day you are just tackling a song. The amvs that play are pretty scripted and in these segments they can become extremely distracting as the notes tend to blend in with the video in the background. This only applies to the Deep Dives and the boss fights, but it can become a pain in the arse when you miss a note due to a white flash lingering within the video and it tricks you to press the button a tad early.  In terms of story the game is pretty bareboned, I will say this now. If you are playing this game strictly for the story and you have no interest in the Rhythm game genre. Save yourself 60 dollars, the new story content is held towards the end of the 8 hour campaign, for the rest of it Kairi is pretty much summarizing the events of the Xehanort Saga. Poorly I might add as so much context is stripped away from these summaries. If this is your first KH game, do not go into this expecting to understand the events of the previous Saga. These summaries are designed to pad out game time, they do not serve as passable representations of the last 15 years of the series.  There are far more effecient ways to experience the story as a newcomer via The Story So Far HD Collection Bundle. MoM fails heavily in this regard. {I’m not going to go into depth on the new Story content as this isn’t a spoiler review or anything.} In terms of playable characters you have 4 teams, consisting of 12 characters as a whole. A Sonic Heroes predicament, all of the characters function the same and whatever miniscule difference they have is strictly cosmetic. At some point in a few worlds you will have guest characters with you, but again they function the same.  A disappointing aspect of this Team System is that the Team Members are locked and with no ways to customize them, perhaps mods for the Switch will fix this. However for the base game each member is locked into a particular team, so you are unable to change them around.  For example you cannot put Sora, Roxas and Xion within the same team. I do not understand why this hasn’t been included as timeline plotholes cannot be used as an excuse, as you can face any of the bosses with any of the teams. So you could have Team Days face off against KH1 Ansem. Admitingly its a small omittance since the teams are merely cosmetic. Yet as we know cosmetics whilst insignicant to the gameplay itself does hold merit to a games content and overall value when it pertains to replayability and customizability.  Teams and Team Members:  Team Classic: Sora, Donald and Goofy Team Days: Roxas, Axel and Xion Team 3D: Riku and Dream Eaters Team BBS: Aqua, Ventus and Terra The song selection is something I adore and hate at the same time, you have classics such as:  Sanctuary Simple and Clean The 13th Dialema The other Promise Another Side/Another Story {Deep Dive} Vector To the Heavens Even One-Winged Angel makes an apperance. Yet there is a shocking absence of KH3 representation, you have Let it go and a few other songs. {Around 8 in total}  But considering the fact I actually prefer a lot of the KH3 variations of the songs its disappointing they didn’t make the cut. Especially the masterpieces from the Re:Mind DLC. Above all of that for a lot of the songs they use the original PS2 renditions rather than the remastered variations from the HD remixes which... Why? They are inferior in comparison imo.  Even so, Let it Go in japanese is fire.  As a whole this game surprised me, but I do not think for a second that its worth the 60 quid asking price. Its amazing to have a homage to all of these amazing tunes from the series thus far, nevertheless for the story content whilst it isn’t as halve arsed as Re:Coded. Its not enough to justify the price tag. Rhythm games are not for everybody and that is perfectly fine, people aren’t getting upset because KH has a Rhythm game. They take issue with the fact lore is locked behind the paywall, and yes whilst you can just watch the cutscenes on youtube like most of us do with Union cross and Dark Road, it just isn’t the same experience that you would get from experiencing the cutscenes yourself after a tough challenge. If this game was 30, which I whole heartedly believe it should have been. I would be a tad warmer in my critique.  Unfortunately that isn’t the case, from a gameplay standpoint this is truly a quality product. Its just overpriced, now if they included the KH3 songs and the Re:Mind songs within the base product maybe that would shift my stance, however I have a suspicion they are going to try and milk those for DLC. If not great but it just feels like something Square would do at this point. No Simple and Clean Ray of Hope Mix is not included. Yeah, it baffles me as well.  The conclusion in which I will sign off with is this. Despite my feelings on the games price tag, It has succeded in fundamentally changing the approach in which I listen to music going forth. Upon playing this overtime my brain slowly started to recognize the patterns and began to pick up on the subtle nuances that the majority of these songs contain. Small features of a particular track you wouldn’t even think about on a casual listen can be indispensible in building up to the grander narrative of a song, the slightest of mistakes can cause the melody as a whole to fall flat and this was something I had to come to grips with and adapt to when going for the full chains.  Even now when I listen to songs in my free time, these small details are easier to notice and I feel that I am presented with a whole new experience with some of my favourite Songs. It is like I am truly experiencing them for the first time once more and that is something I will forever attribute to this game. 

[10boys]

MLQC : Smothering

♡ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

*aka , a boobie face dive !

Victor :

-Its only the softest of Victors that will act so shamelessly vulnerable to you

-You’re sitting on his lap with your arms around his neck as his hands caress the soft skin of your exposed thighs. You had a day off and decided to visit him on his lunch break at his office

-A few hours before on a quick phone call asking his permission to visit (he’s a busy guy) his usual sharp tounge was much diluted. He gave quick but vauge reassuring statement that he was just a bit stressed and had a lot on his plate for the week; risky decisions, rocky investments, many many under developed plans, all under the responsibility of himself.

-You know your smart and strong victor will get through it somehow, just like he always does, but thats not always an easy side to see when you’re experiencing it in first person. You just wanted to give him a moment to be vulnerable, relaxed, and securly cared for, something he’s constantly deprived of in his CEO role.

-As you pull his face closer and closer for cuddles , he relaxes his head and leans it into your shoulder. You stroke his hair leaving random kisses whenever you get the urge.

-There isnt much talking, just the two of you appreciateing each others warming presence

-The hand once on your thigh has risen to completely hold you in his arms, locking you in place.

-You take this as an invention to hug him tighter, elongating your body until his head finally falls into the perfect spot

-He lets out a small huff-like chuckle, letting you know he’s onto your shenanigans.

-“Feeling better already i see ?” You giggle into his hair while circling your finger around his ear, tracing patterns down his neck.

-“ ...m..dummy”

-His harsh words are very opposing to his actions. His grip around your waist becomes tighter as he burrows himself deeper into his personal pillow

-The comfort and warmth wraps his mind in pink hearts, allowing him to forget his pressing struggles and stress. Being near you is like a sip of wine to him , sensualizing and god damn intoxicating

-He’ll slowly move his face back and forth, in and out, up and down, until he finally realses a small groan of satisfaction

-Being a accomplice to his healing feels amazing, but the current undivided attention to you and your breast is indescribable

-He’ll stay like that for a while, just pushing and rubbing against you...

-He can’t allow himself to get too wired up at work though , this is only his lunch break after all

-The slight shift in his pants once he feels your nipples begin to harden against his face knocks him out of his trance

-“ahh I can’t do this now”

-He doesn’t move, just turns his head and leasurly lays on them for the remainder of his break

-At home though? Boyyyyyy

-Your low V-neck shirt would have been pulled down immediately to expose yourself to him, breast spilling out resembling a 4 course meal

-Victor prefers his hands to your breasts though, he loves to grope and toy with your nipples. He doesn’t have a good view to watch your reaction to him if hes face-deep

Lucien :

-HE is a looker

-We’re all very familiar with his intense gaze stairing problem

-You’re both sitting upright on opposite sides of the plush floor matt in his reading room, pillows densely outline the edges for support and comfort while you two peacefully enjoy each other’s company

-Well, you were

- Just as you’re turning the page of one of the novels you found laying near by, you see a pair of familiar black pupils from above the pages

-You lower the book to better see the man glaring absolute holes into you. The corners of his lips lift into seemingly innocent smile, the smile that softens his whole face, thins out his eyes, and hides his much more vulgar intentions.

-“Can i help you sir ?” You playfully spat trying to hide the gentle blush creeping onto your cheeks

-Your remark seems to have caught him off guard, but he quickly fixes his face. He lowers his book and gently places it to the side, his thin black-framed glasses following suit.

-“Actually...” his tall thin frame is crawling twords you, you feign resistance, lightly kicking your legs to keep him away. His large strong hands grasp them immediately, keeping them in place long enough for him to slip himself in.

-And now there he is, layed on top of you with his head under the arms thats still holding your book whata attention whore.

-His head rests on your lower stomach hiking up the him of your shirt. You know he’s up to something, but his current good behavior is enough to lower your suspensions for now. Him cuddling onto you while you read is actually very peaceful in itself. He looks comfortable and delicate, so you let him be.

-But that doesn’t last for long

-You can feel his warm breath on your stomach ascented by soft pecks and kisses, leaving trails just beginning to go above your belly button. His hands grab the rim of your shirt pulling it over his head, creating a personal space for just him and the beautiful view underneath

-“Lucien!” You giggle as his kisses gradually travel higher up, getting wetter and more passionate with each contact of skin

-“Hm? Something wrong? I prefer it under here..” and with that, he’s face planted.

-The distractions have your book strown to the side after you’ve long lost interest

-Lucien likes to play.

-He’ll dip his hands in periodically to help with his little experiments, pressing down your nipples to watch them pop back up.

-But mostly, he’ll hold your body from the outside as he helps himself to as much titty as he wants

-He loves the good old-fashion smother. His face absorbed by boob. Since you’re laying down, He’ll use his hands from the outside to push up all the extra boob fat

-Lucien, the actual kitten, will leave nips and bites on the supple flesh inbetween his face-dive sessions. He just absolutely adores the whole act, having someone he loves and admires so vulnerable and exposed to him and his desires makes his heart soft and dick hard

-Is he lightly thrusting his hips against the matt ? The world may never know

-Lucien does this often tho, maybe second in place to kiro

-From daily hugs to cuddle session, he can’t seem to keep to loose himself to his desires.

Gavin :

-Ooooh blushy boy

-You LOVE teasing him, the way he quickly turns his head to redirect his attention when he’s flustered is beyond satisfying, the butterflys you get knowing what you (unintentionally) do to him is :,)

-So the element of surprise is something he hates but you love

-He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, just chillin on his phone waiting for you to finish up whatever you were doing in the other room when BAM

-“Gavin ~ i missed u ~”

-You pull him into a smothering embrace, his face and your chest having an intement moment together

-You hold his head firmly aginst you while softly stroking his hair, letting some fingers down periodically to trace along his ear

-Gavin groans but shows absolutely no signs of resistance probably to hide his blushing face

-His face feels great agaisnt your chest, you begin to move them side to side to create a bit of friction for yourself

-You hear him release a low exhale at the action as you respond with a soft giggle

-Once Gavins done acting all tsundere he finally surrenders, pulling you closer by hugging at your waist, softly shaking his head in your breast

-Shit he may even grip a titty with one hand as he continues to press against the other

-Gavin lives to please you, so its not long after his attention will go to pinching at your nipples and nipping them with his teeth through your shirt

-When you look down to check on him, you meet the gaze of his blushing face and low amber eyes looking up at you and fuck

-Its time to get down to business :)

-Gavin loves to mark you, so sucking his ownership into one of your most delicate and personal places is his specialty

-He also loves to smother while he fucks you or you fuck him

-When he’s close he’ll bury himself in your chest and fuck you like the dirty dog he is ;)

-he nasty

-so shy...but so naSTy...

Kiro:

-Kiro absolutely loves it

-Kiro is just a boob guy in general?

-White tank top + your nipples pressing through = suckle session

-Like lucien, he loves to lay down on top of you and just... play

-Its rare you both have a day off at the same time so you usually spend it having a lazy day together, after all, working is exhausting

-You’re cuddled up on the couch watching your favorite feel-good show together, one of his favorite things to do with you since he gets to use his most favorite pillow

-Actually, Its just you watching the show.

-His arms are wrapped around your body pressing you as close to his face as he possibly can

-“mmmm miss chips is my favorite pillow~”

-“wahhh your boobs are so great”

-We can’t expect this vocalist to be shy about his feelings for you, he’ll spit little praises at you regularly as they come to his mind

-He’ll lay on each one, then in the crevis of your breast so he can push them together to completely surround himself. His hands will get a good grip as he paws and gropes at them

-Can he breath? The world may never know

-He’ll die a happy death tho

-Loves to wiggle his face back and forth and feel the jiggle

-He gives them so much attention you begin to think he might have a boob worshiping thing?? Not that you’d mind ;)

-His face and free boob massage feels absolutely great, his tinted cheeks and wet blue orbs stairing up at you is enough to make the anime steam blow through your head

- *thought bubble* fuck fuck fuck hes so cute...

Sooo if you can’t tell #1 im a cancer and #2 im about to start my period so my boobs are soooo sensitive right now, these scenarios are all i can think about ~ Thank u sm for reading !!! You can comment your thoughts or stance of the accuracy, Check out my other works under the mlqc tag :) -myk

[intjmd]

Types of INTP

As many of you may have noticed, INTPs come in different flavors. Some of my closest friends are INTPs, and I have noticed some differences between them that I have not spotted in other types (ENFPs seem more homogeneous to me, I know a bunch and they have basically the same values, outlooks on life and even similar (or the same) interests). In consequence, I have decided to classify my beloved INTP to see if we can understand this better (or even arrive to the conclusion that some of my friends are mistyped). After thinking for a while, I have decided to keep it simple and describe only two different types or INTPs. I know it’s not enough, but I don’t have all the information that I would need to make an accurate description of other subtypes of INTPs (I think there might be at least another one). Feel free to comment, add or correct anything you may find here. Let’s go.

INTP 1 - AKA Chill INTP :

Looks/vibes:

This INTP looks like the most carefree person alive. Seriously. They are often cute and definitely have their style. Why do they say that INTP have a horrible fashion sense, then? Well, it’s just that their style is not the conventional style. They can be obsessed with certain parts of their bodies (e.g. perfect nails) and completely neglect others. Or they can aspire to look in a certain way (kawaii, really kawaii) that could look inappropriate in someone their age. They don’t care. They dress as they want, ignoring other wishes and advice. And sometimes it works out. 

In general, they look rather sociable and happy. Try approaching them and you may be surprised. Sometimes, Chill looks even dreamy and you can tell they are fantasizing about having a dragon pet or whatever.

Habitat:

They dwell in their rooms and when they go out, they wish they were on their room. This type of INTP has watched more than 50 TV shows this last year, and probably reads a lot of fanfic. Their room is their sanctuary and is often filled with the interests of the owner, packed with action figures, tech, their clothes or maybe some painting that they did years ago and didn’t want to throw out.

Personality and interests:

Chill INTP is curious. He/She/That thing over there is an INTP after all. They remind me of  an ENFP (Ne here) because the way they talk about about their passions and dreams. To put it bluntly: they can’t talk about a single topic for more than five minutes before changing the subject to something different. They do this with a bubbly/excited look and act like everything is possible for them (but then they are “too lazy” for achieving said dreams) (this has literally been said by two of them so it’s not an insult). 

This Chill INTP loves series, fanfics, memes and the Internet as a concept. They have mastered every single shortcut of their computer and act like it’s part of their bodies.

Although Chill INTP looks approachable, they hate small talk and are very shy and private. Above all, they have trouble initiating conversations. If you befriend them, though, they will open up and flood you with an unending stream of ideas.

Academics: Chill is smarter than the average person, but also lazier than the average person. What’s worse, they know that they are smart and sometimes (only with their closest friends) can brag about it. While it’s true that they are bright and have no trouble understanding complex topics (actually the more abstract, the better), they lack motivation and often procrastinate. Sometimes, usually in hight school exams, they are able to successfully wing it and get good grades with almost zero effort. They will still whine a bit after getting an 8 in some subject that they didn’t even read, though. However, this “luck” (talent, actually, it’s raw intelligence plus a little bit of rhetorics and an innocent look) doesn’t last forever.

In the end, no matter how academically talented Chill may be, after missing a thousand classes and studying for maybe ten seconds, Chill fails. Hard. Usually for the first time in University. But it’s not that they can’t do it, it’s just that they don’t want to put in the effort right now. Maybe later.

Personal opinion:

This INTP is reaaaally fun to hang out with (I’m an INTJ, maybe we click because of that). They are witty, punny and can cheer you up with their innocence or random remarks. In addition, they get sarcasm (THANK YOU) and are not afraid of saying something regarded as “insensitive” if it’s true. This Chill INTP can be a bit stubborn, and will not change their behavior even if they admit it’s damaging them. 

Overall, they are nice and don’t ask for much attention.  

P.S: Chill INTP is NOT chill all the time. They can have breakdowns where all of their frustration gets out and they can cry in disappointment because the are not living up to their own standards. The agony disappears after a while, and they come back to their laptop and keep scrolling with a smile on their faces.

INTP 2 - AKA  NERDY INTP:

Looks/vibes:

Nerdy INTP does not care at all about how they look. It’s a practical question, not a fashion contest, and they are going to pick anything as long as it covers the parts of their body that can’t be publicly shown. The plainer, the better, this way they can combine anything in their wardrobes.

Also, this INTP does not look “chill” at all. It’s more like a quiet fragile serenity that could explode anytime. There is a difference there. Chill INTP is very comfortable anywhere, even in the midst of a crowd, they just do their own thing and ignore everyone. Nerdy INTP is watching over you, analyzing your patterns and thinking, always thinking. This INTP is full of anxiety and is shyer than chill INTP. And when they are looking at a wall they are either thinking hard about the wall itself (colour, texture, design) or totally lost inside some theory inside their mind. The thing is that you know that they are questioning things.

Habitat:

Their rooms, but with zero clutter. It’s not minimalism, it’s a prison cell with the occasional coffee machine. They have a laptop, books and a bed, but that’s all. This INTP lives in his head, not on Earth. That’s why they don’t mind going outside, but they do this to think elsewhere, not to be elsewhere. Their heads are a mystery, I would describe them if I could.

Personality and interests:

Nerdy is not merely curious, Nerdy is utterly obsessed with knowledge and the truth. This means that they can research a single topic for like 40 hours nonstop and speak about it too, getting deeper and deeper and finding internal contradictions between the different sources until you (random listener) can no longer know anything. But they really understand it, and it just comes easy for them. They can keep their concentration forever and ever until their body stops working and they get into a random nap. Then they jump to the topic again.

Nerdy likes talking about different subjects. Unlike Chill, once Nerdy chooses ONE topic, he will remain in that area until nothing more can be said (which is approximately never) or until the other person changes the topic. Nerdy also strongly prefers one to one conversations, while Chill can manage up to four/five people at the same time. 

In short, Nerdy seems much more focused and driven than Chill, but they are not natural achievers (#goalz #checklists) like an INTJ. Instead, they seek pure knowledge for the sake of it, to deepen their understanding of the world. They don’t need to change it, they just think that it’s interesting to dive into the most obscure and complex topics and master them. Their thirst is not for power but for wisdom.  

Nerdy is as Internet addicted as Chill but it’s easier to find them looking for papers than watching Netflix on their own. They have three or four series that they love but they are usually complex (picture high fantasy) and the things they read are not the cliché YA novels in which Chill tends to indulge more.

Academics:

If Nerdy has chosen a career that sparks his interests, he will do great in his knowledge field. At least, Nerdy will spend hours and hours reading about this topic and becoming an expert. They will understand EVERYTHING and create a sort of “mind map” in their minds (just a map, then) with concepts and their connections. Nerdy is a bit lazy too, but their curiosity and intellect alone if directed towards the adequate career can take them to the top (or at least they are not whining at the bottom as sometimes Chill does).

Even if both Chill and Nerdy feel incompetent, Chill actually puts 3/10 effort and ends up getting a 5. Nerdy studies a lot (maybe not the most important things, they will probably get lost in the interesting bits) and try to do their best. Even if their results are great, they will feel as if they had failed because they are too perfectionistic. 

To sum up, they work harder and get more results than Chill, but also set higher standards for themselves, which leads them to often overexert themselves and have higher levels of anxiety. This is why they do nOT look so chill.

Personal opinion:

For me, Nerdy feels like a caffeinated, stronger, sharper version of Chill. Maybe a little more hopeless and cynic, maybe more concerned with astrophysics than the newest One Piece episode. If Chill was fun, Nerdy is a hundred times funnier. However, Nerdy is also incapable of small talk (Chill knows how to, he just doesn’t want to do it and tries to avoid it) and has more trouble meeting new people. This INTP is only capable of speaking logically, and will destroy you incoherent arguments in seconds (yeah, every conversation feels like a debate). If you show any weakness, they will show no mercy.  This side of them can bore or get tiresome for the more dictatorial (Nerdy will call out your bullshit, authority means nothing), harmony loving (debates are just debates, no feelings involved) (however, if you think that disagreeing equals hating each other, you are so fucked here) or happy-go-lucky (”Don’t think and be happy”) types. 

If you are not ready to do some mental exercise, then leave alone Nerdy and go back to Instagram. If you go, try to chatter with Nerdy and then disregard all his ideas/hypothesis/arguments and it gets upset, you are a mere asshole. I actually love Nerdy INTP and think that his brain should be protected as World Heritage.

Things both (I think all INTP) subtypes have in common:

Curiosity about the most random things.

They hate small talk and initiating conversations.

They are so much fun for an INTJ.

They can be very insensitive when talking to other people (not a big bother for an NT)

All energy is redirected to their heads, their bodies are nOT fully operative.

They are always up for: COFFEEE, films or going to a new restaurant. 

People love them and they don’t want to admit it.

They feel different but never complain about it (and never flaunt it as a virtue).

They have meltdowns and they saw them coming.

They love the Internet.

Kinky. Very specific kinks and you can’t kinkshame them. It’s better to join them.

They look innocent, like sweet cinnamon rolls but they are not.

P.S:

Maybe these two types are not well described and some of you think that Chill is just more well, relaxed Nerdy. Or that Nerdy has more willpower than Chill. I don’t know. I honestly think that both have different manifestations of the INTP functions and they are true INTP regardless of their differences. I also think that both are fun, smart and can become great friends. 

P.S2:

@intp-the-thinker​ @intpmd this is for both of you, feel free to abort this unborn theory/hypothesis.

[vendettacanons]

Some Fun Facts About Antony

// Because I did a bit of research to develop him a bit more after that IMDB discovery and then kept writing-

It’s not made clear exactly what rank Antony holds in relation to others in the Legion but I have a deduction based off of some research, Caesar based his empire off of Rome. Antony is a reference to Marc Antony- Caesar’s Master of the Horse. Despite the title, according to my research, his actual rank was leader of the Roman Calvary and his rank would have been comparable to or directly below Brutus- you know, Caesar’s military leader.

Carrying that over into Caesar’s Legion, if Caesar is, well, Caesar, then that would make Legate Lanius his equivalent of Brutus (seeing as Lanius is next in line to be crowned and also at the head of seemingly all military operations under Caesar). And since Marc Antony was head of the cavalry and therefore just below Brutus, and Legion Antony is a direct emulation of him, that would mean he’s directly beneath Lanius in rank.

Looking at the Legion’s hierarchy those directly below the Legate are the Praetorians, which I personally put in a class of their own with Caesar since they’re basically his bodyguards. However, as we see with Lucius, they do have their own specialties. Theoretically, this means that Antony could be a Praetorian. The only problem is, Praetorians specialize and fight in hand to hand combat only. And Antony does have a gun and a machete in his inventory (additionally he’s wearing Veteran Legionary armor).

So really, it seems like it boils down to Antony being the same rank as one of Caesar’s Frumentarii. He is not a Frumentarii, but he has equal standing with them on account of being in charge of the cavalry, and he answers only to Lanius, Caesar, and the Praetorians really.

Going off of that, and basing it off of historical references, this means that theoretically, if Lanius was killed as Caesar Antony could become Caesar. Let that sink in.

For someone who works with dogs all day and does hard labor training them, Antony’s remarkably very clean. He bathes fairly often and stays fresh as he can. The tent where he sleeps and works the rest of the day is... less so. It’s not terrible nor is it unbearable (for most people in the Legion at least), but it’s definitely not as well-kept as he is. Thanks, Lupa.

I mentioned previously that Antony does have a machete and gun on him that he can use but in my portrayal, he doesn’t nearly use it as much as he could. Nah, Antony would rather wrestle someone to the ground and choke them out or fist fight someone to the death if he has the chance. Hell, this man will bite you if you get close enough to him.

Antony, much like Lanius, has no love for the Legion, and his opinions of it are overall very mixed but predominantly very negative. He has a begrudging type of respect for Caesar and what he’s built. He also respects the people that follow him so blindly for their loyalty and their dedication. But in all actuality, Antony does not like Caesar, doesn’t truly believe in his cause, and indeed he wouldn’t stay loyal to him if it weren’t for one thing: Lanius. He despises and is terrified of Lanius. Everything he does for the Legion, he does because he’s scared of having Lanius thrown upon him as a punishment. He’s seen first-hand what the Legate is capable of. He’s witnessed and experienced his callous cruelty and it is something that he fears with every fiber of his being.

Which is why when Caesar dies, if Lanius takes over he’s defecting. Caesar is the only reason Lanius has not obliterated him completely, and even now when he thinks Antony’s dogs do a poor job, he’ll have his men throw them into flames live for their failures and make sure word gets back to him out of spite. (And yes, Antony can, has, and will silently cry himself to sleep every time he hears that news bc fuck Lanius, those things are his spirit animals.)

Antony has a weird push-and-pull relationship with fire. Campfires and matches don’t bother him. In fact, he actually finds controlled flames very interesting and mesmerizing to watch and will easily become distracted by light sources in the distance (especially in the dark) because he’s become so sensitive to them. But larger uncontrolled flames terrify him. Wildfires or the kinds of scorched earth-style fires Lanius sets to try and erase things from the earth are just so scary to him. He doesn’t know why.

If Antony does not like something and it’s too close to him, he will bite it or smack at it. And not just regularly open palm smacks either. He curves his fingers so his nails are out and will actually claw at the thing bothering him and break flesh because his nails are surprisingly tough and catch flesh easily.

Antony gets a lot of looks and a lot of whispers about him for being so much more focused on his dogs than his comrades at times. He doesn’t really care what people say to him or about him. Now saying something about his hounds will draw more of a reaction.

If you think Antony spins around three times before laying down, you’re not entirely wrong. He actually checks everything in his tent three times before laying down.

Antony has a very sharp sense of direction. He’s very good at memorizing certain landmarks to indicate where he’s at. He only needs to pass through an area once to commit it to memory.

Likewise he’s also good at remembering names and faces. He has a habit of studying people’s traits and features and has an easy time putting names to their quirks. On more than one occasion, he’s found himself identifying the bodies of his comrades that either no one else can name or no one else can recognize for varying reasons.

Antony’s not the strongest swimmer but he makes up for it by being able to hold his breath longer than most. He can doggy-paddle and dive very well. It’s the coming back to the surface part that he has yet to master. Luckily, he’s learned that if he just holds still the air in his lungs will eventually cause him to float up to the surface.

He’s not great at climbing either. Lacks the balance and grip for it. Plus he get nauseated from being up high. He’s fine so long as he doesn’t look straight down. The problem is, Antony often gives into the temptation to look straight down.

Honestly, Antony is probably best on foot. He might not be as meaty as some of the other Legionaries, but he’s still a tough little bastard and his size gives him a remarkable advantage for being fast and agile. It’s harder to land a hit on him than you think, and even if you do, he tends to shrug it off and keep going. That’s not to mention Antony is hard to sneak up on.

Antony is a very alert person. Don’t let his odd demeanor or tendency to linger alone fool you. Tying into his memory, Antony has a habit of looking over his surroundings often. He counts the number of people around him and makes notes often of where they are. He also takes note of where things are (weapons or vantage points in particular), where sounds are coming from, and what is making them. He’ll notice if someone disappears or something suddenly starts or stops very quickly. The drawback to this is that his focus is immediately broken when he does... well, anything. And it kind of shows in conversation when he is not paying all of his attention. It’ll seem like he’s unfocused or spacing out. Luckily this is rare, as he was raised with some respect.

Whatever Antony doesn’t detect, Lupa and his dogs will.

Antony carries on some of the practices of his tribe in a secret. The Legion may boast that they assimilated him, but he refuses to let Caesar erase the Hangdogs completely. Especially because his old practices are something he clings to for comfort and security, just as much as he does his dogs.

Another cool thing about Antony is his ability to track things. Like seriously, this man could track a stray nightstalker pup across the Mojave. It’s not just because of his hounds either- Antony is great at picking up on tracks and footprints, determining how long they’ve been there, and following them. He can do it for days. He’d make a good Frumentarii for the fact that he can just go for weeks at a time tracking and following something undetected, studying its patterns and habits, and strategizing where the best opportunity to strike will arise. It’s because a part of the Hangdogs tradition was knowing how to hunt for yourself and survive on your own. If you could do that, then your dog would only make you more powerful. (They wanted you to have a symbiotic relationship with your sacred hound, not be completely dependent on it.)

For someone so good at keeping tabs on things and tracking things and being fairly decent in combat, you’d really think Antony is a well-rounded Legion soldier. But you’d be wrong. This man cashed out on luck and is only subpar on intellect. He’s only average intelligence but with how clumsy and ditzy he can be sometimes, it’ll leave you wondering if that’s the truth. And sometimes the things that come out of his mouth or the way he phrases them makes it hard to believe his Charisma is anything above a 2 (in actuality its a 5 but he hardly talks like it so-).

Antony is more emotional than most men of the Legion. He tends to think with his heart rather than his head sometimes (see: predominantly) and speaks out based on how he feels rather than what’s logical without saying it. (Ex: if something seems unfair or makes him angry, he’ll convey that without actually saying that he’s upset and simply try to intervene.) It also drives him to be a bit more interactive with others, especially if they’re distressed. His lack of experience leaves him a bit awkward about it, but he’ll do his best to comfort people and is actually pretty good at it.

Likewise, Antony’s strong emotions and quick-to-judge nature cause him to develop equally strong opinions of people fairly quickly. For example, he quickly began hating Lanius.

Antony has a tendency to throw his weight when he sits or lays down. Just a full body flop.

Antony doesn’t like having his hair touch unless it’s by someone he cares about. In which case, he loves having his hair touched. He loves being touched in general. He’s touch starved and very physically affectionate. He’s also big on giving gifts.

Antony knows how to carve wood and is fairly good at sculpting. He never gets to do it though.

He’s also fairly good at tanning, smithing, and sewing, and prefers to repair his own armor when it gets damaged. (And yes, he has tried making armor for his dogs.)

Antony has several tics that he does. He bounces his leg, taps his foot, curls and uncurls his fingers, cracks his knuckles and his neck a lot, taps his cheek or chin with his fingers, bites his nails, and tends to pace a lot. It’s not just when he’s nervous either. He just happens to do it a lot. Mans has too much energy.

Antony loves food. He knows how to cook a lot of things from his old tribe and cooks for himself mostly. Bring him ingredients and ask him to make you something new and he will love you forever.

Tying into that, Antony always has food and drink on him. Always. Like it is astonishing the ways in which he stores food and how much of it he can carry on him at a given time without anyone even knowing. It’s not like he has a super huge appetite either. Antony easily survives on just one or two meals a day.

Antony does have a regiment he follows in terms of walking his dogs. He wakes up early to go for walks out in the desert, gives them a small breakfast, trains the whole day, breaks for a walk or two, goes for one long walk by the river to drink and then take them out into the desert again, then returns them to the camp. He savors it too. He doesn’t like the feeling of being cooped up for too long. He prefers to be outside more.

Antony has a soft spot for children. So do his dogs.

Antony never took any slaves. He, like many who were brought into the Legion, could not bear the thought of taking any slave knowing that they could be one of his sisters or brothers. 

He might not seem like he ever runs out of energy but he does, and when the batteries are finally empty, Antony crashes. Hard.

For someone so tough and so brutish, Antony sure is good at giving puppy eyes.

Antony has jokes. Lots of them. They’re mostly stupid puns. And pranks if he feels close enough with someone.

[lochsides]

folklore: Track-by-Track review

As I’m writing this, folklore has been on repeat all day long. I’ve been trying to build a relationship with the songs, interpret lyrics and listen in on all the intricacies of the production. If ever Taylor wrote a sonically cohesive album, this is it. The songs flow in and out of each other seamlessly. folklore is emotive, nostalgia-coated, and complex. The storytelling on this album is brilliant. I've always wanted her to write conceptually and the fact that she created this whole world with characters and history is indicative of her talent as a storyteller. This is where she excels. I’m already so in love with this album and I'm certain my affection for it will only grow - I didn’t know how much I needed all that this album is. folklore evokes a sense of comfort within me, like wearing your favourite old cardigan. This project is the best Taylor has ever written.

I've added my song reviews below the cut, for those of you interested. Currently, my favourite tracks are august, exile, the last great american dynasty, cardigan, my tears ricochet, and this is me trying.

the 1 is the perfect entry point to folklore. The tone of the song is natural progression from Lover. This song is nostalgia wearing rose-coloured glasses. The effortlessness production enhances the romanticism of the lyrics. the 1 is one of those songs that's really easy for the listener to insert themselves into. “You know the greatest loves of all time are over now” is one my most favourite lyrics on the album. I also love the chorus line of “we were something, don’t you think so? / In my defence, I have none...”

cardigan was the perfect choice for a lead single. It's one of the catchiest songs on folklore while being one of the most folksy songs too. The drum at the start sets a dark tone to the song, which is verified by her vocals and production. I love the "I knew you" pre-choruses. The one following directly from the bridge is my favourite part of the whole song and the sole reason for this song being in my top 5. There is so much complexity and emotion to that part, both lyrically and production-wise.

the last great american dynasty is first and foremost such a dramatic title, I love it, but it’s fittingly dramatic for the story she’s telling. This is what I meant earlier about creating a world with characters and history. She wrote a song about the previous owners of her Rhode Island house. For all intents and purposes, this song is folklore. It’s whispers and gossip about the widow who “had a marvelous time ruining everything” - genius lyric, by the way. The production on this track is builds around the story. 

exile is one of my absolute favourites, I love this song so much. The first note I made about exile is how much it reminds me of The Last Time with the whole two sides to one story thing. Bon Iver sounds so good with Taylor. I love their back-and-forth throughout the bridge. Their overlapping vocals works for the song and the entire production of this song is perfection. 

my tears ricochet was a song that really hit me square across the chest. I’ve put a trigger warning in the tags but if abuse is a sensitive topic for you, skip ahead to the next track. This song was hard for me to listen to because I could relate it back to an abusive situation I was in. “Even on my worst days, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me” physically hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I really really love this song. It’s in my top 5 because of how accurately she portrayed all the emotions I felt back then. The background vocals give it a haunting sound and the drum kicking in on the bridge really pushes the emotion. My favourite lyric on this song is “... you would still miss me in your bones / and I still talk to you when I’m screaming at the sky.” 

mirrorball makes me think of dancing in a bar with a lover. This is my type of dance music. None of that EDM shit, I want to sway to a live band in an airy melody. Lyrically, this song has a bit to unpack. “I’m a mirrorball, I’ll show every version of yourself tonight/ I can change everything about me to fit in” is actually really relatable for me. I’m a reflection of whoever I’m with/ speaking to. I become what they need me to be. It may be people-pleasing but it’s real. 

seven is childhood whimsy and nostalgia in a song. I found the high vocals on the verses and lower vocals on the chorus to be an interesting choice, one that Taylor doesn’t often make. I love the honesty of the line “before I learned civility I used to scream, ferociously, any time I wanted.” Hey, let’s do that again. Children are unfiltered.

august is my song. The nostalgia, the storytelling, the production, the summer almost-lovers trope! I also love that she did that thing she does with bridges on a song and repetition through the end. What is it with her and doing that and mentioning cars (see Getaway Car and Cruel Summer). I have a theory that this song relates to betty and it’s from the point of view from the other woman because of the lyric “remember when I pulled up and said ‘get in the car’...” and “she said ‘James, get in, let’s drive’...” in betty.

this is me trying is the song I’ve listened to the most. The whole concept of regrets and this sinking sensation of not being good enough and trying tirelessly to be is something I think everyone can relate to. The whole second verse was a call out and hit a little too close to home, particularly the line “I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere.” I love her vocals on “at least I’m trying” and the strings! I can see this becoming my number 1 in the days to come.

illicit affairs has a really relaxing guitar pattern to it, which stood out to me because of the starting, but the part of this song that hooked me was the bridge. The production of the bridge shakes up the song and keeps it from being monotonous and the lyrics are amazing. I love the line “look at this godforsaken mess that you made, you showed me colours you know I can’t see with anyone else.” It’s a frustration common to the end of any relationship, romantic or platonic. There’s a level of comfort and understanding of each other that you’ve established and you won’t be able to find that exact thing with anyone else. The length of this song is perfect, in my opinion. Any longer and I would’ve been bored.

invisible string is the soulmate trope in a song. The production is so clean and I love the guitar and the string towards the end. “Time, mystical time, cutting me open and healing me fine” is my favourite lyric on this track. I also like “... string that pulled me out of all the wrong arms and into that dive bar” because of the Delicate connotations.

mad woman has one of the most clever lyrics on the entire record; “women like hunting witches too, doing your dirtiest work for you” as a metaphor for internalised misogyny and how the patriarchy pits women against each other is fucking brilliant. I am not often so interested in the production of a song that all my notes are production-based. Everything from the minor chords on the piano to the beat pattern to the low vocals make for a chilling, suspenseful atmosphere. Aaron Dessner did that.

epiphany, although beautiful, was a bit slow for my liking. I love the part “with you I serve, with you I fall down / watch you breathe in, watch you breathing out” and the orchestral production. The elongated notes give it a really dreamy feeling, which was probably intentional as it’s about finding some peace / making sense of traumas in your dreams. 

betty is a song that I can picture as I’m listening to it, which is a mark of great storytelling. The first note I have written for this song is harmonica in all caps with 4 exclamation points. I mean you can’t call your album folklore and have no harmonica. This song reminds me of old country Taylor and I’ve missed it. 

peace is another song that felt a bit slow for me and the simplicity of the production, while very soothing, makes it feel lullaby-ish and sleepy. That was probably the intention, to make the listener feel peaceful listening to it. There are a lot of great lyrical moments on peace. The way she describes their closeness and her devotion through familial themes: "... give you a child" and "family that I chose / I see your brother as my brother." My personal favourite is the line "I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come." It's very poetic.

hoax is your classic piano ballad and it's beautifully sad. "You knew it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart but what you did was just as dark" carries pain. I also love the line "don't want no other shade of blue but you / no other sadness in the world would do". I like this song as a closer, though I'm curious as to why she chose it. I think the production fits with the vibe of folklore.

[walkerismychoice]

Giving In (Bryce X MC)

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Dr. Bryce Lahela X MC (Dr. Charlie Hawkins)

Rating: 18+/Erotica

Summary: Charlie thinks she just wants to be friends with benefits but Bryce wants more. Will Charlie give in?

Word Count: 2019

Charlie feels a hand slip into the back pocket of her scrub pants and give her a squeeze as she stands at the nurses station reading through charts. She turns to see who it is, but she already knows. "Dr. Lahela, I'm not sure that's appropriate workplace behavior. I may need to have a chat with HR."

Bryce scans the area and drops his voice low. "Make sure to tell them about the time you jumped me in the supply closet on our first day, and when we made and while spying on Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Banerji, and-"

"Shh!" Charlie presses a finger to his lips. "I suppose I walked right into that, but now you are making me wish I had time to sneak away with you to violate the employee code of conduct again."

Bryce shakes his head. "Dr. Hawkins, I'm beginning to think you only want me for my body."

"Can you blame me?" Her gaze sweeps over him from head to toe. Even in his hospital issued surgical scrubs, he always seems to look like some hot model who stepped off the pages of a surfing magazine.

Bryce's face falls momentarily before his ever present smile reappears. "Let's go out, Charlie. On a real date."

They haven’t discussed the terms, but this is supposed to just be a casual thing, at least as far as Charlie is concerned. "It's not like we haven't ever. We saw that band the one time and then hung out at my housewarming party."

"The party doesn't really count," Bryce argues.

"I let you sleep in my bed!" Which Charlie worried in the morning had been a mistake. Sleepovers are a couple-y thing and they are not a couple. 

Bryce shakes his head. “So back to the issue at hand, how does tomorrow night sound. You are off, right?”

“Actually, I picked up a shift for Landry, and I’m just super busy this week, but maybe tonight after our shifts I could come over to your place.” It would be easier to just leave his place than to have to kick Bryce out of hers.

“But it will be midnight by the time we get back. That doesn’t leave any time for any date-like activities.” Just then Bryce’s pager buzzes and he checks the screen. “I gotta run, but we’ll continue this discussion later.”

~~~~~

Charlie makes her way to the staff locker room after an extra long shift once again. It’s quiet at this off time as most of the outgoing shift has gone home and the night shift is already out on the floor, so she’s quite surprised to find a freshly showered Bryce inside, standing in his underwear.

“I’m getting a sense of deja vu here.” Charlie takes off her scrub top and moves to close the space between them. Up close she can tell that even the smell of his shampoo is reminiscent of the beach.

Bryce braces her hips, keeping a short distance between them. “Are you trying to seduce me so I’ll forget about our earlier conversation? Sorry, Charlie, but you are going to have to wine and dine me first if you want me to put out.”

Charlie chuckles. “When did you become such a prude?”

“Since I’ve noticed you keep trying to shut me out. The sex is great, incredible really, but I want to get to know you better. And I want you to like me for more than just my hands, and my mouth, and my-” Bryce shifts his eyes down towards the bulge in his boxer briefs.

“Oh, Bryce...” Charlie slides her arms around his waist and pulls him as close as he allows. “I like all of you.” She does, this isn’t a lie, but it’s also what scares her so much.

“Then show me. I’ll even meet you halfway and keep it simple. You can come by my place, get some takeout for dinner, watch a movie, talk...” Bryce waits eagerly for a reply. 

“Well that doesn’t sound terrible, and I do get off at 7 tomorrow.”

“It’s a date!” Bryce flashes a big toothy grin. Charlie backs him up against the lockers and kisses him deeply. Bryce reciprocates briefly before pushing her away. “Save it for tomorrow.”

~~~~~

Charlie arrives at Bryce’s place shortly after 8pm. It’s an older building but well maintained and his decor is not far off from what she would have expected - simple, modern, dark colors. She's always caught of guard when she sees him in anything outside of his hospital attire, and she’s really liking the patterned light gray button-down and slim-fitting dark jeans on him. She watches his eyes roam over her juniper green belted shirt dress down to her tan booties and lets out a low whistle. “You look hot, Charlie.”

She smiles but waves him off. “You always say that.” She will admit her dress looks good on and she wore that color because she knows it brings out the green in her eyes.

“That’s because it’s always true.” Bryce kisses her on the cheek.

"Well, same to you. Even in your hospital issued scrubs.” Charlie takes in the scenery in more detail while Bryce takes her bag and sets it off the side. She notices the small kitchen table already set up with plates of sushi and wine glasses.

Bryce pulls out a chair for her. "Have a seat," he instructs before retrieving a bottle of white wine from the refrigerator. "I don't know much about wine, but they said this riesling pairs well with sushi."

"Riesling is one of my favorites, and I Iove sushi." She takes a sip of the crisp, fruity wine after Bryce pours her a glass. "Mmm. It's perfect." They chat about their days as they eat and work their way towards deeper conversation. 

“I have a very serious and important question for you,” Bryce announces.

“Okay...” Charlie nervously fiddles with the napkin on her lap. 

“Cat or dog person?”

Charlie lets a laugh but thoughtfully considers her answer. “I like cats well enough, but I’m definitely a dog person.”

“Whew!” Bryce pretends to wipe sweat of his brow. ”If you would have said you hated dogs, it would have been a deal breaker.” His tone is serious but there’s a hint of a smile on his lips.

“So a dog is a requirement of yours?” How is he tricking her into talking about the future?

“I know my schedule doesn’t allow for me to have the time for one now,” Bryce laments, “but eventually, yes. I always had dogs growing up.”

“Me, too! My parents still have our beagle, Max we got when I was in high school. I kind of miss being jumped up on with slobbery kisses every time I come home.”

“I could make that happen for you.”

Charlie rolls her eyes. “Very funny, Bryce. Maybe that’s why your ex called you a golden retriever.”

“Ouch,” Bryce crosses his hands over his heart. “Moving on. Ready to watch a movie?”

They settle the couch and Bryce makes a selection. “Is this okay?”

“A Star is Born,” Charlie observed. “Interesting choice.”

“Did you see Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga at the Oscars? Their chemistry was on fire. I want to see what that’s all about.”

“You are full of surprises, Bryce. I wouldn’t have pegged you for the type to watch the Oscars.”

“Oh, I didn’t,” Bryce admits. “I just saw it trending on Twitter."

"Wait!" Charlie picks up her phone and opens up Twitter. "Don't tell me your profile picture is you in your scrubs and a surgical cap." She types in "Dr. Lahela" because she can picture the whole setup and sure enough, the first thing that pops up is his picture just as she described. "You have quite a following Dr. Lahela." She scrolls down and reads some comments on his posts. "Dr. Sexy...You can operate on me any day...Woah, I'm not reading that one out loud."

Bryce grabs her phone and hides it behind one of the couch pillows. "And what about you? Probably too cool for Twitter and would rather go for the artsy aesthetic if Instagram. I bet you have something like a photo of a pretty sunset you took on vacation as your profile picture and a private account so you can be selective who you let in." He appears to type a couple different names to try before he pulls up a private account and flips the screen to show her. "Am I right?"

Charlie instantly recognizes the photo from her trip to Costa Rica. "You were so far off. It's a waterfall, not a sunset. She swipes the phone out of his hand and tosses it on a nearby chair."

"Hey, I was going to request to follow you, Charlotte!"

Charlie raises an eyebrow. “Bold of you to assume I would accept your request.” She dives to retrieve her phone behind Bryce’s back but he grabs her wrists before she can get there.

“You don’t need that anymore tonight.”

“What if the hospital calls?”

“Is your ringer on?” Bryce asks and she nods in response. “Then you don’t need to worry about it. She’s hovering over him and he relaxes his hold so she sinks further onto him, their lips not far apart. “Kiss me, Charlie.”

“What about the movie?” It’s the last thing on her mind right now, but it was his idea.

“You and I both know we would have made it 15-20 minutes tops before we got to this point. No need to delay the inevitable any further, but I do have one condition.” The way he’s looking at her, she knows you won’t be able to say no. “You’re going to stay the night with me, and I’m going to make you breakfast in the morning.”

“You drive a hard bargain, Dr. Lahela.” She leans in and kisses him slow and deep as he releases his grip to untie her belt. The work at removing each other’s clothes piece by piece with kisses in between. “What now?”

“I want you to fuck me, just like this.” Bryce hands her a foil packet and she unrolls it onto his hard length. Straddling his hips, she guides him into her, lowering herself unhurriedly so she can feel every inch. “Fuck you’re so wet, Charlie.”

Bryce reaches up and caresses her breasts as she rides him. He circles her nipples with his thumbs and then tweaks them just hard enough, sending and intense jolt of pleasure straight to her core. She presses her palms against the hard planes of his sculpted, adjusted her angle so her clit is rubbing against him and he’s filling her completely. “Oh my god, Bryce, you feel so good.”

“You’re fucking incredible, Charlie.” Bryce rises to meet her lips and lies back down as she moves atop him faster and faster, pressure building until her dam’s about to burst

Bryce bucks his hip,moving in time with her and suddenly she’s seeing stars as her walls pulse around his cock. “Oh fuck, yes!” she cries out as feeling of euphoria washes over her.

Bryce grabs her ass and pulls her against him as he thrusts up into her. “Fuck me harder, Charlie. I’m so close.” She does as instructed and not long after he lets out a strangled moan as he cums inside her.

Charlie collapses against his chest, resting there while they both catch their breath.  “Ready to head to the bedroom?” Bryce asks, sweeping messy strands of hair from her face.

“Are you tired out already?” Charlie teases, looking up to meet his gaze.

Bryce smirks.”Not yet, but after round two, you won’t be able to move.”

~~~~~

Charlie wakes up to sun peaking through the curtains and quickly remembers she’s in Bryce’s bed. He’s snuggled up against her back side, his arm draped over her, still sleeping soundly. She hadn’t been sure how she would feel this morning, but it wasn’t this. As much as it scares her, It feels perfect, like this is exactly where she wants to be.

[moiraineswife]

Ep 55 Caleb Meta

Warning: This post will contain a)- Spoilers for episode 55. If you haven’t seen it yet BEGONE. b)- Angst. Bc. Caleb. c)- yelling. if u haven’t worked out already: these posts are not planned. these posts are not thought-through. these posts are not edited. these posts are a stream of consciousness shrieking at the void that is u lot. Enjoy. 

So. Uh. That episode was like..................A lot. Lots to unpack. LOTS. So I’m just going to touch on Caleb and the very specific niche deliciousness of him being completely and utterly retraumatised in that episode and how it may or may not pan out in future. 

Meta under the cut bc it got Long. 

So, DIVING IN: the nature of trauma in itself is repetition. Nightmares, flashbacks (of all their various forms) are ways in which the trauma itself repeats. Basically your brain Cannot Cope with what’s happened so it tries to just put you through the same thing over and over again like process this please. 

Caleb has been dealing with that for at least a decade since the original trauma took place. Then we pile on the (highly symbolic and super-interesting in a really fucked up way bit of magic that is Modify Memory (i assume) which I have to meta on more in future) which is effectively a false memory that was removed (that his parents were guilty/in his twisted-logic mind deserved what they got) which makes a very interesting mirror for suppressed memories (again: big trauma thing. In which your brain Cannot Cope so hard it just blots the bad memory out of existence entirely) so he’s a whole mess of being trapped in an endless cycle of his horrible past (PTSD is a Trip, y’all). 

This is...An echo of that but it’s something new. It’s very much the same KIND of thing, so it plays in to the trauma-repetition, but it’s a new incarnation of it. History repeating itself, etc, etc, delicious irony, all that great stuff fiction-creators live for.  

It’s going to be deeply upsetting for Caleb. (No shit, Taryn). But it so beautifully, and terribly, feeds in to his deep-rooted fears that he is a toxic person, and that those around him are destined to get hurt (by him, not by him, it doesn’t really matter to the guilt brain, it’s all just fuel for that fire). 

For example: Liam spoke on Talks about how, regarding Molly’s death, Caleb almost expected it because yup, that seems about right, par for the course. It’s one of the big reasons he’s been extremely reluctant to let the Mighty Nein get close to him (he’s directly said this in canon at this point, in his conversation with Beau). 

He feels dangerous. He sees himself as dangerous. Partly because he sees himself as being constantly in danger, and by extension, those around him are also in danger. That’s external. 

The internal part of him has been screaming ‘you killed the two people who loved you the most in the world in an unprovoked attack because you’re a monster’ for over a decade at this point. Not only does he not deserve any of these people, he feels like he’s destined to hurt them, no matter what he does, or how hard he tries. 

This, uh, reinforces that in a very deep, obvious, and painful way. Not to mention the fact that, not only did he hurt them he hurt them with fire. Again. So it’s almost exactly the same pattern of shit coming back to haunt him for a second time: 

Trent: Mental manipulation magic - fire - dead loved ones  Demon: mental manipulation magic - fire - nearly dead loved ones. 

It’s Bad. It’s Real Bad. That boy is going to have the panic attack of his life when he recovers from the immediate adrenaline rush of the fight. It’s not going to be pretty. 

It’s going to drive home everything that little voice inside his head that sounds like Trent has been telling him since he joined these people. It’s going to undo all the struggle it’s taken to ignore that voice up to this point because don’t you see what happens when you get close to people? They can be used against you. You can be used against them. They become your weakness and you become weak because you care. Because this hurts. And if you were stronger, and smarter, then it wouldn’t... etc etc etc. *insert emotionally manipulative bullshit here* 

BUT! 

I actually think this could actually be good for him in a really weird way? 

Hear me out: 

Caleb has been living in a trauma loop for over ten years at this point. He’s been going over the same memories again and again and again, but he hasn’t done anything with them. He hasn’t actually fully processed what happened to him. And, and this is the biggest part: he hasn’t had anyone to push against. 

It takes a lot to recognise abuse. It takes a lot in the modern world when there are phones, helplines, the internet and, let’s be honest: awareness. There are words for these experiences and there’s more chance of, accidentally or deliberately, stumbling across help out there that can look at a situation from an outside perspective and go: this is fucked up. 

This is what Caleb needs. 

On his own it’s almost impossible for him to recognise what was done to him and fully process it and begin to heal from it in a healthy way. Caleb has not actually started the process of recovery for anything that happened to him yet because Caleb does not yet recognise/understand what there is to process/recover from. 

In Caleb’s mind, he is a monster. He did an unforgivable thing because he believed his parents deserved it as they were traitors. He broke because he was not strong enough to handle what he’d done. He was sent to an asylum and since escaping he’s just been afraid. That’s the only emotion he’s got towards Trent right now: fear. And it’s suppressing all logic, self-awareness, and the ability to think rationally about what went on. 

Caleb was abused. Caleb was manipulated, mentally, emotionally, and magically. Caleb was a vulnerable kid who was deliberately chosen, carefully groomed, and then skilfully brainwashed by a figure with an enormous amount of literal and emotional power over him. Caleb was abused. 

Caleb does not see this. 

Caleb does not recognise that he was abused. 

And I think this is where a lot of issues with Caleb kinda stem from in fandom? Because people look at him and just...How can he NOT understand that he was manipulated. Huh. Maybe he wasn’t. Because it’s just that damned obvious how could he not understand this? 

Abusers rely on that. Abusers rely on their victims not understanding what they’re doing to them. Particularly when their victims are young, with relatively little real-world experience, and absolutely no grounding/preparation to recognise or combat any of this, in a society that is more accepting of the kind of teaching that radicalised Caleb than most are. 

Caleb needs an outside perspective to look at what he went through and go ‘you know that’s fucked up, right?’ He’s kind of had that from Beau and Nott but not enough. Someone has to sit him down and go through every piece of what happened and be like ‘this is not okay’ ‘what he did to you was not okay’ ‘this is called abuse’ and then consistently validate those experiences until he understands. 

Caleb has over ten years of trauma to process and unlearn. That...That does not happen overnight. That does not happen because your new friend looks at you and goes ‘yeah that was fucked up, dude’ and suddenly it all crystallises in your mind and becomes clear. That takes work. And effort. And a willingness to feel something beyond fear for your abuser and Caleb is Not There yet. 

What this last fight does, though, is open up the possibility of Caleb starting to accept this a little bit. 

Jester: “What the fuck, Caleb?” 

Caleb: “I am sorry...They got inside my head.” 

This is actually....Kinda huge for Caleb? Actually it’s kinda massive. This is Caleb experiencing a trauma incredibly similar to what he went through when he was younger (but on a much smaller scale, with far less dire outcomes) and being able to look at it and, still apologise, but explain that he was not in control of himself, and that ‘they got inside his head’. 

This is the step he needs to take with Trent, too, this is the same admission that he needs to make to himself, and this is the first step that has to happen before he can even begin to start processing and healing his trauma. And he needs help with that. 

This is not the part where I say I expect the mighty nein to become Caleb’s therapists. But they can be friends, they can be a support network, but most importantly: they can be an outside perspective. 

They can’t process his trauma for him. They can’t work through his issues for him. They can’t take away any of his grief, or his guilt, or his pain, or his PTSD. They can’t make what Trent did go away. But they can point it out. 

They can raise a red flag. They can point it out and say ‘this is not okay’. They can put a name to it. They can validate it. They can do the things that Caleb cannot do himself, which is look at what happened and be able to acknowledge, without the burden of guilt, and the fact that it’s so much easier to blame, and hurt, and punish himself than a figure he’s terrified of, and say that it was not okay, and explain to him what happened. 

They can help him acknowledge his abuse and then he can start to help himself heal from it. 

But this fight is, essentially, a microcosm of Caleb’s past. And I hope that if (when, please god when) the mighty nein, who were all either a)- directly charmed themselves, or b)- resisted the effect but were aware of its intentions and capabilities, do not react the way Caleb expects them to react (ie: the way he reacted to himself) with anger, and hatred, and blame, that’s going to start unlocking things. 

I don’t expect a massive breakthrough next episode, don’t get me wrong, this is going to be a long, careful, painful process. But I think even the acknowledgement that someone affected that way by magic, or by emotional abuse, is not themselves, and is not, ultimately, to blame for what they may have done (or weak/somehow complicit in ‘allowing’ themselves to be targeted/victimised) is going to prove a really big thing for Caleb in the future. 

Just that acknowledgement that they don’t blame him for what happened, that they understand he wasn’t himself, and that it wasn’t within his control to stop what was happening could, I think, prove huge in terms of his recovery further down the line... 

TL;DR: Caleb experienced his past again on a much smaller scale with this fight, but having the party around him to react to him/it and reach out to him, and tell him it’s okay and that they don’t blame him will do A Lot for unlocking his potential recognition of abuse and recovery down the line. 

[bullet-farmer]

Okay, I’m having a horrible mental-health day and feel overwhelmed by work, and talking about something that’s been bothering me really feels liberating. Because I feel like it’s one thing I can control right now.

Please don’t reblog this or tag it. I don’t want this to become Discourse, especially in an awesome fandom. But I needed to get this out in a space where people I trust can reply if they wish. I’m fine with disagreement and discussion, as long as people respect my feelings, or ask for clarification if they don’t understand what I’m talking about.

This got long. And it’s about pronouns. And fictional characters. And idk.

Another thing that kind of bothers me about assuming they/them or ze/zir for Beelzebub’s pronouns, and why I’m using both less and less*: I’m really uncomfortable with how few authors do the same for any other character (save, of course, for Pollution, whose pronouns are clearly mentioned as they/them and really should be used exclusively, because that’s just the decent thing to do).  Of course, some people use they/them across the board, or pronouns other than she/her and he/him in any combination. But in my experience, authors who do this are quite rare, at least on Ao3. In most cases, I find authors using “gendered” (for lack of a better word) pronouns for everyone else--namely, those that (presumably) match the gender of the actor who plays each role. For example: she/her for Michael and Dagon, and he/him for Hastur and Gabriel. 

I don’t want to make assumptions about why people do this. For one thing, making sweeping generalizations about people is always a bad idea. It’s even a worse idea when talking about why a group as diverse as fanfic authors. For another, I don’t know what is in people’s hearts or minds, and I’d rather not try to arbitrate any thoughts but my own. That said, in the West, we are swimming in a sea of gender essentialism and binarism. And I can’t help but feel that both are somehow in play in this phenomenon.

Angels and demons in Good Omens are nonbinary. But from a binarist point of view, you could say that nearly all of the angels and demons have at least a few stereotypical masculine or feminine qualities. For example: Michael wears makeup, and a very frilly blouse at one point; Michael’s suit and Uriel’s have what we would call a feminine cut. Dagon has long hair in a style we would call feminine, Sandalphon has male-pattern baldness, Hastur has a deep voice and wears “masculine” clothes, etc. 

But Beelzebub breaks this pattern. She’s what people in the West tend to think of when they hear the term “androgynous”: somewhat boyish and youthful in appearance, dressing in typically “masculine” clothes that don’t emphasize her shape, and behaving in a way that many would call more masculine than feminine. To put it another way, she is aggressive, she speaks forcefully, she shows no hallmarks of being a queen or princess, and she entirely lacks subtlety. Women, of course, are socialized to do the exact opposite. Save for her appearance at the airfield, she is also far more unkempt than any character in the series with the possible exception of Hastur.  I’m beginning to see several problems as I go deeper into this deep dive.  First problem: the assumption that “nonbinary” means androgynous or genderless. And, as a subset of that problem, the assumption that androgynous and agender/genderless are synonymous, and that they/them and ze/zir are “genderless” pronouns. For some people, they very much are. For others, they are not. (For example, a blogger I follow identifies as a cis woman and uses both she/her and they/them).  Second problem: The fact that a character played by an actress simply must be agender or “not female” because said character is androgynous and behaves in stereotypically “masculine” ways.  Third problem: ...Why are we only insisting on they/them or ze/zir for the dirtiest, least conventionally attractive character in the show? I mean, being dirty and unkempt isn’t a stereotypically nonbinary trait, but considering how society sees women who don’t obsess over their looks as “not real women,” this has some very unfortunate implications to me. Fourth problem: Y’all, Neil didn’t say that Beelzebub would probably use they/them as pronouns. He said “zir” (and to be honest, I think that was him being witty rather than making an official statement). I understand that some people can uses these interchangeably to describe themselves, but they really aren’t interchangeable. And acting like they are, strikes me as basically saying “well, these are all nongendered pronouns, so just pick whichever you like best when talking about someone.” Imagine calling someone whose pronouns are they/them, “ze/zir” and thinking that isn’t misgendering or upsetting. I also don’t see posts that insist we respect any other character as nonbinary--particularly characters like, say, Hastur, Ligur, or Gabriel. (Perhaps I’m mistaken, but I really feel like people are even more hesitant to call more “masculine” characters nonbinary than they are Dagon, Michael, etc. Which also strikes me as having really unfortunate implications. But that’s a whole other post.) Or regular use of “Nonbinary Character” and “Canon Nonbinary Character” tags on AO3 for any other demon or angel.  All of this is really starting to get to me as a nonbinary/genderfluid person who absolutely does not see myself as agender or androgynous, even if people regularly describe my looks as “masculine” for reasons I’ll get into in a second. I’m genderfluid and nonbinary because I do not fully or consistently identify with the gender I was assigned at birth--and because I never have. While some days I feel fine with having society see me as a cis woman, some days I am deeply not okay with it--and am actually dysphoric because my body doesn’t look more stereotypically androgynous. However, when I realized that stereotypical androgyny is a concept that cisheterocentric society forces on nonbinary people--and DFAB people in particular--my dysphoria became a bit more manageable.  I also do not attend to my appearance. I have no interest in wearing makeup, flattering clothes, or even feminine ones. I wear skirts for comfort; I’ve always hated pants because of sensory issues, but if I didn’t, I’d probably wear a lot of “men’s” clothes. As it is, I wear T-shirts cut for men, rather than the fitted versions for women. And baggy clothes that men can get away with wearing, but women not so much. I don’t regularly style my hair despite having it long. I don’t shave any part of my body--which began upsetting people when I was twelve, y’all. Adults constantly bothered me about it, and about looking more feminine and stylish. I may be the only “girl” on the planet whose father encouraged her to wear shorter skirts and more flattering tops when she was in her early teens.

It really upset me, but at the time I had no language for why--other than that I felt pushed and harassed. Thankfully, people have since mostly cut that shit out, but when you deal with it as a child, it really leaves some scars and some gender confusion--a fact I only realized while typing this out! Of course, I don’t believe that any of these life choices inherently make anyone any particular gender. But society thinks differently. To it, I’m a failure as a woman, and when you add on the fact that I’m nearing forty, childfree, offbeat, clueless about ‘appropriate” interactions with men, and loud and messy because of ADHD, I’m labeled as even less of a woman. I would have no problem with this if it didn’t come with the pejorative baggage. I have never been a girl or a woman, though I feel I share enough in common with this gender to be comfortable having it be part of my identity to some degree. Even as a child, I felt this but I had no name for it because no one was talking about trans issues in a conservative red state in the 80s and 90s, and they sure as fuck wouldn’t have done it around kids. I didn’t even hear the word “nonbinary” until the early 2010s.  All of this also means that I don’t get many characters or images that represent me. Again, media portrayals of people like me (DFAB and not consistently woman-identifying) are so rare that Beelzebub is the ONLY one I have found in my adult life who isn’t, you know, the butt of a joke about viragos and lesbians who are too ugly to get a man, and “undateables.” So having people insist that using she/her is somehow misgendering is...well, I get that it’s not directed at me. That it isn’t about me personally. That it isn’t meant to hurt me. That it is a lot of nonbinary people and genderfluid people talking about their own experiences. I know all of that, and I don’t begrudge people their feelings. But it still kind of hurts when they disapprove of disagreement. And it makes me worry that fewer people will read my fic, and may accuse me of misgendering if they do, even if I always “warn” for pronouns. I’m even hesitant to make posts like this or to refer to Beelzebub as she/her in casual conversation. Which, well...kind of makes me feel like I do in life. Almost no one but my therapists knows I’m not cis, because I don’t think I could explain it to them without causing confusion and some distress. Which I don’t want to cause and don’t have the spoons to deal with, especially when my own gender issues are so complicated and unclear even to me.

I also just don’t have the spoons to deal with people for assuming I’m a cis, straight girl writing a hetero relationship when I use she/her in most of my Beelzefic. And to be honest, I’m just sort of hurt at the inconsistency around pronouns and the issues said inconsistency raise for me. 

I mean, like I said, I know this isn’t personal, and I do my best to keep that in mind. But I don’t like having to hold my thoughts in because they might upset other genderfluid and nonbinary people.** I have to do that enough in my life already as a queer person, and as a mentally ill person whose feelings are not always appropriate to the situation. Having to hold them in here, too, feels really unfair and frustrating to me, and kind of like I can’t be myself even in LGBTQ+ spaces. so... tl;dr  Use whatever pronouns for Beelzebub you like, or no pronouns at all. I am not the pronoun police, and I would never tell anyone what to do with their writing. But please don’t accuse people of misgendering if they do otherwise, or mistreat them if they do, or make assumptions about them or their reasons. You don’t know who they are or what experience they’re writing from, just as they don’t know who you are and your experiences. I guess that’s it. thank you. 

* Yes, I am aware of what Neil said on the subject. I’m genderfluid and allowed to disagree and to present an alternate view. ** I really don’t care too much about cisgender folks’ opinions on this issue. I’m sorry, but I don’t. Especially when cisgender people opine about what pronouns we should use for a character. I’m glad that they’re concerned and think they’re trying admirably to be good allies, but this really is an in-house and stay-in-your-lane issue. 

[jcmorgenstern]

3x14 Review

Hey so for once this is actually super positive! I loved this episode and can’t wait to gush about it! So without further ado, I’m gonna get the stuff I quibbled with outta the way before diving into what I liked:

The Bad: — I think my biggest problem overall was that scene between Alec and Lorenzo. I understand Alec was being protective and he goes into Fierce Mommy Tiger mode around those he considers family and those he loves (I think it’s important to show that Magnus isn’t just his boyfriend, Magnus has become integrated into the thing Alec bases his life around). But I had hoped Alec would have figured out by now that a Nephilim threatening to depose a Downward leader over an apartment is…..unideal, at least. — I get that this may have been designed as a plot hook as an understandable yet stupid thing Alec does that comes back to bite him later (i.e., if there is a Downward civil war in New York, and Lorenzo decides to fuck Alec over). Alec’s strength and weaknesses are tied to his family, and I think it’s a very believable mistake for him to make. I don’t expect him to be perfect, I just hope the narrative treats his threat to Lorenzo as less of a “pure uwu cutesy bf” move and more of a mistake, even if Lorenzo is being cruel to Magnus. — Honestly y’all I expected something WAY worse. Losing the apartment was nothing compared to the drama I expected—I thought Lorenzo was gonna ask Magnus to spy on Alec or go back to Asmodeus or something awful. Thankfully that was inverted by a very obvious attempt to get Magnus to move in with Alec, because apparently he can’t buy a new house with all his money. — I also quibbled a little with how Clary was written, especially in that scene where Jace comforts her (or, really, when Jace makes what happened to her about him and how angry he is and how he’s going to kill Jonathan etc. It’s a pattern with him, esp where Jonathan is involved, and I have more to say about it). Clary has always been a very temperamental, look before you leap sort of person, and I’m not sure that if she figured out Jonathan had hurt Jace she would just smile and pretend along. Clary would FREAK. This is Jocelyn’s daughter, y’all. The knives would be out. She stabbed herself to stab him before and she’d do it again. She has ALL the tools at her disposal to rune him or run away. — To be clear, I’m not shaming Clary for what she chose to do or not confronting a violently entitled dude who kidnapped her once already, I just felt the arc was artificially extended to let Jace be the hero instead of letting Clary kick Jonathan’s ass off a pier and rune him. There’s no way that bitch can swim. It seemed kind of….not how Clary would react and kind of artificially done for Jace and Jonathan’s benefit. — Last thing, which isn’t even a quibble but I feel people will be confused if it’s not on here: the Maia and Jordan thing. I’ll go into it more but basically: if they’re doing what I think, I think it worked shockingly well, but if it’s played straight yeah it’ll be Unfortunate.

The Good: — I’m just gonna come out and say this episode was AMAZING. Since this is mostly a positive review I’d like to credit the writer specifically—Zoe Broad. Honestly just the overall coherence of this episode was greater than any of the ones in S3 for me, it flowed from one scene to the other and there was no point where I had the urge to check Facebook or whatever. The dialogue was pretty good overall and truly amazing at parts, and I felt she had a pretty good handle on the characters, despite this being her first episode, which was very impressive. — I actually ENJOYED the ship content??? Clace was absolutely adorable on the rink, with Jace’s sometimes annoying bravado being played wryly both on his part and by the script. “I was born ahead of the curve” delivered with a smile and then nearly falling on his ass was. Very good. And Clary’s little “you’re doing better than me….when I was six” was equally great and I just. Really liked it? They felt like real people on a real date and it felt real and dynamic and cute. — Same with Malec’s grave-robbing date. Usually their scenes start to get weighed down by drama or just general “talking to the audience to make them happy rather than each other,” but this was just cute AND advanced the plot, and connected them back to the main storyline. I hadn’t liked how they were quarantined away from the main story and I’m glad they’re back, even if the “losing Magnus’ loft” was a weird way to do it. — Maia and Alisha particularly were really the breakout stars of the episode. Alisha really really SOLD that dialogue and was honestly incredible. Her terror and anger and desperation felt so visceral and real that even though I knew it would be resolved in the episode, it was gripping and I genuinely needed to know what happened next. — I also did like how Zoe wrote Maia (that “frickin” was TOTALLY a stand in for fuck and I APPRECIATE it) and I felt she really captured how she feels about Jordan—she does care about him as a person, or rather for the person he was at some point, but still refuses to not to push down on her own anger and hurt for his or anyone else’s sake. I felt it was really complex and confusing and emotional for her and overall I think that scene was meant to give her a sense of closure. Just because she recognizes that Jordan does care about her and can be supportive of her, doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily jump back into his arms. — That’s kind of my reading—I’m not sure where they’re going, obviously, but my instinct was that the less chill stuff Maia says (implying they may be going a romantic arc) was more due to the fact she was PANICKING IN A LOCKED CLOSET WITH A DYING DUDE. Like she says “I’m confused” like yes she meant before but honestly right then she obviously was, and I don’t really see the show going for Jordan/Maia? Especially since Todd has hinted Maia has a “don’t need no man” arc. Like she drifts apart from Simon but gets back with someone she hated for years?? Not seeing it. — However if they do go there I’ll be really disappointed, mostly because of the missed opportunity for complexity but also because yeahhhhh maybe not the chillest thing with how many people interpret their relationship as abuse. (I could make a separate post about it but yeah). — Onto Magnus. God okay I don’t know how others felt but I felt Zoe really got to the crux of why Magnus misses his magic. That how he feels connected to the world through his magic was just…such a good insight and it really impacted me because it wasn’t just some generic “magic is what makes me who I am,” it was so much more deep and personal and I felt it meant a lot that Magnus finally put that into words for Alec. He’d clearly been struggling to impart to Alec how he felt, both in terms of “how do I even explain this loss” and a his own emotional reticence. God that grave robbing scene!!!! — Umm the Morningstar sword actually being a sword to summon demons?? Kind of weird?? Esp if they play it off as an actual Morgenstern relic?? Not sure what’s happening but it was cool?? — honestly dudes I’ve been FUCKED UP about the Luke storyline and SUPER STRESSED and now IT’S ALL HAPPENIGN someone SAVE HIM oh my GOD I’m actually so stressed I’ve been stressed for 9 months FREE HIM — Ok now to Jonathan bc lbr y’all know I can’t shut up about him. Ok first off, that scene with the seelie gal, oh my FUCKING GOD I was screaming what a LOSER GHSDKLFJhghghhghgg. And she insults his shitty dialogue?? Zoe ma’am may I PROPOSE??? This keeps getting wilder and wilder I can’t believe they’re GOING THERE. THEY’RE GOING THERE SO HARD. HE’S SUCH A WILD LOSER. Can you BELIEVE he found someone off shadow world fetlife to be like “I’m a Morgenstern and I love you bro you’re so hot and clever and lovable” I just can’t. I bet you ANYTHING she tops and is only in it for the shadow hunter ass. — SHAPESHIFTING. YALL. I BUST A NUT. Look, it fixes so many fucking plot holes. His eyes look SO COOL when he does demon magic. He’s so OP and Chaotic Stupid it’s not even a joke  I Lov my Mary Sue Son. — Honestly having Jonathan impersonate Jace is so brilliant (remember when he said, “I don’t want your pity, I want your life?”) Like it is so fucked up but I love it.  Not looking forward to the mind control but maybe he just whispered “I’m a bottom” into her ear and ran off in her ensuing shock and confusion. You can’t prove me wrong until next week so until then LA LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU — Personally I liked Dom’s performance as Jonathan, but not to be that Bitch I felt Will was a lot more subtle about it. Dom gave him a straight up thousand mile stare whereas Will played him as something charismatic and good at lying with a little edge of Something Wrong, a strain behind a smile. Sure, Jonathan was probably nervous for his little kidnapping date, but I felt it was unrealistic that he was so suave and convincing (sans the part where Aline comes to visit him that was hilarious, Jonathan you’re an idiot) as Seb and then is like “I eat ants sometimes” as Jace. Like. He’s an obsessive bitch. He’d have practiced Jace in the mirror. Fuck you. Probably while saying “fuck you.” ANYWAYS. — Izzy doing science? It’s not much but I’ll fucking take it lmao. I’m excited to see where Heavenly Fire is going. Matt’s Latin is still abysmal but whatever it’s ok. — also that rose?? A kiss from a rose?? Honestly this ep was so clever and thematically connected and just FLOWED like an ACTUAL EP OF TV god I’m emotional!!!! Thank you Zoe Broad ma’am you are a hero!!! — Again I’m gonna point out both Jace and Jonathan have a designated Brooding Fireplace. — Not super hyped about Heidi coming back but hey this ep was Worth It.

Anyway tldr I really liked it and wanted to spew semi-coherent positivity for once! About more characters than just my stupid fave!!! Wow!!! Good writing is SEXY and I LOVE IT!!!

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

hi i love your writing, especially downey/vetinari. there's a plato quote (the republic 3.403a) that always makes me think of D/V. could you use your magic writing skills to make something of it? the quote is 'to love rightly is to love what is orderly and beautiful in an educated and disciplined way' thank you!!!

Downey does not consider himself a particularlygood lover in the sense of participating in relationships with ease andrefinement. He’s fine in the bedroom department, probably better there than in theemotional vulnerability department. Vacillating between cool, distant,collected and ardently in love I shall write you a letter a day tends to causedifficulties depending on who one is attempting to woo. By turns he is eagerand terrified. Wanting to love rightly but horrified of being hurt by someonewho would know exactly how to twist the knife. Which ribs are most vulnerable. Downeyfeels like his head is on fire much of the time, more so when affection andlove are involved. It exhausts.

To make such matters worse, historically Downeyonly really fucked with barely contained messes. Preferably those who were genteeland artistic and prone to languidly lying around in beautiful clothing. Walkingstereotypes of gentlemanly decadence. Men and women who could only be describedas Bad Decisions. He liked Bad Decisionsbecause Bad Decisions didn’t require deep love. They didn’t require fear oradoration (a close companion of fear) or loss because there was nothing to lose.There was safety in contained self-destruction that could be easily put rightwith a fortnight of sobriety and a few hot baths.

And in recent years there hadn’t really beenanything or anyone because of the guild and his work and his students and citypolitics to keep him busy and safe from himself. It’s been years since he’sdone much more than idly flirt with someone else’s wife for the laugh of it.  

What is all of this tending towards? Thepatrician of Ankh-Morpork wishes to have dinner. A date sort of dinner, if Downey isn’t mistaken.

Downey prods the uncertainty of his feelingsabout this. It’s an amorphous, un-named creature that exists between them. Thathas always existed between them. There are some people born into your life thatyou will always have a connection with even when you both wish to have nothingto do with one another. Downey once read a monograph on magnets and felt thatit was applicable.

He’s fifty-five, Vetinari is fifty-three. They’reboth too old for dinners.

But Vetinari is dark mountain water compared tohis usual choices. He is a stoic, an aesthete, Spartan. Downey reasons that itwould be difficult to lose oneself in a piece of cold marble. Everything aboutthe patrician extinguishes – mountain water; marble; steel; gears; ice; snow;late autumn days; wet cobblestones; iron hinges.

He reasons there is very little there that hewould be able to adore. In that, there is safety.

And he is bored.

And it would possibly be interesting.

And it would end a bet he made with Ludo threedecades ago. Back when Vetinari was Dog-botherer and the patrician was Snapcaseand Downey was a new teacher at the guild and the world was such a differentplace. A completely different land from where they are now.

He decides to accept. He relays this to thepatrician at the end of a weekly guild update (inhumation numbers up; studentapplication rates the same; no I have no idea why you think we need to beaudited we report all numbers relating to guild income accurately I assure infact I oversee it I don’t see why that makes you more suspicious). Thepatrician is suitably pleased and surprised. Downey isn’t sure how to respondto that so just says, ‘good. Um I’m free Wednesday or Friday.’

‘Wednesday then. Is eight agreeable?’

‘Eight is fine.’

Vetinari nods, takes up papers and says, ‘verywell. Shall we go to that one Agatean restaurant?’

‘Um, you’ll have to be more specific.’

‘The one riverside.’

‘Um-‘

‘There’s more than one riverside now I take it.Ah, it was open years ago. Perhaps it’s closed.’

Downey squints at Vetinari and clicks throughrestaurants he knows that have been open since before Vetinari’s ascension tothe patricianship. He lands on a possibility, ‘you mean the one I dragged youto after the food poisoning incident?’

Vetinari nods curtly.

‘Sure, I think it’s still open.’

‘Excellent.’

‘I won’t make them sing you happy birthday thistime.’

Vetinari’s expression becomes cool, ‘I shouldhope not.’

Downey grins in a cheeky manner, ‘No theatrethis time, either.’

‘Spare us all from that poor life choice.’

‘I think enjoyed it, if I remember correctly.’

Vetinari is prim, ‘there’s no accounting fortaste I suppose.’

Unsure of where to go in the conversation fromthis point Downey puts his hat on and says that he looks forward to it. Eight,Wednesday, the Mazz. He’ll book them a table.

//

Wednesday and they both turn up lookingrespectably well dressed and with papers so as to pretend to everyone it’s abusiness dinner. The Mazz is situated above the Ankh and this early springevening the cool air means that the fog isn’t too heavy resulting in a fineview of the river, the quay-side, boats rocking lazily in their slips. Acrossthe river to one side is the darkness of the shades, the glimmer of opera houseand palace lights to the other.

The Mazz has not updated its décor since theirfirst visit thirty-odd years ago and the faded attempts at Agatean glamour withits ivory and cherry wood decorated walls, its patterned seat covering full of blossomsand herons, dim lights, lends a nostalgic air to the evening.

The food is still good.

Downey is pleasantly surprised by this since hesuspects it’s gone through a few ownership turnovers since it opened.

‘I remember there was an illegal betting ringdownstairs for a time,’ he says. ‘I think Willis and I went for a laugh.’

‘Really? This seems rather upscale for such an operation– or was rather upscale at the time.’

‘I think that’s half the reasoning for it. Noone would suspect. Anyway, the owner was cleaning up some family money via therestaurant. But it actually turned out to be popular enough that it’s stayedaround.’

Vetinari is curious – how does Downey knowthis? Did Downey knows this years ago when they first went? How did he andWillis and Ludo always manage to end up in quasi-illegal dives?

Downey gently shrugs through the questions. Heheard it on the grape vine, the one did back in Snapcase’s time. The way oneheard about all sorts of things. That necessary whisper network that was set upto keep the more underground guilds safe and people who were associated withpeople the patrician hated. So, all assassins.

‘I wasn’t part of this,’ Vetinari says with afrown.

‘Sure you were. Ludo occasionally told youthings.’

‘Oh?’

‘Absolutely – but it wasn’t always necessaryreally. You didn’t go out to places the patrician’s men were likely to raid sotherefore didn’t need to stay up on that as much as the rest of us. Crown and Tigerwas raided regularly, Green Lounge every once in a while, Cloak and Daggerweekly, The Neon Light for a time was a hot spot, Green Tea over by the eastgate, uh that one underground speak easy The Pearl which operated out ofseveral locations was a regular target.’

Vetinari shakes his head, he had heard of mostof these places but Downey is correct, he rarely ever went. Indeed, there areseveral he’d never stepped foot in. ‘I do remember going to the Green Loungefor a time.’

‘Popular spot mostly because it was discreetand the beer was cheap.’

‘It was disgusting.’

‘Oh yes,’ Downey nods, ‘ that was part of thecharm I believe.’

Vetinari smiles at that. Charm indeed. It was adive. He would hate to see the couches they all sat on in clear light. He issure everything was beer and smoke stained to an unhealthy degree. Downey doesn’tdispute this. He continues to insist that when you’re twenty that’s part of it.Age brings a lower tolerance for unhealthy air and bad alcohol.

Dinner plates are removed. Both order a brandyand shuffle papers around for the look of the thing.

Downey, becoming aware of how much of thespeaking he is doing, searches around for something to discuss that isn’t workrelated. He lands on books. He recalls Vetinari had a soft spot for badyellow-back penny dreadfuls. He asks about them. Vetinari is amused but doesn’tgo on at length about it. Downey wants to gently flick his forehead – come on,I’m trying to make this work, give me something to work off of.

Of course Vetinari is difficult to parse, toopen up and dissect. He is an orderly and contained man which Downey appreciates.He likes order. He likes containment and control, most especially because hefeels like he has little of it. What he presents to the world, a quiet, neat,orderly gentlemanly sort of man, is a well-rehearsed and difficult to maintainmask. But it is one that he must wear. He is master of the Assassins’ Guild, heis a teacher, a tutor, a pillar of society. There are expectations and by thegods he will meet every one of them.

He still wishes he could take a week off and bea drunk, smokey mess. One day, when he retires. If he ever retires. Assassinstend not to, as a general rule.

All this said, there is a part of him that willalways envy Vetinari. Envy that he is the personification of Downey’s butterflycollection. So beautiful and neat.

‘May I ask why,’ Downey asks. They’re having asecond brandy. The restaurant is quiet now and Downey is pondering if he could convinceVetinari to go somewhere else after they eventually leave.

‘Why?’

‘Why,’ Downey motions to the two of them and therestaurant.

‘Ah.’

‘Ah,’ Downey repeats. Vetinari gives him a lookand he smiles charmingly. An expression of something like affection runs acrossVetinari’s face.

‘I thought it might be worth a try.’

‘I see.’

‘I have a matrix I apply to possibilities.’

‘Of course you do.’

‘You ticked off most of the boxes.’ Vetinari saysthis in a complimentary manner.

Downey nods. He both wants to and doesn’t wantto know what the boxes are.

‘That’s quite…disciplined,’ Downey says after amoment of thought. ‘How very Marcus Aurelianus of you.’

‘Indeed.’

‘I’m not sure how I feel about that.’

Vetinari looks mildly perplexed. What isn’tthere to understand? It makes perfect sense to apply a stringent set of rulesto something that could become complicated in a certain set of extenuatingcircumstances. If one is to do this it is right to love, if one may eventuallycall it that, what is orderly and beautiful in an educated and disciplined way.

Downey laughs. Vetinari blinks at him. Helaughs again. Gods of course this is Vetinari’s modus operendi. Of course this is his approach to whatever path itis they’re going down. Of course it is about order and education and discipline.That doesn’t shock him so much as amuse him. He knows Vetinari, has known himfor forty years. This is perhaps one of the most Vetinari-ish moments he has experienced.He wishes for more of them. Despite their cold manner, they are endearing. It’sa cool glass of water to how his affairs have operated in the past (withoutmuch thought, without much control, without much feeling).

Funny, how this evokes more tenderness in himthan any compilation of messy letters he has received from past lovers.

‘You know I’m not very orderly,’ Downeyclarifies after they have had time enough for rumination.

Vetinari frowns, ‘you are. In your own way. Theguild is functioning smoothly.’

‘Yes, I was speaking more of my personal life.My head is not an orderly place.’

‘No,’ a slight smile. ‘I never thought it was.’

‘So therefore your statement of it being rightto love what is orderly can’t apply to me.’

Vetinari finishes his brandy and looks atDowney in a very steady manner. It is a different gaze from the one used in theOblong Office which is meant to prompt a confessional style of speaking. Thisone is mild contemplation, perhaps affection. He says at length that hebelieves Downey underestimates himself in this department. Regardless, thematrix supports this decision. Downey shrugs. Fine, if that is Vetinari’sfeelings on the matter. He is happy to see what happens.

Leaving the restaurant they decide towalk for a time as the night isn’t too smoggy.

‘How does your leg hold up?’ Downey asks asthey linger over the bridge between Small Dogs and the main boulevard back toboth guild and palace.

‘It has its moments.’

‘But it’s fine tonight?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘Good. Excellent.’

They lapse into silence. Bells toll the hour foreleven and as they’re near enough Downey asks if Vetinari would like a nightcap. He adds that there are dogs to pay attention to as he believes that wouldbe an added incentive for the patrician to come along back to the guild.Vetinari considers the offer before agreeing saying that he has always admiredDowney’s dogs from a distance. They are large but very well trained.

‘And useless,’ Downey adds with affection. ‘Absolutelyuseless. Would show any intruder right to the valuables.’

‘They sound friendly.’

‘They are. Terrible guard dogs and not at allwhat an assassin should have.’

 //

Alsace and Harold are excited, as they alwaysare, when Downey enters his rooms and become doubly excited when they see thereis another person with him. More people to pay attention to them the better.Vetinari takes a seat by the fireplace while Downey makes them a drink. Haroldpositions himself immediately beside Vetinari while Alsace runs back and forthbetween the drinks table and the fireplace.

‘I never realized how big this dog is,’Vetinari says while petting Harold’s head.

‘Taller than me if he stands up on his hindlegs. By easily a head.’

‘Gods.’

Harold looks up at him with clear affection.

‘He likes you. Granted he likes everyone.’

Downey hands Vetinari his drink and takes aseat opposite him.

‘Was it solely the matrix that guided anydecision made?’ Downey asks. Vetinari shakes his head, oh no there were otherthings taken into account. He waxes on about his personal philosophy of how oneshould go about things such as relationships when holding a position ofconsiderable power. He has many views on it and they almost tumble out – or ifVetinari was anyone other than Vetinari they would be tumbling. He opines.Downey listens. He likes Vetinari’s voice, it is low and soft.

‘So in the end,’ Vetinari says. ‘It makes themost logical sense.’

It makes no logical sense, Downey doesn’t pointout. You’ve applied logic after the fact. This realization appeals to him buthe doesn’t wish to disturb Vetinari’s contentment so just says he is flattered.And he is. He never really considered himself someone a man like Vetinari wouldbe remotely interested in – their occasionally fraught childhood aside. It is aflattering thing to be wanted by someone who does very little wanting in hislife. And does Downey want Vetinari in return? He isn’t sure. He thinks perhapsyes. Very much it is a perhaps yes.

The conversation turns from the personal to thesocial in that they end night gossiping about Lord Venturi’s latest affair and thedrama it has brought to the Ankh-Morpork social scene. Though Vetinari does notcall it gossiping, he says they are engaging in polite exchange of informationpertinent to better engaging in the social climate of the city.

‘So, gossiping.’ Downey clarifies. ‘We’regossiping. I love gossiping. It’s a favourite past time of mine and Mericet’s.’

‘I’m hardly going to dignify that with a  response.’

‘Very well, if you insist.’

 //

At midnight Vetinari takes his leave asking atthe door if Downey would perhaps be interested in another evening to beconducted in a similar manner. Downey, feeling cheeky and bold, replies, ‘yes I’llgo on another date with you.’

Vetinari, pleased, uncertain, uncertain at howpleased and uncertain he is, says with great wit and grace, ‘um, good. Yes.Excellent.’

As they are alone and awkwardly staring at eachother Downey asks, ‘so, do I get a kiss?’

Vetinari blinks. Downey grins and goes to turnaway but Vetinari replies that as it is traditional he believes it in order.Downey wants to laugh. He wants to tell Vetinari that he is ridiculous but insuch a manner as to make his chest tight. Instead, he leans in, cups one sideof the patrician’s and kisses him. It’s uncertain and shy and strange but couldhave been worse.

‘So,’ Downey says to cover up his feeling awkwardness,‘next week we’re going to see a bad operetta right?’

‘Gods,’ Vetinari scoffs. ‘I’m never letting youplan anything.’

‘I’d be so good at it!’

Vetinari rolls his eyes. They stand for amoment longer together between dark hallway that leads out to a discreet sideentrance to the guild and the warm light of Downey’s rooms. Downey says that he’dbetter go, and Vetinari says oh yes him too he had better be off. Work to do.They both have work and early mornings and meetings and Downey says one minute andkisses him again because he decides that if they’re going to do this they hadbetter do it properly. He’s never done this properly before and he suspectsVetinari hasn’t either and so they might as well try – in for a penny, in for apound.

Vetinari leaves after inquiring about next Thursdayor Friday and Downey saying Thursday is probably best. Downey watches him goand stands with the door open until he hears the one leading to the outsideworld open and close. He continues to stand, staring where Vetinari had beenstanding only moments before then pulls himself back into the present, closesthe door, collects one of Marcus Aurelianus’ books and retires to bed.  

[bobasheebaby]

Torn

Pairing:  Drake x Athena

Word count:  1,463

Warnings: angst, all the angst, no fluff to be found

Summary: Athena becomes stressed while going over her options.

A/N: @mrsnazario1223 as always thank you! 

If you want to be tagged, just ask.

Athena sat at the bar of the train car, upset, again. How did she keep finding herself in this situation, crying at the goddamn bar. She looked at the now very crumpled up note from Liam she got earlier in the day along with flowers, which made her moment of happiness come crashing down around her. She had had a romantic moment with Percy and it was all destroyed by Liam’s words. She felt a complex array of emotions, anger at Liam for all of his actions that brought them to this place, fear of letting him back in only to have her hopes and dreams dashed YET again, confusion over the feelings she felt for now three completely different men. She didn’t know if she could, should give Liam another chance, he’d already hurt her so thoroughly on more than one occasion, and who knows if they could ever be together the way they wanted anyway. Percy could give her everything she wanted and more, the feelings were there, growing, maybe she should give him a real chance. Drake seemed completely disinterested anymore so she just had to let that thought go, maybe that was for the best, it would be easier if she only had to choose between two men, instead of three.

Her head fell into her hands, she had absolutely no clue what to do, she was so completely torn in two. She loved Liam, she knew that, but he had a pattern of distrusting her, breaking her heart on more than one occasion. He chose a woman that was cruel to her and did nothing to stand up to Madeline’s cruel words. He basically accused her of cheating on more than one occasion when it was SHE who was the other woman. Who the hell did he think he was accusing her of cheating when he technically was the one cheating on his fiancé?! She hated being the other woman, she didn’t know why she let his words woo her into this terrible situation. His fucking words, telling her she was the queen of his heart, his only love, if that were true why didn’t he pick her?! Why would he pick someone who was so cruel to her instead?! All he ever had were words and promises with the occasional gift, that stupid pearl from the grotto! It might have meant something if they were actually together, but the hiding, the sneaking around, being the other woman tainted the meaning it should have had. She was furious with Liam, for asking this of her and and even more furious at herself for telling him yes. She let out a seated sigh, she could be mad at him all she wanted but she had a hand in all of this too, had she said no things would be so much easier. But she couldn’t say no to him, not when he looked at her with love, longing, and hope, not when he said beautiful words about his love for her, that she was the only woman to own his heart. Who could ever say no after that? But she should have.

Percy was so amazing and incredible, she felt happy and free when she was with him. Feelings that had been rare since the coronation when Liam had broken her heart and his first promise. She loved feeling so happy and free once more, she had almost forgotten what it felt like since the coronation. Percy brought her that feeling, that freedom. She could be seen with Percy and not worry about the implications, she could be with Percy out in the open and have everything she ever wanted with him. She didn’t know what was holding her back from truly diving in, it wasn’t lack of feelings, no there were plenty of feelings, today just further proved to her just how deep she had fallen and how deep she could fall if she just let herself. It wasn’t fear, she knew Percy would never hurt her the way Liam had. No, it’s was uncertainty that had to be holding her back. Uncertainty of her future with Liam, if she could even ever have one. Uncertainty if she should give Liam yet another chance to break her heart, or maybe it was time to move on and just let her feelings for Percy overtake her. She shook her head as she let out a broken sob. She was so unsure of what to do, what she wanted. 

She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder, turning she found Drake. Drake the man who didn’t want her.

“You okay Morgan?” Drake asked, concern etched across his face. She looked so sad and broken, had Liam done this to her or was it Duke Perceval.

She shook her head. “Not really Drake.” She sobbed, how could she tell Liam’s best friend how she was feeling? He’d probably yell at her and tell her she did it to herself and deserved to be so torn about what, no who she wanted.

Drake being sighed my as he sat down next to her. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

“It’s just I  don’t know what to do…”she croaked trailing off. She needed to talk to someone, but Drake? Would he even be in her side?

She took a deep breath in, trying to steal confidence.

“I don’t know what to do, about Liam and Percy. I have feelings for both of them, but Liam hurt me, he keeps hurting me. He may not have meant it but it doesn’t change the fact that he keeps breaking my heart. I just…” she stated trailing off again.

“He sent me this today.” She said instead, passing Drake the crumpled note.

Drake raised an eyebrow at the state of the note. “That bad Morgan?” He asked trying to flatten the note so he could read it.

“Yes.. No… I don’t know..” She tried to start, sighing and dropping her head into her hands. “I just don’t know if it changes anything.” She said softly looking back up at Drake. “How do I trust him again after everything? He keeps showing me he doesn’t trust me and I don’t know if I could go through the heartbreak that will come again.” She finished with a sigh.

“So he took my advice.” Drake said passing back the note.

“What?” She asked narrowing her eyes in confusion at Drake.

“I kinda told him off after dragging him out of your room today. Heh. I told him if he didn’t want to lose you he needed to stop behaving like a jealous ass and start showing you the real him, and how much you mean to him.” He started. “That.” He pointed to the note. “Shows that he’s trying. I have no clue what he’s going to do but he’s trying Morgan.” Drake said.

“Really? You told him off?” She asked surprised.

“He was being a jerk I set him straight. But you don’t ever really know Morgan. You just need to look inside your heart and it’ll tell you what to do. Liam may have not handled things they way he should have but he does love you even if he has a strange way of showing it. He’s scared too.” Drake replied.

Athena sighed, she didn’t know how she felt, not really, she was torn between giving up and giving him yet another chance.

“But I don’t know how I feel Drake. Part of me feels like giving up and the other feels like giving him one last chance.” She said sadly looking down at the note.

“It’s not like there’s a handbook for these types of situations Morgan. Just trust in him. Trust that’s he’s trying.” He replied.

“I’m sure he is Drake, but I’m not sure it’s enough anymore, he really hurt me.” Athena said sadly, wringing her hands. She wasn’t ready to let go, but she wasn’t ready to have her heart broken again. She just didn’t know what to do, stay with him and risk never having what she wanted, risk having her heart broken again. Could she withstand another heartbreak at his hand? Go, forget Liam, move on, she’d still suffer, pain from leaving the man she loved, the man she thought she’d get forever with. Pain from watching Madeline win. She thought long and hard, weighed each option in silence, and Drake let her.

“One last chance. I will give him one last chance. But if he breaks my heart this time, then I’m done.” She said standing up, her voice was steadier than she thought it would be. As she headed back to her room, the words kept running in her head, one last chance.

What Almost Was Masterlist

Masterlist

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