#ive already lost most if not all of my passion for this job

[summerlycoris]

Guess whos potentially working a triple tomorrow?????????

Im going to transform into my final form if this shit keeps up i swear to god.

[nekokoaa]

The Agreement - Miguel O'Hara x Therapist!Reader (III)

Summary: It was simple. No kissing. No sex. Hugs and hand-holding only. The goal was to help Miguel feel a little less lonely sometimes. That was your job as one of the therapists at HQ, to mentally stabilize everyone’s mind, including the boss’s.

In other words, you and Miguel make a deal.

Rated Explicit, fluff, smut

4K words | (3/5) chapters

Chapters:

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V)

Author's notes: I work as a freelance copywriter so I had to prioritize my projects but I still managed to get this done! Enjoy! :) Let me know if you want to be a part of the tag list.

Also on AO3

III.

Sometimes you wish you were mindless—just a rusty cog of a machine in a 9 to 5 corporate job. Simply, a taciturn sheep led by a shepherd, waiting for the day a butcher’s knife is pressed against its neck. It was easier to handle life in such a way. Regrets can never be born when allied with carelessness.

But it was something beyond you. Clearly. The throes of passion had tempted you that night. His hand on your hip firmly held you in place, fingers pressed into your suit. Covetous crimson eyes searched between your eyes and lips long enough that the sweat of your skin gathered at your clavicles. But you managed to resist his heat, disappointing, yes, but at least you still had your dignity—your morals. If it wasn’t for that, you might’ve been in his bed that night, rocking your hips against his without a single care in the world.

Three weeks had passed by and you haven’t had a session with him since that night. You were canceling them in hopes that the fire between you fizzles. With distance, desire usually fades so you only hoped that night was just your hormones acting up and there wasn’t a deeper meaning to how you felt.

Between that time, you had the opportunity to meet Gwen Stacy from 65. She was a nice girl, cool, and very much like all of you. Burdened with the sense of justice with a side of wittiness.

She was popular, especially among the Peters who had lost their Gwens. They looked at her like she was a what-if moment and were impressed by her, but you knew you’ll be seeing them on your office couch soon enough.

Hobie was practically best friends with her now. The late night sessions with Hobie were a rare occurrence these days. Like a stray, he found a new person to feed his interests.

Jess favored her the most. Reminded her of her younger days, and how impressive she was at that age—still is, as she’s been carrying a baby in her stomach while doing her missions flawlessly.

Miguel was indifferent. At least that’s how he acted. But as long as work was getting done, you were leveling up the relationship bar with him.

Out of everyone, Peter B was home to her. To see a familiar face amongst like-minded strangers had helped her settle in faster than you expected. Seeing them together made them look like family.

Because of the great reputation she had around the society, today you allowed Gwen to pull you away from the safety of your office straight to Miguel’s for what she called emotional support. There was something she wanted to ask him—a request. And she had the idea that your presence would soften him up somehow.

“Why do you think that?” When you asked, Gwen looked back at you with a knowing smile. Her hand still latched onto your wrist like a snake squeezing its prey. She guided you through the cavernous hall of tech that led to Miguel’s office, the pathway seemed to grow darker the closer you got.

“I see how you two look at each other during meetings.” She said effortlessly like it was a fact. You let out a cough like you choked on air, already shaking your head to her conclusion.

“You know he’s always leading them—what? Do you expect me to look at the ceiling or something?” Gwen laughed at this, but it didn’t look like she was convinced.

Walking in, you had expected Miguel’s office to be darker than the hall leading towards it, but it was instead imbued with a ruddy tint, and streaks of sliver threads surrounded the area Miguel was standing in. He was in the middle of briefing a few Spider-Men for a mission on Gaia-3000. Miguel always made sure to remind his agents of the canon events before going on a mission to prevent the loss of the universe. It was more important than the mission itself.

The briefing didn’t last long as Miguel noticed you enter with Gwen. His gaze could’ve riveted you to the floor, the look on his face was neither soft nor austere—perhaps aloof would best describe how he looked at you. Yet you wanted to believe there was something behind those eyes of his because not once did they leave you since you entered. 

It was until the Spider-Men walked into their portals that Miguel’s attention moved to the floating projections. The silver webs of fate orbited around him as if he were a sun. He would’ve looked occupied if it weren’t for his eyes moving between you and the projections.

“Doc.” He greeted you once you were in front of him, looking down at you through the hologram of a canon event that floated in between you two. There was a moment—just a moment where his eyes looked soft… but it could’ve been the trick of the hologram.

“Miguel.” You had to suck your lips in to stop yourself from smiling. You hated to admit it, but you were happy to speak to him after so long. Staying away from him was a selfish decision, one that you regretted now that you stood in front of him. 

Your heart thumped in bliss, the warmth from that night revisiting you like an old friend. How inane of you to think that distance would’ve settled this emotion. It was already being stitched onto your soul from the moment this agreement started—the very needle sunken in when his hand stretched out of that portal into your apartment many months ago. You couldn’t pretend anymore.

You fell for him. Regardless of whether he felt the same or not.

“Uh, I’m here too…” Gwen had a slight smile on her face, bending forward with a small wave to Miguel.

“Gwen,” you could tell Miguel forced a smile, fangs appearing while none of the light reached his eyes. It lasted a moment before it dropped to his usual scowl. Miguel then turned around to face his floating platform that started its slow descent to the ground. “I’m sure you already had a tour of the place unless you’re just here to say hello.”

“I wanted to talk to you about something!”

“If a universe isn’t collapsing, or an anomaly hasn’t appeared, then Jess can handle it.”

“But it’s important! I just figure it would make our jobs easier. You know, making sure the universes are in order?”

The rumble of the descending platform had filled in for Miguel’s silence. He peeked behind his shoulder, his eyes looking past Gwen’s and into yours before they lowered to the ground. He then folded his arms against his chest, sighing. “I’m listening.”

Gwen immediately beamed, light filling her eyes. “Okay!” You could tell her entire energy ignited. Her arms flailed with every word that left her lips. She was animated—excited, glowing like a sun rising from the horizon, its rays brighter as the seconds go by. If anyone were to watch her, they too would feel elated by her presence alone. 

But as the sun rises in one part of the world, it sets in the other. Her idea was nothing but grave to you, the dread in your face impossible to hide as she spoke with an open mind—naivety in her words. You couldn’t blame her because it’s possible no one told her yet, not Jess and surprisingly not Peter B. If she had told you of her idea prior, you wouldn’t have come here to support her. Just the thought of her idea could be considered mutiny to the entire cause… to Miguel.

You cast your eyes down, afraid to even lift them towards Miguel. You didn’t have to. You could already feel it brewing, simmering like water on a stovetop. A part of you internally begged for Gwen to shut up, or wished the sound of the descending platform was loud enough to overtake her voice. Miguel wasn’t facing either of you but you could still feel a weight on top of your shoulders, drilling you into the floors, your limbs heavier than sacks of sand.

Gwen went on and on until she was rambling, probably because she was excited or nervous. You couldn’t exactly tell. It was until the platform finally reached the ground that Gwen ended her request with a “pretty please” and a large smile on her face.

That smile didn’t last long.

“No,” Miguel spoke softly.

“Wha…” she faltered, physically her shoulders dropped. “What? Wait—why? I mean—he would be such a great asset to our group and—Probably one of the best Spider-mans I’ve met. The things he can do— He’s amazing , Miguel.”

“I said, no.” And it was final. Gwen knew that but she still pushed, making her argument, excuses, anything. Miguel silenced her with a heavy sigh, fingers moving to pinch the bridge of his nose. You expected anger when he turned to face her but no, there was nothing but sympathy in his eyes. Sympathy for what he had to reveal to her. He towered over her and with a heavy hand on her shoulder, said:

“That Miles Morales… was never supposed to be a Spider-Man. He’s not one of us. He’s an anomaly , Gwen, the original anomaly.”

At those words, it was like a string was pulled, released and an arrow soared and struck her chest. Gwen was trying to make sense of it all but nothing made sense no matter how long she thought about it.

Miguel continued regardless. With the command of his hands, the projections swirled around you three, depicting the moment when Spider-42 fell into Earth-1610, bit the wrong Miles Morales and in turn, the Spider-man from his universe died. Your real comrade.

Gwen didn’t want to believe it. Shaking her head as she stared at each projection. The truth floated around her. Thoughts ran a mile a minute. It would’ve been better if Peter B. told her instead of Miguel. Maybe if she heard it from a trusted friend, it would’ve been easier to believe. But Gwen knew there was no reason for Miguel to lie about this. What motive could Miguel have to not let Miles join the Spider Society?

“Miles Morales-1610 as Spider-man was a mistake.” His words to her were the final nail to a coffin. With the skidding sound coming from her shoes, she turned around and bolted out of Miguel’s office.

“Gwen!” You were about to chase after her until Miguel’s voice cut through the air.

“You think I’m done here?”

You physically jumped at how loud he sounded like thunder had rolled and rumbled the floor under your feet. You turned towards him and immediately you regretted it. What was brewing before was most certainly his anger, saved solely for you while Gwen was spared because of her naivety. But you—you knew better than to associate yourself with the anomaly. If only Miguel could give you a chance to explain yourself.

“Miguel, I—”

He didn’t let you finish. His hand latched onto your wrist, pulling you deeper into his office and into a room beyond the shadows. It was more like a traditional office than the one outside with a desk, a bookcase, a soft couch and some cabinets. There was even a bed that Miguel probably slept in whenever he didn't want to return home. The sheets were ruffled so you could tell he often used it but never had enough time to make it because he was usually always on the go.

However, it was the last thing on your mind when you had a fuming Miguel in front of you. He didn’t even wait for the door to close before he grabbed you a little too rough by the shoulders, shaking you lightly. Red eyes lasered down on you.

Undoubtedly, you knew he was angry, but there was something else in there.

“What were you thinking? You know what Miles-1610 is to us, Doc! You know what an anomaly could do to a universe and you still supported her idea? Did you really think that was okay? Letting an anomaly join and ruin everything —!”

“I didn’t know! I didn’t know that’s what she wanted to ask! All she told me was that it would support the society and she needed me here for emotional support! If I knew it was about the anomaly, I wouldn’t have come here!”

You yelled back louder. Miguel’s talon-less fingers buried themselves in your upper arms, squeezing them. His eyes were wide, shaky red irises searching within your own for any hint of honesty. The grip on you wasn’t as firm as it looked. Like a crane holding a prize, the slightest nudge would’ve shaken his hands off. Despite how he looked, Miguel made sure he wasn’t hurting you.

“This is exactly why I told Jess I didn’t want her to join! She’s—She’s too close with the anomaly. She can jeopardize our entire cause all because of him !” He froze after, an idea appearing in his head. He wasn’t thinking rationally anymore. He released you, turning around like he wanted to leave. “She has to go home.”

“Wait! You can’t—Let’s think about this, Miguel.”

He was quick to face you again, his hands returning to your upper arms. He bent forward until his face was at your level. “I can’t have her risk all that I built—that we built.”

There it was. It wasn’t just anger he was feeling. The signs were all there; His trembling breath, the sweat that made his forehead glossy, the weakness in his hold. 

Miguel was panicking.

It was fear that buried itself within his fury from the moment Gwen had asked for Miles-1610’s recruitment and when he thought you supported her idea. It was like he saw it again. His daughter disappearing in his arms, the weight of her so heavy… until he felt nothing—until nothing around him existed except for what remained of the universe: white light and empty space. He had the blood of that universe on his hands and no matter how many times he tried to wash them away, it was now embedded in his soul. All that existed ended because he was the anomaly of that world disrupting the canon events. 

Months after months of research couldn’t bring him the exact reason for that universe ending, but he was sure of one thing. If everything went how it was planned, nothing like that would happen ever again.

And that’s why it was his job to put things back to how it was. It was the only thing he could do to atone.

So yes, Miguel was reliving his trauma yet again.

And it was your job to relieve him of it.

“That doesn’t mean we should make rash decisions,” you told him, gently. “She’s one of our best and letting her go would slow down our efforts. You and I both know that.”

Miguel’s energy was being sapped out of him, visibly his shoulders dropped and those red eyes were no longer on you as he hung his head low. He released you and retreated to sit on his bed. For a moment, he looked like a toy that ran out of batteries, burying his face in his hands before he ran them through his curly locks.

It was so different seeing him like this—like he was moping. You followed him and stood between his legs.

“Besides, Gwen's a smart girl. She wouldn’t do anything that would put the universes at risk.” He didn’t respond or even look at you. It made you run a hand against his cheek as your thumb brushed under his eye. “When’s the last time you slept? You look tired.”

“I don’t have time to be tired. Not when there’s a Galaxy-size mess I have to clean up. With every anomaly we restore, 10,000 more just take its place. It’s never-ending, Doc. I’m like a janitor mopping up a shoreline.” 

“We all took an oath. A spider-person’s job never ends. Which is why we need to rest as much as we can to fight another day.”

“I didn’t ask for this, Doc.” He sighed, leaning his head against your hand until his cheek pushed up against it. “And I won’t be able to sleep.”

“None of us did…” you lightly smiled, “And I’ll help you.”

You pulled your hand away from his cheek, but you didn’t miss when he leaned more against it for his lips to press into your palm. The brief feel of them jolted something within you like a warm shiver struck your lower stomach. Gosh, it made you curious—too curious about how they would feel against other parts of your body.

And you didn’t miss those eyes that looked up at you, red like cherries, sweet like them too. It was hard to turn away, somewhat thankful you managed to because you didn’t want to be under their spell. You still felt the heat of them on you even as you approached his bookcase. Your palm still tingling from the feel of his lips as you pulled a book off one of the shelves. You returned to him grinning.

He was disappointed when he glanced at your book choice in your hand. “Charlotte’s web? Am I a kid to you?”

“No, but… you act like one sometimes. Lay down for me.”

You pushed against his shoulder leaving him no choice but to oblige. What he didn’t expect was you to climb in after him, settling on your side next to him while you opened the book to page one and started to read. 

Miguel still couldn’t sleep. His eyes remained open, watching the top of your head as you read. A lovely smile on your face as you tried (and failed) to give each character their own distinctive voice. When you weren’t busy turning the page, the hand that he kissed was together with his, fingers interlocked. You were so used to holding his hand by now that you thought nothing of it and ignored the warmth that spread throughout your body because of it.

“Are you finally resuming our sessions?” Miguel interrupted you, pulling your eyes away from the book and into his own.

“Only if you need it.”

You knew Miguel would never admit he needed it, especially how adamant he was about them in the beginning.

“I need it.”

Oh.

“I definitely need it.”

“Then… I’ll put you back on my calendar.”

“ Muy Bien. ”

His sonorous whisper had heat searing your cheeks, not to mention, that smile that flashed your way made his fangs look bigger—so mischievous it had you biting your lip. Immediately after, Miguel’s mask materialized around his head. Much to your disappointment.

“Do you really need your mask on while you sleep?” You asked.

“You never know when the job needs you. Have to always be on the ready.”

“Words from a true workaholic… you said you wanted a family but how exactly were you going to make time for them when you’re working all these hours?”

“Oh, I always made time for mi hija . Always went to her soccer practice. Always was there to read her a bedtime story. Take her clothes shopping. I was made to be a dad but… it just isn’t in my fate to be one.”

You couldn’t see his face, but you heard his pain. You squeezed his hand, regretful.

“I’m sorry—I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, no, no, no—It’s okay… It’s a valid question.”

Not knowing what else to say, you continued to read. Seconds, minutes, time ticked away. Miguel’s hand was still tight in yours, but his voice came out heavy whenever he commented about the book. His head was against the pillows, turned in your direction. 

Your voice must’ve been soothing him because his hand would grow weak in yours and then he would suddenly squeeze it, throwing a random comment out about the main character, Wilbur, and then trying to convince you he didn’t fall asleep. Sometimes the heat where your hands came together would make him doze off and the coolness that grew when they were briefly apart would stir him awake.

“Maybe we should’ve recruited Charlotte. She really saved that pig’s ass,” he mumbled, looking like he had sunk deeper into his bed, the pillows swallowed his head.

“Yeah, she dedicated her life to saving him. All the way to the very end. She never gave up, spending hours weaving her web, trying to convince the humans no matter how tough it got. I’m sure she may have felt like she was… mopping up a shoreline too but her actions paid off in the end… the difference is, you’re not alone, Miguel. You have us—all of us to rely on, to help shoulder the burden. Please don’t forget that—that we’re here for you.”

You expected something, anything from him, but you received nothing but silence. “Miguel…? Oh…” it was then you noticed his hand was weak in yours and when you pulled your hand away, he stayed asleep.

Finally. You couldn’t help but smile, softly closing the book before sitting up.

You watched his chest rise and fall as he lay supine against his bed. You should’ve left his office but you stayed there watching him sleep, taking in the rare sight of Miguel completely defenseless. You wished you could’ve seen his face. It would’ve been the topping on the cake.

Your fingers brushed against his arm, suddenly craving the warmth of his body.

You couldn’t deny your feelings for him any longer, but you wondered if Miguel felt anything for you. You knew how lonely men acted. As long as the body was warm and could keep them company, it didn’t matter to them.

Some part of you wondered if you were just as lonely as Miguel—that these feelings were just because you craved for someone. Maybe it was even the reason why you sprung up this agreement in the first place. After your divorce, you became married to your work, the only thing that mattered was your patients as a therapist and the people you saved as a superhero. You abandoned yourself, shutting yourself off from the world within your white-walled apartment. It was why you looked up to Miguel as much as you did because he was the one who pulled you out of your darkness. So you were hoping you could do the same thing for him.

But you knew your heart beat too strongly for it to be just feelings of loneliness. It longed for him even when you were this close to him, wanting to be surrounded by the warmth that emanated from him, wanting to be touched, kissed, and held only by the man who saved you, your guiding light while you were lost at sea.

Your hand moved to caress his cheek, feeling the fibers of his mask under your fingertips. You were leaning closer to him, unable to resist like a moth to a flame. God, you were completely enamored by him. Looks like he didn’t need to look at you to be under his spell.

For the first time, you didn’t think about the consequences. For the first time, you were mindless.

You pressed your lips against his lips, closing your eyes. It was softer than you expected; light, feathery and warm. Too warm . It was brief but it was enough to light a flame within you that burned when you pulled away. Your breath shuddered as you inhaled, the warmth lasting only a second.

Your eyes opened, but you found yourself stilling. Miguel’s eyes were still closed, though half of his mask was dematerialized to the tip of his nose. His lips were out, free from the fibers.

Your mouth hung open. Miguel had removed half of his mask when kissed him and you hadn't a clue if he was asleep all this time or not.

The remainder of his mask dematerialized and you were face to face with those eyes of his. Your heart skipped a beat, knocking the air from your lungs as your palms grew sweaty. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

You felt so much pressure under his gaze, his face not quite readable. You flicked your wrist towards the ceiling and a web shot out, preparing yourself to run away until a glowing red web wrapped around your wrist and riveted you in place.

“Not this time, Doc.”

------------------------------

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[dayurno]

i think it would be so cool and delicious to read renee from your point of view. anything. jeanee. kevjeanee. dean/renee. anything. please.

ive written dan/renee before actually!!! it was for a writing game and its in the same verse as my burlesque au :) its a very old piece so please be mindful of that, but here u go:

2 — A small, fleeting kiss — which is immediately followed by a passionate, hungry kiss.

Burlesque is a pompous, smoke-filled, luxurious industry —  one that Renee has been part of for too long. 

From the years of shiny costumes and coy music, Renee had compiled a lifetime of purple bruises on her thighs and knees, a small fortune made up of tips, and one too many fleeting crushes on the just as fleeting dancers Renee had the pleasure of working with. It is certainly ironic, in a way, that though Renee's job is by the most part making the men fall in love with her —  an easy task, really —, it is the women that she trails after at the end of the day.  

It is just as ironic that, with Kevin and Matt as exceptions, it is women that Renee works with. Burlesque performers are in their majority female, which might be the most pleasant part of the job once money is not on the table: Renee had lost count of how many hours she'd spent watching her fellow coworkers prim themselves for a performance, everything from Katelyn's discreet lip gloss to Allison's over-the-top rhinestone craze, each more beautiful than the other as they align themselves in the dressing rooms. 

Renee Walker loves women. It was not news to anyone —  certainly not news for some of her coworkers, whose warm hands Renee had felt on her for more than just rehearsal —, and it could never be contested, however blind the men who come to the Foxhole may be. 

So it made sense, of course, that the moment Danielle Wilds walked into that dressing room was the moment Renee's train of rational thought came to an abrupt stop. The rest, as one might know, is history.

A Friday night has the Foxhole dripping from head to toe in visitors, the anticipation of the audience rumbling through their small dressing room as the first performers of the night finessed the last details of their performances near the exit, coached by a rather unamused Nicky. From the other corner of the room, Neil —  newest addition to their line-up, nearing his debut stage but just inexperienced enough to be Kevin's prodigee —  is being thoroughly handled by the aforementioned, who was just as impatient at styling their fellow performers as he was meticulous at it.

Renee couldn't see what Neil looked like over Kevin's wide shoulders, but she doubted there was anything to worry about: Burlesque is not all talent, and as long as Neil is able to sell himself to the audience, he'll be finer than most.

Allison had just left the seat near Renee unoccupied to practice her routine for one last time before going up on stage when Dan slipped into it, her dark skin shimmering with glitter under the artificial lights as she leant her elbows against their shared vanity, bright pink wig falling over her shoulders in waves.

They had a shared number, today —  Renee's wig, though a pastel blue in contrast with Dan's bright pink, reached under her chin in a graceful bob cut, matching with the naturally short nature of her dress, as sparkly blue as her makeup. In front of the mirror, they looked like a matching set; someone's wildest dreams come true. 

Dan's red lips open in a smirk, all white teeth, and Renee hates every inch of her, from the dangerously short hem of her skirt to the thigh highs that draped all over the dark skin of her legs, an image Renee couldn't forget even if Dan allowed her to. 

"Already got your good luck kiss from Reynolds?" Dan hums, brushing through her wig with carefully manicured fingers, her tanned hands part of Renee's most common daydreams. 

Renee hums back, running a hand through her wig's blue fringe. "Jealous?" she asks, the glossiness of her lips only as heavy as the glossiness of her eyelids. "A woman like you has no need for jealousy."

"Not jealousy," Dan disagrees, turning to consider Renee in her entirety. Dan's eyes are so dark they're almost black, molded by eyelashes so long and thick Renee felt the urge to reach out and touch —  it was the kind of stare no one could turn away from. Her tinted lips moved slowly as she said, "I have no one to be jealous of."

"Oh?" Renee replies, averting her eyes from the way Dan's skirt riled up ever so slightly as her legs crossed. "And why is that?"

Dan motions dismissively, the nonchalant depiction of arrogance. "Our girls are pretty, but they're not me," she clarifies, "and you don't do boys."

In spite of herself, Renee's lips tug into a smile. "No, I do not," she answers, leaning back on her chair. "If Allison heard you saying that…" Renee smacks her lip gloss-filled lips together, trailing her sentence into the ground.

"Allison can have anyone else she wants," Dan hums, in that ruthless way of hers Renee can only hope to keep for as long as Dan lets her have it, "as long as it's not you."

Renee leans closer —  just to see what she would do, really; how far Dan was willing to show just how much no one else could have Renee —, and Dan's fingers close around her chin immediately, manicured long nails brushing against the soft skin of Renee's cheeks. "See?" Dan asks, almost in a purr. "I don't have to prove a point. You're about to break your neck for just a kiss."

She hums in agreement, hands coming to rest against Dan's exposed knees, the warm skin singing under her palms. "One kiss, Wilds," Renee drags out as Dan leans in, "and just one. You wouldn't want to ruin your makeup."

"Not mine," Dan agrees. "Yours, I would."

"And survive Kevin's scolding?" Renee brushes her nose against Dan's, feeling the fingers on her chin tighten. "Aren't you eager?"

"Aren't you?"

Renee presses a kiss to Dan's inner wrist, letting her mouth drag through Dan's pulse. "Self-restraint is a virtue."

Dan makes a sound of agreement. There is a lipstick mark on the inside of her wrist, courtesy of Renee's dark makeup, but she doesn't bother to wash it off as she tips Renee's chin back for a quick, short peck. 

She's about to pull away when Renee's hand closes around her wrist, keeping her close. Dan's red lips close around a smug smirk, and Renee barely cares that they're in the dressing room. "Where's your virtue now?" she prompts, infuriatingly arrogant. "I don't see it."

Renee tugs her close, and Dan follows. 

Their mouths brush, lipstick against lipstick, and Renee snarls, "Shut up," before pulling Dan into a heavier, deeper, longer kiss, her hands coming to rest against Dan's neck to keep her close, thumb dragging up and down her jugular.

[gaudebo]

Ahhh thank you for the long response!!

Mostly his story with free will was because I had watched a campaign once where a guys character (non-orc. It was a different type of character, a made up one by the dm) had a similar storyline but very much more slavery-ish. So I had tweaked it a bit and made it into my story because slavery definitely made me uncomfortable in general since it's not my story to tell. I do 100% get the ickyness with the way it was beforehand, I think In general I had less of a slavery Outlook because he chooses to be a part of the group and can change his mind whenever and leave and stuff like that, but there are a few things that could be tweaked especially with the way I describe them!!

Ever since I realized the racism with orcs I started thinking of ways to re-work the "work for hire" thing and I was thinking maybe a guild like you were talking about !! (kinda like the companions in Skyrim) and I do enjoy that idea a lot better because instead of his whole story being "wow I do what people tell me even though I could choose not to" (which didn't really make sense 100%) it can be more "I am MORE than what I can do for people, and too many people underestimate me and I deserve to be happy even outside of my family, who I've lost, and can find people who appreciate me" kind of thing.

I'm really glad I read what people had to say on orcs and racism because before I did, it never really clicked for me. So I didn't put together how these things are because of that and how orcs stories have been so problematic because of that and I never would have thought about the possible issues with it (your post from like 2022 included lol).

The story is staying between my friends and I for the most part but I still wanted to change things once I realized everything.

I really like the idea of my friends character genuinely wanting my character and his help and because of that my character is a bit surprised because hes not used to people needing him for more than what the job he's accepted said of him.

I think a main reason I thought of the "does whatever they say thing" is 1.) Because of the other campaign I watched. I loved the other character because he was so well played and his interactions with characters and stuff were fun (I also like big guys who are secretly very caring which this character was) and 2.) Because in my head the services were usually very "you're being hired to follow me into this quest" thing, whether the quest was long or short. But I like the idea of it not being him being told what to do all the time and more "this is the job. you need to get the job done to get paid. If you don't get it done you don't get paid." and maybe sometimes people act as the "leader" of the group and kind of boss him around and he doesn't always listen to show he doesn't have to.

Also about the Skyrim npc thing I totally get that! I don't like how there's not many really good orc npcs and 99% of them are just violent. I just love being able to play one and giving him the life he deserves, a happy little house with a chest filled with cool stuff and a garden. And a bookshelf with all the books he collects.

I'm sorry this is so long I'm just glad to have someone to talk about this ! Ive been in love with fantasy lately (ever since I finished the book legends & lattes and loved it) and especially orcs and im excited to start making a story with my friend and maybe solo stories. - ✨

Hi again! Sorry once more for my late responses, I am in the blender in life.

I always think it's good when people reexamine their biases especially with things they enjoy! It's easy to overlook the negatives with things you're passionate about so I am glad you're taking the time to think about how to make things Better. Especially with fantasy and even More especially with DND and similar settings, there's a lot of being inspired by what's already been written but there's a tricky balance there too as much of the pre-existant lore is... unfortunate!! (I am looking at you, orcs. and drow also.) I'm happy to hear about your orcs that are living happy lives and making interpersonal connections and doing well for themselves! We need more of that!

No need to apologize ^^ my ask box is open! If you ever want to DM me I am usually lurking around for that too. It may take me a bit to respond (oof) but not because I'm not open to it! Have a nice day :]

[fagmegumi]

ok this got a few likes so i guess there’s interest so here it is. This definitely reflects my interest and bias so do ur own research! get lost in anilist’s really thorough filters! Get weird with it!

in no particular order:

- Lensman (1984) is the second ever anime to use CGI in a bit at the end where the protagonist gets lost in some kind of demonic cyberspace. The entire movie is on youtube and the bit im talking about (which is all ive watched lol) starts at 1:25:45

- Pop Team Epic (2018) if you havent seen it already uses a variety of mediums including different types of stop motion (with paper, fabric dolls, clay etc) to animate its shitpost sketches and its truly a delight

- Heike Monogatari (2021) looks like a traditional Japanese painting come to life. No surprises that its amazing since it comes from science saru, the studio savant director yuasa masaki (who will appear again on this list) established to experiment with bleeding edge technology.

- FLCL (2001) Look, you knew this was coming, i knew this was coming, we all knew this was coming. But come ON. this shit was made with 2d digital animation in the YEAR TWO THOUSAND and it STILL looks better than most stuff from today. do you even remember what computers were like in the year two thousand??? this is an anime KNOWN for being insanely creative with animation, famously letting all its animators do whatever they wanted in their scenes. some of the scenes weren’t even story boarded by the director. They animated MANGA PANELS for chrissake. they did a SOUTH PARK bit. i will not rest until all of my followers have seen this anime idc. just pick any moment from this video and its guaranteed to blow your socks off.

- the tatami galaxy (2011) if you haven’t seen this show WHAT are you doing. im not even gonna say anything ill just drop the trailer here and let it speak for itself.

- Pingpong the animation (2014) i know, i KNOW. an anime about ping-pong? but seriously, just LOOK at it. after tatami galaxy this is our third and final yuasa joint of the night. The man is a genius.

- akira (1988) you know this had to be on the list. im not even gonna drop the trailer because if you follow me theres no way you havent seen at least a gif of this movie. You’re welcome.

- sonny boy (2021) hey so do you guys remember this little anime, it was sort of popular a while ago, kind of niche, it was called “one punch man”? yeah so the guy who directed that basically did such a banger job that studio madhouse handed him a bunch of money and resources to write and produce his own original anime (NOT adapted from anything) and he made one of the great philosphical treatises of our times, no lie

- Keep your hands off eizouken (2020) i was really trying to keep this list free of links to cr*nchyroll yt but there are no other uploads of this scene and I really need you all to see it. Not only is this anime GORGEOUS, its story is really good, the humor is funny and the characters are SO endearing. Very much an “anime for people who dont like anime”, the girls have realistic (and therefore unusual) designs, theres not a bit of fanservice in sight, just a feel good story about three friends making anime for passion and fun.

- angel’s egg (1985) okay so theres not a lot of cel animation in this list and you may be thinking, hey m.a., dont you always say cel animation is your favorite kind (you insufferable hipster)? but theres a reason for that. Because of how time consuming cel ani is, most cel anime that I would consider visually appealing (eva, rgu, kite, etc) do so by using their resources very smartly and creating evocative, striking, atmospheric imagery through a mixture if photography and direction. some of the most memorable images in evangelion are barely if at all animated (the holding cell shinji misato and ritsuko alternatively end up in, the escalators down into the bowels of NERV hq, the infamous elevator scene, and of course the still of shinji in unit 01 holding kaworu). Tldr cel animation is VERY pleasing to the eyes when its actually animated (see akira) and its unique limitations push directors to be especially creative and talented (the opposite of whats true for digital but that’s another rant) but most cel animated stuff is… well its pretty and its nostalgic but its not technically impressive from a pure animation perspective. but there are some exceptions. lo and behold: the entire angel’s egg movie by visionary director oshii mamoru, on youtube dot com.

- mononoke (2007) this is another one where i dont even need to say much. Just LOOK at it. the fact that this exists is a marvel.

- samurai champloo (2004) HA! you thought i was gonna put bebop on this list didnt you? well jokes on you. one day maybe i will write my “champloo is better than bebop, YES really, NO im not just being a hipster” rant but that day is not today. the trademark watanabe swagger and swashbuckling and the inventive and brilliantly animated fight choreography that characterizes his stuff are in their full glory here. this truly feels like looking at a real life fight between swordmasters - youre legit gonna have to watch at .5x or go back a bunch of times to catch everything they do. its glorious. also i want mugen and jin to sandwich me who said that.

ok im kind of tired of typing and i think I managed to cover at least my favorites so heres some honorable mentions: panty and stocking, kill la kill regrettably plus trigger needs at least a little shoutout, devilman crybaby yes its good yes i stand by it you can fight me on this but it wont go well for you, mars red, bocchi the rock but you’ve probably already seen it, mob psycho if you havent seen this yet what are you even doing, sayonara zetsubou sensei but im warning you its very anime, urotsukidoji if you’ve got the stomach for it lol.

Maybe I should make a list of anime with good and interesting animation so more ppl can get taste lol

[griffinsmith]

another jackerita au post ?? but from margherita's perspective this time ... i have been ignoring her for too long margherita babey im sorry

its been like a year and a half since I came up with this stupid au and ive never once made a written post that’s mostly about margherita’s role in the jackerita au. That is criminal and im fixing that now sorry girlboss. Also she deserves a bigger role in the plot in general so !!! heres whatever this is

For just some backstory on her: Margherita has literally 4 lines of dialogue so there is not much to go off of for her help me. She says she is a master of the opera nova school of Valencia so Ive always headcanoned that she, just like she says, works at said opera nova school. She has quite the set of pipes and is an incredible opera singer, along with being an expert duelist. Margherita is quite proficient in the art of the sword (again, just like how she says in the battle with her) and when she’s not teaching her students how to sing, she’s teaching them how to duel

One of Margherita’s cheats states that she’s studied in Crab Alley, so I’m going to take that and run with it. Margherita not only studied there, but she also spent some time traveling the spiral before settling in Crab Alley as her place to study music (essentially she took a gap year). This traveling happened right after she finished her primary schooling (with crab alley being where she spent the majority of her secondary schooling) and while she toured the spiral, she visited Marleybone, and guess who she ran into there.

Margherita and Jackall first ran into each other in their late teens/very early twenties (think 19 or 20. Wow just like my age fr), bumping into each other in the Ironworks. Jackall was looking for some scrap metal for an automaton he was creating, as he was just starting his secondary schooling to become a mechanical engineer, and Margherita was just plain lost while trying to sightsee. The two got along swimmingly, bonding over their aspirations that others had frowned upon: Jackall was hoping to land a job at Barkingham Palace as their head of defense, and Margherita wanted to become the most famous opera singer Valencia had ever known. Once their conversation had ended, they promised to keep in touch after some time spent together.

And keep in touch they did, writing letters often, and Jackall frequently making his way across the spiral to see Margherita’s opera performances and Margherita visiting him in Marleybone every so often. Both were extremely supportive of each other’s achievements in their careers.

About ten years pass between the two of them meeting and the events of Barkingham Palace. Margherita has a well-established teaching spot in the Opera Nova school of Valencia, loved by her students and fellow faculty members, and can duel the pants off of anyone she fights. She enjoys reveling in her stories of her time at Opera Nova to Jackall when they visit each other.

Jackall, on the other hand, has gone from just as enthusiastic as she over his job to being bummed out. His passion for inventing mechanical creations to better defend the palace seems to have been dampened by his fellow Barkingham staff members who prefer traditional guards to the palace rather than his automatons. For as long as Margherita can remember, Jackall has always been enamored with the concept of bettering oneself and the things around oneself, and it appears as though he hasn’t gotten to dip his toes into this concept in a while. The spark she once saw in his eyes diminishes a little bit more every time she visits him.

Margherita doesn’t quite get losing your passion for something. Until the Opera Nova school starts rearranging its budget. Teachers stop getting pay raises, student size shrinks, facilities aren’t updated. When Margherita and her fellow teachers try to get those in charge to do something, they respond that they’re already doing all they can to keep the school above water. Margherita is heartbroken that the students she’s loved teaching and watching grow into real opera performers begin to lose their love for their study, and can’t help but feel like she herself is losing her love for it, too.

Margherita relays all this information to Jackall during one of her visits to Marleybone. During this visit, for once, it seems like their demeanors have switched. Margherita cannot remember the last time she’s seen Jackall this energized, full of life. It’s like he’s 5 years younger, the look in his eyes gives away that he’s bounding with a new passion for everything. Margherita cannot quite place why.

That is, until he tells her that he’s come up with something incredible. He describes to her a new concoction he’s made for himself – one that makes him stronger and pumps the adrenaline through his system like nothing else. He’s finally reignited his passion for life again, he tells her, but he adds that he cannot keep his creation’s effects going for very long. But even still, he’s able to do things he never could do without it.

Jackall is purposefully very vague with his descriptions of what his potion does. He sells the creation off as something that energizes and makes you stronger, like what the potion was supposed to do, but he never once mentions that the damn thing makes him turn into a more selfish aggressive version of himself - That’s tucked quietly under the rug. As I mentioned in this post, Jackall is so tired of working at Barkingham and not getting to do what he wants that he’s willing to permanently turn himself into a more grotesque version of himself if it means that he can get what he wants (nevermind that this would mean that he would be hound forever and would never go back to being anything more than an unshowered impulsive violent mirror version of himself. Jackall come on why didn’t you think this through). The point is, Margherita never learned about Hound before the heist.

Margherita is happy that Jackall found something that excites him, but she wonders why he’s telling her this. Why does he want to turn into a different version of himself full time? She likes him how he is. But she does soon get her answer.

Jackall proposes to her that she and he go on a heist together: Steal the Queen’s jewels. It’ll be a grand adventure for them, some bonding! Margherita can use her superior dueling skills to best the dreary guards at the palace while Jackall takes the jewels to perfect his alchemical solution and become his ‘best self’ forevermore.

Margherita’s not super on board with the idea (stealing the queen’s jewels? When did jackall get that idea?). She’s participated in her own fair share of duels in back alleys, and she’s even stolen some gold before when she was in a pinch, but both of those experiences were far in the past. She’s a respected faculty member for one of the most famous schools in Valencia, she cannot just go galivanting around and get her face slapped onto a wanted poster.

Or so she thinks at first. After turning Jackall’s proposal down, she thinks that’ll be the end of that. Until Jackall lets slip that he’d let her keep the jewels after perfecting his chemical solution. The jewels that adorn the Queen’s crown would fetch quite a pretty penny on the black markets of Valencia, wouldn’t they? And that money could be used as a charitable donation to Margherita’s beloved Opera Nova school, Jackall adds. As soon as the heist is complete and Jackall’s become his better self, he promises he’ll let Margherita take the stolen gems and do whatever she wants with them.

The proposition now seems much more interesting to Margherita. Using the hefty sum the stolen stones would get her, Margherita could breathe new life into the school she loves so much. The crumbling fixtures in classrooms could be restored, higher paychecks would be written for teachers, and new students would practically flood the gates to get in! And hey, why not go on a heist adventure with her closest friend? She trusts him a whole lot, and she knows he trusts her back. After a quick moment of reconsideration, Margherita accepts Jackall’s plan. She’s in.

Also quick note on the whole ‘jackall calling margherita his “Lieutenant” thing’: there’s not really much to say here other than Margherita was certainly jackall’s right hand (wo)man throughout the barkingham heist since she did a lot of the string pulling with him to make it happen. Jackall calls her his lieutenant because it sounds more official than just calling her his ‘person who’s got his back’.

For two weeks, the two work together to concoct a plan to break into the palace (Margherita extends her stay in Marleybone and plans to return back to Valencia as soon as the jewels are hers). As someone who works in the palace, Jackall is able to bring any news of new developments to Margherita for them to brainstorm a way to steal the queen away while everyone in the palace is distracted. Jackall offers they use a noxious gas spewing golem he’d never gotten to use as a palace defense mechanism to render the palace’s guards defenseless, and when Margherita hears from him that an opera singer will be performing at the palace soon, she suggests they bribe said performer into allowing them to sneak in with her crew.

The plan falls into place quite nicely, with Margherita and Jackall working to secure some additional goons to help them with the heist. Margherita works on getting Catrin Cheshire bribed (from one opera singer to another) and Jackall hires Poole and Utterson as back up for the airship’s defenses. Everything looks like itll be going according to plan.

Until it doesn’t. Jackall and Margherita hadn’t accounted for Bones and Watson patrolling the scene, and a wrench gets thrown in their plans when the Young Wizard shows up. Margherita stays positioned on the rooftop the entire night as Jackall carries out the queen kidnapping, and nervously sharpens her swords as more and more cops pour into the palace. Then, when Jackalls finally loaded the Queen into the airship, the young wizard arrives and Margherita faces off with them. Filled with determination and knowing Jackall will defend her if anything goes awry, she battles her heart out.

And as we all know, the young wizard defeats her. This was already unexpected for Margherita, but the most unexpected part was Jackall turning against her. As she catches her breath after the fight, she hears him ascending the ladder to the airship, * without her *, and yelling at her that she’s disappointed him and that he sarcastically hopes she enjoys Newgate. Margherita barely has time to process what just happened when the Barkingham guard arrives on the rooftop and places her in handcuffs, but she has enough time to tell the Young Wizard to go after Jackall.

During the journey from the palace to Newgate, Margherita is seething enough to the point where if you put sand in her mouth and gave it a second, it would have turned into glass. Her life as she knew it would never be the same, and she’d never be able to go back to teaching at the Opera Nova – they would not approve of a wanted criminal who assisted in a queen kidnapping teaching students. Sure, she was mad at getting caught, but she was mostly enraged at jackall up and abandoning her. It.. hurt. This heist was supposed to be something they were doing together, and for her to leave her in the dust the second she loses one duel … it’s not sitting well with her. The decade of friendship and mutual trust the two had for each other is shattered instantly with this moment. Margherita never wants to see Jackall again.

So imagine Margherita’s surprise when Jackall gets tossed into a jail cell right next to hers. Upon seeing her, Jackall quickly blubbers out an excuse and a half assed apology. Margherita decides to ignore this and grabs Jackall’s neck through the jail bars and strangles him until the guards pull them off each other. Jackall earns a well-deserved black-eye during this skirmish and it does not leave for two weeks.

After few months into their life sentences, Jackall does give Margherita an actual apology and tells her how sorry he truly is, how he should never have let something as stupid as his chemicals get in the way of their friendship, how he doesn’t quite know what got ahold of him. He says he was so focused on achieving his best self that he let everything else fall to the wayside. He asks her if she’d be willing to break out of Newgate together, and she begrudgingly accepts, giving him a second chance. It'll take a while before she can fully trust him again, but she's willing to give it a shot, and Jackall is extremely grateful for this. Secretly, she's glad to have her friend back.

From here the au is basically the same as before from Margherita’s side. The two break out of jail, live in the shopping district, and stuff goes on from there. The only change is that Jackall is still struggling with nightmares of Hound threatening to take over, but he does not tell this to Margherita. She still thinks the potion he made gave him boosted stats and power, and nothing else. Even in Jackall’s genuine apology to her, he did not let slip that the adrenaline from becoming his alter ego clouded his best judgement and hopes that she’ll never find out about Hound, especially not in their new lives in Wizard city.

We’ll see how well that works out . anyway that’s it that’s way too many words oh my god

[aperrywilliams]

I don’t know you anymore/Part I (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif!)

Masterlist

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V

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Summary: Reader has to do something before her relationship with Spencer get worse.

Word Count: 1850.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences. Angst.

Warnings:  References to discussions, sex, sadness, low self esteem. If you are or were in a relationship with this kind of thing, please be careful.

A/N: The idea came from a Savage Garden song titled "I don't know you anymore". For now this fic will be oneshot, but I'm willing to do more parts if you think the story deserves development and perhaps a better ending for fem!reader and Spencer.

——————–

With my clothes packed in a suitcase I left it at the side of the apartment entrance. I decided to wait for Spencer sitting on the couch. It was already night and I knew he would come home soon. He had traveled two days ago for a case to Wisconsin. The morning he left to that trip was our last argument.

Don't get me wrong, when we started our relationship two years ago, we rarely argued. We were always glad to be people who settled their differences by talking and being peaceful. But in the last three months things had taken a turn with which none was comfortable. I knew it and so did he. But neither of us wanted to assume perhaps everything was already lost between us and it was time to step aside and end the relationship.

What changed?. I tried to answer that question many times through those past three months. Natural exhaustion of the relationship? Maybe. His demanding job? Probably. My need to control the uncontrollable? Much of that too. Spencer's desire to "fix" things that can't be fixed? Of course, that is in his nature. My wish that things were as they always were and not accept people can change? Definitely yes.

After a lot thought, I came to the conclusion that after his prison time, he and I began to see life in differently way. And I swear I understand him so much. I swear to understand this type of situation can change people tremendously. No, I have not experienced it. But he did it and I could see the changes on him. He became a man who suspicious on everything and everyone, taciturn, silent, even more immersed in his job than before. I'm not saying that he has stopped loving me one day to another, but I do believe our priorities changed drastically, and therefore our relationship. No, he didn't become violent in a toxic way. I could never say that about Spencer Reid, although sometimes I felt like if I was the worst thing in the world thanks to his words. And is that his excess of sincerity many times collided with my hypersensitivity. I do not blame him. But it wasn't my fault either. So... what we could do about it?

So ours discussions started. The first few times were brief, quickly ending with a "sorry" escaped from our mouths. We recognized maybe the other could be having a difficult time and it was not fair to "expand" something for didn’t worth an argument. Then they turned into longer discussions, ending with one of us locked in the bedroom and the other trying to "reason", sometimes successfully, sometimes sleeping apart, but fixing things the next morning . The most severe ones were those in which no one of us was able to say "I'm sorry" and where saying "I love you" was almost a protocol to finish arguing, but without getting anywhere. Sometimes we replaced "sorry" with rough sex so in that way we could discharge our own anger and annoyance, demonstrating to the other that despite everything we needed each other. Even if it was just in a bodily way

The extreme arguments ended with Spencer traveling for a case and not talking for days. And so it was last month: the trips were more frequent and longer. Almost without telephone calls and only a few text messages. Under that scenario, I decided it was time to do something about it. I didn't want to know how far we could go if neither of us did anything to end this escalation.

I felt his footsteps in the hallway and the turning of the key on the doorknob. I was still sitting on the couch, looking out the window. In silent. The room only illuminated by the lamp on over the coffee table.

"(Y/N)?..." was the first thing he asked after closing the door and realizing I was on the couch. He left his bag hanging on the rack, as well as his blazer.

"Hello Spencer" I replied. In the calmest voice I could, though I was breaking me inside without even saying a word. I couldn't tell if he already knew what would happen until that minute, but I think if he didn't already know, he could have guessed when he saw my suitcase next to the door. This was how he slowly approached me, looking at me standing with his hands in his pockets at a safe distance.

"What is your suitcase doing at the entrance...?" he asked cautiously, almost out of courtesy I thought.

"I think you know what my suitcase does there..." I said dryly. It was evident he had already noticed it, but he surely wanted to start by pretending that nothing happened.

"Can we talk about this?... you're rushing things ". He came over and sat on the couch next to me.

"Yes. We can talk. That’s why I decided to wait for you. I wasn't going to leave without giving you an explanation”. It was true. Despite everything, we deserved a goodbye face to face. I wasn't going to leave him a letter to avoid looking him in the eye for the last time, although I knew that would completely break me. It was fair for both of us.

"You don't have to leave. We can fix this, seriously. Please, let's talk, leaving me is not going to be the solution to our problems” he said, trying to dissuade me. Surely he thought was not a conclusive decision. Sure he thought I was pressuring him with my "supposed" departure to ask me for forgiveness.

"And what is the solution to our problems? Do you really know?". I don't know if I expected an answer to that, but I felt like I should ask anyway.

"To try. That is what we must do. We deserve a chance” he said taking my hands. I had to muster the courage not to push him away and try to stop shaking.

"How many chances Spencer? ... Can't you see this is hurting us?" . A sob tore from my throat. I could not avoid it. I could see how he bit his lower lip trying to stop the tears that also came out of his eyes.

"The necessary... we need to try the necessary. We can't throw away all this time we've been together… where we've been happy, haven't you been happy with me (Y/N)?”. One of his hands began to caress my cheek. It was more tact than I could tolerate on his part without me falling apart right there. I gently removed his hand from my cheek.

“Of course I do. I have been happy with you Spencer. And I'm not throwing this overboard. That is my reason precisely: if we continue with this it'll end up killing any good memory we have about our relationship, don't you see that it is not possible to fix what is already broken? You don't trust me anymore, and I feel like I don't know you anymore… you are someone else, you want other things… ”. I could see how Spencer froze upon hearing my words. He doubted what  was going to say to me, he opened his mouth many times without words could come out. Until they did.

“Is this how you want to end it? Giving up?” He said getting up from the couch and returning to his place leaning against one of the walls with his hands in his pockets.

"If you call 'giving up' stepping aside from this for the well being of both... then yes, I’m giving up...". I managed to say before beginning to cry openly.

“Please (Y/N), let's try it one more time. I love you, don't you love me?...”. He pulled his hands out of his pockets but was unable to get close to me. I tried my best to calm down before speaking again.

"Spencer, I love you with all my heart. I love you so much that it hurts. It hurts me not to recognize you, and it hurts me not to recognize myself. And what hurts me the most is not living up to what really you need. Not be the woman your deserve Spencer”. Until I finally said it. What I tried to show him all these months I was finally telling him.

"But what are you saying? How is it you're not enough to me?... Where did you get that...?". He looked at me in a daze. Perhaps it was the only thing he not expected from my speech.

“Look at us now. Tell me, what can I offer your life? What special thing can I give you?. A genius, an FBI agent who saves people lives from the worst tortures in the world , who has gone through so much in these years. You are a person who live and breathe for the job you do, passionate about knowledge, who could have any beauty and intelligent woman at his feet, who could live without having to stop in life routine with someone who does not understand your world... who doesn't accept you like you are…". I couldn't continue talking. I sincerely hoped he would understand. He walked over and sat across from me at the coffee table, taking my hands again trying I could look at him.

"It's not true what you're saying (Y/N)... you can't really think that..." But yeah, I thought about it. And I was sure I was right and he knew it . I was just a stone in his shoe. I was not allowing him to move forward. He deserved more than I could offer him. That was the sad truth.

"You know it's true Spencer. This has been the reason for our estrangement all along. I will never really understand what you do or help you get what you need in life. I'm holding you back and that's what I least want in the world, precisely because I love you. You deserve more than I can give you". And that's it. It was done, I said what I really felt and it was time to act. I got up from the couch. Without saying anything, he got up from the coffee table too. I looked him in the eyes, just like me, tears fell from them. With the last strength I had, I wiped the tears from his cheeks with my thumbs. I walked over and gave him the last kiss. I wanted my last memory to be the softness of his lips in contact with mine. He tried to deepen the kiss, as if he wanted to hold me back. I pulled away. He tried to speak.

"(Y/N)..." was the only thing that came out of his mouth. I'm sure he was taking in my words and looking for meaning on them.

“Goodbye Spencer”. I looked away from him face. I walked to the entrance, took my suitcase and left the apartment, not wanting to look back. My life with Spencer Reid was over in that moment.

——————–

Remember: Let me know if you think the story deserves development and perhaps a better ending for fem!reader and Spencer.

[varusai]

who do you think is the most dateable dark matter thief?? i know you have an opinion and i need to hear it

sorry for the late response anon i honestly had to think abt this one for a few days lmao, but yeah i have opinions. below the cut bc fr i have opinions, all of them have major pros and cons (based on my characterization at least) and really i just have to break it down for u

Boros, everyones obvious first choice, but certainly not mine.

Pros: rich, tall, pretty, fun af, passionate, will kill for you np, give you anything you want, literally anything.

cons: has a god complex, doesnt respect you, not his number one priority at all, will forget about you once its not interesting for him anymore, probably argumentative/combative af, is very very smart and has no problem manipulating you in all the worst ways, is very entitled so he will never feel bad about anything, cant win arguments either bc he’ll want to settle it with combat, will get offended over little things just to argue bc he thinks thats fun

this is a relationship you’d get into if you literally have nothing to lose and dont care about your mental health. like hes hot but this shit would be toxic af and he will ruin your life and leave you to go fuck around and fight someone on the other side of the universe. this will be the best of times and the worst of times for you and you will never be the same afterward mentally or emotionally. the only way i would even consider it is if i lost my damn mind. The only way a relationship with him would ever work long term is if you were physically stronger than him and were capable of putting him in his place OR you were smart enough, suicidal enough, and interesting enough to him to engage in some psychological warfare and reject him if he asked you. Make him chase you for years, say yes, then decide that /he’s/ boring /you/ and leave him for another member of the squad to just destroy their established hierarchy and humble him to the point that he’s obsessed with you.

i dont have the energy for all that, so i’ll just smash and pass.

0/10 completely undateable

Geryuganshoop, also a probable second choice for many:

pros: cute, nice, tentacle alien (obviously), will respect you np, will also give you anything you want, not antagonistic at all, telepathic communication so no risk of miscommunication, emotionally intelligent and available, loyal to a fault,

cons: horrible boss/best friend that you will have to listen to him vent about for at least 3 hours a day, complete yes man as well so he will not tell boros no or cut him off and you will be stuck dealing with this no matter what, severely mentally ill and wont go to therapy bc he thinks hes handling it well, workaholic, needs a lot, and i mean A LOT of attention

this relationship would be great if not for boros lol. boros sabotages his social and romantic life but geryu has been friends with him too long to either cut him off or establish boundaries. he has no backbone (figuratively and literally) and wouldnt even consider it. he’ll ignore you in favor of his job too, to a massive degree. also i think that while the telepathic communication would be a major plus in most cases, here i feel like i’d have no less than 16 different, never before seen on earth, mental illnesses projected right into my brain just from being within a certain radius of him.

im already fucked up enough in that sense so pass unfortunately.

it would be a yes without boros in the picture tho lmao

so prob like 4/10 iffy datablillity, 1 level increase with each decade of therapy he gets tho so a lot of potential :D

Groribas, my fav girl:

pros: straightforward, realistic, very clear expectations, will not fuck around with you whatsoever like there is no mind games or anything here, will kill for you, rich and non materialistic so she’ll basically just let you do whatever with her money since she doesn t care about it, cares about her job but like...a normal amount. she absolutely has a good work/life balance, highly organized so she will not forget important dates, loyal af and will defend your honor under any circumstances, mean but in a funny way, a ton of fun to hang out with if you’re into that, no eyes so i dont have to worry abt eye contact ever

cons: extremely high expectations, like exhaustingly high, and not even a bit of flexibility there, if you dont meet the cut its a no, she’ll let you know and leave same day, she will also bully you, you need a thick skin and great sense of humor to survive, bad at feelings if you need emotional support???? go elsewhere, shes mega emotionally unavailable, will probably want to share bodies as a form of intimacy

overall its a solid 6.5/10 dateability for me i love the directness and no bs approach, we would def get along well. however, while im not sensitive, shes def gonna hit on some insecurities at some point and it will cause an argument lol. but i mean whatever. it happens. the body sharing would be an issue though, same reason i wouldnt be chill with having a symbiote despite being a major venom fucker. i need my space i cant deal with that. so thats a possible deal breaker if she couldnt get over that lol. and she wont, so we wouldnt work out. i wish it fuckin would tho😭😭😭 i would take whatever crumbs of attention she would be willing to give me

Melzalgald, my fav they/them bastard:

pros: amorphous and shapeshifting aka extremely attractive according to my taste in monsters, tall af but could chose to be a more reasonable survivable size lol, self contained and self-entertaining so they dont need a ton of attention to be happy, funny af, rich, will give you whatever you want and probably a bunch of shit you didnt know you wanted, very fun, built in friend group if you didnt already have friends, extremely emotionally intelligent and great people skills due to living in a collective, stupid af by choice, like some of em are very smart, but they dont claim that, will say fuck work and tell boros to eat shit to spend time with you, will kill for you as well, but only if you ask them to bc their first inclination is to just bother someone to death, very loyal, once they like you they like you really forever, it would take some pretty extreme circumstances to make them dislike you

cons: annoying af and its unavoidable, will talk over you, all of them at once will talk over you and do so loudly, no respect for personal space, they dont even know what that is, will probably accidentally manhandle you, they act stupid but arent so they can be manipulative, even if it isnt bad and they dont really mean to be, impulsive, forgetful of the needs of organic creatures so they will bother you at all hours of the day and night if you arent firm with boundaries, disgustingly extroverted and will bring randoms to your place without asking, or just...make new cluster members and you have to roll with it, will eat or absorb literally anything you have, will antagonize and bother you for fun, major jump scare risk since sometimes the forms are....fleshy

this ones hard for me like theyre hot af and i feel like they’d be super fun and good partners, but god....the noise. idk how long i could deal with that lol i dont like people in my house. it would drive me up the wall, but then again...i can simply kick them out when ive had enough. they arent projecting mental illness directly into my brain or requiring me to share a body sintelligento major plus. creepy thing/symbiote style hot monster without any of the invasiveness so tbh 8/10 dateability

some people date loud annoying extroverts who dont understand personal space that /arent/ rich, loyal, or emotionally intellegent so i’d be winning on a few different fronts lmao

[sugarless-suki-writes]

First Lines Meme

Tagged by @nikkxb -- sorry it's taken me so long to get to this, lmao

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!)

See if there are any patterns.

Choose your favorite opening lines.

Then tag 10 authors!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just kinda went to my recents on my google docs, so this is gonna have a mix of stuff, some original stuff too. ye :3 but I'm starting with fics that I currently have posted online. All of them are the first paragraph of the update that's in progress

Favorites have bolded and italicized titles :3

1. Sobriety || KouKag

Kagome had three sessions of therapy so far and she wasn’t fully sure how to feel. She knew it was helping her, but she was left feeling so.... raw and open after every session that she felt like she was just back pedaling and it was hard to cope with. A part of her wanted to just stop altogether and go back to self medicating, but she knew that this was just part of the process. The first couple sessions were going to be hard because there was just so much to unpack, but her therapist was nice and calm and patient with her. She really had to thank Kouga again when she saw him later today.

2. 100 Arms, 100 Years || KouKag

This was the fifth day that an offering had been left in front of Kagome’s door for her. The fifth time she would receive the carcass of a large animal that she wouldn’t accept. The fifth time that Inuyasha found himself in front of her and Kikyō’s shared hut and bringing the carcass to the village for her. His fifth time taking the credit for a hunt he had no part in. He had to admit, this was quickly grating on his nerves. He hated the attention that he was getting from the villagers now. They praised him for shit that he didn’t do. That, and he didn’t want to be praised for anything. It was bad enough that he practically had the Sacred Jewel within his grasp and wasn’t able to use it to become a full-fledged youkai, but now he was being celebrated as a hero by some mere humans? Keh... they’re lucky I don’t tell them what this is all actually about. I bet they wouldn’t be so happy then. He sniffed and scratched at his nose. He talked a big game, but Inuyasha knew deep down that he would never do anything to hurt them. If he did that, that would in turn hurt Kikyō and he couldn’t do that to her.

3. Big God || KouKag

Kagome let out a frustrated huff as she shoved her phone into her pocket. She then plopped down onto the couch, tucking her legs up underneath her and curling into Kouga’s side. “That’s the fourth test we’ve ran, and we just... can’t figure out what the hell that stuff is... It’s so frustrating!” she grumbled.

4. You are the Moon || KouKag

Kagome took care of dinner that night, going out to pick up a few things she would need before returning home and cooking. Her mother tried to talk her out of it, but Kagome insisted, wanting to give her mother a break for the night and do something nice for the family. She missed them, and she wanted to make up for being gone for so long.

5. The Demon of Nabewari Yama || KouKag

Kagome let out a small huff as she looked up at the mountain she was heading towards. She had been traveling for several days, bordering a week now, looking for somewhere to settle. However, all the villages she had come across already had a miko or monk residing there, and if they didn’t, they didn’t want one. To be fair, there weren’t many villages she had come across between her hometown and here, and sure, maybe she should go further out after completing her training, but it was still just a little frustrating.

6. Seasons of Love || ZelGan

Zelda looked herself over in the mirror, and the corners of her lips pulled down into a small frown. Her hair was pulled up into an extravagant updo, several locks braided and pulled into the bun that rested on the back of her head. There were some flowers pinned in as well, all of them white in color. She would have preferred something with a pop of color, so they would stand out against her hair; but she figured that, in the end, everything had to match her dress.

7. Gerudotown || ZelGan -- Title may change for this, idk lmao

Ganondorf let out a grunt as he dismounted from his horse. The beast was large with a jet-black coat and a matching mane. He gave the steed a pat on his neck before handing the reins to a stable boy, holding back a chuckle from the look on the boy’s face. He was certain the child had never seen a beast so big, nor a Gerudo, based on how he was looking up at Ganondorf with wide, disbelieving eyes.

8. Shit, Let's be Pirates || DaveJade

Jade ran down the dirt path leading to a hidden beach. She had just gotten out of class and was eager to go down to the coves. She wanted to find some cool shells and snap a couple pictures for her biology class. She always went above and beyond in that class, but she just had a passion for marine life.

9. Changing Fate || ZelGan

“You can’t possibly be serious about this, father!” Zelda snapped indignantly. Her hands were balled into fists at her sides and her face was contorted in rage. King Rimoll let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. They had been at this “conversation” for what felt like hours. He didn’t expect it to go this badly. Of course, he didn’t expect it to go well in the first place, but this was beyond what he anticipated.

10. Moon Bonds || KouKag

All Hallow’s Eve. A powerful night for witches and magick users alike. A night that better helped connect them to the spirits of the earth and those who had been lost. It was a night that Kagome looked forward to every year. The surge of magick that tingled under her skin and filled her very being... by the goddess it was an amazing feeling. And this year would be even more delightful and powerful.

11. Princess and the Pirate || Amuto

Growing up, Amu had been told many stories about pirates, everyone on her small island had. But Amu felt as if she had heard more than most. Her mother would tell her tales before bed about the pirates on a ship called the Emerald Line. Despite the name of the ship, its hull and sails were completely black. The only speck of color was the pirate flag it flew, which was emerald green and depicted a cat head with crossbones beneath. It was also known to be the fastest ship to sail the seas.

12. The Black Card || KouKag

Kagome paced around her room in her tiny apartment, struggling with picking out an outfit. It was her first day off in a while and she wanted to look cute, seeing as she wouldn’t be restricted by her, somewhat lenient (semi-strict?), dress code at the bookstore. However, she also wanted to be comfortable, so she was at a bit of an impasse. It wasn’t really as big a deal as she was making it out to be, but she was exhausted and she hoped that dressing nice would throw Sango off her trail. With a huff, she finally settled on a nice sundress she had stuffed in the back of her closet, one she rarely wore and almost forgot she had. It was light blue in color with a floral print.

13. Harvest Moon || KouKag

Kagome stretched as she woke up that morning. She opened her eyes and saw the torn-up ceiling and frowned to herself ever so slightly. She had moved into the country several days ago and had only recently started working on repairs that her home needed. It was a pretty large house, but the rent was extremely cheap. The only downside was she had to pay for the repairs, but in all honesty… she wasn’t too bothered by it. Apparently the house had been abandoned for years. No one was really sure how long... but Kagome could take a guess that it had been at least a decade with how worn down and dirty things were.

14. Memories || Original Fic - No Pairing

Lotus looked around at the scene before her. It would be an easy job, simple. She could do it in her sleep no problem. She scoffed and looked at the man beside her. “Really? You need me for this?” she asked. He turned to look at her, a scowl on his face.

15. Any Way the Wind Blows || ZelGan

Zelda woke up to the sun on her face. She grumbled and grunted, rolling over onto her side on her small mat. She opened her eyes and looked out ahead of her, at the grass and flowers swaying in the breeze. Her stomach gurgled and she placed a hand on it, a grimace on her lips. Food...

16. Found || KouKag

When Kouga had heard that there was a disturbance along one of their borders, he had been prepared for anything. He pulled together a team quickly, not taking all the strongest warriors, making sure to leave some behind to protect his pack. They ran off, ready to fight. Ready for anything. Anything except this.

17. Interlude IV (Showtime) || KouKag

O Signore, per amor del tuo nome, perdonami la mia iniquità... Perciocche ellà e grande Kagome sat there in the street, blood seeping through her clothes and soaking her knees. Tears continued to stream down her cheeks in a never ending flow. Her breath kept catching in the back of her throat as she tried to force down her sobs. Her hands were curled up into fists, pressed against the pavement, soaked in blood and in pain from being clenched so tightly and pressed so firm against the rough asphalt. Regret, despair, and guilt crushed her heart. They squeezed tight, holding onto her and keeping her trapped in the moment. A moment she’d rather drink away and forget, only for her guilty conscious to bring it back in her dreams at night, keeping her away from the blissfulness of sleep.

18. Bubblegum & Nicotine || Original Fic -- Astrid/Loki

Astrid opened the door to the apartment and latched her keys onto her belt loop. She then bent over to pick up the bags of groceries she had set on the ground to unlock the front door. Once she had crossed the threshold into the house, she raised up her right leg and kicked the door closed behind her. With a bit of a grunt, she hoisted the bags up a tad higher and made her way to the kitchen. She set them down on the counter with a thud and took a moment to catch her breath. She may be in good shape, but carrying several pounds of groceries up three flights of stairs because the elevator was out? That would wind anyone.

19. We Are Complicated || Bubbline

Bonnibel Kaugummi entered the school and was quick to drop her things off in her locker so she could head straight to the Student Council room. She grabbed a couple of her books out of the locker and shoved them into her messenger bag. The tan colored bag complimented her uniform, which consisted of a grey sweater, a red ribbon tied into a neat bow, which was neatly tucked underneath the collar of her white button up shirt underneath her sweater, and a red plaid skirt. The red accents to her uniform identified her as a Junior, and they complimented her red-orange hair and rosy complexion.

20. The End of All Things || KouKag

Kagome let out a soft sigh as she curled up in her spot on the bench, bringing her legs up to her chest. She was sitting out on the small deck that overlooked the garden in her backyard and watching the rain. It was fairly cool out thanks to the constant drizzle that had begun early that morning. The sound of it pattering against the ground and roof that extended over the deck filled her with a sense of calm, a calm that she desperately needed right about now. Working as a nurse wore her out. She loved her job, of course, but gods if it didn’t have its trials and tribulations. She had been working almost every day for a solid two weeks now, covering shifts for people on top of her own. Thankfully she had a couple of her shifts taken from her after being at the hospital for a full 24 hours at one point in time. Today just so happened to be her natural day off, and she felt pretty great about it.

[hanjislabig]

Hanji's Past

"Isn’t it worth trying?"

————-

(Thats an extract from a story me and my friend write. An evening with Levi and Hanji, eating crackers, drinking red wine and talking about old wounds.)

Hanji looks at Levi with loving eyes. "Offer up your beating hearts... that’s a really serious promise... at least that’s what my mother always said." She takes another cracker and slips it into her mouth, while relaxing on the bed again.

Her last sentence makes Levi sit up. "You've actually never told me much about your parents, how comes?"

"There’s nothing special I could tell you,” she answers his question and shrugs casually. “But what do you mean, I already did tell you some things.”

"Right, you did", Levi says. He has noticed her unusual reaction to his question immediately. "But only a few things from your childhood. I mean - what else? Are they still alive, are you still in contact with them, do they know about me, whatever."

Hanji remains silent for a moment. She often talks about her parents casually, but rather with the intention to displace the latest happenings. The ones that she’d rather ban out of her mind completely. Now she gets confronted with everything again, she doesn’t hate to talk about what happened, but she’s definitely not keen to tell it everyone.

Hanji takes a deep sigh before she changes her position and sits up, pulling her legs against her body and wrapping her arms around them. "You really wanna know? I mean you don’t have to ask out of politeness.“

Levi changes his own position a little bit. "Sound like there's something that's not easy to talk about", he says. "So I only wanna know if you wanna tell me."

Hanji sighs again but nods then. She props her chin on her knees and starts thinking where to begin.

"So, my father was a scout in survey corps. He always used to be away for long periods of time, when they went on expeditions. Besides he always needed to leave for Trost to work. In his free time though when he was at home, he did a lot of stuff with chemistry and architecture. I loved to read in his books and rummage in his stuff,“

Hanji chuckles lightly at the memory.

"Altough i didn’t understand anything of these academic textes. You know I just wanted to seem as smart as did. So I assume his interests somehow woke the interest in me too.“

She sighs.

“My moms a botanist. Sometimes she also cared for the kids in our neighborhood. We also had this huge lively garden where I spent a lot of my childhood in. She planted her flowers everywhere, it was beautiful, especially in spring when everything bloomed. Sometimes I simply sat the whole day in the grass, watching the insects flying around and doing their tasks, listening to the birds... I loved the nature, I remember that.“

From one moment to another Hanji gets more serious again and it seems like she came back to reality.

"When I was 12 years old, my father died,” she continues with a voice that doesn’t reveal much, “he was one of the deceased of an expedition. My mother and I didn’t know much about titans back then, no one has ever seen one, they were only known through stories. When I was a child... we didnt have these wall problems yet,” Hanji stares down on her feet, lost in her thoughts.

“We got the message over a letter from the commander. That my father died in war against the so called titans.”

Hanjis eyes narrow, almost not noticeable while she speaks about the titans. Even if it’s only for a short moment, it seems like her attitude towards these monster changes.

"Before that happened I never considered joining the sure corps. I didn’t even think about it. It was nothing more than the job my father had. But after I got to know he got killed by titans...“ she falters, "... I think that could’ve been the trigger for my Titan obsession. But not exactly like I see them now, no... I wanted retribution, revenge, justice for what happened to my father. I got obsessed with titans because of all the hate I carried in myself. So I guess that was the moment when i realized I want to avenge my father and I decided from one day to another that I’ll do the same job as he did. I wanted to kill all of these titans everyone was talking about and afraid of."

Hanji swallows with a dry throat and takes a brief break.

"Like I said, I was twelve years old at this point. My father passed away only a few months before the recruitment for the next legion started. I was completely convinced that becoming a soldier would be my destination so I... I let myself get registered that day... but without telling my mom...“

Hanji lowers her eyes and gazes at her hands, a feeling of guilt coming over her.

“This lead us to heaving the worst fight ever. It was... something worse ive ever experienced in my entire life before at this point,” Hanji can’t help but pulling a slightly pained face as the memories flash her, “I told my mother that I was joining the corps. And she said no. And I said yes. My mother...I realize it now... she was so concerned and frightened. If I just imagine this... her only daughter wants to do the exact same job that got her husband killed only a few months ago."

Hanji presses her lips together.

“She didn’t want me to go... but I didn’t listen. I didn’t care, I thought she’d be too selfish to let me go... how could I-... I was too young to understand how the love of a mother works..."

Silence again.

"I packed my few necessary things and left my mother behind. I was so furious, you can’t imagine. Full of blind anger and a raging, ambitious heart. I can-... still see her face... this expression in her eyes when I-... when I left without turning around a single time...”

Hanji slowly shakes her head in disbelief and breathes out shivering.

“That was the last time I saw my mother. I’ve never seen her again since then.” She has to look away from Levi, her facial expression tormented and hurt as she remembers what happened back then.

Levi listens to her the whole time without saying a word, just focusing on her story. When she talks about her life back then he feels a little pain in his chest. It sounds more than beautiful. So beautiful he's having a hard time even imagining it.

He finds it hard to believe such a happy childhood is even possible. But then he learns how that happiness ended. It's just a story like all the others, nothing they haven't heard a hundred times before. And still it's not. Because it's her story. Her pain, her motivation, her reason to choose the path she chose, the cross she has to bear every day.

There's this picture inside his head, a twelve-year-old Hanji, fuelled by sorrow and hatred, trying to turn that pain into power. This part of the story seems much more familiar and Levi thinks to himself that at least she had something to focus her anger on. In his own story there was no bad guy, no-one who had ruined his life and still it was ruined. So he turned his hatred against the whole world, but the whole world is a bad enemy.

Levi continues listening and it doesn't get better. He feels sympathy for Hanji's mother, what her daughter did to her wasn't fair. But still he doesn't blame Hanji. She was young, passionate, furious, had a goal. If she was anything like she's now that made her unstoppable. But back then she didn't have the far-sightedness to realise how what she was doing affected the person who cared about her most. Sometimes she still doesn't.

Hanji's wish to join the survey corps is just as understandable as her mother's for her to stay. It was a tragic situation with no possible outcome that would have been good for everyone. Still Hanji should have handled it differently. She knows that and this knowledge tears her apart. This is why Levi forgives her immediately. He's as sure that her mother would forgive her as well as he's sure Hanji won't ever. Maybe that's why she suffers from guilt issues whenever something happens to the people and creatures around her.

For almost two decades she's lived with the knowledge that it was her who has caused a person close to her pain and she never wants that to happen again. But whenever something similar happens she thinks it's her fault automatically. The fact that she hasn't found the courage to see her mother again since surely makes it worse. Hanji probably thinks she's a coward, which doesn't exactly help her build self-esteem. Levi moves a bit closer to her and starts massaging her neck soothingly.

"Thanks for telling me this", he says after remaining silent for a while. "What happened between you and your mother is really bad", he begins carefully.

"But you know that you did her wrong and that's the first step in the right direction. You didn't mean to hurt her back then, you just did what we all have to do at some point, you chose how to live your life. She shouldn't have tried to stop you, that's probably what she's telling herself every day, but she was worried. And you shouldn't have left without talking to her about it, but you were a young girl who had just lost her father and got it all wrong. It's awful how it ended..."

Levi stops for a moment and his voice changes.

"...but it didn't end. You're alive, she's alive, thank whoever you want to thank for that. So many of our next of kin are dead, there's no way we can sort anything out or be united with them in this life again. You've got that chance so many of us dream about. Take it."

He gives Hanji an encouraging nudge.

"You've forgiven her and you love her, there's a high chance she's forgiven you as well and I'm a hundred percent sure she loves you. So what are you waiting for? You love each other, you miss each other. You've both made mistakes but we all do. If there's any way you can talk things out and become a family again, isn't it worth trying?"

[sortagaysortahigh]

This is personal so yall can keep scrolling idc fr

Honestly Idk if its the colleigate depression, seasonal depression, depression depression, adhd, anxiety, job stress, my fingers being unusable or what. But I think ive officially hit the last straw and I have no motivation to write at all. Like genuinely I see no point in writing because while I do think my writing is bad-horrible even,i literally gag when I have to reread something I’ve written-i still used to love writing but lately I don’t really think I love anything.

Like ik Im a huge shit posting bitch, and I love to rant and I talk about things im very passionate about and yall know i be oversharing and shit like that but I just kind of lost all of my compassion for things, and the entire reason I’m posting about this is because its one of the realities of mental illness. My depression in combination with my adhd have gotten so bad that I genuinely cannot focus on anything anymore, I zone out and then my mild depressive episodes turn into major depressive episodes. I dont get those random surges of energy that I used to, and honestly I miss it. I miss being able to work with my mental illness and not having it work against me.

I do love everyone who follows me, whos constantly interacted with me, the people that still tag me in everything and that im in groupchats with. I genuinely love all of you because truth be told when this quarantine started the shitty ass boat show and it’s fandom really kept me afloat. Like i had just gotten better, I was thriving, it was finally getting hot outside and my seasonal depression was finally plummiting, but then my uni shut down and I was really spiraling so I said fuck it and watched that horrible fucking show, and decided to come back to tumblr and see what the fandom was like and im honestly so thankful for that.

This isnt one of those dramatic ass “im leaving tumblr” posts, its literally just me sitting here struggling to type because my hand is fucked up at three in the morning. I need somewhere that I can talk about my mental health and shit like that without it being attached to my real identity if you get what I mean, only a handful of you know how I look, know how my voice sounds, know where I’m from, etc so it’s like this is a safe space for me because of the anonymity it provides me. In my day to day life I’m so busy, I have people constantly talking to me about ten million things, i have to host events and meetings and be a TA, I have to be featured in instagram lives, I have to represent organizations and my university. I have so much more ahit to do and people know me, they know that version of me and I’m genuinely not comfortable with showing most people the 110% real version of myself that I’ve partially shared with yall.

Like people don’t know about my weird ass fandom fixations or my shitty writing or the fact that I eat ass. People don’t know how annoying and obnoxious I can get, like people don’t really get that vibe from me but it’s like on this blue hellsite-ive always been able to be that version of myself and in the past like 8 years that ive been here I’m glad.

But of course this is where I talk about the fact that I’m not myself right now, idk what the fuck is going on in my life and for once I’m actually afraid of what’s gonna happen in the future. I’m nit addaid of change, I love that shit, but this year, being in college, being black, being latinx, being a woman, being a lesbian, like all of these things that ive been so comfortable in are starting to feel like icky? Like i don’t know myself anymore-I don’t know the bitch I see when I look in the mirror and I don’t even know what I love to do anymore because it feels like I’ve grown numb to the world around me.

Idk, things just feel off. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm-or maybe I’m already in the storm. Whatever the fuck is going on has me questioning a lot of thing about myself.

[human-trash-fire]

Beautiful Disaster: Chapter 5 (Pynch Soulmate AU)

Alrighty my loves, this chapter has been a labor of love from the beginning. As you continue reading you will see art pieces and each is correlated with a song (those will be at the end), and references yet again will be made to the EMFS playlist (Ronan’s rehab playlist- I’ve actually made it on spotify! you can find it here)

As usual you can find this story on Ao3 @ glam_reaper 2 if you’re interested <3

TW: Mention of suicide attempt, a panic attack though not super descriptive, cannon typical language.

Iv.

You,

I made a friend last week.

I know for most people that wouldn’t be a big deal, but I assume by now You understand what that means for someone like me. I guess “friend” may be a generous term? I don’t know if we are there yet, Blue definitely disagrees with him “on principle.” 

You see, President Cellphone as she calls him, or Richard Campbell Gansey III (I know, what a douchey fucking name) is all boat shoes and privledge and perfect teeth. Gansey isn’t someone I’d normally associate with mind you, Henry kind of met my quota for rich extroverts in the inner circle, and yet…

So, here’s the story. I’m writing my last letter right? And I was so fucking lost. I decided to walk home from Nino’s- I thought maybe it would help me settle. And there, right around the corner is this fucking ‘73 camero. It should have been beautiful, really.. A classic like that? It’s a dream to look at. Only this fucking thing is the UGLIEST color of candy orange you could ever imagine… And it’s blowing smoke all over the damn place. I was honestly going to leave boat-shoes to call his daddy or mechanic or what have you, but he looked so confused. I offered to help him out and was able to get it running long enough to get to Boyd’s.

I expected him to just drop off “The Pig” (the car) like any normal person and come back for it, only I apparently made “quite the impression.”

Gansey ended up staying with me, prattling on about his Masters History program and some welsh king the ENTIRE time I worked on the damn car. At first I was tuning him out, but without realizing it I became completely entranced by the whole story. I’ve never seen such passion for anything, and I have VERY spirited friends.

He has one of those voices you know? The kind that can stop a room, raise an army, lead a nation. The kind that demands to be heard without ever having to raise itself.

That’s Gansey though.

I think he’ll be good for me, I don’t think he’d give me much of a choice in the matter though to be honest. He kind of adopted me this week? That should bother me and yet, being around him is just… It’s being included. It’s a sense of purpose.

I think he needs it too, he doesn’t seem to talk about negative things but you can tell, he’s haunted by something. That’s what solidified it for me really. He may be a senator’s son but he’s seen some shit. 

I wish you could have met him, I wonder if you would have been as intrigued by him as I find myself. 

Blue is being a total idiot about him, but I’m about 82% sure it’s because she is into him. I know for sure the feeling is mutual. It took Gans approximately 15 minutes after meeting Blue to ask me for her life story, offend her beyond measure, and then haul ass out of Nino’s. It was the first time I’d seriously laughed in so long. Have you ever been second-hand embarrassed for someone? It was that. 

I’m going to wrap this up now though, I need to head to Nino’s for my shift, Blue’s working so of course Gans is stopping by. He said he’s bringing one of his best friends with him, some dude named Noah. Apparently he’s pretty cool, so I’m moderately less apprehensive. He said he wished he could bring his other best friend/ his and Noah’s third roommate but the guy is staying with family for a few months or something. Idk? He doesn’t talk about the other roommate much. I honestly don’t even think he’s ever said his name. Who gives a shit though, I can barely handle one new friend, let alone a 3-pack of Ganseys. Good God… I hope Noah isn’t another Gansey…. Fuck.

Welp.

Here goes nothing.

*****

It started with a not-so-subtle idea from the esteemed Dr. Allen. “Show me what happened.” Ronan was never great with words before all this, and since… When he spoke it was usually a litany of curse words. So Dr. Allen had suggested art. In the weeks since his entombment in this fine rehabilitation center, Ronan had kind of already been doing what he was being asked to do now. Though, he didn’t mention it to Allen. He’d spent countless hours sketching his life, the whole thing, in snapshots inside that beautiful leather sketchbook Gansey had given him. 

He started at the beginning, pictures of Aurora and his brothers, the Barns, his father playing guitar by the fire. He drew their family vacations, the cows he used to sneak out and sleep beside when he was a child, the feeling of winning the Tennis State Championship when he was 15. He drew the bad things too, his nightmares, his drug-trips, that old stained couch in the basement of Kavinsky’s house. He put every piece of himself, all 22 years of memories down in that book, woven together with song lyrics in the margins. 

So when Dr. Allen asked him to look specifically to his addiction and create, he didn’t see a problem. He needed to return to school with a series anyways, Declan had called to inform him that strings had been pulled to allow him to finish his final semester at Georgetown, but he needed to walk in with something to show at the January exhibition. Two birds, and all that.

He settled on 7 pieces, each done in oils on canvas, each accompanied by a song. 7 moments in the life of his battle with addiction, from the beginning to now. With each stroke of his brush he felt infinesmally lighter, pouring his grief into the images before him. 

It started with “The Fall.” His father’s murder in reds and greys; fracturing lines and deep shadows. He mixed his paints with tears and used his heart to drag color across the canvas. For the first time in years, Ronan allowed the memory to consume him. He’d re-lived it plenty of times in his nightmares, but this was different. His hands shook, jagged strokes of anger and confusion bleeding through. He painted the brief moment, the final moment, when his world was whole before his teenage mind finally realized what it was he was looking at. His last free breath. And he painted his screams, the cacophony of pain, endlessly mixing with sirens until his vocal chords gave out. 

He drowned the canvas in un-kept promises and hung it out to dry with childhood dreams.

Then came “Chasing the Void.” It was a story told in stark lighting. High beams on a backroad, swirling smoke and broken bottles. It was white glasses and white-powder lines on shark-nosed hood. It was going 115mph, bones rattling with the beat of the bass in his sound system. Ronan painted a black tattoo, used the blood on his knuckles to tint bloodshot eyes. His brush moved with his mother’s disappointment and his brother’s anger. Whimsical lines and Gansey’s head shaking when he found Ronan passed out yet again. He painted the highs and lows when sobriety reminded him that he hated the face that stared back at him in the mirror. 

Each new piece he added to the collection was brought to Dr. Allen’s office. Together they worked through each memory associated with the piece and slowly Ronan felt the weight on his chest lighten. 

Gansey visited every Monday and Friday like clockwork. He kept Ronan apprised to all the goings on of Monmouth and updates on Matthew and Declan. Ronan never asked for them, but he appreciated it regardless. His current obsession though seemed to be a new friend, Adam something. He had been going on for 30 minutes now about how this man single-handedly raised the Pig from the dead. Ronan tuned out most of the conversation, but nodded at what he assumed were appropriate moments while sketching.

“Ronan, are you even paying attention?” Gansey asked, irritation only slightly evident.

“Mmm?” Ronan hummed. “For sure. Pig. Smoke. Some new guy.”

“Essentially. I was saying that Noah and I are heading to his second job, the man works 2 jobs and is getting a masters can you believe it? Anyways Nino’s, so Noah can finally meet him and Blue. Have I mentioned her yet?” 

Blue? He thought. Who the fuck names their kid Blue. “Once or twice.”

“Well they both work this afternoon, so I assume we’ll just hang there until they get off. Then maybe grab a bite. I wish you could come, I’m sure you’d get along nicely with Adam.” Gansey said, choosing to ignore the previous sarcasm and barrell on. Excelsior. 

“Doubt it.” Guy sounds like a douche.

“On that note, thank you for another lovely visit. I’ll see you Monday, Ronan.” Gansey gathered his coat and made his way to the door with a final wave.

Ronan waved back with a single finger and a saccharine “Bye, Dick.” Then shoved his Airpods back into his ears and lost himself in the EMFS playlist.

*****

As Adam gathered the tub of dirty dishes from above the trash and made his way back to wash them, he was lost in thought. These last two weeks, recent events, had been so much and yet he strangely was beginning to feel some semblance of peace. He knew that Blue had wanted him to write letters to help him cope. If he was admitting to it helping, he also needed to be honest with himself in noting that it may have been hurting just as much. He was falling in love with a ghost. A figment of his imagination that he could tell his every secret too, someone who listened without judgment; Someone who never asked more of him than he could handle. It wasn’t healthy, wasn’t what Blue had intended, of that he was sure. But, if it brought him peace and allowed him to sleep without seeing cold, dead eyes, then what was the harm?

He rinsed the mugs and plates loading them efficiently into the dishwasher, and dried his hands. As he moved to toss the towel into the bin, he heard the bell chime above the cafe door. He made his way slowly to the front, knowing that Blue was currently handling the register meant that he didn’t need to rush. On his way down the hallway he stopped to straighten a missing cat flier on the community bulletin board, taking a moment to snap a picture of the cat in question so he could be on the lookout, then continued toward the front; eyes glued to his phone.

He rounded the corner towards the coffee bar to the tune of laughter, it seemed Gansey had arrived. His eyes found Blue first. For all her insistance that she loathed the man in question, she was positively glowing, head tossed back in a hearty laugh. Lost in the bubble of charm Gansey operated in. 

“-And so I asked him, mind you I’ve had a lot to drink at this point, ‘Hey senator, why do you fucking hate poor peo-‘ Oh! Adam” Ganseys story of embarrassing his mother at one of her Republican fundraisers interrupted, as he caught sight of Adam sliding behind the bar.

“Hey Gans,” He smiled. 

“My apologies, this is Noah.” Gansey stepped to the side to reveal the man in question, and Adam’s breath stopped. 

There, eyes blue and wide with shock, mouth agape stood the man from the alley. The one whose scream still haunted Adam in the dark, solitary hours of sleep. The one that began his every nightmare of that night.

He was different now, tears weren’t pouring from his eyes to dance across the plains of his smudgey face. His blonde hair free of blood was slightly tousled, and his clothes were clean, albeit a little disheveled. 

“No,” the word was a broken noise, barely a word at all, closer to a sob. Gansey and Blue looked frantically between the two for what seemed like an eternity before Noah spoke.

“It’s you…” 

“Who? Noah, you know Adam?” Gansey’s voice was quietly confused.

Adam began to shake his head slowly, increasing with speed as his breath finally returned to him; Erratic and wild. Crocodile tears blurred his vision, and he finally croaked a simple question, “What… What was his name?”

“Ronan.”

“Oh, god” Blue breathed. 

Adam ran, desperately fleeing the scene and chorus of his name called from the front. Ronan, his name was Ronan. Adam couldn’t breathe. His pain fresh, an un-mendable wound reopened now that he had a name to grieve. He paused, only long enough to grab his messenger bag from the back, and took the alley door. 

Then he ran, faster than he’d ever remembered running. Tears turning the colors of the world around him to a haunting watercolor. His breath came in painful stabs, each beat of his bleeding heart an excruciating truth.

He somehow made it back to his apartment. The moment the door closed behind him he fell against it and slid to the floor. Ronan Ronan Ronan-

“R-Ronan.” He spoke the name the first time aloud, the feeling of its weight on his tongue was an answer to a question he’d been asking for a month. For a lifetime.

Adam didn’t know how long he sat on the floor, grief taking time and twisting it in on itself. An amalgam of pain, hopelessness, and questions. Gansey, Gansey knew Ronan, knew Noah. Noah the boy he’d last seen carted away in the back of an ambulance covered in red red red. Noah, who’d screamed for help like the world was shattering. Noah, who’d clung tightly to the shredded arms of a bleeding man in a dark alley.

Help me, his mind screamed, his internal voice morphing into Noah’s from that night. 

Help me, I’m not okay…

A key twisting in the lock above his head brought his attention to the present. Adam pushed away from the door, and waited as Blue made her way into his dark apartment. Night had fallen sometime since he’d been here, on the floor, lost in the alley. Lost in a name.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Th-that was-”

“I know. Noah told us after you left. Adam, there’s… Adam. I need to tell you something.”

It was a concentrated effort to drag his gaze from the space between their bodies on the floor to meet her eyes. Lights from the street poured through the window in the living room, painting Blue’s honey warm skin in a haunting glow. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, so he waited. He watched. She brought a trembling hand to his, her brown eyes lined with silver, she squeezed.

“Adam, he’s alive.” 

A sob born of heartbreak and pain tore from his chest, he couldn’t form words. He broke then, completely and wholly. Blue came to cradle his head against her chest as he cried. Every hope he’d killed since the alley came barreling to the surface; All the pain and confusion, love and questions, beating like waves against the shores of his mind. Some minutes later he finally raised his head and met Blue’s eyes, her smile was wet and broken. He dragged his hand under his nose, across his eyes, and finally found the word to the question he needed to ask. “How?”

So Blue told him. Apparently, him finding Noah and Ronan in that alley, the tourniquet he’d made of his scarf, that extra minute he’d bought him had been enough. The doctors were able to stitch his wounds, and though it had been a close call, he’d pulled through. She explained that he’d had a hard life, though Gansey wouldn’t give details because he insisted those were Ronan’s to share when he was ready. He did however give her basic facts. Ronan Niall Lynch is an artist, a senior at Georgetown. He’s an orphan, and a brother. He’s an addict in recovery at a facility in Arlington, and Gansey’s third roommate. 

Blue explained that, when Adam was ready Gansey and Noah wanted to meet with him, to talk more. She offered to accompany him when that time came, but they all agreed they wouldn’t push him until he was ready. “Thank you,” he’d said to Blue. For getting the information. For telling him. For allowing him space. She understood that his history made this difficult, an addict for a soulmate was something he would need time to process. She eventually asked if he wanted to be alone and when he’d told her “yes” she kissed his forehead, and made her way to the door.

“Adam,” she paused, and he looked up. “We’ll wait on your text okay? Whenever you’re ready. But please check in so I know you’re safe.”

“I will.”

With a perfunctory nod she slid back out the door. 

Adam spent another minute in silence before dragging himself from the floor. He made his way in a daze to his desk and he collapsed into his chair. Slowly, he pulled out a blank sheet of paper. 

His hand shook.

He took a deep breath.

He wrote.

V

Ronan,

You’re alive…

**********************

Art Pieces and their correlating songs (linked):

“The Fall”  The War- SYML

“Chase The Void”  For What It’s Worth- Malia J

[queenmaracasandlove]

You’re My Best (Sex) Friend Series - Roger Taylor x F!Reader - Part I

Word Count: +/- 2500

Summary: Roger and Y/N are sex friends and everything is fine until they realize that maybe it could be something more. Can be read as Roger x Reader or Ben!Roger x Reader, help yourself. 

Warning: Mentions of sex and some fluff

A/N: So this was supposed to be only an OS but I really liked the story so it’s going to be a mini-series. As of now I’m planning on it being made of five to six parts. I would love to know what you think about it! Also I’ve never done that before but would you be interested in a taglist? 

MASTERLIST

PART II PART III PART IV PART V

Roger and Y/N were hooking up occasionally. It was nothing serious and was quite convenient for the both of them. Y/N did not want to settle down but she did not want to wake up next to a new person every other day. As for Roger he knew he could trust Y/N and it was quite pleasing to share intimate moments with someone he knew rather than a groupie, at least from time to time. Of course sex between them was also extremely satisfactory. Y/N was familiar with the band for a few years now, she had worked in a pub where they spent a lot of time when they were still starting up. Things had changed quite a bit and they had just finished recording their fourth album.

Roger had phoned Y/N so she would come at his place and listen to the new songs. She had come to some recording session but he knew she was really excited about the final product. She was genuinely passionate about their work and always gave an honest opinion which he highly valued. They had listened to the complete album and watched two movies before casually ending up bonking, the music playing once again in the background. Y/N was riding Roger and finally came for the second time of the afternoon. She was never disappointed and it wasn’t long before the drummer finished himself off on her stomach.

“Oh that was good” Roger said

“Agreed” Y/N said

There was something special between the two of them. After all this time they knew how to please each other and they were rarely disappointed. But it never felt mechanical on the contrary, it was a true exchange between the two of them.  

“I really like the song John wrote, it’s catchy” Y/N said “Can you put it back while I’m taking a shower?”

Y/N very much needed to clean herself and even though Roger hated that song he owed her at least that for what had just happened. He got up and did as she wished, turning up the volume so she could hear the music from the bathroom and lit a cigarette. He could hear her humming the song, she did not know the words of course but she was already familiar with the melody.

The main reason why he did not like the song was because he thought it did not belong in a rock band’s repertoire but also and mainly just to bother his bandmates, especially Deacy. The song was joyful and light and that was not exactly what he had in mind for their sound.  Of course he was happy that the bassist had found everything he needed but they did not bloody need to sing “happy at home” like an anthem.

All he had at home was an old sofa, a broken bed, his drum-kit in a corner and something that looked like a kitchen. Since he moved here he had make zero effort to make the place his own or personality. He spent most of this time on tour, recording or partying and he did not see the interest. There was absolutely no sunshine and the place where he was happy was definitely on the stage doing what he was good at. He looked by the window and saw the streets of London, almost empty, clearly the whole neighbourhood could hear the music blasting from his flat but he did not care.

Y/N came out of the bathroom in a towel, Roger turned down the music and looked at her. She was quite beautiful, the street light glowing on her wet skin. She smiled at him while trying to gather her clothes.

“Do you want to sleep here?” he heard himself ask “It’s quite late”

“Well… Why not. I cannot really afford a taxi and I am not walking for an hour and half right now. Thanks”

It was the first time that she would stay for the night. It was not like they had never spend time together. She would often come to see them rehearse or even spend the afternoon at his place. She had even helped him when he had his shop with Freddie. But never had they shared a bed together for something else than sex and that felt odd somehow. There was an intimacy that was completely different from what they had experienced before.

Y/N did not seem to have anything to say about it and simply went into the bedroom. She grabbed one of Roger’s shirt and boxer before going into bed.

“I’m so glad we had sex on the couch and not on this bloody thing, you should really invest that new money in a mattress Rog’” she complained jumping on it a little

For one second Roger was about to ask her if she wanted him to sleep and the couch but he quickly realised how stupid that question was. They just had slept together, twice. They also probably had fell asleep together at some point, but this felt, different. She looked good, in his clothes. She seemed to be comfortable and although quite sleepy still had a smile on her face. She was flipping through the book on his bedside table.

“Is it good ?” she asked before looking at him “Rog’ are you okay?”

Roger was completely lost in thought, leaning against the door frame. Y/N looked suddenly worried. She was not used to see him speechless. She paused and felt suddenly uncomfortable. Maybe he did not really want her to stay. She was been surprised but very happy about him asking. The idea of walking by herself in the streets of London at such an hour was not very reassuring and she could take the tube early in the morning. She usually did not stay that long but they had watched a film and then another one before getting down to business. The time had flied as they spent a particularly good afternoon together.

“I can go home if you want me to” she said

“No… No I want you to stay. Sorry I’m just knackered” he replied

He went back to the living room, put his underwear back on, turned off the music and the light before coming back into the bedroom. Y/N was already under the blanket and her eyes were closed. She did not want to be any burden and silently waited for him to join her. He closed the door and lay down next to her. She could feel the heat of his body from afar and he knew it was quite cold in the room, he never put any heating on. The band might have been successful and the money was finally slowly coming in although he had already spent most of it.

Roger’s arms slowly reached out for Y/N’s body and brought her closer to him. She did not say anything and waited a few seconds before placing her face next to his chest. Roger had had numerous girls in his bed and many of them had done the same thing before Y/N but it felt different. Never he had shivered because of the feeling of one these girls’ cheeks on his bare skin.

He had trouble falling asleep but it was not the case of Y/N, he could feel how calm she was and her slow breath on his torso. She looked so peaceful, so calm. She had a really outgoing personality, always smiling or talking. She was silent and there was something almost sad in her face as she was asleep. One of her hand moved as it grabbed Roger’s side. Her little frown disappeared and he found her incredibly cute.

When Roger woke up he was alone in bed. He sighed, he would have like to say goodbye to Y/N but she had probably gone back to her place. Once again he was alone in his flat with nothing to do. He got up to pee and smelt something coming out of the kitchen, now that he was little more awake he could swear someone was singing. He quickly went to the bathroom before following the little tune.

It was Y/N, she was humming one of Queen’s song. She was really into their music but she did not want it say it too much not to be taken for a groupie. Her voice was beautiful, almost technically perfect and so pleasing to the ear. He was really impressed by how effortless it sounded. Roger knew that it was her favourite song, she was so excited the first time she had heard it. He did not want to stop her, enjoying the moment. She was cooking breakfast and it smelt really good. It was not often that Roger would cook for himself although he wondered how she had found anything to make breakfast with. His stomach betrayed him as it started rumbling and Y/N noticed him.

“Hello gorgeous” Y/N said, smiling and taking care of the scrambled eggs, “Did you sleep well?”

“You realise this is my place right?” Roger asked, amused by her attitude. “But yes I did”

“Great! Now time for breakfast. I’m starving !”

“Where did you find the food?” he asked

Suddenly an embarrassed smirk appeared on Y/N’s face as she finished setting the table.

“I may have taken the fiver that was on the table” she said “Sorry”

“That’s okay” he said “Thank you for making breakfast”

He sat next to her and started eating. It wasn’t much and it wasn’t anything fancy but he could tell it had been made with attention and that’s all that mattered. She jumped on the food and ate with eagerness. He had noticed how she had lost some weight when his hands where on her bare ribs yesterday. Nothing dramatic and none of his business but he started to wonder why it was so.

“How’s work?” he asked

This is how they had met. Y/N was working in the pub right next where his band used to rehearse. It was her first job moving in London town and they had become rather close altogether. One night after work they had slept together, just for fun. He was really surprised by how the next time they had seen each other everything was back to normal. She did not act like nothing had happened but at the same time she never considered it for something more than what it was. It was the first time that something like that had happened to him and he could still remember the kind of relief he felt because already at that time Y/N was important to him. Without thinking too much about it, it had became casual. 

The pub she was working at became the place they would go for a beer most of the time but after their first album they almost never were in that part of the city and they came less and less. In fact, Y/N had became part of their inner circle and she was invited to big and small parties by the members of the group quite often.

“Well… no more work” she just replied

“What?”

Roger was really surprised. She had not say anything about it.

“Well… Apparently I was not needed anymore, had to make some cuts in the expenses” she replied, shrugging her shoulders

“But you were pouring your heart in that freaking job!’ Roger almost screamed

He was angry for her. He knew that being a waitress was not Y/N’s dream but he also knew that she was very good at it and that she was always doing her best. The idea of her being fired like a piece of trash was very displeasing.

“It’s okay Rog’, it was probably time for me to go and do what I came to London for”

“Are you finally going to audition for some musicals?” he asked

“You remember?”

“Of course. You almost made me crazy singing that Funny Girl song all the time last year”

She was so happy he remembered that. She did not talk about it a lot because she was so insecure about her skills. It was true though, she had come to London to pursue her dream of an artistic career. Unfortunately it was crazy expensive to live in this city and the few roles she was able to get were not paying the rent and she had taken more and more hours at the pub, leaving her dream behind her. Blood started rushing through her face just thinking about Roger hearing her singing but just stuck her tongue out.

“At least I don’t sing songs about me fucking cars”

“What did you just say?”

“I’m just saying I love the melody Rog’ but the lyrics… Really?”

She wasn’t mean at all, she was playful and was, per usual, great at changing the subject when she felt embarrassed. She was so amused by the look on his face, he was clearly upset but not angry.

“I mean… did you really locked yourself in a cupboard so that everybody could hear you sing that you got a feel for your automobile on a B-side? I know you’re used to being extra but...”

Y/N couldn’t resist but laugh just thinking about the whole thing and she started running as soon as she saw Roger spreading his arms towards her to get revenge. The place was not that big but she tried to lock herself up in the bathroom, unfortunately Roger was much faster than her and soon enough his arms were around her waist.

“What exactly is wrong with my song eh?” he asked starting to tickle her ribs

“You’re saying you’re in love with a car Roger. Do I really need to explain what’s wrong with it?”

She burst into laughter as the tickling became more intense. She tried to respond to the attack but he was much stronger than her. He knew she was partly joking because he had seen her bobbing her head to the tune yesterday as she was listening to the record for the first time.

“How the fuck do you know about the cupboard?” he asked suddenly realising that he never told her about it while stopping the fight

“I had Freddie on the phone the other day and he told me” she answered, finally able to breeze

Roger let go of Y/N and went back to breakfast. She raised her eyebrows but joined him, after all the fight was not going to last for hours. It was stupid but Roger had felt weird knowing that Y/N had called Freddie. Somehow he had started thinking that she was closer to him than she was with his friends but maybe he was wrong. They kept talking about a few things and Y/N eventually decided to go back to her place. She left a delicate kiss on Roger’s cheek as she always did before saying goodbye.

Roger closed the door, a smile on his face before looking behind him, to the very empty flat. Once again he was alone. He thought that it was crazy how someone as little as Y/N could fill in so much space. He was left with his feelings and all he knew for sure was that he wanted to see her again very soon and not just for a booty call.

[soaringsoon]

Kaisoo Tarot

I will preface this by saying that tarot is an inexact art, and is very open to interpretation. In fact, that’s the whole point – to take the lessons and apply them to your own life. I learned to read the cards quite a few years ago from a dear friend of my mother’s. The original cards and book she got me were lost in a fire, but I have several other books and sets of cards now.

As we went into 2019, we EXO L’s and especially Kaisooists were surprised with a bit of news. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. I’m not going to make any assumptions about the truth of that story – I’ll leave that to all the excellent examinations I’ve seen so far of the Dispatch articles, Instagrams, etc.

What I decided to do was pull cards for Jongin, for Kyungsoo, and for the two of them as a unit. Whether this unit is a business relationship as members of the same group, as friends, or as romantic partners, I did not ask the cards. I simply wanted to see what the cards said when I gave them the most basic of information.

I decided to do the simplest spread – three cards. It’s still plenty of information without being totally overwhelming or making this post a mile long. I do apologize for the length of this post, however. I tried to keep it brief, I swear! I also decided to use the cards that Yixing included with his Namanana album, since he’s connected to Kyungsoo and Jongin. Interestingly to me, on stage when he’s with EXO, he stands between Kyungsoo and Jongin. I’m not sure if that means anything but I decided it might.

I pulled cards for Kaisoo first, again with the caveat that I didn’t specify what the relationship was, just Kyungsoo and Jongin together in some form.

I got card XV – the devil. Actually this card “jumped out” while I was shuffling the cards, and my mentor says that this means the card wants to be read, so I placed it first. The devil card talks about being under the spell of a lie, and that the consequences of that lie are real. It talks about a belief system that needs an overhaul, and that there are feelings of denial, justification, and fear involved. If you apply this to one or both of them being not straight I certainly can see where the lie is (if they’re pretending to be straight, either like Kyungsoo, not acknowledging any relationship at all, or like Jongin, with his publicized relationships with women, which seem as though they might be false). The belief system that needs an overhaul – Korea isn’t very accepting of LGBT people so maybe that’s it? I can see where the denial and fear and justification come in as well – if they were revealed to be not straight it would certainly have an impact on their careers. The last thing that the devil card talks about is the idea that liberation from the lie is possible. Obviously, if they are not straight, they could choose to announce that, but at what cost?

The next card is X – Wheel of Fortune. This card talks about whatever troubles you being on its way out, that the coming changes are happy ones. It keeps repeating that change is a good thing, that you may be currently experiencing a low point but that all the good things are coming, are possible. I don’t see anything really troubling either of them in their public life – Kyungsoo’s career is at an all time high, EXO as a whole is doing well, and Jongin doesn’t seem to have really gotten any backlash from this relationship reveal. So perhaps this is referring to something much more personal, that I as a fan am not privy to.

The third card is I – the Magician. It talks about being in the right place at the right time, that your dreams are manifesting themselves. That you should pursue further dreams, that you can triumph against your haters and that anything is possible. This card says to get ready to dream big and also to act on those big dreams. I immediately thought of Kyungsoo and how his acting career has been something he’s wanted for a long time, being taken seriously as an actor, not just an idol actor. The fact that he’s getting so many great, diverse roles came to my mind.

Maybe I should have asked for a specifically “romantic couple” set of cards, because I keep feeling things about each of them individually but not so much as a romantic couple. I may pull another set with this in mind and see what I get.

Next, Jongin.

His first card is XX – Judgment. This card talks about karma, and says a lot of things about taking inventory, calling ourselves on our bullshit, and finding out how we will live up to our best self. I thought it was interesting that the book I used talked specifically about New Year’s often being a time we think about this kind of thing, and it also mentioned how magazines often focus on new things at this time of year. It talks about a major revelation that’s coming, and about changing the way you live even if the ramifications are scary. Again, there’s a lot of focus on what we’re hiding, and the need to be authentic.

The second card I pulled for Jongin was 0 – The Fool. This card doesn’t mean he’s stupid, quite the opposite in fact. It talks about having (justified) joy or optimism about your circumstances, about the desire to jump into new things but needing to remain grounded in reality. It talks about a relationship that may start or end, a new job (Kaisoo subunit? Jongin solo?) and that there will be problems down the road after some initial success.

Jongin’s third card was XVIII – The Moon. This is the card of fear, of the unknown, of confusion. It talks about needing to use our intuition, to study ourselves intently. It also talks about not making any sudden moves and to make sure to pay attention to the fact that more information is coming. This card mentions that the thing you fear is likely inside of you, not an external force, and that you need to face that before moving on.

Now, on to Kyungsoo. He’s my ultimate bias and I feel like I know him pretty well, but obviously I don’t know him personally. Still, I focused a lot on what I do know about him as I was shuffling his cards. A card also “jumped out” while I was shuffling, and it’s interesting what it was.

XV – The Devil. I pulled this card already, in the Kaisoo spread, but I got a bit different feeling as I read about it again. Whereas with the Kaisoo Devil card I got the feeling that whatever was bothering Kaisoo with regards to this card (things about living a lie with real consequences, and a belief system that needs an overhaul) were internal forces, related to themselves, with Kyungsoo my attention was drawn to the thought that he was chained to a negative force bigger than himself, and that to remain there is to settle for no freedom. I wondered if this had to do with EXO or SM, that maybe they were keeping him from things he wanted. Perhaps if Kaisoo is real, his contract specifies that it can’t be revealed? I did get a strong sense that liberation from this trap is possible, however.

XXI – The World. With this card, I could definitely see things about Kyungsoo’s life, at least professionally. It talks about how things you’ve accomplished have come about through your passion and hard work, that this is literally a dream come true for you. With all his amazing acting roles lately, he’s been getting a lot of awards and recognition, and this card says that. It also says he’s allowed to enjoy the attention, but to accept it humbly which I think he’s done. It talks about a very prestigious award coming his way, and that he’s earned some much desired rest time. So I hope he had a good vacation, wherever he went.

Kyungsoo’s last card was IV – The Emperor. This one I thought was interesting because it talks a lot about being logical, unemotional, and even hiding emotions, and Kyungsoo supposedly has a reputation for being stoic, although he’s very much not in real life, I think. I remember him earlier when he was much cuter publicly and much more demonstrative with his affections, and the Kyungsoo of the last few months reminds me more of that than he has in years. This card talked specifically of being a victim of management, which was interesting considering all the themes of hiding yourself I got in this spread. It talks about sticking up for yourself and staking a claim on something. He’s certainly been extra cute and affectionate lately, and I suppose you could interpret that as staking a claim on Jongin.

In conclusion, this was interesting, and I’ll probably do a few more readings on these guys to see if I keep getting the same themes or if something new comes up.

Also, if you would like a reading for yourself, send me a message and we can talk about it. There’d be no cost. 

[shielddrake]

Final Fantasy XII: A Retrospective Review

So, I received Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age for Christmas last year.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge fan of the Final Fantasy franchise.  I have played almost every game with that title that has been released…at least the ones released in America, since I sadly do not speak Japanese. So it’s not unreasonable to assume I would want a remake of one of its games.  I have quite a few, in fact, including V and VI on my iPhone, III and IV on my DS, and I and II on my PSP.  Final Fantasy IX was the first game I put on my PS4 when I got it (yeah, I admit I put a PS1 game on my PS4 before anything else) and I thoroughly enjoyed replaying VIII when its remaster came out last September.

 Final Fantasy XII, however, is a bit of an exception because, my Internet friends, I have a confession to make: Final Fantasy XII is my least favorite in the franchise.

 Now I wouldn’t say that FFXII is a bad game.  Far from it. It’s a very good game.  For the most part, I completely understand why so many people love it.  I just don’t feel the same way.

 When I first played the game when it was released, I was not too thrilled with a lot of the gameplay decisions and where it ended up going story-wise.  At the time, I concluded that while it was a good game, it was a poor Final Fantasy title.  And this is taking into account the fact that I had played and beaten both Final Fantasy Tactics and Tactics Advance several times before playing FFXII.  Both of these games are quite different from the main FF series, but are great in their own right. I basically consider the Ivalice Alliance as a separate spin-off series, sort of like the Crystal Chronicles games or the Dissidia series.  

 But FFXII was not that great, in my opinion.  I didn’t feel invested in the characters, I was not a fan of the combat or license board system at all, and I felt the story was incomplete at best and annoyingly vague at worst.  There were a lot of missed opportunities for the use of the characters.  I was neutral about the graphics, which, although beautiful, I felt did not really improve on what was presented in Final Fantasy X, and I didn’t like that a lot of the regular trends known in the previous installments (the summons being the main example that comes to mind) were thrown out for something completely disconnected.  I finished the game just feeling a mix of boredom and irritation, to be perfectly honest.  The only thing I can recall even remotely liking was the music, despite it not being composed by Nobuo Uematsu, my favorite composer of all time even to this day.

 Needless to say, playing The Zodiac Age was not on my list of priorities, and I’m not sure I ever would have played it had it not been gifted to me.

 All that said, I received the game and felt that, well, maybe since I have it anyway I would give it another shot.  Let’s see if FFXII is as bad as I remember. Maybe a retrospective review would be a good thing to post on the twelfth anniversary of the game’s original release, so why not?

 * Looks at the dates and realizes Final Fantasy XII was originally released 14 years ago, not 12. *

 Uh, never mind. Clearly I’m way too late for that party.

 Anyway, as I started playing, I decided that there were two big questions that I wanted to answer with this retrospective review:

 1.) Is Final Fantasy XII as bad of a game as I remember it being when it was first released?

 2.) Would I change my claim about Final Fantasy XII being my least favorite game in the franchise?

 Obviously the game has been out for a long time, remake or not, but I want to warn against spoilers here just in case. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s experience after all.  With that, let’s get started.

Statistics

 I just wanted to start this review with a few facts about my playthroughs (yes, the plural is intentional).

 I played through The Zodiac Age twice, once for about 42 hours in length and the second for about 47. I used each of the jobs in the zodiac job system in each playthrough, but in different combinations and on different characters.  Of course, I couldn’t account for every possible combination.  That would take a very long time…

 The party was at level 46 on my shorter playthrough and 51 on my longer one.  I did not complete all of the hunts, although I fought more of them the second time through. I did not try to get any of the special gear like the Zodiac Spear, mostly because I don’t know how.  I also did not get all of the espers, because other than the required time you have to summon Belias to get into Giruvegan, I never used summoning.

 I avoided any guides or other playthroughs for the game, relying on the game’s directions and my memory from my previous plays…fourteen years ago…to guide me through the main part of the story. Yeah, I haven’t played FFXII since it was released in 2006, maybe 2007, give or take a few months. So, if I got confused or lost during the course of the game, it was because I either missed directions or the game was not clear on where I needed to go.

 At the time of this review, I have not experimented at all with Trial Mode or played through New Game Plus.

 Graphics

 This section will be short, since I don’t have a lot to say about it.

 The graphics are very good. As I stated above, in the original I did not feel the graphics were all that different than Final Fantasy X released four years prior, and my opinion of The Zodiac Age hasn’t really changed.  According to the Final Fantasy Wiki, the game was given “high resolution upgrades to backgrounds, character models, 2d parts, and movie scenes.”  To be honest, I didn’t notice much of a difference, although that might be because I didn’t play the game often enough to have the original graphics etched in my memory.

 However, that does not mean the game looks bad. On the contrary, it is still a beautiful game, despite a few small glitches such as Balthier’s dialogue not syncing up to his lip movements or Basch’s hair not moving, Those are minor nitpicks. The game is still lovely to look at.

 Sound and Music

 Again, the music for this game is excellent. As I mentioned before, the music was probably the one thing I would praise about the game when it was originally released.  The Zodiac Age somehow manages to make it better by providing a rerecorded soundtrack that makes a lot of the notes sound less harsh. There is the option of switching it back to the original version, but I preferred the new one. Basically they took the one thing I liked about the original game and made it better.

 The voice acting I am pretty neutral about. For the most part, I don’t think anyone’s voice work was either bad or good.  Other than the overuse of sighs, of which I get most annoyed by Ashe’s because she sighs all the time, I don’t mind the voice acting very much.

 The only one I have a problem with, and this was also the case when I first played FFXII, is with Fran’s voice.  I always feel bad criticizing a voice actor because they put a lot of training and passion into their work, but I just can’t help but be really annoyed at the choices SquareEnix made when casting Fran. She sounds so different in the English version compared to the Japanese one, and I don’t think it fits the character at all.  Viera, all viera, are supposed to be these rather ethereal beings akin to the elves in The Lord of the Rings.  So why, then, would the translation team have Fran be given a voice that makes her sound like a nasally four-year-old?  According to the Wiki, the translators wanted to “sell the new take on the viera,” but it just falls flat.

 Miscellaneous Gameplay

 Okay, I only made this section so I can briefly go over some of the extra gameplay components the game has, both old and new.  First, the good.  

 The high-speed mode is great. I always thought the characters moved so annoyingly slow! This fixes that problem and honestly saves a lot of time.  I feel like it sheared off a couple of hours off the game that are just empty time needed simply to move from place to place. I used this in the FFVIII remaster as well for the same reason.  I basically never turned it off.  It didn’t affect cutscenes, so that wasn’t a problem. Also, the sound effect of four people running in high-speed mode is strangely hilarious to me.

 There is a transparent overlay map now available.  I find this to be much more useful than the minimap alone, which was constantly moving and incapable of helping me orient myself. Previously, I was frequently frustrated and getting lost in pretty much every area, dungeon and town when I played the original version.  The overlay map was especially useful in places where direction was important, like the part in the Tomb of Raithwall where you need to turn the statues to face the blade. I could never tell which way to turn them and needed to bring up the main map over and over and over again. The overlay map resolves makes this and general navigation much easier.  

 My only complaint is that, although it is transparent, it does take up a lot of the center of the screen, but that is a small price to pay for the relief of so much frustration. There are times when the overlay map isn’t useable, namely in parts of Giruvegan and the Bahamut, and then the frustration rises again, which only emphasizes how nice the overlap map is the other times.

 Autosave feature.  Need I say more? Thank you, SquareEnix, for an autosave feature! Especially during some of the hunts.

 And now the bad, which can be lumped into one thing: minigames.  Or I guess they’re minigames.  They’re small quests that are required to further the story that are not combat based. The yell at the guards to make them move game while stealing the Dusk Shard, AKA the dumbest guards ever.  The have Vaan declare he’s Basch in front of people in Bhujerba to get the Resistance’s attention, which unless you had already played the game you don’t know to do in front of the guides, leading you to just listening to Vaan spout annoying nonsense while literally nobody listens.  The exchanging information quest in Archadia to get chops to be allowed to ride a flying taxi, which is only slightly less annoying this time around because they reduced the number of exchanges you need to do from nine to three.  I guess they realized how tedious it was.  I disliked all of these when I first played the game and they were superfluous and dumb and add nothing to the experience this time around too.

 Character Progression and Combat

 Now we get to the parts where I feel I can really say something constructive. I was initially going to have these be separate sections, but they are so closely related to one another that it seemed silly to split them.

 There is something I want to make perfectly clear, that I must admit came very much to my surprise: The combat in The Zodiac Age is nowhere near as bad as I felt it was when I played the vanilla game.  Before it felt like a boring slog just to get from one quest to another, but I found that not to be the case this time around. I think the changes to the license board helps with the combat be more dynamic and require a bit more strategy since not every character ends up being the same.  I’ll get to the license board in a moment.

 With the job system in place, you have to think more about how you’re going to approach an enemy rather than having everyone just attack the whole time.  I mean, you can still do that, but your white mage is not going to be as strong as your knight, so having the white mage do only physical attacks doesn’t work quite as well.  And with the option of giving everyone different abilities, it means that every character has a different role to play in battle.  

 The ability to add a second job later in the game adds to the diversity you can bring, since you can make any number of combinations of jobs and really none of them are bad.  You’re also not limited by which characters can have which job.  Once you pick a job for a character you are stuck with it (at least on the PS4 version) but that does not lock the job away from other characters.  You can have two white mages, two knights, five red battlemages, or make every character a bushi if you so desire.  You can have someone balanced, someone focused on only offensive spells, someone focused on healing, someone just for physical attacks, a tank…the possibilities are huge!  

 The gambit system is still in place, and I still am not a huge fan.  If I have to micromanage a character’s actions, I’d rather have a system that allows me to input commands individually like in previous Final Fantasy games rather than allowing an AI to do it.  However, I understand that the combat in FFXII is fast-paced enough that it makes that sort of system more difficult, and I managed to deal with it fine. I wish I didn’t have to buy gambits for every single miniscule action though.

 On the other hand, I did find having multiple gambits useful for the various abilities each character has, especially since the job system allows for more individualized characters. This time, I felt like having several gambit slots was actually worthwhile because I had the characters able to do more things under specific circumstances, especially for spellcasters. This made it seem like it was worth the license points to spend on gambit slots from the license board.  So while I still am not fond of the gambit system, I found it overall less annoying than before.

 Obviously the license board is the biggest change to The Zodiac Age.  The job system is excellent this time around, compared to the complete lack of a job system in the original version. Normally a blank slate for character progression isn’t a bad thing.  VI, VII and VIII all had no job system as well, but you could still customize the characters to fit with a play style that you liked.  Vanilla FFXII didn’t allow that.  It was far too easy to make every character identical, so it ultimately didn’t matter which character you had in your party.  This time, the available variety made it much more enjoyable to play and experiment.

 The board was also improved on in that it was much more logical within each job.  Before, the board was literally just a board, with every license just kind of lumped together. The license for a helmet was next to a license for the fire spell.  It never made much sense and it seemed hard to predict what adjacent licenses you were unlocking. This time, armor licenses are together, sword licenses are together, magic licenses are together, and so forth.  Some licenses in the same category are spread apart, such as the technicks, but for the most part there is at least some sort of logic to it all, making it much easier to plan character growth instead of it feeling random.

 Later on, it is possible to make the characters very similar to one another, so that everyone can cast white magic, use the same technicks, wear the same gear, etc. This is especially easy if you pick secondary jobs that are opposite the first job (for stance, adding a foebreaker job to a white mage).  This doesn’t happen until late in the game though, so it doesn’t feel nearly as cheap.  FFX did the same with the sphere grid, but you had to be pretty far in the game before that was possible.  Same thing here.

 I feel I should mention the quickenings and summons, even though I never used the latter in battle. The mist abilities now have their own gauge rather than using MP, which is a nice throwback to the limit break bars of some of the previous games.  I definitely prefer it that way.  I found myself using quickenings less frequently than during my first playthrough, but that might be because the game was made to be overall a little easier.

 Story and Characters

 While the job system was the big change for The Zodiac Age, and certainly for the better, I feel I still need to talk about the story and the characters even though nothing about these parts of the game have changed.  The big reason for this is because the story was where I had the biggest problem with the original version of FFXII, and therefore will probably have the biggest impact on answering my two burning questions at the beginning of this review.

 That being said, if I were to go into all the details about the story and characters and what I think of it, this review would probably be three times as long as it already is.  To add to that, since the game has already been out for twelve fourteen years I’m not sure there’s a whole lot I could add to the conversation that hasn’t already been said, other than to point out how I would change the story to make it what would be, in my opinion, better.

 Perhaps if people are really interested in my in-depth analysis of the story I can do that in another post, but for the purposes of this review, I’m just going to give summarized version here.

 1.) Reks should have lived, or been replaced by Vaan, or have both in the party.

 2.) Vaan is not as annoying as I previously thought, but he needed to have a more concrete connection to the plot.

 3.) Same for Penelo. Still kind of preachy, but seemed more like a Jiminy Cricket character this time around.

 4.) The Strahl needed to be stolen somehow, both to give Balthier a better reason to go with the group and to give a better excuse to not just fly somewhere.

 5.) That said, knowing the whole plot of the game makes Balthier’s behavior throughout the story make more sense. Better foreshadowing, in a way.

 6.) Fran’s storyline needed to have a more satisfactory conclusion.  It just sort of ended.

 7.) Basch and Gabranth needed to have more personal interactions throughout the story to make their final moments more satisfying.

 8.) For that matter, have more personal interactions between the party and both Dr. Cid and Vayne. We meet both of them a total of two times…over the course of a 40-hour game. Too disconnected from the party’s actions to give much motivation for us to defeat them.

 8.) Why did they not use Vossler’s actions as a bigger plot point, with Basch trying to stop Vossler from doing what Basch was accused of? It’s sort of there, but it ends far too quickly.  Big missed opportunity.

 9.) More judge fights! We fight a total of three, Ghis, Bergan and Gabranth. I wanted more judge bosses!

 10.) To add to that, have more context for some of the bosses.  It kind of felt like so many of the bosses were there just for the sake of being bosses, and there’s only so many times I can say to myself, “It’s probably a guardian of whatever place.”

 11.) I still don’t get the love people have for Ashe.  I just don’t get it.

 12.) And finally, Larsa should have been the main character.  End of story.

 …Yeah, that’s the summarized version.

 Conclusion

 All things considered, I definitely had a different experience playing through The Zodiac Age compared to when I first played FFXII twelve fourteen years ago.  And ultimately this is why I decided on playing this game again.  I wanted to see if my opinion had changed, if I could look at it from another perspective rather than just negative memory. And although some of my feelings haven’t changed, it’s good to look back on something and see that maybe it isn’t exactly as I recall it.

 Let’s go back to the big questions I proposed at the beginning of this review.

 First, is Final Fantasy XII as bad of a game as I remember it being when it was first released?  No, it’s certainly not.  I think the changes made to the license board made the combat more enjoyable for me, and by extension it seemed less of a hassle and more of an actual game. I enjoyed running around and exploring more, and the bosses and hunts were more entertaining as well.  While I’m still not fond of the gambit system, I wasn’t as irritated by it and actually found myself experimenting more with it.

 Second, would I change my claim about Final Fantasy XII being my least favorite game in the franchise? Eh, probably not.  Again, even with the alterations made to the game, there are still a lot of things that I personally was not a fan of, especially involving the story.  I’m one of those people who love the story of a game more than anything else (which is clearly why I prefer RPGs to any other game genre). Since the story is still the weakest aspect of FFXII, in my opinion, especially compared to other Final Fantasy games, the game overall doesn’t grab me as much as some of the earlier ones.  It’s still a good game, but not great.  To be fair, short of completely overhauling the storyline and characters, it would the difficult change those aspects for the better in just a remaster.  This makes me wonder how the FFVII remake is going to go, but the jury’s still out on that one.

 With all the various opinions and thoughts about what makes a video game good, it’s hard for developers to create what might be considered a perfect game for everyone, and the Final Fantasy franchise is no exception.  That doesn’t mean a game cannot be corrected to make it better than the original.  That’s what is good about patches and remasters.  It gives the developers another opportunity to improve on what was criticized.  Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age definitely succeeds in this, even if there are still parts that are not quite as good.

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Kingdom Hearts DLC to play and then proceed to tear apart.

[kk095]

Workload

I felt creative in the past day or two and came up with this. It may need some additional tweaking, but I hope everyone likes the story! Also, I received a lot of positive feedback on my last story. I greatly appreciate that! 🙂

****

There's a common saying that goes “if you find a career you really like, you'll never have to work a day in your life.” For most people, the idea of this sounds fictitious, but it was a reality for Stephanie. Stephanie Crawford was a graduate of the prestigious Brown university, and went on to become a successful lawyer, specializing in corporate law and civil litigation. Being a lawyer was Stephanie's passion, willfully devoting large sums of time to her career, foregoing the opportunity to experience other life milestones such as marriage and children; Stephanie is someone that could be labeled a “workaholic.”

Even though Stephanie worked around the clock, her looks never suffered as a result of her high stress, high pressure job. Stephanie was a 37 year old white woman with brown hair that was slightly past her shoulders with angled bangs. She had blue eyes, a semi tan complexion, was 5'4, and had a slim build. Stephanie had a very classy, sophisticated appearance and had a refined demeanor.

This particular case started long before Stephanie was brought to our emergency department. Stephanie was at the office after normal business hours working on her latest case. The case involved something known as “frustration of purpose”, a scenario where contractual obligations become impossible for both parties to satisfy because of unforeseen circumstances. These scenarios can be quite messy and complicated, but Stephanie was always up for the task.

Stephanie was sorting through paperwork, working on her computer, eating take out dinner, and was the only person at the office. Stephanie was at work for almost 12 hours at that point, and she barely slept the night before. The 37 year old decided to call it a night and head home. Little did she know, the drive home would be anything but routine.

The roads were relatively empty at that time in the evening. It had rained earlier in the day, so the roads were still a bit wet. On the way home, Stephanie was focusing on everything except driving. She took a turn a little too fast and slipped on a wet spot, losing control of her car and crashing it into a utility pole on the side of the road, wrecking her brand new BMW.

Everything happened so fast. Her chest hit the steering wheel milliseconds before the airbag deployed, with the airbag smacking her in the face, sending her back quickly. The lap portion of her seatbelt tightened up, pressing exceptionally hard on her abdomen. The windshield cracked, sending a handful of small glass shards flying towards Stephanie, causing lacerations to her face and neck.

Stephanie wasn't in any pain immediately, but had some minor breathing difficulties. She was in a frenzied state due to a sudden rush of adrenaline and endorphins. Believe it or not, she reached for her cell phone and called 911 for herself.

EMS responded to the scene of the accident within a few minutes of her 911 call. The driver's side door had to be cut off by the fire department since it wouldn't open and Stephanie was in a confined space, unable to move.

The extraction took somewhat long. The fire department had to set up several types of mechanical equipment so they were able to remove the door from the mangled, black BMW. A feeling of nervousness consumed Stephanie while the mechanical device started crunching and pulling at her car door. The scene became very loud as a result, causing sensory overload to a minor degree. Stephanie was holding back tears, but kept her composure. “I'm ok. Everything's going to be just fine” Stephanie kept thinking to herself, unaware that she would be in the hospital morgue in just a little while.

Once the door was removed, paramedics placed a c-collar on her. Stephanie's seatbelt was cut, and she was carefully wiggled out of the confined space she was trapped in, and placed onto a backboard. Paramedics carried the backboard over to a stretcher, where they placed Stephanie. She was wheeled into the ambulance, and rushed to the nearest hospital.

During the ambulance ride, paramedics set up 2 large bore IVs and hung normal saline. Stephanie's top was cut off by the medics, exposing her toned body and black bra. She was set up on a heart monitor; her vitals were: BP 92/68, heart rate 124bpm with a thready pulse, and her oxygen saturation was at 95%. Stephanie complained of shortness of breath, so the paramedics placed a nasal cannula to help with breathing difficulties. Further along into transport, she began to complain of soreness in her chest, and she started to feel some stinging from lacerations on her face and neck. Stephanie was given a dose of lidocaine to take the edge off of the pain she was experiencing.

Approximately 7 minutes later, Stephanie arrived at the hospital. She was experiencing increased pain levels upon arrival at the emergency department, wincing and groaning, trying her very best to fight through the intensifying pain.

Stephanie was now in the trauma bay. She laid on the table, staring up at the blinding overhead light. She felt a nurse at the other end of the bed removing her shoes and the rest of her clothes while more people entered the room. Stephanie became more apprehensive, wondering what was coming next. She started feeling vulnerable for the first time in awhile due to her lack of control over her current situation; all she could do was wait.

The trauma team was finally fully assembled and began ordering tests and beginning their initial examination of the injured lawyer. The attending physician ordered trauma labs, a chest x ray, an echocardiogram, an abdominal ultrasound, and made sure that blood products were on standby.

The chest x ray showed a moderate pneumothorax on the right side with left sided tracheal deviation. There was some bruising and redness on the middle of her chest from the steering wheel injury. A nurse snipped off Stephanie's black bra, putting her b cup breasts on display. The echocardiogram revealed a myocardial contusion with fluid in the pericardium. The abdominal ultrasound showed minor, non specific bleeding that was likely to heal on its own, but worthy of monitoring. The main concerns were the collapsed lung and activity within the pericardium.

Stephanie's symptoms continued getting worse. She began complaining of heart palpitations and feeling cold in the seconds following the tests. Her blood pressure was still low, her heart rate was up in the 130s, and her o2 levels were dropping. Stephanie was visibly uncomfortable, writhing in pain. A nurse told the attractive lawyer to stay still and remain calm.

The trauma team was greatly concerned over Stephanie's deterioration. They had to urgently place a chest tube, and didn't have time to sedate their patient. A round of pain medications were pushed intravenously, and the procedure commenced. A 1inch incision was made in between her ribs on the right side. Stephanie moaned, feeling the scalpel's every move. Stephanie shouted and cried out in pain while the chest tube was being shoved into the small incision site.

All of the air that was trapped inside of Stephanie's chest cavity was blasted through the tube, and out of her body. Although her breathing improved a bit, Stephanie was still in pain and her vital signs weren't improving. Stephanie was breathing rapidly and appeared distressed. The attending physician was concerned about her worsening condition and wanted to make sure her airway wasn't lost, so it was decided that Stephanie would be intubated. Rapid sequence orotracheal intubation was performed. Stephanie was now unconscious from the intubation sedatives, with the metal blade of the laryngoscope leaning on the roof of her mouth, while a 7.0 ET tube was being navigated into her airway. Once the breathing tube was in place, a blue tube holder was connected to secure the tube.

Following the intubation, the trauma team decided to perform a pericardiocentesis to remove some of the excess fluid in their patient's pericardium. A fine needle was placed through the skin at the infrasternal angle in a subxiphoid approach, meaning the needle was navigated under the sternum and left ribcage, into the lining of the heart. After an echocardiogram confirmed correct placement, a small catheter was attached to the needle, which was connected to a collection bag. At first, a small amount of blood and pericardial fluid was aspirated. Seemingly out of nowhere, a large amount of bright red, arterial blood rushed into the catheter's collection bag. “what the hell?” thought the attending physician. “page cardio. She didn't cut the aorta because she would've died already, but whatever's going on in there is pretty serious.” Ordered the attending physician with a sense of urgency.

Stephanie's condition was much worse by the time the cardiothoracic surgeon arrived. Her blood pressure was dangerously low, and distant heart sounds were heard through the stethoscope. The cardiothoracic surgeon ordered a repeat echo and hung 2 units of blood products from the rapid infuser.

Before the repeat echocardiogram could be performed, Stephanie became pulseless. The pericardiocentesis catheter was carefully removed, with chest compressions commencing immediately afterwards. The lawyer's chest was pumped robustly while the defibrillator paddles were being gelled and charged. The paddles were charged to 250j and pressed up against Stephanie's bare chest. Once everyone backed away, shock #1 was delivered. Stephanie's torso rose upwards, arching her back for a brief moment before returning to her previous position. The heart monitors showed V-Fib, so a round of drugs and cycle of compressions were performed during the handful of seconds it took for the defibrillator to recharge.

The paddles were charged to 300j and placed back onto Stephanie's chest, releasing a stronger current of electricity. Stephanie's body jolted violently on the table. Her arms tensed up and her head lolled to the side, with the monitors still chirping in the background.

Shock #2 did nothing to better the situation, so a 3rd shock at 360j was delivered moments later. The 37 year old's body flopped on the table. Her feet jumped into the air an inch or so above the table and crashed back down, showing off the prominent wrinkles in her soft soles.

Defibrillator shock #3 also didn't improve the situation. The next round of intravenous drugs were pushed and CPR was resumed while the trauma team thought about their next move. One of the nurses delivered strong, rapid compressions onto the attorney's chest. Her belly bounced outward and her breasts shook from the vibrations created from the compressions.

Another 2 and a half minutes of chest compressions and another defibrillator shock weren't enough to bring back Stephanie. The situation was growing more and more desperate by the second, and the trauma team needed to make a move. Stephanie had an injury inside her chest cavity, and likely to her heart, so the trauma team elected to access her chest cavity by performing a clamshell thoracotomy. Betadine was quickly splashed all over Stephanie's chest with harsh chest compressions still ongoing. A large incision was made extending across the entire 5th intercostal space, underneath both breasts, and through the sternum. CPR continued while the underlying tissue in Stephanie's chest was incised further. The next step was to separate the sternum to make room for the rib spreaders. A Gigli saw was used to divide the sternum horizontally. The manual wire saw was placed around each side of her sternum, and the cutting began. The saw worked its way through the sternum, with the cardiothoracic surgeon pushing with all their strength. The saw made short work of the solid bone in the sternum. The rib spreaders were placed on each side of her chest, and her chest was cracked open shortly after.

Stephanie's frantically twitching heart was revealed upon opening of the chest. A vascular clamp was placed on the aorta near her diaphragm and internal massage began. A 2nd round of drugs were pushed while the cardiothoracic surgeon made an incision into the pericardium. Blood squirted out of the incision area, with copious amounts of blood following. The surgeon couldn't locate the source of the bleeding. The surgeon wanted to perform a pericardial window right there in the ER due to the dire circumstances. With the monitors showing V-Fib, it was decided that an internal shock should be delivered beforehand.

The Zoll 8011 internal paddles were charged to 20j and placed around each side of the fluttering organ. A jolt of electricity was released directly into Stephanie's heart, causing her torso to flop on the table. The internal shock regained a faint heartbeat.

The cardiothoracic surgeon began performing a pericardial window. This is a procedure where a section of the pericardium is removed to allow excess blood and fluid to be drained, giving the heart an adequate amount of space to pump effectively.

The pericardial window was met with blood squirting out of the pericardium. Stephanie's pulse was lost again as more and more blood seeped out of the opening. More blood products were hung and direct cardiac massage was restarted. The cardiothoracic surgeon extended their incision in the pericardium in an attempt to locate the source of hemorrhaging.

Hemopericardium was discovered by the surgeon's continued efforts, but that still didn't explain where the bleeding originated. V-Fib appeared on the monitor again, so the surgeon's investigation was paused so an internal shock could be delivered. The internal paddles were placed back around her twitching heart, and a 30j shock was delivered once everyone backed away. A dull, wet thunk was heard, accompanied by her torso jolting quickly and sharply. This shock couldn't convert the beautiful patient out of V-Fib, so another shock was delivered immediately afterwards. Stephanie converted to PEA after this shock, so internal compressions were resumed while the next round of IV drugs were given.

Stephanie's heart was being squeezed by the attending ER physician, trying to force it back to life. The surgeon continued probing around inside Stephanie's chest cavity. The ventricles and atria were intact, the SVC and aorta were also intact. That only meant 1 thing: a coronary artery laceration. Coronary artery lacerations are exceedingly rare, but that doesn't mean they don't happen.

The cardiothoracic surgeon located the left coronary artery. Surprisingly, it was still intact. Stephanie was back in V-Fib so another unsuccessful internal shock was delivered. After the shock, the surgeon continued looking around. Finally, the surgeon located the bleeder. The right coronary artery was severed completely in half and ripped off of the myocardium. The heart muscle in that section of the myocardium was already dead upon discovery. Due to the catastrophic nature of this injury, the trauma team abruptly ceased resuscitation efforts, calling time of death at 11:04pm while Stephanie was still in V-Fib.

The monitors were shut off and the ambu bag was detached from the ET tube. The room was eerily silent as some people were exiting the room, while others were beginning postmortem care. Stephanie's heart fired off its last few dysfunctional, erratic bits of electrical activity while the nurses worked. Finally, a cover was placed over Stephanie's lifeless body, leaving her feet exposed. A nurse filled out a toe tag that read:

Name: Crawford, Stephanie

Date of birth: 1/12/1982

Date of death: 4/27/2019

TOD: 23:04

COD: Blunt coronary artery rupture

The toe tag was placed on the big toe of Stephanie's left foot after it was filled out. The tag dangled in front of the silky wrinkles of her soles while she was wheeled off to the hospital morgue, only an hour after her accident.