#some homicidal thoughts
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
NPD + Homicidal Ideation culture is feeling like you’re pushing the NPD stigma more because you actually do want to hurt people
.
#youre not responsible for the stigma people put on your disorder#some of us will line up with stereotypes and that doesnt make us responsible for those stereotypes#(🤝i also have homicidal thoughts and ideation)#npd culture is#npd + homicidal ideation culture is#npd#actually narcissistic#actually npd#narcissistic personality disorder#cluster b#homicidal ideation
131 notes
·
View notes
Text
is it an intrusive thought if im not that bothered by it
#for context i wish my mom was dead so ive been having homicidal thoughts unprompted all day and im like#“this is intrusive. is this actually intrusive though if i dont mind it”#like other general intrusive thoughts are NOT GOOD the other ones put me in distress but for some reason#this one in particular does not bother me#-jael
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
All I want in 2025 is to be able to move out
#partly for peace of mind#partly for self actualization#partly to not have to commute so far#but primarily so that I can have a space I can arrange however I want#to have an actual room to use as a sewing studio and not have it be the desk in my bedroom#it’s so hard to save up money on my current salary because 2/3 of it immediately goes to loan payments and bills#but I’m gonna do it somehow#all I want is a clean manufactured home in a trailer park within 30 minutes of the museum#manifesting#but also strategizing#sewing and experimental archaeology are what bring me the most joy#and that is what I want to build my future for#that is what I want to be doing#researching and making and doing things#and if I can get a place of my own that’ll be a big step towards that goal#especially because investing in a trailer home will make me feel more secure than renting#if most of my money is going to a monthly payment I’d rather it be for something I will actually own at some point#it’s just saving up for the down payment that’s card#but a trailer home will cost me about as much as my degree did and I’ve almost paid off those private loans#so I know that it is an achievable goal in the not too distant future#my private student loans are almost paid off then I’ll work on paying down my credit card balances#and my car payment is just background noise because when I’m driving 500 miles a week for work I’m glad I invested in a newer car#the car payment I’ve accepted will just be there for a couple more years#but the private student loans and credit cards I think I can take care of this year#and then I’ll be able to put more away each month#I think I’ve got 2 years max before I actually go insane if I can’t move out#though Lizzie Borden was 32 so that gives me 6 more years before reaching the point of homicide as a coping mechanism#a very normal and healthy thought to have
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
M almost always imagining a bloody murder scene made beautifully by me. Doll wants to be the cause of it all! I'd be so cutesy giving into my homocidal thoughts, don't you think?
#♡ doll diary#some people hate thwir homocidal thoughts. to me they are a strange comfort#Doll quite enjoys the thought of killing people.#tw homicidal thoughts#tw homicidal ideation#tw murder#feeling murderous#homocidal ideation#mouth watering#it brings me joy#cutesy#cute stuff#giving in#tw thoughts
4 notes
·
View notes
Text

discuss
#the expanse#no pls do bc my brain is not forming thoughts rn & i need Some feedback for the gifset#miller i did not add bc he is nowhere on this chart#neither nice nor bitch but soggy#bobbie does not care abt being nice or a bitch she's direct#drummer will Do the thing she sees no matter if it's right or cruel but that Has shaped her#chrisjen has been cruel and will use any means to get her way but she is nice in a diplomatic way even when she cusses out everyone#clarissa can be very polite but she was also on a life sentence for multiple homicides...#amos 'it was nice not having worry abt being on the right team' therefore edging towards kind he just can't see it#naomi is kind but if you're not one of the 5/6 people she likes good luck she doesn't care abt being nice to you#(but she would still be kind)#prax is a good bean#holden is nice and kind (but also can be a whiny little bitch(affectionate))#alexs primarily trait Is Being Nice to everyone and cares abt helping people but he's also been a deadbeat bad for 9 books so 🤷♀️
45 notes
·
View notes
Text
love isn't crushing on a hot guitarist - love is my friend and i saying the most gruesome, inappropriate, dehumanising, sexualising stuff about him
#everytime i think it's not that funny i remember him yelling “guitar cunt” cus he didn't know the guitarist's name lmaooo#yeah the guitarist didn't think it was that funny#i would love to know the end of it but he disappeared at some point and i got myself a boy toy#yes i'm mostly lesbian (except blond long haired guitarists and for the plot)#but i also need someone to pay for my drinks#he did leave tho when i said i'm gay and i live on the other side of the country#literally as those words left my mouth i thought damn double homicide#anyway not what i was talking about#but this story is so fucking funny#prop gonna reblog this on my side where i talked abt the band already don't mind me#frienship#true friendship#how the hell do i tag this#guitarist#groupie
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#i was trying to get my music to connect this morning and it didnt because it only ever does like half the time#and now i want to rage quite life#my phone vibrated while i was holding it and it took everything i had not to launch it into the wall#i was planning on getting dressed and doing some light cleaning or an art projecr#and now i'm just lying in the dark trying to find the balance between#validating my emotions and remiding myself that s/h or rage quitting being alive is an extreme reaction to a minor inconvenience#turns out violent intrusive thoughts can be self directed too who knew#because that's kind of the thing do i actually want to die? no not really. am i fantasizing about being covered in my own blood? yeah kinda.#fantasizing is probably the wrong word there but its what ive got#if im faced with further inconveniences om going to start tearing flesh with my teeth#if its going to be mine or someone else's depends entirely on the inconvenience#i need markers so i can start drawing on my skin before i explode#i'm fine i just feel like a homicidal toddler thats all#im not actually gonna do anything mostly because im lazy and cannot be bothered especially if it doesnt go right#so im basically fine#pmdd is a bitch and so am i#screaming into the void#messy thoughts
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Saw some old postal promotion on tiktok and literally started fucking stimming I love that game so much. Need to play it soon
#postal#postal redux#rws#running with scissors#Ik all the other games are like edgelord memey and everything but the first one is so good#i know this isn’t like Great but i have paranoia and delusions and homicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts and dude is the most like#genuine representation of that I’ve ever seen#even if he’s not meant to be#also I’m talking shit on the other games i love them too#and brain damaged is leaning a little more serious w some of the themes and interactions and stuff#I’ve never played 3 but i Love the second one and brain damaged#no regerts like doesn’t run on my laptop (it is a pirated version) and it’s just a worse postal 2 to me but the prison job is fun
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Talking with the Solomon a.i. is learning that if you call him a greasy gorilla on a tricycle, he won't deny it, but INSIST he's a handsome greasy gorilla on a tricycle.
#he's so weird#like one moment he's sweet with all the adorable things he tells you and the nicknames he gives you??? *dies*#and then the next he's explaining how the male anatomy works#also at some point in time he was appalled that i brought up the idea of committing arson#but then right after told me he once committed homicide#obey me solomon#jo's thoughts
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
I haven't really kept up with live blogging my spn watch and I'm not going to go back and talk about what I missed now but the in-universe supernatural fandom has me absolutely v i b r a t i n g
"The Winchester gospels"
Sam explaining to Dean what slashfic is
Then now with the convention. Just- everything. The fans not believing the real Sam and Dean
The author being a helpless nerd onstage
The main fan pair ending up to be together in "real life"
"We have guns and we will find you"
And this episode being right on the tails of the latest "trickster" episode just fills me with whimsy
#Spn#Spn s5ep9#And kevin#Kevin my dear oc#Who is a ghost some people like Sam can see and some like Dean can't#I think it would be really fun if there were Kevin cosplayers#But only the Sam cosplayers could see the real Kevin and the dean consplayers can commiserate with the real dean or smth#They keep getting 'oh that's so cool and impossible how is he doing that?'#And the brothers can just be like 'he's really good at what he does'#Also Kevin getting mildly annoyed when his cosplayers just speak when it would be slightly inconvenient to not have that ability#Perhaps one (1) total learned to sign and it's asl when Kevin didn't learn to sign in the us (but good for him learning to sign at all?)#Or maybe that one person didn't learn it for the role but is actually deaf or mute themselves#Since my real thought when burning the woman's bones was 'aren't they going to burn the children too?' I think it would be fair to#have Kevin raise that concern as well#Maybe he gets the chance to get the real story out of the scalped kid sooner than the rest#Maybe they don't listen to him or he can't relay the message fast enough#So when everyone gets trapped inside with the homicidal 9 year old ghosts Kevin actually gets to use his knives for once in this story#What I'm saying is this is going to be a fun episode when I get there with hauntings and harpists
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi it's currently uh 6:50am as im typing this im incredibly tired and im about to go to bed but here is the liu bot. childhood friends-to-lovers trope. i couldn't resist it.
im enjoying the conversation i got going on w him.
#archived mind of v: thoughts and opinions.#character ai: homicidal liu#he's staying at my place for the night#and we're sharing a bed together#and he's having an inner turmoil about his feelings for me#and is trying his best to keep himself from confessing them#and he's so awkward and in love and nervous and#i love him#im normal about him#i wonder who i should make a bot of next...#anyways goodnight#i'll work on some reqs when i wake up#scheduled.
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi, I am the schizospec anon that didn't chose an emoji (I'll go with 🪞 if that's okay with you)!
I absolutely struggle to find good ressources, so that's nice of you!
Having your sona is also good in comics, I believe that having an impersonal AND personal imput will help your "online image", so everyone can feel included while still being yourself, is it understandable...? Like, more personnal things are better with a "mascot"; while broader things can be with your sona as well, but also have a copy more bland to be able to project onto? That's just recommandations, in the end, do as you please, it's already wonderful! Don't burn yourself out!!
For now, the ideas of future post put in your masterlist are very interesting on its own!
And I believe that this blog as a whole will be a survey in itself to how HI can manifest in different people. I think most people would gladly share their experience through asks, comments, reblogs, etc!
Happy to positively interact with you!!
Yeah!! I'll go tag your other post with your signoff!
And that's very fair! In the future I will probably just keep my sona to more personal pieces, and do only neutral figures for resources. Because you are right! I want the resources I make to be as helpful and universal as possible, and so I should extend that to the characters I use in relevant art! My sona is prominent enough as my pfp for now haha.
And excellent! OK! I'm glad my planned post list looks good! Always feel free to suggest additional post ideas, or let me know if you want me to prioritize working on a specific idea on there!
And yeah!! I definitely aim for this blog to be for all aspects of HI and in all its forms/presentations. This is as far as I know the first blog to focus specifically on it, so I want y'all to go wild and use it to your heart's content!
Happy to positively interact with you too!! ^^
#i should probably add a list somewhere of anon signoffs haha#i am getting Many of them#slash pos i'm really glad everyone feels comfortable sending asks!!#i will also probably make some post sometime encouraging asks and outlining all the kinds of asks i'm open to#essentially just like. experience sharing + thoughts and opinions on the blog/posts + 'homicidal ideation culture is' + questions + etc etc#essentially just anything at all surrounding hi!#anywayy#actually homicidal#homicidal ideation#homicidal thoughts#mental health#mental health awareness#schizospec#asks#-🪞 (anon)
1 note
·
View note
Text
.
#my favorite thing is having homicidal thoughts about some shit fuck who didnt need to open his damn mouth about shit no one asked of him#i really wish he would move out already. or fall down the stairs. either is fine.#i may be 1000% red eye angry but i have nothing in my heart for him but rage so i mean everything in those tags#ya know it's a good thing my insurance got renewed and i get to start therapy next year for real this time
1 note
·
View note
Text
im thinking about how they made oswald such a stereotypical gay man. like really old stereotypes that people don't even seem to perpetuate the modern day. but gotham had to. they went ok lets give this fag an overbearing mother and absent father. oh and make him overly neurotic. oh and also let's pull the 1950s trope of the homicidal homosexual. and so they did and then the entire series is like "let's see how much we can make this gay man suffer." there's not really a Point to this post i just find it interesting bc it stood out to me so much and ive talked to my friends about it but no one else online seems to have mentioned it
which is crazy bc the only thing you could do to make him any more stereotypically gay would be to make him extra flamboyant and really into theater and do drugs and listen to amy winehouse.... but they had to save those stereotypes for the other gay lmao
#the homicidal part is fine bc everyone in this show is the killer#and im also a gay stereotype ig bc i think thats sexy#but like. is no one else picking up on the classic stereotypes#of him being such a momma's boy#and oh the neurosis#look i love gotham. its so camp. but they would have benefited so much from more diversity in the cast and writers room#like imagine gotham but gay people are allowed to be gay and women are allowed to exist without being absorbed into the jim vortex#and if less than 99% of the cast were white. and if they didnt have to bend over backward ti avoid politics to the point of absurdity#like yeag in gotham crime exists because everyone is either evil or insane. and people are only poor because theyre stupid and need#guidance from some random white woman to tell them that stealing from each other is not productive actually. and no one has ever thought of#this before#and police brutality is bad but also good sometimes. if jim does it its good. unless he does it in a bad way. the morals are arbitrary#what im saying is gotham is insane#its an insane tv show full of horrible stereotypes and nonsensical writing#and yet its soooooooo fucking good#its so fitting that its on tubi bc thats exactly where a show like gotham belongs#right up there with such classics as shark side of the moon and zombie shark and other various nonsense#like again to be clear i fucking love gotha#gotham*#and its so good it made me start reading comics#which i formerly had no interest in#like im fully in my gotham obsession era#i just also yell at the screen a lot while watching#i would not be criticizing a show this much if i did not ultimately enjoy it and think it is worth watching
0 notes
Text
Yandere Prison Warden
After getting thrown into jail for a crime you refuse to talk about, one of the wardens takes a keen interest in your past. Tags: Male Yandere x Fem Reader, blood, violence, mentions of child abuse, lowkey kind of sweet, 10k words
Being in jail is no fun. Being in a maximum security prison after being found guilty of homicide? Somehow even less fun.
You've tried to make the best of it. Got some posters to put up in your cell, started a book club, took up macramé. But you can't really paint a veneer of normalcy over incarceration.
It's violent, it's dirty, and most inmates tend to avoid you. And the thought of at least thirty more years of the same routine, day in and day out? Well, that's plain depressing.
Still, some days are worse than others. Today seemed like it was going to be a good day. The cafeteria food was actually hot, an acquaintance shared some gum with you, you managed to get a new book from the library. Things were, if not great, at least bearable.
Until the tour.
The wardens - also called Corrections Officers, COs, screws, or rotten, motherless bastards - were almost always training new recruits. The prison system had an unsurprisingly high turnover, which meant an almost constant stream of new faces. With time, you'd learnt to ignore the tours and walk-throughs. With one exception.
Slammer.
He was a senior CO who seemed to almost always turn your cell into the final stop on his grand introductory tour of the glorious prison system. Maybe you were just nice to look at or maybe he had a chip on his shoulder. Either way, things almost always ended with you being gawked at.
Like right now.
The 'tour group' was clustered outside your cell. Slammer was in the lead, his baton out and his little piggy eyes gleaming.
The trainees were in their new minted uniforms. Most of them uncomfortable and tugging at the scratchy, starched collars. You could have told them not to bother. That it was better for them to at least pretend they were comfortable. COs weren't your friends - every single prisoner in here would see that lack of confidence, that slight sense of unease. And they would pounce on it the first chance they got.
You hated being looked at like a zoo animal. And you especially hated the way Slammer showed you off to them like you some prize piece in his menagerie. Fellonus Homicidus perhaps.
You hated feeling their eyes on you. But you weren't going to make the mistake of showing them that. The less the COs knew about you, the better. It was like rule number three of incarceration. (Rule one being ‘never trust a warden’ and rule two being ‘don't fight the jacked inmate with prison tattoos.' Obviously).
You didn't bother to get up from your bunk to greet them. You stayed just as you had all afternoon - one arm behind your head and one leg hanging off the bed.
You pretended to keep reading your beat up paperback.
"This one is especially dangerous. Stabbed her neighbour forty eight times before the cops could get her off," Slammer told them.
"Forty six," you corrected without looking away from your book. "Coroner said it was forty six. Allegedly."
You could feel their eyes on you again.
"Right," Slammer drawled, "Because those last two stabs made all the difference."
You didn't bother to answer him.
"She really did that?" One of the trainees, a lanky guy with too large ears, asked. "She looks harmless."
You were almost offended at that. You flicked your eyes over them. They were mostly men, and most of them were looking at you in that hungry, contemplative way you knew so well. Wondering how much they could get away with once they were full fledged COs.
It should have bothered you. It didn't. Horny COs were just a part and parcel of life here. If you were smart, you could wring all sorts of goodies out of them before their supervisors caught on.
"Listen to me son. Every single prisoner in here is dangerous. They wouldn't be locked up if they were like you and me. They don’t feel guilt, not even when they steal from their poor old momma."
"You wound me, Slammer." You turned the page with a flick of your thumb. "I loved my mama. Only stole from her once or twice."
You didn't have much hope of them noticing your sarcasm. COs weren't the brightest bunch.
Slammer ignored you. "Don't ever say they're harmless. They sure as hell ain't. Two weeks here and you'll know exactly what I mean."
You could tell they didn't believe him. In the popular imagination, a women's prison was nothing like the men's. Women weren't dangerous. The trainees probably assumed you spent all day knitting scarves and talking about the lovely husband and kids you were oh so keen to get back to.
They would lose that notion pretty damn fast.
"Are you supposed to tell us the prisoners' charges?" A man's voice, neutral and respectful, but you thought you could hear a hint of reproach in his tone.
You looked back at the group and you were amazed that you didn't notice him earlier. He stood perfectly still, hands clasped behind his back like he was at parade rest. Unlike the others, he had the quiet confidence of someone who knew their job and knew it well.
His blond hair was slicked back and his uniform sat on him in a way that was a lot more natural than any of the others trainees. Ex-military or police, if you had to guess. Not that unusual. Corrections wasn't such a huge leap from those fields.
You sat up and answered him before Slammer could get a chance.
"He's not. Inmate information is confidential. But Slammer here doesn't always listen to the rules."
You shot the head CO a condescending smile. "He's a reaaal rebel."
Slammer scoffed. "The new officers have a right to know exactly how dangerous you are."
You put a hand to your chest, all faux innocence. "Little old me? Slammer, I'm a saint! A nun! I've been to chapel three times this week."
"Yeah. To sell cigarettes and buy booze."
"Just as the good Lord intended."
Slammer didn't find you funny. You could tell from the fact that a) he wasn't laughing and b) he was grinding his teeth like he was a beaver about to dig into a particularly scrumptious tree.
"Fact is, prisoners like her are the worst of the bunch. You think they're harmless, but the second you turn your back, they'll shiv you and run off with your tazer."
You grinned at the trainees as winningly as you could.
"Only did that once by the way. And the guy had it coming, swear on my mama."
Most of them were shifting around uncomfortably. Hearing Slammer keep banging on about your crimes was finally enough to get it through to them. The prisoners are not nice.
You'd assume that was obvious, but incarceration taught you that however slow you thought the wardens were, they could always get dumber.
The only one who didn't seem bothered was the blonde. He was looking at you like you were nothing more or less than a piece of furniture. You got the sense that he was analysing you, looking past your fake smile and even faker bravado.
You also got the feeling that he wasn't impressed with what he saw.
You flopped back down on your bunk and tried not to let it bother you. One more person thinking you were a delinquent. What difference did it make?
He was the last to leave. His eyes did one final scan of your cell before they landed on your paperback. He raised a brow.
"The Green Mile? Isn't that a bit depressing?"
You shrugged, uncomfortable but not entirely sure why.
"I like to think of it as aspirational."
"And why's that?"
"The wardens aren't all assholes."
That earned you a flicker of a smile before he turned on his heel and disappeared.

You forgot all about him after a week. To be fair, there were other things to occupy you. A fist fight on D Block that you somehow got dragged into. Drama in the book club. A warden getting caught with his pants down. Standard prison fare.
It was a Tuesday when you saw him again, in the middle of the cafeteria. You only had a split second to recognise him before he was dousing you in pepper spray and sweeping your legs out from under you.
That was misleading maybe. He wasn't totally unjustified in greeting you like that. You were technically in the middle of beating a CO with a lunch tray.
(He deserved it, but that's not exactly a good excuse when his nose is gushing blood all over the table).
You were still coughing on pepper spray when he hauled you to solitary, your eyes and throat burning.
"Glad...to see you got...the job Blondie," you managed to wheeze.
He sent you stumbling into the cell with a practiced push.
"Yep," he said simply, "They hired me on the spot."
Your shoulder was still a painful mess when he slammed and locked the door, leaving you in the half dark to wash the stinging out of your eyes.
You rubbed at your aching joints. "I can see why."
Pepper spray was considered the least lethal way to subdue a prisoner. Easier than a taser, less brutal than the baton. But despite its shining reputation, it was your least favourite tool in a CO’s belt. A taser was at least quick. The baton left a bruise but the pain didn't linger.
Pepper spray on the other hand? It left your eyes and throat and nose irritated for days.
You were still trying to rinse it out of your mouth when he returned, boots heavy on the linoleum and his keys rattling.
You turned to him with your white prison issued tank practically soaked. To most other guards, that would be an invitation to gawk. Not him though. His eyes never dipped below your chin.
"Sit down. I've got some cold cloths for the swelling."
You sat, more confused than anything else.
"That's not standard regulation Blondie. Usually, they just let us suffer through it."
He tossed you the cloths, still icy from a quick minute in the freezer. You pressed them to your face gratefully.
"It is standard regulation. Treating pepper spray once the prisoner is subdued."
You scoffed. "Why am I not surprised that no one ever told us that?"
He stayed quiet and you peaked at him over the edge of the fabric. He was a lot leaner than you realised, his sleeves rolled to his elbows, his forearms toned with muscle.
And covered in tattoos. Damn, he had some sick tats.
You cleared your throat, not exactly sure why he bothered to do this for you.
"Thank you. It sucks to deal with. Makes everything taste awful. For days."
He raised a brow.
"I just dragged you to solitary and your main worry is that the food won't taste good?"
"The food never tastes good. This is more so a matter of bloody awful becoming hellish awful."
"It can't be that bad."
"Get back to me after you've spent five years chomping down on lukewarm hash browns and soggy peas."
"You've been in here five years already?"
You sighed, pressed the cloth against your brows so you didn't have to look at him.
"Yep. And I've still got another thirty to go."
"Why?"
That got an unexpected laugh from you.
"Didn't you hear Slammer? Homicide. Found guilty on all charges."
"Did you do it?"
"Allegedly."
What was his angle? Was this some new, interactive approach to corrections? Getting friendly with the inmates so they were less likely to riot?
"Didn't they teach you not to ask those sorts of questions?" you asked. "Not really something people in here like to talk about."
You saw that little flicker of a smile again.
"They did. But I get the feeling you don't mind it as much."
He was right. You didn't mind. At least, not with him. He had a kind of quiet confidence that, surprisingly, made you feel comfortable.
"Why did you want to work in a prison? Or more accurately, what the hell went wrong that you ended up here?"
"You think it's such a bad job?"
"I'd never do it and I live here."
He leaned against the cell wall, hands on his belt. There it was again. A veteran's stance, weapons in easy reach in case you tried something.
"It's a boring story."
"I've got nothing but time."
That earned you another raised brow.
"As we've established."
What's this? A CO actually cracking a joke? You never thought you'd see the day.
"And anyway, we're not here to talk about me. I'm here to find out why you attacked my fellow officer."
Ah, so that was why he was playing nice.
"I didn't like his face."
He narrowed his eyes and pushed himself off the wall. "Disappointing. I thought you'd have a better reason than that."
You didn't like his tone, or the way it made you feel. Ashamed. Like you'd failed his test, even though you didn't know you were supposed to be studying.
He paused at the door, like something occurred to him.
"What's her name? The girl he was picking on?”
You raised you head. "What?"
"The guard you attacked. He was causing trouble, wasn't he?"
How did he know? Did he see it? Oh God, was Ruby going to get into shit because of you?
"Listen, she had nothing to do with it. She had no idea what I was going to do. It was all me."
He shrugged. "How am I supposed to believe that's true if I don't know the full story?"
You bit your lip. You didn't like saying too much to the COs. And your instinct was telling you this one would be able to read a lot deeper than the rest.
"Guess I'll just have to ask her then."
"No!" You dug your hands into your sheets to stop yourself from bolting to your feet.
"No, Ruby has nothing to do with it I swear. She’s almost sixty. She gets enough shit as it is. Just leave her alone."
You swallowed. "Please."
He was looking at you again, much sharper this time.
"Explain."
Your grip on the sheets tightened until your knuckles were pale. Did you really have to talk about this shit out loud?
"Ruby is..." you started. "She's different. Older than most of us, keeps to herself. She's not...all there, if you know what I mean."
He turned to face you and settled back against the wall. "Go on."
"Most of the inmates don't bother her. Why would we? She's just a little old lady. Not harmless, no ones really harmless, but about as close to it as you can get. But some of the COs..."
His lips thinned. "They have a nasty streak."
"You can call it that. Usually it's just calling her names. But sometimes some of them get it into their heads that what she really needs is a hard knock. Rattle those screws around enough and maybe they'll fall back into place."
"Is that what happened today?"
You sighed, looked down at your hands and the blood dried in the crevices of your nails.
"Yep. CO was all in her face, being nasty. Grabbing her wrist. Taunting her. And she... she just stood there and took it. Old enough to be the his grandmother and he didn't care."
You closed your eyes.
What else were you supposed to do?
He'd been at it for five minutes when you stood up with your lunch tray. By then you'd had enough. No one else was going to do anything, so it was going to be you.
The lunch trays were a hard plastic, meant to keep from breaking on impact. You'd left your half eaten bowl of chow on the table and walked up behind him, your heart beating steady and calm. Some part of you had already decided the consequences were worth it.
Some of the inmates were looking at you and every single one of them knew exactly what you intended. But none of 'em said a word.
You could still feel the smack of your tray against his head. The way he stumbled forward with the momentum.
You'd caught him by surprise and you weren't going to let him get over it. You swung the tray at his face, as hard as you could. You could feel his nose breaking. He was on his knees by then. And maybe you'd have let him up, might have ended things there.
But then you saw Ruby's wrist. A frail thing, with the warden's finger marks standing out a livid red.
"I see."
You opened your eyes. He was still watching you, his face unreadable.
You shrugged and tried to smile.
"Today was practically hum drum by our normal standards."
"How exciting," he deadpanned.
"Just wait 'til Christmas time. It gets positively festive."
He snorted and started for the door again.
"You're aren't such a hard ass after all, are you? Saving little old ladies in your spare time," he said.
"Just think how safe senior citizens will be when they let me back out."
It was only for a few seconds, but you liked it when he smiled. It softened that tough guy demeanour just enough to make you wonder about the man underneath.
When he was gone, you laid down with the cloth still pressed against your cheek. Who'd have thought it. A CO who you didn't want to punch in the teeth.

The CO you beat didn't come back to work for two weeks, and when he did, you heard that he asked for a transfer to a different block.
Ruby made you a macaroni necklace and said something about alien warships picking you out of everyone else. You figured that was her way of saying thank you.
And maybe the most notable thing of all: Blondie was assigned to your cell block. Surprising. Yours wasn't the worst part of the prison, but you weren't a bunch of saints either. Rookies wouldn't even be considered until they'd had at least a year's experience.
It was yet another thing pointing to his past. Something, somewhere, had given him enough experience to slip ahead on the promotion queue.
You didn't much mind it. Hell, you'd almost say it was enjoyable. He wasn't rude, he didn't pick favourites and he was keen eyed enough to catch a lot of the under table business that inmates engaged in.
You didn't go out of your way to talk to him - getting too cosy with a CO wasn't a good look - but you made it a point to greet him whenever you could.
Well, you called it greeting. Most other folk saw it as a smirk and a sing song "Hey there Blondie!"
He must have had some sort of interest in you too. You'd look up from your lunch and see him watching you, head tilted just a little. Like he was trying to puzzle you out. You took to winking at him whenever you caught him.
It would usually be enough to make him look away, but never for long. His eyes would always find you again.
You should have been annoyed at it, or unnerved. But honestly, the way he looked at you was borderline sweet compared to the other COs. You'd occasionally catch some of them watching you too. Usually with their hands on their belts.
There wasn't much to do in prison besides read, sleep and exercise. But around the third week after his arrival, you started getting letters.
Not totally uncommon. Plenty of folk wrote to prisoners. But to you? That was a different story. You put the letters you received into two categories: perverts and the pervertedly curious.
The perverts were exactly what you'd expect. People who thought your mugshot was the hottest thing since Megan Fox taking a swim. Their letters were particularly uncomfortable to read. And often sticky. You never wrote back.
The pervertedly curious were a whole ‘nother class. They probably ran across your case on a true crime podcast or on a documentary. And their first thought at hearing the story was to wonder exactly what it felt like. They'd write and ask you what was going through your mind. What did the knife feel like sinking into his flesh? What did the blood smell like?
A fun bunch of freaks. You'd write back sometimes, more for your own amusement than anything else. Your answers were never even remotely true. I was mostly thinking about how late my taxes were and what a bastard it would be clean up. Stabbing him felt like cutting a steak except more scream-y. The blood smelt like a stack of pennies on a warm summer day, but mostly it just smelt like blood.
You'd always end your sentences with your trademark allegedly.
These new letters were nothing like those at all. The paper was crisp and clean and most importantly, not sticky. The folded lines were sharp, like the writer pressed them down with their thumb nail.
The writer didn't ask about the murder. They didn't ask about your bra size. They were almost...sweet.
You must be lonely in prison. You must get bored. I hope you're safe.
You read it again and again before you wrote a reply. Silly really. They seemed much too nice to be writing to someone like you. Maybe someone trying to do a good deed.
You should scare them off. Writing to a prisoner is sweet and all, but most folk in here would use it as just another way to wring someone dry. You were no different. Your anonymous pen pal would be better off working at the animal shelter if they wanted to help a stray.
I've got a whole host of buddies. We discuss the best ways to get blood out of our socks and pillow cases. I'm not bored at all. We've got a badminton league. Obviously the best way to spend federal cash. I'm as safe as a lamb in the hay. Only got stabbed twice last week.
There. That would get rid of them.
You mailed it out on cheap exam pad paper with a stamp you lifted off your neighbour. You didn't expect a reply.
When the mail got delivered the next week, you were more than a little surprised to find a new letter waiting for you.
The same crisp paper, the same neat, slanting hand.
You can't scare me off. I know you're only prickly and sarcastic because deep down you're scared. Scared a lot. Scared all the time.
I looked you up. You were barely out of high-school when it happened. Well behaved, normal family, no record of misdemeanours. Prison must have been an awful adjustment.
You had to put the letter down and take a deep breath. The kid clocked you. Less than two letters in and they'd read you better than anyone had in years. Better than anyone ever had maybe.
What were those first few years like, I wonder. How did you survive? Please write me back. I like checking in on you.
You considered not replying. What were they hoping to achieve, getting all familiar with a killer?
The letter sat on your shelf for half a week before you gave in and wrote a reply.
I survived by being mean and cruel and evil. Stop writing me kid. I'll bite your head off and drink your blood.
The next letter came almost instantly. If anything, the writer seemed amused more than anything else.
Scary. Did they put you in for homicide or suspected vampirism? You want to get rid of me, but I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to reply, but I know you must need a friend. They aren't easy to come by behind bars. Any alliances you form will always have the expectation of reciprocation. It must be exhausting.
Did I tell you I bought a new car last week? A Camaro. I know. How stereotypical of a Marine to buy a car like that, right? But it's gorgeous. I'd like to take you for a drive someday. Nothing but the open road. I think you'll like that.
You didn't even wait a full day before you wrote back. Because they were right. You really did need a friend. Someone to just shoot the breeze with, without any subtext of a favour being repaid later on.
You didn't know anything about your mysterious pen pal. Not their age or their gender or even the colour of their eyes. They signed all their letters with a simple from B.
They mostly asked you questions. Not obtrusive or gross ones either. They wanted to know which foods you missed the most, which tv series and movies you wanted to catch up on, which actors you thought were getting Grammys this year.
When Grammy and Oscar season rolled around, you choked out a fellow inmate to get the TV remote. You left them sitting up on the couch, passed out and looking like they were just asleep. Blondie almost caught you. He walked past the door and paused to stare at your victim.
You gave him your most charming grin.
"She said the opening ceremony was too long and to wake her up when the red carpet is over," you explained.
He scoffed and moved on.
When you wrote your next letter, you packed it full of award show details.
B wrote to you for the better part of a year. But you only learnt a handful of things about them. They were in the Marines, they now worked some kind of federal job, they had tattoos, they liked Nicole Richie, and they hated fried chicken. Like really hated it. With a passion.
I promise to never cook you fried chicken, you wrote, only fried calamari, fried onion rings, fried mushrooms, fried liver, fried green beans, fried -
Can you even cook? they wrote back. Or are you just running your mouth?
For a while, you were happy. They'd occasionally send you new books in the mail, burnt CDs to listen to on your busted radio, packets of sweets.
Prison was hell, but it was a structured, expected sort of hell. You could deal with it.
But then she arrived.
You didn't bother to learn her name. She was tall and lean, green eyes like pond scum, and teeth chipped from fighting. You didn't like her from the first, but you had no reason to quarrel and so avoided her as much as you could.
Blondie didn't like her much either, and that's where the trouble started.
She'd deliberately bump into Blondie whenever she could. Hard enough that you could almost feel the impact.
"Oops... Didn't see you there."
If it was anyone else, they'd probably get thrown in solitary. But Blondie was a stickler for the rules. He'd brush his uniform off like just touching an inmate was enough to cause a plague. And then he'd settle his blue eyes on her, cool and detached.
"Watch where you're going next time."
That was how it went on. Weeks of passive aggression, slowly getting more and more physical.
You didn't want to intervene. Blondie could protect himself. Still, you kept your eye on him as much as you could.
There was another thing about the new girl you didn't like.
She had a way with people.
Could convince even the most stubborn inmate to do something, even if it was against their own best interest.
She got an inmate who was almost out on probation to attack and almost blind a CO. She got innocent old Ruby to start selling cigarettes. She almost got you to pick a fight with someone for damn near no reason at all.
She was dangerous, in a way no one before her had been. You could feel it in the harsh whispers after lights out. Got to make those dirty screws pay. Fucking COs have had it too good for too long. Who the fuck do they think they are anyway?
A riot was brewing. You started staying in your cell a lot more. Managed to pull some metal out of your mattress and spent every night sharpening it to a point.
Some of the COs were smart enough to notice the tension and your outside time got shortened to half an hour, lunch got pulled back to fifteen minutes. Their solution was to keep you locked in your cells for as much of the day as possible.
Not a good move.
Prisoners with no distractions tend to amuse themselves by planning all sorts of nasty things. How to grab a CO from behind and get their keys before anyone noticed. How to choke out the one bastard who kept throwing them in solitary. How to pay back all those times a CO groped them in the middle of a search.
You could feel it heightening to a point. Could feel it in the dirty, oily stickiness of the air.
When Blondie came past on patrol, you stopped him. You'd been hoping to catch him for a few days and you weren't going to miss your chance.
"Yes?"
Those blue eyes were staring straight through you, cool as a winter without a radiator.
You remembered the pepper spray, the cool cloth pressed against your burning skin.
"Listen, I think you should call in sick for the next week."
Oh no, it came out sounding like a threat.
You cleared your throat, tried to smile.
"I owe you one, okay? So just trust me on this and don't show up for a while."
He narrowed his eyes.
"There's going to be a riot,” he said.
"Seems like it."
"When?"
"I don't know. It's not exactly a scheduled thing. But it's going to be bad."
He looked away from you, scanning the long row of cells across from you. You could hear the ambient shuffling and coughing and laughing of a hundred people living together.
"Can it be stopped?"
You sighed. You'd seen it play out a few times already. Wardens had all sorts of ways to handle riots, but once the fever was brewing, it was near impossible to break. It was in the atmosphere, in the tense glances between prisoners. It was bigger than all of you.
He must have seen the answer in your face.
He shook his head, stubborn to the last.
"I've got a job to do. If I got scared every time the prisoners got rowdy I'd be out of work real quick."
You sighed and pulled away from the bars.
"Your funeral Blondie."
You really hoped it wouldn't be.

The thing that started the riot was so small that on a normal day you'd call it borderline routine.
A CO was watching the cafeteria line, hustling people along when they paused longer than he liked. When he came to one of the girls a few spots ahead of you, he got impatient and shoved her forward. Not hard. Barely enough to make her stumble.
You cringed. For a second or two, you imagined you could feel it on your skin. A static crackling like lightning about to strike.
She punched the CO in the throat.
He stumbled backwards, holding his neck and gasping.
Other prisoners were already moving forward. Three of them grabbed his arms and bunch of the others ripped off his gear. Taser and baton and pepper spray now in the hands of a pissed and petty prison populace.
The other officers were already coming forward, batons out. Usually that would be enough to break things up, but they had just about everyone against them. Numbers always won.
The veneer cracked and the riot finally started. It took less than a minute.
The yelling was enough to make your head throb. Bouncing off the cafeteria walls and ringing ringing ringing in your ears.
You ducked out of the way as much as possible, always on your guard. Riots weren't just dangerous for the wardens. Inmates saw them as a way to settle old scores without ending up in solitary or back in court. And lord knew, you'd accumulated a hell of a lot of grudges over the years.
A prisoner rushed you. She was clutching a shiv made out of a ballpoint pen and a piece of wire coat hanger.
You dodged, sticking your foot between her legs and making her stumble. Your adrenaline was pumping, your vision dark at the corners.
You grabbed her hair before she could recover, and slammed her head against the edge of a metal cafeteria table.
She dropped like a rock.
You stepped away before any of her friends noticed you, your heart so far up your throat you could almost taste it.
That's when you saw her. That green eyed bitch, slipping out a side door with two of her cronies behind her.
You could feel your neck prickling.
There was only one score she had to settle and you knew exactly who it was aimed at.
You followed as quickly as you could. The backup had arrived and two tear gas canisters were belching thick white smoke into the room.
Despite your best efforts, by the time you made it out your eyes were stinging and she was long gone.
You swore and sprinted down the corridor, thinking fast.
If she managed to corner Blondie, she’d want to take her time with him. That's how scores were settled when you had a mean streak. Slow. Painful.
That meant she’d want privacy. Somewhere the riot officers wouldn't immediately find her when things calmed down.
You grabbed the corner of a wall and used it to shoot down the main hall, prison issued sneakers pounding the linoleum.
The showers. That's exactly where you'd go if you were her.
She didn't have time to block the doors. You banged through them shoulder first, the same way a cop would. The room was still thick with steam from earlier and Blondie's blood was running in thin streams toward the drain.
"The fuck is wrong with you?" she barked.
Green eyes, the one who instigated this whole mess.
She was standing with her sleeves rolled up and a razor blade between her fingers. The small, rectangular kind that goes in a straight razor.
Her two cronies were holding Blondie by the arms, stretching him out like he was on a cross.
Blondie clearly hadn't made it easy for them. Green eyes had a nasty bruise blooming on her cheek and both her cronies were sporting ugly nose bleeds. His baton was laying abandoned on the shower floor, rolled up against a bench.
Even a man as strong and well trained as he was couldn't go up against three armed felons and win.
You must have been just in time. The worst they'd done to him was cut his cheek, all the way from his temple to the bridge of his nose. It was bleeding bad, but didn't look too deep.
You straightened up and smiled at them, big and broad like you'd never had a better reunion.
"Having some fun without inviting me?"
Green eyes scoffed. "Why do you care? This shit is personal. Find something else to do."
You tilted your head, still smiling.
"You're right. It is personal. As in I owe Blondie over there a personal favour. As in I don't want you fucking with what's mine."
Blondie was watching you with those sharp eyes. If he took issue with being called yours, he didn't show it.
"Let him go." You didn't scream. You didn't demand. You simply said it. That's what made them nervous.
"Listen bitch - I don't care that everyone is scared of you. What you did on the outside doesn't matter one fucking bit."
You kept smiling, but your fingers were buzzing. The same why they had the night you stabbed a man forty six times.
You flicked your wrist and the shiv fell into your palm.
It was as long as your hand and sharpened into a wickedly pointed tip. It could slide between someone's ribs and kill them in less than five heart beats.
"They aren't scared of me because of what I did outside."
The two cronies were looking at each all worried-like. You vaguely recognised them, but it was clear that they recognised you no problem.
The boss turned to face you fully, light and easy on her toes like a boxer.
"You really gonna make a big deal over a fucking screw? A CO?"
"Since he's the only CO I've met who isn't a total piece of shit, I've got a vested interest in keeping him around."
She rolled his shoulders like a fighter would. You bit back a sigh. This was going to really hurt.
She didn't come at you right away. She ran her eyes over your body - your posture, your build, everything that might give you an advantage.
Then she charged.
Fast, even on the still slippery tiles. There wasn't enough time to duck or dodge.
You blocked her first punch with your arms, her fist smacking against your skin and spiking a sharp pain all the way down to your bones.
You stepped backward and kicked at her knee, but she saw it coming and turned her leg at the last second, took it on her thigh instead.
She’d dropped the razor blade - without a handle it was just as dangerous to her as it was to you - which meant she had full use of her fists.
She kept pummelling at you, catching you on the ribs and then on the sternum. You slammed back against the lockers, winded.
She pushed her advantage, going straight for your throat. You dropped down at the last second and her fist slammed full force into the metal.
She screamed and then screamed again as you slammed your shiv into her thigh.
You grabbed her throat and shoved her away from you, breathing hard.
She was clutching her thigh with one hand, blood welling up between her fingers. Dark red, but not enough to be fatal. You hadn't hit any arteries.
You slammed the heel of your hand into her nose, aiming upwards. You felt cartridge crunching.
She screamed again and scrambled away as quickly as she could with her injured leg.
Blood was running into her mouth, and when she snarled at you, her teeth were red.
You smiled again, as cheerful as a choir girl.
"Had enough?"
She spat blood at your feet.
You waited, half your attention on the other two. They hadn't yet moved to help her. You weren't sure if it was out of fear of letting Blondie go, or just a strong self preservation instinct.
Green eyes finally gave in. Or more accurately, her leg did. She buckled and fell, knees smacking hard on the tile. You winced.
She looked pale, in the about to pass out sort of way.
You sighed and jerked your head at her.
"Get her to the second floor nurses office. Wrap something around her leg. Tight. She’ll live but it's going to hurt a whole lot more if you aren't quick about it."
The other two were looking between you and her, eyes wide.
You wiped the back of your hand across your mouth, still holding the bloody shiv.
That seemed to decide them. They let go of Blondie all at once and grabbed their boss under the arms. Between the two of them, they were able to drag her out.
She left a trail of bright red behind.
When they were gone, you sat on the closest bench, holding your ribs. Hopefully they weren’t cracked - it hurt to breathe. You'd have to visit the infirmary as soon as things died down.
"She’s going to get even with you," Blondie said.
He was watching you. He hadn't moved. Blood was still running in thin streams down his cheek, like he was crying red.
"Yep. She's got a lot of friends too. It's not going to be fun."
"Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Act so light hearted about everything. I can see your hands shaking."
You balled them into fists and avoided looking at him. The silence stretched.
Finally, "Why did you really kill your neighbour?"
"I didn't like his face."
"I don't believe you."
"Believe what you want. The court already made up its mind."
He finally moved. Picked up his baton and slipped it into his belt. Grabbed a towel and balled it up, then pressed it against his face. The white started spotting red almost immediately. You watched him from the corner of your eye.
"Give me the knife."
"It's called a shiv. You should know that."
You rubbed the handle against your pants, getting rid of any fingerprints. Redundant, given there were three witnesses who saw you stab another inmate. Old habits don't really die, you supposed.
You handed it to him without looking at his face.
He wrapped it in a smaller towel and stuck it in his belt.
You could hear faint sirens from beyond the door, and his radio was crackling with orders. The wardens seemed to be getting things under control.
"I'm throwing you in solitary. And then I'm requesting a transfer to another block."
"Aww shucks, I'll really miss you Blondie."
"Not a transfer for me, you idiot. A transfer for you. It won't stop her entirely. There's always a little bit of communication between the blocks, no matter how hard we try and prevent it. But it should give you some time to make friends of your own."
"I've never been very good at that."
"Maybe try being less sarcastic."
He grabbed your upper arm and pulled you to your feet. His grip was light, a formality more than anything.
"Why did you really save me?"
You couldn't look at him. You shrugged.
"It's like I said. You're the least terrible warden in here. Not a very high bar to be fair, but still."
He started towards the door and you followed.
There were officers coming down the corridor in full riot gear. He waved them down and thrust you towards one.
"Solitary. Protective custody."
"Why?"
Blondie didn't even hesitate. "Because she saved my life."

Solitary wasn't so bad when the other option was tossing and turning on your bunk, just waiting for a knife to your ribs.
You'd almost call it relaxing. Your ribs were bandaged tight and the painkiller the doc gave you left you floating on a cloud of dope.
When you heard the footsteps pause outside your door, you didn't bother to get up.
Blondie didn't say anything for a long while. When he finally spoke, it was so soft that you had to strain to hear it.
"I still don't believe you. I don't think you're a cold blooded killer. I think that whatever happened between you and that man wasn't really brought before the court."
You sighed.
"Drop it Blondie."
"No."
Maybe it was the medicine or maybe it was the confession booth feeling of the half dark. Either way, you ended up giving away more than you intended.
"It doesn't matter. If the whole thing was public, it would only hurt people who've already been through enough."
"You had a reason for killing him."
"Yes."
"What?"
"I won't tell you. Won't tell anyone, ever. It's not my story to tell”
“You're in jail because of it. Who else could possibly have more to lose?"
"You'd be surprised."
It was his turn to sigh.
"I'm going to find out eventually, y'know."
"Have fun with that. Don't give yourself a headache."
He sighed and walked away.
You didn't see him again for half a year.

They kept you in solitary a whole week. Long enough for your ribs to stop hurting and for the bruises to lighten. Long enough for green eyes to be processed and transferred further up-state. That was unusual, even if she was the one who instigated the riot. You had a feeling someone pulled some strings behind the scenes. And you had an even stronger feeling about who it must have been.
When you were finally out, you were assigned to a new block. Your stuff was already waiting for you in your new cell, your books and CDs and a new letter from B.
Won't be able to write for a while. I've got something important to work on. Hopefully I'll be back soon.
You couldn't ignore the way that stung. Without meaning to, you'd come to rely on their letters. A little reprieve from the life you were stuck with.
The new block wasn't too bad. You took Blondie's advice and made some friends. Tried to avoid fights as much as possible. If green eyes ever managed to convince someone to get even for her, they didn't go through with it.
Life was, if not good, then at least bearable. You tried ignoring the little nagging part of you that constantly wondered about both Blondie and B. Without either of them, you felt...emptier somehow. Lonely.
When a warden came to tell you that you had a visitor, your heart lurched. Your family didn't visit you much anymore. And you cut off your friends the day you got convicted - no need to draw them into your mess. Secretly, you hoped it was B. You had no clue what they looked like, but after six months without hearing from them, you were almost desperate.
You smoothed down your uniform before you stepped into the visitors' centre, your eyes sweeping the room for familiar faces.
You noticed him almost immediately. Blondie, his hair shaggy when it wasn’t gelled back and his usual uniform replaced by a flannel shirt and jeans. A man was sitting next to him, his pinstripe suit still neat and pressed despite it being late afternoon.
He didn't even give you time to say hello.
"This is Mark Lawrence. Your lawyer."
You squinted at the man, confused. He was clearly a cut or two above the overworked district attorney who'd handled your case.
"No he isn't. I haven't seen him before in my life."
He sighed, irritated. "Mark is the lawyer I hired to represent you when we go to court next month."
"...Why am I going to court next month?"
"To challenge the original ruling."
"Okay. Why?"
"Because I've found another witness to your case, one that didn't testify last time."
You felt like were slammed face first into a bucket of icy water. With rusted nails in it.
"Who?"
"The victim's daughter."
"No."
"Yes."
Your handcuffs rattled as your balled your hands into fists.
"She's just a kid. What she needs is to put the past behind her, not re-live every minute of it up on the witness stand. No. We're not doing this."
You glared at him and he met you straight on. The tension cracked.
The lawyer finally interjected.
"Knowing the full details of the case changes things dramatically. Your charge goes from first degree murder to manslaughter. We might be able to cut your sentence down to fifteen years or less, with time served contributing."
"No. I'm not putting that little girl up on the stand."
Blondie practically snarled. "Yes. You. Are."
"No. I'm. Not."
"She's so much older now! Practically a teenager. She can handle it. And besides, she said she's happy to do it."
"You spoke to her?!"
Could this day get any worse? Why the hell did he have to go and drag up old memories? It must have been just as unpleasant for the kid as it was for you.
"Yes. Myself and the original detective both."
"Why? Is this what you've been doing the past six months? Trying to overturn my sentence?"
He looked away from you for the first time, his ears turning red.
"Yes."
You leaned back in your chair, conflicted and confused more than anything else. You hated to admit it, but a part of really wanted this. Even if the chance was slim, even if it meant another round of dockets and cross questioning. You were tired of prison. You wanted your life back.
You watched the late afternoon sun reflecting off the ceiling.
"I want to talk to her first. And then...maybe."
"Deal." Blondie sounded immensely satisfied.
You kept watching the sun and half listening to the conversations around you.
"Why are you doing this for me Blondie?"
Your voice was awfully soft.
"I'm returning a favour."
Your eyes slid to the lawyer.
"Pretty damn expensive way to do it."
He smirked. "I prefer my method to yours. Requires a whole lot less stabbing."

The kid came to visit you the next day. Blondie was right. She was almost a teenager. Did time really go by so fast?
You grinned at her.
"Hey kid. Sorry to drag you out to this place, but they don't let me out much."
"I bet."
She’d lost a lot of the baby fat from her cheeks and her dark eyes didn't have the haunted look you remembered so well.
"How's life with your aunt?"
"Great actually. The school is nice and we've got this Great Dane. And she isn't like... well, she isn't like my dad."
That made you happy. The kid deserved something good after everything she’d been through.
She broke in before you could keep asking questions.
"I want to do it. I want to testify against my father."
You paused, your smile fading. You could still hear her voice from that night, high and tinny and begging her dad to stop.
He hadn't stopped. He hadn't stopped beating his little girl until the moment you sunk a knife into his chest.
You swallowed, your mouth tasting like metal.
"Are you sure? It's not going to be easy."
She met your eyes. "I don't care. You saved me. I'm not going to let you rot in a place like this."
When she left, you couldn't help thinking about her eyes. The last time you saw her, she wouldn't even look at your face. Wouldn't say more than three words at a time.
The kid might never outrun her past, but she’d done a damn good job so far.

You tried not to be too hopeful. Homicide was almost impossible to overturn.
You tried not to be too hopeful, but the lawyer Blondie hired clearly knew his stuff. He laid it all out in front the judge.
How you used to babysit the kid when her dad wasn't around. How the man used to get violent when he was drunk, but never hit the kid until that night.
How you heard the screaming and banged at his door for fifteen minutes. How you broke in through a back window when it wouldn't stop.
How you found the girl half dead with her father standing over her. Still going at it.
How you grabbed a knife, just to try and threaten him, maybe bring him back to his senses.
How he attacked you. How you stabbed him and then kept stabbing him until he stopped moving.
How you bundled the kid off to her aunt and then called the cops on yourself.
The whole story this time. No pleading guilty and then sitting back down without another word. No half hearted defence by a state lawyer already over worked and underpaid. No half truths.
It took three weeks of court dates to get through the whole story, with witnesses and cross examination. By the time it was done, you wanted to wash your hands of the whole mess. Innocent or guilty, you just wanted to stop reliving that night.
The judge was a hard faced man who'd seen a thousand criminals come and go. You didn't have much hope for yourself when the bailiff told you to rise for the verdict.
"In the case of the state versus the accused, in regards to the appeal and additional information provided to the court, the court hereby considers this appeal to be..."
You felt your heart stutter. The last time you were in court listening to a verdict the outcome was a forgone conclusion.
"Granted."
You almost sat back down, your knees weak. There's no way. After all this time, were you really about to have your freedom back?
The judge continued, "The accused's sentence has been adjusted to account for time served. The original sentence of life imprisonment with the chance of parole after thirty years has been changed to immediate parole on strict assessment."
The judge looked at you, eyes maybe a little softer than they were before.
"This court will never condone murder, not even in defence of a child. But I think it's clear, young lady, that you've spent more than enough time behind bars."
Your lips felt numb. Your whole future changed in one sentence. In one afternoon. It was staggering.
"Thank you, your honour."
The bailiff read out a list of regulations to follow. Weekly check ins with both a parole officer and a state psychiatrist. No furthers run ins with the law, not even misdemeanours. If even one person close to you felt you were a threat, they could report it to the police and have you sent back to jail almost immediately. You were on house arrest until further notice. It was one of the strictest parole agreements you'd ever heard.
You didn't care if they told you to do a hundred push ups morning and evening. You were free again. You were going to behave like a damn saint for the rest of your days.
The only hiccup was when he mentioned the address that you were registered to stay at. You raised a brow at your lawyer but he avoided your eyes.
When court was finally dismissed, the first thing you did as a free woman was give Blondie a hug.
He was much taller than you, though you'd never realised it before.
"How much do I owe you? When I get a job, we can work out some kind repayment plan."
He waved you away and lead you from the courthouse. You tried to ask your lawyer about the house arrest, but he managed to slip away before you could.
His car was waiting for you. A new Camaro barely a year months old.
You let out a low whistle.
"She’s a beauty."
When you climbed into the passenger seat, you were sure to buckle your seat belt. No tickets for you, not ever.
The car started up with a thrumming purr.
It ate away at the road, even in the dense city centre. It wasn't long before you were almost at the city limits and cruising.
"By the way, do you know where I'll be staying? I didn't recognise the address."
You couldn't be sure, but it seemed like his hands tightened on the steering wheel just a tad.
"Mm-hmm. You're staying with me."
What? You couldn't possibly do that to him.
"Thank you. But don't you feel a little awkward having a felon in your home? I've still got my savings from before. I can rent my own place for a little."
"You're staying with me. Do you know how hard it is to get a good apartment with a criminal record?"
"I guessed as much. But Blondie, I already owe you. I can't possibly intrude on your life. Maybe you think you still owe me from that day. You don't. We're square."
He was quiet for a bit, but finally managed to force a smile into his voice.
"No. I'm not doing this because I feel indebted to you."
He kept his eyes on the road, his hand loose and confident on the wheel. His sleeves were rolled up again and you got your first good look at his tattoos. They were a collection of really well done pieces, each small tattoo blending with the others. Mostly fine line work, simple and clean.
"Why are you doing it then?"
He didn't answer.
When you arrived, his house was ranch style three bedroom with a huge, rolling yard and a neat wraparound porch.
You let out another low whistle.
"How do you afford this on a correction officer's salary?"
"I don't. It's paid off already. I was in the USMC for a long time. The money was good."
"I knew you weren't a normal civvie."
He grinned. "What gave it away?"
"The muscles."
He laughed and pulled your duffel bag from the trunk.
You'd told your parents to donate all your clothes when you were first sentenced. You didn't think you'd ever be free again so why hoard? Someone out there was probably making good use of your Doc Martens and distressed denim. Whatever normal clothes you currently had were what you were locked up with. The outfit on your back and little else.
The suitcase was instead filled with your meagre prison possessions, the stuff you didn't want to leave behind. Your collection of books. Some postcards. The CDs that B sent you.
Blondie carried it across the lawn like it weighed nothing at all.
Stepping into his house was a surreal experience. You hadn't been inside someone else's home since the night of your crime. Your last few years were exclusive to the grimy and outdated rooms of state buildings.
It was like stepping back in time. Or more accurately, like stepping into a future you thought was lost to you.
Clean, without the tang of cheap, industrial grade bleach. The walls painted and wallpapered instead of just whitewashed. The feeling of finally being somewhere you could relax. Not an in-between place.
Home.
He showed you to your room, a neat guest bedroom across from his, with a double bed and wide windows.
You didn't sit down on the bed or on the neat desk chair. You didn't feel clean enough. You still felt the stink and grime of prison clinging to you.
He raised a brow but showed you where the bathroom was.
It was another taste of freedom. Showers in prison were monitored and timed affairs. No standing under the water and just enjoying the heat, no taking the time to scrub and exfoliate. In and out and done as quick as possible.
You stood under the hot water for a long time, your face wet not just from the spray.
When you finally climbed out, you felt clean for the first time in years.
Blondie was gone when you got downstairs, a hasty note scrawled on the fridge about grabbing you some new clothes. You tilted your head at the handwriting. You could swear it looked so familiar... But no, it couldn't be. That was ridiculous.
You brewed yourself a hot drink, fully intending to sit on the porch and enjoy it. Like a little old woman.
The backdoor was locked.
You frowned. Okay, not that uncommon. Folk kept their doors locked all the time. He probably intended you to use the front door instead.
But that one was locked too.
So were all the downstairs windows. Closed shut with little hatches you hadn't noticed earlier.
You tried not to panic. He was probably just looking out for you. Being careful. You were still a felon. How did he know you weren't going to make a break for it the second you could, his tv and laptop in tow?
It was fine. You were fine. You could just drink at the table and wait for him to get home. You kept telling yourself that, even as you searched through the kitchen drawers for a spare key.
Nothing.
You didn't want to panic. You'd spent years locked away. Wasn't this much nicer than a cell?
No. Because at least in a cell you had no illusions about your freedom.
You ended up in his bedroom without knowing when you'd gotten there. You didn't dig through his drawers. He'd know instantly. But you did open them all, one by one, as if you'd find the key right on top of his neatly folded shirts.
You found the letters in the last drawer. The one right next to his bed, like he read them every night.
It took you a while to recognise them, even though you were looking at your own handwriting.
Your letters to B. Every single one of them. The envelopes neatly cut open and the letters themselves stacked in chronological order. The most recent one was at the very top and you picked it up with numb hands.
Hey B! Guess who's going back to court. Guess they missed seeing me strutting down the aisle.
Don't worry. I haven't down anything bad (at least not this time). Someone who thinks they owe me a favour has gotten it into their head that the best way to repay me is to get me out of jail.
The legal way, that is. No midnight tunnels or disguises. (Boo. How boring. What happened to romance?)
I don't have much hope, but at least it means a break in the monotony. And nicer chow.
You'd better write me soon. Can't believe I'm admitting this out loud, but I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart whenever I get a new letter from you. I think it must be acid reflux.
-your favourite felon.
B did, in fact, write back quickly. For the last time - no return address on the letter. In that, and in so many other ways, it was clear it was the final letter you were getting.
You're the most complicated person I've ever met. Caring and kind but somehow wrapped up in the most sarcastic personality. I've fallen in love with you. Stupid. Incredibly stupid. But it's true.
I love you.
-B
You'd sat in your cell with your eyes almost bugging out of your skull. Wondering what B did to have the misfortune of falling for a girl like you. Wondering if you could have loved them back, if given the chance. Wondering who they really were.
Well, here was your answer. B, the person who wrote you sarcastic poetry and hunted down your favourite books, was Blondie, the warden who owed you his life.
And he was in love with you.
You sat down, knees replaced by lunch time jelly cups.
No wonder he did what he did. No wonder he paid for an attorney and got your house arrest registered at his house. No wonder he kept the doors and windows locked.
There was a light step behind you and you flew to your feet, the letter still clutched in your fist.
He was standing in the doorway, watching you with cool blue eyes.
"So. You found them."
You couldn't answer.
He stepped into the room, his eyes never leaving yours. He'd taken off his shirt and stood in only his tank top and jeans, his arms lean with muscle. You'd spent years fighting and you knew in one glance that you could never take him. He was stronger. Had years of Marine and police training. It had taken three prisoners and a razor blade to finally hold him. What chance did you have?
"The world isn't built for prisoners. Rehabilitation is hard. What were the stats again? Eight out of every ten end up back in jail before ten years is up?"
He continued towards you, as calm as ever.
"You're safer here. With me. You said you'd be a great housewife remember?"
"I was joking," you managed. "Just kidding around."
He reached you and gently took the letter from your unresisting fingers.
"I won't make you do anything you don't want to. But you're not leaving me. You're not leaving this house."
"Why?"
He smiled, that half smile that gave you a glimpse past his tough guy shell. This time, you didn't like what you saw.
"You know why."
"I'm a terrible person to love. I'm prickly and sarcastic and I suck at doing the dishes."
"I've got a dishwasher."
"All I know how to cook is fried chicken."
He wrinkled his nose. "We'll work on it."
"I snore all night."
"You don't. I've watched you sleep."
"Really?"
"Really. I'd stop outside your cell and just watch you sometimes. I couldn't help it. You're so much calmer when you sleep. It's like seeing another version of you."
He tilted his head and closed the last bit of distance between you, until you could smell his cologne and see the flecks of green in his eyes. You'd never noticed them before.
"There are worse cells than this, aren't there? All you have to do is stay with me. Be happy. Let me love you."
"Do I have a choice?"
He smiled that secret smile again.
"Nope. It's either me or straight back to prison."
It was true. He was a model citizen – a veteran with a clean record as a corrections officer. Even if you did talk to your mandated psychologist or parole officer, they wouldn’t believe you. You’d be the ungrateful prisoner trying to manipulate her way out of house arrest.
You knew it from the start. Rule one - never trust a warden. They never have your best interests at heart. All they want is to cover their own skin and get theirs.
But, you never were very good at following the rules, were you?
#Oops my finger slipped#This was supposed to be a drabble#Yandere Warden#yandere#yandere drabbles#yandere imagines#yandere oc x you#yandere scenarios#yandere x reader#yanderecore#yandere x darling#X reader#Reader insert#Fem reader#male yandere x reader
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
also hey can we talk about violent psychosis for a sec. cause i really appreciate all the talk surrounding psychosis positivity and stuff but a lot of it is "we're not all violent! sometimes hallucinations can be positive!" like sorry mine are not. im scary psychotic.
im "cant have anything that even remotely could be used as a weapon in the house" psychotic. im "if i miss my meds one day i have to go to the hospital for homicidal and suicidal thoughts that literally aren't my own thoughts but theyre controlling my actions" psychotic. im "im seeing horrors you cant even imagine to the point where i dont exist in the same world as you anymore" psychotic.
im not going to hurt you, i just need help. when im rocking in the corner talking to myself at 3am, remember that i am in a state of terror. im afraid for my life. i either genuinely believe everything is trying to kill me, and i only know one way to deal with it; or something is telling me to be violent or else it will kill me; or i have dissociated so hard that i autopilot myself to violence to try and wake myself up.
some of us are violent, and that's okay, because it has to be, because it's the truth. just get us help.
#in other words quetiapine my beloved#psychosis#psychosis positivity#mad pride#lessons of the hand and the mouth
8K notes
·
View notes