#“this is intrusive. is this actually intrusive though if i dont mind it”

[c0ntaminxted]

is it an intrusive thought if im not that bothered by it

[kalashtars]

had someone tell me today they think I would be diagnosed with ocd before autism and i cannot stop thinking abt it

[canisalbus]

might be an odd question, but i have a theory after noticing trends amongst artists iv known in my life and SO FAR it's rung true so im expanding sample size

IDK if u know what aphantasia is already so I'm including reference [forgive me if uv already spoken abt this also]

Where would u say u fit on the scale?

For me I cannot see an apple, I know I am supposed to, or I will see concepts of it [like how the flesh is shiny and holds water droplets but i do not SEE it nor can i hold a clear visual of anything in my mind for that matter it is always flashing IDEAS like components of a visual, never the whole thing]

I'm asking because of people I've asked about this, there's a quality of their art that [i dont know how to put into words WHY] reminds me of each other, and I'm wondering if u will give me the same answer they have because I am a curious little bastard

I'm pretty sure I'm 1? I think I might have one of those brains that operate mostly on visuals. I don't need to close my eyes to see the image in my mind, it just sort of "opens in a different window" and I'm looking at reality and the mental image simultaneously.

It's never a flat picture, I see a 3D model of sorts, and I can rotate it around, cut it into pieces, look "through it" to see it from outside and inside at the same time, and arrange it to different poses if it's a character. Sometimes when I'm drawing something, I imagine what it would feel like to touch it and hold it in my hands, and that helps me to figure out how to convey a better sense of volume and tangibility.

I also think in images (or, like, gifs?) and I've never had an internal monologue. It surprised me when I heard that some people actually have a narrator in their heads, I can't imagine what it's like.

It's not always fun though, sometimes I get pretty nasty intrusive thoughts and they come in forms of vivid and very unpleasant mental images. Like visiting a relative's grave and being hit with a crisp picture of their decomposing body. Or getting those "I could walk in front of that car/ jump down from here" call of the void thoughts and instantly getting a brain illustration of it playing out from an onlooker's point of view and what the aftermath would look like. They're most distressing when it's bad things happening to someone I care about, for example I have a really persistent one about accidentally slamming a door on my cat and seeing him crushed and dying.

Oddly enough it doesn't extend to all visual thinking. My mind's eye and visual memory work well, but I also have severe face blindness and practically nonexistent ability to form mental spatial maps of my surroundings.

[darqx]

HEEEY MACARENA (ALRIGHT!)

Here's some long overdue BP and HH asks :) I tend to combine the two since there's not as many as the RADs, so this starts with BP and then moves into HH/Gen qs.

BP

MUAH ~ (I actually doodled this some time last year for fun and whimsy, based on those long mouth kiss meme pics XD)

A very quick overview of these types!

Vescordem: Maneaters/cannibals, excessively tall and strong.

Aleores: Minor dealmakers (goods and services). Jaw can unhinge and has venomous bite.

Sollicio: Major dealmakers - soul stealing ability. Often very good looking, has ichor powers.

Voxter: Ability to project 'thoughts' into someone else's mind - you ever have an intrusive thought? Same concept. All have a unique mark across the top part of their face.

Caumacies: Maneaters/cannibals, very strong. Has a third eye which sees only in heat vision - rarely opened simultaneously with normal eyes.

Hmm M or MA15 i think 🤔

You know, i actually have an idea for a game that has nothing to do with anything I'm currently doing XD One day i'll actually have time to make it, maybe. But anyway currently my actual project is i'm planning on making a comic \o/

I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE that i have thumbnailed like 70 pages of this bloody thing and i'm still only in the first quarter of the planned chapters lol OTL Once i finish thumbing the chapter I'm on I plan to go back and render the pages properly before starting to post them :D

...which should hopefully give me a buffer as i repeat the process for the next chapters |D

You know, the concept of my characs being comfort characs for someone will never get old for me. It just tickles me pink ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ This answer will have two levels to it.

It's fine to RP or ask blog with Rire - he's one of my more "known" characs thanks to BTD so as long as credit is given (and it's made clear I'm not running the blog so it's not canon) then it's cool.

I'd prefer if no ask/RP blogs are created for any of my other BP or HH characs, as they are not as known yet. This may be revisited once i actually get the BP comic out but for now it's a no, sorry! (Though, if you are RPing in like...a private Discord with other friends who know who the characs are then I'm a bit more lenient with that.)

The reason for the BP/HH level is that ages ago when I had started establishing my own characs more, I randomly happened to find a forum where someone was RPing as Izm and .D but no one else knew who the characs were and so they clearly thought the RPer was the original artist and creator. Said RPer was not dissuading anyone of that notion. That has stuck with me for forever because at the time i never anticipated that someone would...actually try and do that with an OC. Like, bro srsly?!

One pet peeve for everyone:

.D: Willfully stupid people

Izm: .D smoking. He could care less if anyone else smokes but .D is not allowed on his watch

Marcus: Having decisions made for him without his input

Zeke: "How's the weather up there?"

Wei Ren: When people think he can't understand English cos he has an accent and so they deliberately speak slower and louder

Geez Caleb why are you damn RUDE

Here's one i prepared earlier! 😌

I'm not sure why you included Marcus as a demon, he's a human lol.

HH/More Gen

There are clubs which are created by students but need approval from the adults to exist.

HH is one of the better boarding schools which generally turn out successful alumni. The "obvious problems" we see are not actually obvious lol.

He doesn't need such manipulations.

Thanks! I hope you are inspired to go forth and create stuff! :D

One of the only perks of being a prefect at HH, really :d

Absolutely not lol

↓

4. These types of qs are always amusing to me only because you guys expect me to know but i absolutely do not XDD. Do normal people actually have a fave animal?? I dont even have a fave animal!! Anyway offshoot aside sorry that i can't even randomly assign anything, but if you are interested here is what they might be AS animals lol.

They actually don't have names because they were randomly designed NPCs i drew as like, placeholders |D;

Not including Rire or Nurse Isla:

.D is asexual, Izm is bisexual, and everyone else is straight probably. Caleb and Desmond are violently straight (as in Des is like very 90s stoner bro adamantly vocal about being straight and Caleb will actually try and break your neck for insinuating anything).

I have some female characs but I dont draw them that often as they are more side characs in BP and HH. The ones ive's drawn at least once are Isla (who looks like this, also doodled above), Tish (Des's sister) and Kenzie and Kelly (Zeke's sisters).

Every once in a blue moon i get an ask saying this but whenever i go to check nothing is wrong, so...nothing is wrong they do work |D; As the age old tech saying goes have you tried turning it off and on again? :d

Aren't those kind of things supposed to be...based on yourself??

[laithraihan]

now i’m kinda curious to hear what you think of proshipping.. if you don’t mind of course

I'll share my thoughts, and if theres anything I say that doesnt make sense feel free to point it out to me because I mostly write with the help of a translator. Under the cut because I wrote too much stuff.

TLDR: proshippers hate me because I dont want to look at glorified depictions of pedophilia/incest/etc, antis hate me because my content isnt 100% sanitized. I stay around anti circles because I find it slightly easier for me to talk about my headcanons with them even though I think they can be insufferable.

So the thing about proshipping. From what I've seen it means being "anti-harassment" and being in support of curating your online experience, which sounds great on paper and that's practically what I do. I have over 3k accounts blocked on my personal twitter to navigate the website more easily and I also dont care if someone blocks me if they dont like my stuff.

Except proshippers never consider me a proshipper because I am uncomfortable with viewing glorified depictions of topics like pedophilia, incest, rape, all that stuff. The same way people are uncomfortable with excessive blood and gore (which I also can't really handle seeing). Whether or not it's always easy to tell if it's glorified is an entirely different topic, which is precisely why I stay away from all depictions in general to avoid being intrusive.

And what's interesting is that I do not label myself an "anti". Mainly because I don't even know what the term "anti" is supposed to mean ("anti-" what exactly. Genuinely please tell me because I actually dont know) But the ones who label themselves "proship" always call me an anti, because again I do not wish to engage with content related to pedophilia etc, and that alone apparently enough to be considered "a person who harasses others over fiction" even if I mind my own business and have no interest in forcing my personal tastes on others, especially if they make it clear that they wont change their mind. Which makes me believe that for a lot of self-identified proshippers, the definition of being "proship" would be more similar to "I love fucked up stuff and if you dont then youre lame and it obviously means you can't tell the difference between fiction and reality" which honestly seems like insecurity to me.

Forgive me for bringing up this up once again but I want to mention an example to make it easier for me to explain: yknow the whole thing with me drawing Minori and Reigen and labelling it "non-cp" which caused a wave of both self-identified antis and proshippers harassing me over that (I'll say that proshippers were more bold about it since the antis harassing me were all anonymous). Proshippers saw me saying "I dont ship that" and interpreted it as me being defensive and in denial, as if I said "guys I swear Im an anti !!! please dont think im a proshipper !!! ", when I meant "I dont want to discuss this with others in a shipping manner because thats not how I see it and I dont want to enter a space Im not comfortable with"

I admit I responded to this situation in a petty manner, but this was after several days of harassment done directly in my inbox and publicly (sometimes I wish yall remembered that group chats and priv accounts exist). My point is that simply saying you don't like seeing pedophilia in fiction is enough for proshippers to believe it's justified for them to harass you over it (and I'm fully aware they'll say it's not harassment, only when antis and "puriteens" do this to them then it's harassment)

Now about the anti side. Don't get me started on them either. If proshippers see me as an enemy then this must mean that I always get along with the ones who call themselves "antis" (I do not). Note that Im only talking about adults here, I dislike beefing with children and I think their feelings about this are entirely reasonable (I'll elaborate on this when talking about internet safety)

But anyways. I think a lot of adults are discourse-brained and do way too much. Im thinking of nonsense like "this ship is problematic because they are 'sibling-coded' so thats basically incest" "siblings giving each other a hug gives me proship vibes" things of that nature. And you're not allowed to do anything that even has the smallest possibility of being interpreted as "problematic", because then they'll harass you for it, and if you clarify your intentions, they expect you to apologize for "misleading" them because clearly they didnt do anything wrong by making assumptions about you.

There's almost no room allowed for creativity with them, everyone has to follow fanon because they consider it canon, if you ever want to try something other than the same boring domestic fluff then it's "too much" (and not even platonic affection is acceptable to draw in certain cases). Which is incredibly fucking boring to me who wants to see different types of content. People even said I was enjoying incest for drawing Reigen selfcest, and that I was "making others uncomfortable" by drawing it. Genuinely seems to me that they only care about moral superiority, that they never think about anything in depth, and I dont think they realize that it also shows in what they create: boring and repeated fanart and headcanons where the only thing you can say about it is "thats cute", nothing more because you saw it ten billion times already. You cant draw two people showing platonic affection that absolutely nobody would bat an eye if it happened in real life, you cant discuss something specific in more depth without people saying you have a fetish for it, and then they'll harass you based on their speculation that it's a fetish. I dont think many realize this, but fandoms are full of autistic people, so it's normal to see people who are interested in very specific things that dont make sense to others! I wish people were less judgmental, but at the same time I dont care if people think Im weird. I think what I mean is theres no reason to mistreat weird people who do no harm to others.

So yeah if you call yourself an "anti" I'll assume youre spend too much time engaging in fandom discourse and you're the type of person to believe that fanart where two people are holding hands is the equivalent to drawing them fucking each other. Which I think is a very childish mindset to have and it's worrying that many adults think this way. I also think that as an adult they should be capable of blocking stuff they hate instead of constantly arguing with people online because at this point it's just mental torture.

The thing about internet safety I mentioned earlier, I'd say this is the one thing that I'll always prioritize discussing whenever proship discourse comes up.... To put it simply: filter and limit the visibility of your content, do not put triggering stuff in the main tags, stay in your own circles. Whether or not you believe fictional rape/pedophilia/etc is bad is irrelevant, my point is that these are objectively triggering topics and should be filtered just like how there are warnings for violence and blood even if it's not real.

"But it's the parents' responsibility to control what kids look at online, this has nothing to do with me!" and I agree with the parents being the ones Primarily responsible. However the reality is that children are online and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Kids will also enter spaces theyre not allowed in, theyre children and children are rebellious especially teenagers, I was like this as a teenager too. You'd be lying if you said you were always obedient since childhood and never did anything you were told Not to do. And you can't really expect teenagers to always block and not interact if they see something triggering. It's your responsibility to block them if they interact with you, because what I see most of the time is adults bickering with teenagers who are uncomfortable, calling them "puriteens", putting them on blast and allowing other adults including NSFW accounts to dunk on them.

Humiliating and degrading teenagers does not "teach them a lesson", it only makes the teenager more stubborn and reactive. Adults must accept that kids will always find their way in there even if your content isnt easily accessible. So I think it's stupid to feel offended at a child because they got upset when they found upsetting content like how any normal child would react. Which is why I wish more adults would keep blocking without saying anything petty to provoke teenagers.

Before someone pancake-waffles me and says "so youre fine with antis doxxing people" no I do not support doxxing. Ive been doxxed so I know it sucks. However the only times Ive seen it go this far is after continuous arguing because nobody knows when to stop. Im not saying this applies all the time nor am I saying doxxing is fine, but there are ways to minimize this sort of outcome as much as possible. Both sides have doxxed people over petty arguments that couldve easily been avoided if they just blocked each other and moved on.

The topic above (internet safety) is probably the only thing related to this where Im actively telling others what they should be doing. It's not only teenagers who are triggered by depictions of pedophilia etc but also adults like myself. In my case Im old enough to block content I dislike without saying a word, however I cant help but think that there's not enough being done about filtering especially when I do not search for this type of content and I still see it all the time.

I also think it's important for me to mention that I have a very poor sense of morality. I do not have a personal moral code that I adhere to, and I mostly stick to the basic universal ones that make sense to me. So I will not discuss the "morals" of consuming this stuff because I am not adequate to share an opinion on this, and I know the most popular topic of discussion related to proship discourse is morality which I frankly find counterproductive. I dont understand why people should care so much if I find something morally correct or not, unless it's to make themselves feel better about having a "superior opinion" to mine. Though I will say that if a man tells me he's into rape "but only in fiction!" then I dont think it will stop me of imagining myself bashing his skull repeatedly with large rocks. Maybe Im too mistrustful of men in general.

Final point I want to clarify is that I am not trying to assert some sort of superiority over people by disliking both sides, like saying "Im not an anti or a proshipper Im a Normal person" or something like that, and Im not expressing a "neutral" stance on the topic of fiction's influence on reality either. There are topics like racism and orientalism in fiction that Im vocal about (which is expected since Im Algerian). I genuinely believe there are many things that are interesting to discuss and should be prioritized, but too many people are chronically online, subjective and defensive, at this point I dont even think it's accurate to say that disliking one side automatically means you support the other side regarding fiction. To me, "proship discourse" is not about the debate of the effects of fiction on reality, censorship in media, etc. It's about everything I described earlier that happens online.

[krypticcafe]

Hello! This is my first time asking someone but can you do 141 men reacting to us being hypersexual? I dont see any of those ones😅

Task Force 141 men w/a hypersexual partner

rating: mature

character(s): GN!Reader, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, John Price, John "Soap" McTavish, Simon "Ghost" Riley, Gary "Roach" Sanderson, Hound

warning(s): language, emotions(?), sexual themes, possible inaccuracies, mentions of trauma

a/n: An interesting request! I'll try my best to be accurate, but I can't guarantee it'll be perfect as someone who does not go through hypersexuality and a lot of resources online tend to only go over symptoms and general medical help but not a lot on how it affects relationships. So please please PLEASE correct me if needed, and I'll make the necessary changes!!

Gaz

I think out of all the guys, he'd be the only one who's heard of it, though he isn't all that educated about it.

With how Gaz is, you're actually quite comfortable discussing it early on in your relationship, bringing it up one day while you two are just talking about things.

He listens and nods along, occasionally commenting here and there, but he mostly listens. When you mention how it can be caused by trauma, you appreciate that he asks but tells you you don't have to if you're uncomfortable. He's just super understanding.

Also super low-key about it.

For example, if you tell him, signal, or if he can tell you're kinda going through it, he'll come up with a quick excuse to pull you aside and talk it out or do something else.

He already knows a bunch of exercises to keep your mind from reeling, small games to keep you grounded, and supervises you for a bit.

If you choose to, Gaz will absolutely support you if you pursue therapy! He'll especially praise you for any progress you make.

All in all, 10/10 boyfriend.

Price

It'll definitely take a while for him to wrap his head around the concept, but as long as you just communicate, things should be fine.

If and when you guys have sex, he's always checking in here and there, making sure you're good but not overdoing it so that it becomes overbearing.

Outside of that, if you're having trouble coping and physical touch helps, he's the best man for it.

His arms will wrap around you snugly, and just listening to his heartbeat alone can help soothe you. Sometimes, he'll hum to you or help massage your back. You find his voice to be helpful with how firm and direct it is, so he'll often converse with you to get your mind off things.

Definitely will give you resources if you ask. Need a therapist? He's got a reliable list. Need tools like sex toys? No shame, he'll get what you need. Ran out of medication? Just picked some up.

Keep in mind he can't always tell if you're having issues since he's quite busy when he's not alone with you, so you two developed a small signal to help each other out if needed.

Don't forget to reassure him too because he worries he's doing something wrong a lot of the time, so again, just communicate with him!

Soap

He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit.

It does take you a while to work up the courage not because you're worried about the shame of telling him, but more about if he'll understand.

When he first hears it, he kinda confuses it for higher libido but you quickly correct him.

"Ah, so it's not just impulsive but intrusive?"

From there, oh he's very, very sweet about it.

One of his best traits is how distracting he is so you can bet your ass he will find a way to keep your mind off things and humor you. He asks a lot of questions, but that's just his way of expressing his concern and care! Again, he's a super observant boy.

He'll always give you distance if that's what you need, but if you need some physical or verbal help, he's there in a heartbeat. If you guys are intimate, he'll take it slow and be loving as possible. He's happy to provide.

Oh, but if he hears you talking badly about yourself, he's quick to shut it down because hearing you call yourself 'dirty' or feeling 'used' has him very distressed.

"But I'm-"

"But nothing. You listen to me, okay? I would never think of you like that and I want you to know that to me, you're more than that, you're more than-" He stumbles over his words, "-jesus, you're everything and I don't want you thinking that you'll ever be less than that to me, alright?"

It's a hard pill to swallow, but his words are nothing but the truth, just as genuine as he is. After that, you start taking more of his words to heart.

Ghost

It's hard to tell what Simon's thinking a lot of the time, but rest assured, it's anything but judgment.

He thanks you for telling him and acknowledging how difficult it is. After all, you've done the same for him.

He's not gonna treat you like a porcelain doll, but that doesn't mean he's not gonna be cautious if guys have sex, he gets how vulnerable it can feel, being exposed, so it's something the two of you work through together.

He's also prone to getting upset if he hears you speaking badly about yourself, and admittedly, he's kind of brash and blunt at first when trying to confront you about it but over time, he learns to better express his concern.

With time, he'll steadily find more ways to keep your mind off of it. So far, he finds he's best at it via spending time with you like cuddling, or when he invites you to do different physical activities like exercising, taking walks, or sparring with him.

If you need help focusing or you take medication or therapy, expect him to nag about it!

"Did you go to the-"

"Yes, love, don't worry, I have. Thank you for asking."

You know he's looking out for you, and you couldn't be any more grateful.

Roach

Very much like Gaz, he's quick to understand.

"The girls who get it, get it" type of energy

He'll ask questions, but if he sees you getting skittish or awkward about it, he'll change the subject.

When he's nonverbal, he knows it'll be difficult to help you, especially if you're struggling to focus on his signs.

So what he does is he'll take your hand and trace a question mark in your hand, asking what's wrong and having you explain. If you need to calm down, he'll trace little shapes and hearts in your palms, intertwine his fingers with you, and help guide your breathing before asking questions.

If you struggle with finding other ways to be intimate or expressing yourself in your relationship, he'll show you what he likes, love languages of his, and such.

During a long mission, he had found you particularly frustrated. Rather than shaming you, he offered to help you get tidied up and take you out on a date.

The two of you went trinket shopping at the local town, though he was mostly buying you whatever you showed interest in, which quickly grew overwhelming.

But hey, it worked to brighten your mood, so it's a win in his book.

Hound

Oh he's so understanding. Hound isn't hypersexual themselves, but they understand the struggles of having highly impulsive and intrusive thoughts and actions, and more than understand the pain and shame that stems.

He expresses that he's proud of you for confiding in him something so personal and being comfortable enough to tell him

From there, he's very attentive to your needs and makes sure you're never overdoing it when indulging in NSFW.

If you two have sex, then it probably starts as a slow process to get comfortable, since Hound has their own sexual anxieties. But they're more than willing to take the reigns, establishing boundaries and patiently communicating with you even if it's difficult. In the end, it's a very vulnerable and intimate experience for the both of you.

In the case things have to stop, he'll clean things up, reassure and praise you, while finding something else for you two to do, like a movie night or cuddling.

Or if you're needy but they're not in the mood, Hound will help you redirect that energy somewhere else and makes sure you don't feel ashamed or insecure.

Personally, their favorite way of helping you is asking you about your interests or hyperfixes because they just love listening to you talk so passionately and just learning more about you so they can spoil you for future reference.

But sometimes you just need him to completely envelop you in his arms and give you something else to feel instead of that frustration, something to feel loved.

[bunnybird-afk]

i actually have a few ideas in mind for a modern au for the graveborns :D

Niru

• A military doctor (based on his lore) that constantly works day in and day out, becoming the dad who went to get the milk (body counts) to the point where he just sleeps at the hospital if so desired.

• He's also obsessed with the anatomies of a human body to the point where he had intrusive thoughts of wanting to.. 'inspect' on it more

Viperian

• Goes by Victor in this AU, a college professor who teaches biology/chemistry for foundation students, you could say that he's very great at explaining the concepts as he goes VERY into details, which makes him one of the profs that the students go for if they have any questions, despite his creepy appearance

• Little did they know that he has been having a secret past time of kidnapping people and experiments on them at midnight... (He also does this with Niru when they got the time, theyre practically besties)

Cecia

• An opera singer (based on her beta lore) that went viral on socials due to her beautiful voice and pretty appearance, guys and gals would be head over heels for her, if she were to be in any opera stages, tickets would sold out quickly

• Though, she's kinda a brat, she's too arrogant to the point where she would mistreat her butler, Mr. Carlyle (not that he mind, he's devoted to her) and takes her fans for granted

Ludovic

• Rich man in Whiteridge, holding a high title as he owns the place, fancy clothed, looks very serious and stern, with a hint of sadness in his eyes

• Though that sadness goes away when you see him painting a very beautiful landscape or portrait based on his self-grown flower field and his family... He looks the happiest in there. He would also give flowers occasionally to his people! Ah, such a great heart at a young age

(Also he's the type of person to watch a streamer/hear music while painting I don't make the rules)

Igor

• Works as a daycare attendant (and a good one at that) since he likes to play with children, the other workers there said that he has a himbo energy when they met him, his mind may be empty but his care for the children is very devoted. Their first impression of him is quite different though,,, (they crapped themselves seeing him because of how ridiculously tall he is + he has a menacing look)

• At night I'd imagine he'd become a faceless streamer (based on Ranboo), where he'd engage in horror content and silly goofy games, might also chat about funny things that happened during his life. (And yes his Vtuber is a zombie knight like in AFKJ. Again i dont make the rules)

Yeah that's all I could think off atm, i'll write the other characters if I got time

I love the idea of the graveborn nobles lowkey being from like, old money families. Especially Cecia, Thoran and Ludovic.

Also, if this was a mystery thriller/dating sim like the arcana, bodies going missing from morgues and hospitals would be one hell of a plot point. Especially if we work with @twilight-melodys lore about Hogan being a former FBI agent and Valen being his subordinate. Like imagine Hogan asking his old friend (former work partner?) for help investigating a case because he can't actually get involved in an official capacity but he trusts their abilities.

Cue Merlin and Valen investigating and realizing that this conspiracy goes way deeper than they initially thought. The local Forestry Department (the Wilders) reporting weird things happening to the local fauna, some Maulers going missing inexplicably, the local gang boss (Sonja) coming forward about what happened to her sister, and realizing the corruption that runs deep in the towns upper-class socialite society. You could go absolutely insane with this idea. At that point a romance sub-plot is probably the least of Merlin's worries (though personally I'm going a little feral over the idea of Valen in an FBI uniform).

Also, love the idea of Igor just minding his own damn business and not getting involved with all the drama. Hydrated (he's a gamer so probably not) , staying in his lane and thriving, as it should be.

[succubish666]

Hi! First, I want to start by saying I really like your energy and your blog. My mom is an eclectic witch, so I've been exposed to the stuff my whole life, but every time I try to get more into my practice, something happens where I just feel stuck. But this time around, I am determined to not be deterred.

I've recently been really interested in the various religions (I was a practicing Catholic over the summer but stopped), and the lore behind Lucifer. He's actually been on my mind so much these past weeks that I think I want to start devotional work with him (not this second, of course, I don't I'm in a good space to start that).

So I have some questions for you, if you dont mind.

How did you develop/practice your clairaudence? It's a skill I really want to learn, and I think honing that skill will help me to communicate with ✨️beings✨️ better.

Can deities/spirits hear your thoughts? Do they get upset by them? (I have OCD and a lot of my intrusive thoughts are sexual and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable).

How do I communicate with deities? I understand you can divination tools to receive their messages, but do I just talk and they'll understand me? If I say or do something weird, are they going to be upset with me?

How do I show respect to a deity (other than just basic decency you'd show to anyone)? Do I always call them by an epithet or Lord/Lady/King/Queen?

Sorry if this is weird ❤️

Hi, Anon! I’m so glad you like my energy and blog! I’m happy to answer your questions ♡

How did you develop/practice your clairaudience?: For me, this has been one of the most interesting and important parts of my spiritual growth. It is still something I’m working on and haven’t yet perfected, but I have made a lot of progress thanks to Lord Lucifer’s help. What he had me do is get into regularly practicing meditation, specifically working on developing the ability to clear my mind into a trance-like state. I have ADHD, so this has been quite difficult for me. Lucifer also had me get into listening to hypnosis files so I could learn what trance feels like.

To listen to Lucifer, I take time at night when it’s quiet, my lights are off, and I have white noise playing, to try and clear my mind of all things except for internally repeating Lucifer’s enn: “Renich tasa uberaca biasa icar Lucifer” over and over again. I clear my mind’s eye of all other images, only thinking of his sigil. At some point, I start to get new thoughts that don’t feel like my own, it kind of feels like mentally tuning into a radio station. At this point, I can start to receive full sentences from him.

He’s also taught me how I unknowingly experienced clairaudience a lot already, I just didn’t realize it was clairaudience. When receiving words from outside entities it can seem like your own thoughts, but it may be thoughts completely irrelevant to what you were previously thinking or doing and it may be in words you wouldn’t normally use. It’s not like having another person’s voice in your head. Though with practice, you can give that other entity’s voice its own pitch and accent.

Can deities/spirits hear your thoughts?: Yes, deities can hear your thoughts. Though I think they only start hearing your thoughts the more that you think about them. Like, if you think about a deity’s name just one time they aren’t going to care. If you start thinking about a deity regularly, they’re going to have more access to your thoughts (this is just my theory). I honestly struggled with this at first, it seemed like a real invasion of privacy. But, I’ve gotten used to it and even find it really sweet that Lucifer still loves me with all the insane thoughts he’s probably heard in my head lol.

Do they get upset by them?: Luckily, this isn’t something to be worried about! I also have OCD and struggle with intrusive thoughts, but deities can tell the difference between normal thoughts and intrusive ones. Even if you have the most awful intrusive thoughts, they won’t judge you or care. We also have to remember they aren’t human, they don’t experience emotions the same way that we do. They aren’t looking for petty fights with humans.

How do I communicate with deities?: Yes, divination tools are great (I prefer a pendulum with a letter board and tarot cards), but the best way to have a conversation imo is with developed clairaudience (Well, the actual best ways would be either astral projecting with a full out of body experience with the deity, or talking to someone who is channeling the deity, but those are harder circumstances to obtain). You can also just talk to them, but I’d recommend waiting until you feel their presence first. I’ve also seen that some practitioners write letters to deities and then burn them. Deities aren’t really judgmental, they’re super old and have seen their fair share of weird shit. And like I said, they don’t feel emotions the same way humans do.

How do I show respect to a deity?: Each deity has their own personality, so this answer will vary depending on the deity. Some wish to always be referred to as their proper title (I’ve heard this about King Paimon), while others don’t care much about that sort of thing. A common VPG is that Lord Lucifer is generally really chill. I tend to just use his title Lord the first time I refer to him in a post. His demeanor is quite relaxed and he tends to not even ask practitioners for offerings. I feel like the rule for any deity is to respect them like they’re your boss at a job. Some bosses are more lenient and easygoing than others, but they still should be respected. (I’m not saying your relationship with a deity should be like a boss + employee relationship, just that the deity should be held with high respect)

Oops, I yapped a lot, but hopefully this helps! I also recommend checking my #information tag and joining the r/DemonolatryPractices subreddit.

[oxygenbefore1775]

teaching you how to play guitar

❧pairing: jean x afab!scout!reader

❧tags: smut (minors/ageless blogs dni), mid-timeskip

❧cw: fingering, one (1) petname used, overstim, weird as shit guitar imagery

❧wc: 1,4k

❧summary: while out on deployment you asked jean to teach you how to play a guitar

❧a/n: my first dab into the full-on smut; that's what the poll was about; posting it *unconspicuously* in honor of jeans bd; thanx to /hangeslefteye and /pisspope for fueling the shitshow that was my brain while writing this (not tagging directly cuz i dont wanna bother you to much)

"Do you mind teaching me how to play?" 

You finally collected enough courage to come up to him for the first time as your squadron was settling down for the night. Jean Kirstein — elite and revered member of the Survey Corps — took his eyes off the singing strings to meet yours. His quick with movements fingers though kept on fiddling, with precise pinches and harsh strokes to the cords eliciting a lively tune out of otherwise stiff metal. Truly fascinating you found this, alluring even, that his fingers were capable of creating such a lovely thing.

Service had become luck-luster and boring as of late with all the titans eradicated and Survey Corps having nothing better to do other than to sit around on the coast waylaying the currently non-existing Marleyan ships, as you explained to Jean. Then might as well entertain yourself and put the hours into a skill that you'd actually enjoy, you mused.

He agreed surprisingly easy. Amber of his eyes shimmering from the flames of the dying campfire as he suggested you two should meet after the lights-out in his tent. It was bigger than yours anyway and his only tentmate Connie was on the watch duty that night so you could have all the place to yourselves.

At that time you thought that the glint in his eyes was all anticipation at the sight of a near practice session, seeing as Jean found guilty pleasure in patronizing. That smile he gave you as you both parted your ways quickly morphed into an amorous smirk when you weren't looking anymore.

Who'd have thunk that it'd end up with you sprawled on the tarpaulin, mind fuzzy and body sheening with sweat, as Jean kept on spearing your sopping cunt with his fingers.

You'd give him that, he at least had a decency to actually start off with teaching you. Positioning himself behind you on the floor as you were holding a guitar, his arms going over yours to guide your movements. You were such a diligent student. Your eyes following each motion of his fingers in an attempt to recreate it afterwards, asking him to go through each chord step-by-step slowly this time and turning your pretty face to him in search of approval each time you got the sound right.

It wasn't like Jean wasn't enjoying teaching you. Just that his thoughts weren't exclusively dedicated to the process. Blame it on the pretty much non-existent distance between your ass and his crotch, your giddy with excitement wriggles coiling him even further. Jean nearly hissed at the feeling of his cock growing hard and heavy against the groove of your ass. The Scout uniform was already damningly form-hugging but now with the arousal taking form there surely wasn't a way for you to not notice it.

And notice it you did. Fucking hell. You couldn't help but to feel pleased with yourself. It's not every day that you get a chance to fuck Jean Kirstein. You leaned against him even more, trying to feel upon the outline of his cock.

Maybe you might've actually learned something about playing guitar this night. Too bad your body was pressing against his a little too hard for Jean's composure to last more than a few minutes before finally snapping. His mind giving way to the intrusive thoughts of your image he succumbed to the urge of planting hot wet kisses down your neck. Caught up by surprise you shuddered with pleasure each time his lips crushed into your supple skin, his mouth burning hot and greedy. Yet another avid caress captivating your lips, you felt Jean's hands pry the guitar away from your grasp and putting it aside as he intended on having you only to himself this night.

"Jean!" you gasped almost jerking at his mere touch to your core once he finally had you bare beneath him, "Your fingers, they're too rough"

The curve of his lips gained a feigned sympathetic expression as he brought his fingertips to his mouth to wet them.

"That's how it's gonna be though," he sweetened your sudden discontent with his tongue licking away at your entrance, "Playing the strings got my pads all rough. But these fingers are meant to last so by the time I'm done with you'll be numb with pleasure"

As you'd come to know very shortly he wasn't the one to be throwing promises around.

His touch remained just as rough. The callouses on his fingertips bullying your sensitive flesh to no end. The whimpers and mewls falling past the brim of your bitten lips Jean drank up with such poise and pleasure as if he wasn't the one to cause them with every drag of his digits against your gummy walls. The solace you found in seeing scarlet stripes your nails left on his shoulders was although sweet yet not enough to forget about your discomfort. All you were left to do is to writhe and whine in a futile attempt to escape his merciless caresses.

But the way he was putting his fingers to use — good grief. As if possessing a hidden knowledge of your body all this time, Jean knew the exact points to hit to make you a squirming mess under his touch. Avid precision to his strokes, he never missed that sweet spot, the pressure he applied just right for your pleasure to get at its peak.

"Now, is that what gets you going sweet thing?" He'd coo at you each time he brought your features to a new stage of twisted pleasure, "Keep those pretty eyes open for me, would you?"

Bliss and pain mixing together in a ontradictory concoction, you felt as if your body would soon shut down.

The first time you came on his fingers, it was unexpected. Orgasm creeping up behind the waves pain and crushing over you in shudders. Ever so gracious, Jean helped you ride out your high, his body towering over yours and his lips covering your contorted face in quick pecks as he indulges you into another kiss.

"Jean," you carded your clammy fingers aimlessly through his hair, trying to get your fleeing mind some sort of purchase, "That was so good"

"I know," through the squint of your eyes you can see him smirk down at you, beaming with benevolence, "Boring life of a Scout, my ass. Just come to my tent every now and then and see how quickly you'd forget your complaints"

Your orgasm leaving you still so sensitive, you quickly noticed how his fingers returned to rubbing circles round your bud of nerves. Your clit still angry and puffy, it hurt so much each time his rough fingerpads did so much as brushed up slightly against your core.

With an intruding kiss he shushed your huffs of protest, "Oh, sweet thing I'm not done with you yet. Haven't you heard me the first time?" his hot breath searing the shell of your ear. "You'll be numb with pleasure"

The man of his word, he kept you up in the tent for almost all night drawing orgasm after orgasm out of your feeble body. Prying you open and discovering the new layers of bliss in you you've never even known of before.

How beautiful he was looking down at you, lulling your distress away with his attentive touch and caress. Like a string of his guitar he had you pinned down, left at the mercy of his never-resting fingers. Impeccable strokes succumbing your body to his will, whimpers and moans chording a sweet melody to his ears.

And just as promised, your mind was a haze, your flesh a putty under his touch by the end of the night. It seemed as your body had no bones, so pliable for him. As he held your trembling form close to his chest he kissed away the salt from your cheeks — the only remnants of your former soreness on your otherwise painted with bliss features.

"Such a sweet thing for me," you smiled lazily at his words, "Coming undone on my fingers like that. The next time I'm teaching you playing guitar, you're going to be riding my dick all throughout"

[thedemolitionderby]

I dont know my name or anything right now. I'm a new alter formed over the past couple of days and well.

Thats the thing. I got medicated for ADHD and my mind has quietened down and its so calm here. When I'm not stuck in the static of my thoughts, playing in several realms at once, I just feel like Loki. Right now anyway. Shifts do still occur but I find that unsavoury ones from alters who would take over for coping purposes, happen much less frequently. Its become kind of odd, actually. When interacting with the body's family and friends, instead of shifts occurring (I have no idea what happens when theyre in the same place. I feel only one of us is fronting and pretending to be the other one that would front to talk to a friend if family is also present) I kind of just stay me. Whoever I am right now.

Thats the thing. All of us are Loki. We're always Loki no matter who we are. Right now I feel more connected to the 'essence' of Loki, as I feel the flame flickering in my chest, nice and warm. But there's kind of a conflict because I want to put feathers in my hair and fly across cold plains which...I can't do that. Not in this realm at least.

I feel there needs to be a distinction between 'corporeal' - 'real world' - physical world, external world whatever its called, and the...er, other one. Incorporeal? Spiritual? I dunno. Yeah. Two things can be true at once. I've always thought of things as absolute - autism haha - so if one thing is true the other can't be. Because I like computers and gaming and maths and programming and doodling, it seems, well, kind of the opposite to what the fire in my chest makes me feel. When I'm more connected to my self as Loki, I think...pine needles for some reason or pinecones, that appeared somehow, and the opposite of tech, and falcons and swifts. Lots of swifts. Snakes too. Haha banana snake

Maybe shit isn't that deep. Maybe I can be two things at once. Well, three. Even though I'm the only one fronting right now.

Theres...me right now, kind of unknown name, maybe T(). Who wears modern clothing and has tech related interests.

And there's me right now who is the opposite of that. I'm Loki chilling out somewhere. It's either a mind palace of the past or me doing other stuff in other planes. Not sure. Completely different.

Oh and there's me in animal form. That's why I identify as a therian. I'm usually a snake, swift, falcon, or a shrike.

And these are true at the same time. That's the thing I've been struggling with grasping. If one thing is true how can that other thing be true? If im here and like these things and like this, how can I be pretty much the opposite in every single way, at the same time?

Answer: I don't know. But I do know that I operate in 3 planes default. (Not counting if im covering for another alter while they're off doing god knows what and theyre the one who made a friend who thinks I'm that alter so shit is really awkward and I just pretend it's me)

So I guess, 3 planes authentic.

1 plane (covering+masking plane) non authentic but still happening.

Before the meds I was operating on like...20 🗿 also, I couldn't tell which were intrusive thoughts and which were actual stuff that was relevant. So. 3 is perfectly OK.

So...tldr : stuff is weird. Very weird. It keeps getting weirder.

The more I realize what's going on the more I hate covering for other alters because now I know its not me my friend thought they talked to. In the past before I knew I was plural I got an odd bodily sensation like I was watching my body talk, like they were talking through me to somehow behind me and I'm just relaying info from the person behind me to them. Actually I think that's pretty accurate. I didn't understand why. I've only understood why more and more recently and...I guess, I'm angry that it is this way. Really angry. And because the body I live in is tainted with trauma, especially since I look like SK (first alter) it keeps triggering shifts to SK which is really annoying. Also I get confused and think I'm SK which I'm not. Also SK isn't really active, he kind of grew up a bit to Cleo, so...I feel Cleo ends up fronting every time I just...see a picture of my body's face. I can't express things well, even anger, in the external/physical/corporeal/'real' world because everything is twinged with trauma and one specific alter, some versions of Cleo, have been carrying us through for years and years and none of us know how to really exist outside of the internal worlds. I feel we will be able to with time, but its one of those problems that are relevant every second, every movement, just you can't ignore it and if its a problem it will continue to be a problem every moment. If you can't ignore it you deal with it. Oh and I'm trying to learn acceptance rather than problem solving. "Yeah this occurs. Yes it sucks. Yes its a problem. And that's OK. I dont have to try to solve every problem immediently, especially since its not possible, sometimes the solution is completely unknown to you right now, a new experience or perspective is needed. I'm going to live with it instead of feeling things that aren't desirable are villains to be killed. Theyre part of me. They make up bits of me. I can't choose the good bits and try to kill the bad bits. It's just not even true."

So, yeah. Gonna have to live with the fact that existing as of now is very confusing, uncomfortable, and weird. People are talking to other people and I have to pretend I'm other people and its frustrating and invalidating. My body is riddled with trauma and associations with the body's parent that are no longer relevant. Seeing it makes an alter who technically dosent exist anymore front - or try to. Or his thoughts bleed into mine. I dont know my name or my story. I exist 3 times at once. Annnd that's OK. It is what it is.

Written by T - 'Midwinter'

[vampykween]

HI MICCC :3 hope you are well!! i’ve been brainrotting about ur singledad!simon and here’s a list of scenarios nd thoughts that’s been plaguing my mind

what if poppy got into a fight at school? the fight was short because you pulled them apart almost instantly - but she still got her hair pulled and a scratch on her cheek, and poppy knows from simon that fighting isn’t the best option, but when simon answers your call and hears poppy’s crying in the background, how would he react!!

the way kids like to overshare and have no filter, i can see poppy casually telling you stuff like “yeah my daddy has no friends” or “daddy doesn’t talk much”.. and then when simon comes to pick her up, maybe you two have a small convo and you accidentally slip up and mention what poppy’s told you about him.. then he looks and poppy and you like 🤨what else did you hear..

Oklfldldg how does simon do father daughter nights! is he the type to play competitively in games with her or does he always let her win? does he like taking her out to eat or does he prefer cooking at home :3

AAAA okay last one i promise:3 how do the other kids react to poppy’s behemoth of a dad? are they scared? do they think he’s a mafia boss of some sort? or do they find him incredibly awesome and think he’s a giant from those action movies

(ofc u don’t have to do all of them if u don’t want to OR if u don’t want to spoil anything for the series, just some thoughts! take ur time<3)

hi bby! i am very well right now actually and this made things even better, i could kiss your brain truly mwah <3

i will be saving these ideas because this gave me much needed inspiration and motivation for this series. also sorry if i didnt go as in depth with these, but the longer they sat in my drafts i realized i was never going to remember to finish oops! also i hope you dont mind i will be stealing the oversharing poppy idea if fits perfectly with what i have going for part 3 hehe

✴︎ I feel like simon would be fuming, at whom he’s not even sure. I imagine that some kid said something rude and snarky to her and she couldn’t take it anymore and popped on them, and you’re shocked because poppy is normally such a sweet little girl. Simon would definitely hug poppy close because seeing his baby hurt cuts like a knife, takes her out for ice cream and then chides her because omg! has she lost her mind fighting at school, but also he’s a tiny bit proud she’s a fighter like him. 

✴︎No because Poppy would most definitely do this, in her head she’s just rattling off mundane things about her father, but you’re sporting a frown because there’s a tiny part of you that hates the idea of Simon being alone with just poppy. Not that it’s any of your business though (you would definitely have to remind yourself of that).

Simon is groaning at his daughter’s perceptive nature and how willing she is to share every thought she has. When you waved him over to where you were during school pick up, Simon was praying something bad hadn't happened.  “Mr. Riley, err Simon, sorry.” you correct yourself quickly at the raised eyebrow look he gives you. “Is everything okay… like at home?” you’re mentally face palming at the way you blurted out the very intrusive question. You sense his shock by the question by the almost imperceptible widening of his eyes. “Why-” he looks down at Poppy who’s swinging her tiny hand in his, not paying any attention to the conversation you two are having, “What did she say to you?” You wring your hands nervously, the older man’s deadpan stare makes  you feel like you’re in trouble for some reason. “Poppy mentioned to me that you don't have any friends or talk much to anybody. I don't mean to pry, really I swear. Kids will tell you anything, i'm sure you know. After what happened with the family tree thing and-” You're cut off by Simon’s large hand settling on your shoulder, clearly an attempt to calm you down and halt your rambling, but it has the opposite effect and all you can think about is how enormous his hands are and the weight of it grasping you.  “No need to apologize, Poppy talks my ear off about you. I’d be surprised if she didn’t talk to you about things. And you don't need to worry about me, luv. Im fine being alone, i've got my little petal and that’s enough f’me.” There’s an aura of wistfulness in his words, that makes you want to push him for a more truthful answer, but you chide yourself at your thoughts. You barely know this man. Whatever longing you think is in his voice may as well be a projection of your own sadness; a failed long term relationship will do that to a person. 

✴︎Definitely loves to play games but does not let Poppy win because he wants her to learn how to lose and be okay with it. (You would applaud this btw, this is every teachers’ dream. Trust me on that). Their father-daughter nights also will be movie nights with as many sweets as poppy desires because Simon won't bend to anything but her little puppy dog eyes. I feel like even though he’s not the best cook ever Simon would go out of his way to cook Poppy’s favorites for her. Especially like on a saturday morning and wakes her up with breakfast in bed because why not spoil his little girl if he can. 

✴︎I think it's a mix of both really. I imagine Poppy goes to some nice fancy school because why not lol. And some of Poppy's classmates have snooty rich parents who turn their noses up at Simon so their kids are kinda wary of him too. I think Poppy would hype up her dad so much at recess time. Telling stories of how he used to be a ‘super cool soldier’ and all the other kids would be staring in awe like omg your dad is so cool, my dad just does people’s taxes lol.

[irritablepoe]

no but ive only read a tell tale heart from the real author but just from that,,,i dont think poe would be very normal abt relationships especially with ranpo......i didnt finish perfume by patrick suskind (got kinda bored not bc it's bad but bc i just found something i like more ) but the secretive and quiet but extreme obsession of the main character reminded me so much of poe??? and i think i read somewhere that the real ranpo chose edogawa rampo as a penname because it sounds so much like edgar allan poe and even rampo's book title is like poe’s right it only added japanese at the beginning before the ‘tales of mystery and imagination’ so it's not rlly far off that their bsd counterparts would totally be paranoid and intense w each other <333

dont be sorry abt loving this ship a lot!! in fact,,,if possible, could u share a lil bit more of ur headcanons abt them hehehheehehhe i dont see them portrayed in this light often (like u said v v rare)

i think telltale heart is a good example of poe's writing tbh, his works often revolve around obsession and delusion but also with grief if you look at "the raven" for example (especially his poems are about grief and death a lot so)

i've not read perfume but i know the general plot i think and yeah it probably fits well

AND YES edogawa rampo chose this pen name partly bc of edgar allan poe, he also references poe's works in his mysteries which is fun!! both of them also partly write horror, especially edogawa rampo's works shook me to the core, it's so well-written but also so disturbing, i wouldn't recommend them just like that bc of body horror and uhh fetish writing ig? but the cases of akechi kogoro are also so fun to read as well and you can actually try and solve the mystery yourself!!

ANYWAYS, this was a lot of praising lol, i just really really love both of their works :D and these works are also part of why i think they're both fucked up in the head lol

my biggest headcanon i'm saving for when my fanfic catches up to what i've already written lol, so i'm not spoilering that (but if you wanna know i can dm you :3)

other headcanons that i've curated during the past months:

poe has some sort of dissociative disorder, he dissociates when he's too overstimulated or sth triggers him, also he possibly struggles with intrusive thoughts

ranpo has autism and npd

poe has a brother in america, his parents died when he was young

he had a drug or alcohol problem after he lost to ranpo - the guild giving him an opportunity to get revenge motivated him enough to mostly recover though

poe has some really dark fantasies and sometimes he lets it slip during crime investigations - ranpo doesn't mind, he's even amused

ranpo also secretly loves it when poe brags

ranpo and poe started stalking each other (maybe even since the beginning) until one of them realised and send a very clear signal that the other couldn't miss and since then they've been flirting via sending secret messages in a language only they know to each other - basically consensual stalking (yes i'm completely normal)(also i haven't decided who realised first but it was probably ranpo - i love the thought of ranpo getting all flustered too tho)

poe didn't only lose to ranpo in that mystery game. he also lost his reputation, his friends, his admirers. there was more going on there, they probably met before the competition and they were intrigued by each other before it all went downhill

when poe isolated himself he only had contact to his brother who desperately tried to get him out of his headspace. but he himself isn't the best at having stable relationships + he's also an alcoholic (inspired by irl poe's brother henry)

they're both incredibly jealous and do anything to keep the others attention on them (ranpo giving candy to poe to get his attention back, poe being pretty dramatic and acting up a lot, also obeying every wish ranpo has)

ranpo must have told poe about fukuzawa and fukuchi for him to be able to write about their past for when they were drawn into his novel - so that means they actually sat together and talked about their past. which is insane to me

i do have another headcanon post but i couldn't find it ahhh, but it has to be buried somewhere in all the ranpoe postings lol

okay that was a lot, thank you if you read all that tho hehe :3 and thank you for asking, i love talking about them hsdkjfsdhjfs

[boyswillbedogz]

i usually know whose fronting cause its like

me: *asks my bf to play pressure because i desperately want to hang out w him but i dont know how to start a convo so i propose an activity even though i dont actually care if we do. this is my literal bf who i am confirmed in love with and gay dating.*

autopsy: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE oh look a bug DIE DIE DIE DIE

remy: waow :3 *stares at a spinning fan for 2 hours.*

socks: if i dont play botw right now im going to fucking explode

kody: if you pee in bleach you coukd kill your whole family rIGHT NOW-

64: EXPLODES YOU WITH MY MIND X3!!!!

chorus: ah fuck im feeling a sudden urge to make my younger sib a grilled cheese

saide: im literally nine

toby: *acts like he's 30, works a 9-5 for minimum wage, and has student loans to pay*

rue: im having 67 intrusive thoughts right now all at once

leukotomy: *knows what the pythagorean theorum is*

spoons: *lays face down on the floor for an hour*

[planets-for-her]

I stated in a previous post I would describe how my OCD manifests in fear of bodily harm so here that is!

Giving a LOUD TW for intrusive thoughts concerning sh and depictions of gore

So for me, i don't think its as bad as it could be but its more so inconvenient (?), this opinion may change as I describe it lol

I often have trouble looking at sharp objects or even standing around things with edges without very violent images of some part of me being cut or amputated coming to mind. I try to avoid standing near tings with a space underneath in fear something or someone is under it and will like slit my tendons or smth its just not fun. If im holding something sharp, I get really loud and hard to get rid of thoughts of cutting myself (even though ive never shed) and doing it wrong and like becoming paralyzed or infected or it hurting when I put on clothes and it makes me prickly and so i kinda obsessively rub the skin and squirm around to try to neutralize it along with repeatedly mentally (and sometimes outloud) repeating the word stop or no or something dumb to balance it out. I don't have a set amount its just until the vibes feel right idk. I also rlly dont like some gore, like for some reason I can handle guts but eyes and throats are ALWAYS no goes and trigger a lot of rubbing and squirming and word repeating and sometimes tears if it doesnt go away

Another thing is that whenever I go outside I fear getting shot or stabbed or cut and Im constantly checking my surroundings and repeating things to myself to assure myself im fine. Sometimes i somehow find it more effective to ALMOST hurt myself and cause myself pain but not actually break skin to make myself feel better but I have to keep doing it and that can make me nervous abt hurting myself so i normally default to a lot of rubbing to ease myself. I also cant talk to people without trying to be pleasant in fear of them like trying to kill me for no reason and if i say smth wrong or am mean i will be paranoid *FOR WEEKS* about them stalking me or trying to kill me and i have to fight myself to go outside bc sometimes it genuinely gets so bad i have a fear of leaving the house :(. This is all i remember currently but yeah its not super fun

making this blog and talking to and seeing similar people is so healing pls believe me thank u all

[facelessfractal]

I just used to do something more important. My life used to be less... silly? It's hard to want to come out when things feel so. inconsequential. Trivial. It's working a boring anybody-can-do-it job at a grocer, when i used to be actually doing something for the peace of humanity. I miss doing research and writing papers on anomalous activities. I used to BE something. And im not anymore.

And its not entirely fair to say i hate my position here, i dont mind it a majority of the time. I have to forget to be serious. I have to forget that the life i felt like i lived was nothing but a horror podcast. None of it really happened. Im not even truly me to any extent. Im the. vague intrusive shadow of a character who wasnt even around for the ending.

And i dont relate well to others. I don't relate to other Michaels (though maybe thats because they all seemed to lean more towards just being the distortion) so seeing things from them feels. Strange. I dont have many memories from my past either, i just remember being a great employee, whose work was doing good things. I have the pain of being left and the pain of being eaten by that door. I wish I could make a statement to Jon. Force the memories out, let them choke me as i remember who i was. If I died that way I think I would be able to accept it.

I just want back the life i had. Im scared to talk to anybody whose a fictive from TMA because im scared they dont feel the same. Im scared that im the only one whose life feels so utterly interrupted by the life i have to live now. Im scared nobody would even believe im who i say i am. After all, did anybody really know me to begin with? The real me? The me that wasnt a monster who laughs as it takes another person in to lose them all the same?

How do i ask a stranger for comfort?

[prescriptionposts]

[chapter 31 spoilers] [csa tw]

something interesting to me is that gwen coming out as having experienced csa is that earlier (chapter 16, i believe) she explicitly says that she has no trauma. she says that nothing traumatizing ever happened to her. and theres a few different reasons i can think of that she said that, despite having been assaulted:

ww did not originally intend for csa to be something in gwen's past and this was simply a retcon.

she was downplaying what happened to her, as is of course common when traumatized. she was in denial about what happened to her.

ghost gwen is not the gwen that died, and is instead some sort of artificial construct. adrian picked up on possible signs of sexual trauma in living gwen, and ghost gwen now has that trauma (in a similar way to when she was able to taste the cupcake when adrian thought about it; he was thinking about how inappropriate it was for gwen to be hearing the couple having sex, so he could have been projecting).

the same as 3 but slightly different: ghost gwen is, like, lily somehow. gwen suggests as much when having her identity crisis in chapter 31. we know that lily gets sexually assaulted. perhaps gwen is somehow lily and lilys experiences are being filtered through ghost gwen.

personally i am leaning towards option 2 as the most likely, and 3 and 4 as less likely (though very interesting). option 1 is honestly pretty unlikely in my mind, since gwen shows some pretty intense fixation on/hatred of bad sexual scenarios (being leered at by adults, intrusive thoughts about necrophilia), as well as just a general disdain for being a girl in a world where men exist.

in other words, the characterization is actually quite consistent and doesnt point to a retcon as much as one might think; there are signs that she was assaulted since chapter 1, and the fact that she says she isnt traumatized is a sort of unintentional red herring for those who dont intimately know how trauma can affect people. it is very real in that way, which is a general characteristic that i deeply appreciate about the rx.

i really look forward to the new/final version of the prescription and seeing what will change vs what will stay the same. whether or not csa will continue to be part of gwens past will be interesting to see, as will whether or not ghost gwen is even the same gwen as living gwen.