#anyways yeah. most of the symptoms i relate to are like. the mental ones.

[kalashtars]

had someone tell me today they think I would be diagnosed with ocd before autism and i cannot stop thinking abt it

[system-of-a-feather]

Man finally got around to watching the "Mr. Monk's Last Case" that I've been meaning to watch since it came out and I always forget just how relatable Monk is to me and how it really just hits home a bit too much how Monk lives and views himself

Like I'm sure a lot of people read the show like its a "haha OCD so funny" gag and I know some people get really mad because "OCD is treated like the butt end of the joke and no one with OCD is actually like that" but it really never felt that way to me as someone who has OCD - particularly because I cope with it the same way.

I totally understand the people that do not relate to it, OCD has a wide way of presentation and an even wider way of coping with it and that is not taking into account co-morbidities, the one in particularly that I think is most important when judging Monk - is C-PTSD and the MAIN one, while not directly mentioned, autism.

Cause the way they DO handle Monk's mental health, both in the original series (which I've watched at least 5 times over in my life) and the newest movie, while silly and haha at times, has always been so realistically done to me that it unironically is the only show or series or movie or game that had nearly made me physically cry because when it DOES get real into Monk's mental health, it gets pretty real, arguably too real.

I think if you are to talk about it as JUST OCD and treat this as "media representation of the average individual with OCD", people are right to say that its not good because I agree, Monk isn't the average individual with OCD and it does play into harmful stereotypes and generalizations of OCD. Monk is advertised as that a lot, so that advertising I disagree with. But if you actually watch the show, the show does little to hide that he has co-morbidity with PTSD / C-PTSD and while they don't outright say it, he is obviously autistic.

And as someone who's dad is has C-PTSD, Autism, and OCD and as someone who ALSO has C-PTSD, Autism, and OCD.... It's really really really fucking accurate and hits home. Something my mom, who lived with THREE people with that matching set of co-morbidities, loves and agrees is super relatable to how it was like living in our house.

And that is where it really gets me when people say "its a bad representation of OCD! OCD doesn't looks like that" cause... yeah it does, for at least three people I know with OCD. Are we a specific minority within the group of OCD? Probably, but we still have OCD.

I dunno man, episodes with Monk's mental health being talked about gets me in ways few things do and I will die on the hill that Monk's shit is very well done and accurate albeit to a specific subset of people with OCD.

And also on the point of it "being the butt of the joke"...

For me, my OCD and literally all my mental health conditions are often used as the butt end of the joke. And I'm not saying that people are wrong for being upset, but chronic mental illness symptoms after you get really used to them and adapt your life to them and just embrace your unique way of living.... it's kind of hard to not find a lot of the quirks in light humor?

Like my fiance always said it about his year with severe Chrons "at a certain point when you are in the hospital having shit come out both ends, you just have to laugh at it cause thats funny shit right there."

I don't think I would have survived recovery with any of my mental health disorders if I didn't take some of the quirks that came out of my adapted life style to be funny and love them anyways.

As long as there is a balance between "this is a serious thing that gets in the way of a persons life" which they DO do very well in Monk, I see very little issue at exploring the kinda funny things living with a chronic mental health condition does.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

What Happened to Trin? aka Paying Attention to My Favorite Straight Boy

Friends. Romans. Country men. 

I have a confession. 

Yesterday I reblogged a Shadow gifset of Josh cuddling Nai in the middle of the night after returning from his evening of smoking in the woods with Dan. In that reblog, I wrote the tag “Josh is my favorite straight boy in the show”. I showered praise upon him for being secure enough in his own sexuality to cuddle with the Known Queer. But I am concerned I may have been mistaken. 

I was chatting with @khathastrophe about some Shadow theories and she sent me a screen shot of a conversation she had had with @brazilian-whalien52 about her theories around Josh. 

Now, I personally do not think that Trin had a crush on Josh, unless they are intentionally obfuscating the context around the two conversations that Trin had with Joe where he did pretty much everything but explicitly state his feelings for Joe. And I hadn’t been thinking about Josh in relation to drugs, because yeah, he smoked weed, but if you couldn’t tell already, I have been hyperfocused on trying to unravel the One Armed Man thread and he is the only one I could remember having explicit ties to narcotics. 

BUT! I had already been working my way through a re-watch of Episodes 1-7 to see if there was any new information I could glean from the show now that I had better knowledge of all the characters and their relationships to one another. And tonight, I was already planning on watching Episodes 5-7, so I said “you know what? I have been 0% suspicious of Josh the entire way through, but this show is steeped in mystery and it would be irresponsible of me no to pay attention to the character that I write off…after all, in a mystery it’s always the inconspicuous ones,” 

And thus began my Josh!focused Rewatch of Episodes 5-7 (shout out to @so-much-yet-to-learn for bullying me about this, thank you for keeping me humble friend <3). 

Some things I noticed in Episode 5:

Anan was running against Trin for student body president 

When Trin is speaking in to the megaphone about wanting to change the bathrooms, Josh is in the crowd of students listening, but he does not participate in the chants everyone else is saying. And the second the Head Master appears, he is running off before he can really be registered as in attendance of this gathering. 

Josh was out of the room when Joe saw Trin’s ghost, he returns after Trin’s ghost disappears, and Josh has left the auditorium when Trin’s ghost reappears and Nai sees him following after Joe. 

Trin’s medical records state that he has bipolar disorder which can cause him to have hallucinations, he was off his medication, and he was using narcotics to treat his symptoms 

It is later revealed that Trin got a medical check up after his arm injury, where it was discovered that he had consumed marijuana. 

All in all there isn’t much to go off of here, expect that Josh seems rather non-committal to Trin’s policy changes, and he does not want to be seen in the company of unruly students. 

Episode 6, however, is where it starts getting interesting for me, because Episode 6 is where Josh invites Dan out for a little smoke sesh.  

Now, I will admit, at the time of my initial watch, most of the conversation between Dan and Josh whizzed right on past me, obviously the only reason he had called Dan out there was to ask if he liked Cha-aim and to showboat a little bit. But on this watch through, thinking about Trin and Josh and drugs, the conversation hit much different, and it warranted a theory. 

The Build Up

Dan asks Josh where he got the weed from, and Josh tells him he got it from a man named Bancha, an alumnus of the school who is a witch doctor. (now that I think about it, that is probably who this person is from the promos for Ep 8-14 (to your question @slayerkitty): 

ANYWAY, Josh tells Dan that Bancha is a hermit who lives near the woods, and is a witch doctor that can treat mental illnesses. He asks Dan if he’s been having trouble sleeping and upon hearing Dan confirm his sleeping issues, tells Dan that Bancha could totally help him get rid of his sleeping problems. 

So why did this start ringing alarm bells for me this time through? Because a) I was watching Josh with more scrutiny these episodes, b) I’ve been paying a probably unhealthy amount of attention to arms in Shadow over the last few weeks and c) I remembered more details about Trin. 

The Puzzle Pieces 

When Trin’s parents come storming in to Brother Anurak’s office pissed the fuck off because their sons medical records got leaked to the press, Brother Anurak mentions to them that Trin about a year ago (which is around the time Trin disappeared), Trin was treated in a hospital for an injury to his arm. 

We open Episode 1 of Shadow with Trin running through the forest, with his left arm bandaged up. 

Brother Anurak also tells Trin’s parents that he had weed in his system when he got that treatment. (When I heard this at first I brushed it off because it felt like between the mention of bipolar, hallucinations, and narcotics use, adding the weed on top was just a few too many things to try to discredit any potential intel Trin might have had and to distance the school more from his disappearance). 

Josh is the only person we have seen with weed (so far).  

Trin was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and did not like the medication he was on. He wanted to feel “normal” and to get off his medication, which we are told through a flashback conversation between Trin and Master Joe in the theater. We also learn that Trin is going somewhere, he wants to give Master Joe a pen of his to hold on to while he is away and tells Joe, “when I come back and I’m rid of this disease, I will give you your answer” [side note: Joe does not take Trin’s pen, yet he has it in his desk in 1999, so he had to get it back from Trin somehow]

In short, Trin wants to be cured of his bipolar disorder and this Banchan guy that Josh mentioned is a witch doctor that can treat mental illness. 

The Theory 

So with these things in mind, that Josh was in a lot of the flashback scenes with Trin, that Trin had smoked weed at some point before his disappearance, wanted to be rid of his mental illness, had an injured arm, and was running through the woods when we first are introduced to him, I came up with a theory. 

Josh played an active role in Trin’s disappearance. 

gif from @pharawee

With the crumbs they have presented to us so far, my theory is that at the beginning of Episode 1 we are seeing Trin escaping the witch doctor that Josh has convinced Trin to go see. Trin had an injured arm at the beginning of Episode 1, and Brother Anurak mentions an arm injury, so I’d have to imagine they are the same injury. Which means that Trin had probably smoked weed with Josh like Dan had smoked weed with Josh. I can imagine that Trin asked the same question about where Josh got his drugs from, and that Josh gave the same answer. I can imagine Josh potentially knowing about Trin’s medical diagnoses, or at least observing in part Trin’s own experience with hallucinations and relying on that to help convince Trin to go see the witch doctor. 

I can see Josh getting closer to Trin, close enough to get Trin comfortable with him, close enough to get Trin to trust him. I can see Josh and Trin sneaking out to the edge of the woods to smoke, and how that might make it easier to get Trin alone, away from prying eyes, and more comfortable with being in the forest at night. I can see Josh either walking Trin straight to the witch doctor’s door, or telling Trin how to get there. I can imagine the witch doctor trying to do something to “cure” Trin, whether that be an exorcism, a poisoning, an attempted murder, or something else entirely, and Trin managing to escape. Which would explain why we see him running through the woods, because as Josh said, Bancha lives right near the woods. 

I see some things repeating themselves in the promo for the second half of the season, namely Dan having his left arm bandaged the same way that Trin’s was at the beginning of the show and running through the woods looking behind him scared the same was Trin was at the beginning of the show.

Do I think Josh is alone in all of this? No. If he is involved in this at all, I literally have no gauge or understanding of how complicit and aware of what he is doing Josh is. If Josh did play a role in Trin’s disappearance, is he sticking so close to Nai because he feels guilty? Or if my theory does hold true and Josh is pulling Dan aside for conversations and smoke sessions, is he intentionally setting something up?

Josh seems really comfortable and at ease with being physically affectionate and flirty with Nai, despite the potential to be subjected to homophobia, yet he also thinks theater is gay and tells Dan not to join because people will think he is a fag (which, I believe is the closest translation of “toot” to English, fruitcake is certainly not it). 

When Trin was getting beaten up by Anan, Josh just puts his Walkman radio on and ignores the entire fight. Anan and Josh both say Trin is dead (and to be fair, if it were me and a student at my high school went missing a full year before, I would probably also assume they had died). 

Oh! And another thing, one of the drawings in Dan's vision of the One Armed Man was a camera, you know who is associated with cameras?

Josh, our resident Photographer and General Assistant

I think @brazilian-whalien52 made a great point in the conversation I had with her: “Shadow seems like the type of drama everybody had a little hand in. Not an individual blame, but a look through society and the roles we play that affect others,” 

All of which is to say, I unfortunately, will be withholding granting Josh “favorite straight boy” status in Shadow until the narrative proves my theory wrong.

[prostopaket]

OK, so I was always intrigued and interested by mental illnesses, and well psychology. So here is my little analysis on why q84 from the game hello charlotte has bpd !

First of let's list all the symptoms of bpd and then see if it fits her :

1. Threats of suicide or self-injury.

I think it fits her a LOT, since she threatened and even committed kind off a suicide! Charlotte or way more known as q84 is suicidal and depressed, there's no doubt in that. She even was read beat the shit of Charles, her creator, her God, her kind of a father just cuz he "revived " her.

• "I feel like shit."

• I get up in an instant.

• "What the hell, Charles?!"

• "Why the hell am I alive again?!"

• "But it was still you who brought me back, wasn't it?!"

• With horror, I notice the change in my voice's pitch. Something isn't right.

• "Oh god."

• "Whose vessel is this now?"

• "Please don't tell me it's Vincent's."

• "Fuck!"

• "Can't you just let me rest already?"

• "Why do you keep doing things like this?!"

• "Calm down? Calm down?!"

• "I want to die! God, I want to die!"

2. A pattern of unstable, intense relationships, such as believing someone is perfect one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel.

This also fits for her relationship with Charles, or way more know as c. Since she actually thought of him as a friend, and then the moment he gets in her way of dieing, she snaps and shouts at him.

• "Yeah, sure. Bet you're happy you got yourself a new meatsuit."

• "You should join me on the WSoc meeting next time. It'll be fun."

• "Charles has no friends!"

• "Hm. Valid point."

• "Okay you win."

• 3. Quick changes in how you see yourself. This includes shifting goals and values, as well as seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist.

This one is shown in her ego, and how much it matters for her to show herself off to people as a strong and independent person! She even "reads " books that would swoon anyone into thinking she's smart. But deep down inside she" knows "

Nobody likes her or that she has no friends.

• "I haven't read most of these books anyway."

• "But when I mention these titles, people think I'm smart."

• (Thank god we brainwashed him!)

• "Of course the tea was poisoned. I knew it."

• "Yeah, right. You hate me."

• "The tenants hate me."

• "They say they don't, but I know how it actually is."

• "Felix's afraid of me."

• "The others act like I don't exist."

• "Only Aiden is on my side, but he was brainwashed into it."

• ""Friendly"? Just what part of those nutcases is "friendly"?"

• "56 of my deaths in the House were their fault and only 23 of those cases were purely accidental."

• "But if I don't pick on them, they'll ignore me altogether."

4.Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality.

This one shows in the way she reacts to people of the home, they are actively trying to get her and that makes her paranoid from anything. To the point she knew her tea was poisoned which led to her death.

• "Most of these dolls look like me."

• "This one kinda resembles me."

• "To come think of it, I've never seen the faces of the corpses you're performing the experiments on."

5.Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, dangerous driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating, drug misuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

This one is literally all the execution hours ! And of course the fact that she got on Bennetts nerves when he was "angry" and sober. This is also shown in her fight with scarlett in which she actively chooses to get the gods wish and die afterwards.

• Oh."

• "Someone's having a hard time."

• "But..."

• "...it's none of my business, is it."

• "Oh wait. Let me snap a photo."

• "Ka-chink!"

• "Aaaand done."

• Hi everyone!

• "Welcome to our daily program, the Execution Hour!"

• "Meet Girl B! For today's show only, she'll have the privilege of having a face!"

• "You must be wondering, "Who the hell is this?""

• ""This is the first time I've ever seen this character!"

• ""How the hell am I supposed to sympathize?""

• "And you're absolutely, totally RIGHT!"

• "Because this...is a total stranger!"

• "But...If I told you she did bad things, you'd believe me, right?"

• "If I told you to avoid her, you'd believe me, right?"

• "Nobody cares enough to check the facts anyway!"

• "That is why we're here right now."

• "Anyhow..."

• "She was chosen to be the guest in this week's episode by you, dear friends."

• "Today we'll be baking cookies!"

• "Hush. We're on TV. Manners, remember?"

• "Now them you need to preheat the oven to 180C."

• "But since we don't have an oven, we can use our guest's body as a substitute!"

• "Here I go!" <3"

• "This concludes our show!"

• "Stay white with us! Join White Society!"

• "Bennett? Are you dead?"

• "What a meanie!"

• "Oh, oh! Don't tell me you're going through withdrawal syndrome?"

• "So disgusting! Weren't you supposed to be a comic relief character? Where did that go?"

• "Oh! I know!"

• "It's all because of the regular soap intakes, isn't it?"

• "Anyone can be manically happy forever when they're braindead, right?"

• "Yeah, right. You hate me."

• "But, it doesn't really matter."

• "You can't kill me anyway."

• "Oh no! Bennett is so scary!"

• "Are those the kinds of jobs you do for dr Huxley?"

• "Yet, he failed to raise a mindless killing machine out of you."

6.Wide mood swings that last from a few hours to a few days.

This one's shown frequently all through out the game ! From her reaction to aiden to the talk with c, her near death with scarlett and her relationship with anri.

• "...ah."

• "Aiden! Hi! Hi!"

• "School, schmool~ Who cares!"

• "Play with me?"

• "Come on! Let's go arrange the food in the fridge or something. You love that stuff, don't you?"

• "It'll be fun!"

• "...Aiden?"

• "...oh."

• "Well, whatever."

• "Bye, Aiden."

• "Hey, dr Huxley."

• "What is the meaning of this?"

• "You left the door open yourself."

• "If you try to harm me, my soul data will get loaded into a new vessel."

• "And I'll be coming here again and again until I get an answer."

• "Hey. Don't change the subject."

• "What are you getting at?"

• "No, and I frankly don't care."

• "Does Felix know about this?"

• "Eugh. I didn't need to hear that part."

• "..."

• "I'm gonna tell him."

• "..."

• "I see, I see! You have it all arranged!"

• "Oh. So this is where you were hiding."

• "A panic attack, really?"

• "It's fine. Here, I'll pat your head, useless C."

• "Well. Sort of."

• "it hurts it hurts it hurts IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS "

7.Ongoing feelings of emptiness.

This symptom is so clearly seen in the scene when charlotte was talking about anri and how she met her !

• It was back then, when her skirt got stolen from her locker during PE class.

• By the girls sitting right here, no less.

• She had nothing to change into, so she had to wear her track shorts all day.

• Everyone was laughing at her.

• Seeing how helpless and embarrassed she was...

• I felt nothing.

• And didn't do anything.

• I left her alone, and now she's nothing more than an errand girl buying us coffee.

• That's all there is to it.

8. Inappropriate, strong anger, such as losing your temper often, being sarcastic or bitter, or physically fighting.

Is shown with Charles and everyone else ! Especially scarlett ! With whom she is really bitter and sarcastic, also it's really shown in her interactions with people from "home ".

• Eyler, what the actual hell?"

• Scarlett kicks my broken leg, causing me to arch my back in pain.

• "Gh...!!"

• "Why are you...doing this..."

• "...oh really? We're playing heroes and villains now?"

• "Oh, so she's the victim now?"

• "Alright, alright, I'll shut up."

• "But what..in the world... do you want to achieve by showing me all of this? Kh..."

• "Shut it, Eyler... you don't know anything about this...world...or the person you're talking to..."

• "Just whom are you protecting? A bunch of NPCs whose only line is a laugh track?"

• My Educational Program at School began.

• On Monday, I got laughed at in class.

• On Tuesday, my bag got stolen.

• On Wednesday, I got dunked into a toilet.

• On Thursday, I got assaulted in the changing room.

• On Friday, I was made to eat dirt.

• On Saturday, I decided.

• I will not give in.

• I will not become a victim.

• I will not get soaked in ugly colors.

• I will not become tainted.

• No matter what it takes, I will stay pure white.

• "Oh? What are we celebrating?"

• "Ah!"

• "I love surprises."

• "Mind pouring me a drink?"

• "Oh, you went so far as to frame my photo with black ribbons. My favorite color is white, you know?"

• "No, no, keep it."

• [slurp]

• "Truly delicious!"

• "Well then, I'll be off. Keep on partying!"

So yeah ! That kind the end of my little analysis! I hope ya liked it :) I sure would love to see your input in this !

[capetowncapers]

Saw a post about how mental healthcare professionals often want to treat patients until they exhibit symptoms of their illness and then they get frustrated/irritated/surprised by this and

Me dreading calling about fixing the prescription on my one medication bc I gave my prescriber the pharmacy location I thought would make the most sense (then the pharmacy took several days longer than planned to fill the scrip and I ended up having to go back home sooner than planned for a number of reasons) and I forgot I had done this, assuming as a result that my meds would be ready at home

And I feel like she’s gonna be all frustrated but honestly…. Yeah your patient with brain fog and resultant memory issues…. Is probably going to struggle with brain fog and memory. Now and then.

Anyway, I felt like I could relate.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Working on a fic rn that is killing me, I GOTTA talk about it. Imagine ftm Izaya being asked by Shinra and Celty to be their surrogate bc their options are limited and they assume he wouldn't be able to get attached to the baby bc of his aspd and general disposition (unfair assumption on their part) Izaya only agrees bc he can't stand the idea of disappointing Shinra and proceeds to go through the mental anguish of dysmorphia and carrying a baby that's not even his that he wants to love so much

i. man. ive been presenting this ask to my friends all day because this is such a good fucking idea. this is perhaps the best drr fic of all time by my personal ranking (which also happens to be the correct ranking) and i thought id give you a couple fun little bits of informed mation that could possibly help you with this fic :) one of them is surrogacy related the other is aspd related

SO!!! the first thing i did was show my fiance and i said, well, izaya could keep the baby if he wanted, surrogacy laws are in his favor. but then i thought..... are they? because i was basing that off surrogacy laws in the us..... so i googled it!

surrogacy in japan is um, Extremely Controversial! first off, surrogates do have legal guardianship of the baby, the parents who want the baby have to go thru a formal adoption process, and if it goes to court, courts would most likely side with the surrogate.

BUT!!!!!! the welfare of the child is explicitly stated to be the first and foremost concern. at the end of the day, a married couple could very well win over a single man, especially a single man with antisocial personality disorder, if his diagnosis is on record anywhere. (of course this is all dependent on whether or not izaya GOES to court, and if celty can keep her helmet on and pose as a mute human woman)

either way, this all but confirms that shinra would be izaya's obgyn. imagine at every checkup, shinra is cooing over how well his baby is doing, completely oblivious to how upset izaya is <3 did u know that if you're trans and you get pregnant, you have to stop taking your hrt? too much testosterone can cause miscarriages- very high levels of natural T is actually why i'm infertile </3 so that can be a little extra angst for izaya~ <3

NEXT! THING!!

let me introduce u to the concept of aspd exceptions <3

it's..... kind of like the aspd version of a pwbpd's favorite person? kind of? not really

it's like. sometimes, for one person, the aspd will not be aspding. they're... literally the exception to how your symptoms work. things like empathy and yeah even remorse will work within like, normal operating levels. it's kind of weird tbh and kind of distressing? like, since you're not used to these emotions being there, especially with how strong they are, you have no way to cope with them. it sucks major ass and while it can being people closer together, it also sucks major ass. like.... if you never felt remorse before, suddenly feeling remorse over something you commonly do just because you did it to one Specific Person, leaves you with this very strong, very bad emotion, that you have no way to cope with!

and its not just remorse too, things like empathy fire off at full cylinders, so like... if ur used to just using cognitive empathy and logicing out things, imagine how much itd suck to suddenly be ass blasted by Functioning Normally Affective Empathy

anyway there's this one lady on tiktok who has aspd, and she talks about aspd symptoms a lot. she has a young child, and that child is her exception

get what i'm getting at here? ;) imagine izaya going thru all this then, while already distressed, dysphoric, and hormonal, shit like EMPATHY and strong STRONG emotional ties started kicking in wrt his baby and now he has to deal with extremely strong emotions he is not used to!

(and in case ur wondering, yes i do have exceptions, but who it exactly IS changes from time to time and the feeling ebbs away over time too so sometimes i don't have one)

anyway!!! i love this fic already. PLEASE dm me i need to go absolute ham over this with you. please. please . i can introduce u to my friends so thats like. 3 friends for the price of one

please tell me this ends happily i do not think i would be able to handle it if it did not. please. i am crying and begging and pissing . please.

[hatredmadeofgold]

If it's not too invasive, how did you get diagnosed with ASPD, and has it changed anything for you?

I don't feel too comfortable sharing a lot of details of my history online tbh but since I share stuff on my blog about mental health things and mention ASPD pretty often in the tags, here's a little summary for you from what I feel comfortable sharing under the cut.

I got misdiagnosed with BPD in my early 20s during a psych ward stay, which later turned out to be a misreading of my issues by the psychiatrist and therapists there. Over several years of receiving therapy, I eventually got diagnosed correctly (in my opinion) with ADHD, cPTSD, DID and Personality Disorder of the emotionally-unstable (read: not borderline type; the ICD makes a difference between EUPD-impulsive and EUPD-borderline, while the DSM-V lumps them together as Borderline PD which is also confusing as fuck when you don't have the borderline part of the disorder yet get told you have BPD because it's the universally more known label) and the dissocial type (ICD-10 version for anti-social PD).

In regards to the combined PDs, it just felt to me like getting the logical answer to some questions I had that I didn't know how to answer myself for a long time.

When I first got diagnosed with BPD I rejected the idea of having a PD entirely, mainly because I don't relate to more than half of the disorder's characteristics after having dug deeper into the matter. The other reason was the psychiatrist back then dishing it out together with a transphobic remark, saying that I cannot be a trans man because of my 'unstable sense of self' (that was just her team observing different alters during my stay there) and her own cissexist definitions of 'man' and 'woman'.

So when it got later changed to ASPD, I already had a clue of what was going on with me anyway due to the new found interest in human psychology and mental health conditions. I also had a complete lifestyle change from prior getting diagnosed with BPD, which got me into new hobbies and some low-key forming interest in becoming more pro-social because there's an arguable benefit of not fucking up your life to the point it could get me my freedoms revoked. Felt like I am having my shit together (which I didn't actually have, but I was good at making the dissociality more covert) for the most part until the pandemic, the lockdowns hit me with major setbacks and I pretty much regressed almost entirely to who I was pre-PD diagnosis in my early 20s.

In my last clinic stay (different one from the one mentioned above), the psychiatrist there told me that they have doubts about the PDs though, and said that my symptoms could also be explained with cPTSD which technically makes sense but... yeah, idk man.

I call bullshit because I don't have complete amnesia about my childhood and teen years and there's plenty of evidence for conduct problems that never saw any treatment during that time. Then again, I grew up in a small town in buttfuck nowhere with corrupt cops, useless social workers and plenty of crime, so I am also not surprised that I just could get away with my bullshit and I suspect that the DID also made it easier as well, since not all alters have the same intensity of anti-social symptoms and behaviours. I suspect that I have the combined PD label because some alters are more emotionally-unstable, and others are more anti-social.

I am also physically disabled (and tbh I struggle to even admit to myself that I am disabled even though a recent physical exam begs to differ) and I guess that my limited ability to get into physical altercations with other people due to said disability makes me apparently not 'violent enough' for them to give me the ASPD label I guess lol

[rin-and-jade]

hiya, it's V from that reassurance post the other day. i thought id pop in with two questions that are related to each other. it's not time sensitive or anything so don't stress about answering it right away!

so im the frontstuck host right (hence our suspicion of p-did) since ive been stuck here most or less constantly since i formed in june to take over for the past host/symptom holder. we have an innerworld (a house on a hill with a front porch). when i enter the innerworld im always on the grass by the porch and typically can't enter the house but i can get onto the porch and talk with whoever is outside of the house and observing me fumble around in the real world. yesterday there was a sort of barrier physically blocking me from getting onto the porch, leaving me stuck in the grass. today i could get there just fine. therein lies the question: is this the work of a gatekeeper? like is this something that wouldn't be unexpected of a gatekeeper for one reason or another?

i haven't encountered a gatekeeper in our system yet but im sure one exists. that brings me to my second question: is a gatekeeper role inherently incompatible with any other role? like can a little be a gatekeeper? (i don't think our little is a gatekeeper, but it's an interesting thought).

thank you for all the work that you do here. hopefully you can get through my rambling (i have a tendency to be excessive in my descriptions and giving context, sorry).

-V

The thing is you have to be super chatty with your situation, the more details the better,, do you think doctors can prescribe you with the right meds if you were vague anyway...? Yeah think about that.

I can't directly assume that any work is of a keeper's (because i am one) and because there's a thing i studied about fluctuating levels of mental clarity, and this clarity also affects how well you can see your world inside.. it might look like you're blocked off intentionally because we are never aware or willing to keep track of that just like daytime sleepiness that comes and goes.

Though i believe you did nothing wrong, i doubt keepers (especially me) would just randomly block people or force abort thoughts unless there's a bad situation. Also, as a keeper with sort of multiple yet changing roles? There's no reason that a part can't be a keeper because of x or y or z. Literally, i'm a symptom and memory (most are early trauma) holder, semi persc/prot, and used to be the one out doing things in daily life like a host? Though i don't consider as one anymore since i resigned (thus the "changing"). So there's a chance for a little to be a keeper too? I hope.

And sike, i love rambles,, visit me often will you.

- j

[miraesz]

hi pals, i'm ronnie; i've been eyeing this group for a while but i haven't rped on a platform besides twitter in like five years??? i know, embarrassing, i know. anyways, i hope i covered enough for now; i didn't wanna plot too much current stuff without contacting indigo members. if you wanna hit like so i can bother you for a thread then don't let me distract you any longer! <3

{ ronnie, 25, est, xe/they } —— look who’s joining the infinite tour! only MIRAE RHEE, who is the (MAIN DANCER of) INDIGO. i’ve heard whispers that the 22 year old is pretty AMBITIOUS but lowkey TEMPERMENTAL. also, don’t they remind you of CHOI SOOBIN?

mirae was born in seoul but only stayed there briefly before moving to new york city to live with their adoptive parents. all they really know about their biological family is that they were born to a single, teen mom. mirae has never held any resentment towards her, they are sympathetic towards her situation and thankful for the family they were placed with; their adoptive dads ended up spoiling them rotten.

mirae was adopted by their parents just a few months after being born. their dads, atticus and taejoon rhee, are both artists: one a painter and one an off-broadway actor. it was natural that mirae would follow in their footsteps and want to be an artist themself, starting with instruments like piano and guitar before expanding into dancing and singing with their dad - taejoon.

mirae is a theatre kid, they performed at small children's theatres around manhattan before joining theatre in school. their dads nurtured their creativity and expressed to them to always dream big growing up so mirae always wanted to be an idol. growing up in the 00's, they consumed media from a very young age and idolized the entertainers they saw on the music stations so, yeah, they dreamed about being an idol since childhood.

unfortunately, mirae rebelled a bit in their teenage years since they struggled with their identity and mental health. i won't go into detail since it can be triggering so we will skip to later. they're diagnosed officially with an anxiety disorder, depression and borderline personality disorder in their later teen years. they managed to keep it together for most of their training period before losing it near indigo's debut date, the stress causing them to melt down and finally be professionally treated for symptoms. don't worry - they're good at faking sanity for public appearances.

mirae, the idol, is definitely known for charisma (uniqueness nerve and talent) in front of cameras or around fans. lots of stage presence and fluidity with dancing styles. playful and witty. they're the type of idol that flirts with fans the whole time they're vlogging. meanwhile, they're really just an emotional little dweeb behind the scenes. they sell the idol image well but it's not the reality most of the time. truthfully, they are still a kid at heart so catch mirae playing on their nintendo or binging nostalgic movies from their childhood.

i'm going to keep them open from here so i can plot with you all. some connections i'd like to see? of course, work-related things always apply like maybe doing a duet or working on the same special. i'm sure there is always a path we can go regarding their careers! if not, i'm down for any of the typical connections like fwbs, bff, freniemies or foes. but in all honestly - i usually wing it and see where chemistry takes me.

uhm… here's a list of their favorite things. color? sage green. drink? chai tea with creme. song? heart of glass by blondie. movie? ponyo. animal? jelly fish. candy? gummy sharks. flower? snapdragons. band? queen. bias? hyuna. scent? sandalwood. pokemon? cubchoo. game? the last of us. season? spring. okay, i'm done rambling now!

[echoesagain]

#8

Don’t often include trigger warnings but this includes (mild) self-harm and mental health shit. You’ve been warned

Probably going to be a long one this time. It’s been a while since the last one (at least it’s felt like ages), doesn’t affect much anyway. Uni exams all done, my time is coming to an end for first year. Back home, smiles, drinks and making more drunk mistakes- what more could a 19 year old physics student want?

So, a lot of shit has happened, as you’d expect. I got a very interesting book called Radio Silence by Alice Oseman and holy fuck, did it wreck me. For context, the only other Oseman content I had read before this was Heartstopper (web-comic then netflix show) and I thought it was alright, loved the art style. But, wow, she writes incredibly. I haven’t cried in over a decade and that book made me have to hold back full on sobs. I had to put it down several times to curl up into a ball and try and block out the avalanche of noise, the tirade of life bearing down on me. I am convinced I had some kind of mental episode as I ended up balling up a fist and pounding it into my desk again and again until the feeling of air on my knuckles caused me to wince, the mere idea of twitching a finger caused me agony.

Quick break- I am not mentally ill. I have never exhibited any mental symptoms before this nor since. I can’t explain why or justify myself, I just felt the urge to let it all out while reading it. In that sense, Radio Silence was one of the most cathartic books I’ve ever read. I promptly bought Solitaire and Loveless and read them in similar “all-at-once” fashions but without the whole going completely fucking insane. Reading this all back, I seem like a troll or an attention-seeker. I promise, I am only the latter, my previous posts are more than enough evidence of that. The worst part is, I don’t know exactly what about Radio Silence caused it to happen. I don’t relate to any of the characters that much (no more than other fictitious characters) and the plot has no resemblance of my life or experiences other than I’m a first year uni student.

It scared me. I scared me. It was such a rush of emotions from nothing and, believe me, I have reread that book three times in as many days (and yes, I got it three days ago). I have had similar reactions each time but I managed to avoid pulping my fist on each re-read. I have found no particular character, plot development or even sentence that had any cause to distress me so. All I know is, that book causes me to slowly build tension in my body until it all comes out and ruins me. I didn’t sleep at all yesterday and I’m writing this at 1:05 am at the uni football pitches working on around 40 hours since I last slept.

For christs sake, I relate to Georgia Warr more than Aled, Frances or Daniel yet for some fucking reason, I can’t let it go. Yeah, apologies that this blog became a kind of fucked up book review/ rant. For what it’s worth, the book is incredible and I cannot describe my experience as negative, only very confusing but very, very interesting. 9/10 because I cannot justify self harm.

Now, I’m forced to question my mental health. I’m hoping it was just a one-off, freak accident caused by decades of bottling up my emotions (#toxicmasculinityftw) but I can’t call myself a self- respecting physicist and write something off as a “random error”, especially when that something is as big as this. Maybe I do relate to Frances or Aled or Daniel more than I thought I did and I just didn’t realise it. Maybe I just got so immersed in the writing style that I just felt so empathetic towards the characters (especially Aled) that I couldn’t help it? Honestly, who knows and, frankly, speculation on a bench at 1:13 am will get me no where. I passed several parties of people on my way here, all presumably celebrating exams end and I couldn’t help but wonder if I envied them or if I’d sooner shoot myself than be in such an environment. Maybe it’s all to do with company.

Sorry, getting too speculative again. All I know is, I need to read Radio Silence again, Alice Oseman is a phenomenal writer and their writing style is just so relatable (maybe that’s how 50’s kids felt when they read Catcher in the Rye? Idk, I enjoyed it but the writing was “so phony” and it “killed me”). Regardless, more research is needed, I’ve never felt more confused (and that’s coming from someone who still isn’t sure of their sexuality) and I need some chips. Until next time!

[ozma914]

Say happy National Public Safety Telecommunicators Week three times fast

 April has sucked royally thus far, and I haven't felt very funny (as opposed to not being funny and thinking I am). So I'm celebrating National Public Safety Telecommunicators Week the way they used to do summer television: With a re-run.)

I've been taking 911 calls for so long that they were originally 91 calls. Well, it seems that way. It turns out National Public Safety Telecommunicators Week predates my full-time employment in the emergency services by ten years, and can we possibly shorten that name down a bit? By the time I finish saying the title, the week is over. I'm going to call it ... NPSTW. I know somebody who got their Bachelor Degree at NPSTW, although they've since married. Go Bulldogs! Anyway, I started with the Noble County EMS as a seventeen year old trainee in late 1979, and joined our volunteer fire department on my birthday in 1980. But it wasn't until December, 1991, that I took an actual paying job in that area, as a jail officer with the Noble County Sheriff Department. Within a few years I got tired of getting sick all the time. Seriously: Those inmates breathed so many germs on me, I thought I was in a sequel to The Andromeda Strain. So I went into dispatch, trading physical ailments for mental ones.

  Unknown to me, way back in 1981 Patricia Anderson, of the Contra Costa County Sheriff's Office in California, came up with this idea to give tribute to, um, NPST, or as I'm going to call them, dispatchers. Yes, I know "dispatchers" doesn't tell the whole story, but my typing fingers are tired. I've been here--let me update--about 32 years, and dispatched for most of those. So long that when I started we had only one computer, to get information such as license plate and driver's license returns, using DOS. Get your grandparents to explain DOS to you. My wife points out that back then we received 911 calls by smoke signal, while carving notes onto stone tablets. I'm fairly sure she was kidding. I've been here so long I could retire. Full retirement pay! Sadly, I haven't figured out how to make up  for insurance and the difference in income, but I'm hoping my book sales will pick up. (Note: They have, but not enough.) Also, it would be tough learning to sleep through the night. Things really were easier back then, when it comes to learning the job. Our computer systems do make it easier to help people these days, but astronauts don't train as much as our rookies do. Spaceship vehicle pursuits are faster, though. The truth is, I'm not sure I could make it through training, if I started today. Instead of one small computer screen,  I'm looking at seven flat screen monitors, not including the security and weather screens. Our report was written (in pen) on a piece of paper about half the size of a standard sheet. Today we have a Computer Aided Dispatch (CAD), radio screen, phone screen, mapping screen, recorder screen, 911 texting screen, and a screen to keep track of everyone's duty status. We also have a screen to keep track of screens. Those are just the ones we use regularly.

I found this waiting for me when I got into work Monday. They get me.

  I'm pretty burned out at this point, and some of our calls can get rough. I have all the symptoms of PTSD; some of them include:

Experiencing a life-threatening event, like when the dispatch pop machine ran out of Mountain Dew; Flashbacks and nightmares, such as reliving the night we ran out of Mountain Dew; Avoidance, such as staying away from places that don't have ... well, you know. Depression or irritability, which I just now realized might be related to consuming too much caffeine; Chronic pain ... wow, that one hit me like a pulled back muscle. I checked off each and every box: avoidance, numbing, flashbacks, being on edge, overeating ... HEY! Who the HECK took my meatball sub out of the break room fridge! I'm HUNGRY! Where was I? Oh, yeah: Why the heck am I still here? Here's the thing. I've worked in retail; in factories; as a security guard and jail officer; as a radio DJ; I once made two bucks an hour growing worms for fishing lure. And for all the emotional turmoil, all the mental stress, all the physical ailments, all the days when I wanted to scream, and so desperately wanted to NOT go back into work the next shift ... Dispatching is still the best full time job I've ever had. Of course, I'm not a full time writer, yet. For that I'd only have to deal with one computer screen.

Wait, am I seriously the only male who works here? Anyway, thank you to the Town of Albion for the thank you.

http://markrhunter.com/ https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

[broteinshake69]

Medical discussion and analysis on Ruben

@seradyn​ Since Shinji Mikami and the team at Tango did such a piss poor job on covering the plight of burn survivors in a game that dehumanizes one - Ruben - based on his (untreatable, let’s be honest) mental illness and actions as a serial killer, I’m going to attempt to shed some light on some details that they tried and failed to explain through vague ass flashbacks and Ruben’s character design/appearance/disfigured posture. We’re not here to pat Ruben on the back and say he’s a good person, he isn’t, but what we are doing is acknowledging that Ruben never had a fair chance at a normal, productive life, and stability, and that his disfigurement was the symptom and reason - aside from Laura’s death - for why he spiraled. It was the reason his father rejected him and locked him up, it was the reason he hid himself from the rest of society once free after almost a full decade of abuse and neglect, and it was the reason his mental health deteriorated when he was isolated. I apologize if my tone is patronizing and rude in this discussion, I’ve had to swallow so much hateful, opinionated idiocy and bullshit from the people I’ve roleplayed with (and even just new and old fans in general) over the years, and yeah. It’s made me a bit bitter and I now realize how ableist people are about Ruben. People are horrible and shallow - surprise! Medical analysis and explanation starts below.

I may also cover the damaging psychological effects that long-term solitary confinement cause in adults in another post. I doubt I’ll be able to find much literature on children, since Ruben was 10 years old when he was forced to live alone, so we can just assume that in children, it’s even more devastating. There are so many things that go wrong internally from massive burn injuries like Ruben’s, and there’s too many to cover, but I’ll try my best... We already know that Ruben has chronic migraines, seizures, thermoregulation issues, and nerve loss, which are all the caused by burn injuries, but things like muscle growth, bone density, and hair growth, are all effected, as well as the development of nervous system disorders (seizures, headaches), impaired digestion (metabolic issues), recurrent infections, and loss of mobility to name a few, and the list goes on. Ruben has them all and the fact that it doesn’t get discussed anymore tells me that people don’t know or care. But I guess it’s easier (and more appealing) for some people to dumb him down and look at him as just a homicidal ghost...but anyway. Before I really get into it, it’s also important to consider that in the 1980′s, the time when Ruben would’ve been “treated”, that medical technologies and therapies for burn wounds would’ve been lacking compared to now. Ruben also lived rurally, and in the middle of nowhere, which would’ve created even more complications. So, one of the most notable things about Ruben’s appearance next to the massive patches of burn scarring will no doubt be his hair loss. His eyebrow hair, which was sparse to begin with if you note his child model, is completely gone. His scalp hair is gone, also. Since Ruben was a child when he was burned, the changes to his hormones were drastic, and though it would appear he did develop, physically, as well as his voice getting deeper as he aged, in my understanding his situation is different from adults who are burned. Children who are still developing will obviously have a different physiological response to severe burn scars. I did some reading on burn alopecia and it does seem to affect hair regrowth. 

There’s a lot of literature available on this topic, including alopecia in children, not just related to burn injuries. According to some articles I read, PTSD and trauma can cause alopecia. I would say that such is the case for Ruben, and that he suffers alopecia as a result of extensive burn injuries, and that due to being a child, his system was effected and the stress placed on his body and system from massive injuries, Laura’s death, and the psychological trauma of disfigurement are the reasons for his baldness/inability to grow hair. The other notable thing about Ruben is his poor posture—WHICH IS NOT HIS FAULT, don’t get mad at me, guys. But your neck is not supposed to slope down and forward like that, there’s a medical reason for this. He always has his head bowed, his neck is usually lowered in an unhealthy position. In burn survivors, this is caused by burn contractures (a medical term used in diagnosing burn injuries) which is when the burned area tightens up, loses elasticity and becomes hardened, thusly putting strain on the surrounding healthy skin, and making natural movement difficult and sometimes impossible depending on where the scar contracture occurred and how the burned flesh fused. For example, if Ruben’s chin was against his collarbone during the burn injury, he would’ve fused to his collarbone, creating a fused burn contracture. I’m sorry for that description, but it’s either that or I post a picture, which I’m not going to be doing on here for obvious reasons. In general, Ruben’s posture is called “forward head posture”:

You can see where the skin under Ruben’s chin has become warped and has fused with his neck, and how the skin appears thicker and swollen, which is what happens with burn injuries unfortunately. Luckily, his skin isn’t fused in a problematic position for him, but he still suffers from burn contractures and this position causes strain, too, but perhaps not as much as fighting it would. Continuing on the topic of burn contractures, they’re a problem around the major joint areas (ankles, knees, pelvis, wrists, fingers, elbows, neck) and a reason why Ruben needed the aid of a wheelchair. Contractures also impede fine motor skills such as writing and something as simple as holding a fork to eat. If you look at his hands, you can see that writing and using his hands would’ve been difficult for him. Keratin loss (responsible for toe/fingernail growth) is also a side effect of burn injury and in Ruben’s appearance, you can see that he lacks toe nails and doesn’t have much left of his fingernails as a result of his burns.

Alright...I think that concludes the discussion, but if guys can think of anything else or just feel like chiming in with your own thoughts, please, feel free to do so! I might even repost this and make it shorter, or go more in depth. The physiological ramifications of burn injuries are huge and varied, especially considering childhood development, and I think that should say enough, too, but I know it really doesn’t. That’s why I thought I would go over some of the physical evidence of Ruben’s issues. Thanks for reading, guys, and take care!

[bandofchimeras]

I often want to delete this blog and my entire life up to now bc of shame.

today I asked myself where it comes from, this shame.

it comes from being ignored or not interacted with, that interaction lessening as I spiral, it is a feedback loop. I feel like my illusion of control is slipping as people scroll by or unfollow, like I'm beyond help.

being online has just been one long fear driven cry for help since I joined social media as a tween.

I no longer believe people should, or want them to rescue me. I do not let myself indulge in resentment anymore, that's a fast track to inceldom.

but growing in that way left this gap - obviously the part that is angry and resentful about being overlooked is stuck in the past, and there are therapies available to help them - but i don't know how to relate to my past now.

many people overlooked, left, neglected, or didn't intervene or indulged in their own discomfort and told themselves I'd be fine.

my mind searches for a reason, and finds my own symptoms, behaviors, attitude.

forgiveness of them seems tied to self blame.

and forgiveness of myself to blaming them.

then it hit me, I am stuck back there trying to find compassion for people who were simply comfortable letting me be the bad kid, the loser, the weirdo.

I believe with the exception of occasional kind souls, people let other people stay where they are, because it's "nobody's business." you have to put yourself out there, you have to ask for help, and be insistent, to get help. if you're not okay, and you just follow all the rules anyways or act out in harmful ways, there is neglect or punishment. it's either "you're fine" or "you're on a bad path" because the goal is not actual love or care, it's maintaining a system.

In my household abuse and neglect were normal.

My needs, thoughts and desires did not matter, or could not matter bc my parents were fixated on surviving and presenting an image to the world. they did try their best, but they were operating out of their own insecurities. they were operating best they could and defining all of us by our skills and accomplishments.

and what I've been grieving all along is that most people define themselves naturally, by where they come from. but where I came from, I didn't feel myself exist. I was a non-entity.

My parents only related to what they wanted to see in me.And I kept finding more and more people who acted the same. And acting the same to other people. It's fucked my life up a lot. It's a state of denial.

What I value, the way I operate, my presence and true desires - I have to fight for these things, and put myself out there now.

There is no real healing for the mental wound of knowing people let other people slip through the cracks than to become someone strong, loving and full of healthful rage, who refuses to let myself slip any further. Who can lend a hand and not watch people spiral silently and judgementally.

So yeah, I still have a lot of anger at being invisible. I still have ego delusions about proving my worth by being the best and brightest or finally seeming normal or funny or passionate.

When you're cluster B diagnosed, to me it's a code for a spiritual misunderstanding. That most people who find joy and meaning in their life really do what lights them up, and forget the rest. And the anger, the resentment comes from the pain of not knowing your true Self, and all the ways you run your head into the wall trying to figure out an image of who that is.

When the whole point is the Self is beyond, under, the image. It's just existing. And defining your existence by existing, and doing shit and not collapsing in fear every time you try something that violates the suffocating little boxes people put each other in while trying to navigate the world.

Tumblr was where I made my most embarrassing social blunders back in the day so when I get back on here it feels like there's something to prove. But the thing I genuinely love about this site now is that there really isn't. It's people just hanging out.

Anyways that's character count for today 😝🤙 I'm not gonna delete my social media, just do more shit IRL and care less.

[ceruleanwhore]

This is nothing against you, personally, but your post is a great example of the struggles I’ve had with ableism as an autistic person. Basically, everyone and their mother is adamant that they’re a total ally but then all do this sort of stuff, where you literally go “I don’t like this person because…” and just list off symptoms/traits of neurodivergence. Most of the traits that Chevalier has as a character are symptomatic of neurodivergence, and that doesn’t mean you have to like him, but I think putting him in context like that might help you with his character.

The most obvious thing with him is the combination of above average intelligence with utterly abominable emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills, which is like the defining factor of the type of autism that used to be called “Asperger’s.” Add in with that the hyperlexia, the very literal, black and white thinking, and the strong sense of justice that no one else really agrees with because it’s tied to that very black and white thinking and you’ve got a strong case for him being on the spectrum.

The other main facet of his neurological profile you can’t forget, though, is cptsd. His emotional detachment from everything and the way he views people that you find so troubling is a self defense mechanism that comes from ptsd. Remember, even if he says he doesn’t care, there was a point in time where he went from being a sweet baby boy everyone loved and praised to being a child genius who everyone either feared or put lofty expectations on, including his mother. Imagine how much it would traumatize a child to very literally experience having their mother stop loving them at such a young age. If he allowed himself to feel emotions, I guarantee he’d have not much other than crippling loneliness and pain all the time, so he doesn’t let himself get attached to anything or feel anything.

Also, I just feel the need to point out that he reads a lot of romance. I bring this up because I think there’s two reasons why he would, the first that it’s the one genre that is completely about interpersonal interactions and relationships, so he could use it to do the nd thing of teaching himself social pragmatics without actually talking to people. The second, though, is that he really is just that lonely and has already decided that no one will ever love him in any capacity, so fiction fills that void a bit.

Anyway, I hope this helps but yeah I mean you can totally not like characters and that’s valid too, although I have much less of a problem with Chevalier himself and more of a problem with Cybird creating these characters with complex mental health and then handling them so very poorly. It’s the same reason why I have major issues with Licht, Nokto, and Yves’ routes as well and I did truly hate Chevalier’s route as well just because of how much I relate to him and how much the MC kept pissing me off. The neurotypical folks have always struggled with writing so-called geniuses because those sorts of characters are basically always just autistic and I think they should just stop tbh.

I can't believe I struggled through Chevalier's route and gained a grudging acceptance of him only to play Clavis's route and tumble right back down the ladder. It's not even neutrality anymore, it's full on dislike.

I'm not even mad that he wants to protect the kingdom. That's valid. It's that he and gilbert have this grand "the people matter less than the kingdom". As if kingdoms aren't made up of said people. It's the same nationalism in a different font. The only thing Rhodolite has above Obsidian is that they don't keep slaves (debatable, given what I remember of Leon's route).

The game insists that Chevalier is some sort of genius, he's playing fucking quantum 3D chess while everyone is stuck figuring out the checkers board, but all I see is that he's classically intelligent with a side of eidetic memory. Congratulations, he can memorize a book in .5 seconds. Is he going to use all that big brain energy to cooperate with anyone, save lives, or oppose Rhodolite's internal issues with their own corrupt nobility?

I recognize that I'm not being wholly objective but I have played through so many routes in this game and in every single one of them Chevalier has always been a brick wall. If a problem can't be potentially solved with a sword or a threat, he's out. Violence is the only solution he wants to get involved with and if no one's getting stabbed then why the fuck did you call him here. Diplomacy? Fuck you.

I know he's not supposed to be the "good guy", arguably none of them are considering they're all "beasts", but it's just annoying to have the characters treat him like this infallible golden goose of good ideas, meanwhile his grand ambition is stupid and is exactly what Obsidian wants in a different palette.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

the wolf should’ve been afraid of me.

Titans 3.04

just under the wire! ... i hope.

like with the previous review, i’m typing this up as i see the episode. here we go!

spoilers ahead.

1. ... well. that was an interesting cold open.

1.25. i don’t know whether to admire this show’s restraint when it comes to gotham and its excesses, particularly arkham asylum. it’d be easy to go hammer and tongs, like suicide squad (2016) did, or any number of bat media did, at a tropey, colourful~~insanity~~ that can be quite damaging, casting mental illness in strangeness and criminality. it definitely shows gotham as... separate from the rest of the country, its own ecosystem of heroes and villains, a sort of rogue state. 

but that ecosystem is still human, with its heroes needing to clip parts of themselves away just to survive, growing old and needing to be recycled, its villains languishing in the same kinds of systems that fail everybody else who needs to be helped. it’s a quieter, tenser sort of wrongness: not strange enough that you can dissociate, but not close enough that you can completely empathise. gotham is its own creature.

1.5. i know that the reasoning behind this is more doylist than anything, but i’m so glad that joker was killed off with little fanfare right at the start of the season. he is the one man in the batverse that’s transcended its confines as this sort of ethereal boogeyman/eternal edgelord and to justify his presence in the series would mean giving him this tired, overblown importance and too much of a stab at colourful, tropey “madness” in this otherwise-subdued series. i wish all batmedia would follow suit and get rid of this fucker.

1.75. so jason is bucking scarecrow’s control! or reminding him of who exactly holds all the cards right now. circling back to what i talked about in the last review, it’s remarkable just how little time it’s been since jason’s “death” and he’s already got ‘minions’ and elaborately set up plans to track, break and kill the titans. just how long has he been planning this? when did he first look at WE weapons prototypes and think that’s something i can use to blow somebody up? and the most unsettling question: did he plan his own death at the hands of the joker just so that he could break batman?

at this point it’s obvious that the scarecrow at least started jason down this path, but it’s frightening just how far he’s travelled already.

1.8. aaagh, less than one minute in! i’ll shut up. 

2. conner washing his hands at the sink reminds me that he was directly in the line of explosion when hank got blown up and he’s probably got atomised hank-bits all over his skin that he’s desperately trying to wash off.

... you’re welcome.

2.25. conner, don’t you speak to gar fucking logan like that, sir, no!

2.3. if anything it’s the lex part of him that gave him the knowhow to recognise the weapon and build a de-activator for it. 

anyway, for that ‘half-breed’ and ‘talking tiger’ comment?

(i wish, tho, that we actually see conner more interested in the superman part of his legacy, like maybe listening to stories from gar, or even better, dick, so we get a better idea of the pressure he’s feeling to live up to that part of him and not the part that’s lex.)

((i talked about conner’s stages of moral development in his introductory episode last season, but i wonder if the next stage of his self-actualisation would be to further integrate the parts of himself and realise that they are only parts and he, conner, is an entirely different person unto himself that can make decisions on how to use what he has and what he knows. his superman abilities can be used to destroy. his lex knowledge can be used to save.))

3. oh dawn :((

3.25. is this the last we see of dawn and hank? i mean, we know donna is coming back; would it be a stretch to think they’ll try to have a go at resurrecting hank as well?

3.5. “deathstroke didn’t make us into killers.” good, because deathstroke didn’t make jason a killer either. there’s a missing step there you need to be looking for, dick. 

3.75. dick did try to break the cycle, step away from gotham, run from the possibility that he could turn into batman. it didn’t help; he couldn’t fully withdraw from his vigilante persona the same time he loathed it, and batman literally haunted him both asleep and awake. but maybe gotham doesn’t have to turn anybody into anything. maybe gotham has nothing to do with it at all. it’s about taking responsibility, realising some sacrifices are pure bullshit, and building an actual family instead of merely a team.

anyway: hugs!

(oh, also? mr “i hate flying”? i mean, there’s perfectly valid reasons to hate flying that’s not related to childhood trauma, but then again, this guy was literally a ‘flying grayson’ once. also also, remember that he also gets sea-sick. must’ve a lot of fun stories to tell.)

4. ooh that gar/kory confrontation was brief but cool!

listen, i have never seen a psychiatrist with that extravagant an office and SIR I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW--

4.5. kory’s so unused to reaching out for help and it’s breaking my heart that HPG likely is some kind of impostor that’s maybe causing her symptoms in the first place. 

kory and dick have mostly been apart this season but it’s remarkable how their journeys have paralleled each other; kory processes her grief, isolation and existential dread into a determination to take care of this new family she has, no matter what it takes; dick does much the same, forging ahead with plans and solutions until he has no fuel left in him and spirals into a massive breakdown.

4.25. listen titans this really is a TERRIBLE continuity error. we aren’t goldfish; we can clearly remember that two minutes ago it was gar’s upper arm that was burned, not his forearm. COME ON.

“sensory deprivation tank” *SNORT*

anyway, gar is the BEST

4.5. i wonder where these visions of experimentation took place. was it on tamaran, or on earth, after she came to hunt down rachel/trigon and before she lost all her memories? is HPG a part of the scientist group that experimented on her? ... god, i hope not. i mean, i think he is, but it would be cool to have some positive therapist representation in media. 

5. you’d think the van transporting a dangerous supervillain that only batman could catch would be more secure but... i’m also not entirely surprised. 

5.15. i love dick gives ZERO shits about hiding himself or even ensuring scarecrow is adequately contained. just turns away after kidnapping him in BROAD DAYLIGHT and says ‘let’s go’. I LOVE THIS DUMBASS

6. lmao gar is having a really really shitty day SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN A BREAK or just a goddamn story arc of his own

6.5. i’m really confused about the timeline here. so... sometime ago, kory came down to earth to hunt down trigon, yeah? at some further point down the line she and her sister were kidnapped and experimented on. THEN she somehow escapes but... loses her memory? a few months pass and then we see blackfire alive and well and free; she kills faddei, can impersonate other people, and is clearly seeking out kory. but now she’s still in the experiment facility...? what’s going on?

i’m not entirely surprised about the facility being mostly deserted. either the biggest investors in this project gave up on it and it was left to the most fanatic to carry on, or they were deliberately trying to lure kory and get her to free blackfire--expand the environs of the experiment, so to speak.

7. hopefully barbara is going to get something to do other than listen to various men give her Attitude

8. how do you terrorise a terrorist? well:

i love when dick is a scary-competent motherfucker.

8.25. ooooh, the attack on crane at arkham a ploy to get crane to blackgate? nice one dick, i didn’t even think of that. but why though? to protect crane from the titans? to intercept the van to blackgate and “rescue” him? seems likely--red hood was there, except dick got to crane quicker.

9. still reeeallly unclear about the komand’r situation. was komand’r captured after s2? is this all A TRAP?? if so, why are you stepping into the only thing that can contain you, kory????

9.25. so... definite parallels between dick/jason and kory/kom here. i’m just. i’m still. really confused. i’ll shut up now.

10. this may be my favourite dick look yet:

woodsman!dick in a beanie.

10.5. i unironically love how titans has made this bizarrely-devoted-to-his-moniker, toxin-spewing supervillain into a tamer version of hannibal, psychoanalysing his victims into submission. it’s of a piece with how inward looking titans is, the way all of its villains are obsessed with how our protagonists’ minds work, to the point where they would actually spend time inside of them. 

there are no big plots to end the world. no apocalypses or endgames here. these villains collect the titans’ insecurities like infinity stones. the way the titans defeat them is by achieving character growth--literally winning by the power of love. literally “the real superpower is the friends we made along the way”!

10.7. anyway, i’m betting dick is used to this bullshit from crane and is humouring him in the service of getting more information. the story about the wolf? an implicit threat, not to mention dick getting to control what crane knows about him and what methods he would use to manipulate him.

am i giving dick too much credit here? i don’t think so. he’s really impressed me so far this season.

10.75. like. there’s a real unreliable narrator vibe coming off with every person that talks about bruce (much like how the various members of the titans talked about jason’s motivations) and to buy into crane’s talk about bruce being a psychopath is to fall for the same manipulation that jason fell for. dick is the only person who hasn’t really psychoanalysed bruce this season, and i think some part of his detective brain is piecing things together into a bigger picture.

11. i’m glad kory rescued kom but did she have to kill the scientist?

(i mean, yeah, probably - the less people know that kom escaped the less likely they’re going to have the fucking govt on their doorstep, but still.)

11.5. dick’s gonna come back to wayne manor, stare straight at komand’r and go, well which room would you like? because the team might as well adopt ANOTHER person, yeah?

12. oh MAN that red hood/nightwing fight was AMAZING! and he did the thing! the boomerang escrima thing! i’m so delighted!

12.5. the anger and disbelief in dick’s voice when he says you told crane EVERYTHING?! tells me that he knew exactly what he was telling crane himself.

12.75. “everything you are is because of him” - oh that reminds me of halluci!bruce from last season. i hope we see halluci!bruce again--he is so vicious but so entertaining... so much more effective at tearing dick down than crane or jason combined. goes to show that dick’s biggest enemy is own fucking head.

12.8. oh no! dick’s shot! crane is in the wind with red hood! blackfire is now with the titans! i love it!

honestly this season’s pacing is such a big step up from the last couple. gold star, show.

[celiaelise]

I feel like I have the stupidest combination of dietary hurdles in the world.

(**disclaimer: I am not calling these issues "stupid" as a way of being negative towards my body, myself, or anyone who might experience something similar. I am quite fond and appreciative of my body. I am only saying it because I think it is genuinely silly and ridiculous that my body so rejects such a fundamental part of its operation as taking in nutrients.)

Like:

picky eater (autism edition): not bad enough that people will realize unless I tell them, I can manage at most restaurants by finding the mildest thing on the menu. No fish, nothing spicy (cutoff starts at pepperoni, no I'm not kidding), very few sauces are acceptable, no toppings on anything. But I'm also just generally adverse to any food unfamiliar to me. I will get scared or freaked out. I have probably said the words, "plain and dry" at least a thousand times. I eat a lot of meat but I'm very particular about the texture.

ADHD: so I've already got that forget to eat/don't notice I'm hungry thing going, and then I'm also medicated, which actively suppresses my appetite, and, at the worst times, makes most food seem repulsive. (luckily that last part has been pretty rare since my main source of food stopped being a college dining hall)

Depressive symptoms/executive dysfunction: literally I just don't wanna do shit. I need food that requires the least possible effort. Sometimes I don't eat because I don't have a clean bowl to microwave canned food in. Also sometimes I just don't get around to buying food! I'll plan to grab food from a drive-through omw to work, but then end up running too late to make a stop. Cooking??? Love the concept, but it's absolutely out of the fucking question. Cannot even imagine a life where that is a frequent option for me.

okay here's where it gets even more stupid.

Lactose intolerance: again, not bad enough to where it's something I need to be vigilant about all the time. I can eat fast food pizza no problem, (I'm not convinced it has much real dairy in it anyway) I can eat regular ice cream with only mild gassiness. (and I do!) What I can't eat, is milk, milkshakes, protein shakes. You know, all those classic mental illness substinance hacks? Nope. Instant hurting tummy.

Oral allergy syndrome: a lot of people don't know about this, even those who might experience it. You know all those annoying seasonal allergies to, like, every living thing that grows outside? (I'm told that the area I live in is one of the worst for allergens in the country, and possibly the world. I haven't researched it myself though, and I've never lived elsewhere.) I have those pretty bad, and I'm already on medication for them. But it turns out that the proteins from those plants that trigger my allergies look pretty similar to the proteins in many forms of raw produce. And my body does not like that. I'm probably not going to start sneezing from standing near carrots, but I will feel an uncomfortable itch inside my throat and, what feels like, my inner ear if I eat more than a little of most kinds of raw fruits, vegetables, sometimes even nuts. It would be very hard for me to die this way, but it's also very hard for me to comfortably make my way through a salad. And what's that other go-to, "oh shit I didn't/don't have time to eat but my body still needs nutrients ahh" solution? That's right, smoothies!! Smoothies made out of raw fruits and veggies. 😑

So, yeah. That's why my diet's fucked up! I kind of just wanted to write all this out as validation to myself, but I'd definitely be interested if anyone else can relate, has suggestions, would like to express their condolences, etc.

Mostly I survive off of bread products, meat, and lots of different kinds of sweets. Oh, and fries. I specifically drink a lot of icees/slurpees/what have you. Cola flavor ONLY! It's like the only caffeine I ingest, and I don't even do it for the caffeine! If anything it makes me more sleepy. (I am already always sleepy, that a whole nother "stupid health problems" post.) I'm hoping to develop an easy and affordable way to reproduce the coke icee experience at home, probably with a blender, preferably without the caffeine. I don't think it could be that hard, but I haven't had much energy to put towards that project.

Similarly, I've started to look into things like lactose-free protein powder or protein bars, but I don't have a lot of energy for that research, and, as aforementioned, eating new and weird things scares me. Plus, specialty stuff like that tends not to be cheap! I think drinking new things is actually harder for me than eating them, tbh. I find powdered drink mixes generally unpleasant. The only things I can drink easily are water, and a few select sweet drinks, if they are very, very cold.

I actually have a consistent and specific craving for things that are sweet and very cold! I don't really know why. I know some people crave eating ice because of iron deficiency, and I'll not deny I've enjoyed a good ice crunch in my time, but it's really just that it has to be cold. And sweet. I used to keep popsicles on hand all the time, but I haven't gotten around to replenishing that supply in a few months.

I've also had this grand plan for several years of preparing a large batch of custom "trail mix" consisting of things like roasted pecans, dried fruits/berries, (idk what they do to process them, but they haven't triggered a reaction for me) and, of course, dark chocolate chunks. (I love chocolate sooo much, she is my mother, she is my best friend, she is everything to me.) But alas, little progress on that front as well.

I've actually even briefly considered trying to see a dietician, but the thing is that I absolutely do not trust them at all!! Like I'm sure there's a good one out there somewhere, but I am not going to waste my time finding them. These losers will be like, "ummm, so your BMI--" bitch, I'm stocky!!! I am short and squat and there is nowhere for fat or muscle, of which I have a considerable amount, to go!! BMI is quite literally fake bullshit science, please get off my back. Also I am just assuming they will not be respectful about the way my mental health impacts my eating habits. Most people just don't even wanna hear about that.

And of course there's just the thing where I am a young person, living on my own, in this specific place and time. Money is not abundant, support and community has to be fought for every step of the way, and sometimes it really feels like the world wasn't meant for those of us who aren't in a romantic relationship. (At least if you're not rich.) Like, you almost need at least two incomes and sets of hands per household in this economy.