#so to the 4 people that see this post enjoy xoxo

[racewinnerlandonorris]

Lando Norris being interviewed after qualifying 4th for the Brazilian Grand Prix 

[gurugirl]

A Balancing Act | Ch. 4*

Series Summary: Harry is a famous, rich, handsome, pop star and he’s been in therapy since his boy band days. When he meets Y/n, a beautiful and successful artist, he cannot take no for an answer when it comes to her. He’s determined to make her his even if he has to bend the rules a little at first.

Chapter Summary: Harry brings Y/n with him on his European tour but when Y/n decides she needs a break to figure things out Harry is beside himself. He's sure she's going to break up with him but she's sure he doesn't want the same things she does. When they finally talk will they both be on the same page?

Warning: 18+ only, NSFW, smut, dom/sub dynamic, angst, DDlg kink,

Word Count: 12.5k

Commissioned by @cinnamonone (thank you!! xoxo)

A Balancing Act Masterlist

A balancing act requires soft poise and harmonious alignment. The joining of differing needs and wants to acquiesce for a perfect, or nearly perfect outcome. One can’t have more than the other. All sides must be used to make a point. The leveling of opinion and decision coupled with the desire to satisfy the ideal effect.

“Put that down. It doesn’t do any good.”

Y/n looked up at Harry who’d placed his palm over her phone to cover her screen. She was trying not to obsess about the pictures of herself. There were so many. And now that she’d been seeing Harry for a few months and was on tour with him in Europe, the gossip abounded. It was wild how quickly everyone learned her name, her age, the fact that she had been married, where her art pieces were showing, and even what kind of car she drove. It was… a lot.

“I know but they’ve caught me in the worst outfit and angle and these comments-“

“Please don’t do that,” Harry spoke as he sat down next to her and slid the phone from her hands, “You’re a knockout. I’ve never once looked at you and thought otherwise. None of that matters. Okay? It’s us. You and me.”

She nodded as he pulled her into his side and kissed the top of her head, “I know. But still. I’m just not used to any attention. Not like this.”

“The best thing you can do is to ignore it and don’t look at the articles.”

But of course, that was easier said than done. Going to Europe with him had been a whirlwind. So many fans and friends and his family, day trips, flights, drivers, shopping, studio sessions, meetings, rushing, concerts, flowers, kissing, late-night talking, falling deeper for the man, and sex. There was a lot of sex.

It was stressful. It was fun, though, too. And she enjoyed spending time with Harry in his world but there was very little time for herself in her own world. She didn’t put paint, or ink on canvas the entire time she was with Harry in Europe. She never found the time, even though she had downtime, her inspiration waned. When Harry was in the studio writing, jamming, and making music she didn’t normally go. In fact, after going with him only twice she realized how awkward it was for her to be there. He was working with his band and his team. She was of no use there with him. She felt like she was just in the way. And she didn’t want to be the kind of girlfriend that followed him around like a puppy everywhere.

So she stayed in the hotel or in the villa or wherever they were staying depending on the leg of the trip. She’d venture out to go to cafes by herself, do some shopping, or just to walk around but it became a game of dodging people on the street who started to recognize her. Pictures and videos were taken without her consent. Later she’d see some of the photos in gossip articles and comments saying how she called the paps on herself because why on earth would anyone want a photo of her?

The hate came quickly. The vitriol for a woman that no one knew. Her social media accounts were stalked, screenshots taken and posted on other social media accounts about her and her art and what kind of person she might be based on old posts she’d long forgotten.

One old post on Instagram was of her out on her bachelorette party before she was married. It was a series of six photos. She was wearing something a little bit skimpy, but nothing too crazy. Most of the pictures showed her with a drink in hand, one of her dancing with some man she didn’t know, and the last one was of her the next morning with mangled hair and smeared makeup, a mimosa raised upward, and the words printed over the photo ‘hair of the dog’.

That one got a lot of attention. She was an alcoholic party girl, too fat to be wearing something so revealing, ugly, a slut (for dancing with a man), and the worst insult was “no wonder her ex divorced her”.

Yes, Harry’s fans learned that she had been married. Some knew that her husband had died (she wasn’t sure how they knew). But most assumed she was divorced because she didn’t post publicly about the tragic loss she endured. It was no one’s business, but for people who didn’t know her to make wild assumptions about what had occurred in her marriage was the most hurtful.

But on the other side of that were the fans that simply refused to believe he could be dating Y/n. Many were convinced Harry was either already in a relationship with an ex-band member from his boyband days or it was all for public relations. That her “team” and his “team” were in on something together for publicity. Because that would be the only explanation. Harry would never stoop so low as to date someone like Y/n. Someone who looked like Y/n. Couldn’t be. The Harry “they knew” would never.

Then of course there were those that thought she was simply using Harry’s fame to boost her own popularity in the art world. She was a leech, a sneak, conniving… It all hurt. She wasn’t sure she could stomach much more. And yes, it was true that interest in her art was boosted. Which she really didn’t like because it was more to the fact that “this is a piece of art painted by Harry Style’s girlfriend” rather than a painting that was pleasing to the eye and worth the price tag.

And Harry’s late nights at the studio and after a concert were tiresome. She had been catapulted into this strange reality with a famous man that she felt herself falling for. But how did she fit in with it all? She couldn’t see herself finding her place with him. It all felt very temporary. And the fact that she’d lost the inspiration to create herself was troublesome. The plan was that she could still paint and travel with him and they’d get to be together. She didn’t have to stay home to paint. It was supposed to be easy. But it wasn’t.

But as awful as all that was, she and Harry got closer. He’d arrive late to their bed, crawling over her and wrapping her up in his arms. Normally she’d wake up and nuzzle into him and sigh as they both fell asleep. Sometimes Harry wasn’t ready to go to sleep and he was very persuasive. If he wanted her, well, he had her. She looked forward to, with impatience, having sex with Harry.

Harry had changed her entire view on sex. It was nothing like she’d ever experienced before. Prior to Harry, sex was just sex. It was usually good. Sometimes she’d orgasm. But with Harry, it wasn’t just sex. It was the joining of two separate beings in an act that was vulnerable, exciting, novel, and made Y/n’s heart thrash about in her chest from nerves and thrill. She hadn’t realized how addicted she’d become to what he did. How he handled her body and her mind.

Usually, though, she and Harry had sex during the day. With the sun in the sky, curtains open, and people milling about. She had always been used to nighttime, lights out, on her marital bed sex. Harry liked to have sex anywhere. And he liked to see it all. All of her bits. He’d kiss and praise and then spank her if she tried to hide herself. They had fun together. Sex hadn’t ever been so fun. And she slowly started to see her body in a different light.

After his last show in Paris, she went to his dressing room, like she always did after a show, and he scooped her into his arms and kissed her broadly on the lips in front of everyone. He was hard.

A small gasp fell from her lips as she craned her neck back to look up at him in surprise. He only winked down at her, swiftly turned her around, and placed his hands on her shoulders. He was literally using her body to block his erection from view of his bandmates and the event staff.

When Mitch and Sarah finally made their way to their shared dressing room Harry told his assistant he didn’t need help and dragged her to his big couch after locking the door.

“Need you to take your panties off right now,” Harry spoke as he unbuttoned his pants and kept his eyes on her.

Y/n was wearing a cute maxi dress that was comfy and easy to dance in. She learned that she needed to wear clothes that were comfortable at Harry’s concerts because there was lots of dancing. But she also wanted to look cute because there was never a shortage of photos of her, no matter how much she hated that part. And if she wasn’t dancing she was a fake, a bad girlfriend, a fat blob. Oh, but of course, even if she did dance then that meant she was trying too hard, making herself look ridiculous, and then there was the odd comment about how she was too large to be attempting to dance at all.

She pushed those thoughts down as she lifted the bottom of her dress upward and slid her panties down her legs as Harry pulled a small belt with a ball at the center out of his bag. His pants were undone but his underwear was bulging at the crotch, his cock pressing outward with strain. He stood over her where she was sat on the couch and took her panties from her hands and then motioned for her to turn around, “Face the wall, get on your knees.”

“Harry what are you-“ her words turned into a yelp as he smacked her bottom.

“Do you fucking never learn?” He leaned in and spoke quietly, his voice deep and dark, “You’ll be getting paddled tonight for that mistake. Address me properly.”

Cursing under her breath she squeezed her eyes closed. She didn’t know what it was that didn’t allow her to so easily fall into just calling him Daddy like he wanted. She needed lots of reminders and her bruised bottom was proof of all of her forgetful little moments.

Part of her secretly loved it. Enjoyed the thrill of needing to be corrected and not simply giving in to him all the time.

“Sorry. Daddy. What are you doing?” Her tone clearly sardonic. 

Harry raised his brows and shook his head, ignoring her mouthiness, “I’m going to fuck you against the couch and gag you so no one hears you. Now, turn around pretty girl.”

She pulled herself to her knees and turned so her palms were clutching the leather at the top of the couch and immediately felt Harry’s hands pulling her dress up so her bum was fully exposed and issued another sharp swat to her left side. She jolted in shock before turning to watch Harry behind her.

Harry brought his hands up, her panties in hand, and swiftly pulled the material over her eyes, tying the sides to the back of her head to keep it in place.

“Uh, those are expensive! You’ll stretch them!” She countered as the material hung over her sight.

Harry chuckled darkly and she felt his lips at her ear, “Who bought them for you, baby? I’ll buy you more. Don’t worry about it. Now, keep that mouth open.”

She opened her mouth quickly and felt the silicon ball take its place in her mouth, as he adjusted the buckle to the back of her head. She was unable to see or speak as she was pushed forward, her chest being pressed into the couch. Her bottom was still uncovered and she felt the cool air of the dressing room on her skin as Harry gently caressed her flesh down to where her legs were bent at her knees and over the backs of her calves and ankles before spreading her legs further apart.

“Keep your hands on the wall behind the couch, like this,” Harry moved his palms over her arms until he reached her wrists and pulled her arms out so she kept her hands flat on the wall, causing her back to arch the slightest.

“Good girl. So hot. Unbelievable baby. Daddy’s gonna have a taste now.”

She couldn’t see much or speak at all but she could certainly hear and feel. And the moment Harry’s tongue licked up through her crease her mind shifted into another gear. Harry had eaten her out in this position before. Behind her, his nose at her bum. At first, it gave her a lot of hesitancy, worried she smelled or tasted odd. But he always insisted she was delicious and he could eat her for dinner every night for the rest of his life. His reassurances had her at ease, but it still always gave her pause.

Harry moaned into her pussy as he licked and kissed. His hands were on her ass, spreading her apart as he softly licked, licked, licked… wet and hot from clit to ass, from clit to ass, clit to ass… He spat over her and stuffed two fingers into her cunt and she squealed into the gag, the sound hardly heard in the room. Harry chuffed a laugh at her muffled noises.

Soon she was soppy and achy. Harry noticed how she was pushing herself back into him. That’s where he liked to get her. To the point she was seeking her own pleasure. Where she was so worked up she wanted more.

Harry sat back and stood from the couch and pulled his cock out from his underwear. He pressed his hips into her bottom and brushed his hands over her waist, pushing her dress higher, “Daddy needs his cock milked now. So fucking horny for you, sweet girl.”

She grunted in relief when he pushed into her. It was always a welcome moment. To have his dick inside of her, parting her insides and nudging into her cervix. He was curved in such a way that his wide cock pushed into her front wall on each stroke anytime she was in this position while he was fucking into her.

She kept her hands on the wall as he pounded into her and she steadied herself the best she could but Harry was strong and he always went in with such force that it caused her a good jolt forward on each snap of his hips. Delicious.

When his long fingers wrapped around the front of her neck he squeezed the sides and slowed his plunges, “Wish everyone could hear us. Could hear how filthy your pussy gets when I fuck it. How creamy you are. Wish they could hear how it sounds to have my cock slipping deep into your wet hole.”

Y/n felt her cheeks burn and her head get foggy under the pressure of his fingers on her throat. His thrusts increased again and the couch rocked under them into the paper-thin wall Y/n used to keep herself held up.

A knock at the door and a muffled voice from behind had Harry slowing down but never stopping, “M’busy! Be out in a bit!”

She couldn’t hear whatever was said from behind the door because her ears were ringing. Harry’s cock inside of her gave her tunnel vision. She almost didn’t care if anyone heard at that point. Her body felt so good, her pussy being worked open and split down the middle, her guts rearranged, her ass smacked, throat choked.

“Fans want me out there, but I needed you first didn’t I baby?” Harry’s thrusts were sloppy and harsh as he panted his words, “Daddy wants to fuck his come into you so you’ll be out there with everyone while my sperm drips out of your pussy and down your legs. My dirty little come hole. But that’s what Daddy’s little girl likes, isn’t it? Fuck…” Harry looked down at where he was being gripped by Y/n. Her tight little pussy working its magic on him.

Y/n’s telltale signs were beginning to show. Her thighs were shaking and her back was arching and she was grinding herself onto him each time he’d pull back. She was going to come.

Harry choked out a loud groan into the room, “Fuck! I’m gonna come!”

He reached down to rub her clit just as he began to pour into her pussy. He clenched his teeth and moaned into her ear. With the angle he needed to reach her clit his chest was pressed into her back, his stiff and sharp movements were forceful into her and she felt her own orgasm follow moments later. Thanks to his long fingers that knew just what to do and where to press to get her off.

Drool slid down her chin and to her clavicle as she came. The noise of the couch still creaking under her knees as Harry continued pushing into her increased in sound.

Harry hissed and moaned and kissed the back of her neck as he kept himself stuffed inside of her as she spasmed around him, squeezing his cock of all he had and letting it drain into her. A beautiful symphony of sex in the dressing room.

Harry laughed as he removed the gag and the panties from her face. She had small marks that dug into her skin from the fabric of the panties and the leather of the belt.

“God you’re gorgeous. Gonna go out there with me to meet the fans with my come slipping out of your cunt all night? Hmm?” Harry teased as she straightened her dress out and caught her breath.

And of course, that’s exactly what happened. She walked around and met some fans. Most didn’t know who she was. Some knew her as the girl that had been spending time with Harry. Others joked that she was following him around and that he didn’t want her there.

One pretty young thing, probably still in college, went from having her picture taken with Harry to making a snide remark to Y/n, “I love how you don’t care how you look when you dance.”

To which Y/n replied, “I’m just having fun out there like everyone else,” as she shook her hand (which she hadn’t yet washed after being fucked into oblivion) and felt Harry’s orgasm dripping down her thigh.

There was something so poetic about that moment. The secret that she and Harry shared. The reason why he was 20 minutes late to greeting his fans backstage. And Y/n was the bearer of said secret. Literally, since his come was still inside of her.

And that was just one of many times Harry fucked her in his dressing room. It became a regular thing. He’d gag her to keep her quiet but anyone who stood close enough to the door could hear him moaning and the sounds of skin smacking together and couches rocking. But no one ever said anything. It was Harry’s show after all.

There was one time when they went to an event. The lovely space was packed with people and the table they sat at was mostly Harry’s crew. Jeff and Tom were there and some others. All were people Y/n had gotten to know on some level.

And as per usual, Harry was horny. Y/n had gotten used to his extremely high libido and surprised herself even when she matched him in it. She hadn’t realized she was this way until Harry came along.

She was wearing a custom dress. Nothing like she’d ever had the chance to wear before. She’d worn lovely dresses and her wedding dress, she thought, would have been the nicest article of clothing she’d ever wear. But this dress… this dress was absolutely superior to anything she’d ever laid on her body. She loved it. It fit her so well and flattered her curves and made her feel pretty.

“Want to bend you over this table and spank you so hard right now. Tear this dress off you and make you ride my cock right here at the table,” Harry spoke into her ear as their plates of food were being placed in front of them.

Y/n just smiled and nodded as she listened to him tell her what he wanted to do. That was something she also had started to get used to. He’d do things like this in public and it startled her at first, but after some time she started to enjoy it.

When everyone began eating Harry lowered his hand to her thigh and pulled her dress up. No one could see what he was doing from under the table but Y/n felt it. The material of the dress was slowly lifted until he’d pushed the fabric up enough that he could smooth his palm up between her plush thighs and tickle her pussy with the tips of his fingers.

Y/n let out a gasped laugh and leaned forward before turning to look at Harry in surprise. He only smirked back at her and lifted his brows, “You okay, my dear?”

And Harry usually got his way. If he wanted something he could pretty much always get it. Just like how he wanted her to spread her legs wider so he could have access, she gave it to him. Just like how he wanted to slide two fingers into her cunt, she let him.

To everyone at the table, Harry was holding her thigh. Nothing more. He continued to chat and make jokes as he softly fucked his fingers into Y/n’s pussy.

And the thing about this was that he couldn’t apply much pressure, if any, to her clit, so he fingered her for nearly the entire duration of their dinner. His hand was wet between her legs as he continued slow, meaningful thrusts of his fingers into her.

She was on edge. So absolutely wrecked and worked up that Sarah interrupted the conversation at the table, “Y/n. Are you okay?”

Her chest was rising and falling fast. Harry paused his movements and looked over at his lover and realized, she was indeed a mess. Had barely touched her food when everyone else had just about finished and was panting and sweating. He smiled.

“Oh! Yeah. I… probably should,” she paused to hold back her gasp as Harry pushed his thumb over her clit, “go to the bathroom. Real quick! I’ll be right back!”

Harry was forced to remove his hand from between her thighs and she pushed her skirt down and quickly walked to the hallway where she knew the restrooms were.

Harry excused himself from the table with the excuse to check on her.

Y/n was already rubbing at her clit to make herself come in the stall when Harry barged into the bathroom, “Y/n. Come out, baby. Let me take care of you.”

Her eyes widened and she was quick to walk out of the stall. She needed him badly, “Please, your cock, Daddy,” she said as she lifted her dress and Harry pushed her to lean over the sink and pulled his cock out on her request. He was already hard. Fingering her and feeling her clench around him as she grew wetter and wetter each minute had done him in.

Her panties were ruined. He pushed the drenched material to the side and plunged into her softly as they both moaned, “Rub that pretty little clit for Daddy, baby. Get yourself off.”

It was probably the quickest fuck they’d ever had. Four minutes tops. Y/n was already on fire as her orgasm burst from her core and Harry held her cheeks apart so he could watch his cock, covered in her arousal, slip in and out, in and out until she was coming and shaking and gasping.

White gobs of her come stuck at his base as he continued fucking into her deep and he finally came, filling her to the brim with his come. He pulled out to watch himself drip from her pussy and then pushed himself back in to keep his sperm inside of her where it belonged, “Holy fuck, baby. Your pussy is incredible. Just taking my come like it’s nourishment. Fucking Jesus Christ.”

It felt so good to have Harry inside of her after nearly a half hour of slow, sensual torture with his fingers.

And as they both enjoyed, Y/n dripped of him when they went back to the table to join their friends. No one knew but Harry and Y/n and that was half the fun.

So, yeah, sex with Harry was incredible. Exciting. He never let her feel like she was lacking. He loved using tools on her. Tying her up, clamping her tits and her skin, toys, spanking, spreader bars, cuffs… She’d gotten a taste of what he liked and she loved it all.

And she was pretty sure she loved Harry too. He was the sweetest man. Very attentive and gentle, thoughtful, funny, and honest. But of course, when they were in bed he was dominant and loved to put her in her place but that only added to how much she really liked him. The duality of his nature was exciting to her. And she began to feel more comfortable with her body around him. He never once made her feel bad about her size. He clearly loved every bit of her chub.

So after their whirlwind European trip she was back in Illinois at home and trying to paint while Harry was in LA in the studio working on music and other business endeavors he’d started. They talked every night. She thought the distance would be good for her to focus on her work again but it was like she was blank. Her thoughts were only filled with Harry and what he was doing and the articles with her pictures and comments…

One evening, though, she did have a spark of inspiration. She began sketching out her canvas and mixing colors and finally, after nearly a two-month dry spell, put her brush against the canvas and began to paint. It felt good. She was suddenly struck with the need to create. Hours of building a piece with color and space and lines felt like things had felt before she met Harry.

Her fingers were green and her overalls were splattered and soiled from linseed oil and various hues she’d used on her work when her phone rang. Looking up at the clock she realized it was already 9 pm. Which was the time Harry normally called her every night before he went to the studio (it was 7 pm in LA).

She wiped her hands down her clothes and cursed as she rushed to grab the phone before the call went to voicemail.

It was a Facetime call because of course it was.

“Hello?” She rang out and adjusted the screen so she could see Harry and he could see her. She tried smoothing out her hair and wiping the smudges from her face but there was little she could do to repair her current appearance.

“Hi, baby. I miss you! How are you today?” Harry spoke, his face very close to the phone, and then as he stilled himself and the screen became clear she realized he wasn’t at home. A club perhaps. Maybe someone’s house. Definitely not the studio.

“I’m good. Was just painting a bit. Finally got a spark of creativity tonight. How are you? What are you up to right now?”

Harry sighed and grinned widely, she could tell he seemed a tiny bit tipsy, “I’m at a party and I’ve been telling everyone about you. Wish you were here so you could meet everyone. We’re just chilling, had a couple drinks, then I’m going into the studio in about an hour. Gonna be an all-nighter.”

Y/n nodded and smiled. She wasn’t surprised by any of this. He normally got into the studio late and stayed until 3 or 4 am. He was most creative at that time he told her once.

“Sounds fun. Wish I was there too.”

Just then a young woman nudged into Harry’s shoulder and came in to view on the screen, “Y/n!! It’s you! I’ve heard so much about you!”

She was clearly also tipsy. And just as she was about to respond to the mystery woman she watched as the girl threw her arm over Harry’s shoulder and licked her pink tongue up his neck before kissing it. And it wasn’t just a peck of a kiss. It was quite sensual in fact. As if she were trying to give him a hickey.

Harry laughed and pushed at the girl, prying her arm from him and the girl waved her hand at the video just before moving elsewhere.

“Sorry, Jess is clingy tonight,” Harry smiled and licked his lips.

“Oh is she? Has she been trying to give you a hickey all night then?” Y/n couldn’t help the bit of jealousy that coursed through her. She figured at that point she could trust him. He was a big flirt and she knew this about him. He gave off the wrong impression to people all the time. She’d seen women trying to shoot their shot and he would eventually have them back off but many of them never assumed he was in a relationship. She’d even overhead some women (when she was backstage after concerts) bragging about how they kissed Harry or how they thought they had a shot because he'd been staring at them, which turned out to not be true of course. But it didn’t make the sting feel better.

“No. No, of course not, baby. I wouldn’t let her do that. Only you’re allowed to mark me up.”

“But she’s allowed to lick you and kiss you?”

Harry paused and suddenly the screen was blurry as he appeared to moving through the space to somewhere different.

“Wait, hold on, Y/n.” The screen went dark but she could hear shuffling and some voices until the video showed his handsome face again but now he was outside.

“Please, baby. That was not… she’s been flirting with me a little but it’s all in fun. She’s just a friend. I would never do anything to ruin what you and I have. You know that. God, I wish you were closer so I could tell you in person and see you after the studio. Wake up to you, make love to you…” he trailed off as he spoke but kept his eyes on the screen, his face set in defeat.

“I know how you are, Harry. So I get it. But doing that right in front of me? Kind of tacky. Was she trying to make me jealous? If so, I’d say she’s not a friend.”

Harry groaned and leaned his back to a bench and nodded, “I’ll stay away from Jess. She’s just been finding me all night. I mean, I’ve known her for years so… but you’re right. Sorry.”

Y/n nodded and flattened her lips together. She really hated this. Hated feeling jealous when she figured it wasn’t necessary, hated not being with him, hated how famous he was and how everyone wanted him…

After his call with Y/n, he was careful to dodge Jess. And he hadn’t really been paying much mind to her to be quite honest. Yes, she’d been kind of all over him but he was used to that. Except now he needed to think about his girlfriend and what she might think and how it could be perceived in public. Not that any of the photos from this particular party would come out to the public – it was exclusive and contracts were signed promising privacy and respect of others.

Jess was a friend of Tommy’s and she was often invited to the parties like this and so Harry had gotten to know her over the years. She was always flirty but the question that Y/n brought up was valid. Was Jess trying to make Y/n jealous? It was inappropriate for her to kiss his neck like that when he thought about it with a clear head. Even if he wasn’t on the phone with his girlfriend, that was too intimate of a gesture to be innocent. He couldn’t allow things like that anymore. Not if he wanted to keep Y/n happy. And he didn’t want those kinds of intimate touches from anyone else these days. He missed his girlfriend.

His studio session was productive. He got a lot of writing done and set some vocals down for recording too. But he was still thinking about Y/n. Thinking about how they got off the phone and he’d apologized and she said she was fine but he knew she might not really be. They were too far apart and the distance was a problem. Harry was used to some distance in relationships. It was part of the package that he came with. But he hated it with Y/n more than ever.

He was in love with her. Deeply and madly. In fact many of the songs he started to write after meeting her had something to do with her in one way or another. He couldn’t get her off his mind. He’d dated around and had a couple of serious relationships in the past, but no one left a mark on his heart like Y/n had.

.           .           .

“I’m feeling like I need her with me all the time. But when I offered to fly her out and have her stay here with me in LA she said she thought the distance would be good. I’m going crazy, Pat. I don’t know if she is starting to think about breaking up with me or what. I don’t want her to leave me. But she’s been so aloof lately.”

Pat shifted her leg to cross over her opposite and listened. The man wouldn’t stop talking about Y/n. Every one of their sessions had been dominated by discussions about his new relationship. Harry was sensitive deep down. He had his shit together and he was many times nonchalant about dating and matters of the heart in public, but Pat knew the truth. He was sweet and his heart was delicate.

“Just let her sus everything, Harry. You can’t push her and you know that. She’s probably going through some growing pains with you. You’re uber-famous and everyone loves you and to her, it probably feels like she’s just your girlfriend who gets a lot of mean things printed about her. It’s very likely overwhelming. Maybe she’s trying to get her head on straight and figure out what’s best for her.”

“But what if she learns that she’s better off without me?”

Pat chuckled, “What if she does? Would you still want to force her to be with you?”

Harry sighed deeply and frowned, “I guess I wouldn’t want to make her do anything she didn’t like. But that’s the thing. I know she and I have something special. When we’re together it’s like everything just makes sense. I don’t want her to let all the awful things people make up about her be how she makes her decision. Because what she and I have is incredible.”

“But you’re seeing this from your point of view. Not hers. Give her space if she needs it. Keep open communication but let her decide what she can handle.”

He didn’t like the idea that Y/n would decide he wasn’t worth it. He’d finally found the one he thought was his soulmate. The one he loved and wanted to be with for the rest of time, but now she was stepping back. Putting more space between them than he liked.

And when he offered to come to her she declined that suggestion as well. Stating it would be better to be apart for a bit. Which indicated to Harry she was done or at least considering that idea. But he couldn’t understand it! How could she be done with him? He was so far from done with her. He’d never want to be “done” with her. He wanted to marry her, have babies with her, take her with him everywhere, curl into her body, and let his skin sink into hers for all eternity.

He partly blamed the night he talked to her when Jess made her unfortunate appearance and partly the fans. Harry loved his fans. He enjoyed interacting with them most of the time. He loved the attention and the enthusiasm they gave him. He loved creating for them. But they were the ultimate cock block if there ever was one. Every relationship he’d tried to maintain while being famous had, in the end, been affected deeply by his fans. Social media was brutal as it was, but when fans got ahold of the articles and posted pictures and got “involved” it only led to awful things. Many times social media stirred the pot but the fans kept the lies and the assumptions (conspiracy theories even) flying and going on for longer than it was necessary. But it’s not like he could just drop his fans. They were what his empire was built on. He wouldn’t be doing what he was doing without them. It was all a balancing act.

“I think I’m gonna go see her. Just to talk face-to-face. I can’t go on not knowing what’s really happening and doing it over the phone is not giving me the whole picture.”

“Harry… I think it would be wise to keep her wishes in mind. You are a convincing and charismatic man and so for you to go to her in person could interrupt her rational critique. You could just be doing more harm to the relationship this way. It would be a hindrance more than anything. You might just be prolonging the inevitable and don’t you think it’s better to let things take their course naturally? You don’t always have to make all the moves and sway the outcome. This isn’t a business. This is love and relationship stuff. It doesn’t follow the same rules.”

.           .           .

Y/n had been feeling pretty good. Her mind was clear and her inspiration was at an all-time high. It had been a month since she’d seen Harry in person but they still spoke almost every night. She still loved him. She missed him, but the time apart felt necessary. Felt like she could grasp reality again.

But one thing was certain with the distance. It was that she couldn’t take not seeing him and touching him. She was thriving, but she was beginning to miss him more than she thought she would. Instead of getting easier, it got harder. Her nights would be spent thinking of him, what it would be like living with him, kissing him, marriage, babies… But she wasn’t sure if he was feeling like they were headed in that direction. Because if he didn’t feel like any of that was in their future then the relationship should be stopped. It couldn’t continue to jog along on the same path that it had been. They needed to progress and she needed to know he was committed to her and that he felt the same way. But as it was, their relationship was very good, it just wasn’t the kind of relationship that felt like it could move beyond what it was. She needed to tell him and be honest about what she wanted. Marriage, babies, 100% commitment… But what would happen once she told him all of this? Would he run for the hills? It could very well be the end of them.

.           .           .

She had insisted that he not come to the gallery where her work was displayed. It was in New York City and he begged to come. He told her he would take some time off before the next leg of his tour began. Told her that he had a beautiful spot he always stayed at and she could be with him and he’d take her out to his favorite restaurant in the city… but she said no. And Pat told him to listen to her.

Which was hard for him. Harry didn’t like being told no, and normally, no didn’t matter much (of course depending on the situation). Normally, he’d just go anyway and surprise her and dote on her, and in his mind, she’d be so happy and they’d have amazing sex and things would go back to how they were before she pushed for distance. But that’s not how it went.

Instead, she had a weekend in New York City without him. They spoke every night and she told him everything and he pleaded with her some more to let him come to her but she still said no.

On Sunday when they got off the phone Harry was beside himself. She had been too busy to really talk. She was getting on a flight to go back home so he understood why but that didn’t mean he was okay. He cried. He felt his heart drop and felt her slip away. She didn’t want to see him, she didn’t want his support, and she wouldn’t go to see him either… so what was left?

He’d been good and paying attention to, heeding Pat’s advice. He knew she was right. He knew he couldn’t force her hand in this. But God did it hurt. If only she’d let him visit her she’d see how good they were together. Nothing else mattered.

But he needed to know what she wanted. Because it didn’t feel like she wanted the same thing. They needed to talk, face-to-face, and he needed her to be direct. To rip off the band-aid once and for all. Then he could begin to heal and try to get over her.

When she called him the following day it was unexpected because it was much earlier than they usually had their calls and it was just a call, not a Facetime chat.

“Hi. How are you?”

Harry had had a lump in his throat for the last few days with his thoughts about her. About how she was going to end it. About how she didn’t really want to put in the effort to be with him. That he wasn’t worth it. That his fame and his fans were too much.

“I’m good. You’re calling a bit early. What’s going on?”

“I just had some really good news! A curator bought ten of my paintings and will be hosting an exhibit at David Kordansky and I’ve been invited to go as a guest of honor of sorts, amongst the other artists! It’s going to be all these big names. Oh my god, I’m so excited!”

Harry smiled widely, “Baby, I’m so proud of you. When is the exhibit?”

“It’s next weekend! And you know David Kordansky, right?”

“Uh… no. Sorry. Should I?”

Y/n giggled into the phone, “Oh… it’s just one of the biggest and most popular galleries in Los Angeles.”

Harry’s eyes went wide, “Here? You’re coming here?”

“Yes! God, I’m so excited! You’re the first person I’ve told and I just got the news right before calling you. So, I’m still processing it all. But yeah! And a bonus is that maybe you can come! If you want. If you can!”

“Absolutely. I’ll tell everyone I’m booked next weekend. Spending it with my girl.”

She sighed into the receiver with a big grin on her face, “I can’t wait to see you, Harry.”

.           .           .

Y/n was properly nervous. She had been trying to keep her distance from Harry but it had sort of backfired. She wanted to feel out the situation without his influencing nature and his hot body, and those pink lips pecking at her, his deep voice luring her to see it his way. The longer she was away the more she realized that she could barely breathe without him. She was so far gone for the guy that the distance only made her ache. Yes, she got a bit of her creative spark back, but she felt like that was more of an internal issue than it was to do with Harry.

But her nerves weren’t because she was going to see him after over a month. The nerves were because she needed to confront him with her real feelings and find out if he was on the same page. She had to know once and for all what he wanted. And if any of her ideas of where the relationship should head weren’t on Harry’s radar, well, it had to be over. They couldn’t continue like they were. It was perpetual limbo. Purgatory. She loved him and if she were younger with more time to spare she’d enjoy traveling with Harry and just having fun without expectation of where their final destination would land them. But as it was, she wanted to start having babies in the next few years. And if Harry didn’t then she’d need to start over and begin dating around. And that takes time. So she needed to get a move on. Find someone that wanted the same things she did. If that wasn’t Harry.

She had planned for the worst. All the scenarios in her mind led to them breaking up. She couldn’t imagine that Harry would be willing to settle down with her. He had the whole world at his fingertips. And she was just a girl from the Midwest. She really didn’t imagine that they had much more left to pick at. The pages stopped turning. The well had run dry. It was fun while it lasted.

Harry had his driver take him to the airport to pick her up. She told Harry she could just take a taxi but he didn’t want to miss a single moment with her. Wanted to see her the second she arrived in LA. And he was there. Waiting for her just as he said he would.

He scooped her into his arms and felt tears prick at his eyes, “Oh my god. Y/n… I missed you so much.”

She felt her heart swell and lurch with his arms around her and his lips on her forehead. Right in front of everyone in the airport. Photos were snapped and Harry didn’t care. He looked down at her and she noticed his eyes were glossy, “Harry…” she thumbed at his cheek, “Are you okay?”

Harry sniffed and the tip of his nose was red as he nodded, “I am now.”

She’d been to his house before they went away to Europe. They spent two days having sex and just staying in enjoying one another. Those two days were her favorite memories with Harry. Not that she hadn’t absolutely enjoyed everything else they’d done together and where they spent their time but there was something really special about being in his lovely home doing nothing with him and eating some of the best food she’d ever had (a combination of Harry’s cooking, delivery from some of the best restaurants in LA, and leftovers from a fancy catered party that Harry skipped but had requested two large bags full of yummies dropped off for them).

And the moment Harry had her in his house this time around, they were tearing clothes off and making love on his big bed. Harry didn’t bother with the clamps or ties or the belt this time. He just wanted her. Wanted to show her himself and how much he loved her. In fact, he planned on telling her he loved her soon. He needed her to know how he felt.

And the irony of it all was that Y/n was thinking the same thing. She wanted to tell him how she felt. He needed to know the truth and she needed to know where he stood. But they were both hesitating and it didn’t come out quite the way they intended.

“I think we should talk a little, Harry. I’ve had something on my mind for a bit. It’s… kind of important.”

They were both still naked lying on his bed when she blurted it out. Harry felt his stomach drop. He’d been constantly on edge that she was going to break up with him and he didn’t know if his heart could handle it.

So instead of talking he sat up quickly and got off the bed, “Yeah. Yeah. Let’s talk. Um, I need to take a shower first… and then uh… we can talk. Yeah.”

Harry cried in the shower. Preparing himself for the worst. Trying to get his emotions out and let his body soak in the warm water and calming scent of his shampoo. He was a mess. And he assumed it was over.

And to Y/n, him hopping out of bed like that and running off when she said they should talk, that move was his answer. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to hear her truth. He had no intention of being committed or serious with her. He only wanted sex and fun. And that was great, but she was closing in on 30 and it was time to settle down and find love. And it was clear to her now, that Harry didn’t want that. Or at least not in the way she did.

She paced in his bedroom for a bit after dressing herself but when he was still showering, twenty minutes later she went downstairs and paced in his living room. She saw a bouquet of flowers near the front door at the table with a card in it and she automatically plucked the card out to read. It hadn’t occurred to her that she would be reading anything that could upset her. But she was caught off guard by the message.

“Let’s get dinner tonight, H. I miss you endlessly. Love – O”

She flipped the card over and there was nothing on the back except the name of the florist. No date anywhere. She didn’t know when these were delivered or if he’d had dinner with his ex. Her heart sank and her stomach felt heavy.

She slowly made her way back up the stairs and realized the shower was off. Harry was done. She found him standing on his balcony looking out over his garden. He hadn’t even bothered to find her. To see what she wanted to talk about that she said was important. He clearly didn’t care.

He took a 35-minute shower and then went out to chill on his balcony.

She considered just leaving without a word. Just calling an Uber and leaving for good. Getting a hotel room and forgetting about it all.

But now she was pissed.

She opened the balcony door and Harry was startled when he heard her approaching.

She laughed as she shook her head, “Forget I was even here huh?”

Harry scrunched his brows and shook his head but before he could respond she continued, “That’s okay. I get it. You and I aren’t on the same page. You’re having fun and you’re free and getting invited out to dinner with your ex, and-“

“Wait! What? I don’t-“

Y/n put her hand up, “You heard me. It’s okay. We never made any sort of promises or real commitments. Never said we’d wind up married or together in the end. You’re at your best and you deserve fame and fun and freedom. I’m only holding you back.”

Harry put his hands on her shoulders and shook his head, “No. Y/n… this was what I was worried about that you were-”

“That I want a real relationship? I’m almost 30. I can’t be playing around and traveling the world when I don’t know what you even want. And you just made it clear how disinterested in my concerns you really are-“

“Y/n. Please. What are you-“

“Stop. All you do is tell me what I should think and what I should do. You’re too… you pressure me to see things your way and you never listen. So now you listen to me.” She swallowed to gain her composure and looked up at him squarely so he understood how serious she was, “I can see now clearly, you have no interest in making a family with me. In being with me. You’re just having some fun. And that’s okay. But our fun has come to an end. I can’t go on like this anymore. I need to find someone who wants what I want. Someone who isn’t stuck on their ex and someone who will tell the whole world about me and not pretend that I’m just someone you hang out with.”

Harry shifted on his feet. He hadn’t expected this. In all the scenarios he ran in his mind she was breaking up with him and she didn’t want to be with him and he wasn’t worth it. But she was saying she wanted commitment. He smiled and opened his mouth but Y/n scoffed.

“See? You’re not even taking this seriously! Here I am telling you I’m breaking up with you and you’re smiling! You couldn’t give a shit!”

Harry’s smile fell from his face, “No I was… You’re breaking up with me? Y/n please-“

She pushed him off of her and backed away, “Go and enjoy dinner with Olivia or whoever. I’m out of here.”

Harry ran after her, “No! You can’t leave me! Please that’s not what happened. I didn’t even see her. And if you’d just listen-“

Y/n stomped her foot and turned to face the tall man. She pointed her finger at this chest, “I’m done listening. We’re done. You broke my heart.”

Harry shook his head and followed behind Y/n the whole way to the front door, pleading with her to stop so they could talk but she continued to cut him off.

“Stop! You don’t get to push me into making a decision anymore. It’s over.”

She gathered up her bags and shakily pulled her phone out to bring up her Uber app to call for a car. She was thankful all of her bags were still near the front door.

She rushed out of the house and Harry felt like he was going mad. She wouldn’t let him talk and explain and tell her that he wanted what she wanted. Every time his mouth opened she yelled for him to stop. Screamed even. Had he been so insufferable that this was how she reacted to him?

So he watched with tears in his eyes and his heart in his hands as she loaded her things into the Uber and left him standing at his gate.

He didn’t know what he would do. What could he do? He needed to let her cool off and then he’d go to her and have a conversation. He’d make her see that they’d been on the same page all along.

He called Mitch to get advice.

Mitch asked him why he hadn’t called Pat instead but Harry insisted his best friend would give him the best and most brutal advice, while also supporting him and wishing him luck. Which is actually what happened.

“Go and surprise her at the gallery. Do something ridiculously dramatic and then declare your love for her to everyone in the room. Something like that. I don’t know man. I think you two will work it out. You’re so good together. I think she just needed some time, ya know.”

Harry sighed, “Pat’s going to hate that. But I’ve got to do it, though, right? Do something absolutely nuts to get her to listen to me.”

.           .           .

Y/n had the worst, absolutely the most horrible, awful evening. She bawled her eyes out and barely slept. Harry hadn’t even tried reaching out to her. Not that she really wanted that. She half expected it. But it only solidified everything to her. She imagined he probably slept like a baby.

The following day was the exhibit. She was not prepared. Not mentally anyway. Her tears had barely dried by the time she was entering the gallery. She put on a happy face and forced herself to talk and smile. But she only felt the dread of what had happened the day before.

The curator greeted her, bringing a glass of champagne for her to sip, “I’m amazed by your work. I think your collection fits in so nicely here. But you know I’m holding on to all your pieces until one day someone offers me a million each for them,” he laughed and Y/n smiled. She doubted that would ever happen.

The evening should have been amazing. She was meant to have Harry with her and it was supposed to be a big night for her. Something that could potentially change the trajectory of her career. But Y/n wasn’t happy. Her exciting moment was clouded by thoughts of Harry and how she loved him but now it was over.

Through the doorway opposite the entrance was a small bar area. Guests could go get their drinks and then head back into the gallery. But there were a few bar tables and some stools. Y/n had been eyeing it all night. A moment to get away and sit by herself for a while.

The room was darker and quieter, even though it was open to the main gallery. The small high-top tables had four tall, cushioned stools around each. The only person in the bar was the bartender.

“Hi. Can I have a glass of chardonnay?” Y/n leaned into the bar and her eyes settled over the array of colorful bottles lined up behind the young lady who stood at the bar.

The young woman smiled, “Sure. Anything in particular? Would you like to see what I’ve got?”

“Not really. This is going to sound so bad, but just the cheapest one.”

Y/n dug into her small clutch to pull out her phone card and then waited as the young lady poured a glass of Y/n’s cheap glass of wine.

“Your art is excellent. I’m a big fan.” The woman looked over her shoulder as she plumbed the top of the bottle with the cork and placed it back into the small fridge below the counter.

“You know my work?” It was not expected. She didn’t think the bartender would know the artists by their faces alone.

“Yes! Of course. I usually get to know who the artists are that have their pieces here. Yours is outstanding.”

She felt her face get warm from the odd feeling she always got when someone loved her work and recognized her. She still hadn’t gotten used to that feeling yet but she enjoyed it nonetheless.

When she took the glass she thanked the lady for the wine, “And, thank you for the kind words too. That means a lot to me.”

She took a deep breath and sipped her wine in the empty space as she attempted to let her bad mood dissolve. She knew it was impossible to let it go completely. Her wound was so fresh. She’d just gotten her heart broken and that would take some time to grapple with. But she knew she could be okay because she’d dealt with and come through the worst kind of tragic loss anyone can imagine. Losing Robert devastated her. For a very long time. She’d only gotten to a place where she felt she was ready to find love again. And her short time with Harry was nothing in comparison to what she’d suffered. So yeah, she’d been through far worse. She’d be okay.

The music that played in the small space was slow and the tune sounded a lot like an old Foo Fighters song. But it was all instrumental and she couldn’t be sure. She pulled out her cell phone and decided to text her sister. Catch up a bit. Feel something sweet and nostalgic to get her mind off of her sorrows.

She smiled when her sister texted back with a picture of the kids.

She looked up and paused to listen closely to the music playing again. Yeah. It was an instrumental version - definitely Foo Fighters. Everlong. That was the song! She snapped her fingers and smiled again as he looked back at the picture of her nieces.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Y/n. This is for you.” The bartender laid an envelope down on the table. It had her name written on it.

This felt very reminiscent of-

She looked around the room and out into the gallery, where people fitted in lovely outfits and amazing hairstyles milled about, in search of the one person that might have had something to do with this.

She looked back down at the envelope and toward the young lady who had already gone back behind the bar, “Who gave this to you?” She was hesitant to open it.

“Ms. Adams. The gallery’s director. She said it was from a very special guest.”

A very special guest.

She wasted no more time in ripping the top of the envelope open knowing already who it was from.

She braced herself for what she might read on the folded paper inside. Her heart walloped in her chest and she felt her throat go dry as she carefully pulled the paper out and unfolded it.

I’m sorry for the way things happened yesterday. I wanted to tell you so much more. I need you in my life, Y/n. Take a drink in the director’s office with me? Please? - H

She swallowed thickly and placed the paper down on the lacquered wood. The words stared up at her. Very reminiscent of that night. Their first night together.

She decided to take a moment. Finish her glass of wine and find her resolve. She’d see him. Because of course, she would. She’d fallen for the guy and perhaps closure would be good. For both of them. She tried not to get her hopes up.

But even with the idea that she wouldn’t get her hopes up, from the very base of her spine, small bursts of hope began spreading over her back, warming her up and causing the edge of her lip to flick upward the tiniest bit.

She had to stop. She couldn’t allow the butterflies and the warmth to cover her chest. This wasn’t an olive branch. This wasn’t hope. But that was what her body was feeling, the way it reacted after reading his words.

Stop.

She read the note again and the right side of her mouth quirked but she stifled the smile that tried breaking out over her features.

“Uh, hi!” She scooted off her stool and waved at the bartender, “Do you know where the director’s office is by chance?” The young woman smiled, “Follow me, Ms. Y/n.”

Y/n followed behind the young woman to a doorway at the far end of the room and into a hallway. Framed prints were hung along the wall and the floor was dark wood while the walls were a light cream. A few doors were passed, the bathrooms, a numbered room, until finally, they reached the director’s office.

The woman knocked before turning the knob to open the door and stood back, “Here you are.” She gestured at the open door.

“Thank you.” Y/n wavered in her movements wondering if this was the right thing. Should she entertain this idea? Of course, she was going to entertain this idea, but part of her wanted to keep her tough exterior and remain firm in her decision.

Slowly pushing the door further open, she stepped into the threshold and was met with a quaint office-sized room. The same dark wood floors sprawled below her feet, but the very first thing her eyes landed on was that of Harry holding a bouquet of flowers and wearing a soft smile.  

She closed the door behind her and stepped in a couple of feet. He was in a well-fitted navy suit and he looked tired. But he was handsome.

The thought quickly hit her. How did he get in here? Who let him use the director’s office? But then, as he ran his ringed fingers through his hair and she saw remnants of chipped nail polish she was reminded of who he was. Not just her lover or her ex. But he was Harry. Everyone knew him or knew of him. Of course, he was allowed in the director’s office.

“Hi, Y/n,” Harry spoke reticently as he held out the bouquet to her.

He wasn’t sure she’d come to him or that she’d want to even talk to him. And he thought about making a grand gesture. Take over the audio system and declare his love publicly before everyone as he walked out into the crowd toward her. Make a scene. Make her listen. Have everyone rooting for them. Rooting for him.

But that wasn’t right. That would have been too pushy. Not fair. This night was about her. If he’d gone about it the way he wanted it would have had all eyes on him.

He knew, though, that he needed to be here with her. To tell her how he really felt and what he wanted and then if she still wanted that with him, still wanted to be with him, they could end the night the way it was meant to be ended. Together.

“Hi, Harry,” Y/n spoke softly, keeping her eyes on his eyes as she took the lovely bouquet full of pink peonies and soft cream roses.

Harry gestured toward the brown Midcentury style couch, “Will you sit with me? I won’t take up much of your time if you don’t want. I just wanted to say some things.”

The couch was large enough for just two people. Harry was glad she had to sit so close to him. He wanted to eat her up she looked so pretty and so sweet. And just the fact that she’d come to him to entertain a conversation had him soaring.

Placing the bouquet down on the glass coffee table, Y/n noticed the bottle of wine and two glasses as he pointed, “Would you like a glass?”

Nodding her head, Harry pulled the cork out and poured her a bit of the red wine. She felt like she should say no just for the fact that she’d only just finished a glass of white wine and surely it would make the red wine taste odd. But ultimately she figured she could use another glass of wine.

“Yesterday I was working up the courage to tell you how I want to be with you for good,” Harry said as he leaned his back into the cushion behind him with his own glass of wine, “Wanted to tell you how serious I am about you. But I thought you were planning on breaking up with me so I needed a minute to figure out how I was going to convince you to stay.”

Y/n’s eyes bounced over his features as she cinched her brows inward. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Had he wanted the same thing she did the whole time?

“And I’m so sorry that it seemed to you like I was putting off a serious conversation with you. That’s my fault. I should have stayed there with you in bed and listened to you right off. Even if it meant potentially having you break up with me,” he licked his lips and sighed, “Instead, I did what I normally do and tried and figure out a way to make something work in my favor. So I paused that moment hoping you’d change your mind, or that I could come up with something. Prolonging it for the sake of just holding on to you a little longer.

“It’s because I’m selfish and I like to control the narrative. But that’s never been fair to you. So, I understand if my apology is no good anymore. I just felt like maybe I can tell you what was really happening in my head yesterday. Because that part, you did have wrong.”

Y/n blinked her eyes and nodded, “Well, then… I guess I’m sorry too. Because it sounds like I might have jumped to conclusions. I just didn’t think you’d want something serious. Long term. But there’s more to it than just that you know?”

Harry frowned and shook his head, “What do you mean?”

Y/n could see how timid Harry had been since the moment she walked into the room with him. She felt the need to help assuage him so she turned her body toward his and pulled his hands into hers before speaking, “I mean that I’m getting older and I think it’s time for me to really settle down. For good. I mean…” she breathed out a nervous laugh, “like, babies, marriage… death. All that. That’s what I mean.”

Harry nodded and raised his brows, “Yeah?”

Y/n grinned as Harry’s thumbs ran along the sides of her hands. The corner of his mouth pulled upward. She could see his swagger return in almost an instant. His eye contact was solid and his dimples carved into his cheeks.

“Well, yeah,” she started to feel flustered by his proximity, the way she could see his pupils roaming over her face and watching her mouth, “I’m not saying we need to get married but like,” she swallowed, “I’d like for us to be serious enough to know that we’d be headed that direction if things are good. And I know you’re super famous and that’s why yesterday I just…”

“I want to be with you. I want it all with you.” Harry bowed his head, finally breaking eye contact and his hands tightened around hers, “I thought you were done with me. I thought you were going to break up with me and that I wasn’t going to be worth all the trouble for you. Because I know this is a lot.”

“No. I just thought you wouldn’t want what I wanted and the way you reacted to me telling you I wanted to talk and how you didn’t come to find me after you were done showering… I felt like you were trying to figure out the best way to break it to me- either that or you were trying to avoid me. I just… Thought the worst.”

She couldn’t have described the way her insides were pulsing and expanding and churning. She’d spent the better half of the day reeling over losing him. Over knowing she might not get to look into his eyes in this way again. Might not see the small freckles on his face again and the way he blushed despite being so sure of himself. But here she was sitting with Harry and in under three minutes everything had changed. If she had just listened yesterday. If he had just listened.

“But so did I. That’s why we’re in this mess. I thought you were breaking up with me and so my behavior made you think the worst.”

Y/n smiled and allowed herself to indulge in his eyes and in the grin he was holding back and the way his fingers felt on hers… Was she just dreaming? Was she just about to wake up and realize it had all been a dream?

“Is it okay if I… ?” He pulled at her gently and slowly wrapped his arms around her and she smelled his familiar cologne. She loved how this felt. Hugging him. Feeling his solid body against hers. She eased into his hold and wrapped her own arms around him.

Harry whispered into her ear, “I should have told you everything yesterday. Let you talk and then we wouldn’t have gotten in this mess. It’s me and you, Y/n. Okay? Me and you. That’s what I want.”

Tears of relief and elated joy broke from her waterline and Harry pulled her in tighter, kissing her temple, “I thought you were done with me. I thought you wanted to break up with me,” the anguish in his voice was not missed. He’d been hurting too.

Harry brushed his palm up and down on her back slowly and pressed his lips to the top of her head, “God I was so worried this was it for us. Fuck. I’m not letting you leave me again like you did. I can’t be away from you like that, Y/n.”

Pulling her head back to look up at him she did see the glisten in his eyes from the start of tears. She knew hers matched. It all felt like a dream. But just in case it was real she needed to speak the words. Sliding her hands upward and cupping his face she was nearly trembling from relief and excitement, “I love you, Harry.”

Harry closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into hers, clutching her lovely dress tightly, “God, I love you, Y/n.”

.           .           .

Stepping into the gallery with all the other people in the room and having Harry by her side felt surreal. Everyone was watching them. She was okay to share this night with him. There was no way around it that people wouldn’t be interested in her because of her boyfriend. She figured that would be something she’d just have to get used to.

Harry squeezed her hand tight and she looked up at him. He looked proud. So important with a big, pleased smile on his lips as he looked down at her.

“You realize you’re coming back home with me after this. Right? And I’m never letting you leave me again.”

Harry had grown a lot as an individual. He still had moments where he could be pushy and use his charm to get the things he wanted, but he figured some things just couldn’t be totally trained out of him. He allowed Y/n to make her own choices. He gave her space when she needed but she came back to him in the end. He wanted her to be his and everything they’d done that had gotten them to where they were currently had worked out. So Harry had no regrets about coming to her on this night.

“Of course, I’m coming home with you. I’d be offended if you assumed otherwise,” she smirked happily. “And I wouldn’t dream of leaving you again.”

Harry couldn’t wait to get her home and make love to her. Seal it all together in finality. He knew that tonight was just the beginning for them.

And as if they could both read one another’s minds they smiled and paused together in time. Everything had finally come together for them. At last.

A/N: This is the last part of this series! Would love your feedback!

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[red-riot-unbreakable-heart]

Hey I really really love your Todoroki kiss series and I'm dying for Part 5 to come out 😫 How many parts do you think this story will have? Will Part 5 be the last chapter?

Omg hello!!! Thank you for the sweet message, I'm hoping to make some headway on the next few chapters during the long weekend!

The Answer - Ok so as I am currently envisioning the story at the very least to be 10 parts!? Chapter 5 is almost wrapped up and needs some rounds of edits, Chapter 6 is started and Chapter 7 is roughly plotted out (maybe?). I also have like 2 spin off chapters in mind that I'd like to post as part of the continuous story that are less focused on Shoto x Reader but will be some saucy spinoff stories involving other character ships. You'll start to see some fun new pairings in Chapter 5. I know people are coming to this story for Shoto, but I humbly hope you'll all enjoy some other smutty tales that I weave into the main storyline along the way!

I feel like we've only begun to scratch the surface of the things that Shoto and The Reader want to do with each other 👀

Timing-wise, I know it is a bit of a wait in between chapters! This story is much more ambitious than my typical one shots so it has been taking a lot of energy and editing to get it to a place that I’m happy with. I’m trying not to be a perfectionist about it, though! I just want it to be super enjoyable for you all to read :)

The Tag List - If you've requested to be added to the IcyThot tag list, I will be updating the list this weekend so that everyone will be included!

The Story - No idea what I'm talking about here!? Not to worry! Linking all available parts of the story below for your reading pleasure 😏

Shoto's First Kiss Series:

Part 1: Shoto Todoroki x Reader | First Kiss ❄️🔥💋

Part 2: Shoto Todoroki x Reader | First Kiss ❄️🔥💋 PART 2

Part 3: Shoto Todoroki x Reader | First Kiss ❄️🔥💋 PART 3

Part 4: Shoto Todoroki x Reader | First Kiss ❄️🔥💋 PART 4

XOXO,

RedRiotUnbreakableHeart

[kz-i-co]

Don’t Fall In Love: Part 5

Summary: You are one of the most popular bloggers on your campus, telling enriching stories of your personal heartbreaks anonymously. But your readers are not ready to handle the newest heartbreak of finding out your best friend dating your ex.

Paring: Lee Haechan (Donghyuck) x f!reader

Genre: college au | angst x smut

Warning: story may contain strong language, mentions of drugs and alcohol - sexual references - reader discretion advise.

Words: 5k

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Masterlist | Nct 127 Masterlist | Nct Dream Masterlist

Taglist: @lovingvoidgoatee, @lunaryoongie, @matchahyuck, @yixingtion, @mosviqu, @ohmyhuenings, @nctzennikki09, @rosiejunnie, @roxyvogue, @5seos, @aaphroditeprjde, @fullsunkist, @emvrd, @atinypurr​, @liliansun​

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #56 I hope you guys are enjoying my beautiful story telling because my career is over. I know I'm being dramatic but wouldn't you? I felt fear that I never felt before - that everything was gonna blow up and force me away from the people I love. I don't like this feeling. In fact I hate this feeling and I wish it would go away.... :::

"Umm - yeah." You didn't know what to say - you were busted.

"Why is it at Haechan's place?" She grew frustrated.

"Actually....Jaemin gave it to me. She must of forgotten it at his dorm." Donghyuck saved you once again when he probably shouldn't.

"You really are hooking up with Jaemin? I was hoping you were joking." She said even more frustrated.

"Guilty." You pursed your lips. "Thanks for bringing it." You said as Minjeong practically dragged him into your apartment changing your girls night immediately. "No really thanks." You said with more attitude the minute Minjeong stepped away to gather some drinks.

"Don't mention it....Ever." He rolled his eyes. "Keep track of your shit."

You huffed as you took your purse wanting to admit defeat and go to bed. "You don't mind if he joins our movie marathon do you?"

"No of course not." You smiled.

"I don't know, I think I really should get going, I have studying to do." Donghyuck rubbed his neck nervously from the accidental invite.

"Aww, just one movie." Minjeong begged.

"Yeah....sure." You could see the frustration in his expression as soon as she made her way over to the couch.

You tried to keep cool as you payed attention to the movie. Donghyuck was to your right as Minjeong was to his right laying on his shoulder. You wanted anything to get out of this situation. Fake sick? Pretend to fall asleep? Anything?

You were ready to tell Minjeong the truth but now it was much harder with him here. What should you do? You didn't like confrontation especially when it could have a bad outcome.

"This movie is really scary huh?" You spoke up getting ready to leave.

"Yeah." Minjeong spoke through a yawn.

Donghyuck moved slightly to get more comfortable, accidentally brushing over your bare thigh but immediately retracted and moved the blanket more covering him and Minjeong. You didn't know why but the slight contact gave you chills alone and you wanted nothing more than to pounce on top of him but you had self control.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #56 How far must I go? How far will this lie go until I can't take it anymore. Because by this point my relationship with my best friend is over. I betrayed her - I betrayed myself. And I'm officially done - Xoxo peace :::

You felt yourself move closer and closer to Donghyuck that you didn't even realize your hand making it's way under the blanket to a place you probably shouldn't. Self control was overrated.

But you did it anyway and his immediate reaction wasn't to stop you. "(Y/N)." He whispered next to you and you just smirked in response.

"Hmm?" You bit your lip as you rubbed more steady already feeling him grow underneath you. You were just lucky that Minjeong gets so focused into movies, unless you would've already been caught.

You heard him groan and fake a cough as he finally grabbed your hand stopping you. "Everything alright?" Minjeong asked as you froze from your hand still on top of his growing member.

"Oh yeah."

"I'm sorry I doze off a little." She giggled.

"If you're tired, you can go to bed." He said sweetly.

"Only if you join me." She said to both of your surprise which just made you more and more upset.

She was dying to sleep with him and it almost sounded desperate by this point and the worst part was Donghyuck was clearly avoiding it. Was it because of you?

"I can go to my room if you guys want." You tried hard not to sound disappointed.

"Oh no (Y/N) - I'll try to stay awake." She spoke and you all just settled back into a comfortable standby, except the fact you were still resting on his thigh without even noticing it moving closer.

Once things were settled again, he looked over at you and you just acted like nothing was wrong.

"What are you doing?" He whispered.

"You started it." You fought back.

"How did I start it?"

"You touched my leg."

"That was an accident." He said in self defense but couldn't help but smirk to himself.

At this point you couldn't tell if it was natural or he meant it because smirking was just part of his everyday face and he probably does it in his sleep but in this case you still felt he did purposely and he wanted you to suffer when he most likely knew, touching him was forbidden at the moment but jokes on him thinking you were scared.

"Sure it was."

"Shall I make some popcorn?" You asked raising your voice and waiting for Minjeong to responde.

"She's asleep?" Donghyuck answered.

"Hmm." You leaned back getting comfortable once again.

"Don't even think about it (Y/N)." He whispered next to you once again as you just started making your hand under the blanket again.

"What? She's asleep." He looked at you questionable. "You know I was gonna tell her everything - until your ass knocked on the door." You pouted.

"Really?"

"I think it's obvious I want you back." You flirted rubbing him once again. You kept apologizing in your head the moment you pulled him out from underneath the blanket. You constantly felt regret with every action but you just couldn't help it - you wanted him. You weren't sure how Donghyuck was feeling but he seemed to let you do whatever you wanted so maybe he still had feelings for you too. You wanted to know - you needed to know.

He softly moaned and leaned his head back as you picked up your motions.

"Hmm? What do you say?" You flirted some more. "Like things never changed."

"We can't (Y/N)." He leaned back up to look at you as your speed slowed down. You heard him sigh from the look on your face. "I told you...We can't just get back together....Minjeong will be too upset."

"Do you even want me at all? Even after everything?" You took your hand back as your tone sounded bothered.

"I don't want to talk about it right now." He shifted putting himself back together, clearly uncomfortable from leaving him hanging.

"Just say yes or no Hyuck."

"Yes (Y/N)." He whispered louder but was quick to tone it down. "Can we just watch the movie?"

He wanted you as bad as you wanted him. You couldn't help but smile just thinking about it. But he was right - after everything, you couldn't just get back together in these conditions - if Minjeong knew the truth or not, it would be too difficult.

"First thing tomorrow morning." You spoke and leaned your head against his other shoulder.

"What's that?" He looked down at you.

"I'm gonna tell her everything." You looked up at him.

"Everything?"

You nodded and he pursed his lips thinking for a moment and looked down at your lips slightly leaning in but was hesitant before turning away.

"I'm gonna get going." He started to move making you sit up straight and watched him help Minjeong lay down against the pillow that rested against the arm chair.

"Are you sure you don't want to just sleep here? It's past 1."

"I'll be fine - I only live a few blocks away." He smirked. "You worried about me now?" He grabbed some of the soda cans and made his way to the kitchen.

"Of course not." You smiled as you grabbed the garbage helping clean up as well.

"I don't know how tomorrow is gonna go but if you want to stay with Minjeong - you have my permission."

"Are you throwing yourself a pity party?" He asked with his eyebrows arched in amusement.

"What? No...." You said tossing the garbage in the trash.

"I just told you I wanted you." He said leaning closer.

"Well.....knowing you, I wasn't sure if you just told me what I wanted to hear to shut me up."

"You're right I do, do that a lot." He smirked again.

"You're so annoying." You said playfully.

"It's not my fault you never shut up." You made of face of amusement causing him to smile sweetly - a smile you will never want to go away.

"So you want me still? Even after I was a terrible girlfriend." You leaned up against him that you could practically feel his breath against your lips.

"Well you admitted you were wrong so...-" He shrugged.

"I was so wrong." You spoke before finally filling in the empty space.

You would never get used to kissing him - like every time was the first over and over again. Refreshing. You could sense the desperation within his that you already wanted to drag him to your bedroom but you know this couldn't go further tonight - not again while Minjeong was literally a few feet away. And especially not here in this kitchen again or you will never hear the end from Jimin.

You pulled away slightly catching your breath. "I want you to fuck me so bad."

"We can't."

"I know." You could hear the disappointment in your voice. "But I'll think about it tonight."

He groaned. "You can't just say that shit."

"Why does it turn you on?" You started trailing your hand down to his evident bulge.

You reached in kissing him again until you heard Minjeong groan immediately pulling you both apart.

You both looked in her direction to see her getting up and stretching before opening her eyes yawning. "I'm going to bed....are you staying the night Channie?"

"Oh um- I think I'm just gonna head home."

"Goodnight baby....goodnight (Y/N)." She spoke on her way to her room.

"Night." You both said in unison.

"She's like a zombie when's she's sleepy." You giggled.

"Yeah." He said more serious to your surprise. "I'll see you tomorrow (Y/N)."

"There's really no convincing you to stay? You can just leave before she wakes up?" You were practically begging.

"Minjeong wakes up before the both of us."

"I can come over and stay with you then?" You just didn't want to leave him by this point.

He smiled at you sweetly. "Maybe next time." He approached the door but you didn't let him off the hook that easy as you kissed him like it was the last time.

"Just in case that was the last time."

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #57 I'm walking on eggshells here....what to do now? I love him and he confessed he still loves me but does that mean we can get back together? I'm gonna tell her everything- I owe her.... Especially during this risky game I'm playing with D since we can't keep off each other- even when my best friend is around....like playing a game of hide and seek. She was asleep right? She didn't see anything....right? :::

"On second thought - maybe it is pretty late." He said closing the door behind him and you smirked dragging him to your room.

This was so wrong on so many levels but you loved him and he loved you and it just felt right.

"I fucking hate you right now." He said bringing his lips towards yours as your bedroom door was shut and locked behind you.

"Why? Because I'm irresistible." You smirked again.

"You're so fucking irresistible." He pulled you up as he carried you to your bed laying you down and immediately towering over you as his lips were placed on yours. You thought the last time was an act of desperation but this took the whole cake.

It didn't feel as risky in here which gave you both more room to play with your hormones. The only problem was you still had to manage to stay quiet because there was no explanation this time and Minjeong wasn't drunk to keep her asleep.

Donghyuck always had a talent of leaving chills trailing down your body with just a brush of his lips, from your lips to your neck and even now your hip where he was currently removing your shorts, along with your thin lace panties.

God...you missed this.

The only thing you didn't miss though, was how much of a tease Donghyuck was. He loved to pleasure everywhere but where you needed him most and at the moment your impatience was wearing thin. "Hyuck Please." You begged causing him to chuckle.

"I'll get there." He sucked above your clit some more as you felt his fingers slowly explore your folds. "Is this where you want me?"

"Hyuck." You warned again.

He smirked before moving where you wanted him and sucking your weak spot causing you to immediately moan out. "You need to stay quiet if you want me to continue."

"I'm trying."

He hummed against you before continuing his slow pleasurable movements that you regret even starting since you had no self control in the tone of your voice. You bit your fist trying to hold back but you were screaming on the inside. To make matters worse he pushed two fingers into you causing your vision to daze and you knew you weren't gonna last long at this rate. He always knew how to work his fingers and you were only getting the subtle version on what he could really do.

"Oh my fucking gosh." You cried as you felt your climax to hit any second now.

"Too much?" You can hear the smirk in his voice.

"Don't you dare fucking stop or I'll will actually kill you." You complained from his sudden holt.

The teaser will always be a teaser.

He enjoyed your suffering too much so he continued giving you exactly what you wanted and not too long, you were screaming into your pillow as your high was taking over in probably the best orgasm you've had in a long time. Donghyuck still taking the throne as your best contender....sorry Jaemin.

"You still want me to stay?" He asked sweetly hovering over you, surprising you once again since he was just purposely teasing you seconds before.

"More than you know."

"Are you sure?"

"Donghyuck if you don't stay here and fuck me, I will make your life miserable." You grabbed his buckle and undoing his zipper once again and was quick to pull him out. You gave him a few pumps before guiding him to your needy area.

Once he pushed in, your walls were already clenching from being extra sensitive. "Fuck." He moaned against you and started kissing down your neck. He was working against you in a slow steady motion but once you loosened up, he didn't hesitate to pick up the pace.

"Oh f-fff." You bit your tongue from crying out.

You may have succeeded in being quiet but the soft moans and heavy breathing were enough to concern you, especially now since the soft creak in your bed was your newest issue.

"Hyuck....maybe we should- oh fuck." The pleasure was blinding you.

"What's wrong?" He kissed down your chest.

"It's just-" He was hitting the perfect spot that you couldn't stop him now. "Nothing...."

You moved your hands down his back and pushing his pants to finally pool on the floor leaving him only in his tshirt. He was much quicker than you having you bare underneath him and leaving marks on your exposed chest.

You both were lost in the moment that you didn't even realized the room light up from the only light source that was coming from under the door. "Wait wait wait."

"Hmm?" Donghyuck didn't stop as you stared to the right at the now visible light coming from the hallway. "What?"

You both heard a door slam and the light suddenly turning off. You knew Jimin said she wasn't coming home tonight so it had to be Minjeong.

Did she hear you? No....she couldn't have.

"She was probably using the bathroom." He spoke.

"Shhh." You tried to listen closer but heard nothing. "Maybe you're right.....try to keep it quiet." You teased.

"Me? Really?" He arched his eyebrows as he started rocking against you again.

"I'm not the one making the bed creak."

"Maybe you need a new bed." He sassily responded.

"You're so annoying."

"Good." You grabbed his shirt making him lean down and kiss you again as he gyrated his hips in a sensual manner making your stomach erupt with butterflies.

"Oh my god.....that's it." You moaned making him chuckle against your neck. He love hearing you so vocal.

You didn't know he constantly found your weak spot making you twitch sporadically. "I'm close." You cried softly.

"Hold on baby." He picked up the pace that had you in a fear of not only getting caught but more moans to slip out accidentally.

You felt like any minute, Minjeong was gonna come pound on your door about to expose the both of you.

The risky game was fun but also terrifying.

His movements became unsteady that you couldn't hold on any longer and laid there letting your pleasure take over. He stopped and quickly pulled out, letting his juices cover your stomach. His soft moans causing another stir in your stomach from just how attractive he is.

"Sorry, I wasn't sure if you took your pill or not."

"I did but I couldn't help but noticed you didn't ask me last night." You teased.

"Maybe I was expecting you to speak up first."

"You should learn not to assume." You flirted. "But it's easy to say I never miss a day." He got up grabbing a towel to clean you off.

Once he settled and laid down next to you, he pulled you from behind into a spooning position.

"I missed you." You said softly.

"I know." He spoke bringing his lips towards the back of your neck.

"Do you miss me?"

"Of course." His voice sounded more low, probably already falling asleep.

You wiggled wanting to be as close to him as possible. "(Y/N)." He warned. "Stop moving."

"Whats wrong? You don't want to go again?" You teased.

"You exhaust me."

"Because I'm irresistible?" You giggled.

"Yes baby....now go to sleep." He said practically asleep but you turned around and cuddled into his chest finally letting sleep overcome you as well. You missed times like this where you two could just sleep and cuddle and not worry about anything else in the world.

That is until tomorrow...

- ::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #57 I'm ready....I'm ready to unfold everything of this badly written dumb twilight fanfic I have created. Okay so maybe I'm being dramatic..... but I never felt more terrified about anything in my life. I thought I left all this drama behind in high school but here we are in a new open canvas I would like to call my life. Thank you God. Barely a month ago I was pining over J - a fuckboy who didn't want me... and crying over D like a stupid jealous ex who probably couldn't stand me and vice versa. What has happened? Why did you make me fall in love with you again - well I never fell out of but you get my point. Why are you here making my life a mess again? Why are you here making me feel like an asshole for even breaking up with you. Why am I here ruining everything? I'm sure by now the people in my life know who I am and ready to confront me because this kind of shit doesn't just happen to anyone......it only happens to shits like me.....but hey at least it makes for good story telling.....especially to my kids one day. I'm sorry to everyone I hurt, especially you my best friend who will probably hate me by the end of today....just know that I love you and I'm sorry for what I did and didn't do. Well.....that's it for now - I'll let you know who decided to stick around in my fucked up life after I spill the beans. Hopefully I'll be okay to even continue this blog...thank you guys for listening. Xoxo peace. :::

"Morning." You yawned grabbing a cup of coffee as Jimin was on her laptop doing work. "What are you doing up so early?"

"My term paper is due tomorrow." She spoke taking a sip of coffee as well.

"Shit, so is mine." You rolled your eyes not wanting to process this day. "I hate Sundays."

"Being dramatic already are we?" Jimin laughed.

"We have classes again tomorrow." Jimin just laughed some more. "Is Minjeong still sleeping?"

"Oh no - she went over to "Channies" for breakfast." She giggled keeping up with the lie as well. Donghyuck was gone when you woke up but you didn't know how early since you also liked to sleep late.

"So you haven't told her yet?" Jimin broke your train of thought.

"I was going to last night but he showed up and I didn't know how to with him there."

"That would of probably been the best time to (with him there)."

"It's my lie though - I rather tell her alone." You confirmed.

"Alright - just make it quick because things are taking off."

"Are they?" You asked still feeling questionable.

"Well that was until you two started sleeping together behind her back." Jimin shrugged nonchalantly.

"It was once- twice....and maybe last night - but it's not happening again until I tell her this time."

"That so? I was wondering why I caught him sneaking out this morning." Your face went pale. "Relax, Minjeong was still sleeping."

You sighed. "Just say it Jimin.....I know you're thinking it."

"I'm not saying anything." She shrugged.

"Call me a slut, bad friend, homewrecker.....I know." You scoffed. "I already hate myself because of it."

"You're in a tough spot right now." She shrugged stepping away from her laptop. "Tell her the truth first.......then we'll see what happens - you at least owe her that."

"I just don't know what to do.....I can't lose them both."

"Well, we don't know anything yet.....Minjeong is a pretty forgiving person." She smiled softly. "But in the meantime....maybe you two need to stay away from each other."

"It's so bad Ji - I never wanted him more than I ever had." You whined.

"It's because he's 'unavailable'.....you want what you can't have. It's a mental desire." She spoke. "But he's giving into it as well which is probably making it harder for the both of you."

"Morning ladies." Minjeong came through the door perky and even bought breakfast for the two of you.

"Why are you so happy?" Jimin asked.

"Nothing." She shrugged. "I think I'm gonna give myself to Channie tonight."

"Give yourself?" You asked.

"You know.....give up my virginity." She took a deep breath before smiling.

"Really?" Jimin said side eyeing you.

"Yeah. He's been a little distant lately so maybe this will be the thing we need to jump into the next step." She sighed. "I've been hesitant because I don't want to come off desperate but I can't take it anymore....I'm gonna go for it tonight."

"I'm afraid of him getting bored because I'm not giving him any." She continued shrugging.

"I'm sure he's getting plenty." Jimin slipped causing you to nudge her.

"He asked me to dinner tonight so I think it will be a perfect time." She smiled some more. "I promise I will keep it down unless it hurts as much as they say than I'm sorry."

You turned your back opening the fridge. You didn't know how to hide your emotions this time. You figured this was the test to find out Donghyuck's true feelings on what he wants to do.

"Oh by the way.....do any of you have.....condoms?" She whispered like it was forbidden.

"He's a guy....he will have some - probably in his wallet." Jimin laughed but was quick to tone it down from how bothered you were.

"How do you know he's ready for that - you guys only been together for like 3 weeks." You spoke not turning around.

"You're the one that said guys are impatient and he's probably just being a gentleman - well I'm done waiting."

"I just want to make sure your first time is special that is all." You shrugged finally closing the fridge.

"I've been together with a guy for almost a month and want to sleep with him but you are the one who hooks up with guys left and right shamelessly and you expect me to listen to you?" She snapped.

She sighed as the silence was tense. "Look I'm sorry (Y/N) but I don't know what your deal is lately....you act like you're against relationships but now I feel it's only targeted towards Haechan - why don't you like him? He's been nothing but sweet to me, I just don't get it, I finally found a guy I like what's so wrong with that?"

You didn't know what to say and better yet - how were you suppose to tell her the truth now? She was angry at you already and she didn't even know the truth yet.

Minjeong started walking away and Jimin got up stopping her. "Wait, (Y/N) needs to tell you something."

Thanks Jimin.

"No offense but I really don't want to hear it." She spoke up.

"She's right, who should listen to me anyway." You said being the first to leave and go back to your room focusing only on your paper you needed to get done.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #58 I think it's time to call a quits. My so called best friend is 'there I say it' in love? Well? Maybe or maybe not but she definitely is on her way there more or less and she's not planning on leaving him anytime soon....I guess it's all up to D now and if he truly loves me like he said he does, and continue this love affair - but I'm done with all of it anyway. My heart is broken and I can't handle it anymore......I might need another vacay before I drown myself into a como:/ xoxo peace. :::

You needed a break from this damn paper with a nice refreshing can of redbull. The funny thing was you were sneaky about it, afraid Jimin was out and about, hogging the living room like earlier. You had enough of her continuous nagging and just wanted to crawl up into a ball and forget this day ever happened. "I told you to tell her the truth." Not like you felt shitty enough.

Target acquired and the coast was clear once you made your way to the fridge and opened it, reaching inside for your refreshing can that.....wasn't there. "Dammit Ji."

One thing you were looking forward to in this shit storm of a day with your pathetic paper that was due only in a few hours and all that was left was 400 words and all you wanted was your damn redbull. You reached in and grabbed her monster instead - not as good but it will suffice it's purpose you suppose.

You were just about to make a speedy exit towards your room until you heard the door slam shut, startling you more than it should.

You heart sank as soon as you saw Minjeong sniffling and tears down her face. "Oh hey." She said trying to show a smile.

"Hey." You were clearly hesitant seeing your friend so upset. "You okay?"

"Ah huh." She lied placing her keys on the counter. "Not really actually."

"Haechan broke up with me." She continued causing you to become speechless.

"What?"

"Hmm....yup."

"What happened?" You asked further.

She shrugged. "Everything seemed fine, we had a nice dinner - even kissed a little. I can tell something was bothering him though but I just figured he was stressing about the paper tomorrow." She wiped her tears with the sleeve of her sweater. "And then he just drove me home and said the 'we need to talk' and just like that we're over." She took a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry." You began.

"He said he couldn't get over his ex and he needs some time to be alone." Your heart skipped a beat. "Can you believe that."

This whole mess was really all your fault. But where did it all start? The night you broke up in the first place or the other night when you slept together. He seemed fine before when you both were tearing at each others throats but now you had to get in the middle and confusion everything all over again.

You wanted to tell her. You wanted her to know the truth but why does it seem like every time is the worst time. The truth now will admit that he is still in love with you.

"Now I know why you are so bitter with relationships. You aren't over your ex either....I wonder who his ex is? Maybe she's prettier than me."

"You can't think like that.....You will find someone else I promise."

"But he was so hot and funny and charming." She whined.

"There's tons of hot guys in this school - trust me." You spoke trying to reassure. "And funny ones."

"Maybe we can go to the club together and find someone."

"I'm done with that actually because I was thinking you were right - that lifestyle is too dangerous and I rather meet someone the safe way and so should you."

"But that clearly doesn't work." She whined some more.

"Yes it does - not every relationship is going to work out." You sighed. "There is a frat party tomorrow night, how about we go together."

"Okay." She nodded agreeing.

You had to go see Donghyuck. You need to know what was going on from his side. Your term paper was the farthest from your mind at this moment.

You got what you wanted but was it right? Are you a horrible person because of this? Maybe....

too be continued in the next part....

©property.of.kz-i-co  

[thecapricunt1616]

Blue Lotus - SxC Fic - Chapter 4

♡ Summary: Carmy FINALLY admits how he feels to Syd, friskiness ensues! ♡ W/C: 10,405 ♡ Posted Date: 05/16/2024 ♡ A/N: AAAA Here is C4 of my SydCarmy Fic!! I hope you all like it, I'm sorry this fic was abandoned for so long there was a hiccup, but were so back! Who's pumped to see (fingers crossed) some IRL SydCarmy makeout action - IK I am!!! I hope that y'all enjoy this chapter, xoxo :D ♡ Warnings for BTC: SMUTTY SMUT SMUT !! Carmy being all mushy about Syd, Overprotective Carmy, You COULD Call this OOC but Carmy has been in intensive therapy about his exact feelings of holding back his own joy - so it could also be very IN character when you take that in to account ;)

♡ 𝐌𝐲 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞-𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 ♡ ➵ 𝘊𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 / 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘵 ♡ ➵ 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

“Uh- yeah? Yeah…” Syd said softly. She felt hot all over. Goosebumps were raised on each speck of flesh. Her head felt as if she’d smoked the joint from earlier all herself, light. Her chest felt warm, like her heart was being squeezed in a hug. 

Syd had kissed enough people before to know this felt different, much different then any other time she’d been kissed. As stupid as it felt, she was thinking she understood what people meant now when they said their world stopped when they finally kissed the person they were meant for. 

That- or their sexual tension was so insane that it lit each and every one of their nerves on fire, and the feeling of a magnet in her gut pulling her to him was all in her head, and she should really think about checking herself in. 

“I think I’ve been wanting to do that….i don’t know how long- but I know…I’m sure I’ve wanted it now for a while and I’m sorry I haven’t done it…I couldn’t lose you, Syd.” He rested his forehead on hers, huffing a sigh of relief through his nose and his eyes fluttering shut. 

“Do you wanna know why I really actually had the nerve to come out here?” She asked quietly. 

When Carm opened his eyes, he saw syds heartwarming smile, meer inches away from his own lips. He wanted to lean in and kiss her again, he wanted to show her just how badly he needed her, here, now. But he wouldn’t dare push her. He’d already felt like he’d taken too much. 

“Why?” He asked shyly. 

“Fuckin fak” she said, giggling a bit. “Fak. Of all people. He told me…that like- he said we should date?” She said, laughing as Carm’s cheeks go pink. “And he said ‘you’re already work married but I think he’d want to be real married’ “ she said and Carm groans in embarrassment. 

“I’m gonna fuckin kill him- I’m so so sorry” he rests his head on her shoulder, nuzzling his face in the crook of her neck in embarrassment, but he couldn’t help but smile. 

He nearly groaned when she gently runs her delicate fingers over his scalp slowly, ever so gently easing out the tangles from the day.

 “It was needed for me too I guess. I think it’s a little funny. And also strangely humbling, considering I pride myself on reading people. But everyone except for me saw your feelings. Well…maybe I did? I just didn’t accept them because I also didn’t want to lose you. Because I trust you” Syd went on. 

The words nearly brought tears to his eyes. She was afraid to lose him. She was afraid to lose him because of how much she trusts him.

 “I would never leave you, y’know that, right?” He sat up a bit, taking her other hand and holding it with both of his, “I would never dream of it. I fuckin- I- I feel like I need you? And that’s somethin I’m still..I’m still trying to get over it while I’m here and work it out and I’ve been really trying Syd but it’s - I try to explain it to my therapist it’s not- it’s not like I think I’ll die it’s not like I think I can’t- I can’t keep going but it’s like this- this-“ his ramblings is interrupted this time, by Syd returning the favor and kissing him. 

He let out a small satisfied hum of the feeling of his lips on hers, closing his eyes and moving his lips in tandem, relishing in the feeling of her fingers gently twirling his curls between her slender fingers, by instinct forming the little ringlets together in her fingers how she’d do when she played with her own curls. 

“Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much, Berzatto?” She teased, and Carm laughs genuinely. 

“Never. That's the first time I’m hearing this. I could talk to you forever though…” he said and pulls her closer. She was nearly sitting in his lap. But to Carm, she still wasn’t close enough. He wanted her glued to his side, he wished he could bottle up the essence of her comfort and carry it with him everywhere, that is how he would feel normal, that was how he could feel apart, without having to do the work on himself, that is. 

“I’m fucking with you. Honestly I-“ she’s cut off by Carmen’s phone buzzing loudly on the table. 

Babysitter #4 the contact read when they looked over. 

Carm saw the time and rolled his eyes “fucking motherfuckers” he muttered angrily and picked up the phone. 

“What?” He snapped.

“Hello! Mr.Berzatto this is Basekeeper Christian how we doing tonight?” Syd heard a man chirp through the phone. 

“Fine. What do you need.” He grates. 

“Well we have here on the log a guest- Sydney Adamu - she checked in for you around 1 pm today- her guest pass was never scanned out at the gate so we’re being sure that you’re both aware of the time. Visiting hours have been over for 45 minutes, but she is welcome back tomorrow” The man explained. 

Carmen wanted to drown his phone in the lake, get the first flight back to Chicago- (first class) - and fuck Syd so hard they literally caused turbulence. But- his testosterone driven rage wasn’t going to get him anywhere except thrown in a hospital here, since your essentially signing your sanity over on a little piece of paper until you ‘graduate out’. 

“Mmhmm.” He grumbles “she’s leaving. I’m walking her down now.” He hung up on the man before he could say anything else and he drops his phone back on the table, rubbing his face how he did when he was annoyed but didn’t want to let it out. 

“I told you I didn’t wanna get you in trouble!” She huffs 

“D’you really think I give a fuck?” he asked and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her chest flush to his. 

“No but I give a fuck, cause what happens if they think Y’re like becoming defiant and keep you away for longer.” She asked, looking down at his lips for a moment. 

He seized the opportunity to pull her into another kiss, but this one was…different, more heated, more wanting, the kind that felt like it was dripping in anticipation. 

She nearly melted into him, taking the chance to straddle his hips, sitting on his lap and cupping his cheeks as the kiss became more feverish. There were small nips, and moans, and wet sounds of lips moving with lips - they weren’t sure what sounds were coming from who at one point. 

His hands were all over her, gripping the curve of her ass, memorizing it, the way it filled his large palms, squeezing the flesh of her hips the way that made her creen with desire. He slipped his hands under her hoodie, the pit of fire in his stomach growing when he felt the raised goosebumps running up the entirety of the flesh on her back and sides. 

He disconnected their lips, kissing along her jaw, leaving small nips and bites before soothing them over with his tongue and kissing the stinging ache away, before moving on to the next targeted patch of skin and repeating the assault. 

Sydney was sure she’d never been so turned on in her life. She felt like a wild animal, like a horny teen again. She couldn’t remember another time, another person - who she wanted to share this much of herself with- so badly. But there was also something in her screaming that it could be ruined if they moved all at once. 

“Carm” she said softly, but his name had been leaving her lips in little moans and whines that it didn’t quite catch his attention. He gently bit down on her collarbone, suckling the flesh - being sure to leave a dark mark for her to admire in the mirror later - but also to remind himself when he sees her again that this all wasn’t just a dream. 

She moaned out softly, tugging his curls firmer and disconnecting his lips from her flesh. She tugs his head back to look up at her, and she nearly forgot why she’d told him to stop at the sight of his purely blissed out expression. 

His usual icy blue eyes had become blown out with the lust swimming in his pupils, the effect causing the rings of his iris’ to look like the deep sea. His cheeks were flushed a scarlet red, his lips were plump and rosy from all the kissing and sucking he was nearly addicted to already. He couldn’t get enough of her scent, her taste. His mind was already whirling around the fact that if he was this obsessed with the way her neck tasted?! 

He was sure that when he did go home, he and Syd would both not be returning to work for a week because he was determined to lick, kiss, nip, bite, worship- every inch of skin she would allow. He felt…devoted. That was the word that was swirling throughout his mind, he was devoted to her pleasure, however she requested it. 

“You taste so fuckin’ good” he said softly, taking the hand that was cupping his cheek and opening his mouth, wrapping his lips around her fore and middle finger and moaning as his eyes fluttered shut at the taste. He swirled his tongue around her digits sensually and Syd felt as if her brain short circuited for a moment. 

Her jaw went slack, his filthy noises mixed with the saliva gathering at the corners of his lips - he was nearly fucking drooling at the taste of her. 

“You’re a fucking whore Jesus Christ.” She said lowly. He smiled around her fingers, pulling off with a pop and swallowing with a satisfied hum. 

“Please stay. Please” he looks up at her with pleading eyes. 

“You know, if the whole EC thing stops working for you- you definitely have a potential career in modeling - for animal shelter donations. Don’t give me those fucking puppy eyes, Berzatto” she said and he ups the amperage, fluttering his lashes for added effect. 

“And how! There’s a gate. Once I scan this to let myself out there’s security guards Carmy. I can’t just come back!” She said 

“You think I’d make you go out there? No. Jess will do it, he owes me anyway.” He explained, gently rubbing up and down her sides. 

“How is he supposed to do that?” She asked and Carm smiled friskily 

“He has ways.” He shrugged. “This isn’t his first round here. He knows his way around the grounds. Cmon you wanna go back to the hotel? A little fun never hurt no one Syd” he mused, gently tucking his hands in the back pockets of her jeans 

“Mmmmm…” she tapped her finger to her lips as if she was thinking “no. I’m not risking your entire stay here for one night of making out. We can do this tomorrow, you need sleep, I need sleep. It’s better if I just go, Carm” she told him gently. 

He huffs, dropping his head back to the couch pillow. “Don’t blame me for trying” he muttered. 

“I’m not, it’s very sweet how much you want me to stay with you” she kissed his chin gently. If his cheeks, and neck, and chest, weren’t already flushed he would have blushed, but instead he just felt the familiar rush of warmth to his face and chest he felt whenever they touched. 

“I always want you with me” he said honestly. His eyes fluttered shut as she made a trail of kisses from his chin to his lips, over the bridge of his nose, to the crest of his forehead, and finally one sweet lingering kiss to the top of his head, before resting her cheek there and embracing him in a warm, tender hug.  “I’ll always be around for you” she whispered.

Syd was finally off to her hotel in an Uber, that Carmen had insisted on ordering, he told her he had to be sure he’d able to watch it- even though Sydney was more than happy to turn on her location for him (she did so just to ease his nerves), he checked the liscence plate three separate times making sure each letter matched, and had to check the front and back, and also google a photo of the car to be sure it was the same exact one that they had listed. 

He also asked the man what his name was when he pulled up- and was sure to lecture him to not drive off until she was inside her room, and telling her to call him if she had any problems at all. Syd was slightly embarrassed, but it also made her feel so tended to and cared for. 

The second she got to her room and put her bag down, she texted Carm 

Syd: Made it back 100% safe and as I was when I saw you last! Thank you for scaring the shit out of that Uber driver. I'm not sure he’s ever gonna take a ride there again - he told me when I got out it was easier picking people up at a military base. 

Carm picked up his phone right away, sighing in relief. 

Carm: Would you put your right hand in an Uber alone with no way of being sure they’ll be ok?

He sent back with a small smile. After Syd had taken a quick shower, brushed her teeth, tied up her hair, and gotten in her pajamas she had sent him her response 

Syd: Aren't you right handed? So wouldn’t I be your left hand? Since in this analogy you’re one hand I’m the other? So you would be your own dominant hand? No?

Carmen didn’t hear his phone buzz over the sound of the shower running, but he couldn’t respond anyway, because said hand was currently wrapped tightly around his cock as he leaned against the cool shower wall, head rested against it, slowly stroking and tugging as he whimpered her name.  

He was getting frustrated, though. Because now that he’d felt her hands in his- he could imagine one thousand times better how it would feel wrapped around his cock. His own calluses and rough skin, as well as the sheer size of his hand was not matching the fantasy of her jerking him off on her knees in the cave behind the waterfall that he’d discovered. 

“I’ll always be here for you, Bear. I love taking care of you, is this what you need? You need to cum on my face?” she said in his fantasy, her tongue dipping over the curve of his v-line as she tugged his cock in slow languid strokes. 

He whimpered out, “yes- fuck so fuckin dirty” he groaned, pumping himself faster. 

“Do you want to cum on my face, or cum down my throat?” He imagined her hot open mouthed kisses along the side of his neck earlier instead being along the length of his shaft and he nearly got weak in the knees. 

“Oh fuck” he whined, imagining the taste of her once again, the feeling of her fingers nearly touching the back of his throat, the feeling of her tongue on his, the feeling of suckling on her tongue and swallowing their mixed saliva like it was the very essence of life. 

“I’m yours, I’m yours, bear” he imagined the look on her face as she came, the way he’d make her legs shake, how she’d stutter, and creen, and arch her back for him. 

“Fuck gonna fuckin make y’mine baby- shhiiit y’so fuckin hot” he grunted as he spilled into his fist with heaving breaths.

It took him a moment to catch his breath and find his composure once more. When he opened his eyes, his cheeks heat in sheer embarrassment at the amount of cum covering from his abs, dripping down his balls all the way down his thighs. 

“Fuckin hell” he muttered” rinsing himself off before taking a quick shower. It wasn’t a surprise though, any time he touched her the fantasy’s in his mind would run wild - and the fact that they were really doing this, that they were…together? Wanted to be together? He wasn’t sure, all he knew was that his head felt lighter, his balls felt heavier, and he could not wait to see her tomorrow. 

 When he laid in bed and finally read her response, he chuckled a bit. 

Analogy’s, Acronyms, Abbreviations - haven’t you learned they aren’t my forte? 

Before plugging his phone in after setting his alarm, and trying to get some sleep. 

Every time his phone vibrated he assumed it was her, and would check it- to become frustrated that it was just another useless email, or news notification. 

She’s probably fucking sleeping you freak get ahold of yourself. 

He’d thought, but that didn’t do anything to stop his racing thoughts. He actually had to end up jacking off again to get himself to the point of exhaustion he could essentially pass out instead of willfully falling asleep. 

The next morning, though, he nearly hopped out of bed. Carmen had never remembered a time he was so excited to take on a day. He put on his favorite thermal white long sleeve and vintage wrangler jeans, brushing his teeth and slipping on his boots before heading outside. 

He stopped by Jesse’s cabin, banging on the door “wake up , jagoff!” He called through the door. One time, Jess had slept through half the day and missed meds- which was an immediate send back to inpatient, and a restart of your outpatient time, so naturally- Jesse was pissed with himself, and Carmen wasn’t too happy either because for 3 days he had to mope around basically alone, and walk Shayna wherever she wanted to go. So ever since he got back to the OP cabins, Carm was determined to at least assure Jess was awake before first call so he wouldn’t get thrown back again.  

“It’s fuckin- it’s like 30 minutes before first call, asshole!” He grumbled as he unlocked and opened the door. 

“Get dressed, first call is now- I wanna get the cows taken care of and shower before Syd comes back you owe me remember” he said and Jess rolls his eyes. 

“Shay is gonna be pissed” he said 

“Don’t care she can suck it” he stepped into the cabin, shutting the door and turning on the lights to which Jesse groans dramatically. 

“Jesus Christ” he shields his eyes with his arms. “You’re worse then the inpatient morning staff” he went over to the bed, flopping back down on his stomach and covering his head with a pillow. 

“The morning staff? Thats low” Carm snorts a laugh, opening his dresser drawers and throwing a fresh pair of boxers, a pair of jeans, and one of his black hoodies on to his back. “Im getting Shay if you’re still sleeping when she’s up and dressed? You know what she’ll do” Carm warned, before heading across the way. 

He gently knocked on the door instead, of pounding as to not give her a panic attack. “Shay?” He called “you up?” He asked, knocking again a bit louder. 

“If you don’t get away from my door I’ll peel your balls like clementines” she snaps loudly 

“That’s uh- wow” he said with a chuckle “I was gonna offer to use my day pass and Syd can check the two of you out and we can go off-roading like you’ve been talking about? Unless…” 

He heard her footsteps quickly approaching the door and the clicking open of the 3 deadbolts and the sliding chain before unlocking it, sticking her head out and squinting at the light - “fuck” she stuck her hand in front of her to block the sun. 

“You really mean it?” She asked hopefully 

“I wouldn’t lie t’you, Shay. Yes. If you get dressed now and come sit with Jess and I while we feed the cows” he added. She rolled her eyes slightly. 

“Gimme 5” she said and shut the door. 

“Thank you!” He called to her and went back across the way, opening the door to Jesse’s cabin. “Dude!” He said frustratedly when he heard him snore. He walked over, taking the pillow from on top of his head and wacking him with it. 

He startled awake “wha- fuckin not cool” Jesse said, sleepily rubbing his face.  “You think string bean across the way is gonna be able to carry even a single bale? Come on!”

After Carm and Jesse had moved their entire groups worth of bales in record time, due to the fact that patients weren’t allowed to check out until their routines as they called them had been completed - since that was one of their main ideas, being a stable routine helps an unbalanced mind stay regulated. 

But, daylight was burning- and he was not wasting another single minute in this place as soon as Syd got here. 

Carm was the first one in line to get his meds that morning, the first one to breakfast, and the first one in the main office. “Morning” he said to the woman sitting at the counter. 

“Mr. Berzatto! Good morning to you as well honey how can I help you?” She asked 

“Uh- the day pass? How do I go about that?” He asked. 

“Oh! Yes ok so let me grab you the form here” she opens up her desk and takes out a blank form. 

“Alright so between regular visiting hours so 6 am and 11 pm you may leave the facility with the signature of your therapist since you were a self admission. Each patient gets one day pass unless needed for familial emergencies and things of that nature. You may do whatever you wish, but if you are to not return by curfew- you will be kicked out of the program. Understood?” She said and he nodded 

“Understood.” He said and handed over his patient ID so she could fill out the form. 

She quickly filled out all the information that was needed  “Alright here we go, enjoy your day” she said as she handed him his ID and the form back. 

“Thanks, you too” he took it and headed straight to Mandy’s office. 

He got there just as the clock struck 8, and huffed when he realized that the door was still locked and the lights were off, she must have been running late this morning. So he decided to fish his phone out of his pocket and he saw Syd had replied when he was getting his meds. 

Things that have to do with communication usually don’t come natural to you, I’ve noticed. But you’re learning!! Lmk the plans for today whenever you want

His thumbs hovered over the keyboard for a moment, before he was hitting the call button and pressing the phone to his ear. 

“Hello?” She picked up after the third ring. 

“Hey- uh hey- g’morning- did you… did y’sleep alright?” He asked, almost feeling awkward, he became more stressed out the more he asked himself why he would ever be feeling awkward around her. 

“As good as one can in the dead quiet. I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I miss the train?” She said and carm chuckled a bit. 

“Yeah- yeah. Wow I- I haven’t even thought about that. You get used to it by like..a week? Maybe. I dunno the first week here I just spent either drawing or moving hay or training star, so by the time my head hit the pillow- I don’t even think there’s a night I remember falling asleep, other then last night but…that’s a different story” he said, hoping she would bring up so he could sooth the anxiety that she regretted everything. 

“Yeah the craziest thing Carm- I woke up- and it looks like my neck was attacked by leeches! Now why would that be?” She mused. He felt the heat burning his cheeks, but he couldn’t help the smug smirk that curled on his lips.  

“You did? Have you been swimming? It’s a little cold to be swimming, Syd. I don’t even think there is leeches in big bear lake.” He teased. 

“Oh that’s why it’s so insane! I think..this hotel may have a late night leech problem, haven’t you seen that movie? Attack of the late night leeches?” She joked with one of her adorable giggles. 

“That classic fictional horror movie? Are you joking? Of course I’ve seen Attack of the late night leeches- I’ll do you one better, have you seen the suck-uel? ” He asked, smiling proudly to himself when she cracks up laughing. 

He heard Mandy’s keys and heels clicking down the hall “hey- hey start getting ready, wear something comfortable - I’ll call you in a few” he told her. 

“Oh- ok! Like.. sweatpants?” She asked

“Whatever- jeans, sweatpants - just something to be moving around in yea?” He explained. 

“Carmen? Oh- sorry I’m late, no one usually is checking in so early is everything ok?” Mandy asked him and he gave her an apologetic smile and held a finger up to tell her it’d be just a second. 

“Okay- sure I’ll do Jeans, sorry for keeping you- bye” she said and hung up before he got a chance to tell her she was never ‘keeping’ him, or holding him up. 

“Uh- sorry, y’supposed T’sign this f’me I guess? ” He asked her as she unlocked the door. 

“Out-Day form?” She questioned, flicking on the lights and going to sit on her rolling chair behind her desk. 

“Mmhmm” he hummed and handed it over. 

“No. You haven’t done a single light tunnel assignment correctly. You haven’t advanced enough in the program to get back out, you’ll undo your progress” she said plainly and turned on your computer. 

Pure rage washed over him like a bucket of ice water. “It’s bullshit. I told you what my fucking light is. It’s not my fault you don’t see her like that” he crossed his arms angrily. 

“The purpose of the light tunnel project, Carmen, is that no matter where we are, we can find a light, and follow it. A person, is not a light.” She explained without looking up, since they’d already had this very conversation each time he refused to attend their check in meetings regarding the stupid project. 

“But she is f’me! What don’t you get?! Syd is my fucking light! She- she always has been! Ever since I fucking met her!!! Please. Please. Mandy, what do I have to say?” He asked and she looked up at him over the rims of her thick black glasses. 

“She’s here isn’t she.” She said matter of factly. 

“And? What does that have to do with anything?” He asked. 

“Shut the door. Sit. If you’ll have your weekly light session now, then maybe- let me repeat, maybe, I will sign this for you to leave lotus with her for the day.” She said seriously. 

He quickly shut the door and sat down in the chair, and she realized she’d never gotten him to start a session so easily before. 

“Fine. What. Ask me anything I’ll tell you anything.” He said honestly. 

She sits back in her chair, folding her hands over her stomach. “Let’s imagine together. Say you jump into a relationship with this girl since you've been playing with the idea that she’d be a good fit for so long, and 6 months down the line- you two realize that running a business and being a partnership isn’t for you. How will you manage this? What have you learned here? We’ll start there.” She shrugged. 

Carmen sighed, mentally rolling his eyes. 

That would never happen 

He’d thought to himself. 

“I’d…” he trails off, thinking harder about what she may want to hear. 

“I’d - pick whichever is more integral to my happiness. I’d make the choice f’me not f’what mikey would have wanted. Mikey would want me to keep the business and dump her, but…like I told you. She makes life bearable. I wouldn’t even want the bear anymore if she wasnt there. I-“ he stopped suddenly, realizing how he’d really felt and going dead silent. 

“Okay so hit me with that breakthrough thought we just had” she pats the desk “cmon- let it out.” She encouraged. 

He took a deep, shaking breath. “I hate it…I- I fuckin’-“ he shook his head “I fuckin’ hate the environment I work in.  I-it’s loud, and it’s-it’s demanding, it’s stressful, it’s- it’s usually fuckin’ thankless most of the time... but it- it is…everything. It- was. It was everything. I think- I think that’s why? Y’know? When I first got here that I was so good. And uh…the fuckin- the inpatient nurses they’d always be so fuckin nice t’me and I always wondered why but…but I’m- I’m agreeable. It’s because I thrive under a demanding routine. They- they aren’t used t’that im like- A- a fuckin freak” he shook his head, laughing dryly. “I am still the freak. At fucking adult crazy camp. B-but the nurses they aren’t used t’people who just follow fuckin direction. But that- that’s being in culinary school, that was NOMA that- that was every fucking place ive been trained to do what I do. And I love it- I-i do. I like knowing what I’m going to be doing from the minute I wake up to the minute I’m in bed again, a-and I uh…” he rubbed his chin as he thought. 

“I um…I think that Syd? Y-y’right. But in a way, so so wrong. Because she- she isn’t my light she’s my darkness. She’s my peace. She’s my…my fucking midnights?”  He chuckled a bit at how stupid he felt saying it. “She’s…like- peace. She is what takes my fuckin view off the light. I’m a- I-I’m a moth. Mandy. I’m a fucking moth. And I can’t look away from the light, from the routine- from the- the- the chaos! I can’t! It’s who I am, it's what I need, it’s what makes me thrive. So no I- I have too much attention on the god damn light. Mandy! I need some fucking rest, I need some- some reprieve- some god damn relaxation?!” He said frustratedly. 

“Like- I-i- I’m realizing. Fuck! I’m not getting better Mandy I’m getting comfortable again!” he shook his head, running a nervous hand through his curls that were still damp from the shower. “She saved me. Again! She made me fucking..she- she showed up and she showed me that I’m doin that- that- that I need something to take me off routine because I- I get obsessed with it. So my fuckin light? My stupid light is finding someone who can turn it the fuck off“ he stood up, pacing anxiously. 

“C-can you give feedback? please? y’too quiet” he said, nervously shaking his hand as he walked back and forth from the window. 

There was light scratching of pen on paper on the desk and he looked over just as she holds out the form, offering it to him. “Bring by your light tunnel packet later I’ll sign you off” she said. 

“That- that- that’s it? That’s all? Y’-y’not like…” he looked at her confused. 

“That was what I’ve been asking you to give me for the past 2 weeks. Have fun today! Enjoy yourself. We will go deeper into my feedback tomorrow.” she said, Carmen took the paper and was out of the office before she could barely blink. 

He briskly walked down the hall, hitting syds contact and dialing her number. She answered fairly quickly “never say that again.” He told her. 

“Hello to you too?” She questioned. 

“Y’not - sorry. Y’not ever fuckin’ holdin me, er’- er’ keepin me. Or whatever bullshit you said before you hung up. I - I’ll always talk t’you” he pushed open the door to the therapists office cabin, heading down the stairs. 

“Oh- ok…yeah I- I mean I really like talking to you too” she said, he could hear the smile to her voice and just knowing she was smiling made his chest lighten tenfold. 

“Yeah…uh- so- we get days out here? Jesus feel like I’m in fuckin prison. But they allow us out, 6-11 - did you wanna go off roading with me Jess and Shay t’day? Shes been wantin t’go really bad- there’s this place it’s literally 10 minutes away. We rent a jeep and we get like a fuckin hand radio and we use it to keep in touch with the tour guides that drive ahead of us. Apparently we drive up walls and shit? It sounds super sick she’s been goin’ on and on about it since I was told I got my day. They both uh…well Shay had one of the days but she blew it on hooking up with this band member? I think? And Jess wasn’t sent here…by choice…so you would just check them out- but it’s nothing to it- you’re just speaking f’them that you’ll try to get them back” he explained. 

“Shit- uhhh- yeah! That sounds fuckin…awesome. So- like- we’d be driving? Have you…done something like that before?” She asked 

“No- well- yeah no. But I looked it up it’s not that crazy. And Jess said he used to go with his brothers all the time- he was gonna drive for us. It’s not like fuckin- daredevil shit Syd, it’s mostly like cool scenery we wouldn’t be able to see otherwise.” He opened up the door to his cabin, checking the trash to make sure they didn’t leave behind any alcohol bottles from yesterdays activities. 

“Alright- I’ll Uber over now then” she said 

“No- nah. It’s cool, it’s cool gimme a sec” Carmy said, putting the call on speaker and opening the Uber app on his phone.  

“What do you mean? You want me to walk?” She teased. 

“Nope juuuust-“ he said, stalling her for a few more moments “aha. Avery! Perfect. Avery, a nice looking middle aged brunette woman in a Nissan Rogue will be there for you in 3 minutes. I’ll stay on the phone just to make sure Avery is who Avery says” he said and plopped down on the sofa. 

She sighed dramatically. “you make it like we’re in Chicago right now. This is Big Bear California, I was literally talking to this couple and they said they don’t even lock their doors here?!” She said and Carmy heard her shut the hotel room door behind her. 

“Still, y’here f’me so…it’s my job to look after you” he said and rested his foot on the coffee table as he sunk deeper into the couch, the mornings extra 5 bales of hay beginning to weigh on his already bad back. 

“Oh- yeah, look after me - I will be sure to tell them that I’m checking you and your friends out of day therapy so you guys can look after me” she teased and Carmen snorts a laugh. 

“Y’know what? All this talkin’ why aren’t we searching for Avery mm? What if Avery is really some weird fuck in a black van ready to steal you cause he sees how innocent you look in your Uber picture?” He counters and she laughed. 

“Ohhh oh- yeah! Like your creeper van? The one you refuse to get rid of? I’m sure another fellow in a creeper van, you guys would actually hit it off! If this man in a van shows up, I think I should ask him to go off roading with us” she mused and Carmen laughed, rolling his eyes playfully. 

“Fuck off! You know how many times that piece’a’shit has saved us? A bunch!” He countered 

“Oh well would you look at that I’m looking at a Nissan Rogue are you ready for this license plate I’m gonna read it off. I know this is a presidential level transfer” she teased 

“Shut up…just send me a picture of it I’ll see you soon” he muttered with a smile, his cheeks heating once more. 

“Jesus! I’ll see you in literally ten minutes Carm. Try to take a chill pill in the meantime ok?” She said 

“Just get here I wanna see you” he said and hung up, his heart nearly thumping out of his chest. 

At least he was honest?

Carmy made the quick walk to the main office cabin once more where guests check in, waiting on the porch and leaning against the doorframe. 

When he saw the Uber was one minute away he finally stopped staring at the ride tracking feature and put his phone in his pocket, nearly vibrating with excitement. 

A white midsize Nissan pulled up and Carmy practically bounced down the stairs to open up the back passenger door. “Were you waiting for me?” She asked, sliding out after thanking the driver. 

He shut the car door “had to make sure you got here safe, right?” He asked, heart pounding in his chest as he pulled her to the porch by the hand gently. 

“I missed you too” she said, a bit…shy? Carm had never heard Sydney be shy before, something about it made his head swim that he had this effect on her, even if only for a fleeting moment. 

“Thanks f’comin” He muttered as he pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her back and she rested her cheek on his chest. 

“You smell good” she mumbled, lacing her fingers together behind his back as she held him. 

“You always smell good” he said and gently kissed the top of her head. 

“I’m not sure why I thought I’d be sleeping in when I came here, I woke up at 4 and my first thought was that I missed the delivery cause of the time difference” she said, resting her chin on his chest as she looked up at him. 

“When I first got here- let’s say the first maybe 12 days? I was restless at night unless I was cleaning. I felt fuckin nuts” he said and looked down at her. 

Her eyes looked like golden honey in the early morning sun, her skin was glowing with whatever sunscreens and lotions she put on this morning. “You have super long eyelashes” she said after a few moments, their faces mere inches apart. 

“Is that good?” He questioned, a small smile curling on his lips. 

“Mmm I dunno. Maybe? They’re pretty.” She said 

“OH MY GOD!! KISS, KISS, KISS!!!” Shayna chants loudly as her and Jesse walk down the row of cabins to meet them 

Carmen rolled his eyes, turning to face them. “You love to ruin a moment don’t you, Shay?” Jesse said with a grin 

“You two jagoffs are getting checked out by my-“ he stopped, thinking for a short moment  

“I should be offended” Syd laughs “your friend? Asshole?” she said and Shayna laughs 

“Oh my god Carmen! Stand up bitch!” Shay came over, resting her arm on Carm’s head on the way she knew ticked him off. 

“I am standing stringbean” he brushes her arm off and she slings her arm around Syd’s shoulders instead. 

“Since he won’t claim you you’ll be my girlfriend for the day” she said and Syd laughs. 

“Oh finally a taker, if I swung that way I’d be all over it” she linked their arms together. 

“Awww come onnn” Shay smiled “you look like a girl who likes magic” she said playfully. 

“Woooowww” Syd laughs “Magic huh? What kind of magic?” 

Shayna smiled flirtatiously “the kind with princess wands and special rabbits” she said playfully and Jesse laughed.

“Carm I highly recommend you collect your friend before before the succubus gets ahold of her”  he said and Shayna rolled her eyes. 

“Well if he’s not gonna take a bite” Shay teased and Carmy plucks Shayna’s arm off Syd’s shoulder and pulled Syd back to him 

“Fuck off” he said, wrapping his arm around her waist securely. 

Carmen was becoming snappy very quickly. He had just been able to admit to Syd somewhat how he’d felt last night- and felt as if Shayna was trying to turn her off of him somehow. But it was simply his blind hormonal testosterone taking the reins.

For Syd, every nerve she had was on fire. She simply thought Shayna was hilarious, and knew she meant nothing by the harmless flirting - but seeing the way Carmys fists tightened slightly at his sides, the way he watched Shayna’s every move. And when he grabbed her like that? He had never claimed her before, they had hugged- sure. They of course made out last night. But he had claimed her as his, at least in the way Shayna was jokingly insinuating they should hook up. 

“Awww shortstack” Shayna ruffled his hair and he pushed her hand away annoyed  “Fuck off Shay” he huffed “are we goin’ ‘er are you two gonna keep fuckin’ w’me?” he grabbed Syd’s hand, leading her up the steps and opening the door for her.

They had been led to a forested mountain by the tour guides, and had been encouraged to park and explore the trails a little bit. Shayna had begged Jesse to go with her until he got the message - she wanted to be sure Carmen and Sydney were left alone. 

“Do you-“ Syd gasped, her heart thrumming with anticipation as he ravished her neck with hot, open mouth kisses, that quickly turned into goosebumps after moving on to the next spot and the crisp fall air would chill the remaining saliva he’d left on her skin.

His hands were everywhere under her sweatshirt. Palming her tits, playing with her nipples between his fingers until they became perky and plump, gently dragging his nails over her ribs as he reached up, slowly rubbing over the supple soft skin with the pads of his fingers to caress her shoulderblades and easily unhook the simple 2 clasped bralette she’d been wearing.He tugged at her jeans and she lifted her hips right away. Carmy quickly unbuttoned them, nearly breaking the zipper trying to get it open, and pulled them down swiftly with trembling hands. 

This revealed the small wet spot right on the crotch seam due to the barely there black lace she’d worn akin to her bralette, since the jeans shed taken were stupidly thin in order to fit a weekends worth of clothes in one overnight duffle so she wouldn’t need to check a bag. 

“Do you think they- that they fucking planned this?” she breathed out.

Carmen could barely think - he was being driven by something outside of himself. The only thing he knew that he craved was her most sensitive, intimate parts in his mouth, as if it was the very air he breathed. The last 4 minutes had felt like an hour but yet, only a second to him, and what had been a small bonfire underneath his skin last night had turned into a full on blazing inferno this time around. 

He smoothly sunk onto his knees in the shared large footwell of the back seat. This had been made more than easy for him because Shayna had *conviniently enough of course*  thought that she’d dropped her vape thing Carm was always making fun of her for somewhere in the front and was convinced it ‘slid under one of the front seats’, and had even forced Jesse to also move his seat up all the way to ‘check’, but- it of course ended up being in her bra where she always kept it. 

He tossed a toned, long leg over each of his muscular shoulders, giving him full access to exactly what he needed. He trailed butterfly like kisses over her waistline from left to right, before licking a broad wet stripe back down. “I’ll owe ‘em fuckin’ forever if they did” he breathed into the crook of her thigh, before wetly kissing along the leg of her panties in tandem with the way he’d done to her waistband.

He got to the portion of her pantyleg where her lip was peeking out of the fabric, he took this opportunity to teasingly flick his tongue over it sharply, before pulling it between his lips and looking up at her in a lust filled haze with those thunderstorm like eyes as he sucked it gently at first, but gradually sucking harder until she was tugging her bottom lip between her teeth hotly, and her back was slightly arching off the seat as she whined hotly. 

“Where- Oh my god? - Where did you learn this- you fucker” she nearly cried out. He rubbed the sides of her thighs soothingly after her hips buck involuntarily, holding her legs for her with his muscular forearms so she wouldn't be sore on the plane home. 

He pulled off the plumpened skin with a pop, blowing cold air over the wetness he’d left behind with puckered lips and she shivered, goosebumps arising all over her hot skin.

“Nonono-” she begged “Carmy you barely even touched me” she whimpered “plea-ah!-“ she nearly yelped, looking down at him once more when he nipped her hip bone, before quickly soothing the stinging ache with his warm silky tongue and leaving a featherlight kiss over the slightly inflamed, aggravated skin. 

She gently pushed his curls off of his forehead in order to see his glazed over piercing blue eyes once more, boring right back into hers with a passion that made her stomach flip, and clench, and twitch. 

His cheeks were so flushed, she thought it was adorable how red he got when they made out, her excitement was thankfully for her a bit easier to contain. But this level? His cheeks were blazing red, the top of his chest and collarbones were splayed pink. 

This was because way she was whimpering and moaning under his touch was driving him to a level of horny insanity he didn’t think existed. When people said primal urges - he didn’t get the full scope, and almost had the feeling to laugh at that sentiment- until the very moment he was currently encased. 

Something took over him, something not of his own confidence or knowing- it was as if he was following a script, a hot, perfectly written- filthy script.

He’d buried his nose between the folds of her pussy that was still covered by her dripping lace panties that didnt cover or contain anything. 

Taking a deep breath, his eyes fluttered shut in bliss, getting nearly pussydrunk off her scent alone, his mouth watering so much at the thought of her sweet nectar being right there for him to taste- he was already nearly drooling.  

“You look so fucking pretty between my legs, Carmy” she purred, gently brushing his cheekbone with her nimble, cool forefinger over his burning hot skin. 

Carmen was so hard against his denim that his cock was actually starting to ache. He’d never in his life felt so pathetically desperate to please someone. 

He needed to be inside her, to feel her warm tight walls squeezing around his cock, to pound her absolutely fucking silent - and soon - but before he allowed himself that ultimate pleasure that the universe was handing to him, wrapped the absolutely breathtaking box, with stunning wrapping paper and a bow - that was his Sydney; he had to absorb every single detail of what she liked, and what made her feel good to memory, so he could play it back in his mind over and over and over, until he could recite it like the back of his hand if asked, the same way he could recite the hundreds of ingredient ratios he’d memorized in cooking school.

“And you smell so fucking good” he countered and nudged his strong nose firmly against her already throbbing, swollen clit, earning a small, sweet squeak out of her. “It’s the only thing I couldn’t imagine. Fuck but it’s so good, baby - everything- everything is so fuckin’ perfect” he mumbled against her core, licking a broad, slow stroke with the pad of his tongue up the divot he’d created in the fabric with his nose, savoring the taste of her juices that had seeped through the breaks of lace.

His large blue eyes rolled back hotly, his lids fluttering shut and nearly a whimper coming out of his throat at the taste of her finally on his palate. 

He had to squeeze his cock that was pushing at the right leg of his jeans to ease the pulsing, throbbing ache that started to grow worse and worse the second he’d inhaled her addictive scent.

“Carm you are so pussydrunk - are you fucking touching yourself?” she tugged his hair, pulling him up from her aching core. She realized his entire chin, and nose, was glistening with her arousal. 

 “holy shit.” She said at the view of him, it was stunning. “What fucking business do you have being this hot?” She panted, but when he opened his mouth to reply- she pushed him back roughly to where he was needed much more desperately. 

“That tongue of yours has sooo many better uses right now then trying to talk shit” she said. He obeyed her command like her own personal puppet, quickly tugging the useless wet lace to the side with his forefinger and gratefully lapping up her viscous slick, a gutteral moan errupting from his chest at the tangy, sweet taste bursting over his tongue. He nearly panted at how good she tasted, swallowing and sucking and slurping up all he could. 

His brows knit together in bliss, eyes shut momentarily as he enjoyed himself before he opened them again, watching her every reaction and focusing back on solely making her cum as hard as she possibly could, in the backseat of a cold jeep- that was. He figured that could cause for some negative advantage, but he’d weigh the advantages and disadvantages of how the could have done this better later.

He was in pure heaven. He felt her thighs tremble slightly against his neck as he swirled his tongue gently around her entrance, egging him on to dip his tongue in to her tight pussy. Her flavor was causing him to drool, the wet lapping and lewd squelching that was filling the backseat of the car was absolutely sinful. 

“More- h-harder Carm” she rocked her hips against his mouth, tugging his curls and pulling him up to tongue her clit instead. He very much appreciated her guidence, it was of course - anything he could have wanted in a partner regarding intimacy, but- she’s Syd, she’s perfect for him- they were made for eachother. They were finally beginning to understand this, well- Carm was, Syd was simply just now accepting it.

He loved being a student, and he’d discovered long before now Syd was his favorite teacher. This was a new subject they’d yet to explore, but Carmen knew he’d eventually ace the class, and it would become their combined favorite subject to master together.

He sloppily lapped over the twitching, throbbing bud, drawing random consistently paced patterns over it that were making her gasp and mewl beneath him. He was pretty sure he was going to cum in his pants faster than he would find to be not embarrassing, but he didn’t really care. 

“Fuuck yes good fucking boy- thats it- shit- y’re such a mess Carm” she said, tugging his soaking wet face deeper into her core. Her breath stuttered as she feels a sharp flick of his tongue across the sensitive pearl, her head falling back in bliss and hips jerking unintentionally, his name beginning to spill from her lips like an invocation. 

He set a hungry pace, slack jawed, watching as her face twisted in pleasure, soaking in every single sound. He was devoting every single gasp, every twitch, every mumbled praise to memory. One thing about him, he was efficient- so instead of this first brush of below the belt intimacy being about chasing his own pleasure - it was about making sure, next time they fooled around, she came three times as hard, now that he knew which exact buttons to push.

“Finger me - please - shit Carm, now” she ordered, back arching off the seat as he slipped in his middle finger, his other hand reaching up to play with her nipple once again. 

“Another- please- I want you to make me feel full” she demanded, whining when he added his ring finger.

“Yes- yesyesyesyes!” she wailed, “My god Carm- those fucking hands do you know how many times I’ve fantasized about your ffffucking hands- oh god- oh shit right there!” she cried out, nodding quickly.

“Don’t stop! Don’t you dare fucking stop, Carm-” she nearly growled. She’d never admit it, but something about him in this intimate context was bringing out a feral minx in her. 

“You gonna finally make me fuckin’ cum, Huh Carmy? How long have you been wanting to do this? Mm? I’d bet- oh- oh!” she felt the familiar heat pooling in her lower back, her toes curling, and feet pointed to the floor as she writhed and squirmed beneath him. 

He smugly chuckled a bit into her throbbing heat, even though he himself was nearly drowning in pleasure as well. The smile was quickly replaced by a pathetic whimper as she tugs his hair, hard enough to make him to look up at her “I wanna touch you” 

He swallowed thickly, offering her his other hand to hold and going back to his assault on her clit, continuing to pump his fingers with an even pace “Mm- C-Carmy- stop” she breathed and he sat up, but she grabbed his hand before he could remove his fingers. 

“You don’t….” she asked, her tone much more casual, but laced with a bit of anxiety “You don’t want me to touch you?’ she questioned.

“No- syd- no…I-” he felt a large rush of embarrassment flood his chest, but didnt dare break her gaze, though, in case it would make her feel insecure. 

“Uh…i’m like - fuckin wired right now, a-and this isn’t my van… y’know? this is a fuckin rental and i’m pretty sure m’gonna explode like… everywhere I’ve already accepted we’re gonna have to stop back at blue so I can change” he rested his flushed sticky cheek on her thigh that was wet with her arousal.

“I don’t have to like- take you out to touch you, come here” she sat up on her elbow, urging him forward with her feet on his back to kiss her. 

His wet lips met hers, an exchange of hot feverish kisses ensuing. She hummed softly at the taste of herself over his saliva, her sticky slick covering his nose and chin being transferred to her face as she wrapped her arm around the back of his neck, pulling him closer. 

He resumed the pace of his fingers once more, curling them in a way that her back arched sharply, a squeak coming out of her throat and hips jerking. He pulled away, resting his forehead on hers as he continued the pace, “tell me c’mon pretty girl - how do you want it? You want it like that?” He curled and uncurled his fingers against that spot and she went quiet, jaw slack in a silent moan

“Mm? Yeah? Is this how I know? Is this how I know I’m givin’ y’what y’need? Mm?” He moved his fingers quicker in to that spot. Her only response was her nails digging into the flesh of his back and dragging down, he hissed at the sting and burn it left, making his pace faster and more relentless. 

Her head dropped back against the window and she gasped out, thighs trembling around his waist. Her mind was fully empty, she let out a strangled “now-fucking Jesus Christ - Carmy- Carm-carmcarm h-holy-ah!” 

He felt her walls fluttering around his fingers wildly, her jaw going slack and hips stuttering and shaking “good girl, that’s it- good fuckin girl” he worked her through her climax, her cum leaking down his wrist to the crook of his elbow 

“Gah- fuck you- m’too sensitive” she squirmed beneath him, looking up at him, “fuck fuck- fuck you fuck you carm don’t stop” she whined, pulling him up to kiss her roughly, her stomach tightening and core clenching around his fingers 

He took his other hand, rubbing her neglected clit with his thumb and nearly fell on top of her when she unbuttoned his jeans, slipping her hand in and slowly stroked over his cock in his boxers “Jesus fucking Christ - w-warn me before you just grab my fucking cock d’you know how long I’ve been waiting” he breathed, trying to keep up the pace with his fingers but his focus was becoming harder and harder to maintain. 

“Sorry…mmm can I please watch you touch yourself?” She asked hotly in the shell of his ear just above a whisper, her hot breath fanning his neck and tickling his jaw 

“W-what?” He stuttered. 

“I want to watch you touch yourself. Didn’t you just say you thought about it?” She asked, gently rubbing her thumb over his sensitive tip and he whimpered 

“Oh my fucking god Sydney” he groaned, taking his fingers out and rubbing them over her clit slowly, causing her thigh to twitch due to her orgasm being so close behind her 

“Please? Only if you want to of course” she said, voice breathy as she gently played with his hair and rested her forehead on his. 

Carmen wanted to say hell no. He wanted to spare himself the embarrassment. He knew he was gonna cum a ridiculous amount. He knew the noises that would accidentally come out of him. But she looked so fucking sweet. Too sweet to deny. 

“Okay…” he whispered, carefully sitting next to her on the bench seat 

“Wait really?” She asked and smiled wide “really? Holy shit. I thought I was gonna have to fight for that one” she sat sideways to have a full view of him 

He shot her a playful glare “do you want me to go back on my word?” He teased, pushing his tshirt up to his chest so he wouldn’t make a mess of it 

“No, no. Please- please continue I’m honored to be attending this show” she teased and put her left leg up on the seat in case she wanted to touch herself while she watched him 

“Well like I said you’re right in front of me and the show may be short” he said, lifting his hips and pulling his jeans down before sitting and pulling his cock out of his boxers with his fist. 

“Holy shit” she sat up a bit in surprise “dude” she covered her mouth, giggling “i knew you were packing but like- a decent pistol not a fuckin magnum.” Carmen laughed 

“my dick is in my hand stop tryna to fuck around do you want me to focus or not?” he asked, but the comment did make his head a little bigger, both egotistically and dick wise. 

“Okay okay sorry. Sorry do your thing” she leaned back once more. She couldn’t help but realize that just as she’d imagined, he has veiny hands, and a veiny neck- his cock was veiny as well. There was a pulsing vein that ran from the base of his balls up his thick shaft just to the middle, she wanted to lean forward and lick her tongue up feeling it pulse beneath her tastebuds 

It literally made Carmen’s large hands look normal, or even small. He pumped his length slow at first, before spitting in his hand and continuing, his breathing getting quicker and head falling back. He let out small little moans and whimpers that were driving Sydney insane. Her pussy was quite actually throbbing. 

“Y’re so fucking hot- shit” he grunted, tightening his grip, his breathing getting more rapid and sharp “every- ah mmm shit - every fucking time I jack off- I think about how fucking good it’ll feel to- fuckin- god” he moaned “cum in your fucking pussy. I fuckin need it.” He rasped “so- so close. I’m so fucking close. Can I cum? Y’want me T’cum right?” he whined. 

Sydney couldn’t take it anymore - literally could. Not. Stand. To just sit there and watch him whine and writhe in front of her, and not offer to help him. “Can I taste you?” She asked, an even just hearing her say that- With a pathetic cry and whimper, he was shooting ribbon after ribbon of white thick cum over his stomach an abs, his head thrown back in bliss and hips rutting into his hand. There were stripes of white covering over his near entire torso, on his hips, stomach, abs, ribs, to just below his sternum. Cum also leaked down his hand and a few droplets dripped onto his wrist. 

“Fuck. Fuckin hell” he muttered, annoyed with the mess he’d made. Sydney stared in absolute awe. 

“Dude- do you need a doctor?” She teased leaning forward and licking a stripe from his navel to his sternum and he just watched, slack jawed as she made sure he saw her tongue was coated in his seed before swallowing and licking off another stripe. 

“I think I just fuckin died for a sec and came back- wait what the fuck” he muttered as she zigzagged her tongue over his abs 

“Why? I’m helping you clean up. You did warn about the mess” she stopped, tonguing over his nipple and he gasped lightly, his cock twitching at the action which made her smile teasingly. 

“Jesus you are fuckin evil” he chuckled, watching as she finished the job. 

“Your cum isn’t as salty as I expected. They must be feeding you well” she found her panties and slipped them on, plopping back next to him casually 

“Oh wow-“ he chuckled “so what did you think of me be-“ he’s cut off by Shayna flinging the door open. 

Syd screams flinging herself over Carmy’s lap to cover him meanwhile Carm does everything he can to cover Syd’s thong clad ass  “Sorry lovebirds we got a call - Carm, they found bud in my room we have to get back”

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ⋘ 𝐖𝐈𝐏 ♡♡♡ ⋙

[thegirlguide]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ glow up series, ep.2: mental ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

hey loves! i’ve decided to make a series on how to glow up, this is episode 2 of 4! today i’ll be writing about how to have a mental glow up, how to have a better mindset. let’s get ready loves, this summer is already great and it will be our best!

୨୧ have a complete reset ୨୧ to have a complete reset means to reset things in your life that are stopping you from reaching your upmost potential! try cut down on your screen time, deep clean your room, throw away things you don’t need or buy new clothes! all these things are changing little things you do but also helping you have a fresh mindset as they are one less thing to worry about.

୨୧ let go of toxic people ୨୧ this part may be difficult but it may be the most important, you can’t grow with people who don’t want to see the best for you. summer is great because you get to choose the people your spending time with (mostly), you don’t have to go out with that “friend” who constantly brings you down, you don’t have to text back that “friend” who you feel holds you back. let yourself flourish with people who will encourage and support you!

୨୧ have an “it is what it is” mindset ୨୧ the “it is what it is” mindset, means to just let things be how they are. let yourself freely be yourself, whatever happens will happen. once you realise that your life doesn’t revolve around other people, you will worry less about what others think and in turn discover yourself more and find out about the things that YOU want, not what others want.

୨୧ learn how to be positive ୨୧ positively is so important in so many aspects of your life. for example with friends, negativity doesn’t attract people, joy does! if people can see you as a positive person they will want to be around you. just complimenting a person or smiling at someone on the street can make you more positive. you also need to be positive towards yourself and your life, learn to say things like “you’ll be ok” or “you’re doing your best” to yourself, you matter too! positivity not only makes you happy but others around you too!

i hope you enjoyed this post and i’m so excited to continue this series! summer is so fun so far and i hope you all are enjoying it too! i hope for all the best for you all and that these posts are benefiting you too! my questions are open so if you have any feel free to ask! i love and appreciate you all!

XOXO, A

[blonde-and-cat-suc]

I really wanna start an anti catradora blog since there are so few but idk where to start, can you please give me some tips?

Well! First of, I'm very excited that this side of fandom will be getting another participant, and second of all, I'm very flattered that this question is going to me! I'm always happy to give some support xoxo!

All of my tips are going to be from personal experience both from my time generally engaging with fandom, and running this particular blog.

/ / / /

1 ) Try to be polite.

Yes, you will get people who disagree with you. The very existence of anti-fandom implies that we are not the norm. The majority of our main fandom already disagrees with us. And they might be assholes about it. Don't tolerate rudeness, but also, try not to feed into it, either. Not only is it terrible for mental health as the blogger, but it perpetuates this idea that the blogger in question reacts to negative attention. Which, if you've been on the Internet long enough, you know very well how quickly negativity breeds if it's allowed. Positivity breeds too, so I think it's in anyone's best interest to simply... Not be an asshole. Even if it means being the bigger person for a moment.

2 ) Pick and choose your battles.

"Battles" is a melodramatic way to put it, but I'm only using it because it's a well known saying. Anyway, this part is from the first part. So... the thing about being "the bigger person" is that... it doesn't always happen. I definitely don't let everything go by me without snapping at it sometimes. Well, I just think it's funny. I used to think it was way funnier in the past, too. Sometimes anon hate/fandom takes are really stupid and it's hilarious to share. But if it's not funny, insightful, or you simply don't want to engage... Don't engage.

3 ) Connect!

Anti-fandom is still fandom, and I personally treat it as such! There's still art to enjoy, stories to read, discussions to be shared. Community is not necessary, but when I was first putting out anti-c//a posts it really helped me to know that there were people that like, didn't think I was insane for pointing out things that bothered me! Especially since my choice in writing anti-c//a/crit fics is not an easy medium and well, to be honest, sort of requires that I know someone out there enjoys the fruit of my labor.

Yes, spop antis are limited, but go say 'hi' to the people that are open to engagement! We're mostly pretty friendly, and in my opinion, open-minded.

4 ) You are required to have an "on the nose" blog name.

NO, okay, I'm being totally facetious! Obviously, name the blog whatever you want, I just laugh when I see a new anti blog and it's something like "catra-needs-jail-time" or "catradora-is-dogshit". They're a handful of bloggers like that, if you want more to follow (the two I just named are jokes... As far as I know).

The real advice to be clear that your blog is anti-catradora/critical; or whatever other stances you'll talk about often. Nothing personal if that's not what you want, but make it easily found that you're not open to certain things, or you are open to certain things. I.e. I think that C//a are pretty obviously adopted sisters canon, and that point is very purposefully the first post on my blog (has been for two years), so no one is surprised when I start ranting about sister!c//a in particular.

5 ) It is never, EVER that deep.

Part of anti/crit blogging is that there's salt involved. Ranting, sharing things that frustrate us, being annoyed with canon... But also, it's really not that deep.

If I would have got this question two years before, I would have not added this part. But yeah, no. Part of why I run this blog still is because I know it's simply not that serious... People will steadily find my blog and the others in this community, and they will come around to their own conclusions on their own time. There is no trying to convince someone else on a POV that they simply don't want to see. There is no war against anti fandom and main fandom (though, some will have you believe otherwise).

The bloggers that are still active and open about unpopular opinions in 2023 are not people that stress themselves out or respond to every braindead take, they're not people who get attacked/overwhelmed by stans very often, they're not rude, they're not close-minded-- actually, I would go as far as to say that they're extremely fucking chill about this hobby. Passionate and dedicated, but self aware and self-respecting of mental capital/health.

And so, that'd have to be my last piece of advice.. Chill. It's just not that deep. And if it ever becomes "deep"... take a million steps back, and give yourself that space to recuperate. Your mental state is infinitely more important than an anti-blog, and no one will judge you for taking breaks or anything as you'll need them.

/ / / /

[secretsleuthexchange]

Hello friends and fellow sleuths!

the holiday season is nearly upon us again, and with that comes... presents! once again we're bringing you the Secret Sleuth Holiday Gift Exchange 2022!

what does this mean? this Gift Exchange will be an exchange of fanworks between fandom friends. this is an open exchange, which means it is not ship or character specific, and gifts can be made to cater what interests our participants.

by signing up, you will be committing yourself to creating something fun for your assigned Secret Sleuth based on the form filled out below. but shh... remember it’s a secret! any contact you have with your SS after you receive your assignments should be anonymous or through the exchange admins, to help keep the integrity of the exchange.

what can i make? we have outlined what gifts will be acceptable for our exchange here:

fanfiction (1500 words minimum)

graphics/gifsets (2 image minimum)

icons/header sets for twitter/tumblr (4 item minimum)

fanart

playlists (15 song minimum, appropriate cover art, and linked)

fanvid (2 minute minimum)

moodboard (8 panel minimum)

if you have other ideas, check with us to see if they are appropriate! we're always open to new things!

how do i sign up? using this form -- please provide as much detail as possible, so we can match you with the best possible Secret Sleuth and to help them create a gift perfect for you!

what’s the timeline?

14 October: sign-ups open for 3 weeks

4 November: sign-ups close

6-11 November: all gift assignments will be delivered in this time frame

2 December: check-in #1: we'll check in to see how you are doing with starting your gift - we will also begin scheduling reveal dates!

16 December: check-in #2: we'll check in a week before the deadline to see if you will be finished on time

23 December: all gifts must be completed & drafted, ready for posting

24 December: gifts will be posted starting on this date, with 5-10 revealed each day until we complete all gifts (during check-ins, sleuths will coordinate with their exchange admin to schedule which day they will be revealing!

what's new in 2022?

extra time: you will have an extra week to create your gift this year, with 6 weeks total between the date of your match being assigned and the submission deadline

extended gift reveal schedule: rather than posting all gifts within a 3-day window, we will schedule between 5-10 gifts to be posted on our blog every day from 24 December until we have revealed all the gifts

assigned gift reveal dates: once we've gotten matches and assignments set, we'll work on scheduling which day you'll post during our check-ins. this will help not to overwhelm people consuming your content and ensure it doesn't get buried in the tumblr tags / ao3 listing by other content

you will have the option to submit your gifts to the blog for us to post during the exchange time frame (good for those who might not have a tumblr themselves) or you may schedule your gift to be posted during that time frame (with the blog tagged and appropriate exchange tag used!) more detailed instructions to follow!

please remember this is an exchange, you’re expected to fulfill your end of the commitment when you sign-up and we want to create quality content for the holiday season and bring joy to all involved! if you do not think you can provide a high caliber gift in one of the acceptable formats, we would ask you not sign-up, but you will still be able to enjoy all the fruits at the end of the event!

follow us here @secretsleuthexchange or on Twitter @ssgiftexchange and track our tag #secretsleuthgiftexchange to keep up with the event!

please reblog and spread the word!

xoxo Secret Sleuth Gift Exchange team

[theblackfemininesociety]

This guy I’ve been on a total of 4 dates which he all payed for, drove me to and from we haven’t slept together yet only kissed, swiped up on my story I posted a selfie and goes “you’re so beautiful😍” and I was like “thank you ☺️” and he goes “I wish i can see you rn, id pull up on you” and I was like “did you go to a bar in cap hill?” And he goes “Nah i went a local bar but id be down to see you tonight if you down imma be up late anyways” Then sent me a picture on Snapchat of alcohol saying this could be us” I said “Oh okay haha I was kidding I didn’t think cap hill actually 😂 I’m sleepy though I just woke up, I want to see you too I just need to know before tonight’s not great” and he goes “damn I really want to see you though and Then goes “I really don’t care tbh want to see how big I am then sent me a Snapchat which I didn’t open then I next morning deleted the picture and the 2 other messages saying “damn I really want to see you tho and I really don’t care tbh want to see how big I am” ...I didn’t open any of those messages just half opened...the next morning I see he deleted the Snapchat he sent (idk if it was a dick pic, I’m assuming it was?) and deleted the other messages that said “damn I really want to see you though and I really don’t care tbh want to see how big I am”...he doesn’t know that I saw those messages but I’m honestly bothered he would do that? I made it clear I want a relationship and that’s my intention so why would he think it’s okay to attempt to booty call me or if I’m wrong see me this last minute? Our other dates he would always ask me a week in advance and never day of last minute...he may have been drunk but I’m just confused? He also hasn’t been talking consistently especially after I’ve canceled on him...we don’t and never have texted everyday even though he says he wants a relationship we have only been texting when he has initiated dates and he even called them dates too...I have canceled on him last minute and other times so not saying I’m perfect but don’t get why he’s behaving in this way? Should I cut him off?

Hey bestie,

I'm here to offer some perspective but we can't decipher on whether or not you should cut someone off. This is the challenging part of dating that we often don't enjoy, but it's necessary. I believe that his behavior was influenced by being drunk and in the mood, which can lead people to act in ways they normally wouldn't. However, it's important to remember that if a man is willing to do something, he will try it.

We're aware that men often prioritize hooking up, so it's crucial for you to avoid getting caught up in the fear of losing him or desperately wanting a relationship. Sometimes, in our eagerness for a relationship, we may overlook certain red flags.

My advice :

Stand firm in your morals and standards. If you desire a relationship, it's essential to reflect those qualities in your own behavior and expect the same in return. It helps to get a pen and paper and write this stuff out! Write down all of your needs, wants, non negotiables and boundaries. Additionally, open and honest communication is key. Make sure you communicate maturely and sincerely, and be prepared for the response he gives. Take things slow and trust your instincts babe!

Xoxo,

The B.F.S 💋

[gurugirl]

A Balancing Act Sneak Peek

A/N: I'll be posting Part 1 of this 4 part mini series next week (not sure what day yet but I'll be announcing it). This is a 1.5k word sneaky so enjoy! xoxo

Series requested by @cinnamonone

It had been a while since she’d been interested in anyone. And she didn’t know what Harry wanted but the night before she was picking up certain vibes. She could be wrong. Perhaps she’d misread the whole situation. But she thought it could be fun to get out a little. Try and move on from the trauma of her last relationship. She tried not to think of it when she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Moving on had been something she’d been attempting to do for a while. A fun night with a handsome pop star could help a little. If that’s where things led. Hopefully.

At the bar, she ordered soda water to start. She didn’t want to get sloppy, just in case it turned into something more than just a friendly chat. It was around the time Harry said he’d meet her. She’d give him a little leeway to be late since he had just gotten finished putting on a concert for thousands of adoring fans.

But when another thirty minutes had passed she checked her phone to find that there was nothing from him and no sign of his cute dimples in the bar anywhere either.

She waved at the bartender, “I’ll have a glass of house chardonnay please.”

She figured she might as well have one more glass of wine for the evening before calling it a night.

Looking at Instagram while she waited for her glass of wine she realized she had a dm. It was from Dante. An artist she hit it off with at her last art showing. They’d been messaging back and forth a bit but nothing had come of it. He lived a few hours away from her so getting together again hadn’t really been brought up. Except now.

Hey!  I’ll be heading your way for an art exhibit soon. Would love to catch up in person if you’re free. Would you be interested in seeing me again? I’ll let you know when I’ll be in town when I find out more.

Smiling she began to type her response when the bartender placed her glass of wine down along with an envelope with her name written on the front.

She looked up at the young man in question

“Concierge handed this to me right after you ordered.”

“But how did you know this was for me?” She lifted the envelope up and flipped it over to open it up.

“Because I have your credit card with your name on it when you started your tab. Plus they described you. It’s from a very special guest I’m told.”

A very special guest.

She pulled her lips into her mouth to hide the grin that was about to take over as she looked around the bar, still, with no sign of Harry.

Pulling out the contents of the envelope she took a sip of her wine.

Sorry, I ran late. Take a drink in my room with me? p1900 - H

Blinking her eyes she felt her pulse pick up as she folded the note and tucked it into her purse. She gulped down another bit of chardonnay and grinned to herself, already having completely forgotten about Dante.

So she had read this right. The nerves in her belly bubbled up as she waved at the bartender, Check please!”

After making a pitstop at her room to “freshen” up she realized that in the elevator the buttons for the floors stopped off at 8. After that was P.

Penthouse.

Hitting the P, she leaned her back into the wall as the elevator took her to the top floor.

The moment she stepped out of the elevator she was greeted by a man, “Can I help you, ma’am?”

“Oh!” She suddenly remembered who she was dealing with. Harry Styles, a world-famous, A-list pop star. Of course, he’d have security. “Yes, I uh… Harry invited me up-“ She reached into her purse and pulled out the note, “Here.”

The man unfolded the note and then looked at her with a smile, “Y/n?”

So he’d told them her name…

She nodded as he handed the note back to her, “Follow me.”

She figured this was something Harry had done before; had people brought to his room. The occasional one-night stand. Some fun for the weekend.

The man knocked at the door and only a handful of seconds passed before Harry was standing in the doorway, wearing the same comfortable after-concert outfit he’d been wearing when she left the venue earlier.

He smiled at her, “Come in,” and then looked at the man, “Thanks, Shamus.”

The suite was huge. That was no surprise. She’d seen a few nice suites in her days. Being an artist wasn’t always so lucrative but she was often invited to the good after parties. She had a lot of artsy fartsy friends, some very well-off.

“I’m really sorry about being so late. I just got caught up and then before I realized the time it was too late. I’m glad you were still at the bar.”

“Yeah,” she said as she walked around toward the sitting area with the large woven rug and plush couches, “about that… what if I wasn’t in the bar? I was about to go back to my room.”

“Well, then I guess we would have missed one another. That would have been a shame.”

“But you have my number. You could have reached out.”

Harry scratched the back of his neck as she sat down. She was acting far more confident than she really was. But this was part of what she did. She was constantly put into situations where she needed to be confident and sell herself. Her art was an extension of herself. So when she needed to make some sales at shows and galleries she learned just how to do that. Her art sold itself for the most part. But there were enough people who wanted her story. Sometimes, she was what sold her piece. She’d do whatever it took to not be a starving artist anymore.

“I know I could have. But… I hope you don’t take offense. I have a rule not to give out my number so easily. Not that I think you’d use it to do anything but I’ve just had some really bad experiences. People I’ve trusted have betrayed me and changing my number is something I have nightmares about,” he laughed as sat down next to her on the couch.

She laughed with him. She actually could sort of understand it. Being a woman was like that in a way. Giving out her number to someone could be risky. It was a gamble to have her information out there with someone she didn’t know well.

“I’m not offended. But I really thought you’d changed your mind. Though, in all honesty,” she stretched her arms overhead and leaned back into the very shockingly comfortable couch, “I was sort of looking forward to my bed. I’m exhausted.”

Harry leaned back and draped his leg over his knee, “I know what you mean. If I were you I’d much prefer a comfy bed than to spend any time with me either,” he laughed and then put his arm along the back of the couch, “but really… if you’re tired, don’t feel pressure to stay. I am glad you’re here, though.”

There it was. He gave her the choice. So he could have the green light. The thumbs up. He was clever. Telling her she didn’t have to stay but also letting her know he wanted her there. The ball was in her court.

“I’m curious as to why you think I’m interesting enough to invite back to your room for a drink, of which I’ve not yet been offered,” she teased with a chuckle. She didn’t want to seem like some pushover but at the same time, she felt a little flirty. She’d had such a good night at the gallery and she hadn’t been alone with a man nearly as attractive as Harry in… well, she’d never been alone with a man as attractive as Harry. And he was very much giving off the air of flirty himself. The way he kept putting his finger up to his lip, the eye contact, his arm reaching across the couch behind her… His body language was a dead giveaway.

 “You don’t think you’re interesting?”

Y/n smiled. He was good. Of course that was a good line to use on someone he didn’t know. She was wondering something very specific that he’d yet to admit. That she was there for some fun. A quick romp. He had a need that he wanted filled and so did she. The reason he’d asked her to his room was for that. Yet he insisted on playing coy.

“I know I’m interesting. But you don’t know me. So why is it that you’ve asked me here?” She raised her brows at him as he stood and walked to the buffet across the room.

“I felt comfortable with you from the start. It’s nice to have a conversation with someone new once in a while. Not someone in the industry,” Harry turned back with a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in his other, “and sorry I didn’t offer you a drink. Wine?”

Feedback/Thoughts | Support Me! | Main Masterlist

[apoptoses]

IA with what everyone else has been saying so far (this is me just piggybacking on other people’s opinions because not only they’re fantastic but I’m still not fully coherent this morning), and another thing! I always saw Daniel’s palpable excitement in PL about going to TG and reuniting with Armand as him sort of being in this “ok, you’re up Molloy, let’s make it work this time” mindset, he was not letting anything or anyone get in the way of getting his man back, specially not Armand himself. But it also makes so much sense and it’s so extremely in character for Armand to be doing everything in his power to avoid Daniel and the potential earth-shattering and extremely difficult conversations they would have to have if they were in the same room again for a prolonged period of time. That line about Alessandra cut DEEP jfc (also extremely in character for Daniel to cut straight to the point, blunt but never cruel). And also, I’m not sure if I’m only speaking for myself here but sometimes I have the tendency to gloss over said difficult conversations and all the hard work they would have to had put into making their relationship work again, and focus on the HEA outcome (it’s mostly all about self-preservation lmao this is someone who’s never been able to fully recover from Armand’s rant to Lestat in BC so I have to thread with care), so I’m extremely glad that you’re figuratively giving me no choice here and forcing me to read the difficult bits, turns out I’m enjoying them immensely 🥹 oh and their hands being “two hands of a whole”!? Armand fitting like a “puzzle piece” on Daniel’s lap?? Your use of “sanation” in the title!? I’ll never be the same person lmao xoxo DA ❤️‍🩹

Right!! Daniel is excited, he wants to make up with Armand BUT he's not gonna pull any punches here.

This is why I love him. He's blunt but not in a cruel way- he's just saying what he sees and how he feels about it, and I think that's vital for Armand who's so used to people who move goal posts around and are never honest about their feelings.

And that right there is why Armand avoids, avoids, avoids. Who can blame him when for so long his mistakes have had cataclysmic punishments? If he never has the conversation then he can never be punished. But life doesn't work like that and he needs reminded that Daniel is a safe person to have conflict with and he's just gotta hit it head on.

I loved the line about Allessandra and then later about Louis. Daniel just calls it right out and I think he's not wrong.

But there IS some stuff Daniel has been wrong with and they'll get to that. Between you and me, chapters 2-4 will be the hard ones. But they have to have these awful talks in order to have nicer times when they get to their destination at start to heal. But I PROMISE this is angst with a very, very happy ending and if you can get through the hard times with them you'll be rewarded with some great loving stuff too ♥

I love describing how they're such a perfect fit, and relating their relationship to a marriage. They're just so good together 🥹

I hope to hear from you once chapter 2 is up on Sunday ♥

[caratsnkisses01]

Financial and career level up

I have not yet received my first pay check from my new job. I’ve been out of a job since early this year, I’ve been living on a combination of savings, mummies money and heritage money for about 8 months. Now that I have a job again, like a kid in a candy shop I want to buy and do everything! However I’m looking into my financial decisions more and I’d like to put my finances into better places.. here’s a list of the things I’d like to use my first pay check on.

1. Skin care routine & hair appointment

I am taking a sort of softmaxxing approach for the next few months. I’d like to work on my looks and style a little bit more. I feel like the first step to all good things is to build a great foundation so for me skincare and a good hairstyle comes first and then I’d go from there expanding and building my portfolio of products.

2. Invest in a course to aid my career & finances

Now that I have finished university, I’m open to taking some courses. I have a need for education.. and if it will help me financially I don’t see why I shouldn’t spend money on a course.

3. Book yourself a nice solo dinner date

It’s important you have time to yourself. I enjoy being in high-class areas, I personally believe it’s important to constantly change your surroundings so that you can take new seeds of inspiration from your environment, I also enjoy time to myself so that I can recharge. These solo dates do not have to be expensive. I want to get into the habit of treating myself and exploring new places. I plan to do this every month..

4. Save 50% of your pay!

Self explanatory.. I have to start from 0 and make it happen. I’m up for this new challenge. I’ve never been the best with money but I think it’s good that I challenge myself with my finances. I challenge and succeed in all other fronts of my life except for my finances, I need to be more on point with it. Have clearer goals..

3. Apply for a members club, gym, sports club

Being around some new people is just what I need right now. I heard that it’s easier to find like-minded people at clubs that you personally have an interest in. So yes, sign me up. Definitely trying to get more into my soul friends and netwoking bag.

For now this is my payday list… along with some nice pieces of clothing. Will be doing a check-in post next month to see what I actually purchased.

That’s all for today,

Carats xoxo

[lurking-latinist]

Top 10s Meme

I was tagged by @thisbluespirit - thanks for the tag!

Rules: List your "top 10" (or up to 10 if you haven't written that many) fics ranked by kudos on AO3. Are you surprised by what's most popular to your readers? Then, under a cut, provide your ranking of your personal top 10 fics (with explanations if you want!), and then tag a few fellow writers! 

My top 10 fics by kudos:

1. Book Learning (Susan, Ian/Barbara) *

1. Doubt and Doubles (Five/Tegan) *

1. Ms Smith (Thirteen & Sarah Jane)

2. don’t worry, he’s with me (five ways Donna explained the Doctor to people, and one way he explained her) (Ten & Donna)

3. Anything Once (Inquisitor Darkel/Sabalom Glitz) *

3. Vicarious (Six & Martha)

4. Time Flies Like an Arrow (Witches Fly on a Broomstick) (Discworld - Nanny Ogg, Granny Weatherwax, & Magrat Garlick)

5. to all our nights and days to come (Seven/Romana)

6. Nociception (Seven & Ace)

7. Nitro-Nine (Thirteen & Ace)

8. Somewhere to Belong (One & Susan)

9. The Strands of Fate (Four &/ Romana - the confusing designation is because it’s sex pollen, but it’s subverted, but they still act pretty darn shippy)

10. XOXO (Six/River) **

* These got hit by kudos bots (personally, I blame Glitz) and I am not counting them.

** This might have been hit by a kudos bot? Maybe? I can’t remember. It seems implausible for it to be this high, but some of the ones that I know for sure weren’t hit by bots are also pretty surprising.

Well, yes; this is a pretty surprising list all over for me. I think the top... four... are all on there more because of the popularity of the characters than the quality of the fic. I mean, Ms Smith is definitely fun, but if I’d written the same concept with Peri I’d have gotten about ten kudos and been happy with it. Including the current Doctor is a good recipe for attention, as is including a super-popular companion who had her own spinoff. (*prays earnestly for an Ace spinoff*)

Further reflections on the top 10 below the cut, as well as my personal top 10; it got lengthy.

don’t worry, he’s with me also had the advantage of being for an exchange, which no doubt got it a few more reads than it would otherwise have had. But a lot of its kudos have been post-exchange: Ten & Donna are just very popular. I don’t like to run down things I’ve written for exchanges, because it was always my best at the time, but I was really stuck for this (one of the first exchanges I’d ever done, and before I learned to prune my offers) and felt like I just kind of squeezed something out that was honestly more like meta than fic, so I was really surprised by how many kudos it’s accumulated over time!

Vicarious is genuinely good, and it contains a New Who companion, and the audience for Martha being validated and appreciated is (it would seem) encouragingly broad, but it’s also got Six in it, which normally means I’m writing for the same ten people as always. (Love you all!) It’s been podficced and everything! And it was inspired by a mashup gif, so I think of it as a lovely example of the fannish ecosystem.

Time Flies Like an Arrow... is another early exchange fic--specifically, the exchange in which I learned I shouldn’t offer fic for books with strong authorial voices. Apparently I can do cod-Pratchett when pushed, but it’s difficult for me to enjoy looking back at it because I can see the seams. I’m glad people have enjoyed it, though! It’s got a baby in it. Nice to see I have been able to write babies at times.

to all our nights and days to come is indeed one of my best fics. But it initially made very little splash, understandably, being an angsty under-explained AU for a rarepair that about six people have ever shipped and not all of them at once. Then I mentioned it on a Tumblr post where people had been speculating about Seven in the Time War, and apparently it found its audience! XD

Nociception is very good, I’ll admit. But it’s not really me. It’s just Seven and Ace being themselves. I am but your humble chronicler. XD

Nitro-Nine is pretty much just excited flailing in fic form--it was written back when we were all excited that Thirteen was dropping Seven-era references--little did we know we were actually getting Ace back! It definitely benefited from the “posted like the day after the episode aired” boost. Not something I can normally do without access to actual time travel.

Somewhere to Belong definitely does belong in the top 10, although if I could go back and edit it, I’d file off some of the rough edges that make it obvious that it started as a meta post. I’d keep the metafictional elements, but I’d make them subtler. (I suppose technically I can go back and edit it. But I don’t like to make big changes so long after the fact. It feels weird.) It’s still my default headcanon--the one I use when I have no reason to use a different one--for Susan’s origins. (And I would take off the tag “NOT doctor/oc.” I have no idea why I was so worried about people thinking that.)

The Strands of Fate is very funny and charming, and a good transition out of the early phase in which I used to write almost exclusively gen trope-subversion ficlets. I still do all those things, separately and together, but it was almost the only thing I did for a while there. Also, it contains an undressing scene with my OTP, but not like you’d think, naturally. And (spoilers) it’s all just a leadup to a silly looms joke. And Heimeldat drew fanart of it. :D

XOXO, like I said, was probably a kudos bot but I can’t quite remember so I didn’t cross it off. I have written much better Six/River.

So now for my personal top 10. I couldn’t possibly do these sequentially, so I will just list 10 that I think represent my best and/or most fun work.

Of the popular top 10, I’d keep:

1. Somewhere to Belong

2. to all our nights and days to come

3. The Strands of Fate

and I would add:

4. and will not let me sleep (Six & Peri)

5. and opposition of the stars (Doctor/TARDIS)

6. Stand and Deliver (Six/River)

7. Paraclausithyron (Seven/Romana)

8. Like Sunshine Through Rain (Six/Charley)

9. Bestride the Narrow World (WtOVPIC - mainly Katrina and Lucy)

10. Blazon (Seven/Romana)

But, as everyone knows, the best fic is the one you’re just about to write. (So stay tuned...?)

If you have read this far... why? And thanks. I enjoyed rambling about my own fic.

I will now tag some people: @heimeldat @swinging-stars-from-satellites @strange-destinations @fortes-fortuna-iogurtum @dyonisia96 @ontologicalmoki and anyone else who wants to do it!

[haunthouse]

I posted 4,047 times in 2022

That's 1,914 more posts than 2021!

371 posts created (9%)

3,676 posts reblogged (91%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@houseinblue

@andromerot

@calamitys-child

@squidbroom

@kimsbian

I tagged 3,775 of my posts in 2022

Only 7% of my posts had no tags

#disco elysium - 537 posts

#art - 353 posts

#kaylee.txt - 335 posts

#mcr - 118 posts

#answered - 82 posts

#black sails - 81 posts

#poetry - 71 posts

#ofmd - 66 posts

#kim kitsuragi - 65 posts

#harry du bois - 63 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i’m thinking of swapping the buttons on this dress for strawberry shaped buttons ive had for a while 👀 maybe also doing some embroidery on (this is inaccurate bc i hit the tag character limit daily so i have so many longest tags lmao)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

See the full post

516 notes - Posted January 17, 2022

#4

i've ported my spatial horror reclist to notion to make it easier to sort and filter! everything is arranged by type, subtype, and a key describing what kind of hauntings are present in the work, and you can filter by any of those things.

check out the list here, and feel free to send me more recs for it!

edit 10/20/2022: if you've sent me a recommendation and i haven't replied to it, don't worry! i like to wait until i have time to check out whatever media's been recommended myself to respond/add it to the list, and i've been swamped with deadlines lately, but i prommy i'm not ignoring y'all <3

1,101 notes - Posted August 24, 2022

#3

absolutely wild how explicitly leftist leverage is. i just hit s3 on my rewatch and every single episode is like “hey have you thought lately about how fucked the prison system in america is? how about how easy it is for rich men to buy political offices? and also labor rights and how bosses keep dangerous jobs from unionizing so they don’t have to put in protections for workers? the fact that insurance companies can choose who lives and dies? companies in general being allowed to weigh actual people’s deaths against the cost of settling a couple lawsuits and choosing the latter? thought about all that recently?” and they just let that be on television in two thousand and ten

1,211 notes - Posted June 3, 2022

#2

also, because i'm still thinking about the disco elysium kids:

i think the difference in how people react to cuno vs cunoesse is really so indicative of peoples' reactions in general to trauma survivors. (...)

1,348 notes - Posted October 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

redistributing wealth (searchable pdf of horror in architecture by joshua comaroff & ong ker-shing) to the masses (tumblr users obsessed with haunted houses)

enjoy! <3 xoxo

5,086 notes - Posted October 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 14

♡ Chapter Inspo: The Archer - Lover (TS) ; And I cut off my nose, just to spite my face. Then I hate my reflection, for years and years.

♡ Summary: Winnie has a bit of a meltdown after therapy, this time Carmy is the one to help her calm down.

♡ W/C: 5,444

♡ Posted Date: 03/24/24

♡ A/N: Heyyy all! I am so happy you're enjoying this story! Thank you so much for the love and likes and reblogs!!! This is a 2 part chapter, C14&C15 are kinda twins, it was gonna be one chapter but I think you guys like the shorter ones so each is gonna be 5/6k instead of one thick 12k chapter! I should be posting C15 soon, still polishing it up :) Enjoy!

♡ Warnings for BTC: Anxiety, Panic attacks, Angst, Hurt to comfort kinda thing, Mentions of Domestic Abuse (physical, verbal,etc)

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂'𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱.🧸

I woke up, warm and comfortable. There was a weight between my legs, my right thigh actually felt numb under it. I yawned big, stretching comfortably, my knuckles brushing the plush of Winnie’s headboard. 

So I did come back here this morning.  

I reach out to my left, in search of Winnie, feeling a light crinkle under my grasp. I opened my eyes, pinching the flimsy paper between my fingers and unfolding it to read.  

‘Went to therapy. Be back by 4:30, please lock the door if you leave…(didn’t wanna wake you, you’re so sweet + handsome when you’re sleeping ♡ ) xoxo - Honey :)’ 

I smiled lightly, my gaze drifting down. I nudged the cat lightly whom had made a comfy bed on my thigh causing it to fall asleep. “Good afternoon- lazybones” I muttered, sitting up lightly and she mews, stretching out comfortably over my legs, begging for attention.  

I snort a laugh. “Y’know? Y’re a lot like y’mother- needy for pets ‘n love” I teased, rubbing her fluffy chest gently. She purred wildly, sitting up and sniffing my fingers before standing up, stretching out, showing off her daggers and flicking her feather duster of a tail and sassily making a show of walking up onto my hip, since I was sat on my side, carefully balancing herself on my ribs. 

She made her way up silently, and started licking the inside of my ear. “Aughh!! Bad! Shoo! Bad fuckin’ kitty! No fuckin’ way, cat!!! ew! Absolutely not nasty!” I swat next to my ear and felt her claws digging in to my side to balance herself, groaning- I shove her off my ribs and she makes a sharp “mrooww!!!” in protest. “Well, fuck off, cat!” I nudge her off the bed. If there was one thing I would not tolerate, Is something licking the inside of my fucking ear. 

I huffed, grabbing my phone and seeing the time was- 4:00?! I raised my eyebrows in surprise,

Great. Now my sleeping schedules all fucked up. Just wonderful. 

I clicked on a notification from Sugar, huffing a laugh at the drastic changes in tone from one text to another

Hey. Meant what I said, she’s good for youuu!!! Kiss and make up!

Check this lady out she’s right 20s are the worst ever bear it’s normal to feel how u do with all the bs 

Don’t have kids. Just had to go down to the school to bring bug home, she threw up. Twice. 

I chuckle, sending her a reply 

Wasn’t planning on it. Twice?? Don’t bring whatever shit she got to the restaurant. Hope she’s ok 

I got up, clicking the link wondering what she was on about, listening to the podcast of some woman go on about how ‘being in your 20’s was the worst period in your life’ I snort, nodding a bit to myself at the sentiment. 

As far as I’d seen, the last 7 years of my life had been the absolute worst- a shit show, a fuckin’ dumpster fire. So, the lady was onto something as far as that went. 

‘Now- I get it, listen- everyone in your life, has been telling you ‘relax, the world is at your fingertips! You just wanna take those fingertips, curl them into a fist- and punch them into a fuckin face!! Cause how- don’t people realize how scary that is?!’ 

I chuckled, starting the shower and grabbing a towel from the linen closet, leaving it on the counter for when I got out. Wasn’t that the truth. I am sick and tired of people telling me ‘just relax Carmen! You’re only 27, look how much you’ve already accomplished?! You’re gonna be fine, everything will be fine, you’re doing fine!’ 

But I didn’t feel fine. Not in the slightest. I felt fuckin’ lost. Ahead of the curve, but severely behind. Worlds ahead of people my age- but yet, completely socially inept. It was fuckin’ exhausting. 

She continued as I slipped off my sweatpants and boxers, pulling back the sparkly white shower curtain stepping under the water. ‘And let me tell you- people who say ‘oh, your 20s are the best time in your life, blah blah fuckin’ blah, no! That is complete, and utter bullshit! It might actually be the hardest decade in your life. There! I said it. So if you just let out a sigh of relief- i just want to say good. Good! It is normal and I just want to read this, this is a submission from a 28 year old listener her name is Candace” 

She went on about how some girl, had graduated from college- and realized that after she graduated, much like after I’d left culinary school, everything just went to utter shit. She lost all her friends, hated her new job, realized she may not like being in the field she was in, realized she had no romantic prospects after breaking up with her long term boyfriend - was constantly fighting with family, essentially everything she’d thought could never go wrong, went wrong, and she’d felt utterly lost. Something I could very much relate to. 

She continued on, ‘Now- Candace let me just say. Yes! And all the people listening and nodding along? I want you to understand, this is the average experience for someone in their 20’s. And let me just pause and say this this is why this decade is so fucking hard’ she goes on as I grabbed Winnie’s shampoo and started washing my hair, listening intently. 

‘Listen, it is the first time in your life- your whole life! That someone isn’t telling you what to do. Just stop and think, there is no playbook! Nothing! All you’ve known, from 0-20- is someone else’s playbook. Whether it be mom, dad, sibling, grandparents- doesn’t matter! For the first 20 years, every single detail had been planned for you. And it was planned for all your peers and friends too. That’s a huge piece- remember, from 0-20 you were all running at the same pace! You had vacations at the same time for Christ sake! ‘ she explained and I hum a bit in agreement to myself. 

I’d never really thought about it that way, it was true. I’d spent my entire life comparing myself. And now it has just gotten even worse since I’d left culinary school. It was my one crutch- but now? I felt like a fuckin loser.

 Everyone my age was married, or having kids, or graduating college. I had multiple offers to go to Technical College after I’d graduated culinary school, but I hadn’t because I was obsessed with chasing awards.It didn’t matter to me that I graduated top of my class-  I had to prove to my mom, to Mikey- that I was serious, that I had really been made in the industry. And the way to do that, was being awarded- not getting a stupid degree.  

 I grabbed the pink wash cloth I’d taken in with me, looking over one of her many different shelves of various soaps and being slightly overwhelmed at all the options, I just settled on the one at my eye level. Most of them were full, which told me she either didn’t like them, or it was too much of a hassle for her to try and reach them so high up.  My choices in scent were Butterfly, whatever the fuck that smells like, Beautiful Day, sounds flowery- so not f’me. And simply relax. I picked up the bottle, Reading the back ‘smells like a dreamy bedside bouquet of lavender and vanilla’ well, I guess that’s what I was gonna smell like today.

By the time I’d gotten out of the shower I heard the front door close and Persephone loudly meowing. “Is that my wittle baby girl? Is Carmy still here? Mmm? Keepin’ y’company miss baby?” Winnie coos. I smiled a bit to myself, slipping on a clean pair of boxers I’d grabbed from my backpack. 

I paused what I’d been listening to, opening the bathroom door. The steam floods into the bedroom - fuck. I didn’t realize the water had been so hot. I grabbed the towel, messily rubbing it over my hair to get rid of the annoying dripping down my back. 

 “Babe?” I called out to let her know I was still here. 

The bedroom door nudged open quickly and Persephone rushed in, circling my legs and mewing loudly. 

“Oh! You didn’t leave? Hey!” The bedroom door nudges open further, and when my eyes met hers my heart cracked slightly. Her hazel eyes were bloodshot, glazed over like she’d been crying. Her nose has been rubbed raw assumingly by tissues. 

“Are- is everything…are y’alright baby?” I asked gently. She nodded quickly, a small, sad smile curling on her lips. 

“Sorry- I must look like shit…” she started and I shook my head, stepping forward to her and pulling her into a hug. She melted into me, resting her head on my chest and took a shuddering breath.

“Never angel, how was your appointment?” I ask quietly, rubbing soothing strokes over her back. 

“Good- I guess..I mean…I guess it’s good when it hurts? I dunno. But yeah we talked um…about you? Well..about me. And about everything.” She sniffled. 

I rest my chin on her head, biting my cheek nervously since my lip was so sore after I’d bitten the hell out of it last night. “Yea? D’you wanna…talk about it? Er?…we don’t have to- but I’m here baby if y’want to” I questioned nervously, gently rubbing my fingers up the seams of her overalls. 

“Yea-if..if you’re ok with it-well I just..” her voice cracked and she clears her throat. “I’m sorry if I- I-if I cry everything is just really raw and It’s not to make you feel bad” she said and I kissed the top of her head gently. 

“You never have to apologize for crying baby. I know you aren’t trying to make me feel bad, I mean…I kinda wish I could let stuff out sometimes- but I can’t unless…” I trailed off sighing a bit, rubbing up her back and pulling her more into me. 

 ”I-I’m- I’m just so..so sorry, Carmy..” she whispered and I brushed her hair back from her shoulder, gently smoothing it out over her back. 

“F’what? F’what..baby?” I gently play with the ends of her hair, weaving the silky strands between my fingers. 

“I-if I ever made you feel like…difficult? y’re not hard to be with..I’m- I’m so fucking sorry…I’m so sorry f’r being so selfish Carmy, I want you I-“ she huffed a silent, shaking sob into my shoulder.

“Baby what? No…no angel it’s ok” I wrap my arms around her, rocking her gently. “No. No you aren’t selfish baby.” I said “i know you want me, i know. Y’didnt do that…I did that, I make myself feel like that” I whisper into her hair, I usually wouldn’t be so honest with my feelings, but my heart was aching. I had to say anything I could to get her to stop feeling so sad.  

I kissed the top of her head gently, she was suddenly feeling much too warm. “C’mon- let’s get outta this, y’re burning up, baby. Wha’s wrong, mm? Y’re not selfish, Win, why do you feel that way?” I led her to the bed, gently urging her to sit.

She looked up at me, her large green eyes tear-filled and red. “I-I-y’re perfect, Carmen. I-I can’t…I couldn’t…I wouldn’t want to d’anything…like to change you-you” she sniffled and I cupped her cheeks, sitting next to her. “I-I-I don’t” she shakes her head “don’t change f’me, because of me” she hugs me tightly. 

I felt tears welling up behind my eyes. All Claire wanted was for me to change. I took a deep, shaky breath at the realization, holding her tighter. “Thank you” I whispered when I managed to swallow the lump forming in my throat. 

She took a shuddering breath and pulled away, quickly unclipping the buttons on her overalls, “too hot” she mumbled, pushing them down to her hips and shimmying them off quickly before clawing off her long-sleeved shirt, throwing it to the floor.

Fuck..She's having a panic attack.

I quickly got up and grabbed her black NASCAR t-shirt she’d thrown in the hamper that she’d worn to bed so many times before, “Here, ye’? This is comfortable right baby?” I asked and she shook her head fervently, walking to the bathroom quickly and shoving open the door without mind, the wood slamming into the wall.

“Baby- let me” she cuts me off

“Where is it, where did you put your shirt?” she asked, rushing over to the hamper when she didn’t find it in the bathroom and mindlessly rifling through it.

“Wha- which one baby- y’re makin’ a mess…” I walked over, running my hand through my hair as she chucked shirts and underwear and jeans every which way.

“The white one carmy? Which other shirt do you wear?” she choked out.

“Oh! Oh- here, c’mere” i told her, walking over to my side of the bed and pulling back the covers, digging out my white t-shirt from the mess of sheets. “This? Right? Ye’ baby?” she nods and takes it from me, sliding it over her head and sinking into her side of the bed, grabbing her blanket and wrapping it over her head and neck, rubbing the silk tag against her lips as she tries to relax her rapid breathing. 

Seph comes up as if on queue, sitting in her lap and laying down, purring loudly as she kneads the blanket over Winnie’s legs. She strokes her tail and closes her eyes, leaning her head against the headboard.

“Sorry…i’m-i-i’m sorry” she breathes out after a few minutes of stroking her tail and trying to calm herself down. I carefully sat down next to her and tuck the blanket back a bit so I could better see her face.

“Why?” I asked gently, looking over at her. She continued stroking Persephones tail, sighing to herself. 

“F’r…For like- I’m sorry for bombarding you like this” she releases a shaky sigh, wiping her eyes and shaking her head. “It’s a lot every time” she said and I nod, taking her free hand and gently pressing it to my lips. 

“I get it, baby. Trust me. That’s like- nothin’ I get so worked up. Y’re really tame” I said and she smiled a bit, lacing our fingers together. 

“Oh no I had a full meltdown at the grocery store too on the way home, this is just the aftermath…they were out of cherry juice and I- I’ve been thinkin about it all week.” She shook her head, looking at her lap and covering her face with her blanket. “And I- I used the money on cranberry instead, and I tried it…and it’s not the same” she said her voice cracking again and she sniffled. 

“Oh sweet baby” I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her blanket covered head. “I’ll make you cherry juice, d’worry” I said soothingly, rubbing her side gently. 

“It’s stupid Carmy. No. Don’t it’s all stupid. Plus I made you upset. I don't deserve my juice anyway” she said sadly, slightly nudging my arms away. 

I pouted a bit at her words “hey, no- don’t say that, Win. You deserve all the cherry juice. That’s all you want, mm? Some cherry juice?” I held her tighter, pulling her into my chest. 

She rested her cheek against my skin for a moment, before nuzzling her cold, cry-slicked nose into my neck and inhaling deeply, causing me to laugh a bit.

 “Mmhmm. I do. But- You took a shower and used my soap, smells good.” She said and I squeezed her waist gently. 

“I did. Can you tell which of your 50 million soaps I chose?” I mused and she giggled a bit, my heart lightening immediately at the sound. 

“Mmm” she hums, taking another big sniff this time in the middle of my throat, but not without nibbling my collarbone gently before pulling away. “Floral. But herby. The lavender one?” She questions. 

“Wow- you have quite the nose. Even when it’s all boogery cause you’re sad about cherry juice” I teased and she looks up at me, pecking my lips. 

“Mmhmm. I have the best nose. So don’t go smooching any girls cause I know your scent mister.” She mused and I hum, a smirk dancing on my lips. 

“You do now? Go on then. What do I smell like?” I asked, curious as to what she’d say. 

“Well, cigarettes- duh. Hmm..like- musky I dunno like in a really good way though. And then a tiny bit of Y’re laundry detergent annddd” she nuzzled her nose right below my jaw and sniffed, humming in a satisfied way that made me chuckle.

“Mmm like…vanilla. But boy vanilla? Does that make sense?” She bites the sensitive skin gently and I bit back a moan. 

“Mmhmm didn’t ask about taste baby” my hand travels around to her stomach rubbing up gently. 

“What do I smell like? You’re the one with the advanced palate chef” she kissed the same spot she’d just assaulted to soothe the sting before running her tongue over it gently. 

“What part?” I let my eyes flutter shut and she giggled into my skin. 

“Ohhh naughty, dirty chef” she nudged Persephone away to which she meows in objection as Winnie took her spot straddling my lap. “Tell me both.” She said softly in my ear, playing with my hair gently. 

“Hmm…bready but in the best way. But it tastes kinda sweet. Like…” I huff a laugh through my nose at the comparison. “Have you ever had…Japanese tea bread?” I questioned and she giggled into my hair. 

“No. What is it?” I gently squeeze her ass with my palms as I explained. 

“It’s- well bread. But it’s kinda salty sweet, the first time I went down on you it’s what I thought of. It’s really good” I said looking up at her. She shakes her head and rests her forehead on mine. 

“Y’know. I think you’re the cutest ever” she said softly, kissing the bridge of my nose before resting her forehead on mine again. 

“Why, cause I think your pussy smells kinda like shokupan?” I snort a laugh and she giggled, her eyes scrunching adorably. 

“No. Well- yes in a way, I think it’s fuckin adorable that instead of being like- all turned on and thinking about what we were doing, you were sitting there being like ‘i know I’ve had this somewhere’ “ she said and I laughed a bit, my hands travelling up to rest on her hips. 

“No. In the moment I was like- I actually was trying not to bust in your face, like- as soon as you went down on me, because Y’re so hot. But- later. I think it was as we were falling asleep. I was thinkin’bout it. And it dawned on me” I said rubbing the backs of her thighs and gently squeezing. 

“My therapist says we’re good for eachother” she said suddenly and it felt like my heart leapt into my throat and I nearly choked on it. 

“Oh?” I ask and clear my throat. “Like- well…yea..right? D-did you think we were bad for eachother?” I questioned, my cheeks suddenly feeling hot. 

“No! No the opposite. I was hoping she was gonna agree we’re good f’r eachother and she…she did. She said that I just- I need to…like…be more open and stuff with how I feel so…yeah that’s why I allowed myself to tell you everything and..yeah..” she said softly, resting her head on my shoulder and wrapping her arms around my neck. 

I felt myself instantly relax at the admission. The affirmation doing wonders for my anxiety. 

“Thank you f’r tellin me, honey” I said softly, kissing her cheek. “I think we’re good together, too” I rubbed her back gently. “Cmon, let me go get the cherrys baby, y’want your juice” I told her. 

“Y’don’t have to make it for me, Carm. It’s..it’s probably gonna be alotta work and..it’s not worth it for stupid juice.” She muttered and I kiss her cheek. 

“Will it make you happy baby?” I asked, rubbing her side gently. 

“ ‘fcourse I love anything you make Carmy but I’m not gonna make you work on your day off” she said and I gently pull her chin up so she looks at me. 

“It’s not work when I’m cooking for you honey, it’s fun. I love cooking. It’s why it’s my job, even though it’s shit. It’s fun when I can do it in a more…peaceful environment I guess” I smiled a bit and she took my hand, kissing it. 

“I’m making you dinner then and you get a massage after” she said, gently kissing over each letter on my knuckles. 

“That sounds like a wonderful deal baby.” I watched her, my cheeks heating at the sweetness of the gesture. 

“Have you ever had- well. That’s a stupid question. You’ve probably tasted everything” she said, gently playing with my fingers. “I was gonna say have you ever had tomate farcies but now I feel..kinda silly cause- why wouldn’t you have had, it you went to culinary school in Paris” she smiled a bit. 

“You speak French?” I questioned and her brows furrowed a bit. 

“I didn’t- I didn’t tell you? Our grandma was from Quebec…yeah I grew up on French. You- you don’t? How did you live over there?” She questioned and I shrug a bit. 

“Uhh…didn’t. Really- I mean…I was either goin’ T’school or working. I went out like 2 times total. I know all the cooking terms those are all I needed…then I moved to Denmark and uh…yeah they speak a lot more English so it didn't make a difference” I shrugged. “I’ve always wanted to learn though, so you can teach me baby” I kissed the corner of her mouth gently. 

“Of course! Well..I’m not the best teacher, I only speak it with my gram on the phone when I call her now- but she raised us a lot of the time, we stayed with her over the summers cause my mom worked so much. I’ll show you what I know, We’ll start when you get back from the store” she pecks my lips before rolling off my lap and I got up, stretching my back that felt worlds better after a good 10 hours rest in her comfortable bed. 

“Sounds perfect. What kinda cherries do you like babe?” I asked grabbing my grey hoodie from end of the bed and slipping it on. 

“Kind of Cherries? I dunno…there’s different kinds?” She giggled and I shook my head with a grin. 

“Yes, there are, honey. How about I surprise you, yeah?” I wrap my arms around her waist, kissing her forehead. 

“Mmhmm” she said and kissed my nose. “Be safe please, there were alotta cops out when I was on the way back” she said and I gently tuck her hair behind her ear.  “Then lock the door behind me please” I told her and squeezed her hips gently.

I got to the grocery store fairly quickly, walking fast due to the rain that was only getting heavier as I walked. By the time I’d gotten to the store, my hoodie was already half soaked. 

I tugged on my hood, pulling it higher as I made my way to the produce aisle, grabbing 3 bags of sweetheart cherries before making my way to the baking isle for some sugar. 

While rounding the corner, since my head was down momentarily I bumped into someone, causing them to drop the boxes of cake mix they were holding “oh! Shit my bad!” I looked up at them, my heart sinking. 

I suddenly felt hot, my sweater felt itchy, my cheeks were flushed. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I looked her up and down, my mouth dropping in to a gaping ‘o’. I felt bile rising in my throat, my stomach churning with anxiety. 

No. No. Not her. Not now. 

“Bear?” The name coming off of her tongue nearly made me gag. I shook my head quickly, squeezing my eyes shut and pulling my hood up further. 

“P-please. No. I-I’m. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Claire- I” I looked at her, then the boxes of cake mix, then her again. 

“I-uh- have T-T-t’go. Um-I-please don’t um-“ I took a shuttering breath. 

Unless I slice deep, she will keep trying with me. 

“Don’t- I- we can never be together. I-I-im sorry, Claire. I’m sorry” I turned around quickly heading to the registers. 

“Prick” she muttered as I briskly walked away. The word stung, but I surely deserved it. 

I shook my head, trying to brush off the brief unforeseen confrontation, as I rushed I clumsily almost knocked over a display of bouquets with roses and sunflowers, grabbing one before it fell off the shelf quickly, and instead of putting it back, I paused for a moment, looking at it as I thought, before I took them for Winnie and continued my walk to the registers. 

I dropped the cherries and the flowers onto the belt and digging my debit card out of my pocket. 

I need to get back to Honey. Wait, Honey. She’s gonna have honey, her tea- she’s always drinking tea. I didn’t even need fuckin’ sugar anyway.

“Do you have a rewards card?” The teen at the register asks glumly. 

“No, thanks.” I mumbled, putting my card in the reader as soon as he scanned the bags and flowers. 

“Do you want a bag?” He asked, and I looked at him annoyed. 

“Do I-? yes. Yes I want it bagged” 

Like, cmon, kid. lets keep this conversation goin, hm? why doesn’t Claire just get in line behind me right fuckin now? 

I thought bitterly to myself as he bagged the 3 bags of cherries and the flowers handed them to me. 

“Want your receipt?” He asked, but I was already headed up to the flower counter with the bag and the flowers. 

‘If you get a girl flowers, y’always get em wrapped, bear. Er’ y’re just givin’ em work. Simple, but impressive’

Was what Mikey had told me once upon a time. I’d never gotten a girl flowers before now, but they seemed to literally jump at me, and it couldn’t hurt after the day Winnie’s had.

I set the flowers on the counter, “can I have these uh- wrapped?” I asked the older woman tending the flower section. 

She nodded, smiling warmly. “Of course. Beautiful choice, if you’d like- we have cards you can write a message on” she motioned to the little table next to the flower stand. 

I looked over them, reading the different choices. I love you, happy birthday, I’m sorry, Just Because I love you - no. Too much.

I shook my head “no. Just uh- just wrapped, thanks.” I mumble, shoving my hand that wasn’t holding the bag in my pocket. 

“Who are these for, if you don’t mind?” She asked as she removed the cellophane, snipping the ends of the flowers at an angle and arranging them. 

“My- uh. This- she’s...we’re…seeing eachother.” I said awkwardly, biting the inside of my cheek. 

“Ahhh ok. So it’s new love then” she said, placing the flowers atop brown paper. 

My cheeks heat and I swallow thickly. She wasn’t wrong but it wasn’t right to call it love..yet. 

“I-I guess…maybe.” I said and she tied them up with twine around the paper, covering them in a clear plastic bag before sliding them in a brown paper one. 

“Stay dry out there” she told me and I nodded, heading towards the doors. 

“Thanks” I said simply, feeling too anxious to say anything else. 

If it hadn’t been pouring, I’d have taken my cigarettes out as soon as I got outside, but unfortunately for me- my hoodie was beginning to get soaked through, and I was starting to shiver because of the wind that was quickly picking up. 

The last fuckin’ thing I need right now is to be sick.

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

I turned back to the tv, paying attention to a random Criminal Minds episode i’d put on in the living room while I cooked, watching as I cored the 8 tomatoes whilst waiting for the rice to finish boiling. 

This would be the only recipe I could bring to the table in our relationship, other than a few very simple dishes from my childhood my Gram had taught me how to cook plus my easy breakfasts, I was fairly lost in the kitchen. 

But I’d felt proud that at least one night he could let someone make something for him. I scooped the cores into the trash, saving the little lids. 

I was feeling much better now that I’d gotten paid and Sephys (as well as my own) food supplies weren’t dwindling. The cost of therapy ate up most of my checks, then rent, then utilities. So at the end of every month I was left pretty dry. I did whatever I could to not call Gram and ask her to spare me some money, it had happened a few times though, each time I did I was near an eviction notice or my lights getting shut off.

Even though she was insistent whenever I called that if I was struggling she’d be more then happy to send money and help out, I knew she kept tabs with mom, and whatever I said could make its way back to her. And the last thing I needed was her thinking I was failing out here, especially her. I’d never hear the end of it. 

I carefully chopped the onion the way my Gram taught me, chopping vegetables was much easier then meat, to me anyway. So my attempt came out much better then the chicken I’d murdered at lunch with Carmy the other day. 

Sephy jumps up on the counter and I gasp “seph! No! Naughty! Carm would have a heart attack” I quickly pick her up, going and putting her down on her cat tree. “You sleep here. You know that missy” 

I sighed softly to myself, padding over to the sink and washing my hands, drying them off quickly on Carmys shirt before going back to the onions. 

By the time I’d gotten the tomatoes stuffed and in the oven, as well as done a little cleaning of the kitchen, 

I’d laid down on the couch, remembering to set a timer for the food in the oven. I found myself getting drowsy, ending up falling asleep for what felt like 15 minutes until there was a soft knock at the door. I woke up, rubbing my eyes and humming happily to myself, going over and looking in the peephole to see darkness. 

I rolled my eyes playfully, “Carmy- c’mon. I know it’s you” I unlocked the door and as soon as I did it was forcefully thrown open, so hard that it left a mark on the wall. I jumped back in surprise and I swore my vision went fuzzy when I saw who it was. 

“I’ve been told you need me again, darling” he shut the door behind him, locking it swiftly.  

I’m trapped. 

“Joe- Joe..Joe…leave. Please leave” I said, backing up quickly, nearly tripping over my shoes in the entry hall. 

“No. No. I told you I tooold you” he approaches me slowly, like a snake hunting a mouse. 

“I don’t belong to you, anymore Joe” I tried to sound confident and menacing, but my voice came out much weaker then I intended. 

“Winnie, my sweet, sweet little Winnie the Pooh” he backs me into the corner of the living room, gently brushing his cold boney fingers over my cheek. 

I hadn’t even realized I’d been crying, until he swipes his forefinger up my skin and brings it to his lips, humming in satisfaction. 

Sick fuck. 

“It’s okay baby, I won’t hurt you unless you try to scream, you remember the rules, don’t you, be a good girl, and I give you what you need” he grabs my jaw roughly, knocking my head back into the wall for good measure. 

“What are the fucking rules, Winnow, say it” he growls. 

I’m never going to escape him. 

“I guess I have to remind you what happens when you don’t listen to me” he seethed in my ear and I felt my body go entirely numb with fear. 

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡ ⋙

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

I posted 620 times in 2022

167 posts created (27%)

453 posts reblogged (73%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@acklesforlife

@whatareyousearchingfordean

@lastcallatrockysbar

@jensensgotyoudean

@talesmaniac89

I tagged 613 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#jensen ackles - 164 posts

#the boys - 100 posts

#soldier boy - 70 posts

#dean winchester - 57 posts

#fic rec - 54 posts

#alex writes - 28 posts

#danneel ackles - 28 posts

#alex answers - 27 posts

#accidentally in love - 26 posts

#supernatural - 23 posts

Longest Tag: 92 characters

#someone really reported my ao3 account because i tagged fics supernatural and rpf separately

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Out Of The Fire

Summary: After a tough call that leaves the whole station exhausted, Dean searches out Y/n for company. Only problem is, she is less than thrilled to see him in her room.  

Pairing: Firefighter!Dean Winchester x Firefighter!Reader

Word Count: 2.9K+

Warnings: Language, angst, sexism, sexist treatment by a superior

Author’s Note: This was written for @msmarvelouswinchester​ 1K follower challenge. My two prompts were ‘friends with benefits’ and ‘do you want me to leave?’. I had a joy writing this and putting a twist on what you would expect. Please enjoy xo Alex

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119 notes - Posted January 30, 2022

#4

Accidentally In Love

Part Two

Summary: Dean finds out what brought his best friend to his doorstep in tears

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader (eventual)

Word Count: 1.4K+

Warnings: Language

Author’s Note: Well, it's finally here, the next installment of this series! I'm genuinely sorry the muse went on vacation for this fic but she's back (for now). Also, I know it's not super long again but this story is meant to be a quick and fast read. It's meant to feel like a 90-minute rom-com so please don't expect a novel here. Anyway, thanks to all the readers xoxo Alex

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119 notes - Posted March 26, 2022

#3

Soldier Boy: “I didn’t mean to hurt those people. I’m not a bad guy.”

Me:

122 notes - Posted June 25, 2022

#2

Off My Mind

Summary: She never meant to fall into bed with Dean Winchester again, so how could she expect this time to be any different?

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 1.2K+

Warnings: Language, angst, suicidal ideation, unprotected sexual intercourse 

Author’s Note: As Lemony Snicket once said “If you are interested in happy endings, you are better off reading some other book”. You have been warned. Inspired by the song of the same title by Radio Company. xoxo Alex

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144 notes - Posted March 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Jensen: “I didn’t anticipate what it would smell like”

Eric: “what did it smell like?”

Jensen: “dirty sex”

BRUH WHAT?!?!?

x

306 notes - Posted June 3, 2022

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