#so to me it probably describes my gender experience. but in the sense that if you asked me what I am I'd tell you I'm a man

[abyssalzones]

I'm probably nonbinary but I have college so idrc about that rn

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

first of all, this is all legit, and not bait, though i have a feeling it may come off that way, this did happen to me. please don't publish if tumblr sends it off anon.

i'm a lesbian with gender dysphoria, and while i haven't had much sexual experience, i would consider myself a stone top. in the last year and a half i began reading "terf"/radical feminist writings and reading "terf" tumblr blogs fairly actively, largely out of frustration with misogyny i was experiencing IRL. though i never engaged with the community i did stop identifying as genderfluid and started understanding my dysphoria as stemming from the trauma of being bullied by other girls for having a high-androgen DSD, and using different pronouns/transition thoughts as unhealthy coping mechanisms. i'm happy with this, but i also don't know if i'm attracted to women anymore.

i've always been attracted to women in a way that's stereotypically guy-like; i find feminine women very attractive and not so much fellow(?) butches, want to penetrate with a strap on, don't like bush much, cursory interest in BDSM/daddy kink. i read/watched het erotica and porn sometimes and identified with the man. what i read problematized pretty much every aspect of that- femininity as a cage, penetration as violence/straps as disidentification w the female body, infantilization of women, bdsm as abuse etc. also, desisting making me more conscious of dysphoria/knowledge of how extensive sexual dimorphism is putting me off both women with larger breasts and hips AND smaller breasts and hips/unrealistically masculine body types as well. so a lot of what turned me on before isn't arousing anymore, or i feel guilty about it, and i haven't been able to find butch4butch stuff which is much healthier very interesting.

i consider my sexuality healthier now on a political level but my ability to get aroused/jerk off has plummeted (used to be i could jork it sunrise to sunset) and thinking about being in a relationship w another woman makes me feel uneasy and weird, especially since a lot of what i read emphasized reciprocative cunnilingus/tribbing (which i don't like) as the healthiest sex options. i also think about both my dysphoria and my sexuality issues 100x more than i did before, even though i was promised the opposite (freedom from dysphoria and feeling happier as a lesbian), and it's stressing me out day-to-day. i'm aware based on your general ethos that you probably think i'm a terrible person right now, but i figured it'd be useful to seek the opinion of someone who radically disagrees with what i've read on what i could/should do next, since i admittedly miss being at peace with my sexuality.

thanks for reading.

hi there anon,

it's a bummer that you'd think I would assume you're a terrible person based on everything you've told me here. I generally try not to consider people terrible unless they're actively being shitheads or hurting other people, which doesn't sound at all like you're describing. from what you've told me, you've been up to your eyes in some information that's made you feel deeply uncomfortable in your sexuality and now you're seeking out a new perspective to help you make sense of that hurt. that describes most of the people who send me questions!

it's so striking to me that much of what you're describing is very reminiscent of what's recounted in The Persistent Desire, an anthology of writings on butch/femme identities edited by femme historian and archivist Joan Nestle that was released in 1992. in various essays and interviews countless butches and femmes recount their discomfort with the feminist turn against butch and femme identities that too place in the 70s, when both roles were declared problematic recreations of heterosexuality and summarily decried as politically "incorrect" for lesbians. it's shocking to me how much what you've described echoes these accounts experienced by lesbians half a century ago - the disowning of women who are "excessively" feminine or masculine, the demonizing of penetrative sex, general insistence that there are "correct" sex acts that every lesbian is supposed to enjoy, and the deep discomfort and insecurity that this causes among people who don't fit into the very rigid standards of proper lesbian identity set forth.

here's a link to a PDF, if that's interesting to you at all. it's very long, so feel free not to read it straight through; it's a great project to skim and an incredible way to get in touch with the lesbians who came before us. their accounts of their lives are so wildly different from the boundaries of "good" queer representation that feel so universal today; in discussing their own lives many of these women speak very bluntly about their experiences with abuse, drugs, sex work, and violence. it's a great glimpse into the lives and history of a lot of very ordinary lesbians just living their lives, and I'm very grateful it's been preserved.

now, as for what you're actually gonna do: hey. listen. first of all, if you haven't given up reading this stuff yet, you've gotta. you simply cannot keep internalizing stuff that makes you overanalyze your own sexuality so hard that you feel uncomfortable about being attracted to women. that's not "healthy," that's conversion therapy lite. there are other places to talk about feminism without being made to feel ashamed of yourself.

listen: there's nothing unhealthy about anything that you described about yourself. being a stone butch, being attracted to certain looks and aesthetics, watching porn, wanting to use a strap and roleplay during sex and not being interested in other sexual activities - all of those thing are completely normal and, yes, healthy. certainly healthier than feeling the need to repress your sexuality so hard that thinking about being with a woman doesn't feel right!

should we run through that list?

femininity as cage - sure, okay, femininity isn't for everyone, and there are parts of it that suck. that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with women who like to wear dresses or put on makeup or shave or whatever, or anyone who's attracted to those women. genuinely I cannot think of anything less interesting or important to feminist organizing than getting hung up about what people want to wear. it's clothes, dude. it's fucking clothes. pick a more important hill to die on, I implore you.

penetration is not the same thing as violence. there's just nothing to debate about that one; it's patently absurd to pretend that every act of penetrative sex is rape and you'd have to fundamentally misunderstand how consent works to believe that.

straps are not about "disidentification with the female body," they're about augmenting a sexual experience. a strap-on is not more problematic than a vibrator or a massage oils or a pillow used to prop up a body part. unless those are also bad? are those bad? are pillows disidentifying from the female body also? I'm not up to date on this.

straight up I don't even know which part of your whole deal the infantilization of women is supposed to address, but a thing that I've always found interesting about a lot of radical feminists who are deeply distrustful of sex is the way that many of them seem to assume that women can't be trusted to understand their own sexual desires and need to be taught what's appropriate. seems kind of condescending to me, personally.

BDSM isn't the same thing as abuse. abuse, crucially, is not a situation that people can safe word out of or negotiate the constraints of. it's kind of like how, you know, I purposefully pay people to shove needles in my skin when I want a tattoo, but I wouldn't be stoked about it if somebody just ran up to me in public and started stabbing me without any warning or conversation. context is crucial. there can certainly be abusive people within BDSM spaces, but that's true of people of literally every sexual proclivity on earth, and certainly not an innate feature of BDSM. it's just make believe, dude. it's dress up. it's sex LARPing.

also, psst, hey. that thing about being attracted to women in a "guy-like" way? no such thing. men are humans, dude; they experience attraction in as many different ways as anyone else. for every dude interested in the same stuff as you there are men yearning for hairy women, muscular women, masculine women, women who will dominate them, women who would rather be eaten out then penetrated, and so on. to say nothing of the men who aren't into women at all! and, as is obvious from your own experience, men don't have a monopoly on those kinds of feelings, anyway! there are no men or women feelings, dude; it's all just people having feelings and fighting for their lives trying to figure out what they're into to.

I want to particularly talk about that last bit, where you mentioned not enjoying or wanting to engage in cunnilingus or tribbing. that's totally fine! people like different shit in all kinds of combinations - I'm personally a huge fan of getting eaten out and scratched up or bitten, but I don't do penetration and I've genuinely never met anyone who actually liked tribbing - and there are absolutely people out there who will, to paraphrase the poet Tinashe, perfectly match your freak.

(have you heard about the perpetual, critical shortage of tops that the queer community faces? you'd be a godsend, just saying.)

also, actually, hey I wanted to circle back to another thing as well: it's deeply alarming to me that whatever radfem stuff you've been reading has you feeling "put off" of women with wide hips and large breasts as well as women with small breasts and hips. what is wrong with either of those? both of those are just ways that women naturally look. women just look a wide variety of ways, and it's sad that that's upsetting you now. just thinking about this, conceptually, is giving me hives.

having been up to your eyes in all of this, I can definitely understand why you'd feel the urge to overanalyze you own gender and sexuality to the point of completely talking yourself out of identifying with anything that feels good for you. as I said, that's actually not healthy in any way, and as a sex educator I can't say that I think anyone genuinely invested in your well-being would want that for you.

entirely aside from their feelings on trans people, which I obviously disagree with pretty vehemently, one of the things about radfems that's most endlessly vexing to me is the insistence that such an extremely narrow range of sexual behaviors are appropriate. seems like a miserable way to live, and I sincerely hope you can detangle yourself from the morass of shame it's landed you in. you deserve better.

[angieblogging]

here are some harmful aro stereotypes 💚🤍🩶🖤

there are probably so many more stereotypes, but those are the ones that i see more often! also i already posted same post about bisexuality, so check it out —> here.

aros are heartless — most people think that, because they assume aromantics do not love, they love. they can love their family, their friends, their pet or even themselves (this one is specifically for my afamilial & aplatonic folks). there is so much more complexity to love than romantic love and anyone who puts romantic love above all else is lame. like im sorry, but romantic love isn’t somehow better from self-love or love to your friends or family.

aro and ace are the same — this is also about asexuality, but aro ≠ ace. i see some people use the term asexual to describe both the aro & ace experience and to me it makes no sense since they’re completely different things. aro & ace can co-exist and one person can be on both spectrums, but that doesn’t mean all people are the same, not all aros are ace, not all aces are aro. so what is aro & ace? both are a spectrum. if you are aromantic you do not feel romantic attraction OR feel it under certain circumstances only (ex. when you know someone well, when someone likes you you like them back or until someone likes you back you like them). if you’re asexual that means you do not feel sexual attraction OR only feel it under certain circumstances.

aros can’t date — aros can in fact date, some people on the arospec experience attraction (rarely or under certain circumstances) so it makes sense they can date. there are also aros that do not experience romantic attraction, some date even though they do not experience the same feeling. they can like the person, care for them deeply and affectionately, but it is simply not romantic love, but they can chose to date the person. not all aros are loveless or romance repulsed.

i can ship xyz, aros can date — this is targeted tbh, i keep seeing people bring this up in Yelena Belova discourse about her aromanticism, while it is true aros can date, some chose not to, some are simply not interested in it and if a character in canon is showing no interest in romance or is repulsed by it, they don’t need to be fixed, they don’t need to be put in a relationship, they can just exist in peace. i especially dislike allos shipping aro/ace characters because they just see them as allo at that point, like im sorry, but they don’t give a shit about aros if they can’t listen to them explaining why you shouldn’t ship a specific aro character.

aros aren’t valid — bs. just bs. they are valid, whether you’re a man, a woman, a gender outside of the binary, whether you’re asexual as well or not, whether you want to date or not, you are valid as long as the definition applies to you!!! honestly here’s how i can explain being aro: if you are straight you are only attracted to opposite gender, so you don’t like same-sex, so just like you don’t like same-sex, aro’s don’t like same-sex & opposite gender.

[davidtennantgenderenvy]

My Two Cents On The “ Is David Tennant Queer” Drama

As some of you know, I spent a solid third of the past year working on a movie-length video essay about David Tennant. This video essay features an eight minute section titled “Gender, Vulnerability, and Why David Tennant Is A Queer Icon”, which does not speculate on David’s own sexuality, but discusses the queer coding and subversion of gender norms in plenty of his roles and his importance as an ally to the LGBT community. At the same time, I was also coming to terms with my own identity as nonbinary and bisexual, and it ended up playing a crucial role in me finally working up the courage to come out to my parents. Characters like Crowley and the Doctor, both in terms of how they present themselves and how and who they love, have been absolutely instrumental in me developing my queer identity, and my comments section was full of people who had had similar experiences, who’d realized they were trans, nonbinary, gay, etc thanks to David and his characters. And as a result, I won’t deny that if David himself were to be queer, it would mean a lot to me.

Do I think David is queer? It’s certainly possible. I see a lot of how I express my queerness in how david chooses to express himself, most prominently through his frequent queer coding of characters who don’t necessarily have to be played as such. This can especially be seen through his Shakespeare characters, such as Richard, Hamlet, and some would argue Benedick as well. When I was 15 I played Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet, who I chose to play as a closeted young gay man harboring an unrequited crush on Romeo. I think I saw this role subconsciously as an outlet for my own repressed queerness, both of gender and sexuality, as I had experienced an unrequited crush on my female best friend the previous year which I was still in denial about. I’ve described my gender identity as “a girl with a chaotic tortured gay man inside of her that needs to be let out every once in a while”, which has never been more true than with Mercutio- a character who I might add, I took a great deal of inspiration from David when playing! In terms of using roles as an outlet for one’s queerness, I could absolutelt see this being true with David, especially when it comes to Crowley, who seems to have had an impact on David’s style, behavior, etc in a rather similar way to how he’s impacted me. I don’t want to act like David wearing pink docs means he must be gay, I think people should be allowed to wear whatever they want regardless of sexuality, but taken in conjunction with so many other things about him, it does make one wonder, and the fact that a seemingly straight man has been so many people’s queer awakening is a bit puzzling to say the least. I won’t pretend that these “signs” (if you interpret them that way), haven’t been increasing somewhat in the past year, and if I got to share my own coming out journey with the man who inspired it, I would be absolutely thrilled. I also can’t specifically think of an instance where David has SAID he is straight, as opposed to Taylor swift, who has.

With all of that said, where I personally draw the line is when mere speculation crosses into interfering with the subject’s personal relationships and the sense that one is OWED something. I believe that what matters to David more than anything is being a husband and a father. I believe he adores Georgia and his children and would not do anything in the world that he believes would jeopardize his family. As happy as I would be for David if he were to come out (probably as bi) I realize that that would put so much unwanted attention on his marriage and family and I think that’s the last thing he wants. I don’t think it’s IMPOSSIBLE that he and Michael Sheen are having a passionate love affair behind everyone’s backs, but I absolutely don’t consider it my place to insist that they are, because as much as I may feel like I do, I don’t know these people! And besides, if David were cheating on Georgia, he really would not be the person I thought he was.

So many queer people see themselves in David and his characters, and that is beautiful. And I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with having theories that David might be queer himself. However, it must be acknowledged that these theories are THEORIES, and they should not be used to invalidate people’s real life relationships- after all, it’s totally possible to be bi/pan and also be in a loving and healthy heterosexual relationship like David and Georgia at least seem to be in! If David were in fact “one of us”, I would welcome him with the openest of open arms, but unless and until he himself decides to proclaim himself that way, I will not expect anything of him other than to be the incredible artist and person we know and love.

[overtaken-stream]

α!Gagamaru Gin x Gn! β!Reader headcanon

Omegaverse is my guilty pleasure don't @ me.

Warnings: Gagamaru is a bit weird, Silly even(he's insane)

There is always that distinctive scent lingering on you, the smell that you try to explain but your vague ability stops you from pointing it out precisely. It must be strong if your nose can pick it out. So misty, cold, and incredibly familiar. No matter how many times you wash the school uniform and scrub your skin red, it comes back the next day, at what time you can never point it out, however, it's evident that it's from school.

Gin is all-natural through and through (except when it comes to his hair), and the perfumes often irritate his sensitive nose, same with sweet-smelling shampoos and body wash, he believes that they are artificial smells that stain people's true character, he has also found that those who use fake odors have many insecurities to hide, be it their second gender or their natural aroma is an unfavored one in society, it does not bother him, but he has never favored deceit. Gin believes that his smell is quite pleasant, probably influenced by all the time he and his family spent hiking when he was a pup. It reminds him of the scent of rain, petrichor was what the doctor called it when he presented. A compliment that his brain only remembered because of the correct adjective used to describe his recently discovered asset.

He remembers it all too well, the overwhelming mix of raw and false fragrances in his middle school class, packed in a classroom with no windows open. He couldn't help the scrunched nose showing on his face every day, trying to find clean air to breathe without the biological chemicals burning off his nose, for the first time in his life, Gin could clearly express his emotion all thanks to newly flowered instincts and his personal preference. It was a shame it had to be distaste. As a pup, he dreamed of having long limbs to hike with, cross the rivers, and climb on rocks without his father helping him, but if this is what it's like to be a grown-up, smelling all the smelly smells that smell bad or good, he would rather be a pup forever.

His keen hearing and eyesight are no match for his sense of smell, but now he could pick out his parent's residual odor on the school campus, hours after they've left.

Maybe it was his bias that made him favor Betas more than Omegas and Alphas, the natural and soft undertones in a society full of suffocating chemicals were liberating for Gin.

His nose was able to smell the uplifting aroma that you contained, weaker than ever hidden behind countless scents. It stayed like that between you and Gin, him enjoying your smell from the other side of the classroom while you took notes and never glanced in his direction, your nose is weaker than others, never truly being able to sense the intense pheromones swirling around.

His communication is not the best, however, he does not care enough to improve it anymore. Some view his nonchalant attitude and simple words as a negative trait. He wonders what you will think of it.

With a bag tossed over your shoulder, you stroll the chilly hallways, getting closer and closer to your destination. But just as you are about to grab ahold of the handle to open the door to the classroom, it harshly unlocks itself. An unexpected occurrence makes you softly jump on your feet before even noticing the figure standing on the other side, staring down at you with a curious tint in his round eyes, he casts a shadow on you.

``Oh I'm sorry, I didn't expect anyone...`` He says.

``It's okay...`` There is not a lot to say about him, even if you are his classmate, you don't know much about him and are not planning on knowing. As you make room for him to pass, you can feel his shoulder press against yours before he finally frees the entrance and walks away from the class. It was a confusing experience, but nothing to note of.

Gin figures that his favorite activity is scenting, his mother and his father were the first people he tried to scent, and kept their scent on him as an eleven-year-old pup up til the last year of middle school.

He is aware that leaving his pheromones on your clothes isn't the best strategy, but neither is leaving his scent on your skin while knowing nothing of you. He hopes that maybe he can change that, perhaps you will recognize that the cold smell comes from him.

Gin is a person who listens to his instincts, it's a skill needed for his beloved hobbies, however lately as you come to school without his scent, the active feeling of annoyance is hard to miss, he wants nothing but to drag you into his bed and cover you with himself, until your nose smells nothing but him on you the whole week, til someone can't differentiate Gagmaru from you. Gin wants nothing but to become one with you in those mornings. It's a shame he can only touch a part of you "accidentally" for it.

He wonders if his scent ever comforts you.

Gin will always find a way to scent you no matter what, so you might as well stop trying to clean it and start seeking him out since he is the only one whose scent matches with the one clinging to you.

The nonchalant alpha has never taken any bait thrown his way, so when his classmates start looking judgemental of his actions, Gin never remembers their words, he has already answered them once and Gagamarus don't like repeating themselves.

Maybe that's how you got to the bottom of your situation, rumors and rude words about him flying through the school until they finally got mingled with your name. So that's all he had to do to make you approach him? Hmh.

You speak so calmly when he left no roundabout way for you and made you go straight to the point.

You ask him to stop scenting you?

He likes you, maybe even loves you.

You don't believe in love at sight?

That's okay, he'll make you believe it.

The next day he puts his plan to work and brings only the best snacks for you to enjoy during lunch. Try to be nice after all, it's his first time courting someone.

[copperbadge]

Hey Sam. Considering some recent posts I thought you might be interested in this article.

A deaf and blind mind: What it's like to have no visual imagination and no inner voice?

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-04-01/aphantasia-no-visual-imagination-inner-voice/103649486

Hope you enjoyed the long weekend! Cheers, Kate.

Oh, thanks for this! And apologies my response is like a MONTH LATE :D

It's an interesting article because it's more about the study than the topic directly -- which is not a bad thing, it's cool to see people working in that space getting profiled and hopefully getting attention/funding on account of it.

Especially interesting was the discussion of ways of "having" thoughts and the fact that Derek doesn't pre-hear his speech. I do actually often rehearse what I'm going to say but primarily, I think more like Loren, when I'm writing -- I may, for example, get a question on Tumblr and go about my chores for the next half hour kind of mentally laying out how I'll respond, but it's not like I hear my own voice, I'm just structuring the response. And I don't usually pre-hear spoken thoughts -- I don't pre-hear them at all, but if I'm going to give a presentation or have a difficult conversation I will often work out some modes of speech/response ahead of time.

I'm of two opinions about the reference to the mind being "deaf and blind" -- my knee-jerk reaction is that it's an actively bad way to describe aphantasia, because it implies that there's an impairment to cognition itself, which I don't think is the case. On the other hand, we don't think of hearing or visually impaired people as lacking senses, just as having a different experience of them, which does line up with how aphantic cognition happens, at least I think. It's true that unless I'm actively working at it, I don't see or hear anything in my mind, and even when I'm working at it I generally can't "hear" -- I can recite song lyrics mentally and they will be in the rhythm of the song, but I don't hear the music or the singer.

There's a highly stupid "test" that's gone around that's meant to indicate if you're transgender, which asks you to imagine a stick with a red end and a blue end, floating vertically in front of you, with the red end on the bottom and the blue end on the top. You're meant to imagine it rotating three times end over end, and then say what position the colored ends are in (which is on bottom, which is on top) after the rotation. Apparently depending on whether you have a "male" or "female" mind, you'll read "rotate three times" differently and a different color will be on top. This is self-evidently dumb but also when I encountered it I had to keep re-reading it because I couldn't picture something so abstract, let alone picture it moving, and I kept forgetting what was supposed to be where. Gender essentialism: defeated by neurodiversity!

In any case, I don't have the deep, profound grief that some people who were diagnosed with cognitive disability post-adolescence have, I think in part because my ADHD is mild and I did okay -- not great, but sufficient -- without treatment. But I do think that if I had been diagnosed with ADHD or known about aphantasia when I was a kid (not that it was conceptually present in the field when I was a kid) I would have probably gone into neuroscience or some related profession, or I would have stuck with my psych degree in undergrad. The longer I do this reading the more I wish I was working in that space. I don't think I have it in me to go back to school for a hard science, especially not if I continue working, but in a different world, I would have liked to have been a contributor to this kind of work.

[anomaliex]

Thought about Baron being a they slash he again. Riz is gay (or at least mlm) (And aroace but that's its own thing and everyone knows that)

First of all I fully acknowledge that this was not a conscious roleplay choice from Murph but moreso confusion leading to a mistake which got canonised later on but, well. It works within the story and lets me interpret more fun stuff.

Baron is genderless. They are originally described as "someone Riz is dating" and never given a gender so they don't have a gender when they first appear. Riz didn't think to lie them up one, doesn't matter, he probably didn't think about it much. Brennan refers to them exclusively with they/them or it/its pronouns.

Riz (or, well, Murph) interprets them as a "weird little skeleton boy" and later refers to them using "he" a few times. When Baron shows up again later their new official pronouns are they/he. This is, as I've acknowledged, definitely just the real life roleplayer being confused but I think it works if you consider it in character.

Riz makes up a non distinct romance partner on the fly, doesn't really think up details. Riz sees Baron come to life so he has to acknowledge details and immediately clocks them as male or at least masc-leaning on a subconscious level (even though they, in official art, look very androgynous and more feminine if anything). This is because he, subconsciously, knows that if he had a romance partner they'd be masculine? The second Baron becomes "real" in his mind Baron is a boy (or at least close to it). Baron's official pronouns change because Baron, as a creation, is whatever Riz thought them up as. If he interprets them as masc-ish then that's what they are now. Yeah you get the point, a lot of this was repeating myself because I didn't like how I said it before.

(I don't know where in this ramble to put it, but, the way I see Baron, every facet of them is an expression of love. Well, "love". Their very harmful version of it. So even their gender ((though they actually have very little concept of or grasp on it)) is an expression of love towards one Riz Gukgak. Does that make sense? I don't know.)

Anyway obviously Riz's asexuality (and, well, heavily implied but not directly stated aromanticism) is the driving force of this whole thing. This is just a little side note, something I like to consider when I think about him (and I think about Riz a lot).

Personally I'm aroace in a way where I don't care to label my orientation beyond that even though I do experience some sort of queerplatonic attraction, but I think Riz does care, I think he'd want to put a label on it eventually. He unpacks his asexual stuff first, but I think that a few months afterwards he addresses the rest of his orientation and attraction (and well, lack thereof) and identity and all that jazz. Oriented aroace. He's gay. The inherent queerness of Riz Gukgak is something I enjoy pondering.

[drdemonprince]

Any chance you'd expand on the hank hill trans guy post? (Sorry, best indicator I could come up with.) The concept interests me as I decidedly know my maleness, yet don't feel impeded by for the most part, any male gendered norms/boxes. I am fairly masculine, though I rarely use those kinds terms to describe myself. I have found I often do stray outside of what society pushed for me when I transitioned, yet I again do not feel it has taken from my right to maleness whatsoever. I am just me, who happens to be male. I have had friends try and suggest I am NB adjacent but I do not feel this way whatsoever. I feel more people are outliers to gender expectation than we care to admit and it's disappointing the way cis-people deny that. Hope this wasn't too long winded, I value your writing and perspective, and wanted to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Yeah, well so many things all get conflated by gender labels, and it's all so personal, you know? Masculinity does not have to mean maleness, and a person's gender identity might be a reflection of some innate quality they experience themselves as having, or a general summary of their tendencies, or their desired presentation, or their sense of affinity with other people, or an interpersonal tool, or something they just go along with because it was given to them by society, or any other number of things.

I think my recent substack piece on detransition goes into this pretty well, and I have an upcoming piece of what @pastimperfection calls "bilateral dysphoria" that comes out next week that delves into it too.

I think I mostly saw taking on a male identity as a means to an end more than any kind of innate reflection of who I was, though I did feel an affinity with effeminate men for a lot of reasons. I think I also discounted how much I have in common with my fellow nonbinary people of all stripes, because that identity became so strongly associated with being an annoying type of queer person that everybody else just wrote off as ultimately being their assigned gender at birth anyway no matter how much they protested. it doesn't help that 'nonbinary' is a catchall term for literally thousands if not millions of very distinct experiences and desires.

transitioning gave me control over how i was perceived, finally, but hormones are a throttle that only go in one very specific direction, and you don't really have all that much control over which changes kick in at which times and what people will make of you once you do start registering to them as some identity other than what you were first saddled with. it's an incredible gift to be able to toggle that throttle. but it's limited, not because medical transition isn't incredible and needed for so many, but because there is no escaping the goddamned binary cissexist logic that influences everything about how people treat you, how you navigate institutions, who finds you desirable and what they want out of you, and so much else.

if you're able to cast a lot of the external societal bullshit aside and feel strong in your maleness, maybe you're stronger than me or maybe our orientation to these things is just different, i don't know. i was never all that sensitive to feedback that i was doing the whole being-a-woman-thing all that wrong. i reveled in violating those rules to an extent. succeeding at being a woman despite my best attempts was what felt super dysphoric. and now i guess im succeeding at being a man, insofar as im always read as one, and it feels just as uncomfortable and objectifying and false. i thought that with manhood i could probably just grit my teeth and deal with it, but i'm finding that i can't.

ive always been very open that for me, gender is a thing I Do, and i guess to those who know me well it wouldnt be surprising to hear that i have gotten tired of Doing Being a Man and dont feel like playing that particular gendered game anymore. I tend to get bored of things! and find the flaws in things. and find my comfort in being fault-finding and contrarian and not being a joiner. and thats okay. i learned a lot along the way. not having to try any more is a huge relief. i can just do whatever. and know actively that people will more often than not be wrong in what they make of me.

maybe it was natural feeling for you to decidely 'know' your maleness without a care for masculine standards because that is the right identity for you! and maybe i only feel secure in the "not knowing" realm and in letting go of what people think of me or finding any kind of tidy categorization for it because that's the right spot for me. for now. until i find a new interesting way to be unhappy and striving for more and different again. :) that's just part of being alive, for me.

[barbthebuilder]

Hello hope you're having a good day!

I just wanted some advice on understanding if I'm nonbinary or genderfluid. I like wearing short shorts and looking feminine from time to time. I like wearing makeup and I like my reflection but it doesn't really seem like me. I don't know if I'm making sense right now so I'm gonna try to explain it better.

I like girls and when I look in the mirror I see someone that I'd be attracted to but I'm just not sure that it's me. I like looking pretty but I don't like being pretty. I'm also really confused about it.

I don't like identifying as a girl but I like being “girly”. I love getting my nails done, I love putting on mascara before going out, I love being someone's girlfriend but I don't like being seen as a girl.

I hate it when someone addresses me as a girl but sometimes I don't really mind and I'm not sure if its because I've been in the closet for so long or its because I'm actually genderfluid.

If you have any advice on how I can figure it out and what you think it could be I’d be really happy to hear your thoughts.

Also, I want to thank you for your blog it really makes me feel better about my identity.

Love ❤️❤️

First of all, sorry for taking this long to respond!! I had so much going on lately and I wanted to give the best advice I could.

I think we will start with identifying that is gender expression and what's gender identity.

Gender expression is someting external. It's how you choose to display yourself, express how you feel. Things that can be considered part of gender expression: painting your nails, having specific hairdo, your name, your body language, pronouns you go by, the way you speak, your voice, your clothes, jewelry etc.

Gender identity is how you want to be preceived by yourself and others. It is who you are. It's more internal.

You described you like being girly (gender expression) but you don't like being called a girl (gender identity). It's important to understand that those two things can exist and don't contradict each other. You can be a feminine man or a masucilne woman. Nothing weird about that.

You said you don't know whether you're genderfluid or you're just used to being called a girl. I would recommend trying to get in touch with your internal self. What do you feel when people call you a girl? Would you rather be called differently? How would you like to be preceived? You can check that every day and see if it changes. I recommend writing it down somewhere. If you want to get specific with your emotions I recommend emotion wheel - it's a really good tool for naming and specifying what you experience.

If you're afraid your parents are going to find yozur graph and question it you can make it a code. Be clever.

Rememer, that labels are for you. They serve to make your life easier so don't let the concept of labels make it harder. If something feels right, go for it. You don't have to perfectly allign with other people's experiences and you probably won't. Ask yourself - what label makes me happy? What presentation feels right?

Also, if you want to go deeper with the "like looking pretty, hate being pretty" bit you can do this trick: write down what are the differences between those two concepts. Which of them is internal? Which of them has to do with how others preceive you? Which of them has to do with your identity?

That's all I can think of to say for now. If you have any doubts, feel free to dm me or send another ask :) good luck on your journey. May the gender euphoria be upon ya <33

[beingcultureis]

i don’t identify as an animal- that’s impossible for me. Species are biologically, generally genetically distinct groups. I totally respect folks who do, go for it, but for me it’s more a desperate wanting to be an animal due to neurodivergence, primarily trauma.

i relate to therians /otherkin so much and align with many experiences. I don’t think I can, nor will I ever be, an animal, sadly. unlike gender, dna is not a social construct and I’ll never be able to change mine. I can’t identify as a non-human thing since I am, biologically, human. I don’t experience the struggles of physical animals, either. To me it’d be like identifying as another race.

I call myself therian because otherwise I align with the experiences entirely, and don’t know of any other labels that fit, and I don’t wanna explain myself every time.

There have also been times where I genuinely do believe I am an animal and I can transform or somehow I’m mixed up but they are usually during SEVRE distress and most have been when I was taking a medication that was altering my perception of reality - I think I might of have been in psychosis one of the main times, but I’m not diagnosed.

There have also been times where I genuinely do believe I am an animal and I can transform or somehow I’m mixed up but they are usually during SEVRE distress and most have been when I was taking a medication that was altering my perception of reality - I think I might of have been in psychosis one of the main times, but I’m not diagnosed.

But when I think I’m not human I’m always in an illogical state and believe other illogical, not real things - I completely respect any physical nonhumans / holotheres, it’s just that I am aware afterwards it’s not the case for me and I really hate when I get reality all mixed up like that so I try and stay away from it.

I also feel like I’m missing being an animal, like how people describe past lives, but I hate anything not based in logic and I cannot understand how past lives are possible. (Again, I respect anyone who believes they were another being in a past life. It’s just not for me.) I believe it is due to trauma, as I’m longing for what I didn’t have as a child, and my escape was in animals.

If I could become any of my ‘types, I would in a heartbeat. And as much as I hate it, that’s not possible, nor will it ever be.

I definitely understand where you’re coming from! Im glad you aren’t forcing yourself into a label that you don’t feel comfortable with!

For us (speaking on behalf me and my system), our experience with ‘alterhumanity’ is kind of weird due to the fact that we are a system. We are very much aware that the body isn’t the species we identify as but, many of us don’t identify with the body in any way. It’s hard to explain it but we are what we are, which probably doesn’t make any sense to those outside our system.

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

FNAF Movie Requests - CLOSED

Requests CLOSED as of November 16th, 2023.

(Requests are now closed, and I am keeping this request form up in case I have need for this again.)

So, I highly resisted the urge to fall into the fanfiction hole with the Five Nights At Freddy's Movie characters, but here I am lmao. Josh Hutcherson is so wonderfully sat, wet, and pathetic and I can't help myself.

I have tweaked my prompt list for this fandom, and you don't have to use these prompts when requesting fics, but please keep in mind that I am more likely to write and complete a request if it is simplistic and can be written in a shorter fic. I aim to keep request fics under two thousand words (around three thousand words at most).

Characters I write for: Mike Schmidt, Vanessa Monroe (Afton), and William Afton (Steve Raglan). (I may also write platonic fics with animatronic characters if people want to see that?)

Note: I will be writing for the movie version of the characters, but because I am a fan of the games, I am not against making references to the games and playing around with the canonicity. I care much more about the themes of the games than any solid sense of canon.

Requests can be sent to my ask box here or to my ask box over on my writing blog @sundrop-writes - I am probably not going to get to requests right away because unfortunately I am feeling sick right now, but I wanted to post this request form to help me get inspired. Please read all the rules/guidelines below before sending in a request.

(More information below the cut - please read it before requesting.) 

(Also - warning, this prompt list technically does have some mild spoilers for the movie.)

I will accept requests for poly ships. (Character x reader x character.) I love requests like this - I think for this fandom, the only one that really works is Vanessa x Reader x Mike (which is one that I would really love to do), but under certain circumstances, with the right request, I might write Mike x Reader x William.

In your request, please specify if the reader character is female, male, or gender neutral. When I write gender neutral fics, I do not describe what kind of genitals they have in any way, so I don’t write ‘GN AFAB’ reader fics. If you want the reader character to have a vagina, that would be a fem reader in my fics. 

EDIT: Typically, I don't write for reader characters that have specific traits - like a specific race, height, described as having specific looks, etc. but my one exception to this rule is that I love writing plus sized/fat reader fics. I love spreading love for fat bodies, especially through fics, and I love making people feel good about their fatness through the gaze of a fictional character. So feel free to send in requests for a plus sized reader character, it's one of my favourite things to write!

I will write smut, angst, or fluff, but I mostly prefer writing smut or angst. When requesting smut, please specify if you want the characters to be dominant or submissive. In your request, write ‘sub!reader’ or ‘dom!reader’ or something like this to let me know. I am a big fan of writing submissive men, so know I don’t shy away from that, but I will write any dynamic as long as it’s properly communicated to me. 

I will for a lot of dark topics and different kinks. In general, the list of things that I won’t write is a lot shorter than the list of that I will. So if you’re wondering if a request is okay with me or not, just ask!

Just for reference, my big no-nos are: virgin!reader, sexually inexperienced!reader, or innocent!reader - I am okay with doing a ‘faux’ innocent reader or writing about the canon character being a virgin and having their first sexual experience with the reader. I am okay with writing about sexual cocercion, sexual blackmail, or dubcon.

Also, I don’t write fics about miscarriages, safeword use, or extreme choking kink. While I don’t write about miscarriage, I am okay with writing about pregnancy (and it’s something I enjoy writing about). 

Smut Prompts/Ideas: 

The canon character is a virgin (ex: virgin!Mike) 

“Just the tip.” 

Stuck and Fucked/Situational Bondage 

Hate Fucking 

There Was Only One Bed

Caught Masturbating 

“Can you teach me how to do (blank)?” (ex: “Can you teach me how to give someone an orgasm?” “Can you teach me how to perform oral?”) 

Late Night Semi-Public Sex (bathroom sex, kitchen counter sex, etc.) where they shove a hand over your mouth to keep you quiet (or purposefully try to make you scream) 

Overstimulation 

Breeding Kink (or Faux Breeding Kink with a Strap-On) 

Extreme Dirty Talk

Phone Sex

Underwear Stealing

Them taking dirty pictures of you

Unknown surveillance/Perv!Canon Character/Them getting off to you doing something mundane

Dumbification Kink/Objectification 

Daddy Kink or Mommy Kink (their reaction to being called Daddy or Mommy for their first time) 

Them masturbating to the thought of you 

(There is more kinks that I enjoy writing, but this is just all that I thought to add to this list) 

Angst Prompts/Ideas: 

(You should definitely send in some of these, I love writing angst but people don’t request it as often. I will even write hurt/comfort just to write the angst part, so you can send in a hurt/comfort request if you prefer.) 

They break up with you to keep you away from danger (this one would work really well with Vanessa)

Attending to their injuries after a fight (or, them attending to your injuries after a fight) 

You are attacked (verbally or physically) and they step in to save you 

Their reaction to you being killed/your death (bonus angst: you died before they got to confess their feelings to you) 

One of you has been brainwashed and completely forgets the other 

(Directly inspired by the movie) - you are in a coma and they confess their feelings for you thinking that you can't hear them

They save you from a near-death experience (or you save them) 

They find out you are alive after thinking you had died 

Being reunited after years, but you didn’t part on good terms 

“Who did this to you?” 

Unrequited Love (they see you with someone else, they think that you’ll never love them back, etc.) 

(For hurt/comfort, I can do any of these with a sappy ending!) 

Fluff Ideas/Prompts:

They confess their love for you

Your first kiss together  

They surprise you with a cute date 

(I am really stalled for ideas for this list, I suck at writing pure fluff lmao)

(Again, you don’t have to use these prompts, I just think that these are good examples of things that will fit the 1k-2k mark.)

[mlmshark]

Introduction to Mlmshark

Info:

Oliver, 17 yrs, trans male, gay/vincian, taken <3

This is my account where I ramble about being gay and talk about my experiences as a queer man

DMs are open, I’d love to chat

And now because apparently I have to add this:

‼️PROSHIP AND RADQUEER DNI‼️

This isn't an nsfw account, but it is 17+ so I can be more mature without worrying about younger followers like I have on my other accounts

Fanfic acc: @sharkboywrites (dead) art acc @sharkboyoli

I will give out my discord, but only to mutuals who ask

more info below, including boundaries please read before sending messages

This is an mlm blog

The labels I use/are comfortable with are trans man, transmasc, gay, vincian, achillean, aroace, aromantic, greyromantic (more specific way of describing my romantic attraction) and asexual

I am autistic (maybe, I got tested and my results were inconclusive so I’m not sure what to make of that). My special interests are genshin impact and horror media (please talk to me about them PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE)

My pronouns are strictly he/him, but I'm not sure about neos, feel free to use them on me it doesn't bother me

Anyone can interact regardless of sexuality or gender identity, I prefer the people who are my mutuals to be 17+, but younger people can like my posts and ask me questions. I won't follow back anyone under 17.

The main point of this account is to have somewhere to talk about being gay and find more gay people to have a community with it.

For a long time and even sometimes to this day I've been shamed for my identity, so I want my own space to be an openly gay trans man with no hate and find other people in my community. I'm also still exploring myself and the world as a trans man, despite being out for six years, and this is my space to talk about it.

Boundaries

No proshippers, radqueers, zoophiles, etc.

No racism or ablesim, this is a space for all gay men/nblm regardless

My mutuals need to be 17 or older, I may be more mature at times, but not to the point of full nsfw

Do not send me nsfw asks unless they're questions about the queer experience ( for ex. asking about my experience, how to know, about my asexuality, and life as a gay/trans man are fine)

Don't send me/tag me in nsfw posts

Don't try to be homophobic or transphobic, I'll just block you

No shaming me or other people for liking men, even if you're also queer

Don't come onto my posts complaining about how you hate men

Don't try to compare my experiences with other queer people/try to make it the oppression Olympics

Don't complain to me about gay labels or flags

Don't try to invalidate anyone who interacts with this account that identifies as gay, even if you think they don't count (transmasc gay, tranfem gay, genderfluid gay, etc.)

Generally don't bring any discourse

You're free to vent in my asks if it's related to being gay or transgender, this account is for people to find community, just try not to make people uncomfortable

Don't call me the f or t slur unless you know I'm okay with it, even when I call myself it

As you can tell, this is mostly an nsfw neutral account, I'm okay with talking about it in the non- horny sense or now. this acc may be more open to it as time goes on (probably as I get older and experience more things), but for now: no <3

That's it, feel free to interact, i'd love to find some gay people in the community that I can ramble with and be a man kisser with :)

[finalset]

hm I hope one thing my art also conveys is like, the softness of masculinity. sometimes I feel like with gay art there is this trap of portraying men as hyperfeminine or just taking how women are sexualized (which is a whole other thing I have thoughts about) and putting a man in place there instead, and it feels so ill fitting i end up receiving it in the opposite way it’s probably meant to be received if that makes sense..? anyway I’m not out to condemn others people’s artwork and self expression but a lot of popular types of portrayals of gay men just don’t really connect with me. For myself, I really love being/looking masculine but expressing myself as a person more softly/less domineering/a little sillier, while still not describing myself as feminine either (bc I genuinely don’t feel that way). Everyone has their own definitions of masculinity and I don’t particularly think it’s all stoicism and grit, but I definitely feel more in the middle of it than maybe at the full end of it. Obviously because it’s my artwork and I pull from my own experience, I mostly just want to portray what’s typically Not seen as gender nonconforming and show the lesser acknowledged aspects of it.

[good-to-drive]

hiiii ur one of my favorite beatles analyzers and i know you have some Knowledge about family systems and ur interested in the psychology of paul... I was wondering if you had any thoughts about paul's role in his household and how that changed after the death of his mom? Often he is described as taking on an "eldest daughter" role ie more domestic work/emotional labor after his mom's death but I'm not sure if that's an accurate description. If you have any thoughts about Paul and Jim's relationship specifically those are also welcome :)) (this post got me thinking and i wanted to send it to you to see if you had any additional thoughts: https://www.tumblr.com/sleeper9/763295193962283008/from-this-ask-you-answered-a-few-days-back).

Answer at your own leisure ofc!

Thank you so much for sending this to me!!! (And thank you for calling me one of your favorite analyzers, that is so kind!) This is all SUPER interesting, because I can honestly say I’ve never thought of being parentified or placed as a Golden Child as gendered traits. 

It does make sense, though, that "oldest daughter syndrome" could be a product of girls being more often parentified and placed on a pedestal during their childhood than boys, though I know these more as phenomena that affect the children of addicts in general, not girls specifically. But that's more about my own cultural touchstones than anything else. It would be so interesting to look at these roles based on gender and who is more likely to be elected to (and accept) such and such a role.

That being said, I do think womanhood/domesticity might be a bit of a red herring here – taking responsibility for a toxic system isn’t an inherently female trait, nor does it have to express as caretaking or domestic responsibility.

(And, a bit off topic, but I generally think the desire to read slightly gender nonconforming cismen as women, or slightly gender nonconforming ciswomen as men, is a bit misguided. They're really best understood as slightly gender nonconforming cis people. Which is its own thing).

If Paul spent his childhood feeling overly responsible for preserving his family system, it would explain his anxiety, his perfectionism, his emotional repression, his need for control and constant validation – I actually talk about that a bit re: self-esteem here. But to my eye what I’m seeing is that Paul was probably a Golden Child, and that's actually something I've been wanting to think a little about, so more (and more and more) thoughts below the cut.

I know this tends to get distorted or misunderstood, but put simply, a Golden Child is the child withing a toxic or tumultuous family system responsible for redirecting the system to a positive in order to avoid potentially destabilizing discussions or conflicts. Admiring and praising the Golden Child distracts everyone from the real problem, the real pain, for long enough to push it into the drawer of things they don’t think about. 

I will also say, though, that this quote from Paul expressing financial anxiety after his mother’s death implies a sense of responsibility for their financial situation. So in terms of actual, practical responsibilities and a more straightforward kind of parentification, that was probably there, too. It wouldn't be incompatible with being a Golden Child -- in fact, it's so common to be a parentified Golden Child that this role is referred to as "The Hero." On the other hand, worrying about money doesn’t seem gendered to me, so I still wouldn’t really project this as a female experience.

As a Golden Child you are never allowed to be in pain, never allowed to be confused or afraid, never allowed to make mistakes, never allowed to bring anything into the family but success and happiness and a certain inherent superiority that can be very isolating. They're the one who’s always praised and admired, but at the expense of being allowed to be a child. They're the one who can’t mess up. Whether because they aren't allowed that luxury or because the system won't recognize their mistakes -- it's hard to say, exactly, but I think it's often both.

I'll reiterate, too, that destabilization of a family system is pure deadly horror to children. The best explanation I know for this is “If the mother abandons the young, they perish.” On a very fundamental, just-coming-out-of-the-caves level, children know that being abandoned is death. That even a slight hint of being abandoned is maybe death. And, within a tumultuous system, every disruption of that system is far more than a hint of abandonment. It’s abandonment breathing down your neck, telling you it’ll be here soon. And, in that way, it’s death creeping at the corners of your childhood, being the monster under your bed in a way that people from a healthy family system will probably never understand. It’s no coincidence that so many people with an addicted parent grow up to have brutal anxiety. 

I do feel like a lot of Golden Child traits are present in Paul's adult behavior -- the sort of "flagship" traits of a Golden Child are anxiety and depression, perfectionism, people-pleasing, control issues, fear of failure, workaholism, a deep need for admiration, and being incredibly, almost inhumanly good at suppressing any vulnerable, honest confrontation.

It's also interesting how Paul seemed to actually reenact this role within The Beatles, to thrive on praise, attention, and perhaps a slight sense of being a martyr, while also struggling with control, possibly because he felt responsible for things outside of his control. And it was never his job to be a truth-teller/squeaky wheel -- one of the biggest things that struck me after Get Back was how deeply he relied on suppressing vulnerability, his and others', to maintain homeostasis.

It’s also a good time to mention that we’re elected to our roles within a system, but we also choose them. If Paul was forced to be a Golden Child, he also wanted to be a Golden Child. So in the question of nature vs nurture, it’s very much both. You’re “elected” to the role, not as a conscious choice but as a sort of collective desire to perceive you this way, but you still have to “accept” the role (also subconsciously). 

People choose to accept because playing that role reduces the overall stress level of the system, and as adults they often have it marked very deeply in them that playing this role is how they’re going to survive. They’ve adapted to rely on the things that it provides, because that’s what they had. On an emotional level, that’s why people reenact their childhood roles as adults – not just because they don’t know anything else, but because it feels essential for their survival, and on an emotional level it maybe kind of is (although you can always change – this is psychology, not fate!)

I also think his dependence on praise -- not just preference for it -- is underexamined. A lifetime of constant adulation makes you expect adulation, and then demand it. This is the guy who said in 100 years people will listen to his music the way we listen to Mozart. And I do think people often believe these things because they have to.

So when people talk about how Paul didn’t seem to resent this role in his adult life, what they’re describing is very normal and expected, especially for someone who might still often feel like he’s inside that toxic system (as most of us do). It’s very true that Paul thrived on additional responsibility, constant praise, feeling like a martyr for things he chose. As much as framing a Golden Child as a spoiled child is disgusting behavior, framing a Golden Child as fully innocent of the toxicity of the system is a deep misunderstanding of human relationships in general. Paul made his choices, and he likely made them that way because it tended to get him what he wanted. They were a way to get his needs met. But it’s so naive to think this means he never suffered or struggled with those wanted things. 

I also want to add that society’s (reddit’s?) current conversation around Golden Children is pretty fucked up. The Golden Child experience might even be up there with narcissism as a brutal, life-changing trauma that has been repurposed to an insult. Which tells us a lot about how our society views people who had a difficult childhood.

To be clear, a maladaptive schema like being a former Golden Child can express in very ugly ways, many/most of them unintentional. The people subjected to the toxicity of any system a Golden Child is a part of, any system forced to structure itself around praise and reinforcement of that ego, aren’t wrong for feeling misused or even brutalized by it. Sometimes this is the kind of pain that splatters like paint onto everyone who tries to love you, and that can be just as bad, or sometimes worse, than what you yourself are experiencing.

I like the expression, “It isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility.” Pain is a heavy thing to hold, and to cope with that in a healthy way is a responsibility all The Beatles failed (and they were ALL responsible for the toxic Beatle system, by the way – it was largely structured to meet John and Paul’s needs, but it was everyone’s responsibility to uphold it and they all did.) But the fact that they were holding that pain in the first place was never their fault, even if they sometimes failed to handle it with grace. Even if they weren't very good victims, and created other victims, and those victims weren't very good either.

I don’t like when people use Paul’s pain as a way to minimize how he hurt other people. A binaried mentality that sees experiencing and causing pain as incompatible is incredibly toxic in regards to mental health, and basically precludes the capacity for compassion. Paul was (and probably still is) a very difficult man.

But he’s also very normal. Very expected. Very human and real in a way that ought to make his kindness, his courage, his dedication, his endless well of love for his family more meaningful, not less. We can continue to see those things in him – and ourselves – even after reality has set in. Because that’s also reality. 

[vampstel]

Okay, I’m just gonna rip the bandage off. Here’s a long post I wrote a while ago after seeing a comic about someone’s experiences with asexuality.

This is a vent/rant so beware!! Warning for suggestive stuff since you know, this is sexuality talk :P

I’ve been openly asexual for a pretty long time now. It’s not something I talk about very often; I tend to just say it in passing and move on since I get this indescribable “ick” feeling due to the acephobia I’ve received in the past (and because I’ve been sexualized against my own will in the past as well).

I’m trying my best to get rid of that “ick” feeling but after recent events, I feel like I’ve gone back to square one. AKA: I feel humiliated about my sexuality and think it’s invalid.

I’m aceflux, meaning my asexuality can fluctuate but not by much. I may be demiromantic as well but I’m still unsure of that.

Personally, I usually feel very apathetic when it comes to sensual things. Sometimes, that apathy can turn into repulsion; Very extreme repulsion that can make me nauseous. Overall, I just don’t feel sexual attraction and when I do, it’s very minor and at some points… I wouldn’t even consider it sexual attraction? Hell, I don’t even understand what sexual attraction is and why/what people generally find sexually gratifying. Sexual shit flies over my head all the time unless it’s 100% obvious in my eyes.

But anyway… I’m a very aesthetic heavy guy, you could say. It’s really hard to describe it but when I see people, specifically men, I feel attracted to them in a tertiary sense. I like the concept of affection. The thought of being in a close relationship makes me happy. I find men pleasing to the eye and just have a connection with them that can’t be explained. It’s not exactly romantic, nor is it exactly sexual or even platonic. It’s like a secret 4th thing, basically.

That’s all fine and dandy. I’ve accepted that part of my sexuality but what I’ve been very miffed about is openly and unabashedly expressing my attraction (or whatever it is) with men in my art. Which hasn’t happened in years. I’ve been proud of being gay but recently I just feel… Unsafe?

As you know, I draw men a lot. Usually gender nonconforming men, femboys, and muscular men. I sometimes draw art that can be suggestive due to the clothes being revealing, but I do not get sexual gratification from it and it distresses me immensely when people say I do. Hence why I freaked the fuck out about the uh… incident on Twitter that shall not be named.

I know I said I’m fine. That I’ve moved past the whole “people thinking I’m addicted to porn” thing and I have. I think?— After all, it doesn’t make me upset anymore remembering it. However, I won’t deny that the situation has reopened some wounds that’ll take a long time to heal again which sucks.

I’m the problem here, not any other external source. At least right now 💀

I just keep feeling invalid about who I am. Sometimes, I find myself drawing art I like (and think is tame) and suddenly think “…Maybe this is too much. This is fetishizing.” or “I should probably scrape this completely. It might be sexual since I drew a beefy guy in a dress.”

And since I’m blind to sexual and even suggestive things, I get confused and upset. What am I allowed to depict in my art that makes people understand I’m not a faker or have a ‘broken sexuality’? How do I become the “ideal depiction of an asexual guy” that’ll appease myself and the internet? Do I show my character’s skin? Do I hide their assets and make them less curvy or muscular?

And what labels or jokes am I allowed to say that won’t have me or anyone else thinking “Oh yeah this guy’s a fucking freak and should be deplatformed”?

I don’t care what people think of me, usually. I don’t care if people hate me. But nowadays I feel unsafe even in the safe spaces I’ve made for myself and that’s what hurts.

I know and accept that there will always be people who think I’m a freak. There will always be people who think I’m not actually asexual and I’m just saying that to get away with making mildly suggestive content. But the issue is, I’m starting to think I’m a freak by proxy and since I’m repulsed about anything sexual, I’m becoming repulsed about myself and my work.

It’s taken years for me to get comfortable with my unordinary attraction to men. It’s taken even longer for me to get used to the basic parts of the human body and showing off skin IRL and in art without feeling nauseous. And now it feels like I’m trying to get all that progress back again. Just because my dumb brain thinks I’m “broken” after being harassed online a month or so ago.

I could write so much more but this is so long already. I think I may as well just make this topic a special rant video for Pride month. I’m not sure though.

I don’t know how to end this post, especially on a positive note, but just know that I’m trying real hard to get back to being unabashedly me.

I’m probably going to exercise using the labels I use more often to get more accustomed to them without anyone (myself included) thinking “he’s a weirdo!!”. I’m also just gonna up the gender nonconformity themes in my art as well. Shit’s been rough but I’m still hanging and coping with the help of my OCs :3

If you’re asexual, or just struggling with accepting yourself in general. Just know you’re valid. You’re cool. I know that’s a stereotypical thing to say but I mean it. Don’t let your stupid head think you’re a freak. Don’t be like me, is what I’m saying LOL

It’s bad and unhealthy. It’s easier said than done but so long as you slowly build up self acceptance, you’re doing great. And you shouldn’t let people tear you down.

[velvetvexations]

The main reason I don't connect at all with having been younger is because my personality shifts are especially extreme and my autism was not well managed and I had no helpful adults in my life for a long time so I was in a really bad place for a really bad time. The only part of my life I feel anything but intense cringe or regret for starts in 2020.

I feel like I didn't experience manhood mostly because of that autism. I had zero friends and did nothing offline until high school, when I had one who was also kinna an outcast. He had a bunch of friends who weren't me but were mostly girls, idk if that reflects anything about him. The people I spent the most time with were my cousins who never treated me in an especially gendered way. I feel like my most masculine experiences were not getting to keep my hair long or play with Barbies.

Of course, logically speaking, I did probably benefit over an AFAB child at some point because I was thought to be a boy, but being thought to be a boy was itself damaging, so it overall was an L for both of us. Lotta damage to a lotta people in a lotta ways in this society.

Yet even still, I have so many masculine interests. Shonen anime shaped not just my life, but my personality. That's another way I feel a kinship with transmasc fujoshis, who look at men in anime and say "I want that for myself." I'm not a man but I understand being a girl and seeing that appeal. One might say that in my case it's just hitting it's target audience, it's normal for boys to model themselves after boys media, but idk! I'm not a boy! I, however, unlike other AMAB trans women who should never have to describe themselves this way if they don't want, am male. I am a male woman. I think a lot of transmasc people, who see themselves as female men or are non-binary,* can understand finding how a sense of "maleness" and womanhood can both fit together.

And it is specifically anime. Lately I've been more down with having a lot of body hair because I think it's hot for me as a male woman to have body hair, but I still hate facial hair aesthetically and think it's immensely uncomfortable to have for reasons that don't even have anything to do with gender. If I hadn't ever been into Dragon Ball specifically I probably wouldn't want to be buff, either. But how can I not, with this being the very peak of childish coolness to me?

Broly is transfem, btw. Akira Toriyama told me in a séance.

Most of the non-Dragon Ball men I wanted to model myself after still got called fags by philistines. Even Toriyama's style wasn't quite like Araki's early stuff, where men were huge hulking bricks of solid testosterone, because Toriyama's faces always had a soft cartoonishness to them. Now when people want to draw me I specify I want to be visibly AMAB but the two examples I use are a really clocky cis woman and icon of raw masculinity Chris Motionless.

So that's my experience growing up with a socially reinforced gender assignment.

*I don't consider myself non-binary because I see male as a flavor of girl in my case and not something separate