#so time completely stopped feeling real
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i think the issue with having an extremely inconsistent sleep schedule is not that your overall daily schedule will be out of wack (i am quite fine with changing schedules) but rather that all hours of the day are Schrodinger's Bedtime. like, going to bed just feels like An Option at all times and this leads to a lot of laying in bed almost dozing but not really sleeping
#eliot posts#i BRIEFLY got my sleep schedule back on track but then i got sick had to sleep all day to recover and now it is Bad again#and then before that it was STABLE for a while but...#i was going to sleep at sunrise every day#which was Bad#bc by the time i woke up it would be almost sundown#so time completely stopped feeling real#fuck the winter darkness i am moving to the fucking equator as god intended#we must ALL come to brazil (or ecuador or kenya or whatever)#but seriously tho like why is my default circadian rhythm to FALL ASLEEP AT SUNRISE#it has always been like this and it happens in all seasons#(isn't too bad in the summer tho bc there's more hours of sun and also student schedule lets me Live Like That)#i am constantly battling my body to adhere to a somewhat normal sleep schedule#bc alas being a member of society means i have to be awake and doing stuff at certain times#scheduling meals and activities a certain way and avoiding blue light does NOT fix shit#keeping a regular schedule can help sometimes but isā againā an uphill battle against my body#i should honestly try getting one of those seasonal depression sunlamps and staring into it at like 10 pm every night#trick my brain into thinking it is sunrise (and therefore time to sleep)#(also i tried melatonin supplements once and it made me feel like my bones were trying to slither out of my skin#and i had a panic attack and didn't sleep that night. so i am too terrified to try THAT again)
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On autonomy, and what it means to be Obliged to Help.
Bonus:
#a homestuck walks into an antechamber and asks#hey is anybody going to make this dynamic wholly deterministic and thus dubiously consensual by its very nature#ANYWAY bigger ramble below. scroll down like usual#isat spoilers#isat#isat fanart#isat siffrin#isat loop#sifloop#THATS RIGHT WE'RE STILL SHIP TAGGING IT BABYYYY#in stars and time#in stars and time fanart#lucabyteart#RAMBLE START: anyway i think loop is wrong here. they have it backwards. as-- in my opinion--#the main reason they could be called back into existence postcanon is because *their* wish for help is still not complete#they still need help. siffrin still needs help. neither of them will ever stop needing help.#they will thus uphold the wish until the end of siffrin's natural lifespan.#that said. what does it mean that loop can be so wholly forced to abide by siffrin's wants?#(assuming the dagger cutscene posession is them being forced to uphold the 'help siffrin' wish via harsh universe logic)#[as opposed to something capricious and cruel the change god did. which feels out of character for the change god to me?]#much like how the island wish and duplicate objects are neutered by simply sliding off people's brains...#is loop subtly ushered toward their wish? obviously it's not a full override (see: the bossfight). but is there any interference?#and if so. so what? does it matter? if they don't notice? is it even real if they don't notice?#and even if they do notice. the universe leads we follow. how much do either of them value their free will in a belief system like that?#the whole game is dedicated to siffrin habitually NOT excersizing his free will. doing things the same Every Time.#Loop ESPECIALLY does this. predetermined predetermined predetermined even in the FACE OF CHANGE. REFUSING. ANY CHOICE.#Maybe they'd even be comforted by having a universe-ordained purpose even if it is subservient. even if its to Him.#(though. i can't see siffrin enjoying the idea that someone is subservient TO them... then all their suffering is his fault...)#loop got into this mess via WANTING too much. no more free will. can't be trusted with it. take it away from them.#but yeah. gets my greasy detective pony hands all over this. and everyone please do remember i like to make characters Outright Wrong A Lot
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marĆa for the ad astra zine! lc u will be missed T_T
#lalin's curse#maria lalins curse#maria navarro becerra#OUUAHHHHGHGGGGG#Stop i miss lalins curse so bad. ough.#sorry i hsve many thoughts do not look at these tags theyrre long#i always had a feeling it wouldn't come back but i'm still so sad like thats my daughter........ my kids.... for reals...... i was#around their age when i started reading and now i'm like 19 they shouldve grown up with us FUCKKKKK i miss rhem so bad. timeskip davias.#i think i spent like an entire year with the lc/delete worms it's one of the smaller fandoms#that ive been in so i'm surprised but also there was SO much going on in thzt damn comic. hwhere is church boy WHY VALOR THE BUS DRIVER#i remember getting ownership of the fandom wiki and spending an insane amount of time on the home page and fixing it all jusr for fandom t#COMPLETELY CHANGE THEOR LAYOUT i think that killed the vibe for me tbh. fanodmwiki alwyas at the scene of the crime#Whahteverrrrrrrrrrr#what ever man.#seeing it go is so sad like ik it'll be revived eventually but OUGH the comic was so well done. i still recommend it so bad even though its#a terrible cliffhanger (itd ok we know what happens)(Lie)#i still need to own delete one day. Ill learn spanishtrust me. idk isaky art changed my life so much i'm so glad she won snowmiku and got s#many insane opportunities I hope she always wins forever. rhe four other laliners that follow me i hope you are still here. hiiiiiii#putting this zine together with all my lc oomfs was so nice and it's such a nice farewell to the comic AUHH go check outthe others plz#okau over. Lc changedmy life sorru#art tag
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took myself on a little shopping trip yesterday in the city where i used to study in hopes of lifting my spirits but by the end of the day i felt so disheartened. wandering the same streets 10 years later and not much has changed. iām still the same lonely unlovable girl.
#i just wanted to have a good time and not rot in bed for once on my work free weekend but of course my brain canāt let that happen#it was such a lovely day actually the weather was sunny and windy it wasnāt too hot or cold ideal weather to stroll through the city#i had delicious food and found some comfortable clothes but at the end of the day i just felt so empty and worn out#seeing all these couples and friend groups and families and iām still all by myself after so many years#tbh iām even lonelier now than i was 10 years ago back then i at least had a few friends#idk what iām doing with my life tbh.. i just want to be happy but even when i take myself on a cute little date i end up feeling miserable#bc it just hits me how truly lonely i am#i fear iām incapable of forming any genuine relationships anymore bc i had so many bad experiences that i just stopped trying to connect..#with anyone.. even though i crave community friendship companionship and love i completely shut myself off from the world#iām not even sure what iām trying to say with all this.. i wish i knew how to be a person in this world#i wish i could be happy#tbh ever since i got back from my italy vacation iāve been feeling depressed bc life could be so beautiful if i didnāt have to sacrifice..#almost all of my time for work#the post vacation depression is too realā¦#realizing you can only spend a very limited time traveling and enjoying yourself bc you have to work most of the time just to afford living#let me stop.. i keep rambling and my thoughts are falling like a waterfall#idk whatās wrong with meā¦ i should have breakfast and put my phone away#sorry to anyone who actually reads all this word vomit#āļø
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IMOGEN KOL ā the rogue inquisitor (x)
[template by @unholymilf]
tag list (ask to be added or removed!): @adelaidedrubman @florbelles @marivenah @simonxriley @shegetsburned @voidika @kyber-infinitygems @v0idbuggy @eloquentmoon @inafieldofdaisies @statichvm @socially-awkward-skeleton @aceghosts @carlosoliveiraa @risingsh0t @thedeadthree @cassietrn @jackiesarch @gwynbleidd @shellibisshe @loriane-elmuerto
#oc insp: Imogen Kol#new year same oc hyperfixation that I subject everyone to āļø#the real question is will I ever get tired of making Imogen edits for every template that crosses my path? probably not any time soon#and yeah Iām linking her playlist again because I have not stopped listening to it and it completely overtook my wrapped#age is based off 0 BBY btw. if she makes it that far š¬ ha ha jk. unless doomed by the narrative?#anyway I feel like this looks a bit wack but it was like 12:30am when I finished it up and I stared at it too long so Iām yeeting it out āØ
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Hey if youāre still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me š please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (āShe was writing kids books!ā They said. āShe didnāt know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didnāt examine it closely. Itās a mistake anyone could make,ā we said. āShe would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,ā we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of āmaybe she doesnāt realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERFā and then āhow could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things sheās retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her workā and finally āoh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.ā
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasnāt trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. Itās weird to discover that thereās a room in your house thatās rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you canāt live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending itās still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadnāt yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because whatās going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic childrenās books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I donāt want to see or think about this shit either and Iām sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. letās wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#Iāve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I donāt want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and youāre still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. weāre done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that itās not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic childrenās books.
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String you up, tie you down (Patreon)
#Doodles#The Stanley Parable#TSP#Stanley#The Narrator#I realized I never actually gave any kind of visual representation of how Sinister's arm got that way#Since it was a dream initially he was just ''always like that'' so I never bothered lol#Plus I never even posted those original dream doodles over here lol it was on my alt - so many reasons!#It's weird to see his arm unburned and bruised with the wire on it#It would still eventually start to hurt! It's very tight on him so it cuts off his circulation even without all the external damage#Not enough to cause lasting damage - how much do the resets reset? Does his blood un-flow?#But definitely enough to cause discolouration on his skin#Not enough to completely numb his arm tho just so it's like forever pin-pricks lol#Sometimes the skin goes numb from being burned or hit tho - the Narrator has no real way of knowing what Stanley's feeling so he just#Keeps running him into things lol#It's not Exactly sadism on purpose - he does genuinely forget! Especially the longer it goes on because Stanley stops reacting#And then also the thing of how much does the Narrator remember from each reset as well lol - some things! But not everything#So eventually it just settles into ''That's just what Stanley's arm is like'' - much like how I feel about it! Lol#But sometimes he does hurt him on purpose - think the lead-up to the Museum ending or the Mariella ending#The example given here is the first time he burns Stanley's arm for refusing to get the Art ending lol#Maybe he does hate babies you don't know#Poor Sinister :( He's always at the whims of the Narrator but now he's got a whole arm's worth of extra control on him!#Got a bad vibe from the very beginning and he was right
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ok i might need to force myself to not romance astarion bc i don't want to know what it says about me to turn down karlach, the woman of my dreams, the character made to cater me personally, like, if she was real i'd bring the moon and stars down for the chance to see her smile, she's everything i've hoped for in a rpg companion, what does it say about me if i turn that down for someone like astarion
#ngl karlach would be too good for me and i wouldnt deserve it#shed probably ask me stuff like 'what do you want?' upon which i would be paralyzed with fear my mind completely blank unable#to process why i can't answer a simple question#and she's so up front with her emotions which i absolutely adore but i could not reciprocate that#wait am i actually for real avoiding the karlach romance bc i feel like this fictional character from a video game is too good for me#a real human being. like. i think i would feel guilty about romancing her#which makes no sense bc i romance characters too good for anyone all of the time. but idk#in those cases ive always had like a strong character i play as who is very divorced from who i am#but playing as durge there is no past so idk who my tav is yet so all i can do is project so he feels very. personal#im v sleepy and also ive had brain fog all day so yea idk#i mean i do genuinely like astarion and his character but in his case i dont feel guilty bc i feel like i#i have no idea how to finish that sentence without it sounding like 'i can fix him'#bc i dont want to fix him i want to show him compassion and respect him and his boundaries so he'll be able to reclaim tje feeling of#being in control of his life#so he'll stop putting people down to feel like hes on a pedestal#like i get him and why he is like that but i just feel like being kind and caring towards him would feel so good#it wouldnt fix him and thats a good thing bc i dont want him to change who he is but i do think he needs support#also hes hot im so mad at myself for being so atteacted to him#we wouldnt b here if i didnt have a thing for voices#besides thag back to the main point of astarion its like. ugh! im so frustrated rn bc i dont have the words#to express my emotions toward him bc everything ive said lacks the nuance that im feelikg but idk how to put it in words#i guess i want to protect him? that such a terrible sentence and still not what om going for
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heol
#unrelated its ltr not even what i linked but chasing time - azealia.. Dontttt omg ts is so facking good who made that beat!!!!!!!!!!#ANW. if breakaway is minhui then this is yijun. mayb the single ver more than true romance ver actually.. it js sounds more raw#i rly wanna talk abt why he hates jaehee#bc i've yapped abt minhui and talked abt DY/JY sort-of parallels in replies somewhere i found it the other day#and ik the 'he doesn't fit' is what's been written (in pieces + that yt rundown i think) but likee it goes deeper than that#im gnna struggle to put it into words properly but im talking to myself so i can not make sense as much as i want thanks#ok. so he goes on and on abt how jaehee ruined BS because he 'didn't fit' into the four that they were without him but. he's lowk projectin#he joined JG in 2016 - jiyeol mai hyeonmin and KOHEN were all there before him. jy's in '08 mi + kh in 2010 + hm 2011#they chucked their whole childhoods away for jg - and in reward they were meant to be jg's first boygroup#they ltr would've debuted in 2013 if it wasn't for hyojoo being like hey! this is kinda weird lol! a 17 yo two 15 yos + a 13 yo is weird!#yj was late as HELLLL 2the party. he wouldve been left as a trainee while JY MI KH HM debuted as 9ANTHER if it wasnt for The Kohen Mai Thin#aka they started messing around in like 2014 while jy pretended he wasnt abt to crash out and hm had to listen to jy trying not to crash ou#then it got real bad like august 2016 and all of a sudden they HATEDD eo they couldnt even b in the same room#(aka. kh wanted him mi wanted jy and said Lollll i hate u die)#all in all: kh kicked off debut team. spot opens up for yijun right as he enters the company. he's not cut out for ts at all#he was lonely back home and now he's lonely here and now apparently he's in a debut team with 3 guys who know eo and he wants to die#hyeonmin like smiles at him like ONCE during practice and he latches on fastttt this leech ššš tries to worm his way in via hm#spoiler! it only half works theres sand under his skin he hates it all he's not meant for them he needs a gun#it gets better over the years and jy + mi sorting their shit out & cutting off kh completely makes yj feel wayy more secure#and then they debut even if it is after yoonhae's literal death. and then jaehee comes in like Hiii i like to act and colour ^_^#HE WNATS TO DIEE ITS HIM ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!! cant even bear to look at him#like the walls are UP he's not letting himself become kohen. and when jh tries to get close to min - ltr exactly like he did.......#ITS NEVER BEEN MORE BONSOVERRRR#so there. he's mean and hates him and wants him dead for that. Yayyyy#kh has def said some nasttyyyyy shit to yj too ijbol like mind you he didnt leave jg until jy did! THIS YEAR!#the song. is abt himself. him to him in the mirror. to kohen. to jaehee. he's mad at shit that's never happened and he's never gonna stop#the 'why did you fall for me' though.. that's him to min like#he feels like he's conned him into it - bec the first couple months he only rly was around him to try and get into the inner circle#and then he fell in Lol. Gay#ok i think thats enoug
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HE'S BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
š¤š¤š¤
#Im vibrating at the speed of light rn#I cant believe my eyes#Ive been losing my shit for a solid hour im literally clawing the walls#Have to stop myself from screaming out loud cuz its 3 am#Gravity is the only thing stopping me from breakdancing on the ceiling#Yes im going full hysterical cuz he's BACK#OG ANTI-VENOM!EDDIE IS FUCKING BACK#Im going to explode#I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH AND HES BACK#AND DRAWN BY COELLO???!!?!?!!!! IM EATING#HES SO GODDAMN GORGEOUS I CANT#AND FLASH IS THERE!!?!? AS HIMSELF AGAIN!!?! NAKED??!??!!#THEYRE TOGHETHER?!!??!!? SMILING AT EACH OTHER???!?!?!!!#This is. Perfect. Its perfect. Hes perfect. Theyre perfect#I never would have believed this could actually happen#I had no hopes of him coming back#What is this#And whats this fucking timing#The world is falling apart and thats when my ultimate blorbo dreams come true?? The fuck is happening??#Ive spent the past few days in a state of emotional shutdown. Completely dissociating. Only just started to actually feel stuff again#And then THIS hits me outta no where??!!?#Cranking my joy from 0 to 100 in .5 seconds#The emotional whiplash has me actually reeling#Nothing feels real rn#And while joy feels almost...inappropriate at a time like this#Fuck it#Im not gonna deny myself happiness rn#Tag rant
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#maan it took me like 2 hours to take this dell laptop completely apart#and reassembling it back into a new chassis only to find out the chassis i got doesnt have the keyboard light slot for the ribbon cable#thats on me to not paying attention or taking apart my dell laptop to compare the parts#but in the end it works just as new#not only did i change out the chassis but i even put in a new screen š#i had to remove so many small screws all different sizes and positions#take the mother board and move it to the new chassis š#made a couple mistakes but nothing too serious#it was my first time doing this without any real guide ahahaha#bruh it was task no cap#but at least the laptop looks and feels completely new#next up is adding a 2nd ram stick#then figuring out how to remove this firecuda from this heatsink so i can move it jnto the laptop and run a virtual box#just for the chance i get a virus i can just delete the partition from the hard drive and not have to reset my whole laptop completely#then i could probably run some emulators for ps2 or 3 games#i needed this windows laptop for the off chance i need to use windows for certain applications and i can finally stop using my mac#to virtual machine windows on it to use windows taking up half of my ram cpu cores and storage LMAO#i now freed that up#next up is waiting for my soldering machine to get here so i can fix this ps5 controllers with halo affect analog sticks#which would mean never having to worry about stick drift any longer#i now patiently wait#personal#about me
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dfjfsdgfds @ anon NOOOOO don't worry about this!! Trust me you are not the first person who saw my icon like Messmer until squinting at it really hard xD Let's be real, not only Drake Warrior Set does have similar aesthetic, but also before SOTE actually launched we all thought Messmer was straight up connected with Dragon Communion!!
Though to be honest, even I myself keep thinking about Messmer on reflex looking at my icon dfhfdhfd The "vibe" morphed into some strange mental image that is like a "blend" of aesthetics and vibes (and genders) of Eleonora and Messmer and I could not shake it off! It even had a strong passive effect on my self-image and perception of my gender. š And it felt extremely cathartic picturing myself as this spontaneous "character" until they detached and literally became a new OC xD (if you are prone to fiction kinning, sprout minor alters like Malenia sprouts the sisterdaughters or both you just KNOW what I am talking about lol!!)
#personal#ask replies#it is very hard to explain this#but yeah I am deadass like Malenia who gets alters against her intention that also shortly become their own people#and sometimes a right drawing or even *idea* of a character is a beginning of it lol#granted I felt strong connection with Messmer and it is complicated.#I wish I could explain this process without having to hope the person knows from experience or knows someone LIKE that#but like... it is complicated lol. malenia's situation is the best comparison to it#I hate losing these 'images' though#I always feel like my 'real' self when they take over my self-image and then they just separate and become characters!!!#like no! stop becoming 2D remain my fursuits instead! bitch#I just want to feel complete but every time I feel like I've found my identity it cuts itself away from my empty husk and I am hollow again#just goes to show how important Malenia is#she like... represented things that you had no idea how much you NEEDED to be represented#she covered so many types of both physical and mental illnesses. she is like metaphor for literally every condition#THE relatable character#fromsoft just can't flop with characters but you KNOW martin added
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Having a job where i have to interact with coworkers all day has really made me notice how bad my social skills are
#like i like focus HARD on the work and i find it really hard to talk at the same time#which is interesting because i know my family/friends probably think i talk TOO much but its totally different depending on who im around#like if im with friends or people i feel really confortable with i can infodump for half an hour on shit they dont care about#but with my coworkers who are all adult men mostly 10+ years older than me and im laying i completely forget to talk#so with me its either non stop bullshit or just that fluoride stare#i know some coworkers are ok with it but i have at least one who clearly isnt a fan of long silences and tries to make conversation and#i realise i CANNOT hold a conversation with him so i probably come off as super boring#and even went prompted (asked a question) i usually just say Okey like ness and then go silent again#i dont mind that much but then sometimes i think back and im like wow. He was trying to talk to me and i probably came off as really boring#or shy or a stuck up bitch. which i dont think im any of#anyway im the šš§autistic for real
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~ ~ ~
#I hate who I am when I start missing human contact and feeling lonely#I start missing someone who was awful to me simply because they were reliable in talking to me every day and at least sort of my friend#I start craving the connections that you see in media even though I know those types arenāt real#it seems like everyone else has more people and better people and closer people in their lives than me#it seems like everyone has best friends and partners that are closer to them and better for them#and idk it just feels like things are missing from my life#I have a partner but I canāt always talk to them when I need to because they canāt always handle a conversation#I have a best friend but he barely ever answers my calls and things feel distant between us lately#I have other friends but theyāre not the kinds that I feel I could turn to for help when Iām lonely like this#I have my parents but neither of them are very good at comfort in these situations#and I just want to cry because I feel so completely by myself and I donāt know what to do anymore#I just want someone to talk to and who will listen to me when I need help and advice and be there for me#Iām starting to really miss the wrong people again even though I know Iām better without them in my life#but at least I could send them anything and get a response fairly soon when I needed to#at least for a while they were very close to me and i think thatās what I really miss most of all#just the closeness of another person since I donāt always feel that with other relationships these days#itās times like these I wish Iād just killed myself at 16 so I wouldnāt have to keep dealing with this over and over forever#itās times like these I wanna fade away#if Iām going to be alone anyway then why bother keeping others around at all? why not just break off and go be a hermit somewhere else?#but I canāt do that because I have too many responsibilities that I need to take care of#idk maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with#pretty sure I wasnāt supposed to make it this long in the first place#I mean Iām being facetious cause Iām not overly suicidal and Iām not actually going to do anything#just kinda wish I could in a weird sort of way#like missing the feeling of a blade slicing my skin since I stopped cutting a long time ago#just want more out of my relationships and from myself and from my life and idk how to get any of that#personal
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#dumping out all my issues here so bear with me#but iāve been in the same room for going on 72 hours#havenāt seen anyone or talked to anyone in person#i have covid so i feel miserable and have no motivation to do literally anything#but classes and work donāt stop so i have assignments piling that i have no energy to start or complete#on top of all this!!!?#my brain has decided NOW is the perfect time to have a crisis about the future#iām a senior in college and the real world is fast approaching which actually makes me physically iāll#bc wtf am i gonna do#anyway#iām having a hard time#and felt like complaining#apologies for clogging the dash#BUT THE ONLY THING ON EARTH RN I THINK WOULD ACTUALLY FIX ME IS A PUMPKIN COLD BREW I FUCKING NEED ONE SO BAD
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Ep 7 :)
#Like. The real issue isn't Louisa. I really get it actually.#Being extremely anxious and finding comfort in an overconfident person who does all the talk and alleviates your worriesā#is a very nice and real sentiment.#That said when you put it in the context of a franchise who just can't have women with agency.#Seeing her go through this complete abnegation is so... :///#Like you see Lucy go āIt might be because she doesn't care about herself too muchā and you'd expect the direction of the arcā#to be going towards a Louisa character development where she values herself more right? But then that just... Doesn't happen becauseā#God forbid women are valued (or even just. have character arcs of their own at all for the matter.)#Deep sigh. Look I'd stop talking about sexism every episode if every episode stopped being sexist#That said I still find her and Fitzgerald's relationship really cute. When I first watched the series I thought Louisa was in her thirties.#In a way I still like to think she is.#I like Fitgerald post Guild arc. He loves his wife does all the talking and loves sales as much as I do he's about the perfect man#This episode is very ššššššššš. It always looks like Fitzgerald is acting morally until it's revealed he isn't#And it is quite enjoyable! I like the unpredictable plot twists and I like how at times even a villain's pov is shown. I think Fitzgeraldā#is an interesting character. That said I really feel like the exasperated lack of morality is just out of the author's own belief thatā#there's no such thing as good and bad at all and everything is ultimately gray. Which I fundamentally don't agree with#I still like Fitzgerald tho. Idk. He's funny and charismatic and loves his wife#The daz/atsu in this episode was so cute š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ#Akutagawa next episode!! Finally!!!!!!!#random rambles
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