#so the last person there kinda has to
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Not me doing all the calculations of what I’d have left over wage wise if I were to lower my hours up to 9hours less and noting that I will still be able to live comfortably (i dont...spend...like anything....so-y’know)
but I still won’t be able to get the courage to ask for less hours because it is still like 300€ less and I haven’t even checked how it’d affect stuff like my pension (i have private insurance set up anyway bc it won’t be enough no matter what, but still)+ we already have a whole new schedule which let’s us have 2 days of ‘only’ 6hours of work, with the rest at 9 so it still comes up to 39hours
but also
imagine 2 days off
in a ROW even
i have tuesdays off (unless its a saturday off but thats a whole other spiel), and wednesday is a short day of 6hours
i COULD ask for that to just...be down to 0 so I’d have 32hours a work week, but then i’d have 2days off in a row and I’d stay for the short saturday where we usually are understaffed anyway
but also we aren’t allowed to hire new staff and our regional boss hinted at replacing or just removing staff bc...idfk, money?
they aren’t even willing to pay travel expenses for the staff that has been explicitly hired TO travel to different locations as needed in case of shortage
so it’s all going downhill anyway which is stressful but mostly annoying because I don’t wanna switch to a place that’s even more stuck up so i might as well switch my whole career but that’ll take at LEAST another 3 years of shit for all money but the same if not more stress
god
fuck your 20s, i have the anxiety of a teen and the responsibilities of an adult all while everything is a mess all the time
#txts#its...so annoying#also i was the last person hired so if anyone has to leave#it'll be me#bc contracts#you cant just fire someone for nothing or pick someone specific#afaik you cant even go fire someone bc staff stuff#they have to leave on their own#which...ofc no one will want to#so the last person there kinda has to#or the atmosphere will be way off
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I’m not ok when I think about bobby literally breathing life back into Athena before collapsing himself and not breathing - man gave her his last breath
#has anyone worked out how many people Bobby has saved since we last saw the book??#it would be kinda insane if Athena was the 148th person#because the symbolism of the bobby who needed to save 148 people dying so a new free from that burden bobby could be born#that this is Bobbys rebirth - that he got to do for Athena what he couldn’t for Marcy and now he can move forward#the symbolism of them being able to build a house together free from the past is also so good#I’m unwell over it actually#911 spoilers#Bobby nash#Athena grant#911 abc#bathena
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juvie buddies
#alek art#td duncan#td mal#total drama#total drama all stars#(if i want to get technical)#2024#duncan is around 15 here... mal is around 16#ive thought really hard about them these past few days . in my brain they actually knew each other and canon is different#duncan and mike got along really well. in juvie mal refused to speak to anyone about anything and would fight as many people as he could .#he wanted to stay in there and far away from home . they get roomed together and duncan is the first person who mal can talk to . he isnt#scared of him . he relates to him a lot . like -> wow we both act out for attention and people think we are terrible because of it#duncan being a mentally ill teenager seeing mal an also very mentally ill teenager thought 'i can fix him' . mike and duncan speak too here#i cant really see anyone else fronting besides those two . their brain was on lockdown and mike wanted out so bad . i see manitoba as a#gatekeeper so hed handle some sessions with their psych. i want to say they (duncan and mike) get moved to a psyche ward just because#i have more knowledge on being in one and how it goes ... but yeah i like duncan mal a lot . this art isnt ship whatsoever though 🙏 i dont#see them as a couple their dynamic is just better as friends imo#but anyways in all stars they obviously recognize each other but have an unspoken agreement not to say anything abt it#duncan is a known criminal but mike isnt like that . mike hadnt even told zoey about that part of his life . so duncan wanted to respect his#privacy -> then mal starts hurting people and he has to step in . mal isnt a good person by any means but i dont think he was that bad in#juvie . so duncan had to come to terms that his friend wasnt the same person he was years ago (in all stars duncan is ~18 and i think mike#is almost 20... so it had been a while since they last talked)#them getting each other like no other and being in pain because they couldnt really speak . i see them having a conversation still in moon#madness abt their past and history . god i just think abt them and their wasted potential wdym mike and duncan were in juvie together#duncan was in for trespassing or destruction of private property or something really dumb . mal fought his parent(s) and got in for assault#mal was already in when duncan was placed . and duncan was let out early on good behavior + his parents (dad) mostly did it to teach him a#lesson . wrong of them or otherwise . so mal was just kinda stuck there until they realized he was actually not right in the head . think he#knew abt their DID but was only diagnosed in juvie and had to go from there . tbh he shouldve been tried as an adult but td logic . doesnt#matter dw guys . mike gets the 'was put on random meds that made him go braindead' treatment bc that was me . post mental hospital abilify#had me messed up
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:-P
#how long ago did i watch pacific rim? i feel like it might have been last year but i finally drew this lmao#sometimes it just takes a while. newt specifically gets under my skin tho bc i think his research interests r kinda similar to mine#at least in a broad sense. but im dealing with cyanobacteria which is less exciting to most ppl lol but any fanfic i read thats like: newt#has 6 phds im like fucking what? what r they in? they have to be literature based right?! when would u have time to independently design.#carry out. write and defend for 6 independent projects in different topics by his age?#what as waste of time. i say as a person who would happily fuck around and collect degrees without ever having to get a real job#idk characters i relate to make me a little unhinged bc i do not like to relate to characters lol#pacific rim#herman gottlieb#newt geiszler#newton geiszler#tw blood#tw gore#also i agree with herman abt the numbers quote. physics is like literally understanding the fabric of the universe so like yeah#also i cant draw hermann and i cant see his face without thinking of owen from torchwood who i hated lol#pacrim
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I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?
What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.
#this is my curly slander post ig#disclaimer i need you to understand i see all fictional men i like as like butches Curly is no exception#but like they didnt need to add that many polygons to his chest like its unnessary and honestly a little mean he already has so many things#to handle and you expect him to hold those boys up like that just aint right this is like something so stupid but i know you can tell im#having strong feelings about it cause like what was the point why did they survive the fucking crash it has to be a injoke at this point#with the devs it shouldnt make me this mad im turning into a misandrist but only towards large chested men#mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#shitpost#suggestive#ig because this is just about his chest but like also they made him objectively pretty for no reason like yeah like ideal man and work ig#but they went over the extra mile like i have a right to be mad they did that much for a model we see canonically for like two seconds its#crazy actually how little we see of curly pre crash because we also lose his physical movements to help characterize him the way we see#body language with the other characters and how it gives way to their struggles and personalities and sentiments in certain moments#like all he does and how he emotes is stifled by the fact we always play as him until the last moments where he takes over to try and save#the ship and crew and even right before that the scene is so wrought with tension we cant tell what that look he gave Jimmy meant due to#the limitations of the models and how stiff Curly is like was it fear acceptance denial we dont know enought about how he acts himself#to tell and then everything else is charaterized by what Jimmy had done to where we dont really just get to see Curly as himself like Anya#and Swansea and Daisuke we have no idea how theyd act in a regular moment outside of a few glimpses and even then it is them doing#their jobs like grrrr we hate an unreliable narrator but also its the fact jimmy clearly does not interact with them or try to outside of#his position as copilot and then captain harkening back to the entire capitlist view of utility and how he views all of them as useless eve#Curly which fandom tangent the fandom also tends to do to Curly as they base every trait on what they think he failed to do as Captain#between Jimmy and Anya when the QnAs kinda make him out to be a rather open and willing person but still someone who isnt like a push over#just thinking of QnA three where it mentions hes very open to trying new things and you need to be an open minded person to open urself up#to failure like that and ig this is just the weird view that Curly needs to learn that or that theres redemption he needs personality wise#verses healing and learning from trauma like idk its the idea that people assume he did abosultely nothing when the games points out direct#and throught parallels he was taking actions its just wasnt enough and an over focus on absolute inaction vs ineffective methods used to#tackle the issues and themes the game grapples with plus wanting someone to take the blame and have to make it up to Anya even tho#i think it would mean nothing from Curly because she saw his efforts and would be disappointed it wasnt enough but the idea she would#disregard the attempts or not acknoweldge Jimmy as the epicenter compared ot Curly is weird and too focused on someone
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Lil messy comic I made for the shits n giggles
#I made this in black in white and then added color gradients over top of it#I should do that more in my art it’s fun and easy lmfao#Milo’s last name is Maddison btw#Milo doesn’t necessarily like people calling him that due to it reminding him of his father but Hazel likes teasing him#my comics#my comic#myart#art#artwork#procreate#Milo likes to not show his true emotions around people his whole thing is lying to manipulate people and to like. Make people like him more#He acts very charming but he’s a very angry guy with a lot of hatred in his heart#He has to keep his business afloat somehow though so tricks it is#Obviously not all of his personality is fake in public eye but like MOST of it is LMFAO#Hazel on the other hand is just deadpan angry 24/7 he doesn’t care to hide much of his personality#Besides being sad or showing weakness#Hazel and Milo have a very strange relationship#Hazel doesn’t care to push Milo’s buttons even though Milo could fire him at any time#But tbh Milo likes how Hazel won’t work well with him at times. He likes being pushed back (well most times anyway Hazel CAN get annoying)#Milo tends to be around a lot of yes men so Hazels a nice change of pace for him#It’s kinda why Hazel is Milo’s right hand man and bodyguard of sorts#doodle#doodles
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OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever
#jrwi fanart#cw blood#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#arthur bennett#OUHH THIS ONE WAS SITTING IN MY WIPS FOR SO LOOOONGwhen i took it out there was mould on it :sob:#BUT i think i was able to fix it up okay#i keep seeing SO MANY MISTAKES RRAAAHHH BUT YOU DONT SEE THEM RIGHT?? THATS ONLY ME. RIGHT?? EXACTLY.#THE KEY IS TO SAY. AND REPEAT AFTER ME. 'FUUUCK IT WE BALL#so anyway. arthur bennett huh? grizzly says that arthur is reaal fuckin difficult to play. and i SUPER get that. i mean LOOK AT HIM..#grizz often needs a minute to think abt what hes gonna say in a way that matches w that Stoic Personality. which is FAIR but also that#ends up making way for awkward confrontations like: the lady in the parky lot. he took too long to answer and scared her away.& I LOVE THAT#arthur is tragic and sad and cool and stoic but hes ALSO awkward and silly and kinda dumb and short sighted. HE HAS COMPLEXITIES#I LOVE WHEN TTRPG CHARACTERS HAVE A GOOD SET OF SHORTCOMINGS. ESPECIALLY WHEN U FIND THEM ONLY AS U PLAY THEM.#I COULd go on and on saying the same things w different words abt arthurs intriguing and entertaining character but i shall spare u. for no#ILL ALSO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS FLAVOR THO.. I LOVE TALL HOT BOY WHOS ONE W THE DARKNESS.. I REMEMBER WHEN HE FIRST MENTIONED THE#BADLUCK. N I WAS LIKE OOOHH THATS WHY HIS DESIGN IS SO COOL N CHAOTIC N ASYMMETRICAL. HES UNLUCKY!!! i love love love his design so much...#GRaaauruguguraguhhghghgh what else what else is there for me to spew on abt...i think im reachin a limit here..OH MAGNUS. i hope that#we get to know more abt how magnus and arthur met.. like How they became besties... ouuhh... I ALSO WANNA KNOW MORE ABT MARY DAVIS. LIKEHOW#he also apparently spent alotta time in a zone dominated by edward twilight? all he remembers is constant partying? I WANNA KNOW MORE..#i think i got room 4 one more ramble SO. THE ART PIECE.as i said its gone a lil stale BUT. im still very proud o the bits where hes allScar#I WANNA SEE HIM GET SCARYMORE. I like the idea of shadows solidifying to make him strange and eerie.like TEETH n CLAWS n SPINES n YESS#also the SILVER EYES.no1 does silver eyes like the show Claymore. they make em look so striking and eerie...i also like to think that#human arthur had deep beautiful brown eyes.just in my beaitufl heart.i mean look at him..i wanna cook him n eat him.ANYWAY#i think thats all my ramblin for this piece. now i gotta go cancel a single day i had ata hotel bc my work schedule change last minute FUCK#feel free to ramble in my tags aswell tho i read all of them and i chew on thenm and i love them so sos os mcuh
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I haven’t posted art in forever, (I am currently working on art tho!! It’s just taking me a bit cuz.. job..) but! But… what about if instead of the art u guys came here for. I instead posted pictures of the cool lil outfits I’ve been wearing recently that im rlly proud of… what about that???
#part of the issue w art is also for some reason. FOR REAL. the default shit I want to draw is just ME. IN MY VARIOUS CUTE LIL OUTFITS#I’ve become a narcissist… a fashion obsessed narcissist.. i just want everyone to see and admire my cool fits…#I struggle. so much more drawing shit that is not me nowadays. and I have so much less free time#but then I don’t FINISH the pics of me cuz I’m like ‘this is too self indulgent!!! stop!! draw fanart!!#like a normal person!!! ghgh-‘#ur rlly gonna come back from an art hiatus w just a bunch of silly pics of u being cute… get a fucking grip..#uhhh.. but anyway lol#I am still drawing. I’m currently working on some expiremental lineless digital art#cuz I felt shaking stuff up might help#we shall see if I finish it tho!#it me#pepper words#anyway look at my fits#my one. 2 curses r in bad at taking pictures#and I live in a dingy basement so the lighting fucking SUCKS#u cannot see all the detail…. u cannot make out All of my lil accessories#it’s sad…#all these outfits r very black and white i do in fact wear colors… mostly red. n green#but I am rlly In my aristocratic vampire / witch era right now… and I’m loving it…#middle 2 pics r the same outfit. just w and without cloak lol#also pls do me a kindness and ignore my messy ass room#lady outfit is actually my most recent and my room HAS gotten less messy! I cleaned it up!#but it’s still kinda. got some clutter lol#*last outfit. not lady outfit ghghg- these r gender neutral femme leaning outfits I’ll have u kno typo!!#also pls ignore the shit on my mirror!! the lil white speckles and stuff! I rlly gotta fucking clean that.. if I wanna keep taking cute#pictures of my outfits lol… I mean. it’s not MY mirror so I don’t think to clean it.. but it is in my living space…#mayhaps… I should clean it lol
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Okay now that the ant is almost done: any other requests for semi-realistic but improbably sized creature plushies? Reference images are, as always, a bonus but not required (even I cannot predict what I will make next, and so far at y'all's suggestion I've made a horseshoe crab and an ant in the last week lol)
#the person behind the yarn#I have also made a worm#but that's beginning to look like a perpetual state of being?#like at any given point you could ask 'hey has TJ made a giant worm in the last week?'#and the answer will be yes#like. kinda hope it isn't a perpetual state of being for me#but on the other hand: giant worms#it's like maximum bang for your buck but instead it's maximum plushie for your time#with the bonus of confusing people and also my grandma hates the worms lol#she says I should give the worms faces so they have personalities#I told her the worms have personalities. that personality is worm#I've decided to not even try to corral my brain into creating specific things until next week#and even then I'm just going to reevaluate next week I make no promises lol
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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no one would notice if i ever vanished // if bodies could sustain // this never-ending army // like blood pumping through a vein
(click for better resolution!)
:OOO hello. anyway since these are all posters i'd have in an ideal world or smth and i'd like to store the high res versions somewhere,,, here's the google drive folder for them? hehe ''
close up!
#adamandi#vincent aurelius lin#i'm back with the posters! or smth! idk!!#i'm maybe just a bit obsessed with vincent. such a Character.#where can i run is sustaining me single-handedly through this exam season (<- has cried thrice in the last two days; alas; but moving on)#my stress response was that in a fit of apathy i shut myself down from academia and stopped to paint this#six hours total? on this funky little thing! had to push myself to finish the magnifying glass but!! looks so cool. i'm impressed with my e#fun fact: all the shades are hand-coloured. aka everything is digitally hand painted hooray!! i havent painted for a long time (ish)#smth about this musical makes me want to paint. it's very lovely that way#it's also a miracle i haven't gotten carpal tunnel or any wrist injuries so far... i'm a lucky person! hooray#i had so many thoughts to ramble about and now i don't recall any of them.#-! about this piece: inspired specifically by that one line that i doodled in the margins of a math practice last night#the diagonal slant was very. thinky. the rendering and angle were kinda contradictory to do but it's fineeee (draft was diff. pov)#i liked the red abstraction. and the way that people (misc) gave same vibes as red blood cells.#green for vincent because contrasting colour!! considered a spotlight that was more obv bc. again theatre lighting is so cool. but that was#a bit too literal? i think. so just fun little highlights. no one look at the accuracy of anything here though.. shadows do Not do this#also like hehehe lin. forest. forest of people. i really liked thinking about that. hehehe#i didn't know the font to use!! or quote!! so i slapped on the name of the musical and called it a day... the blank one is in the google-#-folder if you want to add your own stuff :') also also i wasn't sure about cropping at all. so again high res in google drive link#which is under the keep-reading sign! kind of a choose your own adventure because i'm lazy :3#ajhshdhfhfhfhf i think i've been fuelled by the tags under each post so far. so intensely. so very nice.#also when the cast or creators drop fun facts... serotonin right there.. they're all so nice waaagh it's so cool that they like my stuff ><#<laughs> really grateful that the whole fandom's so sweet <3 thank you for your support TvT#alright!! off to mess about with chemistry. jiayou me.#oh yes. a post script about the cropping crisis: i wasn't sure how small i wanted to make him. in proportion to the crowd. so if you see it#on mobile ig it's tiny and on laptop it kind of makes sense ...
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confiding
#ffxiv#ffxiv wol#shadowbringers#shadowbringers spoilers#ocs#oc: yesui#it’s only impliedish but this does hinge on you being a Knower so#gotta draw more yesui and exarch stuff. the people must know.#essentially after getting accidentally brought back to life by him kinda#she went well since i can’t protect kiril right now i might as well throw myself at the next best thing: this guy#and despite the exarch telling her she’s free to go and she by no means has to stay w him at all times#it takes a while for her to be like wow. i can … do that….#cue her cryptid arc around the crystarium#she ends up assigning like. the whole crystarium as her charge#side note. she’s like. i have to devote myself to protecting [insert thing here] or else I don’t know what to do with myself#so a whole city rather than one person is honestly big steps for her good job#oh also she was another reason why it was so hard to grab kiril’s soul#bc she was actively batting the exarch away from it until he managed to snag her#so she was the last person to get mistakenly sent to the first#anyways that’s all my yesui lore for tonight good night
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just an fyi, and it feels like it needs to be said here: your blog is your own space and you should be able to say whatever the fuck you want. if you’re sad? vent. get sad. maybe put it under a cut, definitely tag it, but get sad. if you feel like you need someone to talk to? drop a freaking message about how you’re feeling like you could use a buddy, or anything randomly engaging. if you’re having a hard time, you should feel safe and okay to talk about it in your own space. we’re writers and we’re people and while there’s a lot to be said for how engagement outside of oneself is necessary in rp (and really really needs to improve), i think there’s a lot that must be said about people reaching out to others. it’s become so solitary here — the whole ‘reblog from source’ thing when it comes to shit like about and musings is absurd. the whole refusing to like things is ridiculous. yes, curate your space, that’s important, but curating your space into a studio apartment only you live in doesn’t make this a community anymore, it makes it a studio apartment you live in.
just be yourself here. do whatever you want. but i’m always saying: remember you’re not alone, and don’t let yourself feel that way.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[this is illogically worded and after an argument I’m already upset but I just felt like this has to be put here. it’s been sitting on my#brain for so long and it’s something i just wanted to discuss. the way the rpc has become not even an echo chamber just… a shitty ny#apartment only one person lives in that can fit your fridge and your bedroom in the same room. the way literal fandoms have divided each#other through nothing but massive senses of entitlement and so much gatekeepy fucking language. it’s exhausting to watch this happen#literally all because i have no idea where interaction went and yes I’ve been virtually inactive for months now but. it absolutely isn’t for#lack of trying to come back. it’s hugely due to a lack of interaction whenever I reach out and then the feeling like I’m being either#entertained or dismissed. this is a social space and we’re people and everybody just needs to recognize that. like. last week my introverted#broski started discussing how as he’s older he feels loneliness more tangibly but he hates people and i looked right at him and said …yeah#dude. that’s natural. we’re humans. we need each other to live. we need spaces we create and communities we make. but like. there need to be#interactive people in those spaces. we’re social creatures. i love you guys and this is a ramble but… it’s been on my mind awhile. and#frankly? feels kinda good to finally speak my mind.]
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Batb: Other Than Human - Themes stuff (& why I Called It That)
That's right folks, the self-indulgent "throwing any concept I like at the wall and haphazardly mixing together what sticks" au rewrite Thing has Actual Themes! That kind of happened accidentally but they are so real for that so let's get into it.
The Main Narratives Themes Trio of the story now all also embody expanded themes about being an "Other", when being a person is not enough to be properly considered human- more specifically of a neurodivergent/queer girlhood type flavor.
Summary is that it's called "Other Than Human" because the prominent theming is about being considered something other than human due to not fitting the mold of the 'norm'.
[This is a long one so details & specific character stuff are under the cut<3]
Amalure has the greatest departure from her original counterparts thematic placing, so we'll start with her. Amalure retains Gaston's social standing, reputation, etc. But it's of course not quite the same- because she is a woman, and she is not revered for being the picture of ideal womanhood/femininity. Instead, she excels in masculinity, but remains firm that she is and always will be a woman. So, to justify the desire & awe people have for her, they dehumanize her: She doesn't need to follow the Rules because she is outside of them. Amalure is not a person: she is a symbol, a figure, an object. A legend, a folksong, a modern myth. Her skills are not skills they are blessings, inherent, a mundane magic or supernatural. Despite having grown up in Villeneuve for her entire life, she is considered exotic, and is practically, if not actually, fetishized. And through all of this, the status quo and social order gets to be retained without question, and she gets to exist as the exception that proves the rule, rather than the Undesirable that she'd be marked as otherwise.
Amalure is fine with this, because this dehumanization is her status quo: She doesn't really view herself as a person either, she is defined by her relationship to other people, by who she is to them. Amalure has never been a person to anybody: Growing up she was never just a girl, never just Amalure: She was a girl with a mans brain, an embodiment of her fathers greatest achievements, an embodiment of her mothers worst mistakes, she is her fathers daughter or her mothers daughter, but not her own. (and she never both, it is either or, mother or father, never both, never parents.)
Princess Eve/The Beast is the other end of this, of operating through her dehumanization. Upon being cursed, she adheres to what societies have oft wanted to happen to their Undesirables: Hide away and never be seen by the public again. It is entirely self-inflicted, as most of her suffering truly is. She operates not through others dehumanizing view of her, but her dehumanizing view of herself and its warping of how she believes others view her. Because, well, the servants still view her as a person. I mean, they're still human- under the new object forms. And the separation of humanity that is easy to slip into on matters of royalty is awfully minimal as well; they watched her grow up, and she grew up among them.
The girl's bratty, spoiled, temperamental, and is a ball of horrid consequences of the shallow views and ideals learned from surrounding nobility. But she's also the girl that fell asleep listening to Cogsworth explain the many technicalities to managing servants; because she was stubborn in asserting her authority as the mistress of the castle, and thus she Must have say over its goings ons. But the majordomo's voice can be awfully soothing when he's not high-strung on anxiety, and it's hard to pay attention when you don't understand what's being discussed, so its all going in one ear and out the other. And She's Lumiere's 'Evie', who was so amused when Lumiere would draw on a little mustache when dancing the male roles so the princess could learn some duo dances, or because she didn't look very "waiter-like" (because Eve wasn't entirely sure what a maître d' did, but it seemed to have something to do with waiters), and who got annoyed every time the dance teacher/maître d' would warn her not to hurt her body in her pursuits, because it seemed so silly, why would anyone do that? And she's the girl who dragged Mrs. Potts to have tea with her, because she made the best tea and as princess she would have only the best; and if you're going to have tea you may as well have a tea party, and you can't really have a party of one, but two isn't much of a party either so she's going to drag Babette away from her duties too, since the maid was so elegant and thus would be perfect.
Honestly, the girl probably would've turned out fine if she was raised by just the servants. But they weren't the only forces in her life: she's a princess, so she's got to host and interact with important people and learn how to Be noble which isn't something any of the servants can teach her. And it is under the pressures and eyes of nobility, is in mixing and learning their social rules, that learns the lessons that will lead to her curse: That to be considered human and treated as such, one must look human. And to be such as a woman meant to look beautiful, like the ideal. As a woman, to be worthy is to be beautiful and vice versa. And even if she does not, she must have some way to serve men. Otherwise, she is nothing. Eve met these requirements well, and where she did not yet her authority as princess covered. So when a beggar woman is at her doorstep, the princess turns her away: because she is old, ugly, so long past her 'prime'- there is no worth to her anymore. There is no point caring for her future.
Helene stands as both the middle ground and inverse to the other two. She is an Other by virtue of her mind, she is Objectifiable by virtue of her beauty. She sits on the precipice between Undesirable and Desired, seeming nearly apathetic to where she lands despite popular encouragement to embrace or smother aspects of herself. Helene is quite sure she's a person like anyone else, thank you, and is frankly frustrated and a bit weirded out that others seem to have a hard time getting the memo- she doesn't like or want to assume the worst, though, so maybe she just missed another confusing untold social rule or something. I mean, the local triplets really do seem to be advising in good faith- they really do think of her as one of them to an extent (for reasons Helene is yet to know); they just don't understand her.
When Amalure pursues her, there's an unspoken aspect to the deal of marriage she proposes: Helene will get a secured place on the in of the community, a secure standing the promises people no longer questioning or trying to encourage her to no longer be herself. But Helene just isn't interested in Amalure like that, and she also sees what the real trade-off of that security is; that uncomfortable dehumanization that is exactly what Helene doesn't want to deal with anymore. If Amalure is fine living with it than she is free to do as she pleases, but the huntress doesn't seem to understand what Helene could possibly have a problem with- and it's not like they can discuss it, because it's unspoken, and you're not supposed to speak the unspoken things, because they're unspoken for a reason- even if you don't know what that reason is. Helene knows that rule, at least.
When Helene meets the Beast, she regards her as she does any other. It's plain as day that the Beast has a humanity to her, whether she's really "human" or not- she thinks and she feels, and that's enough for Helene.
Because Helene grew up raised by a single dad who she got most of her brain workings from, and he is a man of compassion and science. Off he'd send his beloved daughter to go and question and figure out the world for herself, to experiment and learn and become whatever she desires. Off to bed he'd send her to tell her fairy tales and have their lessons of love and compassion and humanity understood as she drifted off to sleep. Helene was never Odd with her father, never Other, in fact they were so easily two of a kind. It was so jarring, hearing people imply Tyndare less than sane; his logic paths were so easy to follow- but apparently his voice gruffs enough that others have a hard time understanding what he's saying sometimes, so that's where things seem to get lost in translation she guesses. People became jarring in other ways as she grew up too, because suddenly there seemed to be lots of social things she was supposed to know or be but didn't and wasn't, and it became very apparent very quickly that she was an Other among her village.
Overall: Eve & Helene get to go through these themes through the main plot, and post curse-breaking is when Eve gets to properly deal with the internalized issues and whatnot. Like she's learned beauty doesn't matter when it comes to love, and shouldn't decide whether or not someone should be cared about, and Helene loves her despite her having been beastly and despite her being a failure of a woman- (because she no longer fits the feminine ideal after the curse is broken, and frankly she never will again.) But she's still a Failure Of A Woman and Helene deserves Better Than That! So there's still work to do.
Amalure remains static on this aspect of the narrative until after the battle at the castle, where she does survive! .. barely. and it's later, in an argument with her mother that same night, bleeding out on the kitchen floor, when she asserts that she's her daughter too, not just her fathers. she has always been her daughter, always will be, she is the daughter of both of them, because that's not something that just switches or turns on and off- and it's an entire rant that I will not recite here, but the important part is the assertion that she is, always has been, always will be, the daughter of both her parents at once- that's the first little step for her arc of recognizing her own individual personhood and whatnot.
#Amalure's mother is a CHARACTER alright#she has a ref I need to make too...#fun fact Amalure falls asleep in her childhood bed that night being convinced the last thing she did was yell at her mom#and acutely aware that there is no comfort for her in this house.#Wire monkey mother frfr#anyways uh hi.#how obvious is it that the person making this is a she/it ND sapphic???#because Hi hello that is I#Yes Helene is VERY definitely Neurodivergent.#I can easily say she's autistic because the traits she displays are most commonly associated w/ it#but tbh I don't have autism and I didn't give her those traits with specifically autism in mind or research#so she's just.. generally Not Neurotypical.#project whatever you want onto her as you will#Fun fact the physique change Eve gets after being uncursed is me finding a justification for me basing part of her design on thinking that#Amalure seeing her and immediately having the Worst gender envy of her life since her dad died#while Eve is having like the worst body image issues of her life#would be kinda funny lowk#Also I might have a type but shhhhhhh#anywayss uhhh#gem stop yapping in ur tags#batb: other than human#ramblez brambles#doodlez#I just did some mild editing w/ the ref art cuz I'm too lazy to make new shit for this and I didn't want this to Just be a text post#Princess Eve#Helene#Amalure#sorry of any of this is rambly/hard to read I randomly woke up at like 2:30am#idk when I started writing this post but idr doing much of anything beforehand besides making the little banner thing#and it's... 6:13am now.
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#We've had our yearly secret santa gifts exchange at my dorm and I've been gifted the first volume of Beast 😭😭😭😭😭#I'm crying forever. This december marks three years since I've watched the first b/sd episode#and yet this is the first time I actually own a b/sd manga volume. Like I own it and I can read it whenever I want!!! How cool is that!!!!!#Like there's so many Akutagawa images in it!!!! It's insane!!!!!!!! AND IT'S BEAST AT THAT#I'm deeply moved because I never spoke about it to virtually anyone here (at my dorm)?#Like I suppose a bunch of people vaguely know I like anime but only a couple of close friends know I like. Like-like reading manga lol.#And the person who gifted it DEFINITELY didn't know I like anime in general much less b/sd specifically much less Beast in particular!!!!!#I'm 100% sure (they just arrived this year and we hadn't even had that much occasions to talk to each other).#Which means they went through the trouble of gathering intel from my close friends about what I like and actually follow through‚#seek for the specific manga in a comic store etc... It's such a nice gesture I'm so heartwarmed.#And of course I'm glad for every gift I've received in the last years (genuinely)‚ but the fact that this was the most *specific* to what–#I like. It makes it so special! They were so kind.#There must be one (1) person in this whole 60 people dorm who knows I like Beast–#(that would be the girl who introduced b/sd to me in the first place) and the fact that they asked them for it...#I feel both very grateful and lucky lol#When I unwrapped it!!! Like I thought it was just a random book which would have been nice but like!!!!!#When I actually saw through the thin paper the cover!!!! The scream I screamed in my head#Anyways!!!! I own a b/sd manga now!!!!! I've only got time to go through the first chapter so far but it's suchhhh an experience.#It's like reading it for the first time again 😭😭😭 Half because the translation is so much different than the English one lol.#And I basically know the English version by heart. Half because I never saw this kind of high quality!!!!! It's!!!!! Insane!!!!! Like!!!!!!#I'm crying 😭😭😭 The drawings are so sharp and crisp (in the good way). The lines are so clean there's no disturbance at all#I literally never saw anything so good in my life I'm crying a little. I'm so so glad they blessed me with Beast specifically#The takebon edition is pretty cheap (it's just planet manga so there's no color illustrations or dust cover or anything unfortunatelly.#But to make up for it the volumes are significantly cheaper then let's say J-Pop)#There's also some unique typesetting choices? The text from the book-like boxes is in lowercase which is interesting!#Initially I thought I wouldn't have liked the translation (opening it randomly there was Akutagawa saying “crepa!” (“die!”) to Dazai in ch1#Which was kinda jarring since it's very low register and everyone knows Akutagawa has very complex speech patterns.)#But actually reading it I'm really enjoying the translation so far!!!!#There's so many choices that made me grasp details I actually missed all the times I've read the English translation.#That is to say! Very excited to read it!!!! Will probably make a review / translation commentary if I can find the time!!!!!
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Remind me not to post fics around my night shifts thinking I could use the pick-me-up; I am clearly way too touchy when I am sleep deprived. While I am trying to take things in the (hopefully) meant-to-be-helpful spirit of things, it is currently just not working because my mood is so low as to need a magnifying lense to be seen.
#chatter#personal rant#When people try to be helpful#it would be nice if they at least commented on the fic#gonna take a nap now#because I got in to work another night shift today#coworker asked me how I was doing#and I kinda burst into tears#so they sent me to bed#there isn’t anything to do currently#but it still feels like a personal failing#not being able to go into work and be ready for it#just to clarify#this has nothing to with the helpful comments#and everything to do with#practically getting no sleep on my last night shift#and just generally bordering depression when I am forced to be awake after midnight
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