#so she really might as well count
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two of the characters on that evolucien sheet, mathieu the fashion designer and those two dudes that look identical, went on to actually be characters in this series of stories i published. mathieu is the main character in laurels, and the brother of miles lacroix from the identical thief/cop story stars in carnations.
and then there is the third story in that collection, daffodils, in which the character tessa.... was also originally a fantroll.
everything gets recycled. nothing is ever wasted
#honestly you could make an argument that vanesse from my next TT book is a lucy offshoot#it was unintentional but the backstory i gave her is identical to thief lucy's#so she really might as well count
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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Wang LingJiao used the chance to scramble out. She took out a cylinder of fire-light from her lapels and shook it a few times. A light shot out of the cylinder. Along with a sharp whistle, it rushed out of the wooden window and exploded in the sky outside. Then, she fumbled out a second one, a third one. Hair tangled, she mumbled, “Come… Come… Come here… Everyone, come here!” Through the pain, Wei WuXian pushed Jiang Cheng, “Stop her from sending any more signals!” Jiang Cheng let go of Wei WuXian and lunged in the direction of Wang LingJiao. Yet, at the same time, Wen ZhuLiu was closing in on Madam Yu. He looked as if he was about to knock her down. Jiang Cheng hurried, “Mom!” He immediately gave up on Wang LingJiao and threw himself over. Wen ZhuLiu didn’t even turn his head as he struck, “Not even close!” Jiang Cheng’s shoulder suffered the attack. Blood immediately burst from his mouth. Wang LingJiao had already let out all of the signal fire-lights. Sharp whistles and bright sparks filled the entire grey-blue sky. - Chapter 58, EXR
It's quite interesting how, in this moment, Jiang Cheng does exactly what he's always criticised Wei Wuxian of doing: endangering the Yunmeng Jiang sect by 'playing the hero'. That's not what either of them are doing, of course – it isn't a motivation for Jiang Cheng here, it's not a motivation for Wei Wuxian anytime else, and the motivations they have definitely make sense – but it's exactly the sort of behaviour Jiang Cheng would criticise Wei Wuxian for, with those exact words.
Yet, no character ever criticises him for this – Wei Wuxian doesn't, even when it was his (necessary) advice that was disregarded; Madam Yu doesn't, even when her sect suffered as a consequence. Even when it very likely played a role in Lotus Pier's downfall (at least in getting a lot of Wen sect cultivators to get there very fast), it's never brought up by any character ever again... whereas Wei Wuxian's action of saving Lan Wangji, Jin Zixuan and Mianmian in the Xuanwu cave constantly is, even when the Wen sect was pretty certainly going to attack Lotus Pier anyway*. That's not to say Jiang Cheng should be blamed for the fall of Lotus Pier, either – that's on the Wen sect, and regardless of both of their actions, the attack was probably going to be a success. And can we blame someone for making a panicked decision protect his mother? – but one's action is definitely more direct than the other, and it's not the one that's constantly blamed.
The aim, though, isn't to compare the actions so much as the attitudes of the people involved, and this is another little detail that shows the imbalance in Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng's dynamic. Again, Wei Wuxian doesn't say anything about this afterwards, and doesn't seem to blame him, even when it's his words that were disregarded, and when the Jiang sect and Lotus Pier were undoubtedly very important to him as well. Which is good! That's a good thing and definitely the healthier option for both of them! If the roles were flipped, and Wei Wuxian saved a(n admittedly non-Yu Ziyuan) person, disregarding Jiang Cheng's orders while leading to more danger falling on Lotus Pier? Jiang Cheng would never stop blaming him or bringing it up. Even after the many years that passed between then and Wei Wuxian's resurrection, he still blames Wei Wuxian for the fall of Lotus Pier due to his actions in the Xuanwu cave** – once again, a much less direct scenario.
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*Very strategic location (trade hub etc), they attacked the Cloud Recesses already, Jiang Cheng's internal narration literally admits this:
In his heart, Jiang Cheng knew clearly that back in the cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter at Dusk-Creek Mountain, even if Wei WuXian hadn’t saved Lan WangJi, the Wen Sect would have found some reason to come over sooner or later. But he had always felt that, if the whole thing with Wei WuXian didn’t happen, maybe it wouldn’t have been so soon, maybe there would’ve been some way to turn things around - Chapter 59, EXR
Yet there was some time between the end of the Wen indoctrination and the Fall of Lotus Pier, and we never even saw attempts at security adjustments!
**As we see in the Ancestral Hall:
Jiang Cheng mocked, “Look how forgetful you are. What does unwelcome people mean? Then let me remind you. It was because you played the hero and saved Second Young Master Lan, who’s standing beside you right now, that the entire Lotus Pier and my parents went down with you." - Chapter 87, EXR
#also when i do the chapter-by-chapter analysis reread i do want to count how many times jc responds to wlj vs how many times wwx responds#because from not counting it seems jc might have done it more? and that obviously would serve to anger her as well#(and yet she only glares at wwx when he says something – in her case probably more due to her grudge bc of xuanwu cave?#-as although she DOES talk about the place of servants etc i'm pretty sure the wen sect views *everyone* as below them#and they have the power to kill the jiang clan and get away with it - there isn't fear due to power/status there#plus it's not like she cares about/is very informed about talking derogatorily to/about members of the non-wen gentry (or even wzl)#(see: how she talks to Madam Yu)#BUT that being said she still is very classist (despite her position – both things can be true) and wwx's background probably played-#a role in how bad the grudge was? bc someone so low (non-wen and not even part of the gentry) did that to her... though it *definitely*-#would've existed regardless and i don't think it would've changed anything on her end had it been someone else/had wwx BEEN part of it)#(also yzy did play a major role in this as well but that's not the point of discussion in this post)#mdzs#mdzs meta#my meta#mo dao zu shi#魔道祖师#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#gdc#jiang cheng#wei wuxian#poisons 3#i guess this is jiang cheng critical even though my intention really isn't to bash him#just... power imbalance class imbalance and insecurities fun times
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Full disclosure that this post was inspired by this wonderful meme. So you know where my brain is at.
I've been recently working on a Splatoon au for SAF, and this got me thinking about an aspect of one of my character choices. Because the importance and fear of abandonment is a key part of why I think Owen works well as Marina.
Now, being completely frank, the primary reason for my making curtwen be pearlina is because I am biased, and want my one set of faves to be my other set of faves. (Indeed, I have thought about how Owen and Tatiana could well have been the other way around - and this would lead to compelling character choices for both of them! Tatiana as Marina, who is trying to leave behind her past as a prodigious child soldier, would work really well - Owen as Acht, who is left behind and relinquishes their body and free will in avoidance of distraction and pursuit of perfection, is an idea that haunts me.) But there are also ways that I think it works!
During the Chaos vs Order splatfest, I think one of the things that scares Marina most is the idea of losing Pearl. The characters all have slightly different reasons for joining their team in that splatfest, but I always see Marina's as being that the order and status quo she is seeking to protect is the new life she has built with Pearl.
To me, Marina is a character who craves stability and is terrified of being abandoned, specifically because she once uprooted a stable life and abandoned everything she knew. And, while that decision allowed her to escape her home and make her dreams come true, it was nonetheless incredibly turbulent, and I think it feels very fragile for her. I think it feels particularly fragile while Pearl doesn't yet know that Marina is an Octarian (which - goodness, how scared must she have been when Pearl found out?), and the idea of this beautiful reality she has found herself in shattering terrifies her. And the idea of Pearl leaving is most terrifying of all.
I always like the idea that Owen was scared of being abandoned pre-fall. That he felt like everything good might shatter in an instant, that everyone he loved could leave or die without warning, and that it was hard to accept that Curt might actually stay. (And then, once he finally did accept it, once the trust between them grew to the point that Curt leaving Owen behind became unthinkable, the impossible happened.) So this idea of the fear of abandonment is something I'm particularly in favour of as part of my au.
Particularly, one of the things that is especially fun to me, is that in this splatoon au, Owen becomes so scared of being abandoned specifically because he's been the one who left. And he knows how abrupt that was.
#you opened the box#the owen as acht idea may lead to me making an alternative version of the au tbh. the idea of owen and sanitisation genuinely haunts me#however in that paradigm really curt should be the marina and instinctively that does not work for me#the thing about being an Octarian btw is also really fun for me in this au. i always need some big reveal for owen in any au#in totk it's the dragon in splatoon it's curt finding out that owen is an octarian.#also something i find fun in this au is that i decided to make Owen fake his own death for real this time#bc i personally don't count the fall as faking his death. but in this au he does fake his death to make sure no-one follows him#except for one person who he fully intends to realise what he's doing: tatiana.#he leaves evidence in such a way that she'll know what he's done (bc circumstances mean he can't just tell her)#but while she gets the message that he's alive#the implication of 'hey you're the one person here i care about maybe come with when you can' doesn't come across properly#uhhh this post is a mess but so am i#anyway this au started out as me wanting curtwen to be silly gay cephalopod pop stars#and then i got angsty and now i just think a lot about tatiana getting sanitised and i feel sad.#this post is largely unfocused oh well#not gonna tag as either character bc i don't think owen fans want marina analysis in the tag and vice versa#counting on however few moots might be interested
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i love how so much of the stuff in delicious in dungeon that's not central to the main plot is left up to the reader/viewer's interpretations. it leaves a lot of space for fans to imagine what else happens outside of the plot, especially with how good the world building is. a sentiment ive seen more than a few times is that any character in dungeon meshi can be shipped with almost any other character, and because of how it ends you can even imagine characters who didn't interact much or at all eventually becoming friends and/or lovers, and there's so many ways for fans to imagine what else happens in this world after the story ends. there's little bits of interaction between characters that could easily be interpreted one way or another, but there's no malicious baiting or anything that's intentionally implied without being explicit.
That said, it is a little sad that there's no canon romance between Falin and Marcille, as far as I can tell, cause this type of thing happens so often in stories, where two characters of the same gender have romantic vibes but the writer didn't have the slightest intention of it being romantic. Also a little sad that, as far as I can tell, she didn't intend for Laios to be autistic either...
(to be clear, im NOT mad at ryoko kui here! this is JUST me being sad about the lack of good, intentional representation for queer and autistic people in media and how that conflicts with my appreciation for Kui's writing)
#dunmeshi#like i love how she wrote it and i do think its usually wiser for a writer to not get so in the weeds about character details#like a certain infamous wizard book author does.......#but what i mean is it's just a little sad that once again marginalized ppl have to just settle for headcanons#instead of explicitely queer or intentionally neurodivergent characters#id even be so happy if kui said she likes the interpretation of laios as autistic or or marcille and falin as romantic#i like it when writers say they like a common unintentional interpretation of their work without making a hard decision to make it canon#and i like that people have so many different interpretations of the characters#i just really wanna see more gay and nd ppl represented well in media#once again im gonna complain about how i can only think of 3 main character m/m relationships in animation#1 of those shows was cancelled#1 is no longer watchable unless you pirate it or have a dvd#and the other was a spinoff that also might not be available to watch.... fuck hbo#as for wlw theres a few more but only if you count the ones that weren't explicitly shown or only shown in the finale like korra and asami#fuck im waisting all my time and adderall on rambling about dunmeshi when im supposed to be doing work!#i finished my assignment but i have commissions to do and some reading to do#bye
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aggghhh i wish someone would organize a zine focused on secondary female One Piece characters,, could be themed after magazine spreads,, or ads,, or vintage tourism posters,,,? (manifesting)
#one piece#I don’t have any experience modding/organizing zines#so ill just have to wait until someone organized something similar ;;-;;#also I guess if it’s about secondary female characters it might not.. interest that many#but it’d be really cool ;;-;;#tashigi… pudding… baby 5… rebecca… otohime…#ikkaku… hina… alvida… bellemere…#I don’t know if you could count kiku as a secondary character but her as well#same w hiyori— is she a secondary character?#you’d have to define what a secondary character means#but you get the gist#zines
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up next on chapter 36 of idol sengen… _(:3 」∠)_
#(my toxic trait is that i’ll complain about my work endlessly but still end up doing it anyway… eventually.)#there’s rant 1 (ft. a need to deduce what asuna is saying in full) and rant 2 (which is available in full but still…)#there’s also another mona-rambling session in chapter 38… that im not touching with a 50 foot pole#(all you need to know for that mona-rambling [about frusu] is that mona’s frusu oshi is all of them)#(and that she thinks miyu is like *the* pinnacle of centres in idol groups)#(also someone won a junior dance competition but idk who bc it’s obscured lmao)#can i outsource these panels for a corn chip lmaoooo#m. maybe i should’ve actually worked on this while i was still unemployed last month huh…#bc excuse me company wdymmmmmm im starting work next monday?? the interview was just this monday hello?#ig the interviewer was legit when she said ‘so if i asked you if you can start work next monday—’ huh…#sigh… maybe ch 36 next month then… i’ll do my best over the weekend thoughhhhh#seriously though why is this volume so text heavy l m a o i really wanna get to chapter 40 but…#and then there’s the hard to clean text boxes which… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#…though i guess i should just count myself lucky that the chapters are still short enough to fit into a single post (with the image limits)#but dang. i just realised that my manga sengen thing has a page on manga updates lmao#who put it there lmaooooo and why is it only up till vol 2? wait. no. what. why does it link to manga.dex#bc dang. someone really had the time to dl the thing image by image? no wonder why they stopped after vol 2…#guess i might as well say why i dont want people to reupload my tls… since we’re in the final stretch and all#so. aside from the obvious ‘idw the creators to find out about it’… i probably made a ton of mistakes while tling it. esp in the early chaps#so i’d like to. y’know. have the chance to update the tls where possible. i’ve done that a couple of times already tbh.#like with rippei’s name post-vol 4 release. and some of the typesetting is p. gross in the early chaps tbvh#i swear tling idol sengen has made me incredibly conscious of grammar and typesetting like you wouldnt believe#esp with official tls… fan tls will always be perfect to me no matter how wonky the wording bc it’s hard but honest work yk#official tls (esp a.i tls) get no concessions from me bc it’s their job that they’re getting paid to do yk.#in any case (if you’ve read this far) if you see any mistakes in the tl please lemme know~~~ please dont hold back on your criticisms ok~~~?#just sound ‘em out in dms here or sth. don’t worry~~~ i won’t eat y’all if you try to correct me~~~~~ unless you’re the md reuploader (jk)#and ik i disabled comments on the other blog (or tried to at least) but that’s bc idw bots to flood the comments bc that’s annoying as he—#anyways sorry for the idol sengen wait (if anyone was waiting for it…) i’ll improve on my work ethic… tomorrow. maybe.
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we shouldn't call them "the warriors three, oh and sif" we should call them "sif and the warriors three" like they're her backing band.
#sif#i mean it's that or we count sif the warrior as one of the numbered warriors but that might be a bit TOO out there as a suggestion#thor movies#i do have some complaints about sif but she's one of only two women on asgard so i feel like i need to take her side on almost anything#well they're not really complaints *about* sif she's fine but neither of those two women is well served by the material are they?#AU Asgard with Sylvie and Jane there too and all the male characters complaining about why are there so many women round here#(*SATIRE*)#mcu tag
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#well I just submitted my essay for my history class so I'm finally done with finals#I wish I felt happier or relieved or something but I don't. I feel awful. my body hurts from the incredible amount of tension/anxiety I had#trying to finish it before 11:59. I submitted it at 11:55. I have never come that close before and I hate it#the amount of anxiety I had you'd think the deadline was hunting me for sport#and what's worse is I felt all this anxiety and put all this work into it and I'm not even happy about it#I spent two days trying to figure out what he wanted us to write about because apparently he just seems to be really bad at instructions#like I thought maybe it was just me overthinking but I spent two hours talking to my mom about it and in the end even she couldn't figure i#so then I had only two days to gather notes make an outline write an essay. while burnt out and barely able to focus.#and while not knowing exactly what I was doing like is this what he wants. is it not. who knows I literally don't have time left#to figure it out I just need to write something and hope it works#but I hate being unsure it makes everything harder#especially because I really wanted to make a good grade. this was the class where I made a 78 on my midterm#which brought my class grade to a B but I'd been able to get it back to an A and I'd be able to keep it if I got like an 80ish on the final#the essay turned out okay idk if it's what he wanted but whatever at least I got the other requirements like word count and sources#but the CITATIONS...we had to use chicago which I'd never used before and let me just say. mla is the love of my life after this.#actually chicago might not be that bad if I got used to it I think my violence should be directed toward every word processor#that links footnotes. it is so STUPID that there isn't an easier way to make them different#if it hadn't been for trying to figure out footnotes on google docs I could've submitted it like ten minutes earlier#and with phenomenally less stress#I eventually had to make a choice as to what I'd give up: (1) submitting it on time (2) perfect citations or (3) word doc#which is what he wanted it submitted as#except when I tried that thank goodness I looked at the preview before I submitted it because I saw that it'd messed up the citations#I ended up submitting it as a pdf. on time. with perfect (maybe) (I didn't have time to double check) citations. but not as a word doc.#is it the end of the world? idk probably not but not meeting a professor's requirements is like. anathema.#all of that is to say that I'm going to cry and then let it go and get to bed and just. idk. I've reached that point where#I'm so tired and numb that it feels like I'll never feel better#anyway#maybe I hurt because of my meds and the side effects decided to kick in now because the grace of God held them back long enough#for me to finish#earl crow ramblings
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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I can't believe the Younger Brother (1689) by Aphra Behn has the only one bed trope
#act iv scene i#olivia is in disguise as mirtilla's page endimion and she's wooing welborn on her own behalf#and welborn is like well im hosting a gentleman in my lodgings right now but u can sleep w me#and olivia is like uhmmm uhmmm i can't do that not for any particular reason i just can't sleep in ur bed#(bc she's modest but she is kinda tempted. but also worried if she denies too hard he might suspect her of being actually a woman)#and he's like what are you afraid my bed's diseased? do u think im gay? im telling u there's nowhere else for us both to sleep#im not gonna make u sleep on the floor kid#PLEASE#the younger brother might be one of my new favorites from behn. i haven't finished it yet but it kinda has everything i love from her#mirtilla in particular is such an interesting character#text post#aphra behn#restoration comedy#in the edition edited by janet todd for vol. 7 of the collected works#i believe it's based off of the original quarto text that was published after behn's death#i highly suspect a lot of this prose dialogue is supposed to be blank verse#SO. MUCH. of it flows exactly like blank verse. it kinda bothers me#i do dream about editing and publishing my own edition of behn's plays and i would definitely amend these to be verse#i wonder if montague summers' version is verse? idk this is the first janet todd edited play ive read#i dont yet know the differences between their editing styles#god i wish more than 2 ppl in history had ever bothered to edit and publish this woman's collected works#oxford world classics should definitely put out another volume of her plays#i love the one they have featuring the rover/feigned courtesans/lucky chance/emperor of the moon#but she's got what like 15 other extant plays? and oxford world classics has the range and capabilities to do it#or if penguin classics ever wants to pretend they're really as good as oxford they can print their own#as far as diversifying the canon and widening the availability of older texts. oxford still beats penguin any day#but it does piss me off that no classic book publishers take this period of early-modern women's drama and proto-novels very seriously#or rather. no big ones that i know other than oxford#im not counting print-on-demand companies that reprint the texts of public domain works w no editing#those serve a purpose but those are not leaders in the publishing industry for a reason. theyre not sposta be
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thrilling sequel to my poll from back in January
#I wish I was kidding about the eulogy one. I really wish I was#decisions decisions. who to chose#the people I actually like…?? or the people who like me?#these are so stupid I love making them.#bbge polls#bbge.text#more info on each#bc I want to yap abt em#1 - PLEASE return my calls… this girl was so kind and gentlemanly and we had suchhhh awesome chemistry#she goes to an Ivy League so it could be she’s just hella busy w work not ghosting me#I hope it’s that I really liked her :’)#2 - I actually did ask him out. kinda indirectly . and casually. too casually bc now neither of us have brought it up again#he makes me so happy to be around 😭 it makes me kinda emotional#he’s just like… sHOCKING and endearing and never the same#I love him unfortunately no matter what. as a human#3 - SAME FOR HERRRR OMG :( my beloved.#no one has ever been kinder to me maybe.#‘British’ is a downside here bc that means v long distance and . also bc I thought it would be funny to count as a point against her lol#we met during the summer and I miss being around her every day#4 - OKAY. we TOTALLY have chemistry and NOO ONE has acknowledged it. but it’s THERE every time we talk.#and I’ve never really had that w somebody before in this way idk 🫥#I accidentally referred to her as my ‘partner’ when our party members were teamed up together to do something and it was probably FINE but#it sounded so romantic I got embarrassed asf#she can probably tell I like her I don’t think I’m slick 😭😭#and I feel like she might like me too? or we just get along real well I’m not sure#bc we get along like. REALLY well#5 - I stare at her all the time… she is stunning. she writes great poems. soft spoken in this incrediblyyyyy endearing way#I worked up the courage to talk to her n get her number for WEEKS!!!! and then. nothing lol#6 - he’s a great conversationalist… and I know he’s single….. but he also likes Quentin Tarantino like. abnormal amounts idk#shit . I’m out of tags. for the rest uhhh use ur imagination bye :)
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Should I force myself to talk to women on hinge
#I do not want to#but I am also actively trying to overwrite unrequited attraction that is actually making me ill#so like. idk.#would that count as exposure therapy in this context?#I was introduced to the concept of limerence and I feel a lot more normal about it#not in the sense of ‘I am okay now’#but in the sense of ‘this is a shared and recognized phenomenon that acknowledges the compulsive nature of it#and suggests that it may come from a similar neurological place/process/imbalance as OCD#so instead of well meaning people who don’t grasp how overwhelming these feelings are telling me to just try to date other people#I at least have the validation of ‘you are not crazy because other people have experienced this kind of debilitating intensity too’#and the suggestions for coping with and overcoming limerence include CBT/DBT#which is a lot more structured and helpful than my friends giving me well intentioned advice for something they don’t really understand#like I cannot tell you how much relief this has brought me#I don’t just have a crush on a straight woman and can’t get over it i literally have these non stop intrusive thoughts about her#coupled with the constant mental noise of i know she isn’t interested and i need to be respectful and maintain boundaries#it has literally made me feel like I’m losing my mind or some kind of stalker#but a mental stalker#anyway it has been incredibly unpleasant and upsetting and now I’m focusing on consciously stopping and countering those thoughts#and approaching it the same way as my other intrusive thoughts#also note: I tried to make an appointment with my therapist but she is overbooked and if this does not yield change I might spiral again
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and also to be clear: im not saying the same thing about sam because the show doesn’t let sam have any friends.
#alsjfjflsjdk exagerration i know but what i mean is. screentime wise the ‘friend’ characters. garth and charlie esp. they just. dont get#one on one time with sam. castiel does but he’s not an option for this because tfw need to stick together for the show to work#and sam’s other friends are like. rowena. and. uh.#no actually it is kind of just rowena huh.#and eileen? i guess? im gonna be honest with you guys i cant remember shit that eileen does. i think she dies. to dog? and the sign language#scene between them is cute.#but idk she’s not really his friend so much as. he has a thing with her.#arguably he has a Thing with rowena as well but they’re also just. friends. generally.#weird friends. but they are just sort of. friends. for realsies.#jack also doesnt count for this. thats his son.#anyway. i dont think sam *could* fuck up so badly that rowena cuts contact with him. she’s not that kind of person.#she loves drama she loves toxic relationships she loves being in proximity to people ahe knows she might be able to use if she needs to.
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my oc if anyone cares
#raymonds colors might change idk#oc#oc x oc#i just realized I forgot to add their sexualities/romantic orientation#gamie 100% likes girls but she hasn't really met many guys so she could like them as well idk#excel is bi with a preference for dudes lolz#and raymond well he's a cat#he's got a pretty lady cat gf tho if that counts#(it makes gamie feel 2x more single gfsjjaks)#my art
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What Form of Love Does Your Ship Embody?
I was tagged by @socially-awkward-skeleton, @direwombat, @fourlittleseedlings, @shellibisshe, @clicheantagonist and @voidika to do this uquiz for my ship/s, thank you!
Not tagging anyone since it’s been a while and this quiz made the rounds, but as usual, feel free to take this as an open tag if you’d like to do it! :)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/22ad8bda932fec68c22f4f0e5c6146dc/51024e1f7052ac42-71/s250x250_c1/89e185aa9f3ec0f389b537302ee8e641aa88b00e.jpg)
Deputy Morgan Malone x Joseph Seed (FC5)
Morgan:
love as religion
[ love as the sole object of your reverence--nothing about you is holy, but maybe your love for another is ] when sappho said "in the crooks of your body i find my religion" and when the cast of les mis sang "to love another person is to see the face of God" and when halsey said "i found God, i found him in a lover" and when katherine philips wrote "to the dull angry world let's prove there's a religion in our love"
Joseph:
love as religion
[ love as the sole object of your reverence--nothing about you is holy, but maybe your love for another is ] when sappho said "in the crooks of your body i find my religion" and when the cast of les mis sang "to love another person is to see the face of God" and when halsey said "i found God, i found him in a lover" and when katherine philips wrote "to the dull angry world let's prove there's a religion in our love"
[Interesting fact - I thought I’d done this quiz before, and I had, here, and got a different result for Morgan, Love As Being Known. This being the ship, I did fill it in this time around thinking specifically about how Morgan would feel about Joseph, and their situation, which maybe skewed the result a little bit? Or it’s just been a while and she’s evolved a little as a character, or I was on the fence about a few questions and answered them differently]
#interesting that they both got the same#and quite fitting i suppose#i prefer the love as being known thing to the religion one for morgan because i think that's how she *is* with people#and she's really not religious - although she is quite spiritual i think just in an atheist way#but might count as the same *behaviour* even if it's not the same beliefs#but anyway - filling it for her for this ship in particular probably is a little different to how i'd fill it for her in general#just because their situation in canon and connection to each other is so extreme#kind of throws everything else out the window - or nothing else affects how they feel about each other at least#like no matter what happens they still kind of really like each other and want to be together#and nothing practical really affects that or touches it#and they don't have much choice except to give up to it or renounce it#which is quite like religion in a way#and i was honestly surprised with the result for joseph - just because i was picking a lot of answers that didn't FEEL#like love as religion knowing that was one of the answers#i kind of thought 'well maybe he doesn't see love on the same level as his religion which is separate and not about personal human#relationships - so his attitude to that will be less religious just in comparison to his actual real devotion to religion#but there the result was in the end#it's just very suited to him i guess#and there they are with a relationship that defies sense or logic#unwavering no matter what happens or if they honour it or not#but does cut right to the heart of them#hmmm#joseph x morgan#uquiz#tag games#uquiz results#pairings
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