#so med abuse is more likely

[cannabisbutch]

I either have my very first UTI or i am having an Adverse and Bad side effect from my new muscle relaxer which would super suck bc it was actually helping as a pain mantinence med so much more than any NSAID ever has

[martyrbat]

so many of you talk about the cruel adults in your childhood that negatively effected you and caused lifelong insecurity yet you're still perfectly fine with being that mean stranger to any kid that has the misfortune of existing around you and thats just really gross !!!

[clownprince]

"you can't just ignore massive narratively consequential chunks of a characters' story that you don't like or disagree with" actually i can. and i do. and it's very easy ^_^

[mars-ipan]

i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much

[thethingything]

I just realised that since my fursona is an insect and those have to be filtered on Art Fight, I can't actually put him on our team card if I want to then put the card on our profile which like, I get it, but it is kinda frustrating.

it's also frustrating that for the set of phobias that need to be filtered, you can't specify which one you're filtering for and it all just gets put under "sensitive content" which isn't really helpful because like, there is stuff in that category that I want a warning for (like needles) but also stuff in that category that I'm totally fine with (like insects) and there's no way to tell which one it'll actually be without just clicking the image. it's not super helpful as an actual warning because I have no idea what it's warning for

[floral-hex]

wowwy wawawa. was worried about seeing a new psychiatrist, but any doc that gives me a month of ativan is okay in my book.

so anyway, I got that and also starting something called remeron after the weekend is over (going out of town for my brother’s 2 day chess tournament and don’t want to deal with side effects during it). Let’s be hopeful.

[autopsytableromance]

Oppositional defiant disorder I hate you forever

[badolmen]

So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.

[eggy-tea]

This fucking thing. You have no idea. 

About two months ago, I took this thing into work. When I was done with it, I brought it back home and put it away… kind of. 

See, "taking it to work" involved:

remembering I owned it in the first place

remembering I needed it at work once I was back home

remembering to put it in my bag to bring to work

remembering to bring it out of the bag to use at work

actually using the damn thing

remembering to put it back in my bag to bring home

remembering to take it out of my bag once I got home, and

putting it back where it belonged

Where it belongs is in a tool bag on a shelf above our dryer. The shelf is slightly above eye level, and the tool bag sits near the back where I need to reach a bit to get it. The tool bag location makes sense, because it’s something I use often enough that I want it visible, but not so often that I want it in the way of other things. That, of course, means that it's mildly annoying to get to.

So over the course of about a week I managed to get through steps 1-7, but when it came to step 8 (putting it away properly), well… I was tired.  I had a lot of other things on my mind. So I put it on the shelf near the tool bag, because taking the tool bag out added five more steps to the process (take bag, place on surface, unzip bag, place screwdriver in bag, zip bag up, return bag to shelf vs put screwdriver on shelf) and I just couldn’t right then. 

And so it sat there. For like two months. And every time I saw it I’d think, “Right, I should put that away,” and every time I couldn’t, because Too Much. And now, on top of the task itself, there was the Emotional Context of it sitting there, weighing on me. It had become the Screwdriver of Bad Feelings. Every time I noticed it while doing the laundry, I would feel ever so slightly like shit for not just putting it away already it will literally take fifteen seconds, but it never bothered me enough in the moment to flip the switch in my brain and force me to do something about it. 

Until today. Today, I got out a different screwdriver from the tool bag for a different task. When I was done, I :

put away that screwdriver

put the tool bag back

noticed the Screwdriver of Bad Feelings was still there

took the tool bag back down

unzipped it again

put the Bad Feelings screwdriver in the bag,

zipped the bag back up, and

continued on to the next task. 

Like it was easy. Like it was nothing. Because today, it was. 

What was so special about today? Ritalin. That’s it. That’s all. 

Don’t ever let anyone fucking tell you that ADHD isn’t real, that executive dysfunction isn’t a real disability. Because without something extra (high levels of stress, pressure, anxiety… or meds) to make my brain do the thing? I cannot do the thing. I am unable. If that's not the definition of disability, I don't know what is.

[running-in-the-dark]

my (virtual) meeting with my thesis advisor is in... 7 hours. I'm sort of almost finished writing the exposé that I was supposed to write. sort of. I'll probably need another hour or two until I feel okay enough about it to actually get any sleep.

unfortunately my left arm is realllly starting to hurt and I can't lift it much anymore (thanks to the covid booster I got today). hopefully I'll get it done anyway. and hopefully the pain won't be so bad that I can't sleep.

[twistedappletree]

everything’s giving me anxiety today ahahahahha yaaaaaayyyyyyy!

[trauma-trove]

I hate that I'm held at social gunpoint to never EVER be anything but picture perfect niceness while doctors and nurses bully me and treat me like shit. It drives me insane. I tried being transparent with my last nurse about how my dietary problems, thyroid probpems, and chronic pain treatment was really going to interfere with a procedure and that I wanted to schedule it AFTER my other appointments and procedures. She told me "well, I can't do anything about that. The doctor wants it done." I tore the instructions she gave me right in front of her. They were salvageable. I could tape them together. But she looked at me like I called her a fucking slur.

"Oh but think of the doctor/nurse/receptionist you're doing that to! Every time a patient loses it, more medical practitioners leave the field!"

I.

Don't.

Care.

You're DOING this TO ME. I have the right of being the victim here. If someone is pushed and forced and coerced and bullied and assaulted enough times, they have a right to treat their offenders like shit.

I'm fucking sick of it.

[walkeddeath]

meta • mental profile :: ADHD  a chunk is under the cut because this ended up being 3 pages. it's not even all i wanted to talk about. ask to tag if i don't tag something !!

　　gen was diagnosed early, at about 6 years old, but only due to her father stepping in and refusing to let it go unchecked. they had been struggling in school to a severe degree, getting into fights, having breakdowns over tiny little things that to her made sense to break down over, and couldn't seem to keep friends if she was even able to make them. her mother fought against it, refused to accommodate it, denied it up until her death.

　　gen has known since she was diagnosed that she has adhd. still, never getting proper or remotely adequate assistance or help made it hard for her to accept that the majority of her "bad" behaviors were related. once she was able to do her own research, she pieced things together, but going through life unmedicated and continuous gaslighting attempts left a considerable impact on how she handles it all. 

　　therapy helps, meds help, but she still struggles day to day. emotional regulation, object permanence, and RSD are the primary things that cause the most issue, she has frequent crying episodes that seem to just come out of nowhere, forgets things constantly even if she's just seen it / interacted with it, and has a hard time dealing with others even begin slightly upset with her/ feeling like she's done something to push someone away. if it gets too intense, she withdraws. she flees.

　　she has rage episodes that are heightened by not just trauma but also her powers. a lot of it is tied to control and losing it. also feeling super overwhelmed / too tired. sometimes it's just because she hasn't eaten that day, or one too many things has happened and she can't handle it.  she will lash out if everything gets to that specific and undefined level of too much, and depending on the situation this can be verbal or sometimes physical.

　　90% of the time, physical reactions are directed at herself. she'll throw things / break things, though this is more a thing when she's younger. she does not use this as an excuse for any hurt or upset she might cause another person, but it is an explanation and a reason. they have been working on this in therapy for around 9 years, ever since her mother died and she was able to get help.

　　ALONG WITH THIS - she has a hard time with remembering dates no matter how important they might be. they forget they need to go to the bathroom, need to eat, need to blink at times. it's all very frustrating to them and they have a hard time letting others help them with all of it. she had to do it all on her own growing up, anytime she did let someone close it was just an inevitable that they would give up. it would get to be too much. so somewhere along the way she just... stopped asking for help. it never felt like anyone could hear her no matter how loud she screamed so, she just decided to save her energy, save herself from the hurt of not being listened to. shut off. 

　　they have their coping skills and some are good some bad, as she gets further into therapy there's an increase in the good and a decrease in the bad, but, some are still there. 

　　they have a tendency to get attached to others, they don't like it, and when things go too well or are too good, she bolts. she's working on this, at least to a degree. it isn't just the attachment but also the need for novelty, for something new that constantly pushes her to running and finding something that can fill a little empty part of her, and it hurts them to do it but they don't know how else to handle it. they do not and will never intentionally want to hurt someone that they love. it just happens sometimes, and she has to deal with the fallout, and it hurts. 

　　her overtalking and overexplaining is both due to the adhd and cptsd, but, it's mostly just how she expresses feeling comfortable. if she's able to just talk without filtering the speed or length at which she talks, it means she feels like she's in a safe space to do so. most of her hyperfixations are things that she won't share unless she's close to a person, they're on the odder side of things, but there are some that are really the only thing she wants to talk about the majority of the time.

　　 they will shove into a conversation at incorrect times, so, they do sometimes have a tendency to not talk. if they don't know how to enter a conversation, they'll avoid it, and if they don't there's a high chance she'll start talking over the other person. she doesn't intend to do this and ends up overapologizing for it.

　　she is not afraid to talk about her struggles and her diagnosis, she encourages others to talk about theirs, but does understand if it's not something someone wants to discuss. they do, from time to time, slip into a doom / rumination mode. it's something that she just has to ride out. all she needs is someone to support that she's having a hard time, not try and fix it all immediately.

　　there's a lot more to it all, but, this is some of the more important big things. i'll talk about the smaller things in another post. 

[storm-of-feathers]

oh my god it's the fucking DEA's fault nothing ever surprises me

[far-butter]

Binge-downloading hair meshes to convert to DAO while blasting punk and indigenous musics and aggressively drinking lavender and chamomile tea isn't *that* bad as a coping mechanism from anxiety ticing and panic attack tbh

[harmcityherald]

Sin City Theme Song