#med denial tw //

[walkeddeath]

meta • mental profile :: ADHD  a chunk is under the cut because this ended up being 3 pages. it's not even all i wanted to talk about. ask to tag if i don't tag something !!

　　gen was diagnosed early, at about 6 years old, but only due to her father stepping in and refusing to let it go unchecked. they had been struggling in school to a severe degree, getting into fights, having breakdowns over tiny little things that to her made sense to break down over, and couldn't seem to keep friends if she was even able to make them. her mother fought against it, refused to accommodate it, denied it up until her death.

　　gen has known since she was diagnosed that she has adhd. still, never getting proper or remotely adequate assistance or help made it hard for her to accept that the majority of her "bad" behaviors were related. once she was able to do her own research, she pieced things together, but going through life unmedicated and continuous gaslighting attempts left a considerable impact on how she handles it all. 

　　therapy helps, meds help, but she still struggles day to day. emotional regulation, object permanence, and RSD are the primary things that cause the most issue, she has frequent crying episodes that seem to just come out of nowhere, forgets things constantly even if she's just seen it / interacted with it, and has a hard time dealing with others even begin slightly upset with her/ feeling like she's done something to push someone away. if it gets too intense, she withdraws. she flees.

　　she has rage episodes that are heightened by not just trauma but also her powers. a lot of it is tied to control and losing it. also feeling super overwhelmed / too tired. sometimes it's just because she hasn't eaten that day, or one too many things has happened and she can't handle it.  she will lash out if everything gets to that specific and undefined level of too much, and depending on the situation this can be verbal or sometimes physical.

　　90% of the time, physical reactions are directed at herself. she'll throw things / break things, though this is more a thing when she's younger. she does not use this as an excuse for any hurt or upset she might cause another person, but it is an explanation and a reason. they have been working on this in therapy for around 9 years, ever since her mother died and she was able to get help.

　　ALONG WITH THIS - she has a hard time with remembering dates no matter how important they might be. they forget they need to go to the bathroom, need to eat, need to blink at times. it's all very frustrating to them and they have a hard time letting others help them with all of it. she had to do it all on her own growing up, anytime she did let someone close it was just an inevitable that they would give up. it would get to be too much. so somewhere along the way she just... stopped asking for help. it never felt like anyone could hear her no matter how loud she screamed so, she just decided to save her energy, save herself from the hurt of not being listened to. shut off. 

　　they have their coping skills and some are good some bad, as she gets further into therapy there's an increase in the good and a decrease in the bad, but, some are still there. 

　　they have a tendency to get attached to others, they don't like it, and when things go too well or are too good, she bolts. she's working on this, at least to a degree. it isn't just the attachment but also the need for novelty, for something new that constantly pushes her to running and finding something that can fill a little empty part of her, and it hurts them to do it but they don't know how else to handle it. they do not and will never intentionally want to hurt someone that they love. it just happens sometimes, and she has to deal with the fallout, and it hurts. 

　　her overtalking and overexplaining is both due to the adhd and cptsd, but, it's mostly just how she expresses feeling comfortable. if she's able to just talk without filtering the speed or length at which she talks, it means she feels like she's in a safe space to do so. most of her hyperfixations are things that she won't share unless she's close to a person, they're on the odder side of things, but there are some that are really the only thing she wants to talk about the majority of the time.

　　 they will shove into a conversation at incorrect times, so, they do sometimes have a tendency to not talk. if they don't know how to enter a conversation, they'll avoid it, and if they don't there's a high chance she'll start talking over the other person. she doesn't intend to do this and ends up overapologizing for it.

　　she is not afraid to talk about her struggles and her diagnosis, she encourages others to talk about theirs, but does understand if it's not something someone wants to discuss. they do, from time to time, slip into a doom / rumination mode. it's something that she just has to ride out. all she needs is someone to support that she's having a hard time, not try and fix it all immediately.

　　there's a lot more to it all, but, this is some of the more important big things. i'll talk about the smaller things in another post. 

[acapelladitty]

I need Cooper Howard leaving bruises and marks on a partner for reasons. Marking up his girl all pretty like~

Mornings Echo

Pairing: Cooper Howard/F!Reader

(tw for: rough handling, grinding, biting, threats of violence, skin marking, groping, filthy talk, mild nipple play, jealousy, possessive behaviour) [1.6k words]

Fic Masterlist

Link to AO3

Crashing through the thin wooden door of the shed, a splintering noise squealed free of the old planks as Cooper kicked them shut with an aggressiveness that made your heart flutter. Random tools lined the wall opposite you, the wall to your back completely clear of debris, and a cheeky comment about his actions died in your throat as you quickly found yourself slammed against that same wall with a single fluid shove.

Stars dancing before your eyes as a surprised gasp fills the small area, your body remains stunned for a moment as Cooper stands before you, his hand still pressing harshly into your shoulder as he stares down at you with most of his features hidden by the shadows of his hat. You wrap a hand around his wrist, fingers clawing into the leather coat as you grip at him with equal aggression.

"Fucking ouch." You hiss, attempting to stamp at his foot with the ball of your own as petty revenge guides your movements. "The hell was that for?"

"Ain't sensible to tease a man like that." His eyes ablaze, the anger in Cooper's features is different to his usual rage as something much more muted yet complicated touches at the way his eyes narrow and his face tilts. "It'll get you into the kinda trouble I don't think you're ready to handle."

Tease?

A confused look furrows your brow.

Fresh off an exchange of caps for meds, you hadn't actively payed him enough attention during the transaction to tease him. All you had done was-

Oh.

Ah.

The trader, a lecherous old fuck with jerky fingers and a face that vaguely resembled rotten jelly, had shown an obvious interest in you that hadn't went unnoticed by yourself or, apparently, Cooper.

Never one to pass up the chance for a better deal, your rejections of his advances had been much less violent than you would have liked; but the resulting tolerance of the lingering touches he delivered with his disgusting hands has ensured an extra few capsules tossed in to the exchange.

So no, this wasn't anger that was pinning you to the wall.

This was jealousy.

"You're jealous." You accuse, never one to back down from the truth as his mouth visibly tightens in irritation at the words. "You didn't like me letting that filthy motherfucker think he had a chance! Damn, Cooper, didn't think it was that serious."

"You're free to do what you like and I don't pay your intentions no never mind. But what I can't abide is folks touching things that ain't theirs."

"I ain't anyone's." You reply, matching his tone and accented words with a mocking quality as your free hand shifts up to poke rudely at his chest. "So you can shove that possessive shit right up your ass until it comes pouring out of your jealous mouth."

He's on you in a flash, his quick movements catching you unaware as you squeak out your surprise once more. His mouth is hot against your own, forcing your lips open to claim his prize and steal a filthy kiss which he didn't deserve. A fact you make him more than aware of as you bite down on his lower lip with enough pressure to make him pull away, hissing violently and cursing you out as he does.

"You sure you ain't feral, darling? Biting like a rabid bitch? Better check to make sure."

His gloved hand forces itself within your shirt, accidentally ripping the top button free as it bounces along the floor to disappear under some dusty shelves. It does nothing to deter him though as his fingers drop enough to grope roughly at your left tit, pulling it free of your shirt as your feeble protests die in your throat - heated arousal making any denials difficult.

Fuck- you loved him like this. All business and action, decisive and determined. It was an attitude that had left you screaming louder than the wild dogs which roamed the abandoned wastelands.

Cowboy hat still lovingly perched atop his head, his face dips to your chest to replace his hand and blunted teeth roll across your nipple, the nub quickly peaking due to the cruel attention. His other hand still on your shoulder, both of your hands wrap around the back of his neck to pull him closer as he steals the breath from your throat.

Wordlessly panting, a low grunt escapes you as his teeth sink in to the flesh just to the side of your nipple - the skin there feeling sensitive and raw as he sucks it into his mouth, his intent to leave a livid mark in its wake clear. It's an uncomfortable sensation but hot as hell as you rub your thighs together, feeling the growing moisture there with a lightheaded frenzy making your thoughts fuzzy.

"Fuck, Cooper. You're gonna tear a chunk from me."

"A mighty fine idea. Maybe I will." He mutters into your breast before righting himself, looming to his full height once more. "I bet you'd taste just fine, all raw and bloody. Wouldn't even need to season you like all the others."

Grimacing at his cannibalistic tendencies, a facet of his personality that you didn't indulge in with quite as much enthusiasm, you glance down at the red mark on your chest - the imprint of his teeth visibly denting into the abused skin as Cooper continued.

"I'm sure I also saw that chunky son of a bitch eyeing up your neck so let's see if I can leave an impression there too."

Again moving too quickly for you to protest, Cooper presses his body into your own in such a way that you are utterly unable to move; trapped beneath his heated frame and the definite scent of leather and coppery blood which never seemed to leave him. He wasn't a jealous man typically but you were eager and more than interested in seeing how far this little game would go.

His roughened tongue licks across your pulse point, tasting the accrued sweat and grime which coats your skin and the wet sensation forces a shudder to run down your spine. He could say what he liked, but when it came to being a tease, he would always be the offending party. He seemed to delight in pushing your buttons with casual, lewd comments and finding particular ways of brushing his body against your own - regardless of who was around to witness it.

Tilting your neck to allow him easier access, he accepts the small boon with enthusiasm as his teeth join his tongue in marking up your skin. Soft kisses are interspersed with savage, quick snaps of his teeth and the dual sensations of pain and pleasure are almost enough to drive you insane as you writhe against him. Taking the hint, he pushes his knee between your legs and you instantly start to grind against his thigh - the stimulation enough to allow you to endure the rough treatment of your neck.

Your hand drops to his groin, cupping his hardened length through his trousers as he growls his appreciation into your skin.

"I think I like you when you're jealous." You taunt. "Maybe I should- fuck, Coop!" You cut off as he bites you once more, this time over the sensitive juncture where your neck meets the shoulder. "Maybe I should make you jealous more often."

"Dangerous game, sweetie." He rumbles in response, running his teeth along your earlobe. "I'm being Mr. Nice at the moment and marking up my property just a little bit, but there's always other ways to get the same results."

"Mmm, and what are you going to do, cowboy? Pulling at his head until he was facing you once more, the jealousy in his eyes is replaced by a burning arousal which you knew meant you were in for a solid ride. "Gonna rustle me up in that lasso of yours? Ride off with me in tow."

"Lasso's too nice for one as fiesty and spirited as you. Won't do shit. Any good rancher knows that a quick brand," his hand drops to your chest once more as his fingers poke at the sensitive mark he had suckled into the skin earlier, "would be best at reminding you who you belong to."

Already littered with scars and markings which showcased your journey through the wastelands better than any story could, the thought of a brand wasn't as off-putting as you might have thought and you rub as his cock with renewed vigour through his trousers as you give a contemplative hum.

"Sounds hot. Maybe if you're good and fuck me til I forgive that little shove into the wall," you lean into him and run your own teeth against his ear, "I'll even think about it, handsome."

[wherethewhumpthingsare]

Kairos (카이로스) Whumplist

Image Source

Whumpee: Kim Seo Jin (김서진) Portrayed by: Shin Sung Rok (신성록)

Synopsis: A woman, looking for her mother, and a man who lost his family, work together each day to save their loved ones from their tragic fates. (Google)

Genre: Action, Thriller, Drama, Sci-Fi

Where to Watch: Viki.com

Note: This drama had whump in just about every episode, both emotional and physical.

TW: S*icide (especially episode 1)

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Episode 1: anxious, building suddenly crumbling around him, waking abruptly, anxious & taking meds (00:44); panicked, worried for his daughter (20:40); exhausted, chapped lips, been awake all night, desperate, upset, shouting, crying (24:35); looking exhausted, receives alarming call, upset, scared (41:20); speaking to his daughter’s kidnapper, scared (45:40); restless, getting upset, panting, sees something deeply disturbing, shocked, weeping (50:20); told shocking news, weeping, argument with wife, weeping (57:25); worried, listening to wife's s*icide voicemail (1:04:00); trying to search for wife in the river, grabbed & stopped, in denial, weeping, in shock, almost leaping from bridge (1:06:00))

Episode 2: repeat of last scene from previous ep, crying, almost leaping from bridge (0:00); agitated (5:20); looking exhausted, baggy eyes (10:08); looking at old photos of daughter, distressed (14:40); woken from sleep, exhausted, baggy eyes, chapped lips, shocked, furious, attacking someone he thinks killed his daughter, pulled away (18:35); crying, feeling useless, nightmare: building collapsing around him, waking covered in debris, waking up panting, medicating, distressed while listening to upsetting recording (22:00); frustrated (37:00); talking about almost getting killed (52:50); shocked, relieved, crying (1:00:40))

Episode 3: lunging at someone in anger, held back, shouting, having a breakdown, weeping, shaking (9:00); frustrated, distressed, panting (17:00); sad memory, crying (27:50); red-rimmed eyes, looking sick & exhausted, crying (31:50); past self told about his daughter's future death (35:00); sudden head pain, new memory surfacing (40:25); alone, crying (53:15); upset, hearing shocking news (56:30); worried for someone (59:07)

Episode 4: coming upon a murder scene, frustrated (3:35); speaking to his daughter's killer, crying, angry (22:30); interrogated (30:40); sudden headache during interrogation, groaning (36:35); still being interrogated, headache (44:05); frustrated, headache, worried (54:00); angry (57:00)

Episode 5: angry, headache, memory surfacing (13:15); headache, memory surfacing (23:40); startled, falling & panting, scared (1:05:40)

Episode 6: waking from nightmare, panting (10:10); suffering from insomnia, asking for stronger meds (17:45); shocked, panting, upset (22:50); stressed, medicating (59:20); sleeping, accused of murder, fleeing, jumping from balcony, injured knee, shouting in pain, limping, arrested, pushed down on his injured knee (1:01:20)

Episode 7: sudden headache, memory surfacing (31:55); shocked by betrayal, teary eyed, hit in the back of the head twice, bleeding, slowly passing out (1:04:20)

Episode 8: pretending to be unconscious, face covered in blood, crying, you can see his pulse jumping like crazy in this scene (0:25); past self drunk, stumbling, arguing, shouting (2:30); still lying in bed, bandage on his head (7:20); still unconscious (20:10); 25:38(almost drugged, disintegrating (25:38); worried, panicking, crying (52:20); traumatic memory triggered, panicking, teary eyed (1:02:50); future self dying in car crash, bleeding, slowly passing out (1:06:30)

Episode 9: future self in hospital unconscious, oxygen mask, cuts & bruises on his face, head bandaged (16:00); memory triggered, panicking, taking meds, in a cold sweat, worried over, future self still in hospital, crying in his sleep (29:25); talking to doc about suffering panic symptoms, told he's having delusions (34:40); talking about his past, teary eyed (44:30); future self in hospital unconscious (49:20); talking about his past (1:00:00); future self still unconscious in hospital, threatened (1:07:15)

Episode 10: flashes of memory, sudden head pain, grunting, panting, worried over, medicating, scared (37:50); future self still unconscious in hospital, hand moving to grab someone while still unconscious (56:33); future self finally waking up (1:07:20)

Episode 11: future self unconscious in hospital (8:50); waking, groaning, crying, interrogated & accused, panicking (17:40); struggling out of hospital bed, groaning in pain, almost falling down steps, limping, chased (25:30); having trouble remembering things, panicking (30:30); on bathroom floor crying, flashbacks to the car accident, drugged, angry, shouting (48:10); angry, deliberately hitting his family's killer with a car, pulled away, shouting, trying to kill the culprit (1:02:15); flashback to being in hospital, covered in cuts & bruises (1:06:00)

Episode 12: shocked, teary eyed (0:00); sudden headache, new memory (58:00); sudden pain, clutching head, new memory (59:40); crying (1:05:35)

Episode 13: future self in pain from new memories, speaking to his past self (10:00); slammed on the ground, choked, punched, gasping, arrested (32:00); past self interrogated (48:40); in a cell, disappearing, waking up panting, dropping to his knees weeping (59:40)

Episode 14: panicking, worried for someone (00:50); angry (7:00); argument (26:10)

Episode 15: past self remembering future memory of being betrayed & hit in the head with a bat, shocked (24:20); pain from past memory surfacing (56:00); manhandled, punched, mouth bleeding, thrown off roof, lying dead in a pool of blood (1:03:35)

Episode 16: manhandled, punched, dropping to his knees, clutching side in pain, fought, slashed with knife, helped (34:10)

[wordy-little-witch]

I'm experiencing some Emotions atm so I'm gonna project on my little clown man -

TW for talks of periods

Trans masc Buggy who can't get cut/stabbed/sliced/diced. The availability of hormones and HRT is limited due to both canon scientific development and micromanagement from the government. He's a chemist, so he can synthesize his own HRT ((and has the survival instincts to know they NEED medical professionals, so he probably shares that info with them)), but it's not a one and done type of deal.

In Impel Down, he wasn't able to access his T. He was in there for a few months, so he was having hormone shifts there for a hot minute before finally being freed. It's one of the reasons he kept his stubble - it helped with the dysphoria.

He gets out, gets back on track, keeps the stubble bc it helped, he liked it, etc. He had a few times where he wanted to shave again but decided against it.

Now on to the Evil Polycule.

Crocodile and Mihawk's take over and implementation of Cross Guild came with some changes to the budget, including Croc just putting a full stop on Buggy's chemicals for a time. He decided to bite the bullet and send what he had to the pharmacists to keep them afloat bc he's actually a good captain. He just.. has limited meds for himself.

So it's a few months into the Guild, Buggy has been off T for a little while now, he's not having too many issues, they're all starting to get to an even keel, and they're even expanding the budget for the chemicals for the pharmacy and also his tools for his weapons. Things are looking up!!!

And then... Buggy starts his period.

And he is spiraling.

He holds up in his room, wrapped in a blanket cocoon, in the dark, curled up tightly against the cramps that are hooked into his abdomen and the sudden wash of dysphoria. He's usually better about this. He usually doesn't struggle this much. Somehow this is worse, he doesn't know why, but he is not okay.

He's not okay at all.

Mihawk and Crocodile are left waiting on him for a meeting. And when it hits a certain point, they're angry, annoyed, and they go looking for him (they are not concerned, they tell themselves, they're not-). They find Alvida, Galdino and Ritchie in the clown's quarters. Ritchie actually gives a warning growl, eyes lidded but sharp. Alvida pales but meets their gaze head on. Galdino is shaking like a leaf, but he doesn't back down.

That alone starts ringing alarm bells.

They ask, they get vague answers at best, and then Mihawk catches the scent of blood. He moves in a swirl of black-and-gold, straight to Buggy's room, straight to Buggy.

It's a bit of a hot mess, but there's an understanding that grows. Crocodile understands, sharing a vulnerability of his own, asks tentatively if Buggy has ever reached out to Ivankov.

Buggy curls up further - as much as he can, at least, with Ritchie pressed against his lap and tummy, purring a storm with kitty worship eyes - and admits that he has. Iva's hormone treatments are injections, and while some devil fruit abilities can circumvent others, that's not the case for him. They've tried. The only option to make it work is seastone or sea water on/around Buggy, which could impact the hormones or Iva's abilities as well.

Also, Buggy admits with grit teeth, Iva's tendency to force sex changes as a punishment rubs him the wrong way.

He tells the two dark haired men about his medicines, how he makes them himself and how his stash has been running low; tells them how he had thought he had enough until the shipment came in with the stuff for his weapons making and the pharmaceuticals; he tells them how he'd given his spare stock to the med tents when they joined because of the denial for the existing budget Buggy had in place.

They feel guilty with the realization.

They decide then that since their actions led to this, it is only fair that they assist. Mihawk brews a tea for Buggy's cramps, Crocodile uses his sand as a heating pad, cool fingers brush through Buggy's hair to help with the migraines, a warm hand and hook help support Buggy's weight when the pain crescendos and leaves him gagging.

Between them and Buggy's usual crew, it's the most cared for he's felt since before a booming laugh was cut shirt by swinging blades and a grin splattered messily onto cobblestone beneath sheets of rain.

[doin-just-fine]

Hiya!! I saw you were inviting people to ask you system stuff, so as a questioning/newly discovered plural I have a couple questions!! If you're uncomfy answering these please feel free to skip any or delete this ask! I know they're potentially quite personal.

How did you find out you're a system?

What does internal communication look/feel like for you?

How do you personally handle self doubt?

The People Wanna Know:

🛸 Hello!! Thank you for submitting this question! I know as a newly discovered system reaching out about system things can be scary!!

For you're first question, the initial "discovery" was after I had gone off my ADHD meds for a week due to the shortages that were/are happening. I have been medicated for my ADHD since I was 8 and hadn't had a break from my meds greater than a day or two since that age. Let me set the scene, I'm finally living on my own, dating a system, and under a lot of stress from other things in my life. I start questioning if I'm a system just a little bit, more of a check in with my psyche and less of theres evidence pointing me here. Then BOOM no meds for a week or so. As I start questioning this and checking in (something I have done before quite a few times since learning and researching about plurality off and on the past 5 years) I notice that theres a really loud voice telling me horrible things about myself every time I try to think and check in about this. At the time this was a very uncommon thing for my mind. As the week progressed the voice and it's emotion got more and more distressing each time it piped up but I kept pushing back against it until it almost felt like a bubble popped. I was fighting the rude voice and suddenly I got a wash of this voices name/identity. It felt like a voiceover layered with different ways of identifying with the name Cloud mixed with telling me off. Ex (tw: aggressive language ): "You're a fucking idiot" "This is stupid" "Dumb ass" "Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You" ((Bubble Pops)) "cloud" "You're a fucking idiot" "name-" "This is stupid" "You're just lonely" "name: cloud" "You're not a system just stop" "i am cloud" "Fucking idiot you're so stupid" "Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off" "cloud" To be clear, it was more like the bubble popped and suddenly a new sense of identity started transmitting to me. Before just his words where being projected to me almost like over a loud speaker and then suddenly I was sharing a consciousness with him. This interaction was able to happen because my meds create a bit of a barrier that makes communication more difficult and therefore easier to hide the plurality from me. Once my meds were out of my system it made that negative voice louder and pushing against it easier until everything gave way.

Plurality is covert, meaning it doesn't want to be discovered and will do what it can to stay hidden, thats why gatekeepers exist and why denial spirals happen. You're brain doesn't want you to acknowledge it because then that means you are going to acknowledge what it has deemed unsafe memories, emotions, thoughts, feelings, patterns, ect. It also takes practice to navigate and communicate in your system and you won't be able to be sure of things right away. Things will change as you understand them better. For you're second question about communication I will be referencing how our varying levels of "fronting" works and to avoid making this response incredibly long I will direct you to the original post we first explain it in. We mostly feel each others thoughts rather than hear them. The only time I can every "hear" someone else's thoughts is if they are right next to me and/or feeling something very strongly. Usually if we want to "talk" to each other we talk out loud so everyone can hear what's being said and respond, or we right it out. But usually we rely of deciphering feelings. I can hear my own thought in my head but no one else's usually but they can seemingly hear mine. So I can talk to them in my head and then try to feel what they're emotional reaction is to what I'm saying and decipher their responses. It's a lot of yes or no questions or statements. like playing 20 questions. I can try to expand on our communication more if anyone would like me to. I do plan on making a post about it at some point.

As for your last question that ones very hard. I'm lucky that I told my therapist and she validated me making me feel clinically seen even without a formal diagnosis. She is far from being an expert or specialist but just being told by a medical professional "hey you're valid" was enough to take away the MAJOR denial feelings we would get. Early on it's gonna be very common and very hard. I had a could people go quite when I was first learning because they felt that me just wrapping my head around clouds existence alone first might be a better plan that 3 new people. And even now, it isn’t gone. It rears its head now and then especially because we are an atypical system so a few things that people use to fake claim kinda apply to us and we get worried we’re mistaken. If you have trauma, leaning on that when you have a denial spiral can be helpful like reminding yourself it makes sense for your brain to operate this way. If you don’t have trauma right down moments that feel particularly real and plural and when you start spiralling read those moments and try to remember how real that felt.

I hope this was helpful let me know if you have any questions or need clarification!!

REMEMBER: You're gonna be ok. You're gonna figure it out. Be kind and gentle with yourself and others. Asks are open. Have a nice day.

[macravishedbymactavish]

Alex Keller x GN!Reader

3 instances where he took care of you, and 1 instance where you took care of him.

Chapter TW for descriptions of sickness (flu & fever), hurt/comfort

| Blog HQ | Jupiter Masterlist | Modern Warfare 2019 Masterlist |

Part II // Sickness

"101.3, you're sick" you declared, looking between the thermometer and the man laying on the bed. A layer of sweat coating his bare chest, as his hair stuck to his forehead.

Shaking his head at you, he argued. "I can't be sick, I don't get sick"

The words followed by a light cough, and a sound of frustration. He was well into his 5 stages of being sick.

The first stage being suspicious, terrified. Feeling a bit off but blaming it on a mundane cause.

Didn't sleep well the past few nights. 

Tried a new workout that kicked my ass.

Probably dehydrated.

The second stage being outright denial. My immune system is top tier, I never get sick.

Third stage (you are here) - frustration.

"This sucks!" He rasped, running a hand over his face as he continued ranting. Words muffled by his palms.

Which leads you smoothly into stage 4: Self pity.

"I'm dying." His muffled words elicited an amused snort from yourself. Patting his leg gently, you pushed yourself off the bed. "Where are you going? Leaving me in my final moments!" 

The sound of his coughing elicited a small grimace as you walked through the hallway, knowing how much his throat and chest probably hurt by now. 

His coughing and dramatic whining got quieter as you padded into the kitchen. Busying yourself with turning on the kettle and pulling 2 mugs from the cupboard. Tapping your fingers against the counter mindlessly as you thought of various supper ideas that would be easy on his stomach and hopefully curb this bug.

The sound of your phone vibrating on the counter pulled you from the internal debate of spicy chili vs homemade vegetable soup. Picking up the device, you rolled your eyes at the message preview on the home screen.

[A. Killer ❤️]

:( :( :( :( :( :* :( :( :(

"You'll survive for a few minutes." You called into the house, stifling a laugh at the sound of distaste you received.

Tea brewing in mugs with a spoonful of honey, bottle of medication under your arm, you carefully brought everything back to the bedroom. Where your fiancé lay facedown into his pillow. Coughing and groaning.

"I brought us tea, and you meds." Mugs and pills now placed on the bedside table, you returned to your previous spot. Sitting beside his leg, rubbing your hand gingerly over the damp skin of his back. "It'll probably clear some of your sinuses and help your throat. Hopefully we can break the fever soon."

Without another word, he rolled over. Arms wide open, a small pout on his lips. A silent transition to the final stage of "sick Alex Keller":

Stage 5: clingy and cuddly.

Taglist: @bloodonmyhands-1221 @v1naco @bowtruckleninja

Alex Keller Taglist: @glitterypirateduck @deadbranch @gcing-back-to-505

[staycalmandhugaclone]

Fever - Hunter - Pt 2

I elected to go ahead and share another smaller chapter instead of making you guys wait another couple days

Part 2 of Fever - Hunter. If you're new, this all starts with Touch Starved!

Febuwhump Day 11.2

Warnings: TW: needles/injection, a single swear word (wanna guess who says it?), hay fever symptoms

WC: 2,239

Night offered no reprieve. Sweat soaked through my blacks, pooling against my armor until my skin wrinkled and ached. I wanted nothing more than to strip the rigid plastoid and “breathable” fabric off and lay flat atop the cool soil, limbs stretched as far from my torso as possible. Instead, I squirmed to roll onto my other side in the snug embrace of the hammock, eyes closed in the futile denial that I might find some escape in a sleep that was unlikely to come.

By the time Wrecker came to rouse me to take final watch, I was fairly certain I’d tossed and turned the night away.

“You gonna be alright? Yuh look beat.” The gentle man murmured sympathetically at the little groan that caught in my throat as I struggled free of my ‘bed’.

“No worse than everyone else.” I sighed as I pulled off my helmet and stretched my neck and shoulders to work out the kinks. “Everything go okay last night?” My voice was groggier than I’d hoped, but I offered him a reassuring smile to quell his worries before hiding behind my bucket once more.

“Echo says he heard somethin’ durin’ his watch, but me an’ Cross didn’t see anything.” I could hear the exhaustion in his words and felt my shoulders sink in a quiet sigh.

“Okay, I’ll keep an eye out. Go get a bit more sleep.” He hesitated, visor absently following my movements as I performed a quick, mindless inspection of my pistols before returning them to their holsters, but, with a reluctant nod, he finally turned toward the poor substitute for the shelter strung up between two trees.

There is no graceful way to get into a hammock. I tried not to watch his clumsy shuffle to get his hips over the lip of fabric, the beat of hesitation before hopping up and struggling to maintain his balance as the movement sent him swinging, limbs flailing slightly to position himself safely in the center of the cloth, but I couldn’t fight the way my lips tensed against a grin, fully aware that I’d looked no less hopeless in my own attempts.

On most worlds, the following hour was one in which the land seemed to wake, lit beneath those first gentle rays of light, but this jungle never slept. The creatures of night loomed beyond the trees and brush with the same unapologetic chittering as the creatures of day. The dense air screamed with the relentless trill of insects, with the clap of avian wings overhead and the creak of branches shifting beneath the weight of something I could only hope had more interest in fruit than flesh.

Midway through my watch, a noise caught my attention that had no place among the chaos of jungle life. I went still; focus straining to hear it again. Mere seconds passed before that short, stifled huff sounded a short distance behind me. I didn’t need to look to know it was Hunter.

Footsteps nearly silent atop the lush soil, I crept across out makeshift camp, determined not to wake him if he was still asleep, but already I could hear the stifled coughs, the failed attempt to clear his throat, the tiny groan as he shifted sluggishly onto his side. My shoulders slumped. I hadn’t expected the meds to offer much relief beyond sedating him for the night, but he was clearly getting worse.

Just as I drew a breath to call out to him, he leaned forward in that initial movement to haul himself free of the hammock, but his limbs shifted unsteady, head hanging to his chest with no real focus granted toward the action, and, when the fabric shifted beneath his weight, was unable to make any effort to right himself, body tumbling heavily to the ground.

“Hunter!” His name barked from me in a hushed gasp, darting forward to reach him. Beyond bringing a hand up to rest shakily over the visor of his helmet, he showed no signs of even realizing he’d fallen, torso rocking beneath painfully slowed breaths just threatening to hitch beneath barely suppressed coughs. I quickly lowered myself to my knees in front of him, hand resting gently on his shoulder.

“Not feeling any better, I guess…” I murmured sympathetically. Several seconds passed before he gave a tiny shake of his head, the stiffness of even that movement clearly agonizing. “Alright, let’s get you sitting up – laying down it just going to make that pressure in your sinuses worse.” I didn’t need to ask – the way he held his hand toward his face told me everything I needed to know about the terrible stuffiness spreading through the ridge of his cheeks, beneath the broad plane of his forehead and pressing relentlessly against his eyes.

He offered no arguments as I pulled his pack toward us and, gently pulling his arm over my shoulder, hauled him upright to lean against it. His body spasmed with a pair of violent sneezes and, though his mic was still muted, I watched his body deflate beneath a quiet groan.

“Hand signs are fine if it hurts to move your head.” I told him quietly as my hand automatically slid over the back of his neck to rub at the tense muscles. “Are you having difficulty breathing?” His hand shifted listlessly in reply, as though the air was weighted about him, fighting even the most basic of motions.

Yes.

“Okay, does that feel like it’s from tightness in your chest or congestion in your nose and throat?” I was careful to keep my voice low, unhurried lest my own concerns cause him to panic. He motioned toward his head. “Good.” The gentle praise left me in a whispered murmur, heart melting at the subtle way he began leaning into my touch. “I need you to tell me if that changes or gets worse. Alright?”

Yes.

“Alright.” My fingers tightened slightly around the taut cords of muscle stretching down from the base of his skull before resuming the rhythmic, soothing strokes from the top of his neck down to the lip of his armor and back. “What about dizziness? Do you feel light-headed?”

Yes.

“Fair to assume headache, fatigue, and sore, itchy eyes and throat all apply, too?” His helmet tilted up slightly at the sympathy in my light teasing, and I could clearly picture the weak glare hidden behind that dark visor. Letting out a deep sigh, I glanced around to the still sleeping figures nestled in cocoons of dark grey cloth strung up between the surrounding trees.

“I’ll get our gear packed up. Try to sleep for a bit longer if you can.” I whispered, pushing myself to my feet. He drew in a breath as though preparing to speak, and I knew perfectly well what excuses and reassurances vied for that air, but then he let it out in a resigned sigh, and my heart twisted in the wake of his suffering.

Echo was the first to wake. I’d just finished tucking the freshly rolled hammocks into my pack when he groggily tumbled to his feet. He allowed himself barely a moment to stand up before turning his attention to where Hunter had set up his shelter, and I could see the weight settle atop his shoulders. With a final glance behind me to confirm the barely conscious Sergeant had yet to try moving, I stood up and tread quietly to the arc.

“How bad?” He asked, feigning no pleasantries to soften the coming news.

“It’s not life-threatening, but there’s nothing I can do for him out here.” I answered, arms crossing over my chest as I turned back to look at the slumped form. “I need to get him back to the Marauder – away from whatever it is he’s reacting to.” Echo turned to look at me, and he didn’t need to speak those next words for me to know what he was thinking.

“He’s not going to like that.” Shaking my head with a weary shrug, I let my gaze wander to the stunning network of life flitting between the sea of leaves overhead, managing to catch only the occasional flash of a wing or twitch of a tail before whatever creatures dwelled above vanished from sight.

“He can’t fight like this.” I stated simply. “Hell, he can barely move like this… Do you think you’ll be able to finish the mission without us?” He was quiet for a long moment.

“Yeah… yeah, we’ll be fine. Do you think you’ll be able to get him back safely?” He asked, turning back to me. My teeth worried over the inner flesh of my lip, dreading the coming trek.

“It’ll be rough,” I admitted, “But he’s only going to get worse the longer he’s out here… and going back should be easier since the path is already cut.” I added, but the façade of hope in those final words did little to fool either of us. Echo was kind enough not to draw attention to that.

“I’ll get the others up – fill them in. Good luck convincing him.” I could hear the faintest hint of a smirk in his voice as he turned to rouse Tech. Drawing a deep breath, I started back toward the desolate figure before me.

“You awake?” I called softly, lowering myself to a knee beside him. He’d just begun calling some motion into his shoulders before abandoning the movement with a shuttered exhale.

Yes. His hand gave a weak flinch in response. Jaw grinding, I quickly snatched my own bag and dug through the supplies.

“Injection or pill?” I asked and granted him mere seconds to grasp some meaning behind my words before adding, “‘No’ isn’t an option.” He offered no response for a moment longer before his shoulders sank in resigned acceptance. When he tilted his head just enough to grant access to his neck, I grabbed the auto-injector and kneeled beside him.

“Good choice - this will help faster.” I murmured warmly, fingers carefully easing the tight fabric down enough to touch the applicator flush against the gorgeous bronze of his skin. He tensed slightly as the medication went in but offered no further complaints. Tossing the device back into my pack, I gently rubbed at the injection sight both in the hopes of easing the lingering hurt and to help the anti-inflammatory diffuse faster.

“Alright, so this is what’s going to happen,” I started, shuffling slightly to sit in front of him, “We’re going to give that a few minutes to take the edge off – get some food and water in you, make sure the others have everything they need; then you and I are going back to the Marauder.” Instantly, his attention snapped up to me. The threat of anger in the suddenly heavy breaths churning within his chest did little to deter me.

“Hunter, you know this is the right call.” I continued, voice dropping into a whisper. “The longer you’re out here, the worse you’re going to feel. You really want to try to convince me that you can fight? That you trust yourself to watch their backs?” His head tilted forward just enough for me to know he was glaring.

“Really don’t feel like pulling punches today?” He grumbled with a quick scoff, and my heart twisted at the hoarseness of his voice.

“Nope.” I chirped back but offered an apologetic sigh before pushing myself to my feet. “Do you still have water?” His hand fluttered listlessly about his waist in search of the container and, giving it a small shake, nodded. “Make sure you rinse your face after you eat – especially your eyes.” The slow tilt of his helmet perfectly illustrated the deadpan stare hiding beneath, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Uh-uh. You want to be trusted with common sense for your own wellbeing? Next time, you tell your medic when this” I pointed vaguely toward him, “first starts.” I could hear the sigh just as clearly as I heard the rushed attempt to stifle the coughing fit that threatened to seize through him, but he managed to regain control of himself.

Snatching my pack, I walked the short distance to the others. Based on the dark expression on Wrecker’s face, I safely assumed Echo had already told them of Hunter’s declining health.

“Doc, you sure it’s a good idea to take him back by yourself?” The gentle man asked, mismatched eyes glancing between me and his brother.

“I’m not totally helpless, Wrecker.” I retorted with a smirk before adding, quieter, “We’ll be fine… and we technically haven’t traveled very far, so we can stay in contact the whole time.” As soon as I said it, Crosshair’s shoulders slumped.

“That doesn’t mean you can flood the damn coms.” He snarled before Wrecker could reply, threat clear in his voice, but I merely chuckled at them.

“Alright, who has room for some supplies – if I’m not with you, I want to make sure you guys still have whatever you might need if things get rough.”

After divvying up bandages and medications, and grimacing at Hunter’s strained voice as he drilled them on the plan again, we finally parted ways. No one gave the Sergeant any grief for turning back, and I found myself silently thanking them each for the unspoken understanding. The coming days would be difficult enough without them adding to his guilt.

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[sashastarlight]

Trans Visibility: this is my story. I'm coming up on my 6 year anniversary of HRT.

Half of my life was burned away running. Wasted and weak. But I never gave up. My trans behaviors were belittled and misdirected at every turn.

Through grade school I was lied to and my time wasted.

Through middle school I was bullied, stolen from, and pushed aside.

Through highschool I burned myself out in sheer desperation to get away from my life through academics.

Through College I learned the truth. I stood up for myself. I confronted the lies. I had to make up for 12 years of life and damage. It seemed impossible.

I did it all while overcoming 4 years of undergrad. At every turn the betrayal I felt from my home community. The Denial that all these people live in a fake world. It tortured me. They are so selfish that they would glady let trans children experience an insane suicide rate just to satiate their insecurities.

I experienced that growing pain for 16 years of my life before I went to therapy and cut the seed out with my own hard work. TW my mental health almost killed me in college. I tried to break my hands. I tried to starve myself. I tried to drink myself to death in the snow. I failed.

Eventually after countless failed jobs and relationships. I realized a simple truth. Bracers were forced on me to fix my teeth, specially designed shoes and insoles to alleviate my flat feet and correct my legs and spine, there are countless other examples. My body was already aggressively altered from its natural state, and to think HRT or the countless gender affirming cares are anything different from bracers is literally insane. Cognitive dissonance at its finest. And yeah I was on experimental meds even in highschool for acne. Because society really doesn't care unless it makes them personally insecure.

I knew more about hormones and biology by the time I started HRT than 99% of the human population, I focused my minor in Neuroscience I was that obsessed. And I still can't believe how effective, simple, and empowering the results are. From a year to two to five. It gets better constantly.

So this is my advice. Step back from your situation and get a notebook. In that book write your truth everyday, about how you feel and your simplest desire. Write it out once a day. If something is holding you back ignore that and write out what you see in a happy future. Be real and honest it's just for you. And at the end of each week read back and see how you really feel. Let that grow into your catalyst ✨

6 years ago me had gone through a lifetime of self acceptance and still never would have believed the above picture is of me how I look today. No bra and a simple filter supplementing half of what I can do with makeup myself now. Above all else, love yourself 🩷

[its-koili]

hey guys. sorry for being gone for so long. heres an update

(tw for: mention of violence / gore, general distress, mental health issues)

(tw below)

.

basically i had a huge mental health crisis. i was having 24/7 constant rolling panic attacks from may of 2023 to january of this year. my last big meltdown was in early february. been processing a lot of CSA trauma and some recent trauma that ive gone through. i think i talked about my panic attacks before leaving social media but idk i dont remember. isolated myself from absolutely everybody.

the main thing that made me leave was that while i was keeping up to date on the g3n0c1d3 (censoring bc idk how tumblr is about it), and when i was looking in the replies / related of the awareness videos, i came across 4 accounts dedicated to using gore for clicks / shock. not videos of the g3n0c1d3 (thank god bc of how they were using the vids) but of unfortunate every day situations and cam footage. like, the kind of stuff you could see on liveleak back in 2010. just out in the open on twitter. they all had usernames like "(insert number here) ways to die)". they were all content farms for click/ad revenue. it was too much it was a huge trigger and i had a full on meltdown. the bluecheck ppl on twitter were using the replies of the videos people uploaded for raising awareness to upload mindless g0re for money. the fact that peoople have 0 compassion for human life sent me into a spiral that i couldnt get out of. (i reported 3 out of the 4 accounts i was able to and 3 got taken down but 1 is still up and it odesnt seem to be uploading the hardcore g0r3 anymore. so thats good. but that was one of the reasons i left social media. ive been keeping up to date w the news but thats it. i left my socials entirely and ive only been on my phone to look up recipes or to use my computer for media research groceries and gaming and shows

that was the main thing that pushed me to leave. i just couldnt take it anymore. during the start of my crisis last year, i was planning on taking a small break, but all of that pushed me over the edge and i dropped everything. after that, my issues got worse and i dont remember most of it. thankfully. but i couldnt bring myself to talk to anybody. i isolated myself and just. laid in bed. but im doing better so i guess thats good

on another topic ive beeen nervous to post this on main but during all of this (ive talked abt tihs a little bit on my priv before i left) i found out that im a system a long while back. my dad (one of my abusers) had/has DID and it terrified me to think that i could be anything like him. i also knew cereal abuser who pretended to be a system to get away with stuff/abusing their friends (and then years later admitted that they werent a system and siad that systems are fake.) LOTS of tears. lots of crying over this. was in denial for a few weeks. cried some more. then eventually came to terms with it.

i dont want to post abt my system online too much bc i dont want to act like this is some fun trendy thing bc its not. it makes day to day living very hard (some lighter/funnier issues that make it hard are: arguing with an alter bc YOU dont know where THEY put YOUR MEDS, not being able to cook because one alter can and the other cant, your art style not being consistent because their styles are different). i dont want to really make it a massive part of my identity online bc its not a big deal! theres just Multiple Little Guys in my brain. so. im a system! im the same but....this explains why i dont remember talking to certain people SUIDHUFHX. i always felt bad. makes conversing with online friends hard especially if icons/usernames are changed. ill make a separate post about this someday thatll go into detail a bit more.

i went years thinking it was just "kinning" but it wasnt lol. it turns out that your personality completely shifting, tastes in food / music / art / media changing, the way you walk / talk dress changing, and having complete memory blackouts when you """"kin shift"""" isn't normal. /lh (dw ive had a lot of time to come to terms with this)

but basically right now ive been spending time getting to,,know myself?? iive been using simplyplural for myself for several months and im uncovering a lot of my memories / trauma ect bc alters can write down what they need to in the chat. so i can go back later and read it. its been v helpful!

i will not be coming back just yet. i have no interest in using social media rn or drawing or writing unfortunately. ive been working on my original stuff here and there but i havent been drawaing fandom stuff bc im not hyperfixating on a fandom.

also. some things have come up. im not going to say anything until the party in question is stable/safe/comfortable before i even suggest anything for context (i dont plan on talking abt anything at all unless they start talking publicly). right now i am helping someone through abuse. their wellbeing is my #1 concern. i'll think about other things after im sure theyre okay.

i dont really have any resolutions as to how things are going but i do feel better and im not having as many panic attacks. i dont really know where im going with this now sorry. just trying to brush over the basic topics before i go. idk if anybody remembers me bc ive been gone for so long so idk if im just talking into the wind but if i am thats fine honestly this is helping me reorganize my thoughts (i type these vents out a lot on docs so i probably wont remember posting this hiudhvu)

other than that. i dont draw or write anymore. i think in the past 6 months ive drawn like....5 things. its. weird. im completely disconnected from fandoms now. coming up to a full year of not having a hyperfixation at all.

my bday was on the 6th. im 27 now im very old (everybody forgot it asides from my husband (and the people he reminded) n my abuser). ive been trying to cook and bake more and ive been playing video games again. planning on getting back into drawing soon and working on my original stuff. when i come back im planning on redesigning my profiles and updating my social media bios and stuff bc theyre so old. also ill make a section on my carrd for my system. there you go theres some positivity to the update nxfjdfjh. sorry if i dont seem very enthused im very tired so typing has been a chore hfuidshuifv.

sorry that this was a lot or if it seems disjointed i was trying to put down as much into this as possible without making it too long

bye!!! see u all soon!

[fleetstreetpies]

TW: mental health problems, psychosis, open and graphic discussion of my hallucinations and delusions, mental health meds, mental health med side effects, medical inaction, medical malpractice.

Content under the cut.

Good god it’s happening again. It’s getting REALLY bad again.

I’ve been on a mood stabiliser for about a year now, and I’ve been VERY open with my psychiatrist about a lot of the complications I’ve faced, like needing my dose increased, nausea and headaches from increasing my dosage, persistence of mania, night terrors, delusions, etc. And now the delusions and hallucinations are worse than they were. They’d gotten better for a while but now here I am and good gods, I want it to stop so badly.

I want to not see things and people melting slowly. I want to not perceive that people have been replaced by near identical clones. I want to not perceive that some people are just my mother in elaborate disguise. I’d make it all stop or go away if I could, and when I was a younger man I tried, though when I tried I fully thought that I was God and could control the universe with just my thoughts.

I’ve been trying to talk to my psychiatrist about it. I need to get my mood stabiliser increased, sure, and I know that. But I also desperately need to get on an antipsychotic. And I think she thinks I’m malingering.

Do people actually think that folks with these problems are faking this? Malingering is relatively rare, and by all means, infuriating for all parties. But do the professionals genuinely think that we’re malingering? Because I’d bet (if I had money and were a gambling man) that it’s way harder to fake than you’d think. People who do that whole malingering thing unequivocally baffle me. Antipsychotics are extremely expensive and I cannot believe people would genuinely be willing to buy them and fake it for sympathy. I can’t afford 880 dollars per refill no matter how hard I try because I can barely make rent in a month (at least I get my meds through the school pharmacy where they cost way less).

So what even is the point of some other person faking it? To sell their prescription drugs for a profit on a black market? To gain sympathy? To get some kind of disability benefits?

I just need for my psychiatrist to fucking listen to me for five seconds and to actually fucking help me for once in her goddamn life when all the other doctors or professionals in their white coats and clean blouses and blazers won’t. I need help because they all fucking refuse to help me and my psychiatrist is supposed to help me. They took a vow to “do no harm”, but that vow is useless when their own inaction or bias is the cause of the harm. It’s pointless and futile! Why take a vow when you don’t even listen to the people you swore to help?

Medical inaction is ableism. Medical inaction is malpractice. Medical inaction is to be complicit in the deaths of so many mentally ill people.

Doctors say “do no harm” but they leave the mentally ill to suffer and die because “what if they’re faking it?” That’s a poor excuse to deny people adequate (read: potentially life saving) treatment and healthcare.

Shame on the pharmaceutical industry, shame on doctors, shame on malingerers, and shame on everyone complicit in the ableism, incompetence, inaction, corruption, and denial that kill.

Shame on you.

[faenemy]

Illusion (CW: Vent)

I had to talk to my med provider a little while back and BOY is there nothing worse for my mental health. Everything I have ever experienced is caused by my period, and I am an entirely irrational entity, incapable of experiencing valid emotions. The curse of being AFAB and dealing with medical practitioners strikes again. Anyway RAGE writing time.

TW: Suicide mention, Implied Dissociation, Implied Hallucinations.

They don't take me seriously

Only see the passion in me

The drive

How I want to die

Life flashing before my eyes

Nothing matters if you can serve

Play your role and uphold

What those before believe they deserve

Strike a match and light me up

Heaven knows I've had enough

You ignore my pain

Take away my pleasure

Nothing ever in equal measure

They scream in my ears

But you'll never hear

To busy weaving your story

Perfecting your vision

To see what lies before you

In all it's horrid glory

It echoes on the walls

It chases me down the halls

Unknown voices

With no claim

No owner, no vocal

How it torments me

But you'll never see

Turn a blind eye

Until I die

Then maybe you'd see

What I am forced to be

Cause nothing matters

Until it's lost

Only then can one realize

The true cost

Oh to live in a world

Of illusions

As you call them so

Heaven forbid they be delusions

Hallucinations

A figment of my imagination

My pain is little

A tiny spot

Easy to wipe away

To lock out

When one cannot know

What is true and what's lies

Then all you will find

Is fear in their eyes

Terror on high

As I hide myself away

From the sun

From the day

From everything I stray

Maybe if I cover my ears

As you so often do

I could block out their cries

I could block out you

Embrace the illusion of your love

Of any idea of a god above

Reject my fleeting reality

And accept what lies deep beneath

Your words do harm

Beyond your comprehension

I am nothing to you

Not worth time or mention

I try to scream

To make a sound

To make my thoughts known

And voice them aloud

But you drown it out

Dragging me down with

I'm stuck on this ship

And it's sinking quick

Denial flows deep

Within your veins

You know it never brings pleasure

Only inevitable pain

You won't silence me

I will continue to burn

I have been given a match

Heaven knows I will learn

You may live how you wish

But you can't take me too

Heaven knows I'll survive

Without you

I wish you could see

The pain you cause me

Stand beside me

But I know better

Than to put that hope in thee

So as the whispers in the night

An illusion of my mind

Sing me their sweet soft lullaby

I will think of you

I will think of what you've done

And heaven knows

I'll think of what you've begun

[soullikethesea]

Spent most of the day huddled up in bed. My soft blanket and leopard plushie are what's holding me together right now. Stumbled upon something that is apparently a big trigger, in therapy today...

Major TW for denial, abuse, emotional abuse

I don't remember it completely, but I think I was gathering some courage to talk about Bf.

I somehow touched upon the subject of trying to explain what happened, trying to fathom what was okay/what wasn't. (Mostly about my parents).

Then quite quickly I shut down. I heard a voice inside stuck in a flashback. It went something like: "You don't know what it's like. I can't say it any more than this. Please help me. Please help me. Please help me. But no one will come. No one is going to come. No one can help me."

Eventually T asked me if I needed a distraction and I said yes. So we talked about cooking. And then she asked what happened and said that maybe we can keep the image in a frame. I said there wasn't really an image. Then she explained about looking at feelings from a distance and only looking at a small bit of them.

I tried for a tiny moment and then I physically flinched and tried to move away. T said maybe it wasn't something for today and then I couldn't help but start crying. I looked for her during some of it, which has never happened before. It was a bit of attachment cry. A bit of the "Help me" inside. Because at that point my feelings were going through me with full body waves.

T said that Bf must have really hurt me. But it wasn't about him. This was about asking for help and somehow never finding a way that was understandable to people and bearable for me at the same time. This was about feeling *so* confused and insecure, about feeling like I am the problem.

Afterwards I showed her the text exchange with Bf and told her of the underlying messages and I think she responded in helpful ways. But I still feel the emotional flashback right now.

The big, punitive doubt. The hypervigilant mess of emotions. The thoughts about how I can't be trusted, how my interpretation is what is the problem, how I just never have been able to be okay and how that is my fault. The rotten apple of the family. I have a lot of urges to hurt myself and I want to go swimming and hide deep under water. When I was around 12, I would specifically take walks in the rain so that I wouldn't have to worry about people noticing that I was crying.

I have such a deep belief that I am unacceptable.

And Bf was the one who told me otherwise in a thousand ways. When I met him I was convinced that I was bad, weak and worthless. And he got me through that until adulthood.

So his betrayal tastes like poison. Like I ruin my life and add pain all around me, like I draw that from interactions. Nothing was really that bad, I made it out to be. I invented it. I am the biggest liar out there - the one who believes they are telling the truth.

Obviously I am trying to get un-triggered now. I took a med. I really like the leopard. I am trying to think about how it's nobody's fault.

[doin-just-fine]

What the brain doin?? PT. 2 of a questioning median system's journey

TW: This post may be triggering for systems who are prone to denial spirals.

"Plural vs Neurodivergent"

Am I a system or just neurodivergent

As I continue my potential system journey I want to make sure that I am open to other non-options as being answers to my situation. I don't wanna jump blindly into "I'm a system". I need to keep in mind that I am neurodivergent and just so happen to have a hyper-fixation on plurality. I need to remember that some symptoms may be confused with symptoms of my ADHD. I also need to make sure that I'm not just running into this because its one of my hyper-fixations. So...

Comparing masking and code switching to my experiences

Background

I was never really told about my ADHD beyond it makes it harder for you to control impulses, sit still, and focus. When I was diagnosed at age 8 there wasn't really enough information out there anyway. I started medication immediately and have been taking in every single day of my life since. I am now 22.

What handling my ADHD like this means:

Developing a tolerance to a dosages happened faster because I never took a break so I was on a really strong dosages really fast.

I grew up really distant from my ADHD symptoms (and other things) beyond the ones that broke through the medicated barrier.

When I take breaks from my meds now, I have the coping skills of a 2nd grader.

I am almost 100% certain that all my system questioning started when I ran out of meds and couldn't get more for several weeks back in April. The other things I grew up distant from were my emotions. I can feel the highs and lows but I can't feel the in-betweens. If you ask how I'm doing at any given moment I'll usually answer "idk" cus I genuinely don't know. I don't know how to answer that question.

My working theory as to why we might be a system is that we are a Neurogenic system. That our neurodivergency and how we coped with it is why we split off but in a "not-really" way.

Since I grew up with little information about what ADHD was and how distant I grew up from my own symptoms means that I am less familiar with the definitions of masking and code-switching than your average ADHD haver. I understand what they are and when I do them but I am fuzzy on how far those coping techniques go for me.

Comparing masking/code-switching to a plural experience.

Masking is typically defined as a technique used by neurodivergent people to hide their symptoms in an attempt to blend in with neurotypicals. Examples of this that I know I do are forcing eye contact, adding fill words when listening to someone to show you are actively listening ("right", "uh-huh", "totally", etc) usually paired with non-stop head nodding, not stimming or relying of little subtle stims, putting up with sensory nightmare environments, etc. When I find that when I'm adding things to my mask I have to actively remind myself while masking to do the thing but overtime it becomes habit.

Code-switching is typically associated with linguistics but is also used to describe the neurodivergent technique of context masking. From what I can tell, code-switching is what happens if you have two different friend groups with two very different vibes. When you hang out with one group you're going to mask and present yourself differently to fit in better than you would with the other group. Another popular example is theres you when you're with your friends and you're when you work in costumer service. Typically, those are two different ways of behaving. Code-switching and masking tend to over lap. Code-switching is like being able to pick the mask you put on.

I've read that typically, masking is unconsciously executed and code-switching is consciously executed.

Switching/Fronting can definitely fall into a similar pattern. If an alter is fronting and need to interact with someone they may mask to appear like the host OR if the host is co-con they may take control for a moment when interacting with someone. Similarly, some systems may have a member who's role is to go to work and so they may appear as the "work persona". I'm also sure there are systems who have members that are drawn out while around certain friends or friend groups, or even other system's alters!

You can start to see why this can get really confusing!!

Comparing my experience

It's so hard to draw the line on what is or isn't a "typical" experience anymore.

I disagree with the idea that masking is typically unconsciously utilized for me at least. I feel like my mask is always evolving and being improved upon, as a result I am constantly thinking about it and how well it's working. Yes, a lot of the mask becomes habit but on days where masking is hard I have to actively think about keeping up the mask.

As for code switching I feel like that can also become more unconscious over time. I worked in customer service for 4 years, I only had to actively think about code-switching for the first month really then it just became habit. In my first post, when describing what it's like to exist in my brain, one way I described it was:

"The way people describe masking but for me it feel like a more extreme level, where I’m not TRYING to change my behavior, it just sorta happens and I’m 'someone else'. What I called masking felt more like skipping songs in a playlist to get to the right one instead of putting on a mask."

I think this is actually me describing code switching. The other descriptions I listed in that post still stand.

I have never experienced someone else fronting (to my knowledge). As far as I'm aware I'm always in the front. I have no amnesia except for emotional amnesia where I am emotionally detached from certain memories. I'm going to make a separate post about dissociation because that's another confusing one. To really simplify, The closest I get to evidence of others in my mind are thoughts that don't feel like mine, and feelings that don't feel like mine.

I don't want to reflect on past times where I think someone may have been co-con and compare that to how I experience masking/code-switching because I can easily insert things that never happened into that reflection. Mayhaps I will wait until a moment like that happens after I post this and I'll make an edit to the post and reblog it.

Until then don't know what to conclude from all of this. Hopefully it helps someone else compare their experiences. If I am wrong about thing stated here please let me know. As always if you want me to expand upon something mentioned or have any questions, comments, or comparisons my asks are open please feel free to put it all there!!!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: idk if there needs to be any? Invalidation?

Do you know if it’s normal or why I might instantly forget I’m a trauma survivor when people call me a liar and give their “reasons” for why they think I’m a liar or why I happen to be the abuser (which i logically can recognize they miss out on parts of the story or the covert antagonization my abuser did that made me react and attack and bully her for “no reason”) like I instantly believe them and question myself… I forget almost in a way that I was traumatized even though I’ve developed CPTSD bc of it and am trying to get therapy for jt (but my parents are really controlling and rn I’m already at a psychiatrist for meds for one diagnosis) and asking for therapy will be too much. Last time I went to therapy the dr was abusive so I had to quit. And ugh I’m sorry its a lot but yeah.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through. Invalidation is horrible.

So I can speak from experience that when someone denies what I've been through, it's hard for me to be okay with that because I feel like I have to convince everyone of my story. But I've been working with my therapist on recognizing that not everyone will believe my story, and it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Personally I feel like if someone doesn't believe me then I have to change my approach somehow. But remember that they have no authority to rewrite my history to fit a narrative that's more comfortable or palatable for them. They do not get to say what did and did not happen especially if they weren't even there. The truth doesn't need their validation to exist.

I think sometimes as well, we can have inner critics or internalized victim blaming that, when someone tells us we're lying, those parts of us are like "yes, finally someone says it!" and so that may influence how much you listen to and believe their accusations.

In my expose, I wrote that "Denial is used to protect oneself against overwhelmingly scary elements of reality. I understand how it can be too scary to entertain the thought that your son, your brother, your father, your neighbor, your husband, your cousin, has done something like this. It’s much easier to deny it than think about what to do if it’s real. But I believe that those who truly want to do the right thing will at some point recognize that they are in denial and will work through the stages of grief at their own pace. I want to try to be as compassionate as possible to people who are skeptical or completely in denial, but please also understand that when you tell someone that their trauma never happened or that they’re making it up, it hits a personal chord and it’s hard not to be upset by that."

Please know that your story is valid, you are a valid trauma survivor, and we believe you.

If anyone else has any experiences or thoughts they'd like to share, feel free to add on. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[s3plan]

ed tw

accidentally told people my ed might be coming back the other night when i was drunk. i rlly hate how easy it is for me to reveal stuff when im drunk, i thought id gotten better at not doing that. especially something like that where it never feels real enough to tell people about, even though in my head ive been thinking abt it non stop and almost waiting for an excuse to tell someone how scared i am. even writing this im still kind of in denial abt it like yeahhh ive developed an obsession w food, started exercising/going on long walks compulsively, and feel guilty afterwards almost every time i eat but its not THAT bad. god this sucks. worst part is knowing it took at least five years for me to “recover” from that mindset the last time, and it really only went away fully once i started my adhd meds and lost weight over the years

[sera8273]

TW/Topic Discussion:Suicide, Depression, Coping mechanisms, Insanity, Mental stress

Now, I would do a lil summary on the game, OMORI, but in reality, the game can be summarized in just 5 words.

The 5 Stages of Grief

Those 5 words alone summarize the game so perfectly. And with the Emotion Chart, it fits amazingly!!

And, more importantly, they’re all represented with the 5 Main Characters representing either 1 or more.

The Five Stages, in order, goes something like this:

Denial - Declaring that something is untrue even when faced with evidence or not

Anger - Something has gone wrong or Someone has wronged you

Bargaining - Attempts to Lessen the blow or undo it through negotiation. An attempt to regain control.

Depression - Constant feeling of Sadness and lack in Interest from activities

Acceptance - Able to accept the Reality of what has happened

And the 5 Kids/Teens that are the embodiment of these stages, respectively, are:

SUNNY:After killing MARI, he hid away in either his Room or his own House with only the company of his Parent(s) and made a dream like HEADSPACE where they were all just kids again. Having fun, going on adventures, being friends with everyone, and, most importantly

A place where MARI was still around, Alive and Healthy.

SUNNY can also be placed in Depression aswell. He stayed in his house for Four Years with only the company of his parent(s), no contact with the outside world, an exception being with KEL, needs Sticky Notes bc of how Mentally unstable he is. Dissociates when he finally goes out, and is a Malnourished, Selectively (or not) Mute, Sucidal, Emotionless kid.

He is Denying the Future, he lost interest on going outside.

AUBERY:When MARI died, she felt like Everyone she knew kinda just, moved on. Forgotten about her and MARI. When she tried to connect with BASIL and saw his Photoalbum just to find all the photos blackened, she snapped. She closed everyone off and made friends with the wrong type of people.

She was angry because through her eyes, Everyone wronged her by not helping her in her time of need

BASIL:He’s accepted that MARI is dead and that what he and SUNNY did was horrible. However, instead of putting that blame for killing MARI on SUNNY, he puts the blame on Himself but also on ‘SOMETHING that was behind SUNNY during the incident’

BASIL is also the Embodiment of Denial

He knows that the evidence is all there, he doesn’t want to believe it because he can’t fathom his friend doing something so Evil and Bad

BASIL Knowingly made up that Something was controlling SUNNY to soften the blow of what he has done

HERO:He blames himself for MARI’S supposed suicide. And HERO, in the past seen by HEADSPACE, wanted to be a cook. When KEL snapped him out of that state however he followed his parents wishes and became a Doctor and Med student

He lost Interest in things he loved after MARI died

KEL:He found love in Sports, made new friends and connections since his old connections with his old friends tended to be slipping. This doesn’t mean that he didn’t care. It does not at all mean that he became annoyed when he saw others that couldn’t accept. It didn’t mean that he wasn’t able to keep contact and connect/repair bridges with his old friends- his old family.

He was able to accept the reality and was able to move on to an extent

Theses traits are also shown in the EMOTION CHART you get from HERO in HEADSPACE;

AUBERY is displayed as ANGER

Angry at KEL

Angry at moving on

HERO is displayed as SADNESS

Sad about MARI

Sad that they’re not trying harder

Sad that they’re losing focus and not paying enough attention

KEL is displayed as HAPPY

Happy to start a new adventure.

Happy to have fun and have the whole gang together again.

OMORI is displayed as NEUTERAL

Neutral to the world around him

Neutral is to be NUMB

He is NUMB to the world, to his friends

To his Truth

And bc we know that AFRAID is an emotion,

BASIL would be (and very much is) displayed as AFRAID

Afraid that his friends would leave him

Afraid that he would be hated on

Afraid of what would happen once the truth got out

And MARI?

Well

She’s TOAST!