#theres a lot of anger
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faenemy · 11 months ago
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Illusion (CW: Vent)
I had to talk to my med provider a little while back and BOY is there nothing worse for my mental health. Everything I have ever experienced is caused by my period, and I am an entirely irrational entity, incapable of experiencing valid emotions. The curse of being AFAB and dealing with medical practitioners strikes again. Anyway RAGE writing time.
TW: Suicide mention, Implied Dissociation, Implied Hallucinations.
They don't take me seriously
Only see the passion in me
The drive
How I want to die
Life flashing before my eyes
Nothing matters if you can serve
Play your role and uphold
What those before believe they deserve
Strike a match and light me up
Heaven knows I've had enough
You ignore my pain
Take away my pleasure
Nothing ever in equal measure
They scream in my ears
But you'll never hear
To busy weaving your story
Perfecting your vision
To see what lies before you
In all it's horrid glory
It echoes on the walls
It chases me down the halls
Unknown voices
With no claim
No owner, no vocal
How it torments me
But you'll never see
Turn a blind eye
Until I die
Then maybe you'd see
What I am forced to be
Cause nothing matters
Until it's lost
Only then can one realize
The true cost
Oh to live in a world
Of illusions
As you call them so
Heaven forbid they be delusions
Hallucinations
A figment of my imagination
My pain is little
A tiny spot
Easy to wipe away
To lock out
When one cannot know
What is true and what's lies
Then all you will find
Is fear in their eyes
Terror on high
As I hide myself away
From the sun
From the day
From everything I stray
Maybe if I cover my ears
As you so often do
I could block out their cries
I could block out you
Embrace the illusion of your love
Of any idea of a god above
Reject my fleeting reality
And accept what lies deep beneath
Your words do harm
Beyond your comprehension
I am nothing to you
Not worth time or mention
I try to scream
To make a sound
To make my thoughts known
And voice them aloud
But you drown it out
Dragging me down with
I'm stuck on this ship
And it's sinking quick
Denial flows deep
Within your veins
You know it never brings pleasure
Only inevitable pain
You won't silence me
I will continue to burn
I have been given a match
Heaven knows I will learn
You may live how you wish
But you can't take me too
Heaven knows I'll survive
Without you
I wish you could see
The pain you cause me
Stand beside me
But I know better
Than to put that hope in thee
So as the whispers in the night
An illusion of my mind
Sing me their sweet soft lullaby
I will think of you
I will think of what you've done
And heaven knows
I'll think of what you've begun
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xx-akubara-xx · 1 month ago
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This segment came out a little fast since I ended up reusing backgrounds and polished sketches into the line work (Ford always looks better with messy lines for some reason lmao)
TFW when the person you thought would never change does- just not for you.
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faaun · 4 months ago
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what draws you back to your country what draws you back to your land when i was a kid i told myself if i ever left iran i'd never go back 2 years into living in the UK i started looking at news on iran again 10 years in and i visited it for the first time again and today i heard an iranian mother talk in farsi to her child on the train to london the way my mother used to and i wanted to cry i wanted to ask her whether they're still cutting the mountaintops whether the lakes are still drying today i showed the person i was with pictures of waterfalls and palaces and forests and snow-white north something odd pulls me back with increasing force i can't ignore it ever again
#i just dont know how else to tell you everything !!! santoor from a different room the large family gathering the black tea with saffron#drank out of delicate glass and gold vessels cold marble on hot nights big stars big rivers big mountains#visible from busy tehran roads the ease of conversation tension eased by sarcasm tall tall cliffsides you drive by#rushing to put on headscarves before the head teacher comes in a rave by the base of damavand massive sun pastel purple skies#disjunct architecture trucks on road sides with fresh fruits pomegranates watermelons oranges everywhere#the smell of golpar on tangerines beautiful girls in tehran holding hands bautiful boys in kermanshah speaking kurdish the janky#cars on the verge of breakdown held together by love caspian sea lighting up in spring staying up into the morning on noruz#my friends uncle sang and played setar his son played the violin a little fear a lot of love remnants of something#grand carved into the cliffside everything feels bigger taller the landscape swallows you it smells like#illegally imported wine and orange blossoms and auntie's tahchin soaking your eyes in warm tea when youre sick#tomatoes and salt concrete and stone something mandmade and something raw new flag old resilience#the anger getting to us bruised eyes big grin all i know is the north i feel sorry my mother asks if id be okay#if they got a place in tajikistan we love each other enough dont we? when we look in the mirror we see each other. theres a love letter#across the border and it says I MISS YOU IM GLAD YOURE DOING BETTER itll never be the same im not okay with it at all there are no more#stars i miss jumping over big fires i miss our fireworks im sorry we cant be happy anymore everyone#leaves the mint and rosewater and sunlight for a reason.#it's not pride it's just generational regret
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getyinyusedtoit · 3 months ago
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i love hualian's specific brand of misunderstanding because it happens due to their internalized feelings of inadequacy and self denial, and these feelings remain self contained. there is no betrayal or argument of any kind, no big catalyst that changes the dynamic of their relationship in some awful way, no negative assumptions placed upon one by the other. they just happen as they are both testing the waters and working through what they're allowed to want, allowed to have while their individual inability to see themselves as worthy of taking want they want, of being loved gets in the way every time.
and it's so good, seeing them fumble these moments that are clearly veiled or outright confessions and yet continue to grow closer in spite of it. to watch them have this journey and watch them teach each other the things they themselves need to learn. it's good because centuries of self denial wouldn't go away overnight, no matter how perfectly they slot into each others lives. instead we get to see both of them learn that they can start to give and take what they want more and more over their journey, until it culminates in less of a confession and more of an acknowledgement, finally having the ability to reach out and embrace love you feel you don't deserve while also giving love to someone who equally fears they don't deserve it.
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lemongogo · 2 months ago
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why do i love the conflict more than anything else . the misery . the incompatibility that spreads like oil slick . wanting so desperately for resolution that never comes . hmmm
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#its the allure of like . mismatch btwn right person / wrong time . maybe in personal development and such#or wrong person / right time and trying 2 make it work but the circumstances are set 2 separate you#i think the guilt ford harbors over his relationship w fidds is good and i think hes had a lot of reflection . 30 yrs at least#but i dont rly care for like a . HELPP SRY IM LIKE talking to myself#i dont rly care ‘if’ they got back tgether in the end#fanon wise or whagever obviouslyy . no avrually emma-may kicking fidds out over the xmas thing its over HELPPPP#i feel like i always hve to clarify bc then theres that one guy whos like ‘smth smth you cant read . ooc loser .’idgaf . not gaffing today#i think mcguckets decision to forgive him is rly sweet And i do like the recognition of .. the whole incident being a misstep on both their#parts ykwim ? like ford was an ass for sureee but also mcgucket + memory gun was his own autonomous detriment#but#no i cant read the other tags i was writing i forgot where i was at#anyways im so obsessed w like . this being such an imperfect event with imperfect equals#ford theory and fidds the mechanics . which brw im also obsessed w how That is revered in canon .#but yeah like imperfect event imperfect people who shared an incredible connecfion in my freaking mind#that was ultimately squandered to fords pride and fidds reticence#ugh like i love the rise and fall i love the strenght of their connection generally corroding over time#its just such a cool motivator for both themselves and like its a history they share together and post weirdmageddon get to finally think a#knowing now what they didnt have the tools to recognize then#idk.^__^ they r so crazy to me . playing w them like dolls in my head#fiddleford mcgucket#stanford pines#gravity falls#every time i think ab this wrt every challeneged dynamic i think ab mars in the discord#talking ab x and y charas epic divorce arc#and im not even saying this to discredit Good relationships in media#bc those have a wealth of fun and interesting concepts or dynamics to dive into#its just something ab like . poetry of anger bro . and how love and hate can feel so similar and be borne from the same place#how one can transform into the other and back again due to . idk whatevee the hell theyve got going on^#prev post got me wishing we had more meat to the fallout#or that it was extended in content or scope . i want 2 see how they dealt with losing the other and then
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commanderfreddy · 7 months ago
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people are discoursing about the laios and shiro fight bc that was always going to happen but i do hope that wave crests quickly and we can all come to see it as what it is: literally one of the best written fights between two people who are both entirely justified in their actions and acting without any malice or cruelty of all time
#theres a tendency - especially in action and faction based media (which a lot of fantasy is or is in dialogue with) - to depict fights only#as happening between someone who Is Right and someone who Is Wrong#and getting to see a full on beatdown between two dudes who are both acting in an entirely understandible way and who both dont actually#want to hurt the other at all - to the extent where their desire to maintain a positive relationship with each other is the SOURCE of their#conflict in the first place - is just so cathartic to see#like unpopular opinion but sometimes you do just need to Fight someone to work through issues youre having#like irl i would not recommend that extent of Force obviously#but if you're two people in a situation where neither has active power over the other sometimes the healthiest option involves expressing#and receiving genuine anger that is not filtered through a social buffer#like sometimes you just need to yell that someone is pissing you off by how much they invade ur time and space and sometimes you need to#yell that someone is sabotaging your ability to interact with them by not expressing any discomfort with your behaviour ever#AND MOST IMPORTANTLY SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO BE YELLED AT#BECAUSE it sucks. it sucks to experience and until you can both share that space of feeling awful with each other youre not gonna get past#it and you're not gonna understand each other's pain#i think they're both wonderfully well written characters and its a testament to their depth as people that i can so easily understand why#and how both of them are behaving the way they do#im still only like halfway through the manga but it is like my favourite character interaction scene so far#fred says a thing#dunmeshi
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autisticaradiamegido · 2 years ago
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day 60
shapes time
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orcelito · 2 months ago
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Thinking again about my plans for Vash and Knives in ITNL
Which I can't really get into the specifics for How I'm going to do things w/o going into spoiler territory. But I Do have Vash & Knives tagged on the fic for a reason. I set up in the first chapter that Vash is determined to try to save Knives too.
Which. That choice, as well as the entire basis for all of this, depends so much on that final fight in trimax. The one that was literally a scene away from where ITNL Vash went back in time. His mentality just a hair's width away from that...
At the end of trimax, there was reconciliation, however brief and incomplete it was. In ITNL, my question to myself was How could I induce that again? Under different circumstances, How Else could we get there? And that is the long-game in ITNL.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#i say reconciliation instead of redemption. because i think redemption is a difficult thing to capture well.#and it would require Knives to feel remorse or regret for his actions. which i dont think he would really.#but. potentially. if the stars align. maybe his goals can be redirected into something productive.#and maybe reconciliation can be achieved. just maybe.#the redirection here is important bc i dont think Knives would abandon his ideals Even If Vash got thru to him#but the key is convincing him that theres another way. that he can protect the plants w/o killing humanity.#easier said than done though. vash and knives are two peas in a pod after all. so incredibly stubborn.#but vash would want to try. because he Doesnt want to kill anyone. not even knives. though if it ended up necessary.....#well. better to try for reconciliation first. that one's as a last resort lol.#ultimately vash Does miss his brother. we see this at the end of trimax. that's the crux of that moment i think. for both of them.#realizing that once upon a time they only had each other. they were Brothers. they were Close. and they both Miss That.#those feelings were buried under miles of anger and resentment on both sides. but under the right circumstances.....#thats why it's important that ITNL was a hair's width away from that scene. bc he was on the verge of having that realization himself.#i replaced that moment with ITNL vash feeling thru the plant conglomerate the whole of knives' self. and his Realization.#the Knowledge that the brother he used to love is still in there somewhere. but he also wouldnt be able to survive this.#and thus his about-turn from 'nothing remained of the brother he loved. he had to stop him.' to 'i'm sorry. i'll save you too.'#hfalhxksd ultimately it's all so FINICKY and ive barely touched on it so far in ITNL. bc Knives has been off in the goop tube or whatever#but ive given it a Lot of thought. and id be so close to Getting There... to the next steps at least... if i kept writing.#hrrgmg. i am Thinking Thoughts...
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thefaultinourforcebond · 1 year ago
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ofc im sad
two whole seasons and before that he's been tortured, and punished for god knows how many times, knows his future and how he'll end up on the sacred timeline, saw his mom die, for season 2 to punish him further by granting him the curse to go back in time and fix things REPEATEDLY for it to not be fruitful at the end.
Loki being God of Stories, Loki Who remains at the heart of Yggdrasil is fine but physically binding him to the tree and not giving him the freedom to visit friends? Cruel. Truly the cruellest thing I've seen written.
It's technically eternal punishment. Why is Loki in his Davy Jones Era when he'd sacrifice so much? And alone????
He can't even get an apple like HWR did.
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[ And do you know how many years did I have to wait to see Will Turner be free from that curse??? ]
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supahstarrr · 9 months ago
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"whitemisia" are you fucking stupid.
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crescentfool · 1 year ago
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with the year coming to a close, i hope that anyone who's reflecting about how the year went remembers to be kind and fair to themselves with how you evaluate the year as a whole.
i think there are definitely times when life throws things that are... Not So Great at you. whether if it's some external circumstance that surprised you, or maybe your mentality wasn't at it's best. i wish for anyone who's encountered those kinds of challenges to be able to triumph over them and be able to say that they got through it.
heck, it might still be a work in progress even though you've kept chipping away at it, and that's ok! the results will show themselves eventually as you work through it! and i hope that we can all remember to be patient with ourselves as we go through these processes (learning, healing, etc.), because damn, it can be frustrating when you feel like you're "not there yet."
knowing that life can be rough at times, i think it's unfair to yourself (and others) to discount and downplay any progress you've made this year- whether if it's something that you did for the first time, or maybe you came to a new understanding and insight that you didn't have in the previous year.
it's not to say that you should undermine the validity of your experience with hardship, but to take the time to remind yourself what makes life worth living. to recall what moments were the most satisfying to you- and use it to strengthen your resolve for the next year and beyond. no amount of hardship will ever take away from the fact that you deserve to have hope that things will get better.
i hope that looking back on the year, you don't leave out the things you cherish. that you can remember the good that came this year. whether if the small victories are things like meeting someone new, trying something out for the first time, or making some strides in a long-term project/obligation...!
i wish everyone a happy new year! may it be prosperous, and that your life can move in a direction that's close to what you want out of life. you're all going to do great! remember to congratulate yourself for what you did well! despite everything, you're still here, and that's wonderful. never forget that!
#lizzy speaks#hello everyone. i know that there are *checks calendar* still 20 days left of december and 2023#but i've had a lot of strong emotions and feelings i've had to sort through as i've been thinking about how 2023 went for me#so a lot of what i've written here comes from the perspective of someone in their early 20s#it's like... a crash and burn from when you were a teenager thinking that you know everything#and realizing how big the world is and how many responsibilities there are#all while a feeling of overwhelm looms over as you try to sift your way through the world and adjust your understanding of it#for me i've definitely had an underlying thought that 'you should have your shit together by now why aren't you there yet'#and it's! not motivating! at all! to think that way. and it's made me more than ever want to be a friend to myself. to extend a patient-#kind voice to myself that reminds me that others are also trying to navigate these feelings and to accept that i'm not going to have an-#instantaneous understanding of how one goes about adulthood. and neither will they. even if they look 'put together.'#like... these people have also undergone similar stresses and along the way figured out how to navigate through that space#and personally i've found peace in knowing that there are people who are older than me. trusting that they've dealt with these things too i#some shape or form and that them living... being here.. is proof that we shall be fine in the end and that we will move past what plagues-#our mind. there's definitely been some... anger i've had this year that. school didnt teach me these things or skills!! i was so mad lol#but hey if we are little guys who are living on planet earth for the first time we shouldn't condemn ourselves to an unrealistic standard-#of going through life and being able to instantly do everything 'correctly' and know how everything works#i'm still working on improving that patience... and also trying to put in the work to understand these things.#in the midst of a very tough week for me i was tempted to say that 'nothing happened this year it was not productive'#but then i was like. that's. objectively not true if you just look at other things. also theres worth in life outside of 'productivity'#...i think i passed 20 tags at this point. but like. my favorite thing about 2023 was meeting so many cool awesome people!#who would've known that funny lil squid game could bring so many connections and friendships i cherish!#thank you so much! for being a part of my life and changing me for the better! for giving me many fond memories!#and i'm very grateful to anyone who supported me and my art this year... for sticking around even though i wished i could do more#it means the world to me knowing that there's proof that i exist and have touched someone's life in a positive way! thank you! truly!#ANYWAY. happy early new year. i hope everyone can nourish a friend in their head that extends acceptance and patience to themselves#as we try and make sense of the world together. there will be things that we don't understand yet! but one day we will! and it'll be like#wow! look how far i came! i'm okay! i'm alive! yipee! thank you for reading this post i made to get my feelings out! have a nice day!
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bisexualdinahlance · 10 months ago
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I don't disagree with the "people would have better fandom experiences if they focused on what they liked about the media/fandom rather than what they hate" because I do think some people get too caught in the negativity vortex.
BUT as someone who is a bit of a complainer (though not as much on this blog as my fandom specific blogs lol), people also have GOT to learn to tag better. Because I would enjoy my fandom a lot more if I could peruse tags - both on tumblr and ao3 - without constantly seeing the content that I hate. And that's WITH blacklisting.
Stop tagging irrelevant things for exposure or "target audience", stop tagging fics with the actor names and every nickname for a character under the sun, stop tagging other relationships or friendships that only pop up for a single line in your 5k fic. Tumblr's tagging system/sorting already sucks without people filling up the tags with shit that doesn't matter.
Like I wouldn't even think about the stuff that pisses me off with fandom nearly as much if I could actually AVOID IT. I've never been someone who has been big on blocking, especially because I forget why people piss me off so easily, but I've had to start blocking a lot more just because it's impossible to exist in fandom at times without being bombarded by the stuff you hate.
(That's not even touching on how absolutely horrid reader tags are because of how Tumblr's tag reader functions. Please use a universal "x reader" tag or something I am BEGGING you. Because right now it's just block on sight.)
Basically, despite how much Tumblr's operating system itself doesn't help, I think a lot of people on both sides of this issue would end up happier and in a better mental place if people were better at tagging.
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llumimoon · 2 years ago
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I’ve been thinking about the Oak family player characters, and a relationship with emotions and what they think the “right” emotion/reaction is to feel in a given circumstance. Like maybe I’m just a sucker for parallels and duality, but I think it’s SUPER interesting. What I’ve got so far is this:
Hildy -> Confidence/Bravery vs Fear
Henry -> Kindness/Empathy vs Anger
Normal -> Happiness/Cheer vs Sadness/Misery
Of course these aren’t like perfect descriptors nor are they always complete opposites, but I just find it very interesting how Oaks always tend to cover up the more unpleasant emotions, you know?
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where-is-caithe · 2 years ago
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Diophne (Dee-off-nee), she/her, goes by Dee.
I made a cute little sylvari! She cries so much and she has a little cat. She's way different from the usual commander I make and it'll be fun to explore with how she reacts to things.
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musubiki · 1 year ago
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does lime ever cry about anything or is angry more of his emotion? cause in all the childhood limochi comics mochi seems to be more the overflowing emotional one and lime is the more repressed on even back then. does that change at all ?
good catch!!! youre correct little mochi was VERY much the cry easy child. even if it was a little inconvenience or when she was angry the tears would flow!! not that she was a whiny brat but any time she got upset she couldnt stop the tears lol
and yes lime channels his negative emotions into anger. baby lime was very "haha REAL men dont cry!!!" type and even as he got older he recognizes "okay yeah everyone cries no big deal hahah" but theres still that underlying mindset. that being said hes a very dry anger type, so it takes a lot to actually get tears to come out, usually the only people hed ever cry for or to is his family + mochi.
the only time we actually SEE him cry is whatever the point is where all his pent up resentment about mochi leaving all of them without any word or warning comes out!! and as SOON as his eyes start watering he just freezes he cant even get anymore words out once he gets to that point
(and actually tried to up and run once the tears started but mochi wouldnt let him. and thats the only time we see lime cry -w- )
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raspberryjellybrains · 4 months ago
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i love you women in horror nothing will ever make me stop loving you women in horror
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