#so its. my fault & im so angry at myself
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god fucking damn it
#i hate feelings#so fucking much#anger especially#what am i angry at?#no fucking idea#go ask the guy who runs the body#i certainly dont deserve to know#but you know what i do deserve#to feel it#i dig myself into holes and then expect to get out no trouble#its always worked#my brain is too fucking loud#pipe down bitch#tw vent#i wish i could explain this#sounds narcissistic but#i would be such a fucking good person if nothing happened#but now i have to deal with shit that was never my fault#kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys#and one of the most annoying parts#is that i could have stopped half of it#but instead#i decided to listen and say nothing#i should've been suspicious when i was told every fucking day#'dont tell anyone/they'll take you away from us/they don't know anything/they're trying to trick you into taking you away'#if you never did anything wrong why do you want to hide it?#but of course hate has to be met with contradictory feelings#i cant physically hate anyone without also feeling pity/love/whatever the fuck you call it#why does it feel like im pretending to be a good person#honestly im growing up into the people i hate the most
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i'm honestly so pissed that i have to pay so fucking much every month just to be myself. i'm pissed every trans person on HRT has to go through this in order to survive. i wish things were different for all of us. i wish strangers would stop deciding who we get to be for us. i wish it wasn't so hard for people to access HRT and i wish we didn't have to rely on dumbass doctors and pharmacies to live. this is hell
#the pharmacist that charged me 70$ today instead of 60$ was so sassy and acted like i have no right to be pissed#and like i shouldnt even be surprised that its this expensive#but i have the right to be angry and so does everybody else#ive been job hunting for months now and i havent gotten a single call back#commissions are my only form of income and im petrified for myself#i havent gotten a single commission on tumblr for the past few months#i want to hide in my bed and sob#i know this isnt my fault and i just need to keep trying and fighting for myself#but im so tired
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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I don't care when people don't include me in stuff, I'm used to it but-----
my own family going on a trip w/o even asking me kinda felt
shit 🫠
#like i understand cuz they gave up on trying to talk to me butttttttt#why the fuck am i the villain in the story even like this 😭#its okay if u dont give a fuck abt me. but at least dont make me feel like i deserve it lol#like yes sorry but i have a reason for lowkey disliking all of you#and i know damn well all of you know why#yet they always say that it makes no sense i behave this way#behave this way means keeping my healthy distance and trying to move out asap#i dont spread hate and im not an asshole with them???#but me not acting all lovey dovey is a problem too#yes idk i always think i should cherish that they are still alive and i could better my relationship with them but#What to do when you can see your own dad literally hating you#like when he talks to me he always does so in a cynical and angry way#man im sorry i was born and shit its kind of your fault for not using a condom :/#lol okay i think imma delete this later but yes#yes i hate it that the only people i feel loved by are de*d ffsssssssssssssss#like all is well lately but i wish! love wouldn't only exist in my head man! im happy this way but when i realize the situation its kind of#pathetic and idk until how long#can i keep on staying sane like this lol#im kind of already insane if we think abt it but how long will it take me to lose my marbles completely 😭#yes this crisis was spiraled by just me not being included in a trip i wouldnt have gone to regardless if they asked me#but yes like. Idk they could have just told me at least😭 i called my sis in the morning and she responded like 10 hours later that they are#w dad and a womannn doing some funsies eating pancakes n shit 👻👻#i hate pancakes and i hate myself but 👻#im jealous of you guys frrrrr🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛ for being so normal n happy 🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛
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#i can't live like this anymore.#no matter what happens it's always my fault. it can never be anyone else's. and when i try to contest that i get treated like a rabid dog#so youre saying the only role im fit for is 'alcoholic shut in?' is that what you're implying? because that's what it seems like#i can't believe i ever fooled myself into thinking anything would change as long as im here.#no matter how much medication i take this town will always make me fantasize about making myself suffer.#it's a black hole. it's a well of misery. no light escapes and it taints everything inside. i can't have anything good here#i know there's something wrong with me. i get it. but it's like being here makes it worse#im a bad person. i don't want to be a good person. it doesn't feel bad. it just feels warm.#but i can take that and put it in a box when im not here. but its like this place IS the box and when im here it just festers#and because of that i can't ever be taken seriously when i have a problem. im always too emotional and too angry and too sensitive#and even if I wasn't any of those things they wouldn't take me seriously anyway.#it's one thing to say your kitchen doesn't have a problem with women and it's another thing entirely to stay true to that.#if a ticket is too slow it's my fault. if the temp on a steak is wrong it's my (female) coworker's fault. if something's not organized#it's one of the girls that left it that way. always.#but whenever the guys have problems it's 'just how it is' but when uts any of us it warrants a talking to every time#if i were normal it wouldn't bother me this much but im not and it does. and no amount of reasoning will ever change a man's mind#this was good while it lasted but i need to leave. my life depends on it. i can't survive here.
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Sometimes i thinks bout how my gen x parents took doctors telling them that that the anti-depressants worked by heling 'balance chemicals' in my brain so that it helped me be more happy or whatever as like... these meds will ALTER MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY AND THEY DAUGHTER THEY LOVE MAY BE GOOONEEEE OOOO~~~"
Not that they're horribly anti-med really, but as a young teen they would always be like "but... what if the meds are changing you :((" like. girl. isn't that the goal here almost-
#i'd apologize for venting but also i dont care.#okidenshi randomness#sometimes im also like. kids are going to grow up and realize Magic isn't real#and i dont mean literally i mean like. realize what they will grow into a world that removes the enchantment that life held a kid held#so yea they're.... going to be less happy or have some sort of shift from that. idk that was me at least#sometimes i think about how they couldn't handle me being anything other than happy or content either and thats why me being dep. was 'bad'#if i was anything else it was like. get yelled at; be ingored; or be told why im wrong#the most difficult thing is like. they didnt mean any of it.#like how can i be mad at my parents for unintentionally harming me. also kids are hard to read soemtimes#so like. mabe it was my fault a bit. but also how is a kid supposed to know how to communicate#let alone an autistic kid#like wheres the line- should i be angry? can i even be? am i elfish? is that bad to be selfish? so am i bad then? WHERE IS THE LINE.#*lies down* im fine im just so angry and mad and have nowhere i feel I can appropriate put this energy without wanting to. you know.#do i even want to get rid of that feeling. like being mad in my own brain even if its at myself is like. WELP! at least it's a line!#again im fine. ouugh im just so angry.#anyway. time to play a videogame and practice opposite action
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#im so pissed off today#the wind is pissing me off bc it keeps making my braids go behind me and get stuck on my bagzips and ouch#work is pissing me off bc my work senior booked me for overtime without asking#uni is pissing me off bc i can't find the time for it and its my dream and im ruining it#I'm pissing myself off bc im annoyed and angry at everything today#im tryinf so hard not to snap at people but jesus christ i have had enough#i woke up angry and frustrated and im trying hard not to show it#and to keep doing what i gotta bc this whole situation with uni is my own fault#and also I'm angry bc i wanna write comfort but i have no time other than 10 mins here or there#im being eaten alive but theres no chance to bite back and hhhhhh fuck this im so done#says the woman doing it anyway🙃🙃🙃#i want uncle wayne and eddie💔#but also i dont bc i wouldn't want them to see me like this
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#lmao like ...... ok i found something out about a friend recently n im just so Disappointed and angry#i feel like.... used JDJDJDJJFJ#and like.. also manipulated but i also kinda saw it coming. i guess im just nad at myself#bci thought my radar had become pretty good. but u know. maybe i shouldnt always give the benefit of the doubt :)))))#this isnt about the guy i have a crush on btw LMAO. hes actually the one that shed the light so........ shouts out JDJDKDJDKKDDKKDKDM#personal#ive tried to write this post like 6 times NDNDMNDDDDDD#im just disappointed idk. like its not my fault ik but......... hhhh#why do ppl have to be such assholes............
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(dont read the tags actually)
#vent#god this year has been so fucking hard man#and things have been so strained with my friend#and i love them so much. theyre my best friend. but at this point are they?#cause they just keep getting pissed at me over everything#and acting really weird#and theyve just. turned into this unendingly angry and negative person to the point i feel like i can barely talk to them anymore#they are so short tempered which i mean they always have been but just not with ME yknow#like they for ten years were always so kind to me and weve always gotten along well#until the last like year#and i know theyre in a bad place but jesus theyve made it so hard to even hold a conversation anymore#and i mean i think things will get better if they can get out of their current situation. i really think we can go back to normal but just.#not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger#and now theyve started directing it at me and im just. getting tired.#i cant tell if they are purposely pushing me away or not. but thats whats happening either way.#and its awful bc i just feel like its all my fault. like im not good enough#im not helpful enough im too annoying im just. not good enough care about anymore#they make me feel like none of my problems are important anymore and like i shouldnt even mention it if im struggling#meanwhile all they do is vent and rant and im really really tired but i dont think i can say anything#im trying to open myself up to being social with people other than them again.#they used to be my best safe space but now they arent anymore#but im still going to be there for them the best i can cause they dont deserve to be abandoned when theyre struggling#but i just hope they can get in a better place and idk. realize theyre kinda being a dick all the time#ugh idk#dont read this shit i just need to get my thoughts straight idk.#i was scrollin when i started thinkin abt this thats the only reason im writin on here abt it#probably gonna delete it in an hour anyway#moon
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#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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I don't know anymore
#it is hard to get out of bed.#i know i hurt her i know i didnt listen to her feelings again#but its hard to think about anybody elses feelings when youre being broken up with#i dont ever want to love again#i dont ever want to put myself through that again#im not a good person#and i surely dont deserve love#she was the closest i had ever come to wanting to get married and live a life together#i realize thats just never going to happen for us#no matter how much i love her#i just dont know what to do without her now#i dont know#its not like i meant to stop giving her attention#its not like i meant to not see her for so long#its just how life played out for us#and it fucked me over#and im angry and im allowed to be#i just needed time#and i would have given her all the time in the world#and no matter what i say it will be my fault in the end#because i didnt try hard enough#didmt love enough#didnt go see her#wasnt mature enough somehow#everything about me she hated anyway...#everything#im sure she only stuck with me because i was the only one giving her attsntion#and when i couldnt as much because of my sickness and me going through so many fucking issues#she bailed#no matter how i try to see it im just left like i always was and always will be. there is no timeline where i get what i want in the end.
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im not sure if you want your ask published bc its pretty personal so ill just reply here.
you explained enough. i understand but thats the reason i have to leave. i cant force you into a role you can never fulfill and i know that. i cant need you for something you cant give me and this is my only way out.
i wish i didnt have to but i have no choice, i cant do this anymore... if all i want from you is attention then thats not a friendship anymore either... we cant even talk for a day... i know what we were in the beginning and i guess i just always hoped we'd go back to that. that we could spend time again (before anything, i started crying right there), play games, get into voice calls (even if its just you writing), maybe get drunk together, fixing your bracelet, just be friends again... but the way things are now i see that that was the abnormal.. and who you are now is better for you... but not better for me and i just dont know how to work with all the times you go. i logically understand them but it still hurts everytime. i suppress my bpd splits every time, every day and its getting so uncomfortable and so exhausting...
i love you too and i wish i couldve stayed i dont even want this (someone else does ig), but i cant. you will never abandon me so i have to leave. maybe one day i can return....idk yet...
#@ 📽️#personal.post#i have my phone on do not disturb so.#id love to unblock you again but if i do that everything just starts anew. -Protector#(“protector”; im (not the one who wrote the post) the one who doesnt want you to stay. i have no connection to you i just see its not#healthy.)#i wish you could be all that too.. but if you never will then what else can i do... i cant let myself get hurt anymore... not like this...#i miss you already i just have to wager rn... do i get hurt every day or do i try to keep whats left of our friendship...#im sorry...#i really wish it was different... but trying to force you into something that you cannot be is even more unhealthy...#we're not angry at you. and this isnt your fault it was just.. inevitable i guess...
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Zodi/Celeste/Raine is somehow both my baby and also the girl my inner little weird girl looks up to so much she adopts parts of her as her personality
#Making Zodi so into entomology got ME into it enough that I got over my phobia of bees#And now things that I think first that she would like I end up liking myself a bit more than I have in the past#like green apple and coconut smells#Instead of basing your OC off your personality....base your personality off your OC LOL#I'm kidding but seriously the adult version of her I have planned would be the absolute coolest friend to have I think#I think creating her I just took a lot of traits I admire and smashed them into one character#She loves being feminine but she's also super tomboyish#She's wicked smart both in street smarts and academics#She has an ambiguous enough tragic backstory and affliction that anyone with a chronic illness#mental health issues#or has done something horrible and regrets it so so much#would be able to relate to her (symbolically at least)#She's a weird girl with weird interests#She's loyal near to a fault#She can treat most afflictions because her ADHD butt has a special interests in medivial/magic medicine#But she is also far from perfect because she does things WRONG and suffers for it#and tries to right it#And suffers with a lot of jealousy problems and some anxieties#She gets angry and bottles up that anger sometimes till she lashes out#But she's also super forgiving because she KNOWS how doing things you regret feels all to well#Idk I just love her#Im thinking about her and she is by far my favourite girl#I've seriously considered taking her and using her in another story#Like she would still be a Tangled OC but at the same time....I'd also take the exact same character#and build a nice story for her to star in bc she is my baby and something I like this much really should have its own thing#Oh I forgot to mention too that I just really like that she doesn't have much focus on things like kids and romance#Like yeah she COULD she has nothing against it but....why tho?#She could take it or leave it. She doesn't need it so she focuses on her own things.#And I also love that I can like her so much and not be trying to ship her with anyone#that's one of my favourite features about her
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I hate the US grading system !!!
#i got 85 or higher on every assignment i submitted for this class and missed ONE quiz on father's day that I couldn't retake#and as a result I have a fucking D. i think i still will technically pass that class but if i FAIL#AND I HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER 2K ON A FUCKING CLASS. I WILL BE INCONSOLABLY ANGRY.#but the kicker ! is that even if i had taken that one quiz i missed and got an 85% on it ! i STILL WOULD HAVE A FUCKING D#WHICH IS SO UNBELIEVABLY IRRITATING TO ME#how HOWWWW can i get 85% MINIMUM on ALL of my assignments and it add up to me BARELY FUCKING PASSING THE CLASS.#im hoping the prof might round me up a little bit but i am ready to tear things apart with my teeth#if i had known it would've been this close of a call i would've just asked the fucking prof if i could retake the quiz#i just didn't want to deal with it but if that ONE QUIZ IS WHAT MAKES ME LOSE ANOTHER 2 THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS#all i can do is wait for grades to be published bc it is Beyond The Point of Alteration#i am so fucking angry about this lmao#if i had EARNED a D i would've accepted it. i have done work deserving of a D and I know what that means#but the slow creeping cold rage i felt when i started calculating my grade and realized it was so low#i couldve killed the man if he was in front of me. i know its not his fault but i am a chimpanzee forced to understand math and consequences#i have like 3 classes left. i currently have a 3.7 gpa and need at least a 2.5 gpa to attend my (eventual) grad school#if this fucks everything up for me. this started as a funny haha venting shit post but i am starting to become very serious#if this ONE CLASS. MEANS THAT IT WAS ALL FOR FUCKING NOTHING.#deep breaths. its three credits. it cannot have such an impact on my gpa that it outweighs all of the other credits.#if i wasted two thousand fucking dollars on this class i might burst into flames#all of the saving and penny pinching and extra hours and burnout and for fucking WHAT#and that was AFTER 2k to fix my car!@@@haha#i need to go to bed now because if i let myself get any angrier i think i might blow up#brother my fucking blood pressure. good night
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god
#im so sick and tired of being alive i have nothing else to look forward too#like this has to be my fault somehow i dont know why else this could be happening to me#i mustve done something to make my own life so fucking miserable#theres nothing i can say i like about myself anymore everything about me feels so dulled down#like i hate the way that i look and i hate my voice and i hate being so angry all the time#and ive been trying to convince myself that summer break will be nice and less stressful but its fucking not#i get forced to wear clothes i hate everyday and im stuck at quran classes when im supposed to have a break#im so fucking tired i just want to be with my friends and be happy im nit even asking for muhc please#finn.txt
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im trying
#i feel like im always saying that#its harder than you think#even more so when i cant find the words to say or even pinpoint how im feeling#im not fuckng perfect. even when i was it wasnt enough for anyone#how am i supposed to know and express how i feel and what i want when i was never given an option.... how is that my fault....#fuck my stupid baka life#personal#vent post#im fine. i just need therapy but todays solution is sleep cause i have to work tonight i havent slept yet and im exhausted all the time#instead of being angry at me for not saying what i want/how i feel you couldve been gentle and helped me try to communicate#i needed you to say 'hey i understand why you always do this but its ok for you to take up space around me. youre safe to have an opinion'#oh well. its been well over two years. no sense in dwelling on it. its my job to tell myself im safe now. im allowed to take up space#its time for bed now emma. sleep well. i love you 💙
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