#not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger

[meateater-rabbit]

(dont read the tags actually)

[dxmedstudent]

I've been having virtual CBT appointments since before lockdown. It started as a way to manage work- related stress, and improve my coping mechanisms. Clearly though a pandemic has added to that, so it feels like a lucky time to have referred myself.

The other day, whilst speaking to my counsellor about accepting uncertainty and avoiding worrying or ruminating on things I can't change, and making plans for the few things I can, I realised a little of why I am struggling with this sometimes.

I realised that I find it hard to feel hopeful about the other Lockdown changes happening because functionally my needs aren't being met.

My life has changed dramatically, and despite lots of virtual contact from loved ones (more than before the pandemic) it's just not the same. And on top of dread over how many people will die, I feel this strange resentment that I can't have the interactions that bring joy to my life. A lot of our lives as care workers involves balancing the pressures of work with the things that make you feel human. And time with loved ones is an important part of that.

For me, seeing my boyfriend and family are like the bottom of my Maslow's hierarchy pyramid. Talking to them may be right at the bottom, but seeing them, hugging them, being able to be with them is only just above that. Without that, I gain little joy from the idea shops might reopen or I can play golf, or whatever else is being touted as the next step down. I don't want the ability to meaninglessly interact with strangers, meet six people in a park or live my life at 2m apart from everyone ever. I don't give a crap that barbers may reopen, or we can do a million things that don't involve meaningful contact with others. I'm already doing nice things by myself, thanks but it doesn't change things.

I probably should try to focus on the positives but it's hard to care when work will probably get busier and my personal life remains strictly locked down. But it's hard when something important is missing.

On a purely selfish level, I want social bubbles and the ability to be with people I love, even if it's not many people. Which Scotland seem to be allowing, but I suspect England won't for some time. I can appreciate the economic justifications for focusing on getting people back to work rather than together. But it just sucks on a personal level, and whilst at times I feel pretty OK with it all I've struggled with it this week.

It doesn't help that I live far enough from my loved ones that driving into town to walk past them in a park would be an undertaking, and with public transport it'd be both inadviseable and difficult under the circumstances. I hope to move closer when I can, and the lockdown has really made me evaluate how I see my career panning out, because it's reinforced that I do well at a small distance from loved ones; but only if it's close enough to allow regular contact. I've always been lucky enough to be close enough to spend weekends with loved ones, and I don't think I appreciated just how central that is to enjoying my life.

Quite simply, it's made me think that any career that'd force me to move further away would probably take its toll mentally. Which unfortunately is hard to avoid in medicine. I guess its given me a sneak peak of what it might feel like to move further away for work.

If anything, I dread the lockdown relaxing because it might cause a second wave, and loads more deaths. It's been hard to avoid worrying about this as well, though I find it easier to accept I can't fix the entire NHS. I think we may cope worse when theres a second wave, if the UK can't afford to shut things down again. Which on a personal note will mean even longer til I can be with loved ones.

* if you're asking why I haven't included friends, it's because a lot of my friendships have been long distance - I still miss them terribly but we are used to going a lot longer without hugs and being physically there. It's a hurt, but a familiar one I already have the tools to deal with. But the idea that it might not be safe for me to hug my mum for months or years, or that the govt won't let me kiss my boyfriend til we can live together is, I'm not gonna lie, depressing.

I know everyone has sacrificed meaningful interactions. Everyone has their own difficulties right now. But that doesn't stop the selfish little voice in my head that just finds this all frustrating. I can't even say it bothers me all the time, there are lots of times when it feels OK. I feel happy mist of the time and have fun things to do and plenty of contact. But when it does hit me, it's not fun. It feels pretty petty tbh in the grand scheme of things. But it is what it is and I just have to work through it as best as I can.

[nihilisticlinguistics]

NOTT THE BRAVE PLAYLIST BREAKDOWN:

Shoplifting | The Slits: “Ah, the thrill of the perfect crime. Yes, Nott the Brave steals for survival… but let’s not kid ourselves — she also kinda loves it.”

Sam is definitely in full goofing form for his first song or two. It’s his favorite pattern--joke, joke, joke, twist. This song is literally an account of shoplifting, one of Nott’s favorite hobbies. The old strategy appears in these lyrics; Caleb talks to the shopkeeper, who “won’t suspect” while Nott sneaks various trinkets into her packs and clothes. As the campaign has gone on, however, we see her stealing less and less. As Sam once pointed out, it’s a lot easier to steal things when you can pay for them. At one point we see her mail a package of stolen baubles to Felderwin (A Favor in Kind); the next time she sends off a package, she simply pays for the types of things she wants to send off (Commerce and Chaos). There’s an adrenaline rush to theft, for sure, but she can get that rush by adventuring. The thrill of “doing a runner” is still there, but it’s been absorbed into the day-to-day life of the Mighty Nein.

Ugly | Violent Femmes: “Funny tune, but also how Nott views herself. Loudly, constantly, mockingly ugly.”

Sam’s little explanation pretty much sums up the point of this song on the playlist. Nott’s image of herself is complicated, even more so now there’s the possibility she wasn’t always a goblin. I find it very interesting that this song is from the perspective of someone else. Not only does the song speak to Nott’s view on her appearance, it also expresses how others treat her because of how she looks. The line “Ugly-- you’re no friend of mine” in particular gets to this idea that Nott has been rejected time and again for her outward appearance--see how Lawmaster Norda in Trostenwald reacted to Nott in episode four, for example. Although this song is also silly in tone, it’s still pretty revealing. It does make me wonder how Yeza reacted to Nott-the-goblin, and how his response to her (changed?) appearance affected her self-perception.

I Will Follow Him | Peggy March: “Meeting Caleb ignited a flame of hope in our skittish goblin. She quickly pledged herself to his protection and care. Where he goes, she will follow.”

This song is unquestionably a song of devotion. But devotion to whom, exactly? As we’ve recently seen, Nott’s bond with Caleb bears more than just a passing resemblance to her relationship with Luke. Nott has grown close with Caleb, her dearest friend and surrogate child, and will follow him anywhere he goes (though perhaps not anywhere after all, as we see later in the playlist). The lines “and nothing can keep him from me/he is my destiny” are standouts here, because they seem to represent what Nott sees as her ‘endgame,’ i.e., no longer being a goblin. Flip the narrative around, however, and we see that something has been keeping Nott from Luke, in spite of her best efforts and “trying to get back” but “not being strong enough.” It seems that in Luke’s absence, she hasn’t just transferred her protective instinct to Caleb but also her desperate desire to be with her child--one that has a significant obstacle attached to it, where until now, nothing has come between Nott and Caleb.

The Wizard and I | Stephen Schwartz: “Remarkably perfect song reflecting Nott’s dream of being saved by the magic of a wizard. Favorite line: ‘Would it be all right by you if I de-green-ify you?’”

Yeah...Sam’s blurb calls out the number one line in this song, for sure. But there are other parallels here, too. In the first part of the song, Elphaba learns that her own magical abilities that she’s tried to suppress might be the way she can get closer to the Wizard of Oz and eventually achieve her dreams. Nott, similarly, has latent magical abilities that Caleb has been teaching her and encouraging her to explore on her own, further strengthening their bond. Elphaba has been hoping to meet the Wizard (and by implication to be rid of her green skin) “since birth”--and if Nott was indeed reborn as a goblin with her adult memories intact, she would be in the same position. The lines “and this gift or this curse I have inside/maybe at last, I’ll know why” are also really interesting in this context. With the speculation that meddling with the beacon caused her to be reincarnated or transformed into a goblin, the idea that being around Caleb might lead her to answers about why it happened suddenly becomes a lot more possible--since without Caleb and the rest of the Nein, Nott might never have known what the Beacon, or dunamancy, was, and perhaps never would have heard about the reincarnation powers it holds. 

I Got Drunk | Mal Blum: “Brilliant track about the monotony of drunkenness. Nott relies on her inebriation more than she probably should. But booze is always there, a steady, reassuring friend.”

“It’s just so easy when there’s nothing else to lose,” Blum’s first verse says. And isn’t that the position we found Nott in when the story began? Without a home, without a family, and with almost no hope left--just the chance that Caleb could one day be powerful enough to change her. The later line “I’ve got to drink ‘til I am dead or I am numb” points more to how Nott drinks to self-medicate or cope. She definitely seems to use the alcohol as a coping mechanism for her body dysmorphia, and the fact that drunkenness makes her immune to fear calls to mind the halfling traits that she lacks--or has lost. She drinks to numb out both her pain and her fear. Nott wants to “drink ‘til I get drunk, do something dumb,” and indeed, she does get seriously reckless and more impulsive when intoxicated. 

Brave | Riley Pearce: “In this song, I hear less about bravery and more about trying to be courageous for someone else. This is a powerful driving force behind some of Nott’s finer moments. She’s not trying to prove anything to herself — she’s doing it for another person.”

It’s unclear if Sam’s referring to Nott’s past when he mentions “someone else” or if he’s speaking more generally about how Nott’s bravery depends on her being needed. “I’m just trying to be brave” is literally the entire chorus, and we see that in how Nott drinks to overcome her fears, but also in her presumed desire to become (or return to being) a halfling. We also get a hint at Nott’s fears in the post-chorus lines “It’s the body of water/that splits us right down the middle/I’ll be coming back for you.” The speculation that water might have played a role in Nott’s death (if that happened? we need answers) plays right to this part of the song--that water literally separated her from her family, but that she wants to come back for them eventually. Another verse says “to get home now would take something/that I’m not sure I have left,” reflecting how Nott said she “wasn’t strong enough yet” to come home, and how she said “I will be [alive again] too,” implying that at least for the moment she doesn’t see herself as fully “alive.”

Hotel Detective | They Might be Giants: “Being a small-time detective gives Nott endless entertainment, and has sparked a unique friendship with Jester, one she hopes will last forever.”

After that string of relatively heavy songs, Hotel Detective is another lighthearted interlude. After all, Nott and Jester’s relationship tends toward the comic relief. The lyrics are fun, and so is the tune. Lines like “if you’ve got a secret, boy/forget about it!” are pure Jester and Nott, and the confidence they exude even when they’re wrong in the course of their “investigations.” There’s another subtle line that jumps out at me: “she says she likes my face.” Jester, moreso than any other member of the Nein, insists that Nott is beautiful. While the rest are more realistic about goblin features and especially how they’re perceived by the public, Jester stalwartly sticks by her perception of Nott as pretty and feminine, and I have no doubt that insistence plays a role in how quickly Nott got attached to Jester.

Hiding and Seeking | Little Chief: “She is always hiding from the judgment of others… but also seeking their acceptance. It’s a tricky balance, one that Nott has not yet mastered.”

This song is really brief, but nevertheless there are still lines worth unpacking. “I am free to roam/there is nothing to fear” seems to refer to Nott’s sense of safety with the Nein; she doesn’t need to hide herself from them, and she doesn’t need to fear them. Nott doesn’t want to hide, but hiding is absolutely how she survives; she wants to be *found* in some way, but I suspect it’s more that she wants to be understood than literally discovered or tracked down. She may be asking “come and seek me” because she’s hidden parts of herself that the Nein haven’t paid any notice to yet--but now, I think we’ll see the rest of the party will “come and find” her sooner rather than later.

Psycho Killer | Talking Heads: “Nott may be anxious, but if you push her around too much, the little goblin girl might get set off. And then… it’s on.”

Sure, this is a song about Nott going off on her opponents, but there’s a lot of “run run run run away” for a raw combat-oriented song. I almost feel that a part of this song is a commentary on the party: “you’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything/when I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed” being a commentary on how the party often goes in circles rather than cutting through the bullshit. The bridge of this song is in French, and the line “je me lance, vers la gloire” [roughly, I’m going for the glory] sticks out in particular given that of the entire party, Nott has far and away the highest kill count.

Self Care | Mac Miller: “Tragic song by a tragic musician. Nott’s need to self-medicate could get her killed one day, but to her, it’s worth it.”

“And you can find me, I ain’t hiding” is interesting in contrast with Hiding and Seeking, where Nott is hiding in spite of her desire to be found. I think it’s key that this song is referencing Nott’s drinking--she’s engaging in constant, public substance abuse, and makes no attempt to hide the fact that she’s an alcoholic. Miller says “I was, thinking too much, got stuck in oblivion;” Nott copes with her anxieties by drowning it out with liquor, and she’s trapping herself in that position. We’ve started to see the cracks in that carefree facade now that she’s lashed out at both Caleb and Jester while severely drunk. 

Two Birds | Regina Spektor: “The lyrics describe a wonderful, inseparable pair. But there’s a lingering doubt. Something standing in the way. Some force that might pull them apart someday…”

This is almost certainly about Caleb and Nott. She has insisted that “there’s nothing I won’t understand,” i.e., she loves him unconditionally and wants him to forgive himself. But as Sam says, there’s something standing in the way. This ‘force’ that’s present isn’t quite pinned down--Caleb’s goals, or Nott’s family, perhaps. But as this backstory begins to unravel, I think we see that Caleb doesn’t want to move forward--he’s “never going to let go of that wire” while Nott is inclined to go on with life, and the fact that he’s trapped in the past and afraid to open up might be the very thing that pulls them apart.

Sinking Ship | Wild Child: “Just a really sad, beautiful song. Nott has a deep, underlying regret every day of her life. But sometimes you need to experience true sadness to emerge on the other side.��

“Oh, if it’s cold in the water/am I better for it” is, um. It’s a lot, especially given the theory that Nott-as-a-halfling could have died by drowning. The theme of water comes up several times in the playlist, but nowhere so tragically as here. This “underlying regret every day of her life” that Sam mentions, in conjunction with the water theme, makes me desperate to find out exactly how Nott was separated from Yeza and Luke, and if leaving Felderwin is her deep, underlying regret, or if something even more profound has shaped her. “Both my broken hands are true” definitely feels like a commentary on her loyalty to both Yeza and Luke, and her desire to come home someday, feeling “always here and now with you” in spite of being miles away. 

S.O.B. | Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats: “How wonderful it would be if we could all just let loose, be who we are inside, and get totally f—ked up.”

“I’m gonna need someone to care,” Rateliff sings, but “if I can’t get clean/I’m gonna drink my life away.” Isn’t that the worst ever summary of Nott the Brave? She’s desperate to have someone who will help her, and she’s sure to have found more than one ally in the Mighty Nein, but until this moment, they didn’t realize how fragile Nott’s composure has been. If she can’t get out of her cycle of alcohol abuse--something that might only be remedied by being True Polymorphed--drinking really will put her life at risk. The line “my heart was breaking, hands are shaking” doubles down on her relationship with drinking as an inherently unhealthy coping mechanism. “Son of a bitch, give me a drink/one more night/this can’t be me” addresses the facts of Nott’s situation in exactly the way Sam lays it out: Nott wants to be herself in some way that is inaccessible to her, and she drinks both to cope with that reality as well as to get closer to what she wishes she could be. At the same time, she wants to get “totally fucked up” and let go altogether, because when she’s drunk, she doesn’t have to worry about anything.