#so im fucking dissociated lmfao

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

How does it feel to other systems when they switch? Here's some of our switching sensations:

Feeling like being thrown around inside our body like riding a roller coaster

Feeling like one of us dissolves into nothing and another person takes over the body (possession)

Suddenly feeling like having stepped into a foreign body

Forgetting "who we are" and feeling like we are an imposter trying to act like someone we aren't

Feeling like we are still a child trapped in our traumatic environment (flashback)

Not noticing for awhile until something/someone makes us think about it (like individual quirks, likes/dislikes, dysphoria, ect.)

Just some I thought of of the top of my head. We are still discovering more about ourselves and realising that what we are dealing with isn't normal and that we are indeed severely mentally ill. Awkward lol

[ripgray-moved]

hi, friends. i very tentatively crawl online after yesterday. just as a word of advice: don't play fucking detective when someone decides to open up to you about their mental health. be a decent human being.

[acetheta]

im so tired i just want to go home

[tsurugis]

my ass cant fucking sleep because i think my brain is coming to terms with the fact that i cant ignore i might have cancer back lol last thing i want is to find out for sure but here we fucking are

[toxycodone]

genital headcannons for :

Falin

Laios

Chilchuck

Toshiro

Namari

Venery

Thistle

Falin definitely has a penis, I think hers is probably the biggest out of Laios' party? Namari definitely packs, I would let her peg me for hours omg..... she could ruin me. Ermmm.. Chilchuck probably has a big cock for a halfling, he's fucking TALL !!!! bro has to be packing something. Also shaved or not shaved... Namari body hair everywhere OMG I need her to shove my face into her bush I need to smell her. Sorry I'm being a little too straight (? I am a man but this feels gay idk) ... anyway chil, Namari, and Falin are unshaved, full bush down there. I feel like Toshiro at his best keeps everything trimmed !! but when he can't even shave his face when he's at his lowest... bro wouldn't have the energy to take care of it. Hmm and then Laios could be either way..?? We know he shaves his face and keeps his hair short bc he doesn't wanna look like his dad, but would he even think of shaving his pubes????? Idk. Wait is this a weird thing to think about? Oh wait do elves grow body hair??? I feel like thistle would have some body hair if it's possible, I feel like they can't... unless my DND 5e knowledge is getting mixed with uhmmm. What is it called... DUNGEON MESHI I think I'm starting to dissociate I'm going to stop typing lmfao

FALIN - GIRLCOCK. Whether you are a trans!Falin fan or what, in my eyes after the red dragon thing. She gets girl cock. I can see this as either like, a penis or like T-dick. Whatever you decide. But whatever it is her situation is definitely unique. Also she got a bush frfr

Laios - COCK. (I am also a trans!Laios fan so like. He can have anything in his pants it don’t matter imma eat it but usually when I write him it’s cock). His dick is as painfully average as he is. Not crazy length wise but he got some girth to it. I’m thinking like. 5 inches frfr. Maybe 6 but that’s generous imo. No manscaping just vibes he’s full bush down there. And body hair on his chest/legs/arms and around his groin

Chilchuck - OKAY. His dick is probably like more similar to an average tallman penis. Which is remarkable considering he’s like half their size. I’m gonna give him four inches and he’s breaking other halflings in half with it but with other races. He’s learned how to use it. Chilchuck is a real one. Light on body hair, but would keep it tidy when he’s not in the dungeon (I think he likes to manscape and like. Appreciate himself in the mirror lol)

Toshiro - He is ALL length and so embarrassed about it. (Def afraid he’s gonna hurt you.) He could learn to love it with a supportive partner though. I think for a while he’s rocking bush because like, yknow. That stuff isn’t really talked about…but he figured it out for himself that when he takes his time and shaves and stuff after a anything or whatever he’ll do some trimming down there because he likes the neatness. I like to think he grows body hair but it’s not super dark for some reason (besides on his face people get jealous at the beard he can grow)

Namari - SHE IS JUST LIKE ME I GET HER VIBE SO WHAT IM SAYING HERE IS CANON: SHE HAS CRAZY PUSS BUT IS ALWAYS ROCKING THE STRAP. Namari doesn’t let anyone fuck her hole unless they’re in a committed relationship (she does not play about that either if you insert anything in her sex is over). Insane with the strap too. She’s someone I can genuinely see breaking the bed with her strokes. Also she’s got body hair for days. Like other Dwarf women she can grow a beard too but she usually shaves. (Namari with stubble…I’m bout to go feral.)

Venery - Started off with a human vagina. Now it’s some weird mix between that + hyena + dragon cock. I think he’s canonically intersex due to the ancient magic. But he’s happy about it. Also UHHHHHH…..HE LAYS EGGS. JS.

Thistle - Okay Thistle is so trans to me I think he gives himself top surgery when he’s getting older with ancient magic. He leaves the downstairs area alone because he’s fine with just presenting masc that’s good enough for him. Very low body hair he just sits in the middle of gender ambiguous for REAL.

[kindlespark]

this is gonna be SO long and rambly sorry anyway i saw a post abt how babel does queer characters and it got me thinking abt why the tropes it uses would usually turn me off other stories but didn’t here

MAJOR BABEL SPOILERS //

i feel like i’d be more mad abt how robinramy ended up in babel if it marketed itself as queer lit at all or if its fans were going “WOW AMAZING QUEER REP” abt it. but no one told me any of that, so finding out they were gay was just a fun little bonus surprise to me. i get why ppl are eh abt robinramy not getting together/technically still being subtext (which i dont think is really true btw like the book literally says “robin was falling in love” but idk i guess if you were stupid you might’ve assumed that it was falling in love with oxford given how romantic some of the other language is (WHICH IS ALSO THE POINT bc i think robin’s friendship with ramy blurring into romance is why he romanticised like all his friendships/experiences in oxford BUT IM GETTING OFF-TOPIC)). i just think robin’s repression abt being gay was intrinsically tied to his attitudes on imperialism (wrt refusing to acknowledge anything that complicated his life until it was too late) and i don’t consider it a cop out or queerbait. like i genuinely don’t think robinramy could ever have gotten together without drastic alterations being made in terms of plot and character. plus i think it’s clear that kuang didn’t want to write a story with any kind of focus on romance at all, because it’s not that kind of book. there’s no successful het romance either, so it grates a lot less. the only reason romance is included at all is to show the ways in which white entitlement manifests. so the tragic way robinramy played out just made sense to me.

and i speak as someone who accidentally spoiled myself on You Know What in the middle of reading and i was like ugghh boooo dreading it the whole time expecting to roll my eyes when it happened but then when it did i was like. wow im actually not that mad LMFAO 😭😭😭 actually thematically the book sets it up so well that i believed that this was unfortunately the only way it could’ve gone. babel is about the loss and tragedy and grief that colonised people experience. it’s about the lengths people will go to to uphold empire and the lengths ppl will go to to tear it down like idk 😭 i guess it is bury your gays but it didnt bother me this time because i thought it fit thematically ❤️ i enjoy tragedy as a genre a lot and i would’ve made it gay anyway you know. thanks rf kuang for doing it for me so i didnt have to.

WHICH IS ALL TO SAY that i guess if you’re going into babel for the queer rep without appreciating that the story is fundamentally a tragedy it would feel like it’s just reusing tired tropes….. but i think the choices kuang made were rly deliberate and not in a way that feels like trauma porn or shock value. the book is fundamentally about the struggles of poc so the layer of queerness that was introduced felt like a subtle extension of the experiences of characters of colour in the book, and i enjoyed and related to it as a queer chinese person who kind of realised they had to prioritise their fight for the liberation of poc over queerness mainly because the idea of western queer liberation cannot be dissociated from imperialism and many aspects of homophobia as we know it was an export of christian european empire into our colonised countries in the first place and FUCK THIS IS A WHOLE OTHER TANGENT ABOUT HOW I THINK RAMY AS A CHARACTER IS EMBLEMATIC OF THE TENSION AND STRUGGLE THAT QUEER POC DIASPORA HAVE BETWEEN OUR IDENTITIES GODDAMNIT OK FORGET IT POST CANCELLED i just rly think babel’s handling of queer characters is fine and makes sense and i like it personally and maybe i will make a coherent analysis about it one day but that day is not today byeeeeeee

[trauma-bot]

ouuuu i need the lore... i love selfships so much.... nuze lore please.... if you want..........

YAY YAY YAY. im gonna try so hard to keep this somewhat brief to leave room for any more questions but we'll see how that goes <3

so to preface this E does have a toyhouse bio that you can look at if you're curious! it has a more in-depth look at his personality and whole deal. you can also look at his gallery if you'd like; thats where his references and other artwork for him are stored!

ALRIGHT. RAMBLING UNDER THE CUT

a lot of it is very much to fulfill my weird convoluted fantasy of "what if i lost all hope for a future that i exist in and was convinced that i was going to succumb to the claws of my trauma and rot there forever (basically dooming myself in my own narrative) thus becoming the absolute worst version of myself in what i believe to be my final moments only for someone (two someones in this case) to love and believe in me so much that, despite it all and despite everything that was done to me and that ive done myself, gives me enough hope to undoom myself". i'm normal i swear.

also just generally im a big big sucker for stories about survivors of trauma being there for each other, and in that way i get a lot of comfort from nuze.

SO. NUZE LORE... (once again shout outs to my bestie night for coining their ship name lol)

i guess ill break it down like this, starting with N/E. (alt. ship name being pupE love (coined by another bestie of mine charlie)) E knew N back at the manor and they were close friends then, N was the first person E came out as trans to (by that i mean. N helped E work through his tumultuous robo gender feelings in real time) and N was the only one E really felt comfortable around. (other than tessa! E was also friendly with V back then as well<3)

however, E was also badly traumatized by his time in the manor, and of course Canon Events happen. E, as a disassembly drone, is now much more muted, detached, numbed, and devoted completely to their directive. he's very very very repressed and his specific brand of memory issues as well as the fucked up memory dreams causes him to dissociate and spiral a lot. he also distanced himself a lot from N for reasons even he isn't entirely privy to. something in his hardwiring just told him that N would be safer the less E stayed with him. and N is!!! really saddened by that!!! its normal! E has to learn to not be an emotionless object and actually let himself feel and need and yearn, and N is a big help with that (uzi is as well ofc!!)

i have to skip past a lot of things for the sake of not making this post so many words long but regardless; N/E is really special to me because they are two people who are in a very similar and scary situation and have had to see each other get hurt or even killed in many clone instances in many reset memory files. and its the just. the willingness to love despite knowing what happened to you and even witnessing it at times, to say "this is not all we are" and break free from those iron chains despite knowing how much it'll hurt and how dire everything is. E is so convinced that its all worthless and he couldn't be anything more than what he's used for, while N desperately wants a better life for himself and those he loves, and he's gonna drag E kicking and screaming to hope and healing. <3

NOW. UZIE :3 (alt. ship name is angelfangz)

E is MIA from the squad until like right after episode 3 canonically happens and is found by uzi and N. uzi does not trust E at first not one bit LMFAO. she doesn't hate him but like. her only frame of reference for murder drones besides N is V and J. and also E is like. he's weird and says weird cryptic things and is not exactly the easiest to talk to due to how off-putting and repressed he is. at first E is like "why is there a worker drone. in the spire. and we're all okay with this" but after actually getting more context behind Everything he's curious about her more than anything. he has to be swayed into betraying his initial directive (kill all worker drones. yknow) only because thats like all he knows how to do and would feel aimless without it, but once he is he's loyal to his new directive (help uzi figure out what the hell is going on with this solver business). yeah he treats himself like an object that can only find worth in being ordered around but we dont have time to unpack all of that right now. he unlearns it later i prommy.

uzi is like. spitefully resistant to getting to know E on a deeper lever, but this is uzi "no bonding thing" doorman and she cannot help but care about E and be concerned about his behavior. she will notttt admit that however and stubbornly holds her ground. it isnt until post-episode 4 when E and uzi are fully vulnerable around each other.

uziE is. so so very important to me. uzi has been outcasted and isolated for so much of her life, she's been treated as a weirdo freak monster by her classmates and becomes outwardly prickly and aggressive to cope with how little affection and reassurance she's been given. i know she's internalized it to mean there is something wrong with her that everyone else can see, and its only a matter of time before those who actually care for her see it too and leave her. and i know that the events of episode 4 confirmed it in her mind, that she is a freak monster and everyone was right to avoid and hate her, even though she never asked for any of this. thats a very familar feeling to me- and by extension E. E recognizes the feeling of being made into a monster against your will, of fearing and being unable to trust yourself, and of feeling like its best for everyone's safety to hide away. E and uzi find solace and comfort in each other for that. they dont see each other as broken irredeemable monsters, so maybe they aren't.

im stopping here because holy shit this got long but THERES A LOT MORE LOLL. tldr nuze altogether is very very important to me and i could talk about them forever and ever. they love each other all so much and they grow and heal and forgive and aaaaughhhgh<3 im normal.

[chemicalcarousel]

just finished watching that 2 hr colin ross lecture about DID and it was so good. i had no idea schizophrenia used to encompass DID when it was coined, but it makes so much sense with the name "split mind" and why people mix them up all the time and also why we were suspected to be psychotic at first. it's just scary that modern psychiatrists still can't tell the difference. we really recognised the struggle of "not fitting in any diagnostic box" (what multiple doctors have told us) because our symptoms seem kinda psychotic at first glance if you don't know much about traumatology

it's really wild hearing someone describe a patient with DID and relating so much to it, when you're used to being told by doctors in your life that you're such a weird case and maybe you have thing unique disorder that hasn't been described in literature yet. it's scary because DID is so common compared to what doctors suspect. i have very clear symptoms of being traumatised, i openly tell them i have complex childhood trauma, yet they think i can't have a trauma disorder or at most they might say bpd. i'm so obviously fragmented!! there's a reason i was all over the place symptom-wise when i was hospitalised for depression!!! some days i seemed not depressed and other days i almost killed myself because i'm dissociative!! like i didn't know back then either, but doctors should have noticed. they should have screened me for dissociative symptoms!!! they should do that with all patients, especially when they are fucking hospitalised!!!

i have switched to child alters in front of my psychologist before and she just wanted to see me "do that voice again" while i was so fucking scared because i didn't know what was going on. i know she probably said it to see if it was voluntary that i could change my voice, but it felt so humiliating and like i was a circus freak the way she asked. like she already knew it wasn't voluntary and it was a response to being triggered in therapy because we talked about my childhood trauma!!! she'd said she knew it was an automatic reaction i had to being triggered, still she said i didn't have "real flashbacks" so i didn't have ptsd and it was all just bipolar, which it turns out i don't even have!!!! lol she ended up giving up on me and passing me on to some other therapist, but man... she made me almost kms so many times lol i know she didn't mean to, but she was so fucking bad at her job imho

it was so fucking funny to have entered the clinic in 2018 with my own personal suspicious being that i have cptsd, then getting told no i don't until late 2023 where my 2nd therapist asks me if i know about cptsd and that i seem to have it BITCH I KNOW LMFAO I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS BUT YALL GASLIGHTED ME INTO THINKING I COULDN'T HAVE IT AND TOLD ME I WAS PSYCHOTIC AND NEEDED ANTIPSYCHOTICS, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MOOD STABILIZERS AND DIDN'T LISTEN WHEN NONE OF IT WORKED!!!!!

man.... and now im waiting like 69 weeks for my next psychiatrist bc i gave up on that shit clinic, who didn't want to transfer me to their trauma department because i didn't have war or service related trauma..... even though i found out they also treat other cases than that............ this system is a fucking joke. also the 69 weeks is not for a specialist, this was just the quickest i can see a psychiatrist without trying to kms and being involuntarily hospitalised. i'm just gonna see some normal psychiatrist and idk if she even believes in DID bc i didn't get to talk with her, only her secretary. so maybe when that year and three months have passed i find out she only knows how to diagnose anxiety and depression <333 or maybe she's homophobic or transphobic, bc that's something i've also experienced! <3333333

man.... i was brutally abused by my family and neglected by the system since before i was born and now im just.... stuck here with an illness there's a cure for, but with no access to it!!!! and it's not like i haven't tried getting help - i've been in and out of psych treatment from age 14-27!!! i've read up on shit myself bc here doctors just say "idk take this pill and stfu, hysteric woman" like i've been misdiagnosed so many times now.... at least im almost off all of my psych meds now! like they are good for some, but i was literally just fed pills for shit i didn't have and when i wasn't feeling better, they just upped the dose and told me i'd be more unstable without it when this doctor had never seen me without it and i've been on it for like a decade, still super unstable <3

long rant/vent lol but idk man it's just nice getting some of this out of my system

[uglyduckling339]

KY'S LIFE IS STRANGE DOUBLE EXPOSURE NONSENSE LIVEBLOG: Episode 3

(as always, spoilers ahead!! don't read unless you've played the game or watched it bc otherwise none of these will make sense)

Tutorial Episode 1 Episode 2

LETS FUCKING GOOO IM SO EXCITED i actually really like this game ngl

(fun fact: this episode alone took 103 drafts to liveblog, and i actually shortened the amount by combining some into a list. without the list, it's about 150 drafts lol)

WOLF SQUAD HOODIE 🗣🗣🗣 AND PINK TIPS 🗣🗣 BEST OUTFIT COMBO AROUND FR

bruh max is ALWAYS sleepin in the beginning of ep 3 lmao

the best part of max's dissociation is there is no way she could be 100% confident that she DIDN'T kill safi. even she is getting slightly convinced by the photo and its prolly bc she knows theres days she wakes up and she doesn't feel real; days she forgets completely. she will NEVER be certain she didn't kill safi bc she'll never know if she just forgot it and erased it from her memory.

oh um, ik i was just yapping abt dissociation but i just remembered that it could be a future version of max instead😭 so idk

if i had a nickel for every LiS game i've played where the main character is accused of murder and wears a wolf squad hoodie, i'd have 2 nickels.

highkey i forgot safi and vinh fucked. they're both so real ngl

LMFAO MY BROTHER SAID MAX IN THE PIC WITH THE GUN HAS A LEAD PAINT STARE

cheetos toes?? max?? girl??

AH EW ALDERMAN KYS I HATE U

max. the picture. girl. u forgot the picture.

why would u walk to open the door with very explicit evidence against you js chilling in plain eyesight u freak

love her "oh fuck" + the face she makes lol

YO WHAT THE FUCK??

WHAT

FUCK YOU DUDE

he mentioned arcadia bay?? holy shit

my fav draft in here is: "girl js eat the photo atp"

okay what was alderman even tryna do. piss max off??

her instant breakdown :( poor max

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

MAX PHOTO JUMPED AGAIN ??????

shes js hella rusty but damnnn omg

hey! so what the fuck was that.

why was the storm in the background?

was it a diff universe maybe?

istg it's like her nightmare never ended fr

also MAX IS STILL FINE AS HELLLLLLLL IN THAT STORM EVEN AFTER 9 YEARS daymn

omg :( her collapsing tryna use her powers

the music in this episode is so good btw

is this the first ep in DE where we get 'sits' back or did i just miss them all last time

now i love you max but yk DAMN WELL ur talking straight out of ur balls with that whole "disappearing" thing. we dont know if u vanish or not 😭

okay so luckily she DOES disappear. unluckily i have SO MANY COMMENTS now:

what abt the dozens of kids she vanished in front of last ep then? did they just not care? does this mean that when she time travelled she DID teleport around? and people js didn't say anything? hilarous 10/10

goddd this might be my favorite ep so far. the amount of references and stuff added is insane.

max's trauma peaking through ily

she's like edging a breakdown but thats not quite enough tbh. i need to see her js COLLAPSE. let her hit her lowest. suffer ♡

actually i think i just wanna see max have a super reasonable reaction to this chaos she lives through ngl

okay so i looked away to liveblog and when i looked back up a diff universe alderman was there?? and moses could see him??? huh??

obvi i saved him. max wouldnt let him die

"i could've saved him!!" "no, you couldn't have." OH MY GODDD

highkey, the random extras in this game fucking SUCK. why is one british. who tf is kim. why do i care abt changing "photo guy"'s grade. i miss the tiny cast in LiS 1

stupid ass game making me google words

quick shout out to my dad for playing the whole Yasmin scene for me. he didn't have to, he js insisted bc "i paided 85$ for this game; i wanna try it"

okay so i actually hate Living World! Vinh ngl

VICTORIA?? GIRL?? DAMN??

talking mad shit on my pink twt page man.

also max's glitchy hair in this is so interesting !!

i forgot in which world Vinh owes me a favor so i've decided to not use any favors ever 🤩

"my door is always open" sounds familar...

lucas is the only person to be like slightly consious of max wandering around his room lmao

yup lucas is supposed to be jeffershit coded

AHH direct jefferson mention 😰

yk what. i dislike the loading screens. why r they so often

safi :( no :( y r u so mad :(

OH MY GOD IT'S COURTNEY'S BDAY </3

MAX IS SO SAD AND LONELY I LOVE HER

i think at first these liveblogs were more detailed but now i just say words lowkey

dude shes like so sad rn its insane. ily girl

SMASH OR PASS LMAOOOOO:

pass moses, smash gwen, didnt even get a choice w amanda (i think thats fucking WEIRD btw; i'll elabrote in a min), pass lucas, Kiss vinh

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO ADD THAT SHE NEARLY CALLED CHLOE. BAE WAS SO UPSET SHE ALMOST CALLED HER OLD BAE

guys i make Max kiss Warren and Chloe is LiS and now i wanna do that again with Vinh and Amanda. #PolyamorousMaxineCanon

amanda's scene gets bisexual lighting okk

LETS THRASH SHAKABRAH !!!!!!!!!

okay so going back to the Amanda 'no choice' thing, at first I rejected her (bc the first interaction in the game with her is the game borderline shoved us onto her??) and now i've grown to kinda like her.

I like rhat she does listen to our boundaries and doesn't push on now but I feel like we missed alot of chances to learn more abt amanda bc of the romance being cut. Like i'm almost certain if I had chosen a romance with her we could have gotten a way better conversation from it.

anyways !! max almost crying :(

all lesbians like gwen bro

OH?? OKAY B&E

MY CAT?? IS MY CAT OKAY?? IRIS?? BABY??

this is the first time idk who coulda done this. i have so many guesses but i have zero clue fs.

I FOUND THE BABY DONT WORRY GUYS

poor sweetiepie is so scared :(

oh thats a lame reveal. its js another max

MUSIC SLAPS THO 🔥🔥🔥🔥

so im hearing that alderman was just a lil bitch

so the 'dopplegangers' are actually a shapeshifter??

THE SHAPESHIFTER IS SAFI????? WHAT??

okay i'm going straight into Episode 4 rn cuz i'm hooked but that was fire. it felt more like a Life Is Strange episode then the other 2 and yall know i LOVE characters showing any emotions ever lol

[digitalcockroach]

without getting into it i have a history of OSDD so every time i have a big dissociative episode im like "fuck am i gonna be another guy again?" lmfao

[meateater-rabbit]

im really doing so poorly right now. my health is absolutely trashed n when i try to sleep, sometimes my heart just starts beating out of my chest like its gonna explode and i start getting the sick shakes and get scared to sleep. plus i just cant breathe right ever, and my joints hurt all the time, and i have severe brain fog and keep dissociating. which is whats happening right now lmfao. had a real nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets and corn dogs, and now i feel like i may have made myself legitimately ill. they didnt heat up all the way and i didnt realize until i was already eatin and decided to just keep eating and fuck i regret it. i havr to fucking sleeo cause i gotta go to the dmv but i cant sleep cause my hearts goin nuts and im like violently shaking and im nauseous. FUCK. i cant be sick man, i have so much shit i have to do. fuck.

[firebuug]

HELLOO!! waving really really fast :] 4, 9 and 26 for the oc ask game mmmaybe?

HII looks at u with giant boba eyes. sorry this gets really long because u asked me a music related question. this is unavoidable

4. How did you find the name for a certain character?

god so a lot of my ocs come pre-named, like my lobcorp ocs (all randomly generated ingame) and some of my town of salem ocs (buggy comes from the firebug skin, skuggy is just...sk (serial killer) buggy....) but i think i can list some (slightly more) interesting ones :3

will (my g corp housefly limbus oc) comes from the author of the poem he comes from, william blake

maggie (one of the names of julian's boss) comes from maggot lol

adànor (my dnd character based off...adam lobcorp) was difficult because i was stressin like "uhhhghh how do you name an elven characterrrrrr" but i found this fun website and used it to come up with a first and last name! i chose the prefix Adàn because it's literally jsut the spanish way to say adam lol....also bcuz im hispanic and it sounds better than just a d a m .... used the suffix -or because it sounded nicest and elfy lol, it also means flower (just according to this little site) which is fun. his last name is caldeth which sounds epic but also means eternal faith which...fits his character lol. i pulled up a bunch of name meanings for adàn and used the one i liked most LMFAO so in the early days of the campaign (when he was still innocent.......and very egotistical lol) he'd introduce himself like "i am adànor caldeth, which means earth flower of undying faith . . " or some pretentious shit like that. it was pretty funny while it lasted

bierrab kaluk (my aaracokra dnd character, which is a giant bird) is literally just mangled up "birb" and "cluck" LOL. my friend fuzz helped me come up w this one and it stuck

5. What is one of your character’s theme songs?

GIGGLES....so this is difficult bc i have whole playlists for ocs rather than single songs, but i can definitely go through and pick out the songs that fit the most for them?

julian is hard because you kind of need the Whole playlist to get a gist of all of the multitudes he is made up of. man stuck in a time loop. man who is exhausted but keeps running anyways. man who cant stop thinking he is full of bugs and worms. man who is deeply in love with someone who keeps dying. but my friend showed me a few songs that really clicked so i can say that as of rn the most julie themes are for the departed and rule 21: momento mori :3

eva. grabs him so hard squeezes him SHAKES HIM AROUND SO HARD. his are piedmont by destroy boys (the autism. the alienation of being raised on one track his whole life isolated from normality (he was a nestie raised solely to work at a wing) and having nothing in common with anyone because all he was allowed to be was a success story. nostalgia for memories he's never had (time loops erased except for little bits and pieces from past abnormalities. he woke up one day knowing how to play perfect piano from la luna). blue. dissociation. eva song fr) and usseewa by ado (if youve listened to this song you know. corporate slave anger and rage. u get it). as a bonus his distortion themes r machine gun poem doll by cosMo-P and abnormality dancin girl by guchiry

adanor's is 100% cannibal by tally hall im so fucking normal about this i can't explain it completely but it fits in line with how his plot went and its. grips . GRIPSSSSS GRIPS he's haunted by his dead wife. to the point where he will undergo horrors and get actually ripped apart for her if its what she wants. he ends up getting manipulated by an evil entity disguising herself as his dead wife into sevrving her by doing exactly that. and he just believed it was her because she loves him and would do him no wrong. hiding in the corners disguised....he's really idolizing the blood moonstone and not his dead wife and he had no idea....until he finally opens his eyes later on but it's too late he's been consumed by what's manipulated him and it's left a permanent scar onto him he doesn't think he'll be able to redeem himself from.....grins so hard my teeth fall out

narae has hall of fame by jeff rosenstock. he has a specific brainrot that causes him to think everyone is out to get him and he needs to constantly be proving himself. he needs to be the one on top at all times etc etc he needs to be competitive until he dies

ummm bonus but. julipede's theme song is bug by kairiki bear teehee. i love how frantic and energetic it is but also u can Feel the paranoia radiating off of it. i love the silly double meaning it has for julipede because bug as in "disease / glitch / illness" ya but also BUG BC HES A BUG.......also i. cant pick apart the lyrics rn but. um. he's . Yeah

26. What’s your favorite relationship/dynamic between a set of OCs?

IDK IF YOU CAN TELL BUT IM A BIG FAN OF DUBIOUSLY ONE-SIDED FRIENDSHIPS. i love it when some guy is so sure he is this other guy's best friend but that other guy wants him to die so so so badly. and the other guy refuses to admit that the only reason he hasnt beat the other guy into a pulp is because that guy genuinely makes his life a little better. this is the julian + eva dynamic and it is also the dynamic between buggy and skuggy the alternate universe besties / twins . also the dynamic between salamander and narae...i just really like it ok.

[nightmaredxydreams]

theres no way i have this.

look, heres all the proof you need. im whining about not having DID lmao

who truly has DID and does that? no. body. thats all the proof you need

people who truly dissociate suffer from it. i dont. i love the numbness from my body that experiences so much discomfort (not even chronic pain not even pain like all other DID systems have just fucking discomfort, mostly caused by autism hypersensitivity) i love the feeling of being detached from my own flesh prison ugly undesirable embarassing body. i am fucking faking im prob psycho or sum shit lmaooo

i dont even dissociate that badly. other real DID and even OSDD systems be out here so dissociated they dont even fuckin know their name and feel like nothings real all the time. i never forget my name or personal information, i just forget what i just thought or zone out daydreaming or sum shit and say "whoops! i dissociated sorry" or if im lucky, have few seconds long derealization in little few day long episodes. i dont even fucking dissociate for real. definitely not enough to have DID

i never had severe trauma. i was too disabled and shielded. fuck, the disabilities i was born with prob mimic DID. brain damage to the hippocampus, a majorly affected part of the brain in DID put two and together lmao. who knows how psycho the brain damage made me. im autistic and intellectually disabled, all people with intellectual disability are perverts they get arrested for sex crimes more than other people lmfao ofc i was hypersexual at 3 there was no sexual abuse i am too ugly to be sexually abused or even desired ofc im faking being sexually abused to make me feel better about myself lmfaooo i just cant live with the fact i was born a worthless undesirable unfuckable ugly pervert

if i had DID i wouldnt fucking remember when i was 3 who tf u kiddin

im sensitive to yelling and the least little "threatening" tone or touch or even fucking hand signal. if i was really sexually abused id be triggered by sexual shit, not the least little thing like a trauma free scared little baby

if i had DID id switch out more, especially when triggered or in situations where it would help. idk if i even switch out, i prob js fall asleep, wake up and do shit in the early stages of waking up i dont remember. instead my alters are just back there and do nothing when im being retraumatized and i have to call out mentally loudly to get any alters to respond anymore. then just trying to communicate with them gives me a headache from hell. proof enough my alters are delusions and im some psycho. most of my "alters" are just vague faces with voices and not much of identity. most of them fade away. just like delusions.

i feel like im worthless unless i was sexually abused. my whole worth depends on it for some fucked up reason. i will get defensive toward the two people i live with who say it didnt happen, they arent honest all the time but when they say theres no chance it happened bc i was too shielded even tho i have memories of being alone w him (no abuse memories bc fuck no) i believe it and feel iffy when i even wonder if i was sexually abused. when i think about any other form of abuse i suffered or trauma i have, i feel like that means i wasnt sexually abused. i have no memories of it, i never did until someone pointed out that my hypersexuality at 3 was a sign of sexual abuse so i went diving for the memories myself. then what i got were a few random half ass flashbacks to the sexual abuse. if i was really sexually abused i wouldve had flashbacks to it waaay before i made myself remember. everyone else with ptsd, did osdd etc does

other people with DID feel broken and suffer because of their trauma. they remember it somehow and suffer from the effects of it. i just suffer from wanting to have the trauma to be valid, not knowing if the trauma happened and having things trauma victims have but no memories of the trauma. the only flashbacks i have are to things i deserve, things that other people would agree i deserve and arent anywhere near as traumatizing as it can get for a real sexual abuse survivor. things that dont cause DID and rarely cause ptsd. i have cringe ass trauma. i dont have valid trauma.

i dont really have DID and i wasnt sexually abused. i just held onto the idea as an excuse for me being a worthless, born broken, jealous, delusional psycho pervert who will never amount to anything, never matter enough to get a job, marry or have a family, never mattered enough to be smart or do normal kid things because of my disabilities, never got to be cool and wont be, am trying to be cool and matter when i never will, am so ugly my body doesnt deserve love and sure as fuck wasnt sexually desired as a little kid how fucking sick of me to even want that to matter, and dont matter because of my disabilities. im sorry for faking it all. no wonder my denial was so strong, it was never real anyway. now im gonna do some major fucking harm to my ugly waste of space and resources body and kill myself. im fucking sick and tired of living in hell from my own brain torturing me saying im worthless and not valid and more i cant say here. good fucking bye.

[sinbrook]

Who is the muscluar big guy from trigun that I keep seeing?

BLESS BLESS BLESS thank you for asking me about Trigun!!

So I think you probably mean Livio?

Livio and Razlo are my BOYS man, they're my guys. OUGH.

Usually I am Not A Fan of characters being added to the main cast super late in the game, but I think him being introduced a little earlier as a villain superrrr helped me accept him as Part of The Gang. Ya know? He's one of my favourite characters and I just adore him. That being said, it's really hard to talk about him without spoilers. Like, really hard. Actually Trigun is hard to talk about without spoilers! So I'm gonna shove this long ramble nobody is gonna read, under a read more. I'm a kind soul, I'm protecting your dash.

Also total warning, this isn't like... legible, this is the worse way to learn about the character cos im just going "wow it was cool when he did this thing... and also this thing... hes so cool i love him" for too many words.

So I'll address his main sort of... thing, first off. So Livio has dissociative identity disorder, and like, for a lot of it, it's quite clear that Nightow didn't exactly go in with a heap of research on the subject. However, I wouldn't call it a negative portrayal at all. Ofc its not really up to me, but like, he wasn't really portrayed as dangerous because of his disorder. He and Wolfwood have the same backstory, they're dangerous because of The Eye of Michael and those dudes have always been explicitly condemned in-narrative as, y'know, the baddies. It's less "he's bad because he's bad" and more "he does these things because he's been conditioned by a cult from a young age to do these things". His disorder is like... not even a factor. The Eye just likes stealing kids and training them for bad stuff, man. And like, you do feel sorry for them. Both Livio and Razlo have been hugely manipulated by Chapel in particular, who positioned himself almost as a father figure, and certainly led them to believe he cares about them. So like, it's not really surprising he does everything he's asked to, he hasn't really had anywhere else he's felt cared for. Anyway I LOVE Livio's intro in the manga. We're told two guys are coming, Livio the Double Fang, and The Tri-p of Death.

Then these two dudes show up:

And like... you make the obvious assumption that those are the guys, ya know? Sure looks double-fangy to me. They're then shown tearing through a bunch of intimidating looking dudes to sort of, hype up how strong they are, right? But nuh cos see.

Livio just comes in and wrecks their shit, picks them both off as though they were nothing.

and to be fair, they are! He's a very high-level eye of Michael dude ya know?

So yeah, that's our introduction to Livio, fantastic way to show that he's just, like, strong as hell. We learn he's joining the Gung-ho Guns, so y'know, oof, he's now in direct opposition to our heroes, supposed to make you nervous and all. Anyway he and Chapel show up every now and then to just be... y'know... annoying. Try and kill him a lil y'know... that sort of thing.

It's these fucked up family reunions that we love ya know. This is totally me at Christmas.

Anyway this time was rlly funny because Elendira rlly said "you three are so annoying pls leave your drama at the door"

And they DID hahaha. I don't blame them, she's scawy.

Anyway what I think I like most about Livio is how like... y'know, sweet he is. He's kinda like Wolfwood in that he's a total sweetheart at his core but life just hasn't let him be sweet, ya know?

When Jasmine was in trouble, baby Wolfwood didn't even hesitate to run out and save her.

And Livio was the same, you know? And after The Couch, Livio even says, he wants to live his life like Wolfwood so like, we've got these two dudes with near identical journeys.

From orphans, to initiates, to assassins, to good guy with a gun lmfao. Despite what Livio does, it's really hard to ever hate him, and Razlo, too is extremely sympathetic...

Like he's got his own motivations and shit he's working through, man.

Anyway I really love during the Elendira fight when hes like, struggling to beat her, how Razlo gives Livio his own sort of hype man experience like the manga flashes back to how hard Livio worked to keep up with Razlo and the Eye, and Razlo is like hyping him up the whole time. It's really nice and wholesome :)

Anyway his journey from emo cult man to himbo cowboy was fantastic and I love Livio so much, he's a sweetheart.

And I loved his appearance at the end of the manga, like, showing he was looking after the orphanage and stuff.

And also this whole scene where he and Vash ate together made me cry.

[kinki-cami]

Nah sonic final boss music got me feeling like super sonic/team super sonic and super shadow could beat the shit out of the affini

I mean da faq they gunna do against chaos control, both sonic and shadow can do it (see sonic 06) and sonic already killed a fucking giant spaceship oh AND A BEING WHO LITERALLY EATED TIME and Sonic Robot Cthulu God (metal overlord)

Oh i almost forgot: chaos god too (Perfect Chaos) speaking of all of those bosses cpuld probably defeat the affini too (except maybe The End) i mean Neo Metal: shapeshift to hide as an affini, then Assimilate their ship into your form as metal overlord, Time Eater Eated time, need i say more (and is also mostly clockwork and phantasm so theres not really programming to corrupt) and giant Antideluvian Chaos God who literally created the term 'antideluvian' and is made purely of water: unless they have a death star, they aint killing perfect Chaos

Im sorry Open yoyr heart got stuck in my head and it got me thinkin

No inwont tag this bc this was simply me being autistic and i will be heavily embarrassed if anyone actually finds and reads this, oh and no tags means not even "my post" tags

I swear if you read this far just kill me stg (this is a joke) but hey umm that means your in the less than 1% who like me ranting for no reason interesting so umm yeah, havent had that happen, mostly due to people irl not liking me too much and not having a way to deal with my depression, hey you know what since you did heres a secret: i tried to off myself once, i failed tho uhh and my brains favorite dissociation technique is being so hyperaware of the situation it hurts, ive only dissociated properly once and that was when i made popcorn and just wanted some for myself but mother wanted some and i was already depressed and i didnt wanna go througb the effort of using thebpopcorn machine so i wanted to make it on the stove but because mother said the stove popcorn was gross and i HAD to make it i had to use the popcorn machine and i just sorta... broke like everything went numb and i couldnt feel amd everything felt so distant the worst part was i had a "therapist" (doctors were saying i hate eating when that was a lie so they had me in this therapy to try to get me tl eat more or something but she, i dont think gave a shit bc she was apparently getting paid minimum wage) and when i told her abojt it, mind you last time i said ibwas read a philosophy book, i told her yeah the other day nothing felt real, and she responded with, ah you doing some more philosophy again nice, and yeah so fuck that uhh no one will ever read this lmfao soo yeah uhh cheers peoples in my head

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

i am having a moment where i want a lot of people to die because i actually think they deserve that. i am trying not to think about it because it's just pissing me off that some people get to just live without experiencing any consequences for their actions. i know that what's probably going on with me is that i'm having a lot of built up hurt and now i'm projecting everything onto people who aren't actually *that bad* (fucking hurts to write lol i think they should die, but i'm trying to be dialectic here and not a spiteful little bitch lmfao)

i'm a trauma holder and a protector. my go-to stress response is fight. i think i need to find a good way to let off some steam without it overwhelming me. rn i'm trying writing ig. i need to learn how to process feelings so we don't dissociate and fragment even more

rn i'm trying to not indulge in homicidal ideation. i'm trying to not think about any specific people so i don't start obsessing over someone i might feel mad at rn. idk if this is just a DID thing or if we actually do have some PD after all, but man this brain is broken

i just feel trapped and like im getting treated like shit and that i want to let the world know they can't do that to me or other people i care about! i guess i will try to just go tf to bed because it's past 2 am now. but idk i'm trying to write some more shit down because it helps me reflect on shit and also helps being able to look back on later

anyway, i'm not a danger to anyone - including myself. i'm actually doing pretty well, which is why i can write this down lol. idk i'm gonna post my rambles to the void ig