#this is just rambling this is NOT coherent at all

[xoxochb]

omg aphrodite!reader having her first kiss with percy <3 it would be so cute rahhh

— ribbons in your hair ꣑ৎ‧₊˚.

warnings: fluff fluff fluff!!! pairing: lovesick! percy jackson x daughter of aphrodite

“do you like ‘em?”

you smile brightly and turn around with a jump, revealing to percy your two braided strands tied at the ends with tiny pink ribbons. what kind of question was that, though? like them? of course he liked them! he liked anything that had anything even slightly to do with you.

“they’re great! I love them.”

you squeal and run over to sit atop your bed next to percy. absentmindedly, he takes this opportunity to take each of your braids between his palms delicately thumbs running over the curves of your hair, and ending over the ribbon tying it all together. he silently hopes you can’t see the utter adoration in his eyes or perhaps the faint blush coating his cheeks or the way he feels completely limp simply sitting beside you.

“(name)…” he murmurs, releasing your hair and letting his hands now fall on his lap.

“yes?”

shit. the soft tone of your voice makes him feel weak. thank the gods he’s sitting down.

“uhm…” he searches for the right words. no. he shouldn’t do this now, not when one of your siblings could walk in at any moment (and he new drew wasn’t entirely the nicest person either. that girl’s scary as shit). “nothing.”

you murmur an ‘oh’ and your smile falls into a frown.

“sorry, I just- well… it was nothing important, I didn’t think you’d care much.”

“I care about everything you have to say. even if it’s stupid. or one of your stupid dad jokes.” your lips turn upwards a tad at the mere remembrance of his idiotic humor.

“you hate dad jokes.”

“well, yours are okay.”

percy’s heart flutters like butterfly wings. please aphrodite don’t make me look stupid, he thinks to himself. though by now he’s probably already made a fool of himself. he’s hopeless. slowly, with a shaky hand, he reaches out to gently take one of your hands into his. he looks up to meet your eyes to look for any sign of discomfort with the action. he finds nothing.

“(name), have you ever…” he swallows harshly. “have you ever kissed anyone before?”

your brows furrow and you murmur, “no.”

oh. he was sure you had to have kissed someone before. you were… well, you! a favored daughter of aphrodite, kind, absolutely stunning, and admittedly a little horrifying sometimes. he loved you all the same regardless.

“I’ve never kissed anyone either.” it’s silent for a moment before he works up the courage to ask the next question. “would you maybe want to… well actually- can I tell you something?”

“of course.”

“this might be weird and I’ll understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore or if you’ll hate me… but I just… I really like you. more than friends. and I get this is weird but I really like you, it hurts, like in my chest it physically hurts me and it’s hard going everyday not telling you that I love you when I do and its almost unbearable at this point, I mean you occupy all my thoughts everything’s always about you, and don’t get cocky over that because I know you will and you’ll never let me get over telling you that but really what I’m trying to say is that—”

his ramble is abruptly ended when he feels a sudden warmth over his lips. for a moment he can’t understand what’s happening, but when his senses are regained he realizes it’s your lips that are locked with his, and his brain turns to soup, any coherent thought he once had diminished. and he lets himself sink into it despite the nervous storm of butterflies in his tummy.

when you eventually pull away he nearly whines at the loss of contact. though he remembers your hands are still entwined and calms. his gaze sticks on that.

“you talk too much,” you whisper. “and you’re right.”

“about what?” percy looks up to your eyes. though the mischievous glint in them makes him wish he hadn’t asked for clarification.

“I am so never going to let you forget that everything is about me.”

[thisusedtobeafanpage]

Now that I've made my sane post about arcane I can rage and go insane in this one

obviously not spoiler free, and don't expect any coherent thoughts over here, I'm mostly gonna scream and ramble

dude. DUDE. jayce and viktor. holy fucking shit. oh my god. I dont even know what to say. their whole story is insane and making me lose my mind. Jayce saw all that happened if viktor went through with everything, and with ekko's help from breaking viktor out of it, HE MANAGED TO CONVINCE HIM TO STOP IT ALL. AND THEY DID. TOGETHER. GOD.

and since I've mentioned ekko I'm gonna go ramble about him now- he saved everyone, without him they would ALL be gone, and he could've died trying too like??? he wasn't playing

I paused the show for idk how long when he went over the 4 seconds, cause if he died not only would everything be fucked, but also I would've been torn to pieces.

but yeah ekko the man that you are I love you and im glad you at LEAST got to experience what could've been. specially with powder 😭😭😭

now - JINX DIED??? I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT. WHY CANT SHE EVER BE HAPPY. AND SHE DIDN'T JUST DIE - SHE KILLED HERSELF, AND SHE WOULD'VE DONE THAT EARLIER IF EKKO DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME THINGY. I AM ILL.

despite that it might seem that I am mad at the ending they gave jinx, as I mentioned in my sane post, I am absolutely not. A bitter ending made perfect sense given the story and the tone of the show, and while in a perfect world this isn't how it would've gone, this incredibly depressing one seems sadly very fitting.

BUT FEELING LIKE THAT WILL NOT STOP ME FROM CRYING AND RAGING ABOUT IT.

[darcytaylor]

A Few Hot-Takes In My Drafts....

If you've been around here for a while, you probably know I enjoy rambling in my posts and responses. But what you don't know is that I’ve got a few drafts lurking in the background that never made it to the public eye. Some are a little too much, others I’m just unsure about, and then there are a couple that might actually see the light of day.

I’ve been browsing through them, and two in particular caught my eye: one’s titled “Why I Didn’t Mind the Brothel Scenes in Bridgerton Season 3 - Hot Take,” and the other is “On Relationships, and Why I Can't Say for Sure Who’s Together (N,L,A,J).”

Sometimes, you just need to let things simmer, right? Writing things out helps get things off my chest, and then maybe I can put something together that’s a bit more polished - and a bit more coherent. I may throw them out on a rainy day - guess you’ll have to check Toronto’s weather forecast to see when that happens!

Stay tuned, and as always, I appreciate you all for sticking around to hear the ramblings I put out!

[sinbrook]

Who is the muscluar big guy from trigun that I keep seeing?

BLESS BLESS BLESS thank you for asking me about Trigun!!

So I think you probably mean Livio?

Livio and Razlo are my BOYS man, they're my guys. OUGH.

Usually I am Not A Fan of characters being added to the main cast super late in the game, but I think him being introduced a little earlier as a villain superrrr helped me accept him as Part of The Gang. Ya know? He's one of my favourite characters and I just adore him. That being said, it's really hard to talk about him without spoilers. Like, really hard. Actually Trigun is hard to talk about without spoilers! So I'm gonna shove this long ramble nobody is gonna read, under a read more. I'm a kind soul, I'm protecting your dash.

Also total warning, this isn't like... legible, this is the worse way to learn about the character cos im just going "wow it was cool when he did this thing... and also this thing... hes so cool i love him" for too many words.

So I'll address his main sort of... thing, first off. So Livio has dissociative identity disorder, and like, for a lot of it, it's quite clear that Nightow didn't exactly go in with a heap of research on the subject. However, I wouldn't call it a negative portrayal at all. Ofc its not really up to me, but like, he wasn't really portrayed as dangerous because of his disorder. He and Wolfwood have the same backstory, they're dangerous because of The Eye of Michael and those dudes have always been explicitly condemned in-narrative as, y'know, the baddies. It's less "he's bad because he's bad" and more "he does these things because he's been conditioned by a cult from a young age to do these things". His disorder is like... not even a factor. The Eye just likes stealing kids and training them for bad stuff, man. And like, you do feel sorry for them. Both Livio and Razlo have been hugely manipulated by Chapel in particular, who positioned himself almost as a father figure, and certainly led them to believe he cares about them. So like, it's not really surprising he does everything he's asked to, he hasn't really had anywhere else he's felt cared for. Anyway I LOVE Livio's intro in the manga. We're told two guys are coming, Livio the Double Fang, and The Tri-p of Death.

Then these two dudes show up:

And like... you make the obvious assumption that those are the guys, ya know? Sure looks double-fangy to me. They're then shown tearing through a bunch of intimidating looking dudes to sort of, hype up how strong they are, right? But nuh cos see.

Livio just comes in and wrecks their shit, picks them both off as though they were nothing.

and to be fair, they are! He's a very high-level eye of Michael dude ya know?

So yeah, that's our introduction to Livio, fantastic way to show that he's just, like, strong as hell. We learn he's joining the Gung-ho Guns, so y'know, oof, he's now in direct opposition to our heroes, supposed to make you nervous and all. Anyway he and Chapel show up every now and then to just be... y'know... annoying. Try and kill him a lil y'know... that sort of thing.

It's these fucked up family reunions that we love ya know. This is totally me at Christmas.

Anyway this time was rlly funny because Elendira rlly said "you three are so annoying pls leave your drama at the door"

And they DID hahaha. I don't blame them, she's scawy.

Anyway what I think I like most about Livio is how like... y'know, sweet he is. He's kinda like Wolfwood in that he's a total sweetheart at his core but life just hasn't let him be sweet, ya know?

When Jasmine was in trouble, baby Wolfwood didn't even hesitate to run out and save her.

And Livio was the same, you know? And after The Couch, Livio even says, he wants to live his life like Wolfwood so like, we've got these two dudes with near identical journeys.

From orphans, to initiates, to assassins, to good guy with a gun lmfao. Despite what Livio does, it's really hard to ever hate him, and Razlo, too is extremely sympathetic...

Like he's got his own motivations and shit he's working through, man.

Anyway I really love during the Elendira fight when hes like, struggling to beat her, how Razlo gives Livio his own sort of hype man experience like the manga flashes back to how hard Livio worked to keep up with Razlo and the Eye, and Razlo is like hyping him up the whole time. It's really nice and wholesome :)

Anyway his journey from emo cult man to himbo cowboy was fantastic and I love Livio so much, he's a sweetheart.

And I loved his appearance at the end of the manga, like, showing he was looking after the orphanage and stuff.

And also this whole scene where he and Vash ate together made me cry.

[livingincolorsagain]

i can’t stop thinking about the pictures on buck’s fridge. because he already had them. he always had them. he was keeping them hidden somewhere in his loft. in a drawer. in a box. away from everyone else to see. and now they’re on the fridge. in the kitchen. because love is stored in the kitchen. because that’s where he baked with christopher. that’s where he came out to eddie. that’s where he perfected the lasagna recipe for them. that’s where they sat down and joked and ate and were a family. christopher is gone, we don’t even know if he’s talking to buck, we definitely know he’s barely talking to eddie, and buck misses him so much he took out the hidden pictures and put them up on the fridge for everyone to see. for him to see. for eddie to see. for christopher to see, when he comes home.

love is stored in the kitchen, and it’s the pictures on the fridge.

[toothlespoggers]

U don’t understand. He’s a Nindroid. He has a soul. He has ice powers. He’s TRAUMATISED. He does not value his own life. He is borderline suicidal. He is SOFT. And he loves people too much. But OUgh he’s actually a little fucked up even tho he’s calm and calculated Caus he toucheda forbidden stick and it made voices in his head and then he was like a genocidal murderer for like 60 years and he had no memory of anything and then he was dragged out of that situation and nobody even asked if he was ok and he never questioned that because he’s lived his whole life with the expectation that he’s fine and he’s got everything under control and he doesn’t even know what mental health awareness is because no one ever talked to him about it because no one ever asked if he was okay, not physically but mentally. Because even if people cared no one ever thought he was not okay, and so Zane never thought he was not okay so he’s lived his life for probably a hundred years or so by now, always moving forward and never addressing his problems or traumas or demons, which is DESTROYING HIM, from the inside out. He has absolutely NO SELF WORTH. His entire existence is based around his role as a ninja, he has been trained from when he was a “teenager” that his worth is based around his ability to preform, that the most important thing is to save lives and the world and stuff. Which it is but like he’s never been allowed to do anything else and on the rare occasions he and his friends relax they immediately get scolded and told to keep fighting. He’s never had a sick day. He literally sacrificed himself to save the world. He rebuilt himself, and immediately the next opportunity he gets, he sacrifices himself again, and he tries to do that over and over and over again because that’s his job he states that he is expendable! He says that multiple times. He always volunteers to take the hits because his view on his humanity his person hood is so WARPED, that he believes he has less value than a human. That he is a TOOL. To be used by those around him because people sure, they’ve treated him with kindness on many levels but it’s kind of shallow when they never care enough to prevent him from getting hurt, they use him, he almost dies, they fix him and then put him back into the line of fire. His entire worldview is based on fighting.

The only person. Who has ever asked if he is okay and treated him like a human being. Is a STUPID GOSH I LOVE HIM BUT JES SO DUMB. FROG MAN and Zane is SO NOT USED TO IT that he has to repeatedly inform. This man. That he is in fact. A robot. Because he expects that to change the way people interact with him. He’s a machine, he doesn’t need a break, he’s built to serve a purpose. But frog man, does not listen.

Frog man is kind, frog man is good.

FROHICKY TRIES TO PLEASE ZANE SO MUCH THAT HE GIVES ZANE A FROHICKY PLUSHIE. SO THAT ZANE CAN VENT HIS FRUSTRATIONS AT THE PLUSHIE. SO THAT HE WILL FEEL BETTER. AND ZANE SAYS “I do not experience heightened emotions.” see see this this proves one of my points urghhhguugh FROFFS BARKS GROWLS HE DOES. WE ALL KNOW HE DOES, ANY NINJAGO FAN WITH EYES CAN SEE THAT ZANE EXPERIENCES HEIGHTENED EMOTIONS. HE JUST KEEPS FUCKING LYING TO HIMSELF AND OTHERS BECAUSE HES GOT THIS ROBOT MINDSET EVER SINCE SEASON 3 HES JUST BEEN ENTIRELY CONSUMED BY THE IDEA THAT HE ISNT HUMAN AND SO HE HAS TO BE DEFINED BY THAT IDEA. He has so many inconsistencies all relating to this weird brain he has this weird weird robot brain it’s SO INTERESTING. I WILL BE GATHERING INFORMATION AND I WILL BE MAKING A FULLY RESEARCHED FULLY COHERENT RANT ABOUT ZANE IN THE FUTURE. BUT RIGHT NOW I HAVE OTHER STUFF TODO BUT URGHH THIS CHARACTER MY BRAIN IS TINGLING SO MUCH URGHH

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

"If PD-MDZS drew He Xuan, would he be a Man or a Fish?"

[chronicowboy]

god the start of season 4 when agravaine is shamelessly manipulating arthur, trying to craft him into uther so he's more justified in his hatred of him, trying to isolate arthur from the people he cares about because its not proper or a sign of strength, and the fact that it works !! or it should, it almost does, but agravaine didn't account for merlin. merlin who isn't just a manservant, isn't just a kinda-sorta friend, isn't just an informal advisor, but is arthur's main pillar of support and council, merlin who would never let arthur lock himself away all alone, merlin who pushes arthur to the fucking limit and suffers his rages and his insults just so that arthur knows there's someone there. yeah, fuck, its all well and good that merlin's willing to die for him, but idk for me its the smaller acts of unwavering devotion that make merthur so fucking good.

[secriden]

love sea episode 2 rewatch thoughts:

in hindsight, this opening should've clued us in that this episode was going to be horny as fuck.

ok so if episode 1 was about establishing mahasamut, i think the purpose of episode 2 is really to give us a much more nuanced introduction to tongrak. what's fascinating is that the show chooses to impart this insight to us through a rather unusual medium: sex (and, specifically, tongrak's attitude about sex).

we open with kinky kinky beach sex and it tells us that tongrak is impulsive, hedonistic, and tends to give into the emotions of the moment (something that, as the series develops, he does with increasingly self-sabotaging results; eg. when he lashes out at mahasamut after the 1st run in with prin or when he runs off to appease jak when he gets fearful in episode 9).

it also tells us that tongrak is very comfortable with his physical wants and needs. sure, mahasamut kinda flusters him because he awakens desires that are more intense than he's is used to, but tongrak's still grounded enough in his sense of self that he can roll with it pretty quickly and becomes an active, willing, even enthusiastic participant. (it's not going to be his physical desire that drives a wedge between them; its going to be the emotional connection that ends up being terrifying to tongrak.)

this episode also lays a ton of groundwork to set up why and how intensely mahasamut and tongrak are drawn to each other.

a lot of it, early on, is purely physical.

mahasamut and tongrak clock that they're compatible in their (D/s) kink immediately and they embrace this with gleeful abandonment. other people have made this point a lot more clearly than i could ever hope to (see @williamrikers excellent analysis of mutrak's kink dynamic), so i won't belabour the point, but i would like to point out how thoroughly the show wants the audience to know that these two are a perfect match physically and sexually (specifically with their particular kinks) and that they are incredibly comfortable with that.

(an aside: one thing i adore about peat's portrayal of tongrak's submissiveness in the beach scene is the way he starts out being the initiator in the kiss - in the gif above, it's tongrak that grabs mahasamut and yanks him into the kiss at first - but once its clear that mahasamut is on board, tongrak is almost constantly angled up, head tipped back, responding to mahasamut's cues but making no attempt to direct whats happening. there's so much surrender in the pliant way peat holds himself as they kiss and the way he goes from pulling mahasamut into the kiss to just clinging to his torso as he lets mahasamut take control. even when he reaches for mahasamut's dick, the second mahasamut pins him down and gives him an instruction, tongrak makes no attempt to redirect and just goes with what mahasamut wants. there's just such great detail in this portrayal of surrender.)

but what makes this encounter different (from the many, many other ones they've both had) is going to be how neither of them were able to keep this connection as purely physical for very long. (this is what episode 3 is for, though, so lets put a pin in that thought.)

back to insights into tongrak's character: we also get an escalation/confirmation about how tongrak views sex (and relationships) as purely transactional. tongrak's entire backstory is grounded in the idea that 'everybody has a price' because that's what his parents showed him. to tongrak, every human interaction is about finding the right things to give (usually money in his case) to get what he wants and this has allowed him to rationalise that feelings and emotions (both his own/the other person's) don't matter.

tongrak firmly believes that as long as he's offering something of sufficient (monetary) value, he's perfectly within rights to demand what he wants without consulting mahasamut's feelings, wants, or thoughts about the matter. in fact, he thinks of mahasamut as kind of an object for his sexual gratification and/or convenience. this is why he feels no remorse about kicking mahasamut out after they have sex even though mahasamut clearly wants to cuddle/come down from the physical high together. the next morning, it never pings to him that he should be guilty about how he treated mahasamut.

(look at his face. he's such an entitled diva. i love him so much.)

not only is this attitude - in reality - a very inaccurate way to view human beings (because as a species we are creatures very much led by our emotions), but it is the source of tongrak's own dissatisfaction and unhappiness. he never acknowledges any of his own emotional needs and so cannot manage or address them in a meaningful or healthy way.

so to summarise tongrak understands and is comfortable with his physical desires but does not know how to even acknowledge his emotional ones whilst impulsively being led by them in the heat of the moment: already we can see that this is a recipe for disaster and tells an unspoken story of pain and trauma.

(i also want to mention how well mahasamut continues to respond to tongrak's specific brand of caustic entitlement. he doesn't bother making a big deal about tongrak throwing money at him, but he also never names a price for his 'services' either. he blatantly refers to tongrak as his "owner" but also makes it clear that it's not tongrak's money that's keeping him around, but rather mahasamut's own desire for tongrak. it's like he'll act in tongrak's play but he won't quite stick to the script either. its so, so effective because he doesn't trigger tongrak's fight or flight response but he's still undermining and proving tongrak's assumptions wrong at every turn. this is what allows mahasamut to worm his way behind tongrak's walls whilst simultaneously chipping away at them.)

one last little bit of (this time non-sex-adjacent) insight into tongrak: he has a great capacity for compassion. (which will, eventually, turn into love.)

mahasamut, at this point, is mostly just an incredible lay to tongrak. but already he shows care and concern for mahasamut that's separate from what he can offer tongrak. he's concerned at a (relatively minor) hint that mahasamut has been mistreated in the past and then again concerned that mahasamut will suffer the repercussions of any hit to his reputation. [note: this is informed by a backstory regarding homophobia on the island that's from Khom/Connor's story in Love Sand, but even without that insight we can see tongrak's concern is for mahasamut.] (again, this is something the show is setting up to callback to later when tongrak gets offended on mahasamut's behalf when he thinks the waiter made fun of mahasamut.)

these little glimpses give us such a contrasting perspective on tongrak compared to episode 1, where he was mostly just a rich, entitled, and fairly unlikable character. we're being shown that what we've seen so far is really a mask as tongrak's true character slowly starts bleeding through as he has more interactions with mahasamut.

and then the episode closes on heartbreak: You're aware aren't you? Love is just a figment of our imagination.

tongrak's expression right before he says this is filled with resignation and disappointment. he hates that he has to say it but he feels its his duty to burst mahasamut's bubble. he genuinely believes this and so to him he's just doing mahasamut a favour by telling him a Truth about life. for us, this is the final crack in the mask and we see just how lost and fragile and hurt tongrak truly is.

(and the way peat sells this part - the cold almost clinical look in his eyes when he says the line. the tiny pout of his lips like tongrak can't help but feel sad about it, even though he accepts it as reality. the cold, flat tone peat uses to deliver the line when tongrak's usually quite expressive and uses lots of inflections and intonations in his speech. ugh <3)

but this is also really important because this is why we, the audience, start to care about tongrak. mame takes us on this journey, sets us up to wonder why tongrak's the main character when he starts out kinda of awful and then shifts the ground out from under us by showing us his soft, wounded underbelly. we can't help but want him to be loved, now, and this is why we become invested in 'tongrak mahasamut'.

[maflufla]

I just finished rereading LN 3 of the apothecary diaries and I need to ramble for a bit

One of the things that is clear and emphasized a lot in the these initial volumes is how much maomao is scared of accidentally committing an infraction unknowingly and been punished (killed) because of this. That is her reasoning behind wanting clear limits and direct orders, as in her narration she mentions multiple times that that makes her life easier.

Even in situations where the people in higher station are clearly showing signs of affection towards her (I'm thinking about when the emperor pats her head in the labyrinth-shrine), she has her guard up and is still very aware of the image she presents as to not "accidentally offend a noble and get killed".

And then we get at the end of volume 3, where the hunting trip offers more proof than ever that Jinshi is much more important and high up in the chain than she had previously thought, and that the whole situation is VERY messy. And she is obviously resentful and stressed for being dragged into this, because the undeniable truth is that she is the one that stands to lose the most. But still, when Jinshi offers her the ox bezoar she then SHUTS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE and it's such a funny and very maomao way of showing that she is a little bit closer to him and can let her guard down enough to let her excitement for pharmaceutical ingredients consume her necessity to maintain propriety (lest she gets beheaded for being accidentally rude as she always thinks????).

She knows that her own feelings about people are not something she is very in tune with (she knows how she feels about her dad and maybe her sistersand thats about how much she recognizes), so we the readers are not going to get a direct declaration from maomao about how she feels about jinshi. I like then that we get progressive and subtle glimpses of how she starts to let her guard down and feel more at ease in jinshis presence, that she becomes a little bit more rude, outspoken, direct with her observations and conclusions in her investigations. We get to see her talk more and narrate less, and I find it such clever and subtle way to show that she is warming up to him.

[jamandjazz]

I've been thinking a lot about Steve lately. I really like thinking about how situations and family dynamics shape people. These quotes specifically, "and Steve— his hatred for his father coming out in his soft, bitter voice and the violence of his temper" and "We never could tell who we'd find stretched out on the sofa in the morning. It was usually Steve, whose father told him about once a week to get out and never come back."

And I know how strange it feels to have parents that are shitty but give you a lot of things materially. He has a car and gets a lot of pity money but his dad never does anything but try to push him to the side and forget about him. There's nothing canon that shows his Dad physically abuses him in any way so there's a good chance he told himself to just be grateful he got so much and his dad wasn't 'that bad.' He's resentful and angry and impulsive and so damn complex and we should talk about that more.

"I thought of Soda and Steve. What if one of them saw the other killed? Would that make them stop fighting? No, I thought, maybe it would make Soda stop, but not Steve. He'd go on hating and fighting," Steve is described as hateful and angry but what else is there for him to do? He can't just leave, he's too attached to where he is but staying isn't good either.

He's mad at the world he was born into, who wouldn't be? Greasers get all the rough breaks but he can't fix that, he's just one kid. (Also he definitely feels like a character that thrives off of being able to fix things, cars, problems, anything that he deems needing 'fixing')

And despite his temper being a big part of his personality that's not all of it. He's friends with Soda, and likes to indulge him. He's got a dry sense of humor and cares so much about anyone that cares for him back. He's protective he's caring and sure sometimes that means he gets violent and angry but that's a lot of what he knows, he's so so so much more than just someone that's just mad all the time despite the fact that that's what he gets boiled down to a lot. In the fandom and in the book, honestly I think that's why he's so close to Soda.

Soda's good at seeing past that sort of thing, he's good and understanding and when your whole life everyone just dismissed you as the kid that was always mad for no reason that's so fucking refreshing. Being seen as more than just your flaws helps you feel human. Helps you remember you deserve just as much care and affection as anyone else, and seeing how the Curtis's treated their kids was honestly probably where a lot of the resentment for his dad started building up.

Anyways this is super long but basically Steve's super complex and I love him.

[applestorms]

ok, well. if last time i talked about parallels between near & light, i guess it’s only fair that this time i talk about parallels between mello & misa. yap central on this blog lately.

the main thing that stands out the most about mello & misa, and the reason why i will forever Defend them and their place in the story, is that in my mind they both function in a similar way on a narrative level: namely, both of them are incredibly active wild-card characters that keep the action going and the story moving forward when the other main characters like light, L, & near start getting too passive.

notably, while i often see this trait praised in mello, usually in the context of a comparative criticism of near for his overly-abundant passivity, i have also seen it used as a criticism of misa's character, that she breaks up the status quo of DN too significantly and thereby makes the story feel less realistic. this last point in particular is an odd argument to make imo, as if anything misa's presence only increases the realism of DN by adding some extra luck/random chance into the story in a way that is ultimately still character-motivated and thus easier for the audience to go along with-- something DN in general is very good at, often introducing elements through pure chance but keeping them grounded in characters enough that you almost don't even notice.

take light meeting naomi misora, for example: the only reason he runs across her at all is because he offers to run an errand for his mom on a bored laundry day, literally stumbling across her right at the exact moment she is divulging important insights she is literally the only person capable of making about kira. yet this moment does not stand out as particularly aggravating or out of place in the story, as ultimately the only reason why light is able to get out of that situation is his own quick thinking and ability to calm himself while under immense pressure, squeezing his way out of a potentially run-ending situation he didn't even know existed moments prior.

(not a fan of that big joel video, if you couldn't tell. lmao.)

point is, mello & misa both fulfill about the same narrative function in the story by being so aggressive in their actions, catching the others off guard even if their plans aren't as well thought out or careful as they could otherwise be. they're both incredibly passionate, dedicated characters as well, tough enough to take the hit when it inevitably comes, and in my opinion neither of them are nearly as stupid as the other MCs like to make them out to be. to some degree, i think both of them are aware of the fact that they can't win at the Mind Game Cold War Bullshit the others are inclined to get involved in, so they instead choose to carve out their own place in the story through sheer perseverance alone.

which, speaking of passion: one of the most interesting parallels i think you can make between mello & misa is the ways in which they idolize their respective heroes, misa's obviously being light while mello's is L. allow me to elaborate.

as this post points out, DN has some very interesting use of its religious imagery & theming, and in particular its use of christian/catholic gothic imagery in its story and especially its art. however, as op notes, a lot of this is quite superficial, ascribing to an aesthetic of "kitschy Catholicism," that was characteristic of a lot of early 2000s japanese goth style. yet, while i admit that a more serious consideration of religious elements in the art & story could add some interesting flavor to the story, i also think that, regardless of intention, the superficiality of DN's religious elements works really well in the context of this particular story. as i stated in my tags on that post: light is a superficial god. he is a fake, a scam, some idiot human that stumbled across the powers of a real shinigami and got his head up his ass about it. and a lot of the arcs of other characters in DN is about their reaction to light's claims-- whether they choose to follow him (e.g. misa, mikami), follow somebody else (e.g. mello), or follow nobody at all (e.g. near, also kinda soichiro?), and the implications that has for their lives and personalities.

this is all to say that while you can, on a surface level, connect misa & mello pretty easily as the two aggressive, fashionable blondes of the series, i also think that these somewhat superficial traits betray a greater connection between the two of them. if we understand the christian/catholic elements of misa & mello's fashion as a demonstration of their connection to not just a higher power but a lie, a superficial deity simply reflecting the sunlight of powers greater than himself, then i think we have great insight into another key element of both their characters.

do not forget: in the world of DN, heaven & hell do not exist. at least in the context of death itself, the realm & lore of the shinigami reign supreme, a point which the DN musical makes even more overt: "Isn't it a laugh? / Isn't it a shame? / Thinking there is someone in heaven to blame?" and "Going through the motions / as if there will be a reward / Oh, while we stay eternally bored!" (BEST SONGGG.) everyone is destined for the same fate of MU, the same void of nothingness awaits all. no reward, no punishment, no greater deity looking down upon us than the bored, slothful shinigami, lazing about in their realm and picking people off only when necessary (for the most part).

misa & mello are thus dedicating themselves to false idols, and we can see the negative effects this has on them in almost every facet of their character-- particularly for mello, who is perhaps more self-aware and has more of a mixed emotional outlook on his idol, but maybe even to a more extreme degree for misa. i keep going back to this idea of equating boredom with depression in DN, but where light/L/near are all "bored" in a very quiet, passive, stewing-in-bed late at night kinda way, misa & mello are characteristically a lot more aggressive and intense about it-- while neither of them are super overtly suicidal, necessarily, their actions still betray a distinct lack of care for their own safety or lives, expressing the same thematic sentiment as the others. even if they still don't straight up say it, through their actions they're a lot louder about not liking themselves, and seem to take the problems they see in the world more personally, shouldering the blame as a failure within themselves instead of projecting it outward like the others: e.g. light taking his unhappiness at the emptiness of his life at the start of the story & placing the blame on the world for "going to shit" & humanity's moral failings, versus misa being willing to literally & figuratively give up her life for KIRA the second he demands it, whether that be in the form of shinigami eyes or killing her own friends w/o second thought-- all because he was the only thing to bring justice to her own parents' deaths, an almost undoubtedly traumatizing/horrible experience for her considering how much value she places on KIRA/light afterwards.

to clarify, this is not to say that all of these characters are actually and literally depressed and/or suicidal, though you could certainly make that argument for some/all of them-- this is just one way that i think you could interpret their roles in the plot, and their thematic attachment to the story. even if DN isn't all that interested in considering the True Moral Answer to ethics/the justice system/human society/etc, it definitely takes at least some interest in the emotional viewpoints of characters in relation to those concepts, so i think this is a fair enough approach to take. or to say this another way, it's less about justifying the claim that "the world is shit," and more about trying to understand the emotional motivation & experience of feeling like the world is shit, if that makes sense.

that being said...speaking more on the whole "not liking themselves," thing: even if she doesn't say it aloud often, if ever, i think that misa is deeply aware of the fact that she was not supposed to live this long, that her existence at all is a pure stroke of luck that let her live on past her destined date. she dedicates herself to light so fully, not even necessarily expecting reciprocation (though she at least reserves herself the possibility of such), because being a disciple to her god at least gives her life some kind of purpose. similarly, i think mello is also aware of just how out of reach the one thing he wants is, how his desperation in and of itself is ironically the one thing keeping him from surpassing near and truly being #1. it's important to note that pre-time skip misa & post-skip mello are almost exactly the same age, around 20 years old at the time of their main arcs. they're immature, and in the case of mello especially, are lashing out at the world in whatever way they can because they know they don't quite fit into it in the way that they want to or should. regardless of the intent behind it, mello & misa both still make the conscious decision to kill with the DN-- perhaps in a way that still keeps their humanity, at least following near's logic, but it's a decision to end a human life either way.

anyways, going back to my previous point, this "worshiping of false idols," idea has some interesting implications-- for misa & mello yes, but also for L and the ways in which he contrasts again light, as under this logic mello's treatment kind of inherently gives L a similar status as a sort of false god/idol. which-- actually makes a lot of sense? or at the very least, viewing wammy's house as a kind of mystery cult a la the eleusinian mysteries is a neat approach to take. L & light's mutual alienation from humanity fits them both filling a false god status, anyway. also there's another thread of analysis you could follow here where near is instead fit into the role of the person mello is fixated on which AAAAAAAAA has interesting implications but jesus fucking christ, this post is long. some thoughts for another time, i suppose.

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

When I wrote about this part during the book club, I talked about how this romance made me feel hopeful and brought me so much joy. And watching this part of the series, I had the advantage of knowing how it all ends, and yet, the way this romance is built, it's almost as if I was expecting a different ending. Cause I felt the same sense of joy watching these two people come together, and I'm sure a small part of my brain was hanging on to the idea that it would be different this time. As if somehow this Young and this Gyu-ho were completely different people and so their story would have a different ending. Foolish, I know, but it's a testament to this show, that I got to be so enamoured with this romance knowing the pain that would follow.

I remember being a wreck when I finished this part of the novel. I felt Young was being so much more honest about himself that he had ever been in previous chapters. But this time I was overwhelmed. The reason of course being, Gyu-ho. There he was. A full person. Not just a recollection of moments told to us by Young, in his words. I could see his smile, the way he looked at Young, the way he slept, the way he brought so much light into Young's life, the way he tried just so damn hard to break through the wall Young had built around himself.

And for a while, he found a way in. Young allowed himself to be open, to be vulnerable with this person. Showing him parts of himself he didn't allow others to see. And what a beautifully normal romance this was. And we were allowed to see all parts too.

I have no doubt Young loved Gyu-ho fully. And if only he loved himself a small fraction of that, anything would've been possible. He doesn't believe he deserves this kind of happiness, and wouldn't even think of fighting for it. 'I'd been too greedy' - Young says when he realizes he won't be able to go to China because of Kylie. Like a sign from the universe, saying, that's enough. As if he'd been living in some alternate reality where he was allowed a small moment of happiness but now reality comes crashing in. And he simply sighs. Like it was somehow expected. So he doesn't fight it. He simply accepts it and does what he needs to do. Don't get me wrong. I'm not condemning him. Nor am I judging the way he chose to handle all of this. I understand it all. But, I wish he was kinder to himself. I wish he could see himself through Gyu-ho's eyes just for a second. And maybe believe that they could find a way.

[eating-figs-here]

Oh my stars I need to gnaw on bones and perish in the woods because. Because some people believe Wanderer/Scaramouche has gone through an entire redemption arc. No!! He is at the beginning. He is taking his first steps forward!!! He is STICKING with the Good Guys (TM) because it's the most optimal thing to do!! It's not out of character, he knows how to play the cards he's been dealt! And y'know, overtime, he should begin to grow to care for the people of Sumeru and the region itself!!! Like that's the point!!!! He isn't there yet!!!!!! He isn't supposed to be a good guy yet!!! The reason this "redemption arc" feels "unsatisfying" is because he isn't a fully converted good guy yet!!!! Aaaaaaaa!! :(

I have my thoughts below- and uh, it's a bit long

And to those saying Hoyo should've killed him off? Please, I do want to hear why you believe that killing off Scaramouche would've been more impactful than keeping him alive. I, personally, believe that killing him off would be a disservice to what the story has been trying to get across as Sumeru's version of wisdom.

And to explain what I believe the story has been trying to get across about wisdom: Wisdom is, to Sumeru, the celebration of individuality interwoven with the celebration of community. Greater Lord Rukkhadevata says that dreams are the fruit of human wisdom, and dreams are reflections of a person's raw joys, anxieties, sorrows, and examples of the bottomless creativity the mind produces. Those combined dreams power the Akasha, which helped Rukkhadevata repel forbidden knowledge and is considered an incredible piece of technology in Teyvat. (That's a lot of weight and power they're putting into dreams!!)

Wanna see another example of how starkly different individuals come together to beat an imposing foe? LITERALLY THE SUMERU CAST. Wonder why when you played throughout the Sumeru quest line it felt a tad bit like found family?? Because that's the point!! The narrative spends time fleshing out the bonds between characters, whether old or new! We see characters like Cyno, Dehya, and Alhaitham grow to trust one another despite their tense start! We see previously established relationships like Dehya and Dunyarzad or Tighnari and Cyno! They all get closer to the Traveler as well! It is INTENTIONAL!!

Okay, now back to this puppet, Scaramouche is someone who has consistently had his own personhood denied, with his right to exist as an individual played with. His own perceived abandonment from Ei and the Fatui orchestrating the destruction of his only support group (the people of Tatarasuna) in order to be used for their own gain hammers that point home. He rejects himself by ignoring his own humanity in favor of becoming something he THINKS he's supposed to be! The Harbingers do not trust one another, and they are ready to stab their colleagues in the back from their own gain. (Which he does!! What sense of community here?? None!!)

Do you see? Scaramouche, in this state, is the antithesis of Sumeru's wisdom. Which is precisely why he fails. He fails and he falls due to the wisdom of the people of Sumeru and the joint efforts of the Sumeru cast. He, a shattered puppet once more, is forced to reckon with the fact that who he believes he should be is not who he is. And to make that realization have meaning, he must live.

There is a reason why the nation of wisdom is also the nation of dendro. To grow, adapt, and change are its core principles. So why wouldn't the Dendro Archon extend her hand to someone denied what she had been recently given- support, companionship, community. Wouldn't it be much more impactful to see a sickly sapling turn into a tree rather than letting it die? With Wanderer, we will (eventually) see the harvest of Sumeru's ideals. From rocky start to the nebulous finish, Wanderer will embody the adaptation and growth that marks Sumeru's wisdom as he steadily grows into his own individual- with many characters we know accompanying him on that journey.

I dunno how else to put this, I literally just think that having a character actively being shaped by what makes Sumeru.. Sumeru after a total rejection of it is neat. Because.. Y'know. Plants? Nurturing and growing?? I am being SO real I do not think narratively cutting off a character's ability to grow would be Sumeru's jam. Sorry for this mess of a rant, I hope my thoughts got through.. and this isn't even talking about the nuances of other characters (especially Nahida!!) but I am. Tired. So tired :')

[piyo13sdoodles]

day 5 on chapter 15 of Hands of the Emperor:

He played until the full moon sailed high above them, his last song one of the endless longing of a poet who had fallen in love with the Moon. [...] "It is nearly the eclipse," his Radiancy said in a quiet voice, and Cliopher realized that he probably knew its coming far more intimately than any of them.

[insufferablemod]

thinking about the differences and similarities between aradia and dave and their doomed selves.......................... dave walking on a constant tightrope to keep himself and his friends on the alpha timeline, doing everything he can, giving up his personhood, walking over his own corpse time and time again, aware that one wrong move dooms them all meanwhile i know aradia was also aware of this but doesn't seem to care, partially cus of being a dead robot sure but also maybe because their doomed selves function in different ways. dave's act as a warning and safety net for the alpha timeline, they show him what he has to do to keep the alpha timeline safe aradia's are a tool, a weapon, the more of them there are the stronger she is which makes me think its likely that unlike dave, during the trolls session aradia didn't try and stop any doomed timeline offshoots. i don't think shes the type to have Encouraged them, actively dooming timelines, but it was a necessary part of her role. for them to win, they needed an army both aradia and dave also view the end result as the only important factor, the end justifies the means aradia talking to dead dave about how dave needs to be prepared to die a thousand deaths to complete their quest dave not telling jade that shes about to pump him full of lead both use it as an excuse/justification to do what they want in a way, ghost aradia wrecking random shit, but its fine, there's probably a reason for it, and if there's not, one more doomed timeline is just another doomed self to join the final battle dave's thing about being mad that no one else seems mad n how this way he at least gets to try n go for jack, even knowing hell die, he saw it happen so hes allowed to be reckless, hes allowed to let go the freedom and captivity of time you both have no control over anything, forced to follow the whims of The Alpha timeline if you want to survive, but it also absolves you of responsibility, it Had to happen this way we'd all have been doomed if it hadn't.