#so i can fucking sleep
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I'm just... so tired of needing to filter my words 500 times in my head before actually saying them in order to avoid giving off the wrong impression with my tone/wording, and then failing anyways. Even over text I need to rewrite things multiple rimes and use multiple different tonal indicators and it still comes out wrong!!! And then neurotypical people are just out there saying whatever and people understand what they mean every time! Its so exhausting just let me say things the way I mean them pls
#currently dealing with the rsd of someone misreading a silly little comment i made#and im probably misreading their tone too but its so hard to tell and i just wanna be done with that#hhhh brain... brain bad#i gotta get some sleep#pls dont read into anything i say its not that deep im just dumb and autistic#from now on just imagine me saying wverything with a flat tone and no expression ok thx#autism spectrum disorder#rejection sensitive dysphoria#rsd#neurodivergent#audhd#asd#autism#ahdjshsksj i just blocked someone bc i just. i cant deal with this rn#and i know itll probably just make me look like an asshole but at this point theyll probably think that regardless#and the whole ordeal is giving me a headache#but i wanted to say something just to get it out of my head#so i can fucking sleep#hhhhh
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the narcissist fools himself
#IM GETTING A BAD GRADE IN POLYSHO WEEK WHICH IS NORMAL TO FEAR AND POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE.#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#proseka#polysho#polysho week 2024#tsukasa tenma#emu otori#nene kusanagi#rui kamishiro#domt scroll dowm to when i pisted the sketch a year ago actually. should i delete that#Nah who give a fuck#They dont need to know that i drew this over a year ago and touched it up c all of my other drawings for this theme sre too ambitious#I cant draw a fucking merrygoround. Who am i kidding.#I posted this now so i can stop adding minute gradient maps to it for a 0.2 percent color difference. must sleep. farewell.#more polysho week to come. the day 5 prompt.. well. heh#also FUCK i want to do day 4 too bc i love the yokai theme but thats Today and i AAAAAHG ok stop itz GOONIGHT.#funny drawing for the guy that turned romeo and juliet into fortnite. stop crying and hop on duos
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normal day at the future foundation
#byakuya togami#yasuhiro hagakure#whose dick byakuya...WHOSE DICK....#this can be naegami implied but i also have a very specific headcanon that post thh byakuya sleeps around#mostly bc trauma + stress relief + acting against his weird 'fuck around have kids' family tradition#he's so stiff and annoying all the time he should be allowed to let loose. have a cig. and a quickie in a future foundation bathroom stall#suggestive#my arts#danganronpa
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I think Deku has a bit of a mean streak, actually. he’s no Bakugou—that’s for sure—but he’s not this innocent, sweet angel baby that the media has painted him out to be. but you only catch it when you least expect it, when you’re pushing his nerves, when the stakes to everything around him are high, when he’s tired of endless sleepless nights and just—snaps.
“Oh?” you go, grin unfurling like some grinch, chin resting on your hands as you leer at him from across his expansive desk. “You’re mean.” your words are teasing, a snarl that curls your mouth up. Deku stutters, eyes going wide, jaw snapping shut in surprise as he tries to think back on how rude he just sounded.
“No, I’m not—I mean, you wouldn’t stop and I just—there’s a lot on my plate right now—and you just—you keep on—I’m not—I’m not mean.” He’s sputtering, hands all over the place, the glasses perched on the bridge of his nose falling even lower with how he jabbers on and on. it’s endearing really, to see how he tries to upkeep his image of being so kind and understanding, even though his nostrils just flared at you. and his eyebrows turned down and he gritted at you, his hands were balled into fists, his words were so nasty, so ugly, so unbecoming for Deku.
you liked it. loved it even—vowed to get him like this every single fucking second that you could.
you pick and poke at him whenever you see him, teasing him and pulling at him. pushing him around even though the hero is so much stronger than you, so much bigger. and he lets you, tries to defend himself but—that’s not what you want. you want the ugliness, the snark, the mean.
he snaps, eventually, when you least expect it. grabs you up in black whip when you go to push him against the wall for the third time in only a minute, his eyes suddenly dark, the aura of the room suddenly charged.
“That’s what I was looking for.” you whisper to him, the grin spreading your face quickly dissipating in only seconds when you become the prey. when you become the one pushed up against the wall with teeth at your neck, a hand in your underwear, bullying your hole with too thick fingers.
“Why do you want me to act like this? Be so mean to you, huh?” he sounds so frustrated with himself, with you, growling and nipping and licking when you don’t answer quick enough. but your breath is caught in your lungs because finally—finally, did you get what you wanted. it just took a little bit of pushing, you suppose.
#omg I wrote this idea down last night and couldn’t even type it up#bc I took some sleep meds and it put me out SO FUCKING QUICK????#usually I don’t lay down until like an hour and a half or two#but it was literally like 40 mins and I was DONE!!!!#but I finally wrote it :D#there’s also been so much talk of him on the dash and i am. very much so liking this#I miss him bc I don’t think about him enough#but I also think he can be. so mean. like NASTY mean when his limits are pushed enough#ohhhh my god I wont him so bad#okay gn I took more meds bc my pelvis has been in so much pain????#just the right side too??? omg AM I DYING GELP#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#deku treats! 🍬
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thinking of a new steddie fic/au hmmm.
It’s just the classic, Steve buys weed from Eddie in season 1 era, he and Tommy meet him at the bench in the woods behind school. Steve and Eddie have some playful banter and clearly get along, but it’s dismissed as just a drug deal and they go on about their lives.
Next time they meet is when a frantic Steve comes and finds Eddie after he’s just fought off the demogorgon for the first time. He’s rattled, and skittish, wearing a nasty black bruise on his eye, and just overall not acting like himself. He snaps at Eddie multiple times to just ‘hurry up’ and ‘get him his stuff’, and sure he’s being an asshole, but more than anything Eddie is just concerned. He has never seen The King Steve Harrington lose his cool like this. So Eddie cautiously gives him the weed, making sure not to give too much, and lets him go about his day, but not before asking if he’s alright. Steve clearly wasn’t expecting this and brushes it off defensively, but that doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about it for the rest of his week. How the hell did Eddie Munson notice something was wrong, when his own parents didn’t? Nor his “friends”?
They cross paths again a year later, the beginning of season two. Steve is still with Nancy and has freshly dumped his old douchebag crew of superficial friends. He is still sitting quite comfortably on the higher ranks of popularity, but there is no denying his status is not what it used to be. He comes to buy weed from Eddie in the first week back at school, and it’s a casual interaction. He’s still as charmingly stuck up as he ever was, but now without Tommy there to judge his every move, he seems a little more at ease when making casual conversation with Eddie. Eddie doesn’t mention the year before and Steve is so glad for it, secretly very embarrassed that he went to Eddie for some refuge after arguably his most traumatic experience to date. He gets his stuff, giving Eddie a smirk when he notices he’s dropped the price significantly for Steve when it’s just him alone. Eddie gives him a challenging smile back, almost daring him to call it out, but he doesn’t. They both just laugh and part ways.
The next run in is tina’s halloween party. They notice eachother when Steve first arrives, making eye contact and giving a polite nod. Maybe Eddie lifts his drink up to Steve in a silly salute. They don’t speak at all or make any effort to hang around eachother. That is, until Steve storms down the stairs in a rage after he’d gone up there with Nancy Wheeler. But then are those- tears? Eddie was standing on the front porch smoking a cigarette, trying to discreetly hide from one Billy Hargrove to avoid having to sell him anything, but staying visible enough that he won’t lose all chances of making any money tonight. Steve storms right past him and hits his shoulder. Eddie whips around and is about to call him a dick before he sees who it is.
Steve tries to quickly wipe his face, he won’t make eye contact with Eddie, and he’s clearly trying to get out as fast as he can. Eddie doesn’t let him, though, since he’s obviously not thinking very clearly and is most likely about to do something emotional and stupid. He asks if Steve’s alright, and his answers are all short and rushed, so he’s definitely not. They’re not really friends, but Eddie’s not an asshole.
— “Did you drive?” Eddie asks
“Yeah”
“Well, you’re drunk, Steve. You can’t get behind a wheel right now. And if I knowingly let you, then that makes me an accomplice. I’ll take you home.”
Steve tries to protest, attempting to push past him, but Eddie interjects. “Yeah, yeah, alright! Don’t thank me yet, Steve’o. This is not for you, see, I’m not trying to get a criminal record, here. I cant go to prison, Steve. Do you know what they’d do to a pretty guy like me in prison? Nope, let’s go hot stuff.” —
Eddie takes Steve home. They don’t talk much. By the time they reach Steve’s drive way and Eddie has put his van in park, Steve is making no attempt to exit the vehicle just yet. Eddie doesn’t know what to do, he didn’t really plan this far, so he’s just tapping away awkwardly at his steering wheel while Harrington stares down the dashboard so clearly lost in thought Eddie fears his head might explode. Steve tells Eddie what happened, says it’s ‘relationship troubles’, and he’s not quite sure what compelled him into being so honest with Eddie Munson, but he’s blaming the alcohol. Eddie wasn’t expecting that. They chat for a bit, Eddie makes Steve laugh and considers the whole night a success after that. Then they start cracking jokes about their shared hatred for Hargrove, and Steve looks and sounds a bit more ok to go inside. He thanks Eddie, quite sincerely actually, and it throws him a bit. He stutters a ‘yeah, for sure. It’s no problem.’ And Steve goes home.
After that, it’s a little different. Steve, doesn’t actually really have anyone, anymore. When they go back to school he’s now greeting Eddie here and there in the hallways, making conversation when they find themselves alone together, in the lunch line or at the bathroom sink. He doesn’t approach Eddie when there’s too many people around, though. As much as he’s grown, Steve Harrington still carry’s some prejudice in him about how certain things may make him look. But it doesn’t bother Eddie too much. It’s not like they are really friends, they’re just like, strange acquaintances. And Steve would never deny that they get along, that really Eddie’s ‘not so bad’. So that’s a win.
Steve finds Eddie again not long after the party to buy some more weed, a plan that sparked purely out of boredom. Eddie says yes, of course, but tells him if he wants it today he will need to wait till after school and meet Eddie at his place, since he was busy. So Steve takes a trip to the Munson trailer to make his deal. Eddie invites him inside and they sit together on the couch as he gets Steve’s bag ready. They end up making quite pleasant conversation, joking around and ultimately finding they are really enjoying each other’s company. They enjoy it so much so, that Steve ends up smoking there, with Eddie. So now they are kind of like, hanging out? And it’s fun, so they do it again. Still they’re not, friends friends, they just get along. Eddie just sells Steve weed sometimes and they keep it civil.
He doesn’t hear from Steve for a while, and the next time he sees him it’s from a distance, in passing. The man has the most roughed up face Eddie has ever seen, bruised and swollen in multiple areas, stitches and bandages all over. It’s really, concerning? completely metal, but alarming. This is the second time Eddie has seen the guy all beaten up like that. He knew that boys fight, but surely not that bad? As worried as he was, Eddie doesn’t approach him to ask questions, because they don’t know eachother like that. So he goes on about his day, and he doesn’t see Steve again after that for quite some time.
Then it’s summer, Eddie isn’t graduating again, and he’s not really sure what to do with himself over the break. The new mall has just opened up, and there’s a cool music store up on the second floor that he likes to visit sometimes with his band friends. And wouldn’t you know, working at the Scoops Ahoy located directly across from his favourite store, is Steve Harrington. The guy hasn’t come to Eddie for any weed since last year, and then there was that sighting where he looked like he’d just fallen face first into a flying fist or two, so it’s been a minute since Eddie’s seen him. And he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t a nice surprise. He only goes into scoops once. He’s curious, okay? Sue him. And, he knows the girl who works with him, Robin. So he plays it off like he had no idea he’d see Steve there. And to his surprise, Steve actually acknowledges him. He doesn’t act like Eddie is a total stranger just because they’re not in school anymore. The interaction is quick, they make very casual conversation, Eddie says hi to Robin, grabs his milkshake and goes home. That’s all. He doesn’t go back, and he doesn’t really plan to. Steve’s nice, and he knows Eddie’s around if he needs to buy from him again, and that’s really as far as their relationship goes. That’s all it ever was. It’s been fun getting to know Steve Harrington a little bit better, even if it was just for a short time. Eddie liked having the chance to see in past the quaffed hair and pressed polo shirts to learn that Steve was really just a person under it all. He never thought he’d say it, but Harrington wasn’t so bad. It was a nice little eye opening experience for Eddie.
Eddie was ready to write off his little blips of interaction with Steve Harrington as a thing of the past, no hard feelings, and move on with his life. That is, until he gets a knock at his front door in the middle of the night afew days after the big mall fire. And it’s Steve on the other side. And he looks awful, his face is the worst Eddie’s ever seen it. And he wasn’t really knocking, more like pounding. He says he needs Eddie’s help.
What the fuck?
#and then he#he asks eddie for help getting really strong drugs oit of your system#and if he knows if there’s anything out there that can have long lasting affects on your system#and if he can please have some weed too actually so he can sleep because maybe that will help#because please give me more paranoid steve not just moving on right away from being fuckinh drugged non consensually !!!#i need to see season 3 steve going to eddie for help after the russians because he doesn’t know anywhere else#and eddie is just like what the actual fuck is this man on about ????#what the hell goes on in the harrington household that causes him to get a black eye annually#and now be rambling about getting drugged????#eddie getting so curious about what is actually going on with him#ugh#anyways might write this proper oooh what do we think#stranger things#eddie munson#steve harrington#steddie#robin buckley#st3#stranger things 2#stranger things 3#steve and eddie#steddie fic#steddie au
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i want us both to eat well
#more g4g art !#he tries So fucking hard for jl . so hard#i dont know if there are many moments of reprieve during jl’s childhood but i think#he thinks of what his sister did for him and his brother and he copies that . slowly slowly like hes worried he’ll mess up#and i think he hums jl to sleep and then bawls his eyes out every night#i thought a lot about how young he was post war pre canon#when i was drawing this#and i think . hes such a good parent#i think jl looks back at his childhood and thinks that he was happy . that jc made sure he was happy#and he only realises later that when jc was so silent and stared into space before baby jl ran up to him and jc smiled#small but a smile#that he was struggling so bad . but he tried so hard to keep jl happy#and i think jl goes up and sits with him quietly now because at least if his brother doesnt want to come home to hug him jl can#hug him just as tight#so what if theyre a family of two theyve got each other#ough . they make me all weepy and miserable#UMMM DETAILS the ribbons on the tree jcs eyebags and black nail polish#ok the end💥#allcheng gotcha for gaza#art tag#mdzs#jiang cheng#jin ling#jin ling and his jiujiu#mxtx#mo dao zu shi#魔道祖师#cql#the untamed#the grandmaster of demonic cultivation
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going to look at houses with one of the boys because yall need a bigger one with more rooms now that ale and rudy have officially joined the polycule and the agent is really working the kids angle for "you and your... husband?" and ofc it's johnny who goes with you and he's feeding into it by only referring to them as "the boys" that by the time you've settled on a house and you get the agent to do one last viewing so they can all come see, her head fucking explodes first when she sees "the boys" and again after they all take their turns giving you and johnny your initial smooches, and the smile on johnny's face tells you this couldn't have played out as perfectly even in his dreams
#poly boys#it's honestly really cute that johnny considers it this secret little tool in his arsenal#because he never thought he'd be lucky enough to have a single partner to actually see him and love him. and to have this many???#man is fucking overjoyed#he's going to keep getting as much fun out of it as he can#and even tho yall grumble about his shenanigans you can't help but love how happy he is about it all#johnny's out here like “oh no this won't do this room will be too far for simon he'll want to be closer”#and the agent is like “oh is he your youngest? it's always so hard to get them to sleep in their own rooms at first”#johnny viciously nodding along as you picture simon in the mom i frew up pose
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a little bit crazy
#qkdraws#id in alt#please zoom in.i beg of u#mob psycho 100#mp100#mob psycho#teruki hanazawa#mp100 teruki#now that i can finish bigger pieces like this one in one sitting i finish it and then im like well now what.#back when i was painfully slow at art it woulda taken me like 3 whole days to finish this fucker#but now it's done after one sitting. and my back feels like it's being electrocuted. and there's no more art to work on#the fuck is this shit .#anyway hi it's draft jay back at it again at 1am .im so tired#didn't rly sleep last night. i think i got maybe 2 hrs#last couple of nights before that have been rough too so im kinda runnin on fumes#we stay silly tho [thumbs up with a shaking hand]
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of course it’s sasuke
#sasunaru#narusasu#naruto#sasuke#uzumaki naruto#uchiha sasuke#round fox baby#naruto’s boyfriend#I MEAN#WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE LOL??????#what kinda blog do u think i am#hahahaha eehehehee#wow this took days bc i was#super busy and tired from work and#my sleep schedules fucked so i dont have enrrgy at all#my art#i reiterate#yes im aware roles CAN be reversed#but i do not care#i draw this solely because i want to see#feral naruto in san clothes#i want him in the fur#i want him with the wolves ok#im perfectly aware but i chose this bc im the artist and#i draw what i want to see#p sure theres literally dozens of other#redraws that have ur own vision fit the art#but this is MY own version and i do whatever i want#go to narusasu version please and ignore this one then
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stay warm! 🌟🍬🤖🎈
#stupid idiot forgot his mittens. to the shredder#merry yurimas.#polysho#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#emu otori#tsukasa tenma#nene kusanagi#rui kamishiro#proseka#Oh my god im waking uo for the stupid broadcast in like 6 hours im dumb as fuck#WEH. WEH#merry whatever the fuck#AUUUUUU excited to have nothing to do and draw for myself for um 12.. days. Oh my god theres only 12 days til 2nd sem. Oh fuck everything#I NEED TO DRAAAAAAAAW.#guys help i was going to draw song covers i want but i need to sleep cause i have stuff tomorrow but listen#if rks gets a snobbism cover i called it. Ok? ok.#i think it would be funny and just if they dont get another duet again. get the ruinene treatment. CAN WE FREE RNN ACTUALLY ITS CHRISTMAS#what was the other thing. um carnival that song i want it added so bad idk if theres sny songs with its letter count but please.#literally played nijiro stories on repeat while drawing this we need them back#fucking NBOODY TOOOOLD ME ITS EMUKASA WEEK ON STIPID TWITTER IM NOOOOTHING IM NOTHIN#i usually acknowledge that i dont have the moxy to do fanweeks but i really want to be drawing more and faster so i will participate.#emurui week is like march iirc. you wont get away from me this time.
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#i just like when the tables turn and its sanji whos annoying and picking on zoro#imnot even gonna put a caption man im going to sleep#goodn=bye. leaf me alone. i dont want to look at these fucklechucks anymore. i hate them#get away from me#i always struggle with both of their hairstyles. especially sanji. i should shave him bald im sick of you im so fucking sick of you#okay image-crunchinator 5000. hit me with your best fucking shot. you better make it count. you better kill me in one shot#edit: it did. orz#wtf... art#one piece fanart#roronoa zoro#zoro#sanji#sanji black leg#can be these if u squint ->#zosan#sanzo
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*gives you a gay little kiss that feels like home*
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#lesbian#sometimes you may see a post from me and go:#why the fuck would she post that??#and wonder if i regret it#the answer is no <3#all my posts are bangers😤#esp this one#and that is NOT the exhaustion and lack of sleep talking#maybe it’s late and i have to be up#in five hours#and i came to the realization that ALL my kisses count as gay little kisses#and had to share that with the internet#okay and it’s a GOOD post😤😤😤😤#im not gonna see this at a time when im more sane and be like wtf#i’ll see it be like: wow that’s a great post#@ future me: u can fight me on this im right okay#god im so tired
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FELLOW HONEST SHAKES
#twisted wonderland#twst#twst playful land#I TOLD MYSELF NOT TO FALL FOR ANOTHER EUROPEAN MF#LET ALONE HE'S A FOX#IF HE ENDS UP BEING A PIECE OF SHIT I AM DONE FOR#HE'S SO ..SO... MISCHIEVOUS LOOKING I WANNA PISS HIM OFF#FIGHT AND DEFY HIM Y'KNOW??????#is his name really fellow honest#WHATEVER WITH HIM AND ACE IN THE SAME ROOM I CAN TAKE THEM#ORANGE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ (IT IS NOT)#GOOD LOOOOOOOIRF it's 4am#fuck that damn smirk I WANNA PULL YOUR EARS#i need sleep but my mind is running wITH ALL THESE CIRCUS POSSIBILITIES AND#WHAT THIS MAN CAN DO#I KNOW YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOUR OG CHARACTER DID TO PINOCCHIO BUDDY#GRINDING MY TEETH ON HIS TAIL
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if murderbot learned what autism was i truly believe itd go "wow humans are so ridiculous they cant even agree on their own stupid human social rules" and then never think about that or its possible relation to its own behaviors ever again
#mensah: secunit here are some accessibility drones so u can interact with the world more comfortably#mb: its super impressive how she can make up reasons to get around the 'no drones allowed rules' just so she can bribe me#ratthi has his head in his hands. like deities send me strength i cannot fucking deal with this#tmbd#mbd#murderbot diaries#i dunno the tags man. i also do not know if its even funny anymore#im so tired#lost track of my life and didnt realize i ran out of sleep meds haha. fuuck#tomorrows gonna fucking suck balls#my posts
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So apparently the symptoms for chronic fatigue include loss of memory, reduced concentration, and fainting/lightheadedness when sitting/standing up?? Why didn't anyone tell me about this 😭
#the last one about orthostatic intolerance is flooring me#i literally got tested for POTS bc of how frequently i pass out or get lightheaded from standing up#like its so bad that i got tested for POTS. and it came back negative. and i just gave up after that#but youre telling me that theres ANOTHER condition that can cause that??#and this same condition also causes memory issues which i also have and have been getting worse for years??#and the condition in question is 'tired all the time and sleep doesnt help' disorder#which is ALSO an issue ive had since at least middle school???#and the getting exhausted even after light exercise and mental work#and apparently even sore/swollen lymph nodes?? which is something thats been happening to me randomly recently???#what the fuck man 😭 why havent i looked into this before#'symptoms must last at least 6 months' brother my symptoms have lasted for at least 14 YEARS#...i think i need to talk to my doctor#rambling
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Light's relationship with his father is such a heartbreaking multi-faceted tragedy to me I hate it so so so much.
Soichiro loves his son so much, and while he's certainly not a perfect father I know that he cares deeply about Light. He wants to prove Light's innocence so badly but he can't let go of the underlying doubt that he might really be Kira and it gnaws at him. He does not know that from the very beginning he was being used by Light, whether it was to obtain information about the investigation, or to get to L, or to strengthen the foundations of his own lie that he wasn't Kira, this entire time he was simply another resource. He'll hang onto this doubt for years, even after L is dead, even if he doesn't express it in the latter half of the series, until he himself is on his deathbed, with what he believes to be undeniable proof that Light isn't Kira. (It's a lie, of course.) He dies happy, but it's on the foundations of blissful ignorance. His own son brought him here, brought him to the point where he had to sacrifice half of his own remaining life span, to his own death march, and was still trying to use him even now to kill someone else, but he doesn't know that. Soichiro said that what was evil was the power to kill others, and that whoever used it was cursed. Light was that cursed man, of course, and he tried to bring that curse onto Soichiro too by making him kill in his last moments. Soichiro was happy regardless, because he didn't know. He'll never know. (In the manga/anime at least. More on that later).
Light loves his father but it's not enough to turn him away from the terrible decisions he's made, if anything it only fuels them. His idea of "justice" is a twisted model of what he parroted from Soichiro, and he uses his father as another pawn (and a powerful one at that) in his plans. If he can prove that Kira is justice then perhaps his father will no longer call Kira, and therefore Light, evil, so he just needs to ensure that Kira becomes justice, right? It's Light's own actions that land his own father in the hospital for a stress-induced heart attack and yet he says only a few minutes later that he's the happiest he's ever been in his entire life. Even after Soichiro denounces Kira by calling him evil, even after he calls the Death Note's power evil, even after he unknowingly tells Light that he is cursed. When Soichiro dies Light is too deep in his own plans to actually properly process the fact that his own father is dying past what it means for his goals, but at the same time he still cares enough that after the fact he'll genuinely cry, only to brush it all away later. (Personally, I don't have a single doubt in my mind that Light's crying in that scene was genuine and I Will die on this hill). Soichiro had unknowingly denounced Light one last time just before his death, openly relieved that he "wasn't Kira after all", which also reveals that he has had doubts about Light this entire time, even after L died. By the time he's caught at the Yellow Box Warehouse Light will have denounced his father too, seeing him as someone who was made to be a fool, someone who was naive, even, too earnest for his own good. He won't realize that part of this description of his father might have applied to Light himself, back when this all started. Light takes after his father so much in so many ways already, so why not in this way too?
Ough. And honestly the other adaptations never miss out on this tragedy either, and I love them for that. (spoilers for the musical and 2006 live action movies I guess?)
In the musical we see Soichiro express his doubts and conflicts about who to believe, Light or L, if the son he raised really is a murderer, if everything he knows about him is just a lie. Like, there's an entire song about this, and you can tell how torn he is about it all, how badly he wants Light to be innocent but about how he also needs to face the truth no matter what it is, but at the end of it all he doesn't even get the answers he wants. At the end of the musical the only thing he finds is two corpses, Light's and L's, with no answers. No last words, no closure, only dead ends and a dead son and a grieving daughter. It's so awful I hate it here.
And the live action movie is fucking Insane. Like, wow. Okay. (Spoiler for the ending of Death Note The Last Name I guess) In the 2006 movies/novels Light writes Soichiro's name in the Death Note himself, and it's such an inconcievable move that it leaves even Misa shocked; Light tries to make Soichiro give him the Death Note for the last part of his plans, seeing his death as a "necessary sacrifice" (insert tangent essay about why I think 2006 live action movie Light is actually the most "coldhearted" Light Yagami, despite how infamous anime Light is). It doesn't work, and Soichiro does end up finding out that Light is Kira this time, and they have a confrontation, but he doesn't even sound truly hateful towards Light for it. He Never seems to outright hate Light for it, even after Light calls the whole confrontation a waste of time and instead tries to continue killing with the piece of the notebook in his watch, even after he tries to get Ryuk to kill everyone. When Ryuk inevitably writes Light's name and he collapses, Soichiro still reaches out for him and holds onto him as he's dying. Light literally dies in Soichiro's arms, still looking for the validation that he was right, that this wasn't all for nothing, that he was doing the good thing, trying to make Soichiro understand that he was trying to enact justice based on what he learned from him in the first place. Soichiro not only learns but sees for himself what his son has become, and Light dies in his arms leaving no closure for either of them. Soichiro will announce Light's death in L Change the WorLd on the news without saying his name, saying instead that it is only Kira who is dead, even though he and Light are one in the same. Sachiko and Sayu will never get to know the full truth about what happened to Light, instead Soichiro will lie and instead tell them: "Light was killed by Kira."
And then holy Shit the jdrama. If I write about it here this post is gonna literally double in length and also I don't really wanna spoil it but. Man. Man. If you watched it you know. Holy Shit dude I Cried.
It's the fact that, canonically, Soichiro will die oblivious to what Light has done, but even in the instances where he does find out, it doesn't make it any better, and it doesn't make him love Light any less, it just gives him more to grieve.
It's the fact that there isn't a single universe where Light doesn't use his father for his own gain, whether to gain information, or to try and control him with the Death Note, or make him write in the Death Note himself, and not a single time will he realize just how far he's strayed from Soichiro's ideals, and not a single time will he not forsake him for it by the end of the story.
It's the fact that, despite everything, Light will always refers to Soichiro as "dad/my dad" (informal) rather than "father/my father", even after he has been "denounced" (and this is true in every language that Death Note has been translated in, as far as I could find. Man, isn't that so cool! :) <- Through tears).
Anyways that's what I've been thinking of how's your guys' days going
#death note#dn#death note jdrama#death note live action#death note musical#i guess i can tag those#light yagami#soichiro yagami#coda analyzes stuff#i wrote like 90% of this at like 5 am because i was trying to sleep but then a Light Yagami Thought occured#i can't stop i can't stop the stupid analyses#my drafts are slowly piling with them make it stop helpppp#i hate this fucking series !! augh#ohhh shit this post is like 1.4K words long i am actually like so sorry if you read this whole thing through damn#i don't know if this is coherent i had to proofread this over several times but i still don't know if it makes any sense#and i don't feel like proofreading it another time. welp. hits post
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