#so i am. quite disappointed in myself
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41% on my maths test...
#40% is a pass so im okay#BUT CMON MAN#im so much better than that....#i got 70% on my last test last yr!!!#and i usually get 60%+ on tests#so i am. quite disappointed in myself#its my fault bruh#but still#i coudda done better#way way better#i didnt fail idk y im so upset lol#but idk ive never actually failed a test b4. so this is abt as close as ive came 2 failing#ill b real chat ^_^ it sux#i coudda actually failed. idk what id b doing if i did lol!!!!#but...yeah#hashtage not feeling the best#oh well!!! ur gud @ eng or ur gud @ maths and boy i am fantastic @ eng#rivers rambles <3
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The song Brutal by Olivia Rodrigo was written for teenage Kevin Day in the Nest and no one can convince me otherwise.
#āAnd I'm so tired that I might quit my job start a new life (go to PSU) and they'd all be so disappointed 'cause who am I if not exploitedā#āI don't stick up for myself I'm anxious and nothing can helpā#you're telling me it doesn't fit Kevin perfectly?#all for the game#aftg#kevin day#olivia rodrigo
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having an entirely unique problem right now where i want to brag about my grad school plans in my instagram caption but my extended family follows me and i have been lying to my parents about my major for the last four years . why have i done this? who knowsš
#i do want to brag bc i got into such a selective program and i am genuinely very proud of myself#but what if my aunt sees it and is like hm . this does Not look like biomedical engineering to me#and then she tells my grandma and my grandma tells my mom#and then my mom murders me#i like to call this game: how long can haven lie about something fundamental to her life before people notice#really itās just bc i was so terrified of my parents being mad/disappointed that i quit engineering#that i just . never told them.#anyway! thatās my rant for the nightšš¼#gnš#personal
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thereās something so epic about hetero chinese period dramas and i think one part of it is that there is absolutely nowhere in the narrative i could exist.
lately iāve been on a western media detoxā iāve cleaned english language music out of my playlists and have never been able to stomach western dramas anyway, so that part is easyā which might seem funny, because if iām in singapore and i hate it and i wonāt touch american music then whatās left? the answer is the false binarism of chinese period dramas, at least for me. the badly written ones are misogynistic and stupid and the better ones are less of those things, but regardless the world that emerges is clean-cut and easy to parse. thereās someone to root for and someone to hate. thereās a girl and a boy. thereās the comedy and the drama, the sheer thick drama, the music that signals to you precisely how to feel before the scene even starts going
try to jam a fifth culture transnational transgender they/them with 2 mental illness and 1 autoimmune disease into this world and it simply doesnāt work. and thatās kinda epic lolzers! itās like watching high fantasy, or super hardcore sci-if. it both represents a simulacrum of the real world and is so far from the reality you know that you understand it as a hypothetical universe, one that disincludes you on principle. i exclude myself from the story and in doing so fangfei from moyuyunjianās steely gaze becomes all the more important. i give so many shits and laugh and yell and spectate. but i am safe from the eyes of its inhabitants. if i entered the story it would break. so i sit outside of it, clapping by myself
in other news, we gave up on mysterious lotus casebook 16 episodes in. there are many character archetypes in these shows that i can no longer stand; the salacious sexy seductive supervillain lady is not necessarily one of them but the way they did miss āthis man didnāt even Look at me when all men fall at my knees so i hated himā āno one is allowed to steal buttchin from meā jiao was way up there. surely a woman can have multiple personality traits and yet you would think from this drama that that is not at all true. and the strange harem that grew around li lianhua despite his absolute loser attitudeā like i get it, heās the gintoki of this show, thatās hot, but the way the women who were into him were written made me want to Eat Horse. it bothered me that di feisheng and lianhuaās homo as fuck dynamic was so intriguing and them + fang duobing was a winning trio but all the women in the show were written like complete fucking ass, and one of the big antagonists being a woman, the stakes throughout were not only lost to me but also Pissed Me Off. also, that case about the corpse flowers dragged on forever and all my pocky wilted
I Just Think, women deserve better in these damn stories. make them slutty as hell, sure, but make them other things too and i mean this in the most generous sense. slutty and proud. slutty and weird. slutty and oblivious. literally anything at all so they donāt come out cardboard flat from all angles. this is why i have a personal vendetta against the ditzy clueless female protagonist as well because if everything stems from the fact that she doesnāt know shit itās like please someone Please tell her shit iām on my hands and knees begging. give her more to chew on sheās dying of boredom over there
this is why i liked the so called antagonist of blossoms in adversity best (spoilers ahead). he was cruel as hell to huazhi and gu yanxiās only parental figure. he was paranoid and selfish and lonely and craved a sonās love from the one person he couldnāt hold onto. in the end he is pushed further and further by huazhi, who wonāt give in, to isolate yanxi from the people he loves and to lash out at those people as a way of punishing yanxi. and when he dies itās because of his own distrust, his own negligent parenting, his absent cruelty from decades of insomnia and lack of faith in his people. but he cries for yanxi, and thereās something so human about that. to think of evil not as a first principle but rather an adjective for a verb that is set in motion by other events. to be honest, i havenāt seen such thoughtful writing in any chinese period drama before or after that and i strongly suspect i will never see such writing again in this genre but man, it was so fucking good (spoilers end).
in the meantime, iāve dragged my mother to moyuyunjian/the double for the return casting of liu xiening and wang xingyue who are Eating so hard. theyāve got wang xingyue done up with the sluttiest makeup and liu xiening is breaking my heart with her pout and her Sassy Mean constitution and this is a revenge story, yes, but itās a double revenge story. itās a grief story. and fangfei is carrying more on her shoulders than lingbuyi imo, and doing so with much more grace too. her step momās a dick but sheās a smart, 5d chess playing dick who wears hot shades of green so iām personally interested enough to keep watching (something lotus casebook DID NOT accomplish with their epic female antagonistā¦. mein gotte). and the princess too. unhinged as hell but god, so charismatic. and beautiful, with scary big eyes and the sweetest head tilt. fun fun fun! thatās fun character writing right there. the comedy might be too straightforward for my tastes but everything else is kind of hot and sexy And after the coming of age ceremony when jiangli appeared amidst the flowers i felt my throat close up even though we saw her for all of one (1) episode). i was like yes. they got me alright. i Care now
really thatās all that matters isnāt it. we want stories about people we care for. we want to give a shit. why else would we listen to the stories of other people. we are looking for us and the people we love in them
oh also moyuyunjian soundtrack goes hard as hell i love a little three step waltz. hereās a pic from the āgymā for ur time. guten night
#gelmo#i get so. i get so angry when women write ass female characters like fr ur kicking urself in the crotch rn#you can be innocent/clueless about The World and still be so compelling#thinking about guxiang from word of honor. she was goofy and oblivious but she also had Teeth#and she was strong! and had opinions and stuff#so important to have opinionsā¦.. especially in the pre internet age#i hage so many more thoughts on this topic but i took melatonin which should knock me out so#this is not a well organized argumentative essay this is just me yapping in an empty room#but yeah i was disappointed at lotus casebook. particularly given its high as fuck reviews#reviews? i mean ratings. and stellar reviews or whatever#also the ending (sans 24 episodes of context granted) was ASS i was like ??? itās over ??? surely not#idk it didnāt work for me. glad it worked for some other homies. fang duobing let me rescue u and the dog from this shit ass story#anywayā¦ā¦ā¦.. i have been unable to listen to english language music in some weeks now#this is quite major for me. given my 2 year indie folk phase. but i need a break from america and the ideological west at large#no more taylor bidenā¦. justin kahanā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦#just my chinese drama insert songs nct 127ās sixth album WALK and jacky cheung#itās true i keep landing myself in these spots where iām sick of america and iām sick of singapore so how are my friends (from these two#countries) supposed to approach me. well the answer is they are not the country but itās trhe i am in one of those weird holes right now#glad iāll be leaving in august briefly! watch me go. awooooo
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this is winfred listening to bellara talk
#OOC.#also emmrich.#book smart people be like gbjbsd#in other news i have never been as disappointed as i am today#i'm quitting work dnd after all. no words on what happened today.#so i'll just be distracting myself.#da4 spoilers#veilguard spoilers
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll āgrow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a āproblemā my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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#here's some of the classics on that list i have beef with btw:#i have tried to read A Confederacy of Dunces several times and it's funny but it's also so cringe and Ignatius is so obnoxious#that i find it too difficult to finish like i just feel depressed and bad for everybody around him too much#i tried reading Infinite Jest like a decade ago and i got like 200 pages in and i remember thinking it felt like#such a slog the entire time because he's just so gd wordy and also i stopped liking DFW after i heard the abuse allegations against him#frankenstein i didnt read that long ago but i just remember finding it so boring for some reason?? i feel i might need to read it again#dracula ngl i feel like im cheating a bit saying ive completely read it because i loved the beginning and then HATED so much of the rest#the characters were just so boring and melodramatic hahaha i just liked the part where jonathan was doing a travel diary#and trapped in the castle tbh and after that i skimmed quite a bit#i almost flipped my shit when i saw ender's game on there because I ALWAYS mix it up with ready player one by ernest cline#which i bought the audiobook of a while back and hated every minute of it i dont think its good at all#but it wasnt that so phew my faith in this list is somewhat restored#i read most of the first game of thrones book and was disappointed tbh maybe because id seen the show already#so i was like 'this feels almost exactly the same except worse?' because i'd been expecting it to give me more depth and insight#into the characters but instead it felt exactly the same and i still didnt love any of the characters enough to feel attached to them#also i am fully aware me not personally liking or vibing with a book doesnt mean it doesnt deserve to be considered great btw#but i think if youre gonna be like me and force yourself to go through a bunch of lists like this very seriously then you also need to just#let yourself be like 'yeah not for me' without feeling too bad about it sometimes too#often times i dont particularly love the classics or 'important books' but at the same time#i still feel like im getting more out of reading them than just grabbing the newest hyped up books that also dont do anything for me#maybe not in a 'wow i loved reading this' way but in like a#'i now have first-hand knowledge of this thing that is so influential / so frequently referenced'#or 'this challenged me and i feel like i did a mental/emotional workout or gave me some new food for thought'#or 'made me more aware of what gaps in my knowledge and reading skills and what my tastes are too'#sort of way...#it really just depends on what you're reading for and why and what you're hoping to get out of it a lot of the time maybe#it's like the homework i give myself to go through these lists that i also intersperse with the stuff i read more just for fun#p
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The more I go through business grad school, the more I realize I don't belong and belong in a more creative field
But, idk how stable the creative fields are right now, so I'm in business school trying desperately to fit in yet not????
:////
#personal#like you can't get me to like a*i art and writing you just can't and I won't#yet everyone is using it bc business school majors have no soul it's true#so how am I out here trying to be an ethical business person???#like some of the people I meet are okay enough#but then idk there are just awkward pauses bc the connection just quite isn't there????#like I'm trying I really am#but idk#and then with the classes it's just :/#and yet it seems like everyone is having such a breeze with everything meanwhile I'm floundering trying to find myself????#and idk what to do if I drop out?#disappoint my family some more is what hahahaha OTL
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something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.
#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love#what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it#why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties#of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often#so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk#and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore#i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them#. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec#but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd#but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE.#OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL.#and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness#but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart.#this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it#that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too#and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch#now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it.#because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do#something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope#and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude#this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post#ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting#all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever
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Shitstorm of a day
#Person I was working with today broke down and cried#I broke down and cried#I'm just so pissed and disappointed#Ppl act like we're not giving our all and hold things against us that they have no right to#We can't help that our backgrounds are just different#And we're in this program to make up for our shortcomings of not having direct plant experience#Like we are here for a reason it's not just for shits and giggles#And the me that goes into these plants is a different me than the one at home#Because I am going into a place with the intent to do work and absorb as much information as possible#So I'm sorry if I don't ask you about your home life when I'm being paid to learn the process and how plants differ#I'm trying to do my job and most of that is ask questions about the process and how things are done#I'm not here to unnecessarily take up your time and shoot the breeze with everybody#I tell myself that otheelr ppls opinion of me doesn't matter but have I been failing this whole time#Do most ppl think I'm too shy to do any job in the future properly#I'm not always this quite but I just don't like spending my time unproductively#I was told that this was the time to sell myself and show the plat a that I mean business#But has it all been for naught? Are they just taking this 2d impression of me and writing me off?#I fuckin can't right now#Can't believe I'm crying over this after I promised myself to do better by myself and say fuck em if other ppl don't like me#I just don't have the strength to deal with this rn
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Me taking a week to get my shit together to apply for a new job:
#gif#oh didnt think i would make a new kids on the block reference? well well well i contain multitudes#i dont actually listen to them and didnt learn about this song until i was in my 20s for a drag number#we did not do this move tho and gotta say i am disappointed#but i really did just sing step by step to myself because i emails One Person#to be fair it is taking more than i thought to get myself the bravery to try and leave a job i been at 10yrs#but i feel safe because NOBODY wants my job. nobody ever picks up the shift. in 10 yrs. ten. years. nobody. not once.#so like i feel quite powerful ngl#but like im also aware that it will be a shock to work with people again in the day where i cant go to a basement to scream#idk im scared its scary and im just a baby.#but its also like a really complex mix of anxiety and excitement and anticipated disappointment and embarassment bc like#if i dont get the job eveeryone knows and its like fuck yanno? it has the energy of trying to say goodbye to someone and walk away but#then they walk the same direction.#yah anyway i dont wanna do anything rn. im already embarrassed that i went looking for a gif of this just for this please leave me be#were i to have a tombstone i reckon all it would say on it is āName years born-died. How embarrassing was that?ā
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#I can't stop thinking about the parallels between Eden and Kalpas#Was it done on purpose? At times it doesn't feel like it#At times it feels more that instead of very conscious and intently weitten like that it was more a coincidence#derivative from the recurring themes and parallels in ideas roles character and situations that thread all the Flame Chasers together#and make of them a cohesive whole#But wow the parallels bwtween Eden and Kalpas specifically are so good#I've been thinking about them for days sometimes quite intensely#I haven't even reached that part of the story yet and still here I am#At this point the actual development of the story and the writing of these details is bound to disappoint me#It shines so beautifully in my mind and with such a particular glow#Like one of those cups or calices made our of seashells#I talk too much#I can't believe an idol and an alien are all I've been thinking of for hours now#Normally alien and idol are tropes I couldn't care less for#Yet somehow I'm invested#And somehow I am very invested in this lame ass man#I can't believe I initially disliked and found kind of disgusting then got very fond of a man with white hair with black details#and something over his face that has a lot of anger issues but is sort of very gentle in his wayā#fact that shows not only in his behaviour but even his preferences and hobbies#but nonetheless he is quite shy and detached from people with a few exceptionsā a pink haired woman his closest most trusted person#and sort of friend but not quite but also deeper than that at the same time#And this has happened twice#I can't see Guzm.a without seeing Kalpas now and the other way round#They both sit the same wayā wear short sleeved jackets over a t-shirt with a wide necklineā both are obsessed with destruction#and breaking things and the sound they make while doing thatā both screan rude things all the timeā#both find pretty much everyone stupid and annoying both share a feeling of alienation and unbelonging#Both take care of a bunch of kids in a way#Guz.ma's ending in the manga may be my favourite writing in the whole history of Pokemo.nā and N exists!#Otto/Kalpas situation tbh I can't stand myself#Get a grip look at that very well written character with all the traits and thematic you most enjoy. What are you doing with this guy
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CAMBRIAN: I miss card games :( ):
#quoth the thief#I am playing online solitaire#it is not the same#honestly I amā¦disappointed#I miss the feeling of it#cold metal sliding over itself in my hands#the almost inaudible little noise it makes as they brush against each other#deadly and yet so elegant#so beautiful#there was an artistry to it#whether for combat or merely for entertainment#the fluid little performance of the shuffle#the draw#I always did Know which card it was#even when I couldnāt Know I knew#the deck an extension of my very soul#a piece of me I cannot quite trust myself to hold#given into the care of course of the only person I would ever believe reliable enough#I wonder if xey know the way they carry my heart physically as well ast metaphorically#I wonder when my hands will be steady enough to deal once more#I#I really miss my cards
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eh maybe iāll calm down n enjoy the rest of ds3 tomorrow. i FUCKING doubt it tho L M A O
#im trying to compare it to how i felt at this point in the game for ds1 and ds2#ive just defeated dancer. so thatās .. roughly halfway ig ?#roughly halfway thru 1 i was enjoying myself and looking forward to the rest of the game#halfway thru 2 i was in the same position but enjoying myself even more#but with this one .. im confused. im not having as much fun as i should be#the routes are all quite confusing and im spending so much time going āwhere tf am iā that im not enjoying it properly#and that bothers me cause i really wanna like this game. i wanna like it sooooo bad#but overall .. itās jst nowhere near the levels of 1 & 2 for me#i will say tho the music is very good tho. great music#but a lot of other factors r lacking for me#im disappointed. im jst disappointed by it honestly#itās u guys fault tho u hyped tf outta this game. u made me think it was made of solid gold#plum plays dark souls 3
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So
#i have so many things going on in life right now#but i feel like i'm not doing good enough#uni stuff is starting to pile up once again#which was to be expected honestly š
#and i am very well aware that exams or presentations are not that important or grades...#there are more important things to life obviously and it's not really worth it loosing your head over#yet i kind of am#one problem is i knew but i didn't start to prepare earlier which lead to much stress and i had like barely any time last weekend#why is that? i kind of never learn from my mistakes i guess š¤¦āāļø but also my mistakes never really hurt me#actually i have very decent grade quite a good average and a rather high number of credits already#i never once failed any course at uni despite my last minute studying often even with good grades#guess i have a talent for that but it doesn't make my life easier also#but i also try very hard despite when i realize that there's a chance i could fail i use every minute i have left#it's also not that i never prepare on time sometimes i do asignments very early or did so for a few exams#it's just that i know i can get away with it unfortunately#well today i had a presentation which i couldn't prepare as well for because i started too late#it didn't go too well i couldn't wing it as good as i hoped for#it was kind of embarassing but people will forget about it anyway so i'm not too worried#and it wasn't a total disaster at least i don't hope so if i failed the class the professor surely would have told me#i just feel disappointed in myself but also mistakes happen#and it's not just that...
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You should be (afraid)
Batfamily x Neglected! Reader
Author's note: This IS the last chapter, damn....Thank God, the next one shot is one I am excited for but babes that gonna have to wat till tomorrow. Imagine Y/n's clothes like this and this but instead of red, it is green. ( yes im an ATLA fan and yes it its inspired by Azula)
Warnings: Language?
Part 1 // Part 2
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You double-checked your hair as you looked in the mirror. The day had come when you would only be known as Y/n Al Ghul, heir to the Demon Head and future Leader of the League of Assassins. It was difficult to grasp if you were quite honest. Per your request, the League had changed headquarters. Nanda Parbat was no longer safe so you had advised of getting one of the old abandoned cities of the League and turning the temple into headquarters with the rest of the city becoming a safe place for all of the servants and assassins. It was surrounded by water and walls with constant surveillance, meaning that no one could get in or out without people knowing. You were never going to forget the day that you came back, the surprise on your grandfather's face as you got to your knees and pledged allegiance to the League. He wasn't convinced at first but came around as you solidified your loyalty. You were no longer a Wayne like Damian. You were an Al Ghul
// "Leave us." Ras's voice carried out across the room. Your mother looked at you and gave you a reassuring nod before she left. As the room emptied, you were starting to feel nervous. Was this the right decision or were you too impulsive? "Explain to me, once again, child. Why are you here?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. You summon all of the courage you had in your body and stand up. "I came to reclaim my birthright as the rightful heir to the Demon Head," I said, trying my best to keep my voice steady. "Is that so? Why the change of heart?" I hesitated to answer and he saw right through me. His knowing smirk gave it away. "Tired of being part of the birds and the Bats it seems. It is very curious how only one came back. You and your brother were inseparable. Should I expect a visit from him as well? To rescue his sis-" "No." I interrupted him and he seemed taken back "No?" "I was never part of theirā¦team. My brother formed great loyalty and attachment to them, but I did not. Theyā¦" "Go on" "They rejected me the day I arrived, yet accepted my brother. I have been forgotten, ignored, and cast aside from the moment that I became present in that household. I only hold care for one of them and even he wasn't enough to make me stay." Ras stayed quiet for a moment. "So what my daughter has been telling me is correct after all. It wasn't just that she missed you. Well, then. Let me make you a proposition. You have three months to make me believe you are capable of being my heir. If you succeed, you will begin training solely for the purpose of being my successor. Were you to not prove yourself, you would leave at once. Have I made myself clear, child?" Ras never was one for empty threats and promises, so all she could do was nod. "You are dismissed. Tell your mother to meet me here. We have a few things to discuss" he dismissed you, "Oh and child?" You looked towards him hopefully. "It is good one of you came back to your senses. Don't disappoint me" And thus began the most excruciating three months of your life. //
You were surprised at how well you had adjusted to the League after coming back. Sure, those three months were harsh, but they weren't bad. You were thankful that you picked up a demanding sport such as ice skating. You weren't sure how you'd survive otherwise. Your mother would spar with you any time she visited so your skills weren't too rusty. After sharpening what had been there once again, which had taken you a month and a half, you were able to take assassins from the highest of ranks. Once your grandfather was satisfied, thus began your preparation for a leader. You were a natural. Your role was to follow your grandfather, grant him counsel, and even take part in some of the decision-making processes. Once, your grandfather had even gotten close to saying he was proud. Even went to say (in between the lines of course) that you had been able to surpass your brother in preparation. Since then, you understood that you no longer lived in Damian's shadow. A year had passed soon and your grandfather had announced that we would have a special coronation where you would be proclaimed as Heir.
That brought us here, to your coronation day. Your armor was specifically made to tailor you and your comfort for battle. Your hair, which had gotten quite long, was pulled into an intricate braid so that your face would be visible. You felt strong and that brought a smile to your face.
"You look radiant, my dear" you hear your mother say from behind you. "Thank you, Mother" You responded as she stood in front of you and caressed your face tenderly.
"Ma'am, you have some visitors" A voice was heard from outside the door. One of your assistants went to open the door and lo and beholdā¦your family was there.
They entered slowly, one by one. Each suited up. "Beloved, those are not ceremonial robes" your mother reprimanded Damian, but he wasn't focused on her. He was focused on you.
"So, it is true then, sister," Damian asked feeling the air leave his chest. You were there, but it wasn't you. It couldn't be you. You were soft, kind, gentle, and tame, and you never raised your voice, you were you and this wasn't you. You looked stronger that's for sure. He wouldn't be surprised if their grandfather was injecting something into you. You looked like a member, no, scratch that, you looked like the heir. From the way you stood, with a sight upward til in your head, to the way you dressed. There was a sharpness in your eyes that told him that Ras had not been soft in your teachings.
"What is, Robin," you asked steadily. Gone was the girl who cried over her lost brother. Damian wouldn't admit it but he was hurt. Hearing you call him by his alias so coldly stung in ways he couldn't imagine.
"You truly are becoming the next Head of the Demon, Y/n?" This time the question came from Dick. The last months have been hell for all of them after the shock of your departure. It was as if someone had splashed all of them with a bucket of cold water and brought them back to reality. They had all visited your room at least once, would continually watch your ice skating videos, and would look at footage of you in the manor from the last years. They had desperately searched for a semblance of you in the entirety of the manor.
"Yes. What's it to you, Nightwing?" She responded once again coldly.
"Alfred misses you," It was Jason who spoke up this time. It was jarring to see the girl he once treated as his precious princess following the footsteps of someone so wretched.
"At least someone does. I couldn't visit because of my training. Once the ceremony is finalized, I will have more time and I will visit him" "So you will visit us at the manor-" "I will visit Alfred only. I have no other reason to do so," She interrupted Tim, with a heated gaze.
"What about your dreams of becoming a professional, (nickname)? It was all you ever wanted, you worked so hard for that. We all know, we all saw. This is not wh-"
"What do you know of me, Damian? What do any of you know about me?! We both arrived at the same. Time. And it appeared as if only you were there! Everyone favored you over me and why? Because you were fucking Robin and I wasn't? I tried to reach out. I invited you everywhere, I searched for you all everywhere, I asked and asked and the only thing that I ever received in return was disdain and silence. I only wanted to be loved, LOVED DAMIAN! What you got and I didn't! And if I tried to speak out, I was hushed because I had to be understanding of your processes. I WAS A CHILD HONED AS A WEAPON TOO. I went through everything you did too! And did any of you ever recognize that? NO! You stopped knowing me the moment you forgot you had a twin. You stopped knowing me when I came back and all of you were celebrating OUR birthday as if it was only you. You lost me the moment that you preferred seeing Jon over watching me compete at Nationals. You lost me when you left to see the Titans and I had to find out weeks later. You lost me when you decided that the love they gave you was yours alone and that I didn't deserve a fraction of it." She ranted and with her every word, Damian took a step back.
"You were always out training or with your friends-"
"Don't try to pin this on me, Damian Wayne. You all pushed me away." Y/n scoffed. "I invited you here because you are my mother's son. Not because I wanted you here. They were invited cordially because they are your family. Don't mistake my act of respect as an act of love."
"There are other ways, Y/n" Batman tried to intervene. Even if it didn't show, Bruce was hurting. He was deeply ashamed and disappointed at how things had turned out.
A bell sounded, signaling the beginning of the ceremony. Y/n straightened her back and turned towards her mother, a small smile present in her face. That smile, as much as it softened everyone's hearts, hardened the moment she turned to them,
"Batman, Red Hood, Nightwing, Red Robin, I will only say this once. I lack the care and mercy my grandfather and mother seem to have for you, with the small exception of Alfred and my brother. I will take this mantle. I will become the Heir to the Demon Head and I will be the next Leader of the League of Assassins. Those are facts that you will have to deal with. If you are here to cause a commotion, then I suggest you leave. I will not tell my assassins to hold back on their ways. If you'd like to stay, so be it. Enjoy the festivity. Have it very clear. I want all of you out. Of. My. Way. once I am the head. This is my birthright and I want it to have nothing with all of you." She started looking at Batman dead in the eye. "Nothing."
"My lady, everyone is expecting you" Came a voice from outside.
"Well, then. Let's go dear. You wouldn't want to have your grandfather waiting would you? Destiny awaits" said Talia as she ushered Y/n out of the room. She never spared a glance at the five men standing in front of her.
That day, they all watched from the sidelines as their sister was proclaimed Heir. Damian had failed and he was going to make sure he NEVER failed again. He was going to do everything in his power to fix the bridges that had been burnt with his sister. As much as Bruce wanted to reassure Damian that everything would be okay, he couldn't. It became clear to him that from now on when interacting with the League, they had to be extremely careful because his daughter could easily become as much an ally as she could be a formidable opponent. He never thought he'd say it but he was afraid of what his little girl could become.
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Author's note: YES!!! I FINISHED IN ONE NIGHT!!! YESSSSS LAWRD!!!! HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED!! PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK!! I WOULD LOVE LOVE LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU ALL SAY!! LIKE AND REPOST! BESITOSSS!!
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