#anyway……….. i have been unable to listen to english language music in some weeks now

[corpsentry]

there’s something so epic about hetero chinese period dramas and i think one part of it is that there is absolutely nowhere in the narrative i could exist.

lately i’ve been on a western media detox— i’ve cleaned english language music out of my playlists and have never been able to stomach western dramas anyway, so that part is easy— which might seem funny, because if i’m in singapore and i hate it and i won’t touch american music then what’s left? the answer is the false binarism of chinese period dramas, at least for me. the badly written ones are misogynistic and stupid and the better ones are less of those things, but regardless the world that emerges is clean-cut and easy to parse. there’s someone to root for and someone to hate. there’s a girl and a boy. there’s the comedy and the drama, the sheer thick drama, the music that signals to you precisely how to feel before the scene even starts going

try to jam a fifth culture transnational transgender they/them with 2 mental illness and 1 autoimmune disease into this world and it simply doesn’t work. and that’s kinda epic lolzers! it’s like watching high fantasy, or super hardcore sci-if. it both represents a simulacrum of the real world and is so far from the reality you know that you understand it as a hypothetical universe, one that disincludes you on principle. i exclude myself from the story and in doing so fangfei from moyuyunjian’s steely gaze becomes all the more important. i give so many shits and laugh and yell and spectate. but i am safe from the eyes of its inhabitants. if i entered the story it would break. so i sit outside of it, clapping by myself

in other news, we gave up on mysterious lotus casebook 16 episodes in. there are many character archetypes in these shows that i can no longer stand; the salacious sexy seductive supervillain lady is not necessarily one of them but the way they did miss ‘this man didn’t even Look at me when all men fall at my knees so i hated him’ ‘no one is allowed to steal buttchin from me’ jiao was way up there. surely a woman can have multiple personality traits and yet you would think from this drama that that is not at all true. and the strange harem that grew around li lianhua despite his absolute loser attitude— like i get it, he’s the gintoki of this show, that’s hot, but the way the women who were into him were written made me want to Eat Horse. it bothered me that di feisheng and lianhua’s homo as fuck dynamic was so intriguing and them + fang duobing was a winning trio but all the women in the show were written like complete fucking ass, and one of the big antagonists being a woman, the stakes throughout were not only lost to me but also Pissed Me Off. also, that case about the corpse flowers dragged on forever and all my pocky wilted

I Just Think, women deserve better in these damn stories. make them slutty as hell, sure, but make them other things too and i mean this in the most generous sense. slutty and proud. slutty and weird. slutty and oblivious. literally anything at all so they don’t come out cardboard flat from all angles. this is why i have a personal vendetta against the ditzy clueless female protagonist as well because if everything stems from the fact that she doesn’t know shit it’s like please someone Please tell her shit i’m on my hands and knees begging. give her more to chew on she’s dying of boredom over there

this is why i liked the so called antagonist of blossoms in adversity best (spoilers ahead). he was cruel as hell to huazhi and gu yanxi’s only parental figure. he was paranoid and selfish and lonely and craved a son’s love from the one person he couldn’t hold onto. in the end he is pushed further and further by huazhi, who won’t give in, to isolate yanxi from the people he loves and to lash out at those people as a way of punishing yanxi. and when he dies it’s because of his own distrust, his own negligent parenting, his absent cruelty from decades of insomnia and lack of faith in his people. but he cries for yanxi, and there’s something so human about that. to think of evil not as a first principle but rather an adjective for a verb that is set in motion by other events. to be honest, i haven’t seen such thoughtful writing in any chinese period drama before or after that and i strongly suspect i will never see such writing again in this genre but man, it was so fucking good (spoilers end).

in the meantime, i’ve dragged my mother to moyuyunjian/the double for the return casting of liu xiening and wang xingyue who are Eating so hard. they’ve got wang xingyue done up with the sluttiest makeup and liu xiening is breaking my heart with her pout and her Sassy Mean constitution and this is a revenge story, yes, but it’s a double revenge story. it’s a grief story. and fangfei is carrying more on her shoulders than lingbuyi imo, and doing so with much more grace too. her step mom’s a dick but she’s a smart, 5d chess playing dick who wears hot shades of green so i’m personally interested enough to keep watching (something lotus casebook DID NOT accomplish with their epic female antagonist…. mein gotte). and the princess too. unhinged as hell but god, so charismatic. and beautiful, with scary big eyes and the sweetest head tilt. fun fun fun! that’s fun character writing right there. the comedy might be too straightforward for my tastes but everything else is kind of hot and sexy And after the coming of age ceremony when jiangli appeared amidst the flowers i felt my throat close up even though we saw her for all of one (1) episode). i was like yes. they got me alright. i Care now

really that’s all that matters isn’t it. we want stories about people we care for. we want to give a shit. why else would we listen to the stories of other people. we are looking for us and the people we love in them

oh also moyuyunjian soundtrack goes hard as hell i love a little three step waltz. here’s a pic from the ‘gym’ for ur time. guten night

[ofmythsandmadness]

laughing like there’s any other answer (part two)

part two to ‘laughing like there’s any good reason to smile’.

SUMMARY - maybe he should have ignored the voices above his room. pretended he was sleeping, or out, or mysterious murdered and unable to acknowledge that she was back, drunk again, and still laughing. but alas, the heart wants what it wants and it rarely thinks things through.

WARNINGS - egregious usage of the word ‘toothpaste’ at one point, some foul language, the avoidance of a lot of questions. one mention of throwing up (but it’s v quick and literally just two words and we skate past it, nothing graphic). also, poor onomatopoeia usage, as though i wasn’t an english fanatic in high school. WORD COUNT - 3790. diego hargreeves x female insert.

A/N - this was meant to be just a quick happy writ. and now it’s a bittersweet (more bitter than sweet) mess that’s just making this story more complicated, haha. but it’s fine, she says, nervously laughing like she hadn’t just mucked up the singular happy piece she’s ever written.  i’m not sure how i’m doing, thanks for asking. :)

“IT’S ALL SO STUPID, DIEGO, BECAUSE PEOPLE COULD LIKE YOU.”

After the events of last week, Diego was certain he would never see her again.

Maybe he’d see her, but not her, her. Not the drunk-off-her-ass, mumbling about nonsense and threatening to throw herself out of cars woman, who laughed like she hadn’t a care in the world and called him really dumb, nonsensical nicknames for no reason at all. The one that he couldn’t get out of his head, no matter what he did; she haunted him even without being dead, and he was honestly impressed because that was a hard gift to master so fast.

 No, that was a rare sighting of a weird miracle - like a double rainbow, just way less exciting and hopeful.

But as the week progressed, he had not heard from her at all. She was a ghost. He couldn’t find her anywhere, not at least where she would normally be. Diego was certain she wasn’t dead, because he would have heard about that, but apart from the most morbid of options, he was out of clues as to where she could possibly be.

He had not been sure how he felt about that. At first, the absence of her presence was a nice break, and he could do as he pleased without any arguments  - but as the days went on and his dreams about the other night got stronger, he found himself curious. More than curious; worried. He didn’t want to have their last conversation be that bullshit.

“I like you, you know that?”

A week after they last spoke, and Diego was trying his very best to not care. It was a Tuesday, and Tuesdays were the days he ‘got off’. The stolen - ahem, borrowed - police scanner sat beside him, crackling every so often, but it didn’t say much more than the usual, professional bullshit that didn’t need his input on. He’d wait the night out, see if anything exciting happened, but he had a feeling it’d be a quiet night.

Diego stared at the punching bag in front of him, watching it sway every so gently. Sometimes he imagined a face on it, most times he didn’t, it was just fun to hit and slash. He probably shouldn’t, the little shits were expensive and Al hated his ass already, but-

THWANK.

To hell with it, anyways.

Two more knives joined their friends, quivering. But they didn’t stay long; Diego yanked them out of the soft flesh of the bag, groaning as he sank back down onto the chair. He threw them again, and then again, creating a sad pattern he often enjoyed after the work was done.

THWANK.

The silver metal glinted in the lamplight, cold and bright. The tip dug into the pad of his index finger; he ignored it and twirled the knife anyways.

THWANK.

An old song played in the back of his mind. He didn’t remember the words, but he remembered enough for it to be annoying as hell, repeating the few phrases over and over like a broken record. Diego tried to think of something else, replace the half-assed memory, and yet still the song played on. His only option was to try to listen to anything else, anything at all, but -

-THWANK.

It was quiet in the gym. The only people there were Al and himself, and neither were making much noise. He only knew the former was still there because of his groaning footsteps as he walked the worn wood above Diego’s head, and the occasional curse thrown out like a bullet towards nothing in particular. But the music of the daytime was gone, and with it had gone the hubbub of conversations, grunts and groans and whatever else atmospheric nonsense he normally got.

THWANK.

He didn’t like the quiet much. And he certainly did not like it then, with the stupid song stuck - why couldn’t he remember the name of it, or anything about it? Just a couple bars of an oldie he didn’t even like...some name with an ‘F’, maybe. A shithead singing out his poor heart for a love never returned back to him...why couldn’t there be any other song stuck?

Diego groaned and threw another knife. He poised another in his long fingers, twirling the handle without much thought before pulling back and -

“-what the hell don’t you get, huh?”

He froze. The knife fell from his hand; he fumbled to pick it up a second later, awkward and absent-minded. So focused on whatever Al was bitchin’ about then, he hardly realised he had squeezed too hard, and then-

“-OW!”

Diego roared with all the sound of a mouse, throwing himself off the chair and towards the small bathroom. The wound wasn’t deep, but it stung bright red and painful, scratching out his stupidness across his tender palm. He should have been more careful, he was always so careful with the things-

“-look...I know he’s here, mister!”

He paused again, scratch forgotten. That definitely was not Al.

“I don’t giv’a crap. We’re closed.”

“Uh...so why is this sign saying it’s open?”

“What - no, you just did that!”

Diego could scream. He would scream, if he wasn’t going to lose his job and home to Al’s pissed off ass - but he definitely, really wanted to, frustration bouncing around in his head like a toddler with a tantrum. Gone were all the thoughts of where Y/N was; all he could think about then, was stopping Y/N as soon as he possibly could.

He hurriedly wrapped gauze around his bleeding palm (which really didn’t do much, it just made the wound look worse) and left the bathroom. Taking the stair steps two at a time, it took him merely thirty seconds to get up to the main area.

“What the hell’s going on?” 

“Ah - see, I knew you had him hidden away somewhere!”

Al spun around and fixed his glare on Diego. “You know this lunatic?”

He sighed and nodded (not because he wanted to, but because he had to - there was no way she would walk away from this quietly). “Yeah, I know her. I’ll take care of it, Al.”

“You know, I put up with every single one of your stupid stunts, but I don’t appreciate-”

“-yeah, yeah, I know. I know,” Diego nodded, pretending to listen without hearing a single word of his boss’ speech. “I got it. C’mon.”

Y/N perked up then and stumbled over to him with the biggest smile he might have seen her ever wear in his whole life. If he wasn’t so pissed off…

“What happened to your hand, dear boy?”

He quickly retracted his grip, hiding the injured limb from her sight. “Nothin’.”

“Diego, I’m not stupid.”

“You sure? Cause turning up here, in the middle of the goddamn night on a Tuesday-”

-she yanked her arm away from his tight grip and carried on without him. Even as he protested and hurried behind her, somehow she remained faster, racing down the stairs with the grace of a newborn deer. All limbs and stumbles, but not a care in the world as she shouted something back at him he couldn’t quite catch.

“You can’t just be here.”

“And why not? I mean, you’ve shown up at my place without-”

“-that’s different.”

She stopped then and turned just as he reached her. Both chests heaved, and her eyes darted about his face as though piecing together a mosaic. He just watched her.

“And why is it different, my dainty...dear...Diego?”

“I...I-”

“-gotcha,” she whispered, before pushing the door in with a laugh. “Gotcha, ha - you just got beat by me - how does that feel? How does that feel?”

Diego groaned. “You’re an asshole.”

“And you’re a loser,” she crowed back. But her interest quickly strayed from him, eyes tracing the walls of the tiny space. “You know, I’ve never been here before.”

“Yeah, well-”

“-I like it! I was worried it’d suck total ass, but honestly, out of aaaall the guys’ rooms I’ve seen, this...this is pre-tty close to the top.”

He wasn’t sure whether to take it as a real compliment or not, but at least she didn’t seem interested in a response. It gave him the chance to head back into the bathroom and collect the gauze he had left all over the ground.

“Don’t you have,” he grunted, peeling off the fabric to reveal the sliced palm underneath, “work tomorrow?”

“Work, shmork.”

His teeth gritted. It wasn’t a bad cut, not at all - but it always had to be the shallowest that hurt the most. “Thought you were married to that shit.”

“We’re getting a divorce.”

“Holy shi-give a man a warning,” he retorted, stepping back as much as he could. Though, in the tiny bathroom, there wasn’t much of that - the backs of his legs hit the shower curtain, and she just looked on with a sloppy smile and lidded eyes. “How’d you move so quietly--”

She waved off his question and pushed into the tiny room. “You’re gonna make a mess, trying to deal with that. Let me, loser.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Tipsy. And I’ve got the hands of a surgeon, with or without,” she grinned, refusing even the slightest rebuttal in her triumphant claims. Without any hesitation, she reached for the bottle of peroxide and promptly poured it down his hand like it was water off a duck’s back. Her expression didn’t shift when Diego shouted in pain; she just kept up the swift work with his hand as her hostage.

“You’re a dick.”

“And you’re a little baby.”

“Rude.”

She stuck her tongue out his way.

“You don’t need to-ow,” he hissed, when the gauze tightened too far against his palm. “I could have done it, asshole.”

Y/N’s smile slipped a little at that, and for a moment she didn’t respond; her hands just worked the white bandages around his own, and pressed it together. Finally, once the task was done though, her eyes lifted to his again.

“Sometimes, we need the most help, even when we insist on the opposite.”

“What’s that s’posed to mean?”

She shrugged. “Dunno. I might have made it up. But it sounded real nice, didn’t it?”

Diego just nodded. 

“Can I…” her breath hitched, and somehow, she got even closer than before; he could make out every individual lash glint in the bathroom light, and the way her lips were swollen and a little bruised - he guessed from the constant worrying between her teeth. “Can I ask you a question, Diego?”

He nodded again. 

Her hand ever so lightly grazed over his own; fingers tracing up with the delicacy of a flower. “Do you…”

His breath caught in his throat. Gone were all the frustrations at her of before; all he could think about was her, on repeat in his mind like an EDM song, blaring her name as explosions echoed in the distance. Wasn’t it just seconds before, that she was torturing him with peroxide? Why couldn’t he think about anything but her eyes, and lips, the way she just -- 

“W-what?”

“Do you have any toothpaste?”

Diego blinked, then again, unsure if he had just misheard her. “What?”

“Toothpaste. Y’know, the shit ta clean your teeth?” Her head cocked, her eyes singing laughter, “don’t tell me those pearlies are magic-”

“-I have toothpaste - why the hell do you need toothpaste?”

Once more, she looked like she was in on a joke he just didn’t get. “To brush my teeth with...duh. You think I’m just gonna scrub my tongue with a plain toothbrush? Jeez, Diego, how-”

-he cut her off with a grunt that really didn’t sound like any word in the English language and swung past. In the back of his head, he was murdering his subconscious and wishing the idiot would stop acting for itself.  “Here,” he said, passing her the tube. “Knock yourself out.”

Y/N’s smile grew wider. “Kinky. But I’d rather just brush my teeth.”

“Jes-what does that even mean?!”

Diego, sadly, would never find out. He was left to simply watch her cross the room again, brandishing the tube with great pride in search of her purse - “I threw up on the way here,” she explained, “and I had my toothbrush, but no toothpaste! And I remembered, Diego has nice teeth, and obviously toothpaste is a necessity, so he must have toothpaste! I think that’s why I told the guy to drop me here, actually.”

“There - you know you’re making no sense, right?”

She shrugged, swooping past where he still stood again. She pulled a toothbrush out of its thin black case and started applying his toothpaste. He watched her, unsure what to do as she took over his bathroom and mumbled through an intense brushing session. Before he could even try to understand her, though, he realised something.

“Do you just carry around a toothbrush, wherever you go?”

Her motions paused for a second before resuming. It was so quick, a normal person would have just skipped right over it, but Diego gripped tight to maybe his only clue towards his personal investigation as to ‘what the hell she was doing there, and why’.

“I - I mwearn,” she paused, spitting out and resuming her brushing, “I dwown’t arwawys - swowry, wone swec.”

He waited.

“Sorry. I was saying, I don’t always have a toothbrush on me, but I did today, I had to pick up my stuff and I guess I just left this little guy in my bag. Which was lucky, right?”

Diego ignored her end question and pressed on. “Where were you picking up your stuff from? You’re moving?”

“Oh, ha - no, nothing like that. Just from a friend.” With a snap, the toothbrush had returned to its case and she was yet again pushing right past. That time, though, Diego followed.

“A friend?”

“You do know the definition of that word, right? I can-”

“-a friend that makes you get wasted after visiting with?”

Y/N pushed herself up her leaning, hands clutched tight to her tiny bag. Her smile still remained, but it wasn’t the easy one of just moments before; it was strained, forced onto unwilling cheeks like a suit of armour.

“I’m not wasted, dear, dapper, Diego. Far from it. If I was wasted, I’d be so much stupider than I am right now. I mean, I can-”

“-this the same friend from last week, too?”

“What? What are you-” Y/N swallowed. Her eyes slipped from his to her purse, watching her hands scrabble at the silver handle like it was her last lifeline. “Are you - I don’t get this routine, dude. I just needed toothpaste! I hate bad breath, don’t you?”

Diego stepped over and grabbed her hands in his uninjured one, pausing the frantic picking at the bag. It dropped with a solemn thud; neither looked down to it. 

“What was that for?” She asked, quiet that time.

“You’re not here cause you needed toothpaste.”

“Do you want me to reimburse you for it? Cause I think I might have a dime somewhere, I don’t know how much you want but I’ll pay you back for the tiny, TINY amount of your precious paste I used.”

Diego groaned. For a moment, that flash of frustration flared up again and he was tempted to give up this at all. But it was easily quelled when he looked up again, seeing the worried look she badly covered up with a smile.

“Why’re you here, Y/N?”

“What d’y…” her bottom lip was tugged up into the grasp of her hungry teeth; they worried and nibbled without relief. “D’you want me to go?”

“No. No, I don’t want you to go.”

“Then just let it be, darling,” she sang softly, “and let’s let the toothpaste incident die.”

“No, cause…” his hand pressed softly into her palm, intertwining their fingers with a gentleness he himself didn’t know he possessed. “This is the second time now, you’ve come or called me after getting drunk off your ass, which really isn’t your style. I mean, you’re a freakin’ workaholic. It’s a Tuesday night. You’d be fast asleep right now.”

Her eyes shifted to just behind him, avoiding his soft stare. “You been stalking me or somethin’, my dear?”

“No, but I know you. You’re too caught up in making sure everyone thinks you’re Miss Perfect to be late for shit. Let alone hungover.”

“Well…” she sighed, a sad little sound that barely echoed from her own lips. She seemed to contemplate his words, tossing them over before throwing them away and moving right along.  “You really think of me like that? You think everyone does?”

Diego frowned. “Like what?”

“Miss Perfect? Miss - miss -” her hand grew a little clammy in his grasp; she was getting nervous, and he supposed the alcohol wasn’t helping. “-you think of me as a stick in the mud, Diego? I’m not interesting or exciting, just a plain Jane who-”

“-I think you’re fascinating,” he murmured, even without thinking. He almost regretted the words the second they slipped from his mouth; her gaze snapped to his, wide-eyed and confused, and he could just see the cogs working behind her head. He wasn’t even sure where the words came from, or why they had - he hadn’t thought about anything past getting our where she was, and yet…

“You don’t even like me.”

Diego sighed and held her hand a little tighter. His injured palm came to rest over them, squeezing even with the twinge of pain. “Course I like you. You said that last week.”

“Did I?” She laughed, but it was shrill and pitiful. A mere shell of the glorious sounds that had filled his car days prior; if he hadn’t pressed every sound to his memory permanently, he’d have never known she was the same person. “I - doesn’t sound like me. Are you pulling my leg, Diego?”

He ignored her awkward question, pressing on. “That was the first time I’ve ever heard you laugh. You know that? And we’ve known each other for a while.”

“I’ve laughed before, dummy.”

“That’s - those - those’re bullshit laughs, professional garbage,” he responded, each word growing a little bit stronger. “I heard you laugh your ass off to nothing at all in my car last week, and it was be...n-nice. That’s the shit I know that’s real. Not this game you’re playin’ with yourself.”

Y/N still wouldn’t look at him, no matter how he pressed against her hand, or stared her down. Her eyes rested on a space past him, but they grew sadder by the second, losing that little spark of drunken happiness she had forced to build before. 

“The Y/N I know,” Diego continued, made bold by a feeling he didn’t recognise, “doesn’t take shit from anybody. You don’t think twice; you just do. You trust your gut and it’s almost always right. Sure, sometimes you screw up, but…”

“...not sometimes, dear. Always.”

“No, not-”

“-dear me, I don’t know why I came here,” she muttered, and within a single pull, she was free and pushing away from him. “Sorry, Diego, I mean - it’s a Tuesday! You’ve got your little black-leather Batman fantasy and I’ve got work tomorrow. You know, I’ve been prepping for this meeting and it’s going to be good, I just need to finish those blasted points…”

She rattled on about nothing at all, repeating phrases and half-mumbling the words as she gathered her dropped belongings up. Her jacket, the bag that had fallen between them before, and something he couldn’t quite catch that had slipped out with it.

And Diego, stupidly, just watched.

“You be careful, okay? And-” she paused then, swaying ever so slightly in the windless room, “-just watch yourself. It’s a shitty world, and I can’t have the one person that - that - well, I don’t know where I’m going with this thought, it’s going to stop now. Ha...yeah, no. Just be safe, and make sure you get your six to nine hours or whatever bull...shit…” A sob ended the sentence, soft and sad and joined right after by a loud sniffle.

Diego still watched in silence.

“I know you don’t like me,” she muttered, voice growing raspy from presumably, tears building behind shitty defenses, “and that’s okay. But I...I appreciate you putting up with me. You’re a good guy, Diego. And that’s good. That’s nice. I think you might just be the last goddamn nice guy in this whole city...hm. Should get you a medal, or something. That’d make a good t-shirt…”

He watched her cross and head up the stairs, staggering on one but regaining her balance quickly. And just as she opened the door-

“-you can’t go home by yourself.”

Y/N stopped still and took in his words. She nodded slowly. “Sure...you’re...um, yeah. I’ll call my si...or...my friend, she’s at my place so...uh-huh.”

“C’mon, I’ll just-”

“-you’ve done enough for me tonight, dear,” she smiled, and he could just make out the glint of a tear on her cheek. “Let’s see if your boss won’t do me a favour, too.”

“Y/N.”

She mock-glared, though the expression wasn’t held long. “Diego - see, I can do that too.”

“Let me take you home.”

“This is good, trust me. I’ll...she has my car, so I’ll just call it in. I’ll be gone in four shakes of a scout’s tail, or…that’s not right.” She smiled. “Doesn’t matter. Thanks for the toothpaste, darling boy.”

“B-be safe...”

“I will,” she promised, still smiling like there was any reason to. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to waste anymore of your time, not going to make you have to save me...yeah. See you, Diego.”

She shut the door then, leaving him alone in the heavy silence.

Moments later, he heard the familiar voices above him again.

“Sir, sorry, if you don’t mind…”

“Great Scott, girl - did he do this to you?!”

“Oh, Diego? No, he’s a lovely boy and he was actually being very sweet, I just...I was just thinking about my grandma, and I...I need to make a call?”

The conversation continued, with Al trying his best to console Y/N, and her repeating - even on the phone - that she would be just fine, and that ‘she was awfully sorry for her behaviour, she’s not really the sort to play such sad pranks but desperate times called for bad measures’. Eventually, then, the voices faded, with her wishing him a cheery goodbye and footsteps clunking against the ceiling.

And it was only as her steps died into silence and the door clanged shut, that Diego unfroze from his standing position and realised what a deep, deep, ‘idiot’s only’ grave he had just dug for himself.

[dexondefense]

Could you please feed us some beautiful Snowy/Tater hcs? 😔🙏

ALWAYS. I mean you sent this to me a few days ago so I guess the real answer is ABOUT ONCE A WEEK. So anyway here’s some more headcanons about this rarepair couple that I’m obsessed with.

I’ve said it before but Snowy regularly puts on Russian subtitles for Tater when they’re watching a movie. Tater can understand English just fine but sometimes it’s nice to not have to think, especially when they’re watching it late at night. It takes Tater a while to realize that Russian subtitles don’t come standard on most movies in the US and that Snowy is purposefully searching for and ordering movies with them. He never says anything about it though and Tater is never sure how to thank him for it. 

Tater is pretty much fluent in three languages; Russian, English, and Ukrainian. His Serbian is pretty good, he can read it better than he can speak it. His French is pretty bad but he can roughly understand some of Marty and Jack’s conversations. Snowy can barely remember how to say hello or goodbye in anything other than English. Tater likes to joke that sometimes he forgets that too. 

Snowy is incredibly impressed by Tater’s multilingualism and sometimes when he’s relaxed/drunk enough he tells him so.

This isn’t SUPER long but I still feel bad so it’s going under a cut.

Tater has taught Snowy the wrong words in Russian multiple times for his own amusement, but feels so guilty he has to correct him after less than a day. Snowy can always tell when Tater is lying to him but he has so much fun with it that Snowy just goes along with it. 

On the flipside Tater also likes to pretend he doesn’t know what a word in  English means, or purposefully messes something up to make it sound dirty. It’s one of Snowy’s favorite things in the entire world to watch the rest of the team scramble to try to tell Tater -who fully understands what he’s saying- why he shouldn’t say Marty got ‘eaten out’ by the press while Tater acts completely innocent and insists he doesn’t know why that’s wrong. 

Snowy isn’t much of a talker unless you know him well, and then he can ramble like no one’s business. Tater loves to listen to him talk on and on, especially when he’s kind of tired and he knows that Snowy is talking more to himself than anyone else so Tater can just sort of zone out to the sound of Snowy’s accent and just feel content knowing he’s there. 

Snowy likes to sing to himself when he thinks no one can hear. This usually means around his apartment by himself but occasionally in the shower on roadies. He’s not great but he’s also not bad either. Tater had a full existential crisis the first time he heard Snowy singing softly from the shower on the roadie and ever since then he’s been trying to think of a way to convince Snowy to sing for him, but also a little afraid that he’ll actually fall apart completely if he does.

Speaking of music their tastes differ wildly and they have to compromise with a VERY strange playlist when they’re in the car together. There’s something unsettling about hearing ABBA back to back with Alice in Chains. Or at least there is if you’re Poots. If you’re Jack you’re probably barely aware music is happening. 

When Poots and Jack join the team, Snowy latches on pretty quickly to Poots while Tater obviously starts hanging out with Jack. The four of them together are pretty chaotic foursome, but separate are more of a problem. 

Snowy is trying his best not to be jealous of Jack and Tater because he knows he’s being ridiculous but it’s difficult when Jack is Jack and Snowy has always been a little aggressive. Also Snowy has always quietly prided himself on being the smart one of the team. But now Jack is here and Jack has a degree and Snowy basically finished high school on a technicality to pass him into the AHL and he’s still trying to deal with that. 

Tater thinks Snowy is the smartest guy he’s ever met. 

One time Tater checked Poots so hard in practice that the medic came out to check him out. He felt horrible even though Poots had laughed it off, and Tater swore up and down it had been an accident. And it was! But he had also been thinking about how right before they went on the ice Poots had run his hand through Snowy’s hair and made some joke about him being a model and Snowy hadn’t shaken him off. Tater is still guilty about it all.

One time Snowy had jokingly called Tater ‘Lexi’ just to get a rise out of him and Tater has liked it so much he hadn’t known what to do with himself and had panicked and called Snowy ‘Dusty’. 

Snowy threw a drink in his face in disgust and everything had returned right with the world.

The first time they kissed was after the cup. Tater had been so excited for them all, completely unconcerned with his injured leg and had been ridiculous all evening. And when he cornered Snowy in Jack’s kitchen he hadn’t even thought anything about it when Tater had grabbed his face and planted a kiss square on his mouth while someone cheered in the background. But he didn’t pull away, just lingered there for a few seconds too long and Snowy swore he felt Tater’s tongue against his lips before Tater was pulling back and shouting something again like he had been all night.

They spent the entire rest of the night within arms reach of each other but unable to look each other in the eye.

They’ll get there. 

[rvmmm21]

please I'm dying for some soft wenrene where wendy confesses her love to irene 👉👈 👉👈 👉👈

i am benevolent, so you, anon, may live another day. although with how long it took me to get to this, i’m not sure if you’re still with us. pls... let me know? somehow?

anyway, cue music for ‘i-have-prompts-older-than-this-but-I-want-to-be-selfish’, and fetch me a glass of ‘i-suddenly-got-the-urge-to-write-soft-wenrene’ to go with that, please. so, how would wendy tell irene she loves her? with not one, but two cheesy love songs, of course!

...

“And the blue of the curtains reflects –”

– Seungwan drowns her out, cutting off all this useless discussion about some dead poet that can definitely wait.

A thick silence envelops them, and the younger girl takes a second to absorb the spectrum of confusion and mild curiosity that slowly colours Joohyun’s visage. It’s those deep brown eyes with that knowing twinkle in them; it keeps Seungwan’s gaze pinned and makes her wonder how Joohyun hasn’t yet figured out what she plans to do… hasn’t yet noticed her feelings. Or maybe she has, but she’s simply playing dumb. Either way, Seungwan’s lips quirk into a weak smile as she fumbles around in her bag and pulls out the case to her AirPods. Joohyun flinches slightly when she plugs them into her ears, and she dazedly watches Seungwan swipe her lock screen on her phone.

She’s about to ask what on earth is going on, what Seungwan wants her to listen to that could possibly be more important than tomorrow’s due date. But before she gets the chance to stutter, the lyrics of Dave Thomas Junior’s ‘We Belong Together’ seeps into her ears.

~~~

And just when I realised,

That maybe I’ve been thinking bout forever.

.

I saw something in your eyes,

Reflecting back off of a speed limit sign.

.

Fade in the morning shade from the sun,

Maybe one day yeah I’m holding on.

.

Can you feel it,

Can you feel it,

Can’t you see that,

We belong together,

We belong together.

~~~

“S-Seungwan-ah,” Joohyun chuckles nervously, hands moving up to her ears. But Seungwan stops them and guides them gently back down into her lap. Her eyes tell her she already knows what she’s about to say.

“I know, I know, unnie. Hang on… just one more.”

And now it’s the 90’s arcade-style tempo and synth-y lo-fi beats of Sufjan Stevens’ ‘With My Whole Heart’ that causes a staccato ripple in her heart. There isn’t much of the English language she understands, and she knows Seungwan is aware of that. She knows from all the times her heart’s silently broken when Seungwan’s been so excited to share her latest foreign artist obsession, only for her to smile and bop along to the rhythm, regrettably unable to grasp the meaning of any of the lyrics. Meaning is something Seungwan holds very dear, so perhaps it isn’t a coincidence that she understands every word she hears this time.

~~~

I will love you,

I will love you with my whole heart,

I will love you with my whole heart.

.

I will love you baby,

I will love you with my whole heart,

I will love you with my whole heart.

.

Say you love me baby,

Say you love me true,

Say you love me baby,

I go crazy, I love you.

~~~

Joohyun listens until the songs fizzles away into nothing. She lets Seungwan remove the AirPods from her scarlet-tipped ears with shaky hands, not even trying to hide her infatuation with the shy smile sitting across her. Joohyun loses herself in Seungwan for a minute, in the galaxies flickering behind her smouldering irises, so full of promises and paradise it’s spilling over the edges. And then Seungwan’s musical confession clears a path through Joohyun’s cluttered thoughts. Well that was… straightforward. Good to know she knows what she wants, she thinks.

“Joohyun-ah,” Seungwan’s voice brims with nervous sincerity. “I… I want to – I want to know everything about you… if – if you’re okay with that…”

But before she can deliver the end of the speech she’s rehearsed about fifty times before coming over today, Joohyun cuts her off, this time – for the things she’s known all along – 

– with a curt, “be mine, Seungwan-ah. Let’s go out.”

Eyebrows shoot up and her eyes blow wide. “Wha – r-real – really?”

Joohyun replies slowly, meeting Seungwan’s sweet sunset smile with one just as wide. Seungwan files that image into her most important memories, alongside her collection of other beautiful things; like the way ladybugs trust that you won’t crush them in your palm, or the way bees choose the brightest flower to sip from. Or how when the person you love most loves you back, anything seems within reach.

With Joohyun, Seungwan is excited every day, like a year 10 student on their first date without their parents. Joohyun makes her feel powerful; like she has eight days in her week, a hidden fifth season to play in after winter, and a spare month between Christmas and the new year exclusively for them. Seungwan would like for Joohyun to hold her hand through it all, where only they exist in these extra little moments, a secret to be unlocked in such wonderful, rosy dreams.

And she’ll always remember that Joohyun kissed her first, when she connected their smiles and hearts, no one but the stars and night sky to witness.

[bellarxse]

Get to know: Cesca Joyce (TMOHB)

100 Questions (https://the-moon-dust-writings.tumblr.com/post/159843387908/100-oc-questions) to get to know Cesca Joyce, MC in The Motion of Heavenly Bodies

1.    How do they present themselves to others? Soft femme – she has had the importance of femininity and her appearance drilled into her from an early age by her mother, but she has withdrawn from the idea of high-maintenance femininity as much as she feels she can

2.    Do they like animals? Cats and marine life. She doesn’t like dogs.

3.    How do they dress? Often as casual as she can manage, and often in something which hides her chest.

4.    How many language do they know? Fluent in English and German. proficient in French. Likes to watch K-dramas with subs, so she can pick up on the odd phrase now.

5.    How big is their family? Parents divorced. Two full siblings, two paternal half-siblings.

6.    What is their purpose in the story? Uh..they’re the main character. Ha. No, Cesca’s “arc”, such as it is at this point, is going to be about the importance of recognising and pursuing your own desires rather than letting people tell you what you should want.

7.    Do they know how to fight? The extent of her knowledge is basically that you should tuck your thumb into your fist if you throw a punch. That’s basically it.

8.    What is their back story? Distant father (working in international finance), mother (thwarted model, pregnant too young and unable to cope) at home with children she never wanted in the first place. She wants them to be the successes she never was, to shine with radiance that blinds the world. Sarah, their first daughter, is genial and hard-working but painfully plain, and the youngest, Alice, is manipulative and cruel, and looks it. But sweet little Franze, with her angelic curls and innocent blue eyes? Yes, she will do nicely. But it isn’t long before she rebels. Skinned knees and grubby hands (“Mutti, look what I found!”), and a profound disinterest in how to make herself more beautiful. So Julia tries again, taking away her rocks and microscopes and replacing them with vanities and lotions and potions, until Franze is a dejected little doll – almost literally, listless and lifeless. A teacher at school flags up “Cesca’s” (Franze’s) behaviour as being a “concern”, and threatens to involve child protection services. But how could it possibly be a concern? This is what little girls are supposed to be like.

9.    Why is their name their name? Conceived on holiday in France – and it’s generally considered an upper middle-class name in both countries

10.Do they have any nicknames? Francesca (anglicised), Franze (German diminutive), Cesca (English diminutive – her favourite), C (school friends)

11.Do they have a romantic interest? …I mean, yeah, that’s the point – but that would be telling. So instead, let’s talk about her only other long-term relationship, Julian, when they were both 17. A son of Father’s friend—and Father is friends with some of the best society has to offer, he’s told her himself—he is sure of himself and charismatic enough to make Cesca believe it as well. She thinks he loves her, though he only ever really loved chasing her, and she cries when he breaks up with her, not one week after they had had sex for the first time.

12.How do they cope with struggles? At work, depends on the struggle. She tries to judge carefully what the best course of action would be – either she’ll take some time away to let it simmer; or she’ll keep at it until she finds another way in. In her personal life, she avoids whatever she can get away with.

13.Do they have anyone they can lean on? More than she knows – she’s never tested it with anyone else other than Sarah. She isn’t always sure how her friends feel about her, not truly, especially after she is selected to go on the show without them.

14.How do they react to someone dying? Lot of numbness. She can seem insensitive or uncaring, but it takes a while for it to sink in.

15.Can you name 5 personality traits they have? Reserved, analytical, emotionally perceptive, avoidant, sensitive

16.How did they become a character? Because I was fed-up of the S3 MC being just different flavours of the same bold, confident person. I mean, it’s a CYOA game, there aren’t exactly many opportunities to feed in complex hopes/wants/fears, but even the S2 MC could choose to be “cool and mysterious” or “all out”.

17.Do they get along with others? She often chooses the path of least resistance – so often people think they get on with her better than they actually do, because she isn’t always honest with how she feels about things or people

18.What flaws do they have? Arrogant (mostly at work), naïve, perfectionist, practical, rigorous/over-zealous

19.How do they influence the story? A little too spoiler-y for now…

20.What do they look like? Honey blonde curls (usually pinned back), blue eyes, 5’ 3”. Quite pale, even after weeks in the Spanish sun – it would take a lot more time and effort for her to tan. Some freckles, but not many. Looks delicate at first blush, but is deceptively strong for her build. Bottom hourglass.

21.What are their hobbies? Collecting and listening to old vinyl records. Swimming and free diving.

22.What are their ticks? She blushes at the drop of a hat, and she bites her lip. She doesn’t intend it to come off as sexual or flirty (quite the opposite) but people don’t believe her.

23.Do they like children? If you ask her, she’ll laugh and tell you no, loudly. But Sarah has just had twin boys, and Cesca thinks that she might just die for them anyway, even if they don’t need her to.

24.How do they react to being around wild animals? Aquatic animals – loves it, very affectionate/serene (even when she went cage diving with sharks). Land animals? More of a mixed reaction, depending on how physically large/imposing they are.

25.If they were given the task to prank someone, who would it be, what would they do and would it work? She doesn’t so much prank people as plot to ruin their lives, particularly careers.

26.Do they have survival skills? Not really – her mother didn’t think it was necessary for girls, and she has thrown herself into science since.

27.Are they more book smart or street smart? More socially savvy than she gives herself credit for, but mostly book smart

28.How do they get out of a difficult situation? Depends on the situation. In a dangerous situation, she will call for help. In a socially awkward position, she’s like to use her looks to get out of the situation (e.g. sending someone off to get her a drink from the bar and then disappearing into the crowd). In a romantic situation, she’d use her intellect and talk through in excruciating detail why they’re not compatible.

29.Do they use their body, mind, personality or force to get what they want? See 28

30.What music do they enjoy? Older music, from the 1960s-1980s (90s at a push). She does like some more modern things, but usually if they’re either drawing inspiration from older trends or europop. Trashy Europop is a guilty pleasure of hers.

31.How do they overcome obstacles? Grit and determination, mostly.

32.When faced with a difficult decision do they get stronger or break? At work, stronger. Emotionally, she’s never fully broken down but she’s come close a few times.

33.Do they have any special powers? Just her brain.

34.How do they change throughout the story? She gets a little more assertive in articulating what she wants – but there will still be some room for growth

35.Do they have any friends? If so, are they close knit? Two close friends from school, who would do anything she asked of them (in terms of emotional support), but she is too scared to ask them. So their friendship appears more superficial than it actually is, in terms of what they do together

36.How is their family life? She only really sees her older sister. She avoids Alice (younger full-sister) like the plague and doesn’t make an effort to see her father’s new family. Will basically shut down if she has to see her mother. Christmas is not a happy time for her.

37.Are they likable? I certainly think so, but she’s my ambitious little alien baby so…

38.Are they the hero, or anti-hero? Depends on your viewpoint – certainly some of her “competitors” wouldn’t see her as the hero…!

39.Do they make questionable choices? I mean, we’ll see.

40.How do they become who they are? Through putting her head down and ploughing on. Ultimately running away from…

41.How was their childhood? …being made to feel like the only thing that mattered were her looks. Her mother tried to enter her for pageants and the like, and it was actually one of the terms of the divorce – her father wouldn’t give her mother any alimony if she made Cesca compete in anything like that.

42.Are they close with anyone who is going to screw them over? Again, we’ll see, don’t want to get into plot elements too much…!

43.How do they adapt to different situations? Do they adapt at all? She adapts because she has to, but she’s not particularly good at it.

44.How do they speak? (e.g. soft-spoken, hot-headed, vulgar) Usually soft-spoken, which makes a genuine laugh all the more startling.

45.Are they opposed to violence? There’s something about having been raised to be a good girl and knowing how people should behave in polite society which makes taboos like violence more exciting.

46.When is their birthday? 1st January 1997

47.Are they quick to judge? She tries not to, but she can make snap judgements based on appearances or actions that she finds hard to shake

48.Do they have anything they are trying to hide from others? How she doesn’t like being complimented on her looks, because they just wouldn’t understand.

49.Do they act different around different people? She is much more confident around her work colleagues, because she feels like she can show off her processes, rather than dumb herself down for people. She is very reserved around people she doesn’t know well and most of her family.

50.Do they enjoy the arts? Not a huge fan of reading, unless it’s science-related. Loves music, especially on vinyl. Likes films, usually action/thriller/horror.

51.Do they like science? Loves it. There’s a kind of beauty about it, about how it lets her order the world, and how she can see the world reflected in her microscope.

52.Are they more emotional or logical? I mean I don’t agree with the premise of the question, because it’s a false dichotomy, but she would say she’s more logical. Make of that what you will.

53.How do they deal with their emotions? Distraction tactics. Which means that there’s some stuff that she’s just…never dealt with. Massive issues with her mother.

54.How do they cope with sadness? She’s almost constantly sad, and she’s never really let the weight lift from her shoulders. It doesn’t bother her personally – it only really bothers people that care about her.

55.What is something they care about? She cares about the environment – she tries to be as sustainable as her budget allows, and she’s almost fanatical about saving water. (So she’s clean but she showers only as often as she needs to)

56.Would they die for anyone/anything? Probably her nephews.

57.What do they do when they are happy? Being happy looks very like being sad – she behaves much the same way, but she might fidget less or smile slightly.

58.How would they come across to other characters? E.g. messy, lazy, caring, childish Calm, shy (especially in the context of Love Island, since she doesn’t cope well with being flirted with overtly), clinical

59.Do they have a phrase they use over and over? No? Not yet, anyway

60.In a crowded room are they in the corners, sides or middle? She would gravitate to the sides, so that she can see everyone more clearly. If she’s with friends she trusts (and particularly if she’s had some alcohol) she’s not averse to being in the middle of the room, but it’s not her first option.

61.Are they comfortable being in a crowded room? She can find it overwhelming.

62.How do they relax? Listen to records, watch TV. She usually needs to relax by herself and “de-person” for a bit.

63.Have they ever harmed anyone and regretted it? Verbally or physically? She is usually the one to break off any budding relationships, usually before they become sexual. So for some of these early relationships, they were hurt because they thought she was really into them, but they were usually at an early enough stage that it was fairly minor emotional pain.

64.Do they like to dance? Not unless she’s drunk some alcohol. She doesn’t feel like her body moves very naturally, she needs her inhibitions to be much reduced before she even considers it.

65.How do they get around their environment? (vehicle use) She cycles a lot. She learned to drive when she was 17, but she’s a nervous driver and she doesn’t like it.

66.What about pet peeves? Loud chewers. It’s a sensory thing, she really doesn’t like it. Linked to this – people who talk with their mouths full constantly (she’ll allow it if you’re surprised or if you didn’t expect to be asked a question but if it’s your default? Get in the bin)

67.Do they have a disability? No.

68.How do they react to getting flowers? It depends on the person – if they’re someone who she would like to receive flowers from, it can make her month. If it’s from someone she wasn’t expecting, she can be a bit unsure of how to react – are they are thank you? Are they a proposition? She really doesn’t like receiving flowers from a “secret admirer” or something like that.

69.Would they ever wear a flower crown? Not usually, maybe for something like a wedding? And definitely not if she’s the only one.

70.Do they like themselves? Sometimes. She likes herself when she’s at work and successful. She usually likes herself when she spends time with friends. If she’s left on her own for too long she can start to doubt herself.

71.Who do they dislike? People who aren’t genuine/honest. People who focus on their appearance too much.

72.What is their motto? When she read “If I look back, I am lost.” in the first ASOIAF novel, she had to take a few minutes.

73.Do they have any markings on their body? A few minor scratches from falling off her bike a couple of times. Some freckles, more on her arms than her face.

74.Have they ever been abused? Physically, not at all. Emotionally? Most of her interactions with her mother and her sister are hostile in some way or another, and her father’s attitude can best be described as neglectful.

75.What is their biggest fear? Not to get too body horror about this, but her recurring nightmare is that she makes someone (and the person changes depending on what’s happening in her life) and they push/hit her and she’s hollow, or she smashes to the ground like porcelain.

76.What are their goals? She wants to finish her research into biodegradable plastic, and ideally start a second study to see if the same desired results can be achieved with fewer/cheaper resources.

77.How do they go about achieving their goals? She keeps her head down and ploughs on.

78.Do they have a fight or flight response? Yes, but she almost exclusively chooses to flee.

79.Is there someone in their life that they care about more than themselves? Her sister and her nephews. I don’t necessarily think that her having fewer people she cares about more than herself indicates that she’s selfish or overly arrogant. It’s just that her feelings are a little more subdued, so she doesn’t necessarily think about most people in that way.

80.How would they fare in a zombie apocalypse? Pretty badly, probably – unless she was in an area that hadn’t been affected yet, and she was able to work on a cure/”silver bullet”.

81.Do they have any tattoos? If so, are they significant? No, but she’s not averse to getting them. But if she gets one, she wants it to be significant, and she doesn’t want it to be linked to something that she might regret (like a relationship)

82.Are they good at mental math? Frighteningly so.

83.Do they get along with others? Again, she often takes the path of least resistance, so she seems to get along with lots of people, but she can get quite resentful.

84.Are they lazy? No

85.Are they self-motivated? Yes

86.How do they cope with anger? Short answer, she doesn’t. She was told from an early age that girls don’t get angry, and that means she struggles now to pinpoint when she is feeling angry. She often experiences other symptoms, like headaches or nausea, which she will treat instead of expressing herself.

87.Have they ever been in a situation where they were helpless? Physically, no – she’s been lucky. Emotionally – she felt helpless for a lot of her childhood, and then worries now about letting someone else make her feel helpless again.

88.Are they organized or messy? Pathologically organised – think Monica from Friends.

89.Can they remember a lot of information at once? In the right context, yes. At work, she’s like a machine, remembering formulae and compounds. In her personal life, she often gets overloaded. But she picks up on a lot, and it’s a sign that she likes you if she notices or remembers little details about you.

90.What is their occupation? Environmental scientist (specialising in chemistry, but her degree is in biochemistry).

91.Do other characters respect them? Yes, I think so. Especially at work, she’s seen as one of the key members of the team. In her personal life, it depends – she chooses friends carefully, and her friends respect her. Her father and siblings (aside from Alice) respect her more than she’s willing to notice. Her mother doesn’t, and Alice (younger full sister) loathes her.

92.If they were given minutes to live, what would they do? Who would they want to see and say? She would want to spend time with her sister. She wouldn’t want to talk about her feelings, but she would be more physically affectionate.

93.How do they deal with stress? Burying herself in work. Also, free diving is a good stress-reliever for her, because it requires so much of her concentration that she cannot afford to think about what is stressing her out.

94.Do they have a more submissive or dominant personality type? Depends – very dominant at work, less so among family and friends. I’ll cover NSFW stuff in a different post, but the short answer is, “it’s complicated”

95.Do they have a pet? No – she would like a cat, but she feels bad about leaving it in a London flat all day.

96.Do they have a stash of weapons? …no?

97.Where do they live? Who do they live with? She used to live in Putney with Ellie and Tina; now she lives alone in a small one-bedroom flat in Westminster that’s really meant for students.

98.How do they calm themselves down? Listening to music, staring at a wall. I’m a little worried that I’m making her sound crazy, but she can feel the tension leak out of her, and she can move on, at least in the short term.

99.Are they co-dependent? She makes an effort not to be – she is so affection- and touch-starved, though, that she is in danger of seeing another person as a source of self-worth.

100.                 Are they a day or night person? Day person – she wakes up very early (probably at about 5am), even when she doesn’t need to, and so she struggles with late nights. She isn’t usually smug about being an early bird, but she will let herself be a little more overt if there’s a particularly annoying Morgenmuffel…!

[jmeddows2]

Purple Thunder (Roger Taylor Series) - Part 9

(present/old) Roger Taylor series Notes: Here it is, the longest chapter of PP yet. I don’t want to give to much away, but there is going to be some relief for exactly two people after this one (yeah I’m talking about you reader and Roger lol). Roger is not making a big apperance, but he’ll always be there after this one! be prepared for a fluffy throwback and some cheesy musical contribution by Reader. I’m sorry, but this Taylor Swift song just fits perfectly and I’m obsessed with the album ‘Lover’. Songs from that album will definitely keep making appearances here and there. Anyway.. bare with me, english is not my first language, sorry for mistakes. The song lyrics used in this chapter are from the song “Death By A Thousand Cuts” - Taylor Swift. I recommend you listening to it once it pops up in the story. Feel free to drop me an ask, a message, send in your reaction, further requests etc. But most of all: THANK YOU FOR READING!!! :))) Words: 3.1k Warnings: cursing, cheating

Never would you have thought that a penthouse that light and happy, yet domestic could feel as sad and lonely as it did now.  This trip was supposed to lift all the weight from your shoulders, instead of pushing you down with even more sorrow.  After a few missed attempts to reach Roger through calling, the chandelier lights in the living room started flickering. Almost like a sign  Great. Where the hell was he? You started getting worried. Was he alright or did something happen? Was he on his way back home,or did he stay in a different room in the hotel? The thought that something bad could have happened,basically ate you alive, so you decided to text him. To: Roger 'Where have you gone?‘ 'I need to talk to you‘  How could he just leave like that? Without hearing you out first.?As the time went by you started making up different scenarios in  your head, thinking  this all was a all a joke to him, a distraction from his crumbling marriage. 'I’m worried. Please come back' you texted again. 

The only answer was a money transfer of 10.000£ to your bank account with the remark 'for travels if you decide to come back to London ‘ Seemed like it was goodbye now. But you didn‘t do anything wrong. And instead of spending the whole night thinking about what you could have done wrong this time,  you did what you could best, at least as it seemed.  Fuck shit up, so  'Doha Nightclub' on Long Island seemed just like the right place to get rid of the empty feeling deep inside and the especially big and empty penthouse.  The nightclub seemed to be in the middle of nowhere, but it was certainly easy to get there, given the fact that the penthouse of the Ritz provided you a very own Rolls Royce with a personal driver in tow, who would take you anywhere you wanted.  As you entered the dark place that lit up with purple strobe lights, the place was already packed. Girls that wore as little as they could, men with buttoned down shirts all over the dancefloor. It felt posh, nearly too posh for your liking. But now you were there. Would be a waste of gas to ask the driver to go to another place. This would do perfectly fine. Trying not to draw any attention to yourself , you chose a little table to sit at in the back where it was  dark, but the seat still visible enough for waitresses to notice once  your glass was empty. You were quite amused by the fact that it was a girl’s birthday party. They welcomed her into the club with two signs saying 'Happy Birthday‘. Right next to them was another blonde girl with curves in all the right places holding up a neon yellow sign saying '99% sure that vodka is my soulmate'. It made you chuckle, even with given circumstances. "What‘s your poison, honey?" A girl about your age asked you, holding a tray of shots in her hand.  "Anything right now. Any shot would do" you sighed. "Wait a minute“ the girl said taking a closer look at you. "Aren‘t you that singer that got engaged?"  "Do you see a ring on my finger?“ you held out your hands for her to inspect.  "Ouch“  "How much for the whole tray?“ "Girls are free tonight, honey“ she placed the tray on the table and took a seat on the empty chair. "I‘m Andrea, by the way“ she shook your hand.  5 shots in and you started conversing about god knows what.  "....and then I was too broke to stay in LA.. so, I had to come back. Guess there‘s too many pretty girls out there wanting to become an actress." she nearly cried telling stories about failing auditions trying to make in Los Angeles, how her boyfriend left her a week after she had flown out, trying to achieve a dream of hers. It made your heart sting. The cheating part. You were here trying go sulk like a victim, when you‘d been the one doing wrong all along. You didn‘t drop any names, just the context of the story. And she was understanding, even gave you her number in case you came back there again or just needed a friend to ramble on. She moved on to grab another tray and made her rounds. The night was restless. Almost like you expected the moments that were about to happen. You could feel it, boiling deep inside. It felt like a big bomb, that was about to go off and destroy everything. Everything that already had been in ruins. And as if someone heard your call from far away it reached its last strike.  A message from Roger. And your heart dropped.  'I don’t think this is a good idea anymore. I’m sorry.' You tried calling him again. This time he picked up.  "...Rog? Are you there?” you  breathed into the phone, unable to make out his voice in the club.. Impossible.so you went outside where it was quiet enough.  "Where are you? I miss you" you slurred into the phone, the alcohol speaking out of you.  "(Y/N) are you drunk?” he said and for a moment you thought he might be worried about.  "Come back to me Roger. Please” you begged him.  "I.. I can’t I’m sorry.. I don’t think this will work”  What you didn’t know was, that it took him hours to practice his little speech. To push all the feelings away that had kept building up inside him for over half a year now. First from keeping up with your work, until the last 3 months he actually got to spend with you in person. With his head in his hand, memories kept flashing back in his mind. The movie nights you had, cuddled up on the couch with a fuzzy warm blanket thrown over the two of you. If the movie was too boring, he would just start conversing about how bad it was or keep tickling and cuddling you to distract you from watching it. Or you’d just fall asleep. 3 months felt more like 3 years. And it was everything you ever craved.  The nights you spent at his house in Surrey kept replaying. When it was a mild night and not too cold, spending nearly all night long looking at the big statue of Freddie, which was in full display because of the big spotlight Roger had installed.  You’d usually sit on a thick and huge blanket on the grass or on chairs, feeling each other’s warmth, no talking, just being in the moment.  "Fred would have adored you“ Roger spoke up, which made you look up at him.  "Not as much as I adore him" you smiled at him, pressing a light kiss to his lips.  "What would he think about us now?" You asked, putting your head back on his chest and arms tightly around him.  "He‘d be happy for us” Roger whispered in your hair.  "Because I‘m happy. You make me happy." He kissed your temple. "Losing my best friend was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with." You squeezed him tighter to comfort him and it really did put him at more ease. His shoulders weren’t as tense when you started drawing patterns on his back.  "I couldn‘t even imagine how you must have felt. But I think losing you would come pretty close to that" you whispered back at him.  And now that was just about to happen. Your worst nightmare.  "I got to go now..." his voice was small and quiet. Almost quiet enough to hear your heart break. "I‘m sorry..." You felt dizzy, like your feet couldn‘t keep you up anymore. Just then you felt a pair of strong arms wrap around your waist.  "Hey baby. What are doing out here all alone.“ the stranger pulled you close to him, letting his hands roam all over your body. You felt disgusted.  "Stop..“ you tried to push him away. "Stop touching me“ you screamed louder.  "Y/N?“ A familiar voice. Dan.  "Dan?"  "Is that your fucking boyfriend baby?“ the disgusting stranger whispered in your ear before Dan pushed him away. Dan, your guitarist was your savior of the hour. You had last seen him storm out of the studio in London. You wrapped your arms around him, still trying to process everything that had happened in the last 30 minutes.  "Oh god, how much did you drink? You smell like a brewery“ he grimaced taking in the unpleasant scent.  "Hey, Y/N" he shook you lightly trying to get a few words out of you.  "Where are you staying? I‘ll take you there“  "The Ritz“  "Yeah sure“ he laughed. "You and the Ritz." He didn‘t believe you. Because the Ritz wasn‘t exactly what you would go for when touring with your band. Even though you could afford rooms there. Not the penthouse, but smaller ones.  "I‘m telling the truth Dan“  "Alright, alright“ he still didn’t quite believe it.  “I‘ll take you back to mine. You‘ll need loads of water and a hangover therapy tomorrow. This one‘s going to be massive“ You groaned as he picked you up and carried you to the cab. Then from the cab to his apartment. You didn‘t even know where you were, only that Dan was going to take care of you. He was always the dad of the group. Him and Joe, your bass player never stayed out late, never partied that much. Much to your advantage now. The next morning, you felt surprisingly not that bad. Which was like a miracle. Dan made sure you drank much water before going to sleep and as you got up from his couch to search for the kitchen, the table was already decorated with a large breakfast to help rise your low blood sugar levels. "Good morning Miss Vodka“ Dan looked up from his newspaper, a cup of coffee in his hand a grin plastered on his lips. Clearly because of your miserable state. "Haha“ trying your best to sound as sarcastic as possible.  "Good morning and thank you for bringing me here“ sincerely thanking him.  "Not a problem, you said something about staying at the Ritz" you downed one of the three ginger shots he prepared for you and put the glass down with a grimace. Damn those are disgusting.  "Yeah because I am“ Dan only looked at you, waiting for you to continue the story.  "Is Josh there? Oh, fuck right. I didn‘t congratulate you on the engagement. Fuck“ he blushed. You only shook your head lightly for him to stop, he knew you long enough to know you weren‘t mad at him about it.  "Do you have a pen and paper?" you asked tapping your fingers next the freshly toasted bread in front of you.  "Ah yeah sure“ he got up to grab it.  And came back with "Post its? Really?“ "Sorry it‘s the only thing I got. I just moved in here“ he threw his arms up in defeat.  You started scribbling. It felt like the words made their own way onto the paper.  "Are you like.. writing a song now?“ Dan looked over your shoulder as you placed yet another post it on top of the other 4 that were already full of ink. You only held a finger up, clearly a sign for him to shut up. A polite sign for him to shut up.  The lyrics where done in 15 minutes,with you throwing the pen on the table almost like a Mic drop.  "Done“ "You‘re crazy“ he stared at you with fascination from across the table.  "Can I see it?“  "Only of you agree to make a riff for it“  "Yeah... sure“ He agreed in a heartbeat.  And he grabbed the post its, reading out loud:  'Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up, I get drunk, but it‘s not enough. 'Cause the morning comes and you‘re not my baby.  I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier still flickering here 'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not It's death by a thousand cuts I dress to kill my time I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright They say, "I don't know" And what once was ours Is no one's now I see you everywhere, the only thing we share Is this small town You said it was a great love One for the ages But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages? My heart, my hips, my body, my love Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united, we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from my paper-thin plans My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts" By the time he finished reading it, you were sobbing. Having someone else read your material always made you feel vulnerable. But this time, the circumstances made the intensity almost unbearable.  "Do you want to talk about? You know we can discuss everything. We always did" he tried to help. "I.. I just want you to come back Dan. Please don‘t leave us hanging. I need you. There‘s no one else to talk to. We will talk this out with Sid. Please I want my best friend back.“  "Ok, let‘s do it“  While Dan kept fiddling around the guitar with 10 post its spread out in front of him, you decided to make a call, you feared since the minute Josh got down on one knee. Rufus.  "Yeah?“ A serious tone. No 'hello‘. No 'how are you‘.  "Hi Rufus“  "So... guess I’m not going to call you stepmom anytime soon?“ You were speechless.  "Was that all?“ He sounded rude, but he didn’t know any better in this moment.  "No“ you found your voice again.  "He didn‘t let me explain. I never said yes. I‘m not engaged, Rufus!!!!" "You‘re not??? He thought... you are and everyone said you... are you really not?" "No!! That‘s what I‘ve been trying to tell everybody! I‘m not engaged!!“ "Oh god. That man... I swear..“ he continued mumbling things that were inaudible "What do I do now?“  "umm he‘ll be at our concert... the day after tomorrow.. shepherd‘s bush..“  "I‘ll come there“ you enthusiastically announced.  "Good... maybeeeee you could get your ass up on stage for a special performance?“ he put on a silly voice, he always did this to make you laugh on tour. "Just like old times?" you could almost see the silly pout he would make, trying to give you puppy eyes.  "Ok, just like old times." You never doubted the abilities of anyone in your band and the riff that Dan created was proof enough. With the help of synthesizers, a piano part for the middle of the song was created, undoubtedly having a similar sound to the intro of 'Seven Seas of Rhye'. Intentionally of course. Bless technology you were able to send the sound samples to your other band members back in England. By midnight the track was finished. Ready to be released. And you did. At midnight the day you would meet Roger again. On your way back to England you transferred the 10.000 pounds Roger sent you, right back to him. And the headlines you‘d been avoiding started to make your phone explode.  The Sun: 'Y/N spotted drunk and alone in NYC after engagement‘ The Guardian: 'Did she say no to Josh? Here‘s why'  Daily Mail: 'New Purple Thunder song indicates Y/N had an affair all along‘ Daily Mirror: 'Y/N leaving Josh for married man?‘ You clicked through all of them. Inspected them. But thankfully no suspicion about who the song could actually be about. The day approached and it was an hour before showtime for The Darkness, but there was still no sign of Roger. You began imagining things, seeing him in the crowd as you peaked through the side stage curtains. But he wasn‘t there.  "He‘ll turn up“ Rufus stood behind you, his hand your shoulder. "My dad never lied to me. He sure won‘t start that bullshit now.“ That was Rufus, always trying to make a smile escape your lips.  The concert was almost over, when you joined them on stage for the last song and their most popular one. 'I Believe In A Thing Called Love‘. You owned the second verse and chorus and the crowd went crazy after recognizing you as special guest. It wasn‘t until  Rufus‘ drum solo that you recognized Roger looking at you in awe from the side of the stage.  Roger knew the picture in front of him just too well. Freddie always used to hype him up the way you did with Rufus. His heart swelled and he felt,it would jump out right  then and there. You bounced to the beat, head banging to the beat of the drums just like Rufus did, His messy blond hair sticking to his head. Rufus smiled at your reaction and hit the drums even harder.  Sadly, the song came to an end, but the adrenaline rush was there. Your heart was beating loudly, but seeing Roger smile proudly, clapping his hands... Boy.. you felt like having a  heart attack. He looked more handsome than ever. You bowed down with the whole band, but before you could make your way to Roger, Rufus gave you an encouraging pat on your shoulder. And as you got closer to where Roger was standing, his appearance became even more beautiful. His hair was messy, just the way you liked it. A bit ruffled. His black button-down shirt, with the top two buttons opened and blue eyes shining like the eyes of a little boy on Christmas morning. He still somehow had that boyish look and you adored it.  "Hi Rog-" He embraced you in a tight hug, the one‘d been craving since you returned to the empty penthouse.  "I‘m sorry. I didn‘t mean to make you feel that way. I should have listened. It‘s all my fault. I‘ve put everything upon you, when I shouldn‘t have. I thought you were playing me. But then again, I should have known that you would never do that. You would never do that...“ he buried his in your neck. "If I fucked it up and you never want to see me again, then I understand. But I wouldn‘t ever forgive myself for that.“  "I love you Roger“ he brought his head to your level again and there it was.  "I love you Y/N“ and your lips met. "Well that‘s new“ a surprised Justin (singer of The Darkness) caught your eye.  "Guys I’m happy for you “ he smiled was gone quickly after. "Let‘s get out of here“ Roger said quietly in a low voice, grabbed your hand and you snuck out through the back door, to his Kensington flat.  You knew you needed to talk about this whole situation again, but that could wait until tomorrow. Old scene, but a new picture. It was you and him on his massive crème couch, a movie on that was not worth watching. So youdozed off first, feeling Roger‘s arms wrapped around you, inhaling his scent. He kept playing with your hair, until he followed close behind. taglist: @oldfashionedlovergirlsblog @nicola2388

[tenacityblitz]

all the numbers u haven't done

roleplaying habits questions.

1. what’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

Offhand I can’t really think of anything?? English is my first language so I don’t knowingly break any grammar rules anyway. Unless possible excessive use of commas counts bc I use commas a lot.

2. are there any languages besides english in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

Unless Gibberish counts bc I learned that stupid crack language back when I was a kid but good lord I would not have the patience to actually type out a reply like that. 

3. how often do you reach for a synonym dictionary when writing? how about mentally?

Sometimes but not too frequently. Depends on how flowery I’m trying to write something or if I’m thinking of a word but I don’t like the first descriptive word that came to mind for what I’m trying to express.

4. how often do you need to translate your own or the other’s writing with a dictionary or google when writing and reading replies?

Never tbh. Especially since I don’t RP in any other languages, all my RP partners have a good enough grasp on English that I can always tell what they were at least trying to say in their reply.

5. do you listen to music while your write?

I used to need music playing in the background to help me focus on doing drafts, but nowadays I need more silence than anything to help focus and produce what I think is a quality response to a longer thread. Short one or two liner things idc what’s in the background. 

6. do you have ideal writing circumstances when you can do a lot of drafts or tackle really long ones very easily?

I can fluctuate with when I best write. Typically I write better at night when the house is quiet and any noise happening in the house is a noise I make, but I’ve had writing inspiration hit me at any time of the day before.

7. are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

Bold of you to assume I’m awake during morning hours that don’t include 5 AM bc I’m still awake haha. When I’m not swamped with commissions to do I typically write better during the day or at night when I’m the only person awake in the house and I don’t have any outside distractions from a person IRL.

8. how does tiredness affect your writing?

Not overly so sometimes, I know there’ve been times in the past where I powered through replies even though I wanted to go to bed just because I was riding the motivation train and I didn’t want to lose it and not get to those last replies for who knows how long. But on Discord at least I often have reply to Discord threads be one of the last things I do before I go to sleep so I go to bed knowing I don’t owe anyone a reply on there.

9. have you ever written a serious reply intoxicated?

Not a serious reply anyway. I’ve been on the dashboard before while intoxicated (ColossalCon East was a prime example haha) but I’ve never really RP’d while that intoxicated

10. how much do you proof-read as you are writing vs. proof-read at the end?

I’ll proof read as I go but also give it one last read before I actually hit publish.

11. when you are writing a reply, how much ahead in the thread do you plan?

Entirely depends on the thread. I could write it on the fly or I could have days to think about it from external factors keeping me from getting to the reply as soon as it comes back to me.

12. is there ever been a time when you’ve had to drop a roleplaying partner because you’ve found their writing style exhausting?

Yes actually, gather round for RP horror storytime haha. Flash back to 2013 while I was still in the Black Butler fandom. I stupidly decided to give writing Sebastian a try at the request of a Ciel I’d made friends with (probably through my old Alois or Lizzie blog). She was a nice enough girl, close enough to my age so she seemed plenty mature, and had been what I thought was a good enough writer to warrant trying my hand at a muse I wouldn’t have otherwise thought to try. Legit within days of me making the Sebastian blog she was getting super clingy in her IC posts making Ciel a whiny baby missing Sebastian, would try and guilt me in IC posts to get on and write with her, and I dealt with it for about two weeks before I deleted Sebastian’s blog without warning and deleted the girl off Skype. To this day it’s the only blog I think I’ve ever consciously deleted.

13. does writing roleplay things in public spaces make you uncomfortable?

Not really? I wouldn’t be crazy about a stranger reading over my shoulder while I was writing bc that’s just weird, but I’ve gone to Starbucks or one of the local malls before on my off days (back when I was still at my last job) and I’d do RP stuff there just to get out of the house.

14. how often do you need to change the icon in your reply while or after writing the reply?

Typically I don’t put in icons until I’m done writing the reply unless I go into the reply knowing exactly which one I want to use, or think of a good one while I’m writing it out.

15. do you first get in the “zone” when writing, or do you start writing and “enter” it that way?

Nowadays I just start writing and then get into the zone after I get the first reply done. Discord replies I can chug out any time of day without difficulty, but for whatever reason Tumblr I have to be in the right mindset for. 

16. what is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

Back when I was at my last job, it would be getting a lot of writing muse while I was busy at work and unable to get on my own laptop or sneak onto Tumblr on an office computer and at least type out the bulk of a reply (yes I was employee of the month many times haha), and by the time I was able to get to my own computer or be safe enough to get on a work computer, that writing muse would be gone.

17. what’s your inbox count currently? what did you do to get it so high/low?

Right now I have 15 IC asks. I won’t lie, two of them are from last years Valentine’s Day bc I was away at Katsucon at the time of receiving them and by the time I got home I still just never got around to answering the asks, but I didn’t want to delete them either so I just kept them for posterity. Some are from this past Christmas that I was terrible and haven’t answered yet bc I’ve been so swamped with commissions, some are from other random meme’s I’ve reblogged and gotten an ask or two for and also just never got around to. I’m horrible at replying to asks most of the time and I know it but I always appreciate whenever people take the time to send me an IC one.

18. how many drafts is a paralysing amount?

I’d guess I’d say over 15 like para thread replies would make me be like -insert meme song- ‘how could this happen to meeeee’. I’m not quite at that point yet but I’ll get there eventually if I’m not careful lol.

19. if you are writing a wrong reply that’s not working out, do you save what you have to be continued at another date, or do you scrap it and rewrite?

Usually I would just draft what I have and go back to it. I can’t remember the last time I scrapepd an unfinished draft and completely rewrote it.

20. longest reply you’ve ever writen on mobile?

N/A because I don’t do replies on mobile. I’ll send asks on mobile but I never reply to actual IC things while on my phone unless it’s something stupid and cracky or one-liner-ish.

21. does the total amount of threads you have going on matter to you, or just how many you owe?

Doesn’t really matter. I can have one thread with one person, I could have five threads with one person. @shinvcho is an example of the latter lol

22. what’s your thought process when you format? any unspoken rules you follow?

I’ve kept to the same formatting for years and years tbh. I’m too lazy to do excessive formatting beyond italicizing and/or bolding specific words for emphasis and spacing out the start of a new paragraph. Anything more than that to me is just tedious and unnecessary; I don’t want to make it difficult for my partners to read.

23. how does your follower count affect your mood?

Anyone who says they don’t appreciate or enjoy even a small spike in followers is a liar, because we live in an age where validation is held in high regard and it feels good to get the validation of seeing more people enjoy what we do on our blogs enough to put us on their dashboards. But it also doesn’t really matter to me when I lose followers because I have a mutual checker so I can unfollow a mutual back if they did so first so I don’t feel uncomfy still following someone who no longer wanted me on their dash lol.

[pasteltofus]

1 Year of Learning Korean

One of the most popular questions I’ve gotten since coming back from Korea is: Are you fluent in Korean now??*

*Spoilers: I am not. 🙃

Looking back, I probably would have become more conversational if I had just done a 3-month intensive program. Although, compared to just learning by myself in the Bay Area, being in Korea definitely gave me more opportunities and motivation. I was placed in the high intermediate class for orientation (switched to low intermediate), but I would say that I’m now truly at an intermediate level. I think my Korean’s more or less the same as my Japanese (which has regressed a lot, and I only took 3 semesters in college) but with very shaky foundations. 

Anyways, here’s a brief timeline of what I did this grant year. Let’s go~

[Initiate lock n’ load montage]

July

Korean Intensive Program (8-12pm, 1-2pm M-F) 

Because of how the program was structured, I didn’t feel like I learned very much. This is partly why my foundation is so full of holes...we skipped around here and there. 

August

Korean Intensive Program

September

Korean was put on pause due to troubles adjusting to homestay

October

Occasionally did a few chapters of Billy Go’s Korean Made Simple at school 

Studied some Korean vocab 

November

???

December

I don’t think I studied Korean at all

January

Got a wakeup call when I spent 5 minutes trying to read the back of a sign at a smoothie shop and realized how slow I was at reading

February

Vocab grind (1000 Essential Korean Words), plan was to finish by the end of March. Two weeks of intense vocabulary cramming on Quizlet (did nothing in the end lol don’t try that)

Bought the Real Life Conversations Intermediate book

Studied Korean in Kpop lyrics

Started a side coding project to help my touch typing (K-pop lyric typing game)

March

Memorized dialogues from Real Life Conversations book with Lauren

Improved reading skills slightly by listening and following along with the audio recordings that come with the book

Read through the dialogues with the Korean literature teacher in my gyomushil

Continued to learn song lyrics

Wrote sentences with each new vocabulary word, got my co-teacher and the Korean literature teacher to check them (<-this was probably the most helpful game changer...it helped a lot with my spelling too)

Continued working on the K-pop typing game

April

Stopped learning new vocab at around Chapter 11 of Essential Words, focused on retaining old vocab through Anki flash cards

Finished the Go! Billy Korean Made Simple book that I bought ages ago (tbh it was too easy for me at this point but I was just too lazy)

Finally sat down and “learned” Korean verb conjugations (I’d just been going by gut instinct before…tbh I still kind of do 😅)

Kind of dropped the typing game after finishing the MVP 😅but I’m gonna try to finish it up now that I’m back

May

Started to panic about leaving Korea in 2.5 months but still sucking at Korean

Signed up for private lessons once a week for 90 minutes (My tutor asked me to give her a shout out. Her name is 서영심 (bwv830@gmail.com). If you’re in the Cheongju/Ochang area, she comes to you! She’s very professional and you’ll get your money’s worth.)

Started at the intermediate book that focused on grammar

Learned ~5 grammar points every week

Started writing and reading a lot more and actually seeing how words are spelled. The first time I saw 여기--a super common word (yogi) that means here--written out I thought it was so strange...not that I had thought it was 요기 (also pronounced yogi) but I just didn’t have a visual of it in my head, I guess.

June

Depressed about lack of improvement

Continued with private lessons but felt like I wasn’t really retaining the grammar dump from each week

At the very least, Korean homework kept me on track and made me practice even when I didn’t want to

Started Anki again since I hadn’t actively studied vocab since April.

An old K.Will song that I hadn’t listened to for a long time came up and I realized I could suddenly understand the lyrics. That was pretty cool and one of my small win moments.  

July

Feeling pretty hopeless with Korean

However, hung out with more Korean friends that only spoke Korean and felt like I was actually able to contribute to the conversation. (3 hours of Korean Listening ...🙃)

Was able to understand 70% of the conversation at my gyomushil’s final farewell lunch for me. I contributed to the gossip! 

Went home and immediately lost 50% of my Korean skills upon touching U.S. soil. 

So basically, after my burst of inspiration in February, my confidence and motivation in Korean just kept plummeting. Even now as I write up this post I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. But I do want to highlight the progress that I’ve made since orientation.

Korean Reading

We were all supposed to be able to read Hangul before we came to Korea. Being able to recognize the alphabet is different from being able to read and also different from knowing the pronunciation rules and where to pause in your reading. During my first semester, my eyes would automatically glaze over whenever I saw Korean text. When the second semester started, I tried to force myself to read everything I came across - storefronts, street signs, advertisements on buses, etc. Even if I didn’t know what it meant, I would force myself to read it. Right now, I can navigate a Korean shopping website and read a menu semi-comfortably. I’m still waiting for the day when I’ll see English sounding hangul and be able to read it as fast as English. Although, I will say it’s really nice to be able to read the Korean titles in Kpop videos on Youtube, especially when I come across really old songs (like Super Junior’s No Other 너 같은 사람 또 없어) and realize I now know what it means. 

Also, a new world that has opened up to me is...노래방!! Karaoke is such an adrenaline rush. I’d compare it to sight-reading or DDR/rhythm games where you know something is coming up and the satisfaction you get when you get it right with the beat of the music is 👌. It’s so gratifying to be able to sing along...거기 너 I FANCY YOU 아무나 원하지 않아 HEY! I love you (LOVE YA)!! 

Korean Writing

Back during orientation, I couldn’t spell anything on my own. I knew words every koreaboo knew like 어떻게 and 괜찮아 but I couldn’t write it because I didn’t know how spelling worked. It’s no wonder my spelling didn’t improve since a) I didn’t write and b) I didn’t even read. Even now I still make a lot of spelling mistakes, but I pay attention to words when I see them. It’s still a very slow process, but now I can picture the hangul in my head when I think of the word. 

Typing: I started orientation with around 15 wpm, then by the end of orientation I got to around 30 wpm. Currently, I’m at 60 wpm when I start cold and after I get warmed up I can go up to 80wpm. Being able to touch type is so useful, especially when I’m typing up long sentences from my textbook and I don’t have to look up.

Korean Listening

Dare I say...my Korean listening is my strongest point??? I remember when I took French listening tests in high school, I would always lament with everyone else that they spoke too fast for me to understand. But interestingly, for both Japanese and Korean, I never had that problem. If it only contains words and grammar I know, I can understand it perfectly fine even if it’s fast. I intuitively understand most Korean verb endings and exclamations so it’s not hard to know which way the conversation is flowing or when to interject with “세상에,” “맞아 맞아,” or “말도 안돼.” I used to think my poor lack of vocabulary was the number 1 thing blocking me from understanding, but then I learned more grammar and realized the things I didn’t know. I do feel like parts of the fog are being lifted...sometimes...

Korean Speaking: 

I still feel pretty embarrassed when I speak Korean because there are some sounds that I can’t pronounce. Compared to orientation, I have a few more stock phrases tucked and ready to go, but I still feel unable to express myself. Every conversation will start out fine, but they���ll all stagnate to the same topics and sentences after a while. 

Complications with other languages

I talked about how knowing some Japanese and Chinese was both an advantage and a disadvantage during my beginning stages, but this is true even now. 

Ever since I started getting more comfortable with typing and spelling Korean, I’ve started seeing the actual Hangul in my head when I think/hear Korean. I’ve also started to associate the locations of the Hangul characters with their locations on the Korean keyboard. 

One day, I was trying to text back my mom with “那是什么?” (Na Shi Shen Me/What’s that?) but was confused because those characters weren’t showing up. Then I realized I was typing “sk” instead of “na.” Some of you guys might get it....because “s” is where ㄴ(n) is and k is where ㅏ(a) is on the Korean keyboard. Clearly, my brain can’t handle it. It’s interesting because both the Japanese and Chinese keyboard uses the same alphabet placements as English.

Another time: I was watching a Talk To Me in Korean video where Hyunwoo talked about how 하다 is a very versatile verb. I immediately thought about how the Japanese equivalent is 수루 and even mentally mapped it out on the Korean keyboard...before realizing this is WRONG, WRONG, it’s する not 수루 LOUISE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. (They are both pronounced suru)

What’s next? 

Now that I’m back in the States, it’s going to take even more determination and self-discipline to keep up with my Korean. But I really don’t want everything I’ve worked towards to just wash down the drain. I’ll aim to finish my intermediate grammar textbook and grind anki flashcards. Hopefully, I can find a language partner or a study group. We’ll see! 

[codyfernaesthetic]

Patreon preview

Hi everyone! You’ve probably seen my patreon page linked on here before, and I wanted to give you guys a taste of my work outside of fanfic. This is part one of my short story entitled “Don’t Feed the Strays”. I’ll be posting the next part on my patreon today. Hopefully this will convince you to pledge a $1 and see where the story goes?☺️ You can find and pledge at Lovely Little Writings on Patreon.

(P.S. I think you Millory stans in particular will like this story)

October, 2018

The coffee shop quietly buzzed around Rachel as she sat at the small corner table clicking away at a ten page research paper she had neglected to start on for her English class until three days before the deadline. She had Beethoven and Mozart pumping through her earbuds for the sole reason that she heard they helped you concentrate better. She found it relentlessly boring but did find that being unable to find pleasure in the music forced her to focus on her task. Some employees of the shop had taken to teasing her when she walked in that she should grab an apron and work overtime, one of the main ones being a creepy 16 year old barely out of braces who apparently thought she was just as interested in him as he was her; so perhaps there were two reasons why she had earbuds blasting loud dead guy music. Her furious typing was interrupted by a notification at the bottom bar of her laptop screen. She hovered and clicked over red “1” on her mailbox to bring up a new tab to add to the other 7 she had open. It was one of those automated emails from a website. Someone had replied to her roommate ad.

Kelly her previous roommate had moved out a month before she got married. She’d invited her to the wedding but Rachel didn’t go. Kelly was nice and a good roommate for the most part, but not her friend. There’d only been a night or two when she and her girlfriend had woken her up with drunken sex, it wouldn’t have bothered her if one of those nights didn’t end with a leftovers left on the kitchen counter and an unidentifiable liquid spilled on the floor; much to her clean-freak dismay. She skimmed through the reply and saved it for a later time.

She jumped and gasped as something tapped her shoulder. She plucked the earbuds from her ears and looked in the direction of the disturbance. She met the artificially white smile of a stocky young woman around her own age wearing a bright blue tracksuit; her blonde hair was tightly pulled into a ponytail, perfectly plucked eyebrows framing smiling hazel eyes.

“Hey, Rachel!”

Her voice wasn’t unpleasant, but it was an annoying spotlight of sunshine in a perfectly quiet rainy sky. Rachel smiled half-heartedly, rubbing the earbud cord between her fingers, “Hi, Macy. How are you?”

Macy fluidly pulled out the other chair and sat across from her, “I’m good, how are you?”

“Fine,” she lied.

“Homework?” She playfully indicated toward the laptop.

“Yep...I have to finish an English paper. It’s due Monday and I didn’t start on it til yesterday.”

Macy nodded knowingly, “I get it. I have a Chemistry project due next week and I haven’t even taken one look at it—“

Macy continued for another two or three sentences; Rachel kept eye contact while wondering why we spill details about our mundane failures, but then felt entirely pretentious and pushed the thought away.

“But anyway,” Macy finally said, “I’m sorry to bother you-“

“Oh, you didn’t,” she lied again.

“But I really wanted to ask what you were doing for Halloween?”

Rachel blinked slowly with a blank expression, her mind whirring to life to comprehend her question, “Halloween?”

“Yeah!” She chipperly exclaimed, “There’s a carnival coming into town that’s gonna set up in Washika Park for that weekend and me and a couple others were gonna go! You wanna come with us?”

She scratched the side of her nose and shifted the laptop, stuttering, “I, well, I...I mean I don’t know.”

“Ok, well if you want to just let me know! I’ve got one spot open in my car, we’d be leaving at seven, we’d love to have you!”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll let you get back to your paper. Have a good day!”

“You too.”

Macy left the table with a cheery little wave and went off to order from the counter. Macy was a very sweet girl who had decided that Rachel was her project lonely shy-girl that she assumed had a either a bad home life or depression and needed someone to save her. Rachel could already envision the graduation speech where Macy would name drop her as a testament to her heavenly kindness. And the worst part about it was that her assumptions weren’t necessarily wrong.

She returned to her paper, wondering how she could come up with an excuse to not go to the carnival.

Unfortunately, no valid excuse came up. She didn’t have the heart to tell Macy no; and besides, she told herself, it’s no fun to stay at home alone. She kept telling herself to get out with people more, to try and make friends. This was her attempt.

She didn’t have much in the way of costume ideas, especially not in her own closet; which was composed of neutral sweaters, t shirts, and leggings. She decided to keep it simple and bought a modest black dress and a witch’s hat splashed with purple designs. She watched a few tutorials online to figure out how to do a smokey eye and concluded that makeup was far too messy for her to use in any consistent capacity. She felt like a raccoon with all the black powder smudged around her eyes, but now she had committed to the look. She sent Macy a message that she was walking out the door. At least she had convinced her to let her drive herself there. There was no way she’d be out in public without an escape plan.

The group that Macy invited consisted of a couple of her friends, tall and buff athletes who gave off an air of superiority along with their boyfriends of the same type; all of them dressed in matching Superman/Supergirl and Batman/Batgirl outfits, Macy’s boyfriend Lance, a lanky English major dressed as Edgar Allan Poe, and a friend of his who Rachel had never met. She was told he was Lance’s next door neighbor and childhood friend Carson, who was a Doctor, apparently; which one Rachel couldn’t say. Macy herself was a raven, complete with homemade wings and beak. Which Rachel found adorable. The night went by at an agonizingly slow pace. She tried to find interest their conversation, but found herself drifting off more often than she wanted to. Playing games was pretty fun, she didn’t win anything, but she enjoyed not being forced to talk. She hated heights, so she told them she would stay on the ground while they went up on the Ferris Wheel. She was grateful for the chance to be alone. Macy and her friends were fine, they weren’t rude or mean, she just didn’t connect with them. She wanted to go find someplace quiet.

She spotted a beacon in the crowd. An instant photo booth. She noticed the other patrons passing it without a glance and watched it for a moment to see that no one entered or exited from the red curtain. It would maybe provide a moment to gather her thoughts alone. She fast-walked as naturally as possible to her salvation and pulled the curtain back with a quick step forward to step inside.

“Oh, I’m sorry!”

She froze at the wide-eyed stare of the young man sitting in the booth. He was dressed in all black with a pair of fuzzy cat ears on his head. He scratched his arm with a light chuckle, “You trying to hide too?”

She blinked wordlessly for a moment before returning his awkward mirth, “Yeah, is this the escape pod?”

He smiled, “Unfortunately it’s not mobile,” he paused then scooted over with an awkward glance, “But there’s room for two.”

Rachel would have normally refused and found somewhere else, but nothing about his body language suggested that he was hitting on her; in fact he looked just as people shy as she was, almost curling up into himself. She sat down silently and kept to the other edge of the booth, more so for his comfort than hers.

After a beat of quiet and listening to the ruckus outside their sanctuary, he asked knowingly, “Who’re you escaping?”

She looked at him and bit her lower lip with a suppressed smile, “Acquaintances. You?”

He sighed heavily, looking at the bottom of the booth, “Everything.”

Her heart clenched slightly at his tone of voice.

“You not having fun with these acquaintances?” He continued.

“Not really.”

He finally looked at her, “Not your usual crowd?”

“I don’t do crowds usually.”

“Me neither,” he smiled knowingly.

A beat of silence passed. They returned to their respective staring at the ground or the wall of the enclosed box. The silence was sprinkled with nervous throat clearing or sniffling.

“Are you here with anyone?”

“Nope.”

She opened her mouth then bit down on her lip, as if to stop herself, but let out a breathy chuckle,

“So, I guess that makes you a stray?”

His brows furrowed and he scrunched up his nose as he glanced her way. She awkwardly indicated to his cat ears, earning her a small, but genuine laugh as his confusion melted away.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good word for me.”

She shrugged, words tumbling out of her mouth faster than her mind could keep up with, “Well, maybe it’s fate then. Witches are supposed to...like, come in contact with spirit guides that take the form of animals. The most popular is cats. They’re called familiars. I read an article once.”

He paused, and she mentally scolded herself. But he smiled and looked her in the eyes, “So, I’m not a stray, I just hadn’t met you yet.”

This was her first chance to get a good look at him. Though his shoulders were slumped, they appeared toned through the black shirt, his smile was charming, through his slightly parted lips she could see a single sharp canine close to scraping his lower lip, his button nose slightly red from the cold, a shaggy mess of dark brunette hair swished over blue eyes that held a sort of pained kindness.

“I guess so.”

She kept staring at him. She couldn’t help it, though she knew how creepy it must’ve been. She was usually loathe to maintain long eye contact, it made her far too uncomfortable. However, she found herself captivated, never wanting to look away from those eyes. He wasn’t a chiseled jock like Macy’s friend’s two boyfriends, but there was an odd beauty to him; his jawline was sharp, but his cheeks were round, his lips were full and soft, but his hands looked slightly calloused and strong, he was blooming with feminine grace, and bursting with male ferocity. Or perhaps Rachel was sleep deprived; which was not unlikely.

The curtain of the booth slid back, and they stared at a guy dressed as a video game character that Rachel only recognized from a few conversations she’d had at school. The guy apologized and quickly closed it again.

She stood, straightening her dress, “We probably shouldn’t be staying in here.”

“Do you wanna take a picture?” He asked suddenly. He met her surprised gaze, “I mean, just so you’ll have something from your not so fun night? Then you can tell your great grandchildren about the weird cat guy you met on Halloween.”

She answered, barely thinking of what she said, “Sure.”

She sat down closer to him and leaned on him as the pictures were taken. Two of them were normal, and he suggested two silly ones, which she obliged. He radiated heat. Their clothes shoulders were the only thing really touching, but their fingers were mere centimeters apart; a fact that Rachel desperately wanted to find uncomfortable, but only felt an excited thumping in her chest.

They exited the booth, allowing the couple outside to finally enter. They took a short, silent journey a few feet away. He lifted the strip of photos,

“You wanna split them?”

She nodded as he looked the photos over, a little smirk creeping onto his features, “Ok, just from knowing myself, I think I’m sillier of the two of us. I’ll keep these.”

She chuckled softly as he tore the photo strip and handed her, her half.

“You gonna reunite with your acquaintances or find another hiding spot?”

She gave an awkward laugh, “I think I’ll text their leader and tell them I’m not feeling well.”

He nodded, “Classic.”

She pocketed the photos, “What about you? Are you gonna face everything or hide from it some more?”

He flourished his right hand over his chest, “I am a hide and seek champion, it’ll never find me.”

The tug at her heart returned and kept her feet firmly planted. She pursed her lips and looked away from him at nothing in particular.

“I don’t wanna be presumptuous or anything,” he offered quietly, “but you seem like you could use a place to hide for a while.”

She turned her head, a bit wide-eyed.

“And I am your spirit guide after all.”

A shy smile pushed its way onto her lips. They looked at each other for a quiet moment, ignoring the noise around them. She took a breath, paused, and asked, “Where were you thinking?”

She saw his chest heave out as if he just released his breath. He rubbed the back of his head, “Are you new in town at all?”

She’d only been at the university for 6 months, and hadn’t taken the time to explore.

“A little.”

His smile lit up, “You ever been to the beach a little north from here? It’s honestly the most peaceful place at night.”

She shook her head, “I’ve never been.”

He drew into himself slightly, his voice quiet, yet inviting, “You’re welcome to join me.”

She spoke again, before her mind could catch up, a pattern seeming to emerge with this stranger, “Ok.”

[twdeadfanfic]

Life at the end of the world Pt.20

Summary: Your life as a zombie apocalypse survivor. It starts with the Reader settling into the camp at the quarry, before s1 and then follows the show events and storyline, more or less, but with the Reader in it.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Reader

Warnings: Slow burn, violence, language.

Author’s note:  I’ve been itching to write a fic like this for a long while and I write it for fun, I don’t claim to be a writer so if you find you dislike this fic, please be kind and just stop reading. English’s not my first language so maybe there’re some mistakes, I apologize in advance. For the same reason, I can’t write character’s accents and things like that. At any rate, I hope you enjoy it. There’d be several parts to this.

Masterlist

A couple of days after Daryl and Michonne left, you were back at Woodbury.

Rick wanted to inspect the place from top to bottom and take back to the prison everything useful. You walked in with your weapons in hand, but the place was empty, the Governor hadn’t come back.

It wasn’t a surprise the armory was almost empty, but you found all kind of useful things, the place was a gold mine and you found so much stuff you needed several trips to carry it all back. There was enough food to feed your large population during a few weeks, along with seeds of crops you could grow.

There were lots of supplies ranging from super useful things like batteries to things you had never thought you’d see again, like a couple of walkmans and several different CDs.

You tried one of the walkmans, putting on the earphones and blinking in surprise when you heard the sound. You hadn’t listened to music, besides Beth singing, since you left home all that time ago. You didn’t think you would be able to relax enough to use it, though. You couldn’t hear the noise around you and that was dangerous, you didn’t believe you’d feel comfortable enough to listen to music through earphones not even inside the prison fences. Maybe inside your cell, though... It was a pity there weren’t any speakers, though, the music was a welcome distraction and you knew everyone in the prison would like it.

You took the walkmans and the CDs, surely someone would give them some use.

“You think Carl may like this?” Rick showed you an intricate looking construction set, with which you could make your own tiny coliseum replica.

Where the Woodbury people had managed to find something like that and why they’d decided to take it into the village, you didn’t know, truth be told the place was full of things like that, luxuries to your eyes.

“Maybe he’ll like to sharp the wooden pieces into tiny stakes.” You joked darkly but honestly, Carl wasn’t one to play anymore, just focused on being a tiny but skilled survivor, his gun always close, always ready in case any danger crept into the prison.

He refused to get along with the other kids and kept behaving like a little soldier, and Rick seemed unable to get through his son, who was almost always upset with him as he wasn’t allowed to go on runs anymore.

Rick let out a defeated sigh, his expression falling. You knew he worried sick about Carl, knew he wanted him to enjoy his last moments of childhood as much as he could, and you guessed he felt guilty for having pushed Carl to become the person he was now without even realize it.

“Maybe he’ll like it, though...” You offered, hating to see Rick’s sorrowful expression. “I say we take it anyway, hell if he doesn’t like it then it’s mine, if I can put it together I’ll have it on display in my room.”

Rick gave you a small, grateful smile, wrapping an arm around your shoulders as you went to check the next house.

In the end, after Carl disinterest, the toy went to Patrick, a boy a couple of years older than Carl. Like Carl, the apocalypse had robbed him of his childhood but he seemed to resent it more than the Grimes kid, he was more childish but very sweet, his eyes lighting up at the sight of the construction set.

You had also found other things, like sheets, towels and other household items that were very much welcome into the cold atmosphere of the prison, which was becoming not as cold anymore as the halls, corridors and cells became full with all kind of things. You were so many in there now, the place felt lived in and warm, and you found you liked it.

Several cellblocks were now full of people and the cells were being decorated with things you had brought back from Woodbury. Someone had the idea of using sheets as curtains for the doors of the cells, giving more privacy and shielding them from the sun.

Everyone had jobs, depending on their abilities, though most of you shifted between tasks, trying to learn about the ones you knew less. You usually alternated between watch duty and working at clearing the fences from walkers. They were more each day, pushing dangerously at the fences.

There were plans in the long term to create a sort of school for the few kids that now lived there, mostly to take care of the kids and teach them if only the most basic things. A couple of people volunteered to help with it as soon as the school were up and going, whenever that was, and you offered your services too if needed, though you weren’t used to teaching children that young and weren’t really keen on getting back to your teaching job.

That life seemed so long gone...

To your surprise, Carol volunteered too, seeming really interested in it, no matter how busy she already was all the time. She was always busy, coordinating lots of activities around the prison and in charge of cooking almost all the meals, helped by some Woodbury people. Sometimes she joined you when you were clearing walkers at the fences and you cherished those moments, when you had the chance to chat with her for a while as you worked. You felt a bit sad you didn’t get to talk as much with her as you used too, but in all honestly, you all were busy, trying to make this new life at the prison work.

Between Carol having little to no time and Daryl gone, you couldn’t help but feel lonely sometimes.

You missed Daryl, even more than you had thought you would. You had hoped that your feelings would ebb away while he wasn’t there, but you found yourself longing for him.

When about ten days passed without him and Michonne been back, you were so worried you felt you might just start crying. Where were they? Had they ran into trouble? Had they been attacked by the Governor? Maybe ran into a herd of walkers?

“Rick...shouldn’t we go looking for Daryl and Michonne?” You asked after finding Rick in the hall of your cellblock doing some inventory. “Shouldn’t they be back by now? Maybe something happened to them?”

Rick seemed a bit stressed lately but managed to give you a small, reassuring smile.

“They told me not to expect them for a while, they wanted to follow the Governor’s trail until they found him and it might take them several days, more than a week.” He explained, trying to reassure you. “They don’t want to lose time having to come back and then go again. But you know them, they’ll be fine.”

“Okay...” Still, you worried, didn’t think you couldn’t stop until they were back unharmed.

“Come on, help me with this.” He handed you the papers with a tired sigh. “I need to know how long this food is going to last us and when we’ll need to go on another run, besides I want to keep stored a quarter of our non-perishable food for times of need.”

“Don’t stress about it, we’re better than ever.” You assured him, patting his shoulder.

“Yeah...still, we have to be careful to make this work... A couple of the Woodbury people told me they might know a couple of places where we could go on a run, I’m going to check it with them later.”

“Good, we’re gonna be just fine.”

A couple of days after your conversation with Rick, you walked up the stairs of the watchtower, ready for your shift, and found Maggie standing there, hands on her hips, looking down at her sister talking lively with Zach, a boy around her age who had come from Woodbury.

You had seen them chatting here and there and you thought they were into each other, though neither of them had made a move yet. You couldn’t help your smile looking at them.

“What you think?” You elbowed Maggie gently.

“I think there’s definitely something going on and she’s lucky daddy hadn’t realized yet.”

“Come on! I think is sweet.” You laughed. “I think it’s good Beth has someone of her age and he doesn’t seem bad...”

“Yeah...yeah, I want her to be happy.” There was a fond smile on Maggie’s face now. “She deserves it, having friends and a boyfriend, dating and all that things she should have had...”

You wrapped an arm around Maggie’s waist and you leaned into each other, feeling a bit melancholic of all the things all of you had missed out thanks to the world ending. But you had met her and all your new family thanks to it.

“How’s married life treating you?”

“Great, it is just great!” She beamed at you. “We’ve been so busy lately, but we try to find time for each other and...I don’t know Y/N, I just love him more every day, he has become this amazing man, helping dad and Rick around and I’m so proud...”

Maggie had a dreamy smile on her face and you were truly happy for her.

“Yeah, I see how you manage to get the watchtower for you two almost every night.” You teased, winking at her.

“A girl needs her privacy.” She laughed, pushing you playfully with her shoulder.

Next day Rick asked you to go on a run with him, Carol, Sasha and another man from Woodbury whose name you still couldn’t remember, to check a place the man had located in a map.

You said yes right ahead, wanting to occupy your mind doing something useful and less monotonous than killing the walkers off the fence

The place was a cabin with a small garden, abandoned long ago, you didn’t have many hopes of finding anything there, which was unfortunate considering there weren’t any geeks around for now, it would have been such an easy run.

There wasn’t much outside the building so you all made your way inside the house after checking no walker came out when you knocked on the door.

The house seemed emptied of everything already, but a sound in which seemed to be the only bedroom of the cabin you all on guard. Carefully, you all followed Rick as he barged into the room, guns pointed in front of you.

You all froze in place when you saw a man holding a big stake in front of him, two blonde little girls hidden behind him. They had a wild, scared look in their faces and you all lowered your weapons, following Rick’s lead.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” He said calmly to the man, raising his hands. The man looked at you with distrust but began lowering the stake. “We mean you no harm.”

For a moment nobody moved or talked, but Rick seemed to make a decision.

“I promise we’re not going to hurt you or the girls. We have a group, a safe place. Would you like to come with us? I promise we’re not bad people.”

The man looked at you in disbelieve and as if he weren’t sure it wasn’t a trap. You couldn’t blame his suspicion, after all the evil you had seen in the world. But then he looked back at the little girls with worry in his eyes, seemed to take a decision and nodded.

“How many walkers have you killed?” Rick asked.

The man seemed surprised. “I don’t know, a few of them.”

“And how many people?”

“None, I wouldn’t...”

Rick raised his hand to make him stop talking, “Okay. You’re welcome to come with us if you want.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry about this,” the man waved the stake. “These days the living seem to be more dangerous than the dead.”

You all could relate to that.

The man had a small stash of canned food and scarce supplies which he helped you take back to the cars. You all tried to talk with him and the little girls, telling them who you were, trying to show them you weren’t dangerous, that you wanted to help, hoping they would stop looking scared and like expecting you to attack them at any moment.

Before you left, Rick spotted a tomato plant and cut it to see if Hershel could grow it in the farm.

“We’re going to be eating salads in no time, hope you like your vegetables.” You said to the little girls, who were watching how Rick worked on the plant with curiosity. They gave you a small smile and you were glad they seemed to be feeling better around you.

By the time you were in your cars, the family seemed a bit more relaxed.

“This is good, we can do this, help people now that we can.” You smiled to Rick from the passenger seat of his car.

“Yeah, yeah, I guess we can.” He gave you a small smile.

That was how you met Ryan and his daughters Lizzie and Mika, who had lost her mother a long time ago. The little girls seemed to be fond of Carol, who had been sweet and caring with them since you found them and soon they were friends with all the Woodbury kids.

Day by day, that prison felt more and more like a place worth living in, not only a refugee against the dangers of the world but a true and beloved home.

If only Daryl and Michonne were there...

Another week passed without any notice from them and worry sat heavy in your stomach every day, thoughts of them having run into trouble always in your mind. And you missed Daryl so much that it almost physically hurt, so you tried to busy yourself with work as much as possible.

You were clearing walkers off the fence in the backyard of the prison, angrily sinking a metal bar into the brain of the monsters, venting your frustration and worry into that task.

“Keep that up and you are going to end up with bigger arms than Tyreese.” Carol joked.

You jumped, startled, not having heard her approach, which just made her laugh quietly at you.

“Are you in a bad mood? “She asked, passing you a bottle of water.

“Just trying not to think.” You gulped down almost half the bottle in one go. “Aren’t you worried? Daryl and Michonne have been away for a while now...”

“They can take care of themselves.”

You rolled your eyes, tired of hearing everyone telling you the same. Sure, they were the best fighters but still, the world was dangerous and they could encounter a million threats.

You made to kept clearing walkers but Carol got a hold of the bar, stopping you.

“Why you don’t let that go for a bit...” You let her take the bar off you. “There’re barely any left, Karen will put down the rest and then we’ll burn the bodies...”

“Okay...” You grimaced a bit as you noticed for the first time how sore your arms were.

“You look disgusting.” Carol chuckled a bit, looking at the walker’s blood that had spattered over you while you worked.

She poured some water into a rag and began washing your face. You smiled softly, you’ve been missing her easy affection. “Thanks...”

“Now go and change into something clean, I want you to help me with the kids today.”

“Yes, boss.” You gave her a hug and let her go to look for Karen, who was working on another fence.

You had just finished changing into fresh clothes, having spent a bit sorting the laundry, when you heard a knock on the bars of your cell. Your eyes opened wide, a big grin on your face, when you saw Michonne lifting the curtain that covered the door, smiling at your happy face.

“You’re back!” You hug her as soon as she walked in. “You’re safe!”

“Told you we would.” She held you, chuckling softly.

“Daryl?”

“He’s fine.” She assured you, noticing the worry in your voice.” He’s talking with Rick, they need to catch up, but I wanted to see you.”

You longed to see Daryl and you wanted to run and find him, but were elated to see Michonne back too, and were happy she’d decided to come to see you right after talking with Rick.

“So, you know I told you I’d bring you something to decorate your room...” She began, and you nodded eagerly. “Well, I couldn’t really find anything...but I got you this.”

With a totally serious face, she handed you a stone the size of your hand in which she seemed to have drawn a cartoonish cat face with a black marker. The silliness of the situation made you burst out laughing.

“Thank you! It’s perfect!” You replied in all honesty.

The fact that Michonne had thought of you, had taken the time to make that, had intended to make you laugh, warmed your heart and filled it with happiness. You threw your arms around her neck and held her tight as she laughed too.

“What do you think?” You place the stone the on the tiny shelve of the wall so the cat face was looking at your bed as a feline guardian angel.

“Perfect.” She grinned at you.

“So...” You didn’t want to ruin the cheerful mood but you needed to know. “Did you find him, is he dead?”

Michonne’s smile fell.

“No...we followed his trail, we tracked him, but he just sort of disappeared at one point.” She explained, anger in her voice. “We kept trying but we just couldn’t find him anywhere...”

That were bad news, but at least he wasn’t close, he might very well be dead by now.

“He must be far from here by now or probably a walker ate him already.” You tried to comfort her but Michonne shook her head.

“I came back to resupply but I’m leaving at first light, I’m going to keep looking for him, I have to...”

“Michonne...”

“I have to, Y/N.”

You nodded, she was determined, you could see there was no way and none who could change her mind, it was important to her. That didn’t mean you didn’t feel sad about it and you worried again about her going out for who knew how long.

“Come on.” She threw an arm around your shoulders to walk you out of the cell. “Let’s find Daryl, I know you’re dying to see him.” You didn’t bother trying to deny it. “And I need to talk with Rick.”

You found both men talking in the backyard. When Rick noticed you two coming, he pated Daryl’s shoulder in goodbye and gestured to Michonne to follow him inside of one of the cellblocks.

“See you later!”

You said to Michonne as she rushed to meet Rick while Daryl walked towards you, and you had to stop yourself from running to him.

“I’m so glad you’re back.” You grinned, reaching out your arms to hug him, satisfied when he hugged you back, resting his forehead on your shoulder as he let out a weary sigh.

“I was worried, you were gone for so long, I thought something had happened...”

“I lost the Governor’s track...” He pulled away from you, sounding angry at himself. Knowing him as you did, you knew he was probably blaming himself. “I tried to look for him for a while but I couldn’t find him...”

“Michonne told me the track disappeared at one point...She’s going out to look for him again tomorrow...”

Daryl nodded and your heart sank at the thought of Daryl leaving again. It wasn’t that you wanted Michonne to go out alone, that was even more dangerous, but you had missed Daryl so much, you were so glad to see him back safe, you weren’t ready to say goodbye again.

“Are you going with her?” You sounded more vulnerable that you had intended to, but you couldn’t help it.

“No.”

You couldn’t help your smile, you were so glad he was staying.

“There’s no point. The trail is cold, I’ve lost him...”

“Hey...” You reached out your hand to squeeze his, hating he was berating himself for it. “It’s not your fault, you tried, okay? I’m sure he’s far away from here now, probably he’s already dead...”

Daryl shrugged unconvinced, you knew it would take more than that to make him stop blaming himself, but he laced his fingers with yours and gave you that shy and small half smile that made your heart flutter, while his blue eyes looked over you seriously.

You chewed on your lower lip, lost in thought for a moment as you stared at him. You were so relieved he was back, you never wanted to see him go again... and he was playing with your fingers, looking at you in a way that made you wonder if maybe...

It took all your courage but you decided to go for it. You had waited way too long and your mind and body were urging you to do it, your relief at him being back and safe mixing with your longing for him and with the feelings you had been harboring for him during months.

Slowly, giving him time to stop you, you leaned forward and stood on tiptoes to press a gentle, tentative kiss to his lips. When you felt him kissing you back, his lips brushing softly against yours, your heart began beating so fast you thought it might jump out of your chest and you were so happy you felt you were floating.

It lasted barely a second, though, then Daryl roughly pulled away from you.

You looked at him with questioning, shocked eyes but he just turned around and began walking away from you.

“Daryl! Daryl, wait, please!” You called after him, following him, but he ignored you, walking faster and making it clear he didn’t want to talk with you.

You were devastated, berating yourself for being that impulsive. It felt like your heart was shattering, a lump in your throat that you couldn’t swallow.

You were supposed to smother your stubborn feelings, not to act on them. Now you were sure you had managed to ruin your friendship with Daryl, scaring him away from you and losing him.

You dig your nails into your palms, broken-hearted, angry at yourself, trying not to cry as you watched him walk away without looking back at you.

N/A: So...she kissed him, even if it didn’t go that well. At first when I began writing this fic I thought about waiting for this moment more, making it happen later...but then I kept writing I said, nah, I want it now. I hope it wasn’t to soon for you...let me know. And I’m sorry (well, not really) it didn’t went well!

@momc95​@jodiereedus22​@osweetdevilo​@sapphire1727​@coffeebooksandfandom​  @the-destielr​@checkintoreality​@aislingsartistry​@daddys-little-princess67​@sesshomaru-lover​ @crossbowking​  @coltcas @feartheendlesssummer @izumi37 @gruffle1

I’ve been told the notifications don’t work sometimes...did you get yours?

I never thought anyone’d like to be tag in any of my stories so thank you! It means the world! <3

If you want to be tagged please let me know.

[emma-nation]

In My Veins - KamilahxMC Fanfiction (Chapter 3)

Summary: Inspired by Lovestruck’s “Havenfall is For Lovers” (Antonio). Amy is a regular, small-town girl looking for her first job in New York City. When she gets kidnapped by the powerful CEO, Kamilah Sayeed, she’ll have to discover her true goals… before it’s too late.

Genre: Romance

Rating: T

Notes:

- As promised, I’ll keep updating this fic - English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes - This fanfic is slightly inspired by Lovestruck’s story Havenfall Is For Lovers - Antonio, but I intend to make it more interesting and steamier too :P

- I hope you enjoy it, your likes and reviews are always appreciated.

“This one looks perfect, Ms. Parker!”

“I know,” Amy smirked ironically.

Of course the dress looked perfect. It was the most expensive Ella, Kamilah’s personal stylist, had presented so far. The vampire CEO wouldn’t keep Amy imprisoned, and force her to go to this event, without losing some thousand dollars.

In only a few days, she made Kamilah buy her new clothes, perfumes, a video game console and all the food she was carving for. It didn’t seem to bother her.

Then, Amy found out Kamilah was obsessed with organization and silence, so leaving her clothes spread everywhere and listening to loud music became a routine. She also broke a rare artifact and drank a expensive bottle of wine. Kamilah wasn’t happy, obviously, but it still wasn’t enough for her to kick Amy out of the house.

“Ms. Sayeed,” Ella announced. “We’ve found the perfect dress.”

“Let me see it,” the vampire CEO emerged from her office to the living room.

In silence she examined Amy’s dress. It almost seemed like she was impressed. Her deep gaze met Amy’s, penetrating through her soul and giving her butterflies in the stomach.

“Indeed,” she finally said. “It looks fine. We’re buying it.”

“Uhhh did you see this price tag?” Amy showed, accidentally removing the tag. “Ops!”

Kamilah shrugged, inviting the stylist to her office to pay for the dress.

Amy couldn’t stop admiring herself in the mirror in front of her. She felt like she was living a dream, except for the fact Kamilah was only waiting for the right moment to kill her. Through the mirror, she noticed Kamilah discreetly peeking from her office. Amy felt her cheeks burning.

Hours later, she was ready for the event. Right in time. Her plans of making them late were frustrated when Kamilah decided to help with her hair and make-up, as if she could read her mind.

It was 7:30 PM when the bell started to ring. Kamilah was still getting dressed in her bedroom. Amy decided to answer the door and torture her a little bit. When she opened, a handsome man in a suit waited outside.

“Oh,” he looked surprised to see someone else, other than Kamilah. “Hello. I’m Adrian Raines. Kamilah’s friend.”

“I’m Amy Parker,” she shook his hand. “Kamilah’s…”

Hostage, she’d say. But Kamilah appeared behind her, touching her firmly on the shoulder.

“New assistant,” she finished.

Her lie infuriated Amy. Without thinking, she responded almost immediately.

“Girlfriend.”

“What?!” Adrian opened his mouth in shock.

When Kamilah looked at her again, her eyes seemed bottomless. Her face had no expression. But Amy new she had finally hit a nerve. She was angry, really angry.

“It’s about time to make it public,” she continued, “right Kami?”

For a few seconds, she enlaced her fingers on Kamilah’s. Discreetly, she pulled away.

“I had no idea…” Adrian was still surprised, indicating Kamilah probably hadn’t had partners for a while. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because…” Kamilah didn’t know what to say. Her face was completely red in a mix of hate and embarrassment. “It’s too soon. We don’t even know if it’s going to last.”

“Oh,” Adrian scratched his head, noticing the awkwardness of the situation. “So, are you guys ready to go?”

“Yes,” Kamilah told. “But before, I need to speak to Amy. In private.”

“Of course, I’ll be waiting in the car.”

As soon as Adrian closed the door behind him, Kamilah lunged to her direction and in a blink of an eye she pinned Amy against the wall, holding both of her wrists.

“Listen, mortal and listen well,” she snarled. “I’m getting tired of your little games. You ruin this night for me and I’ll ruin your life!”

“I have nothing to lose,” Amy provoked. “You’re going to kill me anyways. Won’t you?”

Kamilah didn’t answer. Instead, she kept looking intensely inside Amy’s eyes. Then, those feelings returned. Electric pulses sparked all through Amy’s body, making her shiver. Even though she tried to resist, she liked it.

“Not again,” she thought. “You’re being compelled, Amy. Fight against it.”

She turned her look back to Kamilah’s face. For a second, she felt some insecurity, a vulnerability, on the woman in front or her. Those fangs suddenly didn’t seem so dangerous. She felt the impulse of touching them, if her arms weren’t restrained.

“I won’t cause you trouble,” Amy guaranteed. “I promise.”

“You better keep your word.”

During the target to the event, Amy found many things about Adrian Raines. He was the millionaire CEO of Raines Corporation and Kamilah’s best friend.

“So I assume you’re also a…”

“Vampire? Yes. Did you told her already, Kamilah?”

“It’s hard to keep things from Amy. She kinda found out, by herself.”

“She seems to be a smart girl,” he complimented.

Amy sighed. Adrian was the perfect type of man. He was gentle, kind, humorous, he did things in benefit of the others… How could he even be Kamilah’s friend? She was the opposite. Amy wondered if being a vampire, he was capable of the same things, like kidnapping and murdering an innocent person.

They arrived at the event. A charity event, in benefit of the environment and wildlife. Why did Kamilah even get invited? She only cared about her own benefits. She definitely wasn’t the kind that had fluffy panda videos on her browser history.

“It’s a disguise,” Amy thought. “Behind this, she must feed from cute forest animals, like some fictional vampires.”

For her surprise, Kamilah showed some preference over the Vegan dinner that was served. She wasn’t a big fan of meat, she mentioned. Only eating it occasionally.

“Okay… Apparently the murder part only apply to human beings,” Amy told herself, before paying attention on Kamilah’s conversation with Adrian.

“Any news on the investigation about the attacks?” She asked.

“Not really,” Adrian sighed. “I had a meeting with Priya, but she didn’t take it serious.”

“As always,” Kamilah rolled her eyes.

“Now I need to face The Baron. This last feral worked as bartender on his club.”

“This is quite dangerous, why don’t you send somebody else in your place?”

“Yeah, I was thinking about sending Nicole.”

Unable to hold herself any longer, Amy finally spoke.

“So Priya, The Baron… Are they vam-”

“Shhhh!” Kamilah frowned.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize we were the only supernatural table at the event.”

“They are clan leaders,” Adrian answered her question. “Like me and Kamilah.”

Great. The she devil had a clan. Even if Amy managed to escape a horde of vampires still could be coming after her, like the battle scene from Twilight.

“And how many members do you guys have in your clans?”

“Thirty,” Kamilah replied. “In each of the six clans.”

“180 vampires, only in New York?” Amy gulped.

“Plus the Clanless,” Adrian added.

Adrian told Amy about the Clanless and explained the Ferals situation.

“So you don’t kill humans at all? The Ferals are responsible for the recent attacks?”

“No, it’s a violation of the Pact. We only feed from consenting humans.”

“Oh,” she glanced at Kamilah, who looked away.

“I thought Kamilah had told you everything?”

“Not really, she didn’t have time.”

“I’ll get another drink,” Kamilah stood up, clearly uncomfortable.

In her absence, Adrian was curious to know details about their relationship.

“How long have you been dating Kamilah, Amy?”

“Only a couple of months.”

“And how did you guys meet? Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re different from what I’d imagine as Kamilah’s type.”

Amy invented a story about meeting Kamilah at her company, during a job interview. She wondered why she just couldn’t reveal Adrian the truth. He’d never agree with Kamilah’s plans.

“Well Amy,” he smiled. “I can tell something has changed in Kamilah already. I’m glad she has found you, she… She was through a lot in the past.”

Before Amy could explore further this last part, Kamilah returned, clearing her throat. Amy changed the subject, learning about Adrian’s company and its commitment to the planet and the wildlife. He also told the other charity projects he was part, along with Kamilah.

“I don’t understand anything anymore,” Amy told herself. “If she has such a good heart under those ice walls… Why the hell is she planning to murder me? She’ll need to give me a very good explanation!”

Moments later, a photographer went to their table, asking to take pictures of the group before Adrian and Kamilah were called to the stage for a special thanks for their donations to the cause.

For Kamilah’s dismay, Amy told the photographer they were dating. Giving enough information for the tabloids to speculate over the next few weeks.

Later that night, Amy was lying in her bed reminiscing about every part of the night. Now she was finally getting to know Kamilah’s true nature, maybe it was time to change her strategy. She’d be nice and cooperative, giving Kamilah exactly what she wanted. If she really had a good heart, at some point she’d feel guilty enough to give up on her plan.

She knocked Kamilah’s office door, the vampire CEO invited her in.

“So this is why you need me to sign your contract,” Amy concluded. “You’ll need proof that I consented with your plan when you face The Council.”

“Exactly. You learn fast, Amy.”

“I’ve decided. I’m signing it.”

“Will you?!”

“Yes, I’ve learned a lot about you tonight. You’re a good person, Kamilah. Even if you don’t let it show. You care about the others, about nature and wildlife… So there must be a really good reason you want to use my blood. If this is for such a noble cause, I consent.”

Her face acquired an expression Amy had never seen so far. She was surprised, in shock. While Amy signed the papers, she only watched, unable to say a word.

Before she left, Kamilah softly touched her arm, stopping her.

“Amy, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“For tonight, I mean… Though you dared to defy me in the beginning, I appreciate you kept our secret from Adrian. I’ll tell him, at the right time.”

“You don’t owe me any explanations. I did what I thought that was right. Good night, Kamilah.”

“Good night, Amy.”

Something in the look Kamilah gave her as she left, made Amy truly believe her new strategy was just starting to work.

Next Chapter: When Amy gets sick, Kamilah needs to decide between sticking to her plan or taking her to a hospital. Coming Soon!

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON NIGHTMARE’S VOCAL, DANCE ZHAO DAXIA...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Xia CURRENT AGE: 19 DEBUT AGE:17 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: Koala.T SECONDARY SKILL: N/A

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): nightmare’s babydoll, xixi INSPIRATION: daxia was largely inspired to be an idol by her favorite groups, who she’d began to love after seeing online videos. after winning a small talent contest at her school, she said that it showed her what fame and being loved by fans felt like and that she’d give anything to feel that for the rest of her life. from there on, she began grinding to work towards becoming the sweet and talented idol she is today. SPECIAL TALENTS:

martial arts - she started learning at the six and continued classes off-and-on until receiving her black belt at the age of thirteen.

choreography - after being a dedicated for so long, she’s practiced many years so master several of her favorite group’s choreographies from the last three generations, going as far as to try to mimic their mannerisms.

impressions - often teasing, but she has a special skill for impersonating both her members and other idols she’s fond of.

NOTABLE FACTS:

she was first found after starring on the show “superstar k”, where she placed 4th.

she once went on a trip to new york city and took a picture with rihanna.

daxia’s a huge fan of western music from the 90’s, and once a week she posts song recommendations for fans to follow and add to their playlist, along with an extended explanation and preferred method of listening.

she is known for her significant weight loss during her time as a trainee to debut, losing around 22 kg in a month. she refuses to say how, for fear others will try it as well.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

daxia does not hope that nightmare will change their concept, but instead that it will be better received by the public as they keep promoting, she also hopes that as they get more experienced, she will be more natural at fitting in with the dark concept. she wants to also better connect with international fans more, and hopes to be able to travel to china on tour and connect with fans in her native tongue.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

despite the cultural difference, daxia hopes to become a beloved figure of the korean entertainment. while highly ambitious, she hopes that she’ll have a lengthy and successful career and eventually be able to venture into other types such as acting and more variety. she wants to be a long term public figure known for her personality, and eventually be able to earn enough to move her parents to korea.

IDOL IMAGE

[did you see that new girl  they added, daxia? she doesn’t look like the nightmare type at all.]

cute face, devilish grin. daxia’s introduction to nightmare was certainly a shocking one, such childlike features accompanying such an eerie concept. and yet, in a way, it works. the deceitfulness in her smiles is just the soft energy they need. sure, nightmare doesn’t ever catch a break because of their concept, but in a way it’s xia who helps bring the cuteness back that they’re missing.

[i heard she’s the least talented out of the bunch, though. is she just a pretty face?]

upon her debut, she receives almost instant criticism. she’s lacking skills. she shouldn’t have debuted so soon. she barely can speak korean. all in all, everyone seems to view her as a trainee who still needs lots of work. what could she do? it’s not like she doesn’t agree, but daxia had been dying to make it big and nightmare seemed like her only chance. she tries her hardest to work hard, but they don’t seem to get past her swift debut and lackluster skills. the only thing that’s saving her is her charisma, even the anti-fans can’t deny she has an incredible stage presence and personality onscreen.

[yeah, i think so. but she’s a little cute….right?]

so koala.t uses a new method, using her downfalls as their strength. within a month of debut, they stray her away from the dark character it seemed everyone else was playing. instead, they have her play dumb. since they can’t seem to do much with her, they work with her flaws and make them “cute” to the audience. her korean, which is lacking but nevertheless improving, is told to be intentionally worse to play the clueless foreigner card. her voice cracks are made to be a cute mishap, and her lack of coordination can be attributed to her adorable clumsiness. koala.t feels that all her critiques have been swiftly cleaned up, but xia can’t say she feels the same. unable to be completely herself, to be made to be some quirky, relatable little kid for the public’s sake.

[i guess so. she’s sweet, at least. i think she likes what she does.]

but it’s not all bad, in xia’s book. being among the youngest of the bunch means she’s frequently doted on, and gets the privilege of teasing her members without seeming to mean. she’s known as “nightmare’s babydoll”, the sort of sunlight in such a dark concept. her fanservice and frequent streams make her a favorite among those who prefer personality to skill, something she can’t decide on whether she likes or not. whatever her beliefs, her marketing as the cute side, the “dawn”, of a hellish nightmare, has been one that’s put xia out of the darkness.

IDOL HISTORY

begin. from the very first few seconds she left the womb, daxia knew she was special. born a daughter, the only child to parents who for so long had tried to conceive a child. while she wasn’t hardly wealthy enough to be deemed spoiled, daxia always felt confident that there was a place for her in the world. her first steps, first words, first meal, all of it was caught on camera alongside the cheers of proud parents. they cherished her. cherished her so much that they never let her out of their sight. how could they, anyways, when all the bad in the world was so willing to swallow up girls like her? daxia was known to be terribly susceptible to colds, had an extensive list of allergies, and all the likes. even her asthma, which she felt was a minor setback, would result in panic anytime it decided to cause her some trouble. she was a small, cute thing, their bao, or treasure.

both in their mid 30s, they raised her in a disciplined yet loving household. to satisfy their fears, the girl was homeschooled all throughout her schooling years, drilled with lessons in math, english, and more. her friends all lay within her stuffed animals, and when she got older shifted to living souls behind her computer screen. with the bulk of social interaction coming from her parents and penpals, xia soon got bored and resorted to a different form of entertainment. something fresh. something….exciting. kpop. her parents, being extremely traditional, accepted nothing but the chinese ballads they filled the house with. so, in secret, she plugged her headphones in and began to fall a little deeper for the celebrities who seemed so far away. her hobby soon became addiction, and within a few months she could tell anyone who listened an alphabetical list of over a hundred boy and girl groups. you see, it took her away. away from her parents, from wuxi, from china. for once, she felt like she wasn’t trapped within her house but instead apart of something much more. korea, in general, soon gained her interest, and she slowly shifted from interest solely in idols to learning the language and culture. by the time she turned 17, she’d begun learning simple phrases and had her eyes set on the country.

if she was being completely and utterly honest with herself, daxia knew she had no place at home. she had no work skills, no real talents, only a passion and a kind soul. it was only when she stumbled upon an advertisement for a talent competition based in korea that she began taking the idea of a future seriously. a future with her passion, in which she may even be able to share the stage with her idols. daxia, being the ambitious teenager she was, worked her hardest to land a spot. staying up late at dance studios, visiting vocal coaches. her savings account, which had largely been holding funds from her job, was emptied to get her plane ticket there.

those dreams soon came crashing down, when her reign of superstar k quickly ended as she left the show with 4th place. the people had loved her bright spirit and small-town girl feel, but it hadn’t been enough to win a talent-based competition. with low spirits and even lower funds, she’d just begun her travels back home when the company she knew well, koala.t, contacted her in hopes of bringing her into the agency. it was clear she had a lot to improve, but her bright spirit and work ethic gave them a sort of momentum.. sooner than she ever thought possible with the talents she had, she was put into nightmare’s lineup. how was it possible? even daxia knew, with the optimistic lenses she saw the world with, that there was less celebrating than she’d hoped. other trainees had worked far longer, far harder, and had the talent to back it up. what was daxia doing, standing next to such talented girls? the thought haunted her, and the constant criticisms of her surprise debut didn’t make it any easier.

just like that, all daxia’s ideas of what reality was were all ripped from her eyes. she was thrown into the trainee scene faster than she could imagine, as her family watched on with shock. in a country she could barely understand, working to be just like the people she’d always felt were in another universe. the transition was anything but easy, filled with tear-filled nights of frustration and the same, sad homesick feeling whenever she thought of her family back home. she was 16, her parent’s bao, who had always been raised a baby. now, here she was, with the culture shock of her life and struck with the reality of independence and the entertainment industry.

nightmare’s concept hit her like a pound of bricks, as she had to learn concepts such as alluring and sexy. never had she been associated with these words before, but she tried her best to catch up with the rest of her members. the cute, soft daxia was certainly still there. but with such high stakes, she was willing to do whatever it took. she was already let go once, and she’d be damned if she let her only opportunity to be a somebody go through her hands like that again. her hard work seemed to be working against her, though, for every time

everyone swears her charm is in her uniqueness, but daxia wishes everything in her it isn’t true. because it’s all her differences that make her faults, and no matter how out there nightmare might be in concept she hopes they don’t say the same about her, the individual. so she smiles like everyone, tries to speak like everyone, and doesn’t dare complain.

because she’s different, she knows, but will do anything to hide from the spotlight and blend into the background.

[telltheworld-phff]

Chapter 1 - The day I met you

After putting so much thought about sharing this history with you guys I decided I’m going to post it. This history made itself into my mind in July last year and I spent the last seven months putting it together in a timeline and choosing the path the characters are going to take. 

But before I start there are two things that must be said:

First of them: English isn’t my native language. And I actually write this history in portuguese and then translate it to english. So I apologize for all the misspellings and errors you may find here.

And second I only own original characters and they’re listed in the page “Meet the Characters”. I do not own the public characters that are going to be shown here. And I do not intend to infringe any copyright law. They’re shaped in and written about just for the sake of history telling. 

The title of this history is based on Crown Princess Victoria and Prince Daniel’s original song that was played at their wedding and is by Björn Skifs, Agnes Carlsson, Storkyrkans kör, Gustaf Sjökvist Kammarkör

So here it goes: 

PART I

AUGUST 2016

The cloudy day matched how she was feeling inside. She just knew. She knew she had failed, yet again. She was already dreading arriving home to tell her mom that she didn't get the job she needed. She knew that her mom would be disappointed but would manage to put on a smile and say that she'd find one soon enough. She knew that they'd soon have to get a loan in the bank to help pay all the bills. And she thought about every single one of them. Specially one: her education. She wanted to have a break at college, because it was their biggest expense. She'd be sad, of course, but fine with no attending classes if it meant that they would be able to pay for everything without her mom overworking herself, but her mom was determined to not have it happen. While she walked through Paulista Avenue, one of her favorite places in her city, she was lost in her thoughts, in her worries and in her fears. She saw a typical day on the financial centre of São Paulo. Men in suits, women in work attire, most of them walking hurriedly while talking on their phones without really looking around and appreciating the beauty inside this concrete jungle. She also saw students leaving their schools, cheery, loud and happy, without a care in the world. Most of them heading to one of the various restaurants nearby to have lunch. She walked more blocks than she needed to, until she arrived at a subway station. She got in and made sure to check twice for direction that she had to take. Even though this part of the city was well known for her she wasn't trusting her mind at the moment.

As always, she couldn't find a place to sit and stood for the full 30 minute ride. She didn't notice any of it. She arrived at ther station and simply walked to the bus station. She was trying to think a way for her to get a job. She had already tried sending her resume to all her friends, and friends of friends. She had already gone to almost every mall in the city and delivered it in almost every store. In some of them, the manager would be simpathetic and lay out the truth: "We're not hiring right now. You know, the crisis...". In others would just say that they'd call if a spot would be available. None called. She understood that they were living in a financial crisis. She knew that she wasn't the only one unable to find a job. Statistics said that Brazil had right now more than 12 million unemployed people. And was in the middle of a political crisis. And facing a big recession. 

She didn't notice she was arriving home until she almost missed her stop. She walked through the streets of her neighborhood, looking at the simple houses, the children playing carelessly and barefoot in the street, and wanted to get home as soon as possible to get rid of her high heels that were already hurting her feet. She did it first thing after opening the door. She lived in a small house with her mom. It wasn't big, but it was home for her. Confortable enough for both of them. It had simple white walls in all rooms, but was painted a pale green on the outside. Every single space of the house showed their personality on the furniture and decorations. It was the first house she lived in after her parents divorce. It was way simpler than the apartment she lived in before. And she loved it with all her heart. She changed clothes quickly and headed to the kitchen to start dinner. The kitchen had grey and white tiles and a big window near the stove, where she could look at her patio and her mom's garden. She washed her hands and opened the cabinets to start sorting the ingredients for the meal she was going to make. She put on a soft music on the background to listen to while chopping the vegetables. Soon the music "Just Breathe" started playing and she smiled. That was the first time she smiled on that day. Cooking had become a therapy for her, and she loved doing it.

A few hours later, her mom arrived. She knew it by the way the keys turned in the gates when she opened it, the way her steps sounded on the floor of their lateral patio and for the smell of cigarrettes that lingered on her clothing. "Oi, Vida", Maria said when she noticed her daughter was home already. "Already making us dinner, I see?", she entered the kitchen to find her daughter cooking silently and methodically. She noticed something was wrong, but instead of asking for it, she decided to let her daughter tell her what it was when she was ready to share. Almost twenty three years of knowing Carolina and the friendship they shared hinted to her that this would be the best approach. "Oi, mãe", she said stirring, the meat inside the pan without looking her mother in the eye. "I wanted to do it." "Again. You know, Carolina, I think that sometimes you want to get your hands on my tittle of chef." Her mom smiled and opened the fridge for a cold beer after washing her hands. "You want one?" "No, thanks. And they do say that the apple doesn't fall too far away from the tree." She smiled. "And I didn't get the job, again. So I needed something to keep my mind from overthinking it." Carol just blurted it out. "Oh" Her mom stopped and looked at her. "I'm sorry. But you will find something else soon enough. And meanwhile you know I'll find a way to pay the bills" "It's been six months, mãe. I think we should really reconsider me going to college. If I stopped, you wouldn't have to work overtime. You're not young anymore, you know." She started washing the salad leaves in the sink while waiting for the meat to cook. "You going to school is non-negotiable, miss. I didn't have a chance to go. You do. And you should really stop hinting that I am old." She laughed then and said, "I think I am going to call your father." "Why?", Carolina stopped and turned to look at her mom with wide eyes. "Well, he does have a daughter and he's supposed to help you financially.", She stated matter of factly. "He didn't help me financially when we lived in the same house, why would he now? And you know that he's going to rub it in our faces later, like he always does." "Well, I am going to try to call him. We know that he's not having lots of expenses and it's unfair that you want to give up your dream just because of money. A money he has and just don't have the heart to give you. And what's rightfully yours for that matter." "Well it does cost to maintain his addiction. And to be honest I don't want his money. We never took it anyway, why start now?", Carolina finished washing the leaves and cut all of them in a bowl to season before going to set the table for dinner. "Dinner is ready. Do you want to eat now?" Her mom looked at her and she could see she was trying to think about something to help them. She barely listened when she said "Yes, let's eat". They ate in silence. Carol was still a bit shaken up about another rejection and Maria was thinking if she should ou shouldn't call her ex-husband and ask for financial help. 

After everything was cleaned up after dinner, Carol went to her bedroom. Normally she'd watch tv with her mom, or spend some time talking about everything and anything at the same time. But today she wasn't really up to talking or watching tv shows. After all, she had to wake up early the next day to school and a headache was coming her way. She changed into comfortable pyjamas and turned on her computer to simply look at random websites and try to not really think. That's when her phone started ringing beside her.

"Hello?", she answered after not recognising the number. "Hello, may I speak with miss Carolina Nogueira?" "It's me.", she said a bit warily. "My name is Renata, I work at Worldwide, a translation and research company. We're going to need someone to do a freelance job for us for about eleven days, starting next week. And a friend of yours, miss Julia Alcantara, has recommended you and I am calling to see if you're interested." "Well... what will I have to do?", she asked. "We're going to translate Portuguese to English archives and documents, do some research about some charities in Brazil. It's a desk work." "Well, I hope Julia has said that I don't have an advanced level of English..." "She said that you were going to say that. That's why I checked your LinkedIn page and saw your written work. And I beg to differ, miss Nogueira." "Well, then... count me in." "Oh, perfect! I will send you an email with the details and I will see you at 9 o'clock at the Intercontinental, ok?" "I'll be there. Thank you, Renata."

The first thing she did after finishing the call, was call her best friend to confirm what this stranger had said on the phone. "Well, my sister in law works there and I happened to be there today. They were putting up the ad and I recommended you to them. I know you will do a great job." "You do know I don't have an advanced..." "Level in English", she interrupted mockingly, "Yeah, yeah, I already know all of your bullshit about it, Carol. You do have. I think so, the people at WorldWide think so and you're going to do a good job, trust me. Who knows if this is the job that'll change your life?" "As if...", Carol said before updating her best friend about what was happening on that day. --- Monday morning Carolina arrived at the Intercontinental Hotel at 8:40. She always liked that hotel. It was one of the best ones in her city, near Paulista Avenue. It was located in a quiet street, full of trees and very calm. It was for sure a contrast to the busiest Avenue two blocks ahead. She remembered that last time she came to this hotel, was to fangirl over the Jonas Brothers, in 2010. They were staying there and that's where she was able to see them. Smiling, she gave the receptionist the informations she received in the email and was headed to the penthouse. There, she met Renata, who was a woman in her fifties with dark blond hair and hazel eyes. She had a kind smile, but a serious tone in her voice. Renata led her to what was a makeshift meeting room and there were three other people, two boys and a girl, that would be her team for the next few days. The meeting started with Renata giving all of them a Non Disclosure Agreement. A very tight NDA. Carol thought it was a weird thing to ask, but signed it anyway, because it was the only way she'd be able get the job. A very good paying job that would relieve her savings account for at least six months. "Now that all legalities are done, we can start discussing our work. I am here to say we're going to be a part of His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales team while on his visit to Brazil. He's going to promote the Invictus Games to our country. Hopefully Brazil will join UK and US. He says that right after the Olympics and Paralympics is the perfect time for the awareness.", she said showing how proud she was of it. "Do we get to meet him?", a boy in the corner asked hopefully. "No. Of course he won't be showing up at headquarters. We all are going to do desk work. Read a lot, translate a lot and write a lot. All informations from us to him, and vice versa, will be delivered by his personal secretary Mr. Edward Lane-Fox" Carolina knew who Prince Henry was. She was a royal watcher for a few years now. Her favorite Royal Family probably would always be the Swedish, but the British was the most known for brazilian people (and maybe for the rest of the world). She knew he was coming to São Paulo, she saw the Kensington Palace announcement a few months before. But never in a million years she thought she'd be this close to a Prince. A real life prince. And Prince Harry nonetheless. She didn't have time to think too much about it, because Renata and her assistant were quickly designing their positions and giving them their passwords and ID's for the next few days. The day was sort of a training day about the tools they'd get to use. Everything was safe. Everything had passwords. Everything would be able to trace who did what on this or that document. There'd be really no space for errors. And that added pressure on everyone of the team. She felt like she was working with the FBI or CIA. Everything was confidential and anyone who'd dare to leak anything to the press would be in a serious and big trouble. She really considered not accepting the job. She couldn't work under pressure and when she saw the seriousness of everything, her hands were slightly shaking. But she had to accept it. That was the first promising and paying job that she had gotten in the last six months. She'd have to just got with the flow and give her best to the job.

Next morning she woke up late and swearing. She didn't hear the alarm on her phone. She was out of the bed in full speed and just grabbed the first thing on her wardrobe and started running through the streets and subways stations to get there in time. She made it barely and went straight to the penthouse with her ID. Sweaty, tired, stressed and panting, she sat on her desk and started looking through the archives she had to translate. They were on her desk, inside a folder that had her number and it had a few instructions for her to start working. But at the moment she couldn't remember a single English word to start. It took her a few minutes and a cup of coffee to really calm down and wake up. For her to start thinking and being a proper human being. And after that, she sorted her work and methodically started working. A few hours into it, when everyone was surrounded by grammar and dictionary books, the door opened and she was surprised by who entered their headquarters. Everyone got up as Prince Harry walked in the room. Everyone was taken by surprise. They had said that the Prince wouldn't be staying at the Intercontinental nor would he be visiting their headquarters. One of the girls dropped her folder with files on the floor and the other one adjusted her dress and put on a huge grin on her face. Carol, as everyone else in the room, was surprised by his presence but she simply stood in front of her desk, with her hands together in front of her body. She was in an observating mode. She was noticing how he was the first one to speak, first with their managers and lately with all the team. He was only with Edward. She took her time to look at him and she noticed he was taller than she thought, his shoulders were broader and he was more ginger in person than on pictures. He was poised and polite. He was wearing a navy suit, with a white shirt and his bunny tie. The famous bunny tie. She had always liked it. He talked to everyone in the room with a polite smile, seeming interested in what everyone was saying. He had this way of making everyone feel at ease around him. She was the last one he talked to. "Your Royal Highness", she said when he was in front of her and mentally cursed herself for speaking before he did. He obviously noticed it but didn't make a big deal. He simply smiled. He looked at her with those blue eyes and smiled and after that she was surprinsingly calm. "Good morning, but you can call me Harry", he offered his hand and she shook it. "Good morning, Harry.", she ofered a shy smile. To be honest, she wasn't really nervous or about to start fangirling. But she also wasn't in her normal self or indiferent to his presence. Who would be? She was talking to prince Harry, for God's sake! But she also thought that he was just another human being and should be treated like she treated everyone else. "What's your name?", he asked. "Carolina. Carolina Nogueira" She answered looking at him. "Thank you for agreeing to work with us, Carolina.", he had said that to everyone else. "Thank you for hiring me, then.", she said nonchalantly and he laughed. He walked to stand in the middle of the room before talking again. "I'd like to have a meeting with everyone of you to know what we'll be working on the next fews days.", he said turning and looking at the team. And then they all headed to the meeting room. They all sat and Harry started the meeting thanking all of them for being there. He said that he was very honored to be in Brazil and that he wanted to make the most of his trip in favor of his foundation. Carolina was surprised to see how truly engaged he was. How he knew things, how he had input on what the team told him. How he gave suggestions and paid attention to everyone when they talked. The meeting lasted a bit more than an hour and the Prince was excused because he had to be at an engagement. But her first impression of him is that he actually worked. She had always had that doubt about Royals. Do they actually work? Do they actually get to know the causes and charities they're patrons of? Of course he didn't do most of the work, but he knew what he was talking about and was very engaged on what he'd be putting his name and support on. It was only later in the day, in her bedroom before sleep, that she came to terms with what had happened. She had met Prince Harry! The same prince that she watched over the years. But to be honest, he just seemed a normal guy. Who worked at his family's business and that was passionate about the causes he supported. He was down to earth, forthcoming, smart and was open to hear other opinions. All the pomp and circumstance about who he is stood outside the door, with his RPO's and his super high level of security. --- Oi = Hi Vida = Life (it's used as an endearment) Mãe = Mom

Carolina’s outfit for her interview

Carolina’s outfit when meeting the prince

[slowlifeaway]

Look who’s bored (again) and decided to do random questions: Random questions by questionlisting @ tumblr

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? lick lol, my oversensitive teeth cant bear cold 

2. What is home to you? where im feeling myself best

3. What was the last lie you told? i was busy this weekend

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? i guess?

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? furby lmao

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. actually scolded my friend for eating too much cos her size was reaching XL and i was pretty sure i made her feel bad 

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) wha?

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? cant remember :/ thats how stagnant my life/work life is

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? 1 probably. I love sleeping.

10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? soft gesture.

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? 1

12. What is your paradise? where i can no longer worry about anything

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) i love asmr! and sound of cafe (glass clinking, people murmuring, keyboard tapping sounds)

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? 3? and a lot more if it involves my family.

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? they made human lives easier

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? cos they are attractive, yeah i do.

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? pestering me about something im not comfortable with

18. Do you overexaggerate? yes lmao

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? flute

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? sometimes, if i feel good enough to put makeup

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? i kinda made money more than my peers, my individuality, and my ability to remember songs/lyrics/melodies

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? if you practice, you’ll get better

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? no. i cant even held my life together

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? good food and a reaaaaaly long nap

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? oh i do that everyday

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? 85% introvert

27. What constitutes a good friend? being able to put up with me is good enough

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? one best friend

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? bad news?

30. What is your dream job? bakery, florist, idek i have many lol

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? lazy but smart

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? i dated lmao

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? how does it feel when you have to hide your arousal in public AHAHAHA

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? kingdom hearts’ twilight town

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. those that feel superior to you and ignore you when you care

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? i’ll find where my original body is

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? i’d memorise, burn and then sell fake recipe.

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? cooking class

39. Name the last book you read. Lagom: The Swedish Art of Balanced Living

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? yeah totally

41. When was the last time you made the first move? long long time ago

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? i dont enjoy them

43. What was the last movie you watched? MI6

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? yeah i do

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? depends on my mood

46. When was the last time you cried? like..an hour ago when i watch youtube lol

47. What are you scared of? not being able to live up my parents expectation

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? being awkward in front of old and new friend 

49. What are some of your hobbies? sleeping, reading, swimming

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? im lazy

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? i care. i listen, but im very bad at giving advice.

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? idek man

53. What have you learned the hard way? life isnt as great as what i’ve imagined

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? be yourself

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) i sing a lot, and draw a lot

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? mix of both

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? save money lol

58. What is your ideal meal? fresh and savoury

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? breaking up on the spot

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? dog is my fav animal ever

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? overloading employee with works or design revision is illegal after 5 revisions LOL

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? yeeeee

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? MEMES, definitely memes.

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? Kingdom Hearts

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? it’s too much

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? no. 9:20 AM

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? A Cinderella Story, Sora

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? countryside pls

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? near the ocean

70. What are the best things about winter? christmas is coming

71. What scares you most about the future? career and me settling down

72. What makes you feel old? when all the youngsters enter workforce

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average?  almost 12 hours it actually scares me

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions?  lose weight hahahaha

75. What is your life story in 6 words? emotional introvert struggles with meme-filled life

76. Describe yourself in one word. average

77. What bad habits do you do? overthinking

78. What genre of music do you listen to? pop, classical, country, soft rock

79. Most prominent childhood memory? first time going to a movie

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? life probably easier lol, but i will never change my brother though. 

81. Spirit animal? raccoon

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? yes?

83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? i dont remember, perhaps it sucks so much it doesnt have existence in my memory

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. my parents, my friends, my grandma

85. Favorite memory of your family. travelling together

86. What do you look for in a relationship? someone i can open up to

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? melodee morita, marzia, all these amazing ladies that is doing great things in life

88. What is your opinion on social media? neat

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? 50% 50%

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? designer anything

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? being stalked inside subway until my stop

92. What superpower would ruin the world? nuclear anything

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? makeup and girly things ahahah!

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? this question is tiring for me hahahha

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? sweden

96. How do you approach people? talk to them

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? important

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? play with neighbour, sending letters

99. What languages can you speak? indonesian, english, very basic chinese and very limited japanese, and im trying to learn swedish

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? i hope better than today

101. What do you do on your lazy days? sleeping

102. What ended your last relationship? we both ignore each other when i left for college

103. Favorite food? currently: jjangmyeon

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? someone i love dearly passed away

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? idek, i have no feelings hahahaa

106. What was the last friendship you broke? junior high

107. Do you have any pet peeves? none

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? my friend

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? last week

110. What part of your personality do you want to change? cowardice 

111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? my friend who is younger but more mature than me

112. What is your biggest motivation? my family, 

113. What did you want to be when you were little? just a normal person with a very happy life lol

114. What are some things that you are good at? typography?

115. What is one thing you want to be good at? motion graphics, socializing

116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? feels haha

117. How important is privacy to you? VERY

118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? no idea

119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? hmmm

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? any fun stories

121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? people licking back their spit lol

122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone?  i never tried this

123. What is your morning routine? wake, bath, skincare, work

124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering? i resigned hoho

125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? i hope it helps me

126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" i do this all the time this is why im single af now

127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? you can hurt people, but you’re honest

128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? ?

129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? both

130. What do you admire most about your friends? they’re much more mature than me and capable of things more than me

131. What do you admire most about your family? we are cold to each other but we still care lol

132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" great motto?

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? listening

134. When is it time to end a friendship? if one of you have crossed the boundaries

135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? sorry my family is in town so i cant go lol

136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? cooking?

137. What are your favorite baby names? Namine & Nerine

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? last week

139. What instantly ruins a conversation? mobile phones!

140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. voice & overly large muscles hahaha

141. Biggest disappointment. myself

142. Do you have any self-restraint? surprisingly well.

143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? last week

144. Prized possession(s)? anything my favourite people gave me

145. What is your opinion on second chances? depends

146. Text or call? TEXT!

147. What do you like about the 21st century? convenient and safe

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? why are u like this

149. How organized are you? i can be ocd or messy, depends on my mood

150. Favorite mode of transportation. bus

[delicatefurysandwich-blog]

The very normal reality of a life-changing event

I have never married, had a child, nor lost someone in my immediate family (the classics, as it were), but I had always imagined that in that exact moment, you would be so wrapped up in a mix of apprehension and euphoria (or sadness) that you wouldn’t appreciate the gravity of what was happening to you until the dust had settled and you managed to look back on what you had just had emerged from, stuck in a long and solemn moment of deep reflection or the reveling in the feeling o give yourself a pat on the back for putting on a damn good performance in the ongoing performance that is life.

I feel like, right now, I am in the midst of my first real life-changing event and it’s far too normal and I am far too aware of it.

It is all slow motion; the kind of slow motion that makes you feel a director is over-indulging their need to draw out the suspense and you wonder if you’d have time to go the bathroom before the scene drew to an end and the story continued. Except in this example, I am both the weary actor portraying the protagonist and I am the incontinent audience member.

The director is disease. Probably.

Almost one year ago I went to the doctor with headaches and a throbbing behind the eyes that felt like my brain was a panic-stricken block of ice, trying to escape through the nearest emergency exit. I am not someone who has ever avoided going to doctors, nor do I feel I’m a hypochondriac, but in this case it took me a long time to talk myself out of the idea I was just suffering from headaches brought on by a lifestyle built around long working weeks and (sometimes) longer non-working weekends. By the time I dragged myself to the doctor, the headaches had turned into evenings laying in the dark, listening to soothing music, willing myself not to vomit. Come morning though the mist had always cleared and I could take myself off to work again, knowing I’d only have the occasional wobble or shake of the hand that would force me to make a joke of once again dropping something or bashing into the office furniture. At this stage I had already started to get used to various weird and wonderful symptoms and I still hadn’t been told something was wrong with me.

As I said though, from the very beginning I have been all too alert to what has been going on and of course I knew that how I felt on a daily basis wasn’t normal, nor was it going to leave of its own accord.

The first doctor was one who sits in the intellectually superior and far from charming category. His bedside manner was poor but it was obvious he knew what he was talking about and he sent me off for my first MRI. This was the start. It might be worth mentioning that I am not living in my home country and I do not speak the local language. Whilst the first doctor spoke a decent level of English, the one I saw when I got my results did not, resulting in me leaving the office, piece of paper in hand, with something scrawled across it, below the address of a local hospital: “? MS”.

Now, I didn’t go to a hospital that day. Instead I went back to work and pretended like nothing had happened. If I didn’t fully understand what was going on and what I had to do next then, in a way, nothing was going on and I had nothing to do next. But I knew. That evening I had friends come to stay and we went out. It wasn’t until the early hours of the following morning that I found myself sat in the sand opposite a pretty girl, blurting out the words: “I have MS.”

Technically that wasn’t (and still isn’t, but I’ll get to that) true. The doctor had seen the results of the two (yes, I had another one I didn’t mention before) MRIs and concluded that MS made sense but, due to the facilities available via the healthcare provider I was with, was unable to diagnose me any further, hence the address of the hospital and the ‘referral’.

By the time things got bad enough once more to think about getting myself to the hospital, I had been back to the healthcare provider and, via a doctor with a better command of English (by the way, I take full responsibility for living somewhere I don’t speak the language, you’ll never hear me complain about that), I understood the intentions of the previous doctor and the need for me to go and get some more extensive tests done.

After a day spent in A&E, I was admitted to the neurology ward and after one week of poking, prodding and scanning, I was discharged with the very similar (but more diagnostically-substantiated) news that it was “very likely” I was going to be diagnosed with MS at some point in the future.

I spent that week in the hospital bunked up with another guy in his twenties who had been suffering with symptoms of MS for 6 years, having been diagnosed after 3. Hearing from him about his experiences did not make me scared, it didn’t even make me feel sorry for him (although I really liked him and admired the way he was about it all), it just made me think about how that was going to be for me and how I would have to deal with it. There was none of the angst, the panic, or the sadness, not even any denial, I just remember thinking that, at some point in the future, there was a very high chance that things would be different. The realisation was very real and very… dull.

So that’s as far as the story is and, quite honestly, I’ve now run out of steam. I’m very like that; one moment awash with emotions and the need to blurt something out and the next I’m not really sure what all the fuss was about. But I’m going to fight my urge to send this entire page to the bin and I will post it. My aim is to keep channeling my more exuberant moments into this blog and see what comes out at the end. I think I’m hoping for some catharsis, even though most of the time I don’t even feel like that’s what I need.

Anyway, I am pretty sure I am going through a major change in my life and I am just hoping that, at some point, it starts to feel less real and I can have my Hollywood meltdown moment and the all important rise from the ashes on the other side of it.

x

[mrblue91]

150 random questions

1.     Do you bite or lick ice cream?

bite 2. What is home to you?

Where my loved ones are 3. What was the last lie you told? 

My weight 4. Does everyone deserve the truth? 

yes 5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? 

Porcelain dolls 6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation.

Yelled to a class mate during class over an argument of who should be in charge of the choir group. 7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn’t mix them up.)

Working on homework at home

Saying no to hanging out 8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? 

It’s been my whole life I never stopped. 9. How many all nighters have you pulled?

Too many 10. If humans didn’t evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead?

With odors 11. How many romantic “things” or “flings” have you had? 

Not many, I don’t do flings. 12. What is your paradise?

In a forest surrounded by insects 13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.)

Sounds of nocturnal nature 14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? 

A few 15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? 

Needs to have plenty of memory. I hoard pictures 16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities?

Cause they’re good at what they do? nope 17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you?

Treat me like a child 18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this?

Yes, pros: I sound enthusiastic. Cons: I have high expectations 19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? 

Yes, guitar, piano, harmonica 20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not?

Yes, I’m a modern man 21. List 3 things you like about yourself? 

Attention to detail

Organized

Good hair 22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you?

Keep it in a hobbyist perspective 23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not?

Not yet, I am too selfish 24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day?

Eat good food or sleep 25. When was the last time you felt awkward? 

Today during my osmoregulation lecture 26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? 

Mixed 27. What constitutes a good friend?

Loyalty 28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend?

Many friends  29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear?

Theres been an accident 30. What is your dream job?

To hike and collect insects around the world 31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent?

I’ve been able to get by with being lazy 32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe?

I used to be 300lbs 33. What have you always wondered about the other gender?

yes 34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most?

Avatar the last airbender 35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. 

In high school I spent time with a guy for a month and he said rude things about my gf behind my back. 36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don’t know. You can’t switch back. What do you do?

Work with what I got 37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it?

Burn it 38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken?

Entomology 39. Name the last book you read.

Stephen king hearts in suspension 40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world?

I’d be more productive 41. When was the last time you made the first move?

I always do 42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap?

It works at times 43. What was the last movie you watched?

Moana 44. Do you like and appreciate your life? 

yes 45. Do you like and appreciate yourself?

yes 46. When was the last time you cried?

2 weeks ago 47. What are you scared of?

Losing my loved ones 48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done?

Not know information and trying to wing a lecture 49. What are some of your hobbies?

origami 50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? 

Telling people what to do 51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend?

Yes, I encourage aspirations. I am bossy and needy 52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes?

yes 53. What have you learned the hard way?

How to love 54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness?

Communication 55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) 

Drawing, singing 56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker?

Creative 57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? 

Work on my masters degree 58. What is your ideal meal?

Chickfila number 1 meal 59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date?

Say they have kids 60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite?

Yes, insects 61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? 

Not recycling 62. Do you have any guilty pleasures?

Wouldn’t you like to know :P 63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created?

Youtube 64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games?

no 65. What is your opinion on beauty in today’s society?

It could be less objectifying 66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up?

No 8am 67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? 

Yes, Hercules 68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside?

Countryside 69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains?

ocean 70. What are the best things about winter?

skiing 71. What scares you most about the future?

My health and physical state 72. What makes you feel old?

Anyone 5yr younger than me 73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? 

Too many 74. What are some of your New Year’s resolutions?

Go to the doctor more often 75. What is your life story in 6 words? 

Gym, school, eat, sleep, bugs, him 76. Describe yourself in one word.

witty 77. What bad habits do you do?

Poke nose in public 78. What genre of music do you listen to? 

indie 79. Most prominent childhood memory?

Cookouts and fish fries with the family 80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don’t, how would this change your life? 

Our relationship is not the best so it feels like having a distant friend. 81. Spirit animal?

Sperm whale 82. Do you believe in horoscopes?

No but theyre fun to read 83. What is the worst advice you’ve ever been given?

Keep smoking and forget about it 84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. 

Mom, advisor, him 85. Favorite memory of your family.

Easter! 86. What do you look for in a relationship? 

Intelligence 87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? 

Steve Irwin, animal guru 88. What is your opinion on social media?

It can suck on something and choke on it. 89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? 

Both 90. List some things that you think are overpriced?

Avocados, non-dairy milk, tropical fruits, jalapenos 91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? 

Lucid dreaming a nightmare as a child 92. What superpower would ruin the world? 

Mind control 93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? 

I swore I would never stop going to into bounce arenas. 94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they?

How to be kind, many movies 95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

Amazon rainforest 96. How do you approach people? 

With a handshake and my name 97. What is your opinion on first impressions?

Theyre always wrong 98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? 

Have a messy room 99. What languages can you speak? 

Spanish and english 100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years?

Hopefully its better than now 101. What do you do on your lazy days?

Sleep, watch shows 102. What ended your last relationship?

I fell in love with someone else 103. Favorite food? 

Broccoli 104. What is the most terrifying dream you’ve ever had? 

Not sure 105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? 

When someone’s phone dies 106. What was the last friendship you broke? 

It was during my undergrad, the one that got away, but were back together again. 107. Do you have any pet peeves? 

Long nails on guys 108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to?

idk 109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed?

This week 110. What part of your personality do you want to change?

My selective hearing 111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? 

Darren 112. What is your biggest motivation? 

Fear and expanding knowledge

113. What did you want to be when you were little?

Bug catcher 114. What are some things that you are good at? 

Singing, crafts, interior decorating 115. What is one thing you want to be good at?

dancing 116. What distracts you the most, especially when you’re trying to work? 

myself 117. How important is privacy to you?

I don’t care unless im going to get it on ;) 118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? 

Eating insects 119. What’s the craziest lie you’ve ever told?

“This is my roommate” 120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties?

I climbed a mountain, went skiing, went to New Zealand, I’m from Texas 121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? 

Try to one up a friend for no reason 122. What is the stupidest thing you’ve done to impress someone?

Write a letter 123. What is your morning routine?

Bfast, wash face, brush teeth, poop, change, apply acne cream, feed dragon, go to work 124. What’s the last thing you did that is worth remembering?

skiing 125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you?

It would help 126. What is your opinion on playing “hard to get?”

It’s a waste of time 127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward?

Its saves time, there are no cons 128. What do you consider “leading” someone on?

Not being strait forward 129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned?

I am the friendzoner 130. What do you admire most about your friends?

They accept the real me 131. What do you admire most about your family?

They always support me 132. What is your opinion on “going with the flow?”

Its healthy 133. Do you enjoy talking or listening?

both 134. When is it time to end a friendship?

When they don’t put any effort 135. What is the worst excuse you’ve ever come up with?

I don’t feel like being social 136. If GPA didn’t matter, what courses would you have taken?

Nothing but entomology 137. What are your favorite baby names?

Idk 138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone?

Yesterday 139. What instantly ruins a conversation? 

Eves dropping and interruption 140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs.

Pets, no pets 141. Biggest disappointment.

My motivation 142. Do you have any self-restraint? 

yes 143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone?

Yesterday 144. Prized possession(s)?

Insect collection 145. What is your opinion on second chances? 

Theyre helpful 146. Text or call?

call 147. What do you like about the 21st century?

Technology 148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? 

Follow your heart not your gut 149. How organized are you?

OCD 150. Favorite mode of transportation.

Bicycle

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