#so for it to be so bad today is such fucking bullshit
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getting real fucking sick of the fact every month my brain spins a wheel with 3 sections labelled irrationally angry, irrationally sad, and irrationally anxiety and then spins another wheel with one section labelled ‘eat sugar until you’re sick’ and makes me live by the two results for an entire week and then afterwards looks back and is like ‘damn bitch you live like this?’ as if it isn’t fucking responsible.
#i don't use the label#ignore me#any longer bc i don't want to imply my thoughts are worthless#but i think bringing it back for this kind of post is valid#don't get me started on the whole#'well you already take birth control and antidepressants so there goes that solution'#'and since your cycle isn't consistent enough to take an extra dose of antidepressants just the first week or whatever of every month..'#'there's nothing we can do'#i also hate the whole 'well you only ate raw cookie dough until you threw up once'#when the takeaway should be#'every month i am exerting an extreme amount of effort to keep myself from eating raw cookie dough until i throw up'#sending five emails took five fucking hours today i swear to fuck#this month is 'intensly irrational anxiety' as if my baseline anxiety wasn't shitty enough#i'm especially mad because i exercised last night aka something that usually helps my anxiety a little#so for it to be so bad today is such fucking bullshit#mother i crave violence
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Your election post was the most holier-than-thou, performative, bullshit I’ve ever read. Get a grip and get some self awareness.
i will take "missed the entire point" for 500, alex
#y'all abstainers and third party voters are gonna have so much blood on your hands if this goes sideways#and a lot of that blood will be that of palestinians#but please go ahead and ignore all logic#so over it dude#tired of being nice election day is half over anyway#if you abstained or voted third party#you did the wrong thing#you did a bad thing#hope the moral high ground was worth it bud#perceived moral high ground i should say#all it actually is is selfish performative bullshit#and i am sick to fucking death of explaining why#when trans people are criminalized for existing#when palestine is flattened into nothing but debris#when people with uteruses are forced into pregnancy#and criminalized for miscarriages or still births#when lgbt protections are repealed#when every criminal in office gets a pardon#when education falls apart#when healthcare gets even worse#when our allies turn against us#when we get involved in international conflicts we have no business in#when people die#i hope you remember today and the choices you made#and i hope you never get rid of your guilt#if he wins and the world falls apart i hope you feel the weight of your mistake until the day you fucking die#you make it so hard to believe in the good in people#and i am so tired#diz says stuff
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#I dont wish for this post to show in any general tags in any way shape or form. consider it a vent#d*scord has been banned as a lot of other different things and I can't fix it especially with my Computer Curse (tm)#which is frustrating to say the least. it's not like I've been there often but I Did contacted a lot of ppl through it#there is always people who has it worse and I feel like even thinking about it makes me a horrible person but#as much as I hate posting about stuff like that I genuinely believe that my country slowly tries to become second n*rth k*rea.#and it heavily affects me even if I live in the countryside.#first you ban gay people from existense so I can't even hold hands with same-sex friends in public and if my social media is leaked I can b#send to. like. an actual pr*son. which is very real and not a joke at all.#then you ban every online payment services so I'm forced to work double time to be able to feed myself since commissions are barely availab#anymore. and THEN you ban ways for people to connect. don't get me started on how much is fucks up my calling scheldue w friends & I miss#servers I used to visit to get my mind off of all of this bullshit#this is just upsetting. not gonna lie#with a cherry on top that the winter is close I'm freezing dead in my living space & the roof is leaking & my phone is dying &#I thought the vicious thunder the other day was another midnight b*mbing LOL. at this point I have no idea how I'm still sane#not gonna say Ive got it bad because I'm slowly reaching my goals and it's gonna get better eventually. it's just one of those days#where all of the things come at once overwhelmingly and I'm paralyzed to start anything on my to-do list#I think I need to go outside and stop overthinking it as I usually do.#I'm absolutely gonna miss LN3 release and will slowly fall out of fandom (but not stop being interested in it. at this point it's impossibl#sigh#tumblr is the only way for me to contact outside world and even tho the real world is not so bad I'm still missing a lot and falling out of#my interest in fandom & art in general. if they're gonna ban tumblr I think I'll fall out completely and vanish#bcause runet algorithms are not fandom- and/or art-friendly & I'm not really popular in my space to gather any meaningful interactions#I'm gonna boil in my already-formed company and that's as much as I can get. pretty much a foreseeable death of me as an artist.#how it's gonna affect me is unpredictable and I'm not gonna grief for inevitable future#but I'm sure I'm gonna be very sad. as if there's not enough weight already on my shoulders.#let's pray they won't do that. but I'm ready for the worst already since they're trying to make people's lifes as much miserable as they ca#overthinking wins for today fellas. it seems.#memento mori by will wood starts playing#vent#its bad to say but the w*r doesnt affect me much since Ive been living in a horrible conditions this whole time. it truly can't be any wors
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Sorry for the lack of activity lately! Between being unwell lately and now experiencing a mini-heatwave, focusing on writing hasn't been easy. Got my stuff done for now though and I've got holiday upcoming so hopefully should be able to manage better soon! Also snek updates, Ror is doing so very well. He just had his first hopper mouse and is GLOWING with health, especially with some of that gorgeous sun. At least one of us is enjoying the heat!
He just finished drinking before I took this snap, you might see a teeny water droplet on the end of his chin <3
#🐍 || ooc#;; mun bullshit#tfw you want to write but it's a struggle#I do but life is feeling urghhh still#On the plus I am no longer such an anxious snek momma#Ror and the new baby are settling in well#Just fed both today their new food and they are loving how big and fresh it is!#New baby's food was just a touch too big before so I felt really bad how he struggled last week#Fortunately he's okay and had a small rat crawler just now#Bigger than a pup but smaller than a weaner if that makes sense? Baby's at an awkward size :(#Ror is so fucking pretty though and he's becoming so sociable too!#Always comes to the front of the viv when he sees me :D#All that lovely yellow is POPPING too#Wish the phone was better but it's def one of his best photos#Sorry for random word vomit people I am trying to focus on writing tonight#So warm today though it's like 26'c!!!
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if i had a dollar for every time a religious missionary knocked on my door to "spread the good news" while i was actively in an acute mental health crisis i'd have 2 dollars, which isnt a lot but also. how many times does this have to happen before they stop coming.
#technically ive actually had three but the ones where they come to my home feel more violating and embarrassing#heads up im going to talk about grim things but its so bananas that its hard not to talk about#2 years ago i had one come while i was Participating In An Activity One Does When You're Grappling With SI#and it was a very bad time and an overall terrible encounter#especially bc it was obvious at the time i was deeply unwell but of course they didnt want to actually address it#and today i had two come while i was having an active manic episode and looked DEEPLY insane and was in the middle of some bullshit#and both times as soon as i opened the door i can tell theyre like 'oh fuck' and realize that theres something serious going on#but at the same time. play stupid games win stupid prizes.#if someone is having a MH crisis they try to do it in a safe and private environment like their gotdamn house for a reason w/o strangers#and if you just show up unannounced to talk about Mormonism to a random persons house theres a good chance youre going to be-#interrupting something and that something isnt always good#i know door-to-door solicitors are '''normal''' but the whole thing really whacks me out and makes me feel kind of angry
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daigo looks great in the new gameplay teaser clip rgg posted <3
#snap chats#rgg has a personal bone to pick with me cause first they hide ichi statue now theyre hiding daigo gameplay LET ME SEE MOTHERFUCKER#love how everyones dogging on this game before it even comes out but not even bout the game#its just buying it is an ass and a half. and i agree Give Me A Physical Release ASSHOLE#anyway unrelated tag ramble time YEAHA#i had a spanish quiz today and why was it so much easier than last time. what the fuck.#there was one bullshit part but the teach realized It Didnt Make Sense With What She Taught Us and was lke#'ok this is extra credit if you get it its EC' and i was lke !!!!!! FUCK YEAH so anyway :)#i went to the dining hall to celebrate and i always feel bad for the people around me cause i always got five fuckin plates#and even after those im still hungry Oops#it cause i dont eat </3 anyway bye#im gonna finish a sketch i started and then i got a fun comm to work on :]
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Bought a stupid suit thing. Disgustang.
#speculation nation#i got it on sale but it was still kinda expensive. ughhhh#hates every part of that. it's so stiff and uncomfortable and unnatural feeling.#but business professional is the recommended attire... so to that i went...#felt bad staying so close to close but the employees were nice about it at least. and i still got out b4 they closed (barely)#i wanted to go shopping earlier today. in between class and orchestra. but allegedly attendance is required in the lab.#so i went. didnt really feel like attendance was taken. but i still went.#still gotta finish prepping my resume but i dont think itll take Too long... i got a template to follow#from my web coding class actually. bc we just happen to have a resume building assignment this week.#so by working on my resume im working on the lab!! yay!!!#except im not doing the lab resume rn. just the normal resume. the template is still helpful tho.#also need to do a bit of research into the companies that are there and the interview style thingie#GOD this is going to be a whole hassle. i dont wanna wrinkle my stupid suit so i shouldnt stuff it in a bag.#and i dont wanna BIKE in the stupid suit. so im thinking of driving up to campus. forking over the money for guest parking#do the stupid career fair then drive back home to change and then go back up to campus on bus or bike in time for bowling#hopefully. we hope. nonzero chance of having to miss bowling and web coding classes tho. depending on how long i spend at this thing.#ultimately career bullshit is more important than one day of bowling so like. whatever.#but i still want a reward for sucking it up and going to the stupid career fair anyways. even tho i Really dont want to.#im already planning on skipping my first class. he made it sound like it would be fine + expected. so we can go to the career fair.#and that opens up a good amount of time so. doing that. and then hoping i can make it to bowling class...#it's funny to imagine if i didnt have time to go back home to change. me showing up to bowling in a suit.#im not doing that tho. this shit was too expensive to risk it doing physical activity.#BLARGH i am so supremely grumpy going to this thing. i dont want to. at all. i hate all this Professional Attire bullshit.#but i need to... and i already went thru the hassle of getting the damn suit... might as well just go.#i will simply pout and grumble the whole way. until tomorrow where it'll be full social smiles and whatever the fuck.#need to get enough sleep to make talking easier. no time for any fun stuff tonight.#need to find my damn. razor. bc i need to shave my little mustache thing probably. for 'professionalism'. ugh.#kicking and screaming this whole way. man i dont think i even own an ironing board. gonna have to hang the shit up and hope for the best#longest sigh imaginable... i just wanna write....... or play video games...... wahhhh#at least itll be over tomorrow. but then i will have to do presentation stuff for thursday. ughhhhhh
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Finally fixating on some nugget relationships that aren't horrible for everyone I love friendship <3
#rat rambles#I feel like Ive mentioned them before but Ive been rotaing them in my head so hard today#jacob dexter besties arc <3333 and also piper ig :/#they're all friends I just have favorite children (even tho Im pretty sure piper is the one whos been around the longest)#theres nothing super deep going on with them they're just bros who like to hang out drink and have game nights sometimes#but I likes them. they're silly :3#I need to dexter post more often yes they basically do nothing but be their friends supply guy but I love her sm#I used to be painfully neutral on him until I started lor at which point she grew on me hard and its only been getting worse#shes a mess who is squeamish and easily grossed out (rip bozo) and also an alcoholic (rip bozo) and also loves gambling (rip bozo)#hes surprisingly not doing as bad as youd think theyd be considering the everything tho#mostly because theyre good with tech and also are very good at breaking rules without getting too punished#but also because of their friends ig. eyeroll.#jacob also has a lot of bullshit going on as he is one of the poor souls who for a time caught yuri's attention but hes managing#and by managing I do mean on the verge of a breakdown at all times and holding on by a thread because he does not need to have juliet's#wrath added to his ever growing list of problems and traumatic events#again having positive relationships does also help but hes easily the least stable of the crew#to be clear theyre not like. super close? they hang out and play games and shit but they generally treat their hang outs as escapism so#they rarely talk much abt themselves on a personal level with eachother#which is fine they still value eachother a lot and genuinely enjoy eachothers company#although they are a bit recklessly fond of eachother considering their situation Id say. thankfully they dont get punished for it tho.#if one of them Had died and not instantly got brought back I do think the other two would fully lose it#the closest this ever got to happening in game was me not realizing dexter (level 5 employee btw) had gotten eaten by the wolf#and almost moving to the next day before realizing she had died#and do note this was like at the point in the game where I was just about done preparing to start the last 5 days this was Late late game#but autism be damned my boy can fuck up one of the easiest waws#(not a boy tbc)#honestly its kind of a miracle I never let piper die I Really didnt care abt him before the other two boosted him by proxy#well tbf he was for a good while one of like. two ppl I had in training. and they also are in little red gear. so they Did have value. ig.#piper comes from category of nugget I had in my early game that I liked to call bodyguards#basically I had one or two guys per department who actually did work and then another guy or two to be extra fire power
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Gnawing at the bars of my cage. Begging for the theatre peeps tonight to tell me there's always space for one more to join them. Hissing at my supervisor. Crawling from paycheck to paycheck. U know how it is
#im Going Through It#we had some grade A bullshit again today at work and im so tired. i don't wanna fucking do it anymore#getting a new supervisor from may onwards and so far i feel like she already hates me and i am going to hate this#i want out so bad#but i have like. a couple more raises ahead of me and a shit tonne of student debt to clear#(tho im intenting to get rid of like half of it soon)#i just wanna be an author and theatre maker and not have to deal with this shit anymore#but i Gotta Save Up before i take the plunge into some of the worst paid professions lmao#anne speaks
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it's hard to have a good day like, mentally and emotionally but a bad day physically.
it's REALLY hard to do that twice in a row but we're going to try.
#i'm not doing the bit this time sorry#the POTS has been POTSing all over the place and i had to take a shower#so what *wasn't* THAT bad before is now VERY BAD and i'm like...#i'm nauseous i don't want to eat anything i can feel the pain starting so i do need to eat SOMETHING so i can take meds#but the concept of both making AND eating food is daunting and also gross feeling simultaneously#my heart is just constantly pounding and i haven't had any caffeine yet today#so my concerns that it was the monster making my shower reactions worse is absolutely not the case#because i'm fucking sitting here shaking like i just survived a car crash all due to having#*checks notes*#woken up made my bed and taken a shower. that's IT. that is ALL i have done so far#and i am trembling and shaking and weak and nauseous like i'm in shock or something this is BULLSHIT#i think i'm hungry too is the other problme i don't know for sure due ot the aforementioned other factors#so i bet eating would help a lot here#god i hate this so much right now i'm so mad#i had to dream about my family and being ignored and there were WILD swings between feeling horrible and feeling like things were improving#and i wouldn't be shocked if the symptoms i was having in my dream were happening in real time in my actual body too#i hate htis i hate htis i hate this#water salt compression socks WHAT ABOUT WHEN THAT'S NOT ENOUGH HUH? WHAT THEN??? DO I JUST GOTTA LIVE LIKE THIS?????#*fuck* i'm so angry rn. and sad. i think i'm going to let myself cry and see what happens
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delighted to report that one of my all-time favorite pastimes CONTINUES to be nerfing the absolute shit out of lucius and watching him figure out how to win Anyway :)
in related news: four (4) hours of writing time on this random-ass wednesday fixed me, more news at 11
#text#personal#writing#aw#lucius#context is he and desh are playing bullshit (the card game)#which desh picked because my feathers son cannot lie to save his life#HOWEVER!!!#he CAN count cards and he CAN do math#and hes so bad at lying that it turns into bad at telling the truth too#anyway hes about to win the second round and i love that for hiiiiim#seriously though i worked at capitalism for five (5) hours today#fucked off to a coffee shop#they closed at 5 but they let me vibe on their porch so i wrote for FOUR HOURS!!!!#I FILLED UP SO MANY PAGES!!!#I REMEMBER HOW TO STRING SENTENCES TOGETHER!!!!!!!#NANO IS GONNA BE FUN!!!!!!!!
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#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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I CAN FINALLY SIT DOWN ONGOD
#sunflower rambles#did too much bullshit today#and it's so hot outside too#atleast i got a nice ice cream and blueberry juice in a cafè#too bad i have to get out again because of this fucking psychologist#that they're FORCING us to go btw. we don't even wanna#why do we need to worry about mental health when we don't even have MONEY
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Fibromyalgia: Oh you've got an interview Tuesday and you want to spend the weekend preparing? Lol no FIBRO FLARE. Get misery nerd.
#Like I've been getting “small” ones for months now#Like suddenly I'd start feeling like a patch of skin on my arm or hand or leg or back was completely raw#Like a bad sunburn or I'd been flayed#Today I started to feel it in several places#Both knees several strips of my back my left arm the right side of my neck etc etc#So I took it easy and tried not to overdo anything#And then I took a fucking shower and now my whole body feels raw from my scalp down to my toes#Everything that touches me including myself feels miserable and trying to think of interview Q&As is VERY DIFFICULT#I fucking hate this nonsense bullshit no-treatment-works-sorry-boucha disease#Sorry to bitch and moan I just needed to vent SOMEWHERE#and the Void seemed as good a place as any#fibromyalgia#fibro problems#fibropain
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ah. hm. well. that is upsetting (understatement). the guy who made the podcast that the janitor is from made an instagram post 13 hours ago and uhhhh its ... its not good (understatement, again). and i hate the timing of this all too because i am still dealing with trying to not let an anon get to me that i got last night about this sort of shit. its never good timing but i was already feeling really awful and triggered and now i'm like ah! great! more! more of this!
here is the post if anyone wants to see but tw for pedophilia and ... honestly I would say victim blaming as well. i am kind of reeling from this and I don't know what to think. i literally only found out the post existed because a tagged podcast post just showed up on my dash like twenty mins ago mentioning it :') and im glad i saw that post bc otherwise i would've just. not found out for who knows how long. man i was just working on crocheting the janitor hat today too,,,, idk what to do augh augh augh.
i think i need to go do uhhhhhhhh i dont even know fhsdgjkl like... what the fuck !! what the fuck is wrong w ppl !!!
#also this girl who is driving me up a tree is texitng me rn and i feel like im going to snap at her and i dont want to do that 😭😭#its not her fault that she gets on my nerves ghdsjkl but goodness gracious#its been so bad fhsdjkl i have not been able to escape her especially today#anyways !! just more difficulties on top of this bullshit like i am just. having such a hard time processing this rn#i think i am going to go lie face down for a while and just shut down bc what the fuck what the fuck !!!#dandy.cmd#vent //
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"you can't put alicent in a mother's day asoiaf comp because she's not a good mother and that's okay :)" but you have no problem with cersei fucking lannister in it when half her affc chapters are just about how abysmally she fails as a mother to her children so i think you're just a cunt
#personal#anti hotd fandom#'um cersei loves her children' yeah so does alicent#but you're not gonna convince me that cersei is a good mother#it's like a huge part of her that she kinda can't be because of how narcissistic she is and all her other issues#she loves her children yeah but she's way too permissive of them#(which leads to disaster like we saw with joffrey)#and she can be downright cruel to tommen to keep him under her control (cuz she doesn't want him to die yes but still)#if alicent can't be in something as inconsequential as a fucking mother's day post because even tho she loves her children#(and has to deal with a much more precarious political situation and her extreme youth when she became a mother and no support)#then be consistent and acknowledge that those same critiques also very much apply to cersei#(personally i think that cersei is more of a Bad Mom than alicent for a wide variety of reasons)#(but i don't restrict female characters to their roles as mothers cuz i'm fucking normal)#honestly you can make a case for rhaenyra not being allowed on any good mother list either because of her lies about her sons' parentage#and how that actively contributes to making their lives difficult and screwing them over and also her war leading to their deaths#anyway today is my day to be absolutely petty about fandom bullshit that doesn't mean anything cuz man sometimes team black pisses me off#it's just another version of those 'i wish alicent was the evil hag bitch from the books that i totally loved i swear' disingenuous bs post#'it's okay to admit alicent is a bad mother and bad person guys' yeah it's okay for YOU to admit you just don't like the character#big 'we loved cersei for the villain she was even tho we actually all hated her guts and harassed lena heady about it' vibes tbf
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