#so essentially I failed everything
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Everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful
#got my finals results and it's okay#except I missed 2 final exams and essentially they throw out the window and other good result I had#so essentially I failed everything#I genuinely want to die rn#it's the second year I fail and I dont know what to do anymore#im scared#so scared#of everything that could happen now#im never stepping out of my home ever again or else Im gonna run into traffic
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about 30 hours into veilguard and while I have an essay worth of my problems w the game and how this is absolutely not ten year's worth of developing I do want to say what I do like. the maps (visuals/progression/exploration), combat, and the companions (only five of them. neve and taash annoy me and I would absolutely not recruit them if this game didn't force you to)... overall it's all right on its own but it's no dragon age game.
#i dont want to pass final judgement until i finish the main story but#trying so hard to not talk about everything i hate about this game#my main thing is how your choices do not matter. the three dialogue choices are essentially the same thing#absolutely no roleplay and no replay value aside from what. making a new character to look at and who to romance#which is fine i suppose but they should have said that this game is more linear instead of lying#dragon age 2 had more choices and that game was shit out in less than a year . embarrassing lol#i haven't really played origins properly so when i say this i mean the main four companions#but in every dragon age game ive liked all the companions. there were only very very few i didn't care for#but neve and taash bore me to death and i hate that you have to be nice to them especially when theyre being unfair#also i don't mean to be obnoxious when i say its no dragon age game . i genuinely felt like i was playing a ubisoft game#the dragon age identity has been stripped since the original writers were cut off thats just a fact#can i even say im disappointed when i never even had expectations to begin w#in the end the cons outweigh the pros and this game failed miserably to be a dragon age successor or whatever. its a complete sanitization#this franchise has always been a mess#dragon age veilguard#datv spoilers#bioware critical#six speaks
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i *DID* like end.walker, but playing it has just made me want to talk more about the strengths of shadow.bringers because it highlights them evenm more. help!.!!!!!
#lem text#xivposting#ITS ABOUT THE.THE FLOW. THE PACING. HOW THE EMOTIONAL WEIGHT OF THE INCITING INCIDENT NEVER LOSES MOMENTUM#ew focuses on the final days but you jump around to so many places that are far away from each other and have suchj different situations#and that kind of progression is similar to how the expansions work too#but THE ENTIRE. PREMISE. SETS UP SHB TO PROGRESS IN A WAY WHERE EVERYTHING SEEMS RELEVANT AND ENHANCES GHE MAIN POINT#AND AND SND. i’m too scatterbrained to word it hfnksjzfk YOU KNOW..!!.!/!!!!#ITS LITERALLY ALL ABOUT THE SETUP. FROM THE CRYSTAL TOWER SIDEQUESTS TO THE WARRIORS OF DARKNESS PLOTLINE IN POST-HW#TO WHEN ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS START COLLAPSING AND YOU FIND OUT THEY’RE BEING SUMMONED TO SOME UNKNOWN WORLD.#****AND THAT PART!!!!!**** IS ESSENTIAL BECAUSE. THE FACT THATJ THE SCIONS SPEND YEARS ON THE FIRST. GIVES **THEM** ALL SPECIFIC REASONS TO-#CARE ABOUT THE PEOPLE. AND THE EVENTS. AND THE PLACES. WHICH IN TURN GIVES *YOU* THE SAME REASONS FOR INVESTMENT. AKNFHDKFJ#because OK. you meet alphi and he tells you about how much of himself he sees in eulmore. how to him it is a mirror of his past failings#and so you care about ITS development because you care about HIM and then it does the same witg ALI.SAIE#who cares so sosososo deeply about the people in the inn at journey’s head and how they’ve been affected by the flood#the scions all feel a connection to the first for a unique reason. introducing you to each bit of the worldbuilding alongside them#AND THAT PATTERN. IS SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE THAN IF EVERYONE WAS NEW TO THE EVENTS. INSTEAD YOU ARE LED TO CARE THROUGH THEIR FAMILIARITY…….#efkdjzn i could word this better on a better day. it’s the setup it’s the setup…….. ahgkdnjf 💛💛💛
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last post for the night i swear
the real tragic part about the whole science fair incident is that perpetual motion is impossible to achieve
ford’s machine would have never worked, regardless of whether or not stan had interacted with it
(warning i accidentally wrote an approximately 30-tag dive into ford’s character in the tags don’t click see more if you don’t want to read that)
anyway!! good night everyone ❤️🩹
#it’s also tragic because ford didn’t know#the impossibility of perpetual motion was discovered far before that point and yet he didn’t know#i mean. ‘he’s actually just so arrogant that he thought he could break the laws of physics’ doesn’t make any sense#his reaction to the situation really didn’t match that interpretation as far as i can tell#i don’t think it’s just a ‘oh no! my dream school (that i was essentially shoved into pursuing)!’ type deal#here’s what i’m thinking:#fact one- stan and ford were seemingly already drifting apart by this point in time. this is important to note#fact two- it’s really emphasized to him that he’s smart. that’s all they say about him really- that’s he’s a genius#fact three- filbrick does not even care enough about stanford to say his name. he calls ford his ‘ticket out of this dump’#these last two points were likely heavily emphasized to him throughout his childhood#filbrick found out ford was smart and thought stan wasn’t. so ford became his plan to make money#ford is heavily bullied for his weirdness. his hands and his interests. being smart could ‘make up’ for this in his mind#he wants to leave. he outright states this- he doesn’t feel like he belongs and he wants to go somewhere he does (his own bermuda triangle)#so what essentially happened- i believe- is that ford internalized all these things#that his weirdness is bad and that he makes up for it by being smart and that he’s meant to make his family money-#-and that he wants out#his machine fails. this is a slap in the face to him. perpetual motion is impossible?#but why didn’t he know that? he’s supposed to be smart isn’t he? if he isn’t smart then what the hell is he?#what redeeming qualities does he have? how is he supposed to help his family now? he’s a failure isn’t he?#he spots a familiar bag. stan was here. suddenly he has an excuse- a reason to believe it wasn’t his fault#(and there’s really nothing to be at fault for but he doesn’t think that)#it’s easier to blame it on stan because of how distant they’ve grown. he can’t read stan as easily#and his reaction is suspicious- did he actually sabotage the project? is it…actually not ford’s fault at all?#they don’t speak to each other again for another decade#stan because he’s afraid of rejection#ford because he doesn’t want to face his own insecurities and emotions about everything#it’s easier to pretend that he wants to be famous and isn’t just doing it to make it his father money#and it’s easier to distract himself with things he loves than to feel all the guilt and hurt and frustration#and that. is perfect for bill to use to manipulate him#that’s my thoughts anyway. sorry for the rant was not expecting that to happen
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#my papa was diagnosed w lung and colon cancer. and he's too frail to do anything about it. so he's essentially just going to slowly die#they're not sure how long it'll take. or how advanced the cancer is. but it's there. and it will take him.#my grandma is also descending into bad dementia from her multiple traumatic brain injuries#it's gotten noticeably worse this past month#she needs to stop driving but I'm the only person in the family w a driver's license who can get to her#so if anyone was to pick up the slack it would be me.#aside from literally not having time nor money for that. I don't know how to handle this sort of grief#I'm 26 but I haven't come to terms w the fact that there is a quickly approaching day#where I'm going to wake up and my grandparents aren't going to be around any more#and I won't see them ever again.#I know I shouldn't borrow grief. but how do you avoid it.#and my granddad too.#and I can't really discuss this with anyone else. my siblings should be the ones that I could unpack this with#but bc of the age gaps between most of us they have an entirely different relationship with these people than I do#I remember everything. picking my granddad up from the airport. him giving me tootsie rolls. crying when we dropped him back off.#going fishing w my papa. bringing the fish back and watching my grandma gut and filet them. building a sandbox with him.#shelling pecans w my grandma. watching court tv while she made breakfast. her trying and failing to teach me how to swim.#it's not fair that I'm going to be the only person who remembers those things. and that to some degree I already am.
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NOPE NOT DONE TALKING ABOUT IT
So generations pass, the Kindred are all but extinct, humans have spread to every habitable corner of the world, and now the human nations are struggling with the issues that come from overpopulation and the presence of a substance that can do Anything in high enough quantities.
In most places aether is a controlled substance, doled out by their respective governments according to the rules of that society. In some places it's considered a basic need, in others a luxury, in others a dangerous drug. In almost all cases, it's been diluted and is in such small quantities that magic of the past is assumed to be the stuff of fairy tales.
This timeline mostly centers around the city of Augustine, where aether is under the strict control of an agency which accepts applications for its distribution. If a person's application is appealing enough, they can be granted massive amounts of aether, more than most people could acquire in other places in the world. Accepted applications tend to be things in the realm of "ways to better society," such as medicine, agriculture, and so on.
Although the city is prosperous, there is a dark underbelly to the agency overseeing its aether, as well as the man in charge of it...
#chi chimes in#I like the Augustine timeline because it's more about the fucked up things people would do#to get their hands on something that they think will do Miracles for them#and in some cases. getting those miracles and realizing their desperation has poisoned everything#like there's a brilliant doctor who's daughter dies so she petitions for aether for “cognitive modification experiments”#but she's really trying to reanimate her dead kid and essentially write enough scripts through aether to create consciousness#it fails horribly and is her worst nightmare because her child is “killed” again#and then the dude in charge of aether is like “so that was messed up. anyway come work for me
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thought of some really cool backstory for killer!zam for the dbl au but i Cannot tell if it clashes with the canon lore or not cause i havent looked into it enough yet
#mine.txt#c zam#au dbl#f ls#basiaclly survivor!zam got banished to the void after 6 months cause he just kept on dying#and it eventually made his mind just shut down and start dissociating#which the entity didnt like cause that meant he wasnt feeling things anymore#and eventually he turned into a haunt cause i assume survivors that got voided turn into haunts eventually??? idk it doesnt really say#and the void in the blight's lore cinematic doesnt really look like the one in the event#while the one in the observer's cinematic doesnt really point to much#and during halloween or whenever it canonically takes place during a rift opening event spoke managed to release him#which made him remember everything that happened to him in the trials and yanked him out of his dissociated state#which stirred some Extremely Strong and Extremely Homicidal feelings#which made the void go hmmm maybe i still have some use for this guy after all and brought him back from the void#but since hes a haunt he needs a lot of auric cells to reconstruct#which isnt a problem for the entity but its still way more than the average killer needs#idk what the logic of the visceral cankers and pustula flowers are since i cant really find anything other than they bloom during halloween#so i headcanon they appear in areas with a larger concentration of auric cells#and normally auric cells are too spread out to spawn them#hence why they only really show up in halloween since more consciential energy is built up in the entity since emotions are running high#(i mean all kinds of emotions not just despair cause just despair would be the void)#and since zam is essentially a walking talking auric concentration hes got them blooming all over him#i also headcanon the realms run on amok time so both survivor!zam and killer!zam are just running around at the same time#theyve got an isolated timeloop thing going on where survivor!zam keeps dying and turning into killer!zam#while killer!zam keeps running on heightened emotions until the toll of killing himself over and over again gets to him and he gets voided#at least until mapicc has had enough and decides to teach zam to be better at surviving#as opposed to leo and clowns method where they just kinda try (and fail) to shield him#so survivor!zam is more visibly traumatized now but can at least hold off his own#killer!zam meanwhile doesnt get fatigued from killing himself over and over again and doesnt get voided#the entity allows this cause it inflicts significant emotions in the survivors lol
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gotta love malaysia renaming bahasa melayu to bahasa malaysia to "be more inclusive" and promote it as a national language for all malaysians regardless of race only for nobody to actually call it bahasa malaysia because even scholarly articles just straight up call it bahasa melayu
#task failed successfully#bm#malay#bahasa melayu#bahasa malaysia#malaysia#okay i kinda get it from a linguistic standpoint#because we linguists like to call it as it is#even my prof calls bahasa indonesia MALAY#because that's what is is essentially#another standardized variety of the malay language#but still it's kinda sad lol#especially when the article is talking about other races and their adoption of the language or something lol#and you wonder why everything in malaysia is so ethnicized?
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btw i was Really Smart in communications today :]
#marzi speaks#i asked a question that stumped our professor and answered his questions well#i didn’t take a spotlight tho. i waited a fair bit or to be called on before answering#it’s weird for me#now that i’m in college i’m realizing just how crazy competitive my high school was#and like. i /knew/ it was competitive. but it was competitive in ways i didn’t even realize#like things were presented to me in a way where if i didn’t know everything i was doomed to fail from the start. i was fucked#i mean hell i wasn’t even top third of my class. 200 something in a class of 600 something people#but now i’m in college and i’m with my peers and i’m realizing like. actually i am pretty damn smart#i never thought i was /dumb./ i just never thought of myself as exceptional either#and i definitely have my struggles. my poly sci class is so fucking boring i Do Not Like It#but i’m realizing now that i’m a lot smarter than i’ve thought i was for the past… what six years? seven? ten?#a long time. essentially#and it feels WEIRD!! god it feels weird#i’m kind of afraid to be percieved as smart??#i think it’s tied to internalized misogyny. bc when i inspect that fear#i realize i don’t want to be reduced to a (sorry for hp reference) hermoine granger type of misogynistic caricature#it’s probably tied to how my mother (very smart) was regularly dismissed or even laughed at for her smarts#idk. when a guy is smart then it’s just cool.#when a girl (or girl-adjacent thing like myself) is smart then oh it’s levioSA not levioSARRRR sorry brainiac oh the WOMAN has an OPINION#stupid WOMEN and their stupid THOUGHTS. who let them think. etc etc#so idk. i’m worried that if i let myself recognize that i’m smart#instead of letting other people make the observation for me#that i’ll be seen as stuck-up. bossy. etc.#but if i don’t acknowledge that i’m smart who the hell will?#i think that a lesson my mother has been teaching me for my whole life is starting to be fully understood in my head#i should call her and talk about it. kinda wanna just talk to my mom in general#ANYWAYS. trying to let myself be proud of my smarts again. in a healthy way this time#without worrying about failure or impressions. because i am smart. i have a lot of ideas and i ask a lot of questions#i don’t need to explain my smartness to anyone. i can just be smart in this way. maybe that’ll get easier as i practice it
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nintendo saw ppl beating the end bosses in less than 30 mins with basically nothing in botw and went hm nah lets make it ten times harder w many more stages :)
#shut up danni's talking#totk#i think in total there are nine stages total not counting the final run up#it's a SLOG and you can't pause halfway through to restock you gotta power through it all at once#this is w/o doing the sages btw with them its significantly shorter fight bc you bypass five stages and you get help in one stage#anyways man that was a challenge i genuinely thought i was gonna fail on the third last stage until i remembered i had fairies#the gloom would have deffo finished me off if i hadn't - i didn't cook nearly enough sunny stuff but too much of everything else lol#not bad considering i'm only on the second playthrough and i deffo forget abt some totk mechanics now and then#god i love this game sm#the soundtrack is so good too like hnk i cannot wait until it gets posted online#i already listen to the botw soundtrack constantly its gonna be great to listen to the totk one too#so yeah here's your tip if you're gonna fight w/o the sages stock up on sunny foods they're essential
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Socialisation is key, i really am just like a bunny
#felt genuinely happy and all i did was go over to my friend's flat between our lessons since she rents close by#and we had coffee and talked ab our failed loves and laughed so much and awughhhhhh#i've really been feeling off these past few months but especially these past two weeks#i don't wanna say it but i just felt like i had no meaning#and hanging out and having fun and doing paid work really managed to make me feel a bit better#and like i actually am a human being with some sort of purpose#even if it is to offer cheap and quick last minute translations or a ''DON'T FALL FOR HIM'' through laughter#sighs#idk. maybe i shouldn't let myself get consumed with anxiety and ''if i fail this then this will happen which will lead to this and that so#essentially if i fail this minor thing i'll fuck everything up and there'll be no fixing it'' but that's easier said than done#i can always distract myself tho and just do my best#i think it was during that coffee that i thought ''okay so even if i fail an exam or two - i can take them during the autumn. i don't have#to pass everything on time - few first years do - and i will still be able to rest between summer and autumn dates#so it's not like i'll be a lost cause if i don't pass everything by july's end'' but. it's still hard to think of it#but we'll see. in God's hands#we also laughed a lot bc i mentioned being religious and she went ''YOU?!'' hdbsbsbsjdjd😭😭.... is that so shocking.........
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Sometimes I feel like I have to reassure myself that I actually do know what I'm doing, I'm just sometimes trying something new, am just out of practice, or made a probably admittedly dumb mistake.
Imposter syndrome hits hard when things don't work right but the fact that I'm experienced enough to know what went wrong to fix it in the future or know a way to fix that mistake should also mean something.
#hey guys i goofed again#just finished that blank mold by accidentally cutting into one of the d20s#but i think I'll be able to fix it#if not at least i made it with 2 in it#anyway i was cutting a notch to make it easier to know what orientation the lid goes on because the mold is just a big rectangle#but when i went back to clean it up i realized i had messed up#it's a good thing it was a clean cut because once i got over the stupidity of what i just did i figured out which master was in that one#slid it back in and then mixed up a little bit of silicone and used that to essentially seal it back#I'm hoping it works#usually with silicone you have to be careful when making multiple parts to make sure you cover everything because otherwise it bonds#and it's hard to pull apart without ripping#so using it to glue itself back together makes sense and i had to put the master back in so i hopefully dont ruin it too much#i dont think I'll be able to do powder coated blanks in that mold without that showing but i dont use that effect often anyway#it really shows texture which is why it would be an issue#but anything else would be fine#so as long as the seal holds which i believe it should#everything should be fine#and it's freshly cured and clean so i dont see a reason why it wouldnt bond#anyway I'm having a tough time because it feels like anything i have to talk about is just fails recently
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me @ me: hoe don't kill this fish tryna be Mother Ocean
#wak#cher the fish mom#negative /#animal death ment /#tag vent /#I'm p sure part if not most of why the brine shrimp/Sea Monkey experiment failed#(aside from the fact that generic brine shrimp mortality rate is already high bc they're meant to be fish food but. Barely Relevant)#is bc all the time I'd think#'ok but. what if there isn't Enough food and they die'#'what if this isn't Enough conditioner and they die#'what if I haven't cleaned this Enough and they die'#and I meant well. I really really did and I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing#and as I've stated before I spent well over $200 trying to keep them alive#but. I end up letting my weird feelings get in the way and doing way too much and ruining Everything as a result#(not to mention the sheer lack of Brine Shrimp As Pets information out there Did Not help. Again Not An Excuse Just An Explanation)#(I Have No Excuse)#which is most Definitely not an issue exclusive to brine shrimp#but. it's one of them#like... I'm the person who after 20 salt shakes still thinks 'What If This Isn't ENOUGH Salt' and ends up making food completely inedible#plus I was thinking 'I'll Raise Them As Friends And Not Food!!' or w/e dumb fakecute shit I was thinking#but I had No Idea what I was doing and clearly wasn't qualified#and so rather than providing essential nutrients for people's pets they just ended up having to be put down drains and wasted#I'm going off on a tangent but.. the point is#me @ me: Play By The Fucking Book This Time. You Don't Know More Than Actual Fish Specialists So Don't Act Like You Do#If Experts Say Only Feed 4 Pellets A Day#Feed Only 4 MF Pellets A Day#Don't Make That Poor Animal Suffer Because You're Paranoid About Literally Everything Instead Of Being A Normal Well-Adjusted Person#And Because You Insist On Playing The Hero You Absolutely Aren't#The Brine Shrimp Didn't Deserve That And Neither Does Your Fish#So: Get Tf Over Yourself!! Do Tf Better!! And BE Tf Better!!
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((I'll repost the thing about Myriel soon! I had some Thoughts about Gylfie and her ambition so now I'm trying to sort that all out and how it affected her ability to maintain relationships
#local cryptid sighting (ooc)#((actually I'll need to add that to my list of things to write up for her#since I still want to get into her morality and how she views it in herself#but I wanna talk about her ambition because while she's absolutely relentless when it comes to what she wants#she blinded herself with it so she failed to make a fail-safe if she was fully denied her goals#or was unable to succeed one way or another#but she let it become nearly Everything she is and didn't leave room for other desires#so like. it's not really something that would come to her attention in her main verses#but in the mcu verse when she's denied fieldwork and essentially stuck in the corner she realizes she has. no idea what else she wants to d#and is basically stuck with her own thoughts and realizations that she could've had her own life outside of her work#if she had just curbed her ambition just /enough/ - not get rid of it completely but to prevent it from defining her fully#and I know I'm not explaining this well because it's ping-ponging around my head and I'm Struggling to focus my thoughts djkfhgsd))
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So we can all agree that being perfect is impossibly hard and functionally unattainable, an unrealistic goal for a foolish person who needs to be kinder to themselves, right?
So why is not being perfect so hard too? When you need to take care of yourself enough to be able to help others. When you're aware.
#i'm a picky eater to the point even my family has essentially given up on trying to figure around it#i can't fall asleep on command and end up spending 12 hours a day trying to get the sleep i need#i forget eating and drinking#i can't create art or stories on command#i try to go exercise regularly but cannot bring myself to do all the wrist exercises and such#i can't deal with being bored while trying to sleep#i can't force myself to do a task#unless it's for others#self-sacrifice is easy and gets you off the hook and i know better than to hope it solves anything#but it is demoralising to know the universe loves you#to know everything is stacked in your favor#and still fail because ultimately you have to overcome this#it is so unbelievably patient with me and i love it for it#i am sorry i keep failing you#thank you for being there for me
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They tiktokified my game
#ive been playing one of those mobile games where you shoot balls at blocks to break them down#it was a nice relaxing game with a unique artsyle#now everything has been updated#the colours and artsyle have lost all personality#it feels like plastic it feels sterile and modern#they added annoying sounds#they sped up the whole game so now everything goes much faster#they added a life system where you lose a life everytime you fail (??)#they added a level system#so instead of the game being an endless game#theres now levels as well#they added a bunch of micro transactions#they increased the number of ads (doesn't really affect me because i play offline)#they increased the loading times. previously it was a couple of seconds from launching the game to playing.#now its 15-20 seconds to get to a menu and then another 5-10 seconds from the menu into the game#since the update there has not been a positive review on the play store (i checked)#most people who have been playong this game for years are upset#this is essentially a whole different game#i might go hunting around and see if i can find a download of the older version#i am very annoyed by this change
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