#so essentially I failed everything
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Everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful
#got my finals results and it's okay#except I missed 2 final exams and essentially they throw out the window and other good result I had#so essentially I failed everything#I genuinely want to die rn#it's the second year I fail and I dont know what to do anymore#im scared#so scared#of everything that could happen now#im never stepping out of my home ever again or else Im gonna run into traffic
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#my papa was diagnosed w lung and colon cancer. and he's too frail to do anything about it. so he's essentially just going to slowly die#they're not sure how long it'll take. or how advanced the cancer is. but it's there. and it will take him.#my grandma is also descending into bad dementia from her multiple traumatic brain injuries#it's gotten noticeably worse this past month#she needs to stop driving but I'm the only person in the family w a driver's license who can get to her#so if anyone was to pick up the slack it would be me.#aside from literally not having time nor money for that. I don't know how to handle this sort of grief#I'm 26 but I haven't come to terms w the fact that there is a quickly approaching day#where I'm going to wake up and my grandparents aren't going to be around any more#and I won't see them ever again.#I know I shouldn't borrow grief. but how do you avoid it.#and my granddad too.#and I can't really discuss this with anyone else. my siblings should be the ones that I could unpack this with#but bc of the age gaps between most of us they have an entirely different relationship with these people than I do#I remember everything. picking my granddad up from the airport. him giving me tootsie rolls. crying when we dropped him back off.#going fishing w my papa. bringing the fish back and watching my grandma gut and filet them. building a sandbox with him.#shelling pecans w my grandma. watching court tv while she made breakfast. her trying and failing to teach me how to swim.#it's not fair that I'm going to be the only person who remembers those things. and that to some degree I already am.
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NOPE NOT DONE TALKING ABOUT IT
So generations pass, the Kindred are all but extinct, humans have spread to every habitable corner of the world, and now the human nations are struggling with the issues that come from overpopulation and the presence of a substance that can do Anything in high enough quantities.
In most places aether is a controlled substance, doled out by their respective governments according to the rules of that society. In some places it's considered a basic need, in others a luxury, in others a dangerous drug. In almost all cases, it's been diluted and is in such small quantities that magic of the past is assumed to be the stuff of fairy tales.
This timeline mostly centers around the city of Augustine, where aether is under the strict control of an agency which accepts applications for its distribution. If a person's application is appealing enough, they can be granted massive amounts of aether, more than most people could acquire in other places in the world. Accepted applications tend to be things in the realm of "ways to better society," such as medicine, agriculture, and so on.
Although the city is prosperous, there is a dark underbelly to the agency overseeing its aether, as well as the man in charge of it...
#chi chimes in#I like the Augustine timeline because it's more about the fucked up things people would do#to get their hands on something that they think will do Miracles for them#and in some cases. getting those miracles and realizing their desperation has poisoned everything#like there's a brilliant doctor who's daughter dies so she petitions for aether for “cognitive modification experiments”#but she's really trying to reanimate her dead kid and essentially write enough scripts through aether to create consciousness#it fails horribly and is her worst nightmare because her child is “killed” again#and then the dude in charge of aether is like “so that was messed up. anyway come work for me
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thought of some really cool backstory for killer!zam for the dbl au but i Cannot tell if it clashes with the canon lore or not cause i havent looked into it enough yet
#mine.txt#c zam#au dbl#f ls#basiaclly survivor!zam got banished to the void after 6 months cause he just kept on dying#and it eventually made his mind just shut down and start dissociating#which the entity didnt like cause that meant he wasnt feeling things anymore#and eventually he turned into a haunt cause i assume survivors that got voided turn into haunts eventually??? idk it doesnt really say#and the void in the blight's lore cinematic doesnt really look like the one in the event#while the one in the observer's cinematic doesnt really point to much#and during halloween or whenever it canonically takes place during a rift opening event spoke managed to release him#which made him remember everything that happened to him in the trials and yanked him out of his dissociated state#which stirred some Extremely Strong and Extremely Homicidal feelings#which made the void go hmmm maybe i still have some use for this guy after all and brought him back from the void#but since hes a haunt he needs a lot of auric cells to reconstruct#which isnt a problem for the entity but its still way more than the average killer needs#idk what the logic of the visceral cankers and pustula flowers are since i cant really find anything other than they bloom during halloween#so i headcanon they appear in areas with a larger concentration of auric cells#and normally auric cells are too spread out to spawn them#hence why they only really show up in halloween since more consciential energy is built up in the entity since emotions are running high#(i mean all kinds of emotions not just despair cause just despair would be the void)#and since zam is essentially a walking talking auric concentration hes got them blooming all over him#i also headcanon the realms run on amok time so both survivor!zam and killer!zam are just running around at the same time#theyve got an isolated timeloop thing going on where survivor!zam keeps dying and turning into killer!zam#while killer!zam keeps running on heightened emotions until the toll of killing himself over and over again gets to him and he gets voided#at least until mapicc has had enough and decides to teach zam to be better at surviving#as opposed to leo and clowns method where they just kinda try (and fail) to shield him#so survivor!zam is more visibly traumatized now but can at least hold off his own#killer!zam meanwhile doesnt get fatigued from killing himself over and over again and doesnt get voided#the entity allows this cause it inflicts significant emotions in the survivors lol
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gotta love malaysia renaming bahasa melayu to bahasa malaysia to "be more inclusive" and promote it as a national language for all malaysians regardless of race only for nobody to actually call it bahasa malaysia because even scholarly articles just straight up call it bahasa melayu
#task failed successfully#bm#malay#bahasa melayu#bahasa malaysia#malaysia#okay i kinda get it from a linguistic standpoint#because we linguists like to call it as it is#even my prof calls bahasa indonesia MALAY#because that's what is is essentially#another standardized variety of the malay language#but still it's kinda sad lol#especially when the article is talking about other races and their adoption of the language or something lol#and you wonder why everything in malaysia is so ethnicized?
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btw i was Really Smart in communications today :]
#marzi speaks#i asked a question that stumped our professor and answered his questions well#i didn’t take a spotlight tho. i waited a fair bit or to be called on before answering#it’s weird for me#now that i’m in college i’m realizing just how crazy competitive my high school was#and like. i /knew/ it was competitive. but it was competitive in ways i didn’t even realize#like things were presented to me in a way where if i didn’t know everything i was doomed to fail from the start. i was fucked#i mean hell i wasn’t even top third of my class. 200 something in a class of 600 something people#but now i’m in college and i’m with my peers and i’m realizing like. actually i am pretty damn smart#i never thought i was /dumb./ i just never thought of myself as exceptional either#and i definitely have my struggles. my poly sci class is so fucking boring i Do Not Like It#but i’m realizing now that i’m a lot smarter than i’ve thought i was for the past… what six years? seven? ten?#a long time. essentially#and it feels WEIRD!! god it feels weird#i’m kind of afraid to be percieved as smart??#i think it’s tied to internalized misogyny. bc when i inspect that fear#i realize i don’t want to be reduced to a (sorry for hp reference) hermoine granger type of misogynistic caricature#it’s probably tied to how my mother (very smart) was regularly dismissed or even laughed at for her smarts#idk. when a guy is smart then it’s just cool.#when a girl (or girl-adjacent thing like myself) is smart then oh it’s levioSA not levioSARRRR sorry brainiac oh the WOMAN has an OPINION#stupid WOMEN and their stupid THOUGHTS. who let them think. etc etc#so idk. i’m worried that if i let myself recognize that i’m smart#instead of letting other people make the observation for me#that i’ll be seen as stuck-up. bossy. etc.#but if i don’t acknowledge that i’m smart who the hell will?#i think that a lesson my mother has been teaching me for my whole life is starting to be fully understood in my head#i should call her and talk about it. kinda wanna just talk to my mom in general#ANYWAYS. trying to let myself be proud of my smarts again. in a healthy way this time#without worrying about failure or impressions. because i am smart. i have a lot of ideas and i ask a lot of questions#i don’t need to explain my smartness to anyone. i can just be smart in this way. maybe that’ll get easier as i practice it
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nintendo saw ppl beating the end bosses in less than 30 mins with basically nothing in botw and went hm nah lets make it ten times harder w many more stages :)
#shut up danni's talking#totk#i think in total there are nine stages total not counting the final run up#it's a SLOG and you can't pause halfway through to restock you gotta power through it all at once#this is w/o doing the sages btw with them its significantly shorter fight bc you bypass five stages and you get help in one stage#anyways man that was a challenge i genuinely thought i was gonna fail on the third last stage until i remembered i had fairies#the gloom would have deffo finished me off if i hadn't - i didn't cook nearly enough sunny stuff but too much of everything else lol#not bad considering i'm only on the second playthrough and i deffo forget abt some totk mechanics now and then#god i love this game sm#the soundtrack is so good too like hnk i cannot wait until it gets posted online#i already listen to the botw soundtrack constantly its gonna be great to listen to the totk one too#so yeah here's your tip if you're gonna fight w/o the sages stock up on sunny foods they're essential
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Oh my god. I just wrote an essay in the comments of a fanfic and I was like Wow, I sure had a lot to say.
And then I remembered I actually took my adderall this morning XD
#may rambles#ah yes - my sudden ability to communicate and have thoughts#there you are#it’s so nice to see you#well in my defense - the author also was pondering about what is essentially a special interest for me in their authors notes and invited#commentary on it… so. you know. the unlocked my unskippable dialogue WHILE I’m on adderall. I cannot be blamed#:3 the topic of course being fandom and sexuality#and asexuality and gay slash ships and the female audience#fascinating stuff and it’s very complex#i loooove when there is not right answer and ultimately peoples feelings are valid on both ends and there’s long sociopolitical histories#playing into everything and the more you learn the less clear everything is#YEEEES#god being an acafan is so so fun and I kinda forgot because I no longer have a reason to engage with fandom in that way#but it brought me back to writing that long research paper for my global sexuality class and it makes me want to go find it again and read I#*read it#I wonder if it was even good#I FOUND IT.#lol - you can tell I rushed the ending a bit but I did get a perfect score on it so oh well#I had forgotten the specific topic was Lesbian Voices in Fandom#I think I presented a lot of interesting information but I don’t think I tied everything into a compelling argument very well#i kinda forgot what my central thesis even was by the end#so actually maybe it was primarily the ending where I failed at that because I did present a lot of evidence#I just could’ve brought it all home a lot better#you can tell it was the only long research I ever wrote I think#got a little lost in the sauce#oh well :3 it was fun and enlightening and I got a lot out of it#and im sure the professor could tell#I liked him a lot#soooo sad I was graduating when I was - he was looking to take on student researchers and his areas of research were EXACTLY the stuff I’m#deeply interested in
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me @ me: hoe don't kill this fish tryna be Mother Ocean
#wak#cher the fish mom#negative /#animal death ment /#tag vent /#I'm p sure part if not most of why the brine shrimp/Sea Monkey experiment failed#(aside from the fact that generic brine shrimp mortality rate is already high bc they're meant to be fish food but. Barely Relevant)#is bc all the time I'd think#'ok but. what if there isn't Enough food and they die'#'what if this isn't Enough conditioner and they die#'what if I haven't cleaned this Enough and they die'#and I meant well. I really really did and I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing#and as I've stated before I spent well over $200 trying to keep them alive#but. I end up letting my weird feelings get in the way and doing way too much and ruining Everything as a result#(not to mention the sheer lack of Brine Shrimp As Pets information out there Did Not help. Again Not An Excuse Just An Explanation)#(I Have No Excuse)#which is most Definitely not an issue exclusive to brine shrimp#but. it's one of them#like... I'm the person who after 20 salt shakes still thinks 'What If This Isn't ENOUGH Salt' and ends up making food completely inedible#plus I was thinking 'I'll Raise Them As Friends And Not Food!!' or w/e dumb fakecute shit I was thinking#but I had No Idea what I was doing and clearly wasn't qualified#and so rather than providing essential nutrients for people's pets they just ended up having to be put down drains and wasted#I'm going off on a tangent but.. the point is#me @ me: Play By The Fucking Book This Time. You Don't Know More Than Actual Fish Specialists So Don't Act Like You Do#If Experts Say Only Feed 4 Pellets A Day#Feed Only 4 MF Pellets A Day#Don't Make That Poor Animal Suffer Because You're Paranoid About Literally Everything Instead Of Being A Normal Well-Adjusted Person#And Because You Insist On Playing The Hero You Absolutely Aren't#The Brine Shrimp Didn't Deserve That And Neither Does Your Fish#So: Get Tf Over Yourself!! Do Tf Better!! And BE Tf Better!!
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((I'll repost the thing about Myriel soon! I had some Thoughts about Gylfie and her ambition so now I'm trying to sort that all out and how it affected her ability to maintain relationships
#local cryptid sighting (ooc)#((actually I'll need to add that to my list of things to write up for her#since I still want to get into her morality and how she views it in herself#but I wanna talk about her ambition because while she's absolutely relentless when it comes to what she wants#she blinded herself with it so she failed to make a fail-safe if she was fully denied her goals#or was unable to succeed one way or another#but she let it become nearly Everything she is and didn't leave room for other desires#so like. it's not really something that would come to her attention in her main verses#but in the mcu verse when she's denied fieldwork and essentially stuck in the corner she realizes she has. no idea what else she wants to d#and is basically stuck with her own thoughts and realizations that she could've had her own life outside of her work#if she had just curbed her ambition just /enough/ - not get rid of it completely but to prevent it from defining her fully#and I know I'm not explaining this well because it's ping-ponging around my head and I'm Struggling to focus my thoughts djkfhgsd))
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So we can all agree that being perfect is impossibly hard and functionally unattainable, an unrealistic goal for a foolish person who needs to be kinder to themselves, right?
So why is not being perfect so hard too? When you need to take care of yourself enough to be able to help others. When you're aware.
#i'm a picky eater to the point even my family has essentially given up on trying to figure around it#i can't fall asleep on command and end up spending 12 hours a day trying to get the sleep i need#i forget eating and drinking#i can't create art or stories on command#i try to go exercise regularly but cannot bring myself to do all the wrist exercises and such#i can't deal with being bored while trying to sleep#i can't force myself to do a task#unless it's for others#self-sacrifice is easy and gets you off the hook and i know better than to hope it solves anything#but it is demoralising to know the universe loves you#to know everything is stacked in your favor#and still fail because ultimately you have to overcome this#it is so unbelievably patient with me and i love it for it#i am sorry i keep failing you#thank you for being there for me
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They tiktokified my game
#ive been playing one of those mobile games where you shoot balls at blocks to break them down#it was a nice relaxing game with a unique artsyle#now everything has been updated#the colours and artsyle have lost all personality#it feels like plastic it feels sterile and modern#they added annoying sounds#they sped up the whole game so now everything goes much faster#they added a life system where you lose a life everytime you fail (??)#they added a level system#so instead of the game being an endless game#theres now levels as well#they added a bunch of micro transactions#they increased the number of ads (doesn't really affect me because i play offline)#they increased the loading times. previously it was a couple of seconds from launching the game to playing.#now its 15-20 seconds to get to a menu and then another 5-10 seconds from the menu into the game#since the update there has not been a positive review on the play store (i checked)#most people who have been playong this game for years are upset#this is essentially a whole different game#i might go hunting around and see if i can find a download of the older version#i am very annoyed by this change
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#z rambles#i just deleted two wall of texts talking shit about tmr course exam and the fuck ass teachwr#its so bleak 🥰#damned if u do damned if u dont type scenario eith this damn teacher its so crauzy#today was funny tho he was supervising todays exam and when he tried to make small talk everyone just stare at him#and no one said anything. WE DO NOT LIKE HIMMM#i mean why tf wouldnt we when he failed half the class during our midterm and gave all of us 60/100 for our oresentation#and one team even got 40#i still remwmbwr this cuz the audacity he has is insane#he explained to that team what to do and they did the way he wanted and changed a wording anf he said they got it all wrong#mind u? it didnt change the menaing at all like everything is all there and he undermined their effort entirely anf everyones ofc#another one is when he was like ouuu disappointed we failed our midterm and proceed to explain that we answer the question wrong#by focusing on the wrong thing. anf then he explained what to focus on in the wuestions and the part he wqnted was#not in the question. itw invisible. it is not there. he want us to answer shit that wasnt asked#great just. 10/10 all around this course#even worse if we fail this course? we csnt fucking gj to our next year cys its essential#babe how r we passing if he keeps failing us what🦧#its even crazier considering the midterm that half of us failed we answered exactly as he wanted when we were doing questions with our team#and EVEN CRAZIER me and my friend were checking our answers anr check in with someone who passed#and we wrote the same fucking reasoning and he decided ours wasnt good enough ☺#im tired man how tf can any damn score pull us this time when he faiked our midterm and our quiz and our project score is low as shit#its so fucking bleak#girl we dont even know what to review cuz he didnt say anything lmao#neat 🙏#rant#IM GOING TIRED ❗❗#not crazy cuz the wall of text swrves that purpose alrrady i need to sleep
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Starting off by saying I hate “mom Danny” bc it tends to be p transphobic and misgendering, so if anyone adds it to my post I’m blocking them.
Tim making his Kon clone baby, but the cloning chamber isn’t stable enough for the fetus. He’s desperately trying anything that he think might work, when he comes across Phantom. Phantom who has experience with stabilizing clones.
Danny had heard whispers through the grapevine (Ellie who’d joined the Teen Titans as Phantasm) that there was someone attempting to make clones. He’d only meant to snoop and see if it was a Vlad situation. If any clones had been made and needed liberating. What he found was a newly minted Red Robin crying over a red blinking message on a cloning chamber. He warbled a quiet “please, Kon, I don’t want to live without you.”
Danny quickly realizing this wasn’t an attempt to replace and destroy, but actually someone grieving, in probably an unhealthy way, but who was Danny to judge, he’d once replaced Sam and Tucker with robots for less. So he decided to help Red Robin out. Sure, he hadn’t dealt with kryptonian dna before, but he was at least 89% sure halfa dna was way more complicated. And Red Robin had already figured out ways around the dna shenanigans, it was just the stability that wasn’t going well. Honestly, he didn’t think it would be as easy as an ecto dejecto like it had been for Ellie. But his parents had a lot of inventions that they’d started making to help out ghosts, once they’d realized Danny was Phantom. Maybe telling Red Robin about ghost IVF wasn’t his most thought through plan.
“I think what might help is an incubator.” Phantom had suggested.
Tim could only gesture at the cloning chambers that had failed him thus far. They were essentially huge incubators.
Phantom awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “I meant, like, a living incubator. Like a surrogate.”
“Where am I going to find someone that I not only trust to carry the baby, but also would volunteer?” Tim raised an eyebrow at him. Hell, had Tim had the equipment to do so, he would have carried the baby, everything else be damned. He just didn’t want to be alone anymore.
Phantom blushed green and looked away. “It might take a little tinkering with the embryos to work with the physiology, but…. I could carry the baby for you. I mean, I’m trans, and even if I wasn’t, ghosts are kind of malleable in a reproductive sense. And there are options for IVF in ghost science. And like, my own clone is like my little sister. I’m also a protection spirit, so I would protect the baby with my entire afterlife. And I’m kind of rambling so you should say something before I embarrass myself.”
“You would be willing to carry a baby for me?” Tim was shell shocked by the offer.
“I mean, yeah. You’re a good guy. You’re not cloning him for a malicious reason. You’re just trying to bring back a piece of your friend because you love and miss him. Dedication that strong for someone who has left the living plain, is admirable. You realized early on that you wouldn’t be able to increase the speed in which the clone grew. You’ve been trying despite knowing that this clone will be a baby that’s going to be your child, and not just the friend you lost. And I wouldn’t mind giving up my body for a little bit so you can make your family.”
Tim certainly hadn’t meant to surge forward and kiss Phantom. “Thank you.” Tim pulled Phantom into a fierce hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
It took about a month for them to work out the kinks of making the baby safe for Danny’s body. In this time, Danny showing Red Robin his human form, and Tim revealing his own identity. It felt kind of wrong to keep his name from someone he intended to get pregnant with his child. Tim and Danny got close as they worked together on the baby. And there may have been a few more kisses shared between them. In the end, the baby ended up spliced with mostly Kon’s dna, some of Tim’s (to stabilize the kryptonian dna), and some of Danny’s (to keep the baby safe in the womb).
Once Danny was well and truly pregnant, he encouraged Tim to find Bruce. “I’ll keep the baby safe. You find your dad. If you need me for anything, I’m only a call away.” Tim hadn’t forgotten about Bruce, he’d just never thought it would take so long to set up cloning Kon. So much of his hurt and loneliness had fallen away in Danny’s presence, and Danny had let him hyper focus on making their baby.
“Probably terrible timing, but I’ve got to ask,” Tim swallowed nervously. “Be my boyfriend?”
Danny’s lopsided smile, thawed Tim’s nerves. “I think I could work with that. I hope you don’t mind kids though, I’m kind of pregnant.”
Tim huffed a laugh. “I’ll keep in touch while I’m away. Please keep me updated on the baby.”
Danny pulled him into a proper kiss, “I will.”
I’m mostly imagining Tim getting bump update photos and falling in love with his increasingly pregnant boyfriend, while he finds Bruce.
I’m also imagining after Bruce is back, Tim being like, “anyways gtg, my boyfriend is in his third trimester and I don’t want to miss the birth of our baby.” And peacing out before any bats could react, let alone stop him.
And also maybe when Kon comes back, there’s maybe a poly relationship started.
Also thinking about Tim getting Danny pregnant without the science.
Danny gets Dad, Tim gets Papa, and if Kon joins, he gets Poppy.
#dead tired#tim x danny#danny x tim#dc x dp#dp x dc crossover#dp x dc#dpxdc#dcxdp#tim drake#Danny phantom#dani phantom#red Robin#kon el kent#conner kent#pregnant Danny#clone baby#Kon el#superboy#robin#dc#dc comics#batman#dc characters#chatonfils writing#I don’t really know where Tim’s cloning attempts fit into the timeline#I need to read the comics and not just fanfic#but I think Danny is probably the best person to go to in the case of destabilized clones#TimKon#timkondanny#superdeadtired
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23 things I learned in 2023:
Breaking promises to yourself is essentially telling yourself you’re not worthy of commitment or effort.
Listen to people when they tell you who they are.
People put their best foot forward when they first meet you. If they’re already being shitty, it’s likely only going downhill from here.
Self-care isn’t always indulging instant gratification and not doing hard things. I was actually at my most fulfilled when I did hard things DESPITE not feeling like it.
If you’re clinging to other people for fulfillment or validation, you probably don’t like yourself very much.
It’s never the end of the world like we think it is.
If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. Never be in the business of changing people, even when it comes to changing how they think about you.
Brutally honest communication is everything, but that can also coincide with tactful kindness. Neither is mutually exclusive.
Having a routine makes a massive difference.
Comparison is pointless. No one else has been dealt the same cards you’ve been dealt.
Envy is a waste of time. Instead of being envious of other people, view them as proof of concept.
Self-accountability is important. We are fallible and it’s okay to make mistakes; we just need to own up to them.
Every failure is an opportunity for growth.
Every severed friendship, failed opportunity, lost connection etc etc leaves space for better things to replace it.
We are not tethered to people’s image of us. We are free to change ourselves whenever we please.
It’s not other people’s way, but it’s my way—and that’s all that matters.
Someone denying you love does not erase you.
Piggybacking off the last point—someone not acknowledging the virtues you have doesn’t mean that you don’t have those virtues.
All that really matters are the opinions of the handful of people who truly love you, as well as your opinion of yourself.
Waiting at least 15 minutes before reacting to something. Never trust yourself during the moments when something just hits (learned this the hard way).
Situations are complex and almost never a one size fits all. Asking for advice is okay, but take it with a grain of salt/ultimately follow your own judgment.
Social media isn’t the devil, but scrolling endlessly is. Make an intentional effort to supplant screen time with books and hobbies and friends and tangible, real life things.
We all die one day. None of this is that deep and none of this really matters. Stop taking things so seriously and just enjoy the process 🤍
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Guess who's gonna have to retake Economics next year?
#i forgot that in my uni its essential to have at least a 30% gpa per class if you need to retake the exam at the end of the semester#and in economics my final gpa was 29.3% sooo i failed the class and cant retake the exam#so i have to retake economics class next year#its fine i pretty much passed everything else
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