#since my mom needed my help today
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr has been providing a Korean-language service since 2013.
Text
.
#when u give yourself 6days to write a short story but it ends up not being nearly enough time#because you have ADHD#and everytime you don't down to do some kind of work you end up spending the first hour of your work session procrastinating#and then you did nothing for 3 days cause you were busy and then you got a migraine#and you end up missing the deadline for the writing contest that was the reason writing the short story to begin with#(I'm half way through typing up my pencil and paper rough draft rn)#(I had sorta made peace with the fact that#since my mom needed my help today#I wasn't gonna have time to finish it by the deadline#But I'm still emo abt it all the same)#(@least now I can āpublishā it on my blog and not have 2 w8 to see if they decide to use it or not)#(or maybe I can find another writing contest to submit it to)#(Idk)
1 note
Ā·
View note
Text
bro getting myself an audhd assessment for the sole reason of making the rest of my family realize that THE HAVE IT THEMSELVES is getting more and more tempting by the fkn day I SWEAR TO GOD
#like my dad keeps critizising and āmaking funā of his OWN BROTHER for having very very obvious special interests and āneeding routineā#and somehow fails to fkn realize that he IS THE VERY FKN SAME#my mom is currently doing health checks and sht for a lot of things that MIGHT STEM FROM THE FACT THAT SHE IS ALSO NEURODIVERGENT#āI just have trouble starting/finishing things and I'm unfocused and tired a lotā BESTIE IF YOU JUST FKN LISTEN TO ME-#LIKE BOTH ME AND MOM HAVE WORKED WITH AUDHD KIDS FOR YEARS WHY CAN YOU NOT SEE THE SIMILIARITIES I BEG#like we had an entire discussion of good/bad rep of neurodivergency and how most people boil autism down to āoh so like Sheldon!ā#When it's literally the worst most stereotypical awful thing I know because SHELDON IS MADE OUT TO BE A JOKE AND IS SIMPLY JUST FKN MEAN#and like they don't seem to realize why āoh I couldn't tell they had autism when I met them!ā IS THE ENTIRE FKN POINT#I am so tired#I keep trying to use neurodivergent lingo in casual conversation in hopes they'll pick it up too but no luck yet#I literally couldn't help myself when talking about my uncle today and asked if he had a diagnosis on paper#since it āclearly runs in the familyā and they got SO FKN QUIET#I'M SO TIRED OF PLAYING DUMB IN MY OWN HOME#BCS IF I DO SAY SHT OUT LOUD they play it off as āoh your friends have brainwashed you into thinking you are neurodivergent sweetheart :((ā#I'm tired#tove rambles
8 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who iāve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think itās a manic episode but we donāt really know but itās. terrifying lowkey#he thinks heās genuinely jesus and that heās conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#heās been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ābecause itās 6:20 this is trueā and like āi know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understandā#and heāll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but itās all nonsense#iām just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i donāt know how to ensure that happens cause heās 19. not a minor#heās just. not him rn. heās called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you canāt get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didnāt sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but weāre leaving today and i donāt wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but itās just. scary. i donāt know what to do. i donāt think thereās any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain heās Not Him rn so they donāt get concerned but who knows if theyāll understand what iām trying to say#i know itās not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she canāt stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. weāre all too scared itās going in the directon where he thinks itās better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but heās Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back itās really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. heāll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but heās Not Him. and canāt give it#i just. really want this to get better but itās so hard to see that happening rn
11 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
ddoes any1 wanna help find out what i might be sick with.. i have no insurance (cant go to doctor ššš) and zero at home tests for covid n whatnot āāš
#chat .Chat I've been feeling like shit since tuesday#my head hurts soo bad and i can barely stand without like collapsing. m very weak. incredibly congested#my ears feel all weird?? and i cant breathe all the way without my throat hurting or getting lightheaded or coughing or feeling. weird#it hurts to swallow and i spit up all the water i keep drinking.#i have eaten lunch today and had water but like. that made it worse i think#PLEASEHELP#GOOGLE THINKS IM DYING AND MY MOM THINKS IM BEING DRAMATIC#i feel like im gonna die i tried to take a shower and it got so blurry i was so weak and just ended up sitting down#embarrassing ass post but nothing is helping and i desperately need to go to school Monday. they WILL get me
6 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
.
#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls#husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down '#and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that '#cant. because then i have more housework after that.#and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic#and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c#and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont '#and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes.#this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list#yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes#bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores#and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done#examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt.#he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it#bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it#like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me#he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him???#and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself#' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! '#i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont#and i have to power through and do it.#i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up.#i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to#do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room#guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! '#im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway.#if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
Dad: āYouāve never consistently walked every day how do you know it wouldnāt help?ā (my chronic fatigue and perceived laziness for only doing as much as I need to and no more)
Me: āI literally walked (up the steep ass hill leading to our neighborhood) every day with 30 lbs of textbooks on my back for 7 years.ā
Dad: āAnd you had more energy and were 100lbs lighter back then! See it works!ā
like literally 1. no, I definitely did not. thereās (many) reasons I didnāt do homework and was failing every class bc of it, and a lack of energy was a big one. 2. lmao I gained like 30 lbs since I got out of high school if he really thinks it was 100 heās deluding himself. 3. i only did all of that because i literally had no other choice. what was I going to do as someone who has a massive fear of punishment (in large part because of him), not go to school? skip class and get treated even worse? this is the man that cut off my access to running water for like 12 hours as punishment once. i canāt believe i ever thought that shit was normal
#venting about the massive fight i just had with him. get this. because i only cut enough bread for myself when heās not evenā#āeating any tonight. as if me not cutting the entire loaf into slices is some huge moral failing#āyou do the bare minimum and only ever think of yourselfā yeah ok i fixed a nice lunch for both of us today and youre gonna say thatā#ānot even 5 hours later huh. fuck you.#canāt tell if i wanna die or want him to die or both but I sure as hell am sick of this bullshit#doesnt help that ive been unmedicated for months now bc we lost our medi-cal. mom got a job with enough pay that it took our eligibility#which. good for her! she got insurance at that job too! proud of her.#but theyve been separated since dec 2020 and it completely screwed us bc they arent legally divorces#ill be getting on my own medi-cal soon enough (if i can muster the energy for it) cuz imd be kicked off theirs at the end of the year anyway#since i just turned 26#but yeah cant afford all those medications with only $12 in my bank. had to ask mom to pay for an inhaler cuz mine was out and i need thatā#āfor emergencies. cant be without an inhaler when i have an asthma attack#gonna stop now cuz im getting turbo depressed
3 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
you know it's bad when you hit the 30 tag limit
#like shut up i wasn't done#i feel so unbearably hurt and betrayed like how can i be SO. unimportant to him so less of a priority that he's literally organising his#desk instead of talking to me taking five mins to talk to an agent book a ticket in tatkal#i told him i had to be back by 20 even before coming here on like 5th#and ive been reminding hin this everyday since after diwali#still he just. doesn't care?#and im his daughter? am i his daughter? does it even mean anything?????#ive never felt more alienated from my family than today#isn't it sad i don't even expect anything from mom all she does is tries to lighten the mood by making jokes#im so sick of her even the sight of her her voice makes me want to shout at her#i don't do it ofc but still#everyone is so selfish she's so selfish too she's always complaining about how i don't love her how i don't give her a chance#but that she'll stay away from all important thinhs that actually matter to me like what's the point of having a mother then??? i have my#siblings to listen to me i have my friends you i need u to be an adult and fucking help me in real terms#nvmind that path is just hopeless#anyway in tired of my small fucking life and my same small fucking problems and my own fucking self#everything would be okay if i just studied a little bit harder#idk ive been practicing saying it out loud that i can't study more than tui and after seven times i can say it out loud now#without crying or my voice watering#so hopefully it will go well#tho in my experience i never actually get to sya the stuff i practice to say to him because he dominates the convo so early so fast im#left speechless and shocked and on the verge of tears AGAUN#it's fine im calm now#but after crying headache ugh i did not miss u at all going back to storing all breakdowns in a bottle
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
Losing my fp is gonna fucking hurt but I just idk I canāt find a way this is gonna end well so Iām coming to terms with it
#itās was a fine 4 years#the last year was already hard as fuck lmao#funny we got into a fight exactly a year ago too over him saying if youāre too sensitive donāt be on social media#I still have his Christmas present because we havenāt gotten to see eachother since#October I think is when we last met in person#just a week ago he was offering to hang out because of all the shit my mom said to me#I also have the other friend thatās involved in all of thisās Christmas gift#I was gonna mail it to him#oh well I guess#I just idk Iām so hurt#but this feels like what Iād been worried would happen ever since their obsession with each other got worse and worse#like I get it bpd does that you get obsessed believe me I know but yāall have been feeding into it with these ājokesā lately and well#all the times yāall have said to each other you donāt need friend you only need me as a haha joke is gonna become true if yāall donāt get#some help and soon and like I think one of their psychiatrists said that their relationship was unhealthy and also one sided once#which unhealthy YES one sided?? nah not at all#but they both were like baffled and just didnāt believe the unhealthy part#I commented on it only saying how was it one sided because I knew if I agreed with the unhealthy part theyād both hate me lol#because believe it or not mutual obsession is not healthy lmao idc how romanticized itās been getting it will never be healthy#I have a bf now and I strive to never be like that to him because i donāt want us to become mutually obsessed like that I donāt want us to#isolate ourselves for eachother whether knowingly or unknowingly just today he apologized because heās been busy and I always let him know#itās perfectly okay if he just never has time to message me one day because I know thatās healthy even if my brain is screaming#like yeah I still have intrusive thoughts I get jealous of his friends like way too jealous and I want him all to myself but I stop myself#from acting on any of those thoughts because I know it leads to a controlling abusive realtionship and I donāt want to be that he doesnāt#deserve that so it is so fucking confusing when they ājokeā and tell the other to delete a photo or tweet and then the other actually does#idk how they canāt see that thatās fucked#okay sorry lol but hey if yāall read the tags on the Iām so lost post and know what I did wrong please tell me because no one else will!
10 notes
Ā·
View notes
Note
hii how have you been?
i miss my family š§āāļø
#my mom sent me a video about once your child leaves the mom also needs them#to like be there for them when their mom is stressed when their mom misses them#and i cried for a bit bc i argued with my mom a lot#we didnt see eye to eye but i really do think my mom still thinks of me as her little girl#bc despite not being as close i am to my mom compared to my dad i felt like i had so much burdens for being the eldest and girl#so sometimes i would get upset that my brother would get some special treatment from my mom#idk now i just rlly miss her cuz i miss actly waking up to have brekkie w her#i rlly missed cooking w her b4 i didnt like it bc i thought it was bothersome but now i miss it a lot and her cooking !!!#one of my roommates are husband and wife and i helped cut up the onions and garlic for her bc she started crying from the onions#and then i just completely rmbrd how many times my mom would ask me to help her cook and it makes me miss jmy family !!#i dont rlly get homesick often but i have been in a few arguments w my husband but its like those small quarrels where we're both#tired stressed n feeling defeated like there was no wrong but mentally tapped out#i feel hella lonely tbh ion have many friends outside from me talking to my roommates or my coworkers#and i go once a month to my friends thats an hour and half away but i never mind the travel bc their family treats me well#im supposed to go today but our plans got cancelled and since the travel is far i usually sleepover we were gonna watch a movie !!#we were gonna go watch the mario movie but i might go by myself w my teddy bear#or i'll ask my coworker maybe#but yeah other than that im just trying to survive xoxo im so tired#im also getting so much free cosmetics skincare and fragrances at work that i cant even use all of it#tha shit is displayed on my shelves just cuz#but so excited for my smau heheheheh#ą¼*Ā·Ė koca has heard your wish#ą¼*Ā·Ė a kiss of blessing#ą¼*Ā·Ė a wish upon a goddess#ą¼*Ā·Ė freddie <3
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
okay sooo 1. once little man is done with my laptop i need to do the ssn shit bc i have the letter 2. in an hour i need to switch my laundry to the dryer and at Some point i need to sleep preferablyyyy i oush as long as i can its been 28 hours i Think? since i woke up i dont avtually remember its all kind of a blur i do have a headache and my fuckshit tooth is bothering me but whatever . once i get the ssn login thing done im pretty sure i can get a new card like right away and then once that gets here i can go and get my permit And by then my new glasses will be here which is epics and ummm at some point not today bc im tired and have a headache aka not at my best. so once those 2 things r not the case i need to do the science and math ged practice tests ive been putting them off bc im scared ill do bad SKULL.but i need to get those done ... and omce i have the permit and everything thennnnnn i can go do my actual proper ged tests and once those r done ill have my ged and an id and thus can start applying for jobs again And ill be so brave and ask my mom to teach me how to drive . YIPPEE
#im not a tually very tired i kind of just want to scream nd explode and run around the neighborhood or something. but its okay#and once i get a job and i e saved up umm i think my rule is 1000 then im allowed to go to the dentist for my fuckshit tooth and im allowed#to go to the um whatsit called for my fuckshit hormones and im allowed to maybe find a psych again and see if we can get things cooking up#there as in i think i rly srsly need medication . bc i dont think im going to go for talk therapy like ever again bc its kind of useless to#me which is funny bc god if theres one thing i do its fucking talk . but whatever.i think i need to see a proper psych and not one that im#like. going to With my mom and thus am obviously not honest#and i can get a gp of course probably thatll be the first step but irs so like. i dknt understand how yr supposed to get a gp#not a gp is it. pcp thats what i meant#primary care physician i need to find one I tried in wa but i didnt like. idk i think im a tually deeply atupid and not made to livenin the#world but also rhere was a lot of shit working against me up there LOL .so yeah omand then once i do all that i will work and work and work#and work and save up money i wanna save like assssssss much money as i can b4 i move out just in case theres like. issues. + like ill be#buying furniture and stuff and itll be lotsies like. since i dont rly have any furniture i think will be coming with me or nothing ....#so yes . this is connors 8000 step plan for being a person again and once i get all of this done then i will maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe#maybe be stable enough to start making friends again. so see me in like 1-2 years and we will see how its going#thats probably dramatic. but like idk i think itll take me at least a year or so From now to like. save up minimum amt for apartment#not that i have a ton of expenses or anything but some of my mkney will probably be going to my parents just to help with everythang#and idk how much ill be making of course. less than wa one presumes bc its umm#cheaper here . you know...#ok. i just wish i could do it all today and i didnt have to wait its always always always waiting i hate it#why cant the world revolve around when i get my sudden bursts of energy#ohhh but whatever. ill have my apartment and maybe even a car depending on how the whole driving thing goes and i can name my car and#get like stickers or something from my car Probably not a tually that a tually scares me quite a bit bc the idea of somebody seeing my car#and being able to think something abt me from it scared me quite ferociously i dont rly know why its not like a Oh what if they FIND ME !#im just a control freak and i hate that ppl can see like#a thing abt me and then make an assumption abt who i am as an entire person bc i need everybody to understand every facet of everything abt#me so that im not misinterpreted or misunderstood or whatever Which is an impossible thing and i need to get over that and i shouldnt be#reaking out abt a sticker on a car oh my goddd.#but also like this may be a lie but i was told it when i was like 10 soive been assuming it was true but when i was 10.somenody told me#car stickers r like permanent and like logically im thinking abt it idk how true rhat is but they do seem kind of a bitch to remove and what#if im like oh ill get a picture of like idk smurfette or something and then like idk smurfs company comes out and theyre like I actually
1 note
Ā·
View note
Text
tag vent
#so i think my boyfriend is going to break up with me#i just had an abortion a week ago and i was at the ER last night for hours#ive been in so much pain recently and it stopped today after the ER visit bc of the meds they gave me but also i learned that due to all the#blood loss im now anemic and might need a blood transfusion and im so afraid of everything getting worse because it is#im still homeless and trying to get stable housing. im staying at a temporary housing place right now but im sleeping on my moms couch on#and off because she has a car and os close to the ER if something goes worse.#im pretty sure hes going to leave me. hes been distant and i really need him right now. like he isnt taking care of me when i can barely#move because of the extreme pain. he hasnt been cooking for me after i cooked for him every night since we got together until now.#he hasnt been there emotionally and is only there physically sometimes even though hes with me everyday and night. hes not there financially#either. the one time he sent me money to help was 2 days ago and he essentially made me spend the 25 on games and wouldnt let me save it#for when we needed it. it also seems like hes blaming me for his blood sugar even though ive been spending my last cash on him and when i#have nothing i still get him sugar and food. he hasnt contributed at all really and i feel so fucking used and that hes going to drop me now#ive been using all of my connections and resources to make sure we have a place to stay. an apartment. food. sugar. and safety.#but all hes done is lie about putting in job applications and try to get into an apartment over an hour away from where we are and he knows#i dont want to move there at all. but he keeps trying to get in. ive told him im not moving there. he said all he wants is for us to live#together and he doesnt care where it is. but damn i dont feel heard at all. and i feel like hes definitely going to leave me#im so scared i love him so much#tag vent#vent#vent in tags
0 notes
Text
Omg today was exhausting ( in a good way)
#I did so much today i feel like today happened in an hour omg#got up at 11 cause my mom needed to shop for shoes#I went somewhere cause I seriously needed white paint for project practice#got back home#help my dad put soil??? not sure the English word for it to balance the ground in the backyard#join my mom for a couple of store came back ate left again#my friend call went to her house for an hour#I wish I could have stay more but Iām tired itās 10 pm she had to eat so I least#she told me to be annoying with sending text to hang out cause her head is a mess#but Iām not built like that I hate to be annoying š jfbsjs#but I hadnāt seen her since her wedding almost 2 years ago :ā)#I cuddle her cats a lot hope Sowon wonāt hate me :ā)#bdksbzjs#now Iām going to sit down watch videos and cuddle with my dog he missed me :ā)#we made the mistake to enter my house when she took me home and Puppy wouldnāt let her live he missed her too š„¹#alex.txt
0 notes
Text
The horrors* are endless
#*too many changes and unknown variables happening all at once#im gonna be stressed til i move#the stress migraines are hitting#i had to leave work early today cuz of a migraine#the pain wasnt the worst but someone was drilling into something and there was an awful metal on metal scraping noise#and it was making me overstimulated and i was starting to panic#also i scheduled off the 21st through the 23rd MONTHS ago#because i thought we were coming back from Minnesota on sunday#but we're actually coming back MONDAY#so i gotta text manpower tomorrow to let them know#and im probably gonna go ahead and tell isabella too just to be safe#and its probably gonna be fine. my job is super laid back. but fuck dude. im stressed.#ive been stressed since the end of june#cuz i had APPOINTMENTS#and ive been stressed this month cuz of the trip#and now im even more stressed cuz im moving in a couple months#too many things#i need my grandpa to look at my car and do any repairs it needs to be safe to drive on the highway#cuz as it is i would NOT feel safe driving it to work every day#brakes definitely need replaced. my dad thinks the transmission might need replaced.#my moms gonna help cover the cost of the parts so thats fine. and i could probably cover them myself tbh#id just be broke afterwards#but id rather do this than add on to my stress by having to find a new car that i can afford thats not just as fucked up as my current one#stresssssss
1 note
Ā·
View note
Text
Back when I was more of an ita bag merch/anime goods collector I would place huge orders through Carousell and even shop during the morning classes I used to take back then... āā ļ¹ā ā I miss it sometimes, but I had to stop... then I got hooked on other shopping apps, and I mostly buy clothes rather than collectibles these days. But I really need to stop online shopping in general... at least for unnecessary things (if it's stuff like hygiene products, vitamins, etc. I think those are still okay). I've always had an addictive personality but it's really gotten out of control ever since I stopped going out. I try to rationalize it by thinking "Well, a movie ticket and concession stand snacks would cost as much as some of the things I buy" (I used to go to the cinema every month) but that doesn't make it "right". I guess it comes from looking for ways to entertain myself at home. I read free books (surprisingly good library system where I live... that's pretty much the only positive thing I can say about this place) and if my parents aren't in a shitty mood sometimes I watch stuff with them but yeah :/ I don't know what to do with myself sometimes, the noise inside my brain is always so loud and there's only so many ways I can distract myself while alone and away from the rest of the world.
#tbh buying clothes is kind of silly of me anyway since I never go anywhere to wear them#like... I'm not going to wear a nice skirt and blouse when helping my mom eat or go to the bathroom#I love my sense of fashion but I just feel like a kid playing dress up in her room#and then wearing lounge pants and oversized tees in every other room of the house#oh God that reminds me I need to clean...#I feel like today is going to be tiring :')#rambling#(again)
0 notes
Text
.
#this is gonna be pretty serious but I need to get it out bc I keep thinking about it and can't sleep#I could just write a note or something but idk I don't wanna do that and I don't wanna bother my friends at this hour either#so here goes.#my grandma passed away yesterday. it wasn't a surprise since she'd been slowly getting worse and worse#honestly I'm relieved she doesn't have to be in pain anymore#I wouldn't even be feeling so horrible about it all if it wasn't for the fact that she died of covid#and in horrible pain#so I'm just so fucking enraged about it all#she was in a nursing unit. but nurses weren't masking even though the place was meant for old people with poor health#ALL OF THIS could've been avoided if the nurses wore masks at work. or at least this happening would've been so much less likely#at first I was just sad. a little mad that it was covid but at least she could finally pass on#but then my mom called me today. she'd visited the day before and she told me how much pain my grandma had been in#like she hadn't even been able to talk anymore. she'd been convulsing in pain and whimpering. she'd barely even understood my mom was there#and she managed to reply to her telling she was there. maybe. my mom wasn't sure if she'd heard right#and I just can't get it out of my mind. the way she died#her hearing and eyesight were really bad by this point and I don't know if her mind was really all that present either.#she had her good and bad days on that front#so she was just in horrible pain. not being able to see or hear much at all. maybe not even fully understanding where she was#for hours in the middle of the night with no way to get better. no nurses to really help her#until she finally died#like hell she wasn't even able to open her eyes when my mom visited!! that's how much she was hurting!!#and I know she didn't have long left. I know she would've died soon anyway. from something else#but the fact that it was so painful and EASILY PREVENTABLE just makes me so fucking mad#she could've died so much more peacefully if the staff there just wore a goddamn mask#I'm just so unimaginably angry right now#I got shit to do tomorrow but idk if I'll be able to sleeo tonight with all this stuff in my head. I hope writing this helped#anyway sorry to be vulnerable on main I guess. gn#vent
1 note
Ā·
View note
Text
#today has been. such an insane day I dotn even know where to start#there is so much on my mind about my panrets and my sister and my friends and#im drunk rn btw. which explains everything#but I just dont kno whow to even begin to unpack how im feelin#I dont know where to start#I feel like im a million miles from all my friends because I AM (physically) (emotionally)#and I feel like im a million miles from my parents because I AM (emotionally)#I feel like im a million miles from help#ive been looking into residential programs and my therapist has supported this but I just have no idea how id approach this idea to my pare#parents.#bc I have in the past and like.#idk I just keep replaying this fucking memory of me showing my mom a hospital and saying āthis looks like somewhere good for me"#and her saying āfor your sister?ā <- or smth like that. its been a year#im just. sad. all the time and especially when im drunk#me when the depressant depresses š¤Æ aint no wayyyyy#but yeah its crazy how my parents are too tired to start shit to point out the obvious self harm scars ive gained since january.#shocker!!! <- this is a pattern#my parents love ignoring my self harm#im just so tired#im so tired#this is going to be a really hard summer I really need people to check in on me. hopefully#ill do what I can do talk to other people#also the urge to buy a pack of cigs is so fucking strong. I miss weed. I miss anything thats not fucking alcohol. I hate it!!! and yet#ironic my dad gave me his 30 days sober coin as a gift and now im drunk off my ass#also my ex texted me today im normal about that too. fuck that guy fr#anyway. idk. I havent showered yet tonight but I know im gonna regret it when I do. im just so sad and tired and done#its not even relapsing if ive been conisistently self harming for the past 6+++ months lmao I need to stop lying to myself. but I wont#im just tired. I want a hug. I want to stop being the one people rely on. I want to be loved without it feeling conditional#maybe I want too much and this is my punishment
1 note
Ā·
View note