#sigh im really outing myself here
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27 and 29 for ao3 wrapped! :)
27. What do you listen to while writing?
whatever i happen to be listening to that day/week/month! im not nearly put together enough to have dedicated playlists for different pieces lol. lately i've been vibing to 夏に溺れたい by Nao'myt (yo the linked lyric vid is so cool, gr8 colors), 나는 왜 by O.O.O., cherry and heavy, california (music/dance video, also amazing colors) by jungle, driftin' and expressions by STUTS, and run by han
29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?
i liked this one b/c it was completely unplanned! the scene had done what it needed to do but then i was like. i want an abrupt mood change teehee
Sokka plucks a slice from the forgotten plate of plums still in Zuko’s hands. “Funny how she talks to you more now that you aren’t dating her daughter.”
“She’s always been protective of Mai, I think.”
A wide grin splits Sokka’s face. “What, because you’re so threatening?”
Zuko blinks. “You don’t think I’m threatening?”
“So, so scary. Just look at this face.”
With one hand, he grabs Zuko’s jaw, his fingers squishing Zuko’s cheeks toward his lips, and Zuko nearly flings his plums in his desperate squirm away. “My cheeks are normal-sized!” he protests against Sokka’s laughter, backing further into the corner.
“Very round. Extremely frightening.”
Embarrassed by Sokka’s teasing and the light feeling bubbling in his chest, Zuko shoves a plum slice into Sokka’s mouth. “Shut up,” he grumbles. “Where did you leave Nisha?”
“Mm mph mr mn—”
“Spirits, Sokka, finish chewing first.”
ao3 wrapped ask game (writer’s edition)!
#ask game#yo obsessed w that jungle music video (as always)#the reverse footage? 'you were never going to change me / i was already changing'?#as in. the motion you're seeing now already happened#mindblowing#check out casio too that one of my fave music videos possibly ever#i dont listen to it while writing but the True 'on repeat so much id be concerned as an outside observer' song is halazia by ateez#the fcking organ dude#the tempo shifts#yeosang in that deep range??#hongjoong's verse??#the batshit outro that i just KNEW was going to be an incredible dance break before a video even came out?#bonus points for making wooyoung the center there it's been too long since he's had a true choreo moment#sigh im really outing myself here#like the sun inside of you#hmm that's kinda long for a passage isn't it#oh well#i make the rules
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starting to feel my enjoyment of cooking seeping back in after a long period of intense burnout that had me really slogging along preparing meals with gritted teeth for a good month there. i credit the return of this spark to the much needed break i took on our 3 day vacation that resulted in us eating solely theme park food. while delicious, in all its greasy overpriced glory, i found myself missing the kitchen. so last night for dinner i made heavily spiced chicken wings with crushed peppercorns and garam masala that rendered slowly in its own fat while roasting in the oven, resulting in flavorful charred crisp skin and a really juicy bite. we picked them clean over steamed rice with lime and scallions. i also baked a loaf of marbled pumpkin and dark chocolate bread yesterday for my neighbor as a thank you for doing me a favor last week. it looked delicious. the crumb was tender and plush and velvety, the spiced ginger molasses pumpkin batter swirling alongside the bitter dark chocolate espresso batter, with puddles of dark chocolate bubbling across its top. it looked so lovely i whipped up a second one for us to have for ourselves that's in the oven now, i think it could be a really good breakfast pastry for us this week.
#ugh it feels sooooooooo good to be enjoying cooking again#it was so bad the last like month or so i just#have been sooooo burnt out#it's genuinely insane what a 3 day vacation can do to reset you :(( it makes me sad lol#i wish that everyone could rest to their hearts content forever#i think i am someone who is extremely prone to burnout and i need about quadruple the amount of quiet alone resting time#that the average person does#so when i get burned out its like excruciating to pull myself out of it again#but im also the primary cook of my household so there isn't really time to take a break and recharge and find my joy for it because#we have to eat lol#3 times a day#every day#forever#BUT#i am feeling so much better about things now after making that dinner and baking a little bit#its feeling soooo autumnal around here lately too which helps#the changing of the seasons is so good for my cooking motivationg#idk#i was feeling pretty depressed that i was starting to resent cooking for a while there since when i enjoy it it's like#life-giving#soul sustaining#wonderful hobby that gives my life purpose and meaning#and it was breaking my heart that i wasn't feeling that way anymore#but i can feel myself coming back#writing about food helps me too#something about describing it#and sharing it with other people who are delighted by it#makes me enjoy it a little extra#sigh#i feel like im returning to myself finally !!!
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the doctor isnt neurodivergent or autistic or adhd or nonbinary or genderqueer or asexual. what the doctor is, is Not From Here
#which necessarily of course says something abt their (non)whiteness#(i had all these words in quotation marks first so mentally add those to whiteness too)#but we've them be black for all of 1.5 episode now so#lets see how that develops you know#also i dont think i understand the politics of that part well enough to say much abt it#not that i probably understand the politics of these parts better but#im annoyed enough abt this Thing happening these years. in these 20s i guess. the 'representation' thing#to complain abt it anyway#the dsm isnt real and it isnt gonna fuck you buddy#maybe i'll read some books and then one day i'll write an essay driven by spite and pettiness#i wonder if i can make the thesis statement about the tension between their status of main character#in a 60 year running family adventure show vs this therapy thing we're doing now#like. you cant do that. in terms of like. what story is and does. what a character is and does. it strains#in an interesting way. like im not saying they Shouldnt have done it. im just observing. that you cant do that really. i think#or maybe you can! but i'll find that out#i also dont know shit abt narratology or whatever so. need to read books first. sigh#always have to pause my thoughts to read myself in first its so annoying. esp bc i rarely really do#bc then new thoughts new things to do you cant do EVERYTHING. you can do almost nothing. bane of my existence really#but like you might even be able to say smth interesting here about whether you can call them traumatised at all#remember that article i saw around on tumblr a few years ago i think that was abt like. some scholar in the middle east maybe#saying that ptsd is a western thing bc it necessitates a Post#all of this is western. psychiatry is western. its all stories. how you conceptualise trauma is a story#whos Other is story#where youre from is a story what you stand for is a story who you are is a story#ah. checked the article. dr samah jabr. palestinian. i'll start with her book maybe
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hey. um. i love him
#O_O i really love him#it's getting warmer every day and i can't draw him in a sweater for much longer#by the way. is this site going to. yknow. die#sigh........i kept telling myself I'd get better at it one day#kind of like the way i tell myself i can get together courage to speak up but i never do#using another website just sounds so depressing#im not good at social media. im tired of pretending like i can get good at it#but you can't even pretend like you can jump into a conversation if no one is having a conversation#i wanted to be part of a community here but i never could figure out what belonging looked like or how i could do it#and maybe it's my fundamental misunderstanding of that that prevents it but how can i understand it without experience#I'm so jealous of everyone who looks like they achieved what i couldn't even put my finger on. but since i didn't even understand it#i can't even be sure what exactly im jealous of#the other day i walked past a trio of friends and they had their arms around each other and were laughing as they walked#and i felt really strongly that even though I've always wanted a friend like that I'm actually fundamentally incompatible with that.#there's several reasons#but it made me feel really sad. but it made me feel a little better too. i guess it's really not my fault. maybe. i don't really know#in that moment it felt very much like something that was not my fault. and it was nice and sad at the same time#idk what's going to happen here. but one thing i know for sure is that i can have a happy tomorrow. no matter what#no matter what i have to give up on. i can find joy in other things. even in myself#and if there's one idea that he is about. it's that one
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Improvement :3
#turns out practice does work....who would have thought .. apparently not me...#im very proud I've stayed with it#me??? actually liking ny art??? and seeing myself improve more than i have in a year within a couple months??????????#what a good hyperfixation/special interest does to you/silly#alas i need to keep branching out to the other ieytd characters because i wanna work on my fabby design#i have a hard time with costume and um she is literally THE fashion girlie so. i gotta work on that#because she DESERVES IT DAMNIT#also still working on a mental image for zor...sigh#im really into the vitti as zor theory and that 'zor' is a role/title that's kinna passed on....idk...i have thoughts.....#but yeah zor is so painfully human to me but also is trying to not be drives me up the WALL#THAT'S ANOTHER POSTS RANT how did i get here#alas#ieytd#[agent moose's art]#THAT'S IT not individually tagging these doodles? drawings? are not good enough for that#i don't have. the urge to draw in full colour rn <- so so so so busy <- leaves secondary education in less than 2 months#alas. I'm surviving. and very excited about next steps. just gotta get through. via ieytd. it's becoming my mantra#i keep saying i should make designs for solaris and redo my fabby so i can have triple threat explaining science to me on my flashcards#im. coping in my own special way
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does anyone else feel like they could be a really really good tour guide if the memory problems didnt exist
#LISTEN. LISTEN I COULD RAMBLE TO YOU FOREVER ABOUT MY CITY. I REALLY COULD#BUT MY MEMORY IS ASS AND I KNOW I WOULD END HALF OF MY SENTENCES WITH 'BUT THATS JUST ME' 😭😭#i would hate myself for misremembering something and passing on that information. and even more embarrassed if someone corrected me in fron#of a group of people.. i mean i guess its not realistic to know everything about everything but still a little embarrassing#but like seriously.. i could tell you about the weird public art sculptures. i could tell you about the local cryptid sighting from the 70s#i could tell you about the weather and public transportation system. i could tell you about the weird underground walkway#pretend im grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you back and forth because i would have so much fun doing that. UGH#on a similar note its also really fun to go through atlas obscura and wonder how tf some of these dont get more attention. like i get that#popular attractions would be more worthwhile. i tend to go for museums and aquariums whenever im visiting somewhere#but idk i think it would be cool to chill in an abandoned train station or popular skate park. shrugs#i seriously need to get out more. sigh#i showed crow pictures of it snowing hard this morning and they were flabbergasted that its like -5 degrees here lol#yapping#txt
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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The argument for guilty/unforgiven Amane is not just to prevent her from hurting Shidou.
Sorry (｡•́︿•̀｡) I really don't intend to change your vote or anything, but it's been stressing me out that some people seem to believe that's it with our argument.
Amane has "warned" Mahiru, which to me reads like a threat. Even if she couldn't actually kill Shidou, Mahiru here who is an easy target, who can't move properly, could easily be hurt or killed by her.
And on the other hand Amane doesn't have to kill Shidou, she just has to hurt him, and that could honestly be easy with a surprise and quick attack. She could incapacitate him and prevent him from giving health care to others. And this is important because Haruka is gonna try to kill himself, and he's gonna need urgent care afterwards.
And I've got a feeling some way or another we are gonna get some more people harmed in between t2 and t3.
So yeah we care about Shidou, but we care more about him being the only doctor and what that means to the others. That's why I posted this whole trial feeling like the trolley problem lol.
(there is also the argument that worries me the most that is Amane trying to convert Fuuta, but that's another post that someone else already made)
I love Amane and I honestly don't see her killing her abuser as something wrong, but she sees her murder as something supported by the cult. So I believe neither verdicts will be good for her, I feel since she got voted guilty on t1 she was doomed. But either way whether she ends up forgiven or unforgiven, I'll still be excited to see what happens next. I just don't like people missinterpreting our arguments.
So whether you are an inno or a guilty voter, don't forget to vote <3 and hope you all have a good day
#when i finished watching her mv i yelled 'YOU GO GIRL' it was 4am on a weekday#i just needed to get it off my chest because its something that stresses me out way too much. people missinterpreting what im saying#also amane reminds me of myself when i was her age? and that's really concerning#also i was gonna put the letters in red but when i saw it it felt to aggressive and i started panicking. i so dont want to offend anyone#milgram#amane momose#shidou kirisaki#mahiru shiina#tw abuse#tw cult#tw suicide#i am panicking as im typing this because im so scared of making someone upset. i wouldn't post it but idk why it stresses me out so much#when i feel like i cant get my point across properly and that has made me overexplain myself for years... sigh... here goes nothing i guess
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once again, the great question of "if i do this thing i will be upset but if i dont do this thing i will still also be upset"
#god i just wish everyone left me alone foreverrrrrr!!!!!!! (but at the same time being lonely sucks. but does it really)#i am losing myself to my own false interpretations of me!!#yay how fun guy super alright over here i am doing so great#just this year just this year just this year just this year just this year just this year#just this one more time and ill be fine after i promise#i keep having nightmares when sleeping#god the mood swings have never been this bad before#realistically i REALLY should ask for help and go to an actual therapist instead of dealing with this alone -#- but it has been working out so well so far!! (<- total bs)#im the kind of person that never takes action unless the whole thing is minutes away from crashing down#mdiaryposting#i dont think im that great of a person after all#sigh im going to sleep. and skipping tomorrow. and once again turning out to be a giant hypocrite#i should delete this later i think
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up next on chapter 36 of idol sengen… _(:3 」∠)_
#(my toxic trait is that i’ll complain about my work endlessly but still end up doing it anyway… eventually.)#there’s rant 1 (ft. a need to deduce what asuna is saying in full) and rant 2 (which is available in full but still…)#there’s also another mona-rambling session in chapter 38… that im not touching with a 50 foot pole#(all you need to know for that mona-rambling [about frusu] is that mona’s frusu oshi is all of them)#(and that she thinks miyu is like *the* pinnacle of centres in idol groups)#(also someone won a junior dance competition but idk who bc it’s obscured lmao)#can i outsource these panels for a corn chip lmaoooo#m. maybe i should’ve actually worked on this while i was still unemployed last month huh…#bc excuse me company wdymmmmmm im starting work next monday?? the interview was just this monday hello?#ig the interviewer was legit when she said ‘so if i asked you if you can start work next monday—’ huh…#sigh… maybe ch 36 next month then… i’ll do my best over the weekend thoughhhhh#seriously though why is this volume so text heavy l m a o i really wanna get to chapter 40 but…#and then there’s the hard to clean text boxes which… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#…though i guess i should just count myself lucky that the chapters are still short enough to fit into a single post (with the image limits)#but dang. i just realised that my manga sengen thing has a page on manga updates lmao#who put it there lmaooooo and why is it only up till vol 2? wait. no. what. why does it link to manga.dex#bc dang. someone really had the time to dl the thing image by image? no wonder why they stopped after vol 2…#guess i might as well say why i dont want people to reupload my tls… since we’re in the final stretch and all#so. aside from the obvious ‘idw the creators to find out about it’… i probably made a ton of mistakes while tling it. esp in the early chaps#so i’d like to. y’know. have the chance to update the tls where possible. i’ve done that a couple of times already tbh.#like with rippei’s name post-vol 4 release. and some of the typesetting is p. gross in the early chaps tbvh#i swear tling idol sengen has made me incredibly conscious of grammar and typesetting like you wouldnt believe#esp with official tls… fan tls will always be perfect to me no matter how wonky the wording bc it’s hard but honest work yk#official tls (esp a.i tls) get no concessions from me bc it’s their job that they’re getting paid to do yk.#in any case (if you’ve read this far) if you see any mistakes in the tl please lemme know~~~ please dont hold back on your criticisms ok~~~?#just sound ‘em out in dms here or sth. don’t worry~~~ i won’t eat y’all if you try to correct me~~~~~ unless you’re the md reuploader (jk)#and ik i disabled comments on the other blog (or tried to at least) but that’s bc idw bots to flood the comments bc that’s annoying as he—#anyways sorry for the idol sengen wait (if anyone was waiting for it…) i’ll improve on my work ethic… tomorrow. maybe.
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alright so ive decided the first three chapters of as the years pass by are getting rewritten!!
updates with each will be slow, but ill try to somehow release them all at once to not confuse things since there are some things i need to add, plus i realized how i wasnt actually focusing on jenna and ethan properly so yeah a rewrite here we come lmao
#ninjago#ninjago au#astheyearspassby#atypb#levi's ted talks#levi's writing#will put this on ao3 rn#since they really do need a rewrite#theyll definitelyy take a long while esp with other wips but hey theyll be out eventually!#of course there are also things that ill keep but ive been thinking of adding and changing stuff yk what i mean#which means i also have ch4 to start over once i finish those 3#*sigh* well i put myself up to this lmao#another multichapter story (the lostshipping fic) is also coming up so i think ill be focusing a little more on that first and on atypb#at the same time somehow#but with my lack of free time itll be a hella slow process#ill try to post the ref sheets of jenna and ethan first too#its like if im posting the fic again yk what i mean#i also might add their designs in the future too bc theyre still kids here#ninjago dragons rising#sorry if anyone was waiting for ch4 :"))#ill try to write it along with the rewrites#so the release date between the two wouldnt be too big#watch my freetime go “fuck you”
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my life doesn't even feel real anymore.... i feel so dissociated from everything that it is so genuinely upsetting. i keep getting lost in fantasies and then in moments of clarity realize how much my life fucking sucks and also how little I care about it at all. why live in your own life when you can just dissociate from everything so hard that none of it feels real. jk it fucking sucks i just wish i could experience any genuine emotions besides the occasional sadness about the state of my life right now.
#i want friends. i want a boyfriend. i want a family.#i just want a life surrounded by people who haven't caused me a shit ton of trauma but in the end theyre the only people i can turn back to#and that doesnt mean im not grateful for everything my parents have done for me#and the fact that i live a really cushy life because of them#but jesus christ having to fucking hide so much about myself around them. my plurality and you know#the fucking trauma and abuse they have done to me and how badly that has affected me#is taking such a huge toll on me#and the thing is that making connections is so fucking hard???#and i have top surgery coming up in october so i cant get a job or go to school yet#everything is fucking miserable#i am getting so depressed. dear god#vent#sighs.#sorry for dumping this here i just needed to get it out
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will i get in trouble if i make a joke about wanting to hire a hitman (not seriously asking but now i AM a little curious actually LMAO)
#i am so............... sigh.#trying to be so good about this whole situation but jesus christ i am close to tears i am just so fucking tired of it all#can my mother be normal about my generation struggling to make ends meet and fat people just existing for like. five minutes. please.#those are her two favourite groups of ppl to complain about endlessly and i am so fucking tired of it#even worse is that she does it in a way of like ''oh im just concerned :) you should all be taking better care of yourselves''#i think i would rather she come right out and say she thinks we're all stupid and awful and wastes of space#anyways here's to another day of having complex feelings about Le Abuser and wishing she was Not Existing while also not wanting her dead#head in my hands i wish i could disappear myself#also so fun knowing she thinks my body is disgusting bc of the body hair i have 👍👍👍 really doing great today#abuse tw#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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goddammit all that LV worldbuilding has lead me to creating a scene in my head that now has me wondering if i have to put a plot-important sex scene in what will be a main-storyline arc instead of a fade to black or disconnected easily-skippable oneshot
#theres a point where the guy HAS to get some energy out and the bf is RIGHT THERE ...........................#sigh. a bit ago i made a lil agreement with myself that actual sex stuff wouldn't really be in the main plot outside of allusions#and that anything Real would stay in epilogue fics & oneshots#but now im like. man. there is something here that i can use!!!! but its like im still in the mindset of writing as a young teen!!!!#too scared to make other ppl uncomfortable with MY OWN DAMN STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#WHEN will my brain catch up that other people finding selfcest weird is a skill issue on THEIR part fucks SAKE!!!!!!!!#laying facedown on the ground . as if thats not the entire reason i made this blog in the first place 😔#every time i go on atbb and the pinned rules reminds me of a time that is not necessary anymore#im GROWN NOW !!!! I NEED NOT RESTRICT MYSELF ANY LONGER#but my AUDIENCE..................#ppl said it was refreshing that i had selfcest where everything wasnt about sex and obv it still wont be but that is IN MY BRAIN FOREVER#AUUYHGHGHGHGH SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THIS 14 YEAR OLD OUT OF MY HEAD SO EDGE CAN FINALLY GET DICKED DOWN COME ONNNNNN
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hello 🩷
#how are you guys 😔#what have y’all been up to?😼#I miss being active on here#cant sleep so I remembered I had a tumblr acc there I post my lil delulu fics hehe#actually I also remembered I have loads of wips I should really finish writing#but school stresses me out so bad (even tho I’m procrastinating a lot…)#so I can’t even write something without feeling so stressed ugh#I was just thinking about nanami and his big protruding arms and abs and his thighs hehehehehee giggling so bad it’s literally 4 am I need#to go sleep rn because I got a test today…gonna fail it so bad (it’s all my fault…sighs disappointedly at myself)#ALSO ALSO I COMMISSIONED A ARTIST AND IM SOOO EXCITED RO RECEIVE THE FINISHED ARTWORK#the sketch itself is GORGEOUS#cant wait to show y’all me and my husband together 😼#ok I should sleep 😔#kei talking!
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...
#so theres this terrible thing i do where i force myself to get up way too early and go into the lab before anyone else#bc i get overwhelmed when lots of ppl r around. its terrible bc if u do that over and over it kinda breaks ur brain#but there is something i like abt walking around while its still dark out and on ones on thr roads looking up at the stars and theyre all#haloed here bc theres actually moisture in thr air here. i feel. idk how i feel. more normal i guess. like neutral but in a negative way.#like i dont really care about anything. probably im just tired. i haven't been sleeping well. maybe its the birth control#which im still taking bc im too curious abt how my mood fluctuates when my hormones r controlled. or maybe its my mood. but ive been tired#and ive not been having fun. i just feel like im very no thoughts empty head. here's info do u have anything to say abt it? any observations#? no. no. cant read cant think cant talk in a way that makes may sense. what do we do abt it? i dunno. i dunno.#sleep maybe. stop taking the birth control maybe. talk to my councilor monday definitely. give her an insane rant abt how im definitely not#bipolar lol i think ive got a point. but i go back and forth idk. it doesn't really matter. i just find it interesting#sigh. remember when i had time to draw? remember when i wanted to draw? now im just tired#whatever. ill sleep and feel better. get my executives to function maybe. maybe. but probably not#i did cut off like 3 inches of hair on impulse. got that chin length depression haircut. classic#unrelated
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