#so theres this terrible thing i do where i force myself to get up way too early and go into the lab before anyone else

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[instantinternetcrush]

i’m not used to people caring about me in the way i actually need or want. babe, you scare me a bit. there’s a reason i fuck everything up before anything has the chance to be anything more than a pipe dream.

i start talking to her vaguely, drunkenly, about vulnerability. i crave it, but i can’t take it. i get it, and i get scared in the way a raccoon does at night when you shine a flashlight at it while its rifling through your trash.

i need it though. in that not-too-soft, but still there, somehow, against every odd way not a single soul has been able to replicate. believe me when i say i’ve tried. when i say i’ve told you what i want.

there’s a reason i do everything drunk. impaired. whatever adjective lets me view everything that happens as some sort of third party.

i care about you, but somehow not enough. somehow never in the right way. i compensate by romanticizing everything in the worst way. i’ll fixate on the terrible parts of everything and then fall in my version of love with it.

i’ll tell people i love the things i know im supposed to. your hand in my hair, the smile you give me when i make a dumb nonsequiter joke that isn’t worth the effort it takes to laugh. but if i were honest with myself, with anyone; i live for the parts that should be red flags.

i think of you pulling on my chain like a dog. your bruising grip on me in the club whenever i spoke to another man.

i tell her i’m the person everyone calls when people even remotely in my life have emergencies. i’d still pick up for everyone i haven’t spoken to since august. every time a spammer calls i answer anyway.

i couldn’t say what drives me to that. that desperate desire to be wanted. like an animal in a shelter, babe, i’ll do whatever if it means you’ll take me home and hold me close til you get tired of being what i need you to be.

‘it doesn’t take much,’ i tell her. i fall easy when i deem it worth it and boy do i fall hard.

i wanna say you’re different. some part of me says i knew it’d be like this, the opposing side says something about how i call bullshit on everything as some type of avoidance.

she tells me i’m a commitment-phobe. that i hide from everything except her son, who is the only human being on the planet who has never asked a damn thing from me.

(when i say im a dad, i mean for a year and 11 months i was the pseudo parent for a terminally ill toddler. i still mean it because now it’s been two years and change since i’ve been a functional parent for a kid who has no real mother or father.)

mostly because he lacks the words to tell me he needs more. everyone needs more than i can humanly give but i still give it willingly. who cares if you’re sucking the marrow from my discarded bones. i wasn’t using it anyway, right? i’m sure you need it more.

it’s easier for me to tell my secrets here. where i’m hiding in plain sight and nothing i say or do particularly matters so long as i string words together in ways people can shoehorn themselves between.

all this to say you do it different. it’s easier for me to detach myself completely and be honest in the way i know im supposed to when you’re a couple hundred miles away and more in love with the idea of who i am than the real self that always lurks just out of your line of sight.

you know i’m mean. cold hearted. some deep seated issues with intimacy buried so deep it’ll take one of my parents dying to ever actually address in any real or meaningful way. you hold my hand in the club anyway.

somehow you recognize the far off and terrified look in my eyes when my disconnected brain actually does the math on how many people i’m in a room with.

and you ask if i’m ok. you take me somewhere quiet enough where i can hear myself think and you hold onto my fragile wrists just tight enough to remind me that i live on this planet with every other bastard with two hands and a heart.

somehow you recognize a different lilt in my forced laugh when i’m poking fun at myself and theres something behind your eyes that betrays a level of care i never expected or saw coming from you. you look me in the eyes just enough, with just enough callousness that i do believe you when you tell me, perhaps begrudgingly, that you care whether i live or die. that you like my company.

she tells me you’re perfect and i suspect for a moment that she also knows me better than i’d like to acknowledge. i understand from her perspective. i understand from my own if im being fully honest. she says that the way you spoke about me, half asleep and half drunk, wrapped around me like you’d die if you took your hand off of me- no chance you thought this was anything other than exactly what i needed.

in spite of it all. every year that’s passed, every poorly received joke, every drunk phone call, you’re still here.

she says you were obviously waiting. that you aren’t disappointed by what you got after all of it.

but you’re here. after everything you’re still here. your head on my chest and my hands on your shoulders and i don’t want to ever be anywhere else.

i can’t shut up about you, you know. i play coy with my family. tell them i’ve got a musician friend in the desert with curly hair and a penchant for off color jokes. tell my friends i need to make you my wife and refuse to elaborate when they inevitably ask for details. you know better than anyone i like keeping my secrets.

somehow you’ve managed to figure me out. the important bits at least. the parts i try my hardest to hide. there will be time for everything else later.

[apocalyptic-morals]

A ramble of my life-

I simply need to get this out in some way.

There are very few people in my life who would accept me 100% for who i truly am. but to be honest i find myself asking, why does it even matter? what does their acceptance do for me? i am fake- i am a mirror reflecting what i think other people want, and therefore to them that is who i am. i am who they think i am to them, a small fragment of their life story in their head. this is the first time i am being honest to anyone other than myself. i simply lack empathy for most people. im not stupid, im not socially inept. i know what reactions matter to what topics, i know when to act sensitive, when to seem warm and open. i know how to make myself cry at funerals, i know when to laugh at peoples jokes. i know when i should seem to care.

alas, i am not completely emotionally empty. the only emotionally bonding experience i am able to have is with animals, such as cats, dogs, birds, anything. i have absolutely no clue why this is the way it is for me. i have bear witness to many morbid obscurities, as a matter of fact i am pursuing forensics since blood and g*re doesnt bother me. however, the first time i felt any tears on my face in many years was actually recently, when i put my dog down. i cant remember the last time i felt happiness.

i truly wish i wasnt this way. in the same way people try NOT to care about things, ive done all i can to force myself to care. im not even considered a loner- i initiate social interactions all the time. i have a partner, a family, friends. i feign these interactions because it seems like it should be normal- if i didnt, my family would be worried, and would try and seek me help. this honestly seems like a hassle over something that cannot be tamed, out of convenience i am a mirror to their views on me. to everyone i am me, to me i am no one. i was raised to care about the people around me, i was raised to be kind and loving, to be normal and so as to keep up this façade, i do everything i can to live up to their expectations.

at the same time, i know its not normal to not react to things properly. if i had it my way, id be a hermit. very few things make me feel happiness, very few things make me feel sadness. very few things bring emotion out of me. this lack of emotions would make me seem like an asshole in many settings. for example, at work, someone who had a dairy allergy received cheese on their sandwich. even though i knew and understood the severity of the situation, i just simply couldn't care. in my head, i made the situation right for me, out of my own convenience. i could even go so far as to say had that lady taken a bite and something terrible happened, i still wouldn't care. any tragedy in my life that has occurred regarding people, i just don't feel anything about. im j hollow all the time.

my partner and mines bond is the closest to a genuine bond ill ever have with a human- its because they are kind enough to try and figure me out. they are the only person to make me want to continue life, and thats good enough for me to keep trying for them. however, i have absolutely no clue what love is. i don't think my partner would want to stay with someone like me for very long when they have so much affection to give, so theres no point in searching for answers. if they stay, they stay. if they go, good for them. they are the only person ive discussed this with. i dont know if they want to fix me, or what they want, but for now i don't mind their presence. living with them is convenient anyways, to say the least.

to put an end to this rambling, theres only one more thing id like to mention. whether or not theres a reason why i am the way i am, it doesnt matter. i am who i always have been, and i cant change. someone i do look up to is the character from dexter, dexter morgan. other than the fact i have 0 interest in pursuing homicide as a hobby, hes someone i see myself in in a sense where his sense of self is very similar to my own views. he fakes it till he makes it, and goes after his motives and goals (even though theyre completely different from my own). i look up to him because he eventually is able to form somewhat genuine relationships with others, and throughout the series you see a plethora of emotions shine through him. i simply hope i can do the same.

[dead-cr0w]

Really long and heavy vent because I need to let some of it out

This isn’t everything I could possibly type up but I calmed down a bit ((tws in tags))

My relationship with my parents is so confusing because I me because I don’t know if they hate me or actually care about me???

Like half the time my mom is honestly awesome, takes me places, lets me do stuff, we hang out, etc..

But the other half is times she has straight up told me

I hate you

I never loved you

I wouldn’t care if you died

All you bring is problems

I wish I never had kids

You ruined my life by being born

Or she’ll just insult me for just being in the kitchen

Stuff like that 😒

My dad though is his own thing

In short, they’re both narcissistic, bipolar, and literally blame everything on everyone except themselves

And not to mention when my brother fucking sexually harassed me and they just brushed it off???

Like it lasted for 4 years almost non stop

And they didn’t care

HIS PUNISHMENT WAS HAVING HIS PHONE TAKEN UNTIL HE SAID SORRY. HES A SENIOR IN HIGHSCHOOL WTF

ALSO MULTIPLE TIMES THEY JUST PINNED IT AS “boys have urges sometimes 😊”

I GOT SENT TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL BECAUSE I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF LAST AUGUST.

HER SOLUTION: TAKE MY DOOR AND MAKE ME FEEL LESS SAFE AROUND MY BROTHER

FUN FACT: I KNOW HE WOULD TRY SOMETHING IN MY SLEEP BECAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WOKE UP WITH NO CLOTHES ON AFTER I FORGOT TO LOCK MY DOOR AT NIGHT

THERES BEEN TIMES WHERE HE TRIES TO PICK THE LOCKS TO MY ROOM SO HE CAN GET IN.

AND BACK TO MY MOM!

THERE WAS ONE TIME IN THIRD GRADE WHERE I COULDN’T FIND AN OUTFIT FOR SCHOOL SO SHE MADE ME BE LATE FOR THE BUS CUZ I STAYED INSIDE

AFTER SHE DROPPED MY BROTHERS OFF AND GOT BACK HOME SHE RIPPED OFF MY CLOSET DOOR AND FUCKING THREW IT AT ME

LITERALLY MY ENTIRE LIFE IVE BEEN FORCED TO BE THE PERFECT DAUGHTER

STRAIGHT A’s NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE PERFECT ROLE MODEL NOT THE WEIRD KID

AND I WAS FINE

AND THEN A COUPLE YEARS AGO I JUST SNAPPED

AND NOW SHE HATES ME.

Oh yea, then I wanted to watch my body slowly fall apart and break, so I started self harming not, and smoking, drugs, eating random probably poisonous plants etc.. sooo that’s super coolio!!!

Uhh uhh uhh anyways if you read this far, hi I guess

I’m doing terrible right now

Lonely as fuck lmao..

Do you ever want to ask for attention or to talk to someone but you don’t want to seem annoying especially because everyone is closer to the other people around you so they have no reason to talk to you?

I have one friend irl who I almost never talk to anymore

And I feel really awkward trying to talk to you guys online because I feel like I don’t belong or like I’m third wheeling all of you guys

Like I’m forcing my way in, and I’m not supposed to be here

[thingsdontgetbetter]

basically for spencer, my flame, lottie if she ever thinks of going through my tumblr, and charlie, if he ever has the chance of finding my old tumblr to look at this, part 1/x

i scheduled this a week after to make sure if i actually did succeed in kmsing then this would be for you all, and if i didnt i could delete this in time before anyone would have to see this ever. right now it is 1:43am 6/16/24, i have spent all day being exhausted and barely being able to pack up stuff to be easier for whoever finds me to get to the right people i cared about. i still have cleaning my bathroom, taking out the trash, and putting together the computer im typing this on to be put in charlies stuff to be sent to him, along with taping everyones addresses to their boxes/bags.

not to be writing this out like im santa but i just wanna make sure theyre getting to the right people! if they didnt get to you then the aprtment/eviction people did something weird with them, idk if theres any legal requirement for them to go to where i asked them to go, but know that i had this all in mind for all of you.

spencer: i had like. 6 quadrillion things i thought youd might like, from all my plushies to some masc clothing, idk if you can even wear a lot of it, but i thought youd like it. i threw in basically every hat and comfy hoodie i had, along with some hair stuff, because i thought maybe youd smell it and think of me. i tried really hard to think about if you were gone what i would want of you. most if not all my post im making in the idea that youll see it and theres just so much i wanted to say without tipping off that i was shooting myself later, and i wanna come back to that, but i want this part to be like what i sent to u all.

lottie: pretty much all my womens clothes and make up, i honestly started yours like 12 hours ago i forgot so much of whats in there. your containers dont close all the way which is super annoying….. im gonna try to tape it closed? idk theyre fucked up containers but nowhere is open at this time for me to get something different, i already had it, and ideally you get it! theres perfume, some shoes i hope you can wear, if none of this you cann wear i hope you know someone who would want to wear them. theres also two board games.

charlie: im starting off by saying i have been the worst to you. by far. and im so sorry. a lot of what im doing tonight comes in the thought that i feel like i dont have it in me to do anything for myself or anyone else, just being this black hole where people are forced to put up with me, and even more than youve done it economically this last year, youve had to do it for 10 years now. more than anyone. you deserve someone way better than me as a friend, and i cannot be just a burden or a toxic person to you, or to anyone else, yet i also dont have the strength to provide for myself either. im a leech and a bum, just a scummy girl in general, and i dont wanna be that anymore. thank you for everything, and im so sorry for hurting you in this way, the capstone of me being terrible to you in an attempt to not be a worse person to you or anyone else in the future. i sent you my computer and some other electronics ideally so you could have something to go through to think of me if you wanted to, or to sell it to get your money back that youve lent me that realistically i dont think i could ever have it in me to get back to you in actual cash, because i cannot live and provide for myself.

tumblr has a character limit so im posting this as a 1/x

[wingedbeings]

ok an e ways here we go again girls

[variousincorrectxreader]

Hiii! Can I have an arcane matchup please 🖤

She/her,bi.

I'm 5'6, mixed (half white half black) so I have light tan skin, really short brown curly hair, hazel eyes and glasses.

Personality: I am very empathetic, always trying to keep the people around me happy (even if I'm not in the end) I hate disappointing people so I can over work myself sometimes. Mostly I am kind and polite, but a I get very sassy moments (I can also be very sarcastic). Im also kind of reserved when I first meet someone and it can take me awhile to show my fun, goofy, happy side to them Aquarius, infj I like reading books, writing, listening to music (mostly kpop). I also like to go exploring like in the forest or even abandoned places I also love cooking and baking (more so baking tbh) my favorite song is girls (by girl in red) or sharp objects (by sorn) sometimes I stop in the middle of talking because I think I talk to much (I've been told many times that I do so I just try not to really talk in a way)i play with my hands a lot, I have a really high pitched (idk sorta cute?) sneeze, I can be very clumsy (I literally tripped on air once😂) when I do something scary my hands shaky after I've done the scary thing (if that makes any sense)

Hello there! Sorry for taking so long, I'm just busy with a very important 4 part internal so things are backed up right now, but here it is! I also saw the “I’m 16″ thing in my inbox so it’s fine <3

I pair you with...

Vi! Okay, hear me out. I asked my friend about it, and they said Caitlyn and I initially thought Caitlyn as well. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized you’d probably vibe a lot more with Vi. At first she sorta thought you were weak, but your empathetic nature, and clumsiness got to her, and kinda triggered her “must protect” instinct.

Shes (surprisngly) patient with getting to know you, she knows what its like having a hard time properly opening up, once you begin showing your happy/goody side, she just feels her heart swell

She knows overworking is terrible, so shes pretty stern with you, sometimes forcing you to get rest.

LOVES being snarky with you when it happens, much to the chargin of Caitlyn

girl, shes so keen on trying all the food you make. Please feed her, she will be so happy to test stuff out for you

She notices your shaky hands after going through something really nervewracking/scary, so it doesnt take her long to put the pieces together, she doesnt really know how to help, but she tries anyways, maybe teaching you a breathing technique, or just hugging you till you calm down.

You guys listen to girl in red all the time, theres no convincing me otherwise, she loves the songs, legit will fall asleep in your arms while listening to GIR.

Vi would like dates where you guys go our exploring, but she wont mind if you would rather stay in and just read, shes happy to listen to you rant (Even outside of dates, dont be afraid to talk to her about anything and everyhing!)

She finds it so funny how you seem to be able to trip over anything, but will always catch you/pick you up.

She sometimes throws you over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, you cant change my mind.

She has the sweetest nicknames for you, ones like Cutie, or Nerd, maybe even baby or sweet cheeks (Ekko makes fun of her when he sees her being soft, so does Caitlyn)

LOVES YOUR SNEEZE. She thinks its so cute <3

Girl, she is in LOVE with your hair and glasses. Calls you her nerd

[hi-chae]

The Sorority Logs - #1 The Beginning

hello! we're the sorority! you may know me from @the-sorority-system and our syscourse posts but here is our more casual blog.

the details of this log will be our diagnosis journey, our thoughts on how therapy is going, and more. we need a healthy way to put these thoughts out. whether or not we're a disordered system will be determined in the future and will be in the contents of this log but we find this log to be important anyways. If I am disordered, cool, this will be a great way to detail our journey. If I'm not, this will help questioning systems figure certain things out.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE FROM THE STATE I AM IN WITHIN THE U.S. DO NOT see this log as a checklist of everything you need to do to get referrals / diagnosed. This is all within my personal experience and yours will be different. There is also a general content warning for doubting your system. is disclaimer will be put on the beginning of all of my posts.

The journey will be long... let's start

it all starts in... god i don't even know where the proper start is. was it in summer of 2022, where i had a mental breakdown so bad that lutz came in and took care of me? was it in summer of 2021, where i discovered the endogenic community and finally felt heard? only for that to be ripped from me in that same winter? or was it sometime in middle school, where i was "faking" DID because i thought it was cool but my members were never anime characters and i felt something physically change when i was them?

the answer is: i dont know. maybe it started in childhood when i made up a best friend named rachel or maybe it was far from that. i dont know. and im scared to know but also im excited to find out.

i live in an area where information about DID isnt exactly up to date. according to more experiences systems, not a lot of therapists know how to recognize it. and not a lot of therapists in general specialize in DID.

but im getting tested anyways. and im incredibly lucky to do so. because i got a referral to get a psych eval and im getting follow up tests in March. that should be exciting right? it is but... i dont want to be told my problems arent serious and they arent what i think they are and that the way i view myself is wrong. i feel like a lot of our identity focuses on how our brain works and its... terrible. i wish i could accept everything i was told i am but theres something deep inside of me who knows what i or we are.

no more thoughts. lets get some dates down.

end of November

i get my psych eval done. i dissociate the whole time while he asks me and my mom questions about my mental health. i think he notices this because he wants testing done on my dissociation. i feel relieved but also terrified. mostly because of my insurance.

DEC 13TH, 2022

in therapy, a protected little comes out with our permission. she cries and cries and babbles baby talk. our therapist can see our hurt and wants her to know she's doing a good job. but something feels... off. he refers to them as our core and talks about how she's actually a big kid who isn't who she actually is. she knows this isn't true. she cries anyways. she trusts him. thats a relief. but something still feels wrong. she continues therapy groups, still sensitive, still small, until we leave for the night, where one of us forces her to go back (she did a really good job). we process whats happened. it feels wrong, feels gross. we cant put a finger on it other than that we feel invalidated somehow. to some people we went to about how we werent who we thought we were. they comfort and reassure us. our biggest worry was that he didnt believe us but if he didnt believe us, he wouldnt have brought out that little. his information is just a little outdated, go figure. they suggest we go to him the next day to ask him to do more modern techniques

DEC 14tth, 2022

we ask him to go for more modern techniques and he said we would talk about it in our next session. we straight up ask him if he thinks we have a dissociation disorder and he says he doesnt think i do. he thinks i have very separated "protective parts of myself". it sends me into a panic. i ask a few people if they know if most therapists know how to recognize DID, because something felt off again. not a lot do, the more experienced system says. they press more and analyze that it seems like he knows he's out of his area of expertise and that his info is just really outdated due to the fact that DID used to be seen as MPD and there was a time where MPD was seen as "needing the inner child to be healed" (it also wasnt considered a dissociative disorder). that somewhat reassures me. what reassures me the most is hearing how if hes accepting of the idea to talk about it next session, he's willing and encouraging of it. if he avoids the topic, he's likely doubtful. more than anything, i want my experiences to be believed. im glad he believes me. and im glad i can believe that he believes me.

that leaves me with today, awaiting the next session. if im honest, im scared but hopeful. logically, i know i wont be invalidated in my feelings. his heart is in the right place and he wants to help and understand and believe in me. im nervous and he can sense that but i know whatever im going through, he's willing to put in the effort to see who the sorority system is.

[gayspock]

worked myself up so terribly. ive been thinking the most frightening and all too scary extraterrestuation (extraterrestial situation) would be if, like, we just didn't click... didnt mesh.... the stars did not align with us. and well if we politely just did not like each other. etc. etc. etc.... like you know what i mean. because you see, its always proposed, you know- the frightening potential wherein they'd HATE!!!! our pussy so bad. and sure, oh i do get a little nervous of that too. dont get me wrong. and i know lots of other people do too- you see its been done so many times in books and in movies and its even on the telly. always some bloke who writes a story like "llalalala and then the funny guys with lots of body parts sort of adjacent to ours but green shot us in the fucking heads until we explodied" and when the blokes writes the story, he grins to himself and i think he writes a love heart above the i in apocalypse (he puts one in so he can do that) because he loves this little story of his when he imagines all the scary guys from outer space coming down to shoot us with guns and blood and slime. and like i think its a bit scary too like i said but im just ... i dont know... uhm well isnt this all embarassing to bare yourself like this, but also to bare yourself in a way where its like "oh fucking hell, we get it youre a relatable tumblr user" but sniff sniff dont you think it would just be a little worse off if they didnt even want to blow heads up goo style and they didnt even not DISlike us but maybe oh- oh gosh we make first contact remotely and we're all soooo excited but then we go through a whole palaver to get to one another and its like gassed up and there's like a big welcome party with balloons and confetti maybe at pizza hut so we get to use the ice cream machines there but then we all finally sit down and uhm... its just dead you know.... its just dead air between us. like a tinder date. like they dont even have a substantial reason to not really gel with us they just sort of get the ick and its one of those things you know where we dont all fall in love with everyone we meet and its a bittersweet fact that is, you know, that you dont truly purse your lips at until the taste is in your mouth and you have to really fucking demolish the coke zero you ordered to swish it out like all of this anticipation and for what and your alien bestie is just sort of fidgeting all uncomfortable like, kinda shredding the napkins and you dont even think you want to ask if theres a second date because youre not sure you want one either, that fleeting feeling of "ah, well theyre not it for me, babe" except it isnt even fleeting its sustained because unlike the words of comfort you can try to tide yourself over with, this truly might just be not just a once in a life time sort of chance but a once in a many lifetimes sort of venture and its sooooo awkward because its like its not like you guys can really even try or force it you know and its not like they did anything or you did anything like none of us went into here with sour intentions and the only mistake was the hopefulness we had but its like oh christ. oh fucking hell. they just dont really fancy spending the time with us i think im shaking...

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[nutellarghh]

17 Questions, 17 people

Holy shit I am terrible in tag games apparently, since I didn’t even know this many people tagged me in this! So, thank you to @but-theres-wolves @ilovepeachystuff @fairytales-and-folklore and @fanfics-fix ! 

Nicknames: Nutella, Nut, Nutty, Nat, Bitch are among the most popular. There were some people at one point who called me Talia, but that died a while back.

Zodiac: Cancerrrr

Height: 5″4 I think?

Hogwarts house: Slytherin all the way!

Last thing I googled: “the mozambique”. I have a weird feeling this says too much about me.

Followers: 606.

Song stuck in my head: ummm... the ‘suck a dick’ vine song. intercepted with “fuck this shit, im out” every now and then.

How much sleep: either 0 hours or like, 11-12. There’s no inbetween and thanks, I hate it.

Lucky number: 13 I guess? 

Dream job: Oh man, I wanted to be a lawyer for so long. I still do in some ways, but I also like my current job so now I’m torn between getting back into education to finish all my legal qualifications, or staying and investment banking where I’m currently getting qualifications... Life, man

Wearing: Long fluffy pyjama pants and a coca cola night shirt. I’m in Poland, it’s winter, I’ve been working from home for almost two years now, fuck you.

Favourite song: One???? You want me to list one??? Impossible?????????? But according to my spotify, my most replayed song this year (that wasn’t for like, trying to hypnotise myself into sleep or force myself into hyperfocus reasons, just for enjoyment reasons) was Burn Burn by Nico Vega

Favourite instrument: Drums. Gimme all the base. I want my lungs rattling against my ribcage.

Aesthetic: Um. Swearin’, smokin’, drinkin’? 

Favourite Author: Actual fave is a Polish author, Halina Rudnicka. English - Orwell. Fanfic - I think we’re all simping after @isthatbloodonhisshirt here.

Favourite animal noise: Deer. They make the most fucked up, derpy noises and I love it.

Something random: Dude, my whole life is random. I don’t know what to say herrreeeeeeeeeee

Aight, im gonna tag @ash-mcj @princecharmingwinks @tails89 @fairydustedtheory @idle-rodent (we connected, now im gonna tag you in all the shit, get ready for that) @seanchaidh7 @alphadiablo29 @asarcasticwitch @jmeelee and everyone else who wants to participate

[depressedacadamia]

A kiss would be nice

Summary: Magnus develops feelings for his roomate and has no idea what to do; when theres' some serious miscommunication, Alex and Magnus have to solve an obvious problem.

Pairing:  Fierrochase

A/N: THIS WAS MY FIRST EVER REQUEST!!!!  I swear I'm gonna organise my Masterlist on tumblr coz its a hot mess rn and then I will get a prompt list up. Anyway, I hope this lives up to the expectations of the request- enjoy and comment!

Read on A03        M;List

Magnus liked Alex.

How exactly was he meant to process this?

Yes. Alex was sometimes a girl and other times a boy but what did it make him?

He could remember the moment Alex came floundering into his life, confident about who she was and Magnus could only think about how much he didn't know about himself. It was ridiculous, in his opinion, to think that he fundamentally changed as a person just because he liked someone.

So why did he feel so scared to come to that conclusion that he did in fact like Alex?

“What are you thinking so hard about over there, pretty boy?” Alex asked dryly as he scrolled through his phone while he dangled off the top bunk of their dormitory. Startled, Magnus snapped his head towards Alex and with no game whatsoever stuttered a terrible lie.

“Uh- Uh, nothing.”

“Uhu,” Alex emphasised. “ So that totally wasn't a lie.”

“Yes, Wait, I mean no- wait,” Magnus stuttered out again, his hands beginning to fidget and his palms becoming sweaty.

Alex simply raised an eyebrow before softly sighing and returning to his phone scrolling. He knew that Magnus wasn't the kind to keep secrets in a malicious manner- if he wasn't spilling something, it was because he didn't feel comfortable and Alex knew as well as anyone else that if Magnus was uncomfortable, nothing was spilling from his lips.

Clenching his fists in finality, Magnus got up, accidentally banging the top of his head on the top bunk above him where Alex was elegantly dangling off, his hair defying the laws of gravity by maintaining its rightful position on his head. He rubbed his head, swore under his breath and continued to make a bashful exit from the dorm room.

Alex could tell that something was definitely up.

Sure, Magnus was weird- he sometimes came back home at incredibly odd hours, always seemed relatively silent when one were to ask him where he had been and he almost always wore his lengthy blonde hair in a way that covered the majority of his face; in fact, Alex had thought about tilting his chin up just so he could get a better view of his elegant features.

So what exactly was it causing his roommate to act so oddly?

Magnus was in the bathroom. In fact he was hiding out in one of the stalls, trying his best to avud Alex at all costs. What had started out as a way to skip the horribly boring parts of his classes, now became a full blown ritual in which he would run away to his favourite bathroom stall- the one by the very end, next to the hand blow dryers, were his favourite but also alarmed him because it was there where he could hear whether anybody really washed their hands and there was an alarming amount of evidence which contradicted so.

He would take a book or sometimes just plug in his earphones to listen to music as he essentially hid out in the stall. Sometimes, when he felt a bit more confident- and knew Alex would be off campus- Magnus would hide out in the library; a much more comfortable and all round better smelling place to read, study and or listen to music.

But now as he slowly emerged from the stall after hours of sitting, heading back towards his room, Magnus could only feel this inevitable feeling of impending doom. He had managed to distract himself from the Alex situation for so long and now, he was about to crumble.

It was only a matter of time.

“Magnus?” A familiar and - dare I even say- dreaded voice asked him.

Glancing through the blonde locks of hair which curtained his face, he caught a glimpse of familiar green hair which he had been avoiding.

“Huh?” He managed to mumble.

Alex frowned. “Don’t ‘huh’ me. Where have you been? I’ve been calling you all day.”

Magnus’s eyes widened- he had left his phone on silent as he didnt want to deal with others. “I-you did? Sorry.”

“That doesn't matter now. Where have you bee- actually nevermind that as well, come on, we need to get back, it’s already late and I know you have an early class tomorrow.”

Magnus hesitated.

Alex noticed. He refused to stay silent about the matter any longer.

“Okay. Spit it out. “

“What!” Magnus stammered. “ Spi- spit what? Spit wh- what out exactly?”

“The reason you’ve been avoiding me? Did I forget to do my chores or something? Or did I accidentally make some sort of mess of your stuff?”

“No- No, of course not!”

“So?”

Magnus found himself too enamoured with Alex’s features to respond. He could feel the bubble bath slowly overflowing inside his mind. What did it mean if he liked Alex? Was he now a completely different person? What did it matter if he liked Alex?

Wasn't he just like everybody else?

But Magnus’ mind told him that it was so obvious that Alex was in fact not like everybody else, otherwise why was it Alex whom he couldn’t keep his eyes off of? If Alex was so like everyone else, why was it his eyes that Magnus always wanted to stare at, why was it Alex’s hair that Magnus always wanted to ruffle or Alex’s hand that he always wanted to hold?

Why was it always Alex whom he wanted to hug when he was having a bad day?

So when he looked back at Alex, he felt the overwhelming need to throw himself and wrap his arms around Alex so tightly that Alex would have trouble breathing and then - in Magnus’s perfect world- Alex would also wrap his arms around Magnus and they would hold each other in their arms and stand their leaning on each other.

“Nothing,” Magnmus mumbled as he came back to reality.

He walked past Alex, eager to get back to their dorm and just sleep his feelings away- something he was used to doing thanks to his years of being homeless. He wasn’t about to escape when a slender hand wrapped itself around his wrist and dragged him backwards.

“No.” Alex huffed almost angrily. “You’re not running away from me,not again.”

Magnus could have sworn- looking back- that he may have let out a squeak.

“You are avoiding me Mister and I’d like to know why. It’s bad enough that you spend all your time hiding in the bathroom stalls, it’s even worse that you're doing it to avoid someone as fabulous as myself. So if we could quickly get this over with, It would be greatly appreciated and I’m sure it would relieve your nostrils as well.”

“I-”

“You…?”Alex prompted.

“Ilikeyou.”

Alex paused, scrunched up his nose before raising an eyebrow in ridicule and letting out a laugh. And while Magnus truly believed there was nothing more beautiful than Alex’s smile, right now, it was the most damning thing he had ever seen.

Of course Alex would be laughing! Who wouldn't be laughing if some weedy, shady blond kid confessed their feelings for them in the most pathetic way possible!

Magnus had no other choice but to clench his fists to resist the burning sensation gathering in his eyes as he turned on his heel and hurried back to his dorm.

He was curled up on his bed, binging criminal minds on his laptop because what else was meant to comfort you after getting rejected if it wasn’t watching people getting brutally murdered by psychopaths and sadists?

He was wrapped with this specific episode- involving a bunch of very explicit murder- when Alex snatched his headphones right off his head plopped himself in the computer chair that rested right next to the bottom bunk where Magnus had been hiding out.

He could feel himself paling as he remembered that he lived with Alex.

“We need to talk.”

What? He was so sick of Alex making every decision, afterall- it was Alex who chose to laugh at him.

“We have nothing to talk about,” Magnus managed to snap back.

“Why do you keep avoiding me? First in our own dorm, then in public and now you don't even want to look at me.”

“I’m sorry,” He retorted, his words coated with so much sarcasm, had there been anymore, he may have become Samirah at that very moment. “Was I expected to hang around after being ridiculed?”

“Ridiculed? What do you mea-”

“-What do I mean? I guess you wouldnt understand what it feels like for someone whom you really really like to outright just laugh at you after confessing. I guess you don't know how- how nerve racking and horrible it is to not feel comfortable and safe wherever you go. I guess you were privileged enough to not deal with doubting yourself with every decision you make and every thought you have!”

Alex started. “I-”

“-No. I’m not finished. Do you know how that made me feel?” Magnus was on a roll. “ Like shit. I felt shitty. I felt like shit and I was curled up like a bratty 5 year old and do you know what I’ve realised? I’ve realised that I have nob reason to feel shitty because I'm not the one who was so insecure in myself that I laughed at someone else who was struggling, esepcially when I rejected a hot piece of ass such as myself!” He finished his ramble with a shout, his chest heaving, cheeks flushed and somehow, his hair messy.

“So,” Alex drawled causally. “ Am I allowed to speak now?”

“No.”

Rolling his eyes, Alex sooke anyway. “ I’m sorry that you feel this way and I guess I can't change that I was the person who made you feel like- well, shit, but I have to say Beantown, you really shouldn't assume things so quickly.”

Magnus frowned, turning his shiny, glossy eyes towards Alex finally. “Huh?”

“Well. If you were to give me a chance to explain, I’d be able to tell you that I laughed because I thought you looked adorable. I would be able to tell you that I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings in any way and I’m very sorry if I did and…”

Alex held Magnus’ chin, pulling his head a bit down so he was able to fully look him in the eye rather than just looking away under Magnus’ chin, forcing him to look him in the eye.

“And…?” Magnus whispered hesitantly, almost afraid of the answer.

“And, I would be able to tell you that I like you.” Alex smiled dopily.

Did Magnus hear that correctly? Did Alex Fierro- the most confident, and in Magnus’s eyes, the most attractive person out there just admit to liking the scraggly kid who used to live on the streets?

“Excuse me?”

Aex sighed. “I said that I like you and your … What was it you said?” He paused for dramatic effect because lighting up his eyes. “ Oh yes and your ‘hot piece of ass’ I believe it was.”

Magnus cringed at his previous words as he started at Alex. Alex fierro liked him!

“What?” Alex smirked on noticing Magnus’s innocent stare.

“Can I try something?” Magnus tilted his head to the side innocently. Alex nodded.

Yes, please do try something, A kiss would be nice.

But to Alex’s surprise, he felt Magnus’s arms being wrapped around his body. It was an odd sensation that at first made Alex want to reel backwards.

But then this familiar ignition in his stomach tugged him back to wrap his arms back around Magnus and bury his face in Magnus’s chest, just about reaching his collarbone.

The hug was brief. Perhaps not even longer than 15 seconds at a maximum, but it was enough for Magnus to feel better.

Alex decided that perhaps next time Magnus would kiss him.

Super cool people Taglist: @wisegirl773 @ddepressedbookworm

[wisherbysharlight]

Adrenaline Rush of Admitting a Crush

Word Count: 1622 Ships:Prinxiety, mentioned Pintroverts AO3: here Thanks to @vintagesquid for the beta! Description:  Spoilers for FWSA!  Virgil can’t wait. He just can’t. He needs to do this now, but there are limits to even the adrenaline high of bravery...

Roman is right there. And he’s smiling, and dancing around the room, and squealing in a way he hadn’t in months, if not a year, and Virgil has to say something.

“Do you need to pee?”

He can’t stop shaking his hands, bouncing in place. He’s hearing Roman spouting off ideas left and right, sees his delighted expression, and,

“Are you sure you don’t need to pee?”

Virgil can’t wait. He just can’t. He needs to do this now, but there are limits to even the adrenaline high of bravery. As impatient as he is, he has to wait for Thomas to not be paying attention to them.

All this energy, all these emotions, all this bravery, he has to do it now, before he loses the adrenaline high, but of course Thomas still needs them. He still needs to run back through the entire scenario at least five times, to check and double check and triple check that it actually happened. Virgil can’t fault him for that, hell, he wants it all too.

But Roman.

Roman is right there. And he’s smiling, and dancing around the room, and squealing in a way he hadn’t in months, if not a year, and Virgil has to say something.

Finally, finally, Thomas goes upstairs to change, claiming to try to use some of his nervous energy for a run. They won’t be summoned again for a bit, most likely, and they’re safe to sink out into the mindspace’s version of the living room. No one else is around, and this is it, this is his moment, he can do this, he squares his shoulders and he looks at Roman and he opens his mouth and-

“You don’t have to say it Virgil,” Roman says before the sound can leave Virgil’s mouth, “I know. I won’t tell the others about,” he waves his hand vaguely at Virgil’s eyes, “sparkle city, or whatever, until you’re ready. I know you, worry. Heh. About the whole ‘emo nightmare’ reputation.”

Virgil’s shaking his head furiously before Roman can even get his whole sentence out, the shadows under his eyes darkening in concern, “No, Roman, they- if they don’t know already I don’t care if they do now. I’m excited, it happens, no use trying to hide it.”

Roman looks concerned at the change, taking a hesitant step towards him without seeming to think too much about it before stopping himself, “Then - then what’s up, Legion of Gloom?” “I wanted to talk to you. About today. And. And tell you that I- shit, I am terrible at this. How did Thomas do it?” Virgil grumbles, feeling his face flame up and sparing a thought to be grateful for his foundation. He has to break eye contact because looking straight at Roman is not helping, “Ok listen. I wasn’t going to say anything. I really wasn’t. But Roman, today. You said - you said a couple things that … that set off alarm bells for me, and I just - I feel like I need to tell you this so just let me get it all out before you say anything.”

Roman nods mutely, but his hands are still restless, still moving and grabbing onto each other then onto his sash then to his belt loops.

“Ok. Ok so, I’ve noticed. Recently. That you have been a little. Ugh, shit, what’s the word. I should’ve practiced this better. I’ve noticed you’ve been a little, uh, insecure? And I just wanted,  no. No I needed you to know that I see everything you do and how hard you’ve been trying. How much you want to be right. I’ve been there, Princey, and it’s not a fun place to be. But Roman. Just. Know I see you, and that ... that you can trust me to be honest with you. About my feelings. Because god knows I don’t talk about them often. And Ro? I really, honestly, care about you. Seeing you happy today? Knowing that I, me, I myself was able to do that for you? Well. It forced me to acknowledge something I’d been trying very hard to ignore.”

Roman looks absolutely shell-shocked, eyes wide as saucers, mouth hanging open a bit, hands now twisting his sash between them, face flushed almost as red as his emblem. He drops the sash when Virgil stops talking, gesturing wildly at him, voice clearly on the verge of breaking, “What is it? Don’t leave a man in suspense, Virgil, a story like that cannot be left unfinished.” Virgil huffs out a laugh, fidgeting with the zipper on his sleeve, “You would be focused on the story, dramatic ass.” He huffs again, then stares up at the ceiling, “Roman, I- If I could make you smile like that. You- God you’re just so good Roman, and for a long time I think I was denying ... that I could ever be enough. But if I could do that, today, for you, for Thomas. Well. I think I can try. To be enough. And to let myself want to be-”

Virgil’s voice dies in his throat as Roman’s thumb gently presses on his chin, tilting his head down - when had he even moved that close - and oh. He’s smiling, that brilliant smile that Virgil was worried was reserved just for Nico - “Virgil. I was also concerned. About being. Enough. For you.”

“Well that’s stupid,” Virgil bursts out, then feels his face flame up and theres no way his foundation is enough to cover that. “Because. Because.”

“Because we’re both a bit stupid?” Roman grins, and his thumb moves slightly from where it’s still on his chin, the rest of his hand cupping his cheek, and that feels really nice. Maybe Virgil leans into it a bit, feels that light tingle under his eyes that means his shadow is shifting and fights the urge to sink out and hide it, “And maybe we are both enough? Or rather, that we balance each other quite nicely?” Virgil nods, and idly wonders when he became the mute one in this conversation, and where all this suaveness had been when they were trying to woo Nico, but those thoughts fly out the window when Roman’s thumb brushes feather-light over his bottom lip, “And maybe? We could try to explore how well we work together? As a team, and as more?”

Virgil knows he’s gone full-lavender at this point as he nods, careful not to dislodge Roman’s thumb. He leans in, feeling even braver than when he had shoved Thomas earlier, bolstered even more by the urge to assuage the doubt still hiding in Roman’s eyes, but still slow in case he’s wrong (oh god, what if he’s wrong), but Roman surges forward, capturing his lips and holding onto his face with both hands. Virgil even doesn’t know what to do with his own hands, he’s so happy he can’t possibly keep them still, so he just holds onto Roman’s shoulders, then his arms, then his hair (oh soft hair that’s a good place to stay), and lets Roman take the lead. 

Virgil notices a moment later that Roman’s humming, and it doesn’t feel intentional, which makes him grin into the kiss and causes Roman to start laughing, and then they’re both off. They’re leaning into each other still, but Virgil’s hands are flapping on either side of Roman and Roman’s bouncing on the balls of his feet and neither of them can stop giggling long enough to even say anything. They just exist in each others’ spaces, giggling just like before, only this time Virgil can smell the mint from Roman’s breath, can see the sparkle in his eye, and it makes him feel like he can take on the world. 

Eventually, Roman quiets enough to speak, though he’s still grinning like a loon, “So, I guess I have to start thinking of fun pet names instead of just plain nicknames, huh Hot Topic?” “I knew you thought I was hot,” Virgil croons back without missing a beat, feeling less off kilter with his trademark smirk, though he knows his shadow still betrays the levity in his entire being.

Roman leans in to kiss him again, and their laughter returns when Virgil is caught off guard enough by Roman nipping at his lip that he stumbles. ‘You’re supposed to be alert, Virgil. Get back on your game.’ the nasty voice that sounds a lot like his own from the past hisses in his ear, but is drowned out quickly when Roman swoons dramatically and coos, “Oh Virgil I knew you’d fall for me eventually.”

“I’ll show you falling,” Virgil growls playfully, pushes Roman to the couch and straddles him, getting his hands back in that soft hair and pulling him up for another kiss, then another, and another, each only to be interrupted when one of them gets so overwhelmed they squirm, or squeak, or hum, or flap, and they dissolve into laughter again, like they have all the time in the world.

At some point, they’ll have to debrief the other sides on the particulars of what went down at the mall food court today. They’ll discuss Janus being overworked and exhausted and in everyone else’s business, and address Patton’s suspicious absence in a matter of the heart, and assist Logan with his inevitable sulking about yet another emotional connection to maintain, and deal with Remus’ certainly ever-growing list of new material featuring that new connection. 

Eventually, they, Roman and Virgil, would have to address their insecurities in a less indirect manner, and actually talk through them to make sure neither one was rushing in blind. It all needed to happen, but later. For now, with just the two of them here on the couch, Virgil couldn’t bring himself to fear any of it, even though it was all residing in the back of his mind. 

Bravery. Huh. He could get used to that.

[windsweptlassie]

On Love

So as you know I made this uquiz with an open-ended question at the end, tell me something about love, and I’ve gotten the most wonderful responses! They range from descriptions of wonderful partners: 

Lauren: oh, how long I went without being myself until I met him and he showed me who I truly was and that my worth was higher than I ever thought was possible

Levi: I love who we are with each other. I love who I am with you. In your company I am me. In your company I am the best of me. The best with the best, I've told you. I wouldn't give you up for anything

Daniel: i fell in love for the first time when i was 17... at the time, i didn’t realize it was the first time, i thought i’d been in love before, a couple times actually, but falling in love at 17 was such a fulfilling experience, it felt so forceful yet so right. it’s when i first truly understood what love was. never before had i felt so understood and so cared for as i did when i was in love with her, and she was in love with me. it’s been nearly 4 years since then, and nearly 3 years since we broke up and stopped talking, and still, i think about her almost every day. i’ve never known anyone like her; to me, she was love itself.

El: oh i’m in love with everyone that i know op!!! especially my girlfriend, of course ,but also my friends and my family and random people on the street and uh

Grace: i’ve met my soulmate and we plan on getting an apartment and marrying after college

A: I’m going to ask the woman I love to marry me and I just wanted to tell someone because I am so excited

Jeremy: you ever have that feeling where basically after years of denying that someone couldnt understand you in a way or love you and then the next thing you know you happen to find that person and its just great from then on out? idk how to explain it anyways I love my boyfriend so much he means the world to me

Lucy: i am so happy i have found the one i love

to descriptions of best friends and favorite people:

Nightbyrd: Love is a hug from an alzheimer's patient who hasn't the foggiest idea who you are, but they know you're worth hugging.

H: I have been doing so much yoga with my roommate recently!! It's a great way to center my mind for an hour

Riv: [platonic] i’ve literally never met anyone who understands me in the way that my best friends do. they’re literally the best people in the whole world and i genuinely don’t know what i’d do without them. i love them with my whole heart

Cillian: when i talk about how much i love my best friend i get so teary eyed because i cant believe that such a genuinely wonderful person wants to speak to me every day - i care for her more than anyone else on this planet

O: my two besties are my sources of happiness and they’re so pretty i would die for them :D

to beautiful quotes:

Kai: "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." DARCYYYY PLS MY HEART CANT HANDLW THIS PAIN

Dorian: When the plane went down in San Francisco, I thought of my friend M. He’s obsessed with plane crashes. He memorizes the wrecked metal details, ____the clear cool skies cut by black scars of smoke. Once, while driving, he told me about all the crashes: The one in blue Kentucky, in yellow Iowa. How people go on, and how people don’t. It was almost a year before I learned that his brother was a pilot. I can’t help it, I love the way men love. (accident report in the tall, tall weeds- ada limon, bright dead things)

Adam: every day I think about lemony snicket I will love you if I never see you again I will love you if I see you every Tuesday or however it goes. and it KILLS ME. love only fits in small things

Hero: “Your heart beats in my ribs and mine in yours, and both in God’s… The divine magnet is in you, and my magnet responds.” - Herman Melville to Nathaniel Hawthorne

Mary: "Love is watching someone die."

Alex: "meet me at blue diner, i'll take coffee and talk about nothing baby"

Sparrow: "How dare you love me like you've never known fear?" and "For you, the world," and "Darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades," and "Will you start where I end?"

V: " You want to die for love. You always have. " and "someone will remember us, I say, even in another time" are living rent free in my mind 24/7 and I'm shaking. When will I finally be not the only one falling ?

Sahar K: To love another person is to see the face of god!!!

Miriam: all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding- kafka

Juls: Don’t you think they are maybe the same? Love and attention

to practices of love:

Leo; i love feeling happy bc somebody that i love is happy and comfortable....like its not about me i just love seeing you smile. we are safe together...idk i just feel it bro

A: I like to think love is leaning on each other during the light or dark days. Its a personal mission of mine to find out who I am and what I want. Yet I never seem to find my place in this world and as I look and look , I realise the only place I can be myself even with or without the efforts to find myself was done on that day or not, I am always tired so shall I lean on you? And you can lean on me as well. I shall be your fig tree and you shall be my favourite willow tree.

L: It's too late at night to be soul searching, but it's a journey we all seem to find ourselves on these days.

Anthi: feeling safe and at home, I guess (also I love frogs)

Julia: ive found that loving someone is like becoming your own thesaurus. you have to find or come up with infinite ways to say, you’re beautiful, or, i love you. it’s a gift

Galexies: ive been writing letters to the person i'd love one day since i was 14. i write them in a little journal usually, but i've been digitizing them into emails and sending them to one account that i'll give to them someday. i'd like to put pictures, but i haven't been outside much recently so theres that. i wonder if they'd like the sunsets i have on file, or if they'd find my cat cute in a bowtie.

Caeles: Love is sharing fruit slices and making someone tea at random

Dundy: Love is sending your friends cursed shit and watching them react in horror

to crushes and potential loves: 

Jess: I have a crush on my roommate. It sucks, but it's also wonderful. I get to be around him all the time when we're at school. we share a life together; it's rather domestic. I think a lot about marrying him and being domestic with him forever. It won't happen, and I'll move on eventually, but I'll be happy with him for as long as I can. I hope you feel loved tonight, because you are. Sleep well.

Aki: I so desperately want to believe that love is fake because I’ve seen what happens when loved ones leave but whenever I start to convince myself that I’ll never love anyone my best friend messages me telling me she loves me. She’s the only person I’ve ever pictured having a future with but love scares me and I don’t really know what to do but I think as long as she’s with me in some way, I’ll be fine

Hi: her her i keep thinking abt her.... gonna see her in 8 days or so i really miss her. its ok if shes never gonna love me like i want her to really being her friend spending time with her makes me the happiest girl on earth.... outsold antidepressants

Kit: this guy i have a crush on has hypnotically dark brown eyes and he's wonderful and shows me kindness like no one else

Juno: my crush has all the stars in his eyes

Mads: When I have the courage to meet my eyes with hers, the world stands still

Be Nice To Me: Look bro I never do these but I am yearning to hold them SO badly right now and someone needs to know it besides me

to the trials of love: 

Pppppp: I just wanna love like from the movies and what I read about.. but everyone tells me that that’s fictional and rare to find in the real world and it sucks bc it seems like all the guys I’ve met are terrible and the norms of society are all about not respecting women and uthdjdjdk

Manny: I have been in love before and I will be again but I’m not now and I miss it

Ok: I don't think I've ever been in love, though I love many people. I am waiting for the day I look at someone and can say, YES. IT'S YOU.

Chloe: idk rn i'm like okay with my love and i'm happy so we'll see i'm just a little cautious rn bc my last partner told me i didn't know how to love

L: love is so fucking complicated I don't even know where to start

Corrin: He’s not real and it worried me that I will never allow myself to live or be loved because I will always be waiting for him

Sean: Good luck it dont exist

Serena: i want 2 b in love :(( </3

13: I don’t know anymore

M: I just really don’t like dealing with it lol

to beloved characters: 

Janaya: I’m madly in love with my comfort and kin character and I hope maybe in the afterlife I can relive a life with him in some sort of dimension

Jhgjdf: when i was a kid i had a crush on ash ketchum from pokemon and id always daydream about being a female pkmn trainer and meeting him and we fall in love

to advice and prose: 

Mikolai: Love is earth, gentle and soft at first flight but upon being broken, drowns you in the dry choking wastes of its consequences...

Thex: Your hands will not go cold without someone to hold them. I am here. I will be here.

Kat: it is the nearest proof to god that i find myself surrounded by people who love in a way that complements so wonderfully the way i love

H: believe in love out of spite believe in love to prove everyone wrong believe in love because you were told not to and we will not do what we’re told anymore believe in love because it’s the strongest act of teenage rebellion we have left believe in love because it’s easier not to and when is easy worth doing? believe in love because everything says otherwise but you are untouchable, you are your own, you are not made by their design believe in love because, perhaps, you are love

Ali: I used to want a kind of love that feels like coming home and now I want nothing more than to be away from home on many different adventures

Em: you dont need to love yourself to accept it from others

to the small, the simple, and the sweet:

Ireal: Poems

O: Flowers

Fay: ah im sorry that i’m feeling unmotivated but you are very kind.

Ad: we love LOVE

A: <3

Isak: small things

H: intense

Hey: Listening to a clock ticking away

S: her

E: <3

Hania: Amorous, I adore that word ^^

Catboy: wholesome

J: i love love so much it hurts

Emmy: hi i love the song darkest of discos!! try and give it a listen!! <3

Nora: Love is painful, but most of the time love is great

Ariel: i like the comfort it can bring

M: i love love

to food!

Cool Whip: Matzoh ball soup!!

Woop: I love sausages.... I hope that's ok with you?

and animals too <3

Nee: hmm i have pet geckos and i love them very much!

96: raccoons ????

DJ Big Penis: cats

:3: I Love frogs,,, love is stored in the frog,,,

I hope that this serves as a sweet compilation of what love means! Love to all of you, it warms my heart so much to hear about your people and your geckos and your characters and soup and all the songs and quotes you love. <3 Strength to all of you who are figuring out to do about your feelings for your crush, and congratulations to you who are proposing or moving in with your person! Your words are a source of light to me, truly.

[lokislittlesigyn]

//personal post. tw for mental health, ptsd, depression, self harm, vague suicide mention

today had its ups and downs.

the morning was good. i just had trouble making my brain work. that’s common nowadays.

the afternoon was okay. it started out good - i was just very tired, and in a lot of pain. but i made it to the regularly-scheduled video game club meeting and watched a friend play hades while i ate cookies. that was nice.

roamed about and talked to people, eventually settling near two people i know pretty well - we’re casual friends

and one of them

made a joke at me

about me

referencing iw

and saying the primary antagonist’s name to me

i froze up and forced a smile. “Right.” i said

a moment later i excused myself

i needed to get away to recompose myself

i could feel my resolve breaking - though i admit, it wasnt terribly durable to begin with.

my friend (who had played hades) noticed me walking out, and jokingly tried to block the way. but i wasnt playing along. just saying “no, not now..” quietly, under my breath. he noticed. he asked if i was okay.

“no.”

so he went with me to the closet, theres a storage closet off the main room, where they stack chairs

its a dark space, but theres no door so its a good place to sit if you get overwhelmed

i confess ive hidden behind a stack of chairs more than once.

but this time i sat down, and tried to calm and

i couldnt hold it back anymore.

i broke.

cried on the floor again, whining and whimpering and mewling again

shaking, my heart felt like it was going to burst

i dont know how long we were there but he stayed by me, and held my hand, and told me over and over that it was going to be okay, i wasnt alone, hes not going to let anyone hurt me

my mind honestly went blank

it kept trying to leap back to that day but i had to pull it back, so blank it went, utterly devoid of thought - im good at not thinking about anything.

after lying down a while, slowly sitting up to drink, and eventually getting back upright and spending time around people, my body went cold and wanted to sleep

the night continued on with more difficult things - though none so dramatic - and im left now at nearly 4am stuck with homework/assignments still to do, fear and dread deep in my heart because i am so so so afraid i wont be able to sleep because of nightmares

im so thoroughly upset

i wasnt sure i wanted to try to make it to tomorrow.

and when i showered i saw the razor and the flame of my candle and.. they stuck in my head. but i didnt do it. i didnt cave.

theres a concept in dialectical behavioral therapy called opposite action. you do the opposite of what your impulse says.

so instead of hurting myself, i got a shower, and i used a lavender scrub, which makes my skin feel good and smells very soothing.

i think im proud of that.

but im so tired.

i hate to work on assignments during the weekend but i fear i have to. next week is going to be so hard.

i just want to curl up in lokis arms and never move again. please. i just want to be held. the world is too much, life is too much, i cant get a break - everything safe isnt anymore. i am exhausted. i miss him.

i’m going to bed. being awake seems a waste.

[libertarianblue]

Hi. Sorry, I don’t exactly know how to word this, but do you support capitalism? And think it’s a fair system? I know that someone like Jeff Bezos isnt benefiting from a « loophole » in the system, he just understood how to be successful and worked in order to get there, but I do feel a system that allows such enormous wage gaps (for example between Bezos and some of his employees, even some that arent at the bottom of the chain), is quite dysfunctional. Also, capitalism seems to accelerate climate change and the drying up of our ressources more than other systems based less on constant expansion/economic growth.

If you think we should transition to another system, what do you think its should be ? It seems that theres nothing that guarantees enough personal freedoms while not enforcing austere restrictions resuired to make another more communalized or ecological system work.

No worries about the wording, I got what you meant. I think I'll start with Bezos and then address the rest of the first paragraph all at once. Hopefully this makes sense since I fell asleep halfway through writing this. I also hope that doesn't mean I'm going to be up all night now.

Gonna put this behind a cut since in classic overtired Blue fashion I went on a lot longer than I realized, but I hope it's a comprehensive enough answer. Thanks for the question, anon!

I hesitate to think of Bezos types as capitalism played straight, given how much of their fortunes come from exploiting their ties to the government in order to manipulate market forces to be more favorable to them. I'm not going to get into capitalism vs. corporatism or anything like that here, I just thought it's worth pointing out that Amazon wouldn't be the juggernaut it is without the state propping it up as a near monopoly.

As for the other points, I do support capitalism, yes. I don't think of myself as full ancap (really I think any ideology that starts with "An" won't survive an encounter with reality), but I wish we'd take several large steps towards the capitalist side of economics in the US. At least let us undo some of the slide into things like corporatism or government mandated price fixing etc. As for if it's fair and contributes to wealth inequality, I feel like that might not be the best way of looking at it. Assume you have Jon, who is charismatic and clever, and you have Rob, who is illiterate and has a learning disability. Jon is going to do much better under capitalism than Rob is, and he's going to end up with more wealth and more stuff. But he's not getting that stuff by taking things away from Rob, and indeed capitalism will actually lift up both parties, even if it's to differing degrees.

To the point about climate change and resource use I'm not sure how much of that is the fault of capitalism. A lot of this can probably be resolved by undoing some of the terrible trade deals we've been signing for decades that have incentivized overseas manufacturing to the point where it's almost considered unusual to keep the operation state side. This would also help a lot of the people that have been struggling to find steady, meaningful work that pays a wage that breaks them out of the hand-to-mouth cycle.

As an aside, I will say I wish companies would cool it with planned obsolescence since that is an area where they're definitely wasteful on purpose for the sake of a cash grab. I would rather move back toward expensive but more rugged products, but to get there we'd have to convince the market to accept the up front cost and that might be a hard sell. A lot of people are too eager to pick up the $5 gadget instead of the $10 one without considering the $5 one will be broken within a couple months.

I'm not sure we should transition to a different economic model and it's for exactly the reasons you said. Believe it or not I'm not that big on the economic side of this, the main reason I support capitalism is because it's the most compatible with maximizing freedom, which is my actual concern. I enjoy the style of living that comes with capitalism, and I seem to do alright for myself under this system, but those are secondary benefits.

If I was going to suggest an alternate model, it would probably go beyond economics. I'd probably suggest most people move into much smaller communities than the urban sprawl so many live in now, and effectively live as tight knit communes or small tribes. I don't think I'd offer this up as a real suggestion, though. I just get romantic ideas about how homesteading or insular small town life would be when things start getting hectic. And I don't think that's driven by ideology so much as romanticizing things like Harvest Moon, and because it's been too long since I let myself go on vacation. Maybe I should book a cruise whenever those become a thing again.