apocalyptic-morals

[apocalyptic-morals]

A ramble of my life-

I simply need to get this out in some way.

There are very few people in my life who would accept me 100% for who i truly am. but to be honest i find myself asking, why does it even matter? what does their acceptance do for me? i am fake- i am a mirror reflecting what i think other people want, and therefore to them that is who i am. i am who they think i am to them, a small fragment of their life story in their head. this is the first time i am being honest to anyone other than myself. i simply lack empathy for most people. im not stupid, im not socially inept. i know what reactions matter to what topics, i know when to act sensitive, when to seem warm and open. i know how to make myself cry at funerals, i know when to laugh at peoples jokes. i know when i should seem to care.

alas, i am not completely emotionally empty. the only emotionally bonding experience i am able to have is with animals, such as cats, dogs, birds, anything. i have absolutely no clue why this is the way it is for me. i have bear witness to many morbid obscurities, as a matter of fact i am pursuing forensics since blood and g*re doesnt bother me. however, the first time i felt any tears on my face in many years was actually recently, when i put my dog down. i cant remember the last time i felt happiness.

i truly wish i wasnt this way. in the same way people try NOT to care about things, ive done all i can to force myself to care. im not even considered a loner- i initiate social interactions all the time. i have a partner, a family, friends. i feign these interactions because it seems like it should be normal- if i didnt, my family would be worried, and would try and seek me help. this honestly seems like a hassle over something that cannot be tamed, out of convenience i am a mirror to their views on me. to everyone i am me, to me i am no one. i was raised to care about the people around me, i was raised to be kind and loving, to be normal and so as to keep up this façade, i do everything i can to live up to their expectations.

at the same time, i know its not normal to not react to things properly. if i had it my way, id be a hermit. very few things make me feel happiness, very few things make me feel sadness. very few things bring emotion out of me. this lack of emotions would make me seem like an asshole in many settings. for example, at work, someone who had a dairy allergy received cheese on their sandwich. even though i knew and understood the severity of the situation, i just simply couldn't care. in my head, i made the situation right for me, out of my own convenience. i could even go so far as to say had that lady taken a bite and something terrible happened, i still wouldn't care. any tragedy in my life that has occurred regarding people, i just don't feel anything about. im j hollow all the time.

my partner and mines bond is the closest to a genuine bond ill ever have with a human- its because they are kind enough to try and figure me out. they are the only person to make me want to continue life, and thats good enough for me to keep trying for them. however, i have absolutely no clue what love is. i don't think my partner would want to stay with someone like me for very long when they have so much affection to give, so theres no point in searching for answers. if they stay, they stay. if they go, good for them. they are the only person ive discussed this with. i dont know if they want to fix me, or what they want, but for now i don't mind their presence. living with them is convenient anyways, to say the least.

to put an end to this rambling, theres only one more thing id like to mention. whether or not theres a reason why i am the way i am, it doesnt matter. i am who i always have been, and i cant change. someone i do look up to is the character from dexter, dexter morgan. other than the fact i have 0 interest in pursuing homicide as a hobby, hes someone i see myself in in a sense where his sense of self is very similar to my own views. he fakes it till he makes it, and goes after his motives and goals (even though theyre completely different from my own). i look up to him because he eventually is able to form somewhat genuine relationships with others, and throughout the series you see a plethora of emotions shine through him. i simply hope i can do the same.