#sid thought

[carpehistoryandthepens]

Legacy (what is a legacy?) Part eighteen

It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see I wrote some notes at the beginning of a song someone will sing for me

Hamilton, the world was wide enough. LMM.

one, two, three, four, Five, six seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen

Summary: Mike is 13. Born May 2009. Sid didn’t know he had a son. All Mike had was hope and a prayer for his and his half-sister’s safety.

(Sid is a dad of a teen he didn’t know about AU) Sidgeno.

Warnings: (for the total story) post-child abuse (all off-screen but it affects things and is spoken about often), learning how to parent, panic attacks, anxiety, based on the 22-23 season, that said last season when i wrote these tags originally, but hey, it takes me a LONG time to write, so now its no longer last season, OCs?, the realization about sexuality. Post breakups. Desperate lack of in-depth research for CPS in both PA/CA, melodrama?, kidfic, angst, slowburn, playing fast and loose with the law for drama/storytelling purposes.

-

Sid was not paying much attention to the conversation that PO and Kappy were having with several other guys about Instagram and TikTok trends. He was too busy getting changed for one of the last media events they had to do before the start of the season. Everyone was yelling around the locker room and chirping about whether or not someone had seen the latest meme.

Once they had all finished with Jen's team, he could finally be free to get to the ice for one of the last practices of the preseason and skate some of the nervous energy away. Sid tuned them out with ease of long practice, the background noise of the team helping to settle. He had other things on his mind, making him twitchy.

The feeling of his chest pads settling down was calming but not enough. The routine of getting his gear on was second nature and allowed Sid's mind to wander - which was not helping the whole nervous energy thing. He needed to get on the ice. He needed to think.

Mike and Marisol were up in one of the offices with a balcony overlooking the rink, waiting to watch practice. Mike had asked to use Sid's home gym after they left the practice. It was the first time Mike had asked for anything personal, and Sid would do his best to make sure Mike was accommodated.

(Asking not to be sent away just after a panic attack didn't count as asking for something personal. Mike was scared then, but when asked that morning, he didn't look afraid or unsure. He looked determined; Mike looked like Sid did when he was about to take a face-off.  

Geno and Sid had exchanged a surprised and pleased look at the question. The question was unexpected, but this was something they wanted to encourage. Geno gave Sid a nod to go ahead. Sid trusted Geno's parenting skills.)

At first, Mike asked to use the gym at the rink, but Geno had spoken up. He pointed out that Marisol and the equipment at the official team gym would not be a good mix. Mike had paled and asked if they could use the home gym. There had been no question if Marisol would be at the gym, too. (He also needed to remember to bring some of her toys into the gym; he didn't want Marisol climbing on the equipment.) Working at the home gym was better anyway; if Mike was serious about hockey (and with how he skated a few days ago, he was), then he would need some off-ice training, and Sid needed to better understand what skills Mike already had.  

So, Sid had made the arragmenets to do his second, lighter workout of the day in his home gym with Mike. Geno bowed out, saying that Nikita had a meeting with his new soccer team; something about paperwork and sign-ups.  

Then maybe once Geno and Nikita go home, they would watch a movie with Marisol – a Spanish one? Sid would have to ask Mike.

Loud laughter brought Sid out of his reprieve.  Most of the team filed out to the various locker rooms and offices they had been directed to. Sid took his seat in a hallway, waiting for his turn before his attention was captured by PO. The guys clapped as PO demonstrated a complicated dance, apparently for a TikTok. Kappy and Pety joined him, causing a large amount of chirping from the rest of the team.  

Sid pieced together that PO and Kappy were planning out when they could teach a dance together. Sid had a vague impression that it was for the Pen's TikTok, but it might have been for PO's own. Sid managed to avoid being dragged into the planning session by the skin of his teeth. Jen's new social media manager was hovering and taking photos on his phone. The kid (and God, he looked like a kid. When did this happen?!) had a glint in his eyes that sid was wary of. He had to avoid whatever the kid's brilliant idea was going to be - Sid had enough of the social media from NHL media days.

Sid missed most social media by keeping a very low profile on Instagram – or a nonexistent one like TikTok. Jen's team kept his official name and handles underlock, but he never wanted to deal with it. Sid was thankful the organization let him; it seemed more trouble than it was worth. Still, Kappy and PO reminded him it had been some time since he checked Instagram.

Ignoring the social media manager and avoiding the guys trying to get him to dance with ease of long practice, Sid scrolled through Instagram and liked a few things from his teammates and family.

Just as he was about to put his phone away, Sid found one of the fitness accounts he followed. The couple who ran it were very fit and were extremely fond of doing cute couple exercises. She was a former gymnast, and he was one of the guys who showed up on American Ninja Warrior often. He and Kathy had done a few for themselves a few times. They found the couple exercises didn't fit them very well and led to a few joking but not joking arguments. While the couple exercises didn't work out for Sid and Kathy, sid liked them because they always seemed to have fun together. Also, she was hot, and they both demonstrated which muscles were used in workouts. The guy was quite fit himself.

Zucks flung himself into the seat next to Sid, jolting Sid from the video of the guy doing pull-ups shirtless in their latest video. He caught a glimpse of the video and raised an eyebrow at Sid. "Thirst trap, Sid?"

Sid blinked at him. Of course, most of the team in the hallway heard and immediately, like sharks with blood in the water, surrounded them, trying to see what was on Sid's phone. Sid kept a straight face with only long practice of weird press questions and dealing with locker room chirping.

Before Sid could even protest that it wasn't a thirst trap – not that he would; that way led to bad chirping, not fun chirping – Kappy leaned over and whistled. "That is one hell of a trap."

Even Geno - who was across the hallway at a different station - leaned over to see Sid's screen at that.

Ok. So, Sid realized he may have been admiring what was apparently a thirst trap, thinking it was a demonstration. A man's thirst trap. Rule one of surviving in a locker room: Never admit to embarrassing mistakes. Plead ignorance instead.

Sid raised an eyebrow. "Thirst trap on Instagram? I thought that was more of a TikTok thing." That got Sid some good chirping.

Frieds immediately shot back, "How would you know? Your phone can't even handle TikTok. It has a home button!"

Doc talked over him, calling Sid a grandpa. Dumo said that his grandpa had a newer phone and that maybe his kids could show Sid how to use TikTok.

Sid took the chirping with a grin; He loved his team.

Kappy grinned from across the hallway, completely forgetting the content of the video. "Sid, you would do a good thirst trap."  

Sid laughed as Reeser said, "Do you want to break the internet? That's how you break the internet. Did you even see the reaction on Twitter after that one ITR last year? When Sid was working out?"

Kappy howled with laughter, "The closest Sid would ever get to a thirst trap: Exercise videos."

Geno did the muttering under his breath, but entirely meant to be heard, which he did when he thought he was being clever. "Kappy, you seen Sid's ass? That alone break internet. Bring gown men to tears."

Sid did his best to not blush. He hadn't seen the video in the question's comments. But something in his was, as always, pleased that he would make that large of an impact on men watching Pens' videos.

Pleased?

While the team collapsed with more laughter and Jen's social team started to herd them into making their way to their assigned rooms before practice, Sid quickly realized a few things.

He… might have been watching the fitness reels for both men and women.

Sid ... may have known the videos were thirst traps.

Sid may not have been admiring the skills on display or control. He… might have been watching that one-boy cake trend from a few months ago more than just the friend's filmed reactions. Most straight men probably didn't have to ignore things in the locker room.

…. There might be some explanation for his teen years in locker rooms. Having to keep his eyes to himself consciously was a thing.

He might have been watching the videos as thirst traps.

Suddenly, a lot of things started to make sense. The ANW guy was hot. Sid watched the video as it replayed on his phone. With a blank shock, Sid realized that the workout videos he watched while strolling through reels weren't guys showing off their form.

They were showing something else off entirely. And Sid... enjoyed it. Like. alot.

How... did he miss this?

Sid was pretty sure he spent all of the next two hours in a daze. He walked through the motions as the PR team ensured his last photo shoots were good and definitely was still in space at the start of practice.  

He might not be as straight as previously thought. It's good that even if distracted, he could go hard in practice because he needed to keep his body moving as he put his thoughts in order.

Sid mentally gave himself a shake.

Once everyone was on the ice, Sully outlined the drills they were going over. Everyone broke into the lines posted in the locker room. The drills were something Sid'd done before, but that only would allow his mind to wander even more.

Since he was a teen, Sid ignored some things about himself that were coming unraveled rather quickly.

Some thoughts he had as a teen started to make sense.

Some thoughts he had last week started to make sense.

His experiences with porn started to make far more sense.

And that one threesome - which had nearly been a foursome, but the girl's (really hot guy) friend chickened out - started to make more sense. That was why Sid was disappointed about the whole thing. It was not just because pictures nearly leaked out.

He's in his thirties, for fucks sake. Why is Sid having a sexuality realization in his thirties?! Not when he was younger? He spent a lot of time in locker rooms, for goodness' sake! Wasn't this something that people kinda knew from a much younger age?

He spent a lot of time with teammates like Jack and Army. And God knows with some of the guys from Rimouski and before then….

…. Jack.

A hundred images ran through Sid's head all at once. He had a crush on Jack. As a teen.

HOW THE FUCK DID HE MISS THAT.

Sid whiffed on a puck shot to him by Rusty instead of trying to get past Jars, much to the jeers of the rest of the team watching.

That's embarrassing. And Sid wasn't talking about the missed shot.

A thousand new images and memories came through like a freight train in Sid's head.

ARMY.

Oh fuck. Army.

Sid had been leaning on his stick, waiting for his line's next run for the drill, and only by years of long practice did he not lose balance over his surprise.

Geno definitely saw, though, and sent Sid a questioning look and nearly skated over. Sid waved a hand to wave him off, laughing at himself. Geno grinned but refocused on the practice, which made Sid happy. Even distracted, Making Geno smile and not worry was the best.

The wrestling, the rooming together, the long practices—Sid was rapidly realizing that he may have been flirting as much as practicing. With Army. The straightest man Sid knew. Sid thinks. Sid would have said that about himself just this morning.  

Oh god, that's more embarrassing than Jack.

A hundred more moments in time paraded in Sid's mind that, when they happened, Sid had thought they were just guys being guys! Sid now recognized as having Massive Crushes (TM) on so many people.

Sid line launched forward, and this time, Jake sent him a puck as planned.

Oh god, oh fuck.

His type of guy is a hockey player. What the fuck.

Sid punctured the thought with a hard slapshot that whizzed past Jarry's ear. Jarry's loud "Goddamn fucker!" echoed Sid's own thought. 

-

Geno thankfully waited until they had left the rink and were outside Sid's car before cornering him.

By the end of practice, the team was no longer laughing and instead had been giving some concerning stares in Sid's direction. Sid had missed a few more shots than he usually would. (or a lot more shots. And what he did hit was a bit more serious than expected. Jarry was sending him some very wounded looks by the end of the practice.)

Geno had been giving him worried looks.

They had made plans to ride back to Sid's house together before Nikita would get home. Mike and Marisol were with Helena, going to a therapist she had gotten for them.

"Are you ok, Sid? You were distracted all practice," Geno asked in Russian, getting into the passage side. He would drive them to practice tomorrow. But today, it was Sid's turn. Figuring out logistics was much more complex with kids in tow than before – but Sid didn't mind.

Sid chewed on his thoughts as they got situated and started out of the parking lot, trying to figure out where to start. He blurted the first thought that came to his head rather than any of the others swirling around his mind.

"When you have a crush on people, does it feel different when it's not a woman?" Sid will deny to the day he dies that he didn't breathe for the whole question. He breathed. It was just. Small. He asked in English because he had no idea the word for "crush" was in Russian.

Geno blinked at him from the passenger seat, surprised. But he answered slowly, taking Sid's question seriously. "For me, yes, women hot rush – all at once, men more soft falling. But both just as intense. Kinda hard to explain. Like both feelings a lot. It is very fun. Anna says not different feeling for her."

Sid kept his eyes on the road. "Oh."

"Why?"

"Figuring something out," he said before taking a deep breath, and because it was GENO, explained.

It may have taken the whole drive for Sid to fully explain – mostly because he kept on stumbling and rambling rather than getting to the point but also because he was explaining in both Russian and English, and this was a test of his Russian vocabulary even after nearly fifteen years of near fluency – but by the time they pulled up into Sid's driveway, Sid had more or less come out to one of his closest friends. Nearly three hours later, he realized it himself.

Geno was laughing as he stepped out of the car. "Yes, Sid. that crush." He said between breaths.  "You think it was just friendship?"

"OH," Sid said, trying to keep his face from giving everything away; he was enjoying Geno's levity. He played along, asking, "So, most guys don't have issues in locker rooms?"

Geno burst out laughing again. "No, most don't feel much around the locker room. Not embarrassed with other men, just of themselves." They got into the house, and Sid was glad they were alone, even with how strange the house sounded without the kids running around.

Sid suddenly remembered sitting in locker rooms as a teen, keeping his eyes to himself. Before he got over it, he was embarrassed about his body – he'd always been weirdly shaped, but that wasn't the only reason he was looking at the floor. Sid wanted to look at the other guys in the room. He thought everyone had these urges and just ignored them. "Oh." He said, looking down. He felt kind of stupid for not realizing this sooner.

Geno wrapped an arm around Sid's shoulders, "It's ok! Many people do not know until later."

When Sid gave him a skeptical look, Geno beamed at him, "Not many people like me and know from boyhood. It's not often people are as in touch with themselves as I am!"

"Ok, Geno. Tit for tat! Tell me your realization then!" Sid demanded, mainly to see if Geno would tell him. That was one story Sid had never found out.

The deep red flush that spread across Geno's face as he dropped his arm from around Sid's shoulders said clearly that it was a story Sid had to know. It also declared that it was a story that Geno would do his best never to tell Sid.

Sid was pretty sure he would win this battle.

[meltedmush]

SQQ having a matching raincoat with his skinzun?

[comatomato]

*Plays the dutch anthem* 🇳🇱

Inspired by this video of the redbull shoot and the crappy screenshots that i took from it:

Anyway, I’m obsessed and will likely do a prince of monaco version for Charles in the near future.

[thevacillator]

[childofburningtime01]

I don’t even know what to say this time. 3 years. It’s been 3 years without him. And yet, it feels like yesterday. Thank you, Joey. For all you’ve done and put out in the world. For all you’ve done to modern metal. You may be gone, But your legend lives on in all of us.🖤❤️

[lostl1sbons1ster]

me n him without the murder n abuse bit

[violent138]

Bruce is just hanging out at Clark's place, and watches Clark as the alien busily fixes his sink. Bruce has definitely slept rough, travelled all over the place with minimal resources and trained in some of the worst conditions, but he's never had to do any of this.

Simple things like maintaining a flat, paying rent, arguing with a landlord, buying groceries, decorating a house, these aren't really a part of his life at all. When he catches Bruce staring, Clark defensively declares he likes making the repairs himself, and Bruce replies that he's just fascinated by all the components that make up Clark's life.

[unknownn-girl]

is somebody gonna match my freak? (dress up as sid & nancy for halloween)

[dissvicious]

🤞 Need a little extra money this month. Opening a few commissions slots on Koffi! first come first served

[lavampira]

a moment's respite

[pinkypyrexred]

this is now my job

[tedzyrotten]

sulfur jumpscare

[hidingoutbackstage]

Cuz seriously why are people centering themselves when talking about this documentary?

[5051704xoxo]

Oh to be a rockstar’s girl ๋࣭ ⭑⚝

[capsfriendly]

with the caps at home vs the panthers tonight, i wanted to come on here and say a couple things about the panthers’ visit to the white house.

i’ve seen some people on here and on twitter pointing out the hypocrisy of certain players who have vocally supported diversity initiatives in hockey turning around and doing a photo op with a man who is nakedly trying to strip marginalized people of their rights. the sense of betrayal those fans are feeling is completely justified. despite appearances, conservative politics are incredibly popular among nhl players. i’m not writing to defend any of these men (my views lean pretty far left), but to share my understanding of the ways north american hockey as an institution perpetuates conservatism.

1) barrier of entry

ice hockey requires a lot of equipment to play. to be able to put a child through the decade or more of club dues and equipment fees required to begin seeing returns on investment—in men’s hockey, this begins with stipend pay at the major junior level in north america—requires an amount of money that many families simply cannot pay (though there are a bevy of charities trying to combat this). sports like soccer and basketball, which require comparably little equipment, are far more popular among both players of color and players from low-income families, especially in countries where hockey isn’t a national pastime.

because of this economic disparity between those who can play hockey and those who can’t, locker rooms can turn into eco chambers of privilege.

2) lack of higher education

i’m not sure of the data for other countries, but in the united states, there is a high positive correlation between holding a college degree and voting for democratic candidates. north american players are drafted to the nhl from major junior and collegiate teams, and entrance to professional leagues cuts their education short.

nhl players drafted from collegiate teams often enter the league without completing a bachelor’s degree, getting a year or two of higher education. during those years, many pick classes that they already have a strong knowledge base in, aware they’ll need to keep their grades up to maintain their university’s gpa requirement for athletes. because of this, many miss out on subjects that would teach them about systems of inequality like statistics, sociology, and studies of groups of historically marginalized people.

major juniors players, who move away from home in their mid teens, are even worse off. they leave school, usually completing the bare minimum requirements of a high school diploma to focus on their development as players and travel for games. and up until a recent vote, athletes from the canadian major junior hockey leagues were ineligible from playing ncaa hockey.

3) body economics

like all athletes, hockey players’ bodies are their jobs. the natural decline of their bodies over time limits their playing careers to the years of their lives when they can physically compete with both opposing players (to win games) and their own teammates (for roster spots).

the mean nhl career is 7 years. many hockey players don’t learn another trade and have no guarantee of making a successful career transition after retirement from playing (though some go on to coaching and media positions).

this creates a pressure to make as much money as possible while they still can, knowing that every time the take to the ice to do their jobs, they risk the very things they use to earn money: their bodies.

the physical nature of hockey means that a career-ending injury could come at any point. holding onto their earnings, knowing they’ll likely make up the bulk of income over their entire life, is essential to ensuring the comfort and health of themselves and their families.

earning high paychecks for an inherently limited number of years, it becomes attractive to these players to support candidates who promise to cut taxes for the rich, something popular among conservative politicians. while players may bear no ill will to members of historically marginalized groups and may even support their rights and freedoms, their personal economic situations lead them to vote for politicians who perpetuate that marginalization.

there are plenty of straight-up bigots playing major league sports. the panthers shouldn’t be singled out for visiting 1600 pennsylvania avenue. not because supporting the current administration isn’t reprehensible, but because it isn’t unique among hockey players—or even among athletes.

[art--harridan]

[Image description: A digital drawing of Billy Whitney from the film Society. He is the focus of the piece, shown from the shoulders-up. He is looking to the side with a paranoid and scared expression on his face. Sweat is streaming off of him, plastering his hair to his forehead. It is highlighted with an uncannily bright white. This same white is used to colour the kitchen knife he is clutching in his hands, pulling it close to his chest. Above him, there's a close-up drawing of an sickly green apple with a bite taken out of it. The hole left behind is teeming with worms and maggots, dark red in colour. Below the apple, the phrase "all my fears are real" is written. To his other side, there's three panels which show different scenes of fleshy uncertainty. They share the same colours, deep reds and unappealing greens and browns. The only truly clear panel is the first one, which seems to show a face twisted in agony. The lineart is scratchy and unpolished, and a deep brown. There's a lot of stark shadows. The background is a gradient, with a light pink at the bottom and white at the top.]

Inktober - Day 2 (Discover)

Film - Society (Brian Yuzna, 1989)