#she thinks that of herself but she isn't that at all

[jasontodddidnothingwrong]

Highly specific things I think the Bats do that piss off Babs

(From someone who works in a job that's librarian-adjacent)

Bruce

Constantly writes case notes on paper (which is fine) but either neglects to digitise them at all or dumps huge quantities of notes on her desk, with little or no organisation for her to sort through and digitise for him (she does not). Babs is 100% certain he only writes in a little notepad because The Grey Ghost did it.

Dick

Constantly loses/breaks his phone. He at least has the sense to comm Babs when he loses them so she can wipe them, but it's still incredibly frustrating to have to wipe Dick's brand new phone for the third time that month and then set up a new one with all the bat- bells and whistles because he forgot to zip his pockets up before doing a flip.

Jason

He still uses a flip phone entirely because he knows Babs couldn't get anything useful from it even if she could hack it. Also writes notes on paper, but they NEVER see the light of a photocopier. Insists he can just remember everything in his head.

Cass

Takes video notes, because she can express herself easier through sign language. This is one hundred percent not her fault, and Babs isn't mad at her. She's actually mad that she can't get her ASL transcription software to work flawlessly, so she has to dedicate A LOT of storage space to keeping the original videos.

Duke

Abbreviates way too many things in his notes but doesn't explain what they mean. Also uses slang Babs is painfully aware she's getting too old to keep track of and then mocks her when she doesnt know it.

Tim

Is the worst. Why?

casenotes.docx

casenotesACTUALFINAL.docx

casenotescomplete.docx

casenotescomplete(4).docx

casenotesfinal.docx

casenotesfinalFINAL.docx

casenotesNOTHISONE.docx

casenotesNOTTHISONE.docx

casenotesTHISONE.docx

casenotesv2.docx

casenotesv2.0.docx

Damian

Invents his own highly complicated note taking and file management systems that only make sense to him. Refuses to explain any of it because "if you can't understand my case notes, then obviously you're not worthy of them".

Steph

Surprisingly concise, well-organised and thorough with her case notes, but bought something off Temu with the Bat-Credit-Card once and got the details leaked to the dark web.

[misayani]

GIBSON GIRL — LOTTIE MATTHEWS × FEM READER

𝒾. TEXT you both believe that the wilderness thinks the two of you are perfect together, and the wilderness couldn't be more right.

𝒾𝒾. CONTENT sexual themes, batshit crazy gfs

𝒾𝒾𝒾. MISA'S THOUGHTS "i can fix her" no, i'll match her freak

Sex with Lottie is a ritual. You bite until she bleeds, she scratches until you bruise. Every act is devotion, every scream is a plea. You and Lottie don’t survive the crash. You ascend through it — hand in hand, mouth to mouth, soul to soul. 

That's what brought you here now: in the woods, filthy mouths crashed together as you both kissed each other like your sanity depended on it. 

"Fuck, Lottie—" You pull away from the kiss, shutting your eyes close, as her lips move from your lips, trailing down to your chin, before then settling on your neck, sucking the warmth. 

Your lips parted as you chant her name like a ritual. It was too much, but at the same time, it isn't. It is never too much. If you could, you would want her to be inside of you completely—just Lottie eating you from within.

"Keep them open." She mutters against your neck, pinning your legs down with force. You would think that a bruise was starting to form because of how hard she was gripping your thighs. 

Lottie pushed you down onto the dirty cloth that she took from the cabin. Her right hand creeping under your unclean night dress before sliding her fingers beneath your underwear like she had every right— and she did. 

You were dripping wet, body shivering from how badly you needed your girlfriend.

"Please, Lott... I need you inside me." The words fall from your lips like confession. Your eyes locked onto hers, pleading.

As if the woods were listening, a strong gust of wind rushes through the trees, you let out a whimper, the forest exhaling with you. 

You smile, eyes wide with awe, heart thudding like a drum that lay beneath your ribs. "See?" you whisper, "Even they agree." 

Lottie was drooling at the sight of you, you looked so fucking heavenly. Her pupils were dilated as she inhales the fresh air, before leaning down on you and started kissing the areas your clothes didn't cover.

"Look at you," she said, her voice low. "So soft. My angel, so ready to be ruined."  

She pulls herself away from you, her fingers pulling your underwear down as a strand of slick connected from your wetness and the cloth—before breaking eventually as it reached your mid-thighs.

She pulls it all the way down your legs until she got it off you, and tosses it beside you. 

She paused, her hand lingering just above your knee, her thumb gently tracing circles. She doesn't speak. She just watches you, her gaze laced with need.

She speaks so quietly you almost don't hear it:

"Mine."

And then her mouth was finally on you, as you let out a soft sound. She doesn't stop, her tongue lapping your cunt causing the filthiest sounds to be made by you.

A small part of you was embarassed. The fact that you were fucking dirty—physically—haunts you. But the moment that you heard a muffled moan come out from Lottie's mouth, the weight of your shame lifted.

Lottie did not give a fuck. She does not care that you stink. It was nasty, sure. But to her, the mess was just another part of you.

She knew you were filthy, hell, she knew you both were filthy—but that was the beauty of it. Everything was raw. 

Everything was real. She didn't need clean. She needed you, every inch of your skin, every layer of your flesh, every depth of your bones. 

"Lottie, faster!" You cried out, and she obeys. Your back arched as your vision blurred, the forest started to spin around the both of you or maybe it was just you.

Your breath trembled, a string of moans slipping from your lips as if you were in pain. "Lottie... Lottie, please.."

You bit your knuckles, as the other hand travels to grab the back of her head to push her deeper. Tears started welling up in your eyes, threatening to escape. 

"I'm close, so close—fuck, keep going" you breathe out, biting your knuckles harder when Lottie sank her nails deeper into the flesh of your thigh. Her pace was getting faster, as she devoured you like there was no tomorrow.

Lottie moaned into your cunt, sending chills all over your body. Lottie herself was being pleasured just by hearing the sounds your body made, squeezing her thighs together as she continued eating you out.

This was your fate. This is where you were meant to be: making love with the girl you cherish most. The wilderness did not make a mistake when it led you to her. It was a sacred decision. 

The knot inside your stomach slowly broke apart, "I'm cumming—!" your legs shook as you released your juices, Lottie slurping every single drop that left you. 

You sobbed as she didn't stop nor even slow down. You moaned her name out loudly as she helped you reach your high, letting you desperately grind on her face. 

Soon, she pulled away, her chesting moving up and down as she tried to catch her breath. With all the strength you could muster up, you pressed your palms against the ground and lifted yourself up, wanting to be close with Lottie, your beautiful Lottie, who's mouth and chin was visibly wet.

"Thank you." You breathe out, your arms snaking around her neck as hers rested gently on your waist. 

She looked deeply in your eyes, 

"They want you." she whispered, eyes flickering from your left eye and to the right. "But they can't have you. You're mine. And if I have to bleed for it, burn for it, starve for it— I will."

And you believed her.

[bored-trans-orchidsexual]

Unsung hero of chaos: Zac Oyama. Yes, he's quiet, often a little sweet. But just as is his comedic style he is a *king* of... God I hate to say it but I guess conservative comedy? Not comedy for the politically conservative, I mean for minimal effort he creates maximum laughs, he says the *one* thing that gets people laughing after someone else sets him up, like in the make some noise lawyer bit. He doesn't play characters that grab the spotlight but they exist *to be funny* and that's clear in all his characters. Gorgug is too awkward to have a sincere conversation for long, wonders if everyone is his dad, and smashes shit as a barbarian. Ricky is the straight man to everyone else's cool weirdness, he's what they bounce off to make their bits land, but he's also so absurd when you think of it. He's literally just a himbo who's so hot and so pure he... Gained magic? Lol? Lapan and his killer lines, cumulous and his constant killing of animals in the background, *Everything about skip*?

Zac is a chaotic player who hides his chaos behind being quiet and supporting others, the entire dimension 20 cast is on the chaotic spectrum. It's really mainly Siobhan that isn't, one of the two women players at the table. Yes Emily *is* chaotic and we love that for her but she also *commits* to the narrative and wants to solve/progress the story, which is more than you can say about Zac or Ally, who are here FOR THE BITS and treat the story as an "oh we're doing that now? Ok I'll tone myself down... Maybe" kind of thing. Emily will draw real tears from the audience *and herself* from the emotions in her performance, and I think that gets forgotten/ignored in discussions of players. People mention Lou as a method actor getting "too emotionally invested" in ACOC, as a father who lost a daughter, but have they even SEEN Emily's performance as Saccarina? There's almost no jokes at all with her she's pretty much just tragedy and betrayal on full display, with her and Ruby granting the closest dim 20 has ever gotten to showing real, conflict-filled but ultimately choice-driven character development, not just the natural conclusion of a character's arc.

I think Izzy on Adventuring Academy is correct that “chaotic” is an adjective disproportionately attributed to women players. Aside from Ally Beardsley, but that’s a whole other discussion regarding queerness and women in nerdy gaming spaces.

That being said here are some examples of men who are chaotic players:

Lou Wilson - Besides the Fabian almost dying example mentioned in the Adventuring Academy episode, we have Pinocchio’s whole hotdog bit, the pole dancing on his own nose, and his entire presence in the first episode. (“I’m the prince of Shoeberg, motherfucker”) Then there’s Squak who loves starting chaotic shit. Even Gunnie has to get in on the chaos.

Caldwell Tanner - If you’re not listening to Naddpod you’re missing out. He is incredibly chaotic. The shenanigans Beverly gets into is peak chaos. (Also Emily Axford is there to egg him on.). Early examples include a bullywug mating call and goofing a god. Even as a DM he’s chaotic. Look at Trinyvale, which is designed through pure chaos. (He, as video game character Gex, said the immortal words “I’m young, hung and full of tongue” which will live etched into my soul forever.) The world isn’t flat, it’s a cube!! Then there’s Hungry Dave in Hot Boy Summer who flings Frisbees and eats a spell. (Zac, Murph and Jake are also very chaotic in this too.)

Freddie Wong - D20 fans know him from Mentopolis in which he killed a police captain and has super hard testicles. But if you listen to Dungeons and Daddies you know he’s pure chaos. He takes huge cartoony swings and they are usually chaotic. Truly one of the most uncontrollable players out there. I’m more shocked when Freddie makes a grounded decision than a chaotic one.

Brian Murphy - I know what you’re thinking. “But but but he’s the rules guy. He’s a plot hound.” True but he’s also very chaotic. He makes the choice to eat the dragon that ate his dad. (Delicious in Dungeon style) Also Barry 6 has unhinged chaos moments equal to anything Emily does. What about Cody Walsh? Everything he does. He sold his soul in .25 seconds and smashed his face with a brick. Then there’s Jens Lyndelle, quite possibly the most wretched and chaotic piece of shit ever invented. Murph is sneaky chaotic. Yes he loves being a plot hound but so does Emily. The story and the game mechanics are vehicles for both of them to behave chaotically.

In a lot of these examples these guys are playing with Emily Axford and bringing a very similar energy. Yet she’s the one labelled chaotic. Lou is the more chaotic of the duo in ACOFAF. Caldwell and Murph match her freak on Naddpod. So, I do think there’s a disparity here and it does seem sexist. When Ally started playing they were a more female-presenting queer person. Or as they’ve phrased it, they “come from lesbianism”. So, I think you can certainly view it as a sexist label that stuck. But also let’s not overlook how queerness is viewed through the patriarchy as a feminine trait. Like misogyny and homophobia are spidermen pointing at each other. So it comes as no surprise the very openly queer person whom we watched transition on D20 is also labelled chaotic.

[piracytheorist]

Oh no no no no WAIT

What if the first secret that comes out in the family isn't anything about their jobs or identities or abilities - it's the fact that Anya is adopted.

So idk how, but Yor would find out something important, and thinking that he has no other options, Loid tells her that Anya is not his biological daughter, and that there never was a Mrs. Forger before her. He apologizes for lying to her and making all that up. She asks why send her to Eden then, and he says that HE wanted to, but felt embarrassed to admit that as a manly man™ he wanted his daughter to have a good education for her sake and not for the family status (since the Forgers don't have a particularly high status).

And he's actually terrified that Yor will be mad at him for his lie, but instead she tells him that she's so glad that he adopted a child, because as an orphan herself that's something very important to her (and it hits him too though he stays in good ol' Denial™ about it). What she doesn't say is that she feels relieved because she always felt inferior to this mysterious first wife, who must have been beautiful and good and perfect and she's just a klutz and a horrible cook (which would represent how people and particularly women are held to an impossible standard that doesn't really exist), but now this standard disappears and it's like, Loid respects her for who she is, not who he compares her to.

(no manga spoilers please)

[sparrows4bats]

So this is Batcow fan account, and I shall starting earning that title now.

Batcow is the greatest matchmaker to ever live. She is the reason for the batfamilys continuing sanity and relationship status. The Manor functions because of Alfred and Batcow.

How, you ask? How does a bovine save superhero and vigilante love lives? Why does a cow hold that much power? Dear sweet child, Batcow Is, that is how. But some quick examples of her her brilliance follow:

Dickory

Batcow is how Dick wins Kory back after a spectacular fight that almost breaks them up. Dick is upset and takes it out by arguing with Bruce and then walking around the Manor Gardens to cool off where he notices Batcow has somehow inexplicably ended up on the roof of the Manor. She looks unharmed, but there is no way for her to get down.

Dick panics because if anything happens to that cow, Damian will murder everyone in the house and fight Ras himself to get her to a Lazarus Pit. So after a moment or two of trying to think of a way out of this. He does what he usually does when his back is against the wall, and his life is on the line. He calls Kory.

After listening to him explain, she flies over and air-lifts Batcow off the roof. Where Dick promptly falls to his knees in front of this literal Queen and apologies for being a stubborn ass. Kory laughs and kisses him. Dick brings Bat Cow treats for weeks after.

JayRoy

Jason has been pining after Roy for months, possibly years, but can't find the right way to see if they could be anything more than friends. If they get together, he is in this for the long haul, not just for Roy but Lian too. So, instead of communicating like a normal person, he starts a silent campaign of proving he is Step Dad Material.

All of his attempts somehow backfire. Lian loves him, but Roy has no kitchen left and thought they both died twice. (He still lets Jason watch her, though. JASON IS OBLIVIOUS) So he is looking for child safe activities that don't involve bedtime stories(Lian prefers his over Roy's already), and then Damian remarks how friendly his pets are with civilians in his never ending pursuit of getting Bruce to allow him to patrol with his pets. And Jason knows exactly what to do. Why go to a petting zoo when he has one in the Manors backyard?

(They are still banned from the actual zoo. That penguin was fine. Eventually.)

So he brings Roy and Lian over to the Manor, and Alfred sets up lunch on the grass. Lian loves batcow and the rest of Damians' menagerie. She is so happy that after hours of cuddling and feeding the animals that she throws herself into Jason's arms and says, "Thank you, Pops! Can we come back tomorrow? Pretty please?" Jason tears up, and Roy smiles. He also asks him on a date so he can make it official. (Roy isn't as happy when he finds out about the Dragons on their next visit.)

Jason gives Lian a Batcow plushie when he adopts her a few years later.

TimBer/ Timbernkon

Tim hesitates to kiss Bernard and later Kon for so long that Batcow steps up to help him.

Tim after hours of too little sleep and too much angst . He goes to vent to the cow because she's good company and won't spill his secrets to anyone. One of these chats was interrupted by a worried Bernard looking for this boyfriend after he disappeared from his office.

Bernard loves Batcow, and seeing him act so adoring to her makes any doubt he had fly away. Because Bernard looks at him in almost the same way so he leans in and finally kisses him properly. They end up making out a little and get caught by Alfred, who came to feed Batcow her dinner.

When Tim and Bernard introduce Kon to Batcow, after a few weeks of trying to convince him to date them, Batcow full on body checks him into Bernard, and they accidentally kiss as Kon avoids crushing him. Tim pouts until Kon kisses him, too.

Bernard now visits Batcow at least once a week and bonds with Damian over her.

BatCat

They didn't know Batcow was pregnant or how she even got pregnant, until one day she went into Labour.

Damian is a mess and enlists Selinas' help because she has been around so many cat births. She tries to tell him a cow is completely different, but Damian is desperate and won't take no for an answer. Silena and Damian stay with Batcow, brushing and encouraging her until Batcalf is born.

Damian falls in love at first sight, and Silena has a realisation and suddenly blurts out that she thinks she might be pregnant while looking over the newborn. Damian doesn't react for a moment, and Silena fears the worst until he starts tearing up a little and asks rather shakily, "Does that mean I'll be a big brother?" Silena hugs him and tells him he will be the best big brother and doesn't comment on the tears that soak her shirt.

They tell Bruce together, first about Batcalf and then about the baby. (He is stunned, and Damian tells him off for his response because his silence is upsetting Silena and "She needs little to no stress in her condition, Father!")

Damian and the Cows follow Silena like shadows during her pregnancy (she doesn't ask how Batcow gets into the house and Bruce is too upset about how his son and his pets are doing a better job than him at being supportive to notice how Bat Calf sleeps on Damians bed.)

Damian is the first, after her parents, to hold Helena Wayne. He gives her two Cow plushies she carries everywhere for years.

StephCass

Batcow goes missing while Damian is on a mission, Stephanie is meant to be watching her, as Alfred is away as well. AND SHE LOST THE COW. Damian is going to kill her. Not even Cass could save her.

Then she realises, Cass! Cass will find Batcow, if anyone can, Cass, the most competent person ever, will.

So Cass and Steph spend hours searching everywhere they can think of until it starts to rain. And Cass looks so good with wet hair and rain drops sticking to her lashes that she can't help just kiss her. (They might die tomorrow if they don't find the cow anyway, so YOLO). Cass kisses back and asks, 'What took her so long?'

Batcow is on the roof on the Manor. They call Kara to come get her. No one knows how she ended up there, but they all agree never to tell Damian.

Duke/Izzy

Apparently, 'Do you want to go see my crazy family's pet cow?' is a ridiculous way to ask a girl out. But it made Izzy laugh so hard she says yes anyway.

Duke gives Batcow extra attention ever since and sends Izzy regular updates on her 'Adventures'.

Jondami

Batcow, like in the supersons movie, is one of the first things Jon and Damian bond over. Jon comes over to help Damian with his pets regularly, and that is how their partnership develops to friendship and then something more.

Then, Batcow gets sick, and Damian panics hard. (He has contingencies in place if she dies, but if he can prevent that, he will.) Damian calls for Jon for the first time ever, and Jon is there in Minutes. Damian is in tears and hugging his cow like a giant teddy bear when he arrives. He's never seen Damian look so....human. They investigate what is hurting Batcow and Jon figures out she's pregnant AGAIN, this time possibly with twins.

Damian is so relieved that he hugs Jon. It's the first time Damian has touched him willingly outside of training and missions. They are both teenagers at this point, and its like Jons whole world tilts on its axis. Righting itself to centre on the boy in his arms, a boy who is so kind and lovely, despite all the reasons he shouldn't be. Damian fits under his chin, and suddenly, Jon knows he would do anything to make him happy, to keep in his arms where Jon can protect him. Jon knows Damian can protect himself and has done so hundreds of times, but Jon wants to be the one he calls when he's scared, and based on tonight, he already is.

Damian pulls back too soon, and Jon, instead of pulling him into another hug, kisses him. Best of all, Damian kisses him back.

Duke catches them, and they swear him to secracy with the agreement that he can bring Izzy over when the new calves are born.

They still don't know how Batcow got pregnant, but they name the calves Supercow and Wondercow because Lian insisted. (Jon and Damian laugh at Bruce's face when they introduce him to the new members of the family.)

Batcow deserves an award for her service. For now, she and her children are spoiled rotten.

[disregardcanon]

thinking about like. the inverted ways that shauna and travis have changed in the wilderness. shauna, who was passive before the wilderness despite all of her anger. the way that she outwardly conceded to jackie's wishes but was secretly seething and making her own plans. and she never completely freed herself of that Yoke of Being Jackie's Second until they had their blowout fight that got jackie killed. over the course of season 2, we watch her change in the absence of jackie, and by season 3 she's wearing every bit of rage right on her sleeve and trying to exert her will on everyone through insults and threats and violence.

but travis? where shauna ends is basically where he STARTED. at least from a hypothetical standpoint. like, he was never successful with this behavior the way S3 shauna is because he was severely outnumbered and isn't very good at his Macho Man act. but... he still TRIES. and he goes through his own Terrible Awful season 1 event that shows, without a doubt, that the Macho Man shit is not going to work in the form of the group sexual assault and hunt. through season 2 we see him integrate into the group, which is only possible for him by completely giving up that ill-fitting costume.

then by season 3, though, he is intensely passive. in a lot of ways, he's an just... an extension of lottie, which reminds me a lot of Beginning of the Show shauna. sure, he makes his own plans and moves, but until he tries to hightail it with akilah? it's all Carefully Calculated To Maintain That New Status Quo. and then when he finally wants to be DONE WITH LOTTIE he brings End Of Season 1 Shauna level insults to that fight. of course he also brings... a pit filled with spikes he whittled himself. for the express purpose of killing lottie. but i think the parallel still stands! pointing lottie at akilah to get her to leave him alone feels a lot like Applying For Brown, trying to get out with her feels like Sleeping With Jeff, and then finally going off on her and attempting pit murder feels SO MUCH like their season 1 fight.

and season 3 off the fucking walls shauna reads so much like How Much Can I Piss Everyone Off? I'm Going To Be Sexist To Get a Response and Now Point a Gun At Natalie And Make My Emotional Issues Everyone's Problem. except season 1 travis didn't have the real ability to do that but season 3 shauna DOES

so i dunno. i think the idea of the two people that shared javi the most having parallel arcs is FASCINATING

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

@zepskies

Okay, I am finally able to settle down and read part 2 and I am so excited!!

Again, I really love the soft reader in this fic. She's lovely and kind and there's just something about her that's so endearing that it makes me want to give her a big hug. 💚

“Dean, this baby wasn’t planned, but he’s not a mistake,” you say. “I don’t regret anything.”

I'm melting over her reassurance to Dean that she doesn't regret a single second! And the kiss had me screaming!

And then, he’ll be ruined for any other chocolate chip cookies that try to grab his taste buds. He’ll say, Blech. Chips Ahoy? These aren’t as good as Mom makes!

As someone who loves to bake I felt this in my soul. Also I love that you've given us another reader like the reader in Midnight Espresso who likes to take care of other people, because again it's so warm and welcoming and fantastic!

This cozy little scene kind of annoys Dean somehow, though he doesn’t know why. He does know that it shouldn’t.

Dean, Dean, Dean... you know why. We all know why.

She’s going to be a good mom, he thinks. He can only hope against hope that he can be the man his son needs.

I'm so happy at this point, but I just know that Lisa is probably gonna ruin it. Dang it, I love that you included her to cause some friction and some angst, but I'm just living life on the edge of my emotions each time she comes in.

“Why the hell did he have to bring her,” you mutter to yourself, wiping sweat from your brow. Here you are, gritting your teeth through contraction after contraction in this damn hospital bed, and Dean is outside the room talking to Lisa.

And there she is. Why, WHY did he bring her!

You know you have no real reason to be upset. She’s been trying her best to be your friend in recent months. Hell, she helped Eileen and your mom plan your baby shower. She even brought you flowers when she got to the hospital, but you notice how less than five minutes after she got here, she and Dean became embroiled in yet another argument. It seems to you that all they do is argue, break up for a week or two, and then get back together again.

Now I feel bad because I read the next sentence about Lisa being nice. Lisa I'm so sorry. Please accept this potato as my humble apology. 🥔

A large, warm hand rests over yours. Your gaze raises slowly, and Benny smiles at you. He’s serious though. “Don’t you worry about that,” he says. “You’re not gonna be alone.”

Okay... before I dive into the five years later, I just want to say that I feel so bad for Dean, but at the same time you GO Benny! Because he's being so sweet and kind and isn't playing with her emotions, and he's literally there for her even though she's having someone else's kid. Like what a man. 👏🏻

Oh, yeah, and the “you and Benny” thing? That’s been going well for two years now.

Literally screaming yes! I'm so happy for them. And also I love the Robert Plant reference.

Benny is a bit closed off though, the strong stoic type. He’s hard for you to get a read on, and sometimes you wonder if he’s just indulging you when you ramble on about your day or make silly jokes. Even now, sometimes you withhold the first thought that comes to your mind, hoping he doesn’t think you immature or…too much.

Oh buddy... and just like that the happy feeling is starting to ebb away. I mean I'm happy that she has someone, but I hate that she feels like she can't be herself there. It turns into feeling trapped really quick.

Side Note: Love the Jurassic Park reference. I know that you're as big a Jurassic Park girlie as I am!! 🦖

But it's also terrible that he let a four year old watch that 😬

“And she seems happy,” Lisa points out. “Don’t you want the mother of your kid to be with a good man who treats her right?” He nods, trying to hide his growing annoyance. “‘Course I do. I just…I don’t know. I still don’t see them together, I guess.” “Well, they’ve been together for like, two years.”

Baby, he wants to be the good man who treats her right. And don't think I don't see the subtle hinting that you've got going on Lisa. I'm about to take back my potato.

Lisa takes his hands in hers, uncrossing his arms. “I want to get married someday. I want kids too. And I want that kind of life with you…I’m just not sure you want it with me.” Dean expels a heavy sigh. “Lis—” “Don’t answer me right now,” she says, but she levels him with a serious look. “You need to decide though, Dean. Five years is long enough. You should know by now if you want to be with me.”

Dang it. Now I feel bad for Lisa. It's true though. It's literally five years of on and off and where is it going? I see what she's getting at and I do feel for her.

“By ‘we,’ you mean you and Benny,” Dean says, his tone becoming surly. “And about that. Don’t you think a bike is something you should run by me? That’s typically a ‘dad’ kind of gift.”

Ah yes, the classic Dean Winchester get mad at other things because he's too afraid to say the one big thing that he's held close to his heart for the past 5 years. *sigh* 😒

It's sad to me because Dean could have done this five years ago and it would have been less complicated. Now he's been with Lisa for 5 years, and the reader has been with Benny for 2. And yes maybe the reader isn't happy, happy, but in the end there are four people involved in this rather than the two it could have been at the beginning (or maybe 3?).

“Come ‘ere,” Dean says, a little stronger. When he reaches out to his son, the kid hops up onto the bed and buries his face into his father’s chest. Dean holds him as securely as he can, soothing his hand over the boy’s hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “It’s okay, little man. ‘M okay,” he promises. Robbie nods, but he still continues to cry.

Oh my word he's such a good dad to Robbie even when he's hurt and I can't take the feelings! 😭

And the fact that Benny calls Dean "brother" is just making the feelings even worse, because I know what's coming and oh man, it's gonna hurt Benny so much.

“Maybe if you and Dean stayed together longer than five minutes at a time, he’d put you back on the short list,” you sling back. “But the truth is, you’ve never just…been there for Dean. Not without demanding something from him.” Lisa scoffs incredulously. “Oh, that’s fucking rich coming from you. You’re the reason he can’t commit to anything. You think your little world is the only one that matters, and you call Dean for any little thing! What, don’t you have a boyfriend to help fix your goddamn sink?” 

Oh boy... this is... this is really... I have no words because both of them have points. But I would still like my potato back, thank you very much.

He has to be okay with the fact that you’ll probably marry Benny. You’ll keep making him cookies and cakes, giving him your smile and your time and your body. And Robbie will probably think of Benny as more of a father than his own Weekend Dad.  Meanwhile, you’ve spent the past few months keeping yourself in check as well. You’ve stopped calling Dean for help whenever something breaks down in your old-ass apartment. You try to keep your conversations less about life and troubles and whatever funny thing your students did that day in class, and more focused on Robbie–strictly about his schedule and his needs.

This is KILLING ME ALEX! They just need to communicate with one another instead of shutting each other out! DANG IT! SPEAK! DEAN STOP DOING THE SUFFER IN SILENCE BIT! We all know you can look super hot while you're brooding, but COME ON! I just want to hit him with a frying pan!

And her! Oh my word. I love her but please, PLEASE call Dean! He's your friend! You like him!

“That was you asking me out?” you ask incredulously.

Nice and safe.

Like an end table. Because that's what every woman wants from her significant other 🤣

Also I'm literally cackling over the fact that Dean and Benny chose the same night to ask their ladies to marry them. Their brains are so in sync LOL.

The only face he can conjure is yours. Your eyes are warm and welcoming, your smile as bright and contagious as your laugh. The only voice he can hear is yours, gentle and strong at the same time. The only one he can see is you. He knows the shampoo you use an

FINALLY!

“Maybe you did, in your own way,” she says, laughing a little through her tears as she wipes them away. “But you already have a family, Dean. Go fight for it.” 

She can have a whole truck full of potatoes. She did the right thing and the "Go fight for it," is just so lovely.

“It’s over. For good this time,” Dean shakes his head. “I realized what I wanted for my life, and where my heart is…” And he chuckles weakly. “Truth is, you’ve had it the whole time, sweetheart.”

Not like I’ve just hurt him, you think. Guilt still pricks at your heart. The last thing you ever wanted to do was lead him on, and yet, that’s what you’d done, wasn’t it? You thought you had loved him. You’re sure that you did, but maybe it just wasn’t the kind of love that could reach down deep and grab you, set your blood on fire, and make you ache when the burn was gone. That spark licks across your skin when Dean takes your hands.  

I especially love this little bit, because you describe what the reader wants in love (what we all want LOL) and then you add the difference when Dean touches her. But I also completely understand her hesitancy to go to Dean even though it's what her heart is telling her. She's trying not to get her heart broken and yet Dean is the person she's held there for so long.

Dean never imagined that his own son would hand him the ring he gives to his wife, but today, it just feels like symmetry. He grins and winks at Robbie.

Oh goodness THE WEDDING! IT'S HAPPENING!

Can I ask how long it's been since they got back together? I love the time skip, but I'm just curious to see how long Dean waited to pop the question. 😊

Also the stuff about Benny is so sad- I'm beyond happy for the reader and Dean (their love makes me so happy)- but dang he was Dean's best friend. And the stuff about Dean saying that this wasn't how he wanted to be promoted, I'm having so many feelings AHHHHH! But I wish Benny happiness. Who knows? Maybe he and Lisa will meet up in a few years and bond 🤪

(I also felt the need to add the next paragraph because I read the comments)

Also I'm gonna say this- I like what you did with Lisa and with Benny. I think that it made sense to add them in this and I think that Lisa added a catty/dramatic energy and Benny sort of became the (terrible word) placeholder for Dean to the reader, but both of these characters were helpful for moving the story along. And I think that Dean's character makes sense because yes at the beginning he was a playboy, but then he started to feel the stability of the reader, started to crave something more than what he had in his life- and instead of going with her, he clung to Lisa. Just as the reader wanted something more and started to date Benny, but missed the electricity of what the reader thought love should feel like. Dean and the reader both felt the need to push down their feelings and search in the wrong places for what they wanted from each other. At least that's how I took it and I loved every single second of this fic and how you wrapped everything up!

ALEX, this fic was amazing! It had me feeling all the feels on this wonderful, beautifully written emotional rollercoaster. I can't wait to read the epilogue!

IF I STAY - Part 2

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Plus-Sized!Reader

Summary: Your dream is to work with kids as an elementary school teacher. Dean is well on his way to becoming a firefighter, keeping things light and “strings unattached” as he goes. After a one-night stand you never saw coming, you and Dean are forced to deal with the consequences…and figure out if the connection between you is worth fighting for.

AN: Deep breaths��Are you ready for a rollercoaster of emotions? 😘❤️

Song Inspo: “I Can’t Help Falling in Love” and “It’s Now or Never” by Elvis

Word Count: 13.1K

Tags/Warnings: Angst, pregnancy feels, hurt/comfort, fluff, time jumps and flashbacks, sexual tension, mutual pining, spice~, and an ending…

❤️‍🔥 If I Stay Masterlist

Part 2: It’s Now or Never

At the doctor’s office, Dean goes in with you for the first trimester ultrasound. There you learn that you’re going to have a boy. Tears well up in your eyes and slip down your cheeks.

Dean wears a look of amazement as he sits on the edge of your bed. He takes up your hand and squeezes gently. He tries to be a strong support, even though he also tries to hide the fear that begins to churn in his gut.

For one of the first times in his life since Sam was born, he feels the weight of responsibility pressing down on him. In a good way. In a fucking scary way.

He looks at you and sees the wonder written across your face while you watch the tiny shape of your baby on the screen. His heartbeat thwaps fast and loud in the speakers.

Dean realizes something else then; the decision you're making is changing the course of your whole damn life…and it’s his fault.

With his weekly hookup rate, in the very back shelves of his mind he knew something like this could happen, even though he thought he'd been careful. (Apparently, condoms are fragile little shits.) But here, in this white wall-to-wall room that smells like hospital antiseptic, that thwap thwap thwap of a heartbeat reverberating in his ears, the reality of this is crashing hard on his shoulders and rattling down to the base of his spine.

Despite his earlier happiness, those thoughts stay with him when you two eventually get back into his car. You have the pictures of the sonogram in your hands. You smile down at them before you put them back in your purse for safekeeping.

However, you notice Dean’s sudden melancholy as he stares out at the road. He’s started the car, but he hasn’t moved to pull out of the parking lot yet.

“Hey, you okay?” you say, resting a gentle hand on his arm.

Dean shakes his head. “Look…I’m sorry for tossing a giant friggin’ monkey wrench into your life. I know this hasn’t been easy for you.”

If possible, your heart softens even more. You slide your hand down to grasp his.

“Dean, this baby wasn’t planned, but he’s not a mistake,” you say. “I don’t regret anything.”

Dean stares back at you, incredulously. He can’t believe you could really say that to him. He doesn’t know what to say. He only knows what’s in his mind, and what he feels compelled to do in that moment.

He leans over and kisses you. It’s a firm meeting of his lips to yours and achingly familiar. But ultimately, it’s chaste. He pulls away and settles back in his seat.

When you blink your eyes back open, your expression is slack in shock.

“I’m sorry,” he says, seeming sheepish, and guilty. “I meant to say thank you. Just didn’t know any other way to say it.”

After a moment, you smile at him. It’s warm and almost shy.

Dean clears his throat, trying to ignore the way his face is heating up. He doesn’t say anything more. He just takes the wheel and shifts gears, pulling the car out of the parking lot. 

You don’t know what possesses you to bake cookies. Dozens and dozens of them, all the chocolate chip cookie recipes you can find. You’re in search of the perfect one. This will be the recipe your son will grow up on, and every time he eats them, he’ll remember how much you loved him.

And then, he’ll be ruined for any other chocolate chip cookies that try to grab his taste buds. He’ll say, Blech. Chips Ahoy? These aren’t as good as Mom makes!

…Or something like that.

Yes, these cookies have to be perfect. You’ll even write the ingredients down on a notecard and hide it away, and it’ll become your family secret recipe.

Once you feel like your cookie game is strong enough, you decide to test these babies out. You bring two dozen painstakingly baked confections to Firehouse 83, where Dean works. The man is a bottomless pit, to be sure, but you also want other people’s unbiased opinions. For science.

You park your car on the side of the road, making sure you’re not blocking the driveway where two huge fire trucks are parked. You head inside the firehouse with your big container under your arm and your purse on the other. Now at seven months into your pregnancy, you’ve gotten to the embarrassing “waddle” stage.

You’re still determined to be active though! You plan to keep working until you have the baby. Your parents live a few hours away, but you’re grateful that they want to help out as much as possible.

Even though they weren’t happy to hear about how you got pregnant, by now they've met Dean and begrudgingly admitted to liking him. He's really stepped up to the responsibility of a future father, insisting on baby-proofing your apartment, helping you shop for the essentials, and going with you to as many doctor’s appointments as he can. He’s even agreed to giving you child support payments, even though you hadn’t wanted to ask for it.

You look for him now as you enter the firehouse, trying to push the heavy glass door open with one hand.

“Here, I got you,” says a familiar baritone voice.

You’re pleasantly surprised at the man who helps you inside.

“Benny! It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, been…a while,” he chuckles, glancing down at the swell of your belly, but he squeezes your shoulder and leans in to hug you gently.

“Dean filled you in?” you ask. You hope so. Having to explain the story to one of his own friends would be embarrassing, especially since this is the man you walked in Sam’s wedding with. It reminds you of that day, and the way you told Dean that news in a glorified closet, with shaking hands and the wrong kind of butterflies.

Thankfully, Benny nods. “That he did…but come on, I’ll show you around. And I see you’ve brought somethin’ special for us?”

He gestures at the container you're holding and offers to take it off your hands. You give it to him, grateful for the help.

“Yeah, and I want you guys to give me your honest opinion.”

Benny tosses you a wink and a smile. “That I can do.”

Your cheeks begin to warm in a blush, but the way he helps you to a comfy couch in the common room earns your smile. There are still good men left in this world, and you’re glad to know that Dean works so well with one.

“You want some coffee, or water? Think we might have some lemonade,” Benny says.

“Water would be great, thank you,” you reply, as you rub your belly. The little man has decided to kick at your liver today. “I stopped drinking coffee for the baby. ”

It's your biggest challenge, to be honest. Try wrangling a group of fifteen to twenty six-year-olds while running on green tea, the fumes of sleep deprivation, reduced bladder control, and as much vim as you can muster.

“Ah, right,” Benny nods. “My sister has two kids. She cut out coffee, pain meds, some dairy stuff. But she claimed cheesecake was all right, ‘cause it’s got cake in the name.”

You giggle. “I see no flaw in her logic.”

Down the hall of the firehouse, Dean is just coming back in from going through a set of drills. He’s still the Candidate—the freshest blood in the house—so they’ve been putting him through his paces for the past several months. He’s eager to learn and to prove himself.

His ears perk up in confusion though. Did he just hear your voice?

Why does it smell like a bakery in here?

When he rounds the corner, he sees you in the common room, smiling and giggling like a teenager at something Benny said to you while he eats a soft baked cookie right out of a Tupperware container. You must’ve brought it for the firehouse.

This cozy little scene kind of annoys Dean somehow, though he doesn’t know why. He does know that it shouldn’t.

“Hey, look who’s here,” Dean says, forcing himself to smile. It becomes easier when you look his way, your eyes brightening at his arrival.

“There you are! Come ‘ere and try these,” you say, pointing at the box Benny holds. “Tell me if our son’s going to have the best PTA mom ever.”

Dean can’t help but grin after trying a big bite of one of your cookies.

“Oh, mah Gah,” he says, holding a hand under his mouth so nothing comes crumbling out.

“Good?” you ask.

“Good friggin’ cookie,” he confirms, after he swallows. “You’re gonna have the other parents frothing at the mouth. Who’s gonna be able to compete with this?”

Benny nods in agreement. When Dean squeezes your shoulder, your sweet, happy smile makes him smile too.

She’s going to be a good mom, he thinks. He can only hope against hope that he can be the man his son needs.

Two months later, the time has finally come. Your water breaks when you’re in the middle of teaching your second graders how to spell exaggerate—and no, Joey, it’s not e-g-g-zagerate.

However, the embarrassment of him pointing out the fluid beginning to stain your slacks is swiftly cut off by your shock. Your first call is to the principal, to have her send someone to cover your class. Your next call is to Dean, telling him to meet you at the hospital.

“Why the hell did he have to bring her,” you mutter to yourself, wiping sweat from your brow. Here you are, gritting your teeth through contraction after contraction in this damn hospital bed, and Dean is outside the room talking to Lisa.

You know you have no real reason to be upset. She’s been trying her best to be your friend in recent months. Hell, she helped Eileen and your mom plan your baby shower. She even brought you flowers when she got to the hospital, but you notice how less than five minutes after she got here, she and Dean became embroiled in yet another argument. It seems to you that all they do is argue, break up for a week or two, and then get back together again.

The sex must be explosive, like the fireworks at goddamn Disney World.

But Dean eventually does come back into the room alone. His support grounds you over the next few hours. He lets you basically break his hand, all while he gives you encouragement (and stands by your shoulder, so he doesn’t see anything you’d rather him not see).

And then, your son is born. Every muscle, every cell in your body is exhausted, but the pain meds have kicked in, and you’re in that blissed out state between abject reality and being entirely entranced by the bundle in your arms. His perfect face is just there, sleeping for the moment after the nurses taught you how to breastfeed.

Dean returns to sit in the chair beside you. He gives you some water and a piece of a protein bar. You’re not that hungry, but he pointed out that you haven’t eaten since before your water broke.

“Sam and Eileen are on their way up,” he says.

You nod in reply. You’re too into your son right now to think of anything else.

Dean shakes his head in wonder as he reaches out with a tentative hand, brushing his fingers over the baby’s downy head. He was born with a little tuft of brown hair.

“Okay, down to business,” Dean says, shooting you a playful look. “I vote for Zeppelin.”

You groan. “Dean, no. Veto. I’m not naming my son after a rock band.”

“Aw, come on. It’s a badass name!”

“What about Aiden?” you suggest.

“Veto,” he snorts. You two agreed to getting five “vetos” each, but this discussion has been more like a battle of wills over the last several months.

“Okay, what about Daniel? That’s strong, classic,” you pose.

Dean considers it with a tilt of his head. “All right, that one’s a maybe.”

Again, he strokes the baby’s soft cheek. You look over at Dean with a small smile.

“You’re going to be a good dad, you know,” you tell him. It earns his gaze. Although he’s trying to stay strong, you read the hidden insecurity there, the worry and fear. You rest a hand on his arm. “You are, Dean. You’re a good man, and you’ve really stepped up these past few months. This obviously isn’t how either of us thought our lives would go, but if this had to happen with someone, I’m glad it’s you.”

Dean’s expression softens. He hesitates, but he lays a hand over yours and squeezes gently.

“Thanks,” he says.

Your eyes meet, and it’s a moment charged with something you can’t even name. It’s not the first time you’ve felt this feeling with him. It both fills your heart with warmth, and makes you ache.

Then the door opens. It’s Lisa, Sam, and Eileen. Dean’s hand slips away from yours as they all pour in to congratulate you and Dean, and of course, meet the baby. There’s a lot of soft cooing and playful shushing.

In that small chaos, your parents call to tell you that they’re finally almost here. It really sucked not having your mom with you, but your parents live far enough away that they were going to take a train and stay with you for at least a week. Their train unfortunately got delayed due to mechanical failure.

It's okay though. Getting through the past several hours has made you realize that you’re stronger and more capable than you think, and even though part of you is still scared to death, you don’t need a husband to be a good mom. You’re going to give this your all, no matter who’s beside you…

And that's no more apparent than when Dean soon has to step out again, leading Lisa out of the room. He saw how her “helpful” suggestion to have a get-together at their apartment to celebrate the baby’s birth was setting you on edge. Really, you just want to sleep for the next 24-hours and not have any more pictures of you taken.

It gets loud enough outside your hospital room that Sam and Eileen feel they have to intervene. Lisa is Eileen’s best friend, and she’s the best equipped to try and deescalate the argument from that end, while Sam deals with Dean. It’s messy, it’s irritating, and it means that even today, you can’t just have a little bit of peace.

You sigh and cradle your still nameless baby close to your chest. He’s all that matters. Already, your heart is so damn full just taking him in.

“What’s your name, my little love?” you whisper. “What am I going to write on your certificate, besides Winchester?”

“How about Benjamin,” comes a Louisiana drawl.

You perk up and smile in surprise. “Benny, hey.”

He greets you with a slightly hesitant kiss on the cheek. He’s brought the baby an adorable teddy bear, and you a beautiful bouquet of white and blue roses, along with a box of chocolates.

“It’s the assorted kind, but they’ve got plenty of the caramel ones you like,” he says, then gazes down at the baby. “Aw, he’s a little charmer. Already got more of you than Dean, that’s for sure.”

You laugh lightly at his teasing. “I don’t know about that.” You hope your son inherits Dean’s strong jaw, and his green eyes.

Benny scratches the back of his head. “Also…sorry if I’m crossing some kind of boundary here. Looks like it’s a bit of a circus outside.”

You shake your head and smile through burgeoning tears. You set the chocolates on the end table where he’s placed the flowers and the teddy bear.

“No, it’s very sweet. Thank you,” you say. You glance out the window of your room to the hallway, where the arguing between Dean, Lisa, Sam, and Eileen seems to finally be calming down. You’re so damn tired, you don’t give a crap about whatever they’re hashing out now.

You look down at your son, and despite your strong thoughts earlier, insecurity begins to creep back into your mind like inky claws.  

“How are you holding up?” Benny asks. His face is kind and concerned when he notes the change in you.

You meet him with a wobbly smile. “Honestly? I’m afraid. I know I have a lot of people who want to support me, and I’m grateful, but…I just have this terrible feeling that we’re going to end up alone, him and me.”

You look down at your son, and you have to wipe away a tear from your eye before it falls on his face.

A large, warm hand rests over yours. Your gaze raises slowly, and Benny smiles at you. He’s serious though.

“Don’t you worry about that,” he says. “You’re not gonna be alone.”

FIVE YEARS LATER... 

For all that changes, there are some things that stay the same.

Dean and Lisa are still the world’s most “off again, on again” couple you’ve ever met. Sam and Eileen are still going strong as the hardworking, driven career couple. Your son is growing more and more every day and just started kindergarten this year.

(You ultimately caved on Dean’s idea to name him Robert, as in Robert Plant, lead singer of Led Zeppelin.)

Oh, yeah, and the “you and Benny” thing? That’s been going well for two years now.

What can you say? The man is persistent, but respectfully so. He’s considerate, reliable, and always calls you when work at the firehouse has him running late.

You haven’t yet invited him to move in with you. That part you’re still hesitant on, mostly because of your son, but Benny helps you drop off Robbie at school and makes breakfast for you all whenever he stays over your apartment. Benny takes an interest in your son’s life and keeps up with all his energy, taking him to the park to run himself ragged before dinner, and helping you tuck him in at night.

Benny is a bit closed off though, the strong stoic type. He’s hard for you to get a read on, and sometimes you wonder if he’s just indulging you when you ramble on about your day or make silly jokes. Even now, sometimes you withhold the first thought that comes to your mind, hoping he doesn’t think you immature or…too much.

But Benny shows his caring in all those little things he does for you. They add up into the big things, and he makes you feel supported. He makes you feel safe.

He even helps you plan your son’s fifth birthday. Robbie wanted to go all out on a dinosaur theme; he’s been hooked on Jurassic Park ever since Benny “accidentally” let him watch it with him on one of your rare nights out with your friends.

So you set up a little party at the park by your apartment. You managed to reserve the biggest gazebo, where there are three picnic tables covered with dinosaur plates, and tablecloths, streamers in different shades of green. You even bought a big dinosaur cake—also in a radioactive green color that you hadn’t been sure about, but your son talked you into. Robbie thinks it’s awesome.

He’s running around on the playground with a few of his friends from school. Their parents (along with Sam, Eileen, and Lisa) are talking amongst themselves at one of the picnic tables while you try to figure out how to get the Bluetooth speaker to connect with your phone.

“Haha! Got it. If you're so smart, Alexa, why don't you connect on the first try?” You fist-pump the air triumphantly, just as Benny comes to your side. He wraps an arm around your waist and kisses your cheek, making you smile.

“How’s it going out there?” you ask, nodding at the kids. Plus Dean, who’s gamely been the one to keep them entertained with different games. Right now, it’s a thrilling game of Cowboys and Outlaws, where Robbie and his friends are the cowboys, and Dean is the outlaw. He’s been hiding under the slide, behind trees and other playground fixtures, while the kids have little squirt guns to pelt him with water every time they find him.

It's pretty damn cute, and you’ve been taking pictures. You smile at the sight of Dean leaping out at Robbie and the kids, catching them off guard.

“You’ll never take me alive, Sheriff!” Dean declares.

“Oh, it’s goin’,” Benny remarks with an amused shake of his head. “Still hard to believe that guy’s about to make it to Lieutenant.”

“Hahaaa, gotcha!!” Dean cackles. He’s grabbed up Robbie and yanked him over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. Robbie screeches with laughter while his dad runs around the playground, being chased by a bunch of five-year-olds with squirt guns.

Your smile threatens to make your cheeks hurt. You know your life is…unconventional, to say the least, but Dean is a good father to your son. He’s also been working hard at his job. He just took the Lieutenant’s test, and even though Benny already occupies that position at Firehouse 83, a spot at another firehouse might open up for Dean to transfer.

“Part of me doesn’t want to,” Dean admitted to you last week, while he was working on fixing your stubborn, leaky sink. “All the guys there, they’re like family, you know?” “I understand,” you nodded. “You have to do what feels best for you, whether that’s staying where you feel comfortable, or moving up in your career somewhere else. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.” He took in your advice with a slow nod. “Yeah, thanks. Guess I have to time to think about it. Lisa had other ideas.” “Of course,” you said with a smile, but it soon dropped. “Why, what did she say?” “Do what I can to move up,” he sighed. “She’s got a point. That title comes with a pay bump, one I could really use right now.” “I get that. Totally valid,” you said. “But I just think it’s important for you to be happy with it too. Especially with what you do, helping people, saving people…I’d imagine being in the right mindset for all that is important, right? Who you work with can be just as important as the money stuff.” Dean considered you with a smile. “Yeah, exactly.”

As you think about it now, you have to admit that he’s grown up a lot.

Dean has to lean against a tree to catch his breath. Am I already getting too old for this crap?

Feels kind of young to have a stitch in his side after a few rounds with these kids, but even he has his limits. Lisa comes to bring him a bottle of ice-cold water, which he appreciates. He’s tempted to dump it over his head like he does after successfully neutralizing a fire. It gets literally hot as hell under that helmet and mask and all his gear underneath.

“Need an iron lung?” Lisa teases.

“Toss in a new pair of knees, thanks,” he wheezes. He downs half the water bottle in one go, but he smiles at seeing his son keep running around with his friends. He’s just got that manic kid energy that goes on for days. But Robbie’s also smart; like Dean, he likes taking things apart and putting them back together in new and ingenious ways.

Dean hopes his son likes the new model car set that’s waiting for him on the picnic table full of presents. In fact, he’s still surprised that you didn’t go with the race car theme he suggested for the party, but apparently, Robbie’s more into dinosaurs now. Dean wishes he knew that before he bought the model car set.

He looks over and catches sight of you and Benny wrapped up in each other. He has his arm around your waist while you fiddle with something, but the way you lean over and whisper near his ear elicits a smile on Benny’s face.

Dean’s good mood diminishes.

“Well, don’t they seem cozy,” he mutters.

Lisa arches a manicured brow. “Yeah, pretty sure he’s getting ready to propose.”

That earns Dean’s attention, his head swiveling back to her in surprise.

“Really?” he asks. “Who told you that?”

“His sister,” she replies. “Meg’s in my intermediate class, remember?”

Dean nods, sipping at his water, even though he’s a bit absent in the eyes. Lisa watches him shrewdly.

“Why do you seem upset about it?” she asks. “Benny’s your friend.”

“I know,” Dean says. He doesn’t need that reminder, or the guilty twinge. It’s not like he’s done anything wrong.

“And she seems happy,” Lisa points out. “Don’t you want the mother of your kid to be with a good man who treats her right?”

He nods, trying to hide his growing annoyance. “‘Course I do. I just…I don’t know. I still don’t see them together, I guess.”

“Well, they’ve been together for like, two years.”

Again, Dean nods his acknowledgement. It’s hard for him to believe that so much time has passed already. He honestly didn’t think you and Benny would be together this long. He’d always felt a little uncomfortable with one of his best friends dating you, but you’d seemed happy about it, so he didn’t discourage it. But he’d never been very supportive, either. At least, not about your relationship.

Lisa sighs and grabs his arm, pulling him aside before he can rejoin the party.

“Listen, we need to talk about something,” she says.

Dean restrains a tired groan. “Can this wait ‘til later?”

“I think we should do this now,” she says. A hallmark Lisa-ism. She’s opinionated and strong-willed, something Dean’s always respected about her. Sometimes though, the timing is damn irritating. He doesn’t want to get into another argument with his girlfriend in public, especially not at his son’s birthday party.

“Speaking of commitment,” she says with a sigh. “I think it’s fair to say that we’ve been on a five-year rollercoaster, you and I. You know why that is?”

“I’m sure you’re gonna tell me,” Dean says, crossing his arms.

“It’s because you’re spread too thin,” she says. “Between the firehouse, construction jobs on the side…not to mention other things.”

“What? What’re you talking about?”

Lisa’s lips purse, before she pointedly gestures over at you with her eyes. “Well, for example. You’re still going to her place after your next shift to fix her fridge, right?”

“Yeah, I mean, should be pretty simple. I’ve just gotta swing by the hardware store and grab this specialty tool I ordered—”

“Dean,” Lisa deadpans. “That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about.”

She heaves a deep breath, running her fingers through her long brown hair.

“I get that navigating this situation hasn’t been easy for you,” she says. “It hasn’t exactly been easy for me either, but look.”

Lisa takes his hands in hers, uncrossing his arms. “I want to get married someday. I want kids too. And I want that kind of life with you…I’m just not sure you want it with me.”

Dean expels a heavy sigh. “Lis—”

“Don’t answer me right now,” she says, but she levels him with a serious look. “You need to decide though, Dean. Five years is long enough. You should know by now if you want to be with me.”

After letting go of his hands, she softens the edges of her words with a gentle kiss on his cheek. Then she turns to join the group now gathered around the picnic table where the food is, all the kids cheering for pizza and cake.

After the party, Sam, Eileen, Lisa, and Benny pack up their cars and yours with the leftover food, party supplies, and presents. Dean helps you clean up the trash, all while keeping an eye on Robbie getting out the last of his sugar-high on the playground swing.

You shake your head tiredly, if with a fond smile. “That kid’s gonna be up all night hype on that radioactive cake.”

Dean chuckles. “You want me to take him tonight?”

“It’s okay. I think he’s going to want to play with his toys,” you reply.

“Well, he could just as easily do that at my place,” he reasons.

You consider it, but you shake your head. “Yeah, but we got him the bike. He’s probably gonna want to try it out for a few minutes before we get him cleaned up.”

“By ‘we,’ you mean you and Benny,” Dean says, his tone becoming surly. “And about that. Don’t you think a bike is something you should run by me? That’s typically a ‘dad’ kind of gift.”

You pause what you’re doing at the sound of his tone. Your brows knit together.

“Sorry, but I feel like a bike isn’t exclusively a dad thing,” you say.

“My dad got me my first bike,” Dean replies. “Spent a whole three days teaching me how to ride.”

You take a minute to think about it. You understand where Dean’s coming from, so you nod.

“Okay, I get it. You want to be there to help teach Robbie? I’m sure he’d love that.” 

Dean tosses a wadded-up ball of frosting-covered napkins and stops, letting his hands fall to his sides in frustration. He draws closer and helps you untie the balloons from the picnic table.

“Yeah, I do, but that’s not the point,” he says. “Why can’t I take him home tonight?”

You blink up at him in confusion. “Well, like I said. The bike—”

“That I should’ve gotten for him,” he snaps. “Which, let me guess, Benny picked out. Right?”

You frown at him in earnest now. “Dean, why are you getting so upset about it? It’s just a bike.”

“Well you know what, it’s not! And it’s not just the damn bike either.” He swipes a hand over his face in annoyance, a telltale sign you’ve come to read well on the man. “Look, I’m missing too much shit, all right? Like, like the dinosaur thing! And the fact that I only get him on the weekends.”

You turn toward him, trying to put a cap on your own annoyance. This isn’t the first time you two have had a conversation like this. 

“We’ve gone over this before, Dean. Your schedule at the firehouse is just too unpredictable,” you say. “Robbie needs as much stability as possible between us. But…okay, if you want to take him tonight, that’s fine. We can bring the bike over to your place and show it to him there.”

You’re trying to be as reasonable as possible, and Dean knows that. Still, anger prickles just under his skin, and he can’t help but push his luck.

“You still should’ve asked be before you got the bike in the first place,” he argues.

Your brows raise high. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“Look, it’s not like we bought him a Honda Civic. Honestly, Dean, why are you picking a fight with me right now?” you ask. “Did you and Lisa get into it again or something?”

Dean looks away and crosses his arms, giving you all the confirmation you need.

“Yeah, that’s right,” you nod. “I saw you two over there on the playground, looked pretty heated. But do me a favor. Don’t come at me with that energy, because I’m too damn tired of it!”

When you walk away from him, Dean can’t help but stare after you. He knows he fucked that up, just as he knows that you don’t deserve him snapping at you. He’s just too irritated to admit it.

For the entire week that follows, Dean finds himself distracted. He sticks to his word and helps Benny teach his son how to ride a bike in between their shifts at the firehouse, but Dean comes home each night feeling even more frustrated and drained than before. It’s too much, knowing Benny’s slowly but surely carving out a father-figure role in Robbie’s life.

These thoughts follow Dean to work, even while he climbs up the firetruck ladder in the rain. It’s parallel to a busted utility pole that still sparks with electricity, even in this torrential downpour. His task is to get up to the top and grab a large branch that’s tangled in the lines.

Rung after rung, he climbs. His safety mask protects his eyes from the rain, but he wishes they had some mini windshield wipers to keep his vision clear of the droplets pelting him in the face.

He also can’t help thinking of you. If Lisa’s right, then Benny’s about to become a more permanent fixture in Robbie’s life, and yours. 

Okay fine. It’s not like Dean expected you to be single forever, but did you really have to get with one of his best friends? Does it really have to be Benny, who seems so natural with Robbie, and more patient than Dean, and more of a support to you and Robbie than Dean can ever be?

And then there’s Lisa’s little ultimatum. He understands why she’s frustrated with him. Honestly, he’s surprised she’s stuck around this long. He knows she’s not going to wait too much longer for him to get his act together. For him to decide, as she put it.

It’s not that he’s not sure about her, it’s just that…

Just that what? he wonders.

He manages to grab the wily tree branch and maneuver it out of the power lines. 

He just doesn’t realize that his glove doesn’t have quite enough friction on the metal side panel of the ladder. Not only does his hand slip, but he’s forced to let go of the branch while he loses his balance. The branch falls to the sidewalk, far, far down below.

“Dean!” Benny shouts in alarm.

Luckily, the truck itself breaks Dean's fall.

Holding Robbie’s hand tightly in yours is the only thing keeping you steady as you lead him through the hospital. After the receptionist had checked you both in and gave you the room number, you hastened down the hall and up to the right floor. 2005.

Robbie breaks into tears when he finally gets to see his dad, laid up though he is in his hospital bed. Your throat tightens at the sight of Dean hooked up to all those monitors. He has his arm wrapped up and fitted into a sling. He has a thick piece of gauze taped to the side of his face, covering a wide, angry abrasion, but he seems to be resting easy on his back. The bed is at an incline, with most of the overhead lights turned off.

Robbie rushes to the bed before you can stop him. He hesitantly touches Dean’s non-injured right hand. “Daddy?”

“Robbie, wait,” you say, keeping your voice quiet. You quickly go over to the bedside and grab ahold of Robbie’s shoulders, but Dean takes a deep breath. His eyelids crack open.

“Hey, buddy,” he says, attempting a smile. His voice is rough and weak, but at least he’s awake.

Robbie’s lower lip wobbles as tears fill his eyes again.

“Come ‘ere,” Dean says, a little stronger. When he reaches out to his son, the kid hops up onto the bed and buries his face into his father’s chest. Dean holds him as securely as he can, soothing his hand over the boy’s hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“It’s okay, little man. ‘M okay,” he promises. Robbie nods, but he still continues to cry.

You can’t help but do the same. Tears slip down your cheeks without your consent. Dean beckons you over too, gesturing with his chin and a slight smile. You’re more tentative in the way you sit down at the edge of his bed. You run your fingers through Robbie’s light brown hair to help reassure him. Then, you meet Dean’s gaze and lay a hand on his good shoulder. You don’t know whether you’re steadying him, or yourself.

“How do you feel?” you ask. “The hospital called me. Benny told me what happened.”

The thought reminds you to text your boyfriend. You hadn’t had a chance to tell him you made it here yet. He must be downstairs grabbing a bite to eat, because he’s the one who rode with Dean in the ambulance and has been with him for a while.

“The hospital called you?” Dean notes in slight confusion.

“Eileen told me that Sam is in court right now, so I must’ve been next on the list,” you say. He also must have taken Lisa off his emergency list the last time they broke up for almost a month. He probably forgot to update it again.

You reach out a hand to almost touch the bandage by his temple. Instead, you hesitantly hold the side of his face to see the area better. Dean closes his eyes for a moment. You can see he’s in pain. Your hand lingers on his cheek, but you know, deep down, that it shouldn’t.

Dean doesn’t stop you though. He lets out a deep breath, savoring how nice the gentle touch feels when the rest of his body feels battered to hell.

“Fell off the ladder. Was a stupid rookie move,” he explains, but when he sees that look on your face, he tries to inject a little more joking into a smile. “S’ not so bad.”

“You could’ve broken your head as well as your arm,” you say, more sharply than you mean to.

Robbie whimpers and clings tighter to Dean. You cover your mouth, as if you can trap the words back inside. You don’t want to upset your son more than he already is, so you fall silent. Another tear works its way down your cheek, but you brush it away. Dean shakes his head.

“Hey, I’m okay,” he reassures you too. He manages to smile as he pats Robbie’s back. “Right, buddy?”

The boy’s head perks up. His eyes are still shiny, but he smiles too. He’s not one to speak when he’s upset though, so he just curls up against Dean’s chest and hangs onto him. Dean rests his good arm snugly around him.

You smile and stroke Robbie’s back. Though your hand lowers, resting on Dean’s hand. You take in a deep breath to calm yourself down. Dean’s fingers curl around yours, prompting you to glance up into his eyes. The way he’s watching you is soft, grateful.

Until the door creaks open. Benny steps in with a subtle clearing of his throat. You jolt internally, and you slip your hand away from Dean’s. You offer your boyfriend a wan smile.

“Hey,” you say.

“Hey, baby.” He comes over and greets you with a kiss to the side of your head. He smiles at your son gently. “The gang’s all here.”

“Oh! Let me call Sam, and Lisa too. They still don’t know what’s going on,” you say. You get up from the bed to grab your phone out of your purse. Dean nods in agreement and thanks you, while Robbie plays with his dad's long fingers.

“How you holdin’ up, brother?” Benny asks, after you step out of the room. He settles into the chair near the foot of the bed.

“Ah, you know me. I’m like a cat. Always stick the landing,” Dean says, smiling lazily. The morphine is starting to kick in again.

Benny smirks. “Maybe you do got nine lives, the amount of close calls you like gettin’ yourself into.”

Dean’s good humor fades. He considers his son in his arms, and he shakes his head.

“Yeah, well, no more,” he says. He got a taste of what it would be like to leave his boy behind, and he’s not fucking doing it. He’s not leaving you to raise Robbie by yourself. The mere idea tears a new hole in his heart.

His eyes sting just enough that he has to blink a bit harder, swallowing past a thick well of emotion in his throat. He presses another kiss to the top of Robbie’s head. Then, Dean meets Benny’s gaze.

“Thank you,” he says, and he means it.

Benny nods.

“You got it, brother.”

When Lisa steps off the hospital elevator on the second floor, you happen to be coming out of the bathroom to fix your racoon eyes. You’ve been crying way too much. You attempt to greet Lisa with something reassuring, but she cuts you off. 

“What happened, and why didn’t the hospital call me directly?” she asks.

Her tone is cutting, and it takes you aback.

“Well, Sam and I were listed as his emergency contacts—”

“Why?” she snaps. “You’re not his wife or his girlfriend. I should’ve been listed.”

Jesus Christ. At this point, you can’t help it. You’re too tired and emotionally drained to lasso in your temper with this woman.

“Maybe if you and Dean stayed together longer than five minutes at a time, he’d put you back on the short list,” you sling back. “But the truth is, you’ve never just…been there for Dean. Not without demanding something from him.”

Lisa scoffs incredulously. “Oh, that’s fucking rich coming from you. You’re the reason he can’t commit to anything. You think your little world is the only one that matters, and you call Dean for any little thing! What, don’t you have a boyfriend to help fix your goddamn sink?” 

You open your mouth to retort, but you pause as her words seep into your mind. She might actually have a small point about that one. You realize then just how often you’ve been asking Dean for his help, not just with your apartment, but with your car, and other logistical things that usually have to with Robbie. Dean’s just such a good handyman, and you thought he genuinely liked being able to help…even though Benny did mention once or twice that he’d be just as happy to help you.

“Lisa, this is a lot more than a leaky sink. I just wanted to get here with Robbie and make sure Dean was okay,” you try to explain.

“Good. I’m glad his son was the first person Dean got to see when he woke up,” Lisa says. “But I should’ve been the second.”

She brushes past you before you can even think of what to say. You’re in a state of shock, feeling guilty, incensed, and on the verge of tears all at once.

A familiar voice calls your name, and you turn to Benny just as those tears begin to fall. He gathers you up into his arms and holds you there in the middle of the hallway.

“She shouldn’t talk to you like that, no matter how high tensions are today. I’ll talk to Dean,” Benny says. You shake your head and bury your face in his chest, clenching your fingers in his red flannel shirt. 

“No, it’s okay,” you reply, despite the sob that shudders through you. You’ve lost the will to fight.

Benny shakes his head and presses a kiss to your forehead. “It ain’t okay, baby.”

“Please, don’t bother Dean with this. Especially not right now,” you say. You take a moment to wipe your eyes and get ahold of yourself. “I’m gonna go get Robbie so Dean can rest.”

You can’t shake the feeling that Lisa is right. You do rely on Dean too much. You just don’t want to think about why that is.

Dean makes a full recovery after a few months. He never does hear about what happened in that hallway, but he knows that things need to change. 

He decides to dig out his mom’s engagement ring from a locked box of his parents’ keepsakes, though he’s still waiting on the right time for it. He and Lisa start looking at houses though, for real this time. She hires a realtor and everything. 

He’s making a firm decision, and he thinks it’s the right one. He wants to be there for his son, but he doesn’t want to keep “spreading himself too thin.” He has to figure out how to set some roots, and some boundaries with you while he’s at it. He’ll just have to come to terms with the idea that he won’t get to be there for everything. 

He has to be okay with the fact that you’ll probably marry Benny. You’ll keep making him cookies and cakes, giving him your smile and your time and your body. And Robbie will probably think of Benny as more of a father than his own Weekend Dad. 

Meanwhile, you’ve spent the past few months keeping yourself in check as well. You’ve stopped calling Dean for help whenever something breaks down in your old-ass apartment. You try to keep your conversations less about life and troubles and whatever funny thing your students did that day in class, and more focused on Robbie–strictly about his schedule and his needs.

It’s kind of painful, if you’re honest with yourself. Sam will always be one of your closest friends from college, but in the past five years, Dean has truly become your best friend. Because you’ve told him things. The things that come from sharing a child with someone, like Sunday dinners with your parents, flipping through old yearbooks and childhood pictures—and the details of day-to-day schedules and little stupid things that happen in moments between moments.

Dean also knows the deep cuts. Like being pregnant and scared and breaking down crying on the side of the road. Like sharing the deepest well of your insecurities with someone who knows your body intimately, even if just for one amazing night...a night you’ve never quite been able to put out of your mind.

However, you know that things can’t stay the same. From now on, he just needs to be your son’s father. Nothing more, nothing less. 

So today, on a crisp April 24th, you’re getting ready for a highly anticipated evening with your boyfriend. Robbie is sleeping over your parents’ house, and Benny has been planning something special for your third-year anniversary. 

You slip into your new dress, a deep emerald green, with a pair of black heels you’ve rarely worn since before you got pregnant. Come to think of it, you were wearing these the night of Sam and Eileen’s bachelor-bachelorette party. The night you…well, the night Robbie was conceived. 

You shake your head to rid yourself of those thoughts. You even consider changing. 

You’re being silly, you shake your head. They’re just shoes. 

And yet. Thinking of that time so long ago, it reminds you of a recent Sunday dinner at your parents’ house.

Two Months Ago...

Your parents live modestly, but comfortably in rural Kansas. Their ranch-style home boasts a creek in the backyard, where your dad is teaching your son how to catch minnows. Your mom is inside working on an apple pie, knowing it’s both Dean’s and Robbie’s favorite.

You and Dean have kept close to the house under the shade, sitting on a bench made more comfortable by a pair of old polyester cushions with red, faded flowers.

“How much longer do you have to wear that?” you ask Dean. He glances down at his cast-covered left arm.

“Doc says it’s about ready to come off,” he says.

You nod, allowing yourself a certain smile. “How bad are you itching to grab my mom’s garden shears and cut it off right here?”

“Woman, don’t tempt me,” he says, his lips twitching at a grin. “I’ve been eying those overgrown scissors for the past half hour.”

You laugh and take another sip of your glass. Yours holds sweet tea, while Dean’s has some of your dad’s favorite whiskey. You both raise your heads when Robbie yells across the backyard.

“I caught a minnow!”

“Good job, buddy,” Dean grins. “See if you can catch a marlin!”

“A marlin?” Robbie questions.

“Yeah, like that orange guy in Finding Nemo,” Dean calls back.

Your dad gives Dean the same wry look you do, though yours is tinged with more amusement.

“Dean, that’s a clown fish,” you say. “He’s not gonna find that in the creek.”

“Aw, shit,” he tries to quiet his laugh. “Ah well, should keep him occupied for another twenty minutes.”

You bite your lip to stifle your laughter as well. Though something else occurs to you the longer you watch your son play and explore in the creek. Your dad has the patience of a saint as he puts yet another bait worm on the hook for the kid.

“He’s starting to ask questions, you know,” you tell Dean, in a quieter voice. “‘Why aren’t you and Daddy married? Why can’t we all live together?’”

Dean's brows raise. His good humor dims when he looks over at you.

“What do you tell him?” he asks.

You take in a deep breath, considering your words now as carefully as you did with your son.

“That we care about each other a lot, as friends,” you say, meeting Dean’s eyes. “And we love Robbie very much. Nothing’s going to change that, even if you and I aren’t together like a normal mom and dad.”

Saying it like that makes your heart twinge, for more than one reason. The way Dean’s mouth twitches into a rueful smile just makes it worse, but you try your best to ignore it.

“I never thought about having to explain it to him,” he says, rubbing a hand over his mouth.

It’s that anxious tell of his again. You notice every time he does it.

“I have,” you admit. “I just didn’t know for sure what I was going to say until it was coming out of my mouth.”

Dean smirks a little. “Yeah, that sounds like you.”

You roll your eyes and sip your drink, crossing your arms as well. Dean considers you then, looking at you in a way that makes you raise a brow in question.

“What?” you ask.

“Nothing, it’s just…” He sits back against the bench and rubs his hands down his jean-clad thighs. “For the record, I did try to ask you out once.”

“What?” you scoff incredulously. “No, you’ve been with Lisa since the beginning.”

“Before Lisa,” Dean says.

He isn’t joking. He isn’t teasing. He’s serious as he stares back at you with those green eyes of his. Your brows furrow as you wrack your brain. Did he drunkenly leave you a voicemail on one of those “off again” episodes between him and Lisa? No. You know you’d remember something like that.

“It was a few weeks after the bachelor party,” Dean says. “I called you up, remember?”

Your eyes widen. Finally, that jogs your memory.

“So I just thought maybe you and I could do something again. Maybe you wanna come over my place this time.” And there it is. You deflate at his words, shoulders sagging. The "convenient booty call" proposition.

You have to laugh, shaking your head in disbelief.

“Dean, you did not ask me out,” you say. “You wanted to hook up. There’s a distinct difference.”

Dean frowns at you. “No, I was. I invited you over—”

“For essentially some Netflix and chill,” you retort.

“Hey, I offered to make you dinner,” he argues. “I didn’t say anything about hooking up.”

You pause at that. His earnest denial makes you actually think back to what you remember about that conversation on the phone.

“So I just thought maybe you and I could do something again. Maybe you wanna come over my place this time.” And there it is. You deflate at his words, shoulders sagging. The "convenient booty call" proposition. “I could make us some burgers, toss in a couple of beers and a movie night,” he adds.

You cover your lips with your fingers as you begin to realize…

“That was you asking me out?” you ask incredulously.

Dean’s brows furrow and he throws his hands up. “What? Who doesn’t like a little movie night?”

“Dean,” you huff another laugh. “You could’ve made it sound more like a date.”

“Well, ‘scuse me. Sorry I couldn’t afford the Ritz at the time,” he grumbles.

You sigh. “That’s not what I meant.”

The more you think about it, the more you just shake your head at yourself. Why did you have to overthink it, like you do everything?

“Wow,” you say, softer and more contrite. “I honestly never thought…”

“Yeah,” he says. He shifts his gaze out ahead.

You glance over at him, now more unsure of yourself. He wouldn’t have any regrets, you think. He has Lisa. As much as they go at it, they always inevitably get back together. And now you know they hired a realtor. They’re about to start making solid steps forward.

But Dean surprises you with another question.

“Do you think if…”

He doesn’t finish it, but you think you know what he’s asking. You hesitate, your fingers flexing around your glass that beads with condensation. You set the glass down beside you. 

Just as you open your mouth to reply—

“All right, pie is cooling and dinner is served!” your mom calls out. Her head pokes out of the sliding glass door to the backyard. You offer a smile, trying to hide how you jolted in your seat.

“Okay, thanks, Mom,” you nod.

You turn back to Dean, who also hesitates. His eyes meet yours, but all too soon, he locks the moment away.

Bracing his hands on his knees, he rocks to his feet and goes out to get Robbie and help your dad bring in the fishing gear.

You grab Dean’s whiskey along with your tea on your way back inside the house. You consider the amber liquid disturbed in his glass, and you down the rest yourself. The burn down your throat is a good distraction. If he asks about it, you’ll say you got the glasses confused.

You know you’ll have to leave that conversation unfinished at the foot of the bench.

Now...

Benny comes by your apartment and helps you into the passenger side of his pickup truck, like the gentleman he is. He takes you to a nice restaurant in downtown, much nicer than the usual sports bar or kid-friendly restaurant. You're very much looking forward to eating at a restaurant that doesn't feature chicken fingers or "kiddie" corn dogs.

“This is gonna be really expensive,” you whisper to him, after he hands his keys over to the valet. 

Benny squeezes your hand in his, leaning over to kiss your temple. 

“Don’t you worry about that. We both deserve a night out.” His blue eyes gleam with amusement. However, his gaze gentles, becoming more sincere. “You work hard, carin’ for everybody around you. How about you let me take care of you for once.”

Your eyes begin to water, your throat constricting with emotion. You rub his arm gratefully.

“Thank you,” you say. “You don’t know how much I appreciate that.” 

It’s always easy with Benny. Nice and simple and easy. Nice, supportive, and considerate.

Nice and safe.

That thought follows you while you and Benny walk into to the restaurant. He’s reserved great seats in the back corner, overlooking a beautiful courtyard. It’s decorated with hydrangeas and light wood dining tables, all framed with a rod iron archway as the sun begins to set just so. After holding your chair out for you before he sits himself, Benny orders a bottle of champagne to kick things off.

He turns to you with a somewhat nervous look in his eyes, like he's steeling himself. It’s uncharacteristic of Benny, who’s always so calm and charming and sure of himself. It makes a zing of anticipation run down your spine, and…a dash of fear. You don’t know why, and you don’t know how to beat the feeling down as you fidget in your seat.

He subtly clears his throat, then takes your hand. “Sweetheart, I know I’m not all that good at the words you’re supposed to say. But I can say that the past three years with you and Robbie, it’s come to mean the world to me.”

Your smile softens. He brushes his thumb over the back of your hand, encouraged by your reaction.

“So I think it’s time I made it clear where I stand, and how much I want to be the man in your life,” he says.

Your eyes begin to widen in shock, but not for the reason he thinks.

“Dean,” you gasp.

Benny’s expression slackens. “What?”

You point over his shoulder, and Benny turns to follow your line of vision. Dean and Lisa have just walked into the restaurant. They notice you pointing their way, and they both pause in surprise as well. Lisa is beautiful as usual in a slinky black dress, completely backless (something you feel you could never pull off, unless you had an invisible bra to keep the girls perked up).

Dean is…well, you’ve very rarely seen him in a suit, but charcoal gray works for him. The open collar and white buttoned-down works for him, as do the three top buttons he’s left undone, showing a tantalizing strip of tanned skin. He stares back at you like he forgot you live in the same time zone, let alone the same zip code.

“Uh, hey!” he casts out an awkward wave, before he makes his way over to you and Benny. Lisa is less than enthused.

“We shouldn’t interrupt their night,” you catch her whisper to him, but Dean doesn’t seem to hear her.

“What’s up, party people! Of all the gin joints in all the world, huh?” Dean says, a little too loudly when he thumps Benny on the back. Benny grunts, giving a bit of a forced chuckle.

“Dean,” he greets. “I think I told you about this particular gin joint. Good to see you can actually clean up once in a while.”

“Ah, you know what, this monkey suit ain’t too bad,” Dean says, pulling at his collar.

You smirk in amusement. “Yeah, I remember how much you complained about wearing a simple tie for Robbie’s Christmas pageant.”

He smirks down at you. “Hey, ties still might not be my thing, but nothing wrong with a sharp collar.”

He pops his for emphasis. You don’t know why it makes you laugh, but it does. Maybe it’s just his face and the silly, endearing expression he makes when he pouts his lips in a “blue steel.”

“So, is this just a night out, or you guys celebrating something special?” Dean asks, gesturing at the champagne bottle and your full glasses of bubbly.

Benny gives his friend a certain look. “Yeah, as a matter of fact. Today’s three years.”

He takes your hand and kisses your knuckles. You smile back at him, though you’re a bit self-conscious at the way both he and Dean, and even Lisa have their attention on you.

“We should let you guys get back to it then,” Lisa says.

Honestly, it’s a relief. You and Benny nod, wishing them a goodnight.

For some reason, you notice how Dean’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. But he goes with Lisa, laying a hand on the small of her back. You force yourself to tear your eyes away from them and refocus on Benny. You take up your champagne glass and raise it in offering.

“All right, where were we?” you ask, if with a nervous trill in your belly.

Benny smiles. He takes up his glass and clinks it with yours.

Lisa nearly sighs. She and Dean are back in line at the front of the restaurant, waiting to be seated. The second time she catches Dean glancing over at the table where you and Benny sit, she shakes her head and digs into her purse for the valet card. She’s done with this.

“I think maybe we should go to a different restaurant,” she says.

That finally earns Dean’s attention, mostly confused. “What, why?”

She just gives him a long look.

He realizes that whatever her reasons are, it’s easier to just give in than to fight her on it. He’s learning when to pick his battles. Or is he just giving up?

Also, if tonight’s “the night” he thinks it is for you and Benny, maybe he doesn’t want to stick around after all. Three years, huh?

“All right, fine. Let’s go,” he agrees.

Dean and Lisa wait for the valet to bring the Impala around. The minute he gets behind the wheel and turns the key into the ignition, she changes her mind.

“Look, let’s just go home,” she says. “I don’t really feel like eating out anymore.”

Dean’s brows raise. “What? Aw, come on. We’re already dressed and everything. You look great, Lis. Just tell me where you wanna eat.”

Lisa remains firm, with a small shake of her head. “Please, Dean, just take me home.”

After a moment of indecision, Dean sighs. He revs the ignition and does as she says.

It’s only a fifteen-minute drive back to their apartment, but in that stifling silence, it seems to drag on for a small eternity. He glances at her a couple of times. Lisa has her arms crossed as she stares out the window, watching the other restaurants and mom-and-pops shops and forest trees and old houses of Lebanon, Kansas go by.

Dean counts it a blessing when they’re finally home. He walks up the few short steps up to their ground-floor apartment and unlocks the door. He flicks on the lights inside, and she breezes past him to toss her purse onto the couch.

Dean takes off his blazer and begins to undo the buttons on his cuffs. He watches her all the while, knowing that a storm is brewing. She shucks off her heels and slowly paces the living room on bare feet, like her whirling thoughts are fueling every step.

“All right, I give. What’s going on?” Dean asks. “What’d I do this time?”

She pauses, with her back turned to him.

Shit, he thinks. He shouldn’t have said it like that.

He prepares for the inevitable blow up, but it never comes. Lisa just heaves a sigh. Slowly she turns, and Dean’s shocked and dismayed to see the tears welling up in her deep brown eyes. He makes quick strides toward her, but she raises a hand to keep him at bay.

“Dean, when you picture yourself happy, truly happy,” she says. “Is it with me? Can you imagine yourself marrying me? Buying the house, having kids, growing old together?”

If Dean was thrown for a loop before, he’s even more stunned by her question. “Lis…”

“Just be honest, for once,” she pleads. Her tears begin to brim over, but she blinks, somehow keeping them at bay.

It’s a bit too long before Dean realizes that he can’t give her an answer. At least, not the one he knows she wants to hear.

When he thinks of that picture in his mind, of course he sees his son. But the only other person Dean can imagine there beside him is…

“I…” He wills his mouth to work, but nothing else comes out.

The only face he can conjure is yours. Your eyes are warm and welcoming, your smile as bright and contagious as your laugh.

The only voice he can hear is yours, gentle and strong at the same time.

The only one he can see is you.

He knows the shampoo you use and the perfume you like to wear, how the sweet and floral scents mix together and linger in your hair and on your skin.

Even now he remembers the contours of your body, and how it could fit so well against his. He knows that you used to try and hide your shape under loose, baggy shirts and cargo pants that did nothing for you. He knows how much courage it took you to wear that red dress to his brother’s party, because you told him once, at one of those Sunday dinners at your parents’ house.

Come to think of it, there’s not a whole lot that Dean doesn’t know about you, except maybe what you see when you look at him.

“You love her,” Lisa finishes for him. “I think you always have.”

Dean’s throat tightens. Somehow he swallows anyway, and he shakes his head. 

“Lisa, I loved you.”

“Maybe you did, in your own way,” she says, laughing a little through her tears as she wipes them away. “But you already have a family, Dean. Go fight for it.” 

Dean doesn’t know what to say, but he knows what he can do.

He goes to her and kisses her cheek. 

“I’m so sorry,” he says. 

Lisa merely nods, wiping her face dry. She watches Dean Winchester walk out of her apartment, and out of her life for good this time. 

Dean calls your cell, but it goes to voicemail. He drives all the way back to the restaurant and doesn’t find you or Benny there. 

Dean realizes that what he’s doing, what he plans to do, is not fucking cool. He wouldn’t blame you or even Benny for being severely pissed when Dean shows up. He also knows that he can’t let another day pass where he keeps lying to you, and himself. 

He eventually finds you at home. What’s weird is that Benny’s truck isn’t in the driveway—just your car. He knocks on your door, and he waits.

He unconsciously holds his breath while he waits in that terrible existence of limbo. However, his heart thrums back to life when he hears your footsteps drawing closer to the door. Anticipation, excitement, dread, it all roils together inside him like a bad cocktail as the door swings open.

And he’s once again rendered a bit breathless at the sight of you in that dress. The color alone appeals to him, let alone the way it accentuates your every curve, from full breasts to the swell of your hips, the softer slope of your thighs, and bare toes painted. You’re fucking delectable, every curve, and a temptation without you even meaning to be. 

You’re just…you’re still so goddamn beautiful, like the night he first saw you. Even now, he can almost feel the give of your thighs under his hands, his fingers pressed to supple flesh. 

But then he’s drawn to your face, and your wide eyes full of surprise. Your mascara is a bit smudged though. Your eyes are red too, like you’ve been crying. His brows furrow in concern.

“Dean, what’re you doing here?” you ask.

“I need to talk to you, but uh…did something happen?” he asks. “You okay?”

You’re reluctant to tell him. Did Benny say something to upset you? Or was it something he did?

“Yeah, I’m okay,” you say.

Instinctively, Dean knows it’s a lie.

“This isn’t a good time though,” you say, after clearing your throat. “Can we do this tomorrow, maybe?”

Dean leans a hand on the doorframe.

“Please, it’s important,” he says. His eyes implore you harder than his words. Please.

That does it. A sigh passes through your lips, but you let him in. He knows Robbie is with your parents for the night, which actually makes this easier.

Once he steps inside the apartment, Dean does notice that your bedroom door is open. Half the drawers to your dresser are open too, and empty. Certain frames that used to be on your coffee table are no longer there, like the one of you, Benny, and Robbie on a camping trip. 

“You want some coffee, or soda?” you ask. 

Dean declines and grasps your arm before you can busy yourself into “hostess” mode. He leads you to the couch, where you both sit down together.

“What happened tonight?” he asks. “Where’s Benny?”

Your lower lip wobbles, the beginning of your telltale cry face. Dean knows his son gets it from you, and it always breaks his heart. He squeezes your arm gently, trying to ground you.

“Benny proposed to me tonight,” you confess, taking in a sharp breath. “He proposed, and I couldn’t give him an answer.” 

You shake your head as the tears sting hot in your eyes. 

“He got so upset, he just—he left!” You throw your hands up. “But honestly, I don’t blame him.”

Dean tries to comfort you as you try and fail to wipe at your face. He wraps an arm around your shoulders, cupping your cheek to brush the tears away himself. 

“Why couldn’t you answer him?” he asks. 

You look up at Dean, and you finally notice the shine of hope in his eyes. Dean touches your cheek more tenderly. 

“Does it mean I have a chance here?” he asks.

Despite what your eyes tell you, you still gape at him in shock. “What? But…what about Lisa?”

“It’s over. For good this time,” Dean shakes his head. “I realized what I wanted for my life, and where my heart is…”

And he chuckles weakly. “Truth is, you’ve had it the whole time, sweetheart.”

You begin to crumble all over again. You pull away from him and his touch, because you can’t believe it. You cover your face with your hands, sniffling as you try to make sense of his words, his touch, and the warm flutter threatening to brim happiness in your heart.

“God, Dean. You can't just..."

"I mean it," he insists.

You're still reluctant to take him seriously...no matter how much you want to. It's a conflicting realization that hurts, and makes you feel stupid for taking so long to figure it out, and makes you hate yourself for hoping his words are true.

"Come the morning, you’re going to change your mind,” you reason, without looking at him. “Like you’ve done with Lisa a thousand times.”

“No,” Dean says firmly. He shifts closer and prompts you to look at him, really look at him.

“Not about this, and you know it,” he says, catching and holding your gaze. “That’s why you couldn’t say yes to Benny. Because you know what we’ve got. It’s the real deal.”

You still look uncertain, even though you can’t bring yourself to pull away this time. Dean has always had this way of looking into the very depths of you, like he can actually see every thought as it passes through your mind.  

“I should’ve said yes,” you say. “I can rely on Benny. I know he would stay by my side, and…and I know he won’t hurt me.”

Not like I’ve just hurt him, you think. Guilt still pricks at your heart. The last thing you ever wanted to do was lead him on, and yet, that’s what you’d done, wasn’t it? You thought you had loved him. You’re sure that you did, but maybe it just wasn’t the kind of love that could reach down deep and grab you, set your blood on fire, and make you ache when the burn was gone.

That spark licks across your skin when Dean takes your hands.  

“What if I want to be that guy for you,” he says.

You allow yourself to look at him. Really look at him.

You know Dean. When he gets an idea in his head, it inhabits every bone and shred of muscle in his body. There’s no mistaking his resolve, or the steady grip of his hands over yours.

“If you let me, I’ll stay. I won’t leave you,” he says. In his eyes, there’s a firm promise. “I can be the guy you rely on. The man you can trust. The man who’s gonna love you, come whatever. Because now I know what it means. I know how it feels.”

You bite your lower lip against the smile that wants to surface.

“Are you sure?” you ask.

Dean smiles for you. “If you wanna know the truth, I’m pretty sure I’ve been loving you since the day I heard Robbie’s heartbeat for the first time.” 

Your tears flow harder at that. A shaky breath escapes you, though it does nothing to steady you. Dean strokes your cheek gently with his thumb. 

“Please, just give me this one chance,” he asks. Begs, really. 

He doesn’t have to though. You nod, just a little. 

“Okay,” you agree. “Let’s try.”

Dean's smile spreads slow, but warm across his face. It’s your favorite kind, the kind that crinkles his eyes. 

He leans in and claims your lips with his own. The passion of it is familiar, but you don't think it’s the same as five years ago. Now, there’s an underlying note of tenderness in his touch and each new way he tastes you deeper. He holds nothing back this time, and neither do you. 

Your fingers tangle in his shirt, and then in his hair as you moan into his mouth. “Dean.”

“Yeah, sweetheart?” he answers against your lips, though he doesn’t give you much room to keep talking.

You haven’t heard him call you sweetheart in a long time. You feel your heart knitting back together, stitch by stitch. Tears sting in your eyes anew, but you squeeze your eyes shut against them.

“I…”

You can’t even continue the breathless thought. You hold his face desperately between your hands, pressing your forehead to his for a moment as you both catch your breath. But this man is like the sweetest, most seductive vice. Now that you’ve gotten another hit, you can’t resist. You no longer want to.

His arms wrap around you more securely, and he leans in to lure you back into his kiss. His tongue breaches past your lips to curl along yours with tantalizing strokes. His hands slowly move down your back and along your waist.

“Mmm, missed the hell outta this,” he groans into your mouth. Your heart flutters again at the way he holds you, the way his big hands squeeze you and feel you.

You let him guide you down onto the sofa cushions. He slots himself between your bare thighs and runs his hand up familiar smooth skin, bunching the skirt of your dress higher as he goes. He aims to get himself reacquainted with every soft part of you that welcomes him back.

For once, the gates around your hearts swing free. 

Dean never imagined that his own son would hand him the ring he gives to his wife, but today, it just feels like symmetry. He grins and winks at Robbie.

“Thanks, buddy,” Dean says.

His son’s beaming grin is wide and toothy, but the boy takes his job very seriously and delivers the other ring to you. You smile brightly and caress his cheek after you take the shining, white gold band from him. It matches the thinner band that Dean has for you; it'll soon join the engagement ring that once belonged to his mother.

Robbie had liked Benny a lot, but he loves his dad. He’s probably the happiest person in the room to see his parents take each other’s hands in front of the minister. 

Benny is understandably absent in the chapel today. You had met with him after that night of your botched anniversary to apologize to him, and so had Dean. Benny understood. He’d admitted that in the back of his mind, he feared this might happen.

“I wouldn’t blame you for being angry with me,” you said to him. “You can even hate me if you want.” Benny gave you a wry, melancholy sort of smile. “Part of me’s still mad at you, I won’t lie…but there’s no use in it. Not even hating you.”

Even though Benny bowed out, carrying his hurt and his grief on those broad shoulders, letting you go meant letting go of a friend too. He put in his paperwork to transfer out of Firehouse 83.

As he’d told Dean himself that day, and in fact, the last words Benny said to him…

“There you go, Lieutenant. A spot’s just opened up.”

Dean didn’t want to get promoted this way. He felt guilty enough as it was, and not just for Benny leaving the firehouse. Benny recommended Dean to the Chief himself though, saying that if they were going to give someone a Lieutenant’s badge, it may as well be the guy who got a perfect score on his test, and had the natural leadership skills to boot.

To the end, Benny was a gentleman.

Now, Sam beckons his nephew over. Robbie quickly goes to his uncle’s side and puffs his little chest out as he stands proud behind his dad. 

Dean is able to take you in, your beautiful white dress, and everything about you that makes him smile…including the way you smile back at him.

Man and wife is all he hears. It’s all he needs to hear, before he’s pulling you closer by your newly anointed hand. He dips you for a thorough kiss in front of all your family and friends. 

You squeal in surprise, making Dean smile hard enough for his cheeks to hurt. Giggling hard enough to make you tremble, you raise a hand to caress his cheek. But you give him another real kiss after he guides you back up to your feet.

“I love you,” you whisper against his lips. The words are just for him to hear. Dean pulls back enough to see the truth shining in your eyes. Beautiful.

“Can’t help it, right?” he teases. 

You smile in amusement, but you grab his chin and shake it. 

“You got me,” you reply. “I really, really can’t.”

Your beaming smile softens. Even though the entire room is clapping and hooting and hollering in celebration, in that moment, all you really see is Dean. 

Here in his arms, you know that this is where you were meant to end up. From now on, it’s where you’re meant to be.

AN: From Lisa and Benny to Robbie and everything in between. Dean and the reader certainly aren't perfect in this, but what do you think about how their story unfolded? I truly hope you guys enjoy this one, because I've had so much fun with it. 🥰❤️❤️‍🔥

So please let me know what you thought! 😘

⋆˙⟡ Keep Reading: The Epilogue

"Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you?"

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[writing-is-hard-af]

Apparently an unpopular opinion in the Fandom rn, but I actually think the lack of focus on characters besides Athena and Chim beyond the bits we get made sense. (Though, this opinion may shift if the next two episodes do not focus more on the other characters).

Because Athena and Chim were the ones most directly involved in Bobby's death, and I think they couldn't have logically focused on any other characters' grief above these two in this episode without it feeling disjointed. I understand the little focus we get on Eddie, Buck, and Hen's grief. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy we haven't seen it yet, but I do strongly believe that the next two episodes will dive into theirs more closely. Because this episode had to be about Athena and Chimney.

Chimney’s survivor guilt had to be addressed first because it would be tormenting him no matter how little he wanted to accept any of it. There was no logical way around that for his character.

We needed to see Athena process it all first because no matter how important Bobby is to the rest of them, he truly is most important to her, and she lost him right as they were about to start fully living their lives together on their own terms, their own soil. It’s tragic and painful and a cruel fate for him, but with it nonetheless happening, they had to focus on her most. And she deserved the focus of this episode. I get that the case/procedural kind of plot wasn't received super well, but I really do feel like it made some amount of sense. Could it have been told differently? Yes, I think they could've done a different case, a different person's grief. But I do think seeing Athena burying her grief in another person's and doing everything she can to help someone else and avoid her own is the only way they could have written her grieving in character. The way Athena has always coped in this show is by throwing herself into work, into helping other people resolve their struggles before she even tries to face her own. And while I think the specific plot was a bit odd of a choice for this kind of plot when Athena herself was not in a state of denial but rather avoidance, it truly showed the way Athena grieves. And while much of the funeral was rushed, not given the screen time it deserved, for any of them, the scene in Minessota was just. So achingly painful but beautiful at the same time. This episode was genuinely good and gutwrenching and the cast all did a phenomenal job with it.

This episode did not need scenes of Buck and Eddie's reunion, or much of their interactions. Not because it isn't important, but because this episode was not about their grief, not quite. I truly believe that theirs will be the focus of the last two episodes. This first episode after Bobby's death was about Athena. It had to be. And Bobby's death broke apart the team, it sent cracks between them. None of them were together when it happened. And honestly, I think that's part of the point of showing them individually grieving, splitting apart the grief. Because even though they are a family with and without Bobby, his death splintered them in a way that they are going to have to heal from and healing is not going to be something any of these characters immediately seek out others for. All of them, despite loving each other fiercely, have always stubbornly held their fears and pain within themselves to deal with alone.

Buck is clearly pushing his emotions as far down as possible to be there for the rest of them, because that's what he thinks Bobby told him to do. The others need him, so his grief comes last. Eddie wasn't there, his grief is so wrapped up in his own guilt that the grief is buried. Not quite denial, I think, but close to it. Hen is processing it, but she so clearly is in a similar boat to Buck, of burying her own feelings about it deep to try to be the steady rock for the rest of them. The three of them will have their grief, but truly I think theirs needed to be after the funeral, after he was buried and they all need to figure out how to go on, now that, in a way, it's really final, official.

This episode was Athena’s and Chim’s. The rest will come. And through that, they'll come out on the other side together. Pushing all of their grief into one singular episode would have been a disservice to them. And while sidelining main characters is not necessarily something I enjoy on this show, I do think in this specific episode, it made sense for the majority of it.

You don't have to agree with me. It's okay to be upset and angry, and I truly get it because I am too. But I also think we need to look a bit more into this episode beyond the idea that they didn't focus on these characters, and they added a plot beyond the funeral, so it's bad. Because there is more to what is there than what wasn't there yet.

[turnaboutfix]

Hey! Your blog makes me very happy, I love the relationship Phoenix has with Maya. However, I have a question about them in canon that I'm not sure who else to ask, it looks like you know a lot abt them and it felt like you were the person to go to. I hope you don't mind.

This sweet relationship they have, is it really like that in canon?

I've played the first trilogy and I really don't get the impression they're as close in canon as fanon says they are...?

Phoenix thinks rather poorly of Maya a lot. In 2-4 despite being so worried about her, he thinks he'd need to explain what a watch is to her, unlike Pearl, which kinda implies he thinks Maya's dumb. That's the case in which he's most worried about her too.

He ignores her during most of aa1, he's constantly body shaming her internally and out loud too. He calls her a glutton after she was starved for two days.

In 1-3 Maya's sprite has tears when Sal Manella harasses her and Phoenix ignores her too. In 3-2 he doesn't do anything again when Larry gets pervy with her, and in 3-3 he essentially offers her up so Kudo can perv on her too.

It isn't until 3-3 too that Phoenix realises Maya has a lot to think abt. Despite all she's gone through and him thinking to himself that Maya always gives him crucial evidence in 2-4 he thinks she's stupid or immature all the time.

I know he cares abt her cause he does a lot to save her a lot of times. But is the bond that deep if all the times Maya isn't in deadly danger (most of the time) Phoenix thinks so little of her out loud sometimes?

At the end of 3-5 Miles has a better understanding of why Maya is acting strong than Phoenix. Miles doesn't even know Maya that well by comparison, and he knows her so much better.

Don't get me wrong, I love Nick and Maya. But I don't see their relationship in canon as close as it is in fanon. I left the games with the impression that Phoenix is fond of Maya as Mia's little sister and a nuisance.

Ig I'm missing something. Ig I'm taking everything too literally or something, because I've never seen anyone share this view. I'm asking for your interpretation of their canon (game canon) relationship, since you have a better grasp on them than me. Thx

Hello there! I'm glad my blog makes you happy and I'm very flattered you came to me to ask this question.

Fanon certainly tends to mold these relationships into idealized, nuclear-family archetypes. This doesn't really match the games, but it brings a lot of people catharsis and I think that's great.

As for me, I don't know if I'd describe their relationship as "sweet". On top of what you've pointed out, Maya dunks on Phoenix's looks ("You're not very photogenic, are you?"), hits him with objects, insults his intelligence, what have you.

But on the other hand, they believe in each other. They stick together during their cases and give each other a push when they need it. Maya throws herself before MVK's taser. Phoenix rushes across a burning bridge. Maya gets herself arrested for contempt of court to help Phoenix save Edgeworth. Phoenix rushes to the train station so he can tell her that she's worth more than her spiritual power to her face. Phoenix nearly throws away his morals to save her life when she is kidnapped. Maya tells him to prove Engarde guilty knowing that it would mean her demise.

If I can talk about the Japanese version of the game for a moment, just the way they call each other illustrates their closeness. Phoenix calls her "Mayoi-chan", the "-chan" honorific being one of familiarity. But what's even more revealing is what Maya calls Phoenix, which is "Naruhodo-kun", what Mia addressed Phoenix as his boss. The "-kun" honorific being familiar as well as describing someone of lower rank. Phoenix never corrects this, and they call each other those names all the way through into Spirit of Justice.

And "close" doesn't mean "perfect". It doesn't even mean they don't go for months or even years without seeing each other. But they're always on each other's minds. Phoenix can't even get himself to work because Maya is away for training. While Maya is training, she thinks about Phoenix, that she'll return to him as what she believes is an improved version of herself, despite Phoenix telling her that she's already valuable.

This multifaceted nature of their relationship is what is interesting and endearing to me. They have flaws, a therapist would probably raise their eyebrows, but at the end of the day, they have a unique and firm bond.

And I love them, your honor.

[cate-planchette]

No, the OFers are also the pimps, because they get a cut of their recruitee's earnings. That's why they're doing it, they're not encouraging people to sign up for fun. Stop excusing people's immoral behaviours because those people happen to be women. And again, pimps do not get my sympathy. Yes becoming someone who exploits other people cancels out your own victim status, why wouldn't it?

Mia Khalifa is someone who had better options but chose porn, which you said did not exist. She's basically the flipside to Andrea Dworkin's Right Wing Women, who chose a husband over prostitution; she chose prostitution over a muslim arranged marriage. I have the same amount and kind of sympathy that Dworkin has for those women.

I don't think she deserves harrassment, but she's going to deal with being famous and degraded for the rest of her life because when she had different priorities, she degraded herself to make herself famous, and I'm not going to sit around pretending one isn't the direct consequence of the other. It doesn't even matter whether I'm sympathetic to her; sympathy is not activism, I might as well wish her thoughts and prayers; you are only pretending that sympathy means anything because it's all you've got to give you the moral high ground right now. I also think this is another example of feminism being redirected into meaningless bullshit that's easy - arguing against internet comments that are mean about Khalifa, which again are going to be endless pretty much forever - versus something practical like supporting Laila Micklewait, which has actually achieved results. Supporting Khalifa is basically virtue signalling, because doing so has literally no real world effect. There is other actually effective stuff you could do if you're anti-porn.

I don't think the harassment she gets justifies other women 'perpetuating the lie' of how the industry is to avoid it. If she exited the industry and still promoted it to others, or if she started doing that now because it reduced the harrassment against her, that would be immoral and I would have no sympathy at all for her. I can also have some sympathy and still not put much energy behind it because again, that is not productive. Sympathy is not activism. I don't need to do it and it doesn't matter if I don't; she should be committed to anti-porn activism independent of whether people are nice to her or not.

If you don't think detransitioners participated in the new system of gender role swapping as a way to get out of sexism, you haven't been listening to detransitioners.

It's quite obvious that whatever I say, you need to win this argument and will acccordingly respond to whatever argument is closest to mine that you can demonise, versus what I am actually saying.

As radfems I think we need to be more comfortable calling Liberal sex worker women class traitors.

Obviously I'm not speaking about women who've been trafficked or groomed into the industry, but the women who have made an informed choice to join the industry from a privileged position for personal profit whilst actively contributing towards women's sexual objectification.

I saw an tiktok about a woman who was disciplined in the workplace for wearing an outfit that was "inappropriate". The picture displayed an attractive woman in her mid twenties with a curvaceous figure, the dress itself while form fitting was full coverage. I've experienced a similar situation so I had a lot of sympathy.

And yet when I clicked on her tiktok to see if there were updates about the situation, I saw multiple videos of her being "confronted" by a voiceless HR woman, in outfits that got progressively more revealing. It turned out this woman was an OnlyFans creator who had fabricated this situation to drive traffic to her page, showed videos of her in lingerie in her "office" and videos of her being groped at her desk by a faceless male "coworker." Her office job was nothing more than set dressing for her to film her adult content. Yet she performed as a woman experiencing sexual harassment and discrimination by her workplace, something that truly happens to millions of women at some point in their careers.

This is just one of many examples of sex workers fetishising real life situations that happen to women. There are many more examples of women who style themselves to emulate teenagers or children, who make content simulating being assaulted or raped.

And yet I'm supposed to support these women? The woman who deliberately talk over impoverished trafficked women, and use their platforms to campaign against regulations such as the Nordic model that would make the industry safer because it would impact their revenue? The women who tout the industry as being empowering and glamorous to teenage girls, and encourage them to join? (Don't forget that OnlyFans has an affiliate programme where you can sign up under another creator while they gain a percentage of your earnings, similar to an MLM.)

I'm tired of saying I'm against the industry but supportive of sex workers. I am supportive of women and girls who are victims of the industry but I refuse to pander to women who will gleefully participate in an industry that dehumanises all women whilst using feminism as a get out of jail free card.

[jordiemeow]

headcanon of what supernatural being ATP would be? and how they would be w human reader?

yay ❤️ ok ❤️

honestly i could compare them all to soo many but for the sake of not yapping i’ll pick one for each

was stuck between vampire and mermaid for this one but i think tashi’s beauty + how alluring she was is integral to the story. the whole “sirens luring sailors to their death” thing except it’s the demise of art and patrick’s friendship. she has everyone in the story wrapped around her finger—art, patrick, all her peers at school. even brands are fighting to use her name at such a young age.

i think when tashi calls to you with her song, her intention is the same as always: luring sailors or stray wanderers on the beach to their deaths. but you're so naive and sweet that she can't bring herself to do it when you squat down at the water's edge to extend a hand to offer a shell you'd picked up earlier. after that, she continues to visit, sharing stories of life below the waves and bringing you her own gifts from below to compare with yours from the human world.

i know this was probably intended as more humanoid creatures but art is sooo dragon to me. he can be sly and deceitful, as seen when trying to orchestrate the downfall of patrick and tashi's relationship. maybe that's why he's attracted to patrick in the first place: flashy rich kid. and then tashi: beautiful, rich, talented woman. he’s a hoarder! wants things that most people can't dream of having. but his treasure is the people he loves (first patrick and then tashi.) and now you.

he doesn't like sharing. it's not in a "you're my property" kind of way. it's just that he's tied himself to you completely and losing you would be devastating to him. definitely not above manipulating you to keep you around... but at the end of the day it's done out of love. keeps you curled up with him and all of his other treasures. loves shiny things but as far as he's concerned you're more blinding than any goblet. breathes ice not fire. obviously.

or he’d be a cute little gnome to put in my pocket :3

guysss it’s not just bc he’s hairy i swear. only partly (i love patrick zweig bush). werewolves are very loyal creatures and pack-oriented; art and patrick were tied at the hip throughout their teenage years (and they bond for life.) something something something patrick stuck in wolf form without art/tashi and he only comes back to himself when he meets them again in 2019. that's why he's so happy to see them because they brought him back to humanity. do we see the vision or no

he'd be very protective over you, but even when he isn't in his canoid form he's like a big dog. always draped over you, very touchy and affectionate, and extremely scent-driven. has no issues whatsoever when your shower routine slips. in fact he probably encourages you NOT to use deodorant/perfume when it's just the two of you. avoids you during a full moon for your own safety and lays low for a few days, but sometimes he shows up in your doorstep all bloody and in dire need of medical attention, insisting he does not need you to call an ambulance. the first aid kit under your sink will do just fine.

[sage-nebula]

A topic of discussion in the fandom has been how the main characters have regressed since the Rising Volt Tacklers disbanded. Dot returned to spending all of her time in her room and only interacting via the phone and computer; Liko went back to school and Stepford Smiled her way through every day; and Roy . . . 's characterization is a bit messy right now, but one could argue that his regression is through his insistence on growing stronger and focusing on power. I myself don't really agree with that, but an argument could be made for it.

But what's interesting is that the newest episode shows that regression also hit Mollie in a big way, albeit one that was barely touched upon before the episode moved on. In a way, I do understand; just because I personally find the adult crew members of the Rising Volt Tacklers to be super interesting doesn't mean that the intended audience of children would. Additionally, since Mollie seems to have beef with her mother, it's possible they wouldn't want to show that in animation. (It is, perhaps, a reason why anime!Lusamine differed so drastically from SM!Lusamine, and even USUM!Lusamine.) But regardless, I do want to talk about it a little bit, since I absolutely love Mollie and I feel that Horizons is trying to juggle something with her that would be really good if they decided to go farther with it.

So, let's get into it.

Mollie comes from a family of Joys in the Johto region, a fact that was always glaringly obvious. (Not that she was from Johto, but rather, that she came from a family of Joys.) She left home at some point prior to the series because she wanted to be able to treat wild pokémon around the world, because they didn't have trainers who could bring them to a Center. Though we are given this reason in episode 11, in episode 3 we see that she doesn't even want to step foot inside a Pokémon Center, implying that she has some deeper, more difficult feelings surrounding the Centers and her family than she lets on.

She doesn't seem that upset, but given the large order, it hardly makes sense for her to have sent Liko in by herself if she wasn't opposed to entering the Pokémon Center for whatever reason. And I did double check; the Center that she sends Liko into in episode 3 is a different one than her family is shown to run in episode 94. So she doesn't want to enter any Centers, at all, regardless of the reason. (Liko theorizes that this is because she "doesn't want to be reminded of the career she left" in episode 11, but I'm not sure I buy that, since Mollie is happy as a Rising Volt Tackler.)

In episode 11, we're shown at the beginning of the episode that even though Mollie has left her family, she is still in contact with them; in specific, she's still in contact with her mother, who seems to be asking her to return home. Mollie refuses to do so and ends the call, and tells Orio that her mother is "worrying about her for the wrong reasons." There's a running theme in the episode about parents contacting their children out of worry, and Orio seems to feel like this is something that Mollie could stand to remember (and appreciate); but given that Mollie later compliments Liko on being able to talk things out with her father, and get him to understand that she needs to do her own thing, the implication is there that perhaps this is less about Mollie not understanding that her mother is worried about her, and more about some deeper rooted issues.

Finally, in episode 94 -- a whole 83 episodes later -- we finally meet Mollie's mother. And while she isn't presented as a cruel or uncaring parnt, she is presented as, well . . . a patronizing and potentially overbearing one.

She actually calls herself "Mama", rather than "Mommy", but this is still (in my opinion) an extremely patronizing way to speak to your adult daughter. She's essentially baby talking Mollie here. And while I don't think that she intended to be condescending, and while she certainly wasn't trying to anger her daughter . . . you can be condescending without intending to be. You can believe you're being kind, but still end up patronizing someone, and I feel that this is especially true when it comes to parents and their children, because even when their children are grown, sometimes parents have a hard time seeing it that way.

There are also implications to what she says next:

Mollie is an adult, and has been for some time. Yet her mother is saying she "really [is] all grown up now" that she has returned to the family Center. The implication here is that her mother may have seen her journey across the world (both before and after she joined the Rising Volt Tacklers) as a childish whim. This would pair neatly with her calling to check up on Mollie in the same way that Murdock was calling after the kids (and in a way that we don't see happen to the other adult crew members), and her patronizing word choice, referring to herself as Mama as though Mollie is still a young child.

The problem, though, is that Mollie isn't a child, and hasn't been for some time. While we don't have exact ages for the Rising Volt Tacklers, we saw Mollie as a young adult in the flashbacks with Sohdayo:

Given how young Friede, Orio, and Mollie all looked in flashbacks either around the time the RVT formed / soon after, we can safely assume that roughly a decade has passed since then. (Liko's age in Friede's flashback to when he met Cap also points to this; she looked like a toddler in the flashback, and is a preteen / young teenager when the series starts.) So if Mollie was around 18 - 20 when she joined the RVT, she'd be 28 - 30 when the series starts, and 30 - 32 now.

So for her mother to still baby talk to her, and to say that she's grown now, after she has returned home . . . the implication is that she didn't really see Mollie as an adult while she was adventuring (perhaps instead seeing it as something akin to childish / teenage rebellion), and on some level, she still doesn't see her as such now.

(And again, for great emphasis, I don't mean to make out that Mollie's mother is doing this out of malice; I'm merely pointing out that it does seem to be what she is doing.)

Meanwhile, from Mollie's perspective . . .

In episode 11, she tells Liko that she had her future already set in stone for her, at least from the time that she was Liko's age if not younger. She comes from a long line of doctors; it was always assumed that she was going to go into medicine and work at the Center, just like the rest of her family. And while she loves pokémon and clearly enjoys medicine, she also ended up realizing on her own that working at the Center didn't make her happy. The thought of wild pokémon suffering was too much for her to bear. (Which could potentially point toward anxiety problems, but that's an issue to discuss another time.) But leaving the Center means leaving the family business, and doing so even though her mother continuously calls to ask when she'll be returning home . . . to which Mollie doesn't say never, but just says later. This, coupled with the fact that she compliments Liko on being able to have an honest conversation with her parents, indicates that perhaps Mollie didn't exactly have an honest conversation with her own before she decided to bail.

And then we get this little tidbit in episode 94:

Mollie, it seems, feels stifled and controlled by her mother. It does seem as though her mother is the one running the show at the Center, but I think the issues run deeper than that. Mollie is implied to have not been able to have an honest conversation with her mother about why she left in the first place; she was never ever to tell her mother flat-out that she wasn't going to return to the family Center even though she was happy traveling around the world with the RVT and didn't seem to want to stop until they had to; and she tells Liko that her path had been decided for her, that the only reason she hadn't thought about what she wanted to do was because she was never really given the opportunity to.

I can't stress enough that I don't think Mollie's mother treated her with any kind of malice. She does seem genuinely worried about Mollie's health when she urges her to stay and rest instead of running into the forest, and she does give a sort of fond smile when Mollie runs off anyway. To her, this is probably another example of her daughter's impetuous (and therefore childish) will. But laying on expectations that your child will follow in your footsteps, and centering everything in their life around that, can end up feeling suffocating and controlling to your child. Mollie can't see that her mother loves and wants what's best for her, because it's clouded by the fact that her mother had decided her life for her and is now complimenting her on once again putting herself back on that path. Mollie echoing, "Really grown up now . . ." feels, to me, like she's questioning what her mother has said; like she recognizes what implications are there, and that they don't sit quite right with her. It's likely the reason why she snapped at her mother to let her do what she wants on her free time, at least, because her mother's words (unintentionally) rankled something deep within her.

But although she says this, and although she had avoided Centers for years . . . when the RVT fell apart, she did still decide to return home. She did still decide to return to the place where her mother treats her like a child, and place herself back on the path that had been decided for her in childhood. And at the end of the episode she decides to stay there, claiming that she is learning a lot there (something I question given that she spent her entire childhood and adolescence there -- how much more experience can she gain there rather than traveling?). The fact that she says she'll leave only if the Brave Asagi gets up and running again indicates, to me, that this is indeed a regression; not just a regression in how her own mother is treating her (because it's sort of implied her mother treated her like this all along), but in the fact that she's tolerating it. In the fact that she returned there at all, instead of traveling on her own to do what she had decided to do even before she joined the RVT.

And the truth is . . . this aspect of Mollie's story is one that I feel a lot of adults (young and middle-aged) could relate to nowadays. How many adults have had to return home after college, because they're saddled with debt and no job (or a job that doesn't have a high enough salary to let them support themselves)? How many parents continue to coddle them because of that, seeing them as children despite their age because of the fact that they're living at home again? And how frightening might it be, to venture out again without a guarantee of success, because you don't want to fail again?

Perhaps I am reading too much into it, but that's how Mollie's situation reads to me. She's hit a stage of regression (and depression) herself, but she's trying to make the most of it, or at least put on a brave face for the kids when they're in town. I really hope that the kids beeline for Orio and the Brave Asagi next, so that we can get the crew back in action.

[twilight-zoned-out]

With the Thunderbolts being promoted as the New Avengers, I wanted to see where they would "fit" with the original lineup.

Bob/Sentry - Bruce Banner/Hulk: Bob and Bruce share similar backgrounds and similar "uncontrollable" powers, except the other Thunderbolts seem much more sympathetic and understanding to Bob than the Avengers so hopefully he won't be done as dirty as the MCU did Hulk.

Ava/Ghost - Natasha/Black Widow: Despite there being an actual Red Room person on the team, I think Ava fits the technical slot of Black Widow more. She's good at sneaking into and out of places and can usually find a "last minute" escape for her teammates against the odds. She's reliable but, like Natasha in the earlier films, her teammates wondered about her ulterior motives. Like Nat, Ava also has difficult getting close to others, though in this case it's additionally because of her particle instability.

Alexei/Red Guardian - Thor: Both Alexei and Thor reminisce on their past conquests, holding them in high regard. They also feel a strong duty to their homeland. Like Thor, Alexei is the most openly friendly and carries humor similarly to how Thor would in previous films, sometimes at the expense of being tone deaf to his teammates. Thor was also from a different planet, though, so Alexei is slightly more socially aware.

John Walker - Tony Stark/Iron Man: Self-important, concerned with his own image, kind of a nuisance to deal with, but also "the best" at what he's supposed to do. Deals with a lot of personal issues that the other teammates don't realize (unless someone like Bucky reveals them). Often brings up useful information and strategy. Also, based on his turnaround from FatWS to Thunderbolts, he might end up having the most character redemption/transformation out of the group (depending on however long they intend to use these characters, which will hopefully be a good amount of time).

Bucky Barnes - Steve Rogers/Captain America: Bucky and Yelena were the biggest toss-up between Cap and Hawkeye, but I decided that Bucky is still essentially the main strategist and leader of the group. He's the one who got everyone to their location, he's a super-soldier who wants to se his talents to help but gets fed up by bureaucracy, and it's sort of understood in the group that he has his own private life that doesn't really overlap. He's shown along with Yelena to have the most competent leadership during the end credits, and he's the most well known (aside from John Walker) to the in-universe public, so he has the "oldest" reputation to deal with when he interacts with others.

Yelena - Clint Barton/Hawkeye: Yelena is the glue. Her and Bucky are shown as the most active leaders in the end credits, but she's not flashy in the way that Tony Stark was. She's exceptionally skilled and well-rounded in both strategy and fighting, but her strongest asset is being able to communicate with others. Clint was the most "human" of the group, and he helped keep all of his teammates' personalities from blowing up against each other. Every time he left, the Avengers imploded. Clint was also the most willing to offer second chances, and Yelena shares that willingness to risk herself to help someone else. Like Clint, she doesn't always immediately jump to fighting; she tries to reason with others if fighting isn't necessary. She's the most emotionally open; she realizes and begins to prioritize real relationships and a life outside of the job.

[communist-ojou-sama]

I know that many different varieties of arabic are mutually unintelligible, which practically makes them different languages (although Maltese is the only one that is actually considered a different language). Are the dialects of levantine arabic in Lebanon and Palestine mutually intelligible, or are they also practically different languages?

Honestly I think that this notion is way overstated now that I know more about arabic. So, no, for one thing Syrians, Lebanese, Palestinians, and Jordanians generally have no trouble understanding one another (with perhaps the minor exception of the Aleppo dialect, though obviously people from Aleppo also know how to speak to make themselves understood to other Syrians and therefore other people in the Levant). But more pointedly, this notion that various kinds of 3amiyyah are "mutually unintelligble"... isn't really true? Like. It's kind of true, they have different grammar and lexicons to an extent, and if you were to take two elementary school-age children, one from Casablanca and the other from Baghdad, and put them in a room alone, surely they'd have a great deal of difficulty communicating with one another.

However,

Now take a medical researcher or doctor from Casablanca and put her in a hospital in Baghdad. Would she find herself with no capacity to communicate with the other doctors or patients about matters of medicine? As I understand it: no. All of the technical vocabulary that doctors on both sides would be familiar with is derived from the same learned borrowings from MSA. Take a political scientist or historian from Baghdad and teleport her to a university in Casablanca. Would she be wholly unable to converse with her colleagues there about the mechanics of history or the nuances of political economy? No, in fact she could probably do so fairly seamlessly with only a few minor adjustments. Because again: all the crucial vocabulary for discussing these things, even in a relaxed setting, most of it comes from al-FuS7a. Indeed, the only communication that would be impossible for two people taken at random from opposite sides of the Arabic-speaking world are the most casual, most intimate kinds of speech, the kinds of speech you would never be engaging in with a stranger to begin with. So in what real sense are the various varieties of Arabic "not mutually intelligble?" If you take a girl from Casablanca and move her to Baghdad, she'll have trouble understanding the other kids at first but, over time, the friends that she makes will form a beautiful compromise between their Arabic and her own that will only grow more substantial and more natural as that friendship grows with it.

[eveningspirit]

ETA: Caveat. I don't go to twitter, that instagram discussion app, or any other forum things (reddit, it's called reddit). Or tik-tok. Regarding fandom I only see what's here on tumblr. So, if someone is talking about infantilizing Mel in reaction to things said over there, we are probably talking about different things.

Read this with a grain of salt (or pepper) if that's the case.

(now the actual post:)

I do not, can not understand, why people say that headcanoning Mel King as asexual is infantilizing her.

Isn't it you, people saying that, who are infantilizing asexual people?

Hello. Having physical, sexual attraction to another person is not a mark of maturity. It's not what defines adulthood.

Melissa King is a competent, confident doctor. A sole caregiver to her sister. A person self-aware enough to know when she needs to take a break and look at the lava lamp app on her phone, or listen to ambient noises. She knows how to self-regulate. She knows when she likes another person. She knows that she has to mask to be accepted by her peers, even if she can't find that user manual on "how to be normal" that everybody else most people have read somehow (don't @ me, that's how I feel in this world and damn, even in this fandom). She longs for people with whom she wouldn't have to mask, and sometimes she chooses to let go of the mask and just be herself, all opinions be damned. She does her chores. She knows what makes her happy.

She doesn't need to be sexually active to be an adult. She can be, sure. You may write / enjoy reading / make all kind of art about her being sexually active. I don't mind that at all, you do you.

But think twice, before you say that people headcanoning her as asexual are infantilizing her, because it says more about you, than about us.

(Same goes for romantic attraction btw. I headcanon Mel as aro-ace. And trust me, nowhere am I infantilizing this smart, strong, vulnerable when she can and with a very unique sense of humor, beautiful woman)

[ideas-on-paper]

I never knew the journal was supposed to be an actual in-game item! That's pretty interesting.

Maybe it's just how I interpreted this, but when I was reading the artbook and saw Sophia with the journal, I couldn't help but be reminded of my theory that LoP's story was basically "scripted" by Sophia.

The gist of it is that I think Sophia may have tried out multiple realities (by turning back time again and again) to see if there was some way to stop Simon, until finally settling on the reality we experience in the game. (Also not optimal because Krat still got destroyed, most citizens died, and Carlo and Romeo suffered terrible fates, but Sophia eventually decided to swallow the bitter pill.) As such, Sophia practically "wrote" the story of Lies of P from the start, as this entire timeline wouldn't exist without her doing.

Also, this is pretty interesting in relation to Overture: Something I've been wondering is whether the reality of Overture might've been the original reality of the LoP universe, before Sophia altered it. As such, everything we see in Overture would have practically never existed in the "standard" LoP universe, since this entire original timeline/reality was basically erased.

Actually, maybe this is the reason why the Black Seaside memory about the Legendary Stalker finding dead Carlo is the only one that's colored red, and all the others are blue - since it's the only memory from the original timeline, and all the others are from the timeline that Sophia "engineered"? (This would also mean that all the memories about the Charity House we see - Sophia introducing Carlo to Romeo, Carlo asking the Legendary Stalker for training, etc. - essentially aren't "real" in the reality of the DLC, and we might experience a different story altogether.)

Going by the theory of a friend of mine, it's even possible Sophia herself might not have existed in the timeline of the DLC - some people have theorized that Lea might be Sophia's twin sister or her mother judging by her hairstyle, but my friend had the wild idea that Sophia and Lea might actually be identical - and after the story of Overture, she went through a complete metamorphosis from Lea to Sophia due to Simon's experiments. (This would also mean that in the normal LoP universe, the Legendary Stalker never existed - she is, quite literally, just a legend.)

(Also, on a side note, this might be the reason why Carlo's presumed coat is colored differently than the Blue Blood's Tailcoat, despite the similar cut. It might be the same coat, but from a different timeline.)

About the dates: Since the second to last digit on the plaque at Krat Central Station isn't clearly visible, it could be either 1989 or 1999; one date from Descartes's Note is 189X, however. That would have been when the puppets started to go crazy, and from what we can gather from the game, the exhibition never took place because of the frenzy, so the time window between the planned date of the exhibition and the date in Descartes's Note can't be too long (it might've even been the same year).

It would be nice if they revealed the actual year in the DLC though, if only to make it easier to make sense of the timeline. xD

Sophia and her journal

left, from the artbook and on the right, artist Dan Zollinger's illustration for the LP sleeve of the official Lies vinyl release. (but I think this artist was likely given this material to reference when he was commissioned)

I recall there were a couple of blogs who datamined "sophia's diary" from the game files on a couple of instances. (taken from this post here, from @amorganva ). but what's the item to the left of the pocketwatch? [edit: I see now that it's a pen! the scaling was messing me up. You can see sophia holding it in the artbook render as well. I thought it was a sword or something XD]

What's interesting to me is she's posed with the journal. It seemed so central to her character and her design, but it's completely gone in the final release.

I wonder if they were initially implying that sophia was the author of pinocchio in this universe, or something. What was so important about the journal?

You want to know the year?

I notice when we play the game, (maybe I'm completely wrong or they patched it out ?) , but iirc oftentimes the years would be scrubbed out. Like the Descartes note had 18XX or something, and certain dates and times would be XX/XX. I thought this might be the devs wanting to keep an ambiguous "floating timeline" for game reasons.

But the grand exhibition year digit is clearly visible. We don't know when exactly we wake, but the year the failed exhibition took place is very definitively 1889. (Or 1899? I seem to recall the dates in LOP are listed as 188x however )

In the overture trailer - "You want to know the year?"

I think in the year LoP takes place, it is roughly a year later at 1890 (when P wakes up). And P wants to know if he's been taken back to 1889. There is some conversation in the fanbase around the exact timeline of events in LOP, It's safe to say LOP might be stretching the logic of some events for game purposes (the 30 year timeframe seemed quite accelerated to me personally)

but now I wonder if the EXACT year is going to be revelatory somehow, or revealed in the DLC. like, maybe it's more important than we think?

[There are other strange anachronisms in LOP. Simon's tower, and the devices on the counter with Paracelsus at the end.]