#she came straight from work

[anna-scribbles]

regained my 12 year old swag(read an entire new percy jackson book in one sitting)

[feroluce]

I wonder which of these two learned it from whom?

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[throwdownyourheart]

…

[mishkakagehishka]

"We're old moms, we can't wait to stop breastfeeding so we can get [very excited, shrill even] botooooox!!!"

We are never making it out of the patriarchy.

[thefloatingwriter]

wiress with cats.

[songsofbloodandwater]

Witches, I'm going to need you all to learn to discern the type of source you're getting your information from, and what kind of biases are associated with it. Don't just gobble it up because it's a "historical source" or from some sort of anthropological source either.

Historical sources are great. But if the person you're taking as an authority to learn from, is someone originally from a different country and culture to the one you intend to learn, someone that talks about it in third person all the time, practically reading word for word from a christian missionary's manuscript about pre-christian traditions and beliefs, and a translation at that? because they admit that don't even speak the native language of that tradition or culture...?

They may be very well researched, on english sources at least. But I still wouldn't take them as a proper authority on the matter. They're speaking from what they've read from very biased sources. That's practically hearsay. They're not first hand experiences. Not even second-hand, because it's what an outsider to that culture saw, and very likely misinterpreted, because of their own cultural differences as an outsider, and then may even have altered some more because of their goal as a missionary. An here you come, modern reader, to try to interpret these older texts with your modern eyes, maybe even from a completely different culture to the first two involved aswell, making it a double or triple conundrum of time, culture and sociohistorical context, yet again. That is, without taking into account your own individual biases towards the text you're reading and what you expect to find, or do, for your own personal goals. Multiply all that for the amount of people standing between you, and that original first-hand account. You see the problem?

The least the author can do in such cases (because sometimes, that third-hand account really is all we have access to in the present) is 1) acknowledge how the sources they're using are biased, and 2) beware the reader on how those biases may have affected the material you're reading, to somehow be able to infer what the original would've looked like without that effect. You may want to take it a step further and consider your own sociocultural position, and how it could affect your personal interpretation upon reading it. If the author(s) don't even mention biases...? and even try to pass it all off as "certainty"...? 🚩🚩🚩

Take everything from that author with a mountain of salt. Consider it entertainment, maybe inspiration, anything except treating it as "professional" or "expert work"... as I see some people doing.

And always prioritize first-hand sources. Always. Prioritize. First. Hand. Sources. Talk to a native from that area, learn the language of the culture or tradition you're interested in, really immerse yourself in it, and you'll have an easier time spotting bullshit.

[danzsoldier]

y’all what happens if a worker drone’s core gets eaten cuz uh. I just realized Solver ate Doll’s core

[bacchuschucklefuck]

but also literally the fact that jack manhattan stands up the hotel gift shop like right after/before she gets mad at liv. Paula baby be an adult. I love to watch them all spiral but i really do hope we get a liv confrontation moment

miss paula "slams screens down laptop style the moment she sees something she doesn't like to confront on them" donvaldson we can one day get there together I believe in you

[todayisafridaynight]

i HAVE to keep the daigo plush locked away lest i squeeze it every five minutes to alleviate the cuteness aggression i feel whenever i see it

[clowngremlin]

my need to always be wearing an overshirt (hawaiian or flannel) vs the fact that i am super prone to heat exhaustion.....fight!

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

[mer-se]

please pick friends u can argue or have misunderstandings with and actually communicate with immediately after like, it’s so fucking important

[x-for-a-y]

"Hey, Jake! Would ya help a curious guy out and answer a question for me?" Guptill hits him with a smile- one landing more on the side of appraising than friendly, but hell if he's one to judge people's social skills. "What landed you in this diary anyway?"

Now there's something Jake hasn't given thought to in a hot minute. "Oh, it was... weird. Like, uh, not explained very well." But here he is trying to do it anyway. "I just was on... the night shift at my job, and a client's, uh, wife, said some weird stuff to me. I wasn't even trying to be funny, but... then I guess word got out about that-"

He's heard enough. "That's it? He got mad at you over just a workplace incident?"

"I don't know if 'mad' is really the word for it." He's a teenager or something, right? He probably knows nothing about insurance.

Guptill's indignation is so righteous it somehow slips right around into being charismatic. "Still, that's nothing! Boy, it really drives me up the wall the way people make mountains out of molehills."

Jake extends a lazy glance from side to side, calling attention to their surroundings too subtly to do much good. "I'll say," whenever he has anything worth saying.

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

fyi: if you’re a straight “ally” and in a relationship with someone who you know is homophobic, you’re not an ally.

[stardustedknuckles]

Most of my coworkers are babies. 19, 20, 21 and they eat like shit. Sat down with one last night and her dinner was a bag of goldfish and a rice krispies treat and I was like. What the fuck. And she goes "oh I have a poptart too!"

I gave her a package of crackers because I had a box of them but anyway I am going to feed these children the way my professor fed me in college when I was eating the same way. The bread and peanut butter/jelly I keep in my locker is about to be communal. Eat, damn you.