#semblance of the soul
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
aspoonofsugar · 1 year ago
Text
Weiss's Design
Here comes an appreciation post of our Snowhite's beautiful design! This is also the third installment of my RWBY design series, after Yang and Blake's analyses. As per usual, it uses ideas shared in other Weiss's metas. Enjoy!
Tumblr media
A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE
Monty Oum's early sketch depicts Weiss as a living snowflake:
Tumblr media
This is because Weiss's design plays with the idea of "a special snowflake" in two different ways:
"snowflake" is a derogatory term for a person, who is entitled, oversensitive and easily offended; it also holds some political implications linked to white privilege
snowflakes are famous for having unique structures, so each one is different from the others
Weiss is initially a stubborn and pampered heiress, who feels superior because of her name. Still, she is deep down frail and needs to build her own distinctive identity.
These two sides of our Snowhite are conveyed by the Schnees' semblance:
Tumblr media
Glyhps are snowflake-shaped and they represent:
the family privilege, as they are inherited by all the Schnees - they are a magical projection of the family crest
the potential of each Schnee to grow into their own person - they gain more complex and individual designs with time
In short, Weiss is a special snowflake, for better or worse. She can give in to her father's mentality and be defined by her name. Or she can step into the world and discover who she is outside her family:
Winter: It sounds to me like you have two choices in front of you. You can either call Father, beg for his money back, and explain once more why you would want to study at Beacon over Atlas, or you could continue to explore Remnant, discovering more about the world and honestly, more about yourself.
Let's see what Weiss's design says about her choice.
SNOW PRINCESS
Let's consider Weiss's concept art:
Tumblr media
And let's compare it to Winter's:
Tumblr media
The two sisters appear similar:
their color schemes are the same
they look like royalty
they share glyphs as their semblance
they fight with swords
They are designed this way to show that Weiss looks up to Winter and tries to emulate her. This is clear if one considers Weiss and Winter's allusions: Weiss alludes to Snowhite, while Winter alludes to the Snow Queen. And yet, when one looks at Weiss's concept art, it is easier to see the Snow Queen's inspiration, rather than Snowhite's:
She looks like a snowflake
She is the color of ice and snow
She wears a crown, like a queen
Glyphs resemble the Snow Queen's power to turn snowflakes into animals
It is as if Weiss's true self (Snowhite) is hidden behind a mask (the Snow Queen). This conveys Weiss's insecurity, as she is caught between the weight of the family crest (a snowflake) and her idolisation of Winter (the Snow Queen). She is a Snow Princess, who needs to decide which kind of Queen she'll be. Either an Evil Queen like Jacques or an Ice Queen like Winter.
Still, Weiss is her own person and this comes to the surface in her final design:
Tumblr media
The main differences with the first version are:
Her bangs and pony-tail do not part in two sides
She has a scar on her left eye instead than a beauty mark
Her necklace is an apple instead of a tear-drop
She has no tear-drops dangling from her sleeves
The golden circles on her bolero become silver and she gains silver decorations on her boots
Weiss loses her tear-drop motif and her color-scheme gets simplified. This gives her more Snowhite-like details:
The apple on the necklace alludes to the poisoned apple
The scar on the eye alludes to the magical mirror cracking
The final design only has black, white (silver) and red, which are Snowhite's defining colors
Moreover, Weiss's appearence grows more asymmetric. Her hair is not perfectly parted, but worn in a side pony-tail. This symbolizes Weiss's struggle against Jacques's expectations. Similarly, the elegant beauty mark is changed with a scar. This gives Weiss more personality and shows that behind the princess there is a fighter.
In short, Weiss's Vale design shows glimpses of our girl's true self. However, they are hidden by the cold ice covering Weiss's soul. Luckily, the Spring Arc comes and the ice melts.
MELTING ICE
In Mistral, Weiss leaves her white dress behind and wears a blue outfit:
Tumblr media
This happens because our snowflake is slowly melting into water (white > blue), so that she can become herself. In order to do so, though, she has to first lose all the superficial things that define her identity:
Jacques: You are no longer the heiress to the Schnee Dust Company.
Weiss sees herself as the SDC heiress, so the story takes away her title.
Vernal: Your sister isn't in Mistral anymore. No one is coming to rescue you.
Weiss sees herself as Winter's little sister, so the story has her separated from Winter.
Thanks to this, Weiss faces herself and discovers who "just Weiss" is:
Vernal: Let's see what the Schnee name really means. Weiss: I'm more than a name.
This transformation is mirrored by Weiss's design. She loses all the superficial references to Snowhite:
she wears no apple anymore
she has no black-white-red color pattern
Still, her fairy tale emerges strongly in her glyphs, as she learns to summon:
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Weiss's avatars are Snowhite's characters:
The Boarbatusk is the Hunter, who is famous for killing a boar
The Knight is the Prince, who saves Snowhite from the glass coffin
The Queen Lancer is both the Evil Queen and the New Queen Snowhite becomes at the end
Weiss loses all she has to be reborn anew. Similarly, her design is stripped of all the Snowhite's allusions, only for them to be expressed more clealry and in a deeper way by the evolution of her semblance. Weiss's magical snowflakes aquire unique patterns that refer to her personal story.
This process of refinement climaxes in volume 5. Here, Weiss dies, is resurrected and crowns herself queen by summoning the Queen Lancer. This Grimm represents who Weiss truly is. She is neither the Evil Queen, nor the Snow Queen, but a Royal (a queen), who is also a Knight (a lancer). She is a Queen Knight.
After this metaphorical coronation, Weiss starts showing her interiority outside. This is why she gains back her two missing colors in her journey to Atlas:
she wears a red scarf
she wears black thights
She is back to look like Snowhite (black + white + red)!
Interestingly, both the scarf and the thights are items worn to stay warm. In short, the closer Weiss gets to her Icy Kingdom (Atlas), the more she shows her true warm self (Snowhite).
QUEEN SNOWHITE
Tumblr media
Weiss's Atlas design has three layers to it:
it is queen-like
it is Snowhite-like
it has all the colors of the previous outfits
1- Weiss gains a silver tiara with red gems. It is bigger and more refined than the old one because Weiss has grown. She isn't a princess anymore. She is a queen.
2- Weiss wears Snowhite's three colors: a white dress, black gloves and red jewels. interestingly, black and red are not covered by white. The ice is melted and Weiss's different shades are now out in the open. What is more, Weiss's outfit is similar to her Disney's counterpart:
Tumblr media
Disney-Snowhite wears a dress with blue puffed sleeves, which are present in Weiss's Atlas design. There is no risk to confuse our girl with the Snow Queen anymore:
Tumblr media
Weiss is not Winter's imitation, but her own person. She is 100% Snowhite.
3 - Weiss's clothes are white, black, red and light blue. These are all the colors worn by her throughout the story. In addition, there is a warmer shade of blue, which shows the cold is gone once and for all. These palette symbolizes Weiss's different parts coming together into a more beautiful and stronger person.
This fits Weiss's new summon:
Tumblr media
The Nevermore combines all the other glyphs. It is the final form of Weiss's inner snowflake and the culmination of her growth. Aesthetically, it gives Weiss an angelic look, which brings to mind the final inspiration of her design.
MAGICAL SNOW ANGEL
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Oh look! Weiss looks like Sailor Moon! This isn't by chance, as Weiss is inspired by the magical girl genre. Magical girls are heroines, who:
transform into ideal versons of themselves
fight metaphors of human emotions in the form of monsters
purify people's hearts
Weiss is the same, but the first heart she needs to cleanse is her own:
Mirror, tell me something, Tell me who's the loneliest of all? Fear of what's inside of me; Tell me can a heart be turned to stone?
Yes, it can:
Tumblr media
Pure Heart Crystal (Sailor Moon)
Tumblr media
Soul Gem (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)
A gem standing for one's heart is a pretty common trope in magical girls' stories. Not only that, but the corruption and healing of these stones come up often. Well, Weiss's heart is a snow-crystal, which needs to be melted and rebuilt into a unique structure.
Weiss purifies it by fighting her inner demons in the form of Grimms. As a matter of fact these monsters symbolize humanity's darkness, so they are the perfect enemy for a magical girl. Weiss defeats them and makes them white like snow. She integrates them and the struggles they represent into herself. Through this process, she slowly changes into her ideal self. She doesn't need a spectacular transformation sequence because her evolution happens inside. It is slow, but deep and here to last. After all, the heart is irreplaceable:
Everyone is entitled to their own sorrow, for the heart has no metrics or forms of measure. And all of it… irreplaceable.
Hearts are like snowflakes because there are no two, which are the same. Weiss learns this lesson and starts teaching it to others. This is how she heals hearts. Empathy is her superpower. Thanks to it, she is ready to save her family legacy:
Weiss: I will not be defined by my name because I will be the one to define it.
Weiss's first step is to define herself outside the Schnee name. Her second step is to give the Schnee name a new meaning. She first refines her heart. Then she cleanses her surname. From her inner snowflake to the family crest. That is the kind of magical girl she is.
In a sense, she is stepping into Nicholas's footsteps. He purifies minerals into Dust. She purifies stones into souls. From Saint Nicholas to Snow Angel.
MAGICAL QUEEN SNOWHITE
In conclusion, Weiss's design describes her evolution in three ways:
She goes from being a snowflake (derogatory) to being a snowflake (unique)
She grows from a princess into a queen
She leaves the Snow Queen behind and becomes Snowhite
This refinement process is nothing, but her magical girl transformation.
182 notes · View notes
lovingdabeessss · 10 months ago
Text
Yang xiao long has her mothers eyes when she is desperate and her lovers when she is kind welcome to my ted talk-
121 notes · View notes
cannibal-nightmares · 7 months ago
Text
Tumblr media
"just trade your dreams with mine."
60 notes · View notes
lesbianneopolitan · 8 months ago
Text
Tumblr media
Concepts for the Exorcist AU go brrrr
48 notes · View notes
spottedenchants · 6 months ago
Note
**CR C3 Spoilers** So I was just reading “Just a Little Bit Longer, Love” in your TS series and in Chapter 3, when Essek’s teasing Caleb with all the names of his many aliases/disguises, you included: “Maybe Journey, or Seth?” Did you… did you somehow PREDICT his Cobalt Soul disguise???! 👀
okay short answer: no, not really xD
Seth (the name) is 100% from C3 ep94, and TS!Essek has had a Cobalt Soul persona in the bg of the the series for (irl) years. 'Prediction' feels like it requires some narrative foresight- I just wanted to make Essek do some community service xD
long answer with its own tl;dr:
One thing I like about fanfic is that it's a very fluid medium. One thing I like about writing TS as a non-chronological series is that fluidity is inherent to the 'overarching' story I am telling- it's like revisiting and revising memories. I'd like to think of TS as being canon-adjacent or canon-compatible, and I do on occasion edit minor details when something comes up in CR canon that I would like to include in the series. For example, the Nein Heroez is destroyed in Mighty Nein Reunited, so I went back through the series and renamed the ship to the Nein Heroez II because I thought the original getting destroyed was interesting while also still being very fond of its name.
'Seth' is not a name I came up with as an alias for Essek- that 100% came from C3 ep94. In fact, the original name I had there in Just a Little Bit Longer, Love was 'Tristan', an alias I have never used in TS save for that singular instance and thus far have not even drafted/planned anything for beyond a rough concept you can find on this post here.
THAT SAID (<- getting excited)
For the longest time, I have had TS!Essek doing Cobalt Soul work alongside Beauregard and Caleb in the background of the series (in the bg because idk how to write the work he is doing in an interesting way yet) and I am absolutely thrilled that Essek might be pursuing a similar path by 843 PD in CR canon AND that other people seem enthused about the idea too!
'Seth' as a concept (divorced from Cobalt Soul things) has helped me work through some open-ended tangles I've been picking at in my WIP pile for ages, such as Arc 2 TS!Essek being displeased when maintaining his persona of Phillip Sommer for prolonged periods of time. Phillip Sommer was drafted to be TS!Essek's main face in the Empire and thus his Cobalt Soul persona. However, all of TS!Essek's personas are gifted by his friends, kindly, yes, but gifted just the same, and that means none of them are Him- they don't look like him, their names don't sound like his, they are Different People. So 'Seth' slots in very nicely and I am Very excited to carve into TS!Essek's sense of self as it relates to 'Seth'.
TL;DR: While I do edit minor details like Tristan -> Seth, I am and have been a staunch supporter of Essek working with the Cobalt Soul for A While and I am so very excited to see others warm up to the concept so readily :D
9 notes · View notes
phagodyke · 1 year ago
Text
Tumblr media
so with the new context from the unwanted guest what r we thinking abt alecto as johns leftover undigested 'fridge meat'
26 notes · View notes
grouptale-bits · 10 months ago
Text
Tumblr media
No ask or content will be posted until after the strike. Please direct attention to it and thank you for understanding.
17 notes · View notes
mistwalkers-menagerie · 2 months ago
Text
TRoP Season Finale spoilers under the cut
Fuck this show.
If this was fanfic I'd gobble it the fuck up but these people are writing official Tolkien stuff. Half-assed bluster poetics ain't really gonna cut it for me even though I'm not a Tolkien purist.
Rest in peace Adar, you would've loved the Tragedy of Julius Caesar (not)
Tumblr media
#never for a moment have i been a hater but#they try even if clumsily build up sympathy for the orcs through Glúg and through their loyalty to Adar#only for them to turn coat OFF SCREEN?#like yeah orcs will orc I'm not mad about them betraying him but HOW they betrayed him#like you give us a really cool concept of Nenya healing Adar's very soul the moment before you kill him off?#why tf was Adar in the forest anyway why not enter Eregion to execute Sauron on the spot?#he HAD to lose at one point I ain't delulu but this death wasn't poetic to me it was just a waste#like I see the semblance of logic in everything the writers do but it all falls so flat#like Adar had this big powerful moment at the end of ep 7 only for him to be Julius Caesar-d by GLÚG of all people?#there were signs but honestly#Glúg choosing fucking Sauron because he was mad at Adar trying to protect HIM and all the Uruks like#what was the point of Glúg then it's like they couldn't make up their fucking minds about whether orcs can be capable of redemption or not#and don't get me started on the Balrog getting like 30 seconds after they've been teasing it all season and even the season 1#or that Isidul the most crucial CANON character to the story didn't do shit all season aside from homewrecking lol#also Arondir is fine??? Apparently??? Like completely fine???#and the whole Rhún sequence was just filler in the end too#bruh#i've never been a hater before to anything and yeah there IS bias on my part regarding Adar but#irrelevant things are given depth and actually interesting narratives are left shallow and just crumble under all the flawed logic#mist mumbles#mist rants and raves
4 notes · View notes
onewomancitadel · 6 months ago
Text
It's so funny that I used to try to write posts which didn't let on my shipping biases to prove that I could be taken seriously. Okay well romance is serious business. How about that
3 notes · View notes
aspoonofsugar · 17 days ago
Note
Any thoughts on what Oscar’s semblance will end up being? Since Oscar’s magic has come from Ozma and is more in line with “destruction” as a contrast to Ruby’s eyes which are tied to “creation”, I’ve often thought that it would make sense for Oscar’s semblance, as a means of self-affirmation to be something that also represents creation/preservation, which would make him more like Ruby and also find his own sense of who he is as a person. After all, if Oscar/Ozma are supposed to achieve a balance by the end then he should possess elements of both, no?
That said, the most common headcanon/theory I see for Oscar’s semblance has been for him to create barriers for defense… but not only can he already do that with Ozpin’s magic, I feel as though Jaune is actually the character who is more set up to have a defensive evolution for his semblance. There was the flash of light in V1 and his “it’s like a forcefield!” line, Vine’s comment about extending his aura, the shield grenades he used in V8, and just his general tendency to leap in front of people using his shield or body to protect people.
So, to me, this would be a bit of an odd choice for Oscar’s semblance and just make the existing overlap between Jaune and Oscar’s progression as characters more confused. Do you think I have the right idea with the theming of Oscar’s semblance? Or do you think it’ll come from a different place altogether?
Hi!
It is very difficult to say, cause there could really be many things that fit Oscar.
I agree about both Ruby and Oscar ending up having elements of both creation and destruction, as they are two philosophical children.
When it comes to Oscar's semblance, I think it will be worth the wait, since:
It will appear toward the end and there won't be time to slowly develop it, like Blake, Weiss or Ruby's
Ruby kind of told us so tbh, as she said when Oscar gets a semblance "everyone will be jealous" ;)
I think most semblances tie with the characters' allusions too:
Ruby is super fast cause she is Little Red Riding Hood, so she rides
Weiss's glyphs allude to the Snow Queen fairy tail, but progressively become more Snowhite-like (her summons are characters in Snow-White)
Blake's shadow is symbolic of the beast, as in jungian terms the shadow is also called inner beast
Yang's power has her become too hot, with her hair catching fire, like Goldilock
Jaune gives his aura (his spirit) to others to heal them (he makes miracles), which ties with his Jeanne d'Arc allusion (I agree with the fact he will become a barrier warrior to an extent btw)
And so on...
So, tbh the majority of ideas for Oscar's semblance seem to tie into this theme:
Some theory think his power will tie with time, as time is a recurring motif for him and Ozpin
Other theories (I think this one is @misstrashchan ) instead think he will get the ability to make an astral projection of himself, in a tie in to the Little Prince (the little prince dies, so he leaves his body behind). This could also be used to separate his own soul from Ozpin's
These are my two preferred theories, but again it is impossible to say for sure. I don't think there is much foreshadowing as to what Oscar's semblance will be, differently from Jaune's.
Thank you for the ask!
25 notes · View notes
araneitela · 1 year ago
Text
Me: Talks about the significance and intimacy (not automatically romantic, folks, but also there's an inherent romanticism) of hands, and touch and who you let into that space of comfort. Pinterest: Did you say hands? Here, we've adjusted your home feed you so that you. cannot. possibly. escape. them. you're. welcome. Me: I just wanted— what did I want, again?
... Did I end up rambling about anything but hands in my tags? Yes. Welcome to me, this is what you sign up for. Not my portrayal, not my writing, my tag rambles.
#[ ooc. ] don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.#[ i literally don't remember what i went on here for. ]#[ i thought it was an icon but it was not. ]#[ instead i'm now thinking of the importance of her gloves. ]#[ and how they're a barrier between her and humanity. or everything inherently human; more so. ]#[ they're an aesthetic. yes. of course-- but it's more than that. in characters made by hoyo? everything always has 5 more layers. ]#[ at the very least. ]#[ ugh. i wish i could organize my thoughts and talk about the 'versions' of rather-- layers of kafka herself. ]#[ without it being 24 paragraphs long. ]#[ it's just gotten so complicated because you see her presenting herself in such way for so long. ]#[ voice. attitude. indifference. playfulness. and all of those remain except they falter more when she's around two individuals. ]#[ i can't even include sw and elio in this yet. because while kafka seemed to lean a little towards her more normal voice... ]#[ in the pier point dialogue with sw; it was only sometimes. it was so inconsistent. ]#[ same with sam. granted there's only one exchange between them so far. ]#[ but i digress-- then i get her story quest and in it she softens not even a little. but decently enough. ]#[ is /that/ the pretense? no you don't fake that. you don't fake how she says '...you're not leaving?' that delivery is vocal perfection. ]#[ but /that/ plays so well into all these other very human elements that she has. ]#[ i swear-- part of me truly believes she's already /on/ the path of 'learning' to feel a semblance of what fear is. or better yet... ]#[ what it /stems/ from. ]#[ because we say 'she has no concept of fear' but what does that MEAN. does that mean across the board? ]#[ concern stems from fear. you need /care/ and investment to feel fear. she /shows/ concern actively. she risks a lot to-- ]#[ be concerned about blade. and yes; she lacks the fear of them getting caught. but she's concerned for him. ]#[ and she's also practical and analytical; she knows if they get caught-- blade worsens. ]#[ and while it also endangers the 'future' a bit; she harps on blade. she also confides in the MC about her concern. ]#[ i just. ]#[ this is so much more complicated than i thought it'd be. ]#[ and also this whole concept of what humans fall into when they lack fear. how they become metaphorical 'demons'... ]#[ that pursue pleasure and thrill. but she became a /hunter/ of them. and yet she shows a lesser shade of it herself. ]#[ i just. think she's so inherently and stupidly interesting. HI GUYS. HANDS. i totally went on a tangent. ]#[ ... not about hands. ]
8 notes · View notes
nixotinix · 2 years ago
Text
"G3 Jackson" this, "G3 Jackson" that. Well here's my G3 Jackson, only I'm correct (/j)
Tumblr media
My prediction/i need this to be canon version of the live action sequel will be under the cut, but SPOILERS if you haven't seen the live action MH movie.
@hydinghoney on here brought up that in the final scene of the live action movie, with that witch lady or whatever, there was a turntable. Turntable means Holt, Holt means Jackson. So, in my G3 interpretation (which is going to be canon and if it isn't I am going to implode), Jackson/Holt are apprenticed to the witch from the final scene. They're pretty good at witchcraft all things considered. So Jackson is sent to MH by said witch and he introduces himself as "witch's apprentice and human ambassador to monster society". He explains that he was sent after hearing about the whole "Komos" thing to make sure everything else was in order, and that he'll be staying for two weeks. So he's lurking around in the background, but what's this? In the moments he's gone, a new student is hitting the scene and making waves: Holt, a fire elemental. (Design pending.) He's not heath's cousin anymore, but he's still half fire elemental because that's cool. So Jackson's poking around the school when he stumbles upon an old spellbook. After reading through it, he finds what he was really looking for. Surprise! Not only was he sent by the witch to take down Draculaura, he was sent by his family to un-stone Komos because oh my gods he needs his mad scientist villain arc. So in some culmination of events, Jackson and Drac end up in a magic duel in the graveyard, and for all intents and purposes, Jackson is kicking ass. Once Draculaura is either thoroughly defeated or she concedes, Jackson casts one more spell, not to finish off Drac, but the spell he found in the spellbook, once that could reverse the effects of a gorgon's gaze. Komos is back and unstoned. Of course our protag team give the usual "how could you" and "I thought we were friends" speech. Neither Komos nor Jackson seem to care, and Jackson starts monologuing their evil plan when Komos cuts him off. Surprise! His family double crossed him, and of course Komos still has his plan of destroying monsters and blah blah blah. And then double surprise! That "how could you" speech kinda resonated and Jackson is like "oh shit, I guess these people are my only friends and they've never tricked me into helping them wipe out an entire society". So he signals to the protag team to get out of the graveyard, after which he pulls out the hug card, grabbing onto Komos as tight as he can. And then casts a spell that sets off an explosion. So now Komos is dead, dead, and 100% dead. The don't have to kill him onscreen but at least elude to it y'know. The protag team ends up going back into the graveyard because, as much as Jackson was working against them, he still saved their lives and at the end of the day he's still a kid. So they go in and get his ass to the infirmary. When he comes to, he's understandably confused as to why the people he'd just nearly tried to kill would help him. They go off on their "you're our friend" and "Komos manipulated us too" speech yada yada. Then they give him a choice: he can either leave monster high and nobody will say a word about his betrayal, or he can stay at monster high to study witchcraft and stay with his newfound friends, but no blowing up any more parts of the school. Thinking about the difference between here or there as well as where Holt would want to stay, he agrees to stay at Monster High. Roll credits.
41 notes · View notes
valdotjpg · 1 year ago
Text
i wonder if i'll ever permanently realise that this is all real and not some bad dream i can wake up from someday
11 notes · View notes
death-rebirth-senshi · 1 year ago
Text
I'm really glad Elden Ring is about demigods and family drama, I always felt like the missing pantheon of dark souls apparently just kind of fading away into obscurity was kind of a missed opportunity.
I mean it fit for what dark souls was going for but still.
It's interesting to see some of Velka in Ranni and Morgott is very similar to Gwyndolin. I like the simultaneous larger than life-ness that comes with titles like God and Demi-God while also having it very human in how they scheme and war against each other.
8 notes · View notes
release-the-mccracken · 2 years ago
Text
I cannot get over everyone's faces when Bert says they're really excited about touring some more
Tumblr media
15 notes · View notes
townofcrosshollow · 2 years ago
Text
Idk man if you're constantly talking about your crushing loneliness and feelings of being ostracised and left out when you ostensibly have a bunch of friends around you then maybe the feelings of loneliness aren't the problem there
#i would always feel really empty and distant and 'act out' after our hangouts#and i always framed it as like 'i get the high when i'm around people and then i crash afterwards'#and didn't really consider that maybe sitting in a vc for 4 hours feeling left out while other people have fun is just soul sucking#it was always framed as my behaviour that was the problem. 'you did this and you did that.' so i just kinda internalized that#if i felt like shit it must be my fault. everybody knows i'm the one who causes problems so i'm just causing more problems#if i say that something made me uncomfortable and the response is 'i wont make accomodations and how dare you even ask' it must be my fault#idk. we filled out consent forms in the game i'm really not excited to play and i was reminded that nobody ever asked my consebt#and when i tried to advocate for myself and voice that i wasn't consenting it was treated like i was causing problems by trying to say that#and i saw that as a reasonable reaction at the time cause i had been so deeply convinced that i was broken and horrible#that if i was trying to revoke my consent or even just negotiate it then i was ruining everything for everybody else#that if i was uncomfortable with what was going on i needed to just shut up and live with it#i wish i had realized that and dropped out months ago. maybe that could have preserved some semblance of my relationships with those people#far too late for that now. i'm trying to accept that#and all that effort was wasted anyway#i tried to say once that i was putting in a massive amount of effort and i felt like nobody was recognizing that fact#and i still kind of feel that way#i put hours of mental energy into trying to be enough for people who kept demanding more from me and kept giving me less in return#did that do me any good or did it just cause me 3 months of grief and an empty bank account from therapy?#the problem is that i still wish things had turned out better even though i know i had no control over that#if i had kept advocating for myself it just would have been over far faster. i guess that might have spared me a bit of money#if i tried to talk about the problems it would have just been dismissed with some quick quippy therapy phrase amounting to 'not my fault'#we're already living in the universe where i put all my effort into changing in the ways i was told to change and look how well that went#idk. the attitude was never 'let's fix the problems.' it was always 'you need to fix it.' and then when i did it was#'now there's a new problem. fix that one too. and this one. and that one.'#and to do all that work for somebody and then be told they thought you never even cared about them. man it just stings#idk. it's in the past now. but i can't build new relationships. i'm trying and it's impossible#i try meeting new people and they all suck. i try strengthening relationships with old people and they all get too busy or leave.#the only reason i post these things on tumblr is cause i don't have anybody else to talk to about it#the only person i could talk to has their own shit going on. there really just isn't anybody else#personal
16 notes · View notes