#but i feel as though im stuck. staying behind. willingly? unwillingly? its hard to tell
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i wonder if i'll ever permanently realise that this is all real and not some bad dream i can wake up from someday
#we uh . do a little coping? for 10 months now???#i do have moments of 'oh this is happening for real isnt it' but for the most part im just like#in this Waiting Mode. waiting for things to go back to the way they used to be#waiting for my mom to magically get better (she wont)#and like. idk. i guess its sorta helping me not feel soul-crushing sadness 24/7#but it is also fucking w/ my perception of time and my surroundings so much#cuz everything feels as though its on pause. but it very much isnt. time keeps going and going#and everyones lives continue#but i feel as though im stuck. staying behind. willingly? unwillingly? its hard to tell#its scary. its also one of the only things that brings me a semblance of comfort. and that is also part of what makes it scary#i dont think this is gonna be good for me in the long run
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