#self hate /

[support]

Everything okay?

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National Eating Disorders Association

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For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[wishing-for-deathx]

You know what’s selfish? Breaking someone to the point where they don’t live. Breaking them so bad that they cant be fixed anymore. When they think of life, it’s synonymous to agony. They just survive each day. It’s not selfish to want to end it. It’s liberation from suffering. It’s selfish to do this to someone repeatedly and ask them to stay.

Why should I stay when no ever did.

[jasmines-library]

Lazarus Rising

WHUMPTOBER DAY 27: Prompt ‘scars’

Fandom: Batfam

Summary: after an accident takes your life, your brothers manage to find a way to bring you back. But it leaves you with a set of prominent scars that you struggle to come to terms with. But your brothers are there to help you realise that you are beautiful just the way you are.

Warnings: Death, description of wounds and scars, self hate.

Word count: 1.6k

MASTERLIST ⛤ WHUMPTOBER WORKS

🕸 ⋆ ⁶𖤐⁶ ࣪⋆🕸

It was a nasty accident.

An accident that had cost you your life. Your brothers had raced towards you, trying to haul the debris from the exploded building off of your body, but they were too late. You were dead. Still chest, blank stare, stone cold dead.

For a while, no one dared to move as Bruce cradled your bloody body. Not one of the boys attempted to hide the tears that rolled down their cheeks as you lay there devoid life in a pool of your own blood. The shrapnel had embedded itself if your back, and had sliced into other parts of your skin. You could see from the gash on your hand and on your cheek where you had tried to protect your face in vain.

The sight made Damian queasy and so he was the first to turn away, trying to burry the thought that he would never see the way you smiled with your eyes or simply hear your voice again.

Jason was the last to move. Long After Bruce had hauled your body away and his older brother had tried to pull him away gently by wrapping a strong arm around him. But all he could do was stare blankly at the crimson that stained the ground. It should have been him. He was the one who was supposed to be on patrol that night. But he bunked off and you took his place instead. His stomach knotted, tightening around him like a noose. He promised himself that he was going to find a way to bring you back.

And he did.

He didn’t want to tell his brothers what he was trying to do at first. But they caught on quickly after Jason was unable to hide the dark bags under his eyes any longer and they threatened to tell Bruce if he didn’t let up.

They were hesitant at first, but soon the four of them spent their free time delving into books and research. For a short while, their efforts seemed in vain and there were more frustrated sighs drifting across the room than words. But in one glorious moment, the words finally floated into Jason’s ears.

“The Lazarus pit.” He read from the screen what illuminated his small face in the dark. He had managed to find it after getting in contact with his mother and wracking his brain for something she had accidentally mentioned in passing. Talia was reluctant at first, but with Damian’s charm she was quick to give in. “My mother knows where it is. We can bring y/n back but…”

Tim, who had crowded round his little brother squinted. “But what?”

“She’s not going to be the same. The pit it-

It messes with your mind. And it might not work at all… there’s a time frame.”

Jason shook his head and pulled on his coat. “It’s better than nothing.”

~

The four of them carried your body gently towards the swirling green liquid. The pit was hidden in some sort of cave that had been dug out into some sort of lab.

“So this is it, huh?” Dick asked as they lay you down gently next to the pit. He could hardly bring himself to look at you. Your beauty was still obscured by the nasty gash that still hadn’t closed. He was so gentle as he manoeuvred your fragile body, as though just his fingers grazing along your cold skin would hurt you.

“Yeah.” Tim sighed.

“Keep your guard up. We don’t know how she’s going to react when she wakes up. She might be scared and confused.” Headed Damian who had practically recited his mother's words after committing them to memory.

There was little else said as they eased your body into the green liquid, watching as you floated just below the surface. It didn’t take long for the chemicals to take effect, stitching your skin back together and bringing more structure back to your bones and more life back to your skin.

Suddenly, you sat up with a gasp, flailing and splashing the substance of the edge of the pool as you dragged yourself out of it. Your clothes clung sticky to your skin. Your eyes were wide and didn’t settle on anything long before they were darting to the next thing and the next after that.

When Tim reached out to you your instincts kicked in, and you gripped his hand to flung him over your shoulder which caused him to let out a grunt as he collided with the stone.

Your mind was racing at a million miles an hour. You were scared. You didn’t know where you were or why every inch of your body was drenched in a dull but persistent ache.

“Y/n?”

You froze calming down for just one brief moment. You knew that voice and its gentle lilt. It was a voice you could picture a face with. Dark haired with stern eyes, but behind the facade was really a gentle boy with a soft spot for his little sister. You turned, tilting your head at the boy.

“Jason?”

~

You couldn’t bear to glance in the mirror anymore because they were all your gaze could settle on. Pale and spidering the scars crawled up your back and along your neck to your cheek. The pit had worked to some extent and although your mind was seemingly recovering and readjusting, the pit had failed to completely heal your skin, leaving a scar in its wake. Damian said it was something to do with the time scale. Something to do with the fact that the Lazarus put worked better on the dead the shorter they had passed.

You still couldn’t quite come to terms with that word. Dead. It sat in your mind like a weed. No matter how many times you plucked it, it always wormed its way back through the cracks.

For the first few weeks of being back at the manor, you spent a lot of your time trying to cover up the angry lines. The ones on your back were easy enough. You had just resorted to wearing a hoodie. Usually one of the boys’. They gave you a sense of comfort. But after a while, you began to miss wearing your own clothes. You missed being able to express yourself without it feeling wrong. So, there you were, standing in front of your full length mirror in your favorite top, staring at the scar.

There was a soft knock on the door before it peeled open, whining on its hinges and Jason saw you standing there. He couldn’t help the small grin that ebbed onto his lips.

You immediately tried to cover yourself. “Get out.”

“I-“ Jason didn’t want to move. He often feared that it he took his eyes off of you for too long then you would vanish again. Which meant that he was checking in on you much to your dismay. He was so proud of how far you had come in just a few short weeks. “You look beautiful, y/n.”

You recoiled. What? “Jason. Don’t look at them.”

You were about to pull on a hoodie when Damian’s voice peeped round the corner. He had grown impatient and set off with Tim to drag you to movie night. Dick went with them too, unable to shake his worry. Since you came back the four of them were constantly on edge, even if they didn’t care to admit it. “Is she coming or- whoa.”

Tim nearly squealed at the sight of you. “I thought I’d never see that top again.”

Your skin flushed as you sank down onto you bed.

“All of you. Out.”

“Why?” Damian implored.

“Because…I don’t like people looking at them. They’re disgusting.”

“Why the hell would you think that?” Jason was practically outraged at your words.

You couldn’t help it when your eyes brimmed with tears and your voice wavered. “Look at them, Jay!”

“I don’t see anything wrong with them.” Dick shrugged coming to sit next to you. “Do you?”

The rest of your brothers shook their heads.

You gave him a look.

Dick rolled up his top to reveal a long scar along his solar plexus. “Do you see anything wrong with this one?” He asked. Jason then pulled up the hem of his red top and shifted round on the mattress to show you the ones that littered his back. They were pinkish and resembled various different shapes. Or those?”

You shook your head. “No…it’s just. They’re everywhere.”

“So? They’re beautiful y/n. You’re beautiful. Does having a scar make Jason any less of a person that he was before?” Tim asked. You shook your head meekly. “Your scars don’t define you. No matter how much you think they do. You’re still the same gentle girl you were before.”

“Besides,” Damian chimed, “I think they’re really cool. Like lightning.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle at that thought. Your brothers always had a way of bringing light to a dark situation. It was just something that they did; they helped without thinking no matter the cost. You were glad to have them by your side, even if they did get a little annoying at times.

Although it took a little while, and a bucket-load of tears, your slowly began to embrace the scars. You began to express yourself in new ways that you hadn’t done before. In ways that brought a beaming grin to your face. And to your brothers. They were unbelievably proud and their hearts swelled. But it was one thing that you had learnt that really stuck out to you. That they loved you, just the way you were.

🕸 ⋆ ⁶𖤐⁶ ࣪⋆🕸

<- DAY 26 ⛤ DAY 28 ->

Taglist:

@deans-spinster-witch

@senjoritanana

@amaryllis23

[hatred-rage-and-repression]

Deep down I wanna be worse because I deserve it... I don't wanna be happy, safe, or loved. They are such alienated feelings to me... I deserve to live a life full of misery, because I am evil.

[dddemigirl]

[battling-my-demons]

I feel like I was set up from the moment I was born. I was made to fail. I have nothing. Nothing good about me. No brains and not good looking and incredibly bad luck. I hate myself. Everything about me is worthless. I am worthless.

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

me: what if. what if i held hims hand,,

inner me: He wouldn't want to hold your hand. He'd hate you. You would get on his nerves so fucking much. You're annoying as fuck, he would hate being near you anymore than is absolutely necessary. If he knew you were drawing, or even THINKING about him holding your hand, he would be disgusted with you. You're the worst. Shut the fuck up.

me: ah. right

[webweabings]

MY GREATEST ENEMY IS NO ONE BUT MYSELF

“Adoration of the Mystic Lamb”, by Hubert van Eyck and Jan van Eyck (1432); // “Juda’s Kiss”, by Gustave Doré; // “Briseis Restored to Achilles in his Tent Discovers the Body of Patroculus”, Léon Cogniet (1815); // “Ophelia”, by John Everett Millais (1851)

[you--broke--all--your--promises]

I am such a burden to everyone around me.

[depresso-espresso-5150]

I keep all of the pain inside because I'd rather let it destroy me than everyone else.

idk not me

[hatred-rage-and-repression]

I do not know how to live. I am a stranger on my own planet.

[notesbynor]

Sometimes you don't realize that your brain is in a cycle of hating itself, and hating itself for the fact that it hates itself. It's something i've always questioned and seeked answers for. There HAS to be a way to fix this, there has to be a reason why it's there in the first place. I saw my self hatred as a sign that my brain was "broken", and hated myself even more for it. It was an endless cycle of hating myself and hating myself for hating myself.

And then the mentopolis finale came out:

Maybe we can learn to break that cycle. Maybe i do hate myself and accept it for what it is (so long as you don't hurt yourself in the process.) As long as it drives you to be a better, kinder person, what's so bad about guilt that it NEEDS to be erased?

"Time to unlearn that lesson."

[bigassmoonchild]

All Ears

Pairing: König x Reader

Word Count: 1.1k

Summary: You are one of the best soldiers around, but it seems you aren't seen even off the battlefield. König makes sure you know that you're seen.

Content Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Being Left Out, Hateful Thoughts, Self Hate (it's okay, könig comforts you)

A/N: My 'd' button isn't working that well. Have had to go back and make sure it was pressed. Little drabble for y'all, just to give you something to eat up. I will continue Maple Syrup on Friday/Saturday, and the taglist is always being updated! I should really just make a masterlist atp, I’ve got enough posts. As always, content under the cut and my asks are open <3 I PASTED THE ENTIRE FIC INTO THE TAGS GOD HELP ME

"It's really funny, though," you started and listened to everyone talk over you. Gaz making little quips as Soap gave a story, Price and Ghost having listened intently. Even König and Horangi weren't listening to you, from what you could tell.

You glanced down briefly, waiting for a pause before you tried to jump in again. And again, you were interrupted, though by Price this time. Taking a little sip of the drink you had in front of you, which was extremely watered down by now, you glanced at the people around you.

It was odd. You worked your ass off to get to this point, working with some of the best of the best but still seeming to be too small to really exist with them. When everyone paused, taking drinks, you opened your mouth to speak when Soap tugged Gaz off to play darts, calling for you all to watch him.

A little, almost grimace of a smile came on your face as you played with the coaster intended for your drink. You could feel you heart sinking, swallowing thickly around the tears beginning to form.

You were one of the best soldiers in the world, and yet you had never felt so small. Whether it was intentional or not, you had no idea. You watched everyone talk and exist with one another while you sat on the side, like a bystander. Someone who wasn't supposed to be there, but you found yourself stuck.

"I am all ears, Maus," König spoke to you, leaning in close and looking at you through the mask. You gave him a grim smile, shaking your head and shrugging slightly.

"'s nothing, don't even remember what I was going to say," you told him. He blinked slowly at you, glancing own at your drink that your hands were connected to. He looked at the others, breathing deeply from the deep rise and fall of his shoulders.

Glancing back at you, he held his arm out. "I can buy you a better drink," he said, gesturing further towards you with the arm. "Come," he said.

You grabbed the arm he offered and let him help you from the chair, watching as he cut through the crowd with his height and mass. König's bicep flexed around your arm, seemingly holding you tighter as the crowd flexed and pulsed around your hold.

As you came upon the bar, König leaned against it, calling over the bartender. You stood beside him, waiting until the man could come and take your order. Until them, he had his eyes set on you, not allowing his focus to waver.

"Tell me," he started. "What was it you were going to say before you were interrupted?" You looked away, swallowing thickly. In your mind, it had completely fallen to the side. Becoming nothing, almost as you did when everyone was together.

Glancing back at him, he kept his eyes on you. "Gaz was talking about songs he thought would suit him, y'know?" He nodded, waiting patiently for you to continue. "Was gonna suggest that maybe he should choose 'It's Raining Men', considering his little incident with a helicopter," he snorted above you, shaking his head.

"Maus has jokes, hasn't she?" You shook your head, looking away for a few minutes, watching as the 141 continued to be themselves. Without you. Had they really needed you? "Get those thoughts out of your head," he snapped at you and you glance up at him. König was watching the group as well.

"What?"

"I know what you are thinking," he told you. "I know that look. Do not beat yourself with stones not thrown," you couldn't look at him. The fact that he knew, he had known, what you were thinking.

How you felt so alone, ever since you transferred. You weren't close to any of these soldiers, you didn't know them. They didn't know you, and so you were left off to the side, like a toy they didn't want to play with but didn't want anyone else to have.

As useless as a centimeter of thread, disappearing without a trace when not watched. Disappearing because you weren't necessary to the entire picture, because you didn't have a true purpose that wasn't already fulfilled by someone bigger, better than you.

Useless.

"You are not so alone," he said. "Not so different from any soldier, but that doesn't make you useless. It doesn't make you any less important than those men already there," you glanced up at him, watching his eyes dance across the crowd.

König glanced down at you, eyes crinkling slightly with what you could only assume was a smile. A throat cleared behind you and you glanced back, turning fully to see the bartender in front of you. König gave his order and glanced down at you.

"I've had enough to drink, I should probably pull back," you whispered. "Just a water, for me," you told the man. You watched as the drinks were set out, pulling the water close to you and gulping down mouthfuls of it.

Like you hadn't drank in years, even though it had only been minutes. Your mouth felt dry, mind whirling thousands of miles a minute. You could hear little whispers of the people around you, feeling everything pushing in on you all at once. The heat of all of the bodies surrounded you, pushing in on you and you were stuck in your head.

"Schatz?" It pulled you out, a hand touching your bicep and pulling you from everything. You could see a woman trying to sweeten him up, pressing up against his side. "Talk to me, Maus," he whispered. "'m all ears," he told you.

You glanced at the woman and he did too, her toothy smile dropping as soon as he turned away, a little scoff coming from her. Some words that disappeared into the background came from her lips, and you couldn't read her lips to catch it.

"You are important, Maus," he said. A statement, no questions regarding it. "We all care about you, but you need to find yourself. Find who you are outside of a soldier, create your person. They know you as a soldier, not as a person," König cleared his throat. "Give them some time, I am sure Soap and Gaz will pull you in with them," and you looked up at him.

His eyes had followed the woman through the crowd, watching as she struggled her way back to her friends. As much as you didn't realize it, he was watching everything around you. He probably knew just about as much of yourself as you did, just from watching you.

"I have ears for you," König said, eyes glancing down. "Only ears for you,"

[fuckin-depression]

I hate

Mirrors

So fuckin much