#self harm urges

[hamptersadness]

Tw self harm compulsions, self harm, blood, dissociation/blacking out , ocd

Never had it before but I accidently flicked myself with a rubber band and I dissociated/blacked out and found myself with a broken fidget toy and aching arms

And I feel so incomplete

It isn't right. The places aren't right. And if I wanted them to be right then I would have to add more.

Oh my fuck as I'm writing this I just found more on my thigh

ITS IMCOMPLETE IT NEEDS TO BE COMPLETED.

HOW DO I STOP THIS ITS IMCOMPLETE IT NEEDS TO BE COMPLETED.

I literally shaking because I don't know if I can stop myself.

It's incomplete it's incomplete it's incomplete

Please tell me I'm not the only one. Please tell I'm not crazy becasue it's sounding like it and it hurts a lot.

Oh my God I'm such a freak or a pain whore because there is no way anyone would feel this compulsed to sh again

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

[simulateds3lfh4rm]

Tonight's mood:

Popular Monster by Falling in Reverse on loop while I'm tracing over my old scars with a permanent marker, pretending it calms the urges..

[benevolenterrancy]

May your hardened heart be woken By the soft and distant song Of all you left here unspoken All the shards we keep stepping on - Take this body home Take this body home Call the wind, and let her know Take this life outgrown Take this broken soul Call the stars, call them all And take it high, take it far, take it home

[valtsv]

wish there were more self harm discussion/harm reduction spaces where it's actually destigmatised and not just a self-professed "safe space" that will chase you out if you don't express yourself according to a useless formulaic script or stereotype

[myflowerdeer666]

[angxlicbliss]

there’s no point in healing bc if I get hurt again ima have to do ts all over again

[dyingdogbones]

Ppl who use b0xcvtt3rs how efficient are they?

[autumnlassitude]

Crying out to Bhaal at the very last and finally, finally, getting an answer.

[caliboron]

please give all my pain and suffering to elon musk

[hamptersadness]

tw sh

I saw a fresh barcode on someone today at school.

Don't even know them.

It hurts so much to see that.

My skin is burning so much, it wants it needs. But I can't. Im going to see my bsf soon and I can't mess up my clock. I can't do it.

But.... so images are flashing thorugh my mind.

I have sleeping pills next to my bed. Two years ago they would be locked up in my moms room. Now there on my end table, becuase I am trusted to deal with them.

I am so scared. So so scared. What if one day I snap and take them all?

I don't want to.

I need to see my bsf.

If seeing a fresh barcode on someone triggers me so much I can't imagine what my scars do to people.

I hate them so much. It reminds me of so many things. I hate it.

Everything is reminding about sh lately.

I don't.... I don't have my clock anymore. Its gone. Like I don't even know the day I last did it.

My brain is telling me to just do it to restart the clock.

Tell me not to. please.

[thescenarios]

Istg I wanna sh so bad rn but I'm trying to be clean for at least a week AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[soup-is-here]

Mouthwashing Spoilers

TW: Addiction and Self Harm

I wanna go on about Swansea's final monologue but it's hard to put into words, but I'm gonna try anyways cause it's a short, but strong story about autonomy again. This post ended up significantly longer than I wanted though

It's the autonomy to choose the "less healthy" option because it's appealing to you. It's the moral assignment to normality and stability. An alcoholic is an alcoholic by choice, technically, but do they owe us otherwise? Is it morally reprehensible to enjoy taking LSD at a party? Should we see someone as less than because they relax with a xanax instead of a hot shower? It's not healthy. We know that. We've seen anti-drug ad after ad after ad. But is that the part that's morally wrong, in and of itself? Does enjoying the drugs and chaos make Swansea a worse person?

Like him talking about his entire life and ending it by saying between the "stable" "normal" life and him waking up every morning with a new hangover, he preferred the latter. People always talk about getting clean and fixing their lives and Swansea did it! He did the thing "good men" do! A wife and kids and a trade job and sobriety! He was doing it! He was finally "worth" something!

And he hated it! I mean I don't know if he actually hated/despised it, but he misses his previous life. He misses drugs and partying and living like you might not wake up the next day. He said the thing that changed him was seeing himself dead in a ditch under the bright beam of a streetlight. Now he's looking down the barrel of a gun. And as he looks down it, he looks back. That was his preference. It felt good to be like that. And he wouldn't be here if he stayed there

We always have a narrative about drugs or gambling or sleeping around where a person suddenly realizes that they aren't "doing anything" with their life and becomes stable and it's always played like addiction is a false pleasure. Swansea got to the stability people said would be the real pleasure of life and that just wasn't true for him. One bad paycheck could've been the difference between his stable life and falling apart anyways. His lifestyle was going to kill him someday apparently, yet he's staring down the barrel of a gun at his steady trade job to feed his wife and kids.

I don't know quite how to word it but Swansea is the poster child for rehabilitation. There's this weight to him saying his alcoholic period was the best time of his life. Like it just hits at that pang that makes people wear DARE shirts while smoking weed and post those videos of smoking 100 cigarettes at once. Anti-vaping ads tell you about the damage they do to your body but everyone knows that already. Everyone knows "this is what your brain looks like on drugs." I smoke medical marijuana and it isn't good for my lungs but it's good for my pain. Doing drugs isn't good for me and I know that and that's sorta the point sometimes.

I don't know it's just this weird pang where I know what Swansea means, just not to nearly the same extent. I don't have an addiction so I don't think I could fully understand it. Maybe a better thing I could relate it to for myself is self harm. It's not healthy sure, but who do I owe health? Myself? Other people? And what is healthy? Is it feeling better now? Is it resisting now and feeling worse for it until it stops? What if the coping skills I learn make it worse? What if they make it better? Do I want it to get better? Does Swansea want to get better? What would better feel like to either of us?

Who knows until you try. Swansea got a collared shirt, a mortgage, and a credit card. He got a job and a wife and kids. He got sober. He got healthier, depending on your definition.

But did he feel better? He's looking down a barrel of a gun and he has to decide if he feels better. It doesn't seem like he regrets his new life. He says he wants his kids to be better than him. He wants good things to happen for them. He saw himself as one bad slip away from falling again. I don't think he felt better though. I think he got healthier. He likely would've ended up in the ditch he dreamt about, but we don't know that. We also don't know if that's what he'd prefer. But, we do know he got healthier, depending on your definition.

[eclaire-went-bam]

tips on how to deal with cluster b rage is useful and all what like what do i do when i'm bored

like

genuine question

i'm not aspd (i say that cus i know chronic boredom's usually big for that one) but i do get painfully bored extremely often. i'll be under no emotional distress and then i'll decide to self-mutilate simply because i'm bored and it's funny & i don't think that's a good thing

[valtsv]

cw for discussions of suicide and suicidal ideation but i'm thinking about tsv saints again and wondering if they're even capable of self-destruction (self-iconoclasm?). like, every saint we've seen so far, no matter how much suffering they're being forced to endure and how much of their self-awareness they've retained, has only been able to die if they're dispatched by another character - with the exception of the woundtree saints, which are generated by suicide as an act of protest, but they're an intentional outlier. this isn't a "should saints be euthanised if their quality of life is determined to be below a level that is considered acceptable" debate because that's a whole different ethical can of worms. i just wonder because there's an argument to be made that in taking away their ability to intentionally end their own lives, the hallowing procedure attacks another facet of personal bodily autonomy by denying the right to harm or terminate that body. compounding the horror of it all further.

[wizardelf]

Nima is so silly. Their scars are mostly self experimenting for pain tolerance and how much they can endure before passing out. the neck and dissection scars are courtesy of Orin, as siblings do when they fight!

Nima is romancing Wyll this playthrough but did have sex with Astarion during the party bc i think his first sex scene is really funny and Astarion realizing they're not a sensual lover kind of turned him off the whole master seduction plan.

Nima uses they/them pls and thanks 😊