hamptersadness

[hamptersadness]

When you cleaned the whole bathroom yesterday so now you can't do shit today

[hamptersadness]

I don't know if anyone else experienced this growing up but telling people you aren't in the mood to talk, or that you are tired and you might be snappy always ended up with "why?"

I've heard for years now to not get into fights tell your partner that you aren't in the right headspace to talk about things, but everytume I did growing up there was always more questions and blame and lectures.

I hate it cuz it happened now. I wanted to tell mom that I didn't feel like making plans right now and I knew if I said so she'd be like "oh is it becuade you are going to see your friend?" " why not?" Blah blah blah

Anyway anyone else

[hamptersadness]

I'm back and everything sucks!

Someone murder my severe eczema!

Also I had someone tell me the other day that eczema isn't a chronic illness...

You trying having to design your whole life over your skin and whether you feel less itchy enough to do shit

[hamptersadness]

Why didn't no one tell me to move?

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

[hamptersadness]

REAL

I be like this is totally normal just wondering if i keep developing eczema would i end up with an autoimmune disease and have a stroke and then I told my doctor and she's like um.... what the fuck you need medication.

So now I was rewarded with citalopram.

Having OCD is crazy bc I will lie in bed all day ruminating and googling and confirming and debunking my fears for hours and then I’ll say it out loud to someone and be like lol oh I’m crazy

[hamptersadness]

"Oh my god your arms!!!!!"

Yes I know I'm having an eczema flare up-

"Eugh do you need some lotion?"

No sorry I can only have certain types of lotions-

"Maybe you should put some more lotion on"

Massive amounts of lotion can make it itch more-

"Don't itch! It looks like you could break skin!"

I have before that's one of the awful things about eczema-

"Oh my god you are bleeding! Lemme get a bandaid"

I can't have adhesive on my rash I can just have a tissue-

"Ew your arms look contagious!"

They aren't. It's just a rash-

"You should cover your arms"

Yeah no shit.

(Things people have said to me this week that make my blood boil)

[hamptersadness]

I said I was sorry Bou.

I thought it would be better if the host didn't do that becasuee I'm someone everyone sees the host more

And it's not true about meeples yes he's annoying but I don't "unload my problems" onto him.

I feel bad because he was the first one i actually noticed. Recognizing myself plural was super stressful

As of right now I don't know if I want the "final fusion" seeing you guys and hearing you guys makes me think that whatever happened was real and not fake

I'm sorry I did that

Ay just used MY FUCKING PROXY To say that I hate littles. And that I resent them.

Espically Meeples like yeah Meeples can be frustrating at times but he's still a kid.

Ay just views Meeples as like Ay but younger and using him to just unload all his fucking problems on.

He doesn't do it much in the headspace but they are often co-con. And he's always fucking bad mouthing Meeples. Cora doesn't even notices because she's never near front.

I'm tired of this shit Meeples is someone who we are trying to heal and he's just still breaking him down. I fucking hate it.

And as the protector I'm supposed to protect him but I don't know how to protect him against my own systems.

[hamptersadness]

I was meeting with this guy from a student support group in my college and on the intake survey it asked what could bar you from completing work or focusing and I mentioned I had OCD

And when he was showing me the "lab" which is like a study room he pointed out all the places where they keep hand sanitizer, which not all people with OCD are germ obsessed, but it just felt so heartwarming that he was trying to connect and offer support

[hamptersadness]

Tw: sh mention, ward mentioned, scar talk, trauma dumping, kids and suicide

So I'm in school to become a teacher and there's this guy who runs the edu club at my school. And I'm on the officer team with him.

And we were talking about high risk students and mental health. And he kept saying (read bragging) that he was a high risk student and he was going through depression and he had 4.0 GPA and a teacher saved him and shit and I'm sitting here like.

Wow. You are so lucky to have people that cared about you and helped you out of depression.

I didn't. I went to the ward came back and was still battling the wrong medication and bipolar ups and downs. I have scars on my arms and no teacher tried to talk to me about them when they were fresh.

I had to claw MYSELF out of that hole. I had very little support. Very little room to breathe.

Not only that ocd that was getting worse week after week.

I've had a 5 year old kid come up to me and told me her brother took a bunch of pills in the bathroom and had to go to the hospital

I WAS NOT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE MENTAL ILLNESS AT MY AGE. I WAS NOT EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH KIDS COMING UP TO ME AND TELLING ME THEY WANTED TO KILL THEMSELVES. IT SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN MY JOB AND YET IT WAS.

I swear to God if he comes at me again and is like " Well I have a super PERSONAL experience with being high risk"

I DONT CARE. GO AHEAD AND TELL ME YOU WERE SO DEPRESSED THAT U DIDNT WANT TO FINISH YOUR HOME WORK CUZ ILL COME BACK AT YOU WITH BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS.

SCARS THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY. MEDICATION I SHOULD NEVER STOP TAKING. AND MY BRAIN FUCKING SPLITTING INTO PARTS BECAYSE I COULDN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING AT ONCE.

Go ahead. Say it.

[hamptersadness]

Does anyone else like end up in a place that's familiar and you *know* what you're doing there and you* know *how you got there but you don't *remember *anything????

Is that just me or like a did/osdd thing?

Everyone else in my head has been running rampant, and I'm scared to look at my grades or my messages

[hamptersadness]

It's very interesting vecause all my life I've experienced hyperempathy. Like it was so easy to put myself in others shoes that it hurt.

But my brain then formed alters that would protect me from that???? So sometimes I experience very little empathy.

Another thing is that I've been taking T for a year now and it's affected how I feel empathy, which makes my alters feel less empathy also. It's very confusing to say the least.

And I think I know why I know niche facts about people like birthdays, fav color, things that people like, a random fact like they can type without looking at their phone.

And then I will suddenly have no memory of these things or can think about them and them suddenly I can. I think it's because different alters witnessed and stored different things.

But I will say I don't remeber much about high-school and as the host it's odd to me. (Plus I literally was in high-school last year) I don't remember a lot about our old house when we litterally moved two summers ago

Also I haven't fronted for a while and it's really weird. Everything is going to shit

[hamptersadness]

It seems to me we don't have a system blog yet so I'm going to make one.

Its very odd fronting I will say.

Cora

[hamptersadness]

Been looking back at some of Little Me's messages on discord and stuff and its so weird. Like he's constantly telling people to hide if they bring up parents or something. I guess today someone was talking about how their mom was mad and their little brother was crying and Little Me just started asking if they are hiding and giving them places to hide. Telling them to hide snacks in case they aren't allowed to come out of their room

Like I don't understand. He talks about being scared of mom all the time. Mom never hit me or my siblings. I never had to hide from her. She's only yelled a lot. But nothing physical or something I would have to hide from her

Im not sure if Little Me watched something or read something or heard something where it had that kind of dynamic and it stuck with him or something. I just think its really odd.

[hamptersadness]

So I'm not therian and I know a lot of people hate therians (I dont)

But I read this story where this mom was like "help my child is 9 and she thinks she's a therian should I get her into therapy??"

From my understanding (correct me if I'm wrong about everything in this post) therian is when you have a strong spiritual/emotional attachment to an animal and/or was an animal in your past life and you have a strong connection to it. And to honor and to feel closer, people often dress up with ears, masks, tails etc.

Which I don't understand why people don't like them? Cuz these same people are okay with people being connected to nature or part of a native American tribe (who are very connected to the land and nature) or being a witch or Wiccan

Now the girl is 9 in the story. If I eas a parent I would be happy that she has found her spiritual self. To me it's almost like religion, and her dressing up and things is her honoring this connection or faith. Yes she's nine but don't most Christians start their kids off with religion when they are babies? (No hate on Christians I'm just pointing out what I see)

To me religion is finding the faith that fits you the most. It's finding something that can bring you comfort that's not here on earth, something you have a strong emotional connection to. And not all parents and kids have the same religion.

So why the hate on therians if people are so proud of religion and "accepting" all different faiths.

Please tell me if I tagged this wrong or I should tag it differentl!

[hamptersadness]

I'm not sure why I didn't add this part. But I was at my psychiatrist yesterday and talked about my syntoms. She said it does sound like something I really should look into, and maybe it is a type of OSDD, and find a therapist that deals with this kind of stuff and next appointment (we were out of time) we will talk about it more.

She also mentioned journaling

So over the course of a few months lots of people have been mentioning that I might be plural or have did so I've been looking. Someone sent an ask about I should look into plurality.

And for a long time I've been pushing it out of my mind cuz it scared me but here is some syntoms I've noticed

Lots of dissociation/deperonalization/derealization

I act certain ways in different situations and it's not the same situations

I have no major amnesia just small blackouts (usually during stress or age regressing)

Lots of I can't remember if I did this thing or not or thought about it

I hear no voices in my head but I do have a lot of intensive thoughts that aren't the typical "k/ll urself" they are sometimes just like negative comments

I sometimes don't recognize myself in the mirror

I don't have out of body experiences

That's all I can think of and here is a few screenshots of tests I took

If anyone has any questions that can help or just any advice I would appreciate it I'm kinda scared

[hamptersadness]

Thank you to the people that commented!

I started journaling on lighthouse and kinda maybe figured out that there are 5 of us. It's kind of weird opening the lighthouse communal journal and seeing a post that *I* did not make.

I guess a couple of the alters have been fighting so I'm really not sure what to do about that. So yeah..... I guess we're plural. So I might redo the intro post but we'll see.

So over the course of a few months lots of people have been mentioning that I might be plural or have did so I've been looking. Someone sent an ask about I should look into plurality.

And for a long time I've been pushing it out of my mind cuz it scared me but here is some syntoms I've noticed

Lots of dissociation/deperonalization/derealization

I act certain ways in different situations and it's not the same situations

I have no major amnesia just small blackouts (usually during stress or age regressing)

Lots of I can't remember if I did this thing or not or thought about it

I hear no voices in my head but I do have a lot of intensive thoughts that aren't the typical "k/ll urself" they are sometimes just like negative comments

I sometimes don't recognize myself in the mirror

I don't have out of body experiences

That's all I can think of and here is a few screenshots of tests I took

If anyone has any questions that can help or just any advice I would appreciate it I'm kinda scared

[hamptersadness]

So over the course of a few months lots of people have been mentioning that I might be plural or have did so I've been looking. Someone sent an ask about I should look into plurality.

And for a long time I've been pushing it out of my mind cuz it scared me but here is some syntoms I've noticed

Lots of dissociation/deperonalization/derealization

I act certain ways in different situations and it's not the same situations

I have no major amnesia just small blackouts (usually during stress or age regressing)

Lots of I can't remember if I did this thing or not or thought about it

I hear no voices in my head but I do have a lot of intensive thoughts that aren't the typical "k/ll urself" they are sometimes just like negative comments

I sometimes don't recognize myself in the mirror

I don't have out of body experiences

That's all I can think of and here is a few screenshots of tests I took

If anyone has any questions that can help or just any advice I would appreciate it I'm kinda scared